Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Fancy Dress Funeral) S12E02

Episode Date: February 8, 2022

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. Off the cliffs of Dover with an accidental caffeinated drink, this ep is roastedLIVE IN PERSON SHOWSMONDAY 21st: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/259064598187TUESDAY 22nd: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/259069783697BOTH SHOWS for £15: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/259069783697Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See out for details. Greetings! Listen to the deer, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. I'm Matthew and welcome to the first house meeting of the year. Attention! Okay, why not?

Sir, a military theme to it. No, I don't know why. I don't know why I did that. We're asking for your attention, listener dear. Give us your attention and we'll chat for a bit. That's the way it normally works. attention, listen to this. Give us your attention and we'll chat for a bit. That's the way it normally works. Yes, that's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All we ask is you give us 45 minutes of your time and we waste it for you. That's kind of, that's the basic premise of the show. Yeah, a lovely fun chat today. But there's obviously business to deal with that this this month, we've got two flat-sheast land and recordings happening live in London. And we would love you as dear listeners because he business to deal with that this month, we've got two flat-sheast land-down recordings

happening live in London, and we would love you as dear listeners to be there for one, or maybe even both of them. That's right, to double-header, we're going on Monday the 21st and choose the 22nd, back to back to back. Nothing on the Wednesday, but, you know, you know, stick out, stick out,

we'll use more emphatic to say back to back to back. Yeah, and it also, of course, you know, with the Wednesday being free, it means if you do know us personally, get in touch, we'd love to hang out. Why not? Let's make it a tripla. Let's make it a tripla.

Let's focus on the first two days, on the 21st, 22nd. We're gonna be at the Phoenix pub, the famous, London's famous Phoenix pub, just behind Oxford Circus. They've got a great menu. They've got a fine selection of ails Yes, and a great part. Let us use for free So it's absolutely cool. It's place. It's it's absolutely that it's everything you want from a venue and more

Yeah, I mean, I'd say if anything You don't even need to see the show just come for the venue Such a wonderful venue, the Phoenix Government just square. But if you'd like... The last time I was... Oh, yeah. I'm still pushing... I'm still pushing head a little bit on trying to promote the show, so that's the right parry. But we can... We can reminisce about the Phoenix possibly off Mike.

Well, we can do that on the Wednesday. The Wednesday will be memories. But a memory of... Monday, there's 21st and Tuesday the 22nd on Wednesday the 23rd. Yeah, so tickets are 9 quid, 7 pounds if you're a member of our Patreon, so well worth joining. Oh, you can get both shows for 15 pounds, 13 pounds if you're a Patreon. And yeah, why not? Why not get yourself along?

Because they're so fun. If you enjoy Papi's Fakshest land down, then there's nothing like being there in the room for a live recording. They're really, really electric evenings. We have a great time. Absolutely. Are we ready to announce a couple of names already?

I think we can. Let's do it. Okay. Crossbow. Announce away. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Well, he's right, he's right, Tom is right, I will be there, but don't let that put you on for rights. You've got to get through me and Tom and Ben to get to the good stuff, okay, the guests.

Now, we've got two brilliant guests, book for the 21st. We've got Sarah Keyworth, who we've had as a beef brother's cold cuts guest before, but we've never had her do a flat-chest slam down. She's an absolutely brilliant stand-up. And we've also got another fantastic stand-up, Josh Pugh, who you may know from his brilliant videos he does on Twitter and stuff like that. But he is my favorite comedian online.

I absolutely love his video. Yes, he's great. He's absolutely brilliant's great. The funniest thing to come out of Wolverhampton since Clarkie decided to move to London. And yeah, that's right. It's going to be a midlands. In fact, where's Sarah from? Because she's certainly not from London, is she? Is it going to be a midland special? I know she's your, she's your, she's your not from London, is she? Is it gonna be a Midland special? I know she's Yorkshire. She's not on the New Yorkshire. Yeah, she's Yorkshire. Well, it's certainly not gonna be a Southern special.

I'm gonna be very much, very much in the minority. But it'll be a fun show. So come along to that one. Guests, TBC for the 22nd, but you know what? They're always fun recording. They always have great times. That's all my bandas. Come along, guys.

It's always great. I always have the great time. It's all my friends. Come along guys. It's always great, the records are always great. If you wanna get tickets, eventbright.co.uk, or there'll be a link to the both shows and the dubbler in the show notes to this podcast. And also as well if you wanna join the Patreon, patreon.com, forward slash Pappy's Flat Share to get yourself a bit of money off the tickets,

plus so many wonderful, fantastic bonus shows. And I knew one every week, it's a great place. I knew one every week, but anyway, let's get into our new one this week. It's time for our house meeting, here we go. I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you.

I want to talk. I want a chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat. Has meeting. What temperature should we set the heat to? Has meeting. Why on earth am I always waiting? Has meeting.

Who went my bed while I was sleeping? Has meeting. What's the point? Does life have a meeting? Half meeting. Before we get started proper, I just wanna say, I am coming down from an accidental caffeinated coffee. Oh, I went out of restriol today this morning with Charlie

and our little baby, and I ordered the deca decath and it was halfway through telling a very, very unnecessarily aggressive anecdote about a podcast I'm listening to to Charlie. Not a podcast she's listening to, but just that very emphatic about this podcast I was listening to when I was like, oh dear, I've been spiked. Oh no. I've been spiked. So, but luckily that was, what time is it now?

It's one in the afternoon now. Oh, we've got you for the crash then. Yeah, you've got, so the walk home was the hating myself and worrying about a re-aspecting my life. And now it's just the slow crash into sort of catatonic state really. So that's just a just a clear the air in case you're wondering. I normally don't on that journey every record we do so. Yeah. You're probably being sink. You're probably being

sink with me to be honest. Oh that's even worse. We're sinking up. We have time. I'll just leave Clarky carrying the last 10 minutes, because that's all where I, by that point, I've just hopped on the passenger train and you've got out just, I'm just planning my funeral and stuff like that. And all the last 10 minutes. I think you've got any big plans for your funeral? When you have a funeral, Tom, you know,

it's not far away. Wood is, would you have a funeral, Tom? You know, it's not far away. Wood, would you have one of those funerals where it's like because they were a very, you know, a very colorful person, I want everybody to dress it. I want to see people wearing black. I don't want to see everyone wearing, you know, morning suits and looking morose. I want everyone in yellow t-shirts and shorts. What would you, what would you do for your funeral?

Slip and slide off the white cliffs of Dauvin to the sea. Well, no, that, that would be different, Dauvin. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no And you like leg in a wing, meh, straight down a slip and slide off the edge of the white cliffs of Dauvin. And you're going to have sort of bollocks to Brexit along the side of the coffin. Is that meh? Well, almost no two hundred fifty million. My tattoo will be on display, won't it? Anyway, so there's no need. It's going to be an open casket, even when they're doing a burial at sea. It's very rare you get both. And a. 250 million is not the side of a bus study more. It's on the side of my butt. Alright.

Yeah, I'm alright. If you're alright, I'm alright. No, I don't, I'm not really one for thinking about planning your funeral. I think it's for others to do. It should be, it should be really, shouldn't it? It's not your thing anymore. It's like, I don't think you should want control of how people remember you. Today should be really shouldn't it? It would be bad if like four years after you've passed people are chatting Did we ever get round to doing that?

Because I know he's definitely got I've still got his body at the top for the I've still got his body at the top for the slip on the line. I've still got that video of the slip and slide on my phone. Presumably, you know, are there rules to sort of the wacky funeral? I know there's the, obviously, there has to be, because otherwise there should be dead bodies all over the place, you know. On the top of trains, instead of like that, you know. You just... You can get this body over this pub. Every circus has been renting out there, Canon,

they like, like obviously the circus days, but on the off days, you can fire a body out of a Canon. You can fire the body, or just the ashes. I mean, I think the ashes of the white clips have dove up. Always. It's gonna be off the white clips. Because you've always loved the Kent coast, haven't you? Whenever I think of the Kent coast, I think of you.

Whenever I think of Dad's army, I think of you Tom. Britain's last line of defense. Just hurling bodies that were kind of at the French. You ever go to those like pillbox defense kind of things out on the coast. You know and you're on like a sea walk. Yes. And you come across old coast will defenses. Yes. Yeah. I you come across old coast or defenses. Yes. Yeah, I used to be lovely

that he could piss. So like, they were absolutely honk of piss now. Yeah. Yeah. I like I would argue there amongst the worst places in Britain. if you have to lose a bet and be like I can't wait to see this travel up. It's the worst, the worst. It's the heavy, heavy, heavy. There's a reason Zander Armstrong isn't being filmed walking right in the coastal defense. They are like obviously geographically, they're really interesting. There's a story behind them, but unfortunately they all absolutely honk of peace.

And I think they're either used as bogs or dogging. I think that's kind of, I know there's a very kind of rampant, dogging scene in the coastal defenses around Dover. Kent, Kent, that's a bit of a deal. Kent's big for dogging. I think it might even be the dogging capital of Britain. You can kind of understand it in the post-all boxes because you've got a nice view of the sea. That's quite amazing. I imagine that's quite a pleasing sensation, isn't it?

It's quite common, yeah. I don't know who you're with. You don't really care because you're having it and you're looking out to sea. Anyway, I thought we were going to be looking in through those. Are people looking in as well? Yeah, of course. People are looking in, but we've your head, mate. I'm trying to watch the sunset. Was it Oscar Wilde who said, we're all looking, we're all looking in the head to see.

We're all in the coast of the fetters, but someone was looking at the sea. We were fucked up on the beaches. It is like, they need a good spruce up. Like that's a DIY SOS I'd pay to see where we spruce up our coastal defenses. Turn them into an Airbnb. It starts with the extra bridge, buying up all the coastal defenses all along the coast of Britain and then it ends with Mariela Frostrup sitting outside them.

Somebody goes in, it's basically it's's like escape to the shadow meets sex box. Yeah. It finishes with them raising the dick straw bridge. But anyway, it's just all I'm saying is they've gone to seed and it's a shame. They absolutely honk. Bad was close to the first. Bad. Do you, do they smell like Edinburgh alleyways? During the festival, yeah, yeah. The second were smelling. Yeah, but I think those alleyways smell all year round. I think it's an Edinburgh lie that their city only thinks

during the festival. I think that's what Edinburgh residents want us to believe. If you're listening in the fair city of Edinburgh, do get in touch. Papi's flat share at gmail.com. Tell us. Because we know there's a hobby smell. When you arrive, it's the unmistakable hobby smell when you arrive in Edinburgh. Presumably that's not just for the festival, but do all of your alleys stink of piss year

round. Yeah, that's good to say. The alleys don't smell of hops. No, they smell the effects of hops. They smell of the aftermath of hops. Too right. How's B.D.? Can we get this piece of the liver to the meat?

How's B.D.? I don't think it should be for the person who's died to be calling what happens at their funeral, because then like Basically, you should live your life to acquire the funeral you want, right? If you want a private quiet funeral lead a private quiet life that way You can't be like some boring mean sod who's not very generous and then like be like I want you all to be wearing red guys and flying flags and play this great music.

And it's like, hang on a minute, John. You were a boring shit for 30 years of your life. You can't go out like you're fucking, you know, Steve, if you wonder or something. Can I ask one that way? Yeah, sure, Steve, you wonder. You wonder if it's gonna be great, Steve. Yeah, of course he is. Of course he is.

It's just a shame you won't be there to see it, but then if he was alive neither. Oh no. Oh come on guys. All I'm going to say Tom is that I... Can you... if I go, when I go before you, please, please don't plan my funeral. Because I feel like... Your funeral planning's got a lot of judgment in it, you know You know how like it's very easy to love a person after they've died. I don't think that's applicable to you

I think a few hundred persons died you're like let's really drill down to who this can't was That's your love over That's you was always talking about the white tips of Dover. That's why we're gathered here today Excuse the smell To dog on his corpse. Dog in unaccombs. I just think I just think you get the funeral that what you give to the people around you, they should give back into your funeral and you can't cheat that, you can't shorten it out by giving it right in a cheating email, saying, you know, everyone cry and really miss me. I don't know, I know people don't know. Everyone have a really good time.

Just request. Would you mind terribly cry? Here's the thing, if they are a miserable sod as you were describing them, right, then why wouldn't people want to have a great time at their funeral? So, oh, like the kind of ding dong. Christmas Carol kind of in the alleyway having a good old laugh about the bedsheets. Yeah, absolutely. The piss-dained alleyway having a laugh at the piss-dained bedsheets, yeah. Christmas Carol was setting Edinburgh, wasn't it? But yeah, yeah, that's so exes.

So actually, maybe you don't get a funeral. Excuse me, what? Was that your, was that your Edinburgh accent? Sorry. A bit lighter isn't at the Edinburgh. That's not getting to accents. Let's go. Skees.

That's where I'm going. You've got to, let's not get into it. I'm going to do my accent anyway. I'm going to prove how much I'm not getting into action by doing that accent. Fancy dress funeral would be quite funny, actually. Does it have to be fancy dress where the theme is the person, an aspect of that person's life? Or is it just general fancy dress?

So it would be quite funny to pick like, you don't want people to be like, come dressed as me, that's weird. Right? Creep. So you don't have to be like, come to be themed around. It's a real idea.

So maybe it's just, yeah, just fancy dress and I theme. What about movie villains? Because I think I like to see you dressed as Bain delivering the unigly at my funeral. Oh, I have a good sense of where I'm at. I have a good sense of smell. Because of the episode, the coat was up to coffins. smell. If anything, if anything, my rotting cork was with act as an air freshener to those stinky little trenches. Movie villains. So for your, hang on, for your funeral, we're all going to dress

his movie. Yeah. I got from the Lion King. That's Clarky. Yeah, I got from the Lion King. That's Clarky. I got it again. Firewell, you don't want to hang me for a script if you're too much. You're getting so prescriptive. This is classic cross-me. We'll all get a letter in the party from the party. We'll all get a letter from the party. This is what you have to come as the penguin from that.

Surely that's that that that that we cross be in the coffin. Oh, I'm gonna be buried. It's the pencron. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. I'm gonna be yeah. But yeah, because you know, basically the penguin did wear a kind of sort of funeral morning suit, didn't he? He dressed a little bit like a Paul bearer. Well, I mean, penguins are, aren't they? They're all exactly, yeah. So, I mean, the, you know, the top hat, the long, straggly hair, the, the morning suit. I'm all, I'm basically already there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're going to be there. The gullies me, pala, because I'm dead.

I think it's good, man. I think I'm actually like, did he always look like that? Did he always have like that? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It would be funny, I don't know, I mean like, I think what the bit that you could control is like, it'd be quite funny to be buried like, you know, doing the peace sign and wearing sunglasses or something like that. I like doing peace out kind of. Peace out dudes. Yeah, kind of vibe. But you don't want to control what people are doing.

That's what I mean. You want to let the people do their thing, I think. Which is exactly what a hippie would say. So if I'm there with my long hair, my little round John Lennon Shades, perhaps a sort of tie-dye vest, some bell bottoms, and my Richter's fingers forced into the position of a peace sign. People are going to have a chilled out funeral anyway. Surely that's going to be how you'll go anyway. Charlie's dressed as Cruella de Vil. Sobbing into a Dalmatian-spotted handkerchief. It's a good theme for, you know, because if you think about it, you know, you don't want to make it all like superhero or anything, but you know, because if you think about it, you know, you don't wanna make it all like superhero or anything,

but you know, the idea of it being movie villains, there's that, there's a sort of negative aspect to it. Yeah, it'll look dark, it'll look black, and it'll be the right color. Yeah, I think it's good, man. There we go, I've got it planned. Isn't it a quake, is it a quake a funeral way you'll just sit around

and someone can talk when they want to? You know, I think we've talked about quite a bit. I quite like that as the way to go. Everyone just sits around and silence. Everyone just sits around and silence. And then someone says it. Not sit around and silence. Sorry, I said that before you said it before you said it before you said it before you

said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before you said it before we should have booked a DJ. We should have booked a DJ. We should have booked a DJ. We should have booked a DJ. We should have booked a DJ. We should have booked a DJ, I know. We should have booked a DJ. We could have pinched the pennies where you can, you know.

That's who our silence at the end of the night. I thought that was a, you know. Well, also the fact that Jane came down a long slip and slide off the edge of the white fixing down and landed on the altar. That's gonna cost a pretty penny. I'm just glad a parachute open when it did. But yeah, no, I think, but you have that at the funeral

we're, sorry, the wedding, no, I think, but you have that at the funeral, sorry, the wedding, sorry, where anyone can get up at any point to give a speech, or during the speech. No, no, that is not what happened. No? Something terrible. I apologise in which case. No, just had a lot to get off my chest and I apologize. What happened?

What happened? One rope, one rope, first. Wow, addressing us the red left. One rogue person. One rogue person launched themselves into the speeches. Right. So there was one breach of the political base that way. Right. Well, like, basically, I sat next to my new wife and she said, by the way, so and so, I was asked if they can do a speech

and I was like, oh, my God. And she was like, I said, they're good. And it was like, oh, because that's all how we do it. I think it's a Scandinavian thing. It's like that she was from Iceland. So I think it's that that kind of area of the world have this kind of anyone can speak at a wedding kind of thing. And I think that's, you know, but, you know, we had to nip it in the bud there else it would have, we're even chaos. I mean, it was chaos really, but

it was a breach of protocol that to this day, I still don't approve of. I approved of it greatly. It was a amazing talking point. It was a wild speech. Yeah, really took the pressure off, really took the pressure off clocky speech. Yeah, it was a bit of a slip talking point. It was a wild speech. Yeah, really took the pressure off, really took the pressure off clocky speech. Yeah, clocky kind of slipped a speech out

during the reaction of that, that happened to me. Well, whilst everyone was still reeling from capturing clocky kind of whipped a speech out, it's had that great job done, job. That's how clocky explained the stun silence that the entirety of the speech. Oh, there was still really, from the last speech. That's why it was all.

Shokun or she was Shokai was all extraordinary rendition. We don't get many speech like speeches at a funeral. I think like that's more like what you what would be good is like speeches like a wedding, but a funeral, right? Like, say, cross me when you go. You've got a lot of funny friends who hold you in higher steam. Yes, that's right. That'd be a great gig, you know?

Yeah, it would be a good gig. That's not a bad idea actually. This is what I'm gonna do a canoe man. And fake my own death and then show up and headlight my own future. The real villain. Would it be like a comedy roast at the crevatorium? Well, that's the interesting thing, isn't it? Like how hard can you go when someone's dead?

Oh mate, are you talking about the doggy thing? Yeah, no. Because we're gonna go pretty pretty fucking hard man, in honour of you. He died because he lived Stingock in piss. I'd you stand on comedy roasts. They're a weird old beast aren't they? I'd probably lead on the lectern personally. You all... You know, this is the kind of thing that my wedding guests... They were so busy reacting to the speech before.

I'm like... Sorry. What will do... What will do, Clarke? Is we'll drop in a claxon horn there, we'll get, we'll get caution to put in a To cover up our sort of fams, so confused silence It's far and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well almost almost anything.

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For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See you at for details. Here's my thing about comedy roasts. Yes. Go on. I think they're terrible.

And yet, I seem to always find myself watching them on YouTube. Yeah. Like, when a bit of clickbait comes on and it's like, watch so and so, really, watch so and so, I always go, oh, well, I'll watch it for a bit. And I kinda start with it again. Oh, this is an awful look.

I wasn't this horrible, but I've watched five minutes. That's my relationship with comedy roasts. And are you watching the comedy central ones that are, you know, the roast of William Shatner or the roast of Justin Bieber? Or are you watching, like, the British version, which is two comics roasting each other? No, no, like the old school American roasts. Right. I like the sort of, like, the Don Rickles, Dean Martin, that old school American roasts. Right. Oh, like the Don Rickles Dean Martin,

that kind of era roasts. Well, you're like, oh, it's like a class. It's kind of, you bounce around, you do a lot of the modern ones, where like Snoop Dogg's always there. Of course he does. And then like, then you go back to the more classic ones with like, you know, you know,

you kind of go Steve Martin or those kind of things. But like, they're odd beasts. And we haven't quite got it in Britain. We've got like the rap battling thing. That isn't quite what they're doing. I think that's a very generous use of the word we there. Top. We've got the rap battling thing. I think rap battling does happen. But I don't know how. We know. It rat battling thing. I think rat battling does happen. But I don't know how. We know. It's our thing.

It's our thing. It's our thing. At my funeral, guys. It's going to be... What are they doing? Drone of the wake. Mum's spaghetti. Of course they are.

Don't think much of these plates. Really, really absorbent. How do you feel about comedy roasts? Do you enjoy them? You know what? The ones I've enjoyed are the ones that are, you know, the ones that are just sort of the most horrendously offensive thing that people can say to each other. A bit less so. But there are some really good ones.

Like I'm trying to think of which... Have you seen the one when Norman McDonald does a roast? And he does like... Oh, yeah. ...really, really old. It might be like a roast of Bob Saga or something like that. It's like really, really old jokes. I like that sort of thing.

I think, you know... But I don't know. I don't like mean comedy. I don't want comedy to be. I want comedy to be. Fuck you. Just saying this is it, Clark, and this is why. This is why I gave you such short shift for your mean joke about leaning on a lecter. Yeah, I want to cut lectern ever done to you, Clark. If you're Clarking me.

Stop punching down. Stop punching down. Would you help those? Please stop punching the lectin. I know you miss crossby. He's gone. The old colony lectin himself. I've put aside Paul Parry, who gave Dresser's Electon, confusingly. I know. Hannibal Lecton. Yeah. The awesome movie villain.

Come on. Hannibal Lecton. I don't mind that. Parry, say it again, and we'll give it the Claxon treatment. Claxon, guys. Nick gets. What?

Hannibal Lecton. Oh my god. Oh my god. Ohktan. Oh my god. Love everything about that. Can we get a live effects pedal for this podcast where we can do that to each other? Would that be the end of us? They're always looking for that final straw to finish us off and it turns out it's a soundboard. That's what we need. Like, as we could do live kind of like tumbleweeds or like...

Clapsons or like... What they do on five live. I mean, I don't mind it. I'm with the bit. I don't mind it. Can we try it? Can we try it the next house meeting? Yeah. Sure. I mean, I don't mind it. Can we try it? Can we try it the next house meeting? Yeah, sure. I mean, I don't know.

I sort of don't know how it would work, because we're all over Zoom. LAUGHTER So what we do, we take it in turns to share sounds via the Zoom, and then we would each go, right, now it's Paris turn to, you know, fire some movie quotes at us or whatever. So we're talking half with you here opportunity go wow. Oh yeah. Yeah, okay, you get 20 minutes on I get 20 minutes on and I'll tell you what, this would work. Is he going to look in? Yeah, he's going to look in. That final thing.

That final thing. The gravy on shift, that final 10 minutes. When me and you are shitting out. He gets to play just like a low tone of existential dread. Just like this kind of growing in the background, like a Trent resin, the same track kind of thing. Just like, that'll be the final 15 minutes. No, like you know in any office when like you can choose

your raid the radio station or any office. Any office. Any office. New recent, let me tell you. Well then I will say this, back in the day. It's normally like one person decides what the radio station is, that sets the time for the office. But I bet now you're going to any modern office.

Everyone's just in their own world of headphones, aren't they? You think maybe headphones are taking away from the communal experience. Do you think if you simply dissolved headphones, we would immediately make for a more sociable world. Well, Tom, in your day, headphones existed, right? Not doing it. That's very true, actually.

That is very true, but they weren't. They just weren't as prevalent. You're going to see as many around. You know? I want to tell you, Tom, if you really want to, if you want to make, you know, be the change you want to see in the world, take your headphones off now. See how well the podcast goes. Actually, to be fair, I said you were so.

You wouldn't make any difference. I like to be as a loved one on my jokes, so you must not be wearing them. This, by the way, is, it's quite a mad concept because you're angry at a thing you don't know whether it exists. you don't know whether it exists. You don't work in office. You work from home. You're very rarely in an office space.

If you are working with other people, you're doing it over zooms, so you have to wear headphones, so it's not. But you're angry at a situation that you don't know necessarily exists. I can well picture this situation. It really gets my doubt. I tell you what, this situation is really nice. It really gets my doubt, you know. I tell you what, this thing that never happens is really making me lose. And the fact that I've had explained to me

that I don't necessarily know that it's happening is that's no blocker to me. I think worse than headphones, that attitudes of this thing that I believed me through having no evidence that it is true, is ruining the world. That's more of a problem in modern life than headphones are. I tell you what, do you work in an office that still... If you work in an office that still does the one communal radio,

that someone gets to pick the station for the day, get in touch. Let us know. The only office I've been working on. No. Get in touch. Let us know. The only office I reckon you won't get in touch. I'm going to imagine that I'm absolutely right. Oh yeah cool that's so way to do it. Lovely. Great, great, great attitude actually. Happy with that. Happy with that. That's what you might think. Headphone off. Another good record. He's relaxed now. That's really good might think. Headphone off. Another good record.

He's relaxed now. That's really good things. And everyone agreed. I can see them now, they're agree. Okay, okay. I'm gonna pop them. I must have taken my headphones off there for doing it in a monologue.

I'm really like, that isn't what happens when you take your monologue off. What people don't realize is when Thomas walk around with headbones, it's just, it's just, his own voice saying don't speak out loud for the moment. Don't sail the thoughts that are going through your head. Keep breathing. I do think, I do think there's something in it that I've got these noise canceling headphones. Oh yeah.

And like, I walk around with the noise cancelled. Yeah. And it means you kind of spend your day in a certain fog. Yes. But that's the idea of the mid-game. Yeah, well, but exactly. So it's like, I do think there's like,

if I was a playwright, I'd write a play called like, noise canceled. I'd say a play called like noise cancel. I said noises often. I'd write a play called the Maus trap. And he would run three and longer than the current Maus trap. I'd claim it like I'd been running for 115 years. I'd do the sequel actually, I'd do the Maus. It's the other side.

No one's ever heard that side of the story. Um, have you seen the Mace trap? I don't know. I want to go back to my play idea. I know, I don't actually. I'd love to go and watch it just to see the, uh, the man jump into that bath. LAUGHTER I tell you what, you arrive there.

Oh, for the room, for the room. 90 minutes of the show is them setting it up. Then they go, do you want to see the playoffs, you just, this often make the man jump into the bath and then it's it. And we're going bath, bath, bath and they all go after the four-year-never glass of wine. That'll be my funeral by the way. I like the way as well, you're saying, if I were a playwright, you are a writer Tom. You've written a film. I'd have written a plays as well.

You have written plays that have been performed. It's a fair. I've been in a play that you wrote last year. I've been in a couple to keep writing, to write another play about, to write noises off, noises off to you. Noise is off to you. Noise cats lick their friends. I would speak to Michael for own first just check

He's all right with you taking the title Now I've gone but noises off is it's a light thing isn't it? Ironically am I right? No, no you're thinking like comedy Right noises on his backstage backstage at a show right? So it is the other side is the back the backstage So it doesn't involve noise gunsling head friends per se Backstage at a show. It's the other side. It's the back stage. It doesn't involve noise constantly getting friends per se. Not per se, actually.

I think there is. There's no rules for making a show that has the same title as another show. That's why some films have this. I don't think there is any rules rules. So if you wanted to write a play called Noises Off, it's not a bad idea because, you know, there'd be a handful of people who would want to come and see it just because it was Noises Off and it's a very popular play, and then another handful of people would want to come and see it because it's the latest Tom Parry joint. Great, great. Get a few early bumps on seats, you know.

By the time they're really, it's the wrong noises off. You can, you know, you've already got their cash. So if you had to write a play and you could steal a title, repurpose a title, what would it be? How about it? I don't know. I don't know about how much. There's a lot of hamlets out there.

I don't think you'd be You know like it's about would your would your hamlet be about a small village? It would be it would be about a small village that has an addiction to cigars Nice right What's the effect is it's going after that I think it's all nice. It's me going nice, right. I think that was nice. I think, in the same way you get the funeral you deserve. That idea got the funeral it deserved.

One person showed up and said nice, right. Right, hell of a unity. Let's all move on, shall we? Let's move on, shall we? Let's move on, shall we? I think we can. But I think, I mean, what's a big, what's like a big thing that people would love to see

on stage, Jurassic Park, something like that, right? If you found out there was a stage show in London, either if it was in a small theater, especially if it's in a small theater, called Jurassic Park, you're gonna go and see. How are you repurposing the title? I'm calling it Jurassic Park. That's the content that's happening.

What's the content that I'm telling you? What happens in your Jurassic Park? Because it can't just be, you've got to have a reason for it being called Jurassic Park, but it happens in your Jurassic Park. Because it can't just be, you gotta have a reason for it being called your Jurassic Park, but it can't be Jurassic Park. Oh, you know what, the guy who is, it's gonna be a monologue about a guy, it's me basically, but it's a sort of,

I'm out. Yeah, you're in, it's not your house this is the thing you're already I sit down and the voices today the part of Matthew Crosby was played by Matthew Crosby and I got fucking out and the lights down come on

trot also this tiny thing it sticks up his it was a nightmare to find can't hear anything for the bloody sea. It's me, yeah, it's me, it's me planning my own funeral. Actually, that's not a bad idea, is it? It's, it's, the central character is dead, right? So, that's me, dead, lying there.

Is this part of your caffeine crash You're like caffeine crash live. I think it's happened guys His final words The words of the play The only words of the play. You got their tosses. It's just tossing what? It's... Hey, you like their tossing,

turning, jostling around, and then you say, you say, you're a sick park. And then, peep at the end, like, what is it all mean? Ah! Ah! Bidoy! Bidoy! I'm not a fan of the I'm not a fan of the I'm not a fan of the

I'm not a fan of the I'm not a fan of the I'm not a fan of the I'm not a fan of the I'm not a fan of the I'm not a fan of the I'm not a fan of the I'm not a fan of the

I'm not a fan of the I'm not a fan of the I'm not a fan of the guys there it lies. Listen, quick, correct the record. All right, well, we were listening to that. I Googled Sir Keyworth and she is from Nottingham. I knew it, I knew she was Midland. Oh, we all in Tweet's Midlands and then I doubted myself. Yeah, and because the thing is Tom, you've got such a sort of charismatic personality that you're able to push stuff like this through,

you're able to push people further up the country than they actually come. I knew she was Midlands. So it's a Midlands. It is a Midlands special. So that'll be great. Josh and Sarah on the 21st and guest TBC on the 22nd, but get your tickets today, link in the show notes.

And you know, yeah, also as well, I always forget to do this, but we need people to like and review the show. I'm still trying to work out how they, yeah, people need to review the show. People need to, I recommend it to their friends if you can, but also yeah, like the show, review the show because it helps more people find us and we want more people to, that's our big mission in 2022 for more people to hear this show because we know you like it and you're a good

person so surely there must be a good person. So surely there must be a good piece. You know, we can't we can't have hit every single good person who would like this show in the whole of the world. There's got to be people out there just walking around, life going on as normal, not realizing they're missing out on this podcast. Yeah, doing it. It's canceling the headphones on, but nothing played in it. Yeah, exactly. If you're going to block it, it's from the world. Yeah, we're talking about you. We'd like Tom to start listening to the show this year. That's our big mission.

Tom could, you know, he's showing up to the recordings, but come on, you know, become a fan as well. No, like and subscribe, and of course, tell your friends about the pod. Yes, absolutely. Today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Cheers everyone. Bye! Will you please be upstanding for today's Patreon BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM I've got it, I've got to tell you about the giraffe. It feels extremely put upon. Someone's been giving it too much work and that person is John.

Okay, you're right, here we go. Alright, that's the precedent, is it? Alright, in which case, the virus been set? I've got it, I've got to tell you about our antelope. I've got it, yeah. you about our antelope. Every time someone leaves their packed lunches out, he chumps them. And I tell you, he's been leaving out the most packed lunches. Jonathan Thompson. Oh, that's sad news guys. The elephant is a little bit depressed. And we've run out of volume. But don't worry, we get a cent in the animal clown, Callum.

Callum, as he's not. Callum. Yeah, Callum. Dear Callum. Guys, be careful when you go near the lizards. They had a big night on the town. They got pissed up as newts. And bored lots of blues.

And played music with Zoe Brown! LAUGHTER Oh, I've got to tell you guys about the pandas. Oh my goodness. No one wants to see our pandas anymore, because some buggers been sending them up the chimney and they come down all covered in sutt and so they're distinctive black and white markings.

And barely visible because they're so much sutt and I'll tell you what that bugger is, it's Andrew Garfoot. Oh, guys, who's been watching this? Andrew Garfoot, by the way, have you seen him in that new musical? Lost in the next video? He was the definitive spider man.

He's a boom. He's a tick boom indeed. Guys who's been washing the snakes? You've washed them too hard. You've been washing the snakes. He's been washing the snakes. He's been washing them too hard. You put them in a spin wash. They've got all floppy.

Oh, don't tell me it was Jess Poppy. Guys, who's washing the snakes? You've made them all sleepy. We need to wake them up with a bell quick, rigging ding its morning! To Lexi Selmick. Oh, God, who's been washing that snake? Seriously, I tell you what, they've come out of that spin wash and they ain't, I've got a sickly face. I was saying the same thing to Nikki H. Oh, boy, what was I going to say? Snake of a rhyme. thing to Nikki A Hitch. Oh my god. Oh my god. Snake of Orion.

Guys, who's been washing all the snakes? Who's been- I was to hang them out to dry over the ladders. It's absolutely chaos. Also, What? Oh, so well everyone! He's out of the room with the ladders. Yeah, he got it.

Closed up, slipped down, and twisted my foot. Was that you, Charlotte? Not! What? What? What? What? What? Someone's watching the snakes, guys. Guys, listen, the panthos been to Tesco. That is poor, a lot of legs.

Not where clockiness is best clothes. The panthos been to Tesco. Sorry, I said I don't like roast jokes, I'm sorry, clockiness. I've said in this episode I don't like roast jokes and he or I am roasting you. Yeah, I've so lately roasted the crap out of me there. Guys, this is serious. The punth has been to Tesco. This is serious.

He used one of those tills that's self-serving. He's spent all of the zoo savings on Easter eggs and he's given three of them. No. Suspiciously. To Sam Irving. Very suspicious. What does Sam know? Very suspicious.

Oh, guys. Somebody's taken the bats. LAUGHTER And they've been using them as come-a-buns. And that person has not given us a name, but they are a two-quid Patreon, so hats off to him. Oh no, he's... Guys, who's been training up the tortoises? And he's known the answer to this, actually. This has been a bug bear of mine for a while and by the way, who's been training out

the bugs and the bears? You can't do it guys, it's not what people want to see. Nobody wants to see a tortoise that is fast. True, true. I tell you he's done it. Is that, is it a bell last? Yeah. I am going to tell you something. Oh good. Thank you for that. I'm okay. I'm worried you'd passed away. Listen, the eagles being getting balder. Oh no.

Yeah, someone's giving it a haircut Who shaved the eagle? It was garifolder. Of course it was Older eagle shaver folder himself and with that I have to tell you the zoo is closed You can get anything you need with uber eats well almost almost anything so no You can't get an ice rink on uber eats but iced tea and ice cream. Yes. We can deliver that uber eats get almost almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats, but ice tea and ice cream? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats! Get almost almost anything.

Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See you at Pretty Tales. That concludes today's Big Kid Neighborhood Watch! Roll call! Bye bye! Roll call!