Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Fart Lilo) S09E25

Episode Date: September 16, 2019

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. This week they pump up their lilo, weigh up their body parts and DENIM!Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareSee us live 5th October, Aberystwyth Comedy Festival - https://abercomedyfest.co.uk/show/2019/pappys-flatshare-slamdown/Produced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, listen to here. Here we are in your ear canal next to me is Ben. Hello and next to you is Matthew. Hello. Next to you is producer Emmercorshire. And across the way from you is me. Strange, strange way to introduce that. We had started, I I'd say not a good start one that I regret yeah Listen never mind that now welcome to the show Still time to go again. No, but I don't think we're going to time Reprieve my distant friend you simply have to learn Why do we need to reprieve you distant friend? Can you reprieve you distant friend mate? Oh, guys, that's a sub-erber. Can you reprieve my distant friend?

No, you're fully twice shame on me. He's in real trouble. So this was real bad. This was a really fun episode of House Meeting. Welcome. And I hope you enjoy it. Thank you. Well, sorry.

I'll try my best. Yeah, do your best to enjoy it if you were pleased, Parry. Are you chatting to Listen Adir? I'm chatting directly into their internet. We need a system, don't we? Why don't we put our finger to our ear canal when we're talking to Listen Adir? What? What do you think of that Listen Adir?

Guys? I'm reprieved by this phone. Okay, now I am tempted to record this again. Please. Can I tell you now that he's reprieved. We are recording this intro after a double record of house meeting. And the next two episodes of house meeting, which you'll hear over the next few weeks, they're strong episodes, but by the end of the second one, we'd lost our fucking mind. Yeah, we've started to go a bit steregrally.

It's basically, we just sit in a room and talk to each other. And you know what, it's often the first time we've talked to anyone in a good few days. In a good few days. So the nonsense that comes out is really something to be be heard. And it is to be be heard in your very ear canal. Yes, that's right.

It's a bit frightening. If you're enjoying these podcasts, please stay proactive with us. Reviewers, right? podcasts, please stay proactive with us. Reviewers, my chiefs. That was always sent. Please, reprieve our distant friends. Please, if you can. Reprieve our distant friends by going on iTunes.

Even a five star review. Oh, I was getting up. I'm not going to roll. Reprieve our distant friends by going on Patreon. There's loads of different tiers. Reprieve our distant friends. Can I just say the energy that's loads of different tiers. A rip-off. I've got a lot of different tiers. Can I just say the energy that we're going to hit them with now,

compared to the energy of how this podcast starts. That's true. So it gets, so let's bring it back down. Let's relax it. Leave us a five-star review, guys. Just relax. Just enjoy some, so hypnotize them. Just relax.

Go to the Patreon. Yes. Have a so here we are. So you're money on the Patreon. Have a great time as well. Have a great time, enjoy yourself. And find us on Twitter and on Facebook when you find more information about the show. You can chat about the show.

Be honest guys. On Facebook fan page, which is called Papi's Famic Club. I'm just, I'm off to find a track closer to art to sedate my distant friend. Reprieve, reprieve, reprieve, and enjoy the show. See on the other side. I can't believe you wrestle that one away from me. Hahaha!

I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want a chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat. Has meeting. What temperature should we set the heat to? Has meeting. Why on earth am I always waiting? Has meeting. Who went my bed while I was sleeping? Has meeting. What's the point? This half a half meeting! What's the point? Does life have a meeting? Well, good morning guys.

Morning, pal. Here we are. Great to be here. Nice morning record. I've been up since 5am. Oh, incredible scenes. I've been enjoying it. I've been up since 5am.

How long do you your days these days? No, that you've had a child. Well bear in mind, if I can, I'll go to bed about eight. Oh my god. No, no, I go to bed, yeah, last time I went to bed about half past nine. So I get up at five, that's not that, that's not a hard one. So, and do you just chill out with the kid from five? Yeah, she was very windy, so I was up on burp. I had a similar thing. Yeah, we all do it, but you see what you've got that Clio doesn't have at this stage is

the ability to move your body in accordance with where the wind is trapped in your body to expel it. That's one of my best features. So if you wake up in the morning, you think, if this wind's got to come out somewhere, you know all the moves to get yourself into, all the sort of, all the contortions to make sure that wind is coming out either at the top or the bottom.

She doesn't have that, so I have to. Right. I have to start crying. Exactly, you get to a little position. You let out a fart, you shoot across the room and out the window, and you begin your day. So I've got a minute-per-lite hair body, moving it forwards and back and stuff,

digging it up and down to get the burps out, get the burps out. So that's a good start. Do you think if you caught the amount of wind you produced in your life? This is a great question, I'm glad you asked it. Now I have done it. You know those things that you've been collecting? You lie on your festivals. Yeah, I've got one at the house.

And that's all you. Every time I burp or fart, in it goes. I just, I push whatever orifice it's coming out of just up to that little thing and I pfft inside it. And then eventually you'll be able to sit on it. And then eventually I'll be able to take that to last a cheat. You can come up with that.

I've absolutely earned that. Yeah, that's full of... I made that. That's all me. You could, do you reckon you could fill a hot air balloon and travel to latitude with just farts and burps? With farts and burps.

How long until you reckon you could fart or burp or lie low, a double lie low up for you to sleep on? Well, I'd say you'd be able to do it in one go. You'd be able to do it in one go. I'd fall double lie low. I love that. God, what a skill that I've been. Walking around, walking around a lot of cheered. Go, what would you fill that up? And if anyone from that cheered is listening,

have you look into book and... I don't know if that's my cup of coffee. Sorry, Parry. That would be quiet, that would be quiet trick. That would be a hell of a trick. Yeah, it would be a hell of a trick. Not one I'd like to see, but I'd be impressive if you told me you'd done it. Really sticky though, do you think you thought Kagan Britons got talent? You think eight months to far your way up to a double-lyla. No, it's going to disperse, isn't it?

Yeah, but it's kind of like there's a valve. There's a valve on a double-lyla, anyway I don't think you can't beat the system is what I'm trying to say you can't fart fast enough to fill it up before it deflates itself anyway because if you fill up a lilo it's going to deflate right fill it up with air of any kind yeah but like the concept is it's airtight it's airtight it's a seal it's a seal it's a seal into it and it stays there. God, imagine. I'm quite excited, buddy, sorry. Here's the thing though.

If you get a puncture in that Lilo and you're in a tent, what? What? Get dead. Get out. That's one day morning. You're dead. Someone no morning, we were putting down the Lilo.

Oh, did you hear about Perry? He is fixated. What happened to him? Well, he had an eight month long project where he filled the Lilo with his own parts. He took on a camping trip, lay on some brambles and died. But he does, he lived. He was trying to lie to cheeky doobie his ten apples. Absolutely. Absolutely. He flamed up a doobie. Next was fart lie, though. Listen listen if you are going to flame a

putty be latitude please don't do next to a fart live low you need to be careful can we get that can we get on a t-shirt don't flail up you do you be next to a fart live low and please honestly be honest about it because my eyes are pissed yeah that's it because if you have gone through that experience you need to tell people about it. And then he might be embarrassed. Imagine at the funeral being like,

Tom died as he lived. Yeah. Like, just a bit too close. He's next to a fart lie low. Or imagine being the policeman having to tell your parents, like, do you? He was lighting up a doobie.

I don't believe he was next to a fart lie low. LAUGHTER The double shame of a man having a fart like that in the first place. And then it's like to pedooby next to it. The campaign begins here. We want to illegalize marijuana and criminalize fart like that. I think we've got the wrong way of thinking. We've got the wrong way of thinking with them. We've simultaneously invented and they tried to shut down our invention. Yeah, the super aroused Smoky's a dube.

This is like, what was the guy who invented the atom bomb? Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah. He was plagued by guilt at the rest of his life. We've put the fart level to the world. The fart level is out there. We don't want that to be our legacy. The GV is out of the ball.

We can't get it back in our legacy. The GV is out of the ball. We can't get it back in. You know what, guys? I mean, I don't puff on Derb, but... You do fight into the line. I do fight into the line, and actually, I think I'm part of the problem. Can I take this this morning? So I went out this morning after a winning duty has been completed.

Are you putting those baby parts going to an arm band? She's got her first swimming lesson in the month. Oh no way. You have to baby step up to the fart lila. You have to start with a little trumpy arm band. Yeah, we're filling an arm band. Of course. Of course. Of course.

She's got one, so we can't put it in the pool without it. It's dangerous. Swimming in circles. Swimming in circles, or most of you will be submerged apart from her arm. Yes, of course. Of course. Not waving.

It is weird that the arm band's pro-artisement arms is, why don't we have neck bands instead? Because you don't want to. I don't know about that. Think about it, Paris. You want the only way your body's be out of the water. To be your head. To be like a boiled egg.

Do you reckon you can do with those, like, the airport pillows? Yeah, quite enjoy that neck band. No, they always say, don't they? They say, don't take anything into the pool that isn't supposed to be a designated flotation device. Don't take a... So, that's So next one also. Therefore, of like bean bags or materials.

Some are inflated. But the neck band is a new invention. You put it on like a little fashion collar. And then you flate it. It's like a beef and rough. Can I just ask a question? Fashion collar. Yeah, fashion collar.

What's going on? LAUGHTER I mean, you just said it like it was a thing to get all clothes show live on you. Do you mean a necklace? You just say clothes show life. That's very good. What's a fashion color? The clothes show life was a ticket my sister would absolutely have killed for back in

96. I used to love the clothes show. Yeah, I used to watch it. No, for a minute. I was just a snappy dresser, but I always watch Jeff Banks and all the stuff he used to get out of it. Should we try and repitch the clothes show. Yeah, I used to watch it. No, I never been a snappy dresser, but I always watched Jeff Banks and all the stuff he used to get. Should we try and repitch the clothes show? Not us. Look at us.

Right, look at us. OK, three most. Look, you're wearing a pair of, let's face it. Oh, here we go. We're all fitting jeans. Hey, they're farmers jeans. Hey, is the opposite word. That was good.

They're farmers cut. Yeah, which is not a cut they do at top man. You're wearing Pringle golf socks. That's very quickly. No, no powering. It's a hard striped. You're wearing Reebok Three Stripes that are nice looking if it was 2005.

And it's been better nice. You've certainly seen better days than some shelf tops. You've also got the free t-shirt you got from a festival. Which I asked for. Which, yeah, exactly. You weren't working at the festival,-shirt you got from a festival. Which I asked for. Exactly, you weren't working at the festival, you just asked for it. And a jaunty smile.

A jaunty smile and a fart liner. Sorry, I got you. So you can do with a fart liner. So you're saying you're going to put yourself forward as the new Jeff Banks to host the clothes show live. What are your credits? I enjoy fashion collar, we know that. I do know, I do enjoy fashion. You don't even wear it a collar.

No, I feel like what we're bringing, it's like the opposite of queer eye. So like queer eye is kind of like, you know, all these fashionable people going to unfashionable and like bringing kind of like a new lifestyle to them. So you're John Evan Van Messe as a party John Van Messe. Nice. We're like, apparently not gonna give me anything for that.

I don't know, I don't know Quirray. Oh you've not watched Quirray. It's funny, it's the second week in a row you've mentioned Quirray on the podcast. Is it really? Yeah. It took about it last time with Annie McGraw. Yes.

But you've not seen it. No, okay, very much. But I know of it. Okay, so like we're like John Van Messe was a nice partner. It was great. We're like unfashionable people coming into the fashion world and casting kind of like the guy next door, the next man on the street, kind of like someone who literally shops in next looking and being like, hello, hello, look at that! What? What? What?

What? What? So the idea is it's idiot, basically, or novices. Happy amateurs. Happy amateurs. Talking about what is happening in the world of facts. They're, they're cold takes on. Cold takes, exactly, right?

Yeah, so it's the sort of thing that, like, oh, I wouldn't wear that. Just lots of that kind of stuff. Well, you know what? Britain's side of experts. Exactly. Here we go. Now it's a pro-tiex, it's television. This is post-Brexit telly.

It's people who are idiots. You've got no rights about what they've... You know, about something they've got no knowledge of. Yes. With the men for the job. I mean, definitely that job description does fit us to a tee. It's pretty much it, isn't it? Yeah. This is the Closed Show Live. Welcome to it, guys.

I am enjoying wearing a blue t-shirt today. And be stuff like that. Yeah. Can I say, I'm also wearing a blue t-shirt. How are you enjoying it? I'll tell you what? I'm enjoying the hell out of it. Exactly. I'm...

I'm fucking for a white t-shirt. I have. I've come for a white t-shirt. I have, I've come for a white t-shirt. And are you enjoying it? I am, very much. Well, join us next week on the clothes show. We'll be talking about jeans. What cut are you? Denim?

Denim? Oh! Oh, have you got any of those by-im cut jeans? By the way, that, you saying Denim at the end of that broadcast was like, do you remember the guy who had to do what was the name of the guy who did the the athletics? Oh yeah. And he ended his broadcast just by saying Jessica is. You're an upside. God, I can't remember his name. Oh yeah.

I'll remember it and I'll we'll drop it in. I'll Google it and we'll drop it later. But he was really panicking. Oh, have you seen the footage? I remember it well, yeah. The poor guy, he's out of his depth, he doesn't know what he's talking about. Well, I feel, before every one of these records. He gets to the end and he's clearly got a producer in his ear with his little earpiece in his ear saying,

you've got a mention Jessica Renis. He just says, Jessica Renis. And there's the show ends. Hi, so we've found it and it was artist daily hosting the athletics and we'll play what it sounds like, but you really should Google artist daily the legend Jessica and his goodnight to watch it on YouTube to really sort of see the panic in his eyes. Anyway, this is it. We have a gloriously sunny day here in the studio. We've seen some action this morning as well. Jessica Ennis, good night.

And that was like you go in, what cut are you? Dendin. There was a panic in your eyes, you're like, I can't think of any cuts of jeans. No, but look, I feel like we've got away from your flotation device. It's a great, it's a great invention. It's a great.

Okay, so, break it down for me. This was the story I was telling by the way. Oh, what was the story you were telling? Do you remember what I said I went out this morning? Oh, no, that's what we're talking about. Baby on, man. So, I went out this morning. You're out of the house.

Speaking of matters like this. Sons, baby, or a Vick, baby. Sons, baby. Whoa, Dadec baby. Sons, baby. Whoa, whoa, dad's on the loose. Baby's back in bed. Off you go. I'm off out, I'm gonna go and buy some. You point a real ale while the trouble and strife

for the old family are in. Yes, so if couple of points of 7am real ale, I drink on the wall outside my house. Guys, I can't wait to be a dad. Guys, I've got a problem. No. I went down to the shops to buy some real ale some essentials. Oh Really?

My next neighbors kid came out of their front door and I was going in and I always say hello to him And as he's on his way to school. I was the kid. I'm gonna say 12 I was the kid. I'm going to say 12. I hold it. I'm going to say 12, but I mean he's probably 12. I'm going to say it, and I'm also going to believe it. Right. And I said to him, morning, and I waved my hand, but I didn't wade my hand.

What happened to us? Because I had in one hand, I was carrying my tote bag over my shoulders, I was holding that steady. In my other hand I had the big block of toilet roll. So in morning and I waived, nine rolls of toilet roll at him. And he looked at me like, all right, we all have to do it. I'm 12 years old. I've been wifeed my own ass, you know, probably for the last... The pride you've never lost that pride. Eight years in a row. Yeah, it was really, I felt very shameful after it.

It was a bit like, alright, mate, it's all off to do. It was bad anyway, but I just don't have to. I've just done an absolute nine roller. It's a nine roller. It's a nine roller. It's a nine roller. You should see the size of my Lilo. Believe you, me. It's a six-only usual for better your feet.

It's a six-only thing. Is there something in the fact that we've kind of, you know, you accept things as being the norm. And for too long now, arm bands are being like, that's what happens. Yeah. Surely we're better than arm bands now. That's the part of your body you need to keep afloat,

that was it? Surely. Well, I want to get like Jeremy Dyson on this. Is it Jeremy Dyson? Yeah, that's the guy for the League of Gentlemen. Yeah, that's right. Don't get old Jeremy Dyson on this. But what if it was a Nickband that killed you?

LAUGHTER But like, surely there's a more... Yeah, that's right. You only get old Jeremy Dice on this, but what if it was a Nickband that killed you? LAUGHTER But like, surely there's a more... There's a better way of doing. Well, I see your point because the head is the vital bit. Essential, so to say. That's... As long as that's at the wall, you're okay. I think the head is the only part of the body that can drown. This is how drag is done, this is how it starts. No one ever said, oh, do you hear about parry? His hands drowned

Parry is If I do if I do go that way If the head drowns the rest of the body's following the feet drown you get a trench foot If the head drowns the rest of the body is following the feet drown you get a trench foot. Purry, okay. The only part of the body I'm worried about drowning is my head. He's the head. Always been that case.

We gathered in today the death of Tom Purry, his head drowned as he was trying to light a dube. Next to his far, Laila, the blooms stuck in. Across the latitude campsite and directly into the lake. We're going straight from a closed show live in the sequest DSV. This is Saturday afternoon television par excellence. His head drowned.

His head drowned. He sequest DSV, he's a little leaves. But that's it, you know, bits your body can die. Fine. You heard it in first, fucks first. It's fine. Right? Dead arm recover from that Dead leg recover from that. I guess very true dead head dead head trouble You're in what I like to call deep-duty

You are in serious nine-roll worth of doing nine rolls worth of fart mattress If your head has died, they're right now coming back from that This is serious. You're in nine rolls worth of dick. You're in nine rolls worth of fart mattress. If your head has died, there ain't no coming back from that. Protect your head, because what's the bit that Walt Disney had cry gently frozen? It's not his dick. Well, he probably has a zirke.

That's why I'm just don't hear him enough about that. Yeah, and actually dead dick will be pretty bad. Can you give someone a dead dick? If you've had someone in the dick, you want to try and give me a dead dick. I'm good to give it a go. All right. You ready? No, I'm not. I'm good to give it a go. All right. You ready?

No, I'm not. I'm not. No, no. We'll get a photo of it. I feel like she's not on the balls though. No. Anyway. Anyway.

The head. So the photo takes you to the white. It works like a little bit of rough. Yeah, a fashion. Which, by the way, is a roughs-tua comeback? Well, I guess they, most things have come back in the 60s. If you think about the outfit that George Laisen be wearing in Bond, is it a hemagic secret service?

Yes. Which is kind of the same outfit that they did not have until the other fella. Lovely stuff, thank you which is sort of the sort of thing they do in in Austin Powers it's kind of the outfit he yes you've got the kind of rough some cuffs there so in the 60s I think yeah it's kind of on the chest though isn't it I'm talking about the kind of you want the full out like head on a plate type of there there we go it's because that's what you're looking up for the flotation device effectively. Now have you got a big head or a normal size head? I always think if you were having a big face but a normal size head.

Bless you for that. I think... You've got massive head. I think my head's quite large. Yeah. Oh, from that size. Yeah, if you ever try and put on Tom's cap. Truckers' cap.

Do you think the rough would... I think it'll take a lot to dead that head? This is a head that's not going to die. It's the heaviest part of your body right your head. If you stick right out from other parts, so your head is heavier than your leg. My head's heavier than my leg. That's what they say. That's amazing. Is that true? It's not be heavier than the Tours though. Yeah, that's what they say. That one says that. Your head is the heaviest part of your...

That's gonna be like the most dense like... Well, in your case. Hey! I'm sorry, that was out of line. You're a nice man. Thanks mate. Oh, he's a nice man. He's not a bright man.

He's a nice man. He's not a bright man. Emma, could you google that for us? To find out if the head is the heaviest part of the body, because we need to find this out. But do you think, the question, I believe it, I believe it to be the case. There's definitely something in here.

I, okay, listen. We're gonna, let's now color the mask. Can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, torso? I'm saying torso is heavy. I'm agreeing with Clarky. Oh, you're both going torso is heavier than head, right? And I'm going head. And you're saying head is heavier than a torso. Head is heavy. If you've got, you know, there's some people with bigger torso than others. On average, yeah, we just do on average. The question I want to ask

though, Paris, is you've got a real battle going on there? Do you think there's a big headed man? Oh my God. And it's so... Yes, I was just trying to move away from Clarky being so mean to you. Yeah. Clarky. I thought he was a nice man.

I thought he was a nice man. I thought he was a nice man. I thought he was a bright man. Oh, we didn't think he was a sharp man. But he said nice man. Well, he was. I defied him to find a nice man than Clarky. Well, he's just turned.

He's trying to make his diamonds. So, uh, Paris, as a big headed man than Clarky. Well, he's just turning. He's trying to make just diamonds. So, Harry, as a big headed man, thank you. A man with a big head, you're not a big headed man. Thank you. And you're not a bright man. Oh, I'll pass you. Nor are you a nice man.

I'm a large headed man. Do you think the rough would minimize the size of the head? You know the way a certain hat, like a wide brimmed hat, could make a big headed man look like he's got a fine, cute, all ahead. I think he would accentuate it. Do you think he's going to look, you got an even bigger head? Because it separates it off from the body. It puts on a pedestal. You kind of go, look at that, look at the size, look at that. You put your own a peasant still more like. What? You know, like a peasant dispenser. I don't know about that. Yeah. I don't know, I thought about it and I thought I'm gonna say it.

And you know what? Flipspour on the curmer. That is the secret to good podcasting. Yeah, there's a real flipspour. No, welcome. Dead air is a crime. Dead head is a crime. Dead head.

Dead head is the ultimate crime. Anyway, you have this big rough, which that can't really suit you by the way. Thanks very much. Well, it suits Clarkies well, because he's got a trucker's look. Thanks man. Yeah, it's trucked. Looks better on everyone apart from me.

Now you look at the camera. Thank you for that. So, not a bright man. It looks good in the cap. Not a nice man, not a bright man. Barely a man. He looks good in the cat. Not a nice man, not a bright man. Barely a man. It looks good in the cat. After he's given you a dead dick.

So, you have, I mean like, we don't need to keep going back to it. You have an inflatable rough. Yeah. It's inflatable. Yeah. Plus, the benefit of that is you don't have to look at your own body when you're getting into a swimming pool. I mean, there's a lot of people

who just don't go with that. I think it doesn't want to be so wide that you can't see your there's a lot of people just think of with that. I think it doesn't want to be so wide that you can't see your feet because the edge of the pool has got big feet. Okay, so you don't have to look at the body, but you can see your feet. That's why. They're the safety guidelines.

Okay, so it's going to be. When buying and getting flatable rough, bigger than the body smaller than the feet. Please, please. Sure. Mm. And be honest. So,

and then in you go, you're free to swim. You don't feel that weirdness of your arms coming up. You know what, arms on. You know what would be an absolute treat though. Nice, nice, wide, inflatable rough. You're floating around, you don't have to move your arms and legs, you just, you know, just whatever, whatever. It's a play.

However the pool takes you, also as well, pop a cocktail on there. Pop a cocktail on the ruff. The straw. But then you can't reach it. The straw. You can, no, your arms, you can still reach around to your, your arms are strapped down to your shoulder.

That's hard, that's hard stuff. You think so, you can't reach around to your ruff? Yeah. So someone wearing a ruff can't scratch their nose. That's what I'm out. I'm out. Also, you can't see like, for a long time when I was a child, any body of water I got into, including a swimming pool, I'd freak out that a shark was going to.

Yeah, I think I think pretty much everybody who saw George as a child thinks they're sharks in all water. Yeah. I was obsessed with it. I was obsessed with the idea that they've been sharks in the water. Very scary. I love to panic and get out of all. Do you have, because this is, I feel like we might have talked about this before, but have you got the fear which I had as a child of fear of mechanical things underwater? Because you found out that jaws wasn't a real shock. Yeah. When you find out jaws isn't real and actually when I saw the jaws ride at Universal Studios, which is very, it's brilliant. But basically, you go in a little,

it's the Universal tour. So you go on this little caddy that drives you around and it takes you through to different locations. One of them, and they take you through Amityville. And is it Amityville? No, it's Amity. Where's George? Amityve Island, Amity Beach.

Something like that. Yeah. So you go through a little bit of water, and the water sort of splashes under, so it's like proper, you know, splash is under the cart, and you can see it, and then suddenly the fin comes along, and then the jaws leaps out, it's like right by your face, it's like, it's brilliant.

It's like, you know, and everyone's screaming, and then it goes back around through the water, and there's a guy fishing, and it leaps up on top of the guy, and the guy around through the water and there's a guy fishing, and it leaps up on top of the guy, and the guy disappears under the water and water bubbles up and blood bubbles up. It's really scary.

But as you're coming away from that bit of the ride and going towards, I don't know, King Kong or whatever the next bit is, if you look back, you can see the ride resetting, and that to me was the creepiest bit. Not the bit when it was, so I could see the, you could see the shark going, the fin going backwards to where it's supposed to start

and you could see the man popping back up. Something about that really gave me the heebie jeeps. Well, yeah. But it's a real fear, the fear of mechanics underwater. It's a proper thing. Emma's nodding. What's it called? Oh my God. Sub mecha-

Sub mecha-Nophobia. Fff. Yeah. But I always always worried there was gonna be like a mechanical shark in the swimming baths at Downham when he used to go to my swimming lessons. Ooh. And I thought those little, you know,

the little filters of shark was gonna just burst out on the filters and chomp me up and not with the reason and logic of a human being. Of a living creature. A human being, for example. No, but like not a human being, but you know they say you can pop a shark on the nose and it'll go away, you know. But you can't pop a robot shark on the nose,

it's just designed to chomp you up. Yeah. I get scared of the filters. I've scared myself now. I'm not going to like you. There's a mechanical shark under this table. I'm going to need those 12 rolls. I get scared of the filters when I was a kid as well,

thinking I'd get sucked in. Yeah. Well, you can get sucked in. Yeah. Well, there are lots of horror stories about it, aren't there? People swimming in a reservoir and they get sucked into the bit that sort of filters the water. Oh, horrible stories like that. Oh my God.

Grim. Good chat. We should move the topic on. Emma, play the housemate existing. We'll talk about something else when we come back. What you show me here? What's the heaviest organ in the human body? All right, well, in just a moment.

LAUGHTER We'll do a complete reset on the podcast and we'll tell you what's the heaviest organ in the human body. House meeting! Can we get this piece of the liver to the meat? House meeting! Perry. You said it was the head.

Yes. You know what? Parry You said it was the head. Yes You know what this is not this is not the other of us we needed her Emma. I don't think yeah, I was gonna say I don't think the heavy store guns the No, we're in trouble here Well, I've checked up a thing no one seems to know exactly It's pure conjecture Aka It's pure conjecture. A.K.A. Paris Realm. A lot of people just say the heaviest organ is the skin, by a lot. They're the people mad. And then you live as heavier than your brain as well.

Oh, if you live as heavier than your brain and the nuts. You're also heavier than your head. Oh, well that was the info we needed. That's what we were saying. The poor conjecture. So if livers heavy in the brain is now, we've got to work it out. Yes, the rib cage is the rib cage heavier than the skull. Because if you put those two together, then we're laughing.

And you know what, you're getting a dead dick time to turn. Who's a two dead dick? Two dead dick, yeah. That was the one dead dick. I hope you brought both of them. Oh, yeah, don't worry. I'm always packing. I've got mine and Walt Disney.

LAUGHTER Always with me in the bag, baby. Who's saying that the skins they have used to organ in the body? I've heard before that it's the largest organ. It's the largest thing in the nuts. I reckon though, if you... And again, we're getting into sort of quite macabre territory.

But I reckon if you flayed somebody... I don't know, what am I doing? I might have been jolting at home. If you flayed them and then took them in a swimming pool... And then I'll go out on the road. I'm so shocked, I'm just going to get them. I'm sorry guys. These are obsession with robots.

You know, like this whole... Because they're a bit like humans. No, but why are we creating them? Like, you've seen the videos online of all these robots that they're building for war and all this kind of stuff. Because men don't want to go to war. You know, it's giving people jobs that, it's giving robots jobs that people don't want to do. Or that robots can do faster and more efficiently. Robots don't get tired.

Do you have robots in the home? Robots do get tired. Guys, I've been trying to push my gender to get tired for ages. And I was so close to getting it out there before I got interrupted with you have robots in the home. Of course I've got robots in the home, they're working overtime. 24, 7. Do they get tired?

No, do they complain? No. Robots do not get tired guys. How far away are we from a robot podcast? Whoa. Robotcast. Where? We're replaced by robots.

Where you get, I mean a long way away. Do you think so? Yeah, a long way away. Two minutes, semisand. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER It's a fair cop. It's a fair cop.

What robots do you have in your home? I don't think I have anything that constitutes an actual robot. I'm not trustworthy enough of the old Alexi... Alexi... Alexi's a... He's a robot. You've got Alexi sailing, yeah, I do. He's doing all your jobs.

He's a... Alexi. Oh, yeah? Could you do me... Where's he from? Oh, no, yeah. Alexi, could you do me some... Overly, man.

Overly, in stand-up. What that show wants us to do? Overly written stand-up about that you want us to do? Overly written stand up about Stalin that also mentions Trotsky and also references a few different things about Margaret Thatcher, Arthur Sgargill. He's no way, but you're washing machines on my way. You've got no idea.

You know where he's from. Horny, horny, that's his at the door and I've just hoovered your cap it. Why's he hoovered the carpet? Oh, because he's a robot. Shes at the door. Yeah, you go. Exactly right.

It's not. It's not bad actually. No, it's not bad. Um... Oh my god. So, uh, you know... You want to look from producer homie says that it's quite bad. LAUGHTER

Um, Karky, robot's in the home. Um, not... Ah. Karky, robot's. Wait, do they get tired? What, what are we asking here? Do I have them or do I like them? Well, do I want? Let's start with do you have them? No, do you like them?

Do you like them? I don't care much for the the echo and the Alexian on that business. No, not echo the dolphin. Oh, I love echo the dolphin. Love a bit of echo. Oh, I see you're fine with that artificial underwater creature. Yeah that's fine. Pixilated water mammals don't scare me. Well that's all from tomorrow's world. Before we leave I'd like to say something's up by saying Denim Denim! Ah!

Hasbite! It's app between if you fancy tweeting. Hasbite! We're out. We're out of it now. We're back out of it. So, we're in a fun episode. Lovely stuff.

Yeah. Quite, quite grubby in places. Messy. But fun with it. And that's the kids, isn't it? If you're going to get grubby, I'll have fun with it. Absolutely. And if you're going to get the PO box, be honest. Please be honest. Take guys. Just all we ask.

Let's do a little bit of admin because we have got a live flat share slam down. It's in Wales. It's in Aberyst with, at the Aberyst with Comedy Festival. It's a beautiful festival full of loads of lovely people. It's the Sister Festival to... The Mr Festival. The Mr Festival is Mac Fest. Yes. So we are on Saturday afternoon. Yes. I think it's about 315 but you can check the website for that. Absolutely. I'll be on later on that day. You're doing

your show that way. With my solo show, Pario, Keith, I'm pleased to stick around. It's a beaut. So if you find yourself in and around a abhorus to it and you want to come along to the festival, please grab your tickets now because tickets are selling like hotcakes. And we're going to have some caulking guests that we have in Book Jett, but they're going to be great. They'll be guests to the festival, we'll have a lovely time. Let's get to the burn. There's absolutely guests to burn.

But just something we will not be doing. After we got in trouble at Green Man. That's right. We thought it was a Wicker Man festival, we got confused. It's very easy to misread the signals. Those are the big load of bees. Just a bit more below the bees. Pagans are confusing. Yeah.

Pagans. Pagans. Pagans. Pagans. It's not like that. Oh, I lied it out. Oh, my pagans for breakfast. Thank God, Lord.

Oh, I'm like, Reprieve my distant memories. Look, pagans. Pagans. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, Pagan, you'd like to come along to the festival. They said, Pagan's getting half price. Pagan's getting half price. That's something we've discussed with the festival. But if you do identify as a pagan, then get in touch. Yeah. And tell us what your beliefs are.

Tell us all about your beliefs. We don't understand what pagan means. We don't even understand how to say it. So get in touch. Tell us. Don't forget to go to pagan.com for us that. I was Patreon.com. That's what I was saying.

It's patrons. Don't forget to join the pagan. If you're a pagan and I was Patreon.com. That's what I thought it was, Patrons. I'm going to join the pagan. If you're a pagan and you want to join the patron, that's also great. If you're a pagan, you want to write to the PO box? Be honest. Yes, you can't. Did I tell the date of the gig?

The eight. Then I took that. I took a stab at it. Took a stab. I think I'm wrong. I think it's the fifth, though. It's the fifth. It's the fifth of October.

It's the fifth of October. It's that weekend, fifth of October. Please do come and see us. It will be low to fun. God rest you, Mary Gentlemen. And stay tuned for the Patreon. We're just going to push on. I'm just going to keep talking.

This episode was produced by none other than Sir Emma Corsham. Sir Emma Corsham, she's been knighted. Staging for the neighborhood watch Patreon roll call. But most of all. But most of all, she's not that good. She is. Bye, we'll get to do that bit again. We are going to have to re-record that bit again.

Because the key information, none of us said at the right time. And you know what, in this case, a lot of the fault was mine. So all you need to know, guys, if that lead is bit mine So all you need to know guys if that lead is bitten all you need to know is Produced by a precaution caution team the shows are up to the fifth Not on the eighth God thank you honest be honest guys. Yes, but more than anything else. She is everyone anything else. Cheers everyone. Bye!

Bye! Please! Good morning everybody out of bed we get. And please we have standing for the Patron and Neighborhood Watch. Roll call! Roll call! He's nobody's son. Oh! He's nobody's son. It's Robert B. Nicholson.

Over the cliff she goes, like Lemmings! Oh, she survived! Thank God! As Sarah Jennings is alive and well. I don't know, at time of recording. It's a live and well. I don't know. At time of recording. LAUGHTER I have been looking for him, but I think he must be Hyden.

It's John Hyden. LAUGHTER Oh, there he is. And he's a live and well. He's a live and well. At time of recording. At time of recording. Time of recording. Sadly, didn't make it, but he's up in heaven,

playing a harp. It's William Sharp. Sharpie. Sharpie boy. He got shot in the dick. Oh, but he's alive and well. He's alive and well. It's Nick.

What a way to live, though. What a way to live. Oh, it's Nick! What a way to live, though. That way to live. He's got a bit of a... ...cherny cough. Oh, no. But it's not serious.

Well, he's a life and a well. It's Alan Furniehoff. Get well soon. Get well soon, Alan. And rest in peace. At time recording. I'd love to meet her. It's Peter. Oh no. Look what's happening.

Over there, dead ahead. Iceberg. Oh, it's caught him smack in the gob. And he's sinking. But no, he's alive. At time of recording, it's Adam Goldberg. I was trying to work out which word you were writing with there. And it's iceberg.

It's just dead ahead. Well, Alan Goldberg is now sailing on the ocean blue and he's just come into dock where he's alive and well and shaking hands with Luke Murdoch. Nice see two people alive and well enjoying themselves. It's great to see two people alive and well in 2019 it really is. Obviously we clonestress enough at timeed a time recording. Well, she is alive. Oh, but she's getting a bit past it. It's Zoe, past it. Well, we were all...

Sorry, Zoe. Oh God, this woodworked demonstration's gone wrong. Oh, it's woodworked demonstration. That band source wreaking havoc across the workshop and it's nearly taken the life of someone but they're okay. Don't worry. They survived. Oh, thank God. Alive and well. It's Sam Wong. What were you right with there? Wrong. Oh, wrong. Right. Of course wrong. Here's the thing with a rhyme, Tom. Yes. Try and keep it as close to the word as possible. It's a jazzy rhyming pattern. Okay. So it's a short story. What is it? She spent a very enjoyable evening watching a movie. Oh, that's good.

A starring Stanley Tucci. Oh, oh, it's Stanley Tucci, everyone. She's alive and well. Oh, she's alive and well. She's a good, good, good girl. It's Lucy. Well, stay safe, everyone. And please stay alive and well.

That concludes this week's neighborhood watch. Roll call! I'm dying! Please! Please, imagine if your last word was please. Please, please! My, my, my, actually. Yes, dad.

What do you want us to do? It's better than thank you, isn't it? Oh, no, thank you, big, great last words. Thank you. Thank you so much. And thank you so much to all our patrons.