Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1537: Stevie Martin

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

Stevie Martin joins us to get down to the very basics of human bodily functions, from cramps to craps via the most clandestine (but heroic) late night actions from Tom… This one gets messy!Stevie can be found on her Instagram here - https://www.instagram.com/5teviemFollow us on:YouTube: youtube.com/@pappysflatshareInstagram: instagram.com/pappyscomedy/TikTok: tiktok.com/@pappysflatshareFacebook: facebook.com/PappysFlatshare/And X: twitter.com/pappystweet Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's Morgan from Off the Shelf, and I'm here to tell you about Paramount Pictures, new movie Regretting You, a film adaptation of Colleen Hoover's best-selling book, Regretting You. If there's anything I love more than an adaptation, it's an adaptation that's going to make me feel something. And with Josh Boone, yes, the director of the Fultonar stars, at the helm, I'm ready. Between the first loves, secret relationships, and second chances, I am prepared to be going through every single emotion. This film also has a stacked cast, starring Alison Williams, McKenna Grace, Dave Franco, Mason Thames, and so many more. Go see Regretting You Only in Theatre's October 24th.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. And I am Matthew. Do not worry. Ben is just around the corner. He is, uh, Ben is currently on holiday. He's on holiday in Greece. Now, after somebody slammed the nation of Greece, very, very, very hard in our last episode calling an entire nation of people

liars for lying about their their diet. Their age. Their age, their health regimen. He's now gone to the land of the land of liars. Greece got in touch, didn't they? And they said, look, a PR mission. You've said this about us. Why don't you come and experience

us? And maybe you'll change your mind. So, you know, the tourist industry, they got the tourist board of Greece. Come over. Ask us about our age. Find out for yourself. Have you been to Greece? Have you ever been to? I've been to many times. I've been to Greece. I'd like to say several times. I think it's how I could safely say it. Yeah. You'd like to say it's not true. He's never been. I'd like to say I've

been to Greece several times. Unfortunately, I've, I've barely left my house. Yeah, so he's in Greece at the moment and, you know, of course, Tom, you know I went to a Greek wedding the other day. Terrible food, but smashing plates. Oh, lovely stuff. There we go. There we go. It has to be done before the episode gets started. But not only are we going to be joined by Ben in just a few moments. We're also going to be joined by a very special guest.

Stevie Martins here, everyone. And Stevie Martin has been a long-time friend of the podcast. She has. We have on Flat Slam several moons ago. and of course we first met in Edinburgh when she was with Massive Dad, the sketch group. Yes. She's since gone on to be star of stage and screen.

That's right, yeah, Taskmaster. She's done Taskmaster. She's done the new Mitchell and Webb TV sketch show. Mitchell and Webb are not helping. She's just brilliant. If you don't already know Stevie, and I'm sure you do, but she's absolutely fantastic. I can't recommend her highly enough.

Go and check out her work. She's wonderful. She's on tour, as well so if you want to go and see her i think she's doing the bloomsby theatre very soon which is selling selling fast with her show clout so please do go and see stevie martin she's absolutely wonderful she's right and we should as well get ahead of the get ahead of the story before this episode begins we should must it's a bit i saw her a couple of days after we recorded this and she was like i can't believe we talked about pooping for basically an hour

say that much. I really enjoy this chat. I really enjoyed this chat. But before we get into the chat, let's do a quick bit of admin. If you enjoy what we're sticking out on the main feed for free, then every Thursday we do another podcast

that's behind the Patreon. It's a whole other kind of podcast in its own realm. We talk to listeners. We play games. It's really worth to listen. Tom, I've got to ask you, it's a whole of the podcast in its own realm. Yeah, and that, it's right there.

I mean, if you're interested in a whole of the podcast in its own realm on a Thursday, then it's right there. Sign me up. For just four pounds a month for the Patreon at patreon.com forward slash pappy's flat share. We also have a free trial that you can hop on for seven days and listen to what we're doing and then see if you fancy it. So crucially, though, what getting on the patron gives you is a lovely, warm feeling knowing that you're supporting your boys on their journey of podcasting to the grave.

We cannot do it without your financial support. So if you are enjoying our output, you feel like bunging us a few quid, then get along to Patreon today. Yes, indeed. Travel to a new realm with us. Every Thursday. Every Thursday, by patreon.

dot com forward slash pappy's flat share we would love to love to see you over there of course don't forget that if you enjoy these episodes you can watch clips of them on Instagram and TikTok at pappy's comedy on Instagram at pappy's flat share on TikTok or we're at pappy's flat share

on YouTube as well you can watch entire episodes so if you like the way we sound you are going to love the way we look if you thought this podcast this audio medium needs to be a visual medium I wonder how they're sat Then get on to get across to YouTube And fill your eyes

Absolutely fill your eyes with the spread We're all we're all splayed out on a sofa You're going to love it You're going to absolutely love it Yeah absolutely Splap of you That's what we're going to do All right

Well let's get into this episode shall we Let's do it Enjoy And yes sorry for the people Happy Splatchez. Talk about whatever. Happy's Flatchez. How we've been doing this forever?

Papi's Flatchez But we don't really live together. Papi Splatchett. Yeah! Oh. You're all right, babe. What have you got? I'm just my calves.

You've got calves. He's just got a car. He's got a serious case. The serious case of the calves is what he's got. Listen, when you get to a certain... You'll find this out, Steve. When you get to a certain age, Yeah, yeah.

You get calves. Yeah. No calves before barbs. What's wrong with your calves, Parry? They just, you know, when you get, when you can stretch them, it feels... Tight. Yeah, yeah, that's... Tight car.

Cramp. Cramp. Cramp. Crampy cars. On verge of cramp, it feels like. Yeah, I get that quite a lot as well. I don't think I've ever had cramp. Never cramped.

I'm going to say that. I don't think ever had him. I'm a never cramper. You've never cramped in any part. of your body? No, I've had stomach cramps as a woman. Of course as a woman. Come on. Of course you have. I've had calves in my stomach. So your statement of I've never had cramps. Sorry, it's like, you know when, people go like, oh, oh, oh, oh. And they like, do that, but they're like, what are you,

like, what that feels like. Have you ever had it? The feeling, the feeling of having someone relieve your cramp by leaning on your foot. It feels great. It's a really good. And it's a Cracking bit of teamwork going on where someone goes. I've got you. And then it feels good both ways. Receiving it feels great. Yeah. But giving it feels great as well.

Yeah. Because you're grabbing someone you don't really know by the foot. Whoa, whoa, well, you got in the detail here. You don't know them. Because I was assuming you,

I was assuming you're giving us your wife. You're grabbing someone you don't really know. On the cheap. Come on. You can't seem a little bit tight. Don't you worry, mate. I'm getting you. I'm sorting you.

grabbing someone you don't really know you don't know that well no like I'm talking about like five side football situations yeah I do always say if you see it on a on like a normal football on television and someone's doing it for another team I'm always like

you see cross party lines maybe it's because I don't play football maybe it's that's why I don't have cramp it feels like a real footballer's thing but also if I was in the park and a runner goes down you're just waiting right over there grabbing that

the foot. Because you have to fucking... You finally catch up to them. The harder you go into their foot for them, the better it feels for them. Unless they've broken their ankle and you've misdiagnosed it. That would be a problem. You're not a physio. If somebody falls over, right?

If someone falls over in a park, I'm not going hard on their ankles. I'm not going hard. I'm straight in. My foot's come off. But if they shout cramp, that's the green light I'm looking for. Yeah, sure. Crucially, you've got to wait for that. Shouting cramp is an invitation.

Absolutely. Cram! Gosh, Stevie, have you, and this sounds like I'm threatening you. Yeah, no, go on. Have you ever had a dead arm or a dead leg, though? Yes. So I've had, so I sleep on my face. No.

And what's the rest of your body doing? Just straight up? You know, like, those like, pass the pigs and the face just like a double snouter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're a double snouter? I had heard that about you. Just a normal sleeping woman.

The old double snow to never cramp for Stevie Martin, everyone. Yeah, but I do, it's on my faith. And it's all, I was head turned. And then, thank God. Thank God. We must turn the head. Crucially. Yeah, I die. I learned that very early on.

You sleep on a massage table, don't you? Yes, 100%. That's the only way you can keep breathing. That's why you've never had cramp. Massage night and day. Constantly, a little hole in the... Very quickly on the massage table, by the way. You can't, like, I find I get very bunged up.

Have you ever had a massage? Yeah. And then at the end of it, they go, is that all right? And you're like, no, fine, thank you. Is the pressure all right? Like, why is everything here? Everything's there. It feels like you're pushing every bad thing of my body into my nose.

Yeah. Maybe, do you have sinus issues ever? Well, I do want to have massages. I'm going to say, it feels like he must have a very, a sinusy man. Oh, yeah. You are a sinusy man, very nasal, very... It's all getting pushed like that. pushed into this area yeah yeah it's like when you haven't spoken for ages and you order a

pizza and then the pizza that's a real insight is your lifestyle sorry yeah i've just been i've just woken up and i was sleeping on my face all night yeah yeah i love pizza but it just felt like yeah crows are flying out your mouth the um what was the question so you were saying you sleep on your face oh yeah yeah we are talking about that yeah um and then no but why was I saying that because I asked you you've had a dead arm or a dead leg yes thank you right you will have to be doing this quite a lot because I can't do this no I can barely remember that anything that's come out of my mouth let alone yours okay double snouter lying on my face because so because of that um I went through a period of time I've had to stop now lying on my face or try to try to

stop it is because I would get two dead arms oh so I would wake up and be like oh so most people stretch both their arms above their head you couldn't do no sometimes I would go to think like that So like an inverse vampire. So you're like that, put out of this. Yeah. But like a badly stored corpse. Yeah. Shave him in the coffin.

Gosh, she was like a badly stored corpse. Am I right, lad? She walked into the room. Awful. Awful praise. Yeah. Awful to do as well. How long does it take you?

And does one of the arms come back before the other? I don't know. I couldn't tell you because the panic, the first few times it happened was so intense. Because it's like you're having, because your dreams get quite weird. as well when I think you've got two double arms. You've been got two double arms.

When you've grown four arms in the night. And then also when you've got dead arms, but like I was sort of doing, you can't do this? And then it was one time where I was sort of like trying to bang my, my head onto my own arm. Like, do I use my leg? But it does, yeah, it does it.

The hands first and then it kind of. Because what you're deprived of as well is one of the great pleasures of like being able to wang your dead arm with your good arm. Oh yes. Yes, wank. Do you mean wank? No.

And it feels like someone else. Yeah. Your arm. This feels like Steve Martin's doing it. It feels like Steve Martin's doing it. Come on, wamp. I fall asleep on my penis that feels like I'm wanking someone else. But what he didn't say is he wraps it around his neck like a travel pillow.

Anyway, should we do a podcast? That move of being able to throw your dead arm. Yes. Yeah. It's quite fun. It's a bit of fun. Yeah, yeah. Feels like it's made of rubber and it's got no bones in it.

Yeah, yeah. That is really good. I've never had a, no, I've had a dead leg. not of note. Not because you slept fine. I don't sleep on my legs. You cross your legs, you cross your arms. What are not that?

Arms down. I sleep in a small box. I know you've got a tortoise. And on my penis, yes. You're very easy to store, aren't you? That's what they say that. I'm foldable. I am faultable.

Oh, God. Yeah, it's odd when you say things out. loud and then you're like, yeah, that's not the thing that you've also experienced, I suppose. So did you have to retrain yourself to sleep then? Did you have to sort of go to bed? Yeah, I go, I just, just simply do this. Like, I just retrain myself to do that. One arm up, one arm, one arm up, one down. Swastika. Oh, like, one leg, one leg's off as well. You sleep in a swastika position. Wow. Wow. Hey, but it depends because it could be the Hindu symbol. Yeah, it's that one. Obviously, it's

that one. The first one. Yeah. You can call it the snoo sticker. There we go. Yeah. Take the edge off. I don't think it's time for a rebrand. Let's not take the air job of swathed again. No, let's not. It's not the time now. What are yours?

What are your sleeping positions? How do you sleep? Oh, it's... On my side, generally. I've recently incorporated the pillow between the knees. You call it the burning cross, don't you? Oh, my God, I love it. It's great.

The whole burning cross position. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, honestly. I sleep out on my lawn. Pillard case on your head On fire Jesus Christ No go on

What's yours What's your flavour between these I've just What? It's really good for the lower back I love it It's really good for the lower back It's an absolute game thing

This is new Yeah And you as well No but I I tried it It was a bit too much for me Like I move around too much And I've got like a pillow in the mix Oh

There's always a pillow in the mix In our bed It's like That's that game, where they go doing, doing, doing. Tennis. Tennis. To be fair, it's based on tennis. It's based on ping pong.

But it feels like that and it's like a loose, but it's a massive pillow. And so then Adam will have it sort of up. And then he's like trying to pass it to me. And then I'm trying to put it between my legs. And I've bollied it and he's headed it out. Is he still in character as Jimmy Connors? Yes, he is. She just can't stop.

He's shouting. But yeah, yeah, yeah, I have that same same thing where you kind of want. to put it because on the side it kind of hurts my lower back if I don't have a pillow between my legs but it kind of feels quite yeah well I was I was told to do it by um by 40 and admittedly he had had a bit of his spine removed that was the reason he started doing it but it's an absolute game changer and my spine's better than ever oh I'm so glad yeah yeah yeah I feel great and do you cramp do I not in the night no no I never cramping right I'm uh because I have to I have to hold my kids' hands for them to fall asleep, right?

We're trying to train them out of it. Yeah. Right. It's, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, I imagine quite annoying sometimes. It's okay. It's okay. You know, I play a lot of wordal. Yeah.

You know, one-handed one-handed, one-handed, one-handed, one-handed, one-handed. I'm a classic one-handed wordler. Yeah. That's what I say. Here he comes. Here he comes to one-handed wordler. Um, but then you, you get up from the ground, you know, the ground where I think. Yeah.

The ground, the whole world where I sit. And, uh, the leg's just gone. And so, so you're trying, because obviously you can't make a noise. Even though it's painful. The roll away. You've got to, yeah, you've got to basically drag yourself out, drag yourself out, like Connery in the Untouchables. And then you've got to try and, it's like a hop hopping from one leg to the other trying

because what I need really is a big strong point, like Parry to come really in there with my ankle. But that's it. He's not there. So, yeah, yeah. It's exciting, though, that kind of, that kind of gameplay. Yeah. It's like you have real world gameplay when you've got kids. like that it's a bit like you're playing the floor is lava

it's like you know my daughter's bed creaks here yeah so I have to kind of I have to transfer my weight forwards and come out on the side there because if I go out on the flat then it's going to creak so like I've had to adapt my way out of the bed have you thought about like getting

I don't have children but I you know like a skateboard lying on it and then just sort of pushing off like a mechanic Yeah, like a mechanic You're out of a car Just slide under the bed Or under a car That's a great idea

But then you might get a squeaky wheel You could dragon's den that shit Maybe I will The parent board I'm not a parent But what I do think It's a skateboard, thoughts A skateboard you can roll away from your kids

Is that a good idea And leave it right next to the bed And it's really dark room Yeah yeah Skateboard next to bed Nothing wrong with that Hi, it's Morgan from Off the Shelf, and I'm here to tell you about Paramount Pictures, new movie Regretting You, a film adaptation of Colleen Hoover's best-selling book,

Regretting You. If there's anything I love more than an adaptation, it's an adaptation that's going to make me feel something. And with Josh Boone, yes, the director of the Fultonar stars, at the helm, I'm ready. Between the first loves, secret relationships, and second chances, I am. prepared to be going through every single emotion. This film also has a stacked cast starring Alison Williams, McKenna Grace, Dave Franco, Mason Fames, and so many more. Go see Regretting You Only in Theatre's October 24th.

We did a thing the other week that was like, it felt like an action film, it was extraordinary, where our daughter had a splinter and she is terrified of needles. So she said, just do it when I'm asleep. and we were like we can't just do it when you're okay actually we'll try that so she went to bed and then my wife and I in the middle of the night had to get into her room and perform like an operation and and and we had like a towel over so like we had a torch and a towel so that's like separating her sleeping head yeah so it's like there and I'm there with a needle and we're trying

not to disturb her and if it's like too much then she'll stir and it's like and turn the torch off and we had to do this kind of like thing and it was exhilarating and we succeeded. You succeeded? We succeeded and there was this amazing thing where I had to get onto the one side of the bed

to do it and then a key moment my daughter rolled over and the thumb went to the other side and so... To javel in the needle across. We switched rolls and it was like I became the nurse with the torch and the towel and Jane became the surrogain

surgeon and took the needle and was like, do, do, do. And then so we both got to do it. And it was absolutely exhilarating. Now here's the thing. The worry is now that we cut to a couple of months down the line, your daughter's waking up in a bathtub full of ice. You've taken out several. We're chasing the thrill. It's saving our marriage. It's saving our marriage. Exactly. It's brought you closer together, but crucially, it's brought your daughter closer to the emergency rooms. The clandestine surgeons. We're clandestine servants now. Yeah. But our marriage has never been stronger.

Our kid's never been weaker. But it was a buzz, man. What's the taste very being up to? Yeah, so it was. It was a thrill. Wow. I love that. I know.

That sounded amazing. Yeah. Did you have an issue with splinters when you're a kid? Because it was a big thing for us. I was okay, but I'd tell you the joke that I always used to hate. And every adult used to do it of like, well, we're going to have to chop your hand off. Yeah. I just never enjoyed that.

Because you believed them. Well, I think deep down, you are a bit like, you're in a vulnerable place. Yeah, you could. I couldn't stop you if you chop my hand off. I'm a child. It's not a good business. Did people ever say, like, oh, it'll grow into a tree. That's what people said to me.

What? I'm having that, though. I like that. Yeah, that one's good. Yeah, you have a big tree hand. Are you just, I just, I, you know, That's much worse than chopy hat. That's an old tree hand.

A little oak coming out of your arm. You're not careful. Okay. I didn't do it deliberately. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Deliberally spin to myself. The one that I used to get as a kid was

if you swallow the apple pips. Yeah. The tree grows out your belly button. Oh, yeah. At your belly button. Yeah, yeah. Straight out. Okay.

I mean, where else would it grow? At your ass. Great. Yeah, tree grow at your ass. That's stupid. You get a tree arse. You're just a forest. It's an orchard at this point.

Apparently, apple seeds have got something like cyanide in them or something, have actually poisonous. It's not really funny, but it's just fact. But you'd have to eat a lot of them, wouldn't you? Probably, I'd be quite scared to do that. That is a better thing to say to a child, though, than a tree or grow at you know.

They're poisonous. They are actually poisonous. And that is fact. But it was always an answer. That's a fact. That's a fact. It's not funny. It's not funny.

That's just fact. But also, it was an accident. You didn't, you weren't like, oh yeah. Oh, yeah. So it's not, you don't have to deter people. Well, do you know, there was always like, I've got a couple of friends who are very proud about eating the core. This is a thing.

When I was at uni, there was a, my first old boyfriend, he, like, tried to impress me by eating the whole apple in the lecture. And it didn't impress me, but it was like, what's that? What's going on there? A little stick bit as well. Yeah, he went, oh, no, come on. And then later on he was like, I don't know why I did that. I just thought it would be a talking point.

A talking point. It was, I went, why did you do that? I always do that. And then we just didn't talk about that show. Great talking point. Quite a small talking point. Two sentences. But still.

Out. I did go out of him. So I suppose it would work. Yeah. Yeah, very odd. The, I will eat. You know, if you're eating a pear and you realize, oh, I can eat all of this. Can you?

Yeah, yeah. There are some pairs that you can basically, you go, there's no, I can just keep eating it. There's no sine you. Exactly. There's no sine you. I can just keep going. That I'm into. I don't eat from.

I don't even have a pair. I can't imagine. The callless pair, yeah. That is feel sick. So you just keep going and then you just go out of the other side. Yeah, like a very hungry caterpillar, yeah. I just appear out of a pair. It's all smooth.

It's just all juicy. Sorry. Yeah. Wait, and your one who feels sick. Hang on a sec. Yeah, it's all juicy smooth, bulbous, smooth. Yeah, is it juicy? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just moist, juicy smooth. I wonder, yeah, the whole apple in front of you, you knew what you were into? Well, so juicy smooth, bulbous, bulbous. God, calm it down, we're in a lecture. Time hornyo for fruit. Can't stop. What about the stalk?

I'm not eating the stalk. Of course I'm not eating the stalk. Oh, thank God. I'm going all the way through. The stalk. The bit on the bottom? Yeah. Oh yeah, the little butthole.

The little butthole. Yeah, I'm not eating that. Okay. Maybe it's very smooth. If it's very sweet, if it's very neat. Do you know? It's very neat butthole.

I'm pretty noticing it. Yeah. What's the phrase when you go to those restaurants and they go, nose to tail? We'll cook it nose to tail. Or we need it nose to tail. I do the vegetarian option of nose to tail. What's that?

I'm eating p.S. What's that? Is that what you mean like the fish's eyes and it's fins? Yeah. like, and we cook, it's balls. They don't say that, but it's like nose to tail. It's, I've got heard of this before. Nose to tail dining where you're

eating every, every part of the cow. Every bit of it. You're eating the marrow. It's beefs. You're eating the humus. You're eating the head. The stomach lining. It's pause. I don't know. Nose to tail is very rarely a little tabby cat.

Yeah. That's awful. Yeah. All good. No, it's good. It's good. I'm 118 because you are utilising it all. You're not just like, yeah. I just imagine, yeah, that they just bring the whole animal. No, for the dessert, bone cake. Oh, no, not bone cake.

This is my fourth bone cake this week. Oh, God. This is the worst birthday ever. This is a juicy smooth. Pass the paws. A couple of cats' paws think that your bone cake. It's a very kind of, it's like, it's, you're making the full use of the beast. I get, yeah, I get it.

To be exploited, but explored is it? It's a bit, it is, guys, give him a ball. Yeah, it's to be explored. The whole body's there to be explored, and it's to be applauded, is why it's. Explorid. It's when you think you're going to really like something. I haven't done it yet, but it's to be explored it. I'll tell you, the other things I eat all of,

which is, I think it might be a bit gross. Padron peppers. I'm doing the tops of the Padron peppers. In storks? Yeah, I'm doing the stalks. I've been trying. That's a great example of just being like, why haven't I tried that? The handles.

It's a store. Thank you. That's correct. You were right. I was right. The door knob of the paper. Yeah. Okay.

The handle, that's mental. This is quite exciting to me. I'm like, well, I'm going to do that. I'm going to have a go. Why not? You can't chew them, though, can you? Yeah, you can't chew them? Of course you can chew them.

Is it because they're... I mean, you can't you do an actual door knob? I have. Thank you for that invitation, by the way. Thank you. Well, cross by about coins at university to show off. What? Yeah, that was a bad news.

What happened? There was a girl in my primary school that did that. Yeah, primary school is the key phrase that. I was like, I was like 22 or something. Yeah, it was bad. Yeah, like about 30 p and change. No, 1.20 in change. 1.20 in change.

How much change we're talking? So I think it was, no, there was a 20p in there. That's, yeah, it's jagged. Is it back in the day when they were slightly bigger as well? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm odd. Oh, yeah. Shilling and pounds. This coin was a 20p biggest.

I think, I, I think, well, I think it was, I think it was, there was a 20p, I think it was 20p, I think it was 20p, they might have been bit of pound coin in there as well. To me it was £1.30, but basically my friend could do this, this amazing trick where he would have a coin in his hand and he would slam it down so hard on the table that it would shoot across the table and go under his other hand but it was just all he was doing was just slamming it down really fast yeah and he would be like where's it gone it's over here and uh and so i was like i've got a trick for you where's it gone and they're like oh did you eat a coin i was like yeah and then i was like i didn't feel like it had gone as well as i wanted it to

you've got to do a call back so i was like where's it gone and the third time i was like oh and if I was like please it was like where's Matthew gone hospital

well you say hospital Tom stuck into his room at the towel and a torch little extraction

he pushed my deposit he pushed my foot so hard they just popped right out I gave out like a fruity

he goes but yeah so then I had real internal pain for a week. Oh, really bad.

Did you pass it? But yeah, but then, but I had to know that I had. Yeah, so it was a bad. There's a lot

yet to go rummaging. So I was, what I was doing was, I was doing it onto my hands. No, no. Toilet paper. Okay,

okay. It's like, that's the worst part. Sorry. Like a catcher's myth. But I was supposed to right. Right.

Right. Okay. On my hand, right. Okay. I was doing it onto my hands. And then I was,

and then I was wrapping it up, swaddling it like a baby. and then I was dip-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dd-d-dd-d-ddddddddddd to it to feel if anything there's any give to it. To check it wouldn't come out. I know. I know. It's extraordinary, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

I feel like my whole body's got to sleep. And the worst thing is, it came out with interest, didn't it? It came out as £2.60. I have to re-invest, sadly. Honestly. Give it a quick rinse. Yeah, I've started swar on Bitcoin now. You know, you've got to...

They call him the icer. But have you done that? So now, isn't it, so now, like, when you have to, if you've got a problem, a digestive problem, and you have to send a sample, have you ever had to do that? Am I worried that there's going to be coppers in it? No, I just think you're, no. It's going to look like a picky pudding.

Yeah. No, I just think you've got a head start. Like, you know how to do, I had to do that once. Where they make you fill the toilet bowl with paper. Have you to do it that way? No, they just sent me a thing. And a tiny test tube and we're like, send us back. With like a little spoon in a little spoon.

A tiny spoon. I was like I know when you just look obviously just go blank and it was like well I don't know how to get to get that in there I don't I don't know how to do that um and I'll never do that size yeah yeah like how and then I'm like a monster yeah and I also thinking like what can I do it in and then they suggested to put like a cling film over the that's a prank yeah just prank yourself definitely does say but all you could try doing cling to like yeah prank yourself um for a bit of fun and then send us a sample but the Actually, asking you bit lying.

But yeah, I ended up, I'm having to find something to do it in because I didn't know what to do. And anything I could find was like, you know, there's like an old El Paso plastic inserts for little taco boats. I mean, when you first, when you first started talking about it, I was like, please don't tell me you did a shit tortilla. The results going back. That would have been way bad because the tortilla's got giving it

and it's organic matter to be flushed out. I was holding this plastic insert, like, oh, I want to burn it. Like, I'm going to, like, I'm going to set fire to it. Like, Adam had a, like, was recording me without me knowing in the voice, not, like, voice. Okay. Because I was just screaming in the bathroom going,

let's go, it's in, it's in. No, I don't know, we've got screaming it. Scream! What do I do with it? Like, it was just horrible. It was like the first time he was a bidet. He also, like, um, this is like a month ago.

I was just going, oh! Oh! And he's there doing a field. recording he's just doing a recording he now knows whenever i'm going into the bathroom to do something interesting or not just the normal business he will just record it to him i've my mom because i will be screaming did the old alpaso container affect the results though like isn't it was more mexican than you yeah because your bowels are fine but your a 5 said mexican it's like the lineage test they rarely do it with with shits though

do they do i know oh no oh no you're right of us helps the back. I've got to make a few calls. 23 and me. Who do you think you are, though? People shitting. Just number two of me. This week it's Sue Perkins.

There's a tough way, Sue. Just to take the Tupper away, and we'll tell you if you're ready to head with the eighth. Welcome to Poo do you think you are. Oh, man. Oh, boy. It did affect things in one way is that I genuinely now don't want to eat old El Paso

anymore. That is true. It's done that. Oh, we should do our ad read, by the way. This episode is brought to you, the good people are old El Paso. Wait until you old El Paso I tried to make a cat, like a spider web of toilet roll.

That's what they suggested. But you tried to catch it mid-aird in the air, yeah. Yeah. I got a bob top and then you went around and looped in. Like a bin. He wasn't doing it like you sleep from the other side of the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You did a double snouter and then trying to show it the toilet.

But in hindsight, right, just shit in the bath? No. No, I don't know. No, no. No, no. Okay. I'll tell you what, in hindsight, let's not a shit in the bath. That sounds so app.

Great. I thought that as well. I was thinking, don't shit in the bath, everyone. Worst bit of hindsight I've ever heard. Hang on, no, no. Imagine coming out of any experience and that meet you take your head. it's a dry bath that's not irrelevant

like totally irrelevant it would be a really tough thing to go you go down to hell at hotel reception there's a little bit of hindsight in my bar can I get a different room maybe it's in my family

I've tested the DNA it's all in my jeans well that's another problem okay okay fair enough in hindsight I mean, you should do it on the floor. I thought we'd get a lot of agreement going there, but it turns out.

I mean, it's, yeah, it's, it's, it's not the worst idea. Toilet paper in the toilet is obviously the one you should do. Yeah, I'd certainly say. I'm embarrassed that I didn't think of that. I went to the kitchen and went, what shall I shit into? How can I go, I look at the kitchen and see what am I doing? Hi, it's Morgan from off the shelf, and I'm here to tell you about Paramount Pictures, new movie Regretting You, a film adaptation of Colleen Hoover's best-selling book, Regretting You.

If there's anything I love more than an adaptation, it's an adaptation that's going to make me feel something. And with Josh Boone, yes, the director of the Faltonar stars, at the helm, I'm ready. Between the first loves, secret relationships, and second chances, I am prepared to be going through every single emotion. This film also has a stacked cast starring Alison Williams, Mechanic Grace, Dave Franco, Mason Fames, and so many more.

Go see Regretting You Only in Theatre's October 24th. That is quite exciting thought exercise, isn't it? What are you going to shit into? If you had to shit into something, what would it be? Yeah. Go, you've got 20 seconds.

In this room, go, in this room, go. Immediately, I'm thinking, scented candle. I just, I saw that immediately. I thought, you know what? It's got a good girth on it. It's got a good girth of it. Yeah.

It's kind of shaped a bit like a toilet. It's deep. Very small toilet, yeah. Perfect for me. It'll neutralise any odours. Exactly. This is what's great about it. I think a bowl.

Isn't there a lot to be said. I think now that I've been a parent, there's a lot to be said about, just into your hand and then wash your hand. There is always washing. Do you know what we're on the, we're on the cusp of is washable toilet roll. Oh, sustainable?

sustainable yeah so you it's like a series of flannels like in Rome when they had the kind of the sponges and they would all have communal toilets then they would all use each of the sponges on a stick I guess so yeah it's that ancient Rome yeah you've come a long way you're not now not modern day Rome obviously you wash it with your aqueduct yeah yeah obviously just whip it through the aqueduct but I think that's what we're going to do and it's like it's a it's a series of small flannels but surely it's the toilet should shoot water and give you little enema after you back on the bed I'd say, I'd say the bidet. I've invented the bidet again. Right, off and off again. And you didn't enjoy the bidet by the side of it. No, because you have to transfer it too much, I can't tell. I can't.

I'm still talking. Whenever I go on any podcast, I seem to talk about shit. I don't know why. No, but I will, I will. So the idea of, but I will because I think you love it. I must, I must. I'm okay, fine, I will. Talk of people want.

But the, it's the transferring to, from the toilet to the bid day. Yeah. Like, well, what's the bit where you go, well, this is ice is gold. too far i'm gonna have to bring in the big boys the big boy bidet it's like when when do you go like oh now it's bidet time you know yes you do but like but then there's a point where you're just like walking around the bathroom with your i don't know and then and then and then when you've done the bidet it's like we'll send them how do i consulate do i go back to the door flush first and then go to i find the admin quite stressful i can see that shoot the water up so you'd be like oh

like a japanese toilet literally like japanese toilet i've heard about this it will it will spray you and it will dry you and I think that's the future and it's mad that we're not living in it yeah only the Japanese are living in it

yeah yeah but it's expensive right yeah probably what you could like modernise a hand dryer

type thing do you know what you're putting a hand I'm saying like a big dyson ass blade so it's like

we've got to work we've got to work on the name blade I don't think sorry we need to do our other ad guys so it's next to the loo it's like a round thing and you just pop it in and then a blade

shoots out but it's a blade of air right sure I don't want it up blade of air blade of air around oh no that'll just I'll just try your hips like a dishwasher when you see what happens inside a dishwasher and it goes like that yeah yeah the only gig inside Well, again, but it's inside your butt. Oh, we're definitely, right? So, oh, so we've, we've, we've got them installed. You install them at an early age. Yeah.

And you're just like, give me a second. Right. Yeah. Anyway, sorry. Right up. Out again. Just, yeah. I don't think that'd feel awful.

Yeah, I don't want that to be the future if that's okay. Yeah. I'm sorry. But it is. There's something we can do. We have no choice. Zookaberg spoken This is what's happening

This is what's ahead of all of us The current system's mad That we have to say that Yes Yes It is And also I never feel like I've quite mastered it Like

Oh Oh no Oh no What a mistake to me In hindsight Sorry In hindsight I have mastered it Yeah

Yeah yeah You have to say Well, you haven't massed from wiping your own... You go to the bathroom after Tom and you're like... I haven't massed the bathroom. So Tom, you've tried two children, but you haven't taught it trained yourself. Is that what you're saying? Is this like, put your own mask on before you start sorting other people?

You're like stand up to shit. She's on his face. She should say this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say I don't have 100% success rate with wiping. Oh, no. But that's... That's not normal.

No, right, okay. You have to stay at the task until it's done. Until it's done, yeah. Oh, yeah, but does the task sometimes go awry? The task can take a long time sometimes. Yeah. Okay, okay. Okay, I'm scared. I'm scared.

Yeah, I'm scared. Arise a very vague term. But I think, let's keep you keep it vague. I think we should definitely not go any deeper into that. And you should go deeper into it. Very much, Tom's philosophy. be there yeah yeah fair news then fair dudes i suppose so change the subject is it i'm into church what are you doing in that font tom but bidet i say i think bidet yeah you go bidet a bidet did i say bidet you were very bidet oh god no i did very much be day be day i said bidet i think so bade yeah i thought it was

just like two words it's better than bidet like the norman latings have you had I've got a bidet. A bidd it? Have you out got a bidd it? It was always the sign of someone being quite posh if they had a bidet. Yeah. First time I saw one,

I was like, what am I doing with it? Yes. I thought it was like a urinal. I thought it was like, yeah. Yeah, that I used it as a urinal first time because I was like, oh, well, that's, that's what,

surely what that's for. It's better than what is actually for all. Like, that's, you know, wee is better than poop. We is better than poop. I think we could all agree on that. Would we say that? In the comments, guys,

did get in touch. Yeah. I mean, they're ranked themselves, aren't they? Yeah, number one and two. Yeah, yeah. The thing we, because we had a B-day in our house. Oh, okay. When I was growing up, we had a B-day.

Oh, Christmas tree presents over there. It was, yeah, it was, we had a B-day, and it was very fun to just, like, you could, you could spray. Because if you weren't sat on it, it sprayed across the entire bathroom. Yeah. And that was our thing, was just, like, spray in the mirror and stuff. It was good. It was great.

Do it? I've done that. Yeah. Should we do it again? Yeah. We'll wait for the mirror. We sit there. We'll watch the mirror dry.

Do we again? We're doing it again. We ride at dawn. But yeah, it was, it seems like one of those things where the thing with the, the thing with, the thing, when you flush a toilet, right, it's all pretty contained. Apparently it's not. Oh yeah. Yeah, thank you. And it shoots out all over there.

Yeah. Crucially, we can't see the plume. You can't see the plume. And that's fine. As long as we can't see it, I'm totally fine. I feel like Tom can see the plume energy. Tom's more plume than that. You've got visibility on the plume.

We got new rules in. Plume rules. Plum rules. Yeah. So, like, probably about a year ago, it was like, you have to shut the lid before you flush the toilet. So if I, if, if Megan comes into the bathroom after me and the toilet seat is up, Right.

I get big telling off. Of course. But there have been occasions where I shut the toilet seat and memory goes, I washed my hands, I leave the toilet. Have it flushed. And I have not flushed. That's bad. Yeah. Yeah.

That's worse. That's worse than a plume, I'd say. Yeah. So let's get the rankings again. It's a wee poo, big old toilet full of shit that someone did four hours ago. I just want to know. No, plume's high on that. Plume, sorry.

Plum. Yes, yes, yes, it's we, poo, plume, they got toilet full of shit and someone did four hours ago on a hot day. Yeah, that's it. Because the other thing, and the thing is, if you go down this route, there is madness.

And we have. Yes. But the other thing is, you're keeping your toothbrushes in there, guys. This is a thing, yeah. You're keeping your toothbrushes, right? That's it. You know, the toothbrushes are right next to the toilet.

You know, I mean, I keep on the system. Some of the seats. Bounce on the handle. I clean the toilet with. them yeah they're straight in the gum no but they they they're close by right yeah i'm not living in such a palatial house that i've got my you know a cupboard in your bathroom i've got a cupboard in my house don't live in a palace have a cupboard in my bathroom yeah i understand i had my two listen if i had my toothbrush in the cupboard i'd never brush my teeth yeah that extra step

what is it with you and not being able to see things nor do things that are if i don't see him i'm not But I leave a cupboard I will leave a toilet full of shit In our house Game Changer toothbrush is in the kitchen Yeah What?

I agree with that Where the sink is for food And stuff that you eat Of course Not wearing your shit Why do we keep them in the bathroom As a people? Yeah

Not in our house And most mornings We're brushing our teeth The kids are Certainly downstairs It's like the last thing you do Before you leave the house You have your breakfast

You're not going back upstairs That's a whole other But at flip side We do shit in the kitchen as well Well look That's a bit of a problem You've got a big bath In your potting and shit in haven't you?

It's like inside isn't it Everybody shits in the cauldron At the end of the week We make a big stew Um yeah So There is just to draw a line under this chat Yeah can we

Yeah Something that my wife has discovered We're party training at the moment So there is a lot of we going on In the house and if you don't deal with we for a few days then it really does mature as an aroma

Tom can I just tell you this is not a fact that anybody doesn't already know if you're pissed on the floor and leave it for a few days it stinks is that what you're saying Tom you're talking like your you're talking like your fucking truths about the world this is no that is it's your second child as well So you're your first child.

It is a kicker. After the three-day stench comes a further maturing that actually becomes quite enjoyable. Oh, no. This is like when people say, oh, I don't wash my hair, it starts to wash itself.

Yeah. No. So after the initial three-day pong, the maturing can get to a scent that is actually pretty pleasing and that my wife enjoys. Can I just say, Tom? I can't believe you thought

that was going to draw a line under it. I'm never staying in your house ever again. I have so many questions. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I'm just talking like as in it's like you've plugged in a little plug and go blade or something. As in to the untrained nose, it's like, oh, what's that scent? Oh, it's five-day old piss. Christ.

It's cheaper. It's sustainable. Telling you, man. Is it sustainable though? In the grand scheme of dance, is it sustainable to have a child pissing all over the place all the time? And you go back to ancient Rome that you love so much. Ancient Rome that you love so much, have arranged to wash their clothes in piss? So the smell of ancient Rome is...

Did they wash their clothes in piss? I'm not 100% sure. What is this? The rest is history? I wish it was. You know, an ancient Rome They had those things around their head That was a load of shit that one

And give a load of shits And make them into a little laurel wreath And stick around there Isn't that right? I'm pretty sure that I'm going to say Yes, they washed their clothes in piss I have heard something like that I think

I heard of him Tom Yeah Just now Well anyways Much to think about So much to think about Mainly coming from you Yeah

Three absolute Profundities I'd say There's so much to not think about as well. There's so much to sort of try and block out of your mind. We've covered it all over. We've got nose to tail with him. Yes.

There we go. What a treat. What a treat to be joined by Stevie Martin. And yeah, sorry for putting you through so much poop talk, Steve. Tom, are you comfortable telling the audience? And don't worry if you're not, we can always chop this bit out. But are you comfortable telling the audience the interaction you had with Adam Richards about about our podcast as a whole.

Well, Adam, Adam always ribs me for saying, well, what you do is the three of you just sit around on a big sofa and you get girls along and it's just your way of being able to talk to girls and kind of hang out and grub around on the sofa and spread your legs. And I got a text from him saying, my wife, question mark, my wife on your sofa. and we're going to have him on soon on our Halloween flat slam

but he hasn't made it to the sofa he's not yet made it to the sofa but then we you know this is the problem when you're only booking one guest you want to book a girl otherwise you're not booking any girls right yeah you don't need you don't like and also we know Adam Richards he's an alpha we don't we can't handle it

We simply can't handle it in car. You know, there would just be, that sofa would just burst into flames from all the testosterone. Well, Clark, he has a rule, doesn't he only one alpha on his sofa at any one time? Clark, he's very, he's very strong about that in his alpha way. It's like an improv game. It's like that standing, standing sitting, healing game. It's like, it's like a nature documentary. It's like that, that sofa is covered in his scent.

And if another alpha comes along and starts to spread their scent on that sofa, he reacts in a very volatile way he has no control over that which is why our next guest episode will be steve be jea no threat there the boogey if anything is is absorbing the scent off the sofa into his own body steve after it said listen it's great being on the podcast any chance i can lick the sofa the sense tv himself steve bujia we'll look forward to that but yes in a few weeks time yes yes indeed oh and by the the way, I think if you're listening to this on the Patreon, it will be tonight. Tonight will be the night. If you're listening to it on the Patreon on the day it comes out, tonight is the night

that we are going to be live on stage at the Bedford in Ballard. Fine pub. Come along. Adam Riches as Sean Bean, Alison Spittle, appearing as herself. It's a Halloween special. Get your fancy dress costumes on and we will see you there. Ah, cannot wait. Have you got your costume sorted yet, Crospo? I've got to order it today, man. I think I know what I'm going to do, though. I think I know what i'm going to do but i've also got to i've also got to come i've got to come directly from a a thing yeah and that thing is therapy so i don't know if i can show up to therapy dressed as dressed as a mummy yeah i mean i'll be talking about my mummy

and i've got to come from a thing and that thing is caught so you know i mean Right, well, we look forward to seeing what we can achieve next week in Fancy Dress. Thanks for listening. I look forward to what we can achieve in Fancy Dress as well. What realm of fancy dress? Yeah, go on, sorry. Oh, I can say as well, by the way, guys, the tickets for the Christmas show, almost forgot to tell you. An exclusive.

An exclusive, exclusive, exclusive, exclusive, that the 20th of October. is when the tickets for our Christmas show go on sale. If you want, yeah, if you want to, if you want to get to the Patreon, the Patreon will be the place, I think they're going to go on sale first, and then they're going to go on general sale the day after. So yes, get yourself over to the Patreon, and it's going to be a really, I'm not going to tell you the guests are, they are a, they are a couple already. They share a flat, so, it's a hot ticket.

It's going to be a, it's going to be a festive, it's going to be a festive treat. The show is going to be on the 8th of December, but the show is going to be on the 8th of December, but the tickets are going to be on sale on the 20th of October and that will sell out. So get yourself to the Patreon, grab your tickets early. Amazing. Today's episode is produced by a caution. Cautium team.

Cheers everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Hi, it's Morgan from off the shelf and I'm here to tell you about Paramount Pictures, new movie Regretting You,

a film adaptation of Colleen Hoover's best-selling book, regretting you. If there's anything I love more than an adaptation, it's an adaptation that's going to make me feel something. And with Josh Boone, yes, the director of the Faltonar stars, at the helm, I'm ready. Between the first loves, secret relationships, and second chances, I am prepared to be going through every single emotion. This film also has a stacked cast starring Alison Williams, McKenna Grace, Dave Franco, Mason Fames, and so many more.

Go see Regretting You Only in Theater's October 24th.