Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Old Brown Long Trouser Manifesto) S14E45

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

Tom, Ben and Matthew slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. Tis the season, yes - it's time for long trousers and domestic terror. Ho ho ho... my god, what a lovely coat!Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear. I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to a very exciting festive edition of House Feasting. What? Oh no! You can't tell us that after we've recorded it. I forgot it. That's what it was. Oh no. Okay. This is designed to get you feeling all festive. I mean, we do talk about the seasons. Yeah. So it's there. It's all there. It's all there guys.

But yeah, this ordinarily on the first Tuesday of the month, you would hear a flat share slam down. But by the time you hear this, we'll have only just recorded our Christmas flat share slam down. So it's going to come out next week. So this is a little kind of paving the way. This is John the Baptist thing for the Flat Shared Slamdown that's going to happen in a week's time. Wonderful. Didn't he end up with his head on a plate? Very much so. Yes. Okay. And again, we And again, we're back to the Bible.

And another great story from the Bible is the story from the Nativity, which Tom's gonna tell us now just to make this the Christmas episode. So picture if you will, a manger, a lonely manger. Here we go, Tom, off you go. You know, when you're watching, or you see films that only got made,

like they weren't a Christmas film. Yeah. And then they went, if this could be a Christmas film, then it would get made. Yeah. And so it's just a normal film, but some people wear Santa hats in like one of the scenes. Yeah.

And they put some presents in the background. That's what we need to do to this episode. Yeah, that's what we need to do. In fact, maybe just a sleigh bells and this is what I was thinking. Yeah, we're creating slightly more work for caution as we always like to do. But what we could do for this is if during the little jingles, the little interstitial bits in house meeting, we just stick some. It doesn't even have to correspond with the rhythm.

Just stick some jingle bells on the top of it. I've got a good idea. Yeah, go on. We each now do our favorite line from the band-aid single and They get dropped in at any point during the show. I'm gonna add sharing this one instead and step back if that's great Great, okay. I'm gonna follow this one to do for two or four times Yeah, go on go let's let's give us to give us the bottom line go on, go on. Let's give us the Bono line. Go on.

Well tonight, thank God, it's them instead of you. Didn't you change it later on to? Well tonight we're reaching out and touching you. Something like that? I can't believe they changed it from that to that. I think they went from one problematic line to another problematic line. Guys, I've got it. There's no way that this one can be misconstrued.

I think the most recent version is tonight. I'm proud to say I'm Barnau He's making it all about himself and that's fine We knew he was making it all about himself from the way he sang it anyway He makes up the lyrics every time anyway because he can't see the words with his shades on It would be so much funnier if he just did If the line was just him going Barnau, Barnau, Barnaw, Barnaw!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, me! Do you know what? I'd really enjoy a reworking of the Band-Aid single where every artist just sings their name instead of the line. That's really good. That's really good. That's really good. And Paul Young, Paul Young, Paul Young. I'd really be into that. Yeah. That would be so good. Clarky, do you want to drop a Band Aid line in there?

I've been desperately trying to remember what the Dizzy Vascal little rap was from when they redid it with... They did a modern... Give a little gift to the masses, it was something like that wasn't it? Yeah, that's it. Did he rhyme that with shake your asses? Yeah, he was like, yeah I'm tapping asses, wasn't it? Again, again, again, in an attempt to make it less problematic. They got someone extremely problematic in.

It was, yeah, it was give a little gift to the masses tonight. I'm reaching out and touching asses. That's right. Borrowing him high five. And honestly, tonight, thank God, it's them instead of you. I think we've Christmas up this episode enough now. We can go back to the usual. Oh, we've really Christmas did up. Yeah, we've really Christmas did up, but sticking those sleigh bells caution.

If you listen to this bit, you probably don't, you're just sticking it out. Also, I wouldn't if I was editing it. It's all good. It's all got a frankenstance in there. We had a fun chat. Well, we had a fun chat. We had a fun chat. It wasn't too Christmasy, but look, you can start Christmas too early these days.

Oh, a good way to start Christmas too early though, Tom, would be to join the Patreon. Oh hang on, as like a Christmas present for someone you know likes the podcast. Yeah, or just a Christmas present to yourself. Yeah, treat yourself this Christmas. Everyone gets a bit of Christmas money these days. Normally people don't know what to get you, so they just give you a little bit of cash and say get yourself something nice. days normally people don't know what to get you so they just give you a little bit of cash and say get yourself something nice yeah instead of panicking and buying something that you don't want a coat you could for example get yourself on the patreon get yourself a bonus podcast episode from pappies every thursday what could be warmer than the gift of Christmas laughter? Well, a coat. But still, the next best thing is going to patreon.com forward slash Papi's flat share

and getting yourself an annual subscription. Wonderful. Why not? Absolutely. I love that idea. If you don't feel like you can fork out for the annual subscription straight away, you want to sort of test the waters a little bit. We have a little try before you buy.

There's a seven day free trial. I don't think we can do a seven day free trial on an annual subscription though. I don't want people to get confused with that. Well for the next seven days I'm not going to subscribe. Yeah, so a seven day free trial. Go along to patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share. Join today and if you like it after seven days you can stick around. Join today and if you like it after seven days, you can stick around. Wonderful, but let's get into this otherwise very festive chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat. House meeting. What temperature should we set? The heat. House meeting. Why on earth am I always waiting? House meeting. Who wet my bed while I was sleeping? Let's have a house meeting. What's the point? Does life have a meeting? So, Parry, hello, you're in your shed, as you usually are, and you've got yourself, you've got a big coat on.

Yes. Got a big, a big thick coat. Is, is this the season now? Is this your, you're in, you're in winter coat in the office season? Is it? Yeah. Because that's, it is winter the season for coats. That's that's, that's my question.

Yeah. It's because what, when do you know it's, it's officially question. Yeah, it's because what when do you know it's it's officially winter for me. It's seeing Perry wearing a coat. I think during the podcast, autumn is when the shorts go away. The shorts get packed away and you switch to long trousers. Yeah, that's the turn. The winter is when is when the coat comes out in the office.

I think I have to I only have two seasons, really. Yes. Talk us through them. I have shorts and long trousers. And I think if it like if I was left to my own devices, that's how I would operate two seasons. And how do you how do you operate? Because you're fighting you're forced to by the rest of the world. Four seasons. Yeah. The archaic four seasons.

The archaic four seasons. You know, the four seasons. It's a classic. But I mean, what do you mean left your own devices? Like, what do you I mean, if you're saying I would either what you're doing currently, there isn't long trousers, short trousers. What other what two other things are you doing? Three quarter lengths.

Yeah. Pedal pushers in the pedal pushers in the autumn months. If I'd never met anyone else. If I was if I'd been if I existed in isolation and then someone phoned me and they said so. Well, what how'd you go? I'd be like, OK, so we have two seasons, shorts and long trousers. The short season's longer than the long trousers season. He's done very well.

He's lived on his own. He's invented shorts and trousers. He's invented two different types of trouser. That's all there for me. But I'm just kind of, I've been M. Night Shyamalan basically without meaning to reopen old topics. I'm in a bubble, you know, like, you know, I'd just be I'd have two seasons.

This whole autumn to winter stuff's murky murky. I tell you what, actually, a Truman show of Tom. Where he's been like left feral. I don't think I could pick a better person by Will Ferrell. At what stage do you imagine this is happening, Tom? Are you imagining it's happening to you? What's like, at what age are you? I'm the age I am now and I, I'd be like, it's me. I don't think you can be feral at this stage. It's me. Hi. I'm the trouble.

It's me. Okay. I've got two seasons going on. That's how I define it. Okay. It gets to a certain time of year and it's like, oh God, I've got to put the shorts away. The shorts go away. And then all I'm doing is waiting for the shorts to come back out.

And then it's like, OK, the worm has turned. So the question I'm asking you, Tom, is how is that different from what you cut your current situation? Now, I appreciate I know I know we have a great sport with me, not understanding there are four seasons. I understand there are four seasons, right? Doesn't sound like it, do you? But how is you saying I need to be long trousers or short trousers? How is that different from what your current system you're currently?

That's how I'd refer to the times of year. I see. I would exist with two times of year. There's two seasons, shorts or long trousers. I do away with spring summer. These, but there's blurred lines. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To quote my favorite song in the world. So in the same way that some people refer to August as Edinburgh, right? Then you would refer to you would refer to as long trousers or short trousers. It's a thing that exists already long trousers and short trousers, but you'd also that would also be the name for your seasons. You really shouldn't have bought in Edinburgh the one place where

the short trouser season doesn't exist. Not for Tom. Short trousers, I have to wear short trousers in Edinburgh. It's the perfect attire for it. You need layers on the top. I don't know. So you could have a bit of air get into your legs because you're going into the hottest rooms in the world. It's true. You're coming out into the coldest weather in the world.

You're hot and you're cold. You're yes and you're no. You're up and you're down. To quite your second favourite song. I mean honestly, this is a real jukebox medley, this conversation. I wish I'd never started. Unfortunately no songs by Frankie Valli in the Four Seasons. Because you refuse...

His band would have to be called Frankie Valli and the Long Trousers and Short Trousers. Which is a better name? I think it is. I think it is. I think it is. Have you seen the footage of Frankie Valley out on performing and he looks like one of the animatronics from the rock circus? No, it's unbelievable. He looks like a reanimated corpse.

I'm sorry to say. It's yeah. It looks like it really there's no kind of correspondence between what his mouth is doing and what's apparently coming out of it It's literally he's he's like a Teddy Ruxpin When his song comes up on Spotify That's the picture they go with is like one of his latest gigs where he's surrounded by session musicians Oh, yeah, and he's in the middle, right? I kind of think don't do him like that

Spotify. Yeah, remember him how he was, not how he is. Remember him in his shorts, not in his long trousers. This is what you say at the end of every conversation, isn't it? Listen, remember me how I was, not how I was. Remember me how I was, not what I just said. Yeah, not how I've been today, if that's alright. Cancel that, but don't cancel me. I saw Brian Wilson in Ipswich and that had a bleak tinge to the evening.

Yeah. Well, you were in Ipswich for a start. I think that was a big part of it, yeah. Not doing down Ipswich, I'm sure it's a lovely place, but it just didn't feel like the right setting to watch. You know, it was when he was doing his smile tour, I think doing all of smile. Did he do a lot of smiling? Yes, but it was inappropriate sometimes. Like it wasn't in the right places.

It was like, ah, this is very much confused. Smile would have been a more accurate title to the evening like someone who'd like jangled a set of keys in front of his eyes that sort of thing yeah that's what he felt like yeah what was the name of that guy who was always around that kind of stuff like Van Sant or someone like that there's like a dude who was like I'll be your I'll be a session musician and tour with you and it was like he was it's basically his gig but Brian Wilson's there I wouldn't be surprised if he's around Frankie Valley now.

He's on the. I'll tell you, makes his career. The reanimator. He's on. Yeah. He's a musical reanimator. He's on the sniff. He's just walking around with like junk cables. Yeah. And he's just looking at me, just approaching aging musicians.

Willie Nelson, you're going back out on tour. Good joke. Yeah. Rick Rubin did it to cash, didn't it? It was kind of like, they're just, they're just hopping, they're just, they're just cashing in on an old dude. Making hay. I know, I know you've got, I know you've got severe beef with Rubin. It's been well documented, but I think, I think Rubin allowed Cash to slow down the pace and you know, I didn't feel like Ruben was like forcing him to go out and sing good vibrations, you know, everything was slower, everything was, you know, stripped down everything. It felt like he was allowed. He was, he was allowing him to become, if you will, autumnal. He was, he was, he was easing him into long

travel. He won't, he won't. That season doesn't exist for a start. Rubin must be sniffing around Jones now. He must be waiting for Tom Jones. I reckon the not day goes by where he doesn't call Tom Jones. When Tom Jones went gray, he must have thought that because when you when it when an artist goes, I'm not going to dye my hair anymore, I'm going to go gray. It's only a matter of time before they say, I've got to call Rubin.

I've got to call Rick Rubin, I've got to call Ruben. I've got to call Rick Rubin. I've got to slow it down. Robbie Williams is counting down the days. Do you think Robbie Williams is going to do it? They all they all approach him. Rubin's inbox is full of the people just crossing into the getting a little bit old. And it's like, not yet, Robbie, sorry. Come back when you're 92.

I'll be interested then. Well, what about like Ringo? And it's like, not yet, Robbie, sorry. Come back when you're 92, I'll be interested then. Well, what about like Ringo? Ringo and Ruben together? I don't think McCartney's doing it because he's too much of a sort of one-man musical machine. But what about, do you think Ringo has got a Rick Rubin? I bet Ruben asked.

They did those documentaries. I'd love to know if I ever said this to you before. Those documentaries where they get the one person who's still going in the room or the guy who thinks it was his idea and they kind of Rubin's next to them and it's like, let's just listen to the violins here. And they all stand looking and then they nod at each other.

They're like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. My dream, my dream is to be in a studio in about 25 years time with Stuart Goldsmith, sticking on versions of this podcast where I'm just fading myself up and nodding. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. It's just like, and I'm bringing, I'm bringing, I'm bringing you to down in the mix and then just nodding.

Yeah. Yeah. If you wait now. Have I been down in the mix this whole podcast? We've been Rick Rubin in you the whole time. I've had so much to say. Imagine if someone gets hold of these recordings and goes up on Ben's fader and he's just talking tentative this guy's like your fucking radio host he's just yeah he turned up Clark and he's like actually i've got eight seasons why's no one listening to me now this the thing about spring is spring is actually three or four seasons in one season it's done down actually it's i have like a demi spring it's called a demi spring for. It's like this stream of conscious kind

of like Karoak writing on a toilet roll kind of spewing out a clock. What a twist. Markie's been Ruben all these years. And then yeah, and he's just fading up and down. Beautiful. Whenever I saw the fall, it would always be Marky Smith. Please, I don't acknowledge the fall, I've told you. Long trousers. Come on. Whenever I saw the three-quarter length trousers, didn't I?

Yeah, much better, much better. Marky Smith and the three-quarter length trousers. Marky Smith would just be wandering around, turning down all the other instruments on stage. He's just the singer. He turning down all the other instruments on stage. He's just the singer. He's not got any other instruments. So he would be there literally going to people's amps and just to get the master amp on the top there, just turning everything down. Just no, no, you've had way too much. You've had way too much. Wondering up to the sound desk at the back of the room. Yeah, just getting a load of guys over here, mate, over here, just putting an entire bell jar over the drummer.

Just get a couple of that's right. Just mute him a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's there running out of oxygen inside plugging people's lights on stage. Escorting most of the audience out the door. Come on. Yeah, you've seen enough guys. You've had it too good for too long. What I really want is me in a room going into a microphone on my own

if that's possible. Sounds like the dream. Sounds like the dream. Does sound like the absolute dream. But the reason I mention your coat, Tom, Oh, I see. Oh yeah. Is because what season is it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Tom, I went to, I went to buy a coat the other day.

I'm, I find the purchasing of a winter coat inordinately stressful and I can't kind of put my finger on why. Oh mate, I feel your pain. I feel your pain. It's cause you, it's one of those moments where you have to have introspection. It's almost like a mirror is held up to itself. It's like, who am I? Yeah, yeah.

Because the kind of coat a man wears, it's like, who am I? What am I gonna look like for the entire season? And as you know, that is six months. Yeah, it's a long way to go. It's a long way to go. What am I gonna look like for the next six months? Yeah, and ideally you're locking in for a good 10 years as well.

Like a winter coat, you're like, this is going to be me now. Moving forward. Have you still got old Brian Clarke? I don't have old Brown, but that, that was, that was my twenties. I'd say it was pretty much all old. Brian was around for, yeah. Good 12 years. I think. Core Droy. I reckon it would work today. Actually it didn't work back then. It would have come into its own now. You were ahead of your time. You're not going to believe this but do you know where Old Brown is now? With Ruben. Oh yeah. They're in a studio. They're locking it down. It's turned into Old Grade and then out it goes.

Clarky retired his coat and the next thing you hear is a phone call. Ring! Old Brown, is that you? Old Brown sings. I'd listen. Old Brown has got some tales to tell. Oh, if that coat could talk. Old Brown has been left on a few pub floors, I can tell you that right now.

Wash me! Wash me! Throw me away! It was a death rattle you could hear. You could hear Old Brown before you could hear Clarky. Clarky's running late, now I can definitely hear the... I can smell him coming! Either Marky Smith has started a gig or Old Brown is just around the corner.

But yeah, so in previous years, and in fact, I got I got this year that it was thrown up to me by my by my iPhone where it goes like, here's a memory. No, thank you. Yeah, I don't need that. I don't need that. I've got all the memories I need. Thank you very much. We're working very hard to kill those memories. Thank you. I don't need these memories. Thank you very much. So he said,

here's a memory and it was just a series of photos of me looking entirely straight faced stood in front of mirrors in Topshop, in Uniclo, in H&M, in all of these places. Just look at that. I've taken photos off to send to Charlie on a day when I was like, I've got to buy a coat. And this was from about four or five years ago. Desperate look in his eyes, sadness in his eyes.

Yeah, a real, absolute sadness in my eyes. Every coat seemed to be, you know, just too, either it's too big just because I'm just a small person or it just seems like it makes me the shape of a box. It was either, or too long. If you're a small, short person, you've got to be very careful that you don't suddenly look like you're, you know, three kids in a coat when you put on long coats like that, all of this kind of stuff. Three kids in one coat is what Clarkie calls spring. If you wear a long enough coat though, could you wear shorts underneath?

What do you think I'm wearing a dry robe for? This is what Paris got going on. This is it. I've got pajamas on. Cards on the table. You've got your pajamas on your legs and your cards on the table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do like the dry robe life. The idea of, you know, you can roll out of bed, you can put your dry robe on and you're good to go whether in the garden.

You could probably do the school run in pajamas in a dry robe, couldn't you? Yes. Oh, thousands do down here. Yeah, I can imagine. I can imagine. Yeah. It's the de facto uniform of the school run. People who've never surfed in their lives. People who like the aesthetic of the cold water swimmer. But without actually doing that really weird uncomfortable bit. Without any of the actual wild swimming.

Crocs on, beanie on, dry robe on. Hasn't touched a cold lake in their life. I was thinking about this the other day. You know like it used to be splash some cold water on your face in the morning. Yes. And then gradually it just becomes like- You've woken up, you're still wearing old brown. Go to the bathroom on the pub floor on your face and you try and unpick the night. Dude, where's my old Brown basically? Yeah. We used

to have an app find my old Brown when we didn't know where you were. Where's he woken up now? With GPS tag the coat. And that would mean you would be within a sort of circular radius of about three miles. You're always pretty close to the coat. Not so are you in it? Crawling distance. Crawling distance to the coat. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, go on. Sorry, Kaki. It's the splash water on your face kind of, and then the good old days. In the good old days. And then it's become like, oh, have now it's like the big trend and then then from that it's like ice baths or like get get into a lake and then recently I watched a video where they're like actually you can get all the benefits from doing a big ice bath by just getting a bowl of ice water and just putting your face in it and I was like, hold on, we're just back at splashing cold water on your face. Yeah.

Yeah. We don't have to do all of that. Yeah. You got to go there to come back again though. It's like the air fryer, isn't it? It's just everything wants to be a little bit smaller and they're like, no one's got the space. Have they? You've got a space for a basin in your house. You haven't got space for an ice bath. So that ice bath is taken up so much of my counter space in the moment. It's like a kitchen island. Every morning Megan's coming in. I just want to make some toast.

The kitchen item is the only thing that's above water actually. That's why it's the island. You've got a boat on an island. What would you say to Roman Keating? Hashtag probably nothing at all. Have you lost your old coat or is it time for a change? It's not fit for purpose. I'm reubinding my old coat.

My coat is not it's not fit for purpose anymore. And also it was never really a winter coat, you know what I mean? It was like one of those coats where like it had like a kind of V neck to it, you know, with a big furry collar, but like my decolletage would freeze in the winter time. KM And that is your moneymaker, isn't it? RG Absolutely. I've got to keep that looking as youthful as it currently does. So yeah, so I always have it, always having a scarf, all that kind of stuff.

It wasn't very long, it wasn't very kind of thick. It was just a coat. It was just more of a, you know. So I was always wearing like T-shirt, shirt, jumper, scarf, coat, and you're like this. So it just- I went about seven years without a good winter coat because every year I was like,

oh, I need to do that. And you go, winter's almost over now because you get to Christmas and then you don't realize that of course, Tom will know this. There's another four months of winter still to go. Absolutely. You're like, oh, I'll do it next year. He's got his good trousers on.

Just freeze. So this time Charlie said, look, I'm not gonna go and do your little trip. I'm gonna pick you one coat that I think will work. Nice. I'll send you the link for coat that I think will work. Nice. I'll send you the link for it. It's in Uniqlo. You can buy it online. Now, I'm very averse to buying clothes online,

because I hate the posting them back if they're wrong. So I said, I'm working by Uniqlo in a couple of days. I'll go in, I'll go with somebody else. I'll bring you. I'm doing all right. It's by Uniqlo. I'm working in a Uniqlo. I use my staff discount for the Christmas holidays. Yeah, so I was working by Uniqlo. If I worked in Uniqlo, I'd refer to myself as the Uni-clommer. Do

you think people would do that? Yeah. Are you sure you'd do that? Do you know what? I think that a fun nickname should always be attached in some way to a massive incident of domestic terrorism. I think so. If you can. If you can. It feels like didn't the Unibomber become a bit like a bit cool though? No. Sorry. Just on my websites then. I don't know where you're... Where do you think it would get a bit cool? Which Reddit forums are you member of? Oh, no, I know exactly where this comes from. I can I can tell you exactly why you're Because he from the heels for a while dressed like the Unibomber

When's really really Neil's gonna get together yes, please be it off Mr.. E and Rick Rubin together at once, yeah, but I don't think, I don't think, I don't think generally this guy is seen as a dude. As a chief dude. I don't think that's his. There's a certain kind of counterculture call to him basically. I'm saying don't, you know, don't, don't do him basically. I was saying don't do him down. There's like a Bon Iver kind of vibe to him as well. The whole cabin thing and you know, but he just went to a cabin and

did different things I guess. Yeah, I think, yeah. But there's an ethos, the ethos is similar, let's move on. I'm not sure. I'm not sure man. Well, there's like, who's got their finger on Tom's fader, please for the love of God. Like a romanticism to it. Not from me. Not from me. Oh yeah, no, no, it doesn't sound like it's from you at all actually. From Eels. What I find so hard to say.

So refreshing. While you're singing the praises of the Unabomber, I'm just thinking back to the start of the episode where you were really going at me for asking you about two seasons. I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, pick a team here. Listen, once you read my manifesto, the two seasons thing will really make sense, okay? I'm in my shed. I'm writing. That's all you need to know. You do live out in the sticks in a shed. Don't you? Yeah. There's something of the Ruby Ridge about you, isn't there?

Okay, okay, okay. Now we're thinking about it. I'm not romanticising the Unibaba, but people do, I shall say. I know people romanticise all kind of maniacs, but he did come with a degree of obstacle I think at times. He had a big beard. There we go now we're getting to it. Are you saying that like you know with a sort of a tiny turn of the dial the the lumbar sexual phase of about sort of eight or nine years ago could have been the the unibomber sexual face yeah yeah it was

all but by name anyway let's all just agree that Uniclom is a great nickname it's quite a good name it's a good name for someone who dresses a of a Uniclomer. You could go like that, yeah. You can and you did. In like the Devil Wears Prada world where it's like, you know, waspish fashion people, then they'd be like, they'd love that shit. Unibomber chic. And phrases like Uniclomer.

Do you think, have you seen The Devil's Prada? There's never a bit where they do a spree in- I never have. I never have and I never will. You're there, you're there showing up to the musical in your long coat going, I'm gonna enjoy this. The scene where they do a trolley dash in H&M. Yes, please sign me up.

The devil is the devil wears Uniqlo, the Unabomber musical as written by Tom Perry with songs by Frankie Valley in the four seasons. Yeah, anyway, so so I so, so, so, so Charlie, Charlie sent me the coat. I brought a friend along so I could have not just the mirror. But also turned this buying a winter coat into like as a half a dozen people involved now.

Yeah, it's a team. I've got a team. I've got a team around me. Well, yeah, someone I was working with the day I said, I said, look, I've got to go to Unico. Will you help me try on a coat? Um, it wasn't Clarkie was it? This isn't a back to the future. The musical thing all over again. I was like, look, it was telling it to Clarkie. I reckon I've got an idea for the color of it. I'm the right man for the job.

Anyway, found the coat from the website, tried it on, loved it. It was, it was 20 quid more expensive in the shop. No, I was like paying for the privilege of paying for the privilege of being in the shop. So I said, right, well, I'll just go and buy online. And my friend said, No, no, if you go up and show them the website, they will have to sell it to you for the price. And I was like, from my time working in retail, I know that anytime anybody, a customer uses the phrase, no, you have to sell it to me for this price.

They are, I mean, we know the customer is always right, but apart from in this instance, when the customer is always wrong, it used to happen all the time when I was working in the video shop or MVC or whatever, if you mislabeled something, they'd be like, no, no trade descriptions act. They always say trade descriptions. You've got to send it to me for this price. And you say, no, what you've got to do is you've got to take it off the shelf for 24 hours repricing and put it back out. That's what we've got to do that. No trade descriptions act. And you're like, what does it mean? Traders? You've got to say it to me.

Manifesto. The Uniclomer. I wish I'd had the unit on with me. I wish I had. So anyway, like a goon, I approached the counter and thought, I'm going to chance my arm just because I'm here. I'm holding the coat. I could wear this coat home. It's a cold day. I could be wearing this coat. Was that your opening gambit? It's a bit desperate. I could wear this coat home.

The trade description. Please trade description. I could wear this coat at home, not if you don't pay the money. Please, please treat this. So I said, oh, look, can I buy this for the price that it is on the website? And he said, let me have a look at the price on the website. And then he scanned the coat. He was like, no, no, this is this is you can't buy it for that price. And I was like, right. And I thought, I'm just going to like, I'm just going to dig my heels in and try and

be one of those customers. I'm just trying to kind of carry it up a little bit and and and say like, yeah, well listen, I think it's you know, I think I think it's my right, you know, this is it's the same company, isn't it? Like this guy, I didn't go quite like it's my right, but I was like trying to do that. So I really think, look, it is for sale here at this price and and this and and he eventually went, no, no, I can't sell it to you for this price because there's two different coats. So I was arguing for these two different items. There's another coat on here.

Yeah. And then if you can see this coat that you're holding up that you've just tried on is from the children's section. No, it was just, I was just, so I was really, so obviously then I am. There's a pair of socks on here for £4.99. Yeah, can I not just shop my coat for that price as well? You're on a different website mate. You had to have bought the coat then. I did. Yeah, you had no option.

No option. I bought the coat. And also then. Yeah, I bought the coat. And also then they said, oh, but if you join, if you join sign up for our app, you can get £10 off, which sort of softened it slightly. So then I spent ages using their Wi-Fi to sign up for their app. And it was humiliating. But I've got a coat now. So it's all right. But it was so like I really thought this is going to be one of those times

where I could become one of these people who like, you know, who Martin Lewis is life, you know, but no, this isn't doing that. May Martin Lewis, but that's the kind of thing. He's just looking at it. I just like finding good deals. He's not marching into shops going, actually, actually, mate, if you look at this, you're on team, a mate get out. Yeah. Anyway, your coat that you purchased. Yes. What was it?

A departure for you in terms of previous coat? Have you, have you branched out? Have you gone for it? Have you played it safe? That's like that's an interesting question. What was going through your what? Yeah, what's gone? You know, what's that process been? It is it's it's it's thicker than any coat I've ever owned before. Is it? Yeah Is it like puffer? Is it like a big puffer jacket? It's not quite puffer, it's a parka. It's a parka. But not with the furry collar, not like the full kind of furry collared parka.

But it's a thick, long parka with a hood. So yeah. Okay. Yeah. This is the thing, because after all of this big discussion with winter coats and there being such a big decision, normally when you do finally get a coat, you're like, oh yeah, that's just a coat. Yeah, no one, literally no one would notice.

They're like unmuted colours. They're just like a big brown colour. Pick brown coats. They're all like a big brown colour. Pig brown coat. They're all brown. Yeah. Yeah. No, I haven't gone for like a kind of, like a sort of a Joe Lysett affair. I haven't done that kind of thing.

I haven't sort of got a sort of big fake fur. Well, Joe Lysett would have taken the task about the website. This is what I needed. If your friend had been Joe Lysett, then you'd have put the wrong person there. Or in fact, maybe you just walked into a Joe Lyset prank. The thing about being friends with Joe is you just have to say, look, don't make me get that guy over.

And they'd be like, oh, sorry, sorry. I'll put it through now. I'll put it through now. That's what you need. You need that. Do you know what we call that guy? The Uniclomer. Do you think it's the kind of coat

that if you're wearing, someone's going to go nice coat or that's a nice coat? I hope not because we've got this, we've got this, this, this thing, Tom Crane, right? Tom Crane, if he ever sees somebody who's wearing clothing that he doesn't like, he panics. Right. Right. If I walk in and he goes, Oh, those are nice jeans. I mean, I've got to throw the jeans away because he can't. I thought that the last time I saw him, he was like, I really like that top. No, he hates it. He can't do it. So what I don't want is anyone ever telling me, oh, that's a nice winter. Like I sort of know the rest of the wardrobe.

I'm sort of fine around. I know what suits me and what I can wear. And it's basically like jumpers and jeans. And that's fine. I can handle that. But the coat is too much. I don't want a coat where you notice it. I don't want someone to go like, oh, you're really into the Libertines then.

Or, you know, or do you do battle reenactment? Or, you know, she's like. Did you get Oasis tickets? Did you get, well. You should be prepared for that. It is a Parker, but it's not one, it doesn't read Parker, you know, it isn't giving Parker, it's just,

that's what it's called on the website and not in the shop. Can we have a picture of you wearing this coat to accompany this episode? Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Is there a way of is there a way of not revealing it until the end for the listener? Like can it crop up? Can we send it as like a scratch card? Photo because otherwise it's a real spoiler, isn't it? Tom, I don't know. We've been doing this podcast for a while. It's an audio podcast, right?

Yeah. How are you imagining it pops up on me now? Surely there's the technology now that you're listening to an audio podcast and then when I go like, now, and if you look down on the device you're listening to, it'll now be showing you the coat. We've almost got there is a place I technology.

I think you know what? I think there might be. I think there might be. But I don't know how to do it, but we'd have to speak to Emma as to. But you know what that feels like? I don't know. That feels I was going to feel that the next step, but actually it feels weird. It looks strange backwards step in technology.

And then eventually those pictures could move. Yeah, everybody's filming their podcast apart from us. And it's like, and we're working out a way to create a small one frame slideshow as a sort of little M. Night Shyamalan twist at the end. When I'm, when I'm with Rubin slash Goldsmith in 20 years time, I'm just going to fade upon Crosby for that bit. That feels like the next step. Fade out, fade out, fade out.

And it was. And that's when I found the next step. I've enjoyed this. Brought back a lot of memories. Do you want a few more bits just for your episode or I can go... Yeah, it's a better system than the fourth season system we've got. I reckon, yeah.

That's good for me. Clarky, can you give me an I Agree, actually? I agree, actually. Great stuff that's going in. That's all you need, isn't it? We need to see the coat basically. Okay. So does this mean, is Tom Crane like some kind of, is he your, and again, I've never

seen the film, is he the Devil Wears Prada character in your life? Which character? I'm going to shock you, it's got lots of characters in it. Well, the Devil's in it, we know that. Are you talking about the Anna Wintour based character? The one that Al Pacino plays? It's like the Al Pacino character. What are you wearing those for?

Reference to the Devil's Advocate. The Devil's Advocate. Where's Prada? What are you wearing those for? Get out of man. I think if I was going to, if I was going to wear something I cared about, I wouldn't this is it. I'll see if I can get this thought straight. If I was going to wear something I really cared about, I wouldn't worry too much if

Tom Crane liked it. But if I was going to wear something I didn't care about that I had to wear all the time, like a winter coat, I'd want to wear the least like the most innocuous coat. Yeah. Yeah. I think we I think we feel. That's what I want. I think we feel quite similar about like, I've gone on record in the past,

say if I get more than two compliments on something new that I'm wearing, I will stop wearing it. Cause I don't want, it means it's doing too much. It means it's distracting from all the fun stuff you're saying. Exactly. That's why I'm very,

you've got to turn the fader down on that top. That's why, you know, my lifestyle is, you know, just big beard, hat, cabin in the woods, just strip it all back to what matters. Yeah, yeah, just double bowed shotgun. Because it's my ideas, it's my ideas that need to get across. It's the manifesto. Absolutely. It's your anonymous post on H&N.

That's what people need to see rather than, rather than the clothes you're wearing. In your case, the clothes don't make it the man, the weird alt-right beliefs do. I'm not fading that up. Yeah, I was gonna say, we absolutely can't end the episode there. That cannot be the end of the episode. Oh, I was so, I was so hoping that was the end there.

You know what? What I saw there was I saw Clarkett lean back of the episode. Oh, I was so, I was so hoping that was the end. You know what? What I saw there was I saw Clarket lean back with the microphone and go, well, I'm not going to say anything here because they've absolutely, they both hung themselves. Hey, I nearly said Abu H and Amsel earlier on and I didn't. Oh my God. Let's just be grateful that didn't happen. We're not still recording are we?

Yeah. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee e Merry Christmas everybody! I feel so festive after that. So festive. That Unibomber chat's really got me looking for Christmas. The other bearded Christmas figure. For many people. If we'd have known. My stocking's ticking.

What's going on? By the way, have you arranged for your kids to go to the Unibomber's Grotto yet, Tom? Because it gets booked up so early. Gotta find it first. The Unibomber Cabin UK is a real treat, real treat. Well, anyway, we hope you're starting to feel festive after that. Anyway, we hope you're starting to feel festive after that. Your coat had better be bright red and with white fur.

Oh, should I go and put it on now? Should I go? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let's see it. And get it on. All right. Okay. Okay.

Here we go. Should we go, Clarky? Right. We've just got to say that we really like his coat and then he... Yeah, I'm concerned it's going to be a bit much. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Is it too small?

That's my one worry. It feels like I can't move my arms. It's a little... Listen here, Crosby has entered wearing a child's coat it's a good bit of business we can confirm it's a lovely bit of visual business yeah and you will be able to see that because it will pop up on your phone at exactly the right time oh great no yeah that's perfect that's fine yeah yeah there you go at ease everyone it's just a it a black coat. It's exactly what you need. It's just a black coat guys.

Yeah, no, that's a relief. I was expecting it to be going down to your ankles. I thought you were going to be Kevin and Perrying it. No, no, no, no. I thought you'd gone large. No, no, I've gone extra small. That's what I've gone for. It's great.

That's the other thing about Uniqlo, nice small sizes. This episode, by the way, is brought to you to pay partnership with the Uniqlo themselves. The wonderful Uniqlo. Get yourself down and use the code. Right. Here's the thing. If you go and use the code Pappies at the till. Just insist, man. It'll work. Yeah. You say you show them the price on the website. You show them the price in the shop. Yeah. Give me two different items as well. Show them any price on the website. As Perry said, pair of socks. You do the secret listener single.

Do the secret listener single as band aid. Then you say the password. Tonight, thank God it's me buying this coat. And then and then you argue them, you say, listen, no, I've got the code, Papi'sies. Everything is discounted price here. And it would definitely, definitely work. Tell us how you get on. And thanks very much to you.

Thanks to you. Play them this full episode. Yeah, they'll give you the shop if you do that. Please, just take anything you want, Lee. But just get out. Today's episode, the sleigh bells in this episode were provided by Emma Caution. Caution team! Cheers everyone! Bye!