Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1521: How to spot a secret Viking

Episode Date: June 24, 2025

How many pairs of trousers do you actually need? What does the algorithm think about Tom? Plus we chat about the nastiest video nasties we've ever seen.To get episodes early and ad-free - PLUS a bonus episode every week - join our Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareTo watch full episodes of Pappy’s Flatshare find us on YouTube: www.youtube.com/@pappysflatshareAnd follow us onInstagram: instagram.com/pappyscomedyTikTok: www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshareFacebook: www.facebook.com/PappysFlatshare/And X: twitter.com/pappystweet Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another very exciting episode of Papi's Flat Share. Woo! Yes, that's right. So exciting with this episode that we couldn't remember what it was about, but on Re-Listen I actually really enjoyed myself, you know. Oh, that's good.

That's good because yeah, we recorded a few of these in sort of chunks, like, because we're doing them in person again. And my God, has it given us a new lease of life. We're really enjoying it. I can't recommend highly enough going over to the YouTube and watching us in the flesh recording these episodes because it is a lot of fun.

But it does mean that when you record a big block of them, then a month later, when you come to put them out, you're like, what the bloody hell are we talking about? Absolutely right. I know. But Tom, you've listened and you like it. Yeah.

It also means listener, dear, that Parry has got to get on a long old train to do the records. So let's point you towards our Patreon, where if you want to support your boys on quite literally their journey, a long train journey, then you can by giving four pounds a month to help with the effort. And yeah, for four pounds a month, you get bonus podcast every week, you get discounts for the live shows and early access to tickets and things like that. Correct. You also get to be part of our wonderful Patreon community. Emails fling around my inbox from our Patreon listeners. I thought you were suggesting that you get emails from us and people were like, well,

what I really want is more emails from people. For just four quid a month, we'll send you an email. There'll be a wonderful chat going on between Patreon listeners. I have no idea what the start of that conversation was or what someone's replying to, but it's just nice to, I feel like I'm on the periphery of a really bustling party and you could be in the middle of that party for just four pounds a month. Tom, you are the party. You do realize that, don't you?

You are literally the host of the party. The host of the party like barking over to the corner of the room. What are you talking about? You're the host are the party. You do realize that, don't you? You are literally the host of the party. The host of the party, like, barking over to the corner of the room. What are you talking about then? What's this? Is that?

What's happening? You talking about me? I don't know. But anyway, I dipped back in to the party and had a real chuckle, actually. I really, really entertained myself listening to this. That's good. That's good. I was delighted to find us good company.

If the listener finds us just as half as enjoyable as Tom finds us, then the listener is in for a real treat. Yeah. So it was, it was, it was a fun chat. We talked about what the internet thinks Tom should be, what Clarkie truly is, and indeed how many pairs of trousers is essential to own in a lifetime. So all the big questions. All the big questions are all the big questions. If you want to come and see us live, by the way, if the YouTube is not quite scratching the itch and you want to be there in the room where it happens,

then please do go along to pappiescomedy.com forward slash live. We've got a few live shows coming up. If you're at the Latitude Festival, we're gonna be there on the Saturday night, sometimes sort of mid evening, I guess, about sort of seven o'clockish. We haven't got the definite time yet, but we know it's gonna be Saturday night.

We're gonna be at the Cheerful Yearful Festival on October the 19th. You can get your tickets right now from pappyscomedy.com forward slash live and the next two Phoenix Flatslams will be on the 22nd and 23rd of September. They're not on sale yet but mark your diaries now. Save the date. And it feels like a long way away but let me tell you, it will soon whip around. September will be here. Wake me up.

We're in September calls. Is that the words? Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah. Bang on. That was Tom. Bye. Blue day. Wonderful.

You're listening to radio. Why?. You're listening to Radio Why? Why am I listening to this? Like it's just an approximation of things. Okay. Well, anyway, let's get into this. We should put a little warning at the top. It does start in a bleak place. Believe me, it doesn't stay there for long.

Mark my words. The bleak place being three 40 year old men doing a podcast. Happy flat share. Talking about whatever. Happy flat share. We've been doing this forever. Happy flat share.

But we don't really live together. Happy flat share. Yeah. There's a really bleak thing to tape, I don't want to do that. That's good, thank you. Tom, that's a great instinct. Yeah, it's so bleak. I really appreciate that instinct. I'm so...

I'm just so curious. Well, could we put this on the Patreon? Could we steer people towards the Patreon with... Listen, if you want to hear something absolutely bleak... It might steer people off the Patreon with, listen, if you want to hear something absolutely believe. It might steer people off immediately off the Patreon though. This is interesting though. So you feel like you want to tell us, but you don't want to tell us.

No, yeah. I was like, I was like, oh, this is a pertinent low. And I was like, I don't know if I'll actually, I mean. Tom, this is so tantalizing, but also it's a really, you know what this is like? Yeah, go on. This is a bit like when there's a video of people have described what's in the video, right? And it's a bit horrible. And you're like, I both want to see it and don't want

to see it. There are famous examples of that, right? You know, the monkey and the frog being one of them, the two Girls One Cup being another. And I know about them, never seen any- The Monkey and the Frog One Cup. That terrible collab. All of that, I don't want to know, but at the same time, there's a part of my brain that goes, maybe I do.

Well, now I've got a bleak thing though. Okay, all right. Is it a bleak special? How has this bleakness spread so quick, Tom? You've got a real innate ability to spread bleakness. The telepathic, the telepathic bleakness. How, well... Do you want to go first?

Well, it was just, it feels like message just because... See if we can trigger something bleak down the... Well, I've already started talking about the monkey and the frog. That's pretty bleak. I don't know what that is. Don't worry about it. Yeah, don't worry about it. I was at my friend's house. Oh, God. I can't hear what that is. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I was at my friend's house.

Oh God. I can't hear anymore. I literally can't hear anymore from your sad, disgusting life. First and last time, let me tell you, there was three of us and we started talking about Two Girls, One Carp. And I was like, oh, I never saw it. No. And they were like, is this recent?

This is like really recent. Because this sounds like you're 16 years old. I know exactly. I was around my friend's house and we were talking about two girls, one cup. That's what's happening today, Clarky. But you're around your own house and your friends have come round and for some reason I'm talking about two girls, one cup. This is mad.

Anyway, my friend's mum had just brought us all some lemonade. We were in his room and they let us close the door, right? They let us close the door. And we had a lighter and a can of links. Okay, anyway. Anyway, I haven't got any friends anymore. Long story short, it's quite bleak. Go on, you were around your friend's house talking about Two Girls, One Cup.

Yeah, I don't know why it came up in conversation. Probably one of us made a joke. You know, never mind. Again, what year was this? I know. And I was saying, I never watched it. Now I'm like, no, I can't believe you never watched it. And then they got quite giddy and they were like, should we watch it? No. And I was like, I haven't watched it for a reason. And then they got so giddy, they were

like, we're going to watch it. And so I sat the other side of the room, they watched it again and then were really sad because they were like, oh, it's terrible. We thought, so we remembered it. And it was and you watched them watch it. Yeah. They, the one they remembered was the girls stacking the cups really quickly. Now that is really good. That's really, really good. Slams down on the timer. One girl, 12 cups. Much more positive video. It's way more positive. Yeah. Much better. Okay. So we had Clarky's. What did the monkey, what did the monkey do to the frog? You don't want to know. What do you think?

Fucked it to death? Yeah. Anyway, listen. What do you think? Fucked it to death? Yeah. Anyway, listen. Why did you have to ask? Is this episode two of our Fables episode? Are we? Oh.

It's not too early in the episode to begin a fresh to begin a fresh. I've got another stock on the stock. Go on Tom. What's your other starter? Let's see if that's a little better. Does the internet advertise something to you that you absolutely don't want? Yes. Never gonna want.

Everything, everything the internet advertises to me. But within two weeks. You're thinking, yeah. You're thinking, honestly, am I gonna purchase this thing? Yeah. What have you bought, Tom? I haven't bought it, but like, the most extreme example of that is happening to me.

Okay. For some reason, the algorithm is targeting me. Yeah. A, a Viking muck. Oh no. I think it's got you. I think the algorithm knows you perfectly. It's a Viking mug that has a rope handle. No. It's like a pewter, like a pewter kind of tankard. Right, yeah.

That Vikings would use. And it's got a rope handle. Yeah. So that, firstly, it's got a rope handle. That is going to rot. There's no way of you, there's no way of you, there's no way of you, there's no way of you that you can use it. It's a Viking mug.

It's a Viking mug. It's a Viking mug. It's a Viking mug. It's a Viking mug. It's a Viking mug. It's a Viking mug. It's a Viking mug. It's a Viking mug. It's a Viking mug. It's a Viking mug. It's a Viking mug. It got a rope handle. Yeah. So that firstly, it's got a rope handle.

That is going to rot. There's no way of you washing this without it. Stop dishwasher safe. Surely. You've got to watch. The problem with these things, the problem with the system now is that first crops up and you're like, that is fucking mad. OK.

I'm on my second watch of the advert, but you're trying to get your head round. Now someone's life has ended up running a Viking tankard business and the fact that it's doing quite well because they've got quite a large presence on my timeline. I don't know how other Vikings could, so my timeline. No one's offered you the horned hats. I hadn't have other Vikings goods on my timeline. No one's offered you the horned hats? I hadn't been Googling horned hats.

Because you feel like that... And I hadn't even... Had you Googled the word pillage? It's not like I'd been chatting about pillage. Do you know what I mean? I hadn't had my two friends around. It wasn't like... I hadn't been talking about the Vikings. They hadn't, like, I know they say they're listening to us.

This sailed at me out the blue. The Vikings are listening to us. This is terrible news. You know, like, I hadn't been discussing it. I'm not a fan of the Vikings or their work. I don't know where that rumours come from. But their kitchenware. So how many times, you said you saw it, you watched the advert and you thought, well,

I don't want it, but there's something enticing about it. But this is being advertised like unironically. It's like, I have my morning coffee in it and that feels great. Then I go to work and I have water in it and that's great. And then when I come home from work, that first beer of the day day it's one cup all of my life. What is going on? Yeah and it's like they're selling it. Imagine going to work with your Viking mug. And it's like a lifestyle choice and it's like this thing defines you man. It does. Yeah and it really does. That's the only bit of the advert I agree with. This thing will define you. You will be the guy who walks around with his pewter mug in a sandwich bag. Yes.

And that... No, no, no. Comes in a carry case. Oh no. What's that made of? Is that the rope handle? Sling the rope handle around your shoulder. But like, because it keeps coming back and I'm still like, I'm so fascinated by it as

a thing that now it feels like I'm going to buy a fucking Viking buter tankard. I thought about you, I did think about you. Why do you think about me? You've got a beard, haven't you? You look like you're Viking. You've got the aesthetic. If you went down the kind of liver king sort of, you know, that kind of world, it wouldn't feel a million miles away. A liver king and Viking the same.

Liver king, Viking, Tiger King, or the Fisher King. The same cinematic universe. Or the Fisher King. The same cinematic universe. I think if any one of the three of us was going to go down a back to basics, and I know Viking isn't basics, but go down a back to basics kind of route, I think it could be Clarkie. And so take a picture of the three of us and go, one of these people have just been to the Viking visitors center in York.

Well, I have been there. Yeah, I know you loved it. One of these people. I don't know why you go, why me? You fucking love the Vikings. You love going to the Vikings visitors center. Hold on, wait a second. I'm not saying you approve of their raping and pillaging.

You're not a Viking apologist, but you are interested in them. Go on. Come on, Clarky. Let's hit the counter argument. And don't, as you usually do, whack us with a broadsword. No, what I was going to say is my brother's really into it. So that's why you don't, you can't admit to yourself that the, the apple doesn't fall too far from the other apple that's fallen off the tree.

the apple doesn't fall too far from the other apple that's fallen off the tree. The apple that's been thrust into a pig's mouth and hog roasted. I really don't want this to be my future. Well, I can't believe that. Don't worry. Oh, I tell you what though. Yeah. I know obviously we've talked about steampunk and what about a sort of futuristic Viking to be the next?

Ooh. You know, like that maybe if- You see. You see. Yes. You see. Yes. So I mean, it's a pewter mug, but it's got a graphic equalizer.

This is what we're talking about. Let the two reactions to that. I went- Tom went, I don't want it. And you went, ooh. An involuntary noise of glee. You are a deeply closeted Viking. And the idea of being a space Viking excites you.

Space Viking? You see. You do like it and there's nothing wrong with it. Did you watch any of the shows, you know, like those Viking? Yeah, yeah. Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, you know, I only watched all of them multiple times whilst wearing a helmet. Anyway, I'm just saying that it's like, it's insidiously, it's, it's a lifestyle choice, but it feels inevitable. Yeah. For me, apparently. I was going to buy it for you. I thought I'd buy this for Clarky for his birthday. Oh, please don't. Do you think in your future, you could become a sort of local eccentric, where you're like, oh, you live

in that part of South London. Have you seen the Viking man? Oh, yeah, I think I live a few doors down from the Viking man because I do see him. I know if you don't put doors down from his long boat. I know I do because there's a fucking sail above his house. I feel like sail above it for sale in front of it. I feel like you could be, uh, you know, that could be, that could become your personality. I just think you've got to stop denying your Viking connections. Can't believe this has become about me.

Yeah. It's an intervention. Okay. If you, but it's the intervention for the opposite reason, you know, I think about one in a hundred interventions are you should be on heroin. You should have a problem. Yeah. I think that could, I think this could be good for you be on heroin. Please. You know what? You should have a problem. Yeah. I think that could, I think this could be good for you, Clarke.

Right. Have you got like a historical kind of period or group that would fit for you? If I may, I think you've got a very kind of swashbuckling look to you. A swashbuckling look. I thought that was gonna finish with ticker. I'm glad you went to buckling.

There was a brief hesitation after swash and I was worried. You've got a very swash ticker tattoo. Yeah, exactly. You've got your swash ticker, you've got your swash buckler, you've got your swash comma Joe. Two of them are fine. One of them...

The Joe Swash series. Every week we finish his name in a different way. Yeah, I don't think... I don't think... As someone who pretty cares about his own branding, I don't think he's going to go for one of your options. Okay. The Swashbuckler is a great nickname for Joe Swash though, if you're his mate.

The Swashbuckler's here. The Swashbuckler's here. The Swashbuckler's here. I like the idea of being a Swashbuckler. I like the idea of having one of those very thin swords, you know, laughing, ha-ha, and then jumping off a thing. But also you would be like the captain's sidekick. A Smee character.

A Smee character, exactly. A Smee character. That's me in the corner. That's me in the corner of the longboat crying because I get seasick. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. There's like a touch of the Smee about you.

Yeah, there's more. The thin pirate, you know, like not the big clogger, not the kind of big bad boy, but like the kind of plotter, you know, you know, the, the, the journey. I've got the glasses on the end of my nose, but if there's any kind of trouble, then I'm sort of slightly cowering in the background. Yeah. Always under a table. Exactly. The crew fucking hate you every the least popular person oh they would fucking love to kill you but you know where they're going exactly yeah the one like they're dangling you over the side you're like I know the route and it's like we can kill him you can't make the sat nav walk the plank

boys that kind of stuff it feels like you're really trying to cast yourself as the captain there yeah I, I'm the crew. The crew hate you. There's only one member of the crew. There's two people on this. Neither of them are the captain. There's the crew and Smee and the crew hates Smee, but Smee just wants to get to dry land. And the crew is like, listen, if I kill Smee, I probably will die myself, but it might be worth it. The crew are going to eat you. Listen, I know you're a hungry boy.

We ran out of food, but I get that. I think that's a good, that's a good place. You get the idea of everyone wanting to kill me. Do you know what I really respond to out of the things that I've said? You being in a situation where you're sort of... Kind of pointed to me as though I said it as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that. Let's do a quick point. Good point. Let's just go through the minutes. Now, Clark, he said that everybody hates Crosby and wants to murder him. Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah, tick.

That's that's good. Let's go through the minutes. I said I want to buy a Viking mug, so Clark, you must be a Viking. Clark, he said, Crosby looks like a pirate, so I said, everyone hates him. Okay. Meeting adjourned. I concur. The other thing that happens is with the internet trying to sell you stuff is that you buy one thing and the internet goes, you're that guy now. And it'll often be something incredibly functional. Like a Viking mug.

Like a Viking mug. You can put your coffee, your water, and your beer in. Do you not realize, I bought this mug, so I'll never have to buy another mug again. Stop advertising me generic mugs. It comes with a lifetime guarantee. You'll be not surprised to hear that. Does it really?

Yeah. It comes with a lifetime guarantee. But of course, if you bring it on the ship, how long are you going to live? Well, not very long if you're in. Not if you're me. Not if you're me to death with a Viking bug. It's not even the right era.

That's the thing that, and I tell you what, they do that a lot on Instagram, because I almost got, no, in fact, I say almost, I did buy them. OK. OK. Now we're talking. I said I almost got done by them. I was like, no, I bought them, and then I

forgot to send them back, and know, couldn't get rid of them basically. But this is, this is worse than mug for the one thing you're ever going to need. I bought the only pair of trousers you'll ever need to buy again. You know, they said that's it forever. You've bought your pair of trousers and then they arrived. And again, I bought them off of Instagram. That should be alarm bells right there. You're not buying, you can't buy them off of Instagram. That should be alarm bells right there. You're not buying. You can't buy anything off of Instagram. You can't buy products off of Instagram.

So the trousers arrived and they were effectively, you know, if you go on a camping trip, they're the trousers you buy to go on a camping trip that you never actually put on. Basically effectively like waterproof trousers. So they're selling you, this is a trouser for all seasons. This is a trouser for all seasons, if-

You're hoping to never have to change your trouser. That's right. You can get in the bath with them. You want your trouser on and that's you. Yeah, absolutely. And then at the end of the day, I could hoist them up the mast and they would fill with air and sail me home.

That's what I'm hoping for. I just sit there with my flag and have mead. Yeah. But obviously they've got a guy who is well proportioned and fantastically good looking wearing trousers that are not the trousers. You get said they're not those trousers. Basically you get, I'm getting catfished by trousers because you know how when, you know, when someone gets catfished by trousers because you know when someone gets catfished and they go, oh, I was dating this model and here's a photo of her and here's a photo of her and here's another photo of her and they're all three different people, but because you're so love blind, you can't see that you're looking at three different women. You were looking at three different trousers.

About 40 different pairs of trousers. All great trousers. All gorgeous trousers. There's like him going off to do a presentation, he's wearing one set of trousers. All gorgeous trousers. Like there's like him going off to do a presentation. He's wearing one set of trousers and they look amazing. Wow. Him going out, you know, like he... These really are a trouser for all seasons.

A trouser for all seasons. I thought that's it. Do you know what? I'm sold. Where can I get these trousers? Well, the back of my wardrobe, if you want. They may be a little tight on you. Yeah. And that was the other thing as well. When they arrived, I mean, I get, I got them whatever size I get, you know, extra small Sylvania families, whatever the thing I have to click to get them in my size. They're huge. They're, they look like I am going to a fancy dress party's

MC Hammer. They're just, they're huge. They're crinkly. They make a noise every, there's no way you'd be able to give a presentation of the sound of your own trousers popping and crackling from all the static. Oh, my presentation trousers are too noisy. My presentation trousers have caused a lightning storm and killed the CEO. There's no, there's no way. The captain's dead? Mutiny! Someone's getting keel-hauled for this. I too bought a pair of trousers off Instagram. They arrived six weeks later from China. They weren't the trousers that I thought I was buying. They came to the top

of my ankles. They were like these corduroy parachute pants and on the back was just a huge label that says fashion. It's not spell right. It says fascism actually. He's a man for Joe Swash. Right, no, no, we cannot keep... Right, Joe Swash is one of Britain's great entertainers and great men. We cannot besmirch his good name. I love Swashie. I won't hear a word against him, all right? I totally agree.

Yes, Tom. I know you totally agree, but you do keep saying, can we pitch a show where we make Joe Swash into a Nazi? And I have to say the answer- It's only one episode. Yeah, that's one is enough. The other one, he's a pirate. I'd say one is enough. We haven't worked out the other ones yet.

But there must be other words that begin with swass. Anyway, fashion, big, big orange label, not spelled correctly. Is this label on the outside or on the inside? On the outside. Oh no. Like juicy. Shall we do a special episode where we all wear trousers we bought off Instagram? No, because you wouldn't be able to hear the episode with my trousers. Even sat still, my trousers, honestly, it's like a bottle of cocoa pops. They're just constantly going, constantly fizzing away. Yeah, no, it can't happen. Did you have to explain, I had to explain to my partner, I had to say, I bought them

very quickly off Instagram and I had to be lectured on how that isn't the way to do things. Yeah, I didn't need the lecture. The trousers themselves were the lecture. But what I didn't do, and Charlie did say, look, we will, I will show you how to post them back, right? Cause that's, that's how, that's how Charlie shops. She buys a load of stuff, tries it all on,

posts a load of stuff back. And I'm like, that just seems like too much work. I've never done that in my life. Never done that in my life. Much rather, stick it in the wardrobe, never look at it again. Stick it in the wardrobe and every now and then go, well, that was a hundred pounds.

Oh! They were a hundred pounds. I thought that's an investment, right? Lifetime. How much are you spending? I mean, how much are you spending? I mean, these jeans were more than, these jeans were more than a hundred pounds. Like a pair of jeans, like 110 quid, aren't they? You know, like you'd better buy a pair of Leva.

The last pair of jeans I bought were 20 pounds. Oh, Clarky. Where'd you get them from, Clarky? They're incredibly loud. I can only wear them to like a live football game or something. The last... They're like those... Like a rattle. ... people so it's just clacking down the road.

The last pair of jeans Clarkie bought were from the market and they've got a spray painted Bart Simpson flipping someone off. That's what's going on with Clarkie's jeans. They're loud in both senses. Me and my two friends, we've all got the same jeans. I've had the same jeans on for four days now because they've fused to my body. I can't even take them off to have a piss. Love that song. 20 quid jeans.

20 quid is yeah. How many ways did you get out of them before you walk? They're still going man. Well they've walked off without you. They've gone wrong. They're still going. The thing is you're going to be walking down the street one day and a gust is going to blow and you're going to be there in your undercrackers.

You're going to be there in your poor little, you know, your little Viking hemp pants that Tom bought you for your last birthday. Your pewter underwear. What do you get targeted with adverts for on the internet. I once looked up a weighted vest. It's never left me. I saw a video where someone was like, if you wear a weighted vest, right? And you go about your normal day, your body will think you weigh like 20 kilograms too heavy. And it all like jettison, like you'll lose weight really quickly. And

I was like, that sounds great. So I looked it up and then I thought better of it. But I'm still talking. I've got to ask, are you wearing it now? In a way. I was going to say my body thinks I'm 20 is too heavy, but it doesn't do anything about it. Maybe another 10kg? It just goes, oh well. All it does is make me snore and die in my 50s.

My body's reaction is, oh well, time to go. We had a good thing. Bury me in my pewter mug. Great place to keep your ashes actually, Tom. Just lie me gently on some broken soil in a weighted vest and I'll slowly sink to 10 feet down. No need to dig a hole. Just wake me corpse.

Wake me vest after I go go. Wake me corpse. Give me a Viking funeral. Wake me corpse before I go go. Sink to the bottom of the park lake. So the weighted vest. So you get yourself a weighted. Where are the weights? I don't have it.

You looked up a weighted vest. It's just always around waiting for you. This vest waits for no man. Where are the vest weights? Where are the vest weights? I'm talking about the car. Show us on your body, Clarky. Let's have a touch. Show us on your body where the best weights? Where are the best weights? I'm so close to the car. Show us on your body, Clarky. Let's have a touch.

Show us on your body where the best weights are. Where are the weights? They're right here. Where's your best weight, Clarky, man? Where's your best weight? Stop it. What's the design? Do you like the fact we're now recording in the same room?

Where would the weight go? Show us on the doll. You would have. Well, there are different varieties. There are some where there's a series of small pockets. Yes. You slide little weights into, sold separately. No.

Yeah. So you bought a vest. So you just got a vest with pockets. That's what you're buying really. Is it one of those- It's like a Fisher's jacket. Is it like one of those things you can wear to get through? You know, like they they sell those on like like wish.com and stuff

It's like it's like a waistcoat you can wear to go through the airport. So you don't need to carry on any luggage Yeah, like with a pocket so big you can fit a laptop in it. It's like that. They are very similar. Is it like that? Yeah, yeah, you can get one where you can slide in like existing weights that you have. Members of the family. But one ticket for one flight and the whole family coming with just a series of papooses. So after that, are you saying that that you're like every time you search for anything, it's always saying, hey, you're the guy who likes weighted clothing. How about buying this antique diving suit?

How about buying these solid platinum clogs? Those £20 jeans are an absolute steal considering they're made of lead. An absolute actual steal. Literally a steal. Oh, boy. But a steel. Oh boy. But you never went for it. Never went for it. What about the weighted...

Maybe one day. Have you ever had the weighted blanket to help you sleep? No. I think I'd have a panic attack. They're very nice. I've slept under them. You got one? Yeah, we bought one ages ago.

We don't use it very often, but sleeping under a weighted blanket is a very, it's very, very comforting. I just lie on my back. Like a beached whale. And slowly sink into the ground. I have exactly the same effect. Just let my own body envelop myself. You don't set an alarm, you just wait to hear the first rib crack, don't you? When the first rib crack. 20 more alarms to go. That's just news button. How many ribs you have guys? Get in touch. Great question. Really good question.

Quick guess. Quick guess. How many ribs you got? 16 from me. 24. How many ribs do you have? Yeah. I reckon you've got 57. I thought you were going to go for single figures. I reckon you got two. I reckon I got, guys, I've got, I've got three ribs. Is that a problem?

I can not only suck myself off. I can rim myself. Yeah. And that's why we hate you so much. I'm going to keel allhaul myself with my own body. What's that strange cat doing in the corner? Why are we so lost? We've been at sea for months.

It's because he keeps noshing himself off in the crow's nest. He's supposed to be telling us where we're going. Oh, three ribs himself. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. What's he doing up there? Rim ahoy! Anyway, it's bleak stuff today. It is. It's a bleak special.

It's a really, really bleak special. I can't believe it's been this bleak and we never actually got onto the bleak thing. No, I know. The toilet seat was the thing. I bought a toilet seat and then for months afterwards they were like, hey, you like your toilet seats, don't you? Toilet seat. Merry Christmas.

Insane. Time for a new one. Yeah. They just think he's, I bet he's going to really get a taste for this. He's going to, you know, once you buy one toilet seat. You can't go back. Yeah, well you're always going back. All you wanna do, all you wanna do is buy bigger and better toilet seats.

I use one toilet seat and then dispose of it immediately afterwards. Really? Like Beyonce. That's my Blake story actually. Guys, I've got a dangerous toilet seat habit. I'm on fire every day. Well, famously, you know, I'm not using them currently. I'm a ball boy.

You said you were going to try that. I know this is an old episode. Probably won't go into it now. How long have we done? Just remembered I've got to, just remembered the toilet seat shops closing and I've promised them I'd go have a browse. You better set off 20 minutes early as well because that weighted vest is really going to slow you down.

At least you're coming though. because that weighted vest is really going to slow you down. Belly, you're coming though at least. No, we've had a lot of fun now. So do you feel like you could tell us what the bleak thing was or do you not want to? I mean, I can, yeah. I was on the train and I was like, oh, this really stinks. Oh, no, no, no. Okay, we've heard enough. Listen, I've heard enough Paris stories to know exactly what's going on. Yeah.

Anyway, it was a lovely episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like at this stage, you could be replaced with AI. I wish, I wish I could be. It'd be a sweet release. That's what happened on the train, isn't it? Um, and then I got off the train and then I went to this meeting and someone said, you want some water? And they brought me a water and I was like,

oh, this water stinks of shit. Okay. All right, Tom, Tom, Tom, I really thought we'd moved on from the story. Tom, please. This is, is there any chance we could go back to recording over Zoom? Yeah, anyway, anyway, guys, anyway, guys. Yeah. We, you get it. You guys, you guys get it. Thanks for, thanks for listing this far everybody. Thanks. And if you enjoyed this stuff, please check out the monkey and the frog podcast.

podcast. Just the monkey podcast these days apparently because of that clip finished but he does a good job on his own. Much like Crosby in the crow's nest. Anyway, thanks for listening to our Bleak Special y'all. The worst bit of that was the yule. You know what? Hopefully when we next record all of our water be Viking lugs, they'll have sent us for free for giving them a good plug. I think we should sort of pivot to the Viking dollar. Yeah, really buy into the Viking aesthetic. Yeah.

All wear the horned helmet, some sort of like sheepskin coming from a different different. Guys, before we move on, it has been mentioned twice that they didn't wear horned helmets. I know. It's historically like that. I knew it. It's historically like that.

He's acting himself. Yes. By the way, I was, I was saying that purely because. Lay in the trap. I was saying that purely because of course you can't do battle in a Viking helmet. It's in a horned helmet. Way too dangerous.

Yeah. Way too dangerous. You'll have someone die out with that. Exactly. And if you're standing next to somebody and they've got a horned helmet. The reason they did it is their head felt 20 pounds heavier than it started to compensate very strong, very. Very skinny necks. Wait.

Hockey? Are we lying? And amazingly, we found the bleakest moment of the episode. Ha ha ha. ["The Hockey Man"] Well, there we go. Delighted to find us good company, weren't we there? Fantastic company. The best company. In fact, if you too were delighted to find us good company, why don't you pop a review in where you can leave your comments. Okay.

I was delighted to find these three good company. Pop a review in where, where you can leave your comments. You can leave your comments. You're not even putting reviews in where you can leave reviews, just comments. I, well, do you, do people leave reviews even these days? Yes, they do. Yes, Tom, of course they do. Crucially, that is, that is how every single business works. Beautiful.

Well, in that case, the words you're looking for are I was delighted to find these guys good company. Yes, stick that in wherever you review your podcasts. Four, four stars? Five. Give us a five, go on. Give us the five, please. Yeah, don't forget to rate and review.

Don't forget to subscribe as well if you're not already a subscriber to the podcast. Become a subscriber today. You won't regret it. And of course, recommend this podcast to all your friends. We're always trying to grow this big old tree we call Pappy's Flat Share. Absolutely right. And let's not forget that tree is on a journey and this is your chance to support your boys on that journey and one of your boys on a journey and this is your chance to support your boys on that journey and one of your boys

on a train journey so please do show your support by spreading the word and giving good cheer okay uh i think that's it isn't it yeah i reckon that's bang on that is it probably has to be i would say okay i would say when when we're asking the listeners for good cheer, then I think, yeah, that's the time to knock the episode on the head. Leave your good cheer wherever people ask you to leave good cheer or in the comments section. Leave your good cheer in the comments, guys. Leave your good cheer in the comments section.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, leave that good cheer in the comments section. Come on, all right. Okay, don't spoil the party. Chill out. Today's episode was. Don't spoil the party. Chill out. Today's episode was produced by Emma Caution. Caution team. Here's everyone.

Bye. Bye. Bye.