Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1525: How to plan your dream dinner party

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

Can you answer this charity shop based quiz? What's EVEN better than a pub in your back garden? Could the boys survive on a desert island?To get episodes early and ad-free - PLUS a bonus episode every week - join our Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareTo watch full episodes of Pappy’s Flatshare find us on YouTube: www.youtube.com/@pappysflatshareAnd follow us onInstagram: instagram.com/pappyscomedyTikTok: www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshareFacebook: www.facebook.com/PappysFlatshare/And X: twitter.com/pappystweet Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear. I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Papi's Flat Share. Welcome one, welcome all. Oh, here we go. Yes, indeed. Off we go. Recording this intro right now. Thank you, Tom. I'm a bit... I'm slightly thrown because this is on the back foot. A peek behind the curtain, we, we, we said we'd start recording at 20 past and I got here at 24 minutes past. And as I was on my way, I sent a text to what I thought was the papi's group to say running late, blame my family. But I put that into a group instead that has got my wife in it and your partners.

It was like the Pappies and Partners group rather than the Pappies group. But can I just say one thing? Yeah, go on, I think Clark you're going to say the same thing. Yeah, I mean it's a group that we've not messaged in for years. I don't know why, I don't know how you even found that group to post in there. Do you want to know the mundane reason? Yeah, go on. Search podcast impresarios, which is the name of our WhatsApp group, PO.

Yeah. And the PO is also the first two letters of this group. Post applaud Zoom lovely. Post applaud Zoom lovely. I think the last time this was used, as you can imagine from the title, was lockdown. Yes. I think it was 20, I think 2022 was when

that was the group was last used. It's great, you know what? The great thing was then Clark and I, you reignited the group for us and Clark and I took a trip down memory lane, looked at some of the old photos that we'd been sharing back in 2022. It really was a simpler time, wasn't it?

Really was. How are your family dealing with the fact that you blame them for being late? Is it their fault? Because it could be, yeah, they could hold their hands up and go, it is their fault. It is their fault, yeah, they know it's their fault as well. I mean, I told them in real life that it was their fault. So that's it. And then you doubled down by texting not just them, but all of their friends.

Also, I just checked your Insta and you've put it out on that as well. I've put it out on main. I've put it out on main. Before we get into the episode, we've got a lovely message in about celebrity photographs. Oh yes. Asking celebs for a selfie. This comes from Al.

Now, Al has had to say, definitely not AI in brackets. The problem if you're called Al, AL written down just looks like AI, doesn't it? So they've had to write their name all in caps and write definitely not AI. But anyway, this is definitely not. His surname is ChatGBT as well. That's right. Really confusing. It's really confusing. The other day on the show, you were talking about celebrity selfies.

And I thought I'd share my story about a non-selfie celeb situation. Back in 2016, I was on holiday with my wife in New York. Very much a pre-kids holiday, as now it feels like we can barely afford a week away camping. Anyway, blame your family, mate. I'll blame his family. I know I blame for that that mate. Stick it on the WhatsApp. One day we went to the Museum of Modern Art and as we were gazing at Andy Warhol's

many Campbell suit cans we clocked that the baseball hat wearing man standing next to us was former Hollywood A-lister Christian Slater. No need for former. No need to do him dirty Al come on. Wow. Christian Slater is still a... Oh, sure, sure. But he's still a big name. You could have said Hollywood star Christian Slater and we would have gone, yeah, I accept that.

Former Hollywood A-lister. I think that's fairly accurate. I've never forgiven the man for introducing us as Puppies Fun Club rather than Puppies Fun Club when he introduced the nominees in Edinburgh. That's very true. I think Puppies Fun Club rather than Pappies Fun Club when he introduced the nominees in Edinburgh. That's very true. I think Puppies Fun Club is a better name. Pop it in the group. That's why you slid down the list.

That was it. I think if he's introducing us onto the stage, he's already slid down the list. Yeah, well that's it. That's what I mean. That's why he's a former A-lister. I think AI's got it absolutely right there. My wife and I both got a bit starstruck but played it cool and remained keenly focused on the super hand. But as we stood there, a woman walked towards Christian with her phone out and said,

Can I have a photo please? Clearly not wanting to disappoint, Christian duly accepted and moved into position for her to stand next to him. To his and our surprise, she clearly had no idea who he was, but thought he had a trusting enough face as she offered him her phone and went to pose with the soup as a backdrop. This seemed to make Christian's day. There was a broad smile beaming across his face as he proceeded to take a couple of snaps. Then as he gave her phone back, he engaged in polite small talk about the paintings, then wandered off into one of the other rooms. Maybe not a current A-lister even then. He's really doubling down on this. He's really going for it. Maybe not a current A-lister even then, but I bet he still knows his way around any phone. Cheers everyone. Bye. Oh, definitely. I love that. I love that. I mean, is it a slay to get a bull these days? Well, if you hear the intro to this, no, no, no, no.

If we send in this episode, have a listen to this, see what you think. Do you want to come on our podcast? It's a podcast where, where people sort of slag off your career. But we also talk up puppies. So you'll love that. I love it. He loves the old Battersea dog. So we had this the other day.

I was, I was out with an extended family. So a big group of us, probably like, you know, 25 of us all having a big picnic in the park. And my wife was taking a photograph of all of us. And a guy came over and said, Oh, would you want me to take the photo? And he took the photo and then went off with his family. Hmm. And it was Neil from the Inbetweeners. Great. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Harrison, Blake Harrison. It was Neil from the in-betweeners. Great. Oh wow. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Blake Harrison. Blake Harrison. It was Neil from the in-betweeners. Yeah. It was Blake Harrison. But I didn't want to say, are you Blake Harrison? You know, or worse still, are you Neil from the in-betweeners?

Uh, but it was, it was a really odd, it was a really odd, it was a really odd thing of like, so hang on because, you know, I don't want to give away trade secrets, but your wife works in the comedy industry. She does? She's a, let's say, a person of influence. And Blake, he's trying to get his toe back in the water. Do you think that's what it is?

I think he has been soft-stalking your partner so that, and for any opportunity to get back into her consciousness. So the next time maybe she's casting something she thinks, do you know what? Do you know who make a great cameraman? He's just been waiting around saying, oh do you want me to reach that for you off that high shelf? There you go. And it's like, oh he's there again. Do you remember that guy?

He was kneeling in between us. He might be good for this postman part. If that guy came up and gave us that photo, but did that really like amazing dance up on the wall. He self-taped. Give me your camera. Hello, so my name's Blake. I'm represented by IAA.

Anyway, there you go, thank you. Do you think that might be what's going on? Could have been, that could have been it. Could have been it. It's on our wall now, that photo. And every time I look at it, the two things I think about are A, it was taken by Neil from The Inbetweeners,

and B, I wish we'd taken out the big kitchen roll that seems to be the main focus of the photo. There's like 30 people in it, but a kitchen roll. It looks like we're all sort of bowing down to a kitchen roll shrine. Why don't you draw a little face on it? A Blake Harrison. Yeah, but a picture of Blake.

Pop it on. We've got a similar photo of my siblings and their partners. And a balloon has positioned itself as like the middle person. So it's like there's a red balloon head, but it's one of the few photos of all of it. Are you sure it's not you? Tom, are you absolutely certain it's not you? It's the only one who's redder than me. It's the only one who's redder than me.

I just feel really upstaged by it. My wife's getting off with it. Why are you always haunted by balloons? He's churping my wife this balloon. It looks like it's the balloons bird, like this balloon head. It's like, oh this weird, the balloons family. They're quite cool, those pictures. Clarkie does make a good point though, you do seem to be, like the balloons seem to follow you around wherever you go. They do. It's because I have my static electricity from my thighs rubbing together. I'm like a human theremin.

If you put your hand near my head, then you'll get the woo. You'll have me twice shame on me Tom, you know that. And your hair will stand on end. You're like a Van de Graaff generator. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a cross between a Van de Graaff generator and a theremin. I confuse the two. Yeah, yeah.

I confuse them like my WhatsApp groups. Hey, this is an introduction we need to get. Yeah, I know it's bad. It's really, it's really bad. Right. Well, this is a, this is a fun episode. We talk about all manner of stuff. Don't worry, none of the topics covered in the intro have been, we're not burning through our topics.

We talk about dream dinner party guests. Oh, I've got, there's a great quiz. There's a great quiz all the way through it. So stick around because if you like to play along at home, then this is the one for you. But also just to say, I think this is the one where I talk about the homemade, I made a program, a homemade program, you'll find out during the app.

I think I'm going to stick it on the Patreon. Are you? Oh, fantastic. So if you want to, if you want to listen to that little bonus episode after you listen to this, then you need to hop over to the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash puppies flat share four pounds a month, you get a bonus episode a week and also a little bonus nuggets like all of our jingles singles. Oh yeah. For the live shows. We should talk about that, by the way, because all of the jingles, the singles are out currently now in one drop box. If you love our jingles from the flat share slam downs, you can get them all from one drop box on

the Patreon. It's well worth it. People are going cock-a-hoop over there. Well, yes, but I recently found out that we can't trouble the charts with Dropbox dance. So I think we've done ourself over there. We can only trouble our listeners with them. Yeah, we're going to have to reassess because if we do want to glance the charts and let's be honest I think we stand a chance then you know I think we need to reassess how we're putting them out but yeah I'll be putting that I'll try I'm gonna dig it out and see if we can upload it to Patreon for the Patreons to have as a treat. So enjoy the episode and we'll see you on the other side. Happy's Flat Share Talking about whatever Happy's Flat Share Have we been doing this forever?

But we don't really live together Happy's Flat Share Yeah! So I've got a game for you guys to start things off I've got a game for you, see if you can work out Now I've got a friend who volunteers in charity shops, right? Oxfam. Okay. And was that your, what's your beef with charity shops? Oh, no, no. I just make you feel bad.

Oh, I see. Sorry. I was like, oh, sorry. I tell you what, I've also got a, I've also got a friend who's an arms dealer for balance. Yeah. That's more ass feed. Do you feel, if you hear about, do you feel a sort of pang of guilt if you hear about other people doing good things? This guy gave blood the other day. Don't need that. Don't need that coming to my tray. It's like, Oh, I gave blood. It's like, Oh, I got it.

I didn't give it to you. Here you go. A little present for you, Barry. I can't get a nose bead on every time the other day. That was, you know, I'm like, Oh, I'm going to get a nose bead on every time the other day. That was, you know, I'm going to get a nose bead on every time the other day. That was, you know, I'm going to get a nose bead on every time the other day. That was, you know, I'm going to get a nose bead on every time the other day. That was, you know, I'm blood. It's like, oh, I can't. I didn't give it to you. There you go. A little present for you, Barry. Yeah. I can't get a nose bead on it, but it's on the other day. So if you hear that somebody else is giving blood,

you think, get over yourself. I tell you what, this is actually more motivation. This is the motivation I needed to do more good things. If I know to give more blood. Get another pint. We're going to see Clarky. He's like pale as a sheet of paper and just like, there's nothing in him. Just like, you know, those guys that get addicted to, they get addicted to giving sperm and

the f***. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I think everyone's got that addiction. No, no. It's just where you put it, which tray you put again. There are these dudes that are like, you can't brief at all. You can't do them both at the same time. Sorry, Clark. It's how I like it. Why? Little Sighter.

Why? What do you mean addicted to it? Well, some, some, some lads get carried away. But they become out of the room in 10 minutes. They've become addicted to sperm banking and have sired too many children. It's threatening. They've gone rogue. They've broken laws. Like, you know, the way that they say it, everyone in the world is from Genghis Khan?

Yeah. What's the word I'm looking for? Syed. It's not Syed. There's a really obvious word that's not in my head right now, but yeah. Everyone is in some way related to Genghis Khan, right? You're saying that there are people... There's like three or four, no.

There's like documentary on them all. There was like a story about it recently where they've been illegally doing it and they've now sired too many children in an area and it's awful. Wait, how do you illegally do it? And then, well, because you're not supposed to. They say you're only supposed to do this so many times. So they're either doing it under fake identities or they're moving from area to area to kind of get through loopholes. There's too many, they've like sired like, you know, 500 kids off of me.

Can we talk about just, it's kind of apropos, but last night, Clarky, this was amazing. We had Natalie Cassidy on the podcast last night and she hadn't met any of us before. It was really, it was really fun to, really fun to meet her. And in the process of meeting her, she was going around shaking everybody's hand, and being really wonderful, just a really, a real joy. You know, you can tell she's pressed the flesh before. This is what she's done. She, in the interim, Tom, you sort of changed positions in the group and put on a hat. And she came over and went, hey, pleased to meet you.

And I met her again. And I had to say, oh yeah, you just met Tom for four seconds ago, but he's now put on a hat and she came over and went, Hey, pleased to meet you. And I met her again. And I had to say, Oh yeah, you just met Tom for four seconds ago, but he's now put on a hat. I didn't want to correct her. No. Hi, I'm Tom popped round. Didn't think about it, but ended up popping round, put on a hat and he was just in my position.

And she came down and went, hello. And then I said, hi, Tom. She must have thought they might have thought they were twins. Oh, they're called Tom. That's confusing. Well, that's the gist is they are, you know, popping on hats. They're popping on a hat. They're popping on a funny voice. They're doing, you know. I was going to say, do you have to go into the clinic?

Of course you've got to go in. You can't work from home. You can't post it. You can't do over Zoom, Clarky. I know you've been trying, but you can't. It's one of those jobs that's kind of, it's kind of, post it. You can't do it over zoom, Clarky. I know you've been trying, but you can't. That's one of those jobs that's kind of, it's sort of recession proof, isn't it? If you're working a sperm clinic, there's no way you can, you know, it can't be digitised. Right. Yeah.

I'd call them like this. I guess you'd be the super donors is what they are. And then what they've done is they've done pretty short of what they are. And then what they've done is they, I'm pretty sure this is what's happened. Me, what I've done. It's like they'll go to Africa where they're welcomed as like, okay, here we go. It's a super donut. And then they'll go nuts and they'll, they'll see. Can I just ask, what do you mean they'll go to Africa and they'll be welcomed as what? Somebody who can jizz? Yeah, I think that's pretty much a skill that a lot of people have. Oh, yeah

I know but not everybody's going to sperm clinics to jizz and these guys are like that's what they're all about Carry on siren kids because they've been kicked out of Sweden. It's like it's like they're a beer It's like they've got a thing where it's like, I'm going to make a race of people. Right. Do you think there is an element of like a megalomaniacal aspect? Absolutely, yeah. They want most of the world to be related to them. Yeah, Genghis Khan.

Right. They're probably related to Genghis Khan and this is how it's manifesting itself. He appears to them as a ghost and says, keep my legacy alive. Yeah. But there's a few of them and it turns out they're like, it's their thing. It's having kids, but not actually. I mean, I can see the appeal of going like, I've passed, like we're monkeys, aren't we?

We're supposed to pass on our jeeps. We're apes actually, Tom. In the, I can see the appeal of throwing my shit at the wall. Yeah. Like deep down we have monkey brains where all we're supposed to do is pass on our genes. And this allows you to do that without actually having to stay up late. Without the hassle of having to raise a child. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The bad bit. So you can see why some people are like, oh yeah, yeah, here we go. And like they've just let their monkey brain take over. You've got to have a lot of confidence personally. I'd be like, no, I don't think it's good for the world. I thought you meant you have to do it in front of them as well. You know, you're in the waiting room, they give you a private room. I wonder why I was getting all those looks. Also, you're supposed to be giving blood, mate.

What are you doing? This isn't a drive-through sperm bank. Oh, sorry. How else do I pay for this, Matt Donalds? But anyway, that's something that's in there. That's something that's out there, isn't it? If it was in there, we wouldn't have this problem. And people don't know, ultimately, they don't know what's going on,

because these people are gaming the system, because they're mad for it. Do you get paid? Or is it just purely... I think you do get paid, yeah. Hold on. Hold on a minute. But I don't think... Well, I think some of them are obviously financially motivated, but I think the majority of these people are...

They just think they're so great. I think some of them are obviously financially motivated, but I think the majority of these people are, it's the thrill of the- They just think they're so great. It's the thrill of like the amount of- The power. Yeah, yeah. Oof. So I'm saying it's an option. It's an option.

Wait, that wasn't, that was the purpose of the story. I don't know. What? I can't remember. I'm just saying. It's just- You know, if podcasting doesn't work out. So yeah, anyway.

But I don't know why I got down that route. We were talking about giving blood, doing good things. Doing good things makes you feel bad. That's right, yeah. Whereas these guys make you feel good. Well, you know, if someone comes, if I'm at a dinner party and I'm sat next to that dude, then he's like,

I've sired 300 kids and I shouldn't have. I'm like, well at least I'm not that dude. Right? I'm like, I better go and wash my hands. I'm going home with a spring, you must have. I met that guy twice. He was wearing a hat. You've sired 300 kids, so's this guy. He's been Mrs. Dave firing me all evening. My point is, I'm sat next to that guy. I'm going home going, yeah, I feel I'm pretty good actually. I'm doing good stuff. I pay my taxes. I recycle. I haven't signed 300 kids.

Yeah. And mine goes into a tissue and into the loo. I pay my taxes, I recycle, I haven't sired 300 kids. And mine goes into a tissue and into the loo. Exactly right. Whereas I'm sat next to, what do you do on Saturdays? I watch the football results come in and look after my kids and it's like, what do you do? I go down to Oxford and work in the shop. Come on mate. I'm struggling aren't I for the rest of the evening there? I will sometimes, I give clothes occasionally. That's not good.

But they're not doing it. I've sired 300 clothes. They're not doing it to make you... I've jizzed in. I have a rule. Once I've jizzed in them, they go in the clothes bank. That's going in the clothes bank! Even like, oh when did you last give blood? You're like, oh ages ago actually.

And I know I should, but I haven't. See, look how good it's making you feel now. Look at that face. You must feel terrible. See? I've never given blood and I'm fine with that. Okay. Yeah. I've given blood to over 300 kids. Passing it through the railings of the playground. I mean, there might be something in there, you know, of going, is there something similar about, do you get a thrill from knowing people

have your blood in their body? Do you walk around going, yeah, you've got a bit of, you know, the Clarky good stuff in you. Oh, I should say I've given 300 heart transplants. So I do feel good. Amateur though. You'll just swap it out your own every time. It's a real lottery. Honestly, that Iron Man is not a documentary. Yeah. Do you, do you think you go around thinking, I bet they've got my blood. No. Do you think you need a bit of confidence to be like, my blood's all right?

Do you ever see like a crash and go up to them and go, don't worry mate. As soon as they get you to the hospital, there's plenty of it. Call an ambulance. I've got some good stuff on ice for you. Don't worry about it. I'll hook you up. You'll probably be a bit tipsy when you get it. I'll cheer you right up. What can't you have if you're going to get... So you can't be, obviously you can't be pissed, can you? When you go in. No one's told me that actually. Did they say like you can't if you've got a cold or if you're, you know, big things like you can't be an intravenous drug user?

Yeah, there's a form, like, you know, if things that you can't be introduced. Yeah, there's, there's, there's, there's a form, uh, like, you know, if you've taken particular medication, if you've had a piercing, if you'd had a tattoo, if you've had a pierce, if you've had a pierce, I don't do it. Never have, never will. I refuse to. Well, I only do it when I donate it. You need a piss transfusion. If you need a piss transfusion, you're lad. It's like the sort of thing that Keith Richards would have had done in the 70s. A complete change of piss. Well, you can do that, can't you? You can donate piss to people who want to cheat.

It's not called donating. It's not even going to like some sort of NHS depository or something. I'm sure on the dark web, you can flog clean piss. And, you know, I was sat next to someone in a dinner party who does that. Better wash my hands again. I felt good about myself, you know? So, well, what do you do? You vlog clean piss on the dark web. Well, I'm a podcaster, so I can walk home good to that. Yeah. I still think you might be worse off than that scenario. I mean, this is kind of internet piss, isn't it? What we're doing here.

Half an hour of it every single week. Yeah. So, you know, I think it could be worse is what I'm saying. Yeah, it could be worse this thing. I've pretty much made up. You kind of I just think you gravitate towards people who are going to make you feel all right about your own actions. So it's like if you're if you around someone who's like, you know, doing a bit too much, being too...

You think volunteering at Oxfam is doing a bit too much? It's a slippery slope, isn't it? It's a gateway act. They'll be clearing landmines next and what will you get to talk about? Do you know what I mean? Being in the park. Hey, listen, if you've been to that park, do you see a landmine?

No, you don't. You're very welcome. Every day you're out there sweeping. Still none. If there was one, I'd sweep it, yeah. But you know, I just feel like if someone's going too hard down that route, then you gotta cut them off.

I'll tell this to my friends. I feel like when people do like their dream dinner party, yours is just going to be with like the worst people. Genghis Khan, number one. Genghis Khan and his sons. Well, no, obviously not. You don't want to go too bad, but you also don't want to go too good either.

You want fairly boring average company, I think, my dream dinner party. Mate, thank you so much. Because you don't want to be out dazzled. I think that's a mistake everyone makes with these dream dinner parties. Mate, I often think that when people are like, oh yeah, I'd have this person, this person, this person. You go Billy Connolly, Stephen Fry, you go,

you're going to get a William Edge raise, mate. Yeah. What are you going to tell them about? The gym. But do you know what? Well, definitely not that. Do you know the best bit though for me, if you hosted a dinner party, tell them about the gym. Definitely not. Do you know the best bit though, for me, if you hosted a dinner party, I like, what I like about hosting a dinner party is you don't really have to be there. You're always running back to the kitchen. I'll get some stuff.

I'll be furnishing the drinks. You basically like you're playing waiter for the night, but you've get the set in the many ways that that's doing a good thing. Isn't it? Cause you're hosting, or, you know, everyone, or if I'm made sure that drinks were filled and I don't want to sit down and chat to people. No, no, no, I've got a loophole there. You know Fred from First Dates? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The French guy. Yeah, yeah, I know him, yeah. You put him in the list and then he does it all for you. You go, you're on my dream dinner party, guys. You can't be inviting him round your house and having him concierge. His instinct kicks in. Your dream dinner party. You've got Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen.

Manuel from Forty Towers. It's basically a dinner for one for you, isn't it? And I'll be in my bedroom donating. I'm feeling good about myself. I think people do. You make too much of a mistake, but you want to make sure that you're also going to have a good time at your dinner party. You can't just be a spectator. So I do think you've got to, you know, you've got to be careful.

Who do you think? It can't feel like an episode of QI. So Fry is just an anxiety dream. Why is Fry always there? Fry's always there with a bullet. Why are you watching QI, by the way? Dave Javu? Yeah. Host for about 10 years. Yeah, but he's still always on, isn't he? So you go, you know, Fry, Fry's got to be off the list.

Like you should ban Fry. You know, like Desert Island Discs, you're not allowed the Bible. No, you get the Bible. Oh. You get the Bible in Shakespeare, but you have to come up with another one, don't you? So you're not allowed to give that as the answer. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're already getting Stephen Fry and the Reverend Richard Coles. You're getting those two already on your desert island. Who's your third guest? Yeah, but I would go the other way and say, you're not allowed them. So you're not allowed. This is your new format where you say you're not allowed any records. What are you doing on this island? It's just desert island. It's desert island, yeah.

The discs is the bit that's been holding the format back. I think there's a point in that, in that you end up talking about music in your own life so much that we never get to the brass tacks of how are you going to eat? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like... How are you going to survive on this desert island? Yeah. Like once Bear Grylls gets into that hosting seat, it's a different show, isn't it? Oh, we're back into donating piss here. I'm a big fan of Lauren Laverne, but she never drills down into the brass tacks of things.

Whereas Bear Grylls is going to be like, where's your fresh water coming from? Yeah. And it's like, well, my first song is Let It Be by the Beatles. And it's like, that's great, mate, but where's shelter? It's fucking roasting out there and you've got fucking sunburn. Yeah. What's your fresh water source? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Can you kill anything? Have you ever skinned an animal alive? First question. Welcome to the show. Icebreaker. Have you ever skinned an animal alive? It's gotta be delivered in that weird staccato. Have you ever skinned an animal alive? Every great, every great light entertainer has to have a catchphrase.

With Brucie, it was of course nice to see you, to see you nice. With Tom Parry, it's have over skinned and Hannibal alive. It's like Bear Grylls has Hannibal Lecter. Great, great Hannibal Lecter. Great Bear Grylls, yeah. So, you know, I do feel like that might be a better show. I mean, yeah, I think you might be right, actually. You could take the desert island element out of it and just call it Discs, really.

Yeah. That's what they're actually about. I'm not interested in like, you know, the eight songs that Phil Tufnall likes. What I want to know is... Have you ever skinned an animal alive? So, did I ever tell you that in lockdown I... Oh no. Anyway, it's been a great episode.

Thanks for listening, everybody. Did I ever tell you that in lockdown I... Oh no. Anyway, it's been a great episode. Thanks for listening everybody. And don't forget to join the Patreon at patreon.com forward slash bramishflasher. I think we've done our time. You've been watching Cruella de Vil Podd. The mad thing was Tom Skindham and Animal Alive during that first daily briefing. Chris Whitty stepped out and said there is going to be some slight measure and he was like right okay get the cat. Turns out it was wash your hands. I didn't know he was going to say wash your hands.

I thought he was going to say can you skin an animal alive. It was going to be hands, face, gutter pig. Crucially alive. Gut a pig. Crucially alive. Alive. Gut a pig alive. During the pandemic, now remember, like all things happen during the pandemic, we don't count it. What did you do?

What did you do? What? While the applause was going so no one could hear it. Who's blood did you donate to Satan? A group of my friends on WhatsApp. We had a thing going around. By the way, this gets worse and worse, doesn't it? Anyway, I sired 500 kids in lockdown,

long story short. No, no, in lockdown, there was a chat going round about, right, we've got a bit of time now, we're all at home, can you come up with your desert island discs and why? Oh, great. Yeah. So what I did is I... Thank God. Yeah. No, no, it's not. It's not. But it was just, speaking of getting an animal alive, I did something in lockdown. But yeah.

I edited. I spent a long time over one week. I took loads of Desert Island Discs, particularly ones where they interviewed someone called Tom or someone who was from comedy or a writer. And I edited loads of Lauren Laverne's. Long story short, I have cut together my own Desert Island Discs. This is wild. Where Lauren Laverne interviews me. Well like I say, join the Patreon guys because there's not going to be a bonus episode this week, but you are going to get Tom's Desert Island Discs.

That's wild. It's on my computer, yeah. And it's like, it's an edited together. It's like 40 minutes long or whatever. And it's a Desert Island Discs. And I've edited it all together. That's amazing. We used to play that as like a game.

My mum would interview us as kids and get us to pick our songs and do it. We would record that. So it's like all spliced up. Spliced up. Ask me questions and stuff. So I've got my own desert on a disc episode. Do you know what? This is where Tom, you can feel better than everybody else. Because you know all of that people, they were saying like, oh, King Lear was written this amount of time. And all of this kind of stuff you know, they were saying like, Oh, King Lear was written in this amount of time and every, you know, like all of

this kind of stuff, those memes were going around. So you've got this, you've got this time. And then the sort of counter memes were going around going, listen, if you don't do anything, that's also fine. But everyone was feeling really guilty. They hadn't written their screenplay. You, you, you know, this is the passion project that your busy schedule had been holding you back from achieving, which was edit your own episode.

It's at that point where you realize you're not going to get there yourself. Yeah. You have to bite the bullet with that, you know. Have you got any more projects in the offing? Well, very much so. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Because there was definitely a time when you were growing up where everyone, I think our age, really anticipated that at some point in their life,

they were going to be on Who Wants To Be a Billionaire. It's a good call, yeah, absolutely. And you kind of fancied your chances to get to £32,000. Yes. Yeah. Comfortably, I think. Yeah, okay, I accept that. Everyone's got in their head £32,000.

Yeah. Those guys who sire 500 kids, they fancy themselves to get to 500,000. But then they're very much the sort of coughing major. Well, when it comes to phone a friend, they've got a lot of people they can choose from. They're all wearing different hats. Can I phone a son or a daughter? Yes. They've got every topic covered.

You have to keep this short, but I'm your dad by the way. Anyway, no, no, no. So, um, so yeah. So, you know, you kind of go, I think as well with lifeline management, everyone, you kind of think 64,000. Everybody goes, everybody goes to 32, I think in their heads, but I think the ego in everyone, deep down you think with lifeline management, I'm getting to 64,000.

I mean, that's the problem, that's the beauty of the format. You're always like, now I'm here, surely I could just. I'll ride my luck, all that stuff. Basically, there was a realization recently where I thought, oh, I'm not gonna be on it. Who wants to be in there? I can't move. You know?

Yeah. So like, that's a bigger editing job. Can I ask? Yeah. But that's the next one for you. That's for the next pandemic. With Taron, I want Taron there, yeah. Yeah, of course, Taron.

Well, you're definitely not gonna be on it with Taron. See, it's the same way you're going to be on QI with Stephen Fry. No. Tarrant, for example. Yeah. If you shop out Stephen Fry for Chris Tarrant at your dinner party, immediately I'm more relaxed. That's true. Tarrant's great.

Tarrant's going to be great. He's got some stories. He's got stories, but you're not going to feel intimidated or out of your depth with Tarrant. I don't know why people want Fry there so much. Yeah. Like thick people say to me, I want Fry there. And it's like, come on mate, I saw you that in confidence. You're like, the fuck are you going to do with Stephen Fry's company?

Have a selfie and then that's it, isn't it? That's not the game. Do you know what I mean? But isn't Fry, aren't sort of truly intelligent people, isn't their skill that they're able to go into any room and immediately relax everyone around them? That's a sign of true intelligence. It's not going in and reading off a load of facts at somebody. Yeah, but that's what Fry does.

Yeah, that's true. As that sense was coming out, I was thinking, well, I don't know if that's ever been the case. Tarrant, Tarrant's whip smart. He's a man of the people. But he's going to be chatting to you about United and their lack of form. It's like, he's not going to talk to you about fucking.

Suddenly I'm intimidated, I'm starting to sweat. Tarrant, I feel like he'll be talking to you about Bromley or, you know, I don't know. Bromley United. I always think of the same Chris Tarrant, right? The footballer, yeah. No, Tarrant's going to come in and chat about eggs or some shit with you. Or come on your t-shirts, I said it.

Or the radio, the thing that we both do. Oh, there you go. In literally the same building. Yeah, there you go. Exactly, it'll be like, oh, you're on the radio as well. Oh, yeah, that's good. Good chat. Good luck.. It'll be like, oh, you're on the radio as well. Oh, yeah. Good chat. Good luck. Maybe it'll lead to something. And what about United this season?

That's the eggs. That's like, Tarrant's fine. Fry. Come on, mate. You know, just dial it down. Yeah. Fry with frying egg though, wouldn't they? Yeah. Why is someone so keen to have fry there?

Hugh Laurie? Sideline? Just as good? True. Hugh Laurie never gets, where actually you think there's a man with some tales to tell. Yeah. And it must bug the shit out of Hugh Laurie. Every time he's in the- He was on the biggest show in the world. House was the biggest show in the world and people were still saying, oh, you know, I'm not inviting House around my house, I'm inviting his mate. Yeah, exactly. Wild. Oscar Wilde, he's next to Fry.

Yeah, but anywho, I'm just saying, Taran over Fry, I've got that as my answer now, I think. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, final answer. Yeah, final answer. D, Chris Taron. I'd like to phone a friend. Unfortunately, that friend is Stephen Fry. You know, like some people build like games rooms in their house.

Yeah, yeah. During the pandemic. Yeah, exactly. I once looked around a house in Crystal Palace. One that I could never afford, but it was fun to look around. And they converted their loft into a spaceship for their kids. I saw that on Right Mood.

Yeah, I saw that. I know where that is as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think if I had the time and the kind of wherewithal, I would like to convert my garage into the set of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Oh my god. Like Rupert Pupkin in King of Comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then like after a few beers, you know, you're doing a party or whatever and you'd be like, oh great, we've had a few beers, should we go and do Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? And people would be like, oh my fucking god. I'm leaving. Well obviously Tarrant would. Hey, Chris Tarrant. It's a busker's holiday for Tarrant. You know what else Tarrant came out?

Chris Tarrant, who I've kidnapped, by the way. He's a great conversationalist. He comes to, you know, like he's like all woozy, like the girl with the dragon tattoo and you're there. And he's trapped into a chair. And it's life or death, he wants to be a millionaire. No, it's not that. He's had a few beers at the pub and it's like, come back to mine. Let's do an hour if he wants to be a millionaire.

There are comedians, we know comedians, John Richardson and Mike Bubbins, who have built a pub in their back garden. They've got a pub in their house because they love the pub so much. You're taking it that one step further and that you're doing an immersive experience. Of who wants to be a millionaire. Who's going to say no to that? A few jars. Do you want to come and do it if you want to be a millionaire?

Let's do a couple of games. It A few jars. Do you want to come and do it? Who wants to be a millionaire? Let's do a couple of games. It would be brilliant. It'd be fucking brilliant. I want to shoot it down, but I do actually love it. It's a great idea. But I will say this. You got that from someone who had done this big project for their children.

By the way. And you're like in Tom's true philanthropic style. I want to do it for me. I'm going to take a whole room in my house just for me. That wasn't for their children. That was, it was like a recreation of like the enterprise, wasn't it? It's not for your kids. Yeah. And like, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not kicking the nursery out for who wants to be in me. I'm not saying like, sorry kids, you can't have this room anymore. In this world, I've got space for a games

room or something like that. You know? Just saying you could do a lot worse. But Tom, in your imaginary world, why don't you imagine you're able to go on who wants to be a millionaire? Why is your fantasy world still not being able to achieve your dream? I think that's all part of growing older, isn't it? It's readjusting your fantasies. And also the reality of going on who wants to be a millionaire is stark. Stressful. Yeah. Stressful. Like under the lights, man. be a millionaire? It's stark. Stressful. Yeah. Like under the lights, man.

Yeah. It's on television. I have a real like recurring fear of pointless, of like how I would actually fare. Oh yeah. In pointless. Nothing worse. Because you don't get a lot of chances on pointless, do you?

You would be so exposed to being fucking thick actually. Yeah. I'm starting to really have to kind of come to terms with the fact that I'm pretty thick. Yeah, it is tough that. I thought I'm not that thick. I've always thought I'm not that thick and I am thick. Yeah, yeah. Well, I always thought I was quite thick, but I was like, at some point I won't be. And then you're like, oh, actually, when you went through, you went through a big stage,

like learning flags, for example, like to try and defy your thickness. Yeah. Yeah. It's like King Canute holding back the tide. Isn't it? Canute is King Canute. By the way, if you've ever seen me in cycling shorts, you can't defy my thickness. And you can't hold back that tight.

No way, no way you can hold back that tight. By the way, join my OnlyFans. On his way to the sperm bank again. He's in a rush. He looks like he's loaded for bear. He's bursting at the seams. like he's loaded for bear. But yeah, have you got, have you got desert island discs? Do you do that to yourself? I wouldn't do that to myself.

You do not think this is where I'm going to go. My problem is it would probably be the exact same songs I picked when I played the game with my parents. Yeah. You know, like, we also on the bus. Yeah. Some classics. Zoo, zoo we also on the bus. Yeah. Some classics. Zoo, zoo, zoo. You can come too. Go to the zoo and skin an animal alive.

Anyway, long story short, my friend works for Oxfam. Sorry to hear that by the way. Terrible shame. Sorry to hear that. It's all right. It's really tough. You know, I feel bad for making you feel bad so early in the podcast. That was a bad start. Well, what's the game?

Can we do it in the style of who wants to be a millionaire? We could just close off with you going, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-ga-do-ga-do-ng, my friend works for Oxfam. Did they A, sell a jumper to Sting? B. Yeah, no, I don't think, I think the, I think the answer would stand out like a sore thumb, but I'll ask you the question, right? I'm not going to give you the answer. In Oxfam's up and down the country, there have been a spate of daytime. You're good by the way. Thanks very much. I should post a picture now of daytime. You're good by the way.

Thanks very much. I can paste a picture now. Yeah. You should be on the radio like Chris Tarrant is. Sorry. So yeah. Up and down the country, there have been a spate of both daytime and nighttime robberies in Oxfam stores.

That makes me feel better about myself. Cause I'm not doing that. Carry on. That's exactly what I'm saying. I've tried this in the honey traps works. It's taken us a while to get there, but he's sweating. Honestly, I tell you what, for someone committing a robbery left alone of DNA. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I thought I was at the bank. OK, so either people rushing into the store, taking this, running out, or nighttime smashing

in the windows, taking this, leaving. From Oxfam. From Oxfam. What are they nicking? Oh. What are they nicking? Find out after the break. We're back.

We've got Ben and Tom on 32,000 pounds, but they've used all their lifelines. This is the problem. If Tom went on, who wants to be a millionaire? He's not hosting it. Sorry, I can't. I want a few at the pub. We're back in the room.

It's my house. What do you think they're nicking? OK. Go on. Well, I've got, I've got an idea. Okay. Is it the charity cards where it's like you donate like a... It's not. Is it some, is it going to be like... I don't know what I'm going about.

It's good you're invested, you're investing the game. It's all awful. People are nicking from charity shops. Is it going to be like, um, I don't know what I'm going about. It's good. You're invested. You're investing the game. It's all awful. People are nicking from charity shops. Is it copper piping? It's not copper piping because that's really hard to do to rush into the store, grab it and run out with it. I would say that's, that's, that's a more sophisticated job to nick all their copper pipe.

We don't, we know it's not DVDs cause they've stopped accepting them. Absolutely right. DVDs because they've stopped accepting them. Absolutely right, it's not DVDs. What are they nicking out of the Oxfam stores, the length and breadth of this fair isle? Really, it's happening all over the country, the same phenomenon. All over the country, yeah. It's terrible, isn't it? It's terrible.

Well, we don't know what they're nicking yet. No, I can tell you now, spoiler alert, it's still terrible. Oh, right. Is it shoes? No. I feel like it's gotta be something that wasn't worth something it is now. Do you know what I mean? So people have given it away,

thinking it's kind of worth the special. Fabergé eggs. Final answer, we lock it in. We lock it in. Giving away all your worthless Fabergé eggs. And now. For 32,000. Come on, come on, mate.

You said Fabergé X. You've used all three lifelines. Three of our children. It's my house. It is now a quarter to midnight. Stephen Fry's got home. We can relax. God.

Hugh Laurie's arrived. Phew. No, you. I can reveal that Faber J eggs is incorrect. Oh. It's Tony's Chocolonely. It's the Tony's Chocolonely. They're just going in there, whoop, whipping away the whole box of Tony Chocolonely. Oh. Yeah.

People are giving their second hand Tony Chocolonely. No Tom, of course they're not. Oh, I am thick. I thought, I thought, I thought there was a penny dangling there. I thought he's, he hasn't got this. I'll tell you what else is thick. Tony's just got it. It's good. It is good. It's good. It's break a window. Good. Let's get it down the high street guys. The right. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I think we can consider that listened to. Absolutely. And thank you very much for joining us on that journey. Thanks very much for any if

you'd love course, if you'd like to support your boys on their journey, patreon.com forward slash Pappy's flat share. Yeah. We're also going to be at the latitude festival. If you're going to be around this weekend, we're going to be at latitude. So we would love to see you there. 6.25 on stage on the Saturday night at the listening post. So come watch us and go and watch fat boy slim.

Oh my God. I got the giggles so hard the other day at the thought of us watching fat boy slim. I'm so excited. Oh my God, I got the giggles so hard the other day at the thought of us watching Fatboy Slim. I'm so excited about it. I was like, I was listening to the Latitude playlist to see what takes my fancy on the smaller stages. And then the Rockefeller skank came on and I like burst out laughing

and the person on the train like looked at me. Like, looked like I was listening to a comedy podcast and then, but it was just the thought of, of really going for it at Fatboy Slim at Latitude. It's going to be so much fun. Yeah. Oh my god. I really am excited about it. And the show as well, Tom?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. We are selling the idea of people coming to see us at Latitude, just for the moment. But seeing us will only improve your experience of Fatboy Slim because I can't imagine I'll be talking about anything else. Well, bear in mind you'll have seen Sting the night before so I feel there's going to be quite a lot of...

Well, that's what I'm going to be talking about obviously, sir. You're going to catch us in our sweetest spot. You're gonna have, you're gonna have Clarky Post Sting, Parry Pre Fatboy Slim, and Crosby... And Crosby Pre driving home. He knows he's about to leave. Crosby looking at his watch going, oh yeah, actually this is, this is good that he's running along because I can beat the traffic. Come and join us for our fastest ever record.

I'm gonna do it from my Corsa. Just going to drive. I've asked you because you can get, you can drive up to the edge of the stage. I've asked, can you drive? I'll drive up to the edge of the stage. Just lean out, do five minutes, lean back in, drive home. Well, that's what they're saying about Liam at the end of these Oasis gigs, is he comes off stage directly into a car and just leaves. Why not?

Wow. So I think we can recreate that. Absolutely. It is a car and just leaves. Why not? Wow. Why not? I think we can recreate that. Absolutely. That attitude. It is a coarser as well. The car is driving towards Fatboy Slim though, Rob. Me and Clark, you're getting mobility scooters

at Fatboy Slim. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. With your t-shirt say, you know, I'm number one baby or whatever it is. Ha ha ha. Yeah, yeah.

Ha ha ha. So why should I have that? Oh my God. Yes, please. You've or whatever it is. Oh my god, yes please. You've got to do it. Oh my god. You've got to do it. There they go, the fat boys and Slim. Well we've recorded a whole extra episode for people here. Should we let them get about their day?

Yes, absolutely right. Today's episode was produced by my Corsham Corsham team. Cheers everyone, bye! So your mum and dad were quite young parents, weren't they? What was family life like? Growing up on the mean streets of Wolverhampton, you know, it was pretty tough. I mean, sure, daddy was a deputy head, went on to be a head, mum was very loving, full-time mom, you know, who gave us all the love and affection we ever needed, but I was, you know, the second of four kids and that can be pretty tough, you know. You do have two younger brothers. Tim and Ed. JJB and Ami. And how would you describe

yourself when you were little? What were you like? What did you like doing?