Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Chicken and Cheese) S13E12

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. We'll have the usual - Chicken, Cheese and HairsprayPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello. Hello there, Clarky. How you doing, man? I'm good, thank you. How you doing, buddy? I'm all right, thanks very much. You've just been feeding the ducks. Having a lovely time. Oh, lovely. Yeah, very fun. What do you feed them?

Duck food. We've got bought special duck food. Because this is someone who knows, I guess. I'd be at a loss, personally. Well, no, you're not supposed to do bread, but I don I'd be at a loss, personally. Well, no, you're not supposed to do bread, but I don't know what else you're supposed to do. Yeah, it makes seeds and stuff like that, but we've bought sort of specific duck food,

because we get ducks in our back garden. You see, we've got some, what the light? There's a love triangle. If you can call it a love triangle, there's two ducks, Fred and Lolo, who are named by our neighbors, because they obviously they saw the ducks first. They are sort of a couple. They're a male duck and a female duck and they're

a couple and they hang out. But this year a new dude Rodney has joined and he is very into Lolo and obviously Fred's not having it. So basically what happens is we see Fred and Lolo, we feed them a little bit, then Rodney shows up and they just chases the pair of them around the garden. It's very penny hill. It's very sort of 1970s. And it's not great. It's not great for anyone concerned really, but I still feed them.

They're still God's creatures. Not bread because you get the rats coming. Yeah. And I talked about my problem with rodents in the house already, in the semi-rabe episode of Beef Brothers. We don't need to go back through that, but the last thing we need is rats. No, yeah. They're big old bastards.

I thought I saw a rat the other day, but it was a squirrel, but it had a bear tail. The tail of a bear? Yeah, yeah, my goodness. The tail of cocaine bear. It's a very true tail impact. The true tail of cocaine bear. Now, all of the fluffiness was just for something that happened to it. It was stripped off.

And I would say, Inner Squirrel, 95% of its cuteness, comes from the fluffytale. I didn't realise it. I love squirrels. It was my favourite animal I've talked about that before. But with a bare tale, they're a little harder to love.

But I still love them anyway. Feed them to the squirrel food, I bought off the internet, and let them get on with it. Anyway, this is an episode of House Meeting. Tom is involved in this episode of House Meeting, even though he's not on the introduction. He's still away on assignment, but we recorded a bunch of these, like sort of back to back over about three or four days. So they kind of get, I feel like I'm looking through the titles of them, and the titles are no help to me as to what they mean or what they are. No, we had a little pre-record discussion as to try and figure out what the title meant and what... Yeah, no clue. Absolutely no clue whatsoever.

What have you seen? Zero clue. What have you seen? Sorry, I've got a real, got something in. You've got a squirrel in your throat. I think it's the duck food. The duck food. I had a little nibble myself and it's good.

You've got it down the wrong pipe. You've got it down the line by yourself, some human food. Got it. Some hewle. That's what I need, these are hool. Anyway, I've got no idea what this, what happens in this episode. So it's gonna be a real voyage of discovery for you

and for us. Something to do with chicken, something to do with cheese, something to do with hair. That's the notes I've got. Let's find out. If you enjoy what we do, and you would like to support us and keep this podcast

on the main feed free then go to our Patreon Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flatshare, join our Patreon and you can get a free bonus episode every single week of our Flatshare pop round. You get bonus beefs so the Celia A.B. beef is just going on on our Patreon. You can listen to that now bonus beefs from all I guessia A.B. beef is just gone up on our Patreon. You can listen to that. Now bonus beefs from all I guess, you get everything immediately. The second you join, you get every bonus episode straight away. So if you wanted to, I've said this before, you could join, download everything and leave, but we don't want you to do that. No, no.

Also, if you find the back catalogue intimidating, you're fine just to just to come in cold. You're still enjoying yourself. Absolutely, they're very, you know, I would say everything we do is pretty simple stuff. You're picking up in no time. You'll get what he is. You'll get what he is.

You'll get what he is. You'll get what he is. You'll get what he is. It's three guys talking absolute cobblers. Speaking of three guys talking about cobblers, Um, speaking of three guys talking about cobblers, let's have a listen to this episode of House Meeting and find out what the bloody hell it's all about. Enjoy it.

I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want a chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat. Has meeting, meeting, meeting. What temperature should we set the heat? Has meeting. Why on earth am I always weeping? Has meeting.

Who went my bed while I was sleeping? Has meeting. What's the point? Does life have a meeting? Has meeting. So yesterday I had to take my poor little kid to the urgent care, which seems to be a very popular trip. I'm making quite a lot of the moment, the trip to the urgent care, with either one of my little kids. Has it become a local for you now? Do they like you and your knowing look?

I've got a loyalty card, yeah. When I get there, they're like, oh yeah, you again. You again. I think the usual. Yeah, it always is as well. It's always the same thing. Slide your prescription down the counter to you. So.

Oh man, when you see that happening, the drink down the bar, there's just nothing cooler. Have you ever seen it happen in real life? Has it ever happened in real life? No, it's certainly one of those instances that you kind of anticipated adult life being full of when you're a kid.

Yeah, absolutely. And it hasn't really fulfilled on its promise. Having a usual generally is not a thing. I don't really have a usual anywhere, apart from in my house, but that doesn't count. But yeah, the idea that you would walk into a place and be like, be a me. They would slide a beer down the, you'd chug it in one. I don't think it would work. No, I know. I think in a British pub, a bar maps are the scourge of the slide.

Is that why they're there to stop the slide? Because so many people weren't quick enough and the points were going off the end of the bar. Is there a place in the market for a sort of air hockey-type designed tabletop for your bar? You have the kind of air coming through it and the little, those tiny holes to assist the slide. The pint is mounted on a very thin puck, basically. The bottom of the pint pot is a very thin puck that just levitates slightly and you can slide it off. I love pint pot, by the way.

Do you like pint pot? Do you like pint pot? I think, you know, I don't even pint pot. But yeah, so that's the other end of it. It's like the sliding down or the kind of put apart with your name on it. Oh yeah, I was possibly with like a flip top on the like a little, like an old-fashioned beerstein, yeah.

Don't dig on the idea about drinking out of metal much though. No. Do you know that? Is it a taste, a taste of metal? If you're like, whatever you're drinking, he's going to be imbued with the slightly, you know, where the incredibly metallic taste of metal. Can't I just say, more metallic?

Can't I just say the slightly metallic taste of metal? I'm pretty much just kidding. Not really. What else is more metallic? What else is more metallic than metal? What's more metallic than metal? Which, by the way, it's the name of my new metal album coming out. It's not bad actually.

What's got a more metallic taste than the taste of metal? Track one side one. But the good thing about the puck is that you can take one sip of it and go, oh I think it points off, straight back to the other counts. Straight back. Yeah. Maybe that's why they don't want it. You think that's the difference?

It's the difference. I don't want it between turns. I'd love it though. I think if I'm drinking a beer and it doesn't taste quite right, I assume that it's either me or the, or it's just the way the beer's supposed to taste and I still drink it. Mate, I'm the exact say, I was just about to say the exact same thing.

Yeah, there's a certain establishment in town that I go to quite often and I always, I just think they just do bad points, man. But I'm not. I'm gonna carry on going and I'm not gonna say that. Yeah, that's even worse than what Tom is doing. Where he hasn't got the guts to return it. You have not only got the guts to no longer come there there you keep showing up again. So yeah and I'm going to put the usual for you. I say a guy comes in and drinks this bad pint every

time. It's unusual. It is the unusual. Here he comes. Let's give him a memento. Let's give him the one that we've all flobbed in. Yeah, I've done it with wine. How about that with a pub here? Yeah. Was it corked? Is that the thing we wine when they're caught? I think it was oxidized, I think it was the problem I had with the wine. But basically, you know, if you order a glass of wine for a place that doesn't sell

a tremendous amount of wine, the chances are they'll open that bottle three days ago. You know, it's not going to be easy. It's not going to be nice. So you often get this thing where they pour it out and you go, well, this has been kept pretty badly. This is basically malt vinegar now. Yeah, exactly. I remember doing a gig in a student union in Manchester and having a, I don't know why I asked. I said, I'll cover Red Wine, please. And just the look on the guy's face when I ordered it first was like, I don't know if we can do that. I'm not sure. And then he found it like in the back of the cupboard and it was three quarters. It was a screw cap. A screw cap that was three quarters. It was a screw cap. It was a screw cap that was three quarters full

already and I was like, you know what, it's fine. Basically, I'm just never to have a UKD. Yeah, I mean, it would, I'd be delighted if it fortified itself, but no, it was, yeah, it was more like red wine vinegar. It was grim. But yeah, I just, I just said, look, that's fine. Just like, I'll stand at the end of the counter. You slide it down to me. It snagged on a beer mat. I've got three of those bottles next to my oven that I say.

I'm gonna cook with those. Oh, you're cooking wine now. But now, because I've got a two year old, I don't really cook with wine. Yeah. So they've been there about a year and a half now. And also, if you're gonna cook with wine, cook with wine. So they've been there about a year and a half now. And also if you're going to cook with wine, cook with wine, you don't cook with like wine, you know, you don't

really do it with other ingredients, do you? Will you go, I'll tell you what, those potatoes that are all multi, I'll stick them into that, I'll stick them into that, I'll stick it in my chair there, Ratch. I'll stick it in my chair. It's the fuck with me. There's no bigoties just like, oh yeah. It's my cooking mince. Oh, my God, my wife's a crazy man. Which is his metal album. I did that for a while and then I was like, well, I've got nice bottles of wine in the house. If you're cooking with wine, you know, if you're making a spag bowl and you're popping like, well, I've got nice bottles of wine in the house. If you're cooking with wine, you know,

if you're making a spag bowl and you're popping some wine in, then just have the rest of the wine. Open a new bottle, stick 250 mil of it into the, you know, stick a large glass into the meal, drink the rest of the bottle, live a little, enjoy yourself. That thing of keeping the dregs of wine, I've done the same thing. Also, as well, recently I got rid of those bottles.

I got rid of a couple of bottles of what I was going to cool cook in wine. And it was like, they turned to be like, like paper inside. Like big old flakes of like papi amasher, it's like sediments. I just poured in, I was like, I could have poured this into a really nice meal and totally ruined it. It is my issue, I think., I could have poured this into a really nice meal and totally ruined it. Here's my issue, I think.

It's something to do with the vessels because a bottle of wine feels pretty substantial as an object. Feels like a real, it's the real deal, you know. You can't go around it. It's all school. You're up to the blind marketing board,. It's fucking, it's old school. You're at the wine marketing board, don't you tell me? It's old wine.

No, you're a kind of old school. It's the real deal. It's old school, it's real. It's not gone anywhere and it still impresses. It dives in excite. It's done in the game. It's done in the game. Yeah.

No, but I totally agree. Because you don't see a lot of, like, obviously back in the day when we were kids, glass milk bottles were the thing right? Everyone was drinking milk out of a glass bottle nice cold ice cold milk. You saw the adverts for it Tom did the adverts The real deal. It's the real deal. Yeah I mean Stanley the real deal I'd love to see a madman's my show Where one guy's where guy's got one slogan

Yeah, that's the thing so it's just lucky strike the real deal He walked into Times Square like he's at the top of the tree. He walks into Times Square, and there's like, adverts for all these different products that all say it's the real deal. Then suddenly the phone starts ringing. He made his money fast. He even lost his faster. He's gonna get the fuck out of touch But sad men mad men something I'm saving for a rainy day that I know I'll never get ready to that's I've kind of made my Peace with that. No, I'm gonna stay on something brilliant. Yeah, have you not watched it? I thought you watched it no

I've dipped my toe in I've seen the I've seen odds and sods It's clearly good. I'm not the same show That was an ITV sitcom from 1973. That's not count. That's bunkers, man. It is the thing, right, I'd say. I think it's got something to do with set dressing for school plays.

Like a bottle of wine is the kind of shit that would be a set dressing for a school play. It's the real deal. Yeah, it's the real pro. But it's got currency, do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's so true. Especially when you're in the sixth form and you would, obviously, not doing school

and activity plays anymore, but you're doing like, it would never be ever seen where there was a dinner party. Larger because you cast a player that was full of people. You had to cast a player that had like a cast of 15 or 20 anyway, so that you've got a lot of people involved and it wasn't just for two people. Yeah, that reminded me that I did a scene where... But a memory.

But a memory of a school play, it was called Penny for a Song. I remember nothing about it. I think even as I was performing it, I didn't understand what the play was about, who my character was, and what any of the jokes meant. But one of the scenes was I had to have a picnic. And obviously in all the rehearsals, we just hadn't, didn't use real food. And then when it got to the actual play, the actual night, the first night, not even a dress rehearsal, but the first night, there was real food. Oh no. So exciting. So they were saying, I was like, no, I wasn't it, you can't handle.

Well, I don't, I don't, weirdly, I can eat it. Because that, yeah, that's right. My, my weird, I guess it's a phobia is that I can't see people eating on stage. It makes me, yeah. Yeah, that's not a fetish. I can't see people eating on stage. You can watch people eat on the television. I can sit across from the table from somebody and eat dinner with someone, but I can't see someone eating on stage. It

makes me wretch. It's so odd, I don't know why. That's for her. It's not about that. But if I had been in the audience, I would have absolutely hated this because there was real food. And of course, when you see the real food, you don't just sit there with the real food. I'll give this a bit of verisimilitude, I'll tuck right in, I'll really get into it. And it was a roast chicken. Oh, yes.

No, not bad. You've got to have a roast. You've got to have a roast with poultry. If you're going to be bringing poultry to the picnic, at least in the dress, you've gotten to deal with it in the dress. You've got to bring the poultry in. That's the age-old rule of theatre. Well, it's a fish.

And bring poultry to the, you've got to bring your poultry to the dress. But also a big old lump of, a big old lump of cheese. What's classic dinner? You're a big old lump of cheese. You're co-said. Say it's chocolate grayment. Chicken and cheese. Chicken and cheese. That should have been the title. Never mind what's it called going for a song?

Penny for a song, yeah. Chicken and cheese. Chicken and cheese. Chicken and cheese. Better title. I definitely go see a play called Chicken and Cheese. Make sure to watch on the way through. No, I'm just saying they're eating it. It could be a kids play. I guess it's Hunter's chicken, isn't it? Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Apologies, apologies everyone. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I didn't realise that I'm such a dramatic effect on the momentum. I didn't understand what you, I'm so sorry, I didn't understand what you meant. What is someone with a car yesterday? What's Hunter's chicken? A Hunter's chicken is a chicken breast wrapped in bacon with cheese on top. Is that right? I've never even heard a Hunters chicken. Why don't you eat in a barbecue?

No, I'm not. But now I have barbecue sauce. It's the title of the episode. It's there with a bullet, mate. Anyway, sorry. Basically, I was going down the route of does chicken and cheese go together. I was kind of like,

do you have chicken and cheese sandwiches? Well, you don't really. Well, it sounds quite nice. And then I kind of landed on your order of hundreds chicken. You can imagine a chicken burger with cheese, couldn't you? If someone's so chicken burger with cheese, you wouldn't, you wouldn't complain about that, would you? Exactly.

And if someone said it, if someone said it at the box office of the national, you're buying tickets. Chicken and cheese. So, my opera, two for chicken and cheese please. Cue in all day for those tickets. Right. It's got to be our ambition now.

It's a race to see who can get away a genuine project that's called Chicken and Cheese. Okay. It's a race to see. To be honest, the project itself has to be called Chicken and Cheese because I'm working on a script today and I'll happily put the phrase Chicken and Cheese in there. Yeah, okay.

Let's try and get chicken and cheese in where we can. If I can get chicken and cheese past the producers, I'll do my best. I'll try and get into my project as well. All right, let's try it out. I'll also try and do something. Clark is going to eat some chicken and cheese. That's an almost guarantee. I can't very quiet when you were like,

I really have chicken and cheese to get the dough. Yeah, it's the dough. I literally had that half an hour ago from the breakfast. I have loads of it like piled up next to the cooker to throw in until we're the ingredient. Clark, he goes into a KFC and says, the usual and they slide it down the counter, don't they? And the grease does the work there, doesn't it? You look hockey back on.

That's one place you really can. You can really slide it down the counter. So I was tucking away into this chicken and cheese, nibbling away. Obviously I hadn't factored in, you've got to say your lines as well, so it's a bit sort of, you know, like it was, I was bitten at a food over and proportionally

as I was trying to, as I was trying to eat it. And then I came off stage and I felt rotten. I felt really, really bad. And I said, oh God, I feel really sick. And they were like, you're not supposed to eat the food. And I was like, but it's real food. And I was like, yeah, but because it was understaged, like, we sprayed it with hairspray. And I never even heard of this. But like see, yeah, the backstage team, the art department, and got this lump of cheese,

sprayed it with a load of lorry l. Say it with old, you know, say it with old roast chicken. Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, What? This place is going to have a funny third act. The common time is going to die. Nobody else is eating either. He's eating the Chekhov's chicken. Oh no! Chekhov's chicken and cheese. He will go off in the third act. He went off for three days straight. They stretched me out. The odd department said, before they put me in the ambulance, they said, don't worry, spray me entirely with hair spray and I was fine.

It's just like, imb-imbarmed chicken. I've always saying this, Matthew, you have had a fine head of hair ever since. Oh, you need to talk only anywhere that hair, is it? Maybe you've stumbled on the agreement, you never want caffeine shampoo. Yeah, I've got a fine head of hair and I do have to comb my teeth every morning, but I've popped from that. No side effects. How do they make bread no wheat in half-eat-eat?

I hated it, absolutely hated it, awful. I could still remember it now. And it's really put me off the taste of hairspray ever since. I've never gone back, I've never gone back. How do we get onto this? yeah I was in the doctors last night oh of course what do you eat this wasn't me this time what do you what you give me kid to eat It's moose, right? Yeah, it's not chocolate moose. What's for pudding? Oh, the moose. Hunt is moose. He's hair moose still a thing, because I always thought it was a bit of a swiss.

Of course you did. Well, you can't. It's a bit of a swiss. Yeah, of course you did. Well, you can't. It's just the best. It's the best thing. You stick it on and you have a judge's wig of hair.

You go out on a rainy day and it will just disappear within seconds. Just nice on my hair. And the wig goes. Yeah. Just nice on my head. And the way it goes. Yeah. What else have you got to be with comes? It felt to me like the sensation of the mousse, put it on. It was kind of like almost like a childish joy of that. Yeah.

Over what it actually does to your hair going in as a mousse. You don't think it gave you the maximizing volume. I don't believe that. I think it recreates the sensation of whipped cream so everyone loves it. Yeah. And that's it. And I think you're going to say it could easily be what? What do you think it should have been? It could have been a cream. It could have been a- It's different consistency though. It could have been a liquid, isn't it?

A most dissolves into your hair, and that's what was good about- But as soon as it goes into your hair, it's gonna become liquid again, isn't it? No, no, no. It's a stay moosey in there. No, it's not supposed to stay moosey. It immediately becomes, it goes down in your heart. It hardens, that was, I suppose. Yeah, it is. It's. Stay moosey in there. No, it's not supposed to stay moosey. It immediately becomes, it goes down to get hardens.

It hardens, well, I suppose it is. It is. It is a styling moose. But you get the joy of the delivery of the moose that goes. Shh. Oh. And then you, ooh, but then it becomes what it would have been. What I liked about moose, you could slick your hair

sort of back and up, which is why it was my sort of preferred thing in the, in the kind of 80s. Back it up. Like, yeah, but like, like, you're about to combing your hair. No back, but hi, I mean, as opposed to sticking it back. I suppose you're going to be actually like a like a door wedged there. I can't play. What's that?

How the bottom of it? heaven and fast, yeah. No, but like, as in, as in, oh, back and high, back and high as opposed to back and flat to the head, Gordon Gecko style, you know, back and high. But it would, it would look like your hair would look when it was dry. It wouldn't look, didn't have the wet look of gel. But it would still maintain the shape, I thought.

That was the good thing about a hair moose. I loved it, because I didn't like the consistency, I didn't like the tackiness of gel, I didn't like the thing that if you touched your hair, it would either crispy, or you would run your fingers to it and it would be tacky, whereas moose, the good thing about it was, it disappeared, but you could feel the effects.

That was my experience of moose. Hair sprayer found too crispy as well, you know feel the effects. That was my experience of moose. Hair sprayer found too crispy as well, you know, or, you know, I mean, I'll see. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Broke the chickens get out beautifully. I just think I bet, like actually the whole hair industry is, it is a bit insane, isn't it really? Yeah.

You were right to get out when you did. Yeah. It's the real deal, he said, well, he shaved his head. I've come back to take it down. What do you mean it's insane? The fact that there's so many different, to be different prods. Yeah. I'm with Tom on this. I do think that there's so many different products and kind of it feels like your hair's your hair.

A bit. The like odd, this will do this to your hair. This will make your hair like this. This will make your hair like that. It's like, no, your hair's your hair, man. I think once you find your prod though, I think once you find the thing that works for you. But there's nature's prod, isn't there?

That's the thing, isn't it? That's right, yeah, yeah. There's also nature's prod, which is,'s the thing is right. Yeah, yeah, there's also there's also nature's nature's prod which is Which is the real deal Nature's prod the real deal Think I've cracked it yeah, there you go you crack till appetizing top draper The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was hair gel Nature's broad. It does, it does do its work, it does do something. You know, what we, what were you, you're

a, a pomade type guy, weren't you, or a wax guy? Yeah, I mean, only in later on in my hair career, as an early hair career. Wet look gel. 16. Yeah, as a 14-year-old kind of depressingly having to get into hair styling and not really knowing what I was doing, it was wet look gel. What do you have? The kind of French crop, is that what you had? Centipartid curtains. Oh yeah, centipartid curtains with the forwards and down. Same haircut as my sister. Same haircut as my sister.

Same haircut as my sister, yeah. For about two years, we had the same haircut really, because she was going for like a short bob centip partied and I was kind of going for wet look, centiparted down on my forehead. Yeah. And did you, did you have an undercut? Yeah, definitely at times, yeah. Yeah.

Aspired to have an undercut, as did my sister, we were kind of going for it. And this was when mining clarkies kind of early friendship was forged in the fires of wet luck gel. Really? Yeah, yeah. That kind of time. That kind of time. But it's forged and extinguished by the wet luck gel.

Because we were both grappling with hair that wasn't naturally due when we were trying to get it to do in order to kind of fit in with a style that I don't think we really understood. You just have to keep going with the wet look like you just watch your in you're in. Yes, yes slam, slathering it on. I mean wet look gel steeped so far but going back. But the stickiest carrying on. McQuiff. Did you? Out, damn gel. They used to do like in the pound shop,

they used to do like enormous tubs. Yeah, absolutely. Spirming green kind of. Yeah, exactly. And I thought of all gelies. Also because it was from the pound shop, it wasn't that effective anyway. So you got to use like three times as much.

Yes, you may as well have bought a smaller tub for a sort of slightly more expensive price than by the absolute bath tub that you used to buy from the pound shop, which I used to as well. By the bath tub, you get two great big fistfuls of it, stick it on your hair and just hope for the hope for the best I do I do know what you mean your hair kind of does what it wants to do basically doesn't it unless you really tame it if it rained

You sweat running for the bus or something then into your eyes on your collar Yeah, just the gray drip down the face It'll grim grim thing. That's what I'm talking about, it's all just grim, you know. Or it would dry, when it would dry out, if it was like, if it was like not, it would be, it would like turn to dust. So it would become dusty and flaky as well. And look like Dandruff, yeah, there's some,

some year nine kids telling you you've got Dandruff and it's like, no, it's wet, look, gel. And then it's like, it's hard and like like a shell like you'd kind of touch the top of your head like that. It feel like you were a fucking shellfish. Really weird. Give your head a bit of extra salt. Really fucking grim stuff. You're sticking these fucking chemicals on your head to try and be accepted at school. Just get rid of it, eradicate it all. Well you did. I'm not accepting in every school.

Well, when I got them then obviously went to Union, found DAX, which was... DAX, fuck, the stuff. The stuff, as well, didn't it? That kind of pomade, kind of, which was good stuff around the time of Obrotherware Art, that kind of... Dapper Dan, of course, yeah. But that was kind of the,

that would be like, oh, that would it, yeah, that, like, getting ready for a night out, so you'd put a little bit of dax on your hair, it was really fucking sticky stuff that boy. And expensive as well, like £3.80 a tin, kind of deal. Yeah, that would last for ages. I think I genuinely think I've still got a pot. Yeah, I bet.

I tell you what, I bet if you're under width of that, if you have a width of that, you'll be immediately transported back to being 22. I'm just waiting for a ball of nays to put it all in. That's my cooking. It might crop you round. That's my cooking. It might crop you round.

Do you think anyone's got a hair podcast that's like haircuts that you've had and talking about it? Is it too visual immediate? It feels like it feels more like a YouTube channel, doesn't it? To be talking through your old haircuts. It would be audacious if I tried to open a YouTube channel. Well that's it, you know like when you see, have you ever had your hair cut by a bald person? I know that's not great question.

It's a bit like the best footballers don't necessarily make the best coaches. You don't necessarily have to have a good hair cut to be a good hairdresser, but it's reassuring isn't it? So it's a YouTube channel where I cut a minus celebrity's hair and ask them about their old haircuts, but the YouTube channel's called Chicken and Cheese.

Yeah, that's right. Okay. Yeah, I think it's a good plan. YouTube.com forged our chicken and cheese, and it's you and I'm at your hairdresser, who's a tremendous amount of enthusiasm cutting the hair of a variety of, I think it wants to be, you know, you want to shoot for the moon, you want to go for your Amanda Holden, so it's

kind of a big top, top, top, top, top for our ship. That's good for the moon, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you want to get to your top, your top flight entertainers is what you want to get. The good thing about a manry, she hasn't got a woke hair on her head. I really love that about her, really love that about her. flight entertainers is what you want to get. The good thing about a Mandarin she hasn't got a woke hair on her head. She won't have a line finish further anyway. She wants some chicken and cheese. Eat enough of cocktail stick. In some weird combination isn't it?

When you get your hair cut these days are you boys into the kind of Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz do that. But it's the full, like they wash your hair, they put you in a massage chair, which I always enjoy. What? What? Yeah. Sitting a massage chair. You're sitting a massage chair and get your hair washed. Yeah. That's the first step of having that hair. Oh, I love the hair. No, it's quite an odd one because it's always, you never know whether to be eyes closed or eyes open, both feel bad. Totally, totally. Eyes closed feels like you're enjoying it too much. Wait too much, yeah. But eyes open, you don't want to be looking to make contact. Straight up. Really difficult. You just go cross eye, don't you? Which is even worse? Yeah, I close one eye. I close one eye and I stick my tongue out like the emoji.

Choose your emoji and then stick to it. Well by the time I come out it's the big turn with eyes. But yeah, that is actually pretty much the shape of my hair actually. Has Beating. It's having subtitles on a foreign film cheek. Do you have a usual at the hairdressers? Do they slide the scissors down the bar? When you arrive now, do they know, oh Mr. Crosby's here, giving the usual.

Well I go to the same guy. I go to the same guy, is it different person doing the massage chair and wash? Yeah because they quit immediately after it's every time, would you? I'm not doing him again. I'm not doing him again. I'm not doing him again. I'm not doing him again. New massage chair, every time they set fire to it every time he leaves. So yeah, so does your hair dress and know you well? Is it like a case of you going into spring? So you're rising, it's like a bit more off the top than usual, Mr. Grasmy?

Yeah, I do have that relationship with Jackson, yeah, yeah, that's cool. That's cool, Jackson. Yeah, it's good, I like it. He does a decent job. I don't go as often as I should, because I'm quite happy having very long hair, so I don't really go as often as I probably should do, but yeah, it's a good thing.

I'm living my carelessly through you in this world. So I guess I do have the usual, because that's the same, I have the same, pretty much the same haircut every time, just goes from short to long. Yeah, so follow question, does Jackson listen? Is he a listener dear? Does he listen to the radio show?

Does he know of your work? I don't read, no, I don't really talk about that sort of thing. I keep those things separate, I think. Yeah, because, I don't really talk about that sort of thing. I keep those things separate, I think. Yeah, because it's good to get awkward in the chair, can't it? So what do you think you do? You think I'm a writer, which is true. So.

But no, I keep those two parts of my, you know, I don't think there's, like I think it's quite a good way to operate on any of these things is to treat them as if nobody that you know personally listens to them. Do you know what I mean? Podcast the radio, any of that kind of thing. I think it's better just to kind of go,

let's just start talking. Otherwise you end up second guessing yourself for, it's going on, I won't say that just in case that person is or this person is. And you know what? It stood me in pretty good stead because it's, I've never ever had a person who I know personally with, except for my brother Luke Crosby mentioned anything that's ever happened on one of the podcasts. I think it's fair to say people like, people who know me personally have no interest in hearing any more of me. I've just been reminded of a story.

And I imagine I have told this on the pod before, but you remember when my dad went for a haircut in Wolverhampton, and got chatting to the barber about his family and he mentioned that his son does comedy. Yeah. So he said, my son does comedy. And the barber said, oh, I've just been to Edinburgh to the festival. I saw two shows. I saw and it's so, do you, you saw Jimmy Car? That's right. I saw Jimmy Car, who obviously was brilliant. And then I saw a really weird show

that I just thought was awful. But then that's the fringe, I guess. You get to see all kinds of shows. What was his name? And it was Matthew. Yeah. Yeah, it was unbelievable, unbelievable. He got the picture to two things. It's in the big two. And also it wasn't even that he didn't ruin my name. He said, oh, he just talked about Nando's for the entire time. That's right, yeah. And your dad went, oh, was that Matthew Krosbjörn?

That's it. Oh, awful. Terrible. What are the chances of that happening? Yeah, pretty stunning. What are the chances of your dad thoroughly agreeing with him? That was a worst bit. The only problem he had is that Nando's

don't put cheese on the chicken. That was the other news. This is it. I was so glad I didn't whole show about nandos. I just left out the crucial ingredient. Didn't call it chicken and cheese. Didn't call it chicken and cheese to 2011. What do we have?

Clarkey, what's your hair cutting experience these days? A slightly more no frills than no washing of the hair. No washing, which I always of the hair. After washing. Which I always think is quite a bold choice. So, I mean, I make the effort to wash before I go. Why prefer that? I find all of it quite awkward in a bar. Keep the price down as well, I imagine.

Yeah, yeah, it's very, very reasonable where I go. But still, you know, I take it's kind of like in the mid, it's in the mid range, it's not, it's not like super cheap either. And then they, I think they're great. Using they're great. Yeah, I think they're great. Okay, interesting.

Um, do you have the usual? Do they know you? I tell you what, last time I went in, the guy, I, I, um, I capitulated slightly and and he he just told me what I was gonna have and I was like yeah okay wow wow yeah he was just like how about you need yeah he was just like this this this and I went yep and it's that to your head. It looks good. No, it does, yeah. I mean, it was a problem.

I'd love that I normally have. Yeah, that's kind of what I need, because I at last that. Every single time. Like, I'd love that. I'd love that. I'd love that.

I'd love that. I'd love someone saying, just wear that today, or you're going to look like this. This is, this is the style and it works. It's so parting, yeah, yeah. I would just be like, yes bloody please. I just remember as well, when we were about to do our first TV pilot for Channel 4, the Papi's Funk Up pilot, I needed a haircut before it, but we didn't have that, we had so little

money, I didn't have any money. So I went to the cheapest place. I went to a branch of supercuts. And I think it was like seven quid to have your hair cut, supercuts. And it was in like a shopping center. It was just like, oh, it was bad. And like I knew, I knew I'd made a mistake when they got out and this is how they cut my hair

They didn't use a pair of scissors at all. They got a razor blade on a stick What? Like you would get in prison Prison style Prison style, exactly They shivered me, they shivered my hair And they just put up the fancy way to do it And they bring out the razor blade, it's like hello. Yeah, but maybe a bit, but not the whole thing.

The whole thing to be fair. If they also washed you with a sponge on a stick, then... They turned the hose on me, the right hose. Do you think this is why we didn't get picked up for the series because the hair was so bad? No, I had a fucking Shawshank haircut before. They delozed to me as well. Is that a normal process? Delousing?

That was just what Channel 4 did, that's what it was. Leveled us into the studio. My low-estead with a... I can still remember I was doing a show in a TV studio and the make-up artist asked me if she, if I wanted to, my bald spot to be dusted. She said, you want me to salt and pepper your, you know, I could give it a bit of that and shed like this shake and she was like, I shake it over and just to take the edge off your bald spot, that's when I realised. They have like basically grains of fake hair in a can that they can shake over your head like a kind of like like, well like, yeah,

like sort of pepper. Yeah, and then it takes the edge off the spot. And you don't want to be getting that kind of realisation just before you're going on screen. Yeah, the sweat starts to be done. I imagine if I watch that back, it's just the glazed expressions of a man who knows that he's entered the autumn of his years. And that kind of took the edge off my performance, I think, somewhat. Yeah. Was that, um, what was it called? It was called Fast and Loose. It was the... Fast and Loose, that was it, yeah. Impro-sharing, yeah of course of course. Uh, Fast and Loose, what a show. I didn't feel very fast and loose after that.

I wasn't tired. Fast and Loose skimmed. It's what they renamed him when they saw it, yeah. I wasn't yes-ending anyone. I was perhaps after a lie down in people. Oh dear but yeah well now I can just live my carelessly through you know you guys are living the dream in some ways you've got where we started you've got a usual you've got you've got a where we start, you've got a usual, you've got a local, with the usual, you know, and it, but it's, it's in the hairdressers. It's just not, it's just not be a, it's hair. And I, my own, I, my own local now, it's a, it's a, it's a, I go to the bathroom and give myself the usual. Come on.

What's up? Shortback and Well, there it is. There it is now. We know. Now we know the answer. Clarky. We know what it's all about. Yeah. And of course, so do you guys. Yeah, very enjoyable. It was too. I mean, we didn't listen to it.

We had to listen to it. We were recording this straight away after recording the intro. We got no idea. And, I mean, who knows? Maybe I'll never listen to it. I mean, there's a very good chance, as far as I'm concerned. I've got a life, man. I've got stuff to get on with. I've got a record, more of these.

I do wonder if maybe, and this is only just occurred to me, maybe when I'm like, old in the tooth, I'll go back then, and listen back, because a little time capsules. I'm lucky, I've seen your teeth mate. Did I have to on the video? When I'm bleeding in the gums, when I'm bad of the breath, then I'll go back. No, I know what you mean. Do you think that's something you'll do is you'll go back through them like your old

memoirs? Yeah, I think I might do. I mean, the problem is, at this stage, I don't enjoy listening to myself one bit, but I think the feeling's mutual mate. Ha ha ha ha. We're just lucky, because I just don't think it really late to speak.

Ha ha ha ha ha. It's up for a reason. For your benefit and for mine, it turns out. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. But I think one that when I grow up I'll probably be like, oh yeah. Did you say when I grow up? When I grow up. Yeah.

Lucky mate, you're 42 aren't you? I'm 41 mate. I'm sorry. Sorry, which case? In which case I stand corrected. I actually pegged it to 42 year old man but of course you're a 41 year old boy. Basically, I'm basically a teenager, yeah, absolutely. Anyway, Clarke's got to go because he's got to make his mates on his razor scooter.

So, we've been let him get off. He's got a new fidgets video he wants to show them. And that Tamagotchi will not feed itself. So, thanks for listening everybody. I've got some Tamagotchi food online. I've got you going to ask the only way to feed them. The only way to feed them. Right, thanks for listening everybody. We will see you next week for another fantastic episode of Pappy's Flat Share. In the meantime, take care of yourselves. This episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team! Cheers everyone! Hello!

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