Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Rich Man, Poor Man, Prick Man) S11E43

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. What's your thing and how are you going to make it being a glassblower on bake off?Some in real life live shows to come along to!15th November https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/1969958488876th December https://www.pleasance.co.uk/event/pappys-flatshare-christmas-podcast-double-bill-0#overviewPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

PIG Summer Carnival 2024 Live Across North America With special guests, Cheryl Crowe, Deskritt and Kid Cut Up in Select Cities Get tickets Monday at LiveNation.com Greetings, listener dear! I am Tom! I am, that's always best. That's always. There's always. I'm Matthew. And welcome to another Papi's flat share house meeting.

Before we say anything, we've got some really, really exciting and it's been a long time coming this news, but we're going to be doing live flat share slam downs again. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I am so excited. Yeah, so basically... back on the stage. You've got the stage where we belong. The details will be just in time for another impending long.

We've got to get these two in. We've got one on the 15th of November. We've got one on the 6th of December. They'll be cancelled. And no, we've got two. We've put them in. If we can get this in just before they cancel Christmas again. But yeah, the 15th is at the Phoenix in Cavingish Square near Oxford Circus in London and the 6th is at the Pleasant and that will be our Christmas special. Okay, so all the details for how to get tickets will be in the show notes below. So grab those, grab your tickets and we will see you there. We haven't booked any of the guests yet. We've only just booked the dates. This is guests yet, we've only just booked the dates.

This is the first, we've only just heard about it. So you were the first people to know about these dates. So get excited and get tickets and they'll... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I don't know if I'll remember, but what to do in front of an audience? I mean, did we ever? Did we ever know what to do in front of an audience?

It is mad, isn't it? Listening back to... We love doing the Zoom shows, and we've been putting out the retro flat-sheast land downs, the classic episodes, and the energy is so different. It was fun, so much fun doing the over Zoom, but I cannot wait to get in front of an audience,

and we'd love you to be part of that audience. Oh, man. Yeah, please come on down. Please come on down. So jump it a bit. Okay, today's episode is a house meeting. Uh, we, you know, do our usual, uh, working through different subjects. Sorry, I shouldn't have made it sound like, I think we've expended all of our energy promoting the flat, the live flat share

slam downs, but it is. Yes, we should, we've just recorded, we've just recorded the highest meeting as well. We put all of our, you know, we've got some real energy into this show. Oh, we're going to have bags of energy when we get this started. As always, folks, the Patreon goes from strength to strength. If you would like to join the Patreon, then you can go to papys, I was going to go to patreon.com forward slash papys flat share. It's great.

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It's like that Ryan Reynolds movie where he's buried in a bar. He made a series of phone calls to people trying to get your coordinates out there. But if anyone can find Tom and dig him up before he dies, that would be great. And yeah, so let's crack on with this episode, a very fine house meeting. Here we go. I've had a thought.

I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want a chat. OK, let's sit down and chew the fat. Has meeting. Beating. What temperature should we set?

The heat. Has meeting. Beating. Beating. Why on earth am I always waiting? Has meeting. Beating. Who went my bed while I was sleeping?

There's a has meeting. Beating. Beating. What's the point? Does life have a meeting? Has meeting. I kind of think that everyone has got a thing. Right.

Okay. And do you ever worry that like, you'll never find out what your thing is? Now are we talking, I don't know how deep you're going early doors. Are you talking about like a talent or are you talking about a kink? What do you mean you're thing? Like I guess like a knack or a thing. Or a skill. Or a, or a, or a, or a, or a, or it could be like,

or it could be a kink, but it's like, I think, I think what you've done here though is assume that there's one thing for per person. It's quite a romantic notion, isn't it? Like it's like soulmates, really, isn't it? The idea that there is one person for one person, there is one skill that is out there for one person, there is one skill that is out there for each person should have one skill if only they could discover it.

But isn't quite a lot of people's thing, they like doing it and they do it loads. Isn't that basically what you know, that's how you get your thing? Rather than going around and trying a little bit of this, I'll try a little bit of woodworking. I didn't really do that. That's not my knack, that's not my skill. I'll go and try a bit of glass blowing or I'll collect model trains or whatever it would be. Oh, I'll tell you what, I could really see Perry

as a glass brower. Do you think so? I think he's got the look, yeah. I think you could... The glass blower look. Yeah, you've got... You've got... Basically... This season! Get the glass blower look. I don't... We leather apron! Red! Yeah, no, that's what... That's all I was saying. It's a big round red face. So you'd be like, you'd be like, which end is blowing which?

Yeah. I can't tell the... What? They're blowing each other. That's also his kid. Yes. I know what you mean, though, Pary. I do know what you mean. I sometimes feel the same way. It is that thing of some people who just like, they really just like, they've got, they've got their thing, they're good at, they love, off they go. And yeah, that's it. And you kind of think, there's a lot of people in this life who haven't got their thing. And it's like, if they can only get their thing.

And I'm not saying like, it's like, it might be like, but if I basically, I think, if I was in government, well, when, it's absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing is, when your party was absolutely. The thing is when you're parties on, you know, when you're parties as on top as mine is, you kind of think, surely I'll get a chance

to be in a member's party. Yeah, kind of think it's a matter of time, you know. Absolutely, no way a left wing government is going to be empowering the next decade. So surely, my boys have got it locked up. These things just roll around, don't they? They do, they roll around. I'll keep emailing pretty.

You get, I'll keep on a sorry, you know. And then it's just having a matter of time. I'm a photo of your big red face, you're showing, mate. LAUGHTER The Minister for Glassblowing. LAUGHTER They've done a trade deal with, I don't know. LAUGHTER

Glassblowing's big in. And I... LAUGHTER I like the way you took two attempts at... I'm not a trade deal with class blowing, it's big in. I like the way you took two attempts at that riff. No, neither one works. The data trade deal is big in the idea. But class blowing is big in there. You can fill in the rest, guys. You can do the work.

What I'm envisaging is, it's a slightly either science fiction thing or if I was in government, I'd heavily invest in careers advisors because if careers advisors were cock-bollock, then it'd be like imagine literally being told, this is actually the thing that you're fantastic at. And it's like if there's a DNA, you're like, I don't know, you finger prick your blood and they'd run a DNA test and it's like, if there's like a DNA, you're like, I don't know, you finger prick your blood

and they run a DNA test and it's like, your DNA means you are the perfect milkman. Yeah. That's your thing, bro. And it's like, here's the amazing thing. Well, here's the thing, because I was thinking, I was thinking like that for a career's advisor. You know, you could do a sort of,

like halfway between a career's advisor and a lifestyle guru, you could sit down with a person for an hour, you could ask them a series of questions that could pertain to what they might do to enrich their, like an enrichment officer. That's what it could be. And to say there's probably a thing missing from your life, here's what it is. Of course my answer would only be... I'm talking to a big Christian. You should be a Christian.

I mean, I'm not saying that's a bit too involved for my liking. I'm talking ice-can, blood prick, print out with a one word written on it. You know, like, egg farmer, it's like, there's no chat. It's like, ice-can, pin, prick. So you want it to be you want it to be a touch? Oh, no, that's not a job, but I can't do it. You're a shipbuilder or something. How can a sec? They've done a trade deal with the Dutch. Glass blowing is very big in Dutch lands. I mean, maybe, maybe that would be a thing.

By the way, you should also be Dutch. Go, go. But you could, you could, I mean, that is a thing. By the way, you should also be that. Go. Go. But that is a possibility. You could move, you could become a change your citizenship. That's a possibility now, isn't it? You could definitely, I mean, less so now than it probably was. Less so. Because I'm blessed enough to a fame my thing, you know sandwiches you're really good at them Just really good at something. It's like good at eating them all round good guy Good good at sandwiches, and it's like there's my thing man

Do you know what for a long time? I didn't I didn't get sandwiches all the way through school and stuff I was like sandwiches and an absolute jet. You were telling us the other day about selling your sandwiches? Yeah, that's it, because I didn't like them. Do you think that comes from the class system of being at school where it's dinners and sandwiches? I think so, yeah. It takes the idea of some of...

Like, if you're in the pack way to get out of school, like you're less cool and chill, like, yeah, totally. So like sandwiches becomes by default, like the second tier, you know, you're the kind of second class, second class sits and like, go and have your cold food. No hot food for you mate. But how, like that's a different dystopia, isn't it,

where ice-ganned pin-pric, you're a hot dinner off you go. Oh, yeah. I scan pin prick, you're a sandwich man. Did you ever go to a rich man poor man lunch? Did you ever go to one of those? No. I get it. It's a grizzot thing.

But it's our church. I used to do rich man poor man lunches. Have you gone back in? Listen, what I do in my private life is my own business, but no, I've not re-entered the church. But it reminded me of it. It did remind me of it. What you would do is you would arrive

and you would pull a token out of the bag as you were going in and you'd find out whether or not you were getting the rich man's lunch or the poor man's lunch. Oh I remember these yeah and then everyone close their eyes and the rich man has to kill as many poor people and then you open your eyes and everyone has to try and guess who the rich man is. That's right yeah yeah yeah your party loves it. We play that game all the time all year round yeah. Um but yeah so I went with my entire family and I was the only person out of my family

to get the Richman lunch. So you're up on, and it was in our church hall. Where they do weddings, where both my brother and sister, separately I must dress, had their wedding receptions. Did they have a Richman wedding or a poor man wedding? What? Take the voucher. This is what you get. Rich man, poor man wedding.

Oh my god. Imagine if the bride and groom don't get the same thing. A bride not on the top table. Right, it's on the lower table tucking into some gruel. I don't mind, I don't mind saying it right now. Am I going to believe in this? I think I really am actually. He doesn't mind saying it does mind believing in it.

I actually think quite often the lower the budget, the fun of the wedding. No, you talk in my language. I think I think the clock is the stuff clocking in it. It's an innocent part of his set. I think I think those intensely posh weddings can sometimes feel Yeah, Clarke is the stuff Clarke needs to be. He needs his info. I kind of is, sir. Okay. I think those intensely posh weddings can sometimes feel a little bit uncomfortable.

Obviously the free bar cushions, cushions the blow. I have 100% disagreeing your character. 100% I've been to both. I prefer the posh one. Lovely for you. Really nice food, really nice setting. That's what you want, isn't it? Lots of drinks.

Lots of drinks that you're not paying for. Yeah. A wedding band sometimes? A wedding band, yeah. A wedding band, yeah. I wouldn't say I'd quite wedding band to a really posh wedding. No, but you know, they've put a bit of money there. It's like, that's a big cost

Clark he's pricing up his wedding There's a huge cost massive it's like at least a couple of grand for a wedding man I mean swipe at we have been voiced you for your wedding 30 days make time when you got a coffee You're wetting. 30 days mate, Tom, are you got a cough? Wedding bans are dead cheek. All you have to do is imposition all of your friends. There are three different types of wedding.

Rich man wedding, poor man wedding, and prick man wedding. You manage to have a rich man wedding on a poor man budget. He calls a poor man budget. He calls a pretty man with a big bandwagon. I don't know, it just feels like, it feels like, I don't know, but I don't know. It feels a bit like your holidaying in a different world, which is like, I don't know if that makes sense.

It depends how close to the couple you are. If you go to a wedding of someone who is both not your direct mate and also quite well off, it can be a bit excluding, I think. But if they're your mates, you know, it's fun, it's great fun. If you're like, I think, I mean, ultimately, that's basically what it boils down to.

It's not really about the rich man poor man aspect of it. It's about how much you like the couple who you're getting married to. Who's getting married that day. Oh, sorry, yeah, let's rework it. The nicer the couple, the better the way that's fair. So that's what we're going with, right? I agree with that statement.

I think I rarely get a kick out. Well, this is not a huge man's idea at all. We know we know a bow-j this is not age my anxiety at all. We know we know about Joe and Carries. Of course I love you. I was a lucky cat. Nice and a couple, a better wedding. Yeah, I mean you know it's a lovely, a great time. Well they took a lot of it.

I love you. I love you. What was on the menu? The rich, what did the rich man eat? What did the poor, what was the, what, what we looking at? How much is the difference? Well, is it like, was it soft, did salt pay come out? Everything in your church hall.

Everything was coated with gold, yeah. It was the same food. There was just somebody like, somebody with a spray can of gold paint, just sprays like, oh yeah, you're rich man, hear your sandwiches, shh, shh, you're like, is it any chance? Weirdly, I'm the only rich man who survived. Everybody else on that top table died of lead poisoning. Pass through heaven through the iron needle, is that what they said? Oh, shit, into the iron needle, I'll tell you that much. No, that's up, let's see.

So yeah, go on. What was the disparity in the lunch? But, did you have a study? Very nice. We were talking probably 30 years ago I did this. But it was... So actually, it was poor man's meal, poor man's meal. It's an AC, yeah.

Smash. Ooh, L Ices, yeah. Smash! Ooh, Lardy dar! It was a pie in the cat. Poor man's meal. Hogarth's London meal. That's what it was. Fravent, toss and smash. I said the Ferreira, Russia.

Ooh, Lardy dar, dar, dar. I'd actually love that, to be honest. I was gonna say for a really good reason. If you ever get remarried, Perry, you know what to have at the wedding. Everybody gets an individual for your bentos pie. But yeah, I think it was... And you guys are covering Blair this time, right?

I feel like it was... I seem to remember it being a roast chicken. It was like a sort of roast chicken, like a roast dinner, but the roast was chicken. And the poor people had an uncooked chicken. A lot of live chicken. Yeah, that's a catch it. But I think it was just bread and soup

for the lower table. So kind of prison. Do you don't sip with them, you sit? No, no, and it was like there was, there's a stage on, where you would sit on the top table. So it was, it was set out like a lot of, a lot of weddings have been set out in that hall. Stage, top table, looking down on everyone else on the other tables. And what's the point then? Is this kind of like a Stanford prison experiment type thing?

Yeah, it's probably bloodshed, it's probably bloodshed his parents with some gold boots. I'm an ender, isn't it? Yeah, I think the idea is to teach us that your situation in life, your lot in life is complete luck really. You know, if you are... Well, Parry, I don't know if you're parry. That's not what they say at the park, right? If you're parry doesn't believe in that. People just don't work out. Well, babies are born poor.

Just haven't worked hard in the, however, there's nine months in the world. They just don't work a bit harder. This baby's got soft, soft hands. That's what they're taste of working at, boy. It's a bit like a secret cinema isn't it, really? What your church was doing there. It was a secret cinema before secret cinema, because... Lady in the tram? That's right, I did end up eating from the same bowl as spaghetti as my priest and getting

off of them. He enjoyed more than I did. I love Rich Man. Hey that might be quite cool for your wedding clock. When you say I do, you share a bowl of sweetener that's a terrible matter. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, time start it earlier down the aisle. You bring it down the aisle, I'm at the end of a bit of spaghetti. Like you're laughing, here we go. I'd love to see that. But Ben passed out after three metres. Maybe someone's singing, where does Krike?

Clark is cheering on a huge bit of spaghetti. Maybe you're just like... ...mother to... ...today is the day! I can't go to smiggette, it's all around our waist. Maybe I'm just like my mother. This is the so-where the idea is here. I love it, I love it. I love the choice it went down the sky.

Maybe I just need my pastor. I've never said it's a pastor. It's a pastor-themed wedding rigatonians, then it's a... The Dolmi-O guys are marrying you. They're the officiants, the guys with the big eyebrows. Or at least someone in the character of the Dolmi-O man. You know, we know a lot of good terms. Basically you say we can't afford the Dolmiya guys. I know what a brickman wedding looks like, are you? You've got to think of the cheaper version of what?

You're a world's. Yes, because you're already getting, if it's the full on Italian wedding, you're already getting the three tenors to perform as the wedding band. Yeah, that is. I believe that's blown a lot of my it. At least one of them are dead. So, I hate to love it. The hologram of Pavarotti performing at your wedding is going to cost you a pretty penny, I would say.

It's going to cost you more than three ten, I would say. It's going to cost you more than three ten, I would say. Hasn't it? It's been a long time. Cold rain or hot snow? It's a sleepy day. Hasn't it?

It's been a long time. Have you ever been to an Italian wedding? They've got a thing where if someone starts thumping the table, everyone joins in and it gets faster and faster until the couple kicks. Really? The married couple kicks and it is really good fun. So like people and people tie them,

it's like if the bride goes to the Lou, someone will be like, BONG and everyone goes, Oh, she's just left the room and then it was like, BANG! And she can start hearing everyone go, BANG, BANG, BANG, and then she runs in and, and everyone goes, oh, she's just left the room, and then it was like, bang! And she can start hearing everyone go, bang, bang, bang, and then she runs in, and kisses and everyone cheers, it's really good. Oh, freaking off going to the loo in a wedding dress.

Great, without having to hear bon, bon, bon on the door outside, saying, come on, hurry up! Let me take the whole dress up, how about you? You helped my wife go to the toilet, didn't you? Did you want to help your wife go to the toilet? Yeah, at least that's what I told you. It was yet another job that I'd prescribed to you. Wedding band, bride shitter. You've got a busy day ahead of you.

I read the description from the title. I would have guessed a very different job. But yes. Yeah. Now, where were you at Italian wedding then? Oh, a pretty long time ago, my first ever girlfriend married a nice green man That's why I've got the same version to them anytime you hear that theme tune you like double-lock your doors Sitting in the window giving the V signs off back in on the doors after steal by women again. Now we were childhood sweethearts and she moved

we'd moved our separate ways and she met a charming ice cream man so it was like kind of it was an Italian you know. Is this protective? She's very genius. She's very tight. She's very normal. So, can I just tell you something? I'm interested about this, because you don't, you know, it's one of those jobs, a little bit like Milkman, really, where you don't see a lot of them anymore. Absolutely. Ice-Gun Blood-Prick.

Was he, um, that's why he called me. I know. That was the curse he you put on him wasn't it? What was he was he an ice cream van man or was he an ice cream man who worked in ice cream? Mr. Soft was do you know Janette's best man Mr. Softers, do you know Janette's best man? Do you take Mr. Whippy to be your lawful wedding husband? Bertie Holtz sort did the show, but he was lovely. He was an ice cream fan man. Wow.

Wow, wait. What are they on? Do you know, have you got any clue of what kind of what are they, what are they taking in Are you serious? Do you know if you've got any clue of what kind of air, what are they, what are they taking in? I didn't know that. It was a nice wedding. I didn't ask, but it was a very nice wedding. So, you know, there you go.

I wonder if, I mean, is, I'll deliver root. Because you hear a lot about like ice cream van turf wars, don't you, that happened a lot. But particularly in the 80s, I think, there was like kind of, in fact, did you, an ice cream van man turned up dead in Wolverhampton, they found him covered in hundreds of thousands, it's a top to himself. Oh no, fuck me.

Come on leave. If we can't enjoy that at this time of the morning. Why are we podcasting? Clarky, that's what I'm saying. Why are we podcasting? Clarky, that's what I'm doing. Why are we podcasting? LAUGHTER What is tough, sir? Oh my god.

I mean, yeah, the question is, it has to live a room in Uber Eats, Mozydin on their turf, generally. No, because in many ways, they were the original Uber Eats, you know. But for one particular thing. What? I know, so that would be like the Uber Eats.

Besides your house, I'm playing a tune. You don't want to take it. You don't want to. No, do you know what, Cosby? I hope that people would be quite down for that. What? So a guy in a dominoes bike just like revs his engine as he's going down the street and you're like, oh yeah, yeah, mate, I'll have a meat feast or whatever.

You know, do you, that's a plan. Taking the choice out of taking the choice and the the kind of the logistics of you can plan when you eat your meal. You just kind of just work around him. He's got the sketch. I guess I guess it's that feeling of always being ready to eat that I'm kind of tapping into I guess Like if I heard a siren and it was like that's the curry siren I'd be like up the front door Come please can we have a curry? Just with his hands cut Well, you make a good point the hardest day in all this

You make a good point though, Perry because if you look at you know like if you go to like a street food market or Or or like a modern day festival, often the curry will be served out of the side of a van. What they do in Park Dup, why aren't they driving around with a siren? That's a good idea. It plays some sort of bell that you go, well, that's pizza, that's, you know, that's Chinese takeaway, that's a curry. I'm not gonna suggest what those bits of music should be,

obviously. But I tell you what, like what we've lost, what we're gain there, Crossbow, is we've lost a little bit of the music of the street, haven't we? Like you think back in the day, you'd have the, you know, you'd have the, I, the rag and bone man coming round any old iron, any old iron, you know, after all, you know, you know, you know, go back to the play. You're on big, you're dead. We've lost the play, Carts Parry, since

you and I were a boy. The music of the street. I'll tell you what though, that was talking to the music of the streets. One of the real, quite exciting pulled-in-all-nighter noises was you're walking down the street and you hear the electric engine of the milkman. Yeah, and I used to love it. But now of course, you hear the electric engine, it milkman. Yeah, and I used to love it. But now of course you hear the electric engine, it's a bloody uber, creeping around, bringing people home, we've lost the music of the street.

We've lost the music of the street. This is what we need to get back to. That's just replacing with different music. Yeah, but your career advisor, he gives you your thing and what tune, so it's's like you're a fireman. Burn baby burn it. It's not me. Sorry, it should be me. You're absolutely right.

One job that's already got a siren attached to it. I love how you're giving sirens to the food things and then for fire engine is on the screen. Siren pimp you let's get staying alive by the beach. Siren goes out. My house isn't on fire and it goes no but the roof of your mouth will be enjoy this fin to lose. Lovely. I think there's something like basically what I'm saying is if my wife was in the her front room and she hears, and I scream, that guy passed, she'll leave me. No, no, no, what I'm saying is, you know what? I was saying, if my wife was in a front room and there was like a pizza song that came

past and that Van pulled up, she would be like, oh my god, please come here and have a pizza. Like whenever she hears it and I think you do a roaring trade as a pizza with a pizza siren. Isn't the thing though that I have to stop the van, start the oven. Isn't that the reason why? You can't just try to say with the van heaks the oven. Yeah, but still, I went to a thing the other day, I went to a posh baby's party, talk about posh weddings, and they had a pizza van out the front of it. Oh, I love it. But it was like...

From when you placed the order, it was like 45 minutes. How posh was this baby? We were talking like Richie Rich. Yeah, it was Richie. Rich baby. Richie. What age party was this? It was the first birth day of...

And they'd gone for pizza van. So they get never a pizza van. That's mental. What age party was this? It's a first birthday party. They're gone for pizza, then. What they get never pizza, then? That's mental. Pizza, then. Yeah. And they also do it like... It's the only thing we do, mate.

I'm sorry. Thanks for asking, but I mean, it is a pizza. What does a baby get out of a piece of nothing. I'm gonna do it for the baby. You could say what does a baby get out of first birthday party? Probably very little. Clark, I'm glad you brought this up, because I got absolutely done over the other day.

Daughters first birthday party. Now, I don't mind saying, I'm not saying it's my thing, because it isn't, but in lockdown, I actually got quite good at cakes. Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, I'm not saying like, yeah, like I'm saying, and actually, in fact, yeah, anyway, the first time I ever properly baked a cake, I would have competition. I remember this.

I told them about this. Right, so yeah, so, so, so all I'm saying is, So it could, it could be cake, so they're not my thing. It could be your neck. It might be my thing. It could be your neck, you'd need to. But like, I haven't really, there's not, I've not really baked a bad cake and I've often baked,

but I've often baked a good cake. A cake to good bake. So. This is, by the way, that's the kind of speech. That's the kind of speech that you go, well, he's out in week one on Bake Off. Well, there you go. Here's the tragedy of Tom Perry Whits. Two famous to be on Great British Bake

off, not famous enough to be on celebrity Great British Bake off. Yes, yeah, that is. I'll never make it. That's it. I'm two in the bs to be a contestant. They can't have the guy. I'm not a celebrity enough to be, They can't have the guy, yeah. Oh, sorry, you think you're in the biz? Clark gets you throwing, throwing our gingerbread man into the oven there. Well, no, it's more because it started, I mean, I'd fucking love it if parrots on Bake Off, what a tree that would be. So, but I just think it's too far I'm too deep you know I mean there's a glass

glowing there's a glass blowing one on on Netflix great British glass blowers it's it's not great British but it's it's more than I'm saying probably my party my party is not this time is for this fucking what is it The EU glass blowers, some kind of shit. It's great British glass blowers on the thing, all right? Sorry. But yeah, so anyway, first birthday party comes up. And we have this problem of like, you don't want to bake a cake for your daughter that you can't eat. That feels mean.

Sure. So then you're falling back on some kind of bullshit sugarless recipe. And this cake comes out. And I did exactly what the recipe told me to do. It all worked. It comes out of some kind of halfway house between a cake and a flapjack. I mean, it's got lots of carrot and dates in it, but it's like, it's not good. No, no, no.

It feels like, both of you feel like, not healthy enough to be like, I'm doing myself good here. And like, not tasty enough to be like, well, this is a little bit of a good thing. Exactly, not tasty enough to be okay. Exactly. The other hits.

So all these one year old babies are owned with their parents, who we've only just met, we're trying to make new friends with the parents. I have to wheel out this cake like fucking Johnny Amatru, be like, the babies don't touch it. Of course. They've got the baby's butt stuck in it. It's like, you know, it's got lured rainbow ice cream on it, right? It's like covered in, covered in cream and you say to all the parents, you're not going to believe this, sugar free, absolutely sugar free. Give it to all the kids, let them deal with it.

Let the parents deal with it because by the time it kicks in and they're crying and screaming, and not going to bed, they'll be long gone, maybe, you know, those parties last 90 minutes, don't they've got to be short by their nature, because everyone's going to go off and have their naps. By the time, you know, they won't even, they'll be like, I think I've got overexcited because the party, they were overstimulating because they're around to many other people, they won't realise that you've basically, you know, you've basically given them crack. And they'll be thinking, they'll be thinking, oh my god, he's sugarless cake,

tasted great. Let's get him on bake off. Sure, he's famous, but let's get him on bake off. Yes, he's in the biz, but let's get him on bake off. Sure, he's famous, but let's get him on bake off. Yes, he's in the biz, but let's get him on there. You know what? And also as well then when people say kind of have the Instructions for your sugarless cake you give me instructions for the other one and they go what it comes out like a big Cake you've got a real talent mate. I To date in your cake one more date than anything else. It's my thing mate, it's my thing. I'm good. I'm good.

But no, my reputation as a cake baker has got off to a terrible start in these neck of the woods. Let's just say that. It's in tatas mate. Because I was trying to cater for the fucking birthday girl. Did you not make a cake for the adults and a cake for the kids? No, I didn't have time. I'm not that tricky.

You're keeping yourself a lot of work there. It wasn't until cake came out. It was like, oh, this is a bullshit cake and now it's what we're going to have to go with. It's a hammer. It's a hammer, mate. Because always as well, there never be a thing where you're like, okay, because the kids can't drink booze, everyone's drinking water or breast milk.

I mean, the fridge was chock full of begs blue. It's just, you know what's become a big hit in our house now, is Noseco, right? Which is like, oh no, Succo. And it's basically Schler repackaged in a Prosecco bottle, and called Noseco. It's kind of basically, that's kind of basically what it is. And I was thinking, how brilliant would it be?

It's like four quid a bottle. If I was like 14, no. I'd be like my drink and choice. I can't. That's how that sentence ends. Because I've actually said a few things that you do if you were 14. I know, no.

If I was 14, no. You drink, I'd be... Non-alcoholic Prosecco. I'd be on the way to school. Slugging a bottle of Nosecco. Be like my thing. I think, because I got in trouble on a school trip for bringing a can of shandy bass.

Do you remember shandy bass? Yeah. And it always, it had that very enticing thing on the back, which was like 0.001% alcohol. Do you remember it had like, oh, it was something crazy like that? Just enough. Which just not for me to had like, oh, it was something crazy like that. Just enough. Which just felt like, I am being so cool.

But my parents gave me a kind of, bought me a kind of shandy bass and I took it on a school trip. And when I got, I thought it was expensive. Yeah, yeah, but it was, it wasn't booze. Like, it would be fine to give it to a, you know,

like an eight year old or nine year olds. Well, also you've pulled the drunk man's ticket and you're probably showing me money from that. LAUGHTER Yes, it's the sober, sober judge and wine-o's, meal, yeah. But yeah, I got in real trouble for it. They confiscated it. They wouldn't let me drink it. And I said, like, I remember saying,

it's 0.0% alcohol. And they were like, that is 0.0 1% too much Couldn't believe it. They're gonna go. I mean That's fair isn't it? No, I want to get Buzz on I'm gonna go for the input with that buzz on it's so little it's not actually gonna give anyone like you could drink that all day and not get Exactly you can't I've confiscated it. Hahaha.

Um, I wrote the first time I ever had that was at your place, Perry. A shandy bass. A shandy bass? That's a great drink. Amazing. Oh, but it's rough at my ass. It's like Friday, a Friday night in your parents' cave. So are you going to do that?

Are you going to give your daughter, Noseco, like, when she's a bit older, and be like, all your friends can come round. Of course you can, you can all have Noseco, you can all watch whatever the sleepover equivalent of dirty dancing is for the kids, you know, when they're. I think when you get to a certain age, I mean, for us it was Schler.

Schler was like, here we go, special occasion, I'll have a slur, because you drank ever wine. Yeah, yeah, fantastic. Yeah, I only drink your ever-related drink ever wine. It's all of the ritual around it, isn't it? That's what's the exciting bit. Well, you slaughter a goat. Yeah, I was drinking goat's blood out of a wine glass.

Yeah, from the wine glass. I parent it. It's all part of the question. It's all part of the question. It's all part of the question. It's a part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing.

It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing.

It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing.

It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part of the thing. It's all part Virgin. No wonder he's chugging the shandy baths. He's drowning in his sorrows. Where we start from. Yes. About your think, right. John, I found out this week that the phrase Jack of All Trades, Master of Not, yes, I was going to say this. Has a second half?

Yeah. What? It's got a second half and it's basically going, oh yeah it's great to be a Jack of all trades. Jack of all trades, Master of Dawn, of non. Though often times better than Master of one. Oh. Jack of all trades, Master of non, but often times better than Master of one, that changes everything.

Tell us, doesn't it? Yeah, and that's the thing, because before I learned that, I was like, hold on, I think Jack of all trades. It's used negatively, but I think it's way better to be that. You would say that. Or we'd all say that. Yeah, but we're not Jack of any trades.

Yeah, I mean. That's the one problem, I mean, that's the one point. I mean, I would like to go by myself as either of those things. Jack of no trades, master of trades. No trades. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what they got? No. But that feels like a master of one trade has suppressed that information because it changes everything. Well, famously it was the master of phrases. The master of phrases was like, I'm on it, don't worry, lads. They were at their Masonic larger or some shit. Well, it was your party.

party. Hang on, which party my daughter's party or my party party? Same thing mate. So we're all there. Gov was there. Gov finished his slice of cake. I'll give him that. I slaughtered a goat at the end of my party. I've got... Yeah, I'm a blood. Gov was slaughtered at the end of my party as well. He was on the wall of the Naseco. I can tell you that much. No, it's all right. He had loads of icing sugar around his nose, so I think he was... He'd found the sugar alright. Dance floor, dance floor at 2 in the afternoon, what is that?

Are you sure there's no sugar in this cake? Is that what you're going in my fucking face off? I just have half a date, just half a one. Imagine if that was your secret in celebrity bake-off. You went armed. And not only are you getting the Hollywood handshake, he's hugging you as well and kissing your face. LAUGHTER Tell you what, there's 10 stars.

What? Prove he's cracked in the go-souls. The only one who's completely unmoved by it is Noel Fielding. Craig British baked off. I said it once before but it bears a repeat. I said it once before but it bears a repeat. Oh, what a treat. What a treat. What a treat.

What a treat. What a treat means that? I lovely way to start the day for us. I don't know what time you're listening but whatever time of day it is, we hope it's time approved. Oh my god. Somebody get a parry on oxygen mask. Jesus Christ.

Is anything that can drop down from the ceiling in moments like this Tom? Because you are? You're a borderline in a coma. I think we're using up all the oxygen in the ear canal. That's right. That's right. Three of us crammed in there. We're depleting the listeners' oxygen supply.

So yeah, I'll thank you by the way to all of the people who got in touch to say that they agreed on me about thirst. Got so many messages. I don't even think we've got time to read any of them, in fact, but we got so many messages saying that they, I completely understood what I was saying and agreed with me 100%. So thank you. They mean the world to me those messages. Keep them coming in. Are you setting up your own thirst podcast? Is that right? First cast? Just to tackle the subject head on. Absolutely. First first. What? Speaking of which, I'm going to have a lovely little sip of water. Harry's going to have a super flat

Oxygen guys what's that all? Today's episode was produced by emikor Shun Cheers everyone Please be upstanding for today's Patreon neighborhood watch roll call. Let me finish as beatboxed by MCMC and Big Bear Ben Clark. Kick it! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Oh yes! A bit of Harry Cleary's throat. Everybody I apologize because I have got to go to the toilet as I'm really sorry. I haven't been in ages, John Ro! It's not good.

Everybody I apologize, I woke up a little bit late and I haven't had time to put my face on. But especially apologize to my friend, her name is Emma Mason. Everybody I apologize, I haven't paid your wage. Please just give some money to my friend, Tom. Make sure you realize there's not enough apology to hit a pop, is there?

No, no. I'm free for the apologise, it's my bad off-drop the ball. I had a real fumble on something really serious and I have killed whole dumb bolt on, oh no! It makes you realise there are too many rhymes in hip hop. Things, as fair to say, there's just too many people... Wicked, wicked, wicked, wicked, wild, wild west, Tom. Hey everybody, I apologize, I've made a big mistake.

I thought that was for me, and so I ate the entire cake. I'm afraid that's ruined the party into the works, it's thrown a spanner. And especially I've got to apologize ruined the party into the works it's thrown a spanner and especially I've got to apologise to the party girl cos her name is Hannah. Everybody I apologise I didn't try the sheets. Unfortunately I left it at home and I didn't bring the pig. We are rubbish aren't we? We are fucking awful.

What massive peg that I used to try to sleep? Oh look it's my friend Andrew Clegg! Everybody I apologize I've made a big mistake. You hired me to put a fence on your land and I did that no way. I fenced all over the fence, I fenced it really good. I used my finest nails and I used my best wood. But when I came to cross the fence, I realized that for miles I hadn't put in any styles and I blame my co-worker Steve Jiles. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh I didn't really mean it, but now I guess I've got to deal with the consequences of my actions.

Oh, I've said bad things to the country singers round and round. I've offended Alan Jackson and he's put me in the pound. I've offended Willie Nelson, I've offended Garth Brooks, but at most of all I've offended one guy who gave me dirty looks. That guy of course that I've offended his name is Dwight Yokem and I offended him when I said I hated him and Abigail's lokem. Oh, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy,

what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, what a boy, morning I was crabby. I don't think I got enough sleep. I'm sorry for snapping Heidi Black, but Blackaby.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, everybody I apologize because I have something to say. And this is something that is gonna take you back today. You're gonna be alarmed when I tell you that it's hard to do. That's what? Yes. That's right. Wow. I'd love that as well. There's not enough of that as well in hip hop of the hype man just like be like, whoa. I'm not on the other side.

I can't hide this. What? Yes, that's right. It is, that is the fact I've got a real stonkarn because I've been looking at the person who's Will Thompson. I apologize. We are the apologise. We are the apologise.

I apologize for that. Oh my good. That concludes the Patreon Neighborhood Watch Roll Call. I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina!

I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina!

I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina!

I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina! I'm going to be a ballerina!