Pappy's Flatshare - Festive Special 2016

Episode Date: December 19, 2016

Ho Ho Ho! Eleanor Tiernan and Lloyd Langford are Pappy's little helpers for this very merry festive special. It's crammed full with yuletide goodies, including... Clare Balding, geese, the Irish Times, a shelf, Naughty Peter, robins, 'tree flips' and Advocaat!If you want to give us a Christmas present, then what we'd love is the gift of exposure. Help us spread the word about the show: gift it to a friend, secret-santa it to your entire following on social media... or why not make a loved one the offering of all the Flatslam in existence (just put the URL comedy.co.uk/pfs into a Christmas card - sure it'll look cheap, but they'll thank you for it eventually).Please do also 'like' our Facebook page, follow Pappy's and Producer Ben on Twitter @pappystweet @_ben_walker and visit Pappy's Tumblr. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15th.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your grosso mates. No, that's not, it sounds bad, doesn't it? Please welcome your flatmates for the evening, it's Pappy! Yay! Cheers! Here we go, everybody. Here we go. We're in a real trouble.

Merry Christmas. Yay! And a Happy New Year! Happy New Year to you all. Happy 2017, guys. My God! Thank God it's over. We did it! Merry New Year to you all. Happy 2017, guys. My God! Thank God it's over. You did it!

Merry Christmas, war is over as John Lennon famously sang. I've only just begun. It's only just begun. Let's not talk about that. No. Oh, be don't. If you want to talk about, I'll put it in a face. The phrase, let's not talk about that.

Should normally you follow by, let's talk about, well, welcome, everybody to Flagshier's Land Down. As regular listeners will know, we always start our Christmas episode with a festive sketch. The idea is each month we're trying to avoid doing a household chore, and the household festive chore this time is decking the halls with bows of holly. So what a bind.

What a bind, we found ourselves in. We've all been there. Tom, bae. What is it, Matthew? What is he, Matthew? Yeah, what is he? Well, one of you two is going to have to deck the halls with Bowls of Holly. Oh, ho, ho, no! It's not going to be me!

I only handle spreeks. It's not going to be me. I don't know what... It means. Well, there's only one way to settle this. I'm just trying to be both drunk. Yeah, I don't know what it means. Well there's only one way to settle this. I'm probably both drunk. Yeah, I could tell. I mean that's the key.

That's the key thing. That's the key thing. We've both been drinking since midday. Yeah, we should let the whole... We shouldn't deck the halls. We shouldn't do a podcast, really, but... But we're doing it anyway. There's only one way to settle this.

We're gonna have to have a festive flash! Yes, slam down! Hello and welcome to a very festive flash. Yes, slam down. The panel show that says, snow is falling all around me. Children playing, having fun It's the season of loving, understanding Merry Christmas, everyone, boom, boom

Time for parties, and celebrations Yeah, no, we'll do that That's slow clapping you off. Time for parties and celebrations. People dancing all night long. Time for presents and exchanging kisses. Time for singing Christmas songs. We're gonna have a party tonight

I'm gonna find that girl Underneath the mistletoe We'll kiss by candlelight Room is waiting Records playing All the old songs Love to hear Oh, I wish that every day was Christmas.

What a nice way to spend the year. We're gonna have a party tonight. I'm gonna find that girl underneath the mistletoe We'll kiss by candlelight. Snow is falling, snow is falling all around me. All around me all around me children playing Having fun having fun is the season of love and understanding Merry Christmas

Everyone I'm host Lano Machi cross me all the under my festive room They'll be following my festive rules. I mean that was a tough old time for everybody concerned. I feel pretty sorry for the people who decided to clap. Give your hands a nice rest now guys. They won't do it again tonight. They won't do it again. That's the end of the applause. There's a guy on the front that's just got bloody stumps. Yeah, he cut his legs off, people are so upset. Cut his legs off to throw them at Matthew. Well, I hope there won't be another point tonight where the joke is the song that is on

too long. Yeah. So, as I said, while they're under my festive roof, they'll be following my festive rules, let's meet the tenants. Matthew's little helpers, it's Tom Perry and Ben Clark! So, Ben and Dick Clark, why do you look so appalled when I say, deck the halls? Well, I'm not going to deck the halls because this year I'm actually living with the Queen and if you want to redecorate it's going to cost the taxpayers over £360 million. We're probably a bit of topical there. Lovely, the topical.

Parry, though. Why do you think it's folly to use Bowser folly? I'm not going to do that Matthew because I had a torrid time of it. You used it, though. Not a torrid time. A real torrid time. I hate it when you have a torrid time. I mean, I was on, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. You worked. Famously. Obviously, I didn't do as well as Joel Dommit's been doing Friend of the show Joel Dommit friend of the show Joel Dommit

But I was out very early on because I failed my first challenge. I had to carry the hosts of the show Across there was water spewing over a cliff. I had to carry them out to traverse them. You had to traverse across this very dangerous natural feature. Um, I mean, I was nearly there and then at one point I slipped. I thought I was going to fall, so I reached out and grabbed one of my fellow guests, Miss Willoughly. I ripped a shirt off. I don't know. Through it onto a rock and used it to swing the hosts across the safety.

Oh my goodness. I am to deck debt the falls with blows of Holly. Well Christmas has certainly come early as indeed have I. Now obviously very early for that. Very early for that but I enjoyed that story so much. It was a real Torrid time Thomas so I've surged Obviously Christmas is it time for friends and family but none of them could make it so Who have you brought along instead Tom will start with you? Well the Jamboree is in danger. Oh no I know the festive Jamboree The festive Jamboree we've installed Sunsets Grotto and the chief elf has died the shelf

The shelf The shelf died Hey shelf So I got on the blur to Ireland The chief elf has died. The chief elf. Yeah. The chief died. Hey, chief. So I got on the blow to Ireland. They said over chief elf herself, it's Eleanor Tien. Eleanor Tien. Tien. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Did you... Chief elf herself? Yes, we live and breathe. Eleanor, it's great to have you here. Thanks for coming on the show. Are you a good flat mate? I think I'm a good flat mate, but there are people who would disagree. You're flat mate? Yes. Yeah, I have a tendency to avoid conflict, which is not a good thing ultimately. I think

I had a situation that while I go in Ireland, I managed to leave the heater on in my bedroom over Christmas while there was nobody in the house. So I got back and realised that I had done that and I had a choice about whether I was going to tell everybody and take responsibility for what I had done. Did I know? I communicated my mistake to them to a newspaper article that I wrote in Ireland and it all came to a head. What do you think? Just off was it a slow news day? Just woman leaves me to roll the all Christmas. Look they gave me a card, I was like, back it.

You've got to fill it with something. Yeah, you've got to read something. And what are you being sitting there watching television and my house making back and through the newspaper into my face? What's it? We got it out in the open anyway, so. a'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r gwaith yw'r Sorry, I went so packed but he doors any way. Was it basically, we all wasn't fed. We all find out what Ellen thinks of today. We'll be by the Irish Times, yeah, yeah. Which I assume is, anyway, so Irish Times. Is there an Irish Times?

Yes. Lucky guess. No, I'm not. I imagine you get that at the top of the morning. Anyway, so, oh my God. Oh my God. Get rid of that myth. Get rid of that myth. There's more distance, Brexit. Now I know, since Brexit, people have beenr... Oh my god. You are. Get rid of that, Mick. Get rid of that.

There's more distance Brexit now I notice. Ever since Brexit, people have been making these kind of jokes. You think I'm sort of a sort of product of Brexit Britain? I think you've been emboldened by the race. Well. I mean, I'm allowed to be. I fucking voted for it. So much.

Marching or as guys piss off. Anyway, on that happy note, Glocky. Are you the son of an immigrant? No, Glocky, are you? Glocky. What is going on? I don't know. It's Christmas summer, I've had a couple of wines. Glocky, who have you brought along with you this time?

I'm for Boris Johnson, no, I'm not. I bought my Santa Claus. I'm not thought about it before you posed the question. I bought Santa himself. It's Lloyd Langford. Lloyd Langford is here. Lloyd, it's great to have you here. Are you a fan of Christmas? Are you a Christmasy guy, a person? I like Christmas. I go into trouble when I was younger because I was the first person in my junior school class who didn't believe in father Christmas. How old were you? What age? 10. What? That seems late. Eight. Now we're talking! Continuant to those.

The hardest boy in the class, Darren Long, he offered a fight to me because he said that he'd seen Father Christmas in his bedroom with one day. But the problem was, another child in my class, who I probably shouldn't name, he went home and he told his very young sister that Father Christmas didn't exist and then his mum rang up my mum and said Lloyd has told my son that Father Christmas doesn't exist and my mum went he doesn't. Well, we have met our contestants and what a festive team of winners they are, but first, a riddle. Why is a single ball ball like the next part of the show? That's right, it's Let's in the round one jingle! If must, inspired by Rudyard Kipling. If you can keep your head on Black Friday and not lose out on a bargain or two,

if you can trust yourself to not cry at John Lewis but make allowance for that old man on the moon. If you can wait for Santa and not be tired of waiting, or when time ribbons on presents make sure they're all tied, or being bloated still carry on eating and don't talk too loud during more common wise. If you can have cream and ice cream on your pudding, if you can get drunk and still play family games, if you can meet both parents and the in-laws and pretend you like their presence just the same. If you compare to sit through Mrs Brown's boys and not disagree when your family thinks

it rules and watch the Lego house you built with your nephews Get broken and stop and build it up without losing your call. If you can make one heap of all your presents, And remember to write that thank you card. If you can nail your secret center at work, And drink at the Christmas party party but not go too hard. If you can force your heart and nerve and sin you to give one more Brussels sprout a goal and face traffic jams when the roads are freezing and keep the will to say, whole whole. If you can talk to grandparents and thank them for vouchers

or listen to the Queen speak with a common touch, if a mistletoe smudge with a friend won't hurt you, then you can spend money on presents but not too much. If you can feel the unforgiving day with 24 hours worth of constant food, then yours is Christmas and everything that's in it and which is more you won't be a scooge. That was my way, that's Tom, that's brought a teetier eye and you were the one who wrote it and performed it. Yeah, it just went down very badly, that's all.

Alex, that was the one that made me feel very festive. It's going to be the only ronde where the intro is longer than the ronde. No, no, we've got three more of them. Round one is all about Christmas traditions from around the world. I'm going to give each contestant a weird festive tradition from somewhere in the world that then have to make up two fake traditions from the same country on the spot and give us all three. If the opposing team can work out, which is the real ritual, they win a point, if they

can't, the point goes to the liar. It's a game we like to call three lies men, even though there are only two lies and we aren't all... They don't think too hard about it, alright guys. Tom, you're up first, your country is the US of A. And there is your one real ritual. So give us three interesting rituals about Christmas from the US of A. Can the rest of us get ours in there? No, because you've got to listen to what Tom's saying. LAUGHTER This is going to be really hard, isn't it?

LAUGHTER It's not Ben. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Tom. You're boring me, Tom. You need to think me, Tom. But Ben, I got you, brother. You mustn't shirk hard work, alright? There's a reason we're here is because we never did any hard work. Right, that's how...

Tom, can you get me that please? It is tradition in the Southern States of America, the night before Christmas, to place the turkey on a shelf for at least half an hour. Well that helps. Whilst the family applaud. Mill around. Okay, constantly clumping for half an hour.

I can't sit here. I can't sit for half an hour. I mean the audience had already heard my song, so they were known. It is humanly possible. Yes. Americans will sometimes hide a gherkin or a pickle. Some sort of small pickled cucumber type affair.

Yes. Inside the Christmas tree. Yes. As in, they'll hollow out the trunk. And you ever find it, gets good luck for the year. So to blotting a turkey or a shove for half an hour, or a pickle within a Christmas tree. Yeah. Okay.

Everything to play for on this third one. On the third one. In his tradition, in America, the night before Father Christmas comes. Christmas Eve. Yeah. So whereas in this country we leave out mint pies and a glass of milk for Father Christmas. Sure. In America, they leave out a pair of slippers. And the idea is that Father's taking those slippers back with it, right? It's like a gift back.

From every family in America. Yeah, but he's wearing your slippers. Okay. So, Ben and Lloyd, what are you thinking about the game please? Oh, right. Yes. I like the idea of hiding a pickle in a tree. I like the idea of hiding a pickle in a tree. LAUGHTER There is something festive about it. Fancy playing hide. No, I believe it. Yes, that's not festive, that's...

LAUGHTER I like the idea of a pickle of good luck. I applaud in the turkey. But do you think half an hour's worth of applause is the... I mean, that one is clearly ballad. LAUGHTER It's between... You really are your mother's son, aren't you?

You really are your mother's son, aren't you? You really are. Is it like an oven shelf or like a normal? No, no, no. You're going to shelf for the next day. So this is a frozen turkey. No, it can sometimes be a live turkey, like obviously in the real... A live turkey? In the real areas.

It won't stay on a fucking shelf, mate. Well, no, but you'd be tried for as long as you'd be... Is it added in salt to injury, isn't it? They're definitely given that live turkey the wrong vibe. They've sat on the shelf going, they really like me, aren't they? This is great. So go on, I'll push you for an answer. What do you think? It's probably the slippers one.

Okay, then we'll go for the slippers. Tom, what's the correct answer? A pickle. The American terms are good. Oh! He, what's the correct answer? A pickle, the American term for a good kick. He's hidden among the decorations of a Christmas tree, and the child who finds it gets good fortune for the coming year. That is amazing, one point to Tom! APPLAUSE Lloyd, you're up next, Eleanor and Tom, listen carefully. There you go, Lloyd. Your fact is from your home country of Wales.

Home of the Welsh times, the newspaper, from Wales. Lloyd, give us your three facts about your home country of Wales. Shall I start with the first fact? Oh yes, start with the first. Oh no, start with the second. I was just trying to get a bit of thinking home. Tom, how are you feeling?

You had a good... Like, they should start straight. It's tough, though, isn't it? It's like a two-facts. Whilst reading the third. Yeah, it's tough. But we're, you know, we're just... We're doing these skills so we can do it.

Yeah. Without any kind of... With any fap or vinery... With any fap or vinery fap. You can definitely just try to... The good thing about the five of us is we are whipsmart. Yeah, right. We don't need the five of us is we are whipsmart. Yeah, right. We don't need the thinking time.

We can't. Trained improvisers. Totally. Anyway, Lloyd. Go on, off you go. There's a tradition in North Wales that Fava Christmas. Already bought you. Next. F Christmas has a helper called...

We're just about to find out the name of Father Christmas Helper in Wales. So here we go. Nortie Peter. Nortie Peter. Nortie Peter. Norty Peter. Is he a helper or a hinderer? If he's so naughty? Well, he's naughty, but he's a helper for five Christmas to deal with the naughty children. Oh, okay, right. Only a Norf Wales.

Yeah, and if you've been naughty, he leaves you a small poo. So you don't get a present. You get a poo. Get a little poo. Norty Peter. And they're like, well, you've been naughty, so. naughty peaters left a poo on a shelf, and we all have to upload. LAUGHTER I'm suspicious of this, so I'm just... Yeah, you don't want to know.

I reckon we all are. I'll do the second one, sure. Yeah. After the Second World War, Oh, yeah. LAUGHTER Yn gweithio'r ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd. Ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd. Mae'r ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd. Mae'r ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd. Mae'r ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd.

Mae'r ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd. Mae'r ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd. Mae'r ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd. Mae'r ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd. Mae'r ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd yn ysgwyrdd. The Scandinavian country Norway, they sent Wales a tree as gratitude for the Welsh Guards helped during the Second World War, and they sent the tree back and said we've got our own trees. It does sound like something Mrs Langford would do. Okay, third fact.

In part of Southern Wales, like where I'm from, a villager is chosen at Christmas time. A villager, yes. He's selected a villager. Yes, the grab a villager, yes. He's selected to parade around the village with a horse's head on a stick. LAUGHTER

horses head on a stick. I think to symbolise the reindeer. It's like we I'm going to reindeer but like we're nothing if not plucky. It's a pity Norway didn't send a reindeer. OK, well, Tom and Eleanor. It's got to be number two, right? No. No, three, I think three. What was his head on his stick? Yeah, sorry. I like the horse's head on his stick. There was something about the...

Of course you do, you're Irish. This is what I think is. I don't think Wales is big enough to have such a difference between what happens in Christmas in North Wales and South Wales. So I was immediately suspicious of North Wales. Already, Nifty sent me the right. That's odd, I'm a half-well. Tom, are they not like North or South? Yes.

Oh, very good. Are they not like sort of black country traditions from where you're from that are specific to that, that could happen? What it says to me is the additional detail of a liar. Oh my God. Right? This has got really tough. Yeah.

That's where my suspicions are. I thought, I like the word villager. And I just didn't think Lloyd would think of that. It's a big word. Can I tell you now? It's a big word. I know Lloyd, and he thinks of nothing else. You don't think Lloyd would think of the word villager.

Why not? I just thought you'd put a word to come up with and you seemed under pressure. He's from the land of Dylan Thomas. He's got poet's blood running through his body. I'm not getting that light. I'm just... Sounds like you are, mate. You're getting the Welsh in general.

Yeah. I do have poet's blood running through my body from a sexual encounter of undue motion. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. That's some reason involved blood. He's a very relentless lover.

He put me into oblivion. What could be more effective than Whitenred? Let's move on before it gets too grubby. What's your answer? What? It's choosing. Two. It's to the correct answer. No.

Oh! Read us out the real facts. In part of Southern Wales of Wales, of village. The male village with the horses in her skin, mate. Too big of a... The male villager with the horses in her snake mate Too big of a... I mean it's really impressive as well because that's the first time I've seen that word Okay next up we have We do it twice to get always with this round

Twice too long but It's nice for everyone to have a go. Eleanor, you are going to be up next. You've got Ireland as your country, and here is your actual your tide fat, and tell us three of them please. Great, so I'm delighted to be here and be doing this. How often do you do the podcast? We do it monthly. Okay, okay.

How did you arrive at that decision? Trusting question. It's funny you should ask me that. And I've got a fairly involved answer. You know, if you listen to his answer, then it doesn't help you be telling me. It turns into a genuine conversation. You can tell me. You realise it, yeah. Realising, yes.

So basically, the reason we started doing it was, we wanted to do, with some regularity, so people knew it was going to be coming out in a certain time. So we sort of did it for a while when we were doing four episodes, and we just put them out weekly. And then we'd have like six months off, and it didn't really work.

And we're just basically just trying to build an audience. And it seems to be working. I think people like it coming out monthly. We do another podcast that comes out monthly on the 15th. So there's always something every two weeks from Pappies. That's sort of how it works. And thanks for asking, Mother.

That's all right. I'm sorry. Eleanor, sorry, I got a little distracted there. No problem. He was telling Anarch towards about the Gregorian calendar. Can you give us your three facts please? Sure. There is a particular thing that we do, and it's for the Christmas edition of EastEnders.

In Ireland, for the Christmas edition episode of EastEnders, we turn the television to face the wall. Not a bad choice. Can I just ask you to leave the sound on? Absolutely, yeah. You don't flip it over to another channel. No, no, no, you go on. So you imagine what it must look like. Is that a sign of disrespect?

Yes. There we go. That's fact number one. what it must look like. Is that a sign of disrespect? Yes. There we go. That's fact number one. That's fact or fiction, we don't know at this stage. I mean, we do. But for the sake of gameplay, we don't know at this stage. Eleanor.

Fact number two is that in Ireland, on the 6 sixth of January, we have a tradition called Nullig Numan. Okay. That is where all of the women in Ireland take to the bed, we do nothing, and we insist that any chores and household work is done by the men of Ireland. Ireland, yeah. So women get a day off on January 6th, yeah, okay. Not like them on. What is it, sort of, translators?

It's a women's Christmas. Women's Christmas, they're going to start you later Christmas. Yes. Okay. Give us your third facts, please. Third fact is that in Ireland, a Christmas time, dating from something that happened a long time ago, we now use trained robins. Can I just say one of them has to be true? I don't know if I didn't explain the rules. Okay, you train a Robin, yeah? It actually happens in the President's house at the moment. But the Robbins will pick the skin from the turkey.

The old turkey skin, yeah? They'll take the turkey skin off, and it's, I suppose I gestured to kind of against sort of gesture towards towards well it's actually they're kind of doing it to raise awareness of all of people who have suffered from harsh complications. Okay, so yeah, yes. Thank you. Absolutely right. And actually, I think if I had had a heart attack during 2016, nothing would make me feel better About my upcoming surgery then seeing a bird tear off another bird's skin

Ben and Lloyd It's a decision. I thought we'd never have to make it But what do you think is the lie? I would like get to come to my house and read me a story book. For all the people who were worried that the jiggle was going to be longer than the round. They're worried, guys. We've got this covered. I think the women have on the day in bed and the men looking after me. Yeah, I think that one too, actually.

I'm going to tear it in. That's a great answer. That means another point to Ben and to Lloyd. Well done, I know we enjoyed those very, very much. And can you believe it? We're still playing. Benedict Clark. Sadly though, we're quite short on time so you have to get straight into it. We're going straight into it. No time to fa-

Back number one. You know it, it's crazy. I can't believe you didn't go for Turkey as one of the countries. Stop stalling! OK. Japan is my country. First of all, on Christmas Eve, everyone wears a hat. I don't know.

Maybe the thinking time was quite a good idea at the time. Yes, I do. Seconding. OK. I don't know, maybe the thinking time was quite a good idea. Secondly, so first one is everyone's wearing something like a labyrinth. Not as all. Secondly, since 1974, it's been a tradition that you can have Kentucky fried chicken as your Christmas day dinner. You can go to karaoke. You can confuse this with your own dreams. You can have dinner there. You can have a bottle of wine. Oh, 30 quid all in. No, I'm not. Sold, sold mate. Finally, they do what they refer to as the tree flip where they are.

For the listener at home, Parkie did a wonderful mind-worthy pretended to be looking at the piece of paper. Oh, you check, yes, TRIFFIT. That's the correct term. This definitely went down here on this bit of paper. You, uh, it is a tradition to... ...someone's ahold the tree by the base, and you decorate it while it's upside down and then they flip it and they have to leave it. They're not allowed to do any touch-ups on it. They have to leave it in its flipped state. Okay, three flip-no touch-ups, that was one of them and then it was, you've got to wear a hat or you can chow down at KFC. What are you thinking? We think KFC. We think KFC.

KFC is the correct one. Better than KFC as the correct one. Correct! You're the correct one! That is a point to Tom and Eleanor. So at the end of that round, produce a bend. What are the scores? Excitingly, after all that time, it's two-oom!

Oh my God! Oh my God! And it's first to 50, guys. First to 50. So we have no winner. We still do not know who our Carol Decker is going to be as we tapounce into Round 2. What a Christal eye, man! I'm going to do a clean one.

So folks, who loved about it? Tapowl! So deny! Here's round two! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, This week we're playing our version of a festive countdown, which we're calling it's the thought that counts I'm gonna give our contestants a festive scene to play out. However, there is a twist each line Must be one word longer than the previous line starting with one word up to 12 words and then back down again Who knows Who knows could be fun could be awful we don't know Fun? Come here awful. We don't know. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here in both instances, but we are going to play it nevertheless. And the first scene is for Ben and Lloyd. Now, in Santa, asking his chief elf for a favour,

who is going to play who, do you think? I will play the chief elf. I will play Santa. That's teamwork. And we did that with only one word each. No, it's okay. It's not how it works. It's going to be a tough round. Okay. You're seeing off you go. and we did that with only one word each. No, you... Oh, no, it's okay. It's not how it works. It's going to be a tough round.

Okay. You're seeing off you go. Hello. Hello, you. I need fever. Oh. Father Christmas. Not ET. Father Christmas, right? E.T. What favor you like? Will you help me part?

Yes, of course. I will, Santa. Very good. I have a lot. Like I say, it might be fun. Several words, his next one. A lot is no problem. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes.

Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters December 15th. I'm Elf. in select theaters, December 15th. I'm elf.

Mrs. Claus. About Claus. Hang on, why are you calling my wife Claus? Where are we? Sorry about that. I won't do it again. Mate. Let's do it again. Mate.

Don't call me mate. I'm the daddy. Should have said boss. Daddy. You should have said boss. Little elf, I am father. You are my father. Yes, I am. That's good. No. I mean, I think we've all learnt a valuable lesson about improvisation.

It's better when it's shit. Next up, we have Tom and Eleanor and your seat is... Mac is? Are you going to give some points? Oh, er, no. Fuck it, let's leave it to her all for the whole show. I mean, no one really is this for the game play to that. You don't have 12. Yeah? Two? No, I think I was absolutely wonderful display. I'm going to give them

8 points. Next up we have Tom and Eleanor and your seat is Mary and Joseph as they await the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ our Savior in the manger Who is going to play Mary and who's going to play Joseph? What are you fats? I'll go Joe. Let's go traditional Yeah, I'm Mary. Okay, off you go. Are we going up 12 back home? I mean we may as well. Yeah, it took a long time But they did it so you should we only went up to turn I thought yeah Okay, ten it isn't. Mary. Yes, Joseph. I'm so tired.

I think someone may need to reread the Bible. He's going. Too bad it's coming. Fuck me mate! Come on! Can you guess some hot water? Let me tell you what I can! Jesus Joseph! We should remember that from a shooting aim. Now is not the time.

There's something I've been waiting to say sometimes. There's something I've been waiting to say sometimes. What is it you have been waiting to see? I work hard every bleeding day just tryin'. That Irish accent is very good. Do ish again. I tell you something else. I'll do more than that again. What? Will you do again, Joseph? I'm confused by you. I'm going to go home and sit down again. Again. Okay. Go home and sit down.

Busch. No. What do you mean no? Let me. Joseph, it's time you grew up. I'm only 19! Cut me! Loose!

Cut me loose! Are you going back up again? You're on fire. I'm only 19. Cut me loose, you did six. You're on fire. So'm only 19, cut me, lose you did six. You're on fire. So what do I do now? Five, four.

I'm only 19. Fuck off! Lovely. You really brought it back. So what is this? It's time. Sorry. So what is this? It's time. Sorry. Okay, good.

Wait. Hey, Angel, how are you? I love to about that. The amount of disgust Tom had on his face at the entire time he did as and then he did the one coherent sentence. I don't think. I don't know what you're watching, mate. That was amazing. In fact, so much so. Let's have episode two. Let's not. So, I'm going to give you a full ten points. Oh! I'm going to have to read. Produce a bed.

What are the scores at the end of that round? Well, they've got two points more than that. Yes. Better than Lloyd F-10. Tom and Alan have twelve. Hooray! Well, it's not traditional, but it wouldn't be flat-stamped Christmas without some tough old beef. It's beef brothers.

Well, you've got a problem, I'll call it a problem, because you've got a problem, call it a beef. If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you from the sunny now you beef. Or turkey. Or turkey, yeah. It's festive. Yes, it's beef brothers. And because it's Christmas we're going to ask our panelists to sort out a member of the audience's festive Flat-shared-based beef and this one comes from Jenny in our audience now Jenny's problem is this Father refuses to downsize the X must bird Father! No, Father, please! This is the birth.

Father, you mustn't! Father, please! The birth, Father, what would we do? I'm sorry, man. As it were real prick, that yeah. As a judge, I have to remain impartial, so... And there are only two meat eaters and currently no oven space for nut roast.

Okay, tricky situation. So, let's work this out now. Tom and Eleanor, you are on the side of Jenny. Ben and Lloyd, you are on the side of the father. So... Father! Father! Father!

But before all of that, let's pay tribute to my favourite festive treat by having a hot cross examination. Hang on, that's Easter, isn't it? Okay, let's have a cross examination pie. Now, any questions for Jenny? Now remember, Tom and I are on Jenny's side, Ben and Lloyd, you're not. Yeah, how many people are in your family, Jenny? Great question. The Christmas is seven. Seven, so five Virginarians, two meetings.

Two vegans, two veggies, one pesky. Amazing. Oh wow! So, it's only the turkey on it for two people. Goose. Goose. Goose! Oh my god! Daddy, I'm the one! I'm the one with the goose, father! I'm a pesky father, where's the goose?

I think our kiss rests. LAUGHTER So wait. Oh my god. So the two meat eaters are father and mother, is that right? And matea. Sorry. Martha. Is the Nanny, does the Nanny get invited to the dinner? Or is she scrubbing the floor? Yeah, what, what do they help do during the Christmas period? It's father and grandma are the meat eaters.

Father and grandma, okay. And they have a whole goose to themselves Apparently what about the swan Jenny who has the Any further question how long has this been the state of the household? How long's it been five two like are there recent vegans? two years Hips to vegans. Yeah. Okay.

You're all on their side, aren't you? I'm on the dad side. No, you're not. No, no, no. I mean, we all are. But for the purpose of this, you're not. A pen in Lloyd, you may want to take note of the phrase, it's the vegans. It's out there. Any further questions for Jenny before we begin?

Can you elaborate on the cruelty that goes into killing a goose? Just for us briefly, and the reasons why that drove you to becoming a vegan? It's not a morosey gig. No. We're going to start. Hopefully that's enough information for you to make your cases. Without further ado, I'm going to call upon Eleanor Tinen to begin the case for the prosecution Eleanor Tinen, your minute begins now. Absolutely. This is a case closed. Okay, great.

closed. Okay great. Done. Who do? That makes my job a lot easier. No it's very easy. It's a nice time of short round for once. It's very easy when somebody says you know that they're from an afro and background but a vegetarian is a vegetarian whatever circles they come from and they should be respected. If we want to stay the same, we must change. Oh, hello! Hello! And that principle as well is that steak here today. So I plead with you, your honour.

Thank you. I am your engineer. Please act in the interest of fairness and, you know, change. At your time. So, that was a really good bit in there. Oh, I mean, that peaked in the middle. We could all agree, but it was a dizzying high. Okay, Lloyd, you're going to open the case for the defence.

Your minute begins. Now, it's your father's house and it should be his rules. You're all eating in his house and he likes to eat meat. He's confused by the world. He doesn't like immigrant. He's he won you lost get over it. I feel about gay marriage and He's not sure about music anymore. He's an old Confused man and one of the pleasures in his life is slaughtering and eating livestock

And you rock up with your fancy ways and your roasted nuts and leaves and kill Doesn't really know what he's doing anymore leave him alone That's your time. Jenny, how do you think it's going? As you look down us in your ivory tower. I'm going to be hungry on Christmas Day. You are going to be hungry on Christmas Day, you think? Fair enough. Let's find out there's still everything to play for.

We've got the second prosecution in the form of Tom Perry. Although Tom, are you going to do it yourself? No, I'm going to do it in the style of a deep south defence lawyer from... Yeah! Tom, this is a highly unobtrusive novel. John Grishon novel, yeah. John Grishon novel, Mr. Fanshorstandan. Fanshorstandan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Preciting and providing, your minute, should you you need it begins right about now. Ladies and gentlemen after jury. I look around the courtroom here, I see some familiar faces. We've been keeping you a long time cold outside. Christmas Eve, hell, you all got families to go back to. The hell I see you there, little Betty, I know you've got families to go back to. The hell I see you, Dan Little Betty, I know you got the kids waiting at home.

Turkey roasting by the fire. Ain't gonna cook by the fire, Betty, put it in the oven. Every year, every year. What I'm trying to say, ladies and gentlemen, after jewelry, we're small town people, we simple people, hell. We go home, dig, give the dog a little pet on the head, Merry Christmas, John. We want to give, sorry for calling you John.

Strange name for a dog you John. Strange name for Doug, John? Never let me down. Nope. I'll tell you a little Christmas story, ladies and gentlemen. Little Christmas story, yes. Three kings, shepherds. Oh, yeah, he nods his head. Reverend, I know you know this tale.

Dance his oldest time, looking forward it tomorrow morning. Give it your best shot. Ain't no one tell no their story about no goose, indestable. Hell, now I got your attention. Day after the divinity, King's gone home. Little baby Jesus walking toward the window. I've been closing damn-damn windows when the little ones are around. Hell?

Johnny the goose sees it going on. Goose also called Johnny, bad name for a goose. Not today, Johnny sees it, sticks his neck, clean across the window. Baby Jesus, see if in the manger.

Christmas is not just for y'all. It's for all y'all. The defence rests your mind. He makes some very salient points. Yeah, amazing, there's a bit there which wasn't words. And you still, you know, you've done a 45 seconds left as well. You mean yes. Only 15 seconds long. You really smashed it. Clarke. Clarke, to conclude the case for the defence.

Okay. Ben Clarke, your minute begins now. Okay, give me a chair if any of these foods are included in your Christmas dinner. Carrots. Crabberries. Broccoli. Cabbage. Potatoes. Sprouts. Peas. Cauliflower. It's all fucking veg. It's one thing. It's one element of it, it's a fucking veg! Why'd you need to roast some nuts on top of that? It's bullshit! Also, everyone hates geese! They are the worst birds! No one ever likes a goose!

All we have left is geese, to eat, and Fivers! I rest! Clark everybody! A very strong showing there! Right, this could go either way, it's really good. Now, technically, it's my job to decide who wins the case.

But Christmas is a time for sharing, so I'm going to share the legal burden with our festive, Phoenix, flat slam audience. So if you think Eleanor and Fanshawe and therefore Jenny is in the right, applaud now. Woo! But... Now. But if you think Lloyd and Ben made the better case, applaud now. Oh my God, an absolute copper bottom's dropping for you guys over there. Congratulations to Ben and to Lloyd. Now it's time to gather around the fireplace, the quick fireplace, and here, this season's festive jingle.

Woo! It's Quilkfall! It's Quilkfall! Oh, ho, ho! FOOOOO! Ho ho ho! This is the Quickfire Out! And my name is Nicholas Christmas. Now, some of your boys and girls have written to me asking for a quicker, quick firerow. So boys and girls, that's what I'm going to give you a nice quick jingle from Christopher Dringle.

I'm going to give you the one present that you've asked for. The quick fire round that does not last too long, but before I do that, I must ask you a question. Oh, have you been naughty or have you been nice? Have you eaten herbs or have you eaten spice? Did you vote leave or did you vote remain? Christmas! And that is my chief elf. Well boys and girls, let's get right to it. Here we go on our sleigh, steady dancer, easy their russia, watch it out Bob! I never remember those names, Elf, why don't I just call them normal names?

Anyway, frazzle, go Franser, go Farage, go Dick! No! Well, now it's time for me to drop your present down your chimney. Here it is, everyone. Please enjoy the quick fire round! Oh, no, not again. Yeah! Okay, of course, given this is a Christmas special every year, we basically make a rod for our own back. We have a lot of fun coming up with our version of the 12 days of Christmas.

And in order to make this go with a little swing Just give me all the fucking brandy Oh my son, do you've had enough? Yes, well, it's time for me to head back to the south north One of the poles where I live. I'll figure it out. On the way home, have a good quick fire everyone! Oh, oh, oh, oh, and now it's lost by mine. It's the quick fire out! It is the quick fire out. And as I said, to make this round go with a bit of festive cheer I've brought a present for everybody. I've got my favourite festive drink. No.

Advocat. Oh God. So there is a bottle for Eleanor and Tom's team, a bottle for Lloyd and Ben's team and a bottle for my team. LAUGHTER And I've also got, which I like to do as a chaser, because it helps, Gabbascon. Very good. We always enjoy every Christmas and... Happy Christmas everyone. Oh!

It goes down smooth. Now, comes up smoother. Okay, so it's our version of the 12 days of Christmas that we've done. Oh, you really have to chew it down. So all of the answers correspond to the tune of the classic Christmas song. If you think you have the right answer, shout out your first name. So Tom and Ellyn, let's hear that now. Tom. Ellyn and Ben and Lloyd.

Ben! Lloyd. Long reflex. Lovely stuff. Here we go. Number one. Now we're looking for something that sounds or has a sort of similar sound to a partridge in a pear tree.

A partridge in a pear tree. Okay. Here we go. A chicken tikka curry with deep fried onion side A bar G in a bowl tea. Oh, it's not quite right chicken tikka Hang on hold tight hold tight audience members Light light light light go on a masala and a barhaji. I'd like it in song, please. A masala anabhaji.

It's a correct answer! CHEERING So this is two turtledoves. An apple and an orange is what the Chancellor of Germany adores. Two turtledoves. Eleanor. Eleanor. Oh, tight audience members. I know it's frustrating, but we are trying to play an actual game up here, mate.

We do not want this to turn into a shambles. Eleanor, what is your answer, please? Fruit, Merkel, love. Fruit, Merkel, love! Fruit, Merkel, love! So it's fruit, Merkel, love! So it's fruit, Merkel, love! So it's a love and a bargey! Refrenchence!

I was buddies with Dame Judy for a short amount of time. Light! Light! We, Densch friends. Oh! You're almost there. Best Dense Friends? No, Tom.

Tom, brief Dense Friends. Sing it to me please. Brief Dense Friends. Brief Dense Friends. Brief Dense Friends. Brief Dense Friends. Brute, Merkel, Lows, And a Sala, and a Baging.

Or calling birds. I have some pig-based meat, and I'm giving it to the geeks or calling birds I have some pig-based meat and I'm giving it to Pork for the head, breed, and trend, fruit, muggle, love, and my sonner and a bargey. Okay, this is the biggie, this is five gold rings. She presented the Olympics rugby league horse racing and crafts. Toss, yes. Yes! Clebo-dee! For a whole-endered free-dead French fruit, my callous, And a solar-anabarge, six-piece-a-laying,

Johnny Rotten's bander on the stage, they've started to perform. I'll give you a clue, it's not public image limited. Oh, light, light. Sex, pistols, playin' Sex, pistols, playin' Pistols, party, party, party Purple and nerds, briefed, dense, fruit, Miracle loves, and the solar, and the bargey Tony, I'm so you're right, we're doccin' We're half a point, we loves And the solar and the bargey Tony, I'm sitting right with a half a point

to see the wrong chance This is seven swans are swimming Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves has his tongue right up my ass Life, Lloyd Kevin Costler's ribbing Yeah Kevin Costler's ribbing. Yeah! Kyrgyz Kostler's ribbing sex.

Pistols bling. Clebo-ding. Poor bulldozer's briefed-drench. Friends fruit, medical love. And a saller and a bargey. Eight made to milking. I detest the patchwork done by John the former Torrey P.M. Eleanor. Eleanor. Hate, majors. Quilting. Hate, majors, quilting. First living sex, pistols playing, play all day

Or for the next brief drench, French, fru-mercule-cloth And the solar and the bargey Nine ladies dancing, forage, havers and mansell A gifting chocolate, wine and roses. Nine ladies dancing. Eleanor. Nigel Roamancing. Nigel Roamancing, haze, majors quilting.

Kevin Costler's remix set. Miss Dull's playing. Clair Bolden. Poor for the nerds, brief drench, friends fruit, Merkel loves, Anna Sala and a bargey. Ten Lord's a leaping, Clarkies gone on Amazon,

and bought a Bill Murray bowling movie. LAUGHTER Ten Lord's a leapping. Tom, Tom. Burns ordered Kingpin. Ben's ordered Kingpin. Nigel's romancing. Hate, Major's quilting. Sex pistols playing Clair Bullying Poor bull in a brief dutch fence Through Merkel's lust And a Sala and a bargey Eleven, Piper's piping

Cost us back again for this one Costner through a telescope Has spotted a boxer Nicknamed Iron Costner through a telescope has spotted a boxer nicknamed iron Casna through a telescope has spotted a boxer nicknamed iron 11 pipus piping I mean there are people in the audience who are having to sit on their own hands Lloyd Lloyd Kevin spies my tisers Lloyd? Lloyd? Kevin spies my Tyson? Kevin spies my Tyson fans So would it be night? Joe's dramatic hate? Major's quilting? Kevin?

Costless rim in sex? Pistols playing? Clare and holding Or for the nerds brief? Drench, friend, fruit, Merkel loves And the sauna and the bargey Final one Twelve drummers drumming The president elect is doing a fart that sounds like his name Donald Trump is jumping Donald Trump is jumping Kevin spies Mike Tyson

Ben sworded, kingpin Nigel's romantic Hey, majors quilting Kevin Costler's rimming, sis Best pistols play Claire Boulding Park for the nerds Brief date, friends, brood, Michael loves And the Sala and the solar and the biology.

He has the cars of horror me. I am entirely heterosexual, but I think I would let Kevin Costner eat my bum. I would let Kevin Costner eat my bum. Good call, good call. Get your tongue back and to the left. LAUGHTER Oh, that was hard, that got me my favourite joke you've ever told. Talk to the first. So...

Oh, it's Christmas! Now, that was our festive quick-fire round. There was just time for festive plugs. Well, we know what, Lloyd's Christmas! Now, that was our festive quick far round. There is just time for festive plugs. Well, we know what Lloyd's, anyway. And... You've got Christmas all sorted, haven't you? And, Eleanor, where can we find you? Where can we come and see you do comedy?

Yeah, come and meet me on Twitter. What's your Twitter handle? Ask Eleanor Tiernan. Please do go and see on that amazing, amazing standup. We give you the other day, you're brilliant. Thanks. Sorry. Lloyd, where can we find you? My Twitter handle is at Eleanor Tiernan 1.

LAUGHTER Robbed. I'm not on any social media or anything. I don't want you to follow me. Fuck off. God. And have a wonderful Christmas, guys. So immediately after this, which if you're listening at home,

you can download now, we're going to do an interview with Stu Goldman for his Christmas Com Com Com Com Com. Right, I know you do. You know what I'm with? We're going to do an interview with Stuart Goldman. That's his name, right? Yeah. Oh, as I like to call him, stew gormeth.

Some people don't believe he's real. How is he a real person at all? How are you going to get for your interview? I'm hammers. I don't know how. I've had one glass of whatever dinner and another one. And it's just hit me really. If you're wondering whether to download Com ComPod or not. We promise to finish our bottles of

Advocat We all finish our bottles of Advocat So do listen to that now Could you sub in what are the final scores? Oh! Well, the final scores are, Clarky and Lloyd have 15 and a half. Tom and Ella have 19! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! You have one! So, so Ben and Lloyd have to deck the halls while Ella and Tom get to see my balls. What? What? Thanks to our guest, Elvira and Lloyd Lampard. We've been Pappies, see you next time on, Flashers Laver!

Pappies, best good Flashers, lovely, happy brother, brother, brother, don't worry. This is your guest, El you in and Lloyd Langford. The only surprise by Patrick is a producer Ben Walker. Thanks to everybody who came down to you, the recording to Ashley Cameron, Katie Sorry Mel, out. Doris Bobley, the British Comedy Guide, and to the big BobBabbie class. And also to our lovely Felix Audient, it's so wonderful tonight.

Patrick's Pat Shares, have down. He's a first branch of a British Comedy Guide, and he's net Merry Christmas to all. And to all. Good night, cheers and goodbye! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Do you want to see what the world is really like?

Yes! Poor things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot for... It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things.

It's like theaters December 15th.