Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Captain Oates) S11E23

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. This week the boys are off for a long walk and a short boilPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her coarse debris and pat in love for it. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters, December 15.

Greetings, listener dear! I'm Tom. I'm Ben. I'm Matthew. Welcome to another... Oh, Crikey, I've got a croaky throat there haven't I? Welcome to another Papi's flat share house meeting. House meeting. House meeting. I think that, I mean, like levels wise, that was a shock it was. And I came in high and loud, Clarky kind of straddled the middle and then you kind of lay down on the ground and passed away. Just croaked in like a frog who just been run over.

There you go. Did you play a hopper when you were a kid? The frog game where you had to cross the road and then go over the stream. I played a game called Frogger that was probably the same thing. Leaping onto logs. On the A-Core Electron. Yeah, on the A-Core Electron it was called Hopper. Yeah. Loved it.

Absolutely mind blowing how that game gripped us for like five years, I would say. And it was crossing a road and crossing a river. Yeah. You just wouldn't get that these days anyway. I'm just I'm just I'm just prepping listening here for warm up. A house meeting where I think we finally kick through the door into old age and and and merrily run towards the light. Yes absolutely. You know what I mean. We just do race who we are. You know what, we're very comfortable in our

withering skins. And it's a shame because we have a lot of young listeners. You know? We certainly do. Very, very young listeners. But you know what, I think there's, I think that you know what's good about this podcast is there's a message for the old and a message for the young.

And the message is, keep listening. Oh, no. No matter how boring it gets. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Wow. Dear Pappies, enjoyed the bird chat earlier today on house meeting. It reminded me of this great Twitter thread. You too might enjoy it as further assistance to renaming the birds of your paradise and just felt like to share it with you. She sent me this fantastic thread on Twitter of birds, names by people who clearly hate birds. There's some really fantastic names of birds here. The drab seed eater, the go away bird, the rough face shag, the sad fly catcher, the somber tit. I mean, what the ruddy pigeon, what I want to work out now is in the world

of puppies, which ones are we? I have a feeling I might be the tiny sky tyrant. Yeah, that's just kind of feeling. Oh my God, that's too good. It's a little too good. Like if you were in a World War II plane pilot, that would be, you'd have that painted on the side of you. Yeah.

You'd have. Absolutely. I'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your You'd have that painted on the side of your And I, of course, would remain the sad tit. LAUGHTER She says, cheers for Kekemy Entertainment over this last year. Very pleased to have discovered your podcast at the start of Lockdown 1.0. And have been able to attend some of the slam downs remotely too. I keep trying to convert friends and families to become additional listeners dear. Thank you so much. Oh, I haven't read the rest of the sentence. Here we go.

But... LAUGHTER ..but there's always a box. I got very distracted by the excellent Twitter thread she sent us and haven't really read on this bit, but let's plow through nevertheless. I keep trying to convert friends and families of a conventional listener's dear, but apparently my reviews akin to its ridiculous nonsense but highly entertaining. I sadly get to result in many, if any, conversions. My brother-in-law countered with his suggestion of urbanomic, which not honestly sounded a bit too

high-brow for me. Nevertheless, I'll persist on the conversion of friends and family to become listeners, that is. Not just persistent on being a listener myself, it's definitely not a chore. And I'll work harder on my chat. Yours, Front Aim Only, Malora. By the way.

Malora, that's amazing. She does say, but by the way, Front Aim's only, only sadly, doesn't work as well. If your parents name you something ridiculous, you have to repeat three times every day, just to try and order a flat white, but hey, ho. But thank you, Malora. Thanks for being an elite.

It's a lovely day, Malora. It's a gorgeous name, and thank you for being evangelical about the pod. You know, we always enjoy more listeners, especially if they enjoy the podcast. It's a two way street. If they enjoy it, we enjoy it. Absolutely, and those that really enjoy it go along to Patreon and join our Patreon and send us a little cash every month and there's a lovely community of listeners there and they get you get extra podcasts.

We do so much extra content you guys. We've got a whole of the podcasts called a flat share lockdown, where we read a lot of your emails and play a lot of silly jingles. You get a bonus episode on a Thursday, I think. Anyw actually do. Yes, yes. So you got bonus episode on a Thursday, bonus on the,

I mean, we do loads of bonus episodes. Yes. There's loads of flat shell lockdowns, there's loads of love sex shag downs, they're great fun. What I'm gonna do though, I've got a new tack now for the, because we do the same to be able every time for the paper.

Oh yeah, I've gone. I feel like now is the time to start guilt-tripping people. Right? Oh no. Yeah, I think it is, because think about it, right? Think about the people that people send us emails Maybe we'll have to do good cop bad cop on that but think about how long the people say I've been listening to you since I Since you know you you were doing bangers and mash back in in 2011 people say to me, you know I've recently discovered your podcast. I've listened to every episode, you know, we've done over over a hundred nearly 150, I think

Episodes on the main feed. There's loads. We're putting out loads of content. We're not asking for any money. We never ask for any money, but maybe... Until now. Maybe you feel like you owe us a little bit of money, right? Just a little bit of... Do you know how I feel like you're... Think about the amount... Think about the amount of time you spent... I prefer mine.

Think about the amount of time you spent with us. All this wonderful entertainment you've got for free. Don't you feel like, you know, come on. Fork with a month. You're barely gonna notice it. Let's let that sit there and see how it feels. That really does. That's upset the two of you, hasn't it?

I didn't like it. I mean, I don't know about it, but let's see. Let's see how it feels on the other side of this. How's meeting? I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk.

I want a chat. OK, let's sit down and chew the flat. Has meeting. What temperature should we set the heat? Has meeting. Why on earth am I always waiting? Has meeting. Who went my bed while I was sleeping?

Has meeting. What's the point? Does life have a meeting? Has meeting. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So the other day I was taking a phone call and it was so bad you said phone call. We were taking anything else while you were taking the phone call. Well I was and that sort of this all plays into the camera. I was taking some stuff from the car to the house at the same time.

Okay, all right, all right. It wasn't shit, was it? Yes. It was all the shit I'd done in the car, yeah. I've been shit in your car, I do. Oh, mate. Crosby, what have we told you about that? Do it.

Is that what you told me? Yeah, yeah, we did. And what I was, I was carrying my, I was carrying, you know, my shit, but not my actual shit. Out of the car back into the house, and I was taking a phone call and, I wasn't getting into details,

but it was, it was bad news. I was getting bad news. Well, and it was like the person calling me, it was bad news for them. It was bad news for me as well. So it was mutual bad news. And as I was wrapping up the phone call, I said basically, if there's anything I can do, just call. Right? And it was professional news, so it wasn't like, you know, it wasn't emotional, really. It's sentimental. It's emotional. Well, here's the way you finish there was quite emotional.

If there's anything I can do, just go, well, it was even worse, because I said, if there's anything I can do, just call. And as I said, just call. I picked up a suitcase that was heavy than I expected it to be so it sounded like I was crying. If there's anything anything I can do just cool. And this is like a producer I was talking to. So it was very like it was very awkward I had to, oh yeah. I'm not crying by the way.

And the phrase I'm not crying, just automatically makes you think, he's crying. He's crying. It's also the kind of phrase that makes you wanna cry. Yeah. What the phrase I'm not crying by the way,

or the phrase if anything I can do, just call. I'm not crying by the way. What are you crying for? I'm not crying. But why do you think, why does it make you want to cry? I'm not crying by the way. It's an emotional line. It is, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, but in this case, it was a line devoid of emotion. Because I literally wasn't crying. But I don't know the definite. So it's an emotional line. I'm not crying. I mean, I'm very... I'm not crying. I'm not crying much shit, by'm crying. I mean I'm very I'm not carrying my shit by the way

This isn't heavy with this isn't heavy with shit by the way I'm crying now because my suitcase is full of shit. Is that an emotional line? Is that a line that tri- Is that one of your- Is that one of your trigger lines that I'm carrying in a suitcase full of shit? Well no, my problem with for me is that the dial tone after someone's hung up on the other end is a brown note for me. So, unless I hang up first, then I'm in trouble.

So when you were saying to me, no, you hang up, no, you hang up. Yeah. People think I'm a romantic. Yeah. But unless I'm on the toilet, I have to go first. LAUGHTER So, did you have time to then explain or was I'm not crying by the way? Pretty much the last thing I said to the person.

Well, there's nothing worse than a line as, you know, as they're putting the phone down or is there kind of going to do that and you say something and you know it's too late. Like, you know, at times where I try and get off a phone call and the person says something and I know, no, that's God knows. Do you know what I mean? Like, or it's, that's quite hard. It feels like even with mobile phones, we've not quite eradicated the, like, that problematic three quarters of a second, which is why you often end up over saying goodbye,

like saying goodbye in four different ways. I've been saying it's so long farewell, I've been saying goodbye, Clark always bursts into song. Not always that song though, we're late, quite often it's just a cheers theme tune, but it always makes me cry, whenever Clarky sings. Well, he always brings it here to my eye. He's my other brown note here, famously. LAUGHTER

Imagine if that, if you knew you had the power to make someone shit themselves by making, by saying like a word. Oh, wow. That'd be some kind of power, wouldn't it? I'd watch that film. I was going to say it feels like an Adam Sarnam movie I see not done that already Where he discovers he's got the brown night of it. I see he's done lots of shit films, but never one hey

How dare you does it? Well it when he gets the remote control is that like is there a button on the remote control That's like the shit button. I have a feeling does he make something go back and... No, I think he... Does he not rewind a horse taking a shit? Oh no, okay. I'm not... Wait, there's two things I've gone on. Either that's in the movie and that's pretty bad. But worse, I've made it up. Absolutely worse.

I'm really hoping it's not in the film now because that's just comes pop that straight of your sad little brain. Yeah, and I can't rewind the tape on that one. You go pop it back in now. I'm not popping back in. And you pass it on to all the listener deers. Yeah.

But yeah, what in my version of your story, what's good is just as the producer hangs up he hears, I'm not crying by the way. Off. And it's like, that's, and he thinks, crossby's hit, that's hit, crossby hard. Oh, dear. I was gonna say, what a weird time to take a drink.

Talking of, you sort of took it as you were saying the last thing, oh, that's it, crossby. You said the last bit of that into the can. And actually, fair enough, there's a string at the bottom of the can, and it's leading to both myself and Clarky. But I tell you what, what you've just talked about, this kind of ambiguity of a phone chat that's purely sound.

It's kind of a dying breed, isn't it? The next generation, who Like the next generation, what, who are the next generation? Who's next after Gen Z? I'm sure we covered this one. Yeah, I think. I know, I know famously your young at heart, Clarky. But who is the, who's after Gen Z? Gen A?

I don't know. I said, did I even have a name yet? Well, I think they're right. They should do because they're knocking about the place. We've got to give them a name. Doesn't it take a while to name a generation though? Wait, millennials not, is it millennials then Gen Z?

Yeah. So it went generation X, then millennials, then Gen Z. So it's not going to be Gen A, is it? It's gonna be another name of a thing to do with this time. It's gonna be like the rawerers or something like that for the 2020s. Or something, you know, it's gonna have to have some sort of,

because they were millennials, because of being around the time of the millennium. Yeah. But then why were Gen Z, Gen Z? I don't know. Nothing was happening in time. No, Gen X. Gen X. I think millennials are the only exempt, I think we have to find some kind of system in the Gen something. That feels like the closest we've got to a system, I haven't seen.

I think so, but then because you can't, because you can't, that is boomers, isn't it? The baby boomers. Oh yeah. Were they the boomers at the time? Yeah, baby boomers. I know boomers now has become, you know, like a, a bit of a sort of derogatory term,

but at the time, baby boomers were just people who were born, you know, in the 1950s onwards. Post-war. So yeah, what's the But it can't go baby boomers all the way up to Gen X then Three in quick succession Gen X millennials Gen Y can it you're listening to the generation game Doing this is it I

Really just quite a dry discussion about that. Yeah. What we need is a potter's wheel here is what we need. We need a potter's wheel to kind of judge it up a little bit. I think there's a name for them already, but I don't know what it is, but they aren't gonna do just the sound calls, are they? Like even now people who should know better,

video call me rather than just call me. And it's not for me, it's not for my generation, I think. There's nothing more pleasurable than just having someone in your ears. Not having to see it. Well, the listener knows that. Yeah, exactly, but like this whole added stress of a video call, where you're like, I've stress of a video call where you're like,

I've got to balance you on a shelf or like, you know, any of that stuff. Well, you balance me on a shelf whenever we have a conversation anyway, whether it's face-to-face or not. You pop me up like the elf on the shelf. Well, no, weirdo. And when you call me, I put the phone on a, I go down onto a little low shelf. You go down. Oh, you go.

I was wondering what that noise was. I thought he's not crying. I'm just trying to, but he is getting drunk. Just trying to cheer you up. Yeah, it's weird though, isn't it? Because I am the same way. I love a hands-free, you know? Pop it on the hands-free and, you know,

you can get on with your stuff. If someone calls you, you know, if you've got to do it as sort of a chat, you know, it's gonna take a while, that's great. That means, you know, trying to do a bit of laundry, trying to sort through some clothes, trying to be tidying up. I like the multitasking of it. And it's good, you know, trying to do a bit of laundry, trying to sort through some clothes, trying to be tidying up, I like the multitasking of it. And it's good, you know, it doesn't distract me

from the conversation, if anything, it focuses me more on the conversation. I don't like your phone call at all, though. Do you not? No. I love a phone call. Really, I love a phone call. I'm always insisting, it It's too much because he's

related to you. You want us to stay in touch man. Does something here text? No it's not the same. It's not the same thing. I love a phone chat. I mean I'm sort of baffled texting as taken off as much as it has in terms of its sort of effectiveness. You know like it's good for some stuff but for conversations, texting is not the way. Best, when you go for a walk, doing the big shop or having a long drive. Yeah, nice life, all chance. Absolutely.

Love it. Absolutely, it's good. Long time. Long time. Yeah. My wife and I had a bit of a, like we've got a problem where I'll be wrapping up if we're doing like the joint calls on video You wrapped it up onto her You'll be wrapping

Sure, and she's sort of like a hype man behind you, isn't she she she just tried to predict the end of it every sentence and shout it She's just trying to predict the end of each every sentence and shout it. So we were on the phone to my family and I'll start trying to wrap it up. It's very clear, you know, you're clearly in the wrap up. Yeah, you start doing that. Well, thanks for calling or we'll have a nice week. You often say this phone calls produced by Emma Corsham, Corsham, Corsham, and then she'll come back, she'll kickstart the combo again with like, so how's, how's, you know, like, What, what, you, what you do now for the weekend and it'd be like, no, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Read the signs here? I can, I think there's etiquette where it's like, if you want to find to your mom,

if we're on the phone to your mom and you start giving the wrap-up signs, I'm wrapping up with you. I'm not plowing on again. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I feel like when it's your kin and you start the wrap up, because you all know the wrap up chat, right? Where you kind of go, well, it's been lovely to talk. You know, I can't ever like, oh well, you know, and I think 10 minutes is normally enough

for me. But my wife is more of a 30 minute phone call kind of person, so it's never quite enough for me, but my wife is more of a 30 minute phone call kind of person. Oh my god, they're quite enough for her. So then we enter into this deadly dance. Have me try to wrap up and I'm trying to go again. It's like, well, take care. And you know, I'm sure you've got things to do. Well, no, no, but what have you got? Have you been going in the garden recently? And it's like, yeah, I'm sure you have, but you know, like take care. And it's like just this awful. Have you been going in the garden recently?

It's not, you know, come on. I'm like, we've had some chunky starts to house meetings, but you know, even we draw them, have you been going in the garden recently? It's like the sound of someone opening a closing a door and like just fighting over this door, where I'll be opening the door and trying to usher the conversation out. My wife will be closing the door and being like,

no, no, let's keep talking. Yeah, yeah, you're effectively yawning and starting the washing up. You're trying to get people out of this dinner party, aren't you? Totally. Look, the night's over. We've had a lot of fun. It's been a great half hour, but now we've got to move on. Wow, that is. I knew we were short in a party. Actually, I actually speed inner parties.

Well, I have seven or eight inner parties. Feel free to take the rest of the pot noodle with you. Don't worry about that. You do drive, they're driving, they drive through dinner parties. Socially distanced driving dinner parties. Come on, you drive. If you kind of wind them in the air,

they'll give you a pot noodle, and then I fuck off. I don't actually quite like that, actually, to be honest. Well, you famously love a pot noodle. You love a pot. If you want, you know,, I mean it's a hell of a drive for you to make it all the way down. And if you drove down, parked in the driveway, you'd be more than welcome to, there's plenty of space. You have your pot noodle.

I'll hand you a pot noodle, I'll tap the top of the car, I'll walk back in the house, and I'll get drive. If we keep it onto the sunroof, well, I was gonna say if we keep it on the street, I could just slow down, it could be like one of those water stations at the marathon Exactly, I pour it over my head and then just drive on I'm not crying It's just a hot nude or it's it was still boiling

No Just scorched my head lately. I've got into the idea of like Because I was actually just about to wrap up the conversation time, so Let me you've gotten to the idea of get into the garden. I've been getting into the garden. I've been getting into this thing of going into the garden. It's true I have gone into the garden. But not gardening just being in the garden.

I was about to say something more boring than that. No, come on, come on, listen, no, you've got to leave us a go. You've got to leave us a go. When I was born, things are never said in my life. Let's hear it Tom, come on, you can't handle it now. No, come on, embarrassed. I tell you what, we'll take an immediate break. It's fine. It doesn't matter. We're not building anything. You just say immediately drive off. You say it will play the house meeting sting.

We'll go into the atmosphere. Here's my problem. I know if I say what I was about to say. If I was listening to that, I would out-lade say, oh, for fuck's sake. That would be my reaction. And I'd like to switch off. That would be our first of the pod though.

I think we're on at least our fifth though for fuck's sake. We've been doing this for 10 years. Surely. Come on top, no, you're the thing is you can't now. And you've caught yourself in the moment, right? And now, and now you've acknowledged, right, this is not what I would I prepared to say but I've Prided myself on not being dull for those 10 years. You've been it you've been

Never I don't know this this might be the kind of hand me my revolver kind of moment I'm going to a study while I you know what is captain out to go for a walk. Well, like, you know, what does Captain Oats do go for a walk? Yeah, I'm maybe some time. I'm maybe some time. I'm maybe some time, we're gonna walk out into the garden. I'll take a photo, though. Do you think Captain Oats,

do you think Captain Oats meant, like, to think he meant to come back? Like, you think he was, to think he had a plan, that it just didn't work out. And he's just, it's just been like this great misinterpretation of what actually happened there.

Now I'm gonna, I'm gonna like completely get this wrong here. But what didn't they find? Didn't they find Captain Oets his diary? And then it was like, oh bloody hell, I think the rest of the guys are gonna kill me. I know I'm the weakest guy here. I know I can't keep up with them. I get the feeling they're gonna leave me in the snow.

And making all of this they found his Darryan, you know, he was clutched in his hand as he was frozen to death. And then he didn't go for a walk at all. They just fucked him off. He didn't go for a walk. He wouldn't go for a walk. I mean, he wouldn't go for a walk. I thought he was making like a suicide mission to the summit. No, that's how they spun it. They spun it.

He pushed him out and is it the tender? And he quickly. Yeah. He was slowing them down and the story goes that night he said, I'm going for a war, Clad's I may be some time. And off he walked heroically to die to save the so they could carry on. That's the story. That's the story.

He was slowing the gang down too much. He wasn't like I'm making a break for the summit. It was like I'm going for a walk, I might be some time. But yeah, what probably happened is they jabbed him in the eye, poured a pot noodle over his head, and then, well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, probably help Matt, as a little bit great. When it warmed him right up.

Stick a point in not what, if you're in the summit in no time. But yeah, so maybe that's the story is that they just bodged him off. Bodged him off something different. They left a few details out of that, don't they? He might be some time, it's very cold in here. I just can't deal with the fact I'm bodged off Captain Oat on the third night. Oh, I can't help it away from my wife. I don't know. He was just called Captain before he punched him off.

I'm sorry, my wife, though. How do they make pregnant no Wee-T? How do they make pregnant no Wee-T? How do they make pregnant no Wee-T? Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at in Lutford.

It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters for December 15th. Imagine if you turn around now and went like, let's go for it, let's do, let's do, we'll just fuck off to the South Pole and try it. I'm glad that's what you suggested. It happens to be mad if you suggest we all bodge each other off.

Listen, if it hasn't happened now, it's never going to happen. We've had so many opportunities and it's never happened yet. But maybe we've perhaps we've never been cold enough. LAUGHTER Maybe this trip to the safe poles just taken a fresh turn. I'd say what? Honey, it's not what it looks like. We were cold!

I thought it was the South Pole! Imagine if we froze to death, mid bodge off. What a way for the bodies to be found! Imagine, like, it's normally like 60 years later or something. Maybe like, ah, there was a land slide and some soil that we loaded. Like, froze to death whilst marching. We were, how've found them. And there we are.

These three frozen cadavras, Neil Bodge, in a Mexican bargeoff. LAUGHTER Sadly, not one of them ate the biscuit. LAUGHTER Faces, faces, faces frozen in pleasure. LAUGHTER Just like three rigour mortis greens. One of us is doing the rock and rock on

over. I guess we haven't got a spare hand. I guess one of us has a spare hand. We've all got a spare hand. We've got a spare hand. We've got a spare hand. We've got a spare hand. We've got a spare hand. What are you going on there, man? How much extra part of the body? He's there. He's money? He's there, but you have a polar bear as well.

It's the new John Lewis advert. Never knowingly underbunched. Oh man. Oh man. Whenever there's like online skits or sketches of like what the state of podcasting is like. It's three guys talking about whanking themselves off. I always get a real like because there's a lot of a lot of articles get written about podcasting now and it's usually it usually basically discreet as us and goes don. And it's usually, it usually basically describes us

and goes, don't worry, it's not all like this. It's basically like, I know what you're imagining. It's three wankers in there, in their late 30s, literally 40s, talking about bodging each other. You know, it's that, it's that. But actually, Peter Grouch has got one now. So you know, he thinks that's the kind of thing they tend to do.

So I always feel a real pain. Especially if anyone does a podcast where it's just chatting, they'll always say, I know, just another one of these three wankers in a room chatting kind of podcast. But we've been doing it for a long time. Every single one of you, that's quite... Well, that's why they're referring to us

every single time. I know. I know. I know. I know they are. And quite right too. We were the thing, rather than being the pioneers of what people wanted to do. LAUGHTER

We're like in the training video. Yeah. Except it's what's more void. Are you three white bloats? Well, firstly, what's more void. Are you three white bloats? Well, firstly, there's your mistake. No, it's enough of it. But you want this. Anyway, so Tom, you very swiftly distracted us with a gorgeous cat in its memory.

Did quite well there. I did. And we've got to get away from it. And I will say this, I think if we are, say we ever take this show on the road and do like a podcast tour or something. Sure. We could have worse posters than the picture of the three of us frociing and pretending

to watch each other off. We could have worse places. Yeah, yeah. With icicles coming our far noses and things like that. Yeah, things like that. What was that? What was the, who was the band that said, we'll tour again? Where it was in Genesis who said, we won't get back together till

the hell freezes over to. The hell freezes over to yeah. Yeah, the Eagles did a hell freezes over to yeah. So we could we could echo that in some way. Did did I have the what was there post image for that? Oh, yeah, unfortunately Who's done Henley and Glen Fry budget each other off? Well, they did it in the desert because they're the Eagles obviously It's not a like for like

There's just a sandy shuffle on each other's parts there. Arguably worse, I'd say, in the desert. Oh, it's 100%. Yeah. 100%. Well, it's the question, what would you rather happen to your extremities? They would snap off due to frostbite, or they get burnt death and eaten by vultures. It is.

You know, classic question. There we go. It's the old question. So, Tom, anyway, again, please, once again, you tried to distract us, but you've got to tell us what was it? Oh, tell us what was it? What was it quite? That wasn't quite as good a diversion as the last one. No, no, it wasn't.

Talk about the Eagles. No, you'd think it would with me in Clark E, but you... I really thought it was for a second, yeah. Yeah, I think his thing is with this line of inquiry, Tom, you can check out anytime, but you can never leave. You can never leave! Yes, yes, yes! I was going to say, but I'm not going to say, I don't want to say it, because I stopped myself. No, of course, because we understand that, we've got the caveat here, Tom. You're like, you're unprepared to say this is too boring. But we've got to hear it.

I'll bring myself to even say it now. I've really got into the idea of not using the water just before it boils in a kettle. Oh no. I'm not going to like it. Oh dear, ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to Papi's last ever podcast. That was worse than I expected it to be.

No, I know. Can I ask? Can I ask? I don't know. Unless you're making yourself a lemship, why are you using the water just before it boils? It makes me feel... I feel like you're in control. I feel cocky, I don't know, It makes me feel good. I don't know. I feel like classier for it.

So I see it like because you've all been to those fancy tea rooms where they say we make tea with underboard water. I feel like I'm a have a power boiled tea please. I feel like I'm cheating the systems on that or I don't know. I don't want it to be, I think it's ghost, using temperature, like using water at boiling temperature. I don't know. I need you to know I stopped myself from saying this. You did stop yourself. You did stop yourself. I don't know what I need you to know I stopped myself from saying this. You did stop yourself. You don't only got yourself to blame, but also you got all from boiling.

I just, I'd be interested to know what it is that you feel is so tacky about all of us people who are letting the kettle boil. Because also as well, like, you know, sometimes I will boil the kettle and maybe I don't get to the kettle immediately So it's starting to cool down you know starting to cool down anyway At what point I hate myself for asking this question, but at what point This is a good question turned into quite an interesting conversation Start yeah, no, no, not yet. No, okay okay, okay, no, yeah, but we do our best.

It's been a very long time since any of us have been on like a first date. I have to get showing. Oh, we've always been the other two. That's a very good point actually. There was a tremendous pressure. I mean, I don't know how data's do it to be honest. I've had to absolutely stink fest first dates. Because it's just like there's nowhere to run, is there? There's no way to... Why are you taking down the leisure centre? You're there with a person for a long time. Yes, you're right.

And also as well, I used to find that I would be pushing on a personality that was worse than my personality. Yeah. You're already going. I already terrible person. Yeah, my already a foreign personality. I was dressing up in a cloak of even worse,

tWatery. I don't know why. I'll be saying stuff like, well, I don't, I don't know what I'm saying this. I don't believe believe this and I've had a couple of drinks and I started a Bait like I think you know I don't know where I'm trying to be a bad boy What I'm I'm I'm going for here What's my angle? But I'm not I'm never gonna see this person again. I'm not crying

Also if this is this suitcase starts to smell, just ignore it. Yeah, yeah. The fact that I've shown it with the suitcase is already a red flag. Hahaha. Even more so when you open it up. What were your absolute stinker dates? I mean, I just, I just, I I'm like it's something of my own worst end to be really because I was never very inventive so it'd always be like a

meal and a meal is like you know it's a bit like tennis they say you like with tennis there's it's actually the most brutal of sports because there's nowhere to go there's nowhere to help I mean now that I'm thinking about it, boxing is probably more brittle. Yeah. Which is also a terrible first date, but I... No, I did someone say about it. At least with boxing, you get to go to your corner

and your team are there, and they get to tell you things and help you. But in tennis, you're out there for four hours. You're not allowed to talk to anyone. Can't chat to the ball boy. You can't chat to the umpire who's sat up the top of a high um... Unless you're having a go. Yeah, the umpire's deliberately put himself at a reach. So you can't have it. You can't have an easy conversation. There's no one... Yeah, there's no one there handing you a fresh towel. You've got to pick up your own towel. It's a bit... towel. It's a bit like Snooker.

Snooker's the same, isn't it? They don't go and sit and chat to somebody else. You know, their manager or whatever is, you know, watching this elsewhere. They just sit there. Are we going on record and saying Snooker and tennis are the two brutally sports? Two nice, brutally sports.

Yeah, the most exposing sports. They are, aren't they? Have you been watching that Gods of Snooker? Yeah. Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. But that's what you make me do.

Do you fancy putt in the timing and get it good? Oh, we don't live together, we don't live near each other anymore. No, we know you moved away, man, so I can't do it. Oh, man. I've thought you were going to say do you fancy Jimmy White? Because yes, it's the answer to that.

But yeah, no, I mean, I'd hit the Jimmy White, because yes, it's the answer to that. But yeah, no, I mean I'd hit the Jimmy White in the Arctic world. That was your nickname for the proler bear. But yeah, I mean I was always a balling at sneaker. So I mean, I'm just useless at it. But what a fun sport to get good at, you know. But, but, well, yeah, yeah. It's the same, it's the same with anything,

is it, with music, or with, this is something I've got to try and instill into my kid, with music or sport. There's large, there's going to be huge suites of time where it is not fun at all. You're going to have to give yourself over to it's like imagine What imagine the amount of time you spent in a snooker club to become a professional Super player. Oh, yeah, that is a dark smelly room full of violent people If you ever meet when we're like like snooker rooms are

They're dodgy places man. I went to one a few months back actually. Yeah, but not one of your trendy hips to shortage ones, you know, where it's all it's a cat food. Okay, I'll tell you that. I said, no, cat food's a very cat food. It's a very gay gentrified. We're talking about, you know, we're talking about, you know, the 1980s, the 1970s,

1980s, very different place. If you wanted to buy a gun, you'd go to the Sneakahor. Wow. You'd buy an officer and guy in the corner of the Sneakahor. Death. Absolutely. Go salesman. The gun sales. Yeah.

That was a good thought. Because I remember, I remember the first I went to a Sneakahor, I went to buy a queue. And I went down. You went to the wrong way, thing. Points the wrong one, didn't I? I said to a cue at the... I got into a cue for the guns, exactly. This is what happened, yeah.

So I ended up cueing up for a... I thought it was weird while I was screwing it together. I thought it looked so. But I won the first game on a default. But anyway, yeah, you're right. Well, that's true. That's true of anything, isn't it, you know? You could play this podcast and say, look, some of it is going to be tough and brutal

and let's face it, boring, but you've got to get through it to get to the place in podcasting where we are today. It took us 10 years to get this good. Yeah. Where we could take. This is where we are. So when are we talking? It's 10,000 hours, isn't it?

There you go. Well speaking of time, Tom, what are we talking? Are we talking a minute before it boils? What are we talking about? No, do you know? How do I know? That's the thing you can hear from the sound. But yeah, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the, you can see from the? You can hear from the sound. It's a sea of them.

You can see them in the rattle. That's what I think I like about it is I think what I'm introducing or reintroducing actually is an element of skill. I think that's my God. I think he's too lacking in the modern world. Oh my God. I am bringing in an element of skill and judgment. Tom, Tom, that the Gen A wouldn't even be able to attempt. Do you know what I think? I think you're right app to make it. I think you're right here. This is right here's here's the thing. You know

what you're right. There should be an element of mental focus to boil you a kettle because I had a disaster today when I was boiling the kettle to steam some veg for Cleo, put a little bit of, my system for steaming veg, and I appreciate this is boring but it gets us to where we're talking about. System for steaming veg is put a little bit of tap water in the bottom of the pan, turn it on, boil the kettle,

so when the water hits the pan, bump, it's all ready to go. Straight away, immediately boiling water, stick the veg on top, there we go, right? However, it's a great system. However, what happened was, boil the kettle got distracted. Fungal or a producer? However, what happened was, boil the kettle, got distracted. Funk or a producer? Funk or a producer, flood the stage.

Steam streaming at your face. Ha ha ha ha. My tears were evaporating, farting like a crylin'. Ha ha ha ha ha. The opposite of what happened to Captain Oates. See. Ha ha ha ha.

In front of my eyes was like the Eden project, it really was. But yeah, got distracted and ended up basically but burning the pan and smoking the veg rather than steaming it. Oh, smoothing it. Smoked veg. It was, I thought it, I was thinking, for a second I was like, have I invented something here? Have I invented something, tasting it, just tasted a burnt stuff. a second I was like, have I invented something here? Have I invented something, tasting it, just tasting a burnt stuff? Right, I couldn't serve it to Cleo.

And I thought to myself, oh well, this is my inability to kind of own up for my own actions. I went, well if the kettle had a whistle on it or some sort of noise, like the microwave does, you know, like because the fridge if I leave the fridge on your microwave. No, but I know it's like the microwave, you know, not the microwave does, you know, like because the fridge if I leave the fridge just like the microwave. No, but I know it's like the microwave, you know, not the microwave. Yeah, but like the microwave, not only does it beep at the end, but it keeps beeping until you've taken the stuff out, every now and then it'll beep. If you open, if you leave the fridge door open, it beep, beep, beeps until you shut it. So everything is basically allowing my brain to get flabby and get weak.

And now I'm looking at the kettle going, it's your fault, not my fault, because I can't hold a thought in my head for the time it takes for a kettle to boil. I'm going, oh, it's your fault kettle. It's your fault for not going, booooo, at the end of it. And then I go, oh, of course,

I'm supposed to be pouring this boiling water on it. And it's no, it's me. It's the fact that I'll stare aimlessly at Guck's app. All right, I get distracted by an episode of Waffle the Wonder Dog or whatever it's gonna be, you the fact that I'll stare aimlessly at WhatsApp or I get distracted by an episode of Waffle the Wonder Dog or whatever it's gonna be, you know. That's a great show. The caveman's kettle didn't have a bee bonnet

or a whistle. No. No. The caveman's kettle would have just kept boiling. Absolutely, and if you didn't realize, it would have, in fact, it didn't even have the automatic switch off like the kettle has today. So it would just bubble away and you'd be left with nothing.

All your precious water. I'm almost tempted to scratch off that gauge up the side that tells me how many cups of tea I'm putting into the kettle. I'm just gonna feel it. Absolutely, Maverick. Yeah. I think the tyranny of the kettle has gone on for too long. It's weakening us.

They're going to take, you know, they're preparing us for the robot apocalypse. All the machines are making us thick. I stayed in my friend's house last week. Clarky was there. And he's electronicized, or whatever the word might be, his whole house. I don't think it's that one, but let's use it He's electronics his house. He's electronics these are going to electronics house You go in you know electronics You talk you talk to you talk to every bit of the house right and it responds, right? It's all over the shop everywhere. It's all it's's, it's, it's the wazoo, right? Apart from the bathroom, which is some kind of safe space.

Oh. He said, go and start the oven to cook breakfast. I couldn't, I physically couldn't do it. I could not do it. 15 minutes I was looking at that oven, trying to work it out. There was no. Which bit of what you took about the hobby, you took about turning, literally turning an oven on?

I wanted to turn the oven on. Sadly, when I entered the room, he was looking at the kettle. What were you going to make in the oven for breakfast? Just a bit, you know, just a bit of bacon. You're doing bacon in the oven. Yeah, when you do the big breakfast. Love it. Okay. Well, it was good. So yeah, so eventually, but I'm just saying like, God, God, he had to come in and start the oven for me because it was like black mirror is shit, man. I mean, I guess the oven is a black mirror in most people's houses. Yeah. But, but is that what the series is really about?

It's about ovens. Yeah So what's the So what's the what what what would you go to do in the Well, he came in to open oven. I Yeah, it's my to my shame I spoke to the oven Like I was, yeah, to my shame, I spoke to the other. He looked pretty like I was a fucking idiot. It was like, of course, I'm not voice actor, mate. I mean, I didn't know.

I said to my mate, is it voice actor, he was like, no, I'm never fucking the ounces. Like, you know, it's not my fault. So what, what, what, what was it you had to do? What was the, was there no dial on it? Was there no dial? There was all kinds of weird press something a dial appears, was it around, to do? Was there no dial on it? No, there was all kinds of weird press something a dial appears, was it around, but at the time,

it's just all dark. What I'm getting at is we just need to pull the plug a bit. I don't wanna go full kind of, you know, ray grills or whatever. I don't wanna go like into the fucking, I don't wanna go full captain oats, but like, sure, it is, there is a middle ground, isn't there, that we're losing. We're slipping into this kind of these, these robo labs, and I'm not saying

all saying that, but like these robo labs, they don't know where to quit, man. They, they're going mad with power. Yeah, but there should be like a, no, there should be like a committee that I don't know where we're going to go. No, I'm not. I've got to tell you, by the way, guys, as a first date, I'm actually really enjoying this. Yeah, it's not bad, is it? It's brutal in places, but, you know, we'll have a chance to regroup to our corners

in a second. But, yeah, but in that instance, though, that's just you not being able to use someone in a second. But yeah, but in that instance though, that's just you not being able to use someone else's oven. If you own that oven, you'd have a manual. You know, yeah, no, but you'd have a manual for it. You'd be able to, you'd be able to use it, wouldn't you? Is the manual an app? Probably.

Oh, he's sat back there, he's very happy with that. It's taking a deep swig of his can. I think that's what generation A will stand for. Generation apps. All right. Oh, my God. Lord, mate. Good Lord.

They may be apps. But are they happy? That's what we're asking. That's going to be the think pieces that boring old farts like us are going to write. Why, I despair of my children. When I won't practice her snooker. When I go around her house after I bring my own kettle. She's never used the tea made I bought her for a birthday.

Tees made tees made tees made tees made baby. So what's the what's the solution? Don't let your kettle boil Oh Sharp in your mind Mate, I don't I don't think you've proved that you've got a sharp You said you did that to keep your mind sharp and then you couldn't turn on another If I'm just starting to start of a process that's what I'm saying. You don't expect to start the process You don't expect to suddenly you know to turn into Vin Diesel the first day you go down the gym, do you? It's a long process for Tom.

It's going to take many, many years. Unfortunately, it's a race against time because aging is deteriorating his brain quicker than he can sharpen it by not using a kettle or using a kettle for three quarters of the time you're supposed to use it for. It's kind of like trying to sharpen a pencil that's on fire.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My candle burns brightly at both ends. And it may not last the night. It's going to be the last night. That's going to be the strapline for our body goes off tour.

Yeah. Lads, you might as well take and hold of this and by then just... I definitely won't last the night! How's meeting! Let's stop so useful for letting your feet in. How's meeting! Well there you go, that was the house meeting. Look, cross me, I have to say, I mean, you made a good point, I think, back there in the intro.

I don't want to, you know, that was completely free. We're not charging people for this episode, it's free. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, you make an interesting case. I don't make an interesting case. Yeah. I'd say, I'd say this then. Just try it for a month.

Yeah. Is that C.A. you feel? You know what? You're then carrying on. Yeah. Definitely. You know what, if carry on. Yeah, definitely. You know what, if you download it for a month, you get everything, everything we put out, even if you just pay a one-off payment for that month, you get the lot up until today.

You can download it all and then you can cancel, but I think you're going to enjoy the content so much. You're going to enjoy the content so much that you're going to think, no, I've got to hear next week's episode of Flat Share Lockdown. I've got to hear next week's bonus beef. I've got to get that jingle as a single. And it's only four quid, right? Four quid. It's not really cost me all that much. I barely notice it. You know, it's the price of a cup of coffee, you know? Break it down, it's a pound a week. It's a pound a week. What about those months when there's, you know,

there's five, five weeks in it. Less than that's about 70p. May or, okay, well, there's this. There's this, we're giving it away. Paying the heart of. Forward slash, Pappy's flat share. Join today, you will not regret it. Before we go, I'd finished by reading a lovely email.

That has been sent in by Jonathan, at poppysloucher.gmail.com. It says, making a long drive to a funeral entertaining. Hi, Tom Matthew Benenema. Just a quick message to say, thank you for keeping me entertained on a three hour solo drive to a funeral last week. Three classic house meetings down low did in preparation. The Rogue's Gallery episode, where Tom reinvents the league of extra

on Regentum and it makes it somehow worse. You have to be crying with laughter, as he refused to back down on the, there's only one pirate contention. Great, it's come by. It's so strong episode. It kept me in high spirits all the way there and I treated myself to a second listen through on the return drive later in the day. I also think that the ASMR episode from a couple of years ago might be the funniest thing I've ever listened to and cracks me up Every time

Thanks for all the entertainment over the last 12 months in particular I sent shortler message telling them they were useless for missing you off the lockdown heroes list by the way Jonathan thank you Jonathan. What a lovely message, and it means an awful lot that you had as in your e-canal on a difficult day. So we've got the complete. Two things there. Firstly, of course, sorry for your loss.

And secondly, Jonathan, it's wonderful to hear that, but put your hand in your pocket mate. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, listen, come on. Maybe he's gone hard. Maybe he's got some inheritance, I don't know. Oh, my God. Come on, it's right here. Oh, thank you. Thank you, John, for giving us your time and your e-cannails. Today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham.

Corsham. Cheers. Cheers, everyone. Bye. Bye. Listen to dear. Pay attention for the Patreon. Cheers everyone! Bye! Listen to dear, pay attention for the Patreon neighborhood watch Roll Call, exclusively this summer. By one, get one free, I'm talking about Paul Velocity.

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You're in a dark room. There's a light switch. There's a payford. Use the pay for it. Just lay burned. I want to go into the dark. Can we just take a pay for it again? Was it with the northern, was it with the northern train? There's a pay for it. There's a pay for it. Buy one. Then get on your pay for there's a pay for Buy one then get on your pay for and see if your friend all that you go around there else and go into their dark room Now you're in someone else's dark room when you found a trap door you go down the trap door into a basement And you know what your friends been killing people for funs. Oh, no, yes, they're out in by bodies

And you'll be dead soon just tell cat mums been killing people for funds. Oh no, you're surrounded by bodies. Are you all be dead soon? Just tell Catmonds. Just tell her. Just tell her. You gotta tell her. You gotta tell her. Tell her. It's too late. I'm buying one. I'm selling one. I'm catching one. I'm lobbing one. And I'm throwing it to Django Robinson. That concludes today's picture. A neighborhood watcher call. All names of Red Outward Patrons and then we're Red Out Today. Okay, terms and conditions apply. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, we guys, okay, okay Okay, I'm gonna read that today You read that today The offer is now closed

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