Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Midlife Crisis Management Company) S10E08

Episode Date: February 25, 2020

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. What's the point of a spiral notepad? Do factories make more than one thing? Can my midlife crisis be my mastermind specialist subject? All important questions, that we probably don't answer in this episodePappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareSee us live 10th March - https://www.tickettext.co.uk/pappys-flatshare/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-10032020/Edited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See out for details. Greetings, listener dear. I'm Tom. I'm Matthew. And I'm Ben. And this is another house meeting. This is another house meeting, my friend.

This is another house meeting. This is another house meeting. We've become a band, which is quite fitting, because we touch on that in today's house meeting. We definitely do, yeah. It's raw, it's real. We go there. And why not? Why not? See, it's a rich journey. A lot's real, we go there. And why not?

Why not? It's a real journey. Lot of podcasts don't go there. And we do, we live there. We live in New York and hell. Yeah, and we set up shop. We set up shop. And we're selling our goods.

Do you know what, there's no, we are. Edgy. Yeah, strong one. And Edgy. Strong and Edgy. Lucky if you got word for us. Good. Strong Edgy. Good. We are strong. We are edgy.

We are good. That sounds to me like an iTunes review. I get on iTunes. I've got five stars like a change review. Get in touch. Wack it on iTunes. Strong, edgy, good. Yes. What else can you do? Oh, join the Patreon and give us your support. We always like that. Yes. And we can't really do it with iTunes. So if you do? Oh, join the Patreon and give us your support. We always like that. And we can't really do it without you. So if you are listening along, please help us. Yes, every Thursday we put out a, please help us.

Every Thursday we put out a bonus episode for all of the five dollar and above Patreons. So go to patreon.com forward slash pappy's flat share and join the fun there. Yes, we also do a drunk record quarterly for an $10 patrons. Yes.

And we've got one of those coming up soon. And speaking of coming up soon, on the 10th of March, we're going to be welcoming Matt Lucas and Jenny Beade to a flat-shear slam down at the Phoenix in London. Very exciting. Very, very exciting. We've also got Joe Wilkinson booked for the 8th of April. Yeah.

That's also at the Phoenix, and we're going to be at the Mac Comedy of April. Yeah. That's also at the Phoenix and we're going to be at the Mac comedy festival. As always. As always, at the Mac comedy festival, on the Saturday and the Sunday doing mid-day shows that's in May, so get your tickets from Maccomedyfest.co.uk. What a treat! What a treat! First of all, hang it down and enjoy this house meeting!

I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you, I want to talk, I want a chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat. Has beaten, beaten, beaten, beaten, what temperature should we set the heat? Has beaten, beaten, beaten, beaten, beaten, why on earth am I always waiting? Has beaten, beaten, beaten, beaten, beaten? Who went my bed while I was sleeping? This has a house meeting! What's the point? Does life have a meeting?

I have got something to say. It's not really interesting. That's always a good start. You've got your notepad out. Spiral notebooks. Yes. Like this with the spiral spine. Yeah. Have to be one of the most successful

crap designs that have stayed the course. That's still going. Because they always come apart. They fundamentally don't work. Yeah. That bit when it's, you know what, you know, listen a dear, if you, you know, the type of notebook where you have like a black

piece of wire. Before your thing. Coil spring spring going up the spine yeah and then about two weeks in It starts to come off some of them. Yeah, yeah, and then you're stuck trying to push it back into some of them Yeah, because it's so it's sort of like got a little sort of loop So two loops that connect to each other right and the idea is I guess to kind of be able to get the paper out quite easily But what it means is that the paper comes out quite easily. Yeah. Yeah.

The ease is to fold it back on itself, isn't it? Because a notebook, a notebook with like a straight spine, you have to like, break the spine, or it kind of shuts on you. Then those bits always come out of the hole. Yeah. The top bits that are supposed to stay in. Come out. And I was just thinking, the whole, the top bits that are supposed to stay in. Come out.

And I was just thinking, someone got away with this. Someone got away with it. Well, you're also thinking, because you brought one out of your bag. I brought it out. It's a design that you don't enjoy, but you're still committing to. Yes. Because there are other notebooks out there. There are. You can get the exercise book style notebook with a staple in there. You can get the hard back to notebook with the spine. Have you got a preference?

No, whatever someone has bought me. Exactly. People tend to buy them for me as gifts. So gift a nice. just mullskin if they're being really fancy or the, or just one of you are into the tree presence or, yeah, get out, get out, get a little mullskin under the tree. But if not fontore, if not, if not a mullskin then the sort of mullskin knockoffs, but usually a hard note. Do you know what I think, sorry to interrupt? No, not at all. Do you know what I think a notebook says when you buy it for someone? It says, I think you're an interesting person. Oh. You've got ideas.

I think it's a biscop blank book. Buying someone a notebook, because it's like, you'll fill this, you need this. Stick something in that. Yeah. Whereas when you buy someone a pre-written notebook, it says, these are my ideas. I've used up a notebook. Yeah. I don't know why I'm giving it to you. I've panicked. Do you always give me those top? So when it's contribute then. Do you throw old notebooks away? No, do you always keep hold of them?

Until people come around and burn them. What? No. Because I'm a dangerous head, these a little bit. I've got notebooks going back to 98. Happy, 97. Happy Eve. I could never throw in a way notebook, I mean. One of the things when, yeah, losing a notebook is tough going, isn't it?

It is. But there are little sort of documents of what you're up to at the time. Yes. And which I like a lot. Yeah, definitely. The thing, see I like it as a sort of catalog of, you know, sort of... Were you famously used catalogs for notebooks?

I do use catalogs. Just leave a little night to you. And I just circle the items I want people to buy me as gifts. Just give it to them. Just give it to people. Look, in fact, giving somebody a circle dog was catalog. That's not a great gift, is it? Now I think give it to people saying, look, if it's giving somebody a circle dog or a cat log, that's not a great gift, is it? Now I think about it.

I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, you know what, yep, you know you got it for free. And a cat, a cat log still going. Yep. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. They can't have long left, right? Well, I mean, if you look at the, you know,

it's like the yellow pages nowadays. You see the yellow pages. Thin is a credit card. No one's using the yellow pages anymore. Wow, I've not seen it. The big glossy. That's how thin it is. It's so good.

You've probably got inside. You've probably got one flat on your, on your door mats. There you go. The cat, the big glossy catalogs that your mom's used to have. Yeah. Yeah. They still, they still go. Yeah.

The Argos catalog still exists. I know the Argos catalog still exists. That's what I see catalog. The Freeman's catalog. Oh yeah, I think that's still exists. I was kind of those big boys that delivered to your door. Big boys. What?

Because they're big, they were always bigger than the Argos catalog. Is the Freeman's bigger than the Argos catalog? Yeah, they were, you know, like good old fashioned catalog. I don't think I know this Freeman's one. What's this Freeman's business? It was one of the catalogs. Yeah. It was just, it wass. Yeah, it was just...

It was a catalog for it. It was never a shop. No. It was like a proto-Amazon, wasn't it? Yeah. So you'd look at the items in it, you'd fill in the little page at the back of what you wanted to order, you'd post that, and then they'd go to school catalog.

And then they would post the stuff to you, yeah. As opposed to the August catalog, which I think presumably was more to look up your items, go to an August, order the items, pick them up for that. Exactly. Little back room, yeah. But like these home delivery catalogs, they can't be doing a roaring trade anymore.

But they were like proper substantial bits of business. They had everything in them. Your mom's catalogs were big. And they're taking a lot of space in your house as well. They're big boys. Did you keep the old catalogs? Sometimes. They were around for a long time in your house. You'd be familiar with like, you know, Twenth's taint yourself you'd go through the catalog. Did you ever do that? Yeah, absolutely. I loved it. You'd go through and you would just allow one pick by page from a page.

Yes, that's right. That was what I was thinking. I'm first pick sticks. Yeah. So you couldn't pick the same. That's all you'd play. Open it on a double page. And you just go, yeah, you've got to get something, you've got to get it, yeah. And so you take the risk of either being the first one down. So you just try to get the chance to get the best one. Oh, hold on. This was a group game for you, though.

Yeah. So you'd go through with like me and my sister used to do it. So be like catalogs open, bang. Whatever you get for whatever your fingers are on, you get. So obviously it's either quick on the draw or take a bit of time. Take a bit of time. I'll see you flinch his first. And get a really, really good gift.

Get the big nerf gun. Yes. You know. But would you only open it in the kind of kit, because there's the toys and kids' section, isn't there? We do that, but then we'd also do like, and I also remember we do obviously as teenage boys, we'd sometimes do the underwear section.

Which underwear are you gonna buy? Which, which part we'd like to buy our future parlors? Sure, we'd be planning ahead. But I can't really write out in the sports section as well, of course, you've been big on like tracks and stuff. Sure. Oh, I was wild away doing the catalog. You know what I always wanted was anything

that was vaguely related to like playing the guitar or kind of music or anything like that. So all of the things that you've designed for like a very little child, like a kind of microphone that was designed for a three-year-old. Yes. I would still be. Well, it's the right home for you. Perfect.

Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. So I actually speak in the 12 right now. That's right, yeah. Yeah. So I had that. I probably got that like when I was about 16 or 17,

a microphone that you could press with your feet, you could press buttons on it, and it would see if it applause and sound effects and stuff, and it was, you know. You brought it to university, I think, I did bring it to university, yeah, I loved it. I loved that. But, you know, Catalogs were kind of like a precursor to the internet.

My brother. Stick Tim Berners-Lee, so sorry, I'm sorry. Your brother's Tim Berners-Lee? Yeah, that's why, yeah. Your brother, blood, yeah. My brother's Tim Berners-Lee? Yeah, that's right. Your brother, bloody hell. My brother was super into this catalog called Innovations. I remember the Innovations catalog. A little catalog.

Used to come around a Christmas time. And it was just full of like tech, novelty stuff. It was the gadget shop in catalog for, wasn't it? Exactly, yeah. So, and everything was like, oh my god, look at this. When it was some of that and some of like, this is a desktop snooze potato. Oh yeah, totally, executive toys.

Executive toys. Stuff that's a bit older than your years. So you think, I'm gonna have this forever. This newton's cradle is gonna last me for a long time. Yeah, do you know I got my newton's cradle when I was about 14 and thought of an idol, man? Yeah, I've made that on my glass desk. It's so sophisticated with a my Newton's cradle when I was about 14 and thought of an adult. That's it. Yeah, I've made it.

I could have that on my glass. That's so sophisticated with a Newton's cradle. So when you buy a Newton's cradle, you think, I'm never going to have to buy another Newton's cradle. Yeah, of course. And that is true. But not for the reason, do you think? Do you think you can get a Newton's cradle apno?

No. We're living in the future. What, the Newton's cradle was intended to be a sort of calming influence on the busy businessmen, right? I think so. That was what it was intended for. Oh, the Newton's Cradle stuck around for so long, right? It was a real success.

Yeah. The Newton's Cradle, I put it alongside the thing... The spiral notebook. Not as much the spiral notebook as the thing that was made out of several sort of pins. Yes. That you could push your hand into or your face into it and make the shape of that thing. Yes, yes. And so if you saw that in the gadget shop, of course what you did is you stuck your one finger up.

Stick your one finger up. Put it on there, pop it back on the shelf. That was always the thing, yeah, yeah. So we're flipping. On the side of the Newton's cradle, you flip it the bird. Just put it back on the shelf. You trap your fingers and you're a wager. I found with the Newton's cradle that the strings all got tangled up.

Exactly, it was quite frustrating. It was an executive toy. Yeah. Hey, executive toys. Yeah. That's a great bit of marketing, isn't it're not, they're not very executive. Like, stressful. They give you an illusion of like, oh, the executives have this, but it's like butter. They're all like, it's never the executive that has it.

It's always the, the, the Zaini knob in the office. But they can't call them saying that. Zaini knob in the office toys But they can't call them saying that. I think they need to. Probably 16-year-old. Seenagers. Yeah. Who are like, oh, this is what? Adults are into. There was that pink stress ball, wasn't it? Like, little flat-headed, like a flower pot. Remember that?

There's like a pink head-shote head. I had one of those. Yeah, you just grabbed it and squeezed it. And it burst. Whoa. You were stressed. I was stressed, baby. I didn't burst. Well, you're new in the cradle, I just doubted that.

It's because we were on your knees, shouting into your microphone. It's really uncomfortable, man. Yeah, so it burst in a cupboard, and I didn't realize. And then one time I went to, like, I don't know, get some CDs or something. I was like, why are these CDs stuck to the bottom of the cupboard? And the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the stuff. It's like, you know, the same thing that if you ever, you know,

the same stretch Armstrong was full of, I guess it was that sort of, What? That sort of thing. Do you ever stretch Armstrong? Oh, I remember stretch Armstrong. You tell me he wasn't full of organs? I don't know.

I don't know. He had stretchy organs. I stretched the fuck out of that stretch Armstrong. You had magic powers. Yeah. Um, isn't it weird to think there's like, stretch the fuck out of that stretch Armstrong. You have magic powers. Yeah. Isn't it weird to think there's like, I don't know, this is quite an obvious thing to say, but like, I can't wait for it.

Imagine someone owned a Newton's cradle factory and someone was like, someone married the person. So like, imagine I'm in a conversation of like, what's your wife do? Oh, she owns a Newton's cradle factory and it's like does she? It's like yeah, they make Newton's cradles and it's like imagine every day being about Newton's cradle production. That must have been a life for someone. Do you think that the start of the production line you put it on?

Is what would be right on the end? You just swing it onto the conveyor, you put it on. It's what? One would ping right on the end. You just swing it onto the conveyor belt. And it pings. Do you think it's same as the cafeteria? It's one company making the whole lot of Newton's Cradle, so is it like going to be... I mean, no. Someone's got copyright on the Newton's Cradle.

No, no, no, no, sorry. I didn't phrase that. Famously. I didn't phrase that right. I mean, is it one fact that that just makes Newton's Cradle? Do you think that's what it is? Or do you think it's a, like, there's an executive toy factory

where they're also making, I don't know, a slinky as well. But you think about the component parts of that, and it's like you'd have to have a slinky department, because the machines are gonna be so different. Yeah, you're right. I often think this about factories. It blows my mind that it is that really how it works as a factory just make the one thing or can they kind of adapt and change what they think it works in a factory?

Let us know. Let us know are there factories that make multiple things? I think they're there has to be. In fact, they bother them, I say. We are thick as fat. Oh, there's factories that make multiple things. I want to know. Just send us a tree telling us how fucking thick we are. Thick as far. Oh, that's the fact trees that make multiple things. I want to know. Just send us a tweet telling us how fucking thick we are. Because never... There's not a day he goes by when I don't need to be reminded

that I am thick as a plank covered in pictures. That's a big thing. Jesus Christ. I genuinely think I have got thicker in the last. I'm quite enjoying getting thicker. I'm kind of embracing it. I feel like I've got a big booty. It does not quite.

How do you enjoy getting thicker? I guess stop caring about me being thick, don't you? Yeah, and also I think the older I get, the more I realise, like, you don't need to know... As thick as... Yeah, I think increasingly, the pursuit of knowledge outside of your day-to-day stuff is to demonstrate that you have that knowledge, rather than use it. I think stuff is to demonstrate that you have that knowledge,

show other than using. And I think people like to demonstrate that in knowledge. And when you're young, you use the demonstrating knowledge to show proves to people that you're smart so you can do things, but actually you don't need a lot of that knowledge. But I think once you realize that, you can jettison the pursuit of knowledge.

Tom, I agree with you. I agree with you. But I unfortunately, probably less than ambitious, I agree with you. I agree with you. But I unfortunately... You're coming less than ambitious. Don't have any emotional intelligentsie there. LAUGHTER And that is the thing I... That's a problem.

That's a concern. That is a concern. I have no intelligence of any kind. You... You've got to have found one part of... There must be something you can boast intelligence at. No. I, you know, back in the day.

Yeah, even wise. No, I'm not a wise man. I take that actually, because I always thought that I would get kind of my mastermind kind of random. Yeah, I would get the information from the innovation. Final page. You just gradually accrue this like really amazing office. Maybe like, I need a job. Shit, man. I've got the rest. I'm qualified to do anything.

I've got a briefcase. I've got an indoor bow and arrow. I hope that my office is kind of some Hunger game style situation. I've got a treadmill, I'm eating. I'm eating. Greetings, listen to Deer. Sorry to interrupt your flat slam listening pleasure, but I'm here to just tell you about my solo show. Tom Perry, Pariochi will be at the solo theater from 25th to the 28th of March. And yeah, come along and enjoy yourself. Basically, if you're a fan of one third of the podcast, where it's just me talking, it'll be a bit like that. But don't let that put you off, come along and have a good time. Cheers everyone, bye!

How's B.D? Cold rain or hot snow? What is sleep? How's B.D? Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to freedom at in Lutford. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that.

Four things. It's a like theaters, December 15th. I always thought like, oh, I'll kind of get a specialist subject, but it's just not a problem. You're not really interested in anything. You can't be bothered to do any research. I mean, well, I'm getting to the point where I can always remember being like, oh, I don't think my dad's very interested in like film. Or like so, I'd be like, watch your favourite film, the she and he'd be like, I don't know, they're all films.

Like, obviously, when you're 18, you're like, no, these are the films of the year, or whatever it is, are like this music, and then as you get older, by the way, I film myself becoming that complete. That also goes away, doesn't it? I mean, I think I've certainly filmed. I think with music, I still listen to music all the time, and I still look for new music that I haven't heard before.

Not necessarily being made in 2020. I've probably just said, not necessarily good music. Well, famously, you're a member of Britannia, right? You still remember Britangia. I never catch on your innovations, Catalan. Do you know what? And I think, actually, 1799,

together, can't be of stars, by simply read every month. I think I've filled the form in wrong, but I think it's actually a bargain, nevertheless. I love the cassettes, but yeah, so I still try and listen to, try and find bands I've not heard before and try and listen to music, but with films, like, you know, this is going to come out a little bit later, but the Oscars we yesterday. Right. And I just couldn't give it to us. I used to care, so we used to stay up for the Oscars we yesterday. Right. And I just couldn't give it to us. I used to care.

So we used to stay up for the Oscars. Yeah. And now I haven't watched any of the little clips of the speeches. I haven't. I know that Parasite won big because I had radio four on when I was giving Cleo a breakfast this morning. But that, like, you know, I could easily,

that could easily pass me by as well. So I think you just stop caring about those sort of things. When does that happen, do you think? When's the, what's the transition? Like is it, is it a 30s thing? Yes. I think it's a personality thing, isn't it? You just sort of go, oh God, you just realize stuff's never gonna end.

Is this a life crisis? Is it a middle-life crisis? Well, I don't know, or does this come right before the crisis? I think it's a crisis. I think this is the bit where you're enjoying this period of your life and then you get a crisis. And then you suddenly like, oh, actually, I do care about everything. Yes.

I know, I've got to start the band. Yeah, I need a band and a sports car. I do still think about starting a band all the time. I'd still... Oh, yeah, you still order things from the catalogue. Yeah, that's the problem, little... Which I like to start. ...to start a band with me all fish and price instruments.

We're only going to do Daniel Johnson songs. It's just, let me, me, banging away on a little miniature piano. But I think that's... Yeah, I think... I don't see this as a crisis at this stage, I just see it as... It's the calm before the storm. This is the slide into the crisis, yeah, this is the way you're going like, wee, this is nice. Yeah, and then you get off the slide and like, oh, God. Yeah. I think it's not a jacket. Do you know what, to your mid-life crisis

going to be, I, how do you think it's going to manifest itself? Got any plans? What? Have you planned a mid-life cry? Because I surely will take you by surprise, don't you? No, yeah, but you can do like, what can you anticipate? What that's going to be. I think I may be. Oh, you do?

OK, go on. I think it will be, because I've almost, this has almost happened before, I will get very into a band and I want to see them on every date of the tour. I think that might be, and I know people have done that, who've gone right, I just love the Arctic Monkeys, I'm going to follow them around on tour, and it was basically like, it was a middle-life crisis for this guy. And the other thing I think was it a member of the Arctic Monkeys? Yeah knees. Yeah. Weirdly, it was the basis. You left.

Starts following the round again. No, and the other thing is, Tats. Tats is always a danger. Tats is always a bad guy. Tats at first, I was like, that's not the middle one. I'm going to stop paying my tax. I'm not on the yearly crisis.

I'm not going to live off the grid. I'm going to start paying my tax. I think Tats is, and following a band around, because it's the closest I get to being like a child is when I go and see music and other band I really really like. When I went and saw a child, and I went to see Jeff Rosenstock at the fighting cocks, that little pub and Kingston when they do outside the box.

So like a tiny little, there was probably 120 people there in a room that should have probably only had about 100. It was packed, really, really fun. But afterwards I went up to the band and I was going to the drawing, oh my God, you're a really good, it was really embarrassing for John. You're a really good, you're such a good drummer.

I think you're amazing. I could have a photo with you, please. And it's like, I just, but it was, I wasn't, I didn't feel sad. I felt like, I didn't feel like a sadder. I felt totally elated. I was like, this feels like the excitement I had when I was, you know, a, like a 14 year old kid listed in Savannah. Yes.

It was that kind of like, this is so important and people don't even understand. It was that kind of thing. So I think it will probably manifest itself in that kind of way. That's quite a nice crisis, I think. That's a very good one. A nice one. A nice one.

Let's not call it a nice one. I'm really running a lot of organisation. LAUGHTER Just want to take the edge off. What have you got, Clarkey, in the old, in the old, hurt locker? Tank, yeah. I want to put it in a tank. I've got a bite of tank.

I've got a bite. Okay, he's super furry animal style. I can see that. Just drive it around a festival, with a stick of tank in your garden. Is it, probably, something like a motorbike? Do you think so? Could you see yourself on a motorbike?

I've had inklings of it in the past, for I was like, oh, maybe I had quite like a motorbike and it's gone up, and at the moment, I feel like it's completely gone for a while, I was like, oh, maybe I'd quite like a motorbike and it's gone up. And at the moment, I feel like it's completely gone. You know, I don't want one at all. We've got to get clock in motorbike catalog. Exactly, that's it. The midlife crisis catalog, there could be money here.

I think that... There could be money in there. The cash is in the midlife crisis catalog. I think we could set up a website, which is like, you know, it sells all, and then it's like, you're having a midlife crisis come to us, we're going to sort out. You know, you go to people who sort out your hand and stack dues for you. It's like, we could be like midlife crisis managers, and it's like, that's our job, midlife crisis management.

It's like, come with us, we'll sort you through it, you'll be able to do this, this and this, you'll purchase that, and then don't worry, we'll pop you off at the end. We'll give you like a ton of stuff. I'll everything you need to get rid of at the end a bit, because we'll, we'll, we'll be back. We'll recycle it along. Not a bad idea, right? Go outside, look at the rabbits and then we come behind. I've midlife crisis and men. But there could be money there, you know? Yes, good, I like it. I don't know if we'd be able to operate into one factory. Is there one factory in it?

That's where we make the motorbikes. We're going to do it all in the Newton's cradle factory. There's the divorce office Yeah, that's the band rehearsal room. Okay, get in there. That's the big thing We're sort of glossing over at the moment. We sort of accentuating the the apparent positives But a lot of midlife crisis is problems is leaving the families in it. Yes, yeah, yeah. But we will help with that as well. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. It's all we'll do with everything.

What have you got? We'll contact the family, let them know you're in a good place. He's having a wobble. Yeah. He'll be back in a few months. People will pay money for us to do this. This is how you make the big books. Listen, what is your midlife crisis?

What have you got plans? I've set up this business. This is your business. Yeah. I think you're what is your midlife crisis? What have you got plans? I've set up this business. This is your business. I think you're down in midlife crisis. He's pumped all his money into a midlife crisis business. Yeah, I think a midlife crisis guru. That is my midlife crisis. Yeah. Oh, that's good. I could see you being a guru though. You grow up at the beard, you wear long-flowing robes, you do stop wearing shoes, stop wearing shoes, yeah, that could be, that's the other

thing as well is that I can always, that's always on the, somewhere in the back of my mind is the new AG hippie-dippy, you know, getting into crystals, that's also, that's always there kind of, I've, you know, I do little bits of that, but I haven't gone full loose on it, but you've dabbled. I've dabbled. I've dabbled in the Crystal of Los Andres. With all, in fact, every time I've been to all of the things I've done, I've done with Lou. Like all of those sort of midlife, midlife, a new ag type things. Some of the things have stuck and I now do them independently. You've got Crystal stuck. I've got a few crystal stuck. But you know what? I have an absolutely wonderful luck.

Just pop one in your mouth and then like a Newton's Kray little fly at the other end. You just don't want the return journey. That's a problem. Newton's crystals. Newton's crystals straight through you. Yikes alive. The Midlife Crisis Management Company. I just like a band, I like it. Oh. Yikes, Elive. The Midlife Crisis Management Company.

That's just like a band, I don't really like. Oh yeah. Of old guys. Cause I think that's, that's, I quite like that band title. That's why I would, I would hope I would do. I would, that's really good actually. The Midlife Crisis Management Company.

Yeah. I would, I would maybe, you know what, my worry, my other worry is, with the Midlife Crisis thing, is that I would,, you know what, my worry, my other worry is, with the midlife crisis thing, is that I would form a band with some other dads, you know. I mean, actually, what's that group called Dad Band with a few other names that we've talked about, maybe, doing a dad band.

That's a group of people who've banned their fathers from doing that. You've all got problematic dads. Megan Markles in the group. It's just me and Megan Markles in the list. I didn't rush, I was going to take my advice quite literally, but apologies to the rest of the country. But my worry is that like middle-life crisis, that's fine, I play it, play a bit of music, you know, that's great. My worry is that I would take it on to then, you know, doing a gig at my kid's school. Problems.

You know, that is that kind of thing, where it spills out into, you know, it's a... I had a little bit of that flavour when I was growing up, my brother at a couple of times played in bands that went into the school, really. So did it when I was in junior school and it was brilliant? Yeah, that's your age. Everyone was like, oh, your brother's like a rock star. Yeah. They wanted like autographs and all sorts. And I was like, this is brilliant. And it happened again in secondary school. And I was like, this is going to be great. And it wasn't. That's the thing, everything changes, doesn't it? It's a bit like why when I was like this is going to be great and it wasn't. That's the thing, everything changes, doesn't it?

It's a bit like why when I was a supply teacher I much preferred teaching supply in the primary schools because the kids just go oh yeah you're the teacher whereas if you show up in a room for 14 year olds and say how the teacher every part of your, you know, like every part of your look the way you speak everything is to be, you know, just because part of your look, the way you speak, everything is to be, you know, just because they're not comfortable in themselves. Yeah. Little kids, you know, they don't care about what other people think when you get to sort of 14, 15, 16,

that's when you start caring. And then I guess as well, when you get to R.A., just you care as well, and that's sort of why the middle-of-life crisis happens, when the middle-life actually, you know what? I wanna care about what people think anymore. I'm starting a band, I'm playing in my kids' school. This, this, this feels like it's got quite real for you this chat.

Like it's right there man. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, talk about, I've got no, no, turns out I did not my mastermind subject. Being perilous he goes to good life crisis. This is quite, quite real. But I, you've got your first customer here now. Yeah, contact me in Clarky. We'll sort you out. We'll be able to take you through this. No way, man. Not you guys. I'm not realized that actually, hanging out with you still is part of an ongoing midlife crisis. A preemptive midlife crisis. A midlife crisis has been going on since the late 90s. It's going to be a new, like for 2020, a lot of midlife crisis people start a podcast. It's a good job. We've been podcasting for a long time now,

so it can't manifest itself, but there's going to be a lot of dads and moms out there being like, you know what? We'll just start podcasting. You know what, though? Like, a dad and mom podcast is not a bad idea. You know, there must be some good, like, new parents doing a podcast. That must be a thing, right? Chris, does Ramsay do one?

Oh, they do, actually. The shag married annoyed. There you go. There you go. See? That's a midlife crisis. He's managed to parlay into a... into a phantom... You know, they've got a book. He was on Strictly. Our midlife crisis will be stopping podcasting. Yeah. That's sad. Because we're in it, we'll be like,

you know what, we're not podcasting. Yeah. Sad, sad. Because we're in it, we'll be like, you know what, we're not podcasting anymore. And then three years later, the reunion tour. Three years later, we come back, licking our wounds, tail between our legs and say, I need to get the band back together. Because the band I formed. LAUGHTER

I run a band from my kids' schools. LAUGHTER I said it once before, we did, we did. I've said it once before, but it bears a repeat. I did. Well, there you go. We became quite personally aware of our age during that year. We really did.

We looked inside. We started that podcast as young men. And we finished it as old dudes. I don't know if... I think 50% of that is true. And it's the second half. Yes, it got real. I'm not afraid to admit that. No.

But that's what you need sometimes. Oh, you know what? We're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy. Not my words, the words of seal. Oh, yes I know. It's tired now. It's tired now. Seal of our brain.

Another old dude as well. God bless the old dudes, they don't get enough press. Um, I'll tell you, the old dude you did get some press. Those hat and garden robbers. Oh, and they get films made after them and would you consider that? All sorts. And midlife crisis. Hell yeah.

To revisit the topic. Of course. You think robbing Hatton Gardens is a midlife crisis? I mean, yes, of course it is. Yes. So you know what? Full scale is. Forming a band is not that bad.

Well, let's wait until we hear the band. LAUGHTER I could just see you going, I just wish you'd robbed Hatten Gardens instead. Hatten Garden Robbery is a good title for a band as well. Hatten Garden Robbery. Yeah, there you go for a- For a handful of old dudes. Band for a pensioners.

I love it. Well, look after yourselves, dear listener. And each other. And if you enjoyed it, then leave a review on iTunes and all the usual gubbins. Yeah, but otherwise Stick around for the patron at neighborhood watch roll call all that's left for us to you. It stays upside was produced by Emma Corsham Cheers everyone

Bye Ladies and gentlemen Cheers everyone! Bye! Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for the neighborhood Patreon What Rock'o! Honorable What? B B All about what? Yarr! We be about to leave the dark.

And let me tell you, the water's choppy. It's gonna be tough. It's gonna be hard. But don't worry, because in the crow's nest is Patrick Garard. Ah! Ah! It's gonna be a hard, a hard few months ago. Oh, sure. On the briney scene. It's gonna be a shit. It's gonna be a shit.

Shit, shit, shit. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Fucking hell. We wanted it to be easy. Ah, fucking hell, we're pining. Until last a few days. I'm afraid it's gonna be a hard few months.

Oh, I heard a few months on the briney scene. Ah, alright. But don't worry. What? worry, for entertainment. I've got me parrot here on a jommish order. I've got me parrot. I've done it. I've got me parrot here. One me shoulder. Yes. Listen to its many wonderful squawks. Gah! Gah!

It can squawk many names. Huh? For example, no. The name... Jo! Huuu! Gah! Gah!

Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! There me hard to chew. I'll be looking forward to this for you. Shwoow Whoa Ah They're me hard to do You may be looking forward to this for you It's a long time, let's say Oh, fuck it Fuck it

Oh, I hope it's gonna be easy I miss my wife Oh, me too She's a miss She's a great cake. She's a great cake. Oh, we were about, we're friends. Yeah, we all miss your wife. We miss her.

She makes a great cake. She does a pirate cake. And she's witty with it too. She's the witty cake maker. Oh, you miss me kids. He's missing his kids. So do we. We miss his kids. So do we. We miss your kids.

They make a great cupcake. Oh, and they're strong with it. They're strong with it. Yeah, but most of all, I miss Megard and he misses his kids. Yeah, so do we. We miss the great guys. But of course, so do we.

So who does my first mate. Who's that then? Christian Harden. Oh, yeah. You did very well there. Thank you, Christian Harden. Yeah, crew gather out. Oh.

I got some news. It's gonna be a hard journey. Oh, fucking. Oh, shit. We're gonna be in the way for two years. Oh, yeah. So hard. 24 miles. be in the way for two years. Two years, that's 24 months. Yeah, and even worse than that, someone's gonna shit on the floor.

No, no. No, no. No, no, no. Can't be me, I've got a wooden arse. Oh, can't be you, you've got a wooden arse. What about you, is it you? No, it's not me, I am a parrot. Oh, what? Well, in that case, it can only be

Mark Shaw. Yeah, Mark, he's got a horse. He's shat on the floor. Oh, you know what? What's that? It's going gonna be a hard few decades I'm afraid so it's gonna I've seen it I don't think I'm quite captured We're salient to island I tell you now Let me hear you Oh, you know you're going to pay me tax you Before we set sail Pay me taxis. Look, they're good accountant, you and Lumax are here.

I'm a taxidot. No, Lumax for taxis. Oh, well, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Well, it's a long boy. Oh, it's a long boy, try it. But, oh, boy, I've downloaded some podcast to listen to whatever way. That's great. You know, news, the air point.

Certainly. Fortunately, some of the best content is hit behind the paywall. Oh, no. Cruise. Oh, see the cruise. Oh, join, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Mar-dry land. Mar-dry land. That concludes this week's Neighborhood Watch! Roll the cruise signs!

Shhh! Is that... Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to act in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that.

Four things. It's a like theaters, December 15th.