Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Bleak Out) S13E46

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

Tom, Ben and Matthew slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. It starts with a bleak out, via some pranks, and then Christmas really beginsPappy's Flatshare Slamdown returns to the Phoenix in 2024. Come and see us live, it really is an experience like no other29th Jan - Joe Wilkinson and Sooz Kempner https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/76780952796730th Jan - Cariad Lloyd and Kemah Bob - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/767812336367Or you can get a discounted ticket to both shows by following this link - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/767815786687Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I am finding being alive, fascinating. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Poor things is fantastic and deliciously funny. Better. What? Why are I keeping my mouth if it is revolting? It's an instant classic.

We must experience every big bell out. Then we can know the world. I want to know the world. The world is ours. I must go punch that baby. Poor things. No playing in select theaters. Greetings, listener dear!

I'm Tom! I'm Bed. And I'm Matthew. And what a what a band Hymar they really are. Oh, they're the musical female equivalent of puppies. Very much so, very much so. I think I see us as the Hyam of podcasting until, of course, Hyam start their own podcast, which it may already have done. Inevitable. It may already have done.

So welcome, welcome, welcome to this very exciting festive episode as it eventually became, we didn't realize it at the start, it's probably your festive episode, but we got there at the end of Papi's flat share house meeting. House meeting, welcome, one and all. Thank you so much for, can we just thank you all for listening just to give thanks to practice a little bit of gratitude. And thank you all, firstly for downloading and listening to this episode. And also, if you have for listening throughout the entire year, it's been wonderful. We're doing happy hours, we've loved it.

It means the absolute world to us to have your ear canal. And we, you know, we literally will go to this without you. Yes, go on. Speaking of which, I've got to, we literally will go to this with that. Yes, go on. Speaking of which, I've got to, I've got to read this out. This, we got this message in from Matt Barton. And he says, dear puppies, happiest of festive times to you all. I was at my daughter's school carol service last night

and suddenly realized that our little town of Bethlehem contains perhaps the first recorded instance of someone entering via the ear canal. Not only that, but it's none other than old J.C. himself. And then he quotes the lyrics here, him still the dear Christ enters in. Happy Christmas and watch out for Chiki old Jeba, sneaking into those festive ear canals. What a great message from Matt, thank you so much Matt. Yeah, it's true, I hadn't thought of that, but of course, that's the way you let Christ into your ears

over the festive period. Well, there's only one set of footsteps in your ear canal. That's because we were carrying him. And also, when you think about it, if Jesus were around these days, would he not podcast? Well, do you know like Jesus, he mixed with normal folk, the everyday men, the whole of fishermen, how else would he reach

in these days apart from with a free podcast that goes out every Thursday, unless you hop on the Patreon, AKA, become one of his 12 disciples. Now, a little bit more access to this. Tom, you shouldn't tell everyone how many of you have Patrons be caught up on the way. Let's try and get that number to 14 in 2024, guys.

So, let's try and remember what day the podcast comes out as a Tuesday. So, but listen, we, listen, this is the information we need to know. You need to know it as the listener. We're not details, people, guys. We're not details, people. It's about sentiment. Of course, the Patreon Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's FlatShare, if you want to get

some extra bonus, if you're missing us over the festive break, then get yourself onto the Patreon where for four quid a month, you can get a bonus episode every single week. And it's a real treat. There's a load of bonus episodes to catch up on. Or you can just start from the most recent episode and enjoy that as well. It is a tremendous amount of fun. So also, don't forget, if you are a fan of Papi's Flat Shed slam down we're doing some live shows. And the Phoenix pub in the

futuristic year of 2024. So we're there on January 29th and January 30th, fingers crossed we make it. January 29th we've got Joe Wilkinson and Sue's Kemperner. January 30th we've got Carrie Adloy and Keema Bob. They're both going to be fantastic. Both shows are selling fast. They're selling very fast indeed. So, grab your tickets. I would say grab your tickets as soon as you can. That welcome to the Sue's Camping Show is very nearly sold out

and the, the Keema and Carrie Adloid one is catching up with it fast. So, grab your tickets. We would love to see you there at the Phoenix in Cavendish Square for some very fun flat-sheast landhounds. Tickets are available at papyscomedy.com forward slash live. But shall we crack on with this episode? Because it's just that we've got to, we simply

must. And it started, it started in a dance as chance as old as time with Clarky being just a little bit late. I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want a chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat. Has me ting. What temperature should we set the heat ting, be ting. Why on earth am I always weak? How's me ting? Be ting, be ting. Who went my bed while I was sleeping? There's half a half-me ting.

Be ting, be ting, be ting. What's the point? Does life have a me ting? How's me ting? What's going on, Clarky? Sorry, I just completely forgot. Are you all right? Are you?

Yes. We were saying it's often in this instance, you were like out the gym. No, that's not for real. I was like, who'd try to work out, which is worse, because I was saying like, wait, if you're at the gym, it's worse for me, because psychologically, I know you're feeling good about yourself,

and you're like, I'm doing something good, I've got up, I'm at the gym, and then it's like, oh no, I've actually fucked it. And I don't know whether that changes worse than the oh no I've always slept. Oh no I've like it feels like that's all the same Jolt. The Jolt's, Alien, let's not you know the Jolt is the word. The Jolt's the Jolt. So what were you up to? I mean the worst I think would be worse than the gym would be you recording another podcast.

I wasn't, I was doing nothing basically. You're just staring at the organ, I wish I had something to do. That's bad news. That's worse. Considering it's 9am on a Monday. I know, yeah. I wish I was bleaking out, man. You've interrupted my bleak out with something to do.

So committed to the bleak out. You had the bleak out in the diary before you had the podcast. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. So committed to the bleak out. I set a reminder for the bleak out. But you, everyone worked came police. I remind him of the bleak. That you even when work came in to get you out of the bleak at you're like, no, I think I'm, I think I'm going to pass.

It's not black Monday, isn't that in Jan? We got that coming up. Not for Clarky, it's not. Clarky's reclossed. He's reclossed. He's scheduled. What he's like the Queen is knee-ass-toe bleak. He has two bleak Mondays. He has 52 bleak Mondays, you mean? He has the official black Monday.

And he has a few cheeky black Mondays of his own. You guys don't have to celebrate with me. I'm very happy doing it on my own. We can have a national black Monday. And the one. One that's just for me, really. When is that? Have you got that coming up? Is it in, it's like is it the second week of Jan or something?

I don't know, I sort of don't really buy into any of these concepts because inherently I'm not real. I, I, I, I sort of inherently fear anything that's like, I don't like the idea of a sort of inherently fear anything that's like, I don't like the idea of a sort of collective depression. And I feel like if other people around me are feeling a bit down, it's like, I'm the kind of person I think I'd start like, I go, no, you're not,

come on, let's start talking about it. It's a good problem. Right. You know, like I don't think I, I don't think I can, I can't buy into these ideas. Well, the program, the program, your, the program, buy into these ideas. Well, they've programmed your babies. They've programmed your BBC special for that day, haven't they? And it was just dancing for half an hour,

and it does contribute to the national blip. It's actually lucky. I know your intentions are pure. Exactly. It's quite the opposite effect on the national mood. It really is. What came first, actually? The bleak out all the tap duts.

Well, I've been doing my televised BBC special for the last 175 years. I actually, it actually predates the BBC. That's it. That's it. It used to be put out on one of those wheels that you looked through and it. Is that a joke?

The problem was, I never moved past the Zavotpe, because the Zawa Trope, a guy tap dancing looks impressive and you're like, oh, I can watch this for ages. But if it's a guy actually physically tap dancing, who crucially can't tap dance on Telly. It was the great tragedy of our sitcom, wasn't it? We wrote it for Zawa Trope, really. And it liked it. That script.

That script and those performances on Zowa Tope. They weren't so well on Zowa Tope. He worked so well, we were just trapped in the wrong medium, I think. This is it, when the BBC came to us and said, we're gonna put out a DVD, we were like, you're making, right, this is gonna, this is gonna blacken your faces, while we do, this is, this technology is way too advanced.

We're effectively an armistice sketch group. At best, camera is cute, upscrew. Camera is exactly, exactly. to advanced. We're effectively an armistice sketch group. Best camera obscure. Upscore. Camera obscure. Exactly. Exactly. Best. I don't know about that. Best. Best. I'm not a bad example. It's a Clarky. Can I just say, it's very rare to get you at your best and it's a real

topic. Well, of course podcast isn't my medium guy. Favourously. If you had me on the end of a tin can with a string on it, that would have been amazing. Your medium is sofa and wall, isn't it? That's your... But seriously, we've got to check in because it's important that, you know, we're all concerned about mental health, clarky. Are you alright mate? Yeah, yeah, okay, thank you very much.

Okay, I'll check in again, same time, same December. I thought the five minutes. So the bleak Monday thing, which comes in the middle of Jan. Yeah. You right. I feel reticent about that as well, about that kind of, everyone's gonna feel bad today. And I think some, it feels like someone writing a dissertation,

come up with a formula or some shit, isn't it? They always go to a formula to say it's been calculated or something. Absolutely, yeah. Right, so the one that I do like getting on board with is isn't this Friday, isn't the Friday before Christmas like loopy Friday, when it's like the most arrests and everyone goes nuts and don't say no to it. Tom, Tom, that's just that's only in Wolverhampton and that's the purge. They have a purge in Wolverhampton, just for Christmas. There's looting and rioting.

It's a very different thing. It's not loopy, it's looting. You got to do Christmas looting. Looting Friday in Wolverhampton is not a national thing. It's not an international thing. I was thinking this, right? Because they often do, they'll do these, it's like, it's newspaper articles,

and it's normally like a survey that's been done by some insurance company or whatever, just to get themselves in the paper. But it would be like, we've looked at all the towns in Britain, and this is the happiest town to live. Imagine being a miserable person, and finding out your town is the happiest town to live. I'm thinking, oh my god, there's no hope for me. What can I do? You know,

it's not like I can, it's not like I can go, well, I'll move to a different place. I'm in the place where Pete, everybody is happy. If anything, if I moved out, it would make everyone even happier because it would bring the average down. You don't want the pressure, do you? You don't want the pressure of having to try and be happy all the time. Exactly. Is that where you move to Exeter? Yes. That's fine, yeah.

It's why I've been very content in South London for my entire life. Well, I think actually I do think just after I left Crystal Palace, it about a two months later, it got voted, you know, because they'd often do it in London, and it was like top five best places to live in London. Yeah. I mean, it leapt up the charts. Yeah. Which is mad, isn't it?

They literally, just as I can hear the engine of your car just put you in a way into the distance. He's going, okay, time to do the survey guys. Stick on for Elle. House prices leap up. Thanks boat to the people in the house next to you and the people in the house on the other side and they were like, yeah, yeah, it's a great place to live now. So I think could have happened back.

This is what I've been contemplating. When you look at, at you know right move and you're looking at house prices and oh yeah every so often a little bit of fun to go into a random city like obviously I'm from the midlands so like hop back to the midlands and go what's the same considerable price for a house that's not in the south or whatever it is. So what I was thinking about is there a theory and you can, you buy your house up north and then move it down south. Like would the cost of transporting, would the cost of transporting your house?

Tom, would you call me? Tom, you know the, no, no, no, Tom, you know the answer is not the house, is it? It's the land. Matthew, you hear him out, no, Tom, you know the answer is not the house is it? It's the land Matthew, you hear him out Sorry Tom, I don't think you're hearing me out If you've got to hear him out I thought you thought this through Matthew

Tom, if you put your hat, you can come on Tom and see it If you put your house in Exeter on the back of a flatbed truck and move it around, I'll tell you the value will change But it'll be contied decreasing Very difficult with the terrorists too You see them on the motorway occasion. Don't you half a house going down? It's always delightful to see yeah, yeah absolutely brilliant when you see a house on the back of a flatbed truck You know those prefab houses you always want somebody to come out with a cup of coffee. Just come out and throw it.

You're really doing it. You're really doing it. Take, do a little stretch, pick up the paper and go back inside. Yeah. Or just be like, what, what, what? Yeah, do the, do the double take. They come out to collect their milk, do a double take.

They're on the M4, check the milk, throw it over their shoulder, yes please. And they're a vicar, of course. Check get a five bed for an extra, you know, for a hundred grand less, you're taking brick by brick. Get that brick. Yeah, like if you put half that hundred grand into the move, you're quidding. Yeah, but you've got to get someone to reassemble the house on the other side. Yeah. And you've got, and crucially Tom, you have to buy the land, you're going to reassemble the house.

Yeah. I've got good feeding, you're going to be quits out. Yeah, I think, I think if you said to somebody, if you went into a building firm now and said, well, you take a house from Exeter to London and, and build it brick by brick, I would say they'd quote you slightly more than, than 50 grand. If we were a breakfast radio station 25 years ago, we'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we?

We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we?

We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? We'd have that call to play out now, wouldn't we? PENK in his prime. PENK in his absolute pomp. You would definitely get PENK given, given a building firm of calls. And you know, you'd have all his funny zoo team sort of giggling the way in the background.

Was a Halcyon time. So for the younger, for the younger listeners, he is, PENK, don't was like. I thought he was talking about radio. Radio. I would describe it as the audio Zoetrope clarking the camera obscura at it well at its best at the audio cam no man noob to listen

to dear I would want to describe pink. He was like the poet, Loria of radio pranks, wasn't he? Yeah, yeah. He was a... He was a maestro. Yeah, he was the original phone jacket. And for the kids, how do we use the phone jacket? LAUGHTER Well, it was a little bit like, uh, trigger habit TV, there.

LAUGHTER For the kids. It was like Beedle for the habit TV there. For the kids. It was like B-doll for the YouTube generation. He said, okay, have we got you? Speaking of which, I was working with a comedian the other day and because I am extremely boring, I was trying to tell them an anecdote about Danny Baker. And of course, whenever I'm faced with somebody in there, Oh, I'm so sorry my cleaners just cleaning outside. Sorry. Oh, thank God

Just been spared the Baker anecdote So I was trying to tell her an anecdote about, sorry, I was trying to tell her an anecdote about Danny Baker, because obviously that's what you do. When you're faced with someone in their early 20s, you think, I've got to tell him about Danny Baker. They're going to blow their minds. And I was trying to give this person some context

as to who Danny Baker was. And I said, oh, well, they were Chris Evans writer. And they were like, oh, Chris Evans was in like, from the Marvel movie. So it's like, no, the British Chris Evans, you know, they're either one from TFI Friday and don't forget your toothbrush. And just nothing until no recognition, no idea of no idea of who that was. And I thought, you know what, it's rare you get a moment like that where you go, I can't believe there are people in this world who don't know who the broadcasts Quizz Evans are.

But of course, you know, he's not been, you know, he used to, of course, you used to do the Radio 2 Breakfast Show, but why would someone in their 20s know about that? You know what? Exactly, you know, the audio's over-trip. the Radio 2 breakfast show, but why would someone in their 20s know about that? But what? Exactly. The audio's overshrope. But you don't listen to Virgin Radio breakfast show.

Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. It's, you know what? It's like someone going, Mike Reed to us. Like, come on. You know, of course, Mike Reed. We know who Mike Reed is to.

That's the problem. I don't know who Mike Reed is, Tom. That's the problem. I don't know who Mike Reed is. I just put a random name out there. Mike Reed. Which, well, there's two Mike Reed's, as far as I'm concerned, there's obviously Mike Reed from EastEnders,

the standard comedian. Bad. Listen. Look what you're done to me, bad. Or there's Mike Reed, the DJ who banned Frankie Ghost of Hollywood's Relax. And again, all of these words to someone in their 20s. I mean, I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, I've had a really good idea. I've had a really good idea. Great. Okay. I think it's probably a TV format.

Here we go. Is it moving a house on the back of a flatbed truck just to challenge, like, challenge Anika style? Now, if that is listening, challenge Anika, Anika Rice was no good Anika Rice because honestly, you know, prime. I would absolutely, I think there is, there's something to be said for relocation,

relocation, relocation. I think that's, relocation. That could be a good show. Part of it's a race. It's like grand designs, but it's also a race. It's grand designs, it's the grand tour. You've got three. You've got Hamster, he's got an igloo. He's got a transport an igloo, right? Something like that.

You do it three little pig style. You've got bricks, you's got a new glue, he's got a transport and a new glue, right? Something like that, you know what you do, you do it three little pig style, you've got bricks, you've got sticks, you've got straw, that's how you do it, that's, that will be a very special Panto episode, wouldn't it? Oh, he comes the big bad stick to blow it down. Exactly. Yeah, sorry, what was your TV format?

It's called pranksters paradise. And it's like the Big Brother house, but with legendary pranksters from different generations. And every day, they get a different apprentice style task to go at and prank. And then the best prank's kind of win. You know, you kind of have a... There's an element of taskmaster to it as well.

There's taskmaster, there's apprentice, there's big brother, they're all living in the same house, and they can score points or buy themselves more prank time if they prank each other in the house where the secret cameras are rolling. I love it. So, I like, I think you like me. You need an album.

You need an album. You want a sugar style, you want beetle basically, you like me. You need an album. You need an album. You want sugar style. You want beetle basically. You want like a hologram of beetle. A year. A zotrope. Could we have a zotrope beetle?

A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle.

A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. A zotrope beetle. that's how he waves. That's so fair, that's how he waves. But like, we have like, you know what he needs like a grand prankster. Well, I think that's where you get pink.

You get pink. The other person, although I don't think he sees himself as a prankster anymore, sort of reinvented himself, would be Edmonds. Because Edmonds, for me, the gotcha Oscar was the absolute highlight of one of the great shows on television. Now again, you know,

try and tell a kid today about Null's house party. They maybe might remember a guy with a beard who showed up on I'm a celebrity for a bit and then pissed off. They might remember Deel or No Deal, the not the reboot with Stephen Mulherne, but you know, this, it's, I don't think Edmunds is, is, is, you know, but this is what we think. We can kind of coach this episode, instead of like an end of year review. This is just like an end of 50 year review. We're gonna say it like that then, I think we can get away with all this chat. Anyway, you're absolutely right, Edmunds is a great show. You've got Edmunds as like this kind of task master figure who comes in.

But yeah, he's played play the sugar part well. I'm thinking about the beards. And so then they get their prank assignment. Sometimes I have to prank him pairs and they also get bonus points and more prank time if they prank each other when they go home to the prank house. Yeah, really good. Yeah, I really, really good.

I really, really good. I really, really good. I really, really good. I really, really good. I really, really good. I really, really good. I really, really good. I really, really good. Yeah, I really, really get it. Yeah, different generations of pranking, you get them talking about they're sitting around having a beer, talking about their great pranks from the past. Yeah, I mean, my, my problem is I don't know many of the sort of current YouTube pranksters, but I'm sure that, that bits, that bits easy to find, right? But yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, research team would find those. Who are your top prankers that you would get? Who are your legacy prankers? Who would it be? We talked about PENK. Who else would you see as the sort of jolly's going to be in there? Dom jolly's going to be in there. Lee Nelson's going to be in there? Lee Nelson, of course, Simon Broadkin. Very much the sort of the modern prank stance, yeah, definitely. Let's not forget Olivia Lee. Olivia Lee. Of course. Let's forget. Like, you know, Crascal.

Aaron Crascal. I mean, Aaron Crascal, I think, yeah. It's a who's who of prank, pranksterville. And different styles from different places. Pranksters, paradise. I think, yeah, he's... It's a who's who of Prank's Deville. And different styles from different places. Prank's Disparadise, I think there's something in that. Do you think we get Tom Green over from... Over from Canada? Do you think he'll come over and... LAUGHTER Come over and hump a dead moose or something like that, you know?

I'll have a goat's head. He'd be... They'd want him in for box office. He's the Nigel Farage of the bill What's he gonna do? Has he lost his edges? Does he still want to put his dick in a gold fish? You're like what will he do in that house? Absolutely right. Yeah, I love him. He can't have fed well, can he? What do you mean by that? I saw him actually I saw him recently, he was on a show called, I think it's called LOL and it's like a reality, it is a reality show, very good, I may martin's it was in

it as well and the idea is you're all in, and they do it in different countries, I don't know if it's done a British one but they've done this as a Canadian one they've done, it's a load of comedians in a house together, and the idea is the first person to laugh gets eliminated. It's the last one laughing is what it's called. That's what it's called, last one laughing. And the face off the end, you've got two giants, two Titans, you've got Tom Green, right?

He's made it all the way to the end. He's beaten up stiff competition from people like Caroline Ray and May Martin, and he's up against Colin Mockery. Yes, please. Oh, wow. It was, I really enjoyed that show. It's on Amazon Prime. It's on your, your, your buddy's over at Amazon Prime.

Did Mockery take green to the cleaners? Because if anyone likes small corpse, it's mockery. I'm not gonna give spoilers. I already told you. It's just, it's like, it's like, mockery. I'm not gonna give spoilers. I already told you. It's just, it's like... It's like... mockery on my house. It's like, it's like, it's like,

mockery on my house. It's like, it's like, it's like, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house.

Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house.

Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my house. Yeah, mockery on my or how I've made it into their house. And I think that is a problem. More for me than it is for them. This is what you're trying to do. You're trying to do your own styles. He's absolutely something. We'd say to each other at two o'clock in the morning at a house part. It would've stayed up for too long. Yeah. Absolutely right.

Listen, don't go into that corner. The Papis boys have taken a deep dive on whose line. And that's also a sentence they would say to each other two hours ago. So. Go on. See, Changdophar, God, chat about Greg Proof, having a lovely time in it.

Absolutely, Proofed to the Nine. And if, listen, I'm sorry, okay, but that is what I consider to be a traditional Christmas, alright? And I know, you know, like, I know this happy holiday is brigade once to ban that kind of Christmas, but I think, actually chopping up some hotlines in the out. Snorting them up and talking about how good Mike McShayne and Josie Lawrence were together. That is what I consider to be. You know, it might be a black Monday but leaks are right Saturday night. Time to badly though because Wednesday will be the national bleak out so it's 12 days. 12 days. Um, a slaughtery, of course, would raise a glass slaughtery.

Slattery, a ledger. The crime prints of who's lottery. Slattery, so good, right? And we can't go down. We can't. We can't go down this route. This, by the way, is what happens in our in our meeting in our TV meeting we go to pitch pranks to spare a dice. It is that we end up sitting with a TV

producer who's a similar age to us and just going oh slattery was good. I tell you what no one can hold down like right and styles. Oh man amazing amazing. I wore slattery's wig once didn't I? You did wear Slattery's wig, yeah, yeah. We're recording a thing looked inside the wig. Slattery. Slattery from just a jiggle, oh. What a surprise. I'm standing on the shoulders of giants. Wow.

I think we've finally done it. I think we've finally done it. I think we've finally recorded an episode that is just for the three of us to listen to. Yes, that's fair. I'm not listening to this. Emma's put a very pertinent message in the chat. She said, is this supposed to be your Christmas special? And yes, the answer is yes, it is Emma.

We haven't quite got around to the topic of Christmas yet. It's okay. This is like Christmas present to ourselves. Oh my word. Have a surprise food. What the worst thing you've considered eating? Have a meeting! I have a surprise for you.

Get it. Poor things is unlike anything you've seen. A woman plotting her course to freedom. And not all. It's hysterically funny. Oh. An incredible cinematic experience you won't soon forget. There is a world to enjoy.

Traverse, so can navigate. It's the best film of the year. We're more. One's enough and it malls too much. Poor things. Now playing in select feeders. Clockier, do you advent calendar? Tom, that was a fantastic handbrake turn.

You did it perfectly. You did it perfectly. Fine, that was a fantastic handbrake turn and you did it perfectly. You know what? I do. You know what? This is the team working together here. Emma, the producer, gives the notes. Tom, the competent host goes, right, how do we do this? How do we make sure that we've got, we've been recording for about 25 minutes. The episode's only going to last about 35. Let's turn it around so So we're talking about fake comers now. Cosby is the incompetent host. Read that the note on there.

Absolutely. Yeah. Clarkie, not aware there was a note. She doubt. Clarkie bleaking out against the wall. Clarkie does, does, having an advent time to get in the way of staring at the wall, staring at the playboy.

So that's the blue cape. You're just sticking off your life day by day. I'd say, right, the advent calendars we messed up a bit this year where we were given two chocolate ones and we decided we both light the idea of both of them so we were like, tell you what we'll do, I'll do odd day on one and even day on the other. And we're all sitting at. Sorry what what what what what what what this by the way is this is two people with no kids you've got so much time on their hands they've gone insane. This is what we've been doing.

This is an embarrassment of... You've got like paradise disease, or paradise syndrome, like fucking Dave Stewart went down with. You've got a life that is just so fun of abundance. You're like, oh, how are we going to eat our two chocolate advent-candes? Let's make a roto for it. And every Wednesday I use my right hand. I thought every Wednesday you use your left hand so it feels like someone else is eating the other

to carry the other. But yeah, yeah. So it's like, you can talk, talk, talk to your system. You've got two advent calendars. So you've got 48 chocolates in the house. And how different are the chocolates, first question? Are we talking, is one like a truffle least? What, what, how different are the chocolates first question? Are we talking is one like a truffle these what what how different are they? One's cabbries, one's bowl teaser. Lovely. And basically the maltese one isn't very good. Is it all maltese

at all month? The thing is it's not even there's no there's no crunch in any of the chocolate. So just as maltese, but it's just lower quality chocolate. So there's no malt. No. They're literally malteseing you, aren't you? Yeah. Lots of teas, no malt. They're promising malt and not delivering. Unbelieve.

Side idea, if your malteseers put out malt wine flavored malteseers in December, malteseers carry on. Malteseers. Maltesers in December Mald teasers carry on. Maldwine flavoured Mald teasers carry on. That's sidebar. Well that's it. Well basically that's the whole thing. No, we don't understand your system.

So you're saying, wait you're doing odd days, you're doing one count. One day, day one. Yeah. I have Cadbury's making as Malteser. Day two, I have Malteser. I have Cadbury's Mechanism, Altaesa day two. I have multi there. She has Cadbury's day three. We're back again. You're alternating. Oh I see I see I see the alternating And how's it gone to pieces? Did you get trigger happy on the Cadbury? pieces. Did you get trigger happy on the Cadbury? Ah, if only, but basically what what's happened is, at all the time. I, I'm quite last safe here with it, but

Megan's very like, come on. Yeah, eat your chocolate. I'll have it later. I'll have it tomorrow. It's fine. Is Megan Pre-Break? She's pre the day a lot of the times. What, she's setting an alarm atm. to wake up and eat a chocolate? Is this where the system's gone wrong? She's gone on the stroke of midnight. You've woken up. It's the wrong day. I think I've missed out on quite a lot of chocolate.

It's basically what I'm saying. Those days you're coming up and you're staring at the wall, don't they? It's the old lady. It's the old lady. I thought it was the fit. Yeah, Ben, you've not moved. Well, the day's merging to one, but that's only because we left the Caledos in a sunny spot in the house.

Oh, nothing worse. I was, this year I thought, well, it's a tricky one, the chocolate advent counter with little kids. Because you don't want to be given them a chocolate every single morning. You also don't want to say, okay, one of you gets a chocolate, one of you doesn't get a chocolate every single morning. So it becomes that thing of going, well, how do we solve that? My parents got chocolate on the odd day. One on the eve and they're like. You want to answer the very simple.

You, you, you, uh, four year old child who wakes up every morning and doesn't know what day it is and what you're about to do that day. You understand the concept that these even days and odd days, right? Um, but, but yeah, so I, um, my, my parents got around that by the no chocolate advent calendar. So we had the, uh, picture, religious scene each day. Oh, it's cool. Didn't even really sort of think about it until like, well, like late into primary school when other people talked about these chocolate avancas. Yeah, yeah.

Were you picture calendar, Clarky? Yeah. You have the same, we had the same calendars every year that they were, we would bring back out where they kind of worn down doors and the shell of those again. Yeah. But with a weird twist, they, a page three girls weren't maybe behind each door. No, very mildly. This was the 80s. That was that was Clarkie's dad's calendar. It's a special seat. It's a great prank. Special seat, quick calendar at the

stack to the back of a wardrobe. Did you say prank? Yeah. So what kind of pictures did you guys, did you have ones to look forward to? Because it feels like that's pretty bleak. Yeah. Same calendar coming out each year and it's like, you're not going great on the eighth, it's going to be the three kings and that's a pretty dynamic photo. No, I think I was. I think I was like, oh good, I like camels.

I genuinely was. It was like, oh yeah, great. Looking forward to the sixth. I was a big smoker. But I, yeah, no. So then I thought, like, in a similar thing for my kids, I thought, what I'll do is I was in, I was in St. Martin's at the crypt, you know,

in which I do a lot of my Christmas shopping, you know? The crypt of St. Martin's, I go, what is, what are my kids really? Are you looting the crypt again? That's right. The cryptos at Mars is like, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is very into Barbie. I said, no, no, no, no. I said to the Barbie in his day, Thomas Abecki. You try to turn the kids today about Thomas Abecki. They won't know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about. The original prankster.

The original prankster in the old, was that my finger? Oh. LAUGHTER I got it. For the listener at home, I just attempted the trick and nailed it. It was really good.

I've done it what it was, but it was great. Yeah, whatever the trick we was, he was attempting, he apparently nailed it. By the way, the Zodrach will be available from our merch stores. We'll put them in the post. Yeah. So, I decided, I saw a big Julia Donaldson advent calendar. Julia Donaldson is the author of the graph below. So, well, we'll get to Donaldson.

We can talk about Donaldson who abscesses, has got Christmas sewn up, right? She's got the world sewn up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's not a, you can't buy a book anymore that Donaldson hasn't been involved in. I know, I know. Sometimes you pick up a book and you go,

well, it's not been drawn by Axel Sheffler, so it must not be a Julia Donelson book. No. It's been drawn by Lydia Monk, but it's still been written by Julia Donelson. She absolutely, she is children's literature for the kind of under-7s. She does everything. And it's something like every four seconds a Donaldson book gets sold or something. It's mad, it's absolutely mad.

Well anyway, I tell you what, back at the regroupters of Martins, I bought a giant, so it's right, so we're talking about like, possibly an A2A1 sized book that opens up, like double, a sort of gate, that opens up, and inside was 24 little books and I was like great That's great every morning we wake up we take out the book we read a little Graffalo story or we read a little tabby MacTat story or whatever and that'll

be it I thought great this is brilliant anyway then I I open up the I got down brown one of those by the way Is it an odd day is it an even day? Very different code But then each thing is like I thought it would be like we'll read the story together But each is like, okay, here's how you can make a gruffalo hat. So get a pen and paper and you draw. Oh, right. This thing here and they cut this out.

And then stick it here and you're like, we're not doing that preschool. There's no way we're doing that before the school run. So basically, we did a few, like, what tends to happen is, whatever the thing is, they become little coloring books. So just say, go and just scribble on that for a bit. And just scribble on it. Yeah, scribble on the, they become little coloring books. So just say go and just scribble on that for a bit.

And just scribble on it. Yeah, scribble on it for the graph of life. And then, yeah, I did the same, but we're done brown ones three years. There's a lot of that right in this time of year where it's like, here's a book that's a poem a day and you kind of think, that's a great idea of what a nice gift every morning I wake up and read a poem. Or it's like, you know, here's a, you know know better yourself over the year and then it's just like by you know day three you're just like you know what fuck this poem all to hell yeah yeah I'm gonna batten myself instead it's black it's black Monday go fuck your poem mate yeah that was

very much a big thing in this sort of like it felt like a big thing in the 2000s was like everybody was getting given a big thing in the sort of like, it felt like a big thing in the 2000s, was like everybody was getting a diary that was like a stage, you were fun creative thing. And you're like, this diary will change your life. That was exactly what it was called, yeah, the story will change your life. And I feel like nobody ever finished one. Nobody ever got to,

got sort of the 30th, 30th of December of that year and went, oh great now I can start my brand new this diorama change your life because I've done all my little things of writing a limerick or drawing a sketch or smiling at a stranger or something that you probably shouldn't be doing. But it's sold, it did good numbers didn't it? So is there an inspiration? Is there inspiration out here? Right? What do is we do a this podcast or change your year. It's called or this podcast or change your life and everyone has to buy in on it. You have to subscribe for the year and it's like every morning there'll be a five minute podcast that will change your day and then people go oh great. So they lump on. Everyone

buys in. We get like big numbers. Yeah. Great. We know. I love that. I'm the game plan. It's a good idea for it. It's a good idea for a podcast. A podcast that gets big numbers. Yeah. That's it. Right. So all of us have to invest. We've not tried it before, but it's, you know, 2024, that's our plan. Start our podcast and get as big numbers. But then we know, because we remember what that diary was like, and those things are like, by the 7th of Jan, no one's... Everyone's gonna have given up anyway. But we grew to be able to start...

They're subscribing for the year, but no one's listening. So we just... No one's really listening, so we're just fucking tossing out any old nonsense in March. Yeah, it's not like us. We've already got we've already banked the coin from the kind of new year I'm gonna change my life drive. It's what Jim's do isn't it? Yeah, Jim's the Saudi subscriptions in Jan. Yeah. So we say look this is a this is the part this podcast will change your life every day, five minutes in the morning. It's going to give you something that will change your life.

It's a little bit of, it's brain gym. It's basically brain gym pod, it's a daily brain gym pod. We're going to have a fashion expert on this morning, you're going to tell you one thing, it's going to change the way you dress for all of Jan. We're going to have a coffee guy who's going to tell you where coffee goes from. Wait, are you gonna... You need to do a five minute podcast that is basically this morning without a ham and a dumber, Alire. It's gonna do the numbers, man.

It's gonna do the numbers. Dr. Hillary Jones to talk to you at the menopause. But for the... All we need is big names for the first seven days. If we can get to Jan 7th with people going like Greg Davis is going to tell you how to wear a boot or something and then you get like we know everyone's dropping off. All of these ideas are at best a mid-march. Greg Davis tells you how to wear a boot.

No, you have the name here, you know. They're going to do one or we're going to learn with them. It's going to be great, little thing, five minutes, set yourself up off you go or challenge a day or pink's going to be on to teach you how to prank. Prank with pink. They're like mini master classes. We've got Danny Bacon to tell you when anecdotes. And then off you go, you know, you bank those numbers, you bank them in December. There's something in it, isn't there?

There is something in that. Yes, I've did all right. Yes, I'm. But yeah, that's the drive. So did you get yourself one of those advent calendars as well, cross me, are you guys chocketing? No, we haven't got any advent calendar for ourselves. We, although this is the, yesterday we got a gift

of a lovely box of chocolates from our neighbors. And I just, I've got, my self control is appalling. Right, I'm just so bad, right? So we, we had, we, we, we, we, we walked, we were out delivering a Christmas card to the first house, we went to our neighbours and he said, we've got, I've got a present for you, it's a box of chocolates. So we're out, I'm about, we've got this box of chocolates under the buggy, right? And so Cleo's asking for the chocolates.

We give her a chocolate, we give Silvia chocolate, we have a chocolate each. Then Silvia's well, it's like it's like an adult's grown-up chocolate, so she's like sort of gumming it a bit at one point it rolls on the floor. I pick it up and I sort of go, I should have pretty chocolate away but she clearly still wants it. So I sort of lick it all and I go, I should probably chuck it away, but she clearly still wants it.

So I sort of lick it all over to kind of get the dirt off and go, well, my saliva is probably better than whatever dog put its roll through. You know what I mean? We've got that rough cat's tongue as well. Exactly. The sandpaper tongue that's got me so far in my career. I'm sort of doing this.

But anyway, as I'm licking it all over, I go, oh well, I think, I think Sylvie might have got the best chocolate. So I'm just watching it in her little wet pour. And she's not really eating it every now and then, she just rubs it on her mouth a bit. And so eventually I go, hey, do you want some like yeah exactly by the time? So eventually I say hey do you want some like little mini flapjacks instead and she eats those and I just take the chocolate I am it and then I sit down I sit down last night to watch your Christmas of mine too

Which by the way I absolutely adored I thought was absolutely fantastic And I really really really enjoyed it and but then I think then I think, oh, I'll just have a few chocolates while I'm doing it. I'll just have maybe just one or two. And then I have about six or seven and half a bottle of red wine. And again, Charlie goes to bed and I'm there going, oh God, I feel like I should be discussing

who's lies it anyway in the corner. Like, you know, I feel like I should be discussing who's lies it anyway in the corner. Like, you know, I'm just utterly wired. You know, and it's like sort of 10, 10, 30, and I didn't get to bed till gone midnight. I was just lying there with my eyes open, you know, grinding my teeth, going, why could I not just have a little tiny bit of self-restraint? And not eat a bunch of, you know, like, also as well, I was, I was, I was, the rationale in your head is, because half the chocolates were lookures

and the other half weren't. So it's like, well, what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna eat all the dark chocolate ones, all the lookure ones, so then when the kids go to the chocolate box, any of those were good at. Oh, you've been in good ads, you're doing good at it.

That's exactly, yeah, exactly. I'm doing all of that, so I'm yam in the dark chocolate full of caffeine, I'm yam in the boozy ones, they're, you know, waking me up, it's all of that full of sugar as well. Oh, it was an absolute nightmare. So I can't be trusted with an avid calendar because there would be no odd days or even days.

There'd be one very gross morning. And that would be it. It is weird. Christmasy, if you take a step back, Christmasy is weird. I know, a major. We have a whole year of going, like, this is bad. Like, not bad, not bad, like,

you gotta watch what you eat and, you know, don't, you know, this is chocolate, this isn't good for you and this and that. And then we got what's becoming four and a half weeks pretty much of like, you know what, just fucking go for your fucking, what the fuck you do messing around? Yeah. Just fucking go nuts here and go mad and not think about it.

And then it's like, it's crazy. At least the people of Wolverhampton have the restraint to do one day's worth of purchase. One night, get it done. Get it out the way. Lupi Friday. They have a Lupi Friday., basically, what you have, especially, I think it especially becomes when you've got kids from Halloween through to, I imagine now, New Years Day is going to be an absolute. Like eating at the table, it's going to get the window. Our house has come, it's become feral. Yeah, it's like every time you can eat it. Try and eat more fruit. No, that's like every time you can eat a lot of. Try and eat more fruit.

No, that's fucking gone. Just cram some more chocolate in your fucking god before breakfast. It's like, it's just everything goes crazy. And I'm so fearful of Jan, of trying to get things back on track. Wait, did you say Jan or Jan? Oh, Jan. You know, my soap you're for Jan, man. That gets worse at Christmas.

It's too much fun, isn't it? It's just too much fun to be a jam at this time of year. That's what's in our advent calendar. Just smear some jam, have a look at that. Honey, smooth peanut butter today, it's just a variety of spreads. That would, would that be a good effort, calendar? So you open it up and it's one of the little tetrabacks you get from a hotel. I'm into that.

That's all I should do. A toast, a toast top-of-the-art friend calendar. Yeah, yeah. I would go for that. A loaf of bread. So, so you give a loaf of bread. So imagine we're looking at about 24 slices in a loaf of bread. Yeah, but you they're not gonna last.

You know that last. Last. I would say, I'd say you can have to pop, you have to pop the bread in the freezer at the very least. Yeah, yeah, okay. I would say let them deal with the bread themselves. We're just melt, melt, melt, but toast. Something like that.

Rice cakes. Not as much fun, melt, but toast. Let's go, let's let them. You're absolutely right. No one wants a melt, but toast, I think. I can Let's go, let's let them. You're absolutely right. No one wants a Melba toast, Adam. I've got it right, Vita. Yeah, Household finds your own bread, right? But the advent calendar, crucially, each day,

has got a little Nutella or a... Marmite. Yeah. I was going to say can we list 24, but there's no way we can end our Christmas episode. That's what it is. LAUGHTER But crucially, guys, if you want to get in touch, what's going in your spread's advent calendar? That biscotti spread.

That's going to be all that. Oh, that's lovely. That's going to get to what? 20th. 20th. I don't know. 24th is going to be Christmasy, isn't it? Brandy's brandy sauce.

Is there a Christmas spread? Just brandy. Brandy sauce. The Christmas eye that I've just come alone to brandy sauce is there a Christmas spread just brandy The Christmas eye that I've just come alone a brandy on my toes. I have no self control me I sit down to watch a lovely move. I dip a loaf of bread in a bottle of brand You're keeping whose line is it anyway? And I'm sobbing. LAUGHTER Anyway. I'm trying to contact Chris Branch through different members of it.

I'm trying to find his number through the internet. Richard, Richard Ranzo. You're thinking of Chris Branch? Yeah, Chris Branch, the composer you worked with. Oh, he's that's right. Also good on the piano. Fantastic on the piano. Wrote the dog squad theme tune, love his work.

Merry Christmas everyone. LAUGHTER Dog squad also written by Rose Johnson and Camille Hushan. Friends at the show, Merry Christmas everyone. He Christmas. Happy birthday. And can I tell you now, the voice of Diesel, and Alex Brooker, who is gonna be appearing

on FlatSlam in 2024. That's an exclusive, Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas everybody. And from all of us at Dog Squad, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry, Merry, Merry. How's BD? How do they make bread with no wheat in?

So there you go, Merry Christmas everybody! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good podcast. Yeah, the reviews are in. Three wise men, four stars. If you want to give us five, give us five, sure. I've got one of you damned us with the fourth star of you. In part, I'm just in terms, a fourth star is a one star. If you want to leave us a review,

wherever you listen to podcasts, you can. So listen and subscribe and review. It all helps new people find this podcast. And for 2024, that's what we're after. A few new ear canals for us to slide down like the Lord JC himself. Absolutely, and do remember to get your tickets to come to those live shows.

We'll be doing live shows in Jan and Feb and March come along to all of those. It's gonna be an absolute blast. Yes, 29th and a 30th of January, Sue's Campner and Joe Wilkinson, the 29th, Cara Lloyd and Kima Bob on the 30th. Tickets are available at pappy'scomedy.com forward slash live. So get on board, come along.

It's always so much fun to have a lovely full room and have a real luck. So come on down in the new year. And guys, have a very Merry Christmas. Have a very Merry Christmas one and all. And Merry Christmas of course to to Emma Corsham who produces all of these episodes. Thank you Emma. Corsham to you. Oh I didn't mean to do it like that but yeah I did. I did. Sorry yeah. There we go. There we go it works. It works. Sorry, yeah, there we go. There we go. It works. It works. Cheers everyone! Bye!

I have a surprise for you. Get it. Poor things is unlike anything you've seen. A woman plotting her course to read. And not. Oh, it's hysterically funny. Oh. Not oh, it's hysterically funny. Oh.

An incredible cinematic experience you won't soon forget. There is a world to enjoy. Traverse, so could navigate. It's the best film of the year. We're more! Lens and off animals too much. Poor things. Now playing in select theaters. Now playing in select theaters.