Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1542: Holly Burn

Episode Date: November 19, 2025

Holly Burn dishes the dirt on dating apps, how not to seduce a news presenter, and the pitfalls of staying in character for a whole monthHolly Burn - https://www.hollyburn.org.uk/Follow us on:YouTube: youtube.com/@pappysflatshareInstagram: instagram.com/pappyscomedy/TikTok: tiktok.com/@pappysflatshareFacebook: facebook.com/PappysFlatshare/And X: twitter.com/pappystweet Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener here, I'm Tom, I'm Ben. And I am Matthew, and welcome to a very exciting guest episode of Pappy's Flat Share. Absolutely. Today. Sorry. You must. Tom, Tom, you must, you must. Welcome.

Welcome to the show. And Tom, welcome to our sentences. You know what? That was nobody's fault there because I ran that sentence on. You just slowed it right now. As a consummate broadcaster, I will just keep talking until I get interrupted. Absolutely. So a wonderful guest today.

The brilliant Holly Byrne, one of my faves. I think she's just absolutely brilliant. If you're not already listening to her Holly Burns' Dreamhouse podcast, then you should be. It's one of those sort of desert island, but perfect. Perfect House type podcast. It's really, really good. Yeah, very, very good. So you should listen to that today.

But crucially, listen to our podcast first. That's very important. I hate to send people off to other podcasts, you know, 30 seconds to do our own podcast. Yeah. Holly has been a friend and colleague of ours for well over a decade now. And there is quite simply no one else like Holly Byrne in the biz. So you're in for a real treat. Before we get into that, though, if you are enjoying our content and you want to support us.

How do you want to support us on our journey of podcasting to the grade? Yeah. Then you can do that. And how, Ben? Oh, you can join our Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash puppies flat share. Yes, indeed. And for a mere £4 every month, you get so many bonus episodes.

You get a bonus episode every single week. You get early and ad-free episodes. You get the jingle as a single. And you also get early, whatever you call it, the ticket link early for live shows as well. Yes. And you know what? The Christmas show completely sold out, basically, once we announced it on Patreon. So you want to be there if you want to come and see a flagship stand down live.

Yes. And if you want to dip your toe into that audio soup, then you can do that on a seven-day free trial. So it gets a Patreon, sign up for the seven-day free trial, see what it's all about, and then commit for the rest of your life. But until then, enjoy this episode. with the one and only, Holly Byrne. Papi's Flatshed. Talk about whatever. Happy's Flash!

How we've been doing this forever? Papi's Flash! But we don't really live together. Happy Splatchez! Yeah! How are you on recommending single friends? Is it something you do a lot? No, never.

I was asked to do it for the first time the other day, or like at least someone was like sounding out. No, because I'm single. Yeah. So I wouldn't recommend it. There's no funny. You'd instantly just start pitching yourself. What's wrong with me?

I'm right here We're on a date right now What are you doing? Are you merrily single Or are you out on the I mean look I'm nearly 46 Are you 45?

I'm 45 We don't like to reveal Holly's age But she's nearly 46 I could be 21 You could be You could be What's nearly

Yeah How long is nearly? Time's been going For absolutely age Yeah And it will Continue to It moves

Go with mid-40s Don't say nearly 46 Don't push yourself up. Again, I was talking to you guys, sort of, but it's in the pod, isn't it? Yes, it is. Just for the record, this is all going to be in the pod. You know the way we're holding microphones and talking into them? That's, so anything you're happy to go out into the world.

We can't just edit around you the entire episode. The thing is, I'm used to do my own pod and then I can, you know, merrily just hack away at what I've said. Yeah. Well, we tend to just sort of start. I'm going to have to keep storm on. No, no, no, God, it's okay. It's okay. So, am I merrily single?

Well, you know, I'm quite, I think I'm quite an unusual person. And... Can we just get a... What was the noise you made there? I went, no. And then you were like, oh, I can't go home. No one else is making a noise. I'm just active listening, guys.

This is... You nodded into a... I'm quite an unusual person. And I think I'm quite a big character. Oh. And I think... No, no, you've got a person. personality.

I've got a personality. All of these things are positive. Yeah, they are. They really are. They won't get you a commission or a boyfriend, but they're positive. Yes. But, but, and I think I'm quite independent

and sort of do my own thing. Yeah. I think all of you. Well, of course, I haven't got a boyfriend to do with it. Or a commission. You've got no choice. Necessity is the mother of invention. So what I'm saying is, yes, I've mostly been very happy.

But sometimes I'd like somebody to put the bins out. And I'd like someone to do the editing. You know, both counts. So you kind of want staff. If that's, you said it, Tom. You said it. That's bloody too much to ask for. I think of an agent, really, isn't it?

Without meaning to pry, are you on the apps, as they say? Occasionally, I mean, honestly, you've never had to be on the apps, haven't you? No, no, no, no. You're talking to three guys. I know who I'm talking to. Three guys who were never on the apps. Exactly. I got my girlfriend through Semaphore.

It's that long ago. You guys just had to stand on stage and it was all done for you. I think, I mean, you all took your tops off. You all made it. You had your own app. You did see what it looks like when we take our tops off that. I was going to say abs, not abs, but that is absolutely not true. Absolutely not true.

As a woman, I think, I mean, I hate to beat this drum, but I think it, we're getting a bit serious. Let's get serious. Let's get serious. You didn't expect this. No. I think it's quite off-putting a woman in comedy. I think men don't particularly like it.

Oh, I see what you mean. I think it's a bit of a threat. Threatening to them. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I think a lot of women do say this. That, you know, men like to think of themselves as the funny one.

Unfortunately, and I, the more I, you put things out online, the more you realize, um, you see it when you're on stage sometimes with, I remember one horrible gig. Ironically, Hey on Y festival. What? I know. This always happens to me. You know. it's the usual.

Oh, God. You love it. You literally can't die. Oh, hey, on the phrase they use, and you know it's absolutely a death knell. They're very comedy literate. They're very comedy literate. And, of course, on Hay on Why, they're going to be comedy and literate. They're literary literate.

But, no, neither. You know when you get the, you're going to love them. You're going to love you. Oh, grief. Here we go. Absolutely. And it's a long way to get to Hay on Y, isn't it? You're telling me, every time in Wales, you think that car journey shoot me!

And this is how you opened, of course, yes. So I'm playing that nice tent. You know, really nice. Is it the philosophy festival, how the light gets in? How light gets in? Oh, can I just say, by the way, I did the Hay-on-Wife festival, and I was being driven to the site, and they said, have you done the festival before? I said, yeah, I did how the light gets in.

And the guy was like, it's not the same. Then didn't talk to me for the rest of the journey. He's like, it's not the same festival. Was he driving from London, by the way? Yeah, exactly. It was great. I got to read my Kindle. In my green room, I had George Galloway.

Oh. Here we go. Is that we got the hat? That's really. I was about to go there. You got that quicker. Well, men are funnier. Simply, it's just, it's what you've got to understand, Holly is.

What are you proven? So, yeah. But no, so you're at the way. So I was playing that. It's a really, and you know, in Hey. why you get those nice, you get, it's all posh food, isn't it? It's lovely. They look after you so well. Oh, you think, oh, fabulous.

They're going to love me! Because you know, arts festivals, I think that's my sort of jam. Yeah. I'm not, I think, I don't know how long ago this might have been 10 years ago. So it's an hour show, post-Edembourg, I think. And I don't know, 300 people or something.

The minute I stand on stage, the minute, I literally hardly said anything. An old, not an old man, but a, a A middle, I'd say maybe 60-year-old white man, well-to-do. Yeah. He's at Hay. Did not shut up.

Like, like, I mean. Was it George Galloway? Was he trying to do an impression of a cat again? He thought you were ruling, Enska. Like, he wouldn't let me get a word in. He literally wouldn't let me get a word in. And he just talked and the whole audience was so against him. Like, but also there was no staff getting him out.

And they should have been, you know, ejected. That's what you want, isn't it, staff? No one took the bins out. Exactly. I did everything myself. I had to drive him out. Eventually. And he went, and it just really felt like it was a real, it was really evident how much he didn't want a woman to speak. Yes.

And how much he didn't want a woman to get to, to have the last laugh. He didn't want the woman to have power. It was a really, it really felt like he didn't, he didn't want a woman to be up there doing this. He just couldn't let it lie. He just couldn't let it lie. And then the whole audience... How long did you date him? He just sat off camera over there.

Let me tell you how it actually went down. And then the whole audience basically got up and sort of protested again. And this went on for an hour. Wait, protested on whose side? Against him. Against him. Okay, fine. And basically there was an uprising.

And at the end, they sort of all came around me and said, were so, you know, the whole, the whole thing kind of, like, they kind of, they turned on him, but like, it was an hour of that. Look, it's, it's whales. Yeah. They do their thing. I let them do it. It built a wicker man.

George Galloway was there on looking on. He's so bad. He had his bus. That's good. That's a good Galilee, actually. Meow. So, anyway, my point is, yes. Men hate women talking.

Yes. Okay. Welcome to. the podcast. The thing about that, I will say, and it's a horrible experience, but it's a positive ending to it and that you've got the whole, what I thought you were going to say is the whole room on his side. Because we've, oh, we've had that before.

Yeah, no. We've all had that. Hey, don't worry, I've had that too. But also, what I mean, it's online. I think you see it now much more than, it's just more evident online as well. So much so you think they, they. They get behind, audiences just get behind men more than they, there's always a reason to turn on women. And I think they're just, you know, what you look like, what you, how you sound, how you, literally everything's pulled apart.

And men just aren't pulled apart as much. Can I just say now, we have never turned on women. No. Honestly, we've got a track record of not turning on women and we stick by that. We get told that all the time. Oh, in the comments, in the comments, women say, you're not turning me on. And I find that, you know, never turned on a woman in your life. No, never done it.

We refuse to. Because we're allies. And our wives are always telling you. You do not turn me on. You just not turn me on. And we say, yes. We refuse to turn on women. It's just what we do.

That's great to hear, guys. I feel really comfortable now sitting between you all. You know what I mean? I feel, you know, I can just relax now. It's good. So, do you therefore, have you ever been tempted to not say you're a comedian on the apps? Oh yeah, I don't say him a comedian. Yeah, so what do you say?

Do you say you're a writer? Yeah, I sort of fiddle it through. I mean, honestly, I'm really not on the apps anymore, really, because as I say, you won't know what the experience is like because it's so awful. Yeah. So you're not on it very often. How many dates in a year? Oh, no, and I haven't been on a date since like COVID. What's COVID?

Was that your last boyfriend? I went on a date with a guy. Who was a newsreader? Did you? Bong. Did you enjoy you doing that? Between every one of its sentences. At the end of his sentence.

Bong! This just in, the starters. Oh my God. Was it a newsreader that you recognised? Was it one that... No, I don't watch ITV or good morning. Don't give it away. It's good morning, Britain, what's the bad one?

You went on... Peers Morgan? No. No! No, not TV news. You went on... No, not... Ed Balls.

No, no, you're not gonna know who. He's not, he's not an end. Yeah, good morning, Britain is... He used to be host, it used to be hosted with Pierce Morgan. Yeah. You didn't go on a date with Peerz Morgan, because that would have been pre-COFitz. It was a different colour. It was Adil Ray.

No. You went on a date with Adelae. I don't think you're going to guess him. Okay. Okay. All right. All right. But I mean, you've narrowed it down so much there.

It's one Google away. I know. Anyway, how did the day go? Is he a lovely lad? I mean, it was nice, but... A bit dry? You'd imagine newsread to be quite dry? Well, no, because from the profile, I thought there's a lot.

There's a lot. On paper, I thought, this is ideal. Because... Adela-Rae? No, not Adela-L-Rae. So... It's ideal-ray. Not in comedy, because I was like, this is...

You don't want that. We all know that, don't we? Yeah. But show-bis-adjacent. Showbid's adjacent. So I thought, Or exactly, that's what you want, isn't it? But I think actually, because also he was obviously very comedy savvy,

you know, and into the, very much on paper, perfect. I thought this is ideal. Gravitus, you think, as well. Gravitus. What are you saying about me? Bringing grim and gravitas to me. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Fire and ice. Exactly. What a combo. It could have been a double threat, that, couldn't it? It could be a power couple. We could be on the... A media power couple. Exactly.

Can you imagine being a power couple? So, he... I'm also also thinking how much I would enjoy you as a news reader. Yeah. Mbong. Yeah, just do the bong. Did you say unbongo there? Because it sounded like you added a few extra syllables in.

But you've got... You know what? A lot of it is now branded content. Yeah, exactly. If you can not only deliver the news. Is it unbongo? Is that not been cancelled? I don't think they still drink it in the Congo.

I think it's still available, isn't it? I think it's being cancelled. What? I don't know. It's, I think you're thinking of Keora. Keora? No, I don't. I don't know.

The crow's from Keora. I don't think you see them anymore. Do you not? No, no. What was it about orange juice in the 80s? I don't think of Bungo. Nobody's killed Calippo, surely. No, not.

And Capri Stone, that's still there. Capri Stone's what I meant, not Calippo. You know that, edit that out. Oh. Is there anything you don't want us to edit out at this. stage. Look, get rid of all of it. Just keep the laugh.

So you're on this date with a newsreader? And he, yeah, it just, what, the thing is, I, I, my therapist said. You shouldn't have brought the therapist in day. That was the mistake. She said, well, you know, you need to not have a, she's very posh. She said, you need to not have a sign on your head, which has go away. I mean Yes, I know

I know And what do you What is she say Like what I mean Obviously it's not an actual sign What is it What is she saying in your behaviour That's saying go away

I'm not saying I'm telling her that really I'm quite go away vibes Do you not like your therapist She's a bit spendy actually Do you know what I'd like about going on a date With the news reader If you had sex with them afterwards Do they ruffle the papers

Well yeah You don't want to I'd like the lights go I'd like to roll off and go, and now it's time for the weather. It'd be like a nice, a nice post-sex thing, joke to say with the newsreys.

I still think bong. That's bongs at the start. Oh, I like bogs at the end. I'm bonging with every thrust, don't you worry about that? I can say bonging jorings very funny. If you're shaking a newsreys out, it turns out it's the 10. Oh, it was the three of course.

It's not. It's the three o'clock news. Surely can't be time for the weather yet. That was a bulletin, wasn't it? You want to bongueuring, really good stuff. Yeah. And then at the end, you want to say, I know it's time to the weather. Yeah, but you don't want to say another name.

No. Now here's Sarah with the weather. You've got a wife? His thing is Shaffanaka, isn't it? That's the Queen's favourite. Here's George Shaka with the weather. Try saying that. Shaffanaka.

Shaffanaka. Give my knackas to Shaffa, will you? Is that going in? Edit this whole episode. out there's nothing wrong with this is just going to be our names yeah yeah say goodbye and then rip right now they cancelled us after um bongo like glastonbury we're having a fallow week just to let the just to let the field the field regroup itself so tom i wanted to ask you though i was saying that you you were

asked to recommend a single friend talking to the scenario there what happened yeah oh yeah or are you able to give it you know you'd have to give names or anything like that but can you give us the sort of the sort of vague circumstances surrounding it's just quite interesting when you're in the mid when you're in your mid 40s and you and I'm trying to say this now I don't it's not in an offensive way it's not many of us around if you're in your mid 40s and you have to recommend your friend who is a perennial singleton obviously the the huge caveat that comes with that is like they've been sing they're always single and they're in the 40s and you kind of go and I don't know why because they're my mate I don't we don't go into that. I don't we don't go into

that is this a bloke yeah right you're like i'm not going to get into that but i also can you kind of go well there is a there is going to be reasons there might be their own reasons but it's like it's a bit different from recommending your single friends when you're in your 20s is my point but you just say they haven't found the right person yeah yeah found the right person yeah oh you can say no i'm so i can say all those things there's a lot of reason That's what I mean. Like, exactly that. You say, lovely, really lovely person.

Hasn't found the right person. Never really settled down. But what you really saying in your head is like, yeah, and what's the reasons for that? And it's like that's the stuff you don't talk about because they're your friend. So when you recommended them. Didn't sound like I can recommend them. I did. I didn't like you just blacklisted.

I know. I didn't say any of that. The unspoken. Well, yeah, exactly. It's like, Tom, Tom, why are you blinking so much during it? You know, he just hasn't found the right person yet. But the person you recommend... Did you recommend them then?

No. No. No, no, no. It wasn't really to do with me, but it was just like... When someone says, oh, you know that person. You know that person. You know, like, go, oh, yeah, yeah, I love them and love them, my friend. But it's like, you know, it's just an interesting realm.

It is an interesting realm, yes. And, I mean, yes, it's... I think the thing is, going back to the newsreader, though he wasn't in comedy, and I think... thought, oh great, but he's adjacent, that'll be fine. I think what I did take from it was that we were both, I think we both were in a sort of, sort of difficult place. And in our 40s...

Did you meet him in a war zone? He said, you could have to meet me off to work. But unfortunately, I'm in the Ukraine. And he, and I think he, and I think a newsreader probably, has a bit of ego. Yes, that's it. If he's front of camera. Exactly.

And I thought, you know what? You want a nice sound man. That's what you want. That's the thing you see. Who would say, just move the mic slightly further away every time you scream. I've turned the mic off. So, exactly, you see, too much, I think.

Yeah. Too much. He's above the line, basically. We need below the line. Exactly. And the thing about my therapist saying you need to have the, you need to get rid of the go-away vibes. I do give out go-away vibes. I don't need that.

I don't need you sort of vibes. I do give out that. So I thought what I would do on this date was try and be somebody else. Oh. What? He turned up in character. Now, do you remember the time in Edinburgh I spent the whole month in character, Now we shared a venue that year

Do you remember? Oh my God. Well, obviously I didn't share a venue with you. I shared a venue with Kirstie. Was it Kirstie? We did. She did, yes. I'd forgotten that. Can I tell you my version of that? That was so bleak. It was so bleak. We'll back up. We'll back up. So it was a big story before Edinburgh. You know, everyone's looking for their

angle and Holly, your angle was gone. Can I tell you why it was the angle? She did the bridesmaid show. Because yeah. So Holly did a show where you were being a crazy bridesmaid. It was on a hilarious show. In character for five days or whatever. You did it. Anna Morris did.

Yeah. A few brilliant sort of comedy performers, comedy improvisers where you would be living in character with these, you know, as a sort of Oh, this is my friend who I haven't really introduced you to my main group of friends, but she's going to be around and she's crazy. And she's never really settled down.

You read into that what you will. But you did that. How long do you film that for when you're staying in character? How long are you doing that for? Oh, like, four days? Okay. Four days and nights. So I was in character in, and I really went for it.

Yeah, you were brilliant. You were hilarious. Seems wild, isn't it? What I did was, I was in character, but I was sort of out of character at the same time. You were disassociating, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I was in this, we're in this hotel and we would, we would, you know, I'd go down for, and I'd be dressed the whole time, everything. And even, and, and I, and I was dressed the entire time.

I didn't do it. Can I tell you, very out of character, Pauli, do not arrive in a, in a tiny pair of pants and nothing else. Are these cross-honts taken? I told him sometimes I can be intimidated. So, like, full on, the whole thing. I didn't eat anything because my character had terrible eating habits and she would just eat sweets the whole time

and so my producer would have to get like salad sent to my room in Cognito, hidden in, you know, in sweet rappers. In sweet wrappers, yeah. So many cherry tomatoes. Looks like a big tube of poloes. It's cucumbers. And I had this complete, like, totally different walk, totally different, stood differently.

And the minute I came out of character, I got changed into my own clothes. I'm not kidding you, I didn't, I couldn't quite remember how I stood, how I spoke, how my body was. Yeah. I completely, I just didn't know how to be. You transformed. I honestly didn't know how to be as me. It took me, it took me like a day to remember how to like function as me again.

It was pretty wild. But it was the best, it was the most incredible thing. I absolutely loved it, right? I nearly got removed from set because they nearly, I nearly got, we nearly had a fist fight. I nearly got You committed so hard to the bit Well one bit I ended up So basically we all

At one point I just ended up It was like my single friend Yeah So I ended up Aggravating them so I was pretty It was pretty

You know Bad And at one point We all tried on our wedding dress Our bridesmaid dresses Which were the real Bridesmaid dresses And I cut mine

And in front of them all and they they tried to take the scissors off me we had a fight and then they were about they were about to go for me so I had to be like taken away yeah I mean

it was knocked in a room with some quinoa it's in a quality street box so he's hundreds of thousands of dollars so because I love doing that so much right I know I know it was after being escorted off set

that I thought I should do that for a month In the most pressurized month of a performers year. And who thought that was good? And then, but you know what the worst thing is? It's like, if a tree falls. Oh, yeah. On top of some brides, do they want to punch the tree? Do you want to blame the person with the scissors?

So the same, like, I'm walking around Edinburgh with no camera crew. Yeah. Yeah. Going into shops being Kirsty for no reason. It is bleak. You tell your side of the story. You were doing, you cursed 24, when you got home. People would cross the, my friends would cross the road in Edinburgh so they didn't have to deal with her.

And I was doing the handovers. I mean, he had a terrible time. Basically in Edinburgh, the shows are 15 minutes apart and your get in starts as soon as, and you, so my get out, your get in was happening at the same time. Kirsty's, I was, Kirsty's game. Kirstis, Kirstis. It's a craft, Matthew. So on the first. I'd like it to be acknowledged to start.

Kirsty, Kirsty. She's not here to defend herself, Matthew! I am Daniel Day Lewis! I'd love that at the end of the interview. You take off that. Holly Burns's not here, and it's Daniel Day Lewis. He's back out of retirement. So, yeah, so on the first day, I just limped through my first preview.

It wasn't going great. It was the Just the Tonic venues, and the venue was classic Just the Tonic, half built, no branding outside, nothing, so no one knew where it was. No box office. No box office. Box office didn't work. The venue didn't have Wi-Fi. So we'd done that, all of the stress of that. I'd also had, and I love him to pieces, but Mark Silcox just wandered in and wandering around the venue. And everyone goes, oh, Mark Silcox is here. I assume Crosby's hired Mark Silcox to wander around and confuse people. No, he was just being Mark Silcox. Another man who was in character 24-7.

Sorry, hang on, he was wandering around your show. During the first show. just wandering around. And I was like, hello, Mark, you're right? It's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just getting my stuff. And then I was like, yeah, yeah, Mark, I'm doing my show. He's like, yeah, yeah, I'm just getting my stuff. And I was like, yeah, yeah, Mark, I can't stress enough.

I'm just doing my first show. These people have paid some money. Stop! Stop! I've got Mark Silco, so anyway. I wish you'd done that in my show. Mark eventually leaves, and then in comes Holly. And now, I'd read the article, because you'd said,

I'm going to me, it was on, you know, it was on, it was all the trades. Holly's going to do the whole show as Kirstie. She's going to do the whole festival as Kirstie. She's the same character. So you show up and you say, hello, what's your name? I'm Kirstie. I'm like, hello Kirstie. Nice to meet you. And we're chatting away. And my name's Matthew. I'm a comedian. You still happy. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And then, and then, anyway, so we get to, we get to this happens two, three, four days. The fourth day, I go, hello, Kirstie. And you just go, oh, fucking El Crosby

Darrell's fucking everything up and I'm like oh she's broken character Darrell runs the just the tonic by the way

so if anyone can get someone to break character it's the organisation of Darrell Barton there's no fucking Wi-Fi they go branding outside

I was pushing by boxing I turned out Holly's back Holly do you know you're mate Kirsty she should be

here by now shouldn't she's on stage in 10 minutes but it's so funny to see what's the breaking point for the improv and it was

Darrell Martin's organisation of a venue. Day four. But you know what happened? I went upstairs or wherever it was to see his manager or whoever was ridiculous, so-and-so was. And I tried to have an argument about it in character. I mean, I tried.

You were very Georgie, weren't you? Yeah. You were sort of like a sort of George, you know, a very geordie lass, yeah. Can I make the case that we... There's no case with it. We book Kirsty in February to come back. And we have a companion episode and Kirsty's on the case.

She's very busy She's on the apps, you know And I request that the character of bed Isn't him That would be funny That would be funny So are you going out at night Kirstie?

Yeah, but it turns out Because nobody wants to speak to you And I thought I'll be really fun What happens? It's just Edinburgh, isn't it? The moment you leave the place your brain sort of like thinks it'll be really fun dot dot dot and then i mean thinking that anybody that it was a good idea for me to because really i couldn't i couldn't be seen as myself i would

go to restaurants and sit with my back to everybody and facing the wall on my own and eat and i'd think you know i just spent the whole month in the bath as kirstie would have done she always said cleanliness is next to God in this, isn't she? The whole bath in the bath. Oh, God. I mean, because I started to try and go out and I thought, this is, I can't do this.

This is, because again, you know, you need a camera crew there to make the whole thing work, turns out. Yeah. You should have been in character for one hour a day during the show. It is weird hearing you use the phrase if a tree falls in the forest

would anyone hear it, because I can't imagine you doing anything without someone hearing it. Half of Edinburgh could hear that bath. I'm going to say yes, people will hear it. So, will you? I'm so sorry, Matthew. But do you remember, I remember seeing him.

I remember seeing in the bar of just the tonic of my, our venue, I remember seeing the bar manager, I stood in what? him as he did it, tear my posters down from the wall and crumple them up and put them in the bin. Oh, this is right. Yes, they did that every day because they were like, Daryl hadn't arranged for posters. No, why did I drop character? It was a nightclub. Yeah, it was a nightclub. So you'd put your posters up and then the next day they would all be torn down like, no, it's that we're a nightclub. And it's like, we get, we make more, let's be honest, we make more money as a nightclub than we do

posting my solo show and you doing an improv fair. That is fair, actually. for 24 hours a day. Yeah, I've really swung on this one. As I see where they're coming from. You're behind the bash house on this one, are you? I've got to be honest. I tore down both of your posters that here. Parky was in character as a bar staff by the end of it.

Can I ever work here? If part of the job is tearing down Cosby's postings, yeah, I'll do it. So what did you go for when you decided not to go on this date as yourself? Oh, so, yeah. I said not to go on this myself. So, and my other friends said, remember to be you, but not too much you. Remember not to do your Les Dawson.

And, I mean, I'll take... What else he's supposed to do on in for this first date? You're always leaning over a... Kneen over a fish, kind of doing... Knocking your boobs up, yeah. So I... Not too much you is an incredible thing so. Yeah. That's well you should.

Les Dawson is my... Hero. Yes, he's wonderful. But I wouldn't like... Hero! I wouldn't like to fuck him. Bongs! This just in So I thought

You took the right places But not necessarily In the right order Walkin and Wise Okay But it's in there So So

So anyway You're not doing Les Dawson, you're going on the dates. I'm not doing Les Dawson, I think, I'll try, and all, bear in mind, this is peak, this is COVID, this is COVID, so everybody's a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know, you should have leveled the playing field for you, really, shouldn't there? Unfortunately, Matthew, I went up and off and off. Everyone's changing gear. Even Kirsty left. Everybody's changing gear.

Kirsty had it. Kirsty moved out during COVID. She is later. Yeah, too much. She's gone to have a long bath. Oh, Jesus, Kirstie! The toaster. Her's my toaster.

So, yeah, so I, you know, bear in mind, I was a little bit cuckoo. Bear that in mind, please. So I thought, I'll just try and be like a normal girl. I've never thought, I have never, and I've never, ever thought like that, people. But you're not. a normal girl though. That's what's, that's your USP. I know it tastes like you, but in COVID, you're, you're going mad. You, by the way, can I just say, one of my favourite ever of your lines was you, um, you opened, you opened his show once. I loved it. You were saying, I was

reading an interview with Sarah Milliken and she says like, you know, well, the great thing about me is I'm like my audience, you know, when they come and see me, they're not coming to see Elton John. I'm not like Elton John. And then you went, and I read that and thought, but I am Elton John. And then you sack a song and I thought, yes, that's how you're start showing. You tell the audience you're Elton John. Absolutely. And then you stayed in character as Elton John for the next, for the next month.

You tore your own posters about that. Do a leap and put out of restraining order on you. Stop showing up on my gigs. I'm not sick of the song with you. It's hard to get those glasses in the bath, isn't it? But yes, yes. So I, yes, but in COVID you're just like going mad, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, totally.

And the apps going. going mad as well so you're just generally like losing yourself and so i thought well i'll try and not be my and i genuinely never i've always been very very comfortable in my own skin i don't know if that's evident but i've always been confident and you know not and not worried about that stuff but in covid i just was so i thought well you know i'll try and i'll try a different tack i thought i'll try so because i was trying to be i was trying more vulnerable that's what i think I was trying to do. I was trying a more vulnerable tack, not this kind of, oh, get away from me. Everything's very much like, oh, I can do that. I, you know, I'll pay the bill, all that

sort of stuff. Or like, I don't like men doing anything for me. I don't think that's necessarily great move. So I thought I'll try and be less, I'll try and be more like, I'll sit back and let them do everything. So he was like, oh, should I, I've got some suggestions of where I could go, because I would normally be like, oh, I'll meet me here and then. Sure. But I'm trying not to take over so he's and he comes up with some and I'm like oh yeah and I'm trying to everything's in me wants to go as long as it's somewhere good you know and like not to be kind of all bantery about it so I'm trying to be like normal let so it's letting down an element of defense your defense is where you would normally be pushing back you're thinking I'll just

try and against that instinct yeah and try not to not to turn everything comedy as well not to be full bantered you know not just to try and be like more like No, normal and chatty. And so he's like, I can suggest it if you're going, I'm thinking, but I'm thinking, yes, that sounds lovely. He decides on a place on Greek streak. It's that place that's below the whiskey shop that you, you, have you been? I know that, I know that whiskey bar.

Yeah, there's a secret bar below it. Neither did I. And I was absolutely, it's good, Matthew, but I was absolutely furious. Because I thought, I've been everywhere in this town and I've never been there. You're the queen of Soho. Kirstie, the queen of Soho. You're absolutely infuriated me. I thought, he's chosen somewhere really good,

but I'm furious. I've never been there. Part of me thought, I've got to go there before we go, because I want to make sure I know it. You did a pre-date with yourself before you go on the date with him to be like, you know, I would have felt more in control. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because also I like to think of myself as, oh, I know every bar in town.

Yeah, yeah. That's like the Nero in Roanin, isn't it? You need to know your exits. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

Or someone doing the safety on a plane. And also, especially because this is a secret bar. So it was a bar, it's under that whiskey shop. And you don't know, you have to have a secret code or something. And then you do a book. And then you go down and it's, it's one of those jolly fun, like Hidden London kind of thing. Oh, you know, that's too much. I know what you mean.

It's a bit prohibition vibes. It's a bit like, oh, dressed through my flat caps and all that. Yeah. But it was, but it wasn't too twee. Okay. It wasn't like cahoots. It's on the, like, it's not a secret cinema. No, oh, no, no, no, no. I wanted to be like a nan next to a fire exit and it's like,

yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. No, I like that. Yeah, no, it wasn't quite, it wasn't a promenade production, but yeah, it wasn't that. But I know what you're talking about. And that would be. The book things are a bit of a red flag for you. I hear, I'm with you on that, but it was good. But, um, uh, so I thought I was, and I was going to try this new personality.

gosh I know and I think it just and he he arrived a bit late and that already was fuming

which personality was angry at that both of them turns out both of hey you know what everyone loves punctuality right doesn't matter what

personality you've got but he sit down and say this just in have we done that joke three times now yeah yeah I did it then Clarkie did

now you've done it now you've done it you know that's fine You're a sketched truth. That's how it works. We've got one brain shares. No, three.

Morkum and Wise. Morkum Wise at Dawson. So, and he sits down and he says, oh, I'm sorry, I'm going to be, I'm going to have to leave early. It was one of the first things he said, because I've got to go and, I'm just being on, I've got to go and read the news early tomorrow and I'm going to be in for like four. And I'm thinking, I don't like this at all. And we, we, we, we, we, we, we, you. Yeah. And I'm trying. Okay.

And when he arrives, I get up to shake his hand. And he gives me a kiss and we bump heads. Oh, no. And then when... This just didn't. This just in. And then I sit down and he says, oh, I like your dress. And I hate that.

Oh. Because my bad, my holy personality comes out and like, oh, what? No, you don't. This is horrible. Oh, I just, you know, that sort of thing. I was going to say that. Dress is fucking ugly. I forgot to mention it when you came in,

but I don't know what you're doing with that hat, mate. You look like George Bucke in Galloway. I try to be all nicely, but what comes out is like, no person, A, no, I basically didn't know what to say. My mouth couldn't open. I couldn't be funny. I couldn't say anything.

And then the girl next door to me to us, she's there on a date, and they turn around, oh, she looks so great. The girl turns around and said to me and him about me. Oh, you look beautiful. I love your outfit. She looked great.

And that's making me, I'm like, I want to be sick, I want to die. Right. I want to be sick and want to die. Go away. And then she sort of says the same thing at the end. And then, I mean, I just, I couldn't, I couldn't say anything.

I couldn't speak. Yeah. I couldn't have a personality. I couldn't do any. I literally like was frozen in time. It's because you're sort of going like, you're sort of, if there's like a circuit board, you're going right. Well, Hollywood react that way.

So I'll go back to where this thing and then try and work out what the alternative reaction is. Yes. But. And then the bill came and he was like, oh, I'll get sent about. No, you want. won't and I really like went it really went no you won't I'll get it and I was really like it was day four of the festival the real personality came through yeah it was just terrible because because I was inhibiting myself yeah and because I was trying to I was thinking oh it's not going to like

because again I don't think like that normally this was definitely a COVID-y sort of vibe and I really hated myself that I just tried to be somebody else yeah and then A couple of days later, I messaged him and said, look, I don't know. What's just, I don't know. What did you say? What did you say? Well, my friend said him, did you get up the next morning early in watch and see if he was doing the news? Oh, good point.

Because the thing is, if you say, I've got to leave the day. earlier. I've got to be on television next day. It's a pretty checkable alibi. Yeah. Yeah. Did you text him and say, look, I can't meet up for another date, but I've got this single friend called Kelly. She's a lovely Georgie girl. You're going to get on with her.

The fourth date's going to be weird. You're basically split. Do you like baths? Yeah, but the thing is, you're brilliant. I genuinely mean that. I think you're absolutely, I think you're absolutely brilliant. But you see what I mean, though.

You see what, when you're sort of trying to... Yeah. And you're thinking, I'm a lot. And I'm not, and I'm not, and I, that's, I'm Elton John. You are up and David furnish is out there, you know. And you shouldn't have to, you shouldn't have to marry a man in the 70s just to cover up for the fact that you're actually a lesbian, is what I'm trying to say. Is that makes, does that, does that, do I, do you know anything here?

Is that an energy workout? All I'm saying is, all I'm saying is, I don't know what. why you bought football club and I hope it makes you happy. This just out.

Can you feel the love tonight? So I said to him I wasn't myself I was being somebody else do you want to go

on another day? I really didn't but I just thought I need to sort of try and I was trying to be honest again trying with the vulnerable thing

which again made me feel sick but I just thought no because I think also in comedy we can all be quite cynical. Yeah.

And it's very eye-roly all the time. I mean, it's basically my, that's because that's our defence, isn't it? Yeah. It's like, I roll central. Everything is like, oh, gross. Did he go on a second date? No, he didn't.

He said, oh, no. He said, it's just out. And he said, but I had a lot of fun. It was really great to chat and was really fun. And I was thinking, if you thought that was fun, yeah, you spend too much time in the newsroom, mate. It's a lot of fun compared to the murder act to talk about in 4 a.m. Well, Holly, thank you so much for coming on the point.

It's been a total joy. Honestly, you know what? Next time, bring your real personality. We'll have fun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, and now for the news. Where can people find you? And you've got a fantastic podcast of your own, haven't you?

I've got a podcast, yes. the Matthew has kindly been on it and it was so I did actually on the on the um Instagram but but don't worry I used your personalities so we've all been on it really I did I said on the Instagram whoever'd like to come on the podcast please come on my podcast and I said yes I don't know it's it's hard to know when you're speaking to a group podcast account it's it's a bit like I don't know do you have somebody running it for you is yeah me right cleaning up all the work Oh, this is how you're on all these podcasts. Guys, maybe you should do some of the happy lifting.

Then you get a bit more podcast. I should say, I should say it pays 15 grand. So thanks very much, Holly. I loved doing it. So Matthew was, I think, the funny, it was so funny, Matthew's house. And we've just had a new series out. And Tim Kee was out yesterday. It's called Holly Burns Dream House.

You mentioned the cowards, didn't you? And only Tim Kee replied. Yeah. He's got their account sorted. At Hollyburn's Dreamhouse Pod, please subscribe. I'm sorry, I hate all this selling business. It's so, I didn't, listeners,

I did not get into this job. Do you think Elton John does this? Elton John doesn't even have a phone. Did you know that? He doesn't have a phone. I've got to have it because that's my old time looking at it because I've got to because it's just dreadful. Anyway, it's a wonderful pod

Check it out I always think of you guys When I think of Victoria Beckham Because remember when I did my Victoria Beckham Yeah, yeah And she's obviously made a Documentary Yeah

She's made a documentary I did another one A rip off of a documentary trailer recently But I always remember Because I did a gig with you guys That night that it all kicked off And she retweeted it Yes

You remember It was going huge wasn't it Yeah yeah yeah And it went crazy and it was it was that gig at the Royal Institute of something

and it was about animals or something do you remember? Oh my God we did it we did a lot of weird themed gigs back in the day

I had to go and then I and then I mean it was about the climate change yeah yeah that's gone away I was booked

and I mean I suppose Stuart Goldsmith wasn't doing that but now but then but and then I and then the Guardian contacted me

after the gig after like I mentioned like rhinos or something. And they said, oh, would you like to write

a piece on climate change in comedy? I remember that now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I wrote it. And you know what? I quoted Louis C.K.

So, I mean, it's sort of a null. There we go. So, I mean, you know, Mbongo and Louis CK. I'm cancelled. There we go.

Well, the climate around Louis CK did have to change. Hey! Bong! Bong! Disgusting. Disgusting.

Nah. There you have it. What an episode. What an episode. What an episode. What a journey. Always love that. I mean, Holly, Holly is the best.

She's fantastic. And, you know, single. If anybody, if anybody would like to get in touch with Holly, then don't do it through weird means. Are you a news reader? Are you a news reader? This just in. If you are a newsreader, get in touch and tell us, what's the weirdest thing anyone said to you during sex? Oh, yes, please.

That's a good one. What we like to do for the comments on our YouTube videos in our podcast, as specific as possible. Yes, and that is good. Well, or comment what you would say to a newsreader. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you had sex with them. Yes, yes, indeed. So, have a wonderful time, everybody.

Don't forget we are on YouTube. YouTube.com forward slash Pappy's Flat Share. We're also on Instagram at Pappy's Comedy and we're on TikTok. Oh, yes. And we will be in selected cinemas from Wednesday. App. Just after, I turn to you, Clayton to say,

and we're at TikTok and we're a Oh yes. Oh yes, which I believe is Churchill insurance. It's not us on TikTok. More than wise, I think you'll find. Today's episode was filmed by Edmore

and produced by Emacautium. Corsham team. Cheers, everyone. Day!