Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Pappestry) S12E04

Episode Date: February 22, 2022

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. Novel writing is mad isn't it, so why don't we have a skirmish and put it on a rug insteadLIVE IN PERSON SHOWSTUESDAY 22nd: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/259069783697Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Greetings, Mr. Deer. I'm Tom. I bet. And I'm Matthew, and welcome to another episode of Pappy's Black Share House. House, house, me. House, me, Mr. Deer, I'm Tom. I bet. And I'm Matthew, and welcome to another episode of Pappy's Flat Share House. How's house meeting? House meeting, exactly, yes. An exciting one as well.

You can tell we're giddy because we're in the room together. That's why I thought we could all say it at the same time, but clearly I didn't communicate it out with my eyes. LAUGHTER Before we get started, just to say that there is a flat-shear slam down happening in London tonight. What? You listening to this?

Yeah, tonight. If you're listening to this on the day that comes out tonight. Tonight? Yes. I mean, if it is tonight, when they listen to it, then yes, now. Wow. But if you can get yourself to the Phoenix in Cavendish Square in Iraq's for circus, then you can see us doing flat-shear slam down with Reese James and Fatterhead El Goury tonight.

What, drop what are you doing right now? We'll stick. We'll stick a ticket link in the show notes. Top two drops of money. Two fantastic guests, though, by the way. Oh, yeah. Really, really good. It's going to be a guest.

And of course, if you're a Patreon member, Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Fakshare, you can get discounted tickets. Tickets are £7 as opposed to £9. So you can get the discounted. Guy, it's side-flogged and full price. Absolutely. You're going to have a pretty two quid. Very pretty two pounds there.

Absolutely. Patreon Tating going on. Why not? But here's the bad news guys. We're going to be clumping down on that. OK. Now we've identified it as something you can do. Payton going on why not but he's the bad news guys we're gonna be clumping down on that Now we've identified it as something you can do. Yeah, we're gonna be stumping that out now We know the loophole to sweet gonna have recent fat hair outside With with baseball bats. They're gonna we're gonna go into absolute zero tolerance

Please stop taking outside our gigs, please. If you're on the page you guys Please stop taking outside our gigs, please. Please, if you're on the Patreon. Sit your feet, we'll join the Patreon just to tout. I know. It's really getting us down, guys. It's really getting our goat. Anyway, but if you do from here, but if you've got a budding career as a ticket to join the Patreon...

I'm hanging a sec. I can't have it both ways. OK, well, aside from the tempting opportunities, you also get tons of extra content. We put out an extra podcast every week. You always get extra stuff from our live guests, from the live shows. We always have a lovely chat after each episode.

And then we stick out our own episode of, I Agguff, where we chat away. But it's a lot of fun. So get over to the Patreon and enjoy some extra content. But first, enjoy this. How's meeting? I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want a chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat.

Has meeting. Beating. What temperature should we set? The heat has been heating. Beating. Beating. Why on earth am I always weak? Has meeting.

Beating. Beating. Who went my bed while I was sleeping? There's a half a has meeting. Beating. Beating. What's the point? Does life have a meeting?

Has meeting. There's a lot of pressure on this one, isn't there? Because it's the first one of us all sitting in the same room. It feels really freaky. It does feel like, would you mind if I got my laptop out? It just looks... I'll just find a picture of the two of you and just look at that and assume... Listen to the deer, let's describe the scene.

Let's... Yeah. Let's listen to deer know what they're in for. Create a bit of theatre in the mind, Tom. Okay. Picture the scene. Let's listen and know what they're in for. Create a bit of theatre in the mind, Tom. Okay, picture the scene, a rug. Wow, you're huge. Yeah, it's going to take a long time if you've got the day but everything is moving on.

Okay, I'm waiting for you. And the fact that I'm wearing a wig is, that is my, that's when I've been able to hide over Zoom for the last few weeks. I can't believe you can see his work in from there. Here we are. We've basically cut a long story short. We're all sat around. Oh no, no, no, no. You cut it too short there.

That's too short. You've cut it too short. You see, I can't split the difference between it. Picture a larger. We're all sat around. Yeah. It's the first. I will say both of those things are true.

It's the, yeah, absolutely. There's no denying the fact there, but... Oh, I've seen it right as hard, isn't it? It's tough gig. Yeah. It's hard work trying to picture a scene for the listeners. So here's what's happening. It's the first time we've all sat together. Now, when was the last time we all sat together to record a podcast in the same room?

Well, that wasn't the live show. Not about a flat-sheast now, we'll just talk about three guys, mics, and their intellect. Three Titans. Can I go get my intellect from the car, please? Yeah, I'm going to get Mike. Mine's just a rug unfortunately. He is intellect is a rug.

Being a novelist. Well, this is no expected this. Well, I was going from the picture a rug, you know, we're all here. OK, yeah, yeah. He is mad, isn't it? Like the people, right? He is mad the people write novels. Why is it mad?

Well, just like you sit like... Also, have you ever read a novel? Because they don't say picture at the start of each... I don't know, it feels like if someone told me that was the first line of capture in the riot, I'd be like, yeah. Picture a rug. On this rug, some riot.

I guess what by the end of this book? I'm gonna of course, it may. Someone's gonna shake that rug any time now. Picture a rug? I think that's not bad. I've read worst first lines to novels. Now you're going from, it's math to people write novels too. I write novels and I've got the first line already.

And the title of the book. That was a huge leap, you may. That's actually, it's brilliant. It's actually a coffee book. It's like, you know, like a coffee table book and it's pictures of rocks. It's called picture, Tom, a rug. So you've written, what you've said is that you've not just written

the first line, you've written the entire book. It's a picture of a rug. It's a rug. Oh, you've written the entire book. It's a picture of a rug. It's a rug. Oh, you've been, oh right. My novel's a rug. I thought Clark is intellect was a rug. Well, there you go. Novel's a hard on it.

That's what we've established. Do you think, and that's ever happened to somebody where they've started out writing a novel, and at the end of it, you know that they lock the door and you just hear sort of tap tap taping away and then you know that their partner comes in He goes how's how's it been going and they just present a beautifully woven version We don't know the history of rugs. Maybe they were an early form of storytelling I think I guess if you know Well, I guess the part of the biotapestry The first rug, the first step,

the longest step, the first, and still to this day, the longest step, the first and longest rug. It's a bit like Rapister Light was the first rap song and the longest rap song, the first rug was the longest rug. The first rug is the longest. Maybe you know. The best half straight. By the way, that is one of the great things

about being in person. We could have joined on that song. But we chose not to. If we sang along with the song on Zoom, it's all off kilty, the timing is all wrong, but the option is there. Well, we could have cloned that. We'll close out with the three part harmony.

The first drug is the longest. The very tapestry does play a dominant part in one's childhood, doesn't it? I'm sorry, I was, I was, I could just see a long drip going off the end of clock, he's nose. Now that, you, you wouldn't pick that up on Z. Wouldn't pick that up on Z.

I thought, because I thought is he going to catch it before it hits the the velvet sofa and I thought there's a good chance he won't but he did. That's the that's the coffee that Clarky orders a long drip. Sun go for the flat white. Sun go for a pour over. I'll have a long drip please. And can you send it down the forehead? Straight through the nostrils. Sorry Tom, I was distracted there bit. Right, you're not the one who should be a bullet trucker. The distractor.

The old distractor fan there. Hold Jeff Goldberg's trucker. This is why I don't talk so much, because I'm normally just dripping. Clark was going straight in K. Kios theory with his face. It was more like the fucking Blair Witch Projects, what it was like. It was absolutely amazingly amount of, never seen the like of it. So you know, the spout on the coffee thing.

I'm drinking from a coffee pot. Don't drink through the spouts. Okay, anyway, sorry, sorry, parry, he must apologize not. But the Bay of Tapestry, did you spend quite a lot of time on it in your youth? I mean, on it. There's Harold, the I go the rug with the arugula inside. I don't think I'm on it. I'll look for you next time I'm there. It was like you just felt like it was going to be more important than it's proved to be.

Yeah, well that's everything you learn at school really, isn't it? Yeah, but I think bow tapestry, it seemed to keep on cropping up. Did you ever do the bear tapestry at school of your story or the school story or whatever? Did you ever do one of those? That's a great idea, I did not. Yeah, I thought, well, great. We did one for the school, which I think, if memory served, every class did it,

and contributed to the Bay of Chapatry, it went all around the hall. So the big hall where we'd have assemblies, along the wall, every class of contributed bits to the Bay of Chapatry, you got a bit of A4 paper that was your bit to do, and then they all sort of fit together and told the story of every class.

You're gonna spot where the good classes were, and where the bad classes were. It was a way of finding out which teachers were failing. Not a fire exiled to that Bayer's Appestry. It's a rudimentary off-sten inspection. They would deliver the P-45 straight until they're right. But you're right, it did seem like we were gonna, it was gonna be important. It certainly felt like we were gonna go.

Yeah. I felt like I feel like I should have been there now. I should have seen it. No, don't. I thought you wanted. I don't think. but where is it? Is it in Bayer? I'm gonna assume it's in Bayer as well.

Right, but I don't, here's the terrible thing is, I've seen it. Have you? And I can't tell you where it is. Have you hidden it? Have you stolen it? Have you Tom has crowned the bed? That's great.

Oh my God, now that's a film on watch. Someone steals the bed. Clarky, are you the old thief? Clarky is an art thief. Surely it'd be Jim Broadbent. He's always the guy who plays that sort of role. I can't believe I've been written out this early. Oh, come, what?

So, right, if you go into a casting clocky and it's you and Jim Broadbent, do you think you're getting the role? Come on man, you're a good actor, but come on, you know Broadbent. Do you think you're getting the role? Come on, man, you're a good actor, but come on, you know Broadbent. Is it for a coffee, I've heard. LAUGHTER It was a bit like how, you know, how Roger Moore

couldn't fire a gun without blinking. It was like a really big thing when he was... Hang on. Did you not know this? No? Yeah, he wasn't able to fire a gun without doing a big blink when he was firing the gun. That's Clarky's problem. He gets this big coffee contract. And it turns out that every time he sits in coffee, he's firing the gun. That's Clarky's problem. He gets this big coffee contract.

Every time he sits in coffee, he's no squirts. LAUGHTER The problem is at the moment, I'm desperate for another sip of that. Have another sip of goodness. I'm just worried where it's going to end up. Listen, have another sip. We're in a room with plenty of things that, you know, I've got some Muslims here, you could just you could dab your nose if you all want

I tell you the problem is it's there. It's that there Collected on the lid This is really strong stuff for the list Picture picture a cup everyone Well, well, I'm Picture a cup. Picture a cup. Picture a cup. The two chapter two picture a cup and theis tapestry. I got another one. The Papestry.

Papestry. That's a great show. It could be an exhibition, couldn't it? And it's all of our different Edinburgh shows. We could finally tapestry down. We could finally try and remember something. What, imagine if a tapestry won the Perrier? Yes.

The Perrier is a... Can we call the Turner Prize? The first sketch group to win a periae and a Turner prize in one fell swoop. Really? To get the LPT. Like, that E got, it's a much, you know, the E got is what is, you know,

people are always aspire to, you know. What's E got? What's E got? What's E got? E got E. It's L. It's L. That's my, that's my joke that I do when I'm in LA in a war season.

Thank you. You know, that goes down that goes down killer on the red carpet. Yeah, I'll win that. Well, the red rug picture a car pitch up the three. He's made it. So he's made it success. Has been is having subtitles on a foreign film. Cheat. Has been. Car key's going to have another sip. There you go. Have a muslinfilm cheek. As you can see. Clarky's gonna have another sip.

There you go. Have a muslin, Clarky. No worries, man. Let's not bury the story there. Let's not bury the leaves. Clarky is being to see the Bay of Tapestry. I can't remember where it is. He's caught up under his hat for a long time.

Now I think there is a replica in the UK. I think there's a... I think... Yeah, yeah. And it could be that's what I saw. I'm going to have to do it. So hang on, were you in France? I've been to France, but I can't remember.

Good God, this is like memento or something, isn't it? Check your body for tats, Clarky and see if you're... Tats. We know where the tap is. We're going to have a party for tats, Clark, and see if you're... We know where the tap is. It's not the end of a nose. Check your body for a leaky washer, I think, as we need to do. We need to do some kind of like regressive.

You know when people hypnotise, they want to take them back to their former lives, like regressive hypnotherapy. Let's give it a go. But just for my caravan. You need to go back to... You need to remember every... All of his memories are suppressed. He hasn't got PTSD, he's just suppressed, everything is ever done. I can't remember getting it.

I've always been in this room. Don't worry, I've got you on the ring doorbell, so you're fine. I can see you. So let's see, if we can, let's see if we can hit the size Clarky, because it's a Clarky. Like picture-rock. Start to visualize it now. Go back through my tapestry.

How old are you in front of this tapestry? Yeah. Is it high up? Is someone lifting you up? Is that person your father? Have you been kidnapped? Yeah. Blink if you need help.

One of the things about him, if you're firing a gun. One of the things about him, no, it's not. Oh, you brought him off. Tommy, may I have to let him get a word in that question? Sorry, sorry. The question is, Suddenly, into this role of the hit, I think you better actually,

it's not a love issue, I think it's a love issue. I think it's a love issue, I think it's a love issue. I think it's a love issue, I think it's a love issue. I think it's a love issue, I think it's a love issue. It's a love issue, I think it's a love issue. It's a love issue, I think it's a love issue. It's a love issue, I think it's a love issue.

It's a love issue, I think it's a love issue. It's a love issue, I think it's a love issue. It's a love issue, I think it's a love issue. It's a love issue, I think it's a love issue. It's a love issue, I think it's a love issue. It's a love issue, I think it's a love issue. It's a love issue, I think it's the time Broadband is Roger, okay, so how old are you? You're looking at the upper string give it a guess mate nine Nine okay, okay, he thinks he's nine so we're talking about we took about 1990 we took it out here 90 just text my mom 1990 we took it out here 90. So just text my mom just I don't ask that I know I know I know you're not

I'm not I'm trying to hypnotize me again You're a nine-year-old kid you can hear what what can you hear you're looking at the base of street What can you hear out the window can you hear cut Nigel can you hear is it well as I remember it it was in a long world emotion is it you got to hold and give and watch the Bay of Tapestry. They cut that verse out, didn't they? When John Barnes wraps the entire Bay of Tapestry. And they were like, it doesn't really fit with Italian 19.

Could you rap about Michelangelo's David instead, rather than, you know, you've got to fake retreat and then flank around the side. It's not a normal panic and then you weren't can I? I actually quite enjoying it. It's coming across. It's coming across. Suddenly like Clark any closer to hypnosis because I think we've done a lot for you

there. Okay. So who are you with? Who's next to you? I don't think we've done a lot for you there. Okay. Who are you with? Who's next to you? Yeah, are you with your family? Or on a school trip? Family.

Family, okay, okay. And so... I'm actually suppressing this memory. So you're next to your father and your mother, okay? And they're going to talk to someone who's by the tapestry. They're gonna say like, where's the gift job? It's your ballroom. Oh, hello.

Oh, hello. But then you're daddy's quite pretentious, isn't he? Yes. And then just remember now, your father says his home address, what is it? So, do you think they're talking in French to the clerk of the tapestry? I can't remember anything. The clerk's name. The clerk's name.

It was in Francois Le Clirque, wasn't it? Anyway. That's not, that's not, go down the south and move. So there's a strong chance, you're in France? Yes. It was like in a dark, long, very long room. You would have corridor. Surely it would have to be a long room. Yeah, they're not, they're not the main tapestry in the port of Gabinale.

It's not really the toilet. Behind glass or per se, down one side, quite dark. Great. The tunnel head towards the light. Is it in the tunnel from... Is it in the uritornal? Are you digging the tunnel Tunnel. You're doing the turn-off. 1989.

If you look out the window to the left, you'll see the entire biotapestry. How long is the biotapestry? Two miles. Is it the size of a blue whale? That's how you operate when you're a kid, isn't it? Yeah, number of blue whales per school playground. Of course, if you've got the details there, how do the bear tapestry is?

Well, let's have a guess. All right, yes. Let's at least text Clarke's mom to find out. LAUGHTER I'm going to say 10 meters long. You're joking, man. 10 meters long. That's too short.

I'm going to walk in the water. I'm going to walk in the of the work in the world. I'm going to be a part of the work in the world. You have been there. I'm going to say 30 meters long. I think we're talking about a lot happens in that blue way a little bit. You think about the, you know, they do the whole build up, don't they? They see bloody Haley's comet at the start. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get like a previous Dion. It's like a start. Yeah, yeah. It's like two and a half, if it was a film,

it'd be two and a half hours. Yeah. So I think you're looking at at least 30 meters. Imagine what's a two and a half hour film? A lot of films are quite long these days. What would you read? Like name one. Avatar or something, Avatar is quite long.

Imagine Avatar as a tapestry. You're OK, that's a ten meters, are you? Avatar was a tapestry for the mind,, that'd attend me, is that me? Avatar was a tapestry for the mind, wasn't it? Have the eyes. It was a weird beast, wasn't it? Well, they were quite weird beasts. A lot of tailfucking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's keeping their tails into each other and stuff. Yeah, I loved it. Actually, you loved it. Do you think, because you know the new movies, they're still in production aren't they? He's making like Avatar. I mean, how many, has he, did he bring, has he brought out any other sequels? Or are they all being, being made? Is it just the first one that's come out?

Yeah. Because he's making the rest of them all the way up to like seven or something. What? Is he really, I think he's got plans to make- He's gone logo mate, he's trapped in Avatar land. Yeah. Avatar, other word. Avatar, have a word. He'll see you got.

But I feel like, do you think there could be like niche parties where you could have sex with an Avatar person's tale? I bet that's already going on. It's already going on. Yeah. Yeah, I tell you, who'll be up for that? He's Punch Drunk Theatre Company. What?

No, when I was exactly... Firstly, I thought you were going to name one person that we know and you're going to throw them under the bus. It's a baby up for that, James A. Castley, it's a perfect... He's a tap. He's an absolute sailfucker. No, like... You know, like Punch Drunk Theatre comes to do those immersive theatre experiences. Yeah.

They do a big avatar thing. Rumor has it that they have these after parties. Everyone goes low-co and goes, all naughty on the set. True. Yeah. So the mask of the red death. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Actually, you can have that same thing. Yeah. But it's a bit like eyes wide, char. It's like they have lock-ins where everyone goes a bit spicy So what I'm looking is like an avatar avatar Avatar avatar avatar eight spicy lock-in Change camera I know you've got stuff like I know you've got seven plan we've got a great idea for the eight

one I mean yeah, how you going to finish it? That's the ultimate. How else are you going to repopulate the planet? I think the 8th, if any film sequence gets to 8, it should be the spicy lock. That's when this doctor please carry me 7 Michigan Moscai. We had faster than the furious, did that got to us?

Oh, they're on about 48. Yeah, but I mean, are they called fast and the furious? Aren't they just called now like Calvin and Hobbes? Or... I think the Hoes have spin-offs. Right, but they do spin-off a lot of it. Yeah, I love that we've gone from the Bay of Tapestry to and the fast and the furious... Well, I mean, they're obviously lead-on from each other. Fast and the furious, if someone... If listen to me, if I wanted to put it in a bit of time, we could split up the faster the furious franchise, get a listen to the deer to paint one little

picture from it, and we could do a faster than the furious tapestry straight. Like, crossby school. Why would we want that? I mean, we've not even seen one. I've not seen any of them. I've not seen one of the films. Yeah, no, we've not seen. I've been mad at people who said, what you up to at the moment not see the other. Not see one of the films. Yeah, I've been mad at people who said, what are you up to at the moment?

And they go, oh, you know, a couple of things. On the main thing I'm doing is I'm working on a biotabestry of all the, all of the, fast and the few hours of the film. Oh, you're a fun of the films. I've not seen them. No, no, no, no, no. I'm going, I'm going, what, what I think they might be. It's basically, let me tell you,

take a quick, just bring me a minimum problem for me. Hashtag, we take, we take. I've said you, take a good picture of this movie. A minimum problem for me. Hashtag, hashtag, hashtag. I've said it once before, but it bears a repeat. Hashtag. Yeah, I know this isn't one of the series, but I watched Triple X back when it came out. Yes. And I thought it was so bad.

It was extraordinary. Then I thought, I don't want any part of these kind of things. I remember, it was like 10 minutes to go before the end of the movie. And something happens, the phone rang or something, and I was like, oh great. Like it's me, the legitimate reason is to watch this.

And I just never went back to it. I've not seen the last 10 minutes. I think at the time he was like, parachuting off a car, that had gotten off a bridge. And I was like, why do you hate me? Why do you stick the two fingers up to me? It's really funny that you felt like you needed like Vin Diesel would know.

Yeah, yeah. And excuse to leave. Like, I'm sorry Vin the phone's wrong. I didn't have that a little bit. I was thinking about the other day, my last birthday. Oh yeah, I got bought a pair of running shoes. I need a new pair of running shoes, and my parents bought me a pair of completely black running shoes, and I was like, normally

the running shoes have a quite jazzy, you know, quite colorful. So I asked if they'll ask if they'd taken back and get me more colorful ones, they did. And yesterday, I was wondering where those shoes were now. I was feeling genuinely like, oh, there's poor shoes. I should've just kept them, shouldn't I? The ones I sent out. The ones you rejected. Yeah, the shoes I rejected,

because they weren't kind of funny. I was like, a genuine, I mean, obviously, I was a bit hungover. But I was also like, I was going, oh, those poor guys. I could've had two pairs of running shoes, you know, if I'd have to run to a funeral. LAUGHTER I could have had two pairs of running shoes, you know, if I'd have to run to a funeral. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER That is funny though, I feel like that would back close, like throwing out t-shirts and stuff you feel like, I don't want to put you out to pasture. Yeah, it's bad, isn't it? Get rid of stuff. I mean, I'm terrible at getting rid of stuff anyway. But... I think the only thing I feel that way about is food. Come on. Yeah.

I'm that's a real shave. I'm bad with that. Have you seen there's an advert at the moment for like a sort of weight loss app? And it's it's it shows a guy who behaves like I behave with food. Someone's like a bad steak is played when he goes, oh no, no, no, no, no, and like gets the last little bits off the plate and eats it. Have you seen this ad for? Yeah. And then it's, and I just think it's about a guy who likes eating food, you know?

I thought it was a waste not one. Or it could be like no food waste times growing. Good manners. But then at the end it goes like, you know, the reason you're like this is because something happened to you as a child. You're like, what? It's like, this is the way you're conditioned. Your conditioned, you to you as a child. You're like, what? It's like this is the way your condition, your condition, you know,

and it cuts to like him as a kid and the dad's going, oh, he's finished your play. And you go, oh my god, he's finished your play. It's a pleasure. Picture a play. Now eat it. His dad was an author. Yeah, but I think it's I yeah, I I was similarly shook by the advert. Yeah, it made me think there's nothing wrong with finishing your plate. And also you'll be the same parry. There's a lot of it. There's a lot of

there's a lot of throwing away food when you have a little kid. Because they don't eat all their food. So I spend a lot of, I do spend a lot of my afternoons standing up for a beer and eating food. Now I don't have a kid, but I do the same thing. That's just where I prepare my... ...bin cooking with Ben Clark. I've been cooking. I've been cooking. Hey everyone, I've been cooking. He disappears back into the bin like, off to the grouch.

It's just like a cheerful version of it. What have you made? I've been cooking. I've been cooking. Hey everyone, I've been cooking. And then he disappears back into the bin like, off to the grouch. I was just like a cheerful version of it. I'm going to be a funny food. I've watched that show. I watched that.

Yeah. Oh yeah. You tell me this now. Next I got no Jim Broadbent's going to be in a minute. Jim Broadbent's been cooking. Who's in Jim Broadbent's been cooking? It's a Eddie Brood. Jim Broadbent cooking inside a bin. Just cooking with any scraps that like Dame Helen Miller and throws away.

Oh, I was like yesterday. It's Judy Densch with a half-finished sandwich. Come on, Densch was wrong with you. Someone happened to you and you were a kid. I can't even turn you. She's broadband's been cooking. But now I worry again because, you know, I'm bringing up a kid. I worry that I'm not going to be the daddy's going, finish your plate, but I'm going

to be the daddy who goes, it's fine if that's all you want to eat, that's fine. No, no, no, no. It's still in full view of the kid. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no birds do. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but the opposite. She's the baby chewing the food just bitten to my mouth. How easy! Can we get this piece of Deliverton or meat? How easy! Do you want to see what the world is really like?

Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to freedom at in Lutford. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters this December 15th. So Clark, you said I'm a Ted meat.

Tom's gone 30. Okay, comfortably. Right. I think I might have even gone short there, but I'm going gonna stick with my... Okay, I am gonna guess that the Bayer tapestry is 45 meters long. Yes, that feels sensible to me. Yeah.

Because let's we forget. It felt good. What do you remember? Just obviously don't go deep dive. What do you remember about the Bay of Tapestry? It starts with a Heads up a birth. Am I still being hypnoticist? It starts with the birth. I think so, doesn't it? It starts with like one of the one of the main dudes getting born It's like a big old history. But the people didn't live very long back in those days

They lived about 28. Yeah, but they weren't like 12. It wasn't like a playground skirmish, was it? No, that's what I was called in the gray hole. Playground skirmish. Playground skirmish. Oh, skirmish is a good. Skirmish is in the playground. You wouldn't call like, if something happened in a pub,

like a fight, you wouldn't call it a skirmish like you would in a playground. I mean, it's what, yeah, I don't think I'd call anything a skirmish. Really? Yeah, I don't, I mean, a skirmish, in military terms, what is a skirmish, though? What would it involve? It's not as big as a battle, but it's bigger than just somebody going on. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know who that guy's helping me off. Yeah, it's like a village to a town. I think of it as a fight that involves more than two people. Right. That's how I would define a skirmish. Right. But I think in a military sense, it is like on the, it's like you're on the go fighting.

What's the difference between a skirmish and a bronze? You have to sit down and fight. It's like a drive through. We're going to have to be a funny fight. We're going to have to be a funny fight. Can we sit down to finish? He's too high. I'm so mad.

Just pull up a seat. We just need to need to. You have to see the sea stands for chair. I'm sorry. Just pull up a seat. We just need to need to. You have seen the sea stands for chair. Yeah, so, but anyway, I would you do not describe things happening playgrounds as there's a playground skirmish. I don't think so, but what's it? It's a skirmish in a brawl in so what's the what's the brawl

going to happen in a bar room? Do you think it's going to be a skirmish in a brawl in so what's the what's the brawl going to happen in a bar room? Do you think it's going to be a bar in brawl playground brawl? You don't think it's a I'm sure we have playground brawl back in the day. Yeah, I always think of brawlers of our Reem. Does brawl feels more serious than a skirmish? Skirmish is school is that what you'll think? Bar in brawl skirmish school. No playground skirmish, Bar and Brawl. And then a melee.

Right. Or a franca. And a melee. What are all excitable events? What about a Chaju? Where does a ding-dong come into this? Well, I mean, where does a Barney come in? The thing about it to do and a ding dong,

is they feel like they could also be positive like you go, oh, it was a fine to do. Oh no, I don't know. No, I don't think you can. I did. Oh, am I thinking of ding dong though? I think ding dong, you could say, ding dong. Ding dong.

That was a little ding dong. We were going to have a ding dong. You're actually a ding dong. Yeah, should we have a ding dong? I think, Saturday night turned into a real ding dong. Do you know what ding dong? I think is one of the most versatile phrases in the English language. Ding dong. Ding dong. When you see someone attractive. Yeah. Oh just when you see something good.

When you're describing the noise of a bell. Ding dong noise of a bell, yeah. Ding dong bell. The of course you can barely hear on high. Ding dong, barely on high, yeah. That's not, they're not talking about a big fight in heaven, are they? I don't know. That's the only good thing. That's the only good. Maybe it's bells in heaven there. I wonder if it's all merit-claptin.

Let's say. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER But, and then, and then, you can be a ding dong. If someone's a bit of a ding dong. Yes. And you can have a ding dong. You can be a ding dong if someone's a bit of a ding dong Yes, and you can have a ding dong you can have a ding dong and yeah, ding dong could be a good day It could be a fight. Yeah great phrase. Yeah, well Yes, does it does it have too much going on?

Feels like it should be a little bit. I like a for well, which one would you lose? I would lose It being I I would lose it being... I don't know, because I do like... Yeah, there we go. It's like a bit of a ding dong. I love it, yeah. Because I think ding dong, I think it's,

you know, plenty of people who you spend lots of time with, I mean, there's at least two of them in the room. Her a ding dong's, but you know, it's not like calling somebody a twat or something. It's like, it's very disarming. If someone was to take to one side and say, listen, you're being a bit of a dinghy. Yes! You've got like, oh, am I? Sorry, sorry, I had a couple of drinks. I'm getting a bit excited. And it's like, we'll just, you know, call it that in a bit.

We don't want this to end up in a fracas. What's your favourite of those? Like, they're really good fracas. Skirmish. Mele. Mele. Brawl. I see a Brawl feels serious, don't it? I think you'd get injured in a Brawl.

Yeah. Yeah, Brawl. Yeah. Skirmish is what you come at with grantees. It's quite crazy about it. Like a Brawl is like, to me, in my mind's eye, I'm imagining a rug, those pictures. A rug, a rug, a rug, a rug.

A rug, a rug, a rug. I'm suppressing it, it's me, it's me. I'm imagining like one of those like cartoon like puffs of smoke with arms and legs. Kind of puffs out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for a brawl. Yeah. A brawl that kind of, a brawl moves around a bit.

Yeah. You know, like when there's a fight that starts and it just sort of travels all around, you know, like, you know, the playground or the, or the pub, moving around the place. It's all around the Queen Vic. A brawl. That's what it would be. Yeah. A brawl's got movement to it.

A skirmish could just be a couple of, you know, a couple of people slapping each other. Skirmish, I still think that that could be military. It is, it is military, the military scirmish, but I think if you are, if you're talking about and then you're going to, if you're going more reducing scrap, scraps, a couple of people just hitting each other. Yeah. Well, I think a skirmish, you need more than two people, and I think two people can skirmish. Scrap's less serious than a fight, right?

Oh yeah, a bit of a scrap. Oh, it's nothing to be able to scrap. That a bit of a, you know, if you came home and, you know, you're under scrap, you've been fighting at school, you know, it was a bit of a scrap, it's not a big deal. That's, that's, that's. You're going to have a scrap with your brother, I think.

Yeah. But you shouldn't have a braw with your brother. What do you bet on? There's too many brothers you got. We used to play a game. When you were going to Benz, Benz, all the brother, we would play Baroon Brawl as a game. We turned his... Kind of, yeah, like we'd pretend your room was a bar room.

And then they'd arrive and like say something like and start a scrap and we'd like have this kind of So you have a little role play at the start. We'd like knocking to something. Yeah Well, you were one it used to be so we meet again So we meet again, so we meet again. That's why we put it at the start that sketch really So we meet so we meet again That was that was what my my brother used to do Yeah, and I remember the discussion being like I came so we're gonna have like this fight It's gonna like end up here and stuff. Yeah, we're gonna throw you into this mattress mattress

Then that's gonna be like it was a bar and it'd be like well, what what how's how should we start? It was like if so we meet again. So then you just got a bit of history going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the first bit of the Bay of Tapestry. Yeah. So we meet again. So we meet again.

And then they have sex and give birth to a kid. Edward the confessor looks up at Hades comments and says, so we meet again. And then there's a great mate of long skirmish, dub. And then didn't we use to finish with there are no rules in a bar room brawl. Yeah. There are no rules in a bar room brawl.

Or that would be in there, that would be in there. That always had to be said. I like the fact that even when you were being tough guys, you were still theater ponces. Yeah, yeah. There was choreography. There are no rules in a bar and brawl. And

then quite often we'd be swinging from a carapha robina as well, like it was red wine. Yeah, so you're imagining a bar and brawl like a swashbuckling type affair, rather than you won't imagine you were down in the local furkin pub. No, I think there was a bit of that and a bit of a team. A bit of a merry. Yeah, it was normally like that. I like it the A-team, that's a lot of stuff. I'll throw someone out of a graph of wine. LAUGHTER Every time there was a fight,

someone would get thrown over the bar and into the shelves of bottles. Yes, yes, yes. A car would get flipped. Someone would get thrown into that. Every episode of A, we think. I think both of those things. A car getting flipped gets flipped in the skirmish.

And someone gets thrown into the wall of glasses in a brawl. We get it somewhere here now. I think that we're actually going to fail. You're in the skirmish, and I was a car getting flipped. Yeah. I don't know. Have you never seen the fast and the skirmish? LAUGHTER

Too fast, too skirmish. LAUGHTER It's my favourite type of skirmish. Too fast too skirmish. It's my favourite type of skirmish. It's my favourite type of skirmish. It's right so 10 meters, 30 meters, 45 meters. 45 meters. Here we go. It's a caution. It's going to be like big. It's going to be like basically meters or something. I think what's coming out of this is I just saw a picture behind a bit of glass magic eye That was magic eye It wasn't a dark tunnel. I just tried to relax my eyes

Right speaking French I'm a lovely bit of a friend. I'm so really good. Listen when I said it was near 60 meters Corsham raised an eyebrow. Do you want to change your answer? Oh, you can't we can't I've seen a lot of Corsham's reaction I know that I'm way okay, so we're saying 10 10 30 45 45 but you think it could be 60. That's how they know. Corsham, tell us. So I've got one toe in the 60 count.

Corsham, tell us. LAUGHTER We know you've got one toe in the 60 count time. I gave you a chance to change it, you said no. Corsham, could you start this answer by saying picture tap as well? Picture tapestry. Yes. You're actually closer if you add all yours together.

Whoa! Whoa! It it's 70. The 70 meetings. This is why we work together. That's right together. We were right. Correct, yes. Happy, it's weird again. And where is it?

Normandy. Normandy. Of course, it's Normandy. Of course, Normandy. Have you been to Normandy? I think so. LAUGHTER OK, well, listen, your eyes are feeling heavy. We'll crack this. OK, OK, you're looking at a sign.

Does that sign say welcome to Normandy? Says, it's been cooking. The question mark. Look in the mirror. Who's looking back? Broadband. LAUGHTER End of novel.

So there's only one way to finish this off now. Barroom Brawl. We're either... We're either going to have a barroom brawl. Or we're going to sing... What was the song we were going to sing at the end? LAUGHTER The first rug is the logguit.

That's right. Well, 75 metres of beta top straight. I guess that goes to show. The first rug is the longest. And maybe you know the first rug is the longest. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. How's B.J.? What would you say to Rome? How's B.D. Probably nothing at all?

I did enjoy that house meeting. Yeah, it was good fun. Oh, lovely. Really good fun. Any A.O.B.? Well, we've got an email in. Oh, you can't say any A.O.B., can you? Any other business.

A ATM machine, isn't it? All over again. A ATM machine, isn't it? Any A.T.E.? Anything. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that.

I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that.

I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. Yeah, that's pretty good isn't it miss acronym That was my teacher by the way he came up with the idea of the bear tapestry So we've had an email in from

Allie who says high-papies. Thank you very much for the No response. Thank you very much for the excellent podcast. They make you laugh a lot as an Edinburgh resident I felt I should drop your line to confirm that the alleyways in Edinburgh do smell of piss all year round. Although this might be particularly fruity, they might be particularly fruity during the festival because of the sheer volume of pissed people wandering around after midnight. However, I don't think we residents can be blamed for pissing up the alleys as it is part of the primary school curriculum to learn about how rotten with human waste the streets of Edinburgh used to be.

As kids growing up who learned about Mary Queen of Scots, Deacon Brody, Birken Hair and the tradition of yelling, Gardi Lut, while flinging the contents of your chamber pot out of your window to splash down on the street below. The link between Edinburgh Old Town Streets and Fresh Piss is made early in our lives and stays with us forever. Anyway, thanks again and all the best for the live shows. Cheers everyone, bye! Alley! PS in Edinburgh, Alie Ways are called closest. I think most people use them to smoke in when they're not having a piss, hence the expression close

but no cigar. No. That's not true. That's not true. Of course it's not true. It makes no sense at all. No, it doesn't. At least put that in, but that isn't true. That was a lovely bit of business at the end though. That's when you could win cigars as a prize at Funfare, isn't it? Close but no cigar. Ah. So if you're trying to knock over the tin cans and you're out. With the piss.

Yeah, with your piss, of course. The bar could go close but not cigar. Ah. That's why I only know the phrase close, but here's a cigar because I'm very good at doing it. Yeah. And I'm just going to say, I'm sorry, I'm just going to say. On target and here's a cigar. The phrase for me is, well done here's a cigar.

Well done, you've won a cigar. Yeah, that's the phrase I know. Well done, you've won a cigar of course, the original lyrics to one of you by the Spice Girls. I really, really, really won to, well, don't you, for the Skars. Anyway, folks, yeah, do come along to the live show if you want to be our lovers. If you get a chance, if you want to be our lovers, yeah. You've got to get with our friends and our friends are our audience. So join the audience and then maybe try and share guess afterwards.

You know, we're the things that happen to him. And today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Although, but then I got a face she wanted to do so and everything that's happened. Cheers everyone. Bye! It's fall and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well almost, almost anything.

So no, you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup, maple lattes, and maple bourbon. Yes, we deliver those. Turtles? No, but turtles the dessert? Yes, because those are groceries, and we deliver those too, along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly.

Product availability varies by region. See you at for details.