Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Bol MOT) S14E24

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

Tom, Ben and Matthew slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. Just to preface, it's going to be shit... but want some choke spaghetti?Come and see Flatshare Slamdown liveLatitude Festival - https://www.latitudefestival.com/Cheerful Earful - 20th October - https://cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com/festival/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-live-show-20th-oct-ticketsPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is an ad by BetterHelp. How often do you compare yourself to others? It's easy to envy friends' lives on social media, but comparison is the thief of joy, and in reality, nobody has it altogether. Online therapy can help you focus on what you want, not what others have, because your best life is better than the idea of someone else's.

Stop comparing and start living with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more and save 10% off your first month. That's betterHELP.com. Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. Hi, Ben. I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Papi's Flat Share House Meeting. House Meeting! The three of us, Tom, Matthew and Ben, sit around and talk about all different kinds of things.

Tom will be saying things, Ben will be saying things, Matthew will also be saying things and listening and responding to each other will be Ben and Matthew and Tom. It's a real treat. Wow, when you say it like that, it sounds very exciting. Yeah, it's a strong format. Now, you know, now you lay it out, the bare bones of it. It's a format we've spent a long time on. I would say one thing, the listening to

and responding to each other bit, we haven't quite nailed that. No, no, no, no, no. It's still in its infancy, but we'll get there. We'll get there. And the talking, you know, that's hit and miss. The talk, no, I would say, listen,, you know, it's that's it and miss the talk. No, I would say listen for you maybe, but I've never stopped talking.

As soon as we start recording, I've never had a problem with starting to talk. That's for me, the hit for you, miss for me. Yeah, very much so. Very much so. ABT, always be talking, always be talking. Always be chatting away guys. Anyway, so yes, if you enjoyed this podcast, then please get over to the

Patreon because the Patreon is the way. Yes. Oh my God. And the Patreon is the way that we manage to keep doing this podcast, putting it out for free on the main feed. And yeah, we'd love you to join us over there. We do a bonus episode every single week of a show called Flat Share Pop Round, which is a lovely freewheeling conversation and we read and respond to your emails during that show and we have a great time. There's a wonderful community there. A camaraderie.

A great camaraderie, yes. Lots of great personalities. Yes, I would say the three of us not so much but the listeners certainly pick up the slack. We also have bonus beefs with all of the guests that you'll know from Beef Brothers. So get over to Patreon. The bonus beef. Get over to Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flat Share today. Yes.

To sign up. And you know what? If you sign up today, you can get seven days absolutely free so you can have a listen you can hear what it's all about if you like it you can stick around if not you can cancel and no money will be charged but it's we love it we love the community over there and we love you to be a part of it so patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share join today! But first of all enjoy this House Meeting and this week we are joined by Tom, Ben and Matthew. Enjoy! I've had a thought.

I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want to chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the flat. House Meeting! What temperature should we chew the fat. House meeting. What temperature should we set the heater? House meeting. Why on earth am I always waiting? House meeting. Who wet my bed while I was sleeping? Let's have a house meeting. What's the point? Does life have a

meeting? House meeting. Okay, now this is very exciting because earlier on today, earlier on today, I'm excited about this. Earlier on today, no, no, no. What? You're not allowing me the chance to say that you said we were recording a Patreon-only podcast and you said, actually, I've got something I'm going to save for our next house meeting. You said, actually, I've got something I'm going to save for house for our next house meeting. And here we are, just a few short hours later, recording that house meeting. But this is I want to get into it. Let's get into it.

Let's talk about it. Perry, what's your gun? Bye. What's your gun? This is what happens is you give something a build up that it can't possibly fulfill and then most of us, most of the episode then is unpacking how it wasn't worth even mentioning and it was, would have been worth mentioning if you hadn't given it some kind of five minute build up. That's what's going on here and I need to nip it in the bud.

It's a bit like saying I've got a great joke. It's always death to it, isn't it? If someone says to you, oh, I had a great joke and then they start telling you the joke you the pressure on The joke on you as an audience on the teller. Oh Boy, yeah, it's a nightmare. Isn't it? You've got to preface everything with now. This is shit And then do it and then and then if it isn't it's like great. No this is an absolute piece of shit. Yeah. What I'm about to say.

Yeah every single thing that you say during your days you preface with that just to be safe. Do you want to get like a kind of I'm with stupid t-shirt that's just got that message. Anything that comes out of this cake hole is going to be utter shit. Do you want to hear an opinion I have that is absolutely garbage? It's an awful, it's total rubbish. I don't even know what I'm saying. I agree with my own opinion here.

Yeah, go on. What's your... That, by the way, I would love... I would be very into that. If someone was saying, do you want to hear an opinion that I've got absolutely no confidence in? It's true, actually. That almost gives it the same amount of pressure. Similarly when someone goes, you'll love this and then watches it with you sat next to you.

Oh, oh, oh, excruciating. This is so funny. I find this so funny. Let's put it on and let's watch it together. And they do, especially if it's just a short little video and they do the little waggle of the mouse pad to check how much longer the video's got to go. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh, that's, that is, that is.

27 minutes. Yeah, I tell you, that's one of the worst heckles you can ever have is if you're standing, you're standing next to somebody showing them something and they just check just very quickly. 45 more seconds. Well, I'm tapping out. I can't handle that. I simply don't have it with three seconds here. The lits felt like an age. It's just not grabbed me in any way. I was in a room what my sister and I this was a long time ago. I'm just trying to think

was it when we were in our early 20s, it might even be when we were even younger than that. And weirdly we got booked to kind of work at a party where we had to go around and collect people's glasses. But it wasn't like, it was a house, it was someone's house. What? Oh right. And even weirder. I've done that before actually. Yeah, so it was like, we'd kind of dress semi-professional. We'd put shirts on. That's how I classed dressing semi-professional.

Please tell me you also put trousers on as well. No, no, semi-professional. We'd half dress. Semi was the word. It was that kind of party. It was an ice-wide shirt. It certainly was when I walked into the room. That's not what we meant by bottomless brunch Tom, please. Jesus Christ.

Top up. It is endless. So, weird situation. It wasn't even a big house, it was just a detached house. It wasn't like, we're not talking about a stately manor. Was this Friends of Your your parents what was this? Or even weirder it was it was someone who worked for my like my dad was it was someone who worked at my dad's school. Right. So they'd said I think they'd obviously said look does anyone want to do you know any what

teenagers they want to earn 20 quid on Saturday? And you said no but I know a couple in their early 20s who just have never quite gotten off the ground. I'm trying to work out. By early 20s you were 29 weren't you? Be honest Tom. You were 29. 34. Actually now I remember it. This story happened yesterday. This was last weekend. Okay. I don't even think we're ready to... I think this was probably pre-university. Okay. I mean look again there's already been too much build up for this now. Oh no! We've set a terrible precedent now haven't we? Like everything now. I hate it actually. It's not worth your time. I'm so sorry.

I mean literally all I was gonna say was I went into the room, me and my sister went into the room to collect glasses and the host said, Oh, Tom here does drama as well, don't you, Tom? And I kind of started talking about the drama I was doing at the time, it was probably me and Ben trying to get a theatre company off the ground or something. And by the time I finished talking, me and my sister were the only people in the room. And Beth said, Tom, you're just talking to me now, you can stop. Everyone had just drifted away from this guy, who was obviously the hired help, telling them about his youth theatre projects. It was so brutal. Even the person, the host who'd asked me the question had walked off.

I can't have been talking for that long. I believe it was the immortal bard who said, hang on, what's going on? Anyway, so it's Act Two. I enter, stage left. Oh boy, oh boy, always bad. That's rough, someone leaving, isn't it? The beauty, I tell you why podcasting is such a popular medium, you can't hear your listeners

leave. That's why everyone loves it so much. It's like, do you know what I'm really into at the moment? Being a podcaster. Hate to see you go, fortunately can't see you leave. It's really bad though, isn't it? The other thing is when there's like a circle of people talking and somebody's doing that, you know, somebody's doing the main bit of chatting

and you can feel the circle dropping off and you then put there's then pressure on you to be the only person still listening. That's it. I've never I've never left. Increase your listening. You've never left. Yeah, that's why you're still with us. That's why you're still with us. Yeah. there's a reason we're still a three-man group Joe's really gonna listen in Clark okay should we start podcast with him so we Oh, I've got to learn how, eh?

Oh God, no. I do think that's why people think, that's why the feeling is anyone can do a podcast because you don't know whether you're any good or not. You don't see any reaction. You don't hear the listeners go, oh my God, I'm stopping listening to this after 20 minutes. That's the beauty of it. It's why I love it so much. Yeah, you assume a captive audience.

Always. You've got to assume a captive audience. So with that in mind, all I was gonna do to kick things off, I mean, it's not a story, it was just a thought really. My car's in Fritz M.A.T. Oh yeah. And I think my car's really good. I think a lot, I think everyone, you know, everyone kind of thinks, yeah, my car's fine.

They think your car's fine. Everyone loves Tom's car. Most people are driving their car around because they think it works, it's fine, it gets from A to B, it's fine, it's safe, I'm sure. And then you put it in every year and actually find out. Yeah, see, I, well, I've had the opposite with my car recently where I'm like, then you put it in every year and actually find out Yeah, see I well I've had the opposite with my car recently when I'm like, this isn't fine This is really you take it to the MOT and you go this cars a piece of shit. It's not worth your time

I wouldn't even bother looking at it Breaking out his old catchphrases So when the cars currently in for the MOT so you don't know whether or not it's gonna be coming out with flying colors. But every year we do this and I just think and I mean I'm probably mootie this idea before but it feels like there should be more MOTs for other things apart from the car. Like I think I make a good Bolognese, but maybe that's because six years ago I made a good Bolognese and maybe it's not that good anymore.

But if once a year I had a Bolognese MOT and someone comes in and goes, that's still a good Bolognese, then you'd be like, great, my Bolognese game is still on point. And then I've got my Bolognese certificate for another 12 months. I just think there are lots of things that people think they're good at that they're no longer good at They're coasting on it. Whereas if they had a test every year There's loads of stuff that we could do that with that. I think people would get their shit together When do you have to cuz it you have to retake your driving test at some stage, don't you? Again only once in your life that feels mad. Really? At

what point do you have to retake your driving test? It's really old if you have to it's not it's not like it's 80 or something. Yeah something like that. Yeah wow. So whereas it feels like you should be doing that every couple of years. Here's the thing though about the I I'm gonna say the, I love the theory first of all, but the slight flaw in it is a car's a car, right? It's a sort of fixed thing, right? Okay. Whereas the Bolognese is different.

Clark isn't quite fixed. No, no, exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not, it's hanging on. Fixed is too strong. Yeah, it's held together with gaffer tape. But the Bolognese is different every time. So I worry that people, you know how people are good in exams, right?

People are just good under pressure. There were those people at school who were just good in exams. They could just handle it. They could just hack it. What if you crack under pressure? What you actually need is a secret shopper. Okay. Now I'm interested.

You miss, did you just talk into something? It wasn't the microphone. What have you got there? You got two microphones. You're double miking this podcast. I thought I'd imagine that then. That's what I was aiming for. Trying to get in your head. Parry's double miking this podcast. Are you going to be twice as loud? You broadcasting this live to the street? I'm a secret shopper guys. Sorry, I'm just reporting back to head office. Oh no.

I'm just checking in to check your podcast is on point. How's our podcast game? Strong still? Tell you what guys, I've been listening this whole time. We're in trouble. But do you know where I'm getting at though? You know where I'm coming from with that idea that you might just have a bad Bolognese day and that's it. You're no longer allowed to make a Bolognese for another year until you reapply for your MOT. Well I think you come back next week, try again.

I guess that's true that you can, you know, if you fail the MOT? Well I think you come back next week, try again. I guess that's true that you can, you know, if you fail the MOT they can... Or you just can't say anymore that you're good at bowling, you can't think your bolognese is good. Like I still think... What? This is getting very dangerous now. I still think I'm good at table tennis, right, if someone would say, oh how are you at table tennis? In my head, I'm like, I'm good at table tennis. Actually, I've got that in my locker. Now, I am not good at table tennis. I was good at table tennis when I was 14,

but that has locked in my brain the belief that I'm good at table tennis. I was all right at table tennis at about 22 when it was still kind of there from when I was 14. But now I'm, I am not good at table tennis, but boy, oh boy, it's on my list. It's on my CV, like my mental CV. Do you know what I mean? We've all got mental CVs. Your mental record of achievement. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Like Bolognese is probably on, I reckon Bolognese is on Clarkie's

mental CV. Let's go in my head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, I'm good at Bolognese, mate. And it's like, but are you though? Were you good at Bolognese eight years ago? And I think, I think it's quite, you know, you just have a reminder to go, actually, I thought I was good at Bolognese, but I wasn't. Now I've got to get my Bolognese going back together again. It might keep us sharp. Is there any chance I could pause the podcast for a second to have a full-blown panic attack? We'll go make a bolognese we come back All right, and we'll be reassured. We'll be a bit sleepy. Alright, and we'll be right back. After these messages.

Today is the day! Oh no, the family are at the door! They haven't made my tray, the mark of Milan is! This is all just one long ad. It's all a big, yeah, it's all a big long ad for Tom's one man Dracula he's doing. Yeah, and I actually think, you know, it's not, not exam. I guess it is kind of a test. It's an assessment. How about, how about like, like your taxes, a self assessment, would you allow?

Cause I mean, basically you've done the self assessment already, Tom, you've said, I used to say, I was good at Bolognese. I know I'm no longer good at Bolognese. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, I said that at table tennis. I'm still good at Bolognese. Sorry, sorry, whoa, whoa, no, I said that at table tennis. I'm still good at Bolognese. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Move back after these messages. Today is the day. I'm not good at Bolognese. So I must eat your blood. Ha ha ha. End of Act 1. Anyway, come back. Where have you all gone? I'm at this Bolognese taste of coppers. I'm collecting the glasses, come back!

Just my sister left in the audience. But listen, what about that though, where you could, you know, you could literally at the end of, you know, at the end of the financial year, you could say, look, I'm taking this off the slate, table tennis, I've let it lie fallow for too long, or I played a game on holiday, you know, and I thought, actually, I've not got this anymore. My bowling game, gone. It's gone. You can bring it back. You can work on it. You know, the honesty of saying like, I can no longer consider reading one of my hobbies. Like, I'm just, it's gone. It's gone. You could no longer hold on to that one miraculous game of ten pin bowling that you had on my Stag Day. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Unbelievable. The weirdest anomaly. The absolute... I will say one thing, because it was like day two of a Stag, if I had to put all of the same circumstances into play in order for me to win that game, I would be dead within three games. I would be dead within three games of a tournament. He had a short but very brilliant temp in bowling career. He burnt extremely brightly. He just had a tremendous amount of self-belief. That's what it was. Which was amazing because he was cross-eyed at the time.

Barely faced in the right direction. There were several factors in play there, none of which were my ability. It was just... Tempin bowling, speedball bowling more like... He's gone! He's gone, he's out! But what they forget, what they forget about John Belushi is that final game of bowling. Oh my god.

That was the shit. That was the shit. Absolutely unbeatable. Yeah, anyway, yeah. So, okay, so you self-assess, but then that's part of the problem I think. Like if everyone self assess their own cars, everyone would be driving dodgy cars. Like you will take reading off my hobby list

from my cold dead hands. Have I read a book in 10 years? Probably about three, but you will take that off, but you would have to rip it from my hobbies list. Do you know what it is? Is because if I take reading off, that's it. I've got no hobbies. That thing I pretend to do is my only thing that I've got.

Is sitting a hobby? Because then it becomes watching TV. And even now I don't do as much as I used to. So I might even take that off my list of things. It's like after that what are your hobbies after that? So I think the problem with self assessment is yeah you're right. No one's willing to give up their own self belief. Yeah well speaking of podcasting, podcasting's a, because now when people say, oh you're a comedian, I go, I'm a podcaster.

And there's a look in their eyes that goes, we know you've taken a step down from saying you're a comedian to say you're a podcaster. That's very brave. So is there a way to go like, I'm not a reader anymore, I'm a buyer of books, you know? Because I still buy the books. I'm a a reader anymore. I'm a buyer of books. You know, like, because I still buy the books. I'm a book collector. That sounds good.

Because people think, well, surely he's reading them, but you're not lying. Hello. I collect, yeah, I actually I collect rare...ly read books. Sorry, what did you say? No, no, I collect rare...ly read books. Sorry, what did you say? No, no, I collect rare books. Okay, okay. And my books collect dust. So actually, even my collection is collecting. Collecting, yeah. So in many ways... My bedside table is heaving. I'm one of the great collectors. Yeah, that's it. Enjoy your Bolognese. Please,

enjoy your Bolognese. Oh, they left mid conversation. This is an ad by BetterHelp. How often do you compare yourself to others? It's easy to envy friends' lives on social media, but comparison is the thief of joy, and in reality, nobody has it all together. Online therapy can help you focus on what you want, not what others have, because your best life is better than the idea of someone else's. Stop comparing and start living with better help. Visit betterhelp.com to learn more and save 10% off your first month. That's betterHELP.com. Fitness is kind of, you don't need that. We know, we know how fit we are, right? You don't

need to be tested once a year on your fitness. I mean, you kind of go to the doctors for a checkup, right? Should hope you do that. Roll baby. But you know, it just, I feel like it might be quite useful to kind of have like a stock take maybe every five years.

Let's be generous on ourselves. Five years between. Yeah. I would say, Tom, I'm not even going to, I'm not even going to support you on health either. I think lots of people are sort of, you know, incredibly unhealthy, but in denial about it or incredibly unhealthy and doing not much about it. So I think I think I think you're right. We what we need, we need to you need to have a complete a complete self audit. And I thought I thought the self assessment tax return was bad.

I would do I would do 364 of those rather than doing one of the of the self audit where they check every bit of me to see how how it marries with my own self image. Oh yeah. It sounds like it sounds like a nightmare. I think we're better, you know what, I think we're better off without it. I think we're better off living in complete denial. Yeah, there's going to be some blowhards banging on about how good they are at table tennis or what a cracking ball of eggs they've just made.

How good they are at blowing. How good they are at blowing. How good they are at blowing football. I'm afraid to tell you, your blowing's gone soft. And so have I. That's a different MIT. I'm tapping out. But I think it's one of these things.

It has to be, it has to be everybody, doesn't it? There's no point in you just doing it yourself. Yeah, I'm not sure you can tap out is the thing. It's been decreed. No, no, it's voluntary, but everyone's aware of it. So, no, but listen, so everyone's aware of it. So, if you sat around at a dinner party, someone could say to you, have you got your Bolognese sticker?

Yeah, if conversations really run dry, then they could say that to you, Tom. Yeah, I tell you what, you know what they'd say after that, I'd go, oh yeah actually I've just remembered I've got to go home and make a Bolognese and never see you again. No, let me just set the scene, we're at a dinner party and someone just said, Clarky, what's on the menu for tonight and he said Bolognese. It's not, you know, it's not like, that's not conversation. No, you're right. It's not like,'s not conversation. Now you're right.

It's not a conversation. I don't think that in that instance, you could say, right, if somebody said to you, right, because what you're saying there is if I'm around at Clark's, Clark says, I'm serving Bolognese tonight. I can't then ask him, oh, are you good at making Bolognese? You don't have to know. You can just say, have you got your stiff? No, no, no, because you can't. It. It's the same. If anything, that's worse. What? It's not just... I'll drop you home. I'll drive you home. I can say, oh, have you

got a driving licence? No, you can't. Are you good at driving? You sound insane. Both times... Are you good at driving? Is it different? Look, I'm at the pub, I've had one too many, I can't quite get home. I don't worry, I'll drive you home. Oh, you've got a driving licence. No, you've never asked that! Are you good at driving? You've never asked if you've got a driving licence, because it's implied in the offer. It's clearly they've got a driving licence. There's no way! Sorry, can I just check? Have you got a car to drive with? Oh, no, I haven't got a driver license or a

car yes very trick they did indeed No, no, it was. It's not going to take you nowhere. Yeah. So, you know, I don't know. It's worth thinking about anyway. And look, it's going to create a lot of jobs. Imagine being a Bolognese inspector. I know I'm kind of obsessing about the Bolognese side of things. Not purely.

I'm not. I keep thinking I'm like, oh, I should kind of add another thing to the MOT list. But I'm kind of stuck on thing to the MIT list but I'm kind of stuck on Bolognese as well maybe just cars and Bolognese and we just call it a day on that all right can I can I present to you with a scenario right so Tom you get your dream job of all time as the Bolognese auditor yeah of Britain right the head Bolognese ombudsman of the UK. Today's the day I land my dream job.

Get your fangs away from my neck. And then you arrive at my house, right? Okay. Obviously, there's a conflict of interest because you know, you can't really be auditing your own mates, but I think in this case you wouldn't make the exception. So I say to you, oh, by the way. Have you been warned in the post of my coming two weeks? Yes, let's assume that like a normal tax audit, you get some warning, then just suddenly show up on the day and say, right, here we go. You're up for your BOT. Yes, let's assume that like a tax audit you get someone and then just suddenly show up on the day and say, right, here we go. You're up for your BOT.

Yeah, you're up for your BOT, exactly, right. What does BOT stand for? Motor vehicle on trend. Okay, good. Is your car still fashionable? You're up for your Bolognese on test. It's got to be test, right? Bolognese on test, yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense actually, yeah, good. Is your car still fashionable? You're on for your Bolognese on test. It's got to be test, right? Yeah, that makes sense actually. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Maybe, uh, maybe, uh, MO is just like motor vehicle. Is the, because it can't be, oh, is it? Let's go with that. Let's get motor vehicle test. You're on for your BO for Bolognese test, okay?

You're here for your bot, okay? And I say, I say, Oh, just to just to tell you, I'm actually going to be preparing a lentil Bolognese for you tonight. Okay, how do you feel about that? Now it's not a trad bowl. It's not a trad swag bowl. But as a bowl inspector, this is not Yeah, you're used to this. I've sampled all kind of bowls. And you will you'll accept. And will you judge it against other lentil bowls or will you judge it against

the mean bowl of the entire UK? I'm going to approach every bowl on its own merit. Is that how an MOT works? And I think that's what you really need, isn't it? It is really. ball on its own merit. Is that how an MOT works? It is really. You don't go, oh, this car's better than the last car I had in. I guess that's true. You go, is this car good enough? Yes, it is. Is this car roadworthy? Is this Bolognese edible? I'm afraid you can't lower the bar that far down I'm afraid. I know you're

nervous about this inspection. No I'm just trying to work out what the terms are. It being edible isn't the test. But like roadworthy is the same as edible isn't it? I've always said it. Finally. Clarky's one of those guys who greats down cars and tries to get into the Guinness Book of Records. The worst record holders. The guys who eat a plane bit by bit. Oh my good god what's going on there? There's a lot to unpack there.

Well there's a lot to great down cars. There's a lot to unpack in their guts I imagine as well. There's a lot to unpacking their guts I imagine as well. There's a lot to unpack. What is that? What's brought that around? The desire to try and eat a car. Achieve it by sprinkling it on food. And kids being impressed.

I guess that might be the motivation is that people are, there is a certain degree of us that go, well fair play actually. Yeah, fucking god. Fair play. I haven't eaten a Nissan Micra so yeah fair play to the boy. And it is always a boy. Fair play to the lad. Listen, how many biplanes have I eaten? Zero. He's eaten five. So fair play to him. Fair play to him. What about if, all right, okay, here's a new situation, okay? Yeah.

You get to the house of somebody, right? And they say, here's my Bolognese, and there's a fucking exhaust pipe. There's an exhaust pipe. Right, then what do you do with that? There's a propeller in this. Let me tell you, that's my worst nightmare as a Bolognese inspector.

It's every Bolognese inspector's worst nightmare. Absolutely. You think, oh no, inspector's worst nightmare. Absolutely. You think, oh no, there's a gear stick here. Do I eat around the gear stick or do I, you know, because you've got to eat a bit of everything really, haven't you? You know, when they're doing the master chef, you know, when they do a master chef scoop, they try and get a little bit of everything on the fork, don't they? Yeah.

That's what they're trying to do. You've got to get, you've got a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of choke. Car handle. Absolutely. Day one on the job and they're going to the tea. A choke is such a good reference from the year where people got on telly by eating cars. Absolutely. No one's eating a choke anymore. No one's eating a choke. No. You must fear that because what an ironic death that could be. Yeah, I mean surely that's the big one. That's the bit you're worried about eating if you're in the profession. That's why they called it that because it was so common back in the day.

Let someone get every bit of the car down them. They'd have already processed most of it. Part of me would be tempted to do it first. Would you do it first or last? You do it first. You've had the choke and you've got through it then you broke in the world You're oyster. Yeah, absolutely The choke is very much the pearl of the car, isn't it?

We've already said it so what you doing in that situation powery what you doing when you when you when you're faced with a little bit of Face with a little bit of handbrake in your well as I said, I approach every ball on its own merit Merits exactly so, you know, whatever, this is a Nissan Microbolognaise. All right, Tom, next question. Next question, you're chomping away on it. Oh, yeah. You spot over in the corner of the room,

there's Norris McWhorter from the Gatsby Records. He's there with a clipboard. What do you do then? Are you still munching away? I speed up. Yeah, of course you are. There we go. Of course you are. I'm on my second gear. What do you do then are you still munching away? Let's see what this baby could do

And then okay next next day right next question next day yeah you get to work right Oh, no it's gonna be a problem yeah yeah it's gonna be a problem there's gonna be a big hey there's gonna be a big effing problem excuse my French because you're the big boss who is in charge of everybody else you know bolognese table tennis reading and all the otherots. Stag bowling. Stag bowling, yeah yeah yeah. Stag bowling, spag bowling, the lot. They're next to each other. That's when he has a nightmare. Nightmare putting those two next to each other. The amount of mail that goes missing. Why do I get a guy called Tim Perry to do stag bowling? My paperwork is just, I can't deal with it. It's all over the shop.

So he gets in and he says... You know why you got Tim Perry to do stag bowling, because he's a fucking legend. Tim Perry, honestly, Batman. He can strop you to a WKD in 30 seconds, or at least he could when he was 14, and he's still got it there. One day he's going to be audited on that. He will be. Who audits the auditors? This is it. This is exactly it. So then you come into the office and the guy is there, he's chomping on his cigar.

And he throws down the newspaper and goes, had a good weekend, did we, Parry? And there's you, double thumbs up with the napkin tucked into your shirt, having just eaten an entire car. Man breaks record. By the way, car. Yeah, man breaks record. That's not you. By the way, when you call hand breaks record. Now he's very tired. I'm exhausted, actually. So what do you what do you do? What do you do in that instance?

Do you do you quit on the spots and move into that as a new career? What was I considering doing that anyway now that I'm a minor celebrity? I think this is it, isn't it? You get the whiff of it. You get the whiff of, you know, Cheryl Baker's on the blower and saying, you know, come on the show and, you know, eat a steam train or whatever. And're like yeah I want this. I've got it in my best now. I want this. Yeah this is my life. Do you attend your resignation immediately? I do love traveling up and down the country though.

A traveling bag bowl tester. This is it. Is it better the devil you know? Because you love that job. Do you know why I really love it for the people sure the foods a bonus sure the food on the side the foods nice don't get me wrong yeah but it's the people you know this is the people you meet while you're chowing down on that bowl this is the problem because you're gonna be hanging out with other guys who break world records. So you're going to be there. You're going to be there, you know, you're going to be there with the guy who's been, you know, pushing a wheelbarrow around with his balls for 10 hours. You're like, well, I can't, I can't eat that now. Oh, thanks a lot. That was my grand finale. You've rubbed your knackers on it.

Fucking milk crate guys in the green room. Exactly. Twenty milk crates on his head. The beer flippers, the guys, you know, balancing broom handles on their chin, all that kind of caper. Do you want to trade that for honest decent people cooking pan-italian food? And crucially having power over those decent normal people. Yeah yeah that's it. Being able to crush their dreams. It's the eternal question isn't it? Would you rather be a world record breaker or a Bolognese inspector. Those are the lyrics we made for the song.

If you want to be the best, if you want to be the best, if you want to taste the rest. Yeah, the eternal question and one I don't think I'll ever have the answer to. No, no, exactly. I'm sorry to pose it in such a sort of public, well increasingly private, forum. As the minutes roll on. As the minutes roll on. Just me and my sister listening. If I could have waited a mere 10-15 minutes longer, oh believe you me, it would have been an empty kitchen and you talking to the walls.

The real trick for this would have been slowly the zoom disappears and then my sister crops up out of nowhere on the zoom and it's all been an elaborate flight to recreate one of the worst moments of my life. Cold rain or hot snow? What is sleeting? House meeting! Woah. Woah boys.

Woah man. Ok, a lot to digest. Literally. Yeah. A lot to... Anyone else craving a Bolognese now? Absolutely craving a Bolognese. I really am. And then this and Micra. Yeah, I'd love to eat a Bolognese out of a Molotiv Ford if I could. And then, obviously, edible bowl. It's the great thing about eating food out of a sun roof. Edible bowl guys. Edible bowl baby. Yes, so thanks very much for listening folks.

As always, if you enjoyed this episode, then leave us a like or a review and subscribe and do all the things you do to let other people know that this podcast exists. Tell your friends about it. We always love to get new listeners. And if you are, if you're feeling flush, please do join the Patreon. We would love to see you over there. It really is. It's, it's, I think it's tremendous value for money, a whole bonus

episode every single week. And we have a, we have a great time over there. We'd love to see you there. Well, and just before we sign off, just on a serious note, uh, don't forget to vote in last week's election. It's an yes, guys. It's an important election, guys. Yeah, we're recording this two days away from the election.

But if you if you're listening to this on the day we recorded it, which is crucially a week before we put it out, then then please do not forget to vote. Imagine if this was the thing that reminded someone they'd forgotten to vote. I'd be absolutely gutted. I would be gutted when I listened to it. By the way, we've got a real treat at the end of this episode. A brand new jingle from Brian Shelf. So we're going to... Yes, he's done us a nap.

It's not even a jingle I take. It's a full-on... It's a full-blown record. It's a full-blown banger. So that is going to be coming up in just a few minutes but before that, don't forget if you're at the Latitude Festival, we can now reveal that we're going to be on stage at the Latitude Festival. What? Um, yes. The point is on stage? Yeah, I'm afraid so. Unbelievable. What a reveal.

It's going to be on a stage of all things, yeah, let me just find the exact timing. We're gonna be on stage 830 p.m. So yeah 830 p.m. So we have very very much your warm-up for Durant Iran That's what we're gonna be Sunday night 830 p.m. Sunday night 830 p.m. I fingers crossed we can get LeBonne to pop over and do a few live jingles. I'd love to hear his quickfire round. Girls on film, boys on pod more like. Absolutely right and if you think you've heard that for the last time.

Three or four times during the record itself probably. Absolutely right, absolutely right. His name is Parry and he dances on the pod. So, which is a shame because it's an audio medium. But yeah, Latchwood Festival. Always believe in your cast. That's Spandau Ballet. Please, listen, when we meet Le Bon, don't tell him how much you love Through the Barricades because he must get that all the time. That's how we go on stage. Anyway, yes, we'll see you at the Latitude Festival in Henan Park in Suffolk and we'll be on stage Sunday night. Yeah, they've moved to Suffolk this year. Sunday night at 8.30 in, I believe it's called The Listing Post. So we will see you there, we would love to see you there. Looking forward to it, can't wait.

But yeah, see you there. Mm, okay, well today's episode was produced by Macaulsham. Cawsham team! Cheers everyone, bye! Bye! Hi there, what a wonderful time for you to drop by. Bye, bye, bye, bye. We're just setting up to shoot a scene of our new star,

and I'd love to introduce you before they begin. We're all just bursting with excitement about this brilliant new performer. We think this one will not only win every award, hands down, but just gonna win the hearts of people all over the country. Come on, I want you to meet a great new star. Great new star. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, a lot of damn dead lawyers there from the big city swanning in.

Now I don't suppose any of you have ever had a duck walk into the middle of a poker game and tell you it's time to leave. But let me tell you it's time to leave? But let me tell you something. That's the best damn duck I ever did on When you find the right duck Kind of duck with a waddle in the middle of town and pick you out of the poker game because he knows you put the rent on the wrong thing You don't want wanna eat that duck Because it's laying you the eggs

Duck eggs, them bigger than chicken eggs But hell are greasy Sometimes you gotta take the grease with the size Blast of the doughnuts, son of a gun You gotta take the grease with the sides. Second in line, choose the morning. Hell, I don't even have to tell you about the time I split a case of bourbon with a goat.

Laughter. Most of y'all were there to remember it, because I sure as hell don't. Spiciest jambalaya we ever did taste. Defense, rest, your honor. A lot of damn damn lawyers from the big city there talking about their fancy ways. Hell, one of them came in today on high heel shoes. Big city

There if you own her over there now she trying to find a peculiar to share a drink with that animal there. Can someone call an ambulance?