Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Crumpet Soldiers) S9E21

Episode Date: August 19, 2019

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. This week they get their eggs wrong, meet their heroes and give feedbackPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareSee us live 30th August, End of the Road Festival - https://endoftheroadfestival.com/8th September, London Podcast Festival - https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/london-podcast-festival/Produced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free the Pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Greetings, listener dear. We're puppies. We are. Including this man. I've been this guy. I'm Matthew Krosby and next to me is Thomas Perry. Hello, I'm Thomas Perry. Welcome to another fantastic episode of Papi's Flat Share House Meeting.

Papi's Flat Share House Meeting. That's not the song. The jingles coming up in just a second. We had a lovely chat today. I hope you enjoy listening to it. We're really enjoying doing these. Oh, what a podcast. And we hope you're enjoying us being deep within your ear canal.

OK, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no the show, but I was leaving your pause. I mean, it was good though. We are deep within your ear canal. Here we go. Yeah, let's just do a bit of a go-on for that. No, I think that's perfect. You know what, Emma, don't edit any of that out. Edit not a thing. Edit not a thing.

We'll have a nice little pause there. A nice little bit of silence, and then we'll say, and that will, and that'll be it. And enjoy the episode. And enjoy the episode. And honestly guys, enjoy the episode. Coming now. From deep within your ear canal,

from our voice box is. Here it is! I've had a thought! I've got an issue! I've got a question I want to ask you! I want to talk! I want a chat! Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat! Has meeting! What temperature should we set the heat to?

Has meeting! Why on earth am I always waiting? Has beaten, beaten, beaten, beaten, beaten, who went my bed while I was sleeping? Has beaten, beaten, beaten, beaten, beaten, beaten, beaten, What's the point? Does life have a meaning? Has beaten, beaten. Do you ever wake up and go? Today's gonna be a tough one. Today's gonna be a tough one for me because I got into the shower with my glasses on. Oh, that's how you know.

That's how you know you're like, if you haven't got your now to take the glasses off, I should say I've been up and like, pottening around the house, I don't sleep in my glasses, but I got into the shower with the glasses on and I thought it's gonna be that kind of day. It's literally the only reason I don't have glasses. Because you just would wear're in the shower. Yeah. I'd be all over the shop with them.

I'd break them and lose them. I did have glasses for some time. It was disastrous. So you just swam them off down the river? Yeah, I'll just sign if I get it. Clocky can't see. He can't see us. Clocky's like, is it Donald Pleasant's in the Great Escape?

He's the boy jumpin' and he's blind. He is by clicking at walls. Do you really? I'mance in the Great Escape? He's the fourth, but he's blind. He is by clicking at walls. Do you really? I'm not seeing the Great Escape. No, yeah. The Great Escape was devastating to watch as a kid. Very sad. Oh, yeah.

You used to be the film I'd go to when I was sad. Like, if I couldn't sleep, I'd start thinking about the Great Escape, then I'd get sad. And I'd normally be like, stop thinking about the Great Escape. No, you don't. I think about something so it's like, it's just right. Oh, right, sorry. Sorry, sorry. It's the film you're subconscious with automatically.

Yeah, that's right, yeah. It took me ages to shake the greatest cape. Ugh. Horrible. Well, it's a very misleading title, isn't it? It's a bad escape. That's very true. I mean, you can understand going into that, going,

Oh, this is a bit of fun. Here we go. It's all gonna get out, they're all gonna survive. This is brilliant. Yeah, they should have called it was the really sad film. A bit of an escape that goes wrong. Yeah, spoiler alert. Sure, there's spoilers in there,

but sometimes it's good tough spoilers in a film title, I think. Yeah, you know, you know, there's not enough to be surprises. Very true. My equivalent of getting into the show with glasses on is if I mess up my boiled eggs and if I nail my boiled eggs then it's like today is going to be a good day. And it's always quite a big because there's a lot that can go wrong with boiled eggs.

Not only how you cook them, but how you eat them because it's like you have the jeopardy of getting into your eggs. Oh, hold on. And if that goes bad, like you have the jeopardy of getting into your eggs. Oh, hold on. And if that goes bad, or, you know, there's several things that you go for the beheading then. Is that your action? Yes, to me, seems to think you go for the one. You were screaming at once.

And I asked the receptacle, not the receptacle, the implement you use. Are you in a sharp knife? Sharp knife? Wow! Off the top yeah and you that's going clean that just clean is never goes clean but it goes well yeah and normally the bad normally the badness goes up the top's power story it never goes

clean but it goes well yeah and then like it's but if the eggs go well you know if they're right in the middle if you've cut them well if all that works out then I'm set up for the day. I tell you, after that shower, my boiled eggs were sparkling. And I can really see them as well. Because I can't wait to see what you did in the head. I came along with an eye. Oh, on the clean motion.

And what are you having with your eggs? Are you soldiers? Yes, soldiers. And if I'm treating myself, those soldiers are made out of crumpets. Ffff, with Marmite. Oh, runnites. So it's always toasted Marmite or crumpets with Marmite. You're blowing my mind here.

Buttery crumpets with Marmite and boiled eggs. Donked into a boiled egg. There you go. That's real good. It's a bit of pepper. This is the breakfast of champions. It's what. But there are certain Japanese, you know, you over boil your eggs, you get distracted. I would come that hard. I would take an over boiled egg over an under boiled egg. Oh, I think you're right. I think you're right.

I had poached eggs today for lunch, served me in a cafe and they could have done with 45 more seconds. But what can you do with poached eggs? You can't send them back. Repoach those eggs. Could you breathe on? No. Breathe on. I mean, he can't. I don't do much good. Could you kind of get enough? I'm not the dragon out of Shrek.

I can't. You're always saying that. I think you protest too much. Well, it's because we're always asking them to do our toast and also our... Yeah. I'm famously Princess Fiona. Everyone knows you. What's Shrek character are you? If anything, I'd be John Lithgaos character, wouldn't I? The little North Park.

The little Hopper around. Yeah, yeah. Toma Be the donkey. You could be Shrek actually. Oh, I think I was Shrek. I think he could be Shrek, Clarke., I think I was Shrek. I think you could be Shrek, Clarky I mean that in the nicest possible way your face looks just like Shrek's face And I mean that is nice as the night and that's the highest couple of like and pay a person

Who look like fucking Shrek? Shrek looking mother fuck I love it. Yeah, if you breathe enough, it is what you got. I can't leave you gone back to it. There's something interesting. It's what I'm saying. Your mouth is like a portable oven. No, it isn't.

By the way, stop saying that to me because I'm not going to get off with you. Come on, mate. You're a real dragon from shrimp. Let me tell you, baby, you're a mouse. He's like a polymer. Repoctual. One boiled eggs. I just need another 20 seconds, baby. So, if you were to put your mouse around...

Right. Can you put your mouse towards the microphone when you're talking? By the way, I'm going to say... She doesn't want to cut the mic. That's the problem. Okay, so if the eggs are on there, you kind of put your mouse over there and go, oh, okay, no, stop talking. Four.

Four. A minute. No. I reckon you could get your eggs over the line. No, you can. Okay. Okay, no, I'll tell you what, right, Tom. I'll be in the room.

Tom, I'll put it another way. If I gave you... It's like it's a bread. Oh, keep talking. Okay, you guys are so... You know, it's a bread. And you put your face over it. And breathe for two minutes.

Yeah. Would you have slightly underdone toast? No, you'd have wet bread. But that is different. Yes, here comes Rector. Help us out. Hi, I'm going to have the... Are you Duncan? How are you going to have to put my big green foot down on this one, Stan?

But I was donkish, right? Toasting is different to heating. Exactly right. And we've always said that to you. Yeah, we're always telling you this. One of your many catchphrases. And it's why you could, for example, you can melt a base of chocolate with your breath, couldn't you?

Right? I said it's nearly the end of the line. You can melt a piece of chocolate. It's a little bit better than that. You can melt a piece of chocolate. You're really bad at that Shrek accident. Oh dear. I'm melting my mind with my mouth. You melt in all of my mind with your mouth baby.

So you can melt a piece of chocolate. You can melt a piece of my chocolate. You can melt a piece of chocolate. Welcome to a shrek, so quick to the show. You can heat the stuff up with your mouth. Deppin' walls. Of course. But I don't know how to heat stuff up.

But when your eggs only need a few, I'm too big to get them inside of you either time. And with me, man. Me and Trek, two of a cat, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but can. And also, let me tell you now, if I had said to the waiter, sorry, these eggs were tiny bit underdone and he stuck his face in my plate. I'm never going back to that restaurant again. Would you go to a restaurant that cooks things in someone's mouth? I'll tell you now Tom. I'll tell you now. If you're thinking about, if you're thinking of opening a pop-up.

Like it's like a sexy body warmed kind of restaurant. It's like everything you're eating has been cooked on someone's body and everyone's ever looks incredible. Absolutely gross. Like everyone's like, it doesn't matter how incredible someone looks, I don't want armpit ham.

That's special, that's special of the day. A beast, a fluffy armpit ass. Try a beast, a man, be damned. Just a rat, get a beast, someone chuckled it. And they're like a beast of armpit ham. Hashtag, be damned, be damned. Cold rain or hot snow, if this is sleet. Hashtag.

And I think the idea you've got there, because people look incredible, everyone looks like they should be stood outside, never can't be in fetch, or off of love islands. Oh yeah, that's true. I don't suddenly think. I never go, yeah, you're right. I don't suddenly think, you know what, that guy with his top off looks so good, I bet his armpit is sanitary.

That's not ever a thought I have in my life. I actually know that I'm thinking about it. Do you know what kind of gives me? The horn? The arsehole. Wow, well, please don't cook your answer. I'm thinking about it. Do you know what kind of gives me the horn? The arsehole. I was thinking about it. Oh, wow. Well, please don't cook your eggs. So, my, what are your eggs?

Can I just say, these boiled eggs with marmites, are they? How have you done them again? Because they have definitely got a tag. Why are you dressed like a hen? LAUGHTER Have you seen chicken run? Have you seen chicken run?

Or should I call it the sad film? That more sad. Who'd be called the greatest? They have more successions in the Switch titles. It's in the greatest name. You mean chicken run. They switch titles. Really? It's worth the other way around. I can't lift the table. it's going on with it. It's...

Um... I can't really celebrate it at the prospect of eggs, is what... That's the problem, isn't it? I'm... I feel about it. Places where the big deal is that they bring out a hot slab and you cook your own food as you go. Yeah, but the hot slab is an assizzler, right?

I wish... Oh yeah, no, no, but that's where I... I was post-loading on that. But I was looking at a hard slab. Oh, I... That was fantastic. And the hot slab was actually inside, like, the table opens up and it's got a griddle inside the table. What? Yeah. And then they bring out boiling. Well, I didn't stick my face in it.

You think we're going to take it? I had to cook your eggs. So, guys, this one needs to be pushed over the line. You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time?

You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time?

You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? You think you're going to win this time? It was very warm inside the restaurant. It was great, I loved it. But then the guys coming over would actually chop it up, chop up the food for you,

and do it on the Korean barbecue. So you weren't actually cooking it yourself. They would put it all there, they flip it over and it'd be flipped over, they turn it around and they'd say, is that done in that way? But you were sat at the oven effectively. You were sat at the cold face, yeah.

I was great. I mean, it was the weather, it was a couple of weeks ago, the weather was quite as nice as now. But it was great because it's exciting. If I go to a portion of restaurant, I get like hot and sweaty anyway, just at the idea of being somewhere. This was a post-restaurant, it's just a Korean barbecue restaurant. So I wasn't like, I wasn't anxious about the fact I didn't fit in.

But what I'm saying is like this heat on heat. The idea of going to a restaurant makes you sweat. Yeah, restaurants and barbers. Well, restaurants and bars. Well, restaurants and bars make me... One of those things is not a problem for you. I can't afford to go to restaurants. I don't know, you're carrying your hair, guys.

It's way too severe, mate. They charge one of the inch. When I first met you, you looked like the cast of Rock of Ages. Can you make it look like a bald man, please? Do you think anyone's done that? Yeah, I was a little... I asked to have their head shaved. Yeah, those of you would just go. Can you please it look like a bald man, please? Do you think anyone's done that? Yeah, I was a little. I'd have their head shaved, yeah, those of you would.

Yeah. Hello. Can you please give me a number one or all over? No, that's different to looking like a bald man. Oh, is it like give me a probably bit on the top? Yeah, bit me a bald spot. So I want people to think I'm, it adds a gravitas.

I've just got a promotion at work. I want to go in looking. I can tell you what, though, actually, here's where it will work. If you wanted to go undercover. No, if you wanted to get into a nightclub. Here we go. Yes. And what you want people to think you were ill.

That's a, please let me in, it's my last wish. That's a great idea. Because most kids, they try and grow a bit of facial hair and normally to disaster effects. But if you start getting a haircut like you're receding, no one's going to, they're never going to think, oh he chose to do. I went to build in primary school. Here we go. Once there was a kid who went to school with Matthew Crosby and when he came in he had gone bald. Yeah, he went bald, yeah. And then I know, I went bald at second grade school as well.

Oh wow. So yeah, basically it might be me. You made your act if. I met Barry at the end of the year. You bought in Chernobyl Guys this is true the guys had next to Prime is called oh no I sat next to in our e-class. This is why I sit at a cry level He went bald then I met Perry at university. He went bald. Clarke you watch out next. Don't get close Crossbow you made your act. Yeah.

I'm mad you're the bald maker. I want a superpower. Oh wow. Yeah. Sorry guys. Well, I'm happy with it. You look, I mean, suits your head shape. You've got a very well shaped head.

So suits your head shape. It's great. It's great for saying that. That's my pleasure. Are they like, are they like head shapes? Yes. Oh. Great.

Well, would you cook an egg? No, so what are they? Like, is there like five types? It's half, and you're like, you're in this, like square, square face, square face, pear shaped. That's bodies, pear shaped, apple shaped.

Your balls are the head. So you can have a double pair, you can be double pair. You can have an apple shaped face and a pear shaped body. Oh, delicious. The opposite of the other. He's a cockney rhyming, the other. Banana rhyming. You see what I'm cockney rhyming saying?

What you can add a rhyming. You can have a double pair. Yeah, you can look like two pairs on top of each other. But is that the official term? Well Apple, I don't know. I've heard of Apple's body right. I'd heard of Apple. People have with Apple-shaped face.

When you look at it now, there are certain things you can't have with an Apple-shaped face, like a center parting looks strange. I'm not sure if that's the case. Because it accentuates the heavy look. It accentuates the Apple, the effectiveness of your face here. You can't have a pip coming out of your nose.

You can't have a stalk coming out the top of your head. You can't dye your face red. You can't climb Apple trees. You can't have a stalk coming at the top of your head. You can't dye your face red. You can't climb apple trees. You can't land on Newton. Can't wear a palm tree, yeah? Fair enough. So yeah, what shape, I mean, you've got the classic oval. A strong egg.

Yeah. A strong egg. Poppers in your mouth. Poppers in your mouth. Poppers in your mouth, bro. What do you think? What shape am I? I think you've got quite a square face, but you've got quite a strong jaw Like I don't know that's the thing I don't know I think the eyeballs obvious, but the other face types I just wouldn't have a yeah but then I'm really, you know,

I think you're quite good at like facial recognition. You're quite good. I've got a friend who has a thing. Face blindness. Face blindness. Yeah. Where she doesn't remember people's faces. So just listen to their voice and then get clues off them

and then work out how she knows them. That's amazing, isn't it? That's incredible. But I feel like I've got, I'm down the line towards that. No, you're just rude. You just don't care enough about the people to remember them. Well no, I'll see someone and I'll say to you guys, oh my god look, it's so and so.

And you'll be like, no, nothing. Yeah, but it's like I genuinely think of it. Oh, that person, you'll say, look at that person in the audience. They look just like this. Yeah. So it's like, I genuinely think of it. That looks like that person. Or you'll say, look at that person in the audience. They look just like this. Yeah, like, no, they do. So it's like, oh, I've realized, like, I'm really bad at that. But in my head, I'll be like, no, that looks like Jeff Goldblum. And it's like, that looks nothing like Jeff Goldblum.

Yeah. We've had a few of those calls where I'm like, that person's here. We've had, you thought, David Schneider, the comedy actor and director, was in the audience. And you were like, no, we turned the car around once to go after Spielberg. We did, we chased, we chased, I hocked out the car and you made me chase a bloke down the road and it turned out to just be an old man in the cap.

Because we thought Spielberg was walking through Bath City Centre. That's a really good thing, he could have been, sure. Sure, he could have been. But so what you're saying is, you've got the opposite of face blindness, you think you recognise people when you don't. I think I've got it with names. Yeah, I think I face half blind. And I think Clarky is half name blind.

I only know front names, front names, I think. Whereas I'm third eye blind. I'm not gonna lie to you, it's been a semi-charm life. I think the two people who would enjoy that joke are in this one. What do they up to now? Third-eye blind. Yeah, they still go. Who knows.

I mean, did you get in contact with the recently and use them as your radio show music? Oh, well I managed to, yeah, but I didn't directly contact the band, I don't think. Well, I bet you could. I think, yeah, that's it. I don't think they're up to much at the moment. It's quite an exciting time right when you're, you live to a certain age where the people who were like, unapproachable when you were young, certainly are like, you've got access to them.

Like, do you got access to? Who have you got access to? Well, all I'm saying is like, say for example, if you think young, certainly you got access to them. Like, do you got access to it? Well, all I'm saying is like, say for example, if you think about the people you idolized or fancied when you were a kid, like, oh my God, I could never meet them to chill up them, there's like a chance where you could kind of go, oh actually I could, no. Okay.

Or, come on Tom. So Tom, what are you saying? But we have to put this under scrutiny. Let's, let's, I will ask you a question, no. Okay. Or, come on Tom. So Tom, what are you saying? But we have to put this on the skirt. Let's, let's, I will ask you a question, Ben. You grew up with Tom. I did. You met him before he met me and then went bald. You did the good old days.

You did the good old days. When he had all of his hair, well, a luscious, and none of his charm. So, who did he, he sent me charm like? Who did he fancy? Who was his top pin-ups? Definitely jet. Jet from gladiators. So you think now you could, please don't snort to the mic. Oh my god. That's going to turn off Diane U-Dale. If you were to meet you. So Tom yeah okay firstly you say of let's not use the phrase got access to because that's pretty good but you

said you said you're you're not able to meet jet from gladiators yeah how well because now she's a personal trainer yeah for example right so I like and you not say she's not she's not yet the gladiator anymore she's a personal trainer who lives a life no I'm not saying oh I can go and pull down you down because I'm sure she's happily married and has successful life but I'm saying there is like a chance of like for example I could host my personal trainer and I don't say I'm doing it with the various means but I'm saying I'm now much more close to her than when she's on tele or she's a 3D poster that came free with frosties,

you know, life size, life size poster. Life size 3 poster came free with frosties. I used to lie next to it on my bed. Okay, we'll end the story then. But why do I talk if you remember that? Did you say, we talked about it. All right, okay, you're inviting round to watch.

I didn't even give you two weeks to do it. Anyway. Oh my gosh. But we were children. But you're still a child. I'm saying like, just a bold one. Raw Fox, for example,

who's like, was it a Premier League footballer, a hero to thousands? He now runs a storage unit in Straton. I think. Yeah. Or something like that. And I'm just saying like, you know, so you could, if you wanted to, go and hire a storage unit in Straton and be like, let's go for a pie mate.

And it's like, certainly you're having a drink with all fox. I'm just saying that, you know, you can text third, I blind. I wonder if that kind of thing... That kind of thing. ...can't tweet third, I blind, they might respond. I wonder though, I wonder if you have to be slightly on your guard when you are a sort of former big name celeb. The people aren't just trying to get close to you

because of that sort of strange. For some matters. I mean, I think we'd have to get Celeb Stain at first. And we're on our way, surely by now. What, on our way back down? On our way back down. We are on. We have a slip in the way.

We're on our way back down. But I'll tell you what, the one thing that we don't have is anyone trying to get close to us. That's right. So that's the thing. I'm trying to get close to you, too. It's not going to happen. He's got a full-size poster of you next to his bed. You're really struggling with peace today, aren't you?

A full size buster. Buster. Buster. Buster. Buster. The full size, the buster. I got a full size buster on my bed. You can have a beast.

Can I have a beast of this a buster on your bed? Buster, I take a little piss of Tom Barry, on with you today, with your boy, this as a poster. A full-sense poster, I don't mean to post, but I have this poster. I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to post, but I lack my exit with my mate and cramp it post. LAUGHTER Here's, so here's the thing, because I, now, how do I tell the story without giving away the name of the celebrity will be out we will beep out the celebrity

Okay producer Emile Ennis, shaking her head there and I I met a Top TV presenter great from the 90s Backstage at an idle wild gig. Right, I've immediately gone to one person. Okay. Have you gone full? No, no.

Well, I'll be a confirmed nor deny. Great. I don't know. I went for Jamie Thickston straight away. Okay, it's a girl. Okay, it's not Jamie Thickston. Okay. And it's not the other person who hosted the Priory with him.

Okay, top TV presenter and we... You were backstage at an idle wall. Yeah, I don't mean to. Don't act up, don't act up. You got me some roasts. I mean, but like, I'm in the box with the compost. I was... We went to like an after party for this idle world show.

Lovely. And bear in mind, you know what, this is a great example because this was probably four years ago. Okay. Who wants to get backstage at an Idol World gig nowadays, right? Yeah. If it'd been the 90s, if it'd been before, when, you know, if it'd been like at the height of their powers, then...

I bet you didn't even do a special pass. Did you push that tip at the end of the gig and said, anyone fancy it? Roddy Wumble said, anyone fancy a pint and I was like, you all right? We're going to the Harvard stuff. We're going to the Storic Cup. I also run.

We all need a bit of extra space these days. Am I right guys? When I heard it was a lock-in, I didn't expect this. But anyway, so I'm back there and I run into a top celebrity from the 90s. Okay, incredible. And this is amazing and I'm chatting to her and she is probably, you know, 10 years older than me, 15 years, maybe older than me, and I meet her husband and her husband is my age.

Here we go. And her husband starts going, yeah, so apparently she was really famous in the 90s. Oh man, I just met her and I'd never heard of her. I was like mate. Ah, mate. Ah, this is it. Just be real. Be honest.

Just be real, you've lucked out, you've married jet from gladiators basically. Yeah, I've had to come in the 90s. You met her in the current day and you've got to close to her and you've managed to marry her. And everyone's winning in this setup. Absolutely. You're a nice, you know, they seem like a...

She's got the love of a nice young up and coming guy. Yeah, and I... He's texting all his mates going, guys, Yeah. Get to what I poured last night. Exactly. And I think, you know, and that's not to disparage them as a couple now, I think they are completely on an even, even kill team.

Everyone's winning. Everybody's winning, but I definitely think initially he played down how excited he was to be going out on a date goes on that's the way that's that's the way it was around for Britpop you know someone who would be you know in an oral history of Britpop you know if they were Tom I myself down have used the word oral but you know like if they were interviewing what it was like to see Oasis at Net Worth. Yes. I reckon she was there. There you go. That's it. That's what I'm talking about. And that's, you know.

That's it. So, always saying is, if you see us around in a boat, don't be intimidated. Come over to us. Come over to us, say, I was a big fan of baddlet. I was a big fan of baddlet. I was a big fan of baddlet. I was a big fan of baddlet. I was a big fan of baddlet.

And, you know. Well, the thing is, we should just say Tom, you've recently got married. Bless you. Well, I witnessed it, but I didn't do the blessing. And I've been married for a long time. Very happy. Clarky. We're shrek over here. Shrek.

Moral in around the swamp. Shrek, the good thing is they shrek if you do get married, then it does mean your girlfriend would turn into a shrek just like you. Oh, well that's her. She's really... She needs to be called even more. It's for... And you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats.

Well almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup, maple lattes, and maple bourbon. Yes, we deliver those. Turtles? No, but turtles the dessert? Yes, because those are groceries and we deliver those too, along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials.

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and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her coast of freedom at a lot for it. It's nonstop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters that is not for you. It's non-stop bunkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15th. Something I was just thinking about, the links, what we're talking about,

is a lot of those former celebrities go on to open restaurants. Right. Which is kind of like, it's a big thing, like if you're an ex-footballer, you open your restaurant, you get to go and eat it, you know, you're a less-furdered and open your restaurant, you get to go and eat at, you know, less food and restaurant. He's there, he tells a story or two,

he works the tables. Is it a way of kind of, is it a way of maintaining celebrity, but without, like, because I think that, that recently there was the guy who was on a sitcom, an American sitcom, and like the paparazzi took a photo of him working a supermarket, because he was on a sitcom in the 80s. Oh yeah, and he said,

and he said, there's no shame in this. I'm an actor, you know, someone's like, I work, someone's like, don't, when I don't, I've got to make money, so I'm working in a supermarket. But I imagine the hardest thing for a lot of former celebs is going from being super famous and being kind of always, you know, of interest to the public,

to that not being the case. And always to be, you know, like, because there's, I think, former celebrities have viewed with almost a little bit of pity, where people go, oh, didn't you used to be that person? And I think if you run your own restaurant, you know, I love a restaurant where you've got a sort of a manager who's walking around the tables, he's sort of the life and soul of the party. He's my thing, welcome. And I think that's the thing you do, isn't it?

That's the... It's like if Banana Rama had a banana shack. Or something like that. It was like, you know, like an arrested developer. Yeah. I can't say anything. I can't say any time I've ever seen a banana shack. Banana Rama banana cafe.

You kind of got it in there. And it's like, one of Banana Rama's going to be there. You can have your Sunday. Sure. Like, I, banana cafe, you kinda go in there and it's like, one of banana armor is gonna be there and you can have your Sunday. Sure. Like, I was almost thinking, there's like, restaurants with an angle. I think I'm always kinda like, there's always like that thing where it's kinda like,

so what's our restaurant? Well, there's something in that. Because that's good food. I like that, that's the tagline. Because I'll tell you now, the place that I was in today is a brand new restaurant that's opened just over the road from my house and they're having some serious teeth and troubles. Oh hang on, is this where you got these? Where I got the slightly dodgy eggs, yeah. I won't name it because I don't want to tell

you where I live. Oh no. But they took 18 months to open, which is already a bad sign. They've just opened now and they've opened and this is going to reveal who this place is. But they've gone for glass tables. There are glass box with a big cog mechanism on the inside made of gold and a glass tabletop. It looks naff as fuck. And it's probably really expensive as well, but I bet hugely expensive. And there's like four or five of those tables in there,

and you can't put your feet under, you can't put your legs under there. It's because the cogs are there, exactly. And then also, we saw a girl who had to clean the table. She didn't have to clean the top of the table, she had to clean the four sides of it as well. So it means she's got extra work to do. They're about to try to. They've had an absolute shocker. And also, I wouldn't mind if the eggs were, you know, an absolute

bis. But they were, they were, they were, they were under done. They did, they did everything too soon. They did everything too soon. Yeah, yeah. The eggs, the tables. Yeah. The clocks, they were, the massive clocks they were building. Yeah, they've The eggs, the tables, the clocks, the massive clocks they were building. Yeah, they've got these giant clocks sticking out of the walls that you sort of sit between. Wow. Is it clock themed? I think it is. Which is mad because it took him 18 months to open. They must have been looking at these giant clocks and cutting our, we've really made a rod for our backs here, isn't it? Time is literally on our walls, but not on our side. I did a gig in a village the other day. That does sound like it.

And the centre of the village is obviously there's this pub. It's very small, yeah. And but when we got there to do the gig, we were chatting to a couple of the locals and they were saying the village was in turmoil. Oh, yeah. Four months ago, new owners had taken over the pub, changed the food in the pub and all

this kind of stuff, tried to make a go of it. And on the Friday before the gig, someone had anonymously delivered an open letter to the owners of the pub pointing out what they're doing wrong and how they can improve and then put that open letter on the Facebook, the Village Facebook site, so that everyone could see it. In like what is the usually one of the most passive aggressive acts because you could possibly have ever heard of? Anonymous but open letter.

Yes, saying we just think you need these tips, we want you to know what people are thinking about what's going on. How do they put the letter on Facebook with it and make it anonymous, though? Oh, that's a very good point, actually. I don they put the letter on Facebook with it, make it anonymous though? Oh, that's a very good point actually. I don't know. Maybe someone else posted it if they... I think, I don't know.

And to a certain degree, there was a sense of like, you know, like the guy who nails his religious guy, who put his fucking nail the letter to the church. Jesus. No, jeez, the letter. He knelt in something. Never a cross. Now I think about it. I think he had some help with that. Okay, okay. Now I think about it.

I think he had some help with that. You always think that was a hard part. You let a semi-charm kind of crucifixion. So yeah, so basically they put it up outside the restaurant. Yeah. Because here's the thing, I want this restaurant locally to be good. Yeah. I want it to be so good.

So you're close to this. So Charlie and I were talking like, what do we do? Do we do a trip advisor? Do we go on, you know, like so tricky that isn't it? Because it's so trippy. Be it me, be it me. Because also as well, this is tough, but I didn't know who ran the place.

But then when I got there on the first day, we were the first paying customers by the way, really excited be the first paying customers, also the first customer was to get a refund when they couldn't make the coffee machine work. But we, when I got there, the guy knew me. So he was like, oh, I know you, nice to see you, and I was like, I didn't know you were running this place, we know each other just from the local area. Right, he's not a funer-buddled person. And he was like, you should run a comedy night here, and I was like I didn't know you were running this place. We know each other just from the the local area Right, he's not a van about us and he was like you should run a comedy night here And I was like I'm not fucking not doing that and but I

I so I cut them no more enough to go like Here are my things that I think a problem has got place my thing well Boxes Should not turn cars But I also think some of the problems are so big that like if I was to say look try and see if you can vlog these tables and replace them with wooden tables you can sit at. That would be number one. Get proper chairs and also let's talk about your, like they, also, they clearly want to do, like I saw some people's food coming out

and it was like greasy spoon food, they looked amazing. But I'd had the avocado with poached eggs because they want to be a bit more up market. But the smashed avocado was guacamole, like it had loads of lemon in it. It's like you don't know what you're doing. Do you want to do like a sort of slightly posh

hipster-ish menu, but you don't know what to do with that? Just make it a greasy spoon cafe. I'll be happy with that. Yeah. But what do I do? I'm in a situation now where I can't go up to him and go, look, we're in a society built on feedback now. We every single thing has feedback.

Everyone wants to know what you think of it. Totally. It's like, I would be the opposite of that if I run a business. I mean, you know what? You know you know what actually just keep your fucking opinions yourself mate? I like my tables as a glass and with cogs. Yeah. Because like, but you're right, I know you're absolutely right. It's a real problem because you really, you'd love to have your local restaurant being something that you love. I want it to be good. I don't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do it for any other reason other than basically selfish ones. So ultimately, selfish yet altruistic.

I think you've got to pick your battles and I think the tables might, you can't. I'm not going to do the tables go. Tables are going to slide. Yeah. Well, they are, yeah. They're going to be bad. They've got to slide. But I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't that avocado, yeah. I like lemon on my avocado, but I suppose that's... How do you like it?

I mean, this was your ever win the morning. This was lemon with a side of avocado, right? Right, a little spritz, you know. That's been much thing. Talking of feedback, by the way. Whee-yo! You're back at the other one, Gig.

I'm back at the other one, Gig, no. Talking of feedback, this is quite a London-centric thing to talk about in the podcast, but why not? I was in an Uber the other day. Oh yeah. Gosh, they have Uber's outside London. That's true, they do, they do. But I- They're just like a normal cab.

Yeah. I was in Wolverhampton and I was like, we've got Uber now and I was like, great, I caught myself in Uber. It was like Thursday night, I was at his house. I'll Uber home and it said, you're Uber, we're with you in 15 minutes. It was like, oh, I got, I just call a cat.

I just call the cat then, yeah. Like this. And as I was getting out of the Uber, in fact, Clarke, it was on your birthday. Oh yeah. So we traveled back from Clarke's birthday in an Uber together. Lovely.

I shouted Clarke the Uber because it was his birthday. At least you could do. Absolutely, I could do really. But it's the least you could not really present. No, I think about it. I'll get you in the heart, I'll take that. But at the end of it, I hopped out the Uber. And we'd been very civil to the driver.

We went, causing trouble. You got on my son. And I saw him pop three stars. And I went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Three stars. Why three stars? He went three stars is standard. I give everyone three stars. And I said, well, how would you like it if everyone was giving you three stars? You went, they shouldn't be giving me three stars.

And I said, well, listen, why are you giving me a three star rating? You went, well, this is mad. He said, the entire journey, you chatted to your mate. Yeah. Didn't make it fun for me. I was like, didn't make it fun for me I was like didn't make it fun for you I said this guy I said it's my friend's birthday. I was making it fun for my friend We were having some sparkling conversation that could quite well have been podcast He really didn't think so didn't think so I love the chat and probably bumped it up to a four he sounds a bit like our I choose Reuse Three stars had to rate that fun for me?

Make it a five mate. And I said to him, my standard is five. Five in a tip, unless something goes horrifyingly wrong. Right? Has to be horrifyingly wrong if you don't tip. Yeah, because if it goes wrong, I'm not tip. If it goes wrong, and I can turn it around, like, I cut the car. It's just a little...

I'm just going to... When you've got three stars, mate, when you're going to be in traffic, mate. No, like I've had some cab drivers say some pretty spicy things about the world we live in to me. Right, I have some more. And then I've managed to chat to them and hopefully they understand why I don't think that's an appropriate thing to be sharing with strangers.

And then they've often said, yeah, you know what? Maybe I spoke out of turn and I've gone, you know, fair enough, that's still five stars, right? Because ultimately you made me feel good by agreeing with me. But I can't believe it just from chatting to you, Clarkie. I got a three star rating. I listen to you to chat quite a lot And I can I can see where this guy's coming from I zone down those chats. Now I think about it Look, I'm gonna make a living mate. Look you want access to your heroes. I'm a lubed-rife The weird thing was you were down as Barry not Barry, but, I know, but that's the way Clark is doing. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER MUSIC

MUSIC What's the worst thing you've considered eating? MUSIC Well, well, well, what an episode. We really set the world to rights there, I think. Incredible, Clark is absolutely right. It came straight from our voice boxes. It is coming to the egg now.

We've not dressed up before, but I think it's a really good boy. I mean, that's it. I mean, people say, where do you get your ideas from? It's from Clarkies Voice Box. It's from Clarkies Voice Box. We know in the listeners' air canal, but they don't know where we're operating from. That's very true. It's been Clarkies Voice Box all the while.

All three of our voice boxes. All three of our voice boxes. Our voice box I. Our voice box I. Yes, and if you want to keep on hearing what spreads forth from these voice box eye, then please hop on Patreon and show us some support. We can't do this without all your love and support. Our Patreon family we're very grateful to.

There's lots of tears that you can get bonus footage and treats and perks in that order. So get on Patreon, forward slash, pop these flat share and find us. Yes, and if you would like to give us a, if you can't find it, you can always go to shityeamoney.com and there's a link to it there. And if you want to just give us a one-off donation,

we also appreciate those. Those are always, they were all never saying a, we'll never say nay to a bit of the old cash. Because we ain't got none. Yeah. But it's very kind of you to everyone who's donated so far. Thank you so much. It means the absolute world to us. If you cannot donate, then please just leave us a review on iTunes.

Follow us on Twitter or Facebook and send us a nice message or just recommend it to your friends. That's the real thing. We want to get more listeners. We think these podcasts are fun and funny and some of you seem to think so. Some of you don't. And you know what? That is absolutely very nice. Thanks for being honest guys, please, it's the least you could be. We thrive on your feedback guys. I like it actually, I think I've got into a sort of like, I think with these podcasts, I've got into such a sort of Zen state of I like them so much that when people go, I'm supposed to be indulgent, I go, yeah, but you know

what, some people enjoy it and some people don't. In fact, when you leave us a review on iTunes, this time round, why don't you make it out like it's a TripAdvisor review of a restaurant? So imagine the place where you'd come to eat. Right, stuff. Tell us how the podcast would be if it was a place of food. And give us a review.

Give us a review. Still the word restaurant, I think. Okay, go yeah. Thanks for food is another way. Another way to go. So give us a review as if you've enjoyed the meal of our voice box. We'll also be opening a restaurant

in a couple of months time called A Bess of Food. A Bess of Food. And we'd like you to review that restaurant as though it was a new baritone. And then review a new baritone as though it was our podcast. So there's a chain of reviews coming down the line. Just keep up. Yeah do send us a message on Twitter as well because we've had so many fun messages from people who have been enjoying the podcast. They're always appreciated. We try to

respond to as many as we enjoy. And if you're not on Twitter, if you're walking past our PO box, just give us a knock. That's the main thing. We are going to be holed up in the PO box. So we'll be there. Give us a knock, but it goes with that, I say. Fun fact about that PO box, it's actually run by Ashley Cole. He runs it. It's about three euros.

So obviously if you're stopping by, be honest. Do you guys, it's because it's actually, it is livelihood now. It is. It's not a least bit. The least you can do is be honest. The least you can do is pop a lump of coal into our PO box and be honest about it. Please be honest about it, okay. If you'd like to come and see us live, we're going to be doing some live flat-chest slam

downs. Clarke, you've got one you always like to tell us about. Oh, you guys are. Wait, hang on a sec, are we done them? It's his only job. Oh, tell me it's not fair. Oh, listen, we've already done this Are we done them? It's his only job. Oh, tell me it's not fake. Listen, we've already done this gig, but let me tell you about it.

Yeah, okay, it was so good. We may have done it on the 8th of September. It started at roughly seven. We don't know. Seven. And let me tell you, it was abused. It happened. I probably was abused.

It was abused. I was an absolute abused. He's talking about it all year. Oh, I like, well, I, it's replaced your birth date. I think she broke. I was an api. He's talking about it all year. Oh, I know. Well, I, I, it's replaced your birthday. I think you broke. I didn't talk. I didn't turn up at the end.

But you got two dates now. The sixth of June. The eighth of September. But, but just the eighth of September 2019. Okay, Emma is now telling me it will, it will have happened already. Oh, it was my god. You know what? It's just going to get, it looks like it will have happened already. Oh, it was my gosh. You know what, it's gonna get,

it looks like it's gonna get in August. So we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we have, we That is MPM, shall we? It's Clarkies Day. It's Clarkies Day. It's Clarkies Day. If you want to, you can go to a King's Place website to get the tickets there and they'll be a link on our Twitter as well. Thank you so much for listening. Is there anything else we need to say? This episode was produced by one person. And that person is Emma Corson.

Corson to you. Stand by for the Patreon neighborhood watch Rockle. Caution to you. Stand by for the Patreon neighborhood watch, Rockle. Cheers everyone, bye! Thought I'd leave a little pause. Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely dead air. We thrive on it. Like feedback, we thrive on dead air. The fresh brinses of dead air.

LAUGHTER The fresh brins of dead air. I am the fresh brins of dead air. The fresh brins of dead air. The fresh brins of dead air. The fresh brins of dead air. I am the fresh brins. I am the fresh brins of dead air. Cheers, well bye. People of podcast land, please be upstanding for the neighborhood watch patron roll call. Prevent.

Prevent. Prevent. Watch Patreon roll call! Oh! Oh! Oh! Well, let's get right into... Sour! He's... He's no dead wood. He's Mark.

Edwards. Please give me a chance to cough! Screamed Robert Kiyoff. He's loads of fun. It's David Lopton. Are you dancing? Who's... Who's that? It's Rob. He's coming stuck with us. He's done stuck with so. He's got an absolute car key. He's so bad at this. I saw him dancing through the gardens.

It's Reese Parsons. Are you dancing? Who's asking? It's Reese. It's David. It's David Lopton. Are you dancing? Who's asking? It's David Lara Wilson! It's just Lara Wilson. Lara, thank you for your donation. Oh, baby!

Oh! Be warned! He's in to stick porn! Oh, be warned! He's intersting porn! It's carath, but he got... Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Please be warned. Have you been born to make a stickborn? And then finally, he's not a coward, he's Michael Howard. Bless him. Bless him. Bless you Michael Howard. I hope he's these ones scared.

He's not scared of blink of an eye. He's not a coward about that. Oh, oh. Oh dear. That concludes today's neighborhood watch Patreon roll call. Please be upstanding for the Stickboard List of Shades! We've been on some Stickboard websites and these are the names of the three subscribers Ben Clark, Thomas Barry, and Matthew Crossbow.

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