Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1538 How close is too close to a lollipop lady?

Episode Date: October 21, 2025

What are the perks of being a babysitter? Does a rat ever stop being a rat? And would you stay the night in a fake Grandad’s house?Our Christmas Flatshare Slamdown show is now on sale. It's happening at the Underbelly Boulevard in Soho on December 8th WITH SPECIAL GUESTS NISH KUMAR & AMY ANNETTEThis will sell out quickly so DON'T DELAY, grab your tickets HERE TODAY!Follow us on:YouTube: youtube.com/@pappysflatshareInstagram: instagram.com/pappyscomedy/TikTok: tiktok.com/@pappysflatshareFacebook: facebook.com/PappysFlatshare/And X: twitter.com/pappystweet Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Gro ho-ho-ho-tings, listener dear. We've got some news. Yeah, the first news is we're trying to get the word groatings off the ground. That's a little seasonal greeting. That's news number one. The second bit of news is that our Christmas show is now on sale. That's right. The Flat Shared Slamdown Christmas special,

which will be at the Underbelly Boulevard, the Underbelly Boulevard, December the 8th is on sale now. Pappiescomedy.com forward slash live for tickets. Tell us who the guests are. Two incredible guests. We have real world couple, Amy Annette and Nish Kumar. Oh, groatings to the both.

Susan's Groatings. We can't like to groat them. It's going to be. Susan's Groatings in Santa's Grooto. Susan's Groatings on the piano. course in santa's grotto it is going to be a christmas fest um so get down to the underbelly boulevard get your tickets online today yes that's right yeah yeah yeah you don't have to by the way be at the venue to book your tickets online let's just not confuse the the audience anymore than

they need to be so yeah you can book them online and then after that once you've got your ticket confirmation you can come to the venue which is the underbelly boulevard in a London's glittering Soho. Yeah, this sold out really quickly last time. So I would advise you to act fast, think fast, get online. Pappiescom.com forward slash live for your tickets. We would love to see you there. It's going to be a hell of a grope.

Greetings, listener dear. I'm Tom. Hi, Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to a very exciting episode of Pappy's Flatshare. Woo! It is an exciting episode. It's one of those old classics where the three of us sit around and give you some first rate jibba jabber. Absolutely right.

Absolutely right, Tom. We should say now, Tom, Tom is recording in a hotel room. He's recording without a pop shield and he is talking through a, is that a, have you got a gardening glove? A glove? Is that what? Yes, it is. It is a gardening glove. You've got to have a gardening glove.

But you're talking through a gardening glove in lieu of a pop shield. And I can say the quality is fantastic. Thank you. It's absolutely wonderful. I think what we need to do in future is have, just have a, permanently a gardening glove over your microphone. I've got a voivier mouth.

Volvic bottle, mic stand, boxing glove pop shield. Gardening glove. You are, you are absolutely the, do you say boxing glove? Oh, ow, ow. Ding, ding, ding.

You can listen. Is that? Can I just ask, are you staying in a hotel because you're currently doing gardening glove boxing in the car park of a holiday inn? Is that what's going on? Pays the mortgage, Matthew. It does.

It certainly does. You saw that Guy Ritchie movie and you never looked back. And listen, guys. You just thought, this is the life for me. If you do want me to gardening glove box your dad or your uncle, then get in touch. And for the right,

For the right patron tier, I will meet them in a car park near you. For your entertainment, we will go at it until one of us is mildly hurt, actually. Listen, if you come to Tom with a second cousin, then I'm afraid he's not boxing them, but if you've got a dad or an uncle, he's going top tier extended family. He's going to help for leather. He will absolutely give them a pummeling. He will give them an Alan Titchmarsh style pummeling. gardening gloves on and

straight to your uncle's mush. One of my dad friends is on, he claims he's on social media purely because he likes watching Traveler call out videos where they call each other out to fight and I feel like I just did my own. I mean, I don't partake in,

I don't think I've ever watched even one but it feels to me like that was what I just did. You're just able to do it word for words. I mean, that feels like, you know, I'll meet your dad or your uncle in a car park with a gardening glove. It felt quite, it felt good, actually. I can see the appeal.

What I like about it is in those videos, they're normally asking someone specific, but you're just asking for dads or uncles. The problem is, what if the person who you call out says, no, I don't want to do it? I'm not interested. You've got to throw your net a little bit wider, and that's why it's all dads, all uncles.

Nominate your dad, nominate your uncle. Tom will meet them in a budget hotel car park and will beat them. Crucially, they do need to have their own gardening gloves. he's not providing the gloves what kind of you know no one's showing up to a boxing match without their own gardening gloves right

that's just not in 2025 surely they're not being provided by the by the hotel you'd be laughed out of the car park again exactly well anyway folks this was a this was a tremendously fun episode

to do because now how long have I known you Clarkie how long have I known you very long time we're talking over 25 years I've known you Tom even longer my God Tom has known you for probably about 35 years possibly even longer than that

and and we had a new but I'm only 32 anecdote from your I know it's mad isn't it Tom's doing this amazing thing where instead of contouring he's just holding a gardening glove over his face

and no one knows his age it makes me very coquettish I'll never tell did they used to drop they used to drop a glove to begin a fight isn't that how you know the lady oh

no it's throwing down the gauntlet isn't it throwing down the gauntlet yeah of course hey mate if an uncle turns up with a gauntlet you're done for me even if he even if it's just one

the ones they use in falconry. You're still absolutely screwed. But they throw down the gauntlet and under the gauntlet is their gardening glove. Right. And then smush-wish-mush. Beneath every night is a gardener. That's what they used to say. What happens, that's what they used to say. That's why you're kicked out the chess club, isn't it? But yeah, so Tom would throw down the glove. The uncle would say, bloody hell, you look older than I assumed you were. Tom would get riled up and that would give him the juicy he needed to pummel that guy's face. You're not 32. So anyway A brand new anecdote

All About Clarkie This was wild A shocking revelation I love these episodes We had one a couple of weeks ago If you haven't heard it already Where Clarkie told us about How he was like spying on his neighbours

In a Let's face it Quite a legal way Less fun Less fun that one Less fun that one But this one There's less

There's fewer crimes going on And if there was a crime going on, Clark is very much the victim, not the perpetrator. So anyway, enjoy this episode. Pop on your listening gloves and enjoy this episode. And we'll have more on the other side. Papi's Flat Shed. Talk about whatever. Papi's Flat Shed.

How we've been doing this forever? Papi's Flagshare. But we don't really live together. Happy Splashire. Yeah. Me and Tom had a very exciting moment last night. It was, right? It was great.

Oh, great. Can I ask? Was it the moment when I left the pub? You were like, finally, we can relax. We don't have to hear any more of his anecdotes. We were waiting on the side of the road for our Uber. Yep. Lovely.

And this guy ran up to us and was like, can you help me? He was joyful. He had a big smile on his face. Oh, that's a good, can you help me, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it turned out, yeah, he did. jumped out of a bus and he was the bus driver

and he was like when you said jumped out of a bus I was thinking top deck and moving yeah top tech and moving that's how it sounded and I was there's Jackie Chan so he jumped out of a bus

jumped out of a bus we hadn't seen that he stopped his bus he was a bus driver he stopped his bus fortunately he had stopped the bus he hadn't he hadn't sort of

whatever you call it tuck drop and roll or whatever Yeah, or the ghost riding the whip? Remember when people did that when they get out of their car and kind of dance alongside it? Oh, that's right, yeah, yeah, you dance along and then you hop back in the car, yeah, yeah. I didn't think what a bus driver was doing it.

Oh, my God. Can you help me? Can you help me? Can you film this for TikTok, please? Doing that dance alongside it. No, I don't know about that. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, hey, we all know what we're talking about here, yeah. Anyway, so... The number 43 bus is delayed. The driver was ghost riding the whip. So he jumps out, he says, can you help me? But he's really beaming. He's beaming. He's like, I need to reverse around the corner.

So then me and Tom, like, absolute ledgers, had to stand in the road directing traffic. That's great. Reversing a bus. So does he need somebody... If he turned into a closed road, off a busy road. Realised the road was closed

and he was like, right, I've got to go back out and then off I go. So he was like, I'm going to need you two to back me out. And it's the best part of his day. Best part of our day.

Best part of our day. Best part of our year. And he jumps into this bus and we're there and it's like, I'm doing this. Yeah, he's doing that. What you're doing two different hand gestures.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tom's, he crashed. We're giddy, we're giddy. Tom's indicating go, go back. You're indicating going a big circle. No, go back and do. And let's lock or, yeah, stick it around.

And bring it back. We're working as a team there. And I'm also doing that to oncoming traffic. No, and no right there. Stopping oncoming traffic is so fun. Right. It's great. Yeah.

You realize, there's a point of your life when you realize, oh, like, you don't have to be a special person to stop traffic. Like, you can just go and stop traffic. Right. Yeah. I mean, you shouldn't. Yeah. I don't necessarily agree with the second part of that. Because I think just walking out, I think you would be quite a special person

if you're like, what you're going to do to say? I'm going to stand in the road and ruin people's commute. He stops traffic. Yeah, because when I have to walk the, you know, they ask for parent volunteers to walk the kids back from the field to the school. Oh, yeah. That's the best bit is when you get to go and stand in the middle of the road. Okay, school kids crossing here, you put your hand up. The thrill of the lollipop person.

The thrill of the lollipop person, exactly. What a, what a career. It's such a good job. Yeah, it is, isn't it? It really is. I was, I loved my lollipop lady so much. Yeah. And I once had, I went, let's take a second on.

I love my lollipop lady so much. Let's explore, let's explore this relationship. Before we get to the anecdote about the one time that happened, why did you love your lollipop lady so much? Just what was it about your lollipop lady? I was very young at the time. Right. Sure. But just every time.

I'd give like a have a cuddle and have a chat or whatever while she was at work yeah that's unprofessional that's unprofessional not in the road never in the road she wouldn't stop the traffic bring you over cuddle you and then let you go the rest of the way no that wasn't happening I think that's oh yeah I had a very affectionate relationship with my lollipop lady as well yeah I couldn't understand that yeah she's vividly jumped back into my mind Yeah

like a driver off a bus And there was that one time She vividly jumped in front of a lorry And stopped it Yeah, no exactly Very, they're very affectionate people Yeah, I think there is that That relationship

There's something about it Well there was two, we had two Very affectionate, quite cold So you had Good lollipop, bad lollipop Yeah Yeah, yeah we did Yeah, good pop bad pop

Yeah It was So like the first half like the southbound cracking, really good chat and then the second one and maybe it's because she was a little bit further away

from the school so you don't really get the warm greeting them at that moment but the second lane lollipop lady was cold so there was one who was just on the main road on the way to the school

and there was another one who was right by the school no dual carriageway oh wow for one carriageway one for the other busy road that is extreme lollipopping doing on a dual carriageway right yeah because our lollipop lady

just had to do standard road not your carriageway do you need them I would say statistically probably yeah you're going to ask the questions

yeah you know what if you hadn't asked the question we wouldn't have the answer the answer the answer is yes we do he's coming he's coming

he's here to make slashing cuts he's looking to make this as an efficient place as possible this is doge this is doge do we need them

yes okay actually fair enough well better than doge is that how Is that how you would do? If you had to go into sort of, if you had to work in a town council, right?

Yeah. You'd go into each department and say, are your jobs necessary? And if they said yes, next department. Yeah. I think that's very fair. You'd be popular.

You'd be as popular as a little cuddle. Little cuddle everybody. And then you'd move on. Carry on. And then you'd move on. Yeah. Can we not tell you. Stop what you're doing.

Are you important? Carry on. I'd feel great. Yeah. I'd feel great to it So did you Do you remember Parting Ways with your lollipop?

No, I don't But I do I stayed at her house once Hang on Which was gonna be the She's only supposed to guide you across the road Not into her gingerbread cottage I stayed in her house once

And she kept me in this little cage And every day she was very blinded woman Every day she'd check my finger To see if it was fat enough to eat Give me a few more lollipops I don't remember parting ways her, but I do remember pushing her into an oven. How did you get into her house?

Why? Did she know you were there? I can't remember because it was, she was probably just babysitting me. But it was kind of sold to me as like, you're going to go stay with your friend. So it was like, this is really weird.

It's quite weird. It's really weird. How long were you there for? A night, I slept over. You had a sleep over at your lollipop ladies' house. Yeah. What? wait no this is mad were there was the lollipop lady because they're often like a parent aren't they

you know of of uh of someone at a kid at the school do you remember there being anyone else there was it there was that no i remember her husband being there and i remember him being very grumpy and i don't think he was into the hell's this kid of course why have you got a kid to sleep over at the house in our bed and it's they had a spare route this is so and were you with any brothers or sisters No, just me. So where we're... They were back at the house. Yeah, like...

So your young sister, your two older brothers, they're all... I don't think so. So you just went to sleep at your friend's house and it was your lolly pop. Yeah. And they told you, you didn't ask. What's going on? What's going on here? I don't know if maybe I'd been like, you know, can I stay at your house?

Yeah, but yes, yes, yes, for the whole thing. Yeah. But the answer is always... Yes, of course you can. and then no, it never manifested but why... Oh, that's what you do. What?

Hang on. This is odd. You asked to state your lollipot. I can't remember that. I can't remember if I'd asked. But that's what I assume now I must have done. Because otherwise would you?

We need to get to the bottom of this. You need to talk to your parents. We need to call Alan Louise. Right there. And I feel like, yeah, I feel like we may need to do it now. I think so. I feel like, can we get them on the blower? Because we need to.

talk about what's going on with what are the because it can't be that your mom and dad we're away and they need your babysitting else your brothers and sisters would have been there yeah unless they had somewhere else to go but then that's also weird they're not they're not they didn't send three one way or one the other someone's saying with the postman but uh what what what's going uh yeah and you know what I had very close relationships with some of the authority figures in my school right now you know i i've told you before i went for a chinese meal with a teacher who was a teacher at the school but wasn't my teacher famously famously i went for dinner is this weirder than that yeah yeah it is it is weird than that this is the most weird one

oh no um is there anything i can say that make it less weird you can call your parents and find out what's going on yeah yeah should we pause the recording you going ask you mom and dad and then we'll come back and you can tell us what they've said yeah let's do that okay just do it all right it's pause recording and we're back and we're back hi how did that go uh it was okay like like any interaction with your parents yeah are they well are they doing okay they did yeah yeah well i i didn't ask uh so they answered How much more do you need? Well, you know, I rang both of them

And then on the third attempts they answered Okay, yeah, classic So, yes My mum I said, did I stay at her house And she was like, oh, I don't remember that Okay I was like, ah

But then, as the conversation went on She went, oh, you used to go there, used to go to a house Yeah For like, she'd like kind of babysit you Right, between the shifts I don't

could fully understand I think instead of going to school that explains a lot that well were you homeschooled by your lollipop lady

I think I think I was there and it was taking my brothers to school I think I was too young so I was going with mom and then she'd look after and she was like

oh I was pregnant with Madeline right so she would be like oh he can come to mine and give you a bit of rest. So you would have been about sort of two or three years old. Is that what I say? Yeah, I think it must have been, yeah.

You had a nap? Yeah, probably. That's what happened. You had a nap? But the big thing that I remember is the, uh, her husband, who apparently I'd call granddad, he was watching the big thing that I apparently called him granddad. The weird thing about it was, he was my granddad. Oh yeah, my lollipop lady was my grandma.

Yeah, yeah. grandma. I should have probably should have started with it. Started with that fact, yeah, led with the fact that she's my grandma. So you called this cross husband, the grumpy husband, granddad? Granddad, apparently. I don't remember. Yeah. But he was...

Your mom told you that. That's what my mom told me. Okay. So you were staying yeah, so you were... But I, so I remember to stay, towards the end, she was like, oh, you probably did. Yeah, maybe you did. Stay over there. So you're gaslit your mum

Yeah, yeah, basically Like you too Yeah, yeah But he was watching Indiana Jones and Temple of Doom And I remember that very vividly And that's not daytime watching, is it? That's going to be on television

It's before the days of VHS So you were three And you remember that he was watching Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom Here's what I think I think it was later I think this was, we'd moved away because this was when we were at our first house

when Madeline got born and we moved I think I came back for a sleepover for like, hey, you've not seen him in ages and you were 18 and you brought some DVDs and you said we're having a movie night we're doing the trilogy move up Grandad

we're watching Indiana Jones Was it just when Crystal Skulls came out it's a marathon we're doing the lot we're doing that sheer aboof granddad I'm not your granddad of course you're not granddad

you're not granddad you're not granddad you're silly old duffer yeah who are you again don't worry about all that so you think what as a

I'm not so as a treat they said you can go and stay in your old lollipop lady's house as a treat because you've not seen her for a long time because we moved to a different area.

Yeah, that's what I think happened. And I was like, say, but I was probably like more like five or something like that. What year was in Jenna Jones and the Temple of Doom made? I think it was late in the 1980s. Was it in the cinema? Did you go to the cinema with your lollipop ladies' husband, who you called Granddad?

The Temple of Doom details really put the twist. It's really throwing me. Yeah. It's really throwing me. Because that's not three or, and like if you're five, I'm going to look at it. How do you know that it's in January Jones and the Temple of Doom? Yeah, that's true.

Like, how are you going to? Maybe I'm stitching two memories together there. As a five year old, you're looking at the TV screen. You're going, oh, it's Temple of Doom. Okay. Well, so it's, it was, it came out in 1984, right? Right. Okay.

Okay. So we're saying, let's give it. It's not going to be on telly until. Let's give it, so cinemas, give it a year and a half, right? Yeah, let's give it, two. You'll give it two years to us on this. Two years from, it was made in 1984. Yeah, right.

I don't think it's getting, 186. I'd be five. 86, 87. So you'll, so it checks. Five, six, yeah. This is a wild story to me. As a treat, you've got to go and have a sleep over at your lollipot. It's actually weird now that we find out you didn't even live in the areas.

And it's a couple of years later. Yeah. And you want to. to go and stay with your friend. And your friend was the lollipop lady. Don't look at me like, like, oh. Because I was like, what's the name? Are we allowed to give their name?

Are we allowed to give their name? 30 years. Just the surname. Okay. Mrs. Pugh? Mrs. Pugh. But, Clarkie says, my, my dad. Yeah, yeah.

Other Clarkie, says, you did stay over once. And you stayed over at Mrs. Pugh's house? Yeah. Why? Ask, ask, why did I say, but yeah, ask, ask, that's the question. The big, the big question is, um, mum and dad, why did you allow? Because I, you know, you, the blame's not on you. You were, you were five years old.

Wait, wait, you're slightly, you slightly want to blame the five year old child. I just think the pews were like, oh no, he's back. I could imagine that. A kid from two years ago. I can imagine. And he wants to stay over. She's typing. This is, I, I, I can't wrap my head around it.

It's the Temple of Doop. It was a different time. But it was it different. It was 1987, it's what we've established. Yes. And so it's like as a five or six year old being like, being introduced to, let's be honest, the darkest of the Indyella Jones trilogy. Well, that's, that's.

Well, I think I was ushered. out the room, buy the lollipop. Stop, stop. Come on. Keep moving. Keep moving. Okay, upstairs.

Oh, I think the bluntness of the question has maybe thrown her. My mom started to type and then she stopped. Why did I stay over? Why did you stay over at the lollipop lady's house? That is the crucial question. That's the crucial question. This feels like,

You know, this feels like a podcast series, really, rather than, rather than a single episode. We've got the, we've got the, we've got the crux of the issue here. Yeah. We need to find out what happened. This is a cold case. It's a cold case, exactly. We're reopening the cold case. What happened in 1987?

We need to find out what's the broadcast date of Indiana Jones. We can, we can contact the BBC. Triangulate, yeah. So we're talking, this is nearly 40 years ago now. We're talking about, right? Nearly 40 years ago, are we holding out any hope for the pews to, you know, because something's when you, you know, you see someone that you think they're really, really old, but they're actually just in their 40s.

That's true. Yeah. That's true. And I'm talking about, you guys looking at me. He must be 87, right? But yeah, so they could still be around, but they might not be around. The culminating episode is Ben knocking on their door and they're answering it and going, It's happening again

With an Overlight bag She tries to shut the door You roll through it Grab your hat There are some boldness He could never outrun Wow

Yeah Well what were you going to say About that? Can't remember I mean To be fair That's not on you in any way We did stop the podcast

For about 20 minutes where you went and called your mum and dad I think the main You said I was I was very close to We never even knew the I'm glad we went back to it Yeah, you said I was I was very close to I was very fond of your lollip of your lollipop lady

You said And we just didn't know the half of it Yeah Wow, what a journey Tom Yeah, you're a parents Hello You've got a kid who's

Approximate age to how old Clarky was when you stayed with a lollipop lady Yes You're letting your daughter stay with the lollipop lady No

It's not happy It was a different time It was the 80s You know It wasn't You know Maybe it wasn't quite As

People were a bit more trusting Yeah Maybe that's the case I think so Who are you Yeah I think if she She babysat me as well

So that Yeah Yeah Yeah I don't know man He's not let you know I think Babysitting is a very, it's a very different thing.

Crucially, you're in your own house. And babysitting is not all night, right? You know, if we've got a babysitter, we're coming back, you know, hey, maybe we're coming back at midnight, but that's still, we're only out the house for four or five hours. Have you ever had a, like, have you always had reliable babysitters? Has there ever been like a moment where you're back to the house and you're like, go, why are you sharp in that knife?

I don't know, man. What do you mean? Have you had that? Have you bought that massive lollipops? Have you had that? Well, not like, not like that you don't trust and trust them. It's just like, oh, don't do anything to my house, man. Or like, you know, like, is this person, you know, like in the 80s movies when it's like an 80s movie's babysitter. They're going to throw a party. Have a good night, Mrs. H. Don't worry about the kids. And it's like, oh, no. Yeah, instantly on the phone to the boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah. That kind of thing. It's like, have you always been like complete safe pair of. of hands here.

Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever had? Never had a babysitter. Oh. Will you? I hope so. Yeah.

Because I've got a great recommendation for it. Go and stay with Mrs. Pugh. So I don't particularly know the process. I should say as well, by the way, there's no, we're not, we're not, in kids. You know, when I was a kid, I would, I would babysit sometimes. Oh, I was, you asked that. Did you have a babysit? I don't think I did. But when I was like 17 or 18, so like, you know. Who are you babysitting?

My, uh, my parents, friends from the church, their kids. Right. And what was your vibe? Were you cool babysitter? Like, I'm going to jazz up bedtime. I mean, I, you know, I don't think so. I don't remember. Do you watch the Indiana Jones? Well, I don't remember doing like, you know, the. rap from three men and a baby or anything like that i don't know i don't know what no i think i think i think i was very much just you know i'll read you a story right i'll i'll be very engaged but were the kids like yeah matthews a baby sitting tonight like that kind of like no i don't remember

that i don't remember that being the yeah that being the thing and then do you remember having the look around their house little rumble i didn't close my eyes go through a few drawers no i didn't go through their drawers didn't go through drawers no i didn't go through drawers i I remember, I watched the telly, and I, I, I fell asleep. That's the thing I remember. Oh, okay. I fell asleep. Is that the Cardinal sin?

Ideally, the idea is if the kids are the ones doing the sleeping, and you're the one staying awake in case something happens. Yeah. But I did. But surely if something happens, you wake up, right? I'm a very deep sleeper. The thing that I, in my head. I should tell you, I was woken up by firemen.

Is that, is that? The thing that I got in my head is, I, I don't. make a massive sandwich that's i feel like but that's that's just your plans for later on today isn't it yeah you've stopped you stopped thinking about babysitting i feel like my my idea of babysitting when i was 17 would be like they've gone and it'd be like and it said here we go i hope yourself to some i hope you have to things in the kitchen if you get peckish and it'd be like right fucking here we go every single thing what are your massive mayonnaise sandwiches we didn't have mayonnaise We only have mayonnaise in our house,

but it's like in like, especially in like American films. Squeezy mayas. A lot of mayonnaise going on sandwiches. Yeah, yeah. And processed cheese slices. Yeah.

And lettuce. Like, you know what goes to the sandwiches. Yeah. But like, oh yeah, yeah, like a Scooby-Doo. Like a Scooby-Doo sandwich,

salami. Yeah. Like salami. We're talking about a lot of, opening up a lot of different packets and throwing it together. Yeah, exactly. And then you're like jump cut to a picture of me going,

my eye's big over the, like the bread. Yeah, yeah. And then the phone rings and it's like, is everything okay? Yes, Mrs. Jones. I don't know. That bit's not right. Yeah, that bit, can I tell you, Tom?

It's not right. Tom, that bit is not right. I would say, because it sounds like, Tom, it sounds like you're fucking the sandwich. Eyes big over the sandwich. My eyes are picking up the sandwich. The phone rings, yes, Mrs. Jones. It's amazing Samson

Oh, too much mayonnaise. Help yourself to the food to get you. Don't fuck the sandwich, young man. I know what you're like. All right, Mr. Jones. It's a version of American pie. It's a British sandwich. I think I've seen British sandwich.

Not my proudest afternoon And drinking, not from their booze A cabinet, loads of their milk Oh yeah, drinking milk out of the bottle And it's like the big kind of those Big square cart Big square cart with the handles Big four litre

Or a paper, milk carton that you Open that and go glug glug and it's like Oh, Miss Jones Oh Miss Jones! This is an episode of Rising Damp Holmes Jones He's like your milk moustache And he's like You've got milk moustache

And crumbs all over your crotch And you're nod between two loaves of bread Loaves How big sandwich? You've got to trust this guy When he says he's making a big sandwich Slice bread's for pussies I get two

Full loaves And listen It's sour dough it's like sandpapering your dick when you fuck that sandwich oh oh boy that feels like the kind of thing you do it feels like the kind of thing you do me yeah it does it does it does

the other thing as well would be ordering a lot of takeaway that's the other thing you know like the the the Chinese food in the paper cartons yeah I mean, this is what you get from American movie. Yeah, exactly. I know you always ushered out the room whenever American movie was shown.

You wouldn't know. But out you go. Out you go. So American culture. Get him. Get him out of here. Get him out of here. Yeah.

Granddad's got... Granddad's the detail that's really got me. Yeah. You call him granddad. I don't remember that. Miss, Misses Pue and Granddad. My goddaughter is seven. And she's just being given, like,

responsibility. a little bit outside of the house. Yeah. And their neighbours went away. And so she was allowed to go and feed the cat. That's great. Yeah. And so Marco said, look, you go in. There's the cat food.

There's the thing. That's what you do. Come back. Don't interfere or anything. You know, with any of their things, that's your job. And she was like, absolutely. And she came back. And she was like, did it great.

And he was like, great. You can do it again tomorrow. And then the next day when she did it, after she came back, about half an hour he got a text from their neighbours in New York and they had received a picture of Chloe off one of their work iPads that was in one of their drawers in a desk in the study

that she'd accidentally taken of herself looking at an iPad in their study and taken a picture and sent to their email address and it's just this picture of her kind of like just scoping scoping out and it's like absolutely. Absolutely brilliant, fair play. She's a novice, but one of the first rules of burglarising her house is you don't take a photo of yourself.

Yeah, yeah. Massive sandwich in her hand. Milk all over her, just absolutely. Mr. Jones. Have you met Miss Jones? I was like, oh, fair play. That's amazing. It's like, she's in the study.

She's in the study, man. It's fucking Cludeau. Yeah. She's in the study with the iPads. I'm afraid, Professor Plum, you're back in. But it reminded me off. There was a time when you and I were in charge of feeding our neighbor. My neighbor's cats.

And our version of doing that. It's trying cat food. Oh, you ate the cat food. Big sandwich or just... Extra mayonnaise. Let's do something naughty. Let's eat the cat food. Oh, no.

I'm just feel sad now Go on eat it Okay It's gross Yeah let's do the sort of thing That you only have to do When your house is surrounded by the FBI And you're a few

Let's pretend we're in Ruby Ridge It was that or set ourselves on fire Yeah exactly Oh dear Let's eat cat food We had cat food And came back like But I'm like you're okay

And we're like Yeah We get cat food What did you do that for? What did you do that for? Don't ask me why. Have you ever ate cat food? No.

No, fair enough. But here's the thing. I don't think it smells bad, right? Most people think cat food smells pretty funky. You're into it. Yeah. I feel like... Do you go deluxe?

We... Do you buy, like, tuna and... No, I have eaten... Tom, I have eaten tuna. And I have eaten beef. So I wouldn't call those things cat food. I'm not so... Listen, have you eaten cat food by which I mean caviar?

You know the gourmet stuff? Yeah, we have like a kind of sort of vet-approved health food stuff. So it's pretty decent. Is it in a pouch rather than a tin? Oh, good laddie-da. It feels to me like cats can get away with gourmet food more than dogs. Yes, that's very true. element of like spoil your cat yeah and with dogs it's like come on me

it's like two seconds ago we saw you eat your own shit yeah yeah it's like bung them in your chum we'll call it chum you're gonna have this chum it's all this churns got nonsense whereas it's like give them the little and they're like a little sprig of pasta yeah your little angel doesn't it felt like cats can have that kind of yeah they're more yeah they've got that elegant also it feels like they're holding you more ransom with their love so it's like you're kind of desperate for a cat's approval in the way that you're not with a dog. Yeah.

Like the dog's gonna love you no matter what. So you don't, you know, whereas the cat's a bit like, yeah, they're more aloof. Cats are fair weather friends,

aren't they? Yeah, they really are. If your neighbour starts feeding your cat, right? Yeah. And take the photos of themselves on the iPad. But if your neighbor starts feeding your cat,

then that's, you don't have a cat anymore, basically. Yeah, that's it. Your cat will just go wherever the food is. So you're like, well, let's make it really nice food.

We're inheriting a cat currently. Are you? And it's a cat that's already, it's already across two houses on the cul-de-sac. Oh, it's one of those opportunistic cats. So we were told it's owned there, but it lives in there and there.

Yeah. And then... So where it's owned, they don't want to know about it anymore, is that? So, well, no, no. Very popular cat, very friendly cat, too popular, basically. Right.

And ends up just going around the, around the cul-de-sac. Yeah. And it's a male cat, and we don't know it's real name, but when it's in our house, it's a female cat called Lovely. So we have... When Lovely comes, it's like,

Lovely's here and she's wonderful. And we've been told it's a male cat, but we're insisting that it's... The great thing about Lovely is it's a genderless name. Exactly. Yeah. And so there's this kind of dance now of like Lovely has started getting into our house

and that's where I'm trying to draw the line, but also the kids really love that it's around. And I've given it milk. I haven't given it food, but it's like there is... there is a moment where we could go this is our cat where we're going to give you food

and then you can come into the house and then we're kind of renting a cat or taking a cat you're kind of stealing a cat well you're in the beauty parade now aren't you because the cat's going to several different houses but here's the thing about a lot of those cats is they'll eat at every house

so all you're doing is basically expediting its death. That's what you're doing really. You're overfeeding a cat because they just want it constantly eat all the time. But it is weird to me with cats in that there isn't really a rule about it. Like they do have a kind of free for all. Yeah. Like cats will appear place and it's like, oh yeah, you're a cat and you're in my house now.

Whereas like dogs don't get that freedom. You don't go, oh, there's a dog in my garden. of feeding it for a bit. Cats have like they have like a kind of lawless existence. Cats are way more gentle and they're yeah and they are quite sort of nomadic as well aren't they? Well yeah and because they keep themselves to themselves

like dogs are a bit more they're generally bigger and a bit more in your face. Have I told you about Asbo cat? Asbo cat. So there's this cat from a few streets away and it's got this very recognisable collar. It's got like a little box on its collar and it appeared in our garden and attacked my son.

So it's like an, it's like an angry cat. And Jane went on the street WhatsApp and said a cat's just attacked our son. And they said, oh, that's Asbo Cat. We all call him Asbo Cat. They're a problem. And they've attacked several people. And every so often, the WhatsApp group will ping and go, Asbo Cat's on the street. Everyone starts looking out for Asbo Cat.

And it's sort of basically everyone in the panic room. Asbo cats stalks the streets and it's like they've attacked other cats Oh no They've attacked kids They scratched someone's face the other day Has anyone ever sat down with Asbo cat And gone hey

What's this all about? What's this all about mate? So I nearly got it with water It was on our decking Oh I see you spray it with a water pistol Or something like that Yeah it was on our decking So I crept upstairs

and got a big bowl of water. And then I opened the window and just as I he looked up or they looked up I don't know what they are. They looked up and like went and ran so fast that they didn't realize the gate was closed

and just went smack into the gate and bang their head. And I went whoo. And then went off and we've not seen Asbo cat since. So I think I've sent out a clear message. I think you have to stay off out of turf. You really homalomed him. But he is.

They are. Get some micro machines on the day. He also, the detail left house, he dropped a bowling ball and it so as well. And I think we've seen the last of Aspo cats. Tins of paint. Tins of paint clanging together. His face is as flat as a piece of false cap paper.

It's just, yeah, tiring and feathering it was a step too far, I'd say. But again, it's like no one knows where it lives. Cats have a life, man. Yeah. Cats are in a way the kind of the thugs of the street. You know, you rarely see a cat on a leash. Your old neighbor, of course, used to walk a cat on a leash

when you were living in Crystal Palace. Yes. But you rarely see a cat on a leash. It's my favorite corn song as well. Cat on leash. Yeah, so they feel like they're kind of, like we've got an indoor cat. I was going to say, what's your...

Cosmo, indoor cat will go out in the back garden. We'll occasionally hop into the neighbor's garden just to sort of say hello. Yeah. But isn't asking for food. It's just sitting there in the garden, just like looking around, doesn't sort of bother and then comes back.

We feed a local cat, but we feed the local cat when the owners are on a holiday. Because we actually, we're at a similar situation. We got, we got asked to do it. And then you ate all the cat food. You just like the smell. I didn't. Just photos on the iPad of you eating.

I really thought it was the feds outside. It turned out as an ice cream van. I thought that music they were playing was to get us out of there. I can wake go. But so we, we, the reason we're in the, in the mix now, yeah, on our street feeding catty cat, that's the name of the cat, cat. Great name. It's a good name for a cat, isn't it?

Got a little hit the, one of those little hit the stashes as well. Yeah, yeah, which is a bit of, it's a bit of a shame, but you know. Not now, but yeah. Don't tell Azbo cat that. No, no, it's a former, start really embrace, not you. Anyway, so we, we got it because they have a, um, they've got like a, a nanny cam in their house. And the people who were feeding the cat were there all day. No.

Yeah. They were just in the house. Stayed. All day. The kids were there. They invited people round. What? Yeah.

This is great. So they effectively were like, what were kind of house sitting, aren't we? So you come round. They were having to make food. They had friends around. The kids were playing. Lollipop ladies there, granddad. Lollipop ladies there.

Asmo Cat was there with a bag on. Movie marathon. Yeah. They're all, yeah, it was a complete, it was a complete. free house and they were like well well this can't happen that's amazing so now we go in and they've got it's a great little setup they've got they've got two rats love the rats okay they're fantastic a cat and a bunny how is the cat and the rat getting on uh yeah they have to be kept apart obviously there's very much mad to me yeah but well the rats the rats aren't

they're not free roaming rats although there are also we're in london there are free ramming rats as well but these are in a cage yeah so it's fine that the cat's not trying to get into the cage or anything so the cat can be around but when you take the rats out you've got to make sure that the cat's not how are you with rats great i love yeah they're fantastic they're really cute i don't want a rat i've got rodent issues oh yeah but yeah if you've got like a mouse in your we've had we've had mice before in the house you've got a mouse or you're all worse if you've got a rat in your house that's not the same thing if you've got a nice little sweet clean pet rats you know crawling around you they're really cute they're really sweet but rats in the house but at some point aren't they

haven't they got the potential to like fucking rat off be rat they are rats oh yeah they're always rats there's no there's no there's no rat on rat off

they're always they're always rats but what do you mean rat off like go fast and rat you know like suddenly be a rat if they're under the sofa and it's like fuck you know yeah but that's true of any

any pet isn't it if you have any pet you know you're any of your animals can run a rat like you know Cats can run pretty fast and they can run under the sofa and stuff, but you just assume that eventually they're going to come out and get some food. The context of like a rat in a hand is fine, but a rat. Well, it's two in the bush, of course.

A rat in the bush, scary rat. I don't think you're still a rat, aren't you at the end of the day? And it's like, I don't know, at some point are you going to just revert to type and be a rat? Well, I mean, I get it because, like, I don't like spiders. So some people have a pet spider and I'll. I'll still kind of view that as a, I'm not like, oh, nice. I'm like, that's a spider. It's still a spider.

I don't like that very much. But the reason rats are like skitting around all over the place is they're trying to find food. So if you're giving them food, they're not going to run away, are they? It's the same, you know. Well, we had hamsters, and they were mad for running away. They were always get out and get around the Lodipop lady's house. Homing hamsters. Take me there.

boy and going back rats are good at rescues they do they they have rescue rats i'd be so i'd be so disappointed if i was half up a mountain if i was if i was if i was if i was barrow of brandy yeah if i was if i was if i was 127 hours and a actually a rat could bring you through your arm but if i was like if i was if i was up a mountain and suddenly a rat fucking rat might be like come on but they've got a high vis on I'd be delighted by that. And he would say, listen,

I'm just going to go onto your chef's hat and I'm going to lead you the way home. You put this hat on me. Cooking a fucking three-course meal. What's going on here, man? This isn't the stuff.

This isn't what we need. I was hungry, but it's delicious. That moss is absolutely fantastic. And then you cut away and it's just a hallucination. Oh, you're dying of hypothermia.

Yeah. The rat's just chewing. And you're like a, oh, this three-cost meals, God. It's how I'd want to go, I think. It's how I'd want to go. Hallucinating that a rat was cooking me... A lot. Well, it was cooking me some gourmet moss.

We found him. He was smiling. He was frozen to death, but he was smiling. He was smiling. Well, it looked like a smile. His lips had been chewed off. And it was more like this. He died doing what he loved, freezing to death.

Oh, God. Wow, full of revelations. That was like a true crime podcast. It really was. A lesser podcaster would have strung that out over eight episodes. Amen, brother. Listen, let's not rule it out. Let's not rule it out.

I feel like we haven't heard the last of the lollipop lady's story. Clarkie, have you heard any more from your parents? I haven't. They won't pick up the phone. They've not spoke to you since. They've moved house and, yeah. The truth is that your dad ended up in the wrong car park at the wrong time. Oh, no.

He would be able to speak through his thick lips for a while. and he can't text with those gardener gloves on either and listener deers if you do want to get in touch I mean surely you have some burning questions for Clarke after this ep if you do want to get in touch then one of the best ways to communicate with us is to be part of our Patreon community because every Thursday we stick out a podcast

where we read the listeners emails we interact it's a whole fun fair so if you want to get involved with that then hop on to the patron and for just four pounds a month which breaks down at about a pound a week um if my maths are correct then apart from in february of course where it's it works out at 15 pounds a week or something i don't know on no calendar girl tom you were doing so well tom you were doing so well and then you got better i just caught up i kicked into another gear and i love it get along to the patron bung us a quid a week

join the patron community you get a bonus episode every thursday and you get to sleep well at night knowing you've got a warm feeling in your loins that you're supporting your boys on their journey to the grave podcasting so yes

get in touch on the Patreon and get bung us and carry a loss can I just say for legal reasons when Tom says it's a whole fun fair it isn't a fun fair I just have to say I didn't want to pick him up at the time

because he was on such a flow but if you're expecting if you're expecting Walters Dodgums and a helter-skelter, then I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed. Emotionally, you'll get all the most. Yeah. Yeah, it's an audio fun fair.

I'd tell you what, it's a bloody roller coaster though. It truly, it truly is. And your ears have to be this high to enjoy the ride. Woo-hoo-hoo! Okay. Okay, everybody. Well, I think that's the end of the episode. I believe that's the end of the episode.

I think the gloves are off. Okay. down to a car park to pummel where her own face. Just punch your own ears off. Today's episode was sponsored by Lollipop Ladies and produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Cheers, everyone.

Bye. Bye.