Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (9) S14E24

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

Tom, Ben and Matthew slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. 9Find the balloon picture on https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Come and see Flatshare Slamdown liveLatitude Festival - https://www.latitudefestival.com/Cheerful Earful - 20th October - https://cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com/festival/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-live-show-20th-oct-ticketsPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Working in the trades is intense. It can be stressful and painful. Some guys use drugs and alcohol to cope. But when we ask for help, we see someone struggling with addiction. Our silence speaks volumes. See how you can help, or get help, at Canada.ca slash ease the burden. A message from the Government of Canada. Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben.

And I am Matthew and welcome to a very exciting episode of Papi's Flat Share house meeting. It is a house meeting. We all have got together. We've chatted away and we present to you now the recordings. You're absolutely delighted with yourself there, aren't you? Tom, I know you don't listen to this podcast, but you should because you're all over it. You'd

love it. It's really your sense of humor. It really is. It's very much your vibe. Only yours, it turns out. We present the recordings. Yes, we are presenting the recordings. And speaking of presenting the recordings, if you enjoy this on the free feed, then every Thursday we put out a second podcast on the Patreon feed. So if you join the Patreon today, then you'll get a second episode every week of us wittering on and you get a lot more beside as well. There's a lovely community over there. Everybody's chatting away on the emails I'm going to say.

It's really nice anyway I want to say emails so they called that electronic males no all I'm saying is I get whenever someone mentions chats on the patreon it comes to me as an email but I don't know if they're chatting on some kind of patreon thing or they're going I don't know how it works okay there are there are comments and there are emails but I don't think we need to bore people with the minutiae. I'll explain that. I'll explain. I'll explain this this complicated system to you off off air. But for now, yes, join the Patreon. It's patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share. And of course, if you join at any time over the next few months, you can get a seven-day

free trial. So you can join, you can, you know, stay in town. You know, if you are getting out of town, then why not download a bunch of episodes to enjoy while you're traveling? Because you can get a seven-day free trial. You can listen to, you can download and listen to all of the episodes on the seven-day free trial. You don't have to resubscribe.

You don't have to, you know, cost no money at all. All of that content is there for you during that seven- day free trial. You don't have to resubscribe. It costs no money at all. All of that content is there for you during that seven day free trial. After that, you pay four quid a month for the audio only, but it's well worth it. It's really, really worth it. Yes. So please do join today, patreon.com forward slash papiesflatshare. That aside, have we got any other admin to talk about? We're doing the Latitude Festival. So we'll see you on the what date is it now? Hang on a second.

28th. Is it the 28th? It's the 28th guys. Sooner than you think. Sunday the 28th. Yeah. We'll see. We'll see you on Sunday the 28th at the Latitude Festival.

We'd love to see you there. Looking forward to it. We will be there on stage at eight or 8.30. Check the listings to find out. And of course, on the 26th, Fat Dog will be performing. Remember, Fat Dog will be on on the 26th. Fat Dog will be performing on the 26th. Are you going to be there for that? I can't be. I don't think so. I'll be there in spirit. I tell you what, let's promo some other people. I think on the I think Future Islands are also performing on the 26th as well. I believe Anthony Smirick is performing on the 27th.

So these are all, you know, Duran Duran's on the 28th. So all good, strong artists who you should go and see. And yeah, have a great time at the festival if you're there, folks. The other thing is we should. I mean, I feel like we don't often do this, but we should do a very small TW before we begin the episode that this is spooky, this episode. It may not be, it may be quite a few months away from Halloween, but this is a spooky episode. So you could either lean into it, you know, dim the lights, light some candles, have a real spooky time or maybe you think, well, it's a little bit late at night. I don't

want to listen to a spooky episode now. I'll wait till tomorrow morning. If tomorrow ever comes. Yeah. But yeah, a little bit spooky this app. Why on earth am I always waiting? House meeting! Who wet my bed while I was sleeping? Let's have a house meeting! What's the point? Does life have a meeting? I want to tell you what I think is genuinely one of the scariest. It's I don't know how to describe it. Freaky, spooky, scary.

It remains that way. It's still that it hasn't resolved itself. So maybe, maybe you can resolve it for me. This is a recent thing. Can we wait? So this is a thing that's, is this something that's happened to you that you've never resolved that is still freaking you out? Or is it like a general for, okay. So you're not sort of saying what's, it's not just the hangover from last night's cup final. Guys, I'm freaking out. I drank seven pints last night. So let's see if I can tell this. Yeah, I mean, it's easily told. It's very simple. The stairwell in our house runs down the centre of the house. So it's

kind of, imagine it's effectively a landlocked stairwell with like bedrooms and bathrooms off the site. Can we just, wait, is that an estate agent's phrase? I don't think it's anyone's phrase, is it? I hope you enjoy the landlocked stairwell. A landlocked stairwell. I would hope that most stairwells are landlocked. I mean, I think even a lighthouse keeper's stairwell is landlocked, isn't it?

It's not disappearing directly into the ocean. There's no windows, it's not going up the side of the house. It's got nothing to do with windows being landlocked. In this case, in this case. In this case, in the way I'm using it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your house is like a peninsula. Is that right?

Your house is your house on an Oxbow Lake. Yeah. I might've done myself over here with the nautical references. Yeah. You're like we're streeting, aren't you? This is like the ship shape and ship ship shape and ship, ship fashion and already been seaworthy and winded my sails. No wonder you freaked out mate?

Let's go back to your stairwell. So what you're trying to describe here, man. It goes at the centre of the house is what I'm trying to get at. It's not off to the side where there's windows to the outside along the stairwell. Yes, I get you. For example. I know what you mean. It's right up the fucking middle of the boy. If you're going up the stairs, you can't look out the window of the house. Like I would say almost every other house in the world.

Right. Is that fair to say what? What? Hang on. Say that again. If you go up the stairs, you can't look at a window. Yeah. Yeah.

But my brother's house, you can go up the stairs and look at the window. Oh, okay. So his is, his is seaworthy. Yeah. His is a coastal experience. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Gotcha.

And Ryan gigs his house famously as a fish tank going up the stairs. So that's right. We know it's a real not famously. We know that. Did he also have a fish tank in his Lou as well? Was that also part of the fish tanks all over the place? Sydney. Remember when that was the, that was the only thing to say about Ryan Giggs?

I miss those days. Here's the interesting thing about Ryan Giggs. He's got a fish tank in his loo. Yeah. He's got a fish tank in his loo and he's got an incredibly hairy body. Yeah. And those two things now, they're not even in the top 10. It's a real shame.

So that's a real shame for Giggs. If Giggs, he never won a lot of money. It's a real shame. So that's a real shame for Giggs. If Giggs, not for Giggs, it's a real shame for us. Yeah, for everyone who knows. The rest of the world, I think. Like if only he could now release a book that was like My Fish Tankaloo. And it was like, oh, yeah, that's the that's the only interesting thing that he's got to write. I wish he could release that book as well, Tom.

Do you think do you think when he sat down with his PR people to sort of do the crisis talks, they said, listen, release a book about your fish tank. It's kind of like a toilet book. I know. Just an email from a text message from his publicist. Not even the fish tank Luke can save you now mate you're gonna have to make the most spectacular fish tank your whole house is just gonna have to be

desperately trying to get more fish tanks into his house to change the subject he's got a fish tank hat it's not enough kidsy in my defense, I've got a goldfish ball in my head. It's not enough, is it? And you know what? And rightly so. Yeah, I mean, that's it. Is there a rule about props in the courtroom that you can't, you know... I think they call them evidence, don't they, rather than... But yeah, like I guess you can't bring in a thing.

Is there a sort of like, if you say, whoa, what's this over here? Are you immediately in contempt of court? Yeah, like I'm thinking about one of those spinning bow ties. Be good. You know what I mean, where it's like, you're on the witness stand and you're like, cool, what was I doing on June the 25th? I don't know. I think like, oh, what was I doing on June the 25th? As long as you use the phrase, I put it to you that, and then you spin the boat.

You'll see a lot of sage nods from the from the from the jewelry box there. You'll see a lot of people making making, you know, the formal making some pretty frantic notes at that stage. What does the photographer write at that point? You have, you'll have to say, because you have to say for the stenographer, let the record show. Let the record show that the boat is spinning. I have got a, I've got a bow tie that's spinning and I've got a goldfish bowl. Let the record show that he's got a spinning bow tie with a fish in it.

And it's not doing that fish any good at all. It's one dizzy goldfish. By the way, dizzy goldfish, our favorite jazz trumpeter. What a sublime, sublime. Honestly, back when he was playing for the Ornette Coleman band. Oh, you know, it was, it was, it really was. I had the privilege of seeing dizzy goldfish at Ronnie Scott's a few a few years back you know before he passed and I saw him a few years later after he passed not as good a gig I've got to say he did all of his

best work I'm not even gonna say some of his best but he did all of his best work before he died did Dizzy Goldwish. Oh I don't coffin. The rotating fish tank coffin. Fish tank coffin. He's turning in his grave, alright. Those fish are turning in his grave. Can I just say that is a lovely bit of business for a funeral, isn't it? Rotating fish tank coffin. Rotating coffin. But you could just, just as it's about to be loaded in, it does a quick spin round. Yeah, yeah.

It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing.

It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a nice little thing. It's a be loaded in, it does a quick spin round. Yeah. He's not even in his grave and he's spinning.

I've said it once before, but it bears a repeat. So you're on this you're on this staircase. Yeah. If only I was on it. Can I say this? This, by the way, has already been more stretched out than the staircase, the Netflix series. Well, that's what I'm pitching.

This is what we're sent to Netflix. With the rotating owl. I have a question, Tom. Are there wall, is it an enclosed staircase that a wall's on either side or is it like a C3? Landlocked. Landlocked. Right.

OK, exactly that. No one's vaulting over the banister here you have walked those stairs clarky that's true it was a while ago now so yeah you dropped an egg on those stairs clark it's on every step distracted by all the fish i was like's going to get a tank for these flopping around. Look, we just moved in. OK, I'll get the tank in the end. We're doing it bit by bit. You know, those guys who help you move, they are they are fantastic.

They're an incredible service. But wrapping all the fish individually. I mean, that was a problem. It was and in newspaper as well. You don't get a fish in newspaper anymore, do you? So rarely, so rarely these days. So anyway, so you're talking about it's a boxed off staircase that you can't you know there's walls on either side you're just going you're going straight up you're not there's no view. There's no view. Have you decorated the walls? You have paintings on

the walls or anything like that? You got any? Couple of photos. Yeah, absolutely. Lovely. Master bedroom off to the left. And then, you know, bathroom, kids bedroom off to the right. Yeah. Okay. Just to paint the picture. Well, it's a spooky story already.

What? The layout of my house. Yeah. It's an architect's note there. Haven't even got to the basement yet. Which is mags, we're already up the stairs. The basement. Where's your basement? That's the freaky thing. That's the crazy thing. You know, that, I tell you what. Bloody extra portrait over here. That guy from Foxstone's absolutely saw you coming. It's a landlocked staircase and this is an interesting

feature. The attic is the basement. You saw me coming and leaving. Walked up the stairs, came up and down the bottom. Yeah, so you're coming and leaving at the same time. Absolutely, yeah. So that's the spooky part out of the way with, now what's the story? My daughter and I were leaving the house

to go for a food shop. Oh yeah. So we'd been up. My wife and my son were having a feed and stuff in the master bedroom. They hadn't really been up. So I've been up and down that staircase all morning. Let me tell you. Then we went out to do the food shop and I got a text from my wife saying, ha ha ha, what's the, uh, what's the number nine

for? Where did, where did you get that from? Um, all, all the windows downstairs are closed, closed them before I left the house. Jane had come out the house, come out her room, sorry, about half 10 and in the middle of the stairwell, at the top of the stairs, was an inflatable number nine helium balloon. What? A foil number nine helium balloon. What? That was like slightly deflated like a couple of days old.

What? On the stair, like just at the top of the stair, like there, bang. And it's like, it was big, you know, know it's like i don't know the size of a guys you've heard of inside number nine this is number nine inside yeah he's flipped the script on us uh yeah tom so and just to just to clarify we know this obviously but the the listeners might not no one in your house is is nine or has recently or has recently or even yet or even turn 39 birthday is like years away. Do you want to me? It's not even it's not an up and it's not an upside down six string at the bottom. It's got a string at the bottom. Yeah, of course. And it's big.

So you and is it attached to a weight or is it was it just floating around? Just there was a bit of string at the bottom of it and it was just up at the ceiling. Yeah, of course. And it's big. So you, and is it attached to a weight or is it, was it just floating around? Just there was a bit of string at the bottom of it and it was just up at the ceiling. It floated up to the ceiling of the stairs. That's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. There's no explanation for it. Do you think it floated in when you, so you, you've been in, you've been, the door has been open, right? Right. It would be absolutely insane, right? But the door has been open.

But the idea that a balloon could follow you in. No. No, it would be mad, wouldn't it? I thought it would have had to pass you on the way. It would have had to pass me. I'd have had to have tipped my cap to it. You always do whenever a balloon passes you. I always tipped it to him.

I'm a very superstitious guy. Oh yeah, you've got to salute, don't you? It takes you a long time to get through a fun fair. You've got to salute the nine. You've got to salute the nine, haven't you? This is an and we took so it's what it's like a one of those foil helium inflatable. I can I'll what's up your picture. We can we can attach a picture to it. I think modern technology I can say I can send you the image. Were the windows upstairs open? There there were we think but the windows are always just a jar. Jar. Yeah.

That's a big also they have to be like it really have to work its way in. The journey of this thing would have to come in. Yeah. And then go along the room. I mean, it would have to be fucking Doffin's cabin. Give me a load of doffing. There's no way. I don't understand. There's no, I can't conceive a viable journey of this number nine. Can you just check for definite, for definite, for definite that your wife isn't pranking

you, that she isn't sort of pretending like. No, because she's more freaked out than I am. Yeah, it's creepy, isn't it? Yeah. Because, you know, obviously the the the the floating the balloon, that's an imagery straight out of a horror movie. What does the number nine signify? Exactly. A number of number of lives a cat has. I mean, what what could it what could it be? What is it? What is the universe trying to warn you about?

I never did get casted inside number nine. You never did. Did either of you get the call? Never. That feels mad to me. They had so many episodes of that thing and everyone was doing them. And we're right. We were right there. We're right there. Do do you know what I mean we're always right here guys if you're listening I feel like we weren't even at number seven or eight I feel like we barely I was down to the last one for number nine yeah so obviously it's an inherently fre. It's it's it isn't it like you said, it's a freaky number. It's a really freaky number. Is it a freaky number? Why is it a freaky number? Nine? Yeah, the number of the guy. You know, we all know that we all know that

666 is the number of the beast, but the number of the nine is nine. Wow. Okay. So think about that. Honestly, what chill just went through me. I had a nine. Is it a message from her? You did. Your your your granny was called nine, wasn't she? But that N A I N. Yeah, but still you can't fit those in a balloon. That would have cost her loads of money.

still you can't fit those in a balloon that would have cost him money have you been finding lots of things that seem a bit like didn't you find a naan bread on your stairs as well earlier this week your granny's trying to get in touch with you fell on my head she's absolutely furious you didn't get her the uh didn't splash out on a fifth bank. This German guy just screamed at me through the window. What's going on? What's going on? If only there was some logical explanation. But yeah, that's really creepy. I was at a fifth birthday party when one of the mums

let go of the balloon outside the party and the kid watched it disappear off into the sky. Don't, don't bring the balloon. And he lost his mind. I'm not entirely sure why this mum had the balloon. She wasn't the mum of the kid and why it was outside with her, but she let go. What's she up to? She was one of the mums.

She'd taken out into the street. Oh, she was, yeah, she was, she was one of the mums of one of the kids, but she wasn't the mum of the kid whose birthday party it was. So she let go of it. Then she ran out into the road to try and grab it and she could have grabbed it in the road, I reckon, but she was too nervous, of course, because she was in the road. So she was looking around to make sure she wasn't going to get hit and then off it sailed

up into the sky. And it made me realise that I feel like helium balloons aren't worth it. Here we go. I mean, and again, it might just be because we're recording the day after England have lost the European final championships for like the second time running. I don't know if you know, they lost nine nil as well. Unbelievable, isn't it? So. In Germany. as well. Unbelievable, isn't it? So in Germany, exactly. I remember Garrett Southgate turning to the referee and saying, excuse me, mate, have we won? He said, I'm afraid nine, mate. I'm afraid of nine now.

Why did you say every other word in English? I don't know. I literally don't know the English word for it. There's something about the helium balloon that reminds me of England in tournaments. You kind of go, helium balloon is a big birthday helium balloon. It never ends well. It's either going to deflate slowly over three days and be very disappointing and sad. And you have to kind of bury it like a pet. Gather round and put it in the bin. And it's like, Oh God, look, it's not like a pet. Or you let go of it. It runs off into the sky like a pet or it's fucking in the house and it's too high for you to get. And it's causing you upset.

Like a pet. Yeah. It's a fucking, it's the worst pet you can get. Isn't it? Like a fish in a pig's ceiling. Like a fish in Kigsy's ceiling. Well, can I just very quickly, can I just check you on the facts there because when we're recording on the 15th of July, Year of Our Lord, 2029, of course.

But Cleo had her birthday, her fifth birthday party on the 29th. I got the balloon on the 28th. It's now the 15th. It's still inflated in her room. It looks sad as fuck, but it's still there and it's still floating around. Does it look like an S now? It doesn't. It barely even looks like that. Honestly, it's just, it's, it's, it's sort of, it looks like if it could speak, it'll be saying, please let me die. It's like, that's

what it looks like. It's like, it's, it's sort of every time I see it, it sort of turns towards me and implores me to get the shuffle out of the shed and just put it out of its misery. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's, Yeah. Sure. Three, three days of glory. And then a sad fortnight of it just slowly. Well, itself down. Or maybe it'll let itself out the house and crawl to scare the fuck out of them. It's really spooky. It's really spooky.

What did you do with it? We will glory was delighted and wanted to play with it. I took the prompt from my wife to get rid of it immediately and get it out of the house. I was thinking about this, I was thinking, what would I do? Because obviously kids love balloons and they're absolutely hours of fun, but a spooky balloon, you know, and also you can't let it into Gloria's bedroom because she's going to possess her and she's going to, you know, it wasn't me, the balloon did it. A lot of that kind of stuff.

Yeah, it should be floating around the room. Yeah, you don't want that. In the shape of a nine. Yeah, absolutely. Like a pet. Yeah. floating around the room in the shape of a nine. Yeah, absolutely. Like a pet. Yeah. Goat impressions. Let's hear you bleating.

Working in the trades is intense. It can be stressful and painful. Some guys use drugs and alcohol to cope. But when we ask for help, we see someone struggling with addiction. Our silence speaks volumes. See how you can help or get help at Canada.ca slash ease the burden. A message from the Government of Canada. But here we go. Fucking is the thing since the balloon incident. I'm very on edge. All right. I can tell turning to Ray Winston. Fucking is a thing. Life better is now in play. I was working with a friend of ours and he was saying that his

neighbors upstairs had a dog that was barking whilst he was trying to work at home. So he'd written to them to say, look, I think your dog's either got separation anxiety or... You know what? I'm already getting creeped out by this story. I know what they're going to... There is no... No. There's the balloon out of his mouth. It keeps squeaking.

It was a sausage duck. No, hang on. It was a giraffe. No, hang on, hang on. So he complained and they'd been quite passive aggressive in their response. And then the next day he'd opened the door and they live right on the sea. They live in Margate. So it's like sea side. So they're not landlocked. They're not. They're the opposite of landlocked. Sea locked. Coastal. They're coast full. Don't mind that. They opened the door.

I could tell. So the family walk past. Sorry, I've lost track of the story here. Someone's opened the door. He wrote a letter. He complained. They opened the door and the family walked past. Wait, what's going on? In the middle of his doormat was an acorn. Oh no. Right? And he reckons the girl's 14 or something in this family. And this guy's partner is very into spells and all that kind of stuff. And so she was like immediately like that's a hex. If that girl has left an acorn.

Oh yeah. I think that's one step down. That's like the Brownies version of leaving a bullet on your doorstep. So it was like, don't touch the mat. There's bad juju. As though he had to take the acorn and put it in the sea or some shit and cleaned the mat and stuff like that. Like make sure it doesn't cross the threshold. But our friend had already touched it. They've already messed up. Yeah. You shouldn't leave it. You shouldn't put it in the sea, right? First, don't put it in the sea in order for the hex to move on. You have to then you have to give the, give it to somebody else,

throw it into the sea. It's exactly. You've got to pass it on. It's going to just, it's, you know, there's going to be, there's going to be a massive tidal wave and Margate is going to go straight into his front room and there's going to be an acorn left on his sofa. That's what's going to happen. Because you can't. Fucking gob. Right. In his gob. Yeah. And he'll choke to death on an acorn.

He's got a famously small gob this guy. I know you're talking about him. He's a real soup drinker this guy. He's got no nostrils. He's got no nostrils and a very, very small mouth and just, you know, real Andy the painter, this guy, he can just like pop it, pop it right in there. Um, but yeah, this Andy, the pain to this guy. He can just like pop it, pop it right in there. But yeah, this is so he's made a mistake there anyway. Like, like how you can pass on it. You can, you know, you, you put bad juju into an object

and then you leave it very deliberately in a place they have to take it. Yeah. And yeah. And so, and then that night I was staying in his house and he's got like a lot of framed things around and above where right at the top of the shelf in the kitchen is like a frame that means a lot to him. And in the morning we got up and went to the kitchen and it was smashed on the floor and everything. Nothing else was smashed in the house. He's got the hex of Farthing Wood.

He's got the Acorn Hex. Yeah, the Acorn Hex. And it's just like, is that, is that what this is? Is it, is it, you know, have I been hexed? I think there's one of you hex me with this. No, it's not. Listen, don't look at me, man. I've, I've got, listen, we've got no complaints with you. We've not had a, you know, we've not had a sort of neighborly complaint with you since you moved hundreds of miles away.

Whatever the opposite of a hexes. You two did tell me to go. We did say, please, please. Could you move a four hour drive away? Four hours 20. We were beating you up with the birch is what was happening. So yeah, I'm not normally a weirded out kind of guy. But yeah, stuff like that.

I feel pretty close to being weirded out man. So you've been living in the hex house and now you've traveled back and another mysterious things happened to you. It was a bloody balloon yeah. The bloody, yeah the... Oh no, so it wasn't a bloody balloon, so this is my Ray Winston. I was going to say, if it was dripping with blood, then I think maybe you should have mentioned that in the telling of the story, because that is a really creepy detail.

What colour was it? Silver. Silver. Foil, helium, balloon. What I've realised my biggest fear is, is it being there again? Like I've, because I kind of took it out to the back and kind of slid it, I kind of slid it and put it in the basket. Yeah.

You've got it. Put a bullet in the back of its head. You know what? It's exactly what I should have done to our balloon, but I know I know clear would it wouldn't be able to handle it. No, you got to drive to this. You got to put it in the sea. Yeah, no, this is it. You have to be.

Unfortunately, I have to let it return to the sea of its own volition. She now sleeps the window open. She sleeps the window open and the fishing forecast on. That's what she does. The shipping forecast every night. She's got that on just hope hoping that it's, you know, take the hint, hoping that a cromity sort of wind of comedy will drag it to its spiritual home. The ocean, the winds of chromatography were

a good band, weren't they? Oh, they were fantastic. Of course. Yeah, yeah. The winds are amazing. Every year before steel I spam come out. That's my idea. So that's my new biggest fear is going up the stairs and it's there again. Yeah. What would you do if it happened? I mean, I know you're already in the process of trying to sell your house, right? So would you?? So would you first you would you immediately people who are looking right now. By the way, this house is hexed. Landlocked staircase, hexed house, the basement is the attic, the

attic is the basement. Anyway, do you want to buy it? But it's defensive is hexed. So Lalanog and deeply hexed staircase, which is a really, really exciting feature. Yeah. So like, would you would you if you if the balloon returned, would you get the entire family out of the house immediately? Would you would you get them into a hotel at least overnight? I could. Yeah, I think I would. I don't know what I would do in that situation. I think you're not staying in the outside. You're Clarky. Oh, uh, yeah. But you're, you wouldn't know when you're doing it on your own as like, uh, I'll film it and see what happens kind

of. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Clark is a YouTuber. Aren't you? Clarky Clark is sort of like, um, um, so Mr. Beast figure is, is Clarky. That's he, he is a Mr. Beast figure and then he gives away acorns to pass us by. Whereas Mr. Beast will often give away like a hundred grams to a passer by. He'll give away an acorn to a passer by and hex them. Well, no, Clarky gives away all of his money to pub landlords doesn't he? He's placed a hex on his own liver is what he's done. Yeah, you're not gonna try and play it play it at Acorns again are you Clarkie? Come on man, Castlemane 4 hex.

Or a more modern reference. That was good man. I can't get a point of Castlemane 4X anywhere for love, normally. I'll tell you about it. Absolutely spitting feathers. I love the old 4X. You know what? Do you know what I'd love? I'd have a lovely Castlemane 4X and chase it down with a skull. Wouldn't you love to have a skull?

Oh yes, please. Imagine trying to watch the latest Crocodile Dundee movie without being able to wet the whistle with a castle made Forex. Just doesn't bear thinking about does it? No, it's awful. No, but yeah, so in answer to your question, I'm taking the family, I'm going, Clarky's staying. Oh yeah, you're going to go to a hotel and they're going to go, we've only got one room I'm taking the family. I'm going. Clarkie's staying.

You're going to go to a hotel and they're going to go. We've only got one room left available. It's room number nine. On the ninth floor. And it's landlocked. It's a landlocked room. It's a cupboard. I'm supposed to be coming to visit you next week. I'm not coming in that fucking house. I'm not going. I mean, I'm glad you told me, rather than after I'd arrived, there's no way I'm sitting foot in there.

I was hoping you'd perform a ceremony on it. You want me to exercise like to sort of like some sage. I want you to exercise Crosby. I'm worried about you. That's a different thing. Me and Crikey were going to talk about that. We want you to exercise more, mate. Listen, honestly. Of the three of us, this is insane talk. I've tried it and I can tell you it's not going to make me any taller.

And they still won't let me enter the full marathon. I have to do halves. They will not allow it. They will not allow it. But yeah, I'll come to your house with some sage. I will perform a exorcism. Yeah, some good advice and we'll have a turkey dinner. Can I ask, is that sage advice? Does that come from? Does it derive from giving advice about how to grow sage? Clarky and Clarky, we all thought that was a better question. I'm fascinated to know where you thought I was going with that. At what point you became disappointed when you realized where I was going with it. I thought it was going to be because it's like, yeah, like sage, like you'd do like a

ceremony and stuff like that. And as in like burning sage and sage is a sort of, is a kind of a useful tool, right? In the kind of, in the sort of the druids, the druids, a sort of handy, you know, sort of knapsack, the sage. Oh, the the druids knapsack, by the way, that's where I first saw dizzy goldfish. I'll never forget that night. I can't believe they close up. It's a, it's a prep now, isn't it? The druids knapsack is a hell of a place, man. If those wolves could talk, they'd put goldfish in them.

But yeah, so they, we thought it was going to be a question about like, This insulation stinks. Is sage going to be like, you know, because it's seen as a thing to sort of clear the air, you know, if you sort of burn sage, is sage advice, is it connected to that? That felt like, yeah. Is it? That felt quite good now that you say it like that. It feels like a good question. Yeah. I've got a good idea for a chat show for you where you never complete the question. You just sort of ask it slowly enough that the person you're interviewing has to jump in and hope they're answering what you started.

I genuinely think this is part of the problem. We spent spent so, like, we spent so much of our 20s and 30s in a sketch group where we barely ever finished a sentence. I feel like, no, when I'm on my own, I really struggle. I barely start them. Because you never stop them. Whereas, yeah, I think the problem might be me and this is it's a, I not only start and end my own tendencies, I started in yours as well. You're a busy man.

You're a busy man. Seriously. So yeah, anyway, it could be about growing sage. We all agreed. That was a good question. Yeah, yeah. That was a great question. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, apologies. Yeah. Yeah. So you're going to, you're going to rock into the South West and exercise the house. Yeah. Maybe find a buyer for it as well. If you could do both of those things. I think that I think the hexasism will happen first and you know what? The next it will just the rest of it will just fall into place.

Because once you've got a house that's got sort of good vibes, because I think people you sense fire. It's occurred to me. I've got to go out and buy an inflatable helium number 7 balloon. So... Because guys... 789? 789? That's all the time we have guys. Oh no. Oh dear.

Can't be here. That's it. What if that's it? What if that's the last podcast Tom ever puts out? Because he's asphyxiated by helium overnight. Inflated. Sent off. 789! We need to get the kids out the house! Get to a hotel! Call the police! Die all night!

Oh my god, that genuinely would be quite scary if the helium balloons floating around and you're trying to scream, you're trying to scream and alert the rest of the family and only dogs can hear you because you're so high pitched. That would be. It's like the end of Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Oh yeah. Yes! You start getting really freaking with it and then floating yourself. You start floating up and shrieking. Yeah!

You know that was, it was supposed to be helium in Blue Velvet. You know Dennis Hopper's character is like huffing on that stuff. It was supposed to be helium, but it seemed too silly. Him inhaling helium, his voice was too. But that's I think in a horror movie where someone is like, like, there's the idea that, you know, you're trying to get the, you know, you can see the balloon floating towards your, you know, your your your loved ones about sort of, you know, drift him off into some sort of

magical mountain kingdom or whatever. And you're there trying to warn them and you're, oh God, I think that's, that's genuinely that's given, that's given me chills, man. You're welcome. No, no, no. Oh my God. Thomas, Thomas, Thomas inflated and drifted off across Exeter! He's off of the skyline!

Oh my god! Watch out for the staple! No, he just lodged in a nearby tree. Just dangling there now. Poor love. House meeting. Is having subtitles on a forum film cheap? House meeting. Chills. Guys. There it is. There it is. Wow. We are close to the nether world. I was going to say nether regions. That's a different thing.

Hello, he is spooky. I'm close to my nether regions. I'm close to my nether regions. There's ectoplasm everywhere by the looks of things. I'm close to my nether regions, but that's mainly due to my height. Very close to the ground. Very close to the ground. Listener dear, if this has affected you, please get in touch. Let us know. Are you scared? Have

you got a story about the number nine? Has have you ever been hexed? Have you hexed? Let us know. Yeah, spooky stuff. Yeah, Pappy's flat share. We're here for it. We're here for it. Pappy's flat share at gmail.com. Tell us your stories of being Flat Share. We're here for it. We're here for it. Pappy'sflatshareatgmail.com. Tell us your stories of being hexed. We'd love to know about them. We really would. Pappy'sflatshareatgmail.com. All right. Well, no hex on you, the listener, dear, because you are our very, very favourite people. We think you're all absolutely wonderful. Please do join the Patreon if you can afford it. And even if you can't hop along for the seven day free trial and see what you think, because we we absolutely love it over there.

We think it's a tremendous amount of fun. We'd love to see you there. And oh, by the way, Edinburgh is about to start, isn't it? Should we promo a few of our shows that we're looking after in the Edinburgh and up in Edinburgh this year? I completely forgot about that. Yeah. So I am looking after two fantastic standups, both brilliant, both have been on the show as well. Both been on our Pappy's Flat Shared Beef Brothers

Cold Cuts. Firstly, a brilliant comedian from the Midlands called Eric Rushton. His show is called Real One and he is- I love him so much. I'm so excited to see the show. Yeah, I was... He was already one of my favourite comedians when he got in touch with me to ask if I would help him out with his show. It's been a real pleasure. He's a fantastic stand-up. He's so funny. He's genuinely unique. I don't know anyone who's like him. And this show especially is, I know he's worked really hard on it, but you will go along and just love it because it's really, really superb. He's got such a unique style. And also he's well worth a follow on Instagram as well because he's constantly posting clips of him having tricky interactions with the with the with the public. Because the other thing as well is he you know, he is he

gigs a lot and he gigs in lots of the big clubs. But he also he is not afraid as he reminds me a lot of us he's not afraid to take any old shit ball get going. And so he's no stranger to emceeing a room full of what a room empty of people, you know, like, and he's equally funny in massive, massive rooms and tiny rooms with hardly anyone in them. But I think he's brilliant. He's great. Please give him full rooms up in Edinburgh. His show is called Real One. His name is Eric Rushton. We'll put the details of his show in the show notes. I'm also looking after

Abby Clark. Again, also another comic who I really, really like. You might know her from Instagram. She's massive on Instagram, but she's a brilliant stand-up as well. And her show, for someone who's made their name through TikTok and Instagram, her show is a straight stand-up show and she's brilliant at it. And she's been, I think people don't really realize that she is also a brilliant stand-up. Her show is called Role Model and it's great. And she's another person who I just I love. I just love how sort of meticulous she is and inventive

and funny. And yeah, she's great. And yeah, it's a really, it's a really fun show that I think has actually got quite a lot to say about this crazy world we live in. But yeah, real one is Eric Rushton. Role model is Abby Clark. Please do go and see them. Phenomenal. Lovely. Lucky. I'm looking after two shows as well. I've got Christopher Hall,

who's doing a show called Girl for All Seasons. Incredibly funny. I love it. It's it's proper. Laugh, laugh a minute. Stuff. Laugh a laugh a minute stuff. Laugh every 10 seconds probably. And I'm also looking after Nick Sampson, who's doing a show called yellow Power Ranger. He was actually the yellow Power Ranger. Oh, wow. In season 14 of the Power Rangers. That's amazing.

Yeah. But it shows it's it's it's mostly a fictional account of that. Right. Brilliant. And it's it's really, really, really funny. I love it. Oh, great. I worked with Christopher recently.

I was telling you that was my name. Oh, you did. Yeah. Phenomenal. Yeah. He's very talented, very funny guy and lovely as well. Yeah, very lovely. How exciting? Really exciting stuff.

In less exciting news, I'm directing something in the theatre section. Ooh. Fortunately, it's Adam Richie's. Oh, great, great. Never not brilliant. He's doing a one-man show about the tennis player Jimmy Connors, who was one of the greatest tennis players in the world. And in 1991, at the age of 39,

he went on an impossible run and beat everyone who was younger than him. And it's the story of that US Open. But it's Adam doing all the good stuff that Adam does, but it is a proper play set during a tennis match. So he's learning the tennis match to play the tennis match on stage as he's doing the show. It's going to be great. It's amazing. Great. Fantastic. So that's on at Summer Hall.

And look, the thing about going to the Summer Hall is it makes you feel good about yourself. Oh yeah. Yeah. If you're chucking it around the comedy clubs and you're in the courtyard and all that stuff. But then if you take a little walk over to Summer Hall, you feel so highfalutin, you feel really smug. And you get to say to people, oh, I was just over at Summer Hall. So you get all of that as well as getting to see the peerless Adam Richies.

Yeah, he's great. He's on at half nine. He's absolutely fantastic. Although I will warn you, he has recently been hexed. Oh no. well, I was going to say, doesn't he live in Margate? And I say, oh yeah. Yeah. I will. I will. It depends if the hex is kicked in. We'll see how the show goes. Um, all righty then. Well, that about does it. Uh, listener day. It's been a pleasure being in your ear

canal, although, Oh, hang on. Something's something's up there in the shadows at the top of your ear canal. What, what is that? Today's episode was produced by my caution. Cheers everyone. Bye. Working in the trades is intense. It can be stressful and painful. Some guys use drugs and alcohol to cope.

But when we ask for help, we see someone struggling with addiction. Our silence speaks volumes. See how you can help, or get help, at Canada.ca slash ease the burden. A message from the Government of Canada.