Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (one fat, one short, one leans) S12E15

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. Nail your socks to the wall, or gun nun will get you... or go live on a farmNEXT LIVE SHOW7th June @ The Phoenix with Helen Bauer and Nina Conti! https://t.co/7WJQpfc9mePappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, Mr. Deer, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. I'm Matthew and welcome to another episode of Papi's Flat Share House Meeting. House Meeting! Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow at home listener, but Tom did all of that with his own mouth. Yeah, he really is the Michael Winslow of Papis. That's really impressive. Speaking of which, Clarky, a lot of love for your Arab strap tributes. Oh, amazing. At the end of the episode, which I would have been incredibly impressed by, and I not

listened to the episode, and realized you didn't do it. Did you know this? Parry. You know when we asked him to do an Arab strap bit of music, I was listening to the episode and he comes on at the end and goes, oh listen I'm busy, I've got a lot of my play, but if you could just send in messages saying, how good it was. Clark, you scoundrel.

I'm old, I didn't think we'd, I didn't think we'd be able to do it. It's good to do it. They do that at the NFL draft, like they send out playbooks to potential quarterbacks, and so I like learn the playbook before you come in for an interview. Yeah.

And in the playbook, they put $100 towards the end. It's teach them two things. Either one, they haven't read to the back or be, they find the $100 and the ones that they really want come in and say, by the way, someone to put $100 in, there must have been a mistake here, you go.

Oh, wow! So it's got like a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory element. It either means, they didn't read the playbook or they read the playbook and kept it. And if it's either of those things, they don't want that QB. That is an amazing fact, that's great. It's a bit like, you know,

the old story of the Brown M&Ms, you know, the M&Ms, you know, all the Brown M&Ms taken out. And I think it was Van Halen had that as their rider and everyone saw it as like this is just crazy, you know, this is rock star access, this is you know, this is them just wanting demands, but actually the reason was they were like if they went into the dress room and saw the M&Ms, it meant that they had checked every single detail of their test band. No, no, no, no, no, you've got that wrong, crossby.

They sent at a book with one brain M&M. Oh, that's right. no, you've got that wrong crossbeam. They sent it a book with one brain M&M. Oh, that's right. Yes, that's right. And if the person at the brain M&M, they'd be like, oh, that guy's gonna like us now. You know, because they gave them a chocolate. Get a little chocolate.

I think, a little chocolate. Now I think about it, that was actually the story. Yeah. Okay, okay. So, have we got some business to announce? Well, we do. We do. We do don't weigh seventh of June, day after clock is birthday.

That's right. That's right, Megan. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. No, BCAD. I know. I know. AD, I'm like that old. The day after clock is birthday.

Yeah. So the seventh of June, we're doing a flat-sheast slam down in London at the Phoenix. Now, I'm going to tell you now, folks, that is the only flat-sheast slam down of the summer. We're going to be doing any of the festivals, clarkies off on a on a on a jaunt on a very a very long trip to the other side of the world. So that's the only one we're going to be doing. So, if you want to see us doing a flat-chest land down, this side of the summer basically, then you should go to that one. It's at the Phoenix on the seventh,

and we have two amazing guests. I'm so excited about it already. That's why we put it on sale early doors, so everyone gets a chance to buy a ticket. It's Helen Bauer, who is just wonderful. You have heard her on Beef Brothers Cold Cuts, which you recorded during the pandemic. She's brilliant. Nina Conti, who we've never had on as a guest before, but it's been a friend of ours for

years and years and years. Wonderful. Both brilliant standards, both brilliant comedians, both brilliant people. You don't want to miss it, guys. So there's a ticket, ticket link in the show notes, all go to Eventbriteevemtbrite.co.uk and search for Pappy's Flakshare slam down and yeah find your tickets there and of course if you're a Patreon if you're a Patreon member Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flakshare you get a whopping two quid off the ticket price. So there's a link on the Patreon for a

two quid off the ticket price and any level Patreon gets that so well worth signing up today Great we'll get into the house meeting. We'll tell you more about the patient on the other side enjoy I've had a thought I've got an issue. I've got a question. I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want a chat Okay, let's sit down and to the fact What temperature should we set the heat? Why on earth am I always weak? Who went my bed while I was sleeping? What's the point? Does life have a meaner? I mean, I've got a question that could start things off, but it might be a bit bleak, but it didn't feel bleak at the time. Well, I tell you what, Tom, pop it out the old gob. Let us pop it into our ear canals, and we'll tell you.

We'll, you know, clocking out very happy to be the judge, jury, and indeed executioner, if that's not already too bleak. Actually, that's quite a leading please. Actually that's quite a leading comment. Is that a proposer? It brings me straight to my point. Was I mean it proposer? It's about Pierre Pond. Was he a good man? Really when you drill down. That's not how he got rid of them is is it? Yeah. It was... Pierre Pomp was the Drilla Killer. Oh my god. Oh my god, that twist come at the end of first.

Drilla Killer, lovey. Drilla Killer really dominated my psyche as a child. Once you heard the title. Yes. Because your dad owns a drill. And also your dad's in prison for murder. The two things just fit together, don't they? No, but like, as a young kid, like, guns are toys, right?

Oh yeah, yeah. You play with guns. You don't play with drills, and drills like one of the scary, it's one of the scariest things in your house. Did you not have a little, like, a little kit, a little toolkit as a kid? Yeah, I did. But I mean, I did, but I didn't have a drill.

I did not have a drill on it. The little drill that you press a button and it will go round. I was very rudimentary. Mine was screw drivers, wooden, screw drivers and hammers and pegs. It's the flyer. That's not good. We didn't get to the, I didn't, well, to be fair though, I didn't get booked for many heavy jobs, John and me didn't, well, to be fair though, I didn't get booked for many heavy jobs,

John and me. Right, yeah, yeah. I wasn't really turned up at Bill's house going, oh, shit, if I only had invested in a drill. It was like the IY, it was very like. I was doing the like stuff, John and me. I was pretending to fix a sock to a wall. But,

I, that's one, the two things that you can't have enough of in a room are socks and sockets. That's what I always say. Check for the number of socks attached to the wall. Check for the number of sockets. Well, you know, we grew up in the, you know, it was during the 90s.

I saw the nail socks to walls at least 14 times during changing rooms. That was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was absolutely a carol smiley special, wasn't it? Yeah. This wall's looking a little bit bare. We know you, you, you love socks. You said, yeah, yeah. We know you, you know, you love socks, yeah. Um, but the, uh, it, it, it, it, honestly, it will feel like it's Christmas every day. A very small version of Christmas, but like, you know, big. Do you think if it went to a public vote, the sock would be, like, would finish pretty top in the nation's hearts when it comes to items of clothing?

You know what, I think people wouldn't even think about it. I think- I- I took my money on socks, I think. Do you think so? I think it would be close to a pointless answer if you said name and item of clothing. I think people see socks as a... No, because you love... Like what's your favorite? Yeah, but even favorite thing, like...

I guess so. Do you know, I don't think people would. I think they're, yeah, I think that... I think you're right in terms of... They're very, they're very important piece of... Okay, maybe I've rephrased the poll, so it just says, who doesn't like like socks and it's not a question. It's a rhetorical question. It's just, it's just socks and that's it and I just post that three people's doors and then there's no

one consent result and I'm well I mean now it's a their walls mate. I guess my point is I think we're a nation of sock lovers, but I don't want to test it on and now that you've said that, I don't want to put a question on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, noticed it, but I noticed it, and it really stuck with me. And it was all I could do to concentrate on what you were saying.

You're very interesting thing about posting socks to people's letterboxes. I was just... I was mentally killing myself as well as doing drama. I was mentally getting myself into a big sock, tying the sock, putting some rocks in it and throwing myself into the river. That's what I was doing. It's very small but big. I think you've confused socks with sacks there. Whenever you say something you regret, just resting the knowledge that I'm not really listening. No, I know. That's it. But somewhere down the line, somewhere down the line, a listener will send me a message, it's just

a very small but big and I want to kill myself. I want to beat myself to death with my own phone. So, you just, you phoned in a sock. I put my phone in a sock and there's it, and prisoned me myself. Yeah. Yeah. If it was, if it was the scene of the star is born, we'd see Crosby going to these garage and plugging in his drill. Is he making a phone call in there? But the reason, the reason, the reason, the killer, right, was such a big deal, I think. It was because we grew up in the era, and again, we've never done an episode that's in some way sort of age, it's placed us in, in time, in amber. But we grew up in the era of the video nasty, and that was always cited, you know, because the two that I always think of,

when I think of video nasties, with a clockwork orange, everyone's obsessed with seeing a clockwork orange and Drilla Killer. And... So have you seen it? I've seen them both, yeah, yeah. And the thing, what you,

what you realize is, if you're a little kid and you hear this list of video nasties, there's nothing scary about a piece of fruit that's got mechanics inside it. I mean, it would hurt your teeth maybe. Yeah, exactly. So much of your nan would get you for Christmas. It's not a million miles away from like a Faberierge egg or something, you know, you can imagine in the, how rich is your nan? It's what you're doing, Christmas. No, but you know, it's the sort of thing that you know, you can imagine people in there, in their sort of display cabinets would have an orange that opened up

and inside was later clockwork. It's that kind of world. If you can't afford a Faber-Shayeg, you get a clockwork orange. But, but Drilla Killer. That was the films, log line, wasn't it? This summer, if you can afford a Faber-Shayeg. You'll get it. This summer, if you can afford a feather's she egg.

You'll get a ball but big. That can't go. Tom, that mind was obviously lost on the listness, but Tom did mind holding his eyes open like they're doing a clockwork orange. I see you. But yeah, so, so, Drilla killer though, you can immediately get well this is going to be bad stuff. Yeah, and also but I don't think I've seen the trailer, I don't think I've ever seen the poster. You don't have to. No, and it's like, and when you do see it,

it's fucking dull. It's boring. It's not even that gory. It's just nihilistic, I guess. It's like an able, it's an able for error movie. He's in it. He plays the Drillicula and he gets himself, I think it might even, my memory is itself. He's a terrible killer. It's a really short film. It's actually just a deal. I have to do a wall. He's put in a sock on the wall. He puts his through his hand. He's stuck there. He starts the death. But am I available for a room? I'm available for a rush right now.

He's starting to have this garbage. Yeah, I'm not. Get out of this Terry's kitchen. Mechanical orange. So. So. Yeah, that this Terry's Kitch mechanical Orange So Terry So I'll start saying you feel like Terry's stump or something

Never know, I thought it stopped Can you think of any Terry's there? Terry's Terry's It's tremptown He's trying to be a Terry Just said Terry, you know what Tom? I liked it

A small amount. And a big amount. It's really ringing true though. But actually it's Manu Keshra, it's more but big. It works for me. Do you think Drillikiller was a film that started with the title because it's a great title. Absolutely. And it rhymes.

And there's not many other things that you could do like knife wife Gunnone because that would be right The gun toting woman of the cloth I Mean gunnone is a great title That's a bit some habits are hard to break Harry, you just, this is it now. This is gun none. You should get in touch with Abel. You thought it could work

and he'd just come up with two of the best film ideas there. My five and gun one. In terms of exploitation movies, who's not watching those? You would see that in a sort of like trilogy? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because you know what, there's no no reason you don't have to get permission to do a sequel to a movie. Is that true? I said that with that.

I'll do it. I mean, because they brought out that Titanic 2, didn't they? Do you remember they brought out Titanic 2? If you ever watch the trailer, it's very funny. It's not meant to be, but it's literally like, that it's set in the modern day, and they rebuild the Titanic to like, the same specifications, but they're like, it's not gonna happen again. And then it does.

That's what I'm like. It's happening again. It's literally that thing of like, but it really will be like what's happened. What's happening? Well, you'd think now icebergberg's a smaller, you know? Surely they're pose less of a threat. But I was gonna say, I think if Mary serves,

that it starts with him seeing an advert for a belt that has a battery in it, Drilla Killer. Titanic II. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Going back to, going back. And he decides to rebuild the Titanic. I've seen that, aren't you? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, But he's making the porn trilogy. Actually, that's taking place with my films as well. I think I'm not talking about it. I think I'm not going to work.

Yeah. So, yeah, so, Drilla Killer, I think he's either watching an advert on the tele or he sees an advert in the newspaper that says like, oh, if you want a belt that has a battery pack in it, you can drill anywhere. And then that starts him off. So he goes to like a hard one. So it starts with him, he was up up until that point. He's been trying to do it, but he just hasn't been able to find like the right stretch.

It's a cool one. Just go trying to get people. Oh, fuck. It's a really cool reel. Yeah. Like you say, you can't have enough sockets. He's chasing someone trying to find another socket. He's running down the street, plugs in for a minute drills for a minute.

And we're going to be able to do it. Yeah. So, you can't do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just come into this really small room. Like you say, you can't have enough sockets. He's chasing someone trying to find another socket. He's running down the street, plugs in for a bit, drills for a bit, and plugs it, runs a bit further, plugs in for a bit, drills for a bit. Plugs into one of those ones on the train, gets told off.

But yeah, so that's how it's done. I mean, I've not been very boring, very mundane. And actually, I don't think that, it's not like I assumed it would be really insanely gory. But I think the title was both, it's great selling point and also the reason it got banned. Did that have like, that's 70, like, you know, all 70's horrors, they've got like really weird looking blood.

I think it's black on white. It's on white so you don't even have the you don't even have the lured yeah Brad Pitt as the blood You know gun none featuring Brad Pitt as the blood every time so many dice you've watched it He comes out looking loose. He's six pack out smoking a cigarette on a roof Anastas and anastas playing the nun it's a it's a reunion I'm up for that everyone wants to see it we want to see them back together again oh my god we're in front of it playing the blood

I've said it once before but it bears a repeat I think you know you don't have guns round the house whereas your dad has a drill. That was the point. I wasn't trying to make my heart go, I was at that point. It's a great point. It's true.

The thing that my dad had, did I most wish, I thought I'd have had by now, is a black and deck of work, mate, which did you all have one of those that was like, the fault, a false built into it and it had legs. When you stood on it, it felt like you were on the bridge of the enterprise. It could have been like from a playing point of view. Why were you standing on it?

It has like a step. Oh, right. I didn't know that. You fold out the legs. You can fold out the legs and then like step up onto it and then it's like, oh, I see. I don't think my dad did have one of those though. So it's like almost like a lectin, a little step up. No, I got, that's how it felt to me. Neither of you can back that up maybe, I just thought it had a step. Because also, here's a question for you back.

You definitely have legs that extended out. I can imagine how I'm sure it, how it would have to have legs if it's sort of like a table. But Tom, I'm gonna have to ask you a question. Why do they put a step on it rather than just make the legs a little bit shorter? I was thinking that. I'm not, I'm not denying that it's that bad.

I'm not denying that it's that bad. I'm not denying that it's that bad. Sorry, have a cross it's that ladder. I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder.

Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder.

Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it's that ladder. Sorry, I'm not denying that it a step ladder. That's what I meant to say sorry. Yeah, the step ladder. Was it your real dad? I thought your story was your stepdad had a ladder. This is stories getting very confused here. Oh Me step dad add a ladder

It feels like I'd be a great old cocky single. I think it's yeah that's got like a Lonnie Donner gun skiffle song written all over it Hasn't it so you'd like for us to get it in for your revision? Believe so yeah, certainly this year. I'd say so, sorry Tom, sorry there. World Cup anthem. That's got a lot of... I love it. My dad's got us.

Jalado, what the fuck sure has got. You sing it on the terraces, it really psychs out the other teams, you know. That's how the South of Lano is. Yeah, anyway, there'd be something in it, wouldn't there? It's like, there's that dead, lannos, lannos, lannos, lannos, lannos. I chuckle. I chuckle.

I chuckle. It's like, I'm featured, I think. Well, I've got bad news for you Tom. Let's know, no, no. Okay, we'll get the chuckle brothers to do it. Where does it end? Surely a little larger interest. Come on guys something really small but really big That's what you call them is smaller big

Any who that's actually us isn't it it? Small, like, high butt and big. Small, high butt and big, like, like, like, the whole book. What's the name of the three guys from Fantastic Mr Fox? Bones and Bunsen Bean? Boris and Bunsen Bean. Is it Boris? One short, one fat, one mean.

Yeah. I was at one of the mean, I thought he was lean. Oh yeah, you know you're right, yeah. They're all nasty, aren't they? I think they're all, yeah. It's not one guy's, he's the ring leader, the other two are just too afraid to say anything to him. I just wonder what it's supposed to be.

I'm probably made. Sure, fat and lean. Yeah. Clarke, you're gonna have to start doing some more. I have to talk again. some more. What, talking. That's fair enough, actually. Come on, mate. Clarkie, you can have to start joining at some point.

I was going to say, you're going to need to start fasting because as the... Unfortunately, we've got two bounces in a bean. It's like, it's like, hello, you're the one who most is outside of the casting remit for the one that they're gonna have to feel if we're gonna get these parts. Cross me, it's doing this bit and I'm doing mine.

Oh, I just don't know if I can. It's not that you're not, it's just that you're not lean, like it's not that you're fat. I mean, it's just that you're not lean. Don're fat. I mean, it's just that you're not lean. Don't you worry about it. I mean, I have a bit. No, you're listening.

We're not fat. Not lean. No, no, we're not. Listen, we're not here to shoot. You think we could get away with it just with clarky leaning. So we could say one short, one fat, one leans, one short, one fat, one on an incline. And it's that in pro game. Is it?

Can it be that whenever we're committing our crimes, Clarke is always at the same angle of the dudes in the smooth criminal video. Is that? Yeah. He's got those. He's got the, by the way, how? How, yeah. Upset for you when you found out they, their shoes were nailed to the ground.

More to fight. Hang on. I thought they had a pole up their back. Some of them were a little uptight, but you know, they seemed chilled out once they heard the groovy music. But yeah, in order to get the dance, I thought it was that they had had very shocked expressions on their face. I was, are you thinking of lad the impalertop? Are you thinking of the little Yoda that sits on a floating thing outside the London eye? Does that be moving to position? Yeah, so they they they they'd have a nail in the ground and a slot in their shoe, the heel of their shoe. And they would and a slot in their shoe. They're here to their shoe.

And they would just like a bike, like a bike shoe. Yeah. So I'm gonna drill, killed a nail into the ground and they slot in and they leave. Just look for the sock, that's your mark. Imagine me singing it on stage. Yeah. Imagine you're at the web, the leg of the tour.

It's all though. You're getting to position, you're like, oh God, I'm missed the slot. You just have to go and try and style it out. What you have to do. Or you just face flat. No, you have to put your hand on the back of the person in front of you. I just lean into his ear, go, sorry mate. I missed the bit. I can't get my cup no you're twice and I forgot my emergency pole oh man if I

have known that time they've done it we could have in corporate down to one of my show. That's hot. That's hot. Tom, Tom. The whole time, Tom. Tom was like, I'll be so good if we can finish this sketch by doing it. I swear, I swear, I swear, that's for the bow at the end. You're going to do it. You're going to do it in your next stand-up show.

You've got to, at the start of the the and put a glass of water on a table up to the far side of the table and and make a comment about how far away it is from the mic stand as you're walking back and I'll do you set this place up and say I'm never going to be able to reach that one, so this mic stand and then you do the entire show at the end of it you go and then you're like, good night everybody, you lean forwards, you grab the drink, you chin it, you put the glass back, you lean back and you walk off stage. That by the way, honestly, you know, I know you got the newcomer nomination, that's going to take you to the main prize. There's no way that the judges can see that go bloody hell this guy's this guy's stepped up on the right.

You could write like anything, like you could write the worst show ever written. If you had that the end, stomach ovation. Yeah, exactly. You know what? People would say, you've got to stick around for the, you know, like, you may not love the show. I wouldn't say it as a twist, so much as a lean. But it's worth sticking around to the end of the show

because this guy does something amazing. I'd call the show one big lean at the end. LAUGHTER Are you before me? You're before me in the middle of the time. One big lean at the end. I fucking love it. LAUGHTER

Er, I reckon I'd give it to the third preview, till the souls of my shoes give out, and I just collapse, back way out off the side of the table, and leave two souls of my feet just on the stage. People are like, is this the big end of your life? You're like, what was he trying to do? Wait, it really breaks his nose every night, it's impressive. So the boy with the perfectly flat face would be the end of the...

Oh, I've seen Tom Barry. This is face of two foot wide, yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like a digestive biscuit, yeah. I mean, I've even done the show yet. Could you describe his face as small but big, yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, yeah. Walks around in deep-sea divers' boots. Yeah, I just grab his face a small but big yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah To be showing a suit of armour. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've seen the guy

I did not know that's how they do it so it's a shoe with a groove Why do I think it was a pole? I thought it was a metal pole at the back for you, well, all about since ever since. Ever since about 1988, you've thought that. The practicality of a small grooving shoe, if they're carrying the entire, they've got a lot of quite impressive dancing. It's with a pole, it's like, unless it's like an extendy pole, like you might get on a mop or something

that you have to press a button in it. Maybe it's like Darth May pole, you might get on a mop or something that you have to press the button in. Maybe it's like Darth Maul's double lightsaber, you press the button on it and it shoots out of both ends, one up the back of the neck, one down the trousers and that would work. I think it's a lot of... It's a lot of technical admin for every dancer to do at the same time, you know. Yeah, the guy who doesn't deploy for, you know, he doesn't bear thinking about.

But anyway, I think yes, absolutely. But look, for any listeners who don't know what we're talking about, go back and watch the smooth criminal video. Yeah. At least for that moment, and then don't watch the rest of it. Yeah, I say don't worry, then rest of it, I guess. Yeah, I say that way. That is the problem with the Christmas movie.

It's not the first time that moment was done, right? That was like a borrowed moment from... And it'd been done before, like... What's the truth? The mean war or something like that? I thought it was like... Is it? Is that how Fred is scared? Because Fred is, like the big move I always think about

when I think of Fred is running up the wall, you know? Oh, we had a scene when he did that. You know, he did that. Yeah, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's first came up with that idea, he was looking in the newspaper, we saw an advert for a battery pack that you can attach to a belt. He decided to put it to good, you see, a lot of people looked at that advert, but I only, you know, one bad egg took it the wrong way. There was a really bad name. There were two kinds of people in the world. Yeah, there's Fred Astaire. Fred Astaire, and Abel Ferreira. In a world full of Fred Astaire. Yeah, in a world full of dreaded killers.

And then follow it up with that. That's it. That's the tweet. You've taken the saying that when you're not tweeting. Yeah, that's how you get rid of, is it your end of conversation. No, but I say that's it. I say that's it. That's the shit after everything that I say. After every time you shoot up heroin as well, don't you? You say that's the shit. And then you lean slowly for this. It's really helped me hide my spice habit actually, the old male in the

floor trick. Well you, I think if you do know a spice habit you have to go belt and braces. It's the male in the floor and the pole at the back. Otherwise, gravity is taking its course in your house. Well you say belt and braces, what you mean is belt with battery pack and break. Right. LAUGHTER The belt with the battery pack is powering the rod that goes both up your back of your shirt and down your trouser leg.

I just love that Parry just takes a year making this contraption and then someone comes along and like, I've just put a nail in the floor. I've made this an understandable poll. I will say this though, right? Those nails in the floor, right? They've got to be hidden to avoid the trickery. That's going to cause havoc later on down the line, right? Yeah, you certainly don't want to do the show barefoot. Oh, that's good. One guy just going, do you hear that false set of harmony? It was absolutely amazing, Ben rehearsed that. I'm like, I've left my shoes at home. Quite a weird backing vocal. But if you listen closely on the Annie you're okay bit. Somebody goes, I've left my shoes at home.

Annie, I'm not okay. Nothing smooth about that criminal. Nothing smooth about the floor. So what do you mean Tom? It's going to cause havoc later on. It wasn't, you know, it wasn't about that to peel out of the room because someone else was using it for a clock in the afternoon. You know, it wasn't like a junior tap and modern class were coming in. That was a set they built for the sole purpose of shooting that video.

They probably then destroyed afterwards, you know, or they do it live though. They do it live, yeah, but also that was their set. They were just, okay, let's just, they were doing regional arts and tutorials. They were doing the reeners, where they had some control of what was on the stage. We never heard a reference do we?

Why don't you say it like that's the, that's the only say what you know. If part of the stage is a row of nails, that's all I'm saying, he's like, at some point you of the stage is a row of nails, that's all I'm saying. He's like, at some point, you're going to forget about the row of nails. And you're going to snag something on it. I think I'm approaching it from the point of view of my age in Brashoeware. I have to tell all the other acts who are following.

Just watch out that I should say there is a row of nails now in the presence besides. Also, the pleasant downstairs, there's a Roman downhill, popping through the ceiling. So many attempts, a Mexican way of drawing a show, and you're here string of people lacerating their fingertips. Yeah, it's problematic, but it will be worth it in the long run. But also listen to your hashtag save the surprise. I would say if you're using the word problematic, it's not the most problematic thing about recreate your microjacks in dance in 2022.

How's it? A called rain or hot snow? It is sleeping. How's it eating? John, me to ask my original question to see if it's a... Oh, yeah. This is like... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the train or what's the name of the train or what's the name of the train or what's the train or what's the train or what's the train or what's the name of the train or what's the train or what's the train or what's the train or what's the train or what's the train or what's the train or what's the train or what's the train or what's the train or what's the train or what's the train or what's the train way to finish the part. I don't know why I thought it was just a question that was on my mind today, basically, having visited a couple of farms. Oh, no.

Oh, dear. This goes from bad to worse. So what's, can you, I'll tell you what, can you give us a few walk us up to it? What was the catalyst? What did you see? That you thought, oh this will be a good thing to chat about on the pod. So a beautiful pastoral scene.

Yes. Blue sky, white clouds, fields for miles, and a beautiful herd of big brown cows grazing in this beautiful, luscious pasture. And there was a sign on the fence. That's the same as the mountain cat kill. Well, it said, you know, hand-reared, great tasting beef. And like know and they sold in the farm shop and bike but like

I thought fair play like that looks like a nice life so I get my question was going to be if you're an animal yeah would you rather grow upon a farm and? No The the day's gonna come down the line. Well, I'll stop you there because they don't know They're not looking at the sign going bloody. Yeah, have you seen this? His cat cows are eat Isn't it like pigs pigs aren't far off right? it. Isn't it like pigs, pigs aren't far off right? No, no, no, you're using animal farm, which is a book. The end of that wasn't pigs aren't far off reading this shit. Pigs aren't far off though, are they? They're not if you know. Not if you know.

Not if you know. The countryside pigs are never far off, but they are far off from being able to read I think This charlots where meets animal farm that you've just you know Is it just a book you've been reading and you think no, are they top five top five readers? Top five is weirdly he was going to number three That'll do big, that'll do. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to know what you mean, what do you mean, are they, aren't they top five? Top five what?

Smartist animals. Yeah, that's a good question. They're not far behind dolphins and dogs and... Who also? I'm not going to break it to you. Can't read. Dolphins don't. I don't need to have those good reads.

I'd say dolphins don't read. That was good. I would say dolphins don't read. They just know it all. They're above it. Act like they should be. They should be. They're barring a book, but they actually don't. Dolphins have got bad reading habits, basically. I'd say dolphins don't book.

Never finish it. Dolphins don't read. never finish it. I'd say Dolphins don't read and the juries are on pigs. That's where I'd leave that, I think. Sure, and then I think we can move on. Okay, sure. That's the shit. That's it, that's the tweet. That's the shit.

That's the shit. Okay, I'm saying like, I'm saying, say you know, you have an idea of it. You have a sniff of it, you know? Yeah. Which they don't. For days, they might be right. No, they don't. Would you rather be an animal on a farm, knowing you're going to get 15 good years and then

definitely go. Or would you rather be an animal in the wild knowing that any day you might be predated, but if you don't, you live in a hole. Hold on, watch, they get to know. None of you know, Steve, you know, put me brutal in places. But do you know what I mean? Like, say like you're in a, I'm just saying like that,

I don't know, I don't know, there are more options for animals now or that there is less consciousness going on. But like, if there's a two, a good, a two good caveat, I know these aren't the two options because neither these options exist. But if they did, which one would you like? So, would you rather be a, well, let's let's equate it to human life. The question of, would you rather live in a sort of violent society where anyone could potentially take your life away from you,

which is what the wild is, or would you... The purge. The purge, yes. I mean, purge. Again, I'm not saying that. That's the shit. You put it at the purge as well. Like, it's a short purge.

He's a purge, I'm not saying that. The purge. The purge as well. Like it's a short but record to purge. The purge. The purge, and one day a year. And one gets the driest purge. One day a year, the pings are related to the libraries. The purge, Tokyo drinks, the bigger the pinch. The's a purge, Tokyo rigs, the bigger, the pinch. The pinch, that's pigeons. That you can't read.

No, we can't read. We can all agree on that. Because they could, they've got access to newspapers. Oh yeah, on the train, on the train's day, pigeon got on at Charon Cross, got off at Los Luis. It was really funny. It was like, you're one step away from just being a commuter, you know. You can just copy the Metro under your wing.

But okay, so the question is, would you rather know, have a lovely life, but know when you're going to die? I think also 15 years is a long time for a cow to be bred for, not 15 years old, are they cows that are killed for beef? Are they? I don't know. But anyway still, would you like to know, live a lovely life rather than a drill? It's actually rather not drill a killer into it. I'm actually quite moved that you'd expect us to know that answer. I mean, I've just said pigs on far off reading. Listen, guys, I took a small big chance on you knowing some factual detail from the

mad question you've asked us. I'm trying to work out what the question actually is. So it's either would you like to be, or do you like wildlife? Farm life versus life in the wild, what would you take? So it like a contained, and actually, no, you know, maybe this could actually be a deeper question than we first thought. It could actually be quite profound. Okay.

Why don't you write it down and show it to a cow and see what they say. That would be my next step. I think next time you go to the several farms that you visit in a day, write down, maybe write it in, you know, don't use floured language necessarily. When I'm heading out on my old farm tour. The old farm tour that you do every weekend. Well, I tell you what, I tell you what, talking about farm lean, I was thinking cattle grids could be my friend there, couldn't they? I get a couple of hooks on the bottom of my shoes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I can't see myself bottling it being like, can pigs read? Here you go.

What? Breed. Do you breed pigs? They're just running away with these hooks on my feet. It's like getting bogged down in the mud. I thought it's not, it's only good when you're on the couch on the bridge. It's got legs like a raptor. It's going on with that boy.

LAUGHTER That is not a clever girl. LAUGHTER Can raptor...no, hang on, raptors... Raptors weren't far off reading either and they were all... You know what I mean? They're old. You know what, they were around before reading existed.

That's the only, they're only tragedy, was they lived in prehistory before there was any written word. You know, they could go. But they could presumably, you know, there was a, presumably they saw a cave drawing of some kind. Actually, no, they wouldn't, because they lived at the same time as humans. So, you know, that would be the next Jurassic World.

It isn't about them going on the rampage and ruining a theme park. It should be them all sitting down with Chris Pratt and working through a few novels. Working through a couple of rich Ottomans. Exactly. Absolutely. Get the old Thursday evening murder club going on.

Yeah, they could all have a thumb through that. Speel-big is adapting it. If you had infinite raptors and infinite books, could they read the entire list? Well, they'd lacerate the pages, wouldn't they? They wouldn't be returning. They could open doors, but they can't turn the page, especially, you know, those very thin pages of the classics. Well, I think we're on something here, Clarkie, maybe what we should have is some kind of scale that measures where we think animals are by the amount of animals in a room full of tie-proters we'd need for them to write something.

I know, I know, I know. Is it infinite with months? Yeah, also, they're not doing it because they're intelligent. They're doing it because it's like a random, it's a random thing. It's not learning to... It's probability, isn't it? It's, it's probability, isn't it? It's, it's, it's probability, mate. Oh, I didn't eat it.

That's it. That's the shit. So, it answers your question, Tom. Can I pick neither? So he answered your question, Tom. Can I pick neither? What, I guess the third option is a zoo. Okay. Which I guess is the best one.

So no, you can't. You have to pick one. And I can't pick a, I can't pick zoo. No, I can't pick zoo. I can't pick the golden, zoo's, zoo I can't use the golden zoo's a slightly more Golden ticket isn't it which is I mean the being confined but long I'm either being bred Could fight confine but long with it very small big The end anyway, but can find but long from it's Boris Bunsen been

One small but big ones confine but long But once fat but should be thin. So, I mean, I don't know, I think I have to go wild. You'd have to go wild, right? Yeah, I think, yeah, you're right. Who's picking, you know, who's picking a boring, sedate, controlled life where you know the person who's looking after you is going to murder you at the end of it. Are we all man? When we go to work for the man?

Yeah. That is it. Oh yeah. And that we... That's the tweet. How's the eating? What the worst thing you've considered eating? How's the eating?

Oh hell, I enjoyed that. Oh, well, we've all had a nice time. Oh, yeah. That really caught me off guard, I farted. Oh, no. Oh, well, I didn't enjoy that. We're finishing strong, everyone. We're finishing strong. Yeah, well, if you make it that. We're finishing strong, everyone. We're finishing strong.

Yeah. Yeah, well, hey, if you make it to the end of the podcast, you get to hear a little fart. A bit like having $100 bill. I don't think, I don't think, Clarkie, you can do that teaser after the fart's happened. Ah, yeah, I don't even say, but if you make it to the end of the podcast,

because they're listening now, they already have. Right. Yes. That's a good point. So, you could always do listen to the end of every podcast to they're listing now they already have. Right. Yes. That's a good point. So you could always do listen to the end of every podcast to hear what deception Clarke's cooked up this week. Oh, do you have a smell what I cooked up?

Can you smell what the Clarke's cooked up? If you enjoy house meeting then I would wager that you would benefit the most from joining the Patreon because if you do for four pounds a month, you get far more bonus gobbings of the three of us, looking about reading through lots of emails sent in by the listeners. It's basically a house meeting with listeners' input added and it is right up your street. Yeah, I'm going to say that right now. It's a treat.

It's really fun. We have a great time recording and they're really fun. It's a treat. It's really fun. We have a great time recording and they're really fun. They're really silly. They're really loose and we'd love you to be a part of it as well. We'd love to grow our Patreon. We have loads of lovely people who listen every single week and we love them very, very much, but we'd love you to join their ranks. And it's just, it's not expensive. It's forward every month, and it helps us keep doing this free podcast, and you also get some, we think, really genuinely brilliant bonus stuff as well.

So please, please do join. Perry, did you see the big news, by the way? I should mention this, Ronny O'Sullivan. Oh, yeah. Big Ron. He is walking on the world's Nukeifying. He walks on to a song. Do you know what song he walks on to? Someone told me this, it drops a Jupiter.

Oh, he walks on to drops of Jupiter. He does not surprise me, he's a legend and legends get that song. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. A kindred spirit. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. A kindred spirit. You're not gonna believe this. I've heard that the way Leans over the table,

he's got a couple of little nails. He's got a couple of little nails in the ground. Apparently nothing in the rules. Nothing in the rules, so you've got to do that. He's spotted a loophole. He spotted a loophole. And actually a loophole was how I thought I was doing, they were doing it for years. But a little pole spotted a loophole. He spotted a loophole. Actually, a loophole was how I thought I was doing it for years.

But a little pole on a loop, and it just comes down. A loophole. A loophole, yeah. Anyway. Anyway. Thanks for joining us. On this ice meeting, take care out there, and hopefully we'll see you soon.

This episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. I'll see you everyone. Bye!