Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Plumb Sting) S12E24

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. It's me again! Suzanne's daughter is 25(!) and needs a date and we think it'll take many handfuls of rice for us to be able to helpNEXT LIVE SHOW9th October at The Cheerful Earful festival in Balham - https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-4Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, Mr. Deer, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I'm Matthew and welcome to another episode of Pappix Flatshare House Meeting. House Meeting! This is where we chew the fat, we chuck the shit, we chew the breeze, we waffle away. We eat the shit. We want to hear three guys chewing on some shit. You've come to the right podcast guys. Well, we got a treat for you today. We certainly have a lovely chat. We had a nice time, didn't we?

What did we do that, actually? I thought it was a high quality exchange. We only run out of steam twice, and I think one of those is at the end. Yeah, but you don't say that because they'll, I know you don't listen to the podcast, but we edit out the bits we run out of steam, Tom. Oh, that doesn't just, that live streaming. I'm running out of steaming, yeah. Okay, anyone want to re-record the intro?

LAUGHTER A little drinking game for this one, when you're listening, at some point or other, Dan is going to say the word plum sting and when he says that you have to finish your drink. So look forward to that. I don't know if that's the way that drinking games work, is it? It's just one clean trigger. You just wait for an hour with your full drink, and then at some point you just tune it.

Yeah, charge your glass knowing that it's gonna be the drink, you're gonna have to finish. Don't gonna pipe in hot cup of tea. And wait, wait, wait, wait. No, I reckon it comes about halfway through, so I think it might be okay. If you make a cup of tea now, I reckon it'll be ready to drink

for the time, Clarke says the word plum sting. It'll's ready to drink for the time Clarkie says the word plomesting He ready to choose If anything is less a drinking game more a service. We're providing just to know that look Make yourself a lovely couple whatever whatever is your hot beverage of choice a coffee a tea Hot jockey make it now by the time plumesting rolls around. Oh my god It'll be exactly the temperature that you like it. Perfect temperature, yeah, exactly, that's right. Very quickly, we should talk about a couple of things.

Don't forget the cheerful, cheerful festival. You're right, Tom. I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about these bloody couple of things. Go on, man. All right, the two things I wanted to talk about with the cheerful, cheerful festival is happening in October. We're going to be there on October night.

It's in Ballum in Southeast London. So get yourself along. It's going to be two shows. The first one is Papi's Flat Share slam down with the birthday girls as guests. The second show at seven o'clock is going to be the birthday girls house party with Papi's as guests. So it's a five o'clock show and a seven o'clock show.

And you'll want to be there for both of those shows or as I. So it's a five o'clock show and a seven o'clock show and you'll want to be there for both of us. Two shows or is I'm calling it a double bill? I'm calling you the phrase. Yeah. It's a bit unfair to Angela Barnes' history podcast. We're shabbing I think about three o'clock. But you know, they didn't do the trip. Do the triple, but we're in no way affiliated with that podcast. No, no, it's a double, it's very much a double bill. It's a double. If you do, if you do them both, it's a single and a double. Yes, exactly, yeah. So, I didn't understand what that meant. So, yes, it's never a triple, as one saying.

Oh, I get it. I get it. That line at the vision. So, also as well, join the Patreon folks. Patreon.com, 4-slash, Pappy's Flat Share. We'd love to have more patrons. We do a bonus episode every single week. And we also have loads of other extra bonus episodes on top of that.

You get one every week, but you also get bonus beef with all of our guests. You get all the bonus audio from the live recordings. You can find out about our live shows early before anybody else does and get tickets to the before everyone else does. So get on board for that. It's worth,

it's, I mean, I can't say how much I think the patron is great value, but just four quit a month. If you love this podcast and you want to support it, that is the best way to do it. Oh, it really is fantastic. You get, you know, you get so much, come and join the team, it's a great community. Well, just to stress, you don't get to join the team.

You become patrons. It's not like you become one of us. You know, we don't adopt you as a podcaster. Oh! So can I cancel my subscription? You paid for the teeth of this. Yeah, no, we need that cash clarky keep it coming. Okay. Okay, well, enjoy today's episode!

Come in hey, okay, well enjoyed today's episode I've had a thought I've got an issue. I've got a question. I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want a chat Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat What temperature should we set the heat? Why on earth am I always weak past? Be 10, be 10, be 10. Who went my bed while I was sleeping? This has a house meeting. Be 10, be 10, be 10.

What's the point? Does life have a meeting? Has meeting. Right, does anyone have a star? Because I've got a star, but it's not much better. I do have one, but I don't know. I've always known this. I don't think it's a star.

Go on clock, you give it a stop. Yeah, go on clock. we never start with you. Well, here's the thing, right? I was just in the shop. Is it a thing though? No, I'm only joking, I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking.

I'm joking. I'm joking. I was fired, that'll be opportunity. That'll be genuine opportunity. Were you in a shop though? What shop was it? You're really holding your car to place your chest here. It's like this shop.

This so called shop. It's a local shop, not a supermarket, but quite big. So I had a basket. This is key. And I was at the till and the lady behind me just had one item. Yes, great. So I'll give up my place in the queue.

And then the guy behind her had three items. Ha ha ha. Are you still in the shop? Ha ha ha ha. What, is this? Is this an outside broadcast? I was wondering why you were sweating. You got to the shop at 8am, didn't you?

It's an hour. Half past one, you've only just left. That's another till guys, please. How many times can you give up your place in a queue? Do you think what was the reasonable thing to do at that point? The reason I think is not to have given up your place in the queue. In the first place. Yeah, in the first place. We all get the system.

How big is this shop? Not a supermarket. It's not a supermarket. That system only works for a shop. This has like a great riddle. Carry on. No, no. It's first is in.

No, so I think that system for me only works. If you've got a trolley and someone behind is carrying two or three things. Okay, well how about this? I have. No, sorry, very quickly. Before before before you get onto this. Yes, please. That very rarely happens anymore now because the baskets and the trolley have been separated to avoid this kind of caper. You know, so if you're going to a supermarket, people with the baskets going probably on the self-service. In fact, actually, in the big test going almost end, you've got self-service baskets, self-service trolleys,

and then, you know, if you want to have a chat with Maureen on the Tills, you can also do that as well. Three-need sections. Sign me up. I've got a great... Are you a till guy, Tommy? You strike me as a till guy. I'll tell you why I'm a till guy.

I was in my local supermarket the other day in the shop and Suzan on the tills. Started off talking about the fact that it was the Devonshire County show this weekend and the weather is not great for it. Within two minutes, I'd got into the fact that she can't find a partner for her daughter and then went into this real deep dive on Tronna Marriott for daughter that I was really actively partaking in. By the time that I was really short, yeah. How active. By the time I'd paid, I was saying, the thing is, is she just stops looking for it.

That's probably when she'll find it. And you know, you're just like, we were really into it. And then, and then by the time I'd paid them, we then went further down the line into how Suzanne gets a lot of attention on the tills and gets hit on by lots of older gentler men. And she deliberately avoids them if she sees them coming in the queue because they badger and talk to her. And that led me to think, am I one of those people? Yeah, yeah. It ended with a little bit of a warning, a little slap on the wrist. How

does she avoid them, by the way, if she's behind the till? She said she slides down in her chair. What? What up and load? She's on a fireman's pole. What's going on? It's at the basement. What's going on? So the till just appears unmanned. Well, she's kind of, yeah, she's like, she's right down so they don't see her. I get it.

I'll be fair enough, right? Right, right, right, right, right. I get you. It would be really cool if she just like started spinning on a stone. It went all the way into the grave. No. No. Yeah, she's very concerned about her daughter, who is a good-looking girl by all accounts.

Didn't show me a picture. I was just reassured. Despite the fact you asked several times. Come on. 25. Your phone's not in the break room. Come on, whip out your phone, Zuzer. Let's have a look. 25, got a good office job.

So Suzanne wants to find a man with a trade. All I'm saying is, if we've got any listeners, if we've got any listeners, deers, who are in the Devon area, with a trade, single, get yourself to wait, Rose, till three. Can I just clarify that what I was going to say, because I did just go, ah, 25. What I was gonna say is she's got loads of time.

I wasn't just. Oh no, no, we all got that clocky, don't we? Okay, good. The fact that you were rubbing your thighs, can't be detected to the audio listeners. I just slid down in my chair. Oh, I slid up in my chair. 25.

Oh, 25. 25. 25. 25. Oh, 25. 25 25 25 so so yeah so sorry so Clarky your question is What what went do you stop letting people ahead once maximum? That's what I went with talk us through your basket Sorry you you that's where you were I had a basket and I would say there was Inaccess of ten items in it. Ten! You don't learn anyone through?

If you're doing your weekly shop in a trolley and someone behind you's holding a bag of buttons, let them through. He's about chocolate buttons or like a little bag of buttons. I guess so. I was just going to work out. I was purely going to work it out. I'm a pearly king behind you. If someone's behind you, and they're bare chested, and they're clutching a bag of buttons like I really need this bro. Let them through.

But if they're holding an item, I get it. But if you've got a 10, 10, how long is that going to take, Clarky? Probably not that long, probably not that long. But, you know, it just felt like the plight thing to do, she was a little older than me. 25 is quite a bit older. 25.

25. 25. 52. LAUGHTER She was a little older than you, but not old. No, I'd say, yeah, she was like, I'd say 70s. Well, and she knows how to wait. She's lived long enough.

She's been waiting all her fucking life mate. She was there where they used to have to tee in the prices on the tills themselves, you know what I mean? Being part of it, I'd have to go around and do it itself. Isn't that mental when you think about what it used to be like to work in a supermarket? You used to have to memorize the prices so you could put them into the till manually. My brother worked in Aldi and that famous lady, that's what I was going to say! Yeah, that was the thing, that was the thing, Frages.

So when he started working there, they handed him just this ream of computer paper and he had to, yeah, you had to learn the price of everything in the shop. And that is a part of their thing was like, we're low price because we don't have the fancy scanners. We haven't invested in barcodes. That's, I've never heard of that. I've never heard this.

So that they didn't have the pricing gun, which would have been one of the most fun jobs in the city. Well, no, that was, that was Dan's nickname. They called it in the pricing gun. which would have been one of the most fun jobs in the suit. Well, no, that was Dan's nickname. They called it the pricing gun. The pricing Dan. So, what happens, right? What happens if it gets to a point when you are going, I've just got no clue how much these, I guess you have to then, you have to hold it up and then.

Hold it up and shout to the other tillers, how much does this cost? Oh my God. And they've got to, you have to like properly rattle through the, they're incredibly quick in those supermarkets. They're, they're, they're stressfully quick, I would say. You go to, you go to an hour a day. Yeah, you, you really have to bag up in a, in matter of

moments. It's like a competition. Here's the thing I've realized though, you set the pace. If you bag up slowly, you bag up slowly. That's the way it goes. I know the pressure of the cube behind you, but you mustn't feel that pressure. No, you've got as much right to be there as anybody else. And as soon as I realize that, a great weight was lifted off my shoulders. I still want my quickly. You're bagging up a little bit. I was, yeah, I was lifted off my shoulders. I still want to go back quickly. You're back in the water, you're shopping.

I was, yeah, I didn't mean that. We're like, I mean, I'm a hard carrier. For some reason, I don't know. One of those things. That's how it's taken for shopping. Because you have to open down a ladder to reach the tilt. I tell you what, don't go into weightrosex to the hot carrier. Susanna will be having you all right off with her door.

If you're carrying a hard. Oh, I've got a trade. I've got a trade. That's what she's after. Hang on, if I bag slowly though, the food just keeps backing up. Yeah, that's it. They pile up on the side. But that's okay, that's also okay, it doesn't matter. Are you sure the food's piling up? The food's piling up, but it's not, they're not going to start throwing it on the floor.

If you don't clear the space, they will at some point wait for you. You can set the pace, you know, it doesn't have to play in the game. What do you mean the game? There is no game to it. It's like, it's like the end of Tetris when it starts the speed up. That's when you go over clear head. There is a game. Yeah.

It's the great, it's the great game of, it's part of the fun of doing the supermarket shop is like when you get to the till You order what you put on so you think you'll be able to pack it really fast Yeah, then you get the other side and then you're ready the bags and then the game is You know never more than five items waiting to be packed And you just Machine that's the game. So a machine. That's the game. So yeah, only have a five minutes. You guys stay on top of it.

And do you order how you put things on the conveyor belt? 100% that's part of the game. That's where the game starts. And not only that, like, what are you gonna know that then? Because what you don't want is them taking the shopping ahead of you to them Before you've kind of packed it the way you want to pack it on the conveyor bus You've got to be quick on the conveyor belt because sometimes it goes

Faster than you're putting on the conveyor belt and that means they've got the edge. Oh, yeah You're not even loading and unloading at the same time is absolutely insanity Yeah, but also you want to control what you've loaded and how. Sometimes they try and take that away from you by moving the convey about forward. So you want to start stacking as close to the till as possible. Anyway, it's all psychological. It's them versus you. But ultimately you're both working in the same way for the same goal. Did you do it as quick as that's the way?

Wheels within wheels. Well, no to find Susanna's daughter, a husband. Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, with the trade, with the trade. So, does the stacking of the trolley come into play? Like, how many steps ahead are you thinking? Are you thinking, well, I can't go and get those items now,

because they're gonna be sat on the top of the bag, so I need to get them. What do you do? Because that's the other thing as well. You start with all the fruit and veg, that's the first thing you normally see in the supermarket, the fruit and veg, but they're the things that you don't want to get, you don't want to put a lot of tins on top of that. Exactly. Even though the other way around, you kind of do want the tins on top, because the tins are gonna go on the bottom of the bag,

and then the fruit and veg are just gonna go there. So that's it, that's it, because you start with the heavy items in your trolley, but then you're taking the light items out first, but you want the heavy items on the conveyor belt first. Unless you're looking at the entire conveyor belt, and rather than just kinda going, this goes in the next bit, look at the conveyor belt,

this book goes in the next bit, look at the conveyor belt this book goes next bit of the conveyor belt unless you look at the entire conveyor belt and go right well I'm going to put the tins right at the front and if if I pull out you know like you're you're you're stacking the end of the conveyor belt before you're stacking the start of it I get you that makes sense but here's what you do is you you flip your trolley when you get when you get to the conveyor belt. What? Yeah. Like, what? I'm saying down.

Yeah, chuckle or fucking flip it. All the shopping on the floor. Yeah, all the shopping on the floor. Then you've got heavy first. What am I hang on? I just flip it on to the conveyor belt. Surely. Of course, flip it.

Kick flip it. Lift it above your head. Flip it onto the conveyor belt. It's all there. No, even better. Hop into the trolley. Skateboard up. Kick flip up onto the conveyor belt. It's all there. No, even better. Hop into the trolley, skateboarder, put kick flip up onto the conveyor belt,

and skateboard your way through. Flip the Vs, kiss his understater, straight into the car park. 25! Pounds please. Dan Clark, how did you get there? Never forget. He's got the knowledge, he's like a cab driver with the knowledge.

He's Ray Mad. Is that a party tricky can do now? If you say to him how much was, how much were tinned peaches? Back in the 90s. Yeah, that's it. You flip a trolley in front of him and he'll instantly tell you the price of everything. There's broken on the floor. You flip a trolley. Listen, what, what, you don't fill your trolley though from bottom to top. You fill it from towards you to away from you. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That way you're through and veg is closest to the baby seat. Yeah, you kind of hold those lines.

I go the other way. So it's there. And then your heavier stuff's at the end in the thin bit. That's where your milk and your tins go in the other way. So it's there and then your heavier stuff's at the end in the thin bit. That's where your milk and your tins go in the thin bit. And then when you arrive at the till with your front you're coming in heavy and first. There's no flipping. You're going in heavy and first which I would argue also makes your trolley easier to control. Yeah. When you're swinging in the heavy front round the corners, that's what you want. You come in, heavy at the front,

out comes the milk, out comes the, you know, the potatoes. They're the tins, there's the frozen stuff. Then you're working your way back, there's the fresh stuff, they've started working the conveyor belt, you're round, you've opened your forebags, let's fucking do this. You dead eye soos on the whole fucking way through.

When you know, you know, get off the apps. You also have a conversation with her about it. You're able to, this is the level I'm at now. This is amazing. Get off the apps. It's really good. We've got a bit of people in real life. Bang, bang, bang, bang, in the go. You know what? Two bags on the go. You know what this feels like. We're giving this away for free, but this feels like, you know, you see those videos for the master class. The BBC doing a bunch of other moments.

The big class. Please. Tom, you've got to do, I'm Tom Perry, and I'm going to talk you through the big shop. I actually think that's more useful, because the other day, one popped up on my phone for Mark Ronson, you know, like his, he said, I'll talk you through how I use my home studio,

my own studio, and you're like, well, that's all well and good, Mark, but I don't have a fucking home studio, I do. So it's not using this information for me to take away. I don't need that info, but everyone needs to be here. Everyone needs the info for the big shop. And also specifically, it's how to use Mark Ronson's home studio. LAUGHTER So at the end of the course, Mark, do I get to come around your studio, then?

No, no, you don't do that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, I'm not. OK, welcome to Lesson 3, where I keep the cables around your studio then? No, no, you don't do that. No, no, no, no, no, sorry, I'm not. No, I'm not. Welcome to Lesson 3, where I keep the cables. OK, so third drawn down. LAUGHTER Oh, it's my station.

Now, it's really, really important that you know, this remote control actually turns off the air conditioning. Now, you don't want it on while you're recording, but you do want it on when you're not. So it gets very, very warm in here, because there is no... You can't open a window. I was seduced by those master classes and hired a good year of it.

I could tell. Yeah, I could tell you'd be the sort of person. Did you learn anything? Did you get anything out of it? I did not. I don't think so. Wait, did you do the masterclass on how to build his tension within a sentence? And really wrong foot people because it's what it is. That was, that was David Mammoth guys. That was David Mammoth.

You've just been mammothed, okay? It feels more like it will be Simon Cowell. This is how to tell people they are going to the judges houses. It will be so much better, you're right. If those master classes were like surprise kind of skills, so if it was like, I don't know, if it was like Vin Diesel teaches you how to dine a sock, you'd be like, oh, yeah.

You know, there's a little twist end, or like, you know, triple X's, isn't it, for the end gorgeous work Clarkie That's gonna be a classic that deserve more Comment we'll get those in the in the comments. Yeah, that's a more. I'm not sure on I see him ahead, but didn't sound great out the math. I feel like we acknowledged it That I mean you don't eat sure did hello. I'm junior. I feel like we acknowledged it. Right. I mean, you didn't eat. Sure. Did it look like?

Hello. I'm Jodie Foster and I'm gonna show you how to make a birthday card. It's a good foster by the way, Perry. Like, I'm always stop. I'm always stop. I'm Jodie Foster. Hello.

Okay, yes, yes, ma'am. I was, I was, I was kids who were going, yeah, I was just like, shallow, I'm Jodie Foster. That's, that's my Jodie Foster. It's not bad. I hear it, you know. Hello, I'm Tom Perry and. That's my Jodie Foster. It's not bad. I hear it, you know. Hello, I'm Tom Parrier and I'm going to be talking to you. How'd you do? A Jodie Foster impression. Over the next 10 hours, we're going to be having a deep dive.

Oh, that, I need to organize my cupboards. This is very, this is really, he's jumped it at the wrong end. But that's, that's good, isn't it? It's, it's, it's stunt casting. It's effectively what you're doing is the, you know, the bit in that move with Margot Robbie and a bath explaining the financial crash. It's that, isn't it? So you've got the stunt casting of your A-listers,

your Vin Diesel, your Jodie Foster, but the skills are useful everyday skills that you need. I think it's a good idea. Just like, you know, unblocking a sink or, you know, re-grouting a bathroom or something. Just like stuff that's... You know what? And then we'd all have a trade. Plumbing with sting.

Plumbing sting. Sorry. Don't get in touch. Plum sting. Are you alright Clark? If you in some way stung your plums. You got it. If you've got damaged yourself, you need to source out. What I put you both in front of the queue, I mean, it was when he slid down his stall on 25, he got the draft. 21. So Clark, you take us back to this queue.

Was the guy with three items looking at you with doughy eyes? Was he expecting or firing daggers? I didn't make eye contact, but I turned around and gave his armful of stuff a goosey just to make sure that you could see this stuff. I want to make it up to him that you weren't going to let him through. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, you're gonna have to wait, you know, let's say two or three extra minutes, but, there you go. There you go, mate. There you go.

You're bad. I've just gooseyed your bag of buttons there. I've just slid down on you, see. I don't want to get lost in this one. I'm still trying to picture a shop that isn't a supermarket, but isn't a corner shop, and what's that in between. We're talking like a London district. It's one of those kind of places.

It's an independent, they're called PFC. Oh, I know PFC. Yeah, I know PFC. So it's kind of like what would be described in New York as a bodega. Yeah, it's similar. It's similar in size actually to the Tesco Express and extra.

The Tesco Express next door. Extra. The Tesco, yeah, Express, is it? Yeah. I'm going to, I'm going to say, as a rule, if you're in an Express, you don't let anyone in front of you in the queue. You know what? I would say though, I'd say if you're in a Tesco Express, in fact, if you're in any of the brand name supermarkets,

there's no, you can go ahead of me. I just don't think it's happening. Oh, but I think it would probably happen in the independent stores, because it's a bit more, it's a bit more lawless, it's a bit more all over the place, you know? I did do it, I did it the other day as well, but there was, there was a question why weren't you in the self,

self check out, you know, like in the back of my head, I was like, why are you in this queue? Yeah, but how else am I gonna find out if she's Ann's daughter's getting on? If I've just gone in for a tin of chickpeas, right? Then I still need to touch base. I'd be like, did she go on that date? Did he turn up this time?

I'm gonna go find me. I'm on. behind me. Hahaha. I'm on. Plum sting, anyone? So how often are you chatting to Suzanne? How regularly are you? Would you say you're like, chummy with her? If you saw her outside of the weight troves, would you, would you be able to sort of give her

a nod? I'd give her a nod. I don't know if she, I think about this all the time because the people who work at your tills, they're kind of like, they're people in your life aren't they? They're kind of slightly, they're like minus celebs, if you like. Yeah, definitely.

And so like, seeing them is a spot, but them seeing you isn't a spot for them. Yeah, that's great. Because they have to deal with, they have to deal with so many customers. It's a bit like, you know, when Clarkie saw Jonathan Ross and like thought he knew him and was like, hey, you know, like, obviously you know Jonathan Ross, but he doesn't really know you. Very generous, very generous way of describing Clarkie's relationship to Jonathan Ross.

You've fallen out of touch since he used to co-host the show with him. Oh, I'm sorry, but we did cast this countdown. I felt like he was quite familiar at that point. And part of me wondered was that because I did that initial. Hello. No, it's because he's a pro. Yeah. You can make people feel like they...

Ah. I thought we were busy mates. No, it's the whole, you know, it's cool breeze all over again. It's the Reggie hunt, the trick, you know, you make someone feel that it's class. It's what it is. I reckon. I don't know if Reggie Hunter ever made me feel like you knew who I was.

I think calling every single person you meet cool breeze, it's a pretty transparent trick, isn't it? Yeah, but the first time it was makes me feel so special though. That first one. Everyone remembers their first cool breeze. Yeah, I think I remember it because I think I was thinking, well, there's somebody who doesn't know my personality cool there's somebody's bad nickname's I tell you it's not a cool breeze

Matthew Crosby I tell you what he's more of a hot gust I think thick air I take. But you know, if you heavy fog, you don't want to go too enthusiastically up to Suzanne and be like, hey, it's me, you guys from the check out because then you become the old guys who she tries to avoid. Exactly, I can't risk a swiveling round on a stool. She goes everywhere on a stool, by the way, it's very easy to spot. They just wheeler around the table. It's part of the reason they're talking to a man.

They're always just freaked out by the mom. Yeah, coming down the stairs in a stool, they're worried for her safety. What are your intentions with my daughter? Also, can you help me up? There's kind of a couple of big hits for me. There's like Suzanne and then there's ladies still where's a mask and has a really odd voice because she's kind of like, she's an added part of the game because not only have I got what's going on in the conveyor belt, what's going into my bag going on, I'm also trying to understand the conversation I'm holding with lady with strange voice who keeps her mask on and you can't lip-read

Can I just ask? Is it a Darth Vader mask? Is that what you're saying? That's what we're in for. She's the woman from that viral video with the chewbacker mask on, that's what it is. Just kept it on,'s what it is. Just kept it on, just kept it on. She's got a voice. It's a very musical experience. Oh, I know.

That's like what's going on. But you can't see her mouth. And so I do a lot of things. Just like laughing while she does it. I do a lot of agreeing then. I don't know what's going on there. In that instance, you've got to do a running commentary. You've got to do most of the talking, I think.

Oh, that's a good one. What you've got to do is basically treat it. I know, obviously, you're a pro. You're good at stacking a bag. You can do this. You've got to basically treat everything like you're almost on QVC, as you're going through all the items, you can do this. You've got to basically treat everything like you're almost on QVC as you're going through all the items. You know, you're picking up the pouch of microwave

rice and you're explaining how much more convenient it is, you know, especially, you know, especially with the little ones, isn't it more convenient to have these little bags of microwave rice? You know, just two minutes, two minutes. Otherwise, you know, if my kid wants rice, it's 12 minutes minimum. And then you're just doing that. And then you have to, if anything, it might focus you on each item. Yeah, although, but then,

but then you lose the reason you're going to the tills. Like, I don't wanna talk at people. I could do that on the self service. I often do, in fact, I'm at the self service. What do you mean you don't fucking register? You know, I can talk at the self-service, I often do, in fact, I'm at the self-service. What do you mean you don't fucking register? You know, I can talk at the self-service. I'm there for a bit of two-way traffic. I managed to get from high-pitched music lady

that her daughter is allergic to alcohol. So at Christmas, they have to have a dry, Christmas, no drinking in the house. What? Yeah. No. No way. No, no, no, I don't think you do have to, I mean, make sure, I'm not going to tell a not to,

but for example, if someone said, oh, I'm vegetarian, would you have a vegetarian Christmas in the house? I don't think you word, would you? Well, is it because it's like, it's airborne or it's like even like the smell of it or something's going to bring out a reaction? I'll tell you the exact same thing she told me. Go on, mate. Oh, oh, oh, oh, if I served you normal rice and microwave rice, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

If anything, I think the way I cook rice, please slightly better. Sorry mate, do you mind? Sorry, can I just push in front of you in the queue please mate, I've only got four items. If they're microwave rice, off you go mate. You only go to the microwave rice shop, don't you? That's right. Yeah. Very quick though.

Quicker than the right shop. I've still got the bag of rice. I bought at the start of lockdown thinking you had stockpile food. I bought one of those. I bought one that comes up to the top of my thigh. It's at the bottom of a cupboard. I think I might keep it now as a to like the top of my thigh. Oh shit. It's like the bottom of a cupboard. And I've got, I think I might keep it now as a souvenir for the rest of my life. You've never cracked it open. Never cracked it open.

We don't know, you famous, you don't know rice, do you? You've got your allergic to rice. Oh my, my wife, my wife doesn't, and that's when I found out. I was like, don't worry if you can be able to see locked down through both my wife and her mother were like, well, we're not that into rice actually. I was like, oh no, I can't eat rice.

I can't eat all this rice on my own. Oh, that to me would be a challenge. That would be like right. That's it. Do you hear about parry tied up malnutrition? He was both more than overweight and tied up malnutrition. How many times that? He was both morbidly overweight and tired of malnutrition. How many layers there?

If in 30 years time there comes a time where they open like a lockdown museum or something like the Imperial War Museum, it's something I'd be able to donate, I think. Oh yeah nice. Rice, I mean, sorry. Oh, nice. Right. I mean, sorry. Oh right. Yeah. How's BD? That's so, so useful for bacterial feeding.

How's BD? Do you have a relationship with the cashier in this independent, PSC? The PSC. The Bodega, yeah, this PSC. I do not. I'm very grieved about my local shops and the amount of kind of effort I've put in to try and befriend people and...

Is this why you're trying so hard to look like a good guy at the front of a queue? I mean, it might be part of it. Try to make a name for myself. Yeah, they're thinking, oh, there's that guy, you fucks up the queueing system. The last place I lived, it took me ages, but I ended up having a really great relationship

with a guy in a local corner shop. We chat, it was really friendly. Do you know what did it though? What? Or drink crates of Tuskegee to take to Glastonborough. Yes. Yeah, that's certainly helped. It's only once you started doing that,

that you established a relationship. So maybe you need to make some kind of weird bespoke order out. It's only once you started doing that, that you established the relationship so, maybe you need to make some kind of weird bespoke order and buy a lot of something. Yeah, I'm not gonna say a thigh-high bag of rice, but like, you know, but like, but you need to go in and you need to be the guy who orders this and then maybe the grams of rice, please. So just something that they're gonna know, oh it's that guy? Because at the moment, just being the guy who's...

Fuck, the cueing system isn't enough. I don't think. The guy who gooses people in the queue. Yeah, that's a good point, actually. I do definitely need to... You know what, it's like in the game of like pee-cocking. Yes, yeah, yeah, you've got to come up with something that makes you memorable.

Yeah, that's it. I think I just blend it. I'm just a guy. But if you do something that makes you memorable, that also, like, I mean, that's a bit of fun. Yeah, well, not even a bit of a fun, but it also brings them money, I think, is what it is.

Basically, you're relationship with your last guy. You kind of page your way into it. But you've got to be like the guy who's like, say you see something, there's only like sort of four or five of them left and you bought all of them. Right, if you were like, oh by the last five pepper armies and the guy is like, you like pepper armies

and you're like, you know what? Ordering some more pepper armies because I always like pepper armies. And then you become, you know, like, then he'll see you come in and go, oh, we've got some more pepper armies, and I'll put some, you know, whatever it would be. You know what, it almost happened, actually,

fun, funny you should say. Just popped into my head. I was at the till and we were getting prepared for a picnic in the park, and there was like a pouch in the cellar. What, you and the cashier. Maybe you're coming on too strong. I was gonna say something again,

you're getting on too strong. I was gonna say something again. You're getting on quite well. They have these Nutella bite things. And I was like, oh, I don't have a packet of those actually. And she went just to let you know that it is five pounds for the packet. I was like, oh my goodness. And then I was like, you know what, it's a sunny day, I'm gonna go for it.

And she kind of chuckled away. But if I'd have bought 10 packets, she'd think you're a limited-ing. I'm gonna be broke. Yeah. She'd think you're Elon Musk. Well, why would you, why would you, yeah, no, I think,

I don't think, don't bankrupt yourself here, Clarkie. Just go in and make, you know. We prices are great. It's a great one because you get a lot of, you get a lot of bang for your buck, don't you? Yeah, but how, you know, like, you have to either go in and buy a small net of rice a lot, because the thing is, you're not, you know,

or you can't go and buy it. Just one handful of rice, please. Yeah, I know, I know. Also, you can't be the microwave rice guy because say these london's already got one of those. Yeah, that's it, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to tread on toes. Also, famously, I don't be the microwave rice guy because say Theslandon's already got one of those. Yeah, that's it, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to tread on toes.

Also, famously. I don't have a microwave, so. Again, use of the word famously a bit strong, that's right. So, these five pounder telebites, will they worth it? Yeah, what other they? They were like, that feels fucking insane. Talkers through it, I'm paying some extra.

If even the person who runs the shop is going, don't buy these. Yeah. That's a warning. I think, you know what though, that is an embarrassing thing, isn't it? When a shopkeeper says, don't buy these, these are expensive because it's a bit like going,

I'm looking at you, you ain't got the dollar. Yeah. I'm looking at you, you're like, I know. Yeah. I'm looking at you, you're like, I know the kind of people who can afford the Nutella bites, all right, and I never kind of need to warn off the Nutella bites. And it's not the guy who's got a pocket full of rice, currently.

It's not, no, it's not a rice boy. They weren't good enough. They weren't good enough. What was it? It was like a little, there were like little parcels, almost like you get like cereal kind of, little parcels that I haven't had in the middle. Like crave, like a cereal crave. Yeah, that kind of thing. Yeah, totally. So you just bought like four craves for a fiver. So you're saying clucky. Pretty much. I think what you need to think about is

what your, what's your personality that you want to give off with this weird thing that you're ordering in? Well, I mean, you know, let's dig a bit deeper. What is my personality that I want to give off? What's my personality? Well, you're the guy with that, a microwave, famously. Yeah. Why don't you order some, go ahead and ask him if you can.

Order some microwaves. Yeah, microwaves. Oh, just order a load of microwave food and that will blow his mind because they'll be like, oh my god. I get to the tail and be like, little secret for you. I don't even have a microwave. That reminds me of a very sweet story to finish off.

When Nuno Espanita Santai became the new manager at Wolves. My brothers made Stad, I already know these sounds like one of those stories. My brothers made Stad works in a TV shop in Wolverhampton. And Nuno went in and bought a teleophim. And then he went back in the next... What year is this? so what year is this? We're talking six years ago. Okay, five years ago.

He went in and bought a telly off him. And the guy sorted him out and said, like, you know, you want these speakers and everything and gave him a really kind of good service. And because he knew he was the new walls manager, I kind of did him a deal. Yeah, because he needs a deal to do. And then no no, I pe appeared in the shop the next day.

And he said, he said, mate, can you get me some pots and pans? And he said, now it's a TV shop. And he said, oh, you know, sort me out of some pots and pans. So this guy had to go out of it and then started like so for the next week he kind of did new nose, how shopping for him, and he only went through this guy and bought him like all his stuff for his kitchen and pots and pans and stuff like that. And what was his markup, was he just doing it all as a favour because he's a supporter? He didn't do it.

Yeah, I mean it's worth saying as well, he's an extremely charismatic guy. He is. He's also a sucker. Well, I tell you what, Clark, you're matching and being the guy behind him in the queue. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I thought you said the dad was a charismatic guy. I don't want to get this guy. This guy's going to get me a good pot and pan. I can tell you that now. You know, just kind of took him on board. Is like a sister shopper and off this guy went.

I mean, yeah. So, you know, maybe you could get something like that going. Yeah. Would you trust somebody else to buy your pots and pans there? Because like, if I was buying pots and pans for a stranger, especially a stranger with, you know, a bit of money, what would you, would you, would you go like La Crusade? Would you, would you go top end?

Would you go to, you know, the ones you can just get all, you know, taped together in a Sainsbury's and, you know, it's like, 20 quid for all your pots and pans altogether? I'd go straight down the middle. I'm going high end Ikea. High end Ikea, yeah. Which I guess I think is the same as what Clarkie say. I think that's what I'm doing.

John Lewis basics or something like that, yeah. John Lewis basics, Ikea high end, did the expensive ones in Sainos? Yeah, yeah. I like it. That's what I'd say. Oh well, and the really, really expensive ones in PFC. The ones that aren't available in PFC that you have to ask the guy to go in the counter. The ones that are below the counter

that Clarke is going to, you know. They're there. If you know the right code. Come on. Next, the mic, wake up. Here he comes. It's old Potts and Pans Newtellerman. Let me tell you, he's got a bit of cash. He's got a bit of cash. This guy's got a bit of cash. But not too much. Yeah, but he used a bit of cash. This guy's got a bit of cash. But not too much. Yeah, but he used to have a bit of cash,

but he gave it to us to buy for crave. Well, Clarky, will you tell us how it goes? Keep us updated. I will do, yeah, I'll keep you updated. I'll try and I'll try and crack them. And I'll also keep you updated on Suzanne's daughter. Please, please do, please do. Have you ever Clarky? Have you ever had the free coffee at Pret?

No, right. And I don't know if you're the right person to get a report going with a shopkeeper. I think you've got to have... I mean, I suppose it's a slow grift, isn't it? What you're doing. Yeah, that's... You're going to slowly wear them down. Yeah, I don't have that.

I don't have that quality just to get something off the bat. You don't have what Nuno has. I bet he gets loads of freak offies. That's it. Why don't you try opening with me again every time? You guys are good. I like that. Do you know what Tom?

I'm gonna do that. Has meeting. Can we get this piece of Deliverton or Meething? Has that. How's B.J. B.J. Can we get this piece of Deliverton or B.J.? How's B.J. Well, there you go. Get him touch with your experiences of plumsting and finishing your drinks. We want to hear how it went. Will you want to bus at the time?

Was your tea perfectly cooled? Did you have an experience doing it letters? No. I'd love to know if you have any masterclass tips of your own when it comes to doing the big shop. Or making yourself, you know, ingratiating yourself to the staff of your local grocery store.

Clarkie, can we just hear your new catchphrase? Me again. It's good actually. And you do it with a charm actually. A lot of charm actually, you know. There's a real smile in your voice. I love it. Oh hi.

I've got a quick email to read that we got sent by Aaron. And I'm not gonna lie to you. He sent us a little while ago, and I couldn't make him a tale of it. But it feels like it's almost germane to what we talked about today. So this is from Aaron. Here we go.

Hey guys, just felt quickly inspired to email you while queuing in the post office just now. The reason is, it's so cool in there. If you ever feel like needed to time travel to a village shop when you're a child of the 90s, then none head post office is the place to go. Music on the radio is always something like fairground attraction or feeder,

and you can still get candles for 59p sold individually, plus things like two thick permanent markers for £1.29. These are 30 year old prices. It really is a trip down memory lane. Whilst in Nonehead, you could also visit the local themed bush. It's a different theme nearly every episode. They do Valentine's Day, Easter, Halloween.

This was the only picture I could find handy, taking the last September, and it's a picture of a bush where they've stuck giant pink panther on the top of it. Plus, so pink, it was not short. Taking the last September, not sure I was pink panther that month, but hey, pretty cool, right? Plus there's always the cemetery, which is awesome. Like being in the woods and not like central London at all, but I digress. Can't come and say, oh yeah, it says you can't come and see one of our library recordings,

but you don't even know how about that. But I digress, take care all for now and all the best, Aaron. Oh, thanks for that, Aaron. Thanks, Aaron, thanks very much. I mean, it's not really to do with anything we've ever talked about on the podcast, but. Sure it is.

I'm not, you know, I'm not gonna stop people from sending emails to us. If you've got a message you'd like to send us, papysflatshareatgmail.com, or if you've got a beef you want to send us, beefbrotherspodcastatgmail.com. Keep getting in touch today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham.

Corsham. Corsham! Tum! A-Cheers everyone bye! Bye!