Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Monk's Away Kit) S9E18

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. This week they dissect the humble crumble, get their bits out and go back in time to end religionPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareSee us live 30th August, End of the Road Festival - https://endoftheroadfestival.com/8th September, London Podcast Festival - https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/london-podcast-festival/Produced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region, see after details. Greetings, listener dear. Nice little shimmy of the glass across the table. I know, I felt very rock and roll. He next it, he shimmies it across the table and it can mean only one thing. Here we are for another episode of Pappy's Flat Share House Meeting. Yes, I'm Tom, I'm Ben. I'm Matthew, welcome to the show.

Yes, so house meetings when we get get together to the fat, throw ideas at each other and see glasses and glasses and see what sticks. And this week, let me tell you, religion was the topic of the day. I'm traveling religion. Time travel and religion. We're not afraid guys to tackle the big topics. Want to know about time travel? So do we. Can someone please tell us about it because we've got no clue as will be a parent during this episode. Absolutely.

In fact, we realize we don't know much about anything here. Unfortunately, what you're listening to is three, I mean, you know already, you've already heard, this is your first episode, welcome, but if it isn't, which I'm guessing it isn't, you know we don't know anything, guys. You know what you've got yourselves in in for here and here is the living proof I've had a thought I've got an issue I've got a question I want to ask you I want to talk I want a chat

Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat What temperature should we set the heat? What temperature should we set the heat? How sweet it is. Why on earth am I always weak past eating? Who went my bed while I was sleeping? There's a house meeting. What's the point? Does life have a meeting?

How sweet it is. I'm Peckish Mayan. Oh yes. I had a little banana. Let's keep it me going. Yeah, that's what you need, isn't it? I'm a peckish man. Oh, yes. I had to look banana. Just keep me going. Yeah, that's what you need, isn't it?

Let's go all the energy you need to run a marathon. What? One by the other. An hour and a half is all you need for a run a marathon apparently. And if you eat seven bananas, you could die from too much potassium. Is that true?

Apparently so. No way. Or nine, seven or nine. One or the two. Eight, you're fine. I'd say. I hate the sweet spot, but seven or nine. Ten?

Oh great. Ten's good. Seven or nine? Ten's strong. Seven or nine bananas in your out do you mean 79 So I'm I ever if ready it's actually 7,000 to 19 I just read it on No, I think something like 9 bananas is too many bananas Wow

And you can actually die from potassium overdose so I've heard I don't like that at all Yeah, I don't think it's true Well, there's anyone we're going to find out we have a flak oh I see him over days. So I've heard. I don't like that at all. I mean, I don't think it's true, but. Well, there's anyone we're going to find out. We have to have a flat. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Someone else loaded that onto me the other day as well saying like in terms of like indigenous eating and like we're not actually I digested the white Persons digestive system isn't as well equipped to handle bananas and we shouldn't really be going at it

How are you going at it with a banana? They obviously saw me eating it and thought this guy's doing it all wrong Because that's it isn't it they they do say that That like what your ancestors ate Determines like you determines how you are today. That's why I'm sure, because the potato faban. So that's also because my mum's sure, that's the main reason. So there's got to be something in that. What does that leave us with, though, as not wishing to get to Brexit, but as people

of this aisle. Yeah, what does it leave us to actually eat? A good apple crumble. A good apple crumble actually. You're gonna marathon on a crumble in a half. Just don't have nine crumbles. Oh nine crumbles. Deadly.

You, you will actually crumble. That's what happens. You're inside the crumble away. A crumble feels like someone fucked up and played a blinder. Necessity is the mother of invention, that's what they say, isn't it? When you look at the first apple crumble, that's someone who's botched a pie and gone, fucking hell, and then people have been like, this is insanely good. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, what's the design on a crumble, it's kind of like... Also, whoever came up with the term humble party, it should be humble crumble, shouldn't it? Humble crumble. Someone's eating humble crumble. Someone's eating humble crumble. That's way better. Humble crumble, I like a tremendous amount.

Oh, if someone made the first crumble, it was, I think it's a botched pie. Do you think it would, it's hot on the heels of a pie. Someone's breaking through pie. What, what is the, I mean, I'm not chef here. What is the top of a crumble? Cause it's not pastures.

No. Bread crumbs? Bread crumbs, isn't it? So maybe, maybe bread crumbs or sugar? Yeah, yeah. Bit of biscuit crumbs, biscuit crumbs? Flare and sugar. Wait, hang on a sec.

Yes, yes. Caution, those. Flare and sugar. Biscuits. Biscuits. Butter, butter. By the way, if you think we've got insane, producer Emmer is shouting at us through a piece of glass

that we can't actually hear. This should be the cookery show, right here. What cookery show? We should picture cookery show. This is what we've been talking about. Someone who has no idea what they're, so they just get picture of the food and you go, here's what it is, and then you just go like,

you've got a load of ingredients, just try and get as close as you can to that thing. That's a great idea for a show. What are the great ideas for a show? Yes! Not even a picture. So you just say, look, you're making toad in the hole. What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show?

What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show?

What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show?

What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? What do they use for a show? But how am I making batter? I don't think the I don't think I'm a skit. I imagine. All of our dishes are going to be like skits and butter. All of our dishes are coming out of biscuits. I'm crumbling up a biscuit. That's the first step of any recipe. Crumbling up a biscuit into my god while I'm cooking. Do you do that? Do you eat so much while you're cooking that when it comes to eat the dinner? You're not that bothered about anymore?

No. No, I quite do that. I just drink. You drink when you get, you spiggy bowl, no. What's the secret? I don't like making it nice. Oh, you got it nice. You got it nice. You got to make it nice. Bit of port in the sauce always always always nice.

Port's good, yeah, I know he's sticking about half but I've got a red wine in there. Bit of chocolate maybe. Some chili flakes. Yeah. If you're cooking Oh, no, I was gonna say I like this already. I was gonna say his pork cooked wine, but it isn't Sorry, can I retract my I like this already

Is port cooked wine feels like ports kind of like a reduced wine. I know what you mean. I was just going to say, save on the pork, just cook with red wine for longer. That said, I don't know what pork is. Fermented wine. Stronger wine, isn't it? We just don't know what I is today, do we? I wouldn't just, I wouldn't just put it on today. That's a perfluous, that's, that's a, that's a day. We don't know what anything is. We don't know. Why, why are we taking it upon ourselves to broadcast to people? We don't know a fucking thing. I think that's how USP isn't it? It's just, No, a fucking thing. I think that's how USP isn't it?

It's just... Exacit. Exactly. Exacit to three guys who just haven't got the bloody foggiest and make you feel a bit better about yourself because you'd be like, well, I knew what that was. Yeah.

I don't want a crumbler, mate. Yeah, I like this. I like this common denominator. Yeah, that's... With the scum of the earth is what we do. LAUGHTER With a god damn dirt on people's shoes. We, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, what you got, you got a podcast in the jungle. Well, this is, yeah, this is the thing, isn't it? Well, yeah, like, I often think about this. If I was, okay, how about this one?

If you were to go back in time, yes, to like, I don't know, the medieval age. I don't know, I don't know. So I was gonna go back to your career's interview at school. If you get to like dress up and disguise yourself as your own careers advisor. Oh wow. And then you're in there, what would you say to dress up and disguise yourself as your own careers advisor. Oh wow. And then you're in there.

What would you say to yourself? Oh man. Let's follow, let's pursue Krakis' idea of going back to medieval times. You go back to medieval times. What knowledge would you be able to impart? Would you be able to show them anything? I'd be like, check this out. Oh yeah, you could tell them that cleanliness was directly related to disease. Godliness. Godliness, yes.

I just have a bunch of aphorisms actually. I'd take a stitching time, saves nine. Who was that man? Let's kill him. You could tell them, because that was a big breakthrough, wasn't it, that washing your hands was very related to that too? What, I think it would you choose to arrive many evil times the most free thing I have? To most free them out. Yeah.

I think I'd arrive as a cricket player. Because they've been like, what the fuck's going on with the masked on? With the pads. Oh, you look like a warrior from the future. And I've like, yeah, like, I have the white pads on, the white tray, all in white, they think I'm like, God. Yeah, because they're not really like...

The blue helmet, just in case they throw a veg at me, and a cricket bat for obvious reasons. It's just a crazy... So you get back the veg away? Yeah. So you'd have meant cricket. No. Oh, right.

I'd keep it completely separate from the sport. I was just here, I was thinking, would I have out the cricket outfit? Like, what a was just here, I was thinking about the cricket outfit. Like, what a great outfit man, just walking around, me nose, pants all day, and you howl mitt, you just feel great. You'll get a lot of people asking you about cricket. If you're not willing to talk about the one day

international, I don't know. That's why I'm back in the medieval times. I'm sorry. I like the outfit, I don't know the bag is your round. I'm going to go to a time, predating cricket. Yeah. And I'd like to just be like, outfit, I don't have the baggage around. I'm gonna go to a time predating cricket. Yeah. And I'd like just be like, whoo, who am I?

Who? Who were you? Who are you? Who are you? Why would you start with asking who you were? Wouldn't you, isn't surely, if you're showing up in the cricket whites, you want to be saying,

I am he who dresses this way. No, that's true. You know, rather than you saying, that's what you're saying to me or every morning before you leave the house, isn't it? Yeah, it is. As I'm putting on my underpants. I am he who dresses this way.

I am he who dresses this way. You know, sometimes when you get to our age in life, you need absolutes. Yes. And sometimes someone says to you, who are you? You're a very nebulous thing. So if you can focus down on one thing and just say, I am he, who dresses this way, there is absolutely no dispute. Exactly.

And a lot of people will do other things like looking the mirror and say to yourself, you're beautiful, you're strong, well, I can't do that. You're capable of anything. What you can do is you can look in the mirror and say, I am he, who dresses this way. You can absolutely believe.

You can't absolutely go to town on that. and say, I am he who dresses this way. And you can absolutely believe it. You can absolutely go to town on that. Do you know what I've started saying it to myself when I'm naked? Whoa, just to confuse myself. Just to throw myself off. You have to do this. I am he who dresses this way.

He's not going to question me. You're going to get the end. You're right, it's getting lower down your body. I am here, you're dressing this. Where are you? Why would my eyes go lower down my body? Did you work your standing down? All right, I think down your face. Sorry, I thought you meant like, I'm a partlin'.

No, no, no, no, no. Not like, oh, on the end of total recall. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. You're not like, you know. My eyes are sort of slowly drifting downwards as it's physically enough. You're not just open, know. My eyes are sort of slowly drifting downwards as if you're just open the arc of the covenant. You're checking yourself out. I haven't done like a pan's labyrinth.

No, no. 20 million, is that something, is that a move? I have it to move E. I have E who has eyeballs on my palms. What was the thing, was the that, like when you're naked, you're doing a goat or shit like that, when you're a kid at school. Sorry, wait, when you're naked, you did a goat.

Yeah, no, no, no, no, like it'd be like a move. You didn't even grab it in the countryside, you've got no excuse. You grab your balls, I can pull it over your knob and that's called a cheesy hedgehog or something. I've never heard. Can I just say, I've never heard any of this. But that's not what it was, I'm just giving that as an example. A cheesy head chug. You'd be like, you know, do the gold goat burger or something?

Go burger. You tuck your knob under your balls and then you You're confusing your life with the added goat or with the successful touring show puppetry of the penis. Well, I like, I like, I like, I like, on a playground level there was always that light. What is going on? Wait, no one. This is actually, this is actually, I killed all the playgrounds, bullocky balls. No, I've had a memory.

Oh, I've had a memory. And this is not a memory I hope to dredge up, but this is, you know, a playground to the goal. I am he who is bullied this way. I remember a kid, I'll do front names only, but Neil, you know who you are, Neil. Yeah, Neil. All right, I'm going to change his name.

Terry. Neil Terry. And he's like, John Terry's son. That makes sense. I sat across from him in primary school, and he would often say, look under the desk, and he would pull his shorts to one side. Yeah. And then he had an incredibly, incredibly purple bellend and he would do all kinds of stuff like turning his knob,

you know, basically, look at his knob inside out. And he'd give them all names. He'd be like, hey, check this one out, Matthew, Cannonball run and then he'd pop his knob inside out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what we're talking about. This is strong stuff from Neil. Thank you, mate.

That's all that, man. But it's, you know, when you're a little kid, though. It's not, it wasn't, it's, well, like when you're a very small child, it's not because that's what he does. Neil wants this. It might not have been his name now, I think it might have just been a command. But yeah, that's, that's so, when you're a, when you're a child, it's non-sexual, isn't it?

The body is just a thing to discover, you know. It's a different time. I wasn't, you know, Neil and I weren't lovers. That came later. But he was just the man who exposed himself this way. Well, the child, you know. It was, it was, yeah, it was a wild type of person. I was just exposed to myself this way. Yeah, let's not drill down too deeply into that one. But anyway, so what, what, when were you doing this, Harry? You weren't expecting yourself to be schooled. I wasn't Neil, I was you in that story.

I was, you know, the man dressed as this one. I was the man who was supposed to do this, I guess. Like, you know, I'm saying, like there were always people who come in and be like, you know, this is the walk-in. It gets into the classroom. Guys, give me a tear about the, the cat-a-ball run. Have you done the walking pineapple or whatever it is?

Your face is out of control. At least with the cannonball run, it's fairly obvious what's going on. Maybe dig that like Bert Reynolds. There's a lot of real mustache. Not yet. Give me a few years. Hellboy hat. It was Bert Reynolds slapping Tom Delewies around the face.

As we see, it's having subtitles on a foreign film cheek. As we see. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats, but ice tea and ice cream? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats! Get almost almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See up for details. Do you want to see what the world is really like?

Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to act in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December bunkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters for December 15th.

So, let's move aside those conversation. Well, let's move aside. I'm not sure I'll speak. Yeah, pop onto the table for a second. Which way do you dress? I am he who dresses to the left. What outfit would you choose to ride back in medieval times wearing? That's what we're talking about, so there we go.

Be good about impact. Or I'd say what? Seek like sequins would be good. I thought you could dress like a sequins. Wear a turban. I think a sequins is a good call. Rocket man. Yeah, that would really blow them on. Sharp in like a sequins sequins is a good call. Rocket man. Yeah, that would really blow them out.

Sharping like a sequins jump suit. Yeah. Yes. I'm just trying not to get burnt as a witch. That's got a key thing, isn't it? Well, the thing is there. I could just, you just dress like someone from Medieval times. You've got to be like, I'm going to blow their minds.

You know what I would dress as? Go on. A monk. Because basically, people, most people were monks in Medieval times. Most people were monks in Medieval times and they at us. Most people are monks in many of the times and they had the commanded respect. Isn't it weird that monks like Sartorly speaking stopped very early doors? They're basically the armish of the religion world. They're like, there's a lot more being in a month, couldn't they? In terms of how you dress. What you want is, you know,

you're going to want this as us. You remember when Jeff banks redesigned the Cubscaught uniform This is what you need you need to get someone a cool fashion designer now or like a football strip every couple of years You're releasing your own cake fit and it's like oh, I can't wait to what the monks gonna do this year What are the monks what are the monks awake it gonna be like and there's like a little video to announce what the monks are doing There's a show and there's like a little video to announce what the monks are doing. There's a show. And there's Travis. And they're transferred deadline day. LAUGHTER Who they're going to be sponsored by this year. Who are the monks sponsored by?

Doritos, who knew? I like, I mean, why not? Like imagine if Nike came out and we're like, we've got the nuns. Yeah. You know what I mean? They hold at the brunt. Nike were like, the nuns have signed on the dotted line. Yeah, they're still doing it.

They now is done. We take care of the nuns. But we still got the, yeah. So right Nike you've got the nuns. Yeah. Someone a bit more capper. Capper of got what's he got like those trousers that pop at the sides. The monks.

They've got the, the capper poppers. Yeah. For the monks. Who's got the, the capa poppers. Yeah. For the monks. Who's got a sense? Because they could be like gowns, and then you could pop up them up for the evening and go out, and the town. And the town.

The monks on the town. This is capitalism, isn't it? But it's fun. It's capa. To listen. It's capa. To listen. To listen.

But that's the thing about capitalism. The reason it's so successful is because people like it. Yeah. That's the problem. You know, the reason that socialism is not such a big roaring success and is that in fact, you know, seen as quite threatening by sort of top capitalist fat cats is that it requires a lot of goodness to come from within, whereas capitalism is long term reward, it's supposed to short term reward. Capitalism is all short term reward. Right. But that said, doesn't mean that the monks can't dress nicely. Exactly. They're just one of the good, man. There's lots of positives. There's lots of positives to capitalism.

And also, I think monks, it make them more popular. Like if you've got school kids dressing as monks, because it's cool, then they're likely to come on and be a monk. Do you think monks are on the decline? It feels like they're on the decline. When was that time you saw a monk? Whereas you go back to the 80s, monks all over the high street.

Very fashionable. You can hardly move for monks. Exactly. What do you think to the tons... We're like white dogmas. Just don't see it anymore. Just don't see it anymore. What do you think to the tonsure haircut? I don't know what the tonsure haircut is. Is it the one-car cut?

The one-car cut on top. Yeah, the bulled on top, the ring of hair around. They stuck with two long. How are you confident? They stuck with it for too long. Do you think so? Yeah. They absolutely do. What's the reasoning behind shaving the top of the head? Is it to get you closer to God? They stuck with it too long. Do you think so? Yeah.

What's the reasoning behind shaving the top of the head? Is it to get you closer to God? I imagine it's something to do with letting God in the top of your head. That feels too basic, doesn't it? I do not think it's that. What is it then? I don't know. I think it's to do with lack of vanity.

I think that's what I'm saying. Oh. I think it's like a deliberately stupid haircut. No, no, no, no. Lack of vanity is a big part of, because that's why Nons wear the habit. Yeah. And if you ever see an annum without her habit on, they often have quite a severe perfunctory haircut. So yeah, so I guess.

Simplicity. Closed to godliness. But there could be Clark's idea that it's a Sunry for God. That might be it, that might be it. You know, that might be actually... I believe, I believe. I actually genuinely... You know when you hear a stupid thing that said out loud.

Sorry, Clarky. But I actually genuinely did think I... Brap, brap, brap! I genuinely thought that's what it was, Clarky. So I'm on your side, but now I hear it out loud. But the thing is, the thing is we're doing it as like a lack of vanity thing. It's actually quite a high, it looks like quite a high maintenance cut, doesn't it?

You're not only cutting the top of your hair, you're cutting the top, the bottom of it, you're doing a pincer movement on your hair. Why are you? You're not just from the middle and up from the bottom. How do you, like, because presumably, how do you cut hair so that it does it all just fall out? Like, surely, how do you get the perfect circle

which, which not? Oh, I don't. Is it a halo? Is it a halo? I don't think so. You think it's just, what, the answer you gave originally? I do, I'm just taking my original answer here. I do, I'm just taking my original answer here.

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do. I think so. I feel like I'm, I feel like I'm sticking my original answer here. I think so. I feel like I'm giving great answers left right in centre here. I mean it could be those things I was just don't think it is. I'm not going to take away your rights to do it. I think you've got to keep on firing out the gold. But it all means. So, Danny, you're just not going to agree with it.

No, fair enough you know And that is my that is your god given right given right through the top of my head The fact to my massive balls. I've always wondered why you were such a godly man You feel a lot closer to God than you to you do you do seem like your close Thank you firstly you're taller than me. You're older. You're baller than me And that's a really, really, I mean, that's it. That's it. Where did you stop going to church?

Good question. When I was about, I'd go around the late, late 90s. I think I was still going when I went to university. I think you were as well. Yeah. But I occasionally dip in. Yeah. Dip in it. It will be like, oh my God, a monk. Yeah. A monk shown up. A cricketing monk. You're wasting your time, everyone. Lend me some money. Why is that your run-up to let me some money? You're wasting your time.

Ah, because everyone's gonna, it's just before collection. I'll tell you what, you really have been wasting your time recently, not giving me money. Parry's daughter's student loan was just going into places and asking for money. Guys, seriously, Barclays, you're wasting your time. Give me some money. Give me some money. Give me some cash. I am the man who dresses this way.

You're wasting your time. Give me some money. Did you, you went through Uniasers Christian? Is that what you're saying? I went through the first year of Uniius Christian, I think. Yeah. Whoa. That's the thing, I think, I mean, I was saying like that, that's easy.

If you turn up in the medley, medley ages, right? Yeah. The medieval times, or the Middle Ages, or a combination of the two, the Middle Ages. The Middle Ages. The Middle Ages. The Middle Ages, which is the being between. Sure.

You turn up in the medieval ages. Yeah. Dressed as a cricketer. Oh, yeah. Do you think that's going to give you enough clout to cancel religion? No. Because that's what I think we should try and do. I think if you're traveling back in time, one of the best things you could do is get rid of religion. That's what I would think. I think of all the things I would aim to do. Yeah. I'd probably go for that. And that's how you'd start. So you think I'd show up dressed like Jeffrey Boycott. Yeah. And Jeffrey Boycott really just...

I'd be just up to the nines. You'd be just up to the nines. You'd be just up to the nines. Yeah. Showing up as Boycott. Saying Boycott religion. It's Jeffrey Boycott God is my, that's the message. Jeffrey Boycott God. Well, Jeffrey's bald. He's Boycott God, Jeffrey's bald, he's closer to,

he's got the sunroof. Yeah, he's tall. He's got the sunroof fit. He's got the sunroof to God. He's got the sunroof to God fit. Um, do you ever see someone wear a T-shirt that says, it's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a sex drive. Yeah, yeah.

Oh my God. Not seeing that. They were all the rage back in the 80s. Monks, white dogmas. Those t-shirts. Yeah, but Jeffrey Boycott got. Yeah. Maybe Jeffrey Boycott's the man to do it.

We send him back to the medieval ages. He gets rid of God. With his own particular brand of nonsense. Racism. Yeah, unfortunately. I think if I was going to do a sort of reverse mission, then I don't think... You ever done a reverse mission?

Yeah, Neil showed me under the table. If I was ever going to do a mission to convince people not to be Christians, I don't think Jeffrey Boycott's gonna do it. And also I record boycotts in church every Sunday. Yeah, okay, that's very enough. Let's not say Jeffrey Boycott. Let's keep it as you, Jeffrey Boycott.

Jeffrey Boycott God. Okay, I arrived just as a quick day into the menu, I just convinced him that religion is dead. Well, hold on. How are you gonna do it? Are you gonna kind of try and convince them that you want God? Well, they're in lies the danger right of traveling back in time with God like you're gonna arrive looking Pretty God-like. Yeah, dress certainly will work dressed all in white. Yes a very godly color Of course, I don't know how you're gonna arrive

But if it's some sort of time machine you might arrive in a sort of flash of light. The words can spread. This guy, you call himself Jeffrey Boycott, obviously it's you. Yes. Has shown up and told us to turn our backs on God. Yes. Or what do you do? Do you? That's the risk. You're either turning your back on God or you say, I am God. Stop doing all your religious stuff. I don't like it. You get to have one big rewrite of the rule books, which is essentially in line with atheism and then you go, it's tricky, isn't it? You essentially kill yourself. God kills himself basically. God arrives on earth and says, do you know what, forget this, you're on your own. I'm leaving you, there's no afterlife.

Live on earth, love on earth, protect earth. Bayo! And everyone's like, where's he on and who's that guy? Yeah, but you know what's gonna happen is you're gonna arrive back to the present day. Hello, with your time machine. And you're gonna be a living God. I think that's the unfortunate side effect. But it'll be you.

It'll be the second coming. Exactly. Yeah, but then you just go and get worked on. What do you mean go get worked on? What? Let's just get a job. Yeah, you just go and know what I recognize you. Just make sure you're not recognizing. What? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, I do know what you mean. I don't know why you're, I don't know why you want to get rid of religion. What would you get rid of if you went back to the medieval ages? Cancer.

Oh. So how? I go back. Cancer wasn't around in the medieval. I'd be dressed as a Wayne Gretzky, the ice hockey player. Good choice. And I would say. Very good choice. I'll be dressed as Wayne Gretzky, the ice hockey player. Good choice. And I would say, all right, guys, it is I who dresses this way.

Wayne Gretzky. Wayne Gretzky, and you're Rick Gretzky. It is I who get in cancer. It is I who Gretzky's this way. It is I who Gretzky's this way, and then I just disappear and go like, oh, yeah, we won't invent that. We won't invent cancer. Yeah, we'll go.

The interesting one. All right, it doesn't listen. It doesn't. No, no, no, I admire your right to say these things. I'm just not going to agree with it. You know, that's how I feel. You see, this is why I feel. No, that's how I feel.

This is why religion can exist. Because you can respect people's right to believe in things. But I just think it seems a little bit unfair to go back and go. Well, look, no one gets a choice in whether or not they want to be religious. I will, I demonstrate them something that makes them not want to be religious, I think that's the, that's the thing. There's no order coming down the line, is there? Like in my plan, which I'm starting to know I think is foolproof.

That's unlike you for a plan. There's a plan to us. I am God. Look at me. Right. Is slanders. I am God. Look at me. Right. A past myself as God. I think you're getting into dangerous territory. If you're planned to abolish religion,

involve setting yourself up as God. Yes, but I need to kill yourself. That's my plan. That's the way it goes. You turn up and you say, all right, everyone, because you're either the quick to that they go, they must be God. You go, I'm God. We've established that.

The eye is hockey, things do that. That's the fact. Clocky. Yeah, so we'll get clocky, so. So, you're right. You say, look, okay, everyone goes, God, he must be God and you go, yeah, okay, I am God. Okay. Fair dues.

Listen, you've got me on that one. I've come down with one message and only one message at all. God is going now. I'm going out. I'm on the way out. You're going to be on your own. There's no afterlife. Don't worship me. So there's no God anymore. Right. All that's left is earth and you've got to protect earth. You've got to love each other. You've got to accept one another. There are no, there's no kind of the way you live is about Something that works for society not for me right Good luck for the many not for us. You're on your own God bless And then I shit was having the foot whether you're I've taken back I've taken back a fast bowler with me

I've taken back I've taken back a fast bowler with me Jimmy Anderson's running in why yeah, I think I mean the problem is the God bless about apart from that The plan is absolutely full, and then I said all right this is so when I disappear I pull for the cry to smoke you're on your own can I ask you a question about this plan? Oh, yeah If a medieval person said that I'd take no no question Of course it's gonna be a minefield So no God's not taking questions, God's not taking questions today. God's not taking questions today. Right. That sounds like a 1975 album. I think it sounds a little bit more like a kind of young adult fiction novel from the 80s. God's not taking questions today. Manic Street

Preach's album. Could be. These are all options. Do treat us at that. But what you think God's not taking questions today could be. Oh, that's good. Yeah. What do you leave us for review? If you leave us for review, tell us what you think God's not taking questions at all.

Just get us on Twitter. It could be like the worst tattoo you would see. God's not taking questions today is not a bad tattoo, actually. Where would it be? Just about my dick. Okay. So you're going back dressed as nice, I can play it to get really cancelled. I had a question about your, about your pattern. I know you're trying to move on, but listen, right, I played out my scenario, my scenario doesn't work.

Right? It doesn't, the Wayne Gretzky curing cancer thing doesn't work and I, you know, I tried my best. You gave it a good go though. I made a good fist of it, but unfortunately it didn't work. Perry, I've got a question to you. So you say you arrive back in medieval Middle Ages, right? I like. Whereabouts?

I don't know. Oh, you see, that's the problem. You've got to arrive in front of the right people. Because you know who really cared about God, Kings. Because they had the divine right of Kings, didn't they? So they had... Yeah, but they wouldn't give it up.

They wouldn't give it up. Exactly. So you need to get the people to revolt against... You know, basically, you need a revolution. I'd pick a really public gallery. What's a really great gallery? Live, like a... I'd make sure all the monks are there, all the kings are there. Yeah.

You know, like the launch of the new monks range, whatever it be. Okay, yeah, yeah. So if they're doing that, when they're coming out with all the cows... Okay, yeah. ...and then I'd appear and I'd be like, Right, King, listen to me. That's a good point. Listen to, right, King, listen to me. That's my point. Listen to me. Masses, listen to me.

And they'd be like, wow, it's God. Check this guy out. It's Jeffrey Boycott God. So yeah, it'd be the most public event I could think of. So you're thinking of the town square? The thing is though, I don't know where I'm going. Yeah. I don't know, it's a town square.

Aren't you just reinventing religion? By coming down. This is what I've been saying. I've been saying. This is what I've going to. That sounds good. Aren't you just reinventing religion? By coming down. This is what I've been saying. Re-immenting religion to destroy religion. Keep going, going back to that. Which religion has ever destroyed its God? It's the problem with God's. They keep themselves around.

This is like nature. So it goes out, then we'll be all right. They got out. That's what you need today. So Clarky, you're going back to the meddling races. You dressed as a jockey. You're a... You dressed as Willie Carson.

You're a ride back in the middle of the ages. You dressed as a jockey. What's your message? Why, why, in fact... Why am I not dressed as a jockey? I'm the smallest one. Yeah, I know. We know, you bucked up, you do well.

That's true. No, go on, you can dress as something else. What would you dressed up. You do well. Yeah, that's true. No, go on. You can dress this into else. What would you choose? You can choose right to dress. Any sports. It has to be a sport, but backstop at baseball. Oh, okay.

We're all in bracing the masks. Yeah, definitely the mask. Yeah, we don't want to get recognized. So you show that kind of padded bib. Yeah, the big, it's like a big shin pad, basically, war on the chest. Yeah, yeah, got it. For when all the fruit goes through something, yeah.

Yeah, for the fruit. And for the fruit, for the fruit, go. Yeah, because they're going to, you know, the one thing I know about middle ages, medieval times is guys, they threw fruit. They threw the fruit. Nice bananas. I wonder if they threw a pie.

Right? Hear me out. Pie hits somebody. It lands. They're like, oh, that pie's ruined. Is it though? Crumble, is it? First ever crumble.

Is that, and that's what's happened? And that's what Klocky's done. Klocky went back in time. It just kept, it's amazing. It's the crumble paradox. Yes. How, and look, when, unless we'd had this chat, Clarky would have gone back.

So it all works. And let me tell you, that's the way the paradox crumbles. How's Beauty? Can I have a lift, I live in the need. How's Beauty? And so, listen, a dear, that episode is what the Christopher Burst song, a Space Man, came to traveling is really about.

It is, isn't it? Yeah, who knew? A little la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la And if you enjoyed that episode, you can leave us a review. Like 24 Matt did. He says, cold cuts a bit hit and miss. Slend down, still totally brilliant. Wouldn't give the third option house room tad indulgent chaps. Thank you very much, 24 Matt. I find that hard to... I find that hard to stomach.

That is a brilliant review. That is, I mean, if he listens to today's episode and sees that as a tad indulgent, well, I mean, he needs to have his break, you know what, you know what, mate, have a few more bananas. I think your potassium levels are running like, how about nine of them mate? Did he leave five stars? He, you know what, he left his four stars.

Okay. We've lost his darkers at this one, but you know what, I loved it. It's good. You know what, I don't think we should be encouraging the Luke warm If you look if you love the show then we encourage honesty yeah, if you let me exactly Please be honest if you love the show then please get on iTunes leave us a review I mean, you know we can't tell you it's five stars, but leave us a five stars if you love the show And what did we ask people to do? Well I can tell you now M89, she is just a

space at a point of order. She gives us five stars and thank you very much M89 and it says Inkwell Desks. You're going to talk about Inkwell Desks. She says Inkwell Desks existed in 1999 in Kent. That's why I went to school. In Alpington, existed in 1999 in Kent. I had one. I adore. That's the end of to school. In Alpinton, existed in 1999 in Kent, I had one.

I adore. That's the end of the sentence. I adore. That's lovely. I love it. And then she says, Papis and thanks produce Emma. So I think there shouldn't have been a full stop there.

I think she's just saying, I adore Papis. But still, I like the fact that she's talking about, I prefer to think that she adores her Inquil desk. That's the way I'm looking. Those happy memories are very Inquil desk. Those happy memories of her in-quail desk. That is what we will invoke. Absolutely. A simpler time, unless of course you're Matt 24.

Slightly more complicated time when you have to skip every 30 episodes. Well, if you wanna leave us a review, five stars on iTunes and tell us this time round, what do you think God is not taking any questions today would make a good something? Yes, that means quite a confusing question. But God is not taking any questions today.

What does it mean? What's the backstory to it? Put it on our Twitter, put it on our Facebook at Papi's tweet, Papi's flat share on Facebook and or find us obviously on iTunes. Yes. We do review there. Support our Patreon. We can't do this without the support of Yes. We do review there. Support our Patreon. We can't do this without the support of all of our patrons out there.

There'll be a Patreon neighborhood watch roll call, probably at the end of the show. Yes, sir. Well, and if you're not a member, please go on there and look what you can have. There's lots of bonus footage. There's lots of treats. Yeah. If you'd like this stuff, intelligent.

Just wait to hear the bonus footage. Yeah. If you find this stuff intelligent just wait to hear the bonus footage Yeah, we're gonna be at the end of the road festival on the 30th of August So get your tickets now for that. Yeah, we'll be on the Friday afternoon at midday And I think we've we can already confirm that either Graham is our guest for that We have another guest still to be announced. I think I know who it is But I can't say just yet because they've not said yes just yet Will also be at the London podcast festival. We certainly will on the 8th of September, 7pm.

Please come along guys, it'd be great. Please do come along. And if you're up at the end of a fringe, I'm doing a solo show that is on 6pm in the Pleasants Courtyard called Pario Kee, so please come and have a look. And if you're taking your kids as well, Tom has a brilliant family show. Yes, called Kafka for Kids, which is on a half-twelve in the same venue. Which I saw last year and I absolutely adore it.

It was absolutely phenomenal. So please do go along and see that if you have kids. Oh, you know, I went along, I didn't have any kids. So at a great time, it's a fantastic show. Fun for all. This episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham, doom. And please stay tuned for the Patreon neighborhood watch.

Please, please guys. Please be honest about it guys. For the P.A. box neighborhood watch. Roll call. Cheers everyone. Bye. Will you please be upscending for tonight's neighborhood watch roll call! BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABAB Bum-bum. They can't stand being tickles. Alex Nichols. Yeah, and I meet our biggest fan. It's Jan. He wants bummed a leopard.

And I saw it happen. And I was very disappointed with Ben Shepherd. Don't bummeromer, let's do it. For legal reasons, we wanted to say that he definitely did. He, I mean, I saw you happen. I mean, if he wants to take us to court, you remember, right? We've got some video footage.

I texted you as I was watching it. It's very impressive, he's very fast, isn't he? He's very fast, he's very fast. He's very fast, it's very impressive. He's very fast, isn't he? He's very fast. He's very fast. He's very fast. It's Ben Shepherd. Oh, he's done Ben Shepherd again. No, no, yeah, we did Ben Shepherd because a parry did it. Okay, oh, sorry, it's my turn. Sorry. I was about to do a third time.

He's like a cat that happened. I was about to do a third time. I was wondering if I could cut the leopard. She always wears a flower. It's margarette, ma gawan. Unfortunately, she's been froze. It's Madeline Rose. If you're going to go, then Golden. LAUGHTER Adam Sodden.

That concludes quite possibly the worst. And final. LAUGHTER David Watch. Roll call. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM December 15th.