Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Clarky’s been going to the gym) S14E42

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

Tom, Ben and Matthew slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. Come on, we've got coffees, it's exercise time! Crosby on Never Mind The Buzzcocks - https://m.ok.ru/video/3342079035905Come and see Flatshare Slamdown live2nd December Christmas Show - Underbelly Boulevard - https://pappyscomedy.com/live/Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of the podcast that we like to call Pappy's Flat Share House Meeting. House Meeting! Big yawn, Matthew, Ben, Tom. Unbelievable. You know what?

You know what you could have done is you could have yawned like under your breath and let one of us talk. I mean, you know, I'm through it. I'm no stranger to feeling dead air. I never stopped shut. I never stopped rabbiting away. But yeah, you went you went for you yawned straight through it. You ever straight through it? Did you have a restless night last night, Tom? Always a restless night. But also we've just recorded the wonderful podcast, which means most of the oxygen in

my shed has been used up. So we didn't have a lovely time. You forget this. You know, often you're on a timer because of the amount of time you can speak on zoom. Tom is literally it's a life or death situation. If I tell a lengthy anecdote I could kill Tom. That explains a lot then. He might as well be in an upturned boat in the middle of the Pacific.

But all is not lost everyone because today we have a lovely episode we had a really fun conversation but before, we should talk about the Patriot. Let's have a word about the patron shell because look, we bung this stuff out on the, uh, on the free feed, uh, every week, but also, uh, every Thursday we put out a second podcast, uh, called flat share pop round that can only be accessed if you support our work on the Patreon and we really can't do this stuff without your support so if you like what we do get along to patreon.com forward slash Pappi's Flat Share and for the price of an

exercise coffee a month, well we haven't talked about that yet, the price of a coffee. That's a little teaser. That's a little teaser. For the price of a coffee a month, you get an extra episode every week. And also lots of other great stuff, like discounts off the live shows and things like that. So please do get along to Patreon. Bunga's a bit of cash. There's a free trial, Matthew, is that right?

There is a free trial. Yeah, currently we're doing a seven day free trial. Oh, we would say as well, by the way, if you're going to sign up to it, do it through the browser, not through the Apple app, because the Apple, you know, obviously the we love Apple and all their products, but they've done this weird thing where they're creaming off some money and it costs you more and it costs us more.

So let's not let's not do that. Let's not do that. Yeah, you know, Elon Musk of Apple products. So yeah, do it through a browser, but please do do it. And it's free for the first seven days. Have a listen, have a little snoop around, see if you like it. If you wanted to, if you wanted to do the hard shift, download every single one of our episodes. And sorry, Matthew, I hate, I do hate to contradict you there, but we have been told, do have a listen, but we have please stop snooping around.

No, I tell you what, once you get on the page here, snoop as much as you like. But if you're on the free trial, no snooping guys. No snooping until you've paid. That's right. Zero snoop, zero snoop on the old free trial. Also, as well talking of the live show, I think it's sold out now. The Christmas show. If you didn't get tickets, people have been emailing us directly to say I didn't get tickets.

I'm afraid that's outside of our jurisdiction. But if you contact the venue, I think they're setting up a waiting list. So if you contact the venue directly, there is a waiting list for the Christmas show. But we will be doing shows in February and in March. So keep your diaries open around the end of February, end of March. We'll be releasing details of those very, very, very, very soon. Very exciting. Any other business or should we crack in? Let's get in. Oh, let's crack into it.

We're cracking into a house meeting. See you on the other side, guys. I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want to chat. OK, let's sit down and chew the flat. House meeting. What temperature should we set? The heater. House meeting. Why on earth am I always waiting? House meeting! Who wet my bed while I was sleeping? Let's have a house meeting! What's the point? Does life have a meeting? House meeting! Right, so I'm trying to do every single day, 30 minutes of exercise. Too many days.

Oh, wow, okay. Every single day till the day I die. Really? The word other could do a lot of good for you in that sentence. Every single day till the day I die. Really? Yeah. The word other could do a lot of good for you in that sentence. Just wanging other and suddenly every other minute. The thing about every other day,

I don't, I think it's tricky and they just stop you from doing that is making the week seven days. Yeah. What were they doing there? I know. Why not make the week eight days as the Beatles suggested and then you could do every other day that will be the same days

and then you have some order to your life would be a hard day's night and no one that it would truly would be. It truly would be a hard day's night. But if only that was the case but no I'm trying anyway I'm trying to do it. By the way, we're talking about I'm sort of three or four days in. So, you know, talk to me in a week's time. We'll see. Yeah. This is real January chat in October, November, November. Right. Get your story straight here, before you start this. This is January chat in November, because it sounds to me like it's February

chat in October. You push the button too soon, basically. Well, here's the thing. This is this is January chat in November. Because it sounds to me like it's February chat in October. You push the button too soon, basically. Well, here's the thing. This is January chat. I think you should start it. Get ahead of the curve. I agree. It's too easy.

I've given up on New Year's resolutions before. Yeah. Whereas if you just do it, if you just go, no, from today, one of the things I'm going to do is I'm going to do a little bit of exercise, a little bit of exercise, a little bit of mindfulness, and then that's going to sort of get me in where I need to be. And I do like it already. I'm enjoying it already.

And this is not me going from zero exercise to suddenly exercising. This is just trying to make it a bit more regular, make it part of my day. But today, we're recording this and then I'm going straight into work. I'm going to be working till midnight. So this this factors in this like, where do you where do you fit in this? Are you going to this exercise? Are you going to mid podcast to a workout? Well, this is it. Would you mind if I did some squats as well?

No, if you did. So my plan is I'm going to get off two stops early off the tube. Oh, that's good. And power walk to work, right? The last bit, which I think should take about half an hour. And I thought to myself, oh, great, I can get a coffee and I can power walk. And then I thought to myself, does it count as exercise? I was just about to say, if you've got a coffee on. And I don't know, I don't know why for some reason that just feels like well but are we can I just ask us Paris frozen is he checking his emails or is he just not interested in me talking about I really thought you'd frozen there you're you're so wrapped in thought what's going on down the bottom

the bottom corner of the screen though I was making notes I'm doodling a little man on a flat treadmill. There you go. Which I was looking into only yesterday for £135. Oh, I see. One of those walking pads. But I was gonna let you finish because I think the coffee thing might be bringing in a new tangent.

I was gonna swing back to the working treadmill, which has become quite a popular idea. So this is just a little kind of plate that you stand on and you walk and the pace you walk sets the treadmill, is that right? It's a treadmill, it's not a plate no. You put it in the middle of a microwave and you walk around the edge of it. I really think you've got the wrong end of the stick. This is September talking June man. It's not a plate mate, it's a treadmill.

All I need is a plate and a cup. I want somebody to put my toast on, somebody to put my coffee on and then off I go, off I go. That's my exercise. Basically the conversation you're having, I had with myself yesterday afternoon of can I podcast whilst walking on a treadmill, which is I kind of threw it out. But I think the coffee element has to be explored first as well because it feels okay. We'll get to exercising a second, which is what I say to myself every morning. January, January, please. But let's talk about let's talk about this then. Do you think it counts? Because there was this thing, isn't there?

Like, you know, there are certain sports that you can have a drink while you're playing. Darts. Right. Let's start with Darts and Stuka. Darts and Stuka, that's it. Darts and Stuka are two sports. And marathons. But it's not a drink.

It's just water. No, but I think water is fine for most sports, right? Having water is fine for most sports. I wouldn't even go so far as to say a lemon of barley water. No, but I think water is fine for most sports, right? I think water is fine for most sports. I would even get a little lower. A lemon, essential. Swimming essential. Well, you know what I do when I go swimming is I put some coffee granules in my in my trunks and I leave a little brown trail

that all of the locals can behind. They never want to. I say, I'll get a trail that all of the locals can behind. They never want to. I say that's coffee. When I do the marathon. That's a different thing. One brown trail and two red trails. That's that's the best Paris marathon. It looks like the 18 bad.

So does it count if you're drinking a coffee? Because I think you water or like an isotonic drink of some kind fine for any sport, a pint or coffee or a pint of coffee. Does does that immediately stop it from being my exercise for the day? So what you're saying is if you go to the wall, if you get off the tube two stops early, go on the news agents instead of Costa and buy yourself a Lucas aid sports. It immediately becomes exercise. One of those pouches full of gel.

Yeah, just get this. I've got to get, I've got to find a branch of blacks that can sell me one of those like Kendall mint cakes and just break off a bit of that. Oh, if I go off, I go. Yeah. That's the question. Yeah. I think if you go in into a newsagents

have a Lucas aid it immediately becomes a hangover. Yeah, that's a very good point actually. But where you buy your Lucas aid really suggests Lucas aid on a long car journey. That's obviously that's not a sport. That's just you're like, well, like, I've had four coffees already. I can't, I've got to I've got to do something to power myself up. But yeah, what do you think? Am I going coffee or no coffee this morning when I get off at Holland Park? I think you can I think you can do a coffee and power walk. I think that's okay. But I do wonder, I was going to ask like,

of the half an hour, what constitutes exercise? Because one of the things like similar to the walking plates, one of the half an hour what constitutes exercise. Cause one of the things like similar to the walking plates, one of the things in recent memory was like the little kind of tiny bicycles you get that you can sit on a chair, like in front of your television, but then you feet kind of cycle. Do you know the kind of mean? No, I've not seen this.

Is this like, is this for the way that's like for older people like us like you're still exercising while you're watching the television and you always look at that and go I don't think you are right yes but I think right crucially I'm not doing like my other exercise aren't like acro aerobics and stuff. I am doing normal exercise. I'm just Using is walking exercise. You now not only saying forget the coffee coffee or no coffee I don't think your exercise is just you're just moving. Is that what you're saying? Okay coffee, but peg it my suggestion was gonna be I actually think You could move around the coffee if you really need that coffee, I think you can circumnavigate the coffee debate.

Yeah. By having a change of clothes when you get to work. And I think that would automatically make it an exercise. I thought of that as well. I thought because I because I'm wearing DM boots and they're on. I'm breaking them in at the moment, so they're uncomfortable. So then if I bring my if I bring my running shoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't call it exercise. I don't want to get the grungy, but if you're in jeans and DMS, I don't think you can call it exercise. No, I think if you've got like Lycra leggings and trainers on and

you're carrying coffee, I don't mind at all. I think that's fine. You're exercising with coffee, but then you get to work and you change into your jeans and DMs and people go, Oh, Matthew exercised on his way into work. Whereas if you just, if you hurry to work, then it's not exercise. And I think what you're describing now is hurrying to work. No, no, no, because I'm setting myself, it's nine o'clock now, I don't have to be in work till gone midday. I'm setting myself the time and a long walk surely has to be exercised even though I am walking to a location I need to be at. I feel like, but I think you're right about the, the only thing, the only, the humiliation of it for me is that I don't want to be changing out my running shoes and

somebody saying oh did you do a run this morning go no I just walked from Holland Park carrying my DMs well actually I had a DM in each hand I was getting them like dumbbells I've got DM on it. Both sing a coffee on his forehead. Exactly. I was drinking a coffee out of my rucksack. You know those rucksacks you can pour a drink into with a straw. Oh yeah. Drinking a coffee out of my rucksack and a DM on each hand. I had my little running shorts on.

Walking down the street. Pumping, pumping, pumping. Full body workout. And also listening to my Headspace app. Oh, you're doing your kind of meditation type stuff then as well. I've got my eyes closed. That's the real challenge. I mentioned that I've got my eyes closed and I'm sat down. I'm shuffling along the paper like a dog with worms. The one thing I felt when Clarky described his tiny bike, his foot bike thing. The thing I have that feeling about is you have those things where the thing that vibrates you. And it's like you're doing exercise.

That's a power plate, yeah. But there's also things that you just strap onto yourself and yeah, they're the belt ones like in the 1950s. And like now it's like, ah, that was an exercise. But then, yeah, we have new fan dangled things. You go like, well, in 20 years time, people looking back, you literally You literally velcro velcro it around your belly and it vibrates you for 20 minutes. That's a different thing. Just that just gives you the truffle shuffle for 20 minutes. Yeah, basically. That's it. And that I think I watch that and go, that is an exercise. But then maybe if you throw that into the mix as well with your mindfulness and your coffee and your DMs and your strolling, then maybe we could be on something.

I tell you what used to be massive. Right. And you never see it anymore in the world. My waistline. strolling then maybe we could be on something. I tell you what used to be massive, right? And you never see it anymore in the world of my waistline. I said used to be vibrating tools didn't work. You're vibrating belt. There's also holding up your trousers. Um, the, uh, the, the, the, the, it was like two bars and a load of springs. Oh yeah. Pull the springs, right? springs. Oh, yeah.

And you just pull the springs, right? Yeah. Huh, huh. Yeah. What, that doesn't exist anymore. Does that mean that was no longer a, I think- A useful exercise?

I would say for that, too many men lost their nipples. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what it was. You had that real thing of it's gonna, it's gonna snag your chest hair, isn't it? If you do it. If you do it, it's brutal. Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what it was. You had that real thing of it's gonna it's gonna snag your chest hair, isn't it? If you do it if you do it sure Yeah, I did. What was I know what that was even cool, but it felt like I think now they have resistance bands Don't they and again, they always feel like they're in they're in the realm

Raging get like my favorite resistance Quite the fucking power boys. Right mate, wake up. Wake up and use this resistance band. Yeah I think what the exercise is there but I think the tools have changed. Right. Oh the resistance band is the big lackey band isn't it basically? Yeah. You sort of put around yeah I've had to do that before. No that could get yourself to it. If you use that as a catapult for yourself. Get out of Holland Park, tie it around two trees, cross me trebuchet, yourself to one back and then bring, ping yourself into work. Well the thing I could also just put one round my legs and walk, you know that sort of waddle walk you have to do that looks like you just

shit yourself. It looks like you shit yourself yeah basically. The waddle walk you have to do that looks like you just... When you shit yourself. It looks like you shit yourself, yeah, basically. Or the waddle walk where there's no loo roll in your cubicle. Exactly, and you've got to go to another... yeah, you've got a waddle walk. Yeah, it's that, but with an elastic band around you. So I could do that all the way from Holland Park. Lately, I've been experimenting with the notion of you just... you just pull up and move around. Do you know what I mean?

I see. I think my ample... Your ample buttocks? I think my ample buttocks will protect my clothes from any hot mess. Basically. I'm not sure this is a rich vein of conversation. Yeah. I think you've absolutely kencoed yourself. I'm saying as I've matured,

I think it's one of those things I've learned that if there is any wisdom I want to pass on to my son, I'd say to him, look, if you're ever in a cubicle and there's no loo roll, don't do the panic waddle. Take your time, compose yourself, stand up, pull up your shorts, pull up your trousers, walk around. What are you wearing here? He's got his workout stuff underneath his. Pull up your stretchy little leggings, put on your running shoes, do a 5k, come back. It's layer up, layers. Layers are important my son. What were we talking about? layer up and layers, layers are important. My son, now what were we talking about? Okay, dad. Okay. What month is this? There's a reason I always wear a tiny pair of toilet paper shorts and it's for this very reason. I've got some August chat for you in the autumn of my years.

Swear salopets. Anyway, I just think you're okay basically. Listen to this. Thank you. Pull your stuff up and walk with confidence. A public service announcement there from Tom Barry. It isn't as messy as you think it is. Basically. I genuinely thought Tom, you were talking when you said pull up and move around, was how you exercised.

And I thought you were saying, like literally, like on the chair I'm sat on now, using the arms, just pull myself up and just do this, just jiggle myself around a little bit. And I thought that's enough of an exercise to do. Well that is a thing, that gets advertised to me a lot, the kind of, what do they call it, things like lazy man yoga, and it's like, it's full of like diagrams of old dudes who are suddenly ripped and it's like all I did for 30 days was you know lean over this side of the chair over that side of the chair hump of it like whatever it's like it's just all I did was hump a thing yeah we've got this to set in a court case, wasn't it? All I did was help the furniture,

darling. You've got to go back to work. Retirement has been really bad for you. I lost £20 on my job. I fucked an office chair in front of Denise. I lost £20,000 in a court case. Anyway, it's, you know, it's like, yeah, it's like lazy man yoga kind of stuff, basically, where it's all, it's all focused around armchairs. Well, we talked about this in the past, it might have even been on the bangers and mash. My exercise I used to do when I

was doing my A level revision was just tensing my buttocks and raising myself up. Do you remember, I told you about that? So basically, I would just see if I could lift myself up. Do you remember I told you about that? So basically I would just see if I could lift myself up using my buttocks. And I got myself a very good looking ass. Honestly, my ass when I was, you know, when I was younger, it's still fine now, but when I was younger, my ass was to die for. It was the best part of me. When people ask what were your A-level results, you say two B's, two C's and an R's, don't you? That's right, you've got to check out your two B's. I say two boiled eggs in a handkerchief, that's what it was. There's my A-level results right there, mate. Yes, I should

have wiped, but I didn't think it was a problem. Two B's in an handkerchief. Now that's exercise you could do whilst you're pod. Yeah. I think there must be a listener dear out there who I wonder what percentage of our listeners are personal trainers. And you've wanted it for years. Yeah. Much like my wife with doctors.

When my wife befriends a health professional, She finds it very hard not to stray, you know, kind of to keep it on a friendship-based level, basically. What? Say, your wife's fucking the doctor. What's going on here? Hang on, hang on. Why don't we say, she strays, she can't be professional. She can't keep up a friendship level.

She's gonna be sucking off the doctor. That's what we're talking about. Right, guys. There's a reason your kids could always get first in the queue. Normally there's a waiting list. Yeah, I've been humping a thing. We're getting in for a jab. I've saved 20 minutes. Once my wife befriends a medical professional, she finds it very hard to keep the friendship off medical questions. Yeah. And have you texting those people when she thinks something's wrong? Have you ever been at a party where you've met somebody like this happened to me, you meet a

stranger and they work in medicine and the rest of the conversation is basically you saying like you your internal monologue going, don't show me the funny thing on your foot. Yeah. Don't say please would you just take a look at this because they must get it all the time. Yeah. It's the absolute equivalent of someone saying to us, oh you're comedians tell us a joke. You go like you're off the clock. You don't want to do it. This is this is their job.

It's not a party trick. The amount of times I've been told not to say please take a look at this at a party. Regardless of the... He wasn't even waddling, that was the thing. It used to be my conversation opener. Please take a look at this. Who's that guy crying in the corner, did he be able to look at it? It used to be the... It used to be Pappy's opener.

Please take a look at this hour guys. So, um... Thanks for coming and please take a look. Please take a look at this. It's a very funny show title. It's a funny show title. It's a funny show title. It's a funny show title. Please take a look. And you can picture the poster and it will be each of us pulling up a different part of our clothing but it will be pixelated out. Please take a look at this.

And grimacing. Yeah, going slightly cross-eyed. Tears in eyes. Oh my god, I'd love it, please take a look at this. Is there any chance Tim Bynestyle next year at Edinburgh can just release a poster? Because I really like the idea of please take a look at this, just doing the photoshoot alone. Yeah, I like it a lot, I really like that a lot. Please take a look at this. How do they make bread with no wheat in? Much like that with my wife, with medical professionals. I have a similar thing with personal trainers where like say I recently have become acquainted with a personal trainer. Oh yeah. Yeah. And

there's a you know we've had a couple of hanging out situations and I do find it very difficult to not want to talk about the half marathon that I've signed myself up for in my course. You know that's true of any person you meet though take a look at this it's my it's my half marathon submission it's my sponsorship for but like or just wanting to go what what's the thing I can do when I'm at home that's gonna help you know whatever it is I know yes you know like that chat, when you know someone is a, it's a personal trainer. With a personal trainer, you're just always hoping

that there's just going to be like a magical, simple, oh, all you have to do is this. Just tenchi buttocks. Yeah. Just lift yourself up, tenchi buttocks. I mean, that, yeah. Yeah. That is generally the, that is generally the that's generally

the thing isn't it people just go just do a little bit often and then you go if you try to do half an hour a day. It's the same with food though isn't it? I hate it. I can't do that. When someone's fucking gone through a transformation that's what does my head in is when someone's like over the course of like just my head in. You know when someone's turned their life around for the better. Yeah. And like you, mate.

And they're looking really great. I love this by the way, I'm really enjoying this. And they've really benefited, it's really benefited them. That does my fucking head in that business. Yeah. Fucking piece of shit. Absolutely fucking does my swede that does. You know what you were doing.

You know when somebody, you know, you know when somebody is like, you know, they're in a happy relationship, they seem to be having a really, really good time, they've sorted out their mental health problems. They've cut down on the booze and they're exercising. That does make them, yeah. No, they go, they've clearly had a dramatic transformation

and you like go, wow, that's brilliant. You look incredible. How did you do it? And they just kind of go, you know, you just kind of just eat a bit healthier, exercise a bit more, that's brilliant, you look incredible, how did you do it? And they just kind of go, you know, you just kind of just eat a bit healthier, exercise a bit more, that's all. Not that, I don't want it to be that. And you like go, but also you go, it's not just that, look, look, what is that? In nine months?

Because you were, and now you're... But you know what the answer is, you know what the answer is, and you don't want to hear the answer either. It's a Zemp epic, isn't it? It's as epic. That's it. If you see anybody and they look amazing and they didn't, you know, I'm sorry, we should, by the way, let's not let's not get into thin is amazing, not all that kind of nonsense. But, you know, if anybody has had a transformation, they're on the bloody substance, aren't they? That's what it is. they're on the bloody substance, aren't they? That's what it is.

They're on the substance. What I want them to say is you just do this, you do this on, like you do an arm curl in your armchair for three minutes. Yeah. It's like there's one move and then you go, there's the magic bullet. Yeah. Yeah. You don't even have to change what you eat.

You don't have to change what you drink. All you need to do is like one minute of this a day and then you fine. Whatever you do, don't stop drinking. And then I still wouldn't do it. It's the thing as well. A minute. Oh, no. Oh, fuck it. Every day. Every other day, surely. Come on.

I'm jam packed over here, man. I've got nothing going on am i supposed to look at tiktok like come on i've reached a new low go on here we go which is now the episode truly begins edit point edit point emma forget all about the stuff about whether you can drink a coffee on a walk and that counts as exercise. Forget it. We start the episode and I've reached a new low. Let's have a house meeting. What's the point? Does life have a meeting? I've reached a new low. Part of the reason I've thought, right, you've got to start exercising. It's got to start now. Is that I've recently... You've signed up for a half marathon. I think that would be one reason. That's why I signed up for the half marathon.

Otherwise you're going to die. Yeah, I signed up for the half marathon because when I put my daughter to bed, she started complaining about my breathing. Oh no. And all I've been doing is like, I I carry around the room for like three or four minutes Then I lay her down then I lay next to her and she's like, why are you breathing so much? Parts of my day has become I'd like Laura down I'd lie next to her and then I'd have to really concentrate on not being out of breath

really concentrate on not being out of breath. And I'd be like, I'm like, just trying to control my breathing. And it was like, that's, that's the warning sign right there. That's the warning sign. You can't, you can't be breathing so loudly. That's going to keep your daughter awake. Yeah, that's bad. Although I will say this.

Oh yeah. You know, I go to the gym a fair amount of time. Oh my God. I don't have kids. Wait, hang on a sec, sorry, sorry, here's the start of the episode. And actually, and there's the end of the episode. It's a short episode this week, Clarky's going to tell us he goes to the gym a fair amount of times, and that's it. So, Clarky's being going to the gym message a very

important message from Clark I would find that so funny you know my message in the middle of November so if we're trying to sell a show we'll just buy out like a short episode it's just I don't forget we're doing this show guys Very important burning missing from Clarkie. Please take a look at this guy's full feature. Make this a picture of Clarkie and Jim Kit. Sorry, go on clocking. Yeah, go to the gym. I don't have kids. I spent a week.

Is your Tinder handle? Please not for this next bit. It I spent a week with some kids recently. Oh yeah, go on. And I was very surprised at just how fucking heavy. You can't pick them up initially and you're like, oh, so light. And then doing three, four minutes walking around with the kid. Yeah, it is hard work. Yeah, right. Okay. Yeah, we get it. Our kids have to exercise. walking around with the kid yeah it is hard work I think yeah right okay yeah we get it our kids have to exercise okay yeah yes yes you're a kid aren't you that's a great job you've shamed our children yeah that's that's the same

job you don't need to lose weight you don't want us I love this talk how about you concentrate your breathing? Carry yourself around the room. Control my breathing. Control your eating, you fat bastard. Waddles out. Yeah, waddles out for a midnight snack. Does three arm curls in an armchair. Don't come in! I'm doing my arm curls! Chin's a Lucas Aide sport. I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do it with my right tonight, my left's feeling really tight for some reason. The old bedtime Lucas Aide sport. Yeah, it's when you start putting on running shoes and stretchy trousers to do bedtime,

then that's a problem. Hey, I'm doing my exercise, 30 minutes a day. I can't read the story I'm limbering up. I've pulled a hammy. Out of the fridge and I yeah, it's bad. It's bad guys. Can you please stop breathing? I can't sleep. I think I know the answer is both of either of you ever had a personal trainer for a period. No, I used to go to the Crystal Palace gym. And there was there was there was personal trainers who would just wander around there. I don't I think they were sort of loosely affiliated with the gym, but they weren't working for the gym. They were personal trainers working for themselves. And they would come

around and they would see you on the equipment and they watch you for a little bit awful, awful. And then afterwards they say, by the way, I'm a personal trainer. If you're if you're interested, I could I could give you some pointers. And they kind of shamed you into going basically good. You're doing that all. You don't know how you're facing in the wrong direction. We've got to talk about your breathing. But yeah, so they anyway, they this guy, he basically he said, look, I'll meet you back in the gym in a couple of days and we'll do it. And luckily, he got his dates wrong.

And he didn't show up. I thought you were going to say and I never went to the gym again. Luckily, I never went to the gym again. Luckily, a global pandemic gripped the world. That sort of did happen actually, because he was he was he kept pressure pressuring me and then I got an injury and I thought no, sorry, I'm doing physiotherapy, but I can do this. But he's like, I can work around your physiotherapist. No, I'd rather do it when I'm you know, when I'm fully recovered. All this because eventually he wore me down. I went for the

meeting. He didn't show up. I texted him. He's like, Oh, I'm so sorry. And then I just I just had that every time I saw him. He was like, Yeah, we really should book in that session. I don't know, man. You just didn't show up I texted him he was like oh I'm so sorry and then I just I just had that every time I saw him he was like yeah we really should book in that session I don't know man you just didn't show up to the last one it's pretty bad and I was just because I was like you embarrassed me for a year I've got just I've got I've got one thing on you you've got loads on me you know how terrible I am actually I'm a I'm a personal time keeping uh so I can help you out if you want to if you want to book in a time if you're capable. I've got two people I do a podcast with that can tell you I'm very good at sending a passive aggressive text one minute after we're supposed to have met.

Guys, we still we're still okay for for nine o'clock this morning because it's it's nine nine and 30 seconds. I will say one thing though, he ends up seeing two different people I know who live in the area and one of them is still with him. One moved away, hated him, right? Absolutely hated him, moved away, didn't move away because of him. That's pretty extreme. The other one is still with him and he gets him. Sometimes he's like, we're not doing the gym today. We're going to go out into the park and you're going to climb trees.

No, no thank you. This guy has been spotted by parents of his like kids. No. Climbing a tree with a guy watching him going, well done, good work, get up to that top branch underneath it. And he's like, I just. Is this guy seven? I think mentally yes he is that's what that's that's that's why he didn't meet me all right we're gonna do 15 minutes of knockdown ginger okay try and not get caught Tom this by the way

is a brilliant idea yeah that's a great idea for a you could be a TikTok influencer. If you were the guy who's like, we're going to do British Bulldog. That's how we look. That's how we lose weight. Yeah. Weight loss through the games. Nostalgic weight loss. Exactly. Stuck in the man. It's a good idea, man. You get to carry the good old fashioned bins the way, you know, we get to do the good old fashioned bins. The way, you know, we get to do the good old fashioned bin man workout.

You have to learn everyone's names on the street, hoik it on your back, carry it down the road back in the good old days. I like that. Were you a bin man? I was a school child. You know, the classic things we did as a kid. We played British Bulldog, we climbed trees and we worked for the local refuse collection. We swept the chimneys. I kind of said we're stuck in the mud, Eddie old iron, you know,

the classics. Pick up this trumpet. Tom's real aspiration is to get down to your original chimney way, isn't it? That's the only reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. That's the reason you're breathing so bad you've got black lung well i've got a ham sandwich stuck up my chimney and i'm that's my that's my motivation yeah i kind of segued into facebook nostalgic posts like you know the good old days when we could play British Bulldog and bin men

were bin men. I don't know what... Maybe they have a different algorithm to you. Yeah, I don't mean, I don't... Well, I don't go on Facebook, largely for that reason. Well, then you're missing out on remembering what bin men used to be like. I'm literally... I could see my bin men at work currently out of my window and I think they are exactly as they always were.

Right. They're lifting bins. They're chucking them in. What are they doing differently? What they're doing differently. What are the bin men do nowadays that they didn't or what do they used to do? They don't do now in the good old days. There was. Yeah. You get quite a lot of nostalgic. Britain was better back in the day.

You were. You mean you. Right. You don't mean you don't mean one. Britain was better back in the day when bin men were bin men. You mean you. You don't mean one, you mean I get a lot. I mean, I make a lot. I'm really big on going bin men TikTok. I make a lot of bin men memes. That's what I mean.

That's what I really wanted to say. Tom is a big believer in dress for the job you want. And I refuse to take them down. He and I, we've always worn our little beanie hats, our DM boots and our black jeans. Yeah, go on. So yeah, you make your memes. What do your memes say, Tom? It's like Britain was better back in the day when bin men were like bin men, real bin men. I'm not championing this cause. You must. What are they supposed to be doing that they didn't do before. The bins! They know everyone's names, there's no health and safety, they'd just put your bins there.

You can throw away all your syringes, is that what it's called? They'd chuck your bins, they'd carry them over their back, you know, they'd lump it all in together. You wouldn't have to recycle, that's quite a good thing. It's all that kind of stuff. They'd know your names, that's a big, you know. Okay. This is achievable by rather than you sitting in your house making the memes. You could go outside and say, morning mate, by the way, what's your name? Yeah. Rather than... Because bin men do still have names. What?

You know? Yeah. But they're not... They're not allowed to tell you them because of health and safety. God mad. They barely get out their trucks these days. It's all automatic. What are the other things you're missing? What are the things you're missing about? Parry, why are you doing this?

Parry, what are you saying all of this stuff? From the good old days. All of this stuff the good old from the good old days I guess you could go to work down the mine They're the posts basically they're the poster It's good. Are these are these like is this like the algorithm sending you this or these people you went to school with? No it's people it's people railing against them is so you're in the anti bin man market I you're like you're like people post fuck everything I stand

for I'll never learn their names, never I can't believe I'm getting this sort of thing and then I see that and then yeah, yeah, and then you have to see those kind of things and then I copy them and yeah then you go, I can't believe I have to see this they do have a point there. I can't believe bin men aren't bin men anymore. Can't even call them bin men. That's probably something that's said.

Yeah. Don't give a snide on that. I will say that. There's like milkman as well. Milkman get a say as well. The ragabow man. I don't know why I find all this so funny. You've been kind of angry at the memes that are angry about the bin men. I really like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bit what's wrong with milkman these days. I guess we don't use them quite as often. use them quite as often. The milkman would come round, you'd know his name. You could call him a milkman. You'd stick your bottles out. You could call him a milkman even though he was a woman. Morning milkman! My name's Sandra actually. See she knows my name! Yeah my name's Ashley. Yeah, so I mostly see that with, yeah, it's kind of.

Well, I'm glad you're still checking my Facebook posts anyway. It's very hard to see. And it's Tom again, isn't it, Tom? Am I right, Tom? See, no, you know my name, you know my name. I know your name. I know your name. I know your name. No, I will. I will say, yeah, I will say I don't know my bin men's names, but New Year's resolution. This is January talk, guys. Learn your bin men's names.

Go and help them for 30 minutes. Half an hour. Half an hour a day. Go and ride the old dust carts. 30 minutes bin lifting. Make a man of you. House meeting! I've said it once before but it bears a repeat. House meeting! Well there we go! I mean, add a little research into those treadmill...errr...plates. Oh yeah. As we've been describing them. 135 quid. I just don't know how effectively I would

be able to walk and work at the same time. I don't think there's any way, but that's fine for me. My problem with them is I always think whenever you get a slightly cheaper bit of exercise equipment because of my general heft, it feels like they're not designed for me and they'll like instantly start squeaking and kind of groaning into the breath. That's your body doing that. The squeaking and groaning is coming all from you. The product works fine. The product is not at fault here. That's the name of your ex-military personal trainer, isn't it General Heft? He's one of those guys that meets you in the park wearing a bib.

Yeah, he's like, I'll just pull the tree down for you. The guy who I meet in the park, he wears a bib. We eat a whole chicken together. It's a different type of bib. Oh yeah. It's Clarky. Clarky. Clarky. Clarky.

Clarky. I should probably just pop off this podcast now. I just realised there's something I need to be doing. Clarky's off to eat a whole chicken in the park. Clarky's googling what time Nando's opens. I should just realize there's something I need to be doing. Maybe if I maybe if I get off one stop early, I could walk an extra seven minutes to Nando's. There you go. We've got a message in from Sharon who says, Greetings speaker dears, I must say you're in a very rich rain of form.

Thank you so much, Sharon. She just wanted to just wanted to ask if Matthew, if you enjoyed being on Nevermind the Buzzcocks recently. Well, it was 12 years ago, but I did enjoy it very, very much. It's a long career, isn't it? In a career as long as mine, 12 years ago does feel like. 12 years!

It was 12 years ago, but I loved it, honestly. Phil Jupiter's is wonderful. I love Noel, obviously. It was 12 years ago, but I loved it. Honestly. Um, Phil Jupiter's is wonderful. I love Noel. Obviously it's, it's great. I believe it's still available to watch on YouTube. Who was hosting back then? I did two episodes. Uh, uh, one of them was hosted by Richard O'Rourke and one of them was hosted by James Blunt, both absolutely wonderful. Wow. What a time. I didn't even, I can't even remember that. So I'm going to go and watch that now. Go back. Absolutely. Why not?

Why not? A little recommendation for you guys. My old episodes of Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Get on out there. I'll look forward to that. In fact, caution, if we can, we'll put them in the show notes. If I could find them on Vimeo or whatever, we'll put them in the show notes. If I could find them on Vimeo or whatever, we'll put them in the show notes because just like Sharon, you can enjoy them as much as, well actually she doesn't say she enjoyed

it, she just asked if I enjoyed it. Just like me, you could, you know. I'd love that. Like suddenly everyone's like, God, we've got to get, there's been a lot of heat around series 25 episode 8. So something went right in that episode. We've got to get get maybe get that team back together. I don't know. Well, let's not let's not go into that now. But if you'd like to, by the way, Tom, I've got to I'm sure the episode is still available on 4OD. Yeah, Channel 4, yeah, get it now.

Probably the second series. Anything to ask me? Clarky, we've got to, no, Clarky, I've got a great question to ask you. Clarky, what was it like appearing recently on Meet the Parents? Oh, it was a hell of a time, thank you. I'm presuming that's still available on 4 the parents. Oh, it was a hell of a time, thank you. Presumably that's still available on Netflix. They did put it back on Netflix for a time. I think they've taken it back off again. I'd be pleased about it.

Maybe don't watch that if I'm honest. Paris was a classic. But do check out our new sitcom, Battle. Which we recently filmed. We recently filmed it and it was recently cancelled in 2013. Oh my god, yeah. Don't forget to listen to our recent series, Bangers and Mash. It's a great podcast series. Love it. Alright folks, well, have a great time everybody. Stay safe. Stay safe. Today's episode was produced by Emma Culsham, Cauchyam team, cheers everyone