Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1516: Celya AB

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

We're back in your ear and eye canals with special guest Celya AB. Blasting through Celya's career past, via anecdotes about Josh Jones & Maisie Adam, and a city off.Celya AB - https://www.celya-ab.com/To watch full episodes of Pappy’s Flatshare find us on YouTube: www.youtube.com/@pappysflatshareAnd follow us onInstagram: instagram.com/pappyscomedyTikTok: www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshareFacebook: www.facebook.com/PappysFlatshare/And X: twitter.com/pappystweetPAPPY'S FLATSHARE SLAMDOWN, is back at the Phoenix Pub for TWO Flatslams on May 27th and June 2nd!WITH SPECIAL GUESTS...TUESDAY MAY 27TH: NATALIE CASSIDY + LEAH DAVISMONDAY JUNE 2ND: ROISIN CONATY + MILES JUPPPappy’s Flatshare Slamdown is the hilarious and anarchic panel game hosted by award-winning sketch heroes Pappy’s and featuring great guests from the world of comedy.You can buy tickets for either show or use this special link to buy ONE DISCOUNTED TICKET THAT GETS YOU INTO BOTH SHOWS! Tickets are £11 (£19 for both) but our Patreon members get discounted tickets (£2 off). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to a very exciting guest episode of Papi's Flat Share. Absolutely. Papi's Flat Share of course where we sit down, chew the fat, knock it around a bit and today we had a brilliant guest. One of the funniest stand-ups currently gigging today in our Fair Isles. Celia AB was there with us and what a treat it was. Yes it really was a treat. It was a treat to knock it around with her. Is that what we're doing this this week? We're knocking it around man. We said Celia come over Clark East Flat and knock it around with us for a bit and knock she did. Not just on the door but it around. We had a great time chatting to Celia. She's brilliant. Yeah I think she's back at the Fringe this year.

She's really, really fantastic. If you get a chance to go and see her, please, please do. She's brilliant. And also you have a chance to come and see us. Oh, what? Two, yes, indeed. We've got two flat share slam downs coming up over the next few weeks. In about a week's time on the 27th of May,

we've got Natalie Cassidy, Sonia from EastEnders of all people, and Leah Davis from Capital Extra. So it's gonna be a real showbiz treat that one. May the 27th at the Phoenix Pub, and then June the 2nd, Rachisin Conaty and Miles Jupp. Get your tickets from pappyscomedy.com forward slash live. Oh, I don't know what to wear. I feel like when we get a bit showbiz-y,

I get quite excited there. That's the start. You're gonna dress up for this one? I don't know. It's quite a start. You're gonna wear a yellow shirt? It's quite a start. I'm like, do I long trousers it?

I don't know. It's an exciting line up that is. Come on down to the Phoenix. They're always such fun evenings and it'd be lovely to see you there. Otherwise, let's get into this episode and we going to be doing this forever? Happy's flat share. But we don't really live together. Happy's flat share. Yeah! You've gone very low now. You've gone, you've gone deep.

Have you never seen podcast clips before? You're thinking of therapy. That's therapy. If you're lying down and telling us everything you know. We've got some life advice there. This is every like male's podcast on TikTok. We're just hoping you like this. The thing is, yeah.

So the thing is, right, and here's the thing, they're like fine. I've got some advice. I've got some advice. I've got some advice. I've got some advice. I've got some advice. I've got some advice. I've got some advice. I've got some advice. I've got some advice. I've got some life advice. This is every like males podcast on TikTok. We're just, we're just hoping you like this. The thing is, yeah.

So the thing is, right, and here's the thing. I'm fine. I've got some advice for you. No, no, you don't speak. You don't speak. The thing about Mac. Here's the thing about Mac. I love the adolescents.

The main guy I relate to. Are we recording? We're recording. Yeah. Hello everybody. Hello. Hi Celia. Hiya. So Celia, you, you had a funny incident. Handshakes. Start with the handshakes of course. Now you had a funny incident happen to you on the way in that

you told the other two, but I was in the toilet. So tell me all about it. So, um, I might have to dox you. Yeah, fine. Go for it. So I got to the station and City Mapper said it was a 25 minute walk and I'm a princess. So I was like, I'm going to get an Uber. And I get in the Uber and the Uber drives, no lie, 26 seconds and goes, there you are. And I go, I think you'll find we're not here because that would be crazy to spend nine pounds for 26 seconds. And my rate is high. So then he goes, no, no, we're here. And I kept arguing with this driver being like, we're not here.

And then he goes, let me check the map. What's the address? And I give him the address. And he said, I think we're here. And then around the corner, I must stress, he laughed at my face, like, which is hard because he was faced with you know when you're on the taxi facing he turned around. He reclined his chair all the way back. He went ha ha ha ha ha and then he said I thought you were injured. No, so he thought you'd pick up a poor invalid basically. Yeah, but I was, I got in able bodied, came out able bodied, but nine pounds poorer.

Nine pounds? Nine pounds! No! Nine pounds. He could have waived the fee. No, he said... I don't think you can, can you? No.

Because if you, if you, if you waived the fee for short journeys, where's the cutoff? Well, I mean, obviously 26 seconds, but where's the cutoff for short journeys? They've got to make a living. Oh yeah. But come on, you're exploiting the weak, the mentally weak. What's the answer to it? Cause you, you, you looked at city map. Well, the thing is, I forgot to tell you this detail. So because he believed me at first, he drove like three minutes to park somewhere so we could figure out the situation and then had to drive back basically to the station and said, no, we're here. And then I was trying to, do you know when you're like, when someone laughs at you and you join in laughing like, haha, that's so funny, but really you're hurting. Oh yeah, I know.

So I was like, what a funny situation that happened to us both. That we both made that mistake. We idiots. And then he dropped me off and he said, Hey, are you okay? And I went, I think, I think, hey, are you okay? So yeah, nine pounds poorer. Oh, this podcast is paying the big bucks. We have to give you at least nine pounds now.

What would be really funny is if you could call him and get him to drop you off at the station. Absolutely. Well, I've tried, I was like, I was thinking like, can I get your card? Yeah, he's so good. And just troll him all day. Just keep on getting him to take you 30 seconds down the road. You get out, you walk a little bit, you get back in, you drive a little bit, you walk a little bit. I'm not asking I can walk alongside him. So what happened, where did the 25 minutes come from though? What happened?

So this is a bit of controversy that I can't wait to look up later. I said to him, City Mapper said he was 25 minutes and he said, with a, almost like a cowboy, he said, I don't trust City Mapper. Was he American prior to that? No. He spat his tobacco out. I think he's trying to get on SNL. He was doing it. Doing one of his characters. What do you think about this? I don't trust City Mapper. And then I went, Oh, why not? And he said, the maps are not

accurate. So after this, let me tell you, bit of Googling, City Mapper, Reddit, Google. Yeah. Yeah. Fish bash Bosch. But that happened to me before, like, Google. Yeah. Yeah. Bish bash bosh. But that happened to me before, like, um, that's happened to me so much actually. I, um, especially when you're in the countryside. Of course. Yeah. The lawless countryside. When they have no numbers on their houses, but names.

Like in Mac, I am sure I got a taxi to Aberystwyth by mistake. I am sure that's happening. Because you just gave the name. I just gave the name. I said it's Powis. And I don't know what Powis means. But isn't Paris your capital? Don't be like, fine, we'll take you home.

If you want to go all the way home, mate. Absolutely fine. It's quite a long way to go, but sure. We'll go on the channel. Channel. I think I'm too quick on the OOB. Can you drive? Can you drive? Can you cycle? No, I used to be able to. Can you walk?

That's what the taxi driver says. I'm not a peasant. No, I can't cycle. I used to be able to. And that's why you should never trust sayings. I've always said that because you can forget how to ride a bike. Do you honestly think if you got on a bike now, you wouldn't know which bits were the pedals? Surely you'd be able to, you know, come the wrong way.

Upside down. Off to Paris I go. The bike is riding me. It's a recumbent bike, but you're the one who's recumbent. Grinding along, like just scraping your back up. Just, oh, sure. It was easier than this before. I grew up in a rough area where people always do this with their bikes. What's it called? Wheelies. Wheelies. And it'd be really funny if that's the only way I knew how to ride the bike.

You basically turn it into a unicycle. Yeah. Yeah. You can only do that. What's the French word for wheelie? I actually don't know. I actually don't know. Sorry to be... You're not really French, are you? No. I actually don't know. I actually don't know. Sorry to be vulnerable. You're not really French are you? No. It's a character. No, bad.

I don't trust City Mapper. It's just a character. What was that character? I don't want to say. But SNL UK, very interesting. Very interesting. Very interesting. He's got this great cowboy. Do you know how cowboys are a thing in the UK?

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? Very interesting. Very interesting. Very interesting. He's got this great cowboy. You know how cowboys are a thing in the UK? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Can you wheelie? Can you wheelie what? Can you wheelie wheelie?

Me speaking to a baby. Can you wheelie? Can you wheelie walk? Can you? Do you wheelie trust it to your back? Can you ride a bike? Can you all ride bikes? Yeah. Wow, okay. Yeah, pretty cool. Can you all ride bikes?

Yeah. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Pretty cool. That's the only reason we got you on. We can all ride bikes. We can ride bikes.

Do you ride them together and stuff? Like those like... Do you know one time we actually, we were in San Francisco and we did a day of cycling around the three of us and we went to a bike shop specifically because they had a... A trandem. A trandem. That's the three people...

Three people. Yeah, like the goodies used to be on. Trandem for mandem. Trandem for mandem, yeah. That's the show. That's the show. I was at the gym, I can ride the bikes and you can pick your...

Like sometimes they do like a virtual city tour. Oh great. Yeah. And it's San Francisco. So in a way we've all been there. So you can ride a bike. Yeah.

When it's like stuck to the ground. I just feel like the bikes with the two little wheels at the back, that's just a better bike. Yeah. Well, with the stabilizers. Yeah. That's just a bit why are we suffering? Yeah. Little stabilizers for Yeah. That's just a bit, why are we suffering? Yeah. Little stabilizers for everybody. Everyone goes for that. Yeah. And then maybe like a big thing over it, a car, it's a car. No, and the pedals just have to push them rather than.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And a man is doing that. Um, I'm at the back and I'm there for 26 seconds. Yeah. This is, this is what I like. I think I'm going to ask David I'm there for 26 seconds. This is what I like. I think I'm going to ask David O'Doherty to teach me how to ride a bike because he loves bikes and I'm not afraid to be embarrassed in front of him. But I would have to do that in Edinburgh. I think I haven't asked him yet, but I think I will ask him to teach me how to ride a bike in Edinburgh though.

Like the hills. Why don't you go somewhere flat? Like Switzerland? Belgium? Belgium's flat. Switzerland famously not. Switzerland's the Alps isn't it? Why are you trying to do everything on hard mode? I've got a new idea for you David. Yeah, I'd like to go more though. Is it safe to say geography is not your strong point? Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm trying to think like, I think I know, like at the top of my head, if you asked me to list 10 cities, I think I would get to nine. Let's do it. Here we go. Let's do the 10 cities challenge. Okay.

Okay. The 10 cities challenge here. Okay. Okay, the 10 cities challenge. Paris. Yeah. Correct. Actually, shall we make it more interesting and there have to be in different countries? If you want, listen, if you want to do it harder then yeah, by all means. Here we go, so we've got Paris. We've got Paris, we've got Birmingham.

We've got Birmingham, okay. That's England out now. We've got the Huntliffe. Not a city. That's not a city. No, it's not got a cathedral. Or a BNQ. We got the Huntluff. Not a city. Not a city. That's not a city. No, it's not got a cathedral. Or a BNQ. There's the two.

So that's not a city. Cardiff. Going to accept Cardiff, yeah. Edinburgh. Edinburgh, yeah. Tour of the home nations here. Rome. Oh, the Eternal City.

The Eternal City. Of course, yeah. Rome. Okay, you've got four A real classic. The Eternal City. Of course, yeah. Rome. Okay, you've got four more to get to your target, five more to get to the world record. Why is Rome the Eternal City? Because it's been around forever. Was it the first city? No.

Who was the first city, do you reckon? Because the first city is going to have a problem with Rome calling itself the Eternal City, right? Yeah. It's like Birmingham has a problem with Manchester calling including themselves, the second city. Yeah. Yeah. Cause eternal has to go both ways, doesn't it? It's got to go back in time and forward. Because Rome hasn't, it's still there. So it's keeping its end of the bargain that way, you know, going forwards in time, but backwards in time.

And also I don't think you can be built in a day. I know it wasn't. That was it. That was it. Fabiously. Yeah, sorry I got that wrong. It was built. But do you know that saying like, oh every road leads to Rome. Like, well yeah. Rome's fucking arrogant is what I'm saying. It's got, it's, it's.

Yeah, like your Coliseum is like, is fucked. Yeah. It's falling apart. Yeah. It's fucked. It's absolutely falling apart, yeah. Go to the boring! Thank you! Yeah, now we're talking.

That's something, that's still standing. I just think it's got an inflated opinion of itself. I think lots of cities do. I reckon Constantinople was around before Rome. It feels like it might have been. It's got a longer name, I think. Yeah. Constantinople.

If you're Constantinople and you were around before Rome and then feels like it might have been. It's got a longer name, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Constantinople. If you're Constantinople. Yeah. And you were around before Rome, and then Rome swathes them and says, we're the eternal city. Yeah, but Constantinople isn't around anymore. Well, it's rebranded. It's rebranded. I don't think it's rebranded still.

What is it now? Is it an app? It's... Yeah, it now just comes... Constantinople app. It now just comes in pill form. So if you want to... It's a voice. It's very easy to visit.

You could just, you just pop it and then you're like, oh yeah, I've been to concert at Opel. That's just be a great pill. So that'd be, okay, what? Let's do your top 10 pills. Come on, here we go. So, no, but can I say about 10 cities? Jackie Little.

Okay, 10 cities. When I was at university, I used to do a radio show with a guy called The Hornet, who was not a natural broadcaster. Okay. Why did you indicate Selyo when you said that? That's really, really unfair. You'd have gone.

Yeah. So, and The Hornet had one big plan in life, which was that he was going to set up a nightclub that was called Intensities. Oh, poor Jack. Spelled Intensities, right? It's good. And it was going to have 10 different sections, each section in the style of a different city.

International city. And then you'd say, I spent last night in Intensities, or Intensities, and you'd be able to go, well, now I'm dancing in Rome. But is it? Now I'm dancing in Venice. Different music for each room? I, now I'm dancing in Rome. But now I'm dancing in Venice. Different music for each room?

I think so. Eternal for Rome. Perfect. Different opening hours for Rome. I think, did you ever go to Snob's? No. No. No, you never went to Snob's. Yeah.

Snob's has a room, an indie room. And then when you go upstairs, it's got the upscale sort of like, there was a lot of ladies in body contact holding a champagne flute like this. But what surprised them is just a flight of stairs. So obviously, every time I was there, I was like, we're the same people. We're all the same people. We're not different.

I had a very anti-differentiations of class in Snobzbs and I also never paid to get in. Okay. Does snobs work on that level of the higher, is it like the Titanic? The higher up you go, the posher it gets. Yeah, exactly. In the basement it's Irish dancing. It's people with fiddles flinging each other around. It's great. It's great. The pipes have leaked.

That's the only problem. If they say, okay, everyone, we've all got homes to go to and then they just open the door, water floods in. The water's cold. God, I mean, is there something in that where it's like a Titanic nightclub and is that in poor taste? Titanic, I think it might be. I think it might be in poor taste.

It's not too soon though, is it? Yeah, yeah. I think that we're opening the door to like a 9-Eleven bar. Did you hear about what happened to Intensities? They're New York. Yeah, they're New York I think that we're opening the door to like a 9-11 bar. Did you hear about what happened to Intensities? Their New York, yeah, their New York room got hit. A second occasion. Intensities, that's quite cool though. Yeah. It's, you can tell that he came up with a pun before the idea.

It's exactly, the tail is wagging the dog there. Yeah. Because 10 is way too many. Yeah three You can't even name them. So we had a nightclub in walls. That was a bit like that, wasn't it? No, but it had like a ski lodge Section it had a 1970s dance floor section in Wolverhampton Amazing. Why did I go to this?

ski lodge who Where was this? It's where you did your Midsummer Night's Dream. You did go, but you went during the day as part of theatre and education. You nerd. Oh, when you said... Atlantis. When you said I showed my bottom in, what was it called? What was the club called? Atlantis. Atlantis, Atlantis, right. Yeah. So one of the classic cities.

Wait, I've been to Atlantis. I, yeah. Because my first ever boyfriend was from Wolverhampton, so I spent a surprising amount of time in Wolverhampton. Whoa. Don't say surprising, man. I genuinely thought you were trying to put Atlantis as one of your 10 cities there, and I was going to... I don't know.

That would be sick. Party underwater? Yeah. That's not how it is underwater. Just go down to the basement in my Titanic. At the end of the night. OK, I've got my four cities left. Okay, you've got four cities left.

Yes, yes. Tokyo. Nice. Foo. Foo. Foo-foo? Foo-foo. I don't think we're accepting Foo-foo.

I don't think it's a scene. I think it's got a B and Q. Algier. Algier, okay. Algier. Yeah. San Diego. Lovely.

Lovely. With the accent as well. San Diego. Not the right accent, but certainly with an accent. San Diego. San Diego. San Diego. Lovely. With the accent as well. San Diego. Not the right accent, but certainly with an accent. San Diego. Erm... Where is San Diego?

That's in America. So you've got all of the United States now gone. Because of the mad rule you made for yourself. But I have to find two more. You've got to find two more cities. Yeah. Yeah.

Hong Kong. Hong Kong. There we go. Yeah. I wouldn't be confident on knowing that that was a city. I thought it might be a country. It is. It's both.

And New Delhi. New Delhi. Is that a city? I don't think it is. Yes, yeah. They've opened a New Delhi in Sydenham High Street. 15 seconds. What a bargain. I got into an Uber in Sydenham the other day after I got kicked out of an Uber.

We were traveling back from a flat share slam down and we said, Oh, can we add an extra extra journey on? Can we go on to Beckenham? And he was like, no, no. And I said, Oh, it's just, it's five minutes. It's literally five minutes down the road. He went, no, I'm not adding on an extra journey. I didn't know I was even driving to Sydney in the first place. I thought it was, he was like, I thought it was like SC 16 and it's not, I thought it was driving to Dulwich. So you can't, you've got to get out and get another Uber. And so I had to get, I had to get a five minute Uber, not quite as bad, but still a short, a short Uber. And when it arrived, it was a party Uber in that they were playing Chapel Rhone and it was all pink inside and there were flashing lights on. And I got in and I went, wow,

this is amazing. And the driver went, yeah. And I was like, Oh, if you have a party Uber, you've also got to be a chatty driver. Cause I was going to, I love the colors, man. He's like, yeah. And he was clearly annoyed that he'd taken an Uber that was going to take him five minutes down the road. But I was like, Oh, do I not get the, I didn't say to him, do I not get the party because the phrase, do I not get the party experience sounds bad. If you're getting a taxi at 11.30 at night and asking for the party experience, you're asking for something else. Do you know?

This is worse than a, do order a party Uber. No, there's no, there's not like comfort or Excel or party setting. It was just, it was a pure coincidence that he happened to be driving around the Sydney area at 11.30 at night. That can't be the system. What if you're on the way to your Nan's funeral? Yeah. And you go, I've called an Uber.

I accidentally got into called an Uber. I accidentally got into a funeral Uber. Really long black car. I was like, can we have capital? You can lie down in the back though. It's LFM. Did you hear the story? I think it happened to Maisie Adam, who was at a party in central London and had to leave back to Brighton and couldn't get a taxi

and there was no tube. So had to get into one of those party like Tuk Tuk things. It must have cost like 15 grand. Also you're gonna kill the driver. To London to Brighton. No to London Bridge. You made it so she couldn't get back to Brighton. So she got into Tuck Took and said, listen, mate, take me the 50 miles down to Brock. Would you mind doing what for most people is a charity bike ride? What are the stages of the tour? The first of the tunes of Wigfield. It wasn't Saturday night by the time they arrived, it was Wednesday afternoon. Do you know I had an Uber driver the other day where I couldn't figure out who I should be in the car, what his opinions were on stuff, because he was like, oh, you know, he said

my longest journey was so long, I went to Bulgaria and I went, wow, that's amazing. How was it? And he was like, yeah, it was fine. It wasn't actually that hard. And then I was like, okay, so where does the conversation go from there? And I was like, and does that annoy you? Like, do you know when people will travel that far? And he's like, yeah, no, it's incredible. And it's like, it was so hard. And I was like, oh yeah, that sounds really difficult. And he was like, no, it was fine. So wait, he was telling you, he's like, I can say it's hard, but you can't project onto me how hard it should be. And I was like, what do I do?

Did you ask the phrase, can I now have the party experience? Because it gets you out of any... Crank up shop. Do you hate those Bulgarians, do you? No, no, no, they're nice people, good people. Yeah. And were you pleased to be back in, got all blighty? No, no, no, it was nice to travel,

it's good to travel, yeah. And I was saying, not enough of them in this... Don't get... Like... What were you like? What do you want me to be? I like your, I like your, I'm gonna take a gamble on do you hate Bulgarians?

Can I have the British Nationalist Party experience, please? Oh, it's that kind of loser? I'm already dressed for the occasion. You guys must get a completely different experience in talking to Uber drivers. And life. And life, yeah. Not just Uber's, the rest is the same. Because what I get is a lot of Uber drivers, so this is the thing about being an immigrant in the UK, a lot of Uber drivers are immigrants.

And so you get basically every Uber that I get in is them going, British people are weird, right? And then I go, yeah. And then they go, oh, you're here by the way. Turns out French people are quite weird as well. That's nine quid. And then, whereas like, I think that when I hear like non-immigrants talk about Ubers, I feel like you get the right wing types.

Yeah. I've never had that in my life. Like how do they start the conversation? Like how do they get into the right wing stuff? That is a great show. Do they just go, you're white. You're white, you're like this. You're like this.

It normally depends as well. I think different cities, there's a different confidence with how quickly they will get to that. Yeah. Like Glasgow, I can remember, it would be within about a minute and a half, you would suddenly be into some really intense opinions.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, normally about you, they'd be like, ah, British, English, oh yeah, yeah. We, normally about you. They'd be like, Oh, British English. We should do a swap. We should do a swap. I want to chat to a racist driver, change his worldviews and you guys should meet an immigrant driver who will be minting you. I'm so... Becconum. Becckenham. Do you guys both drive to... He's driving me to Bouldaria.

Do you drive? Yes. Do you drive? I do. Do you ever get the bus? Yeah. Yeah. Love it.

Still, humble. Keeping it real. Wow. How often do you get the bus? I would say... Is this a good podcast? Yeah. We're definitely reformat actually, yeah.

We've just listed 10 cities, so we'll tell you, do you take the bus? How often do you take the bus? Twice a week maybe? Can I say, I do love the idea of immigrants in cabs chatting about... Getting coffee? Yes, but like I think that's the show. The show is like immigrants in cars talking about the UK on the outside of it. Oh it's amazing. It's like it's um... That's neat. Also I've I the area that I live in has a lot of Turkish men running shops and despite me repeatedly saying I am not Turkish they go no but you are though and so I've never paid full price for a shop. Oh really? A shop in my area or a kebab. Amazing. I've become so confident with it that if I know the kebab is going to be like 12 quid, I'll leave my house with 8 pounds no food.

This is great. That's good. You're living my dream. Yeah. You can use me as a VPN. You're sort of surrogate Turkish person who isn't even Turkish. It just gives back to the white people. The next time Clarkie wants a kebab, he calls you.

You come down, buy it for him, deliver it. Yeah, I can do that. A minute round trip. Yeah. Three cabs. It'll be a kebab from Hackney though, is that alright? I'll take it. It'll be cool.

And you know how like when you live a kebab out, like you have to eat it immediately because then the truth comes out. Basically, it's, it's a sort of race to stop it. The second it hits a plate, it begins to kind of curl inside itself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It like congeals in a way that's like resin.

It's like, it's like when a vampire gets hit by sunlight. Yeah. I think when you eat a kebab, you only eat the heat and the smell. That masks what it actually is. Like making eye contact with a kebab the next, like I would never, I've just been it, but I had a flatmate once who would like, it was so annoying. We would get kebabs after a night out and then I'm just like, quick, we need to get it down. Like I don't- Just destroy the evidence basically. Yeah. And she would like take it back to the flat and then put it on the kitchen table.

On a plate, no. Then like talk for ages and just like- To the kebab. Nice to meet you. Shaking hands with a bit of lamb. Listen, what do you think about bog earrings? Now I've got you here. And then I would watch it get cold and it would fill me with so much rage because she

would then grab like just a chip and then eat it like so delicately like, and I'm watching the whole play and I'm like, hurry up man. And then would like get knife and fork and eat it. And I was like, this is making me feel bad about myself. Yeah. And my previous decisions. Yeah. You should barely have any left

by the time you arrive home. Yeah. Yeah. I think they should, they should like rate restaurants, not in quality, but in time that you eat. Yeah. Yeah, I think they should rate restaurants, not in quality, but in time that you eat. Yeah. Mm, oh, this is good. You just go to be like, this is a five minute one, in out.

Do you have a place like that? Do you have a kebab nearby that you like? I've got literally one downstairs, sleeves. It's amazing. Am I getting new but then? Yeah. Instead of the hygiene rating sticker on the door, one to five, you have a time sticker.

It says the average time you will get your food in this establishment is, and it's a different sticker. Yes, because there's nothing worse. There probably is worse things. Bulgarians. People in restaurants always forget that I exist after I've ordered. So the amount of time I've like sat there and like, it's been an hour and I'm like,

it's taking a while. And I go, sorry, I think you forgot about my food. And they pretend they haven't. They're like, no, it's just takes a really long time to make a BLT. It's a really special one. Because you're only eating Turkish restaurants and they think you're working there. Yes. Well, that's actually a thing, like talking to other brand people, like the second they realize that I'm from Algeria, they kind of, it's nice because there's

this like family element to it, but that also comes with them being like, do you mind doing this? I'm not going to wash it up, would you? Like no boundaries. I don't mind doing this. I don't mind doing the washing up, would you? Like no boundaries. Just kind of like, sorry, can you change the music? Can you go on Spotify? Can you give me the party experience?

Can you serve this guy? I'm like, okay. The worst example of that was in Edinburgh, which was, I went to the forest cafe and you remember, you know, forest cafe. Yeah. And it's sort of, it's run by volunteers and expression that will make your blood run cold. Yeah. Cause no one has got anything invested in that, you know, no one, like no one cares

enough. Yeah. They care enough to say I'm volunteering, but they care enough to make sure they do a good job. They're caring in the wrong way. They're caring in the wrong way. Exactly. That's beautiful.

They place their the wrong way. They're caring in the wrong way. Exactly. That's beautiful. Very poignant. They've missed their care. Exactly. And I remember saying, hey, listen, it's been quite a while. You've got my veggie burger that I ordered about sort of 45 minutes ago. And they're going, oh, I ate it. That's bad news. That's not good. You can't do that.

That's not good, man. You absolutely cannot do that. Do you know the story of Josh Jones, how he became a full-time comedian? No. Josh Jones was a delivery driver. Deliveroo? Deliveroo. Yeah. Let's name a third one.

Just Eats. Let's do Telly. And he was on his bike. I can't relate. And someone had ordered like a couple of pizzas. The map sent him, you just follow the map. You just follow the map and the map sent him on the, there's a road in Manchester that's basically a dual carriageway. So he's on his bike.

On the dual carriageway. Everyone's beep. So he's on his bike, on the dual carriageway. Everyone's beeping. And he's like, I'll get it, do you want a second? Just got to follow the map, haven't I? So he starts crying. Oh, Josh. And then he gets off the dual carriageway.

This is bringing you so much joy. all carried away. This to me sounds like quite a sad story. He got so emotional because you like after you cry, you know that feeling after you cry. So he ate the food and deleted the app. That's how he became a full time computer. I thought, I genuinely thought the story was going to be, he went to a comedy club with the food order and just got on stage. That was so much better. He ate two pizzas, deleted the app, blocked the number of his boss, emailed the comedy store. Bon Appetit.

It's just a short cycle away. email the comedy store. It's just a short cycle away. Is there a format to this podcast by the way? Am I disrupting the form? No, not at all. No, weirdly it's list ten cities. Yeah, it's called intensities. We've already done that bit, the formatting bit's out of the way. Every guest gets a new book. Thoughts on Bulgarians.

Yeah, well we've got the bit where everybody tells a story about Maisie Adam. Oh no, we've done that bit as well. That's right. We've done that bit as well. Sorry, actually, you're ticking off all the boxes. Most comedians, they come on podcasts and they're like, it's an opportunity

to show my personality and all the stories I have. I'm like, no, his story's about other people. And go and follow Maisie Adam. She's very good. Yeah, Maisie Adam and Josh Jones. Go and give them a follow. Don't follow Josh Jones, you'll end up on a dual character.

He doesn't know where he's going. This guy is so quick. Oh, what do you guys want to talk about next? Well, I was going to ask you, what were your pre-comedy jobs? Did you do any kind of bleak jobs prior to that? I can't think of one that wasn't bleak. I have done-

As soon as your top 10 bleak jobs. Okay. I genuinely could. That's the one you could do. First one, my first ever job was I was selling wristbands on the, in New Street in Birmingham for a charity. It was a commission-based charity job. So you set a wristband for two pounds

and keep one pound. Oh, obviously that's pretty good though. Yeah. But it turned out to be a scam. It does sound like it. What was the charity supposed to be? It was, I can't say. I can't say. Okay. Fair enough. But it was selling wristbands and I, that's basically how I learnt English. Cause it was basically like we were teenagers. I was 19. I was one of the oldest and um, you're like Fagans gang.

Put your put again. But it's crazy like stopping people out on the street and I used to take it so seriously like, and everyone did like the manager was like, it was around the time that the Wolf of Wall Street had come out. So like, sure. In my interview, it was like, sell me this pen. Take these quail eggs. Stop dribbling. Okay, now drive home. We all thought we were like big salespeople, like selling plastic wristbands. And then that led me to do a proper sales job in a photography studio where I would sell family pictures. Someone comes and I would be like, that's a lovely picture of your daughter.

She's not always going to look like that. You should buy this picture. Could you make it less taken? Unless you buy the golden package. Basically the job was implying that everyone in their family was going to get ugly. Should you have a picture now and they look good. There is a truth to that. I worked in a bar I only took oh god that was that's before that I worked in an office in South Birmingham that was the job was okay okay, it was, we made the bridges that people who take up your rubbish use to weigh the rubbish and my job was, I still don't fully get it.

But my job was customer service. So it was like scales for weighing rubbish. Yep and so I would get men from all around the country who subscribe to our And my job was customer service. So it was like scales for weighing rubbish. Yep. And so I would get men from all around the country who subscribe to our services, ring me and complain about it not working. And I regret how like the line was really bad. It was a very cheap phone. And then didn't understand the Irish accent at this point.

Right. And we get Irish people complaining. And I would hang up and wait for it to go to someone else, because I just didn't understand it. And also crucially, do you know the... Who was your line manager? Was it Josh Jones? Listen, if you're panicking, hang up, just get someone else to do it. Delete the app, chuck the phone in the bin. And then I became a full-time delivery driver. No, but do you know like, the phonetic alphabet, like A for Bravo, B. Oh yeah. A is not for Bravo by the way.

No, A. You fall at the first hurdle there. I failed at, nobody told me that that's what was happening. Oh right. So that it was... So when they're going Echo, Yankee, Foxtrot, and I would take emails, I would write a for alpha B for like, I would type out a for alpha B for Bravo. And like, be like, people in England, their email addresses are crazy. It's like a paragraph long. And I did that for six months and no one...

You lasted six months? I lasted a year at that place. And you know when you find out something in a group setting but you can't let out that you just found out about it? It was someone saying, it was two girls in the same role of cubicles being like, do you use beef or bruv or? And they were like, Oh no, I use banana. And then, and I was like, Oh no, got some emails to type in absolute gibberish into this.

Every email is 40, 50 lines long. And I gave up at one point. I was just like, I was like, can I take your email? And then there would be beef and I would be like, not typing up too long. And I gave up at one point. I was just like, I was like, can I take your email? And then there would be beef and I would be like, not typing up too long. Did you not wonder why everyone's emails were so similar? Yeah. Well, I was like, this is place is crazy. Like people's emails.

Um, like, and I think I justified by like, it's maybe like a security thing. Wait until I tell my Uber driver about this. These UK people are nuts, man. Wait until I tell my Uber driver about this. These UK people are nuts, man. So that was like a year. Then I started doing standup and I quit that office job because I had a bar that was like, we'll hire you as a bartender and you can run a comedy night. And I was like, okay, she, she's going to get started a comedy night there.

And I was MCing it and I was, it was my fourth gig and it was every Monday night. And do you know what like, it's like heartbreaking, is bombing in front of all of your colleagues and audiences as an emcee. And then having to put the chairs up. I had to stack the chairs up. Stay for an extra three hours for clothes. Yeah. And it was so bad. So I had to quit that job because they had witnessed me being so bad.

Couldn't go back. When I started doing comedy and it started doing all right, I got a message from someone who worked there being like, it's crazy you're doing well. We always saw you as more of a stacker. We thought your stacking was second to none. You pulled the hell of a pipe. It was so, and I remember like the first one, Joel Iset came to do it as like a, a favor.

And every single one after that, people would show up, ask if July is on. And when being told no, they would leave. Yeah. Yeah. That was bad. And then I did, do you still want to hear about jobs? Yeah. Oh yeah.

We love loving it. And then I did, um, I don't know the way anything was after the bar. Yeah. Then I did another way in thing was after the bar. Then I did, I worked in an office that was dealing with, it was people who have had like using private healthcare, they had like weight reduction surgery, like gastric balloons and stuff. And my job was to ring people who have just had the surgery

and check on them. But I had like 100 people to ring a day. And a lot of people like don't have like therapy. So it would be me in my flat being like, yeah, that sounds really hard. I'm so sorry, I have to go. And like, it was so exhausting. Then I worked in IT, don't know how that happened.

Yeah. Considering you struggle with emails. Yeah, exactly. Yes. Echo mails. If Echo. Of course you can. Considering you struggle with emails. My last job before going full time was there's a chicken shop in central London, who's a part of a chain of chicken shops. Yeah. And my last job was just- Run by a military man?

Run by a military man. Sure. Sure. My job was to set up the IT system for that. What? I know. But here's what happened. I was meant to work in creative and help with the input of the,

it was a big restaurant group. And I remember it was so corporate, it was my first corporate job and there was the new edit comedy and I was meant to like describe the food and stuff and I remember being in a meeting and they were like right so we need to come up with how to describe a hot chocolate and I went I think we should go with like indulgent. And someone went, that's genius. Someone went, that's so creative. Cause I just had hot written down here.

Hot and chocolatey but indulgence. Indulgence, good. Someone thinks outside the cup. Outside the cup is a comedy night. So they, I think they were like, she's a creative, she can figure it out. And they asked me to like, the IT system. And also I was in charge of inputting allergens. Hang on. They were so impressed with you.

You usually were an indulgent. They put you in charge of IT. This is roughly what's going on here. Like people get, oh, you get kind of promoted into incompetent. Peter principal. Yeah. Yeah. But just instantly, like day one, one word in and they're like, you see, yo. Did they think that IT is for indulgent tech? Because that's what I use as a phonetic alphabet. I'm for indulgence. T for indulgent tech. Yeah. Because. That's what I use as a phonetic alphabet. I'm for indulgence. T for terrifically chocolatey.

I joined and they gave me the job. And I was like, I was like, I can't be like, I don't know how to do this. That's a real running theme I'm finding here actually. Just so you know, I have no idea what I'm doing and it opens in three days. It opens in three days like a musical. Yeah, on the West End. Really? 24 nights only. So you were launching the IT, you know,, chickens were coming electronic in T minus three days.

And like, do you know those screens when you go to a shop or like a food shop and they have the menu and there's like animations and stuff. Like my job was to set those up and I was like, I don't know. Holy shit. I just don't know what I'm doing. So basically the giant iPads that are in every store, you do those because you've come up with the word indulgence. They are quite indulgent I suppose.

I tell you what the word indulgence. They are quite indulgent, I suppose. I tell you what else is indulgent. I plan to put iPads into every, but we don't know how to do it. One thing that kept happening is, this is crazy, I remember this. So when you input it, there's no way to know if you've put it the right way.

Across the country, in different restaurant groups, the menu would be upside down because I wasn't... You had a 50-50 chance. I would get a picture saying the Brighton one is not good. And I'm like, oh, that's a shame. If only anyone knew how to do... I have no idea what I'm doing. So they set me up to set up the IT thing.

And my manager rang me and said that I had done something wrong. And I was still, I had like a week's notice and I hate being shouted at. And especially when I'm- I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's your thing, isn't it? Give me the fucking hairdryer treatment. Let's do it. I'll send you some websites. Yeah. I think the, uh, you fucking, no, I couldn't

do that. I could, I still feel bad about saying fuck you like six months ago. Did you quit? I quit. I sent an email saying, um, it was titled resignation. And then I said, she's good. She's still good. How can we let her resign? Get her back in there. She comes out. I always thought it was Romeo, but apparently it's resignation. And I sent the email and then I was like, and then I quit.

And then that's how it became a full-time comic, but not like not as good as Josh Jones's. No, not as good as Josh Jones's. And then I ordered a pizza. We were going to ask, do you have Josh Jones's email? And do it, please do it in the phonetic alphabet. I'm afraid we don't have time to listen to this. Juliette, Oscar, Sierra.

Yeah. See, I'm like, how dare you, Sierra? What are you doing? How hostile. It's so crazy how quickly I've gone into like, like in my head, like how quickly. I keep thinking about the people who didn't get the email, like me being like, um, I think I said to a colleague, these emails are weird, but she did not have the context of what I was doing.

Cause I was like, yeah, I guess sometimes emails are weird. Yes. Anyway, great chat. Anyway. Were you in an Uber? Tell you what's weird, emails. Yeah, yeah. Listen, I'm just going to drop you off here if that's all right. The Uber driver gets out. He's far enough. Celia, thank you for coming on and doing the pod. Where can people find you, by the way, if they...

I mean, obviously you're always traveling. Always traveling. Up and down the country. Always on the road. Up and down the country. Always on the road. Up and down the country, but like one minute at a time. Almost like a theme park ride. They can find me. I'm on social media and that's it.

And it really, in the end. Yeah, that's it. We would have to be at, but yeah. I'll be at the Fringe. Oh, fantastic. Doing two weeks of work in progress at Monkey Barrel, I think at 1 p.m. Celia Alpha Bravo.

So Celia Alpha Bravo. Celia Alpha Bravo. That's my father's name. I think, yeah, Celia AB, Monkey Barrel, 1 p.m. Last two weeks of the Fringe. Be there. Magic. Yeah. Be there. Or that's fine if you don't. Yeah.

I'm just learning expressions. All good? All good. Cheers! Cheers! Hey, here we are on the other side. Thank you for listening to that. If you enjoyed it, Cheers! You can support our endeavours and you get a bonus episode every Thursday of something we call Pappy's Pop Round. It's not a musical quiz like some people think. It's a podcast in its own right. We can't stress that enough guys. It's not a musical quiz. Yes indeed. It's a very fun chat.

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