Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1545: Helen Bauer

Episode Date: December 3, 2025

WE ARE LIVE STREAMING OUR CHRISTMAS FLATSHARE SLAMDOWN ON DECEMBER 8th. FOR TICKETS GO TO PAPPYSCOMEDY.COM/LIVEHelen takes us right back to her formative yearsHelen Bauer - https://www.helenbauer.co.uk/Follow us on: YouTube: youtube.com/@pappysflatshareInstagram: instagram.com/pappyscomedy/TikTok: tiktok.com/@pappysflatshareFacebook: facebook.com/PappysFlatshare/And X: twitter.com/pappystweet Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good news. We are live streaming the Pappy's Flatshare Slamdown Christmas show on the World Wide Web. Yes, on Monday, December 8th at 7pm GMT, you can watch Nish Kumar and Amy Annette go head to head from the comfort of your own electronic device. Tickets at £8.7, if you're a member of our Patreon. And they're available from pappiescom.com forward slash live. That's pappiescom.com forward slash live. Or from the Underbelly Boulevard website. If you can't watch the show live at 7pm, don't worry. The link will remain active once the show is over, but do get your tickets before the show begins to avoid disappointment. Don't miss the live stream of Pappies Flatshire Slamdown Christmas special with our guests Nish Kumar and Amy Annette, Monday, December 8th, 7pm GMT on the internet. Go to pappiescom

dot com forward slash live and make your Christmas the merriest one yet. What do you think of that, Tom? Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to this very exciting guest episode of Pappy's Flatshare. We won't tell you who the guest is, but if you're watching on the video, they're just sat there. We had a brilliant guest on this week. Her name is Helen Bauer, and she was all right, wasn't she, I think.

Fantastic. Yeah, you know, she was great. She'd be my second choice So if you enjoy what we do And you want to support your boys on their podcasting journey Then please do get to the patron Patreon, patreon.com forward slash papies flat share And for just four pounds a month

You get a bonus episode You get ad free and early Which I always forget about Yeah, it's early and out free And you also get discounted live tickets You get the jingle as a single But most of all you get the warm feeling Of knowing you're supporting your boys

on their journey as they podcast To the grave To the grave So please do Give us your support So this is a very fun episode There's been some I think we learnt a lot about

All of us today In a big way And that is what you get When you invite a Helen Bauer On to the episode She opens everybody up Yes Like a good hall suitor

Absolutely so enjoy this episode And we'll see you on the other side Pappie Splatchet Talk about whatever Happy Splatchet How we've been doing this forever? Pappy's flagship. But we don't really live together.

Papi's Flatshire. Yeah. Right. We've got our own thing going on just to you know. What's your thing you've got going on? No, it just means. We'll see how it goes. No, come on.

How long have you had a private thing with Clarkie? It's about 45 seconds. Yeah, yeah. It's rumbling on. Yeah. And I'm still eating a halls. I'm not sure it's going to last. Have you got a bit of a scratchy throat?

No, I just really like the take. of throat sweets, if I'm honest. Is that true? Yeah. The way it opens you up. My favourite sweet as a child was a cough candy twist. Oh wow. Which was such a niche choice for a wean.

Yeah. I used to think it was like kind of cool. Like everyone's favourite suite was like so basic and I was like a cough candy twist. Do you think there's a sort of like... I was bullied of course. Wait, you're a comedian. Welcome to bullied Bob. I had to be.

Do you think there was an element of like, I'm actually also doing good. drugs. Do you think there's a druggy aspect of it? There's a sort of junk. Nothing cooler than being a junkie when you're... I was a junkie kid. My first hospital stay was for an overdose for cowpoll. Holy shit. This is Bruce Ringe. This is spoon. Were you alive? Yeah. My mom found me like unconscious by a window with an empty bottle of cowpong. She was like, how do I explain this to the people at Friendly Park Hospital? And then I woke up and I was like, I love the taste. Because that's like, you know... I also have a palsy disorder of course.

Were the sweets then a way to get you off it, like your methadone? Yeah. How old were you when you calpulled yourself into a coma? I think I was four or five and I know this because I went through my hospital records for fun. Of course you do, yeah, of course. You get them on this new thing, this my chart. Oh, really? Are you not on the NHS?

Are you not on your records? Are you not on hell of substack? You've got to see my records. They're really interesting. Oh my God. Really interesting. And it was like, yeah, like overdose, like four years old. That's cool.

Wow. Well, isn't that awful? It's a bit cool. It's bad, but it's cool. It's bad, but it's cool. And did they have to do the, you know, adrenaline shot to the heart? With a kelpawl syringe. I've not been able to get this.

I can't actually get this in here. Turns out I spill more than. Like, I spill a lot. I spilled a lot because I was doing the spoon thing. Oh, you're doing with the spoon? I was, I was. Found it. I did the child lock and I must have just sat down and got a spoon and was like, what, dosing myself? Very advanced to get through the child. I was going to say, the child lock is

incredible. I still struggle with those now. I was a big girl. Big strong child. He's just pushing down and twisting, isn't it? Yeah. That's your signature move. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And when you get a taste for something, yeah, of course you go for it. Like, if you're like... Taste two, it's a, it's a tricky balance, cowball. Because it has to taste good enough for kids to have it. Yes. He can't taste too good. It tastes too. Can we all admit it?

I think it tastes too good. We had to get CalPol on holiday. We were in Spain. We were on holiday. Our daughter got an earache. So we had to firstly type earache into Google translate and they just show it to the pharmacist. And they gave us and we thought, oh, it's CalPers.

It's a strawberry flavour, you know, all the same thing. And we gave it to her in the little syringe outside the pharmacy. And she was expecting CalPol, right? She wasn't expecting Spanish CalPol. And she spat it back over, like just all. all over, we're back to go out for dinner, just all over, because it hit her pipes and she was like, I can't handle this. It tasted like paella. It tasted like paella. Come on, Cal paella. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, but the British cowpole is, it's gorgeous. It's absolutely

if they release that as a lowless cupcake flavor, yeah, I'm going around all the stations in London. Do they do like, or as a vape? It'd be a good vape flavor, wouldn't it? Or cowpole vape, yeah. Cowpole vape. It'd be good for the festivals. Because I think vapes in themselves are quite, they're quite kiddie, aren't they, vapes? Let's make it happen. You went quite slack-jawed at the vapour. I don't vape, but I would.

Yeah, exactly. I would for that. Yeah, and you get a hit off it. And you won't have a headache anymore? Yeah. Probably yes. Okay, yeah, cow-ball vape. Yeah, do we need to finish my halls, though?

You're still enjoying you. Do you ever do Vicks vapour? I want to a riff with you, so I put it in the side of my mouth. It's great. This is a seasoned riffer. She knows which part of the gob to put the halls if the riffing begins. I know if I'm talking, I know where to put the sweet in my mouth. Like those nicotine bags that people have.

This is exactly what it is. I was going to say a hamster, but that's better actually. Yeah. Yeah. Don't compare a woman to a hamster probably. I'm sorry. When you were a kid, did you do, um, did you have like Vicks diffuser things? I think the thing between Clarkie and Helen's over, by the way. Idiot.

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Well, I hit home. It's so true. I don't know why I'd do that to you. I think it's because you're like everyone's little brother. I'm going to like, idiot. The nation's little brother.

The nation's little brother. I'll take that. Oh! No. Brom bird. Bcg. BCG! Bcg!

I'll be mad. Come on. Let's focus everyone. Guys, guys. You know, did you have those like Vicks, like a vape, you know, Vick's vaporub? Yeah. But it was like in a metal tin that you'd light a candelander. and then it'd get hot and the whole room would smell.

Oh, no. It was like called a diffuser or something. Yes, I know. You can now plug them into the wall. So now you plug them into the wall, but it used to be a metal can. This is generally true, yeah. I feel like I was born in World War II.

It does feel like it, yeah. That's what we did. Yeah, either that or olber soil. Yeah. So, oldbersol, warming up a little bit of olbersoil so it permeates around. You remember the oil being caught on like a hanky. Or stuck on your pillow? Like you'd have a hanky.

Are we actual brother and sister? And you'd get it on a hanky. And you'd sniff it up your nose whilst you were listening to an audio book. Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding DNA match. Ted? That's the name of my brother. You wouldn't have known that, but I just don't have fun. I didn't have that, no, I grew up in the 90s.

I'm considerably younger than you, Tom. Yeah, I'm considerably, but I just think maybe they stopped doing tea lights in children's rooms when they were left unattended, I'd assume. Yeah, I was one. was quite rusty and old as well, so maybe it was even like a 70s thing that had gone through in our house. You're from the north, huh? Fuck, it was a good smell. He's in the Midlands. Well, this different isn't it? Very good smell, very good smell like. I do like, um, have you ever done Vicks in the shower when you've got a cold? No. Can I recommend this please?

Hot shower. Yes, you're in a hot shower and just put a dollop of Vicks like on the floor, somewhere in the shower. Oh. It creates like a hot vixy, vapory steam room. That's really good. So you're like inside it as a Vixie. How much Vixie you? you fill in the tub? I'd say like... It's expensive. I'd say half a claw. Oh, okay.

So like if you're going in with, let's say, four fingers, if you're privileged enough to have four on one hand, of course. And you go in and I'd say you fill up half that claw up to the second knuckle. That's a lot in a tub. Okay, now I'm paranoid that's the wrong amount, but it makes it very lovely. My eyes hurt at the end of it. But I think if you're trying to clear your airways, you're basically mustard gassing yourself. Yeah.

Until you don't have a cold anymore, basically. Which I must do because of what my... German grandparents did. Of course. Of course. Yes. Of course. Absolutely. In order to make amends. Make it fair. Make it fair. You've got to make it fair. Can we make it fair for what was, what happened? They did it. They did it. But I'm suffering. Yeah. I've been to the Imperial Museum. I know my stuff. The Imperial. The Imperial. The Imperial. That's your favorite music. You're missing it. The Missed Imperial War Museum. Half a clause was on the floor. Just that respect. I would.

fucking love a mint imperial's warm museum. Do you know what? A boiled sweet museum, I would go there in a heartbeat. The Fox's Glacier Mint. We're talking about the custard and cream, right? You know? Oh, the rhubarb and custard.

I think this is a room in a museum. I'm going to say it right now. I think if you're trying to get funding for an entire museum, then I think you're going to be in trouble. I think we're just having a bit of fun. Why did you say that? I'm just thinking,

We've already gone Foxy and Gassium in the middle of the thing You know the secret of good improv It's shut it down immediately What the fuck was that? That's so mean I'm screaming It's the first time I've seen Matt genuinely happy

Yeah And you were just like I think it's a room It's a rhyme It's a rhyme in a museum It's a room No one's going there for the day You go to the day

And you go like it's good It's got a bald sweet room I understand what you're saying But you text me that afterwards Maybe just let them have some fun Yeah A text that begins We can all agree, right?

There's two reactions, basically. He dropped the idea. You went ballistic, but me and Clarkie were like, are we going to encourage this? Don't get Clarkie involved. I swear, I swear, he looked. Watch back, he looked. We had a little look and it was like,

oh, I don't know about this, maybe. I actually want to see the action replay. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, let's stick the action replaying in here now. I would love to say that I would go to a five room, Boyle of Speed Museum, entry, three pounds, concession, five pounds adults. I'm saying by the third room,

you're struggling for content. No. Not if we're doing tastings and then if we've got an experience where they show you how they make it. You're discussing Willie Wonka and his chocolate factory. No, I'm not discussing a chocolate factory.

Obviously, no one said chocolate. Yeah, you do. Yes, you do go to museums and there's tastings. The Cadbury's Museum, you're getting tastings. Let's just go straight to Bourneville. If we're in the fucking Midlands, then apparently we are. You test, you test, O.G. Inca, Coco. Yeah, that's a chocolate factory.

Not great. But it's not Waniwanker's chocolate. You're saying like, oh, that's the thing of fantasy. Chocolate factory, now you're saying it's not a chocolate factory. What you're now describing, what you're now describing is a boiled sweet factory with a display room. Different thing. But we're not saying it's the fact, it's not like releasing, the point of the display is that we're going to test it there and then. We're not doing shipping.

I don't think there's any trucks involved. There might correct me if I'm wrong. There's no trucks. It's a museum, so all the sweets are going to be behind. What museum would you like to go to then? An art museum? An art museum. Actually, fair enough.

Could you taste the art or what, though? No, but that's a boiled sweet museum. You're not allowed to lick the paintings, even if just a boyl have been there. I would love to taste some paintings. A hundred percent. What would you taste? I wouldn't. All right, forget it.

What's going on with you? Are you okay? You having a bit of a sad. week. No, I'm with you on tasting paintings. Thank you. Yeah, I'll go with that. It's also my favourite Adelsa.

Glythal God, it's a gorgeous song. Oh God, Steve, look. I'm now trying to see if I can make this Hall's Mint last the entire show. Because once again, it's back up in my cheek. It's now, for the viewer, it's now this size. Which I'd say it's still a full cube. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's thin.

but it's still a cube. It's not yet fully transparent. I've never had the, uh... What have you never had, Clarkie? The love of your parents? Where are you coming? Where's just gonna go? You've got so sad. I've never been able to resist the urge to crunch a boiled sweet.

Really? Kicked out the museum. Go away. Can I? But that's one of the exhibits, actually. Look at the signs. One of the exhibits is, yeah. One of the exhibits is people's ability to hold it.

Oh, that's good. How long can you make it last? Can I make an observation? please. Okay. If you hold it for too long in one quadrant of the mouth, the boiled sweet, you dry out that little quadrant and then it gets weirdly like chalky and it's not like an unpealing, but you do have to really pull it away from where it's got stuck. Everything gets cleaved to itself. Yeah. And then that quadrant, obviously you can't test it right now because it's in my mouth. But it's drier than the rest of it. And I think that's a very interesting

exhibition which would take up an entire room. This is in the museum. Yeah. Helen's gobs in the museum. Yeah. Helen's talking about what happens in her garbage, doing a ball sweet. That's in the museum. It's a good museum. You walk through,

you walk into a mouth and it would tell you which here we go. Here we go. Taste receptors. Yeah. Where best to put your sweets. So this is a five-room museum

and one of the rooms is a recreation of Helen's gob. You've put the limits of the room. Yeah. Okay. And all of her teeth are made of mint imperials. And you can lick them.

You can lick her teeth. Have you always wanted to lick Helen Bowers' teeth? Of course you have. No comment. Everyone does. You are you on the Reddit page I told you that in confidence You run the Reddit page about looking my teeth

Yeah I did say on the Papi's WhatsApp I said a book tell him Bauer and no Tom you can't Before you even ask Well I think it sounds like a charm museum And I'd love to visit it Because I am a museum connoisseur There I've said it I'm very learned And what I'm saying is I would like to visit

The Area of the Museum that is dedicated to sweets rather than the museum of board sweets. What's the rest of the museum? Fucking chocolates and shit and whatever you fancy. Have you been to a chocolate museum? You've been to Cabri's World. No, never been to Cambridge World. No.

Oh my God. No. Never been to Carriage World. I thought everyone had to if you found. Never been to Carries World. Never been to Bourneville. Never will. I think that's why you can't see the potential in a Boil's Sweet Museum.

I think that's why you've never had your mind opened by the people of Cadbury's. I went to a Ritter Sport experience. I'm not joking. I'm going to Zurich on Friday. I am considering booking into the Lint Museum. Oh, you've got to go for the Lint Balls. Yeah, I think I will.

Yeah, yeah. Ritter Sport. Ritter Sport. It's a really good chocolate. It is a great chocolate. How are they earning the sport there? Yeah. Wonderful.

Cue. I'm going to say, want, a sporty person ate it and they went Walder's guy with that. Yeah. Did they design it as like, put it in your shorts? That can't be the slogan. It's a sport.

I can go to that room in the museum. Because it's not like it's not like you can get Ritter. No. They're all Ritter sports. Is there an isotonic element to it? Like boost bars have a slightly isotonic element. Like Lucas Ate's.

Or like Lucas Ate's classic. Yeah. Or Erding a beer now as isotonic. Always has. Has it always? Is it a sport beer? It's a sports beer. It's a sports beer.

Great. Does that just mean it's got a bit of salt, in it? I fuck knows what it means. It glows a bit when you're drinking. Wait, I need to know now. Why does Ridder Sport called Ritter's Sport? We have to find out. Because, like, start cereal, that's the one I always think of.

Start cereal in the 80s and 90s were sold as like, this is what an athlete eats. Yeah. It was sugary, really super sugary little sort of pretzel shapes. And that's, and it's like, it would always be someone doing a high jump or something for the advert. And you're like, this can't be in any way good for you. Yeah, before. But it was sold as start, a guy running on the front. You know, at front of the box.

What's with a sport doing? Mighty White. Special K as well. Do you remember Mighty White? Yes. What's Mighty White? That was a bread. It was basically half and half bread.

50-50. It's like 50-50 now is basically what Mighty White was. But it was like a kid like kicking a rugby ball over the rugby bits. The posts. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, be sport. Be white bread. And you guys did that.

Yes. And now look at you. athletes. Like being in a gym locker. It's really intimidating. The least mighty whites you've ever seen. Yeah. Slazinger sport.

Slazinger sport is... That's a sporting brand. That's a sporting brand company. Fair play, actually. That's legit. Fair play. We can give them that. Okay.

They're off the hook. Adidas. Just saying things now. JD Sports. They mainly sell tracks. It's guys. Come on. Let's be honest.

Sports direct. Sports direct, it's just a big mark. Fair play, it doesn't want something to do it. Okay, okay, we'll let them have that. We'll let them have that. I was out really early this morning. And there was a queue outside of Sports Direct on the Woolworth Road. Were they doing a drop or something?

Were they doing like a, like a, what would they be dropping in? I have no idea. Like new shell suits. You outside of Sports Direct. Do sports people in the same way that like authors might do tours of bookshops. Are they going to walk in there and there's Daily Thompson? Can I be honest. Or a more recent.

Daly Thompson And he's working there He's assistant manager As the sentence started The The Rolodex begins And the Rolodex is one page The Rolid's one page

The Deliveries arrives Factor and Whitbreads drive in the van All I could see was Daly Thompson eating a bowl of start cereal With a Ritter Sport in his shorts I can't be doing Daly Thompson There it is, here he is The heart wants what it wants really

So weird. I'm so sorry. No, don't be sorry. It's charming. But yeah, would there be a sports personality going round? I don't want to be harsh to like Woolworth Road, but I just feel like they wouldn't go to that one. It's not a flagship store, is it? It feels like maybe Piccadilly Circus, maybe, yeah, of course.

But to Woolworth Road, on a, what is it, a Wednesday? It is a Wednesday, yeah. Yeah, would you appear on a Wednesday morning? Like, would Fatima go on a Wednesday morning? I think she would. Maybe on the way. up. Maybe those are the gigs you play the early. It's the open spot circuit

of the public appearance. They say you appear at the Sports Direct twice in your career. And it's it's good to be back. Steve back. It's good to be Steve Backley. Maybe a lioness.

I could see a lot. If she's a local hero. Yes. Okay. That makes sense. I could do a lioness. Currently they're all doing the rounds. Yeah. maybe. They're about, aren't they? They are, they are.

They're like, this year, I think the lionesses are holding the position that last year the gladiators were having where it was like between September and December, they were everywhere. You don't feel surprised to sort of see Nitro, just standing in a branch of Halifax. Apparently, that's what you're doing today. Yeah. Like, Christmas lights being turned on, the lionesses are going to be all over the country doing shifts.

They're going to be current. Like, the gladiators are they're going to have one off this year while the lineesses take them. They're doing it. Forget about Christmas lights turning on. Yeah. Have you ever been asked to do it? Oh, no. You're surely like hometown heroes of where you're from.

No. By the way, can I... Not even in my house. We're not allowed back. Can I tell you, we were doing a gig in Wolverhampton once? And the Express and Star wrote an article about it. And they asked to speak to Tom and Ben and do a photo shoot. And I was like, this is great, we're going to...

And the headline was, Friends Return to City. And there was just a picture of Tom and Ben. And it looked like they were just meeting up down the pub, which I mean, technically they were. Just one of us stood on a chair. Yeah. Not even comedians. Like, not always don't know.

Not comedians do shows. Which would have sold some tickets. But no, Friends Return to City. And just a picture of two people you've never seen before. Which happens all the time, doesn't it? It happens every Christmas. Friends return to City. It's like we'd just come back from uni or something.

It was such a funny. Such a funny headline. Did you call your family and go, we're going to be in the paper. For the pipe bar. We're back. The city. I reckon my school bully's going to see that.

It'll be so jealous. He found a friend in the end. I'm glad he's returning to the city. He's going to get like, fucking roasting. I'll be waiting for him. I'm waiting for him. Well, if I was in charge of Wolverhampton, I'd have asked you to turn on the light. The dream.

Thank you. Is your man a fleet? Are you from fleet? I'm from fleet, yeah. They've not asked me to do the lights. Famous for the services, of course. They're famous for the services. equidistant between London and Southampton

M3, northbound southbound. Good services. Really good. Top three for a while in the country next to Heston Leil-Lamere. Of course. And you can dine. Alfrusco. Yeah. That's southbound, of course. If Southbound, doing it for you, northbound is accessible by a pedestrian bridge.

I love that. Love it, but they've got a crossover. Yeah. I just like to always point that out to people. But Fleet is not coming off. I had a pizza at the Peter Express at Fleet Services at the start of our wedding weekend on the way to get married. It's how we kicked off the weekend You're welcome

Back there for the honeymoon Yeah There's a day's in There's a day's in Do the other side You can't stay So what else has Fleet got You got your services

That would I say the main thing be Did you grow up in a service Is that the town That's our town We've got a pond And it's called Fleet Pond And the main road It's called Fleet Road

And the service is called Fleet Services And that's pretty Have you got a street? Well, no, mainly roads. Up the street, upper street, which takes you up to Fleet Road. Fleet Road, of course, yeah. Yeah, and it's charming. Because Fleet Street, of course, we've got one of those in London.

Yeah. That's where the papers are. Yeah, you've got the main one already up here. So we had to just sort of go like, we can't call it. Yeah, we'll call it Fleet Road. But have you, do they have a turning on of the lights by the Fleet Road? And who's done it? I feel like, when I was growing up, it was definitely the people who were doing the

Panto at Harlington. Of course. Yeah. The Pantos. But we, we didn't see the Pantor. because my mom was rivals with the Panto. She am drama. She was like she ran her own drama school.

Of course. And yeah, she like had a rivalry with the Panto. It makes so much sense to your dance moms, aren't you? You come from dance moms. Yeah, I totally get it. So we wouldn't, we'd go to Oldershot to see the Panto. Oh really? You'd go to another dance boycott.

Yeah. A big Christmassy boycott. Yeah. We're all getting. And all my students, you're all coming with me. We're all going to Old Shroth. You'd park the minibus out of that. We will meet outside the theatre where they're doing the fucking Panto.

Flip the bus. Yeah, exactly. Meet in the Harlington Centre car park. Get in the car. Tell them to go fuck themselves. And then we're going on to shop. We're driving to a military barracks where they're doing... Where they are going to be doing a Pantau for us.

Ironically, in a fleet. The troops are going to be entertaining us. It's a flip reverse on a popular theme. And then it got really tense because I started working at the Harlingen Center where they had the Panto. Oh, no. You crossed the picket line. Oh, my goodness. You've got a rebel, though.

As a kid, you've got to rebel. Well, some of my friends were in the Fleet Panto. So I remember going one year, but I remember going, going like, let's see, shall we? Yeah. Let's see. And it was fine, obviously. That's a good panace. Did you say to your mom, I'm going to work there?

And she said, oh, no, you know, I don't know who it isn't. Okay. That's all the time we've got. Let him up another go. Okay. Give them another take. We'll do it. Because there's a gag in here, Harry, and you've got it, mate.

It is worth finding it. Just leave that one. Behind you. Um, mom. I'm at the Panto, it's my new job. Yeah. Oh, no, it isn't. Oh, yes, it is. It wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth it. But it always worth it. You can't go back, can you? So, but have you, you haven't had an offer to.

It's behind me. Which he said. I said a second ago. Yes. I did that. I'm afraid. Sorry. But anyway, listen, let's not, let's not worry about that, Tom. It's behind you. That was really lovely. That was really lovely. That was really lovely. Thank you, everybody. Yes, yes, yes. Very good. I now declare these lights.

Is that how it works? Top spat all over himself. Wait, can we please? It went up and then down. It went up and went up. It was amazing. The water went up. Get the nose and back down.

Up and down. I'd like to go now, please. Can we get a replay on that? A reply. Could I get to rewind? Can I get a replay on that, please? I love the Midlands accent. Oh, you're welcome.

Have you ever turned on your lights? No, because I'll tell you what, I'm from Bromley, so you've got Rob Beckett. You've got Tom Allen. And this year, I don't think she's doing them, but this year, breakout star Lola Young, went to my daughter's primary school. Wow. Not the same time. But yeah, a big, big thing, you know, Lola Young's very, very popular. So I'm just, I just don't income.

What I want to do, though, is I want to call up the, I want to call up the, I want to call up the, I want call up the council and say, listen, is anyone turning off the lights this year? That's a great idea. January 6th, I'll bet, you know, oh, actually, I'm busy on January 6th. I forgot. Never forget. But yeah, I think we'll be really fun to do to say. And, like, no one's going to be there, because there must be somebody who actually flips the switch there. No one's there, and I would just do it from my Instagram. Please film this, yeah. I would love to do it. Because it's usually, Tom's done it. I think

Rob's done it. Yeah, of course. You'd ask them. Of course, you'd ask them. You've got to do that. But I would love to be the going. He turns off the lights every year. Charlie, who's Wolverhampton got? I reckon... There is a ton of people. There's a guy who came runner up in Pop Idol. Doesn't sound like there's a ton of people.

Oh, Wolverhampton. But a few. Loads. Loads. We cannot stop pumping out excellence. The guy that I think came runner up a Pop Idol one. Slade. Slade.

Actually, no, I tell you like he was a runner on a series of Pop Idol. Now, I think about it. Yeah. He still beats us out. Let's be honest, there's Beverly Knight. Beverly Knight, there's this guy that came... There's Dave Hill from Slade. There's Slade.

There's the guy who came runner up in Pope Idol. Bullie must have done it. Yeah, like there's the walls contingent. Does, as Robert Plant ever done it? Plant is in there. I don't think he's ever done it, no. He puts the tree up. He plants that.

The thing's back, guys. The thing's back. So quick. We're back again. But there are, there are other people. basically. Tom, it doesn't sound like there are, Tom. I'm not going to be able to give them to you now, Hannah.

I feel like they're bringing people in the board sweet museum. Tom might be hearing anything about him. Good news. We are live streaming the Pappy's Flat Shared Slamdown Christmas show on the World Wide Web. Yes, on Monday, December 8th at 7pm GMT, you can watch Nish Kumar and Amy Annette go head to head from the comfort of your own electronic device. Tickets are £8.7 pounds, if you're a member of our Patreon. And they're available from pappiescom.com forward slash live. That's pappiescombe.com forward slash live.

Or from the Underbelly Boulevard website. If you can't watch the show live at 7pm, don't worry. The link will remain active once the show is over. But do get your tickets before the show begins to avoid disappointment. Don't miss the live stream of Pappy's flat share slam down, special with our guests, Nish Kumar and Amy Annette, Monday, December 8th, 7pm GMT on the internet. Go to pappiescomcom forward slash live and make your Christmas the merriest one yet. What do you think of that, Tom?

I want to do it in Fleet. No, actually, maybe I wouldn't. Maybe it would be really embarrassing. I think you'd be good. Maybe the turnout would be bad and then it would just be me and my mum just sort of going like, Are people turning out for it anyway, is the question? Yeah. Because it's like, I don't know if that's the case.

I mean, I've, I've not been to one since I was a kid, so I wouldn't know. Well, can I tell you? Did you go to one as a kid? Yeah. I think I worked at one when it's, that's in the Panto. I was doing it, and I was dressed up as, like, chorus on the Panto, even though I wasn't in the Panto. You weren't a Panto kid. You weren't a Panto Kid. You didn't know if that was nice or mean what I just said.

You were drama kid, weren't you? We were a drama kid. Oh, I was a drama kid, yeah. Me too. School plays? Can I ask a really private question? Please. Were you ever wronged in a school play and you've never forgiven the teacher for not giving you the part you deserved?

No. Me neither. I don't hold a grudge about something in year eight. Yeah, it's fine. What was the show? Mid-Summer night's dream. I should have been Helena. I was a fairy, but I should have been Helenna.

You should have been Helena? I know. You should have been Helena, yeah, totally. I know. I know. Granted they gave it to a year 11, which made. sense and I was year eight but it should have been me but I reckon you were dramaing at a year 11 level even at year 8 100% of course you were then that is weird what's that like like no I wasn't

talented but I had like I like everyone would have heard me yeah everyone would have heard me in the room projection which is acting at that age yeah totally absolutely just being loud and confident and I would have learned every word I'm sure you would and I would have been at every rehearsal and I would have asked for more rehearsals. What fairy were you? You mustard seed. Cobweb. Oh, yeah.

You've been a good mustard seed. I mean, that means a lot. That genuinely means a lot. I remember being told I hadn't got it. And it was like, and like, the teacher called me in to her form room in the morning. And I was like, I got it. I've been given a lead in a year. You wouldn't call me in otherwise.

Can you believe I've been given a lead in here, right? I'm walking at my form room looking at all of my classmates. Like, I'm leveling up. Like, we're not even going to talk. for the next time at school. I'm going to be with the 10th in Year 11s. It's a talent. They figured it out. And I walk in, the teacher goes, so obviously

is going to, her name's Laura, in year 11. And I was like, obviously what? Excuse me? Oh, no. You have to do a real kind of like... And then she went, and I know this is going to be very disappointing to you because I like, I'd given it everything in the auditions. Yeah.

I like, I gave it everything. And we did recalls. And I think it was the only time our school has ever done a recall for anything. So it was close. And it was me and this girl, and I remember seeing I come in and I knew her because she was at my mum's drama school. But she was like, four foot two. And I was like, well, they can't, it would make no sense. Yeah, totally.

Helen is famously tall. And I crushed the audition. And they did not go my way. And they crushed you. And then. But it's a hell of a climb down to be top two vying for Helena. To a ferry. To a cobbway.

Yeah. I know. Like, one line. One line. Who's at the top, right at the top? Titania. No, no. She's the fair.

fairy queen, who's the one who's getting married at the top? Like, even her. Oh, that begins with the H. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like, there's like fucking, there's other, but Cobbweb, that's... I need to get over it though. It was, it was, it was dark. I was like, what, 11? And I'm still like, I still remember sitting in her form room. Yeah. And being like, you, what? And like, thinking that my world was ending. But I'm just thinking in order to drop all the way down to Cobbweb, you might have, you might have fucked the audition. The callback. What did you do different than the callback?

Tom's rewriting Helen's entire life. One second. Wait, we need to take a back seat here because this is worse than the Ballsweet Museum. Are you serious? It's just worth on picking, basically. Because how are you going from vying for Helena to Cobweb?

You've got to have done something wrong. And I think that might help you. I think this might help you process it. Tom, Tom. I've got that teacher on Facebook. I'll fucking message her. I'll do it. Let's do it.

We've got it. Let's get her involved. Tom, it's just getting you no closer to licking Helen's teeth, you know. What is wrong with you? Well, no, what's wrong with your audition? It was really good, actually.

Oh, yeah, so good that they thought. She's got to be cobweb. Because I made my mum practice. Yeah, great. Yeah, no, first audition you did really well. You get all the way to, yeah. Incredible. Yeah, hard.

So good that they gave you cobweb. So good that they were like, we can't let this year eight supersede everyone. we have to follow the rules of age. It was an ageism suit. It was an ageism problem. Yeah, let's go with that. And then I also think that maybe it's the end.

The end of the podcast. I think it might be the last episode, certainly. This is coming from a kid who clearly got everything he wanted at school, school play-wise. I was a year-eight lead. No, you weren't. I swear to you was. Actually, yeah, he was. But as a whole school player, it wasn't year-nine to year-seven.

It wasn't like lower school. I was a year-eight and year-nine lead, lead against year-levels. One second. What were the plays? Every man. Don't know that? Amadeus. Amadeus is a big one.

Wait, were you, you were at Mozart, not Sallieri? I was Mozart. And when it was Greece, I was the only lower school kid to be a T-bird or a pink lady. Which one were you? That was Jan. No, no. So I was the only non. I mean, I know you're frowning like I'm lying, but I'm not lying.

I don't think, I don't think it's, but all I'm saying is, you think you're lying, Tom. I just think it's like. This is just such, like, it's privilege. It is privileged, but it's all... Well, it could be privilege or it could be talent. I don't know. It's one of...

So you're saying I wasn't talented. I'm saying you ended up as corporate, but I'm just saying that... Because of ageism. But I don't... Because of ageism. Not because of lack of talent. Get out of the hell of speech right now. I'll do it.

I'll riff the hell on... Rift the helen speech for us, come on. I'll do it. Something about like, I really fancy him and he doesn't fancy me and I'm really tall and he should go with me instead of go with him. And let's go to the woods and let's fuck. I think that both If you did say that

then that Give her the heart You're lucky to get Colbub after that If physically I was right for it Can I just say Is this an example of The Patriarchy?

I think we can I think I mean it was a female drama teacher Of course And it was like Whatever But like either way I still think

That was patriarchy involved Yeah Somewhere along the way You got leads That must have felt really powerful I mean It was the best time of my life It's been downhill since then

Tom peaked at 11 How did your school announce the school plays? They'd put a list up on the wall Greece was the big one like Greece is the word I mean there was Greece mania

all over school everyone was talking about it that summer so it was the big thing and you all gathered around to see the list and people turned around and going yes

I think that's the coolest thing ever it's cool it was amazing yeah I wish they announced things in comedy like that like we found out if we got like

the comedy awards yeah yeah yeah You'll have to run to one of the coffee shops in Edinburgh and be like, did I, did I? Did I? Did I? To black medicine. They're crying on the street. What does it mean? They used to put it up on a board. No, they call you. They used to give you, they used to call you and then it would be in the papers. Or they used to, when originally there was no short list and they just walk on after your show. And that's how it used to be. Yeah. So, yeah. So when it first started, you would be getting to the end of your show and like, this is your life. Exactly. Yeah. Which was the draught. And I think, now, because it was Cambridge Footlights who won it the first ever year.

Cambridge Footlights won it the first of a year. And I think Rowan Atkinson wanted on stage, like came on stage and was like, here you go, guys. You've won the award. It's the best show at the fringe, you know, from one footlights person to another footlights person and gave it to sort of, you know, Emma Thompson and Hugh Lorry and Stephen Frye and that gang. Wow. But yeah, so it used to be that there wouldn't, there would be no shortlist. You wouldn't know. And just at the end of the...

Now, the same thing happens, but just behind. the scenes with TV jobs. Here we go. Just the footlights. Let's do a handshake. Come on. Let's do group handshakes. Here we go.

Here we go. I can tell you quite a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also I went to Cambridge. I didn't. I don't have an A level. Don't worry. Don't worry.

You're a good company. You're a good company. I would have studied drama at university if I went, though. Of course. Of course. Of course. And I would have put on all the plays. And I would have been the person in charge of all of the groups.

As you'd have put on Midsomite's Dream every year. I was in Midsomite's Dream eventually with the Farnham Shakespeare Company. And yes, I did play Helena. Here we go. Here we go. It's got a happy ending. Yeah, I did it for Amdram. Yeah, I did it for Amdram.

That still counts. Like mother, like daughter. Like mother like daughter. Hey, and there's still time. And I was brilliant. And I was brilliant in Farnham. Brilliant. The Maltings hasn't recovered, has it?

Well, it wasn't the Maltings, no. Sorry to Rake over old graves there But you know It was at a school It was at the school We went to the hall out in the summertime You piece of shit

I'll tell you I relate though Because And I've told this story before I got part taken away from me Right I got a part taken away from me Sorry So I was playing one of the profits

In a passion play At the At my primary school Right And they said I was giving it so much It was making the other two profits Looked like

They weren't giving it enough By the way, imagine that note, right? Are you joking? And so I said, I said, you know what? Actually, I said, you know what? Forget it. Forget it. And they said, you can be a soldier instead.

I said, I'm not even going to do that. And I said, my mom, not going to school for three days. And so the days they were doing the show, just didn't go to school. And then on the third day, he rose. Yes, absolutely. And he went, I'll do anything. I'll walk feet in the background. I'm obviously, I'm Joseph for this.

Come on. I don't care. I'll be the top of the cross. But yeah. Can I say that? Your incredible and your integrity is something that I think a lot of us in the industry, myself included, could really look up to it. It's all down.

It was all down here. I've done some shit job since then. I think you have. I had more integrity at the age of eight than I do now. I think it's quite a good way to be, actually. So I was just thinking, because you did end up being Helen and a Midnight's Dream. Yeah, but like six years later. Clarkie was also in a Midd's Night's Dream and played one of the lovers.

Yeah. And I'm just trying to work out whether you were Lysander or Demetrius. I think that's Demetrius, yeah. Which means... Is Demetrius the one I fancy? That's the one that you fancy, yeah. Demetrius is the horrible one. That's...

Well, we... It's just saying it's uncanny. What's going on here is we have a Demetrius and a Helena. And obviously you both... I was bottom. I was bottom. And I went to see it at Regis Park. I should know what, though?

Because we've got a great... Wait a second. An amazing Peter Quince right here. Oh, yeah, totally. I could do Quintz. You would... You would nail Quince. You would be...

wonderful. Yeah. So, but if you remembered any of your lines, then you could maybe give us a little scene now, just a little, because it sounds like you still do.

Demetrius. Yes. I fancy you. Oh, well, I don't. Oh, no. I hope we find a potion from a big fairy.

Well, that wouldn't happen. Or would it? E. Very good. Probably sure what Peter Quince does, so I just nodded that. Wait, when did you? Play Demetrius.

At college. Sixth form college? Uh... Sixth form college. You didn't go to university college. Come on, mate. You didn't go uni either? Me neither.

Too thick or just couldn't figure it out. Yeah, a bit of everything. It's hard the U-Cast thing, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Should we leave them to... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I know Matt went to uni. You went to uni? I'm genuinely shocked. one second where took you that's where we met Manchester is it no no no no no no no University of Kent at Canterbury so it doesn't really count doesn't count does it? It was basically a big six-form college for three years oh lovely

did you study drama an English lit really cool what did you study I studied English in film and speak English and occasionally watch a film so I've kept it up worked out pretty well. It's worked out pretty well. I just watched Goodfellas. Isn't it? I'm going to say it. I think it's bloody brilliant. It is good, isn't it? I think it's bloody brilliant. What drew you to Goodfellers at this? My housemates said I had to watch because I hadn't seen it yet and he was very upset.

Boy, of course a boy. Yeah, yeah. I don't know why you've been asked. Yeah. Do you know what? If he says Scarface, nah, just leave it. Really? Not that good? It's fine. Oh, okay. Have you seen Citizen Kane? Yeah. Mid. it's just okay well it's we have to stop the episode now yeah so there it was the brilliant Helen Bowen now now

so there it was the brilliant Helen Bowen now Helen's got a new podcast I don't remember what it's called let's give her a microphone but it might be it's called Helen's Log Helen's Log Helen's log Helen grab that for one second you can do the outro with us My name's Helen Bauer and I do a podcast called Helen's log and I have had a wonderful, why do I feel so into? I've had the best day of my life. Yes. Can you give us a mint update? What's happened to your board's week? The mint has fully

disintegrated, top left quadrant on my mouth slightly dry, rest minty fresh before I have a cigarette on the street. That kind of turned into a shipping forecast of your mouth. Yeah. Which I would listen to actually. That's what I do on my book. What is your podcast? Mainly mouth update. Is it wet? Is it dry? Oh, Christ. Anyway, well, that's one to get on whatever, wherever you get your podcast. And thank you for listening to this podcast as well. We've got the answer, by the way, about Ritter Sport.

We've got the answer. In fact, Ed looked it up while we were recording this. And the answer is... It fits in a sports jacket. Now, are we thinking a sports jacket being like a kind of blazer-y type? Yeah, it's quite classy. I'm imagining it's top pocket. We should also say that sports jackets aren't very sporty,

falls into the category of things we were talking about. Yeah. Yes, indeed. No one's putting those blazers on anymore to, to run. Did they have? No, I think they'd wear them to go on to the tennis court and things like that. To watch sport more than anything else. Or to, no, no, to go, yeah, like Roger Fed or a war or like one to replicate it.

Got you. I haven't. Anyway, it doesn't matter. We've got to move on. Thanks so much for listening to this episode. Don't forget to like and subscribe. if you're watching us on YouTube. Follow us on Instagram,

follow us on TikTok, and have a wonderful time. It was filmed by Ed Moore. It was produced by Emma Cautium. Cautium team. Cheers, everyone. Hi, Emma. Hi, Emma.

Hi, Corsham. Hi, Emma. Bye. Bye. Bye. Please do that with every guy.