Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1532: How to unleash your inner uncle

Episode Date: September 9, 2025

What’s Matthew’s tip for getting into the coolest clubs in Europe? What’s Tom’s philosophy on washing your clothes? And have the guys stumbled upon the newest wellness craze?PAPPY'S FLATSHARE SLAMDOWN, is back at the Phoenix Pub for TWO Flatslams on September 22nd and 23rd 2025!WITH SPECIAL GUESTS...MONDAY SEPTEMBER 22ND: ERIKA EHLER + ANDREW MAXWELLTUESDAY SEPTEMBER 23RD: DAN TIERNAN + KATIE NORRISPappy’s Flatshare Slamdown is the hilarious and anarchic panel game hosted by award-winning sketch heroes Pappy’s and featuring great guests from the world of comedy.You can buy tickets for either show or buy ONE DISCOUNTED TICKET THAT GETS YOU INTO BOTH SHOWS! Tickets are £11 (£19 for both) but you can get discounted tickets by joining our Patreon today!Follow us on:YouTube: youtube.com/@pappysflatshareInstagram: instagram.com/pappyscomedy/TikTok: tiktok.com/@pappysflatshareFacebook: facebook.com/PappysFlatshare/And X: twitter.com/pappystweet Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. And I am both Ben and Matthew, welcome to a very exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share. Yes, that's right. We're back. Now, don't worry, Ben, we'll be joining us for the body of the work. But he couldn't make the epilogue or prologue. It's like that. And what a body of work it is. In fact, actually, talking of a body of work, Before we get into the episode, I've got to read you this message we received from our dear friend Candid Cain Photography. Okay. Who is a Patreon member.

Yes. And if you're looking for a wedding photographer, you can do far worse than going to Candid Cain Photography. Clarkie, is you listening? Clarkie, it's got to be just around the corner. You're going to need some photos. You can't just all do it on our phones. So this is a Pappy's ad, he says. It's Pappy's ad.

I recently posted on the Ellis and John Facebook group trying to get a few more people that listen to white middle class men to listen to more white middle class men and Emma but mostly the comments came from people who already listen and Emma instead to help my boys on their podcast journey I've put together an audio ad of just a few highlights over the years I can imagine it yeah this is amazing I can imagine it now being played before in our time or the infinite monkey cage

enticing millions of ear canals in your direction. Oh, bye. So, do you want to hear it? Yeah, I do. It's absolutely wild. Now, gosh. It's a load of sort of out of context bits of the show. Cool.

I have got zero memory of any of them. Let's see what kind of percentage you're on. Okay. Drilling a hole in the Berlin Wall and absolutely sticking your knob through it. Yeah, go on. If you're there milking the duck and then the duck fucking sticks it. head up your ass or something. Funder blunder, you know?

You know what? Maybe shove a toeblower up your butt. A tap darts and cat that can fuck up your flat? Yeah. The cat that says I can bury my beans. Fuck you to the rest off the country. I guess it depends on the vegetable.

Wrong party, right past it. With a nutcracker penis and I'm not afraid to shout it. Too right. Ram. You are the Crystal Palace power of Christianity. Yes, exactly. I'm tall,

I'm glistening, I've got piles. You telling me, this sausage doesn't look like the Archangel Gabriel? What about a Christmas pudding on a stair lift? Egg, Craig. This egg looks like Mother Teresa. There's no surprise to a badger jumping out of a bush and fucking your eye.

Wait, Clarkie, anything to add? Hi, guys. Wow. There you go. Yeah. How did you feel about that? Gosh, wow. You know, they say that at the end of your life, your life flashes before your eyes.

I don't think I want it to anymore. I just, I don't want to be reminded about things like that. I just want to be gone. Yeah, that's fair enough, fair enough. Because those are the 10 most significant moments of your life as well. That's the summation of our output. And it's pretty alarming, actually. pretty alarming stuff. It's pretty confronting, isn't it?

So, folks, that is exactly what you're about to enjoy. Thank you very much to Candid Cain Photography, of course. That's Candid and Kane with A.K. And as we hurtling to water, we've got a bunch of live recordings coming up. We are in London's Glittering West End at the Phoenix Pub on the 22nd and 23rd

of September. Tickets are available right now. And I can exclusively reveal the guests for those episodes. Oh, what? This is an exclusive for me as well. I'm very excited. Yeah, it's an exclusive for you. Well, I can tell you, I can reveal three of the four guests,

because three of the four guests have been booked. Tom. Ben, yeah, yes, that's right. Matthew. Yeah, now I think about it. Actually, yeah, that's the only three people are booked. Which, you know what? It's not always a guarantee.

It's not always a given. But on the 22nd, we have Andrew Maxwell. Oh, I tell you what, by the time this goes out, I reckon I'll have put the other guest. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to say, Andrew Maxwell and, and then we'll just drop in the other name, okay? All right. So on the 22nd, you will be enjoying Andrew Maxwell and...

Erica Eler. Whoa, amazing. I know. Two amazing guests there. Fantastic. I tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to get Clarke to do the name. So he has some sort of contribution to the intro. Spoke to Clarkie last night, by the way.

He was in his hotel room. And he said, oh, I'll finish my job now. So just hanging around tomorrow before I get the flight home tomorrow night. And I said, oh, great. We're recording the intro in the morning. Do you want to hop on? And he was like, no. which is his right

it's absolutely his right that's when he leaves the country he has no right to do the podcast anymore fair enough even if that's leaving the country for work he can shun his other work on the 23rd we've got Katie Norris and Dan Tiernan champions of the Edinburgh Fringe

absolutely fantastic guests we've never had any of these people on before well certainly three of them that I've currently booked we haven't had those three on who knows who I've booked as the fourth guest there's every there's every chance it'll be one of it'll be one of that I was going to say. It's every chance it's going to be John Robbins.

Act for his 15th appearance. Absolutely. If in doubt, crack Robbins out. That's what they say. So yes, indeed, folks, come along and see those shows. And of course, on the 14th of October, we're at the Bedford in Ballam as part of the cheerful, earful comedy festival. All the tickets are available for our fancy dress Halloween special, we should say. A fancy dress, Halloween special. Yeah, come along in fancy dress. All tickets are available from pappycomod slash live. So please go there.

today and spend, spend, spend, spend. Why don't you, little game you can play, as you're listening to this next flat share, why don't you think, what would you clip out and put in a highlight through? It's a good episode, by the way. I was listening this morning. I was really, really enjoying it. And I'll tell you, you know, well, well worth listening as well because I think we've cracked the sort of the wellness idea that is going to finally make us our millions.

So listen on. I can't wait. Papi's Flashet. Talking about whatever. Happy's Flash. How we've been doing this forever? Papi's Flashet. But we don't really live together.

Happy's Flashet. Yeah. Here's what I found, right? The bum bag. Oh, yeah. Now I'm sitting up and I was really relaxing. I was laying right back. As soon as I hear, you're talking about the bum bag.

I'm forward. It's a sponding, right? Bumbag. Oh, remind me what Spondy. Yeah, take me through Spondy. Isn't Spondy two syllables both emphasized next to each other? It's not the bum bag and it's not the bum bag. Oh, it is the bum bag?

Bum bag. I bum bag. Okay. I don't know how Spondy works. I can't think. Give me an example of another Spondy. I don't know. I can't think of it.

End of episode. I feel like... So this thing is a thing that I don't know what it is, isn't it? Is that what we're talking? Is that the question? I approach it like it's a sponday. Bum bag. It feels...

I think you're hitting the word bum more than you hit in the word bag. Am I? Yeah. Bum bag? That's a question mark. Yeah. Bum bag, sir? I love a bum bag.

Yes. Great. Yeah. And I think everyone you still love bum bags. Yes. Then people feel like they have to grow out. of bum bags and then

there comes a certain sense of like basically I've started where gone well I think they went out of fashion rather

than people felt like they had to grow out of them I don't think everyone starts with bum bags and then you're not born

with bum bags no you're not born with bum bags thrust upon you you're thinking of kangaroos no so

I think up until you're 14 like between the ages of 8 and 14 bum bags become like fucking cool

and I don't think that's to do with what Eerie you're between eight and 14 in. No, if you gave a bum bag to any eight-year-old, well, you'd go to prison.

You need to know them. I think from an uncle, this is good uncle advice. Well, we're all uncles. Yeah, yeah. Great. Hey, we're all uncles. We're all uncles.

We're all uncles. We're not really about messages here or learning. But I think if you're going to take anything away from this podcast, it's that everybody listening is an uncle in some way. And isn't everybody an uncle in some way? Yeah, exactly.

And do take time to speak to the inner uncle in you and nourish them. Have we stumbled on? Yes, that's good. Nourish your inner uncle? Too much is... The second time you say it, I'm less sorry about it.

We finally got a title for our book. Nourishing your inner uncle. Nourishing your inner uncle. I feel like... Is that sponday? I feel like... Nourishing your inner uncle. Oh, it can be loads of words.

Are you sure you don't just shout all the fucking time? Is that not what you're talking about? Are you thinking about us in then? But you're just thinking about capitals. I type all in caps. I speak all in caps. Okay. So the idea of nourishing your inner uncle,

because we talk about nourishing your inner child, what are the things that uncles are already into? Having a laugh, right? That's a thing that uncles... Sitting down as well. Sitting down is a great one. Do you know what uncles absolutely love having toast any time of the day?

Why are we not... Chapter three. Toast. Toast bracket any time. Chapter four. Your comfy chair. Yeah, comfy chair. Hey, they're bad genes, but, you know,

they feel like they're part of you. And feel that waist. Absolutely. I was literally thinking. give me the G there. I was like, yeah, we've all got bad jeans.

Oh, I don't go bad jeans. I've had these bad jeans now since I was born. He sits down a lot. Yeah. It's just jeans. I think I think nourishing your inner uncle is actually really, it could be a really,

really positive thing. Yeah. Yes, exactly right. And also how to uncle well. Yeah. I think that's a book that would sell. Yeah.

I think some people, you know, ask to be an uncle. No, exactly. People read books on parenting, but no, suddenly you're an uncle. Suddenly, you know, you go and visit your sister and she's like, I've had a baby, here you go, you hold it, you're an uncle now. Exactly.

With that, yes. A decision someone else has made. Because if someone's reading in this book, look, your niblings eight, get them a bum bag. They're going to be thanking us. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. People are going to be recommending this book to people, they're going to go, oh, what are you

shopping for? God, I don't know, my fucking nibbling's like 11 or some shit And you go, pop over to Waterstones Buy this book for you Yeah, and then you won't have any money left to buy the book present Yeah, who's doing that? I thought a bus for someone in Hamleys recommended someone to go to Waterstones. That's me.

I've dressed as a clown. Again, I'm getting kicked out of Hamleys. Good job that, is classic. Classic uncle attire by the way. So, if that, yeah, if, if, if, as an uncle, I don't know, we're all, like, yeah, go on, we're all uncle's uncles, yeah. Between 8 and 14, I think it's, it's very good to remember what did you, when you were a kid, what was like the present that you'd go, wow.

And that doesn't change a globe. A globe's a great present. A kid's never going to look at a globe and not go, fucking hell. Yeah. I mean, to be honest, I'd be, I'd be happy if someone bought me a globe now. Now, yeah. You've got an uncle. Tap up your uncle.

Guys, seriously, call your uncle today. Call your uncle. Is this the inner uncle we're calling it, by the way? Remind them that they're still an uncle. Because I think sometimes uncles take their foot off the gas. Once you get to 18, 19, they go, God, my work is done. No, you're still an uncle. You never stop uncleing until the day you're nibling or you die.

Yes, yeah. Yes. Morbid but true. Fair enough. you have divorced my mum's sister, but you are still my uncle and I want to stay in contact with you. Yes. You live in Cambodia now

and have changed your name. But here I am. I've also got a fake passport. Can I live with you? We both are. Hey, listen, we both, you and I are not so different. We both made a lot of mistakes in our life. We need a fresh start.

Can I have access to your Harim? Okay, sorry. No, I'll leave now. A Cambodian Haram. We got bad genes. We're not so different, you and I. I wish to God we were. I've lost all track of who the character is, what the scenario is.

Bad uncle. Is that our new sitcom? Bad uncles. I'd pitch it. I'd pitch it. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't watch it. I wouldn't watch it.

I wouldn't write it, but I'd live it. we would pitch it to Netflix and obviously when you watch a Netflix show goes and then the next frame would be us going Bedong close it would be so you'd see the little enemy here Right

that's all we've written so far We've written the title card that makes no sense that people already hate And if you hate that You're going to hate this Stick around that um netflix do dum yeah they have an event now don't they called to dumb right there you go so it's got her saw that it was called to dumb and i didn't make that

collection that's why it's called to dumb yeah what was your theory it's a Kylie thing didn't didn't she do a song called to dumb yeah she did that one oh is it buddum pudum puddum pudum pudum i've been lit in my bones yeah that's a good song that man yeah that's a good My question about the two dummies. Uncles are into Kylie. Uncle's... Yeah, for all the wrong reasons. I say, yeah, that's it.

Uncle's chats to the kids about the music they listen to, but for all... Yeah, absolutely. You listen to that. Olivia Rodrigo, are you? Yeah, yeah. She's...

I like her, yeah, yeah, I like her, yeah. I bet you fucking do Uncle, back off. Back off, bad uncle. Got to have a sit down, dickhead. Um, balls. Excuse me? Come on now.

How dare you? No one's ever going to, like, No one is ever going to open a ball and not go. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Why, you're opening the ball up? The only time I've ever done that is when those fucking kids next door put it over my fence. Like, next time that comes over, there's a knife going through it, all right? I don't be that guy, throw it back, bro.

Be a good uncle. Good uncle, bad neighbor. If you're unwrapping a ball. If you give someone a ball, are you rapping it? Hard to wrap, but very obvious once you've wrapped it what it is. But worth it because you give it and they know it's a ball. Because it's badly wrapped and it's a fucking ball. And it's with you.

You're excited. You get them a ball every year. What a ball is this now? Exactly. A different type of ball every year. And you can cycle through the balls. You get loads of years out of that. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And ping pong ball was a lean year. You can adjust. Ping pong ball. What wedding anniversary is that one? Yeah. You can get a lot of mileage at like...

The uncle in Cambodia, you can tell you about ping pong balls. If you see it. don't smell it kid if you're a 12 year old and you're opening a baseball you're happy you're like what country is this you're happy

you don't know you're like okay what's this I've got pictures met and a baseball go on uncle okay uncle's done it again

yeah uncle do you spend a lot of time like crying to American dramas yes I do yeah yeah yeah do want to go back and play some catch he said

You want to get Oh You're in a American Do you want to go outside Let your cat Why don't you'll come outside I'll play the cat

Now I think Uncle needs one of his famous toasts He can smell burnt toast I'd say Yeah

Toast any time Oh Toast any time his final words. The words on his... Do you know what? Uncle, we'd bury Uncle and then his Greystone would pop up.

His little Greystone would pop up and it would say toast any time. Oh, yeah. Oh, poor old uncle. What he wanted to do? What he wanted to do? I don't want it to... Go on back and Cleggis, please.

Can we go out of Dad? A blackout. My inner uncle's played by Sean Penn in a role where he's hoping to win an award. Oh, yeah. A regrettable Sean Penn. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

But, yeah, so anyway, you can cycle through balls of any kind. It doesn't necessarily matter whether they are particularly sporty. I don't think. It does. It does. As a non-sporty kid, if someone bought me a baseball, I'd be livid. Okay. Okay, well, I'll have for just that chapter.

Yeah, I'm not sure that's the one. I wanted a VHS of the Tom Green show. That's what I said. I didn't want to baseball. But here's the question. Yeah. What would you say to a bum bag? Oh, I'd love a bum bag.

Exactly. Perfect. Up until a certain age and then a certain stigma creeps in. The thing that people are doing nowadays, right, is that they wear them across the chest, right? Across the chest. I do it. Are they still, are they still technically a bum bag? I mean, you never wear them on your bum, do you?

Wear them round your waist, but they're like a bum at the front. Chest bag. The old, yeah, chest bag sounds bad. Uncle's got a chest bag. Like, you like that, Livon Rodriguez. Yeah, okay, for, yes, uncle. Real pair of chest bags. Oh, man, do you want to play some gudge?

Um, sorry. A toast to chest bags. Oh. Yeah, I think that should be a key chapter. Not being that uncle. Don't be that uncle. Don't be that uncle. Don't be that uncle's not a bad time.

Don't be your uncle's the title of the way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That is it. Yeah. Don't be that uncle. Don't be that uncle.

I feel like I need... And is that uncle a spondy? I've just did a DNA test and I'm 100% that uncle. It turns out, I'm that uncle. I didn't want to be, but I am. There's got to be one. So, yeah, so I've started wearing a bum bag now.

Yeah, great. But people, a lot of comments about it. Oh, yeah. What can a bun bag? Talk us to the bum bag. What color is it? what's the design? Is it themed around,

is it lilyle and stitch? What's going on? It's blue and yellow. Yeah. It's quite a nice. I think it's quite a nice bum bag. Right. And you're wearing it traditional way around the waist?

I'm wearing it traditional round the waist. Yes. Right. Because I'm not 19. Yeah. Well, this is the problem to say. I'm not running county lines. I think I could do with like a third way wearing it.

Because I wear it around the head. Like a bandana. Sherey on my neck Oh no uncle Oh uncle Cut him down You followed that baseball Up a tree

Uncle Help me Help me Actually Actually give me a second This is my good Actually I've snagged me

I've snagged me My neck bag Give me a second though The star is born. The star is born. Don't be that uncle. Don't be the uncle who pisses yourself at an award ceremony.

Don't be that uncle. Crucially, don't be that uncle. So what was the third way of wearing the bum bag? Because you can wear it, you can wear it at front, you can wear it aside, you can wear it across the chest. What's your, what other way do you want to wear it that is? I was going to say I'm going to you're back, but that's a backpack and they're crucial. Yeah, and you're not getting anything out of it because the good thing about it being on your front is

you can zip it, you never have to take it off, right? Do you think it's a big problem is the fact that it's called a bum bag? Like, do you think branding-wise, they made a very early mistake? How do you feel about the American fanny pack? Terrible? Yeah, yeah. But they're both bad, basically, for what is an essentially brilliant item? Because I think your kids' instincts are good, you know, this is great,

got everything I need right here. It's the perfect size for every day going around. It's fucking great. What's in your bum bag? This has got very QVC very quickly. It's the perfect size for every day going around. What's in yours? Guys, please do leave a comment under the video.

What's in your bum bag? Excuse me, I've just got to stop you on the street. What's in your bum bag? Welcome to What's in your bum bag? So you've got a bum bag in there? What's in your bun bag? Great. What are you listening to?

Oh my God, it's you. It's the what's in your bum bag guy. Oh my God. Yeah. I love it. What's in your bun bag? And also, where's your favourite burger?

Eh? Eh? I've got a burger in my bum bag. I've got a burger in my bum bag. Where's your burger from in your bum bag? And where's your bum bag from? So, we take on top jaw with what's in your bum bag.

It's the bum bag guys. Why is there three of them? Why is one of them dangling from a tree? Can you help get my mate down? Yeah. Hi, I'm Tom. I'm Matthew. I'm Clark.

All right. So I got covered the way you're thinking about chest bags. Old Netbags is here. There's three of us and we each wear our bum bag a different way. Oh, yeah. Here we go. I'm a traditional. I'm bum bag.

I'm chest bag. And I'm neck bags. Hello, everyone. Do you want to get Rickachatatatat? We've got old check. We've got. We'll find out what's in his bum bag. Grab this stick.

We'll get it out. Come on. Actually, I've got it. Give me a minute. The Star is born. It's full of toast. Yeah, I think if you name it differently, I think suddenly everyone's on board. Yeah, absolutely.

It's a bit like, you know, Fanny Pack and Bumbag. I've got the same problem that like sweatpants or john. Sweep pants or jogging bottoms. They're tracking. Track your bottoms, fine. Yeah. Sweat pants. No, thank you.

Gross. Disgusting. Jogging bottoms pretty much as bad, really. Yeah. Jogging bottoms. Jogging bottoms. It's an anti, it's an anti spondulik's, isn't it? Yeah.

What's it called again? Spondi. Spondi. It's an anti spondy. Anti spondy. Antispondy. Antispondy. And I'm not called Spondy, Married to Uncle Bunbag, Antispondy.

They were toxic, weren't they? They didn't get on. We all knew it at the wedding. Absolutely ruin a barbecue, yeah. Oh, no. Give them six months. What's with those accents? What's that with those things?

Let's throw and play some catch. Oh, no. Why don't they sound like American robots? So, yes. I try to embrace body wallet for a while. Oh, your body wallet. No, I think body wallet. The body wallet is the thing that you keep your travellers checks in when you're

on your holidays and they always say keep it under your t-shirt. That's it. The fact it's on your skin all day. Like all your clothes. Yeah,

but it's normally like quite plasticy, isn't it? Yeah, my body, what it was. It's a bit sweaty. Yeah.

Everything comes out a bit clammy. Yes. But like a healthy bum back. You've been keeping this baseball. Like what if it's called like a waist sack or something like, oh, that's bad.

No, that's bad. A durable waste sack With a drawstring Okay, waist sacks Excuse me, I just need to go Empty my waist sack Yeah, okay

Yeah, I can see the challenge now It's not easy It's not easy A torso pouch Torso pouch? Not good No Not good

I've actually, you know I'm going to be out of action For a couple of days I'll still be answering emails But I'm going to hospital My torso pouch removed But yeah Yeah, yeah. In an emergency, if you could speak to someone else in the office, that would be great. But in an emergency, you can text me. Yeah, but I'm, I've just got to be just a lot of rest, a lot of bed rest is what I need. My torso pouch is coming off. No, it's not, it's not dangerous or anything. It's just uncomfortable.

Okay. While you're there, I might get my inner uncle removed as well. For monisters, yeah. I've had it cleansed. Waste pack, waste pack's our best one so far. Waste, the word waste is the problem. Waste is bad, Tom. Okay. it makes you think of the other waist. Oh yeah, okay, okay, I see what you mean, okay. Is there some kind of like, could we put like sport in it somewhere? That feels like quite good. I was going to say, what about the word belly?

Belly bag. Belly bag? A belly bag? I don't mind belly bag. Yeah. Belly bag is actually the best I've, oh. I think that's good. Yeah, I think belly is less, you got your belly bag.

It's a bit of fun. It's a bit of fun. It's kind of like it's sort of, it doesn't. Is it too hot? What about groin pouch? Why are you making this so hard? I saw them at the download festival this year. Why are you making my groin back?

Because belly, belly's, belly's too high, isn't it? It does exist. Yours isn't. You can also equally call it your knee bag. No, I think belly, I think waist and belly and all that. Like, otherwise you're getting into like midriff or all that kind of stuff, which feels a bit too. Torso pack.

A torso pack. A torso pack better than a torso pouch. Torso pack's pretty dynamic, isn't it? Torso pack feels like something you would keep your supplements in that you bought from a... Torso pack fans like a guy who'd give you advice on how to kind of live, you know, like just swimming cold water kind of thing. Different kind of podcast. Yeah, yeah, torso pack. Like a kind of Wim Hof type guy, Wimhoff crossed with the liver king. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What up guys? Liver Pound. it's bad uncle I'm here to tell you how to live torso yeah torso pack's good belly bags more fun I think

I think a torso pack feels like something that's that your like teenage kids would want to have rather than your eight year olds yes the belly bag is fun yeah you know all my kids are

you know they're at that age all they want is all they want is belly belly bags for you know they want to despicable me minions belly bags yes exactly that's what they're after but then between

15 and 22, no one's interested in bum bags. And then when you get round again, you get into old age, you realise they're very useful. They are useful. Oh, useful. Because the thing I've got at the moment is, I've always got too much in my pockets. And it looks bad, doesn't it? You know?

It's like, pulling your trousers, pulling your jeans down a bit too far. You've got to stop pulling your jeans down a bit too far. Why are you doing bad on colourness? I'm so sorry, I just had my wallet in my pocket. I'm so far my jeans. The reason your jeans are falling down

It's because your belts around your neck Oh, that'll do it Oh, that's this shit Because he's just put A bit more gravel in my pocket Oh no Oh dear Oh dear

It's a public park And then we hit the human pinia The gravel comes out And his trousers like the great escape And he flies up straight to heaven it wasn't gravel it was skittles

hooray it's the right you've ruined another birthday I've got you a book but yeah very very useful Tom

very very useful to have your stuff in your mum bag I think as well the other thing is when you get to a certain age the appearance just you just don't

just not bothered about it amen brother just all you think is what's going to be You know, I don't have a choice as to where I'm going anymore. You know, having to go to places that I don't necessarily want to go to. So therefore, comfort, ergonomics, convenience, that's what I'm into. And everyone's covered in shit now.

Yes, that's right. Wait, wait, what second. He's talking about exorcetism. It's honestly, it's like medieval Britain. It really is. When you get in, in a wind, I wear your parenting kids up until the age of seven

everyone's just covered in shit. Have you told your kids you're only going to parent them up to the age of seven? When do you sit down and say, my outer dad needs to replace by my inner uncle

for a moment. Weirdly, I sign off as an uncle at what, did I say 18, 19? But as a dad, he's clocked out. I'm a far more diligent

uncle than I am father, sadly. But yeah, like, it's kind of cool because the people you're hanging around with, everybody's the same. Everyone's got like toothpastes here

And like there's some kind of fucking Bolognais there And no one kind of judges anyone I'm loving that Yeah because you've always had that Yeah finally It's like you're a dad Weirdly from the age of seven onwards Once your dad left

You're like well I guess he's the dad now He's covered in shit He's covering in bonoamase He's got toothpaste on his eyebrows Do you not think it's mad that we have a thing That's going on Go on go on Go on.

I like it. Would you not think it's mad that we have this thing that clothes should be clean? No, I don't think that's mad, son. No, no, no. You hear me out. It's like cars, right? That thing of like,

we have this thing that cars should be unscratched and shiny. And it's like, what they should be is mat and spongy. There should be like a big spongy mat finish on every car. So it's like, oh, you graze a post. No one fucking knows. Matt and spongy is your guys is pot. Castlet out there, isn't it? And so it should be the same with clothes.

Like, the thing that is there to get dirty. And the spongier, the car is, the safer it is, because when it rains, the car gets heavier, you're forced to drive slower. Yeah, exactly. You know, people speed along the roads that, you know, when it's, when it's, when the tarmac's wet. Absolutely. You can't drive any pace. Your car's waterlogged. Yeah.

But it's bad, like, the one thing that... The seats are made of the stuff that the outside of the car should be made of. Yeah, Treboe soft mint kind of added. Yeah, Mr. Soft. But, like, clothes should have a similar vibe. Clothes should be like... Matt and spongy.

Or, yeah, or like at least a bit, a bit wipe clean or a little bit... No, I don't get... Flaminated clothes. I told me turning up in a pleather shirt to my nephew's birthday. It's only a matter of time It's wiped clean, yeah, everyone

You want to get into a Berlin sex dungeon Oh, it's great because if I buy this now I can wear it both to my nephews christing And to Bergheim I've come straight from Bergheim Happy birthday Happy Birkheim I brought you another ball

It's a gag Oh, no. I'm going to work, I'm wearing a torso pouch and nothing else. Go get the uncle, but the uncle's asleep. Then wake the uncle up. And he comes, just unzip your mouth there, uncle. Waking your inner uncle. Unzip the uncle pouch.

Talking of clubs, I was chatting to another dad the other day. Oh, yeah. He went on a stag do and you get to an age when like a stag do used to be like, yes. Yes. The countdowns of the stag do, here we go. Absolutely right. Exciting. The WhatsApp's popping off.

You're thinking, am I staying over for all three nights, you know, that kind of thing? And then you get past a certain age and you're like, fuck, I've got a stag do coming up. Is there any? Yeah. Could I? Or like just the day? Could I get the sort of the first off-peak train and then the last off-peak train? Basically, can I go from about sort of 11 o'clock to 5pm and then be home for the kids' bedtime?

Day stags. Like day clubbing has taken off. It's like day stagging, basically. But he said that he was at a stag. He was stuck in this club that was like fully young people. We even had it on your stag where we went to the club. And they said to me, and it was me and Ed Gokken, right? so two old

old fellows rock up to the club and they go we just want to tell you I just want to tell you behind those doors

there's got a lot of young people are you are you going to be okay with that and I was like yeah I think so

we won't bother them and they won't bother us and he's like okay but just remember there's young people trying to have a nice nice in there

you could really harsh their vibe by just like your face and the way you walk slightly slowly. And then when you went in, they stopped the next bunch of students

going and said, just so you know, there's some old people. We've let in some old folks yet. Let them have their little space. Don't worry. There's a special pen, which we've just cordoned them off.

And they're there. And, you know, they're very excited about how cheap the drinks are. So just let them have that. They're so sleepy. They'll be gone soon. Don't worry. They came to the.

club two hours ago before we opened, which is what happens every, every time you're like, oh, there's a club in town and you go up to the club and you go, can we go, go into the club? And they go, yeah, you can when it opened at 2 a.m. Because this was like half past six. They were like, we don't open until half eight. We just finished bowling. We're like, what do we do now? Do we go to the club?

Just done some bowling. But yeah, so he was saying he was in this club and he said the only thing he took away from that he thinks is brilliant is that nobody talks in the club. anymore because it's too loud right that's always been a problem whatever age you are however good you're hearing is yeah they just WhatsApp each other oh really and I was like and he was saying we because we were we were at a kid's birthday party and it was really loud and he went oh well just what you know if you want to have a chat let's just WhatsApp each other we just stood there next to each other what'sapping each other and it was completely fine and he was like

I learned that from the young people and I thought yeah that's smart because for years you've having that conversation where you're like yeah yeah yeah barely getting what another person saying leaning it to someone's here trying to shout in their ear you know that kind of thing which is sort of like it can be fun if you're trying to flirt with someone but most of the time it's just that you're stuck in a table with you know if we were sat like this and it was a club yeah you wouldn't be able to hear me you'd be delighted but you know but you know what I mean like could we pop some music on we'd all have our phones out well famously in that club on my stag my brother came around the my brothers went to the bar

and came around the corner and they went oh no this is amazing getting off with another girl they were like what do we do and then they looked a bit closer and I had Crosby in my arms and I was just trying to tell him how much I loved him. And because he couldn't hear me, we were just like in this massive clinch I was going,

I love you, my boy! So all they saw was just long hair. It's Crosby, yeah, and it was Crosby's hair and me in this absolute clinch. And they were like, oh, no, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's getting off with Crosby. Okay, okay, okay.

Listen, what happens on this stag, stays on the stag. I was having a rummage in his waist page. So a couple of things Before we wrap up Obviously There's one great stag Left in the tank

We're just waiting for it to happen, aren't we? And the clock is ticking basically Because we've only got a few years of good stagging left in us That's true Yeah That's true What you don't want to be is the uncle on the stag Yeah

And we're all getting to the stage now Where we're going to be the uncle on the stag Yeah, that's a good chapter You know, the uncle, yeah, the uncle on the stag, he shows up, I mean, it's, the uncle, the uncle shows up. He's a little bit overfriendly with the bar staff in a way that creeps everybody else out. Yeah, he goes way too hard, way too early. He's bought shots for everyone. Yeah, because he thinks, oh yeah, yeah, the last time I was on a stag, I was able to, you know, chin points. Yeah. And you want to say, uncle, the last time you're on a stag, Clement Attlee was in power. It's like, you might, you may have been able to chin points. And I'm sure they cost, you know, like a half a heapney or whatever. Yeah. But he's bought shots for the group and for that group over there. Oh, no. He's bought shots for a hen that isn't your head. Sorry, we should talk to them, gay.

We should, enemy fun. So there is that. Yeah. But just to loop back to Berlin. Yes, we must. To that club. Yeah. What's your tactic for getting into Bergheim?

My friend, Tom. So it's a big... Got in. What? Yeah, he was there recently. He got in. right is he an uncle he's an uncle so there's hope yeah so probably the last chapter in our book how to get into bergheim if you're an uncle how'd you get into bergheim i'll tell you the i'll tell you the

techniques to get in okay because i i do know this i'm never going to go to bergheim i know that just for the list of these that don't know what bergheim is it is the most exclusive techno club in berlin you've got a queue for four sometimes five hours to get in oh my god there's a heavily tattooed, sort of heavily pierced guy who makes the decision. It's so hard to get in this club. There is a simulator online that people use to have the conversation with that guy

in order to work out whether or not they would get in. Oh my God. There's a Bergheim simulator that teaches people how to get into Bergheim. Great. That's what we're doing later on then. Listen, we can barely get into Berghaus the all-weather clothing company. I've come to buy a bum bag.

please please your sales on it's half six in the morning we don't open for three hours there are plenty of young people in there working I get holding so many burgers I think Millis is more your speed actually because that's what he'll also do

he'll tell you the club you should go to okay oh wow he'll say you say look like you're American tourists I think you'd get a much better night if you went there so that what you've got to know is you've got to know who's DJing that's crucial right

he'll ask you who are you here to see you've got to know who's DJing Because, yeah, it's always worth to take any chance on, yeah. It's it, the fat, pussy, more basement jacks. It isn't one of those, I don't know why I'm even bothering

trying to get in. So you've always got to know that. Dressing in black, okay? I don't, I don't think if you're not in that world, you want to go full bondage gear, you know, you don't want to go for that. Checky with black ride because the tooth paste really shows it.

It does, yeah. It hides a bit of the Bolognaise, but that tooth paste isn't, that's on display. So you've got to go, you've got to go for that. If you are in a group, yeah, don't be in a group. group, okay?

So... The stag rule. Yeah, exactly. That's part of this idea. Put Crosby down. There's a real, you and Ed Gawain were going in separately at the club.

There's a reason for that. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You go in in pairs. So that is that. And I would say, have a rudimentary German. Not a person with you.

Like, that guy in late the house is like, this is my friend that can vouch for him. No. No. And then off he goes into the night. Yeah. But yeah, have some, because if you just reply, you know,

it's like any time you speak to anyone when you're abroad and you're like, you try and, you know, bust, bust through it. You've got to at least try. You've got to meet them halfway, at least try and have a bit of a bit of German. So that's what you should be doing. Great. Okay. I think you've got a chance, man.

I'll report back. I think you could, I think you. Off he goes. I know. You could be, you know, you, I think you could, you know, you're big, you're broad. If you're wearing like a, you know, tight, tight black t-shirt. Tight. Yeah.

I think tight's good. Yeah. I think tight, yeah. I don't know if you've got any other options, Tom. I think tight is, tight is good. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Black jeans, black boots. Keep it simple. You know, you know, don't, no need for like wrap around shades. You're not a terminator. Neck bag? Are we allowing a net bag? I think, actually, maybe leather bum bag could go one or two ways, couldn't it? And can the nibblings come in?

No. Oh, this is the worst holiday ever. Come on, kids. Let's go bowling. I've got that ball for you for your birthday. We're going to lose it around. My bum bag's really heavy, uncle. There you go.

There you go. Let's get to the Payton Office quick. I mean, another fantastic episode from your boys. Well worth a trip over to the Patreon to chuck us a few coins, I'd say. It certainly is. Yeah, a fun episode. Love doing it. And if you've got an idea for how to rename or rebrand the bum bag,

we would love to hear from you. Pappy's Flat Share at gmail.com. Get in touch today. And who knows, we might even remember to read out one of your emails on the episodes, which we usually forget to do. Absolutely. If you'd like more of it, then get yourself over to the Patreon. Patreon.com for slash Pappy's Flat Share.

Why should they go there, Tom? Because for just £4 a month, and that's the price of a stiff coffee these days. You get a bonus episode every Thursday. You get advanced ticket options for our live events and a discount as well. You get the jinglers a single. You get to be part of our patron community.

We do, and also, crucially, you get to support your boys on their journey of podcasting to the grave. So please do, please do hop on a Patreon and support your boys on their journey. To the grave, of course, to the grave. That's what our tat is, say, podcasting to the grave. Podcasting to the grave. Yes. You know what, Tom, by the way, that's Exeter talking.

A stiff coffee in London. You're talking close to a fiver now. Oh, there you go, then. So, you know, actually, it's a, it's a bargain. It's an absolute, it's an absolute bargain. Oh, you know, I saw the other day, I saw the other day. Oh, yeah, go on. I saw, um, a cinnamon roll.

Five pounds 75. Oh, a cinnamon roll. Oh, a cinnamon roll five pounds 75. I couldn't believe. And he went cross-eyed. Obviously, I didn't, I'm still, I've still got just about enough self-restraint to not mention it to the people who are working behind the counter, because they don't set the price. It's of no, you know, they don't, either buy it or don't buy it.

It means nothing to them. Do you know what I saw? Go on, here we go to me. I saw a French pastry. Oh, I. Two pound 50. I nearly went croissant. And again, candid cane, I hope you're listening, because clip that up.

When you do your next audio dump, that has to be front and center. It certainly does. We'll do another one in another 10 years' time, but that's going to be clip number one. Why don't you take Candid Cain photography's incredible example and try and do what you can to spread the word of our lovely pod? Let's go for some kind of guerrilla marketing campaign from our listener deers as Candid Cain has shown us the way. Otherwise, this episode is produced by Amacautium. Caution team. Cheers everyone.

Bye. Bye. Erica Eila. Erica Ela. Erika Eila. Erica Eila.