Pappy's Flatshare - Festive Special 2017

Episode Date: December 21, 2017

Christmas Special 2017 It's Chriiiistmaaaaaaaaaas! ...and Elis James and Andy Zaltzman are the gifts that keep on giving in this typically, nay, traditionally shambolic and festive episode, stuffed (like a badly prepared turkey) with anger, carol singing, accordion music, Advocaat, Gold, Frankincense and a chainsaw. Want to give us an Xmas gift? Some people think that giving cold hard cash as a Christmas present is a bit of a faux pas. Luckily, we don't think that at all, so if you want to slip some money into our stocking you can do so at comedy.co.uk/pfs/donate (try not to picture us dancing for you in stockings as you do this). If Xmas has left you stoney broke, fear not, we'd also love the gift of exposure (try not to picture us exposing ourselves as you read this). Help us spread the word about the show: gift it to a friend, secret-santa it to your entire following on social media... or why not make a loved one the offering of all the Flatslam in existence (just put the URL comedy.co.uk/pfs into a Christmas card - sure it'll look cheap, but they'll thank you for it eventually). Links! Check out Elis' rather spartan website - www.elisjames.co (which includes a link to his Radio X podcast with John Robins). And johnrobins.com/gigs has John's tour, which Elis plugs in the show. Check out Andy's website - andyzaltzman.co.uk - and if you fancy going to see his London show (on till January 6th 2018) you can get tickets here: https://sohotheatre.com/shows/andy-zaltzman-2017-the-certifiable-history/ Find out more about Martin 'Snow' White's brilliant band the Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra - and buy their new album at: https://mysteryfaxmachineorchestra.wordpress.com/ While you're at it, please do also 'like' our Facebook page, follow Pappy's and Producer Ben on Twitter @pappystweet @_ben_walker and visit Pappy's Tumblr. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Tom! Ben! What is it, Matthew? Yeah! What a day you break! I was, uh was rapping your press. I'm working. And I was rapping some lyrics.

Oh, I'd love to hear that, Glocky. Now, last time we spoke, my name is Glocky, I'm here to say, but you haven't got any further than that, but I love rapping. Sure, a quick presence in a really good way. Lovely stuff. One of you two guys has got to bring me my figgy pudding you know I've got both my legs in Some Yeah, I was sat in the lotus position I locked into it

I did to Chris, but yoga and I'm locked why not? Well, why not? Absolutely so while I'm here sitting Chris Yogan, I'm locked. Why not? Well, why not? Absolutely, so. While I'm here sitting Chris Cross applesauce on the floor, can you please bring me some piggy pudding and spoon it into my waiting mouth? Well, it's not gonna be me. I broke both my arms to party. You're supposed to.

LAUGHTER Yeah, and I'm not gonna do it either. Well, there's only one way to settle this. We're gonna have to have a... FASTED! Flash! Yes, slam down! Whey! CHEERING Well, there's only one way to settle this. We're going to have to have a festive flash. Yes, slam down! Whee!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you, Sambo. Thank you, Sambo. Thank you, Sambo. Thank you, Sambo. Thank you, Sambo. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Hello. And welcome to a very festive, flash-ass slam down. A panel show that says, When the snowman brings the snow, Well, he just smad like to know, He's put a great big smile on somebody's face. I've started too high, If you jump into your bed,

Quickly cover up your head, Don't you like the doors, You know the sweets and the clauses on his way? Oh well, I wish it could be Christmas every day When the kids start singing and the bell begins to play Oh, I wish it, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, And while there is this thing under my snowcap roof, they'll be following my snowcap rules. Let's meet those elves who will help me fill my festive sack. It is, of course, Thomas Perry and Benedict Clarke. Oh, ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho I'm going to go through it. It's some hose. Are they in different area codes? Sorry.

So Ben, why are you up to no good when it comes to delivering my putt? Ah, well, in previous years I would put a silver six months in the Christmas pudding, but last year I put in a bitcoin. Now I'm a millionaires, you can go fuck yourself mate. It's fair enough, lovely crypto currency gag. Perry, tell me why you insist on getting jiggie, rather than giving me some sweet figgy. Well, I refuse to bring me some figgy pudding.

You're for me yourself, eh? Yes, no. Because, I don't know if you know this, but these last six months I've been working in a look-alike agency. Oh, yes. Jason's favorite. LAUGHTER I've been beaten up recently. LAUGHTER

His face got stunned by bees. LAUGHTER You know, that's seen in Crank where it's all gone really badly for him. I'm only available for that, see. That made me... Anyway, the look-alikes we were having a whip round to buy the boss a present. Okay. And everyone had to put in.

And when it got to the counting up, I realised that three people hadn't delivered. That is a real shame. Sorry to go in the final. Sorry, sorry, sorry. There's more to go, yeah. Who are those three people telling us? Well, one of the look-like Mr. Crosby, the crew-na, Christmas songs. Oh yeah, that's a lot of work around this time of year.

Absolutely. The guy who plays Mr. Orange from Take That. He gets quite a bit. You're thinking of reservoir dogs. No, no, no. Also Take That. And also the thin, glamorous 60s model look alike. Oh, she hadn't put in either. So I had to track them down, call them in the office, and say, Bing, Jason Twiggy, put in. LAUGHTER

Can we get a slow motion replay on that please? Bing, Jason Twiggy put in. So instead of bring me some Figgy Puttin, take it to review. Brick Bing Jason Twiggy Puttin. Andy's ultimate as a sports fanatic. Yes. Oh, we can allow that. What's the rolling?

What's the rolling? It sounded like a shipping fork. That's one of the best reviews I've ever had. In which case, we're going to allow it. Yes. Now, obviously, congratulations, John. Thank you. Bing Jason Twiggy Putin.

Bing Jason Twiggy Putin. Bing Jason Twiggy Putin. You know what? It's actually interesting. The more you hear it, the less it works. Yes, so... Now, a lot like this podcast. Absolutely. Obviously, Christmas should be spent with friends and family, so let's try and wrap up the show nice and quick, so I'm getting back to the list.

Tom and Ben, who have you brought with you? Tom, tell us who you've got. Well, terrible news. The Jamboree is in crisis. No! Yes. Santa's Carotto has gone tits up. Not my words. Santa's words, which is part of the problem. So you can't use that language in front of kids. So I have to get somebody in to really sort out the grotto.

I mean, who better than the chief help himself? Ellis James! Ellis James is here, everybody. Here he is. Hi, all right. Ellis James, thank you so much for coming on the show. My pleasure. Great to have you back.

Now, listen, Merry Christmas, first of all. Merry Christmas. What is Christmas like for you and John in the house? Largely. Who does the lion share of the cooking and who does the lion share of the cooking cherry? Well, it's largely, as you can imagine, gift-oriented. Of course. In our shared household, which we've lived in since birth. We watched the Queen's speech because John is one of those left wing royalists.

Who loves Queen. He loves Queen in all... All the decorations. Queen bees. Yeah, that's even the Queen. The Queen. Of course, we're having a bit of fun. You of course don't live with John Robbins.

What's Christmas like in your house? Do you have a nice time? Oh, it's, erm, yeah, it's, erm... It's just wheels, so you know, driving rain and bad television. Smattering of religion in the early years, what's been replaced with? Rump and commercialism, right. Finally, someone saying it. Oh, he's godless, Christmas. Somebody is saying it.

Kagi, who have you brought along with you? Oh, I've brought along my cricket coach, and these oldsmen. Oh! Oh. Oh. Hello. It was a little clue earlier on in the podcast, actually,

because you said his name. Oh, that's true. And how many crickets have you caught since he started coaching you? Am I right, everyone? That's gone over your head. Yeah. So I'll explain it later.

So Andy, what's that? What is Christmas like in your households? Christmas is a time of deep-seated Jewish regrets. Of course. And at least you got your capital back. Well, I mean, I'm easily never lost it. Amazingly, that was less heavy-hung'd it than what the president of the film is. That's the second best review I've ever had. So we mostly just filled a manger.

Lovely. And we try to do the most accurate possible recreation of the birth of a Jewish magic child. Do you know he juggled instantly? Really? Well that was his... He got little robins. That's what we have robins on Christmas cards. Yeah, yeah. Jesus got a handful of five robins. What? I went straight to five. Well presumably they're doing a lotbins on Christmas cards. Yeah, yeah. Do you just got a handful of five Robbins?

Five, it went straight to five. Well presumably they're doing a lot of heavy lifting themselves, they can fly. What? Sure. They like the red arrows. It's just information. Well, we've met our three wise men and Andy. Let's play Zing to him.

Let's play round one. Yeah. sing to him. Let's play round one. We don't want a lot for a Christmas. There is nothing that we need. Let's not get each other presents That's what you and I agree But then it got to Christmas day You've got against what we did say You've got me a gift, it's true And now I've got nothing for Christmas for you! Ooh baby!

Because the water broke out here I'm the water who feels like she had out of God You did this one And he got me a new fit, baby I need a gift I'm out of time It's really forever to cry The God who gives this room But I've got the for Christmas for you

Ooh baby, I've got love for Christmas You've really done me over I feel alive Oh, lovely! You're pretty bright So bright! Lovely. Well. And for the list of at home, yes, the audience were trying to slow clap us off during that. And I thought I started my song too high.

Jeepers, creepers, Paris, you've got to set a pipe. So, you haven't you? No, I know. Merry Christmas. So, round one is the Mad Vent Calendar. Now, Christmas is, thank you is the mad vent calendar. Now, Christmas is, thank you to the both of you. Christmas is a great time for getting angry. There is nothing I like more than getting pissed out of my mind

on Christmas morning and just, you know, shouting at the kids, and I can't wait to have some of my own. So in mad vent calendar, I'm going to ask our teams to vent madly, if they will, about 24 different aspects of the festive season. Only 24. Only 24 each, and per team. Only 24 aspects of the festive season that I've selected for them. One player will rant, their teammate will guess what they're ranting about, and then you swap roles. That's the way it works. So each team has three minutes to work through the Madvent Calendar list.

They get a point for each correct answer and a bonus of five points if they make it all the way to 24. So Tom and Ellis, you are first. Tom, those are yours. Ellis, those are yours, okay? Right. Are you ready? Yes. You have three minutes to get angry about as many things as you can. Of course. Do you want to start with Tom? Yeah. Start with Tom. OK, and your three minutes starts. Now, you stupid red-breasted bird. Robbins.

Yes. Oh, you got it. Wait, did you say Robbins? Robbins. Robbins. I'm going to allow it, but please. I'm going to allow it. Leave your exit home.

Leave your radio exit home. OK. I'll restart the clock. Off you go. Oh, he's got to make one of these and your hands go cold and then you put a carrot in a place that... Oh, snowman! Yes! Oh, I don't want to kiss you under a plant! Missile toes! Oh, I've got a lot of these and I'm going to miss them!

Christmas cards! Oh, Freckintense and Mermine's! Gold! Oh, I've seen this one before and I've seen this one before. Yes! I've seen this one before and my mind's cold. Yes. Oh, I've seen this one before and I've seen this one before. Repeat, so tell us. Oh, I've got a crying hour, a dog, a talk, or a monster that lives under a bed.

And everyone goes mental about it on Twitter and there's a stupid song by a plinky plonkie singer-songwriter. They've covered a song every year. It comes out in November. They've all read it like year, it comes out in November! They've all read it like they've never seen it before! It's only from a selfie, and it's an ass-duping... Oh, the show is over!

Oh, this is what I was called before everyone started to call me the thing I'm called now, which is actually from a Coca-Cola answer. A baby? No, I've gone on a very odd angle on this one. Oh, some of Saint Nicholas. Yes. Oh, it's wet and it's cold and it's white and it falls from the sky.

No. Yes. Seaman. It's cold. It falls from the sky. How short are you? I'm sure it's like a very big of a wha... Okay, half way there, come on, keep going guys.

Oh, I actually think it's too rich, especially after a big meal. Same as that, yes. Christmas pudding! Yes. Why is that old man dressed up as a woman and spoiling my fun enjoying this play? The people handsome eyes. Yeah, but the man's name. Oh, he's...

I might legit. Oh, this place was just trying to do his job. He's been written out of the Nativity story to an extent. It's actually quite a back... The Inky? Yeah! Wow, wait! Oh, this fucking crazy doors! Oh, that's a dream!

I have to dock your point for that one, I'm afraid. What? Is he a Christina? Is he a con... Jesus! No! Oh, my God! This game of free association is really...

You've got 30 seconds left guys, pick it up. Oh, he's so mistletoe and wine. Oh, Alive Joan. No! Cliff Ridge is. Yes. The old lady's talking on the tele again. Of course. Yeah, what's your make it?

Oh, you're getting done from EastEnders to turn these on in my hometown in that Christmas light. The Christmas lights. Yeah. Oh, it goes bang and there's a crap joke in it. A cracker, Christmas cracker. Yes. That is your time I'm afraid.

I am so... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow, are you three minutes long, isn't it? LAUGHTER You managed to get 16. That's pretty impressive. Andy and Ben, those are yours. Cheers, mate.

You have three minutes on the clock. Your time begins. Now. Oh, fucking hell, Santa rides in this and it shits. A slide. Yeah. What is the point of putting shiny stuff on a tree? It gives a hopelessly optimistic view of the human condition.

A star? What? And a angel on the right. No tree, grose. A tinsel. There we go. Oh, fuck it out. It's alcoholic.

It's alcoholic fucking bottle. And shit in a glass, there you go, mate. Turning up with flash presence at a kid's birth, one of which is MIRR, although recent textual and I haven't said, so I can't say. Suggested. But it was in fact a chainsaw that this person just MIRRR.

MIRR. They wrote it. Got lost in translation. Anyway, those guys. You're lucky, you haven't guessed it yet. Oh, is that Frank and Tenska? No, no, no. The gift. The people who go.

Oh, the white man. Yeah, very white man. Right, okay, sorry. Sorry, I was distracted, I don't know why. Oh, you... Right, when you finish putting the Tenska on, then you do this right at the end. Leave home? It's a last bit.

It's the last bit. The last bit. Angel on the top. Yeah. Right, but it's not an angel in this. It's a stanza. It's a WG grace. No, it's alright. I have a WG grace on my Christmas tree.

There's nothing weird about that. It's just my beliefs. He didn't exist. I think we're fine. I think Matthew's allowed him. If you're going to be the chief admiral in a form of transport, look off yourself. Don't get a cold crucial stage of the present giving season. Oh, it's where people used to put babies? Are you fancy an adoption house? And then we have a manger. Get angry at these things guys.

Oh, fuck it out. There we go. Good stuff. I mean, if ordinary bells weren't shit enough, ones that advertise things to buy in a catchy... Jingle bells, yeah, Jack, correct. Ah, fuck it ain't this. They're...

Oh, very good. They're full of heads. You've got that parish really easily. The Christmas hats. Yes. Right. Christmas hats. Why do you get paid extra just because some Jewish magician was born 2,000 years ago? It's fucking bullshit!

Paying a half! Yeah. I mean, this would work if you'd ever had a proper joy. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE 15 seconds. It's bullshit. Oh, I'm like a chicken.

Wait, you've got to guess it. Yes. Oh, double pay? Christmas pay? Where do you not take it? Yeah, Christmas bonus. Christmas pay. Where you're not paying, go that. Yeah, Christmas bonus. Yeah, give me a hug. What do you mean bonus?

Oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, if you're paying my mum a platter, if you're timing her for a break. Lovely stuff. Now, I think you managed to get a cool nine and a half of that. Yeah, happy with that. Congratulations.

So at the end of that round, producer Ben, can I just make a, you can make an impassioned plea, yes? If the baby Jesus is listening, I apologize. LAUGHTER You'll forgive you. LAUGHTER Bishin' Ben, what are the scores? Ben and Annie have nine and a half.

Tom and Alice have sixteen. Oh my gosh. Thank, thank, thank, thank. I will do. Now, if you gave donations to the show in 2017, thank you so much. I won't do a give us a cheer if you did, that would be mean. But give us a cheer if you didn't. And thank you for that as well.

But yeah, so if you would like to donate to the podcast, basically we've been doing this in 2011, we've never asked for any money, and now we are. We've realised that's what's been holding us back. We've been doing so much work for no money. We've been doing some. If you'd like to donate, here's producer Ben with the web address which I forgot to write down. Comedy.co.uk forward slash pfs forward slash donate.

Good lord. Oh, we're getting nothing out of it. We ain't getting no money. Fuck, you slash PFS, forward slash Donate. Good lord. Oh, we get it, nothing on it. Oh, bother. We ain't getting no money. Fuck, you know, I'm bleakin' it. So, thank you very much, good to meet you. It should be like WWE, that. Shit, yeah.

Here's a money. Shit, yeah. Shit, yeah, money. Like, don't do not go to that email address, please. Shit, yeah, money.com. Geo's cities, puppies, forward slash. Cold slash, forward slash. So Tom and Ellet are in the lead, but just like Christmas, they won't be coming early.

Instead we're going to play flat games. Yeah! Let's play together games. Let's play forever. Roll the dice, spin that thing, put that down. Who is your toll? Games. If you can lose your game. Together, games, let's break forever Roll the dice, spin that thing, put that down

Who is your toll? Games, if you lose you can't knock them Games, if you win you can't go Pregus, I'm a... Pregus, I'm a... Pregus, I'm a... Pregus, I'm a... Pregus, I'm a...

Pregus, I'm a... Pregus, I'm a... That's... Is what grassroots podcasting sounds like! Grants! Come on by that Comedy Central! Because you said that it shouldn't be on the telly! So this year we are playing our festive version of Bingo,

which we're calling harped the Harold Angels' Singo. Glory to the new Bond bingo. So in this round, the teams must act out a famous Christmas scene, singing the lions along to a famous Christmas Carol. The first played off the first lion, their teammate completes the rhyme, then sings the next lion, and so on. How is this like bingo?

I hear you cry. And to that I say, shall it. I'll be awarding points for festive storytelling, tune for singing and presence, if anyone wants to give me present. A company of the teams on this very festive occasion, I would like to welcome friend of the show Martin Snow White and his seven accordions. Yes, sir! Oh, wow, wow, too. So, the first scene is for Ben and Andy. It is going to be Ebenezer's Grouch on Christmas morning, calling out of his window to a boy to buy him a turkey.

Okay, the famous scene at the end of the Christmas Carol's spoiler alert. And I would like you to do that to the tune of a way in a manger. Now you can decide amongst yourselves who'd like to be the little boy who'd like to be Ebenezer Scrooge. Is there an option for neither? I mean Andy would bake a great Scrooge. You would make a fantastic scratch that show. Absolutely.

Andy will you be Scrooge? Gosh, but if religious background stereotype. LAUGHTER Come on, guys. Did that's 25th century, mate? That's a fuck sake, have you learned nothing? OK. In fact, let's change it. Andy, would you be Shylock?

And we'll do... LAUGHTER Best Jewish detective of all time. LAUGHTER OK, so Andy, if you would be Scrooge, if then you would be the little boy happy to do it? You're a queen. So away in a manger, Ebenezer Scrooge, off you go. Give me a...

Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... Give me a... That doesn't seem very fair, water-bout it. I think first you should give me some money to buy. Go far. Wow. I've just filled the story down. I think he's left it open for a sequel, basically. Do you know what? Actually, Dickens was an idiot. It's nice to see his crew who learns nothing. Out of ten, I think I can't give you more than four. So I'm going to give you one. So that was one, one more seems generous.

One point to add. And you had Ben there. One point, and you had Ben. We're throwing it over now to Tom and Ellis. I like your sing, Hot Hell, Angel Sing, and it's Angel Gabriel telling a shepherd the good news. OK. The son of God has been born. The son of God has been born. Just for any if he has something. Yeah, that's the...

Well, it's good news for some. LAUGHTER Good news, if you like bad news, basically. A lot of wars. So does he tell them to go on visit? Or is that initiative shown by the Shepherds? You know what? Do this for me. I'll be gay, bro. Listen up, man. I've got some good news. Best disguise, gonna bit so significant. Well, why don't you tell me more? I am weary and I'm poor.

OK, hang on, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. What you've basically done is you sang two lines there, which meant that you didn't rhyme at all. Tom had to then rhyme with himself, which is Putting your teammate in a ditted vantage or an advantage if you like you've got a dot point I'm gonna I am a dot points. You lose that one point So So with the greatest respect Martin being pitched in a key that's very difficult for me What what key would you like it to be in? See. He's asking, we have it in C, is that possible Martin? Okay. I think we'll start show. Yes. Okay.

Yeah, that is much better, thank you. I keep on interesting the song, but I need to improvise. Yeah you did, I saw that. So. In the day, shepherd got some good news. Tell me cause I'm quite confused. There's this guy, he's being purple. Well, I'll visit all my jeans up tall. Can I go and buy some new ones?

Yeah, of us. Maybe to it on Amazon. It will come just in time. Cos I'm an loser of life. That was really fantastic. I'm going to give you a call seven points for that. Congratulations. Now Christmas is a time to take a wonderful thing. I think we all enjoy and I have so much of it that you end up vomiting. So let's do another round of that game.

This time it's going to be a four way along to deck the halls on Bows of Holly. It can't be done, but we're going to do it anyway. The Pappy story. We're going to do it anyway, the Papi story. So... It's a title, it won't be seen, but we'll do it anyway. So what would you mean shouldn't or can't? The way it's going to work is it's going to be a three wise men, the Major, bringing their gift to the baby Jesus, also known as the Christ child. So I think

we'll have Clarky, if you'd like to be melky or with your gold, mouthless art will be Andy with your mer, because you've already got the material. Just playing to a strength. Casper or gasper would be Ellis, the friendly ghost. And Tom Perry, you are of course the baby Jesus. Born to do it. Another one of your many look-alikes. And also of course, if the audience were joined in with the falala-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. So here's how it's going to work. We'll go along the line.

We'll go Ben, Andy, Ellis, Tom, and then Tom, if you would sing two lines, and then we'll go back along the line. So it'll be Tom, Ellis Tom Ellis and the Ben so everyone gets a chance to rhyme. Let's see if this works I'm a wise man la bought you gold La la la la la la la la la la la Me Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That second old man's watching, saying, La la la la la la la la la la la la la. Tom, I'm the Christ child, I like, say, Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la. Did you hear what he said?

He said, I'm the Christ child, I like, Tuesday, thank you. I was drowned out by the fuller of us. So Tom, can I just... Oh, man. Tom, I'll give you a second bite of the cherry as you are indeed Jesus our Lord who was born in Christmas Day.

Where is my fucking chainsaw? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la You'll have to make do with some fricking sense and cold slow It's fall and you can get anything you need with Uber Eats Well, almost almost anything so no you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats The maple syrup and maple lattes yes, we can deliver that Uber Eats get almost almost anything order now product availability May vary by region see after details. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pack in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance.

I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters December 15th. Ah la! Here you go. NOOOOO! NOOOOO! NOOOOO! There it was we bought it on Amazon Prime!

Well, thank you very much to Martin White there. I can only apologise for getting you out of the house when that shit's done. Martin White. Now, Martin has asked me to plug his album, which I will do right now. Bear in mind, none of those songs are on it, you're fine. It is the Mystery Facts Machine Orchestra for Heroes' Journey, and it sounds absolutely brilliant. You can buy them through his website, which is mysteryfactsmachineorchestra.co.json. Geocities for the staff. So, thank you, Tim Martin.

Produce a Ben, what are the scores at the end of that round? I take it, you're giving no more scores for the... Oh, I should give some extra points for that so let's go through to Clarky, lovely call back two points there, Andy amazing chainsaw impersonation, a cool ten points for that. Ellis, seven points for that but obviously Jesus himself gets the full ten so what does that do? I mean I'm giving you a lot of maths to do very quickly there. Tell us, baby Jesus, lose some of his points in eight days' time to commemorate the Holy Circumcision.

Right, right. You're right. How many points do I give Andy 10 points? Yeah. Two. Now, producer Ben, tell us please what that does to the scores. Well, it was almost close. But now, Ben and Andy have 13 and a half.

Tom and Ennis have 40. Oh! You still get back. Well, that last round has made me feel all festive inside. Is either that or the two-pipe pitcher of Advocale, I drank, just before the show. Whatever it is, I better soak it up with some delicious beef, because it is. Beef Brothers! Cheers!

You've got a problem, I'm calling it a problem, because you've got a problem, call it a beef. If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you from the zoning I can be. What, turkey? Yes. Very fun. Yes, in this Beef Brothers as a special festive treat,

we're going to ask our panelists to sort out a member of the audience's festive, flat, share-based beef. And this one comes from Ethan. Hey there. Hey mate, how you doing? Very well, thank you. Is that your own microphone you brought?

I can't believe I've been here. I can't believe it. He just projects well. He's just crazy. God, just dire for him, he's got there. So, so, Ethan writes to us, I think that it is acceptable to have a plastic Christmas tree, but my girlfriend insists that it has to be a real one. We don't live together, but it is still a contentious issue.

Okay, yes, and it's split the room already. So Ben and Andy, you are on Ethan's side, the side of the plastic tree, Tom and Ellis, you are on the side. He plus, Gordon King. It's now Clarky's chance to start too high. So you're on the side of Ethan, the plastic tree, Tom and Ellis, you're on the side of the girlfriend. Can we get a name please? Hannah. Hannah, you're here, fantastic. Oh, I love it when they're both here. That's always

good. So in fact, we'll have a cross examination of both Ethan and Hannah. Great. Who earns more? What? Whoa! Clarky going in. First Clarky took me through your tax return.

LAUGHTER No, go on. You have to return it. What a game show that would be. Talker through your tax return. I'd love to see it hosted by Jimmy. So... APPLAUSE

Do you want to ask that question on the scene? No, no, no. It's not there. Any questions for Ethan or Hannah here? Ethan with your plastic tree. Yes. Do you throw it away and buy a new one every year? I do not. That is, I would say, one of the benefits of a plastic tree.

By the way, I like the fact that people... No more. This guy's really pulling that. I've got a good question for both of you. What date do you put up your tree? The beginning of December. Yes, late. December the first.

Yes. You're both December the first. We're in the first week, yeah. Oh, within the first week. I guess it depends where the weekend falls for people who have a natural job at home. LAUGHTER And also, Tom, how much do you want? LAUGHTER

Let's get down to brass tax, guys. How much do we all earn? It's going to be disappointing. I'm not going to lie to you. LAUGHTER Did you have a plastic tree ever as a child? Yes. No. Ah, Hannah, are you allergic to plastic?

No, but it is killing the oceans, so. No, I feel it's in a tree. That's not good. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I'm gonna mount, I'm gonna mount a train, I'm gonna stay on land. If anything, it's making the problem better. And that's all the, it's all, it's all, it's all, and these ultimate, making the problem better. It's 2000, that night. It's all the people who flushed their Christmas trees

down the toilet. What I want to know, Hannah, is do you believe that Christmas should be associated with death and decay? Because that is what a Christmas tree symbolises. Once again, tree getting deader by the minute. That is conjecture, Mr Sultzman, please. How is that conjecture? Are you saying the Christmas tree is alive? You are leading our witnesses here. Right. Any other questions? How big are your trees? Approximately. Terrible question, but I'll say anyway.

Normal size? Terrible answer. What is five inches? Are we talking? Jesus. And when does yours go up? And does your girlfriend feel real or plastic? And does your girlfriend for a real or plastic one? A lovely, lovely round of banana jokes.

Who clears up the pine needles and how often do you do it? How often do you do it? It's a bit of a post-aggression. It's a very different one. What's he, yeah? Me, every couple of days or something? Every couple of days. And how do you clean them up?

Do you use a Hoover? Yes. Bad for the environment. Might as well chuck a fucking tree straight in the city. Yeah, yeah. What's the Hoover made out of wood? I don't think so, mate. I think that is enough information for me to want to kill myself.

So let's begin the case for the prosecution now Andy you are up first. Remember you are on Ethan's side you have one minute to put your case forward for the prosecution. Yep. Your minute begins now. We need to use more plastic trees not just at Christmas but at all times because plastic trees symbolize the triumph of the human race over the natural world. And we are not in an evolutionary battle with every single living being in the universe and we have to subjugate them mercilessly. And by proving that we can create plastic

replications of actual living things, we show we don't need the fucking tortoises, we don't need the fucking penguins and we certainly don't need the fucking tortoises. We don't need the fucking penguins, and we certainly don't need the fucking conifer trees. So, you using plastic is what we fought three world wars for. Two hot, two hot, one cold. LAUGHTER Thank you very much, Andy Zoltzmann. Ellis, you're going to be opening the case for the defence. You're, of course, on hammerside, the real trees.

Your minute begins now. It's got to be a real tree. In this time of rump and commercialism, it's one of the very food traditions we have left. How many people watch the Queen's Speech? Exactly. Almost no one. It's a ratings loser. It's only on because of the remit of the BBC to inform,

educate, entertain, and show the Queen's speech. That's the fourth aspect Lord Reeth was going on about and know whenever remembers. Now, I mean, a plastic tree, it's tacky, isn't it? Come on, it's tacky, a real tree. I mean, the Norwegians give us one as a gift every year. It's basically insulting all of Scandinavia, a plastic tree. How long have I got left? No, 20 seconds. 20 seconds. Well, I mean, it looks nice. It smells nice. It's dangerous for very young children, which for some is a bonus.

Because it's Darwinian, isn't it? If your kids can eat pine needles and die, well, to be honest, he probably wasn't going to make it a five anyway. So this is just, you're just sorting out an awful lot of horrendous bother early doors And for that I think it has to be a real treat. That is your time. Fantastic work That was good strong stuff about Andy and Ellis in fact I'm gonna award an extra point for the hot and cold joke earlier on. I mean not technically a joke a fact Hot cold fact Ethan and Hannah. How'd you think it's going so far? We'll start with Ethan.

Good, but we haven't heard lucky yet. Whoa, Ethan! It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what?

It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? It's a what? And Hannah, how are you feeling it's going? I'm very confident. Fantastic. Just in general.

But we've not heard... We did confident readers, and so was four or five. Eight no pie and needles? They're alive. Second prosecutor will of course be Clarky. Ethan's very excited for it. Yep. Your minute begins.

Now, well, the plastic's the bloody future isn't it? I mean, ultimately... Lovely start. What is the past? You see all these old fogies, they're all complaining about books. No, wait, they're not complaining about books, they can complain about phones. Great stuff. But... But, they're all finding books. Books would, phones plastic. TASTAFOOOOOO!

Plastics of future. And also, what are your Christmas decorations made out of? Not made out of wood, not made out of plastic. You're buying up a wooden tree and then covering it in plastic, plastic ball balls and tinsels made out of plastic actually. That's like a vegetarian, buying a nut-ro, so don't come in it in bacon! Ooh! I like the sound of that. Very slow, which is good. Bullshit mate! And also, there was a third world war I didn't know about, so I'm...

Five seconds. I'm reading from that. Vogue Clarky. That's your time, it's... Vogue clocky. That's your time. It's... Vote clocky. Vote clocky. It's really fascinating to watch a man panic in a panel show game of his own devices. LAUGHTER

I don't devise any of this. LAUGHTER Now Tom, all that remains is to hear from you. But will he be hearing from you this time around? No, I'm going to be doing it in the style of a deep south defence lawyer from a John Grisham novel. Oh really? Yeah, what about you call that fellow?

Mr Fan Shaw Standard. Does he have a Christmasy name? No. Fan Shaw Standard. Providing and indeed presiding. Your minute should you need it? Began in 1947 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury

I'm gonna start off by doing something. I don't think them folks over there did and there's to wish you a merit That's all it takes round here dim dim manners Objection! Objection! That's all it takes, round here, dim dim manners, huh? This is a small town. Hell, I recognize your Harry Day's send your kid to the baker every morning. Why'd you do that? We never know. Too young to bake? Harry ha ha! Harry you're a tinker. Dem de lauze overday with Dem big words, petroly young. Plastic hell! I don't know about what they do there in that big city with Dem de plastic.

Objection! Objection! Brown here we be wooden tin. We be bottling glass Confed brass fence Yeah, the old brass fence I don't know about no then and plastic Hill tell you a little story now Thirty years back postman used to serve this town.

You may remember him. Oh, Darren Jen. Strange. Strange name, oh Darren Jen. Hell, Darren Jen. Used to walk up and down that street there with them there, presents. Keen for the man.

That's a terrible thing. Yeah, the man who ordered his cane. Yeah. School teacher. There we go. Anyway. Oh, Darren Jen there. There you've walk up and down there without their bicycle.

Hell. Wait. He'd walk with the bicycle. Never learned to ride it. Never learned to ride it. Never learned to ride it. Ain't no need trusted dog. Bicycle. No room to carry the presents.

Darren Jim. Cut along, start short. Darren Jim was given a plastic heart in a very long and difficult operation. And he was never the same again. And Merry Christmas, Marlonal. 58, 59, 60. Yeah. Just under his minute, just under his minute.

Now, obviously, I can't decide who wins the case. I used all my decision-making skills on that advocate. So instead, as my festive gift, I'm going to let the live finance audience decide. So if you think Andy and Ben, and therefore Ethan, is in the right, I would like you to applaud now. But if you think Ellison Fansure made the better case, and that's of course Fahana there, I'd like you to applaud now. The defence rests, you're on.

I think we have to get to Hannah. So next up is the quick far round. Or should I say the quicksmas fire round? Should I say it? The mind says no. But the advocate says go go go. Merry Christmas everybody, here's Tom and Ben with the Equipment's Fire Cringle. Off we go. Merry Christmas everybody.

This is the schedule of the day. Oh, oh, whoa, this is the festive quickfire route. And it's the route that goes really quickly. As quickly as December, when you're looking forward to Christmas morning. Or as quickly as Christmas Eve when you've got shopping to do and you're in a queue. You get my point, it's supposedively funny that it has got a really long jingle. It's got a really long jingle as long as the rainbears on Santa's sleigh. It's a long, right thing.

That's right. He has such long-brained ears, dashes long, pinces long, prancer and dressed. They're all long-brained ears. He's got really long-brained ears. It's just not ever mentioned in his songs. He's got really long raindrops. It's just not ever mentioned in his songs. But anyway, maybe we should be soon getting gone with the quick fire round.

Pinser. LAUGHTER Pinser. Pinser of the reindeer. Pinser of the reindeer apparently. The Miss Prenantos is Panzer, Pinser the Render. Pinser the Render apparently. The Miss Prenner was Panzer. Him and Blitzer were both members of the Woffe Brothers. So, regular listeners will know that a few years back we decided to do our own... Oh, the elves sit there anyway. That is the name of the elves. Oh, the elves. There's John.

And Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Anyway, let's have the names of the elves. Oh, the elves! There's John! And Keith, keep up the good work! And he, Aunt Barry, and Stephen. And then there's Gwen, the only female owl. Poor Gwen. email out. Poor Gwen. Anyway, let's not talk about the gender balance in Santa's workshop. Well, someone's got to do it. If it's not going to be us, come on Santa, it's 20-70 178 Give Gwen some female companions

Anyway, let's get on with the quick fire Around So Jesus didn't employ any women either. No, 12 white male European guys. Absolutely. Gonna put like our podcast. Paul. So regular listeners will, of course, know that a few years back we decided

to do our own version of the 12 days of Christmas. And... But we're not doing that this year. No, no, of course, no, of course. Not what I should bless you. Someone's allergic to change. But we're not doing that this year. No, no, of course, no, of course. What are you blessed with? Someone's allergic to change. So, no, we've done it this year. Here's how it works. All of the answers have a vague and sort of tenuous

assonant with the Christmas song, 12 Days of Christmas. Now, if you think you have the right answer, shout out your first name. Tom and Ellis, let's hear that now. Tom. Oh, what is this? Oh, it's a top one point. Congratulations, well done. Let's hear it from Ben and Andy. Ben. Zaltov of merciless. And why not? And I think for this, it's producer Ben left. Oh, he's there, sorry. Should we do five points each for every correct answer? Yeah.

We've also got Martin Slow, Whiteness Seven, accordion here as well. Yeah! To help us out. Here's how it works. If you've never seen this before, I'll sing you the question. You have to sing back the answer, then we're all together. Sing all the way through.

Okay. So this is a partridge in a pear tree. Of course, strength exercises in the small room where I store my food. Of course, strength exercises in the small room where I store my food. And by the way, hang on a sec, say your first very much as an audience you are much smarter than the panel but You need to Andy sit on your hands Andy. It's the focus of the country No, you're almost there. You're not easy in a pantry Tutorial doves fire a gun at Hitler's propaganda ministers small in bread dogs. Shoot, shoot, a dog's pugs.

It is shoot, girl's pugs. Shoot, girl's pugs and a pelot is in a pantry. Three French Hens, a campaign to get Madonna's Oscar-winning first husband out of jail. Anding. Anding. Three Sean Penn. Lovely stuff! Free Sean Ben, Shoot Goobles Puzz, And Pilates in a pantry.

Four calling birds. The Norse God of Thunder missed out on a 224, his degree. No, I'm both Ben. Thor's got a third. It is correct! Thor's got a third... Free short name... She's Gubblespots

And Palate is in a pantry... Five gold rings, this is a biggie. She's that singer who covered your song on that John Lewis advert. Yes, you're right in the audience, yes. I mean, I heard it, apparently none of the, none of the panel did. Sky Garvey. No, it's not Sky Garvey, that's, that was this year, this is a previous year. It's not a year of P.F. now. Ellie Golding. Thank you Tom Perry. Thank you. Ellie Golding. Oh, God of Thursday.

Sean Penn and Sugar Bulls Parts. And for our days in a pantry, six geese are laying. Hurry up, Miss Witherspoon is settling the bill. Yes, you get it, yes. Bear in mind, the panelist, again, need a bit of time. Hurry up, Miss Witherspoon is settling the bill. Quick, quick, quick, James. Ella's not quick Reese's paying. It is in fact quick Reese's playing

Part of the free show of Ben Chou, Gubble's part And Palate is in a pantry Seven Swans are swimming Andy, just check your watch He did check his watch Seven Swans are swimming, here we go The lead singer of the lemon Heads his making stones bounce atop, a lake Oh, oh, andy.

Andy, Evan Dando Schimming. Evan Dando Schimming. It's a deep cut, but we're going with it. Evan Dando Schimming, quick, Reese's pay. Andy Golding. Thaws got a third free Sean Petchoo couples pot and pelates in a pantry. It really is a lot of work for a podcast you don't charge for. Please donate to 2018.

Please donate. Eightmate of milking. They are running behind schedule so Richard and Judy are having a beverage. They're running behind schedule so Richard and Judy are having a beverage. Oh yes Andy, late Mideley's drinking. In heaven and those giving quick, wrist is pain And gold is pain For Scott's third free-fraile, pen-trukeable pot And pelot is in a bad tree Nine ladies dancing

Bruce Dickinson and his band are looking at something really quickly Is it at this James? Are you made in the glancing? Yes! I am a religious person I am a religious person I am a religious person I am a religious person

I am a religious person I am a religious person I am a religious person I am a religious person I am a religious person I am a religious person I am a religious person I am a religious person

I am a religious person I am a religious person I am a religious person I am a religious person I am a religious person Golden Full-starter, third-rate short, Bench Shoot, Gubblespast And for lattes in a pantry 10 Lord of Leaping The bloke who played Gandhi is cleaning up with a broom Ben Kingsley sweeping Ben Kingsley sweeping! Ben Kingsley sweeping! Ben Kingsley sweeping! Iron Maiden's crossing lights

Macy's drinking ever Dando's swimming break Reasons playing Echo dead! All the dirt Fishing, Ben shoots, darling, the official Ben Chu couples, but and Pilates in a pantry. I think Ben King's leads technique against the spinning ball

has to be questioned. Really good. Come for the sweep shot. This time of year, I was brought with this. Whereas Iron Maiden just want to delicately glance on the legs like that. I'm not sound. I've just realized that they're written. I am maiden just want to delicately glance on the legs. What sound is that? I've just realised that they're written.

LAUGHTER Yeah, they're written up on that. They're written up on that. You don't have one in the audience having amazing memory. We've written them out of power points. I've got dementia. Everyone else. Everyone else could just remember this.

I can't even remember the real lyrics. Oh, this is an extraordinary. Generally by the end of 12 days of Christmas you kind of wish you had to imagine. Can I put in a quick request? Yeah. This next round when we sing them all. Can we sing them as Alice James singing? Lovely let's do it. Let's go, Primm. So this is 11 Piper's piping. This, a lean 90s folk rock band are using toilet paper on their buns. Folk rock band.

Folk rock band for the 90s. The levelers are wiping. Lovely stuff from Tom Perry there The levelers are wiping, beautifully sweeping Iron-made and scouts in late, made me drinking Heaven and no seamy quake, praises paint Echoing This is pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, So we're halfway there Now this is the final one guys 12 drummers drumming These guy fall singers mother is fixing the pipes under the sink andy andy

Adele's mommy's plumbing. Yes, let's take it home guys I tell, Sommie's probably never less a wiping bank King's this sweeping iron, made those gods a clay Made these drinking, heaven, down those gaming quicks Reese's pay, and go, yeah Flores got a fair free shorn, pen shoot, girls' boss The free Sean Penn shoot girls pass and Palatins in a palm tree Merry Christmas to all and to all we're sorry Well, that was our festive quickfire round. There is just time for festive plugs. Ellis, anything about to plug? John's tour isn't as selling as well as he wishes it was. Andy, what's going on in your life? I have a run on the Soho Theatre from the 18th of December

which I will be reviewing the year that's just passed. Yes. Will we get a mention? Who starts? That is still up for debate. No. Quite a short debate. I enjoyed being there for the process. Come along to that. And I'll be a cricket podcast on at the moment as well during the asses. Oh I was if we're the we're unbelievevable ashes. It's got a pun in the title. Lovely stuff. So I get, we're all on tentahooks now. Producer Ben. I mean, you shouldn't be.

Um... Right. Ben and Andy have got a very commendable 44 and a half. But top of the ass have 71. Oh, wow! Dude! So Ben and Andy have to bring me to figure pudding, while of course Tom and Ellis get to start by a new title log. Thanks to our guests, Ellis James and Andy have to bring me to figure putting while of course Tom and Ellis get to start by your title log

Thanks to our guests Ellis James and his ultimate we've been puppies see you next time I mean Bestie Christmas Bestie, precious love now Happy Bestie, bless your family happy birthday, mate. Margaret Toppari, special guest, Kelly's James, and his ultimate. He was advised by Patrick's with the views of Ain't Walker.

Big thanks to everyone who came down to give him a call and he's a cash caper in the image in the sever. They'll pick up to Orange, Margaret, British comedy guide, Cantu, Joan of Arc. Also to the people of the Philippines, Bob for having us. Patrick's Fudge, Air Saber, it's a plus bruts. British comedy guide needs to introduce you all

a very, very Merry Christmas, look after yourselves and one of the cheers, everyone! Bye! Cheers! It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters December 15th.