Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Sexy Steampunks) S12E28

Episode Date: August 9, 2022

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. What should I wear to a Christening? Steampunk attire, obviously! And to a sexy theme park? Steampunk attire, always!NEXT LIVE SHOW9th October at The Cheerful Earful festival in Balham - https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-4Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Greetings, listener dear. It's Matthew here from Papi's formerly Papi's fun club now Papi's. It's been that way for a little while. I think we changed our name in 2009. So welcome to the podcast. This is House Meeting. It's a house meeting recorded a little while ago. Now, what's going on at the moment? And the reason you're only hearing my voice is that Tom and Ben are off on their summer jaunts, their summer constitutions. Clarkie is all the way over in Australia. He's enjoying Australia with his, in fact, he's out on a holiday with his in laws for a month.

So, yeah, pray for Clarkie. It's that, you know, his in-laws, I've met them all. They're a wonderful bunch, but I think, you know, like they say you can't choose your family, you can choose your friends, but you really can't choose your in-laws. Like, that's just the way it goes, isn't it? You just, you do something find yourself in a situation where you've got this whole other family who are also your family. And I think I'd find it hard Like, that's just the way it goes, isn't it? You just, you suddenly find yourself in a situation where you've got this whole other family, who are also your family. And I think I find it hard enough going the whole day

with my own family for a month, let alone somebody else's parents. So yeah, good luck to Clarky, who's out in Australia for the rest of the month. We've recorded a bunch of house meetings. This is one of them. Perry is also off with his family. He's just been to the fringe for a week, getting the shows that he's working on up and running. I'll mention them now because I'm sure he'd be appreciative of that. He's looking after Flo and Joan. He helped direct that show, or he directed that show,

I should say, which is on at the fringe, so they're brilliant, two fantastic musical comedians, and he is also working on Kirin Dowd's show, the final in the trilogy, in the Don Rodolfo trilogy. So Kirin Dowd, if you've never seen him before, formerly a member of the sketch team beasts, now a fantastic solo character performer. He's just great. You know, you'll know him from the Christmas episode of Beef Brothers Coldcuts a few moons ago. He was great on that. He's brilliant. Go and see him. Go and see Flo and Joan. If you're also looking for other great shows to see, I know Clarky worked on Luke Kempner's show. He also worked

on another show, and I can't remember the name of it now. Let's see if I can keep talking and at the same time look at Clarke's Twitter. I had a small tiny hand in Jess Robinson's show this year. Her show is called Legacy. Absolutely brilliant. She's just great. She's just a brilliant, brilliant performer. So if you get a chance to see her, if you're up at the fringe, go and see her. And Clarkie would love you to see a Clarkie tweet to like, oh yes, here we go.

Colin Holt was one of them. Yeah, Colin Holt, just great. So Luke Kempner, Colin Holt and Christian Brighty, those are all shows that you should go and see up at the fringe. Yeah, in joy of those. Also, if you're not at the fringe, if you're just in the London area, then go and see a show that I directed. Izzy Sussi's show Jack Park. She's doing a week at the Soho Theatre, 22nd to the 27th of August. And I think there are some tickets available for all shows, but not that many. So get a move on if you'd like to see Izzy Suzy, you know Izzy from,

from Peep Show and so many other brilliant things. And also of course, from appearing on Flash, just land down and appearing on Beep on those cold cuts. And yeah, go and see her show. So there's loads of loads of stuff to see. Um, uh, right. Let's get on with the, with the business in hand. This is a house meeting, but before we get into the house meeting,

the real meat of the pieces, I've gotta talk to you about beef brothers, cold cuts. Now, this is a conversation I'm having with you, the listener, before I even have it with Tom and Ben, but it's been playing on my mind. We've got to a situation here where the beefs have just dried up. And I'm gonna be totally, I feel like it's really important to be transparent with

you listening because you know, you've been with us for a long time. We've been doing beef brothers cold cuts for a good few years now. And for some reason, like every time a beef brothers cold cuts rolls around, I have to get on Twitter, I have to get on the page, I have to say, please, please send us stuff, and we get a handful, you know, we get four or five each time, so most of the make it onto the show unless they are sort of really indecisive, or a bull, most of the make it onto the show. I don't know why that is, I guess it's because we've kind of maintained our loyal fan base, and we've been asking them this question for years, and anyone who's had a beef with their neighbors

and is wanting to get in touch kind of has. So what I'm doing is I'm appealing to those people who've, every time they hear an episode of Beef Brothers Cold Cuts, they go, you know what, there is a problem with my flatmates. I do have some sort of lingering situation going or with my landlord, You know, I'm currently on holiday with my in-laws for a month. I've got a beef with them.

Like that's who I'm appealing to. The people who have never ever responded. I'm going to give you the email right now. It's beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. However, if you want to get in touch with us through a Twitter DM, if you want to get in touch with us through the Patreon, you can also do that. Any way you get in touch with us would be great because we, yeah, I don't know what it is. And I love doing Beef Brothers cold cuts, but we're sort of, you know, I feel like we're in a situation whereby I don't sort of know how it can continue. I was, oh, you know, the last episode, I was genuinely tempted just to go on Reddit

and grab a bunch of them off Reddit, which, you know, arguably that's what we should have done in the first place, rather than put the pressure on you, the listener. But what I like about coming from you is that they come from you, you know? It feels like, you know, you could just, anyone could just crib stuff off the internet. We have these, you know, you could just, anyone could just crib stuff off the internet. We have these, you know, we've got these brilliant listeners of which you are one,

who write these phenomenal emails. And when they do come, they're fantastic. It's just that they don't come frequently enough. I hope that's not too pathetic to beg for, but I think if you like, if you enjoy that podcast and I really do and I know we all do, we love having a chat with our guests. If you'd like it to continue, then please send us an email today. The other thing as well, is don't be put off by the fact that some of the messages are, you know, longer than the Bayer tapestry, write us a four sentence message. You know, some of the messages we get from the live shows are just three or four sentences and we can still spin funny out of them.

If anything, the more you leave out, the more we get to fill in the dots with our own ideas and a conversation can happen. But yeah, just looking at the, I've just opened up while I was chatting to you. I've opened up the beef brothers, cold cuts, email address. And we've got two emails since I last checked it for the last episode. One of them is a confirmation from all gust of gold. Don't even know what that is. Someone has signed us up to a web conference to discuss investing in precious metals in order to sort of steady the ship for our retirement. Maybe they know more than we do. Maybe they know more about this podcast.

Learn how to hedge your IRA slash 401k with precious metals. Are you ready to diversify your retirement? Now that to me feels like spam, nothing we can do with that one, and the other one is a pod beam performance email, which tells us how well our podcast is performing on pod beam. Very well, thank you very much, but the stats like Netflix will never fully reveal, but it will be great to have more messages. So beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. We would love to hear from you. If not, you're going to get a lot more episodes of House meeting, which is also fine, but we love chatting to the guests. We love chatting to the guests. So this is a house meeting, as I said, let's get into it. I remember this being a very fun chat. I believe my favourite style genre gets referenced quite heavily. So let's get into it. This is a house meeting and I will speak to you on the other side of this.

Enjoy it. I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want a chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat. Has meeting, what temperature should we set the heat? Has meeting, why on earth am I always weeping?

Has meeting, who went my bed while I was sleeping? Has meeting, what's the point? Does life have a meeting? Has meeting, got it all done. The tiny germ is something I was just thinking of. What's the point? Does life have a meaning? I have meaning. God, no. The tiny germ is something I was just thinking of. All right, you've got a tiny germ. A tiny germ. A tiny germ. I was wondering this the other day, in this hot weather, it's made me rethink.

It's made me change. It's quite a big change. You finally accepted. You finally accepted. No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, come on. It's not a matter. It's not a matter. For years now, I've been telling you think it's going to change. You finally accepted, you finally accepted. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not mad. For years now, I've been telling you about it.

Listen, it's just sunspots, everyone chill out, you wokies. But what I was wondering is, I don't know what I'm doing now when it comes to, I don't think that's going to be to do the hot weather. That's what you're talking about. I don't think you's going to be to clothes, particular trousers. Oh my god.

It's a sad cover. I got it for help. I'm off on a holiday soon and I just felt like, I felt like all of my trousers are wrong. I don't know how to fix it. I've been online, Google, Instagram, Twitter. I'm so proud of it. Are you asking Clark if you're old enough to wear linen trousers?

The answer is you absolutely are. Well that's why I, you know, back in the day I had a pair of linen trousers. What day was that? So you melted off you in the heatwave. Is it grafted onto me? I've got little legs though. What I think of Lillian trousers, I think of our friend, Humphrey Carr,

who for some reason, when we were in Edinburgh, Humphrey Carr, like brilliant comedian performer, was in the Penny Dreadfuls, and we were sort of occasionally, for some reason, like pitted against each other in Edinburgh, as like the rival sketch teams. You know, you either pappies or the penny dreadfuls. I was penny dreadfuls, but...

Yeah, I thought that was fantastic. I never missed a show. I missed quite a lot of ours. And I remember, like, three weeks or one of the sort of the newspapers up in... NewsPapers is a stronger one of the publications up in Edinburgh asked us to film a strong term. One of the publications up in Edinburgh asked us to film a video where we played them at cricket. Yeah, I remember this. We had to play them at cricket.

And so Humphrey, Humphrey Carr had decided to address in kind of like basically, like as close to cricket whites as he had with him, which included Lyndon Trausers, and it rained, and they went entirely see-through. And he was going command-o. Oh! Yeah.

So remember, that's quite a... Oh, I mean, that's probably the wind. There was wickets everywhere I looked. Yeah, I stumped. But yeah, so when I think of Linden trousers, I think that, you know, the tricky thing with linen trousers is, what do you do for underwear underneath them? Because you know, you're either wearing underwear and very clearly wearing underwear onto your linen trousers, or you're not wearing underwear and running the risk of a little bit

of, you know, magic eye when it rains. If you relax your eyes. you can see my dick. Magic third eye. I do know where you're coming from here, Ben, because I recently had a holiday and it brought about a kind of, it kind of brought about a kind of sartorial identity crisis. Yes. Oh yeah. I'm kind of going what actually am I up to here? What am I doing?

In fact, any slightly formal, I had a meeting before Christmas in a restaurant and the person who was going with me said, dress smart, you know, don't go mad and I for two weeks couldn't it was in this real panic about what to do with that. Yeah, I'd struggle with that. Smart is such a broad church, isn't it? For some people and I'm thinking of the three of us, popping on a shirt is smart. For other people, shirt is default. Then you move up to tie, come a bun, crevettes, bow tie. Are you shirt and jeans? And are you tucking it in?

Tucking it in. And then what happens with the shoes? It's like anything like that goes on and that's it, my head's gone. Are you tucking the shoes in as well? You're not tucking the line. Then I'm starting to sweat and then suddenly I have to go to the toilet and run my wrists under the cold water tap to try and calm the sweat down. Your trousers are gone, I bake. I'm sweating through my linen trousers. What if you end up wearing just out of interest?

What if you end up wearing it's your white miscellaneous smart. A furry white jumper that's got quite a high neck. And it's the high neck. A furry white jumper. The white neck slightly elevates it to smart. I'd say. A furry white jumper would have been very far down my list of possibilities there. I wouldn't recommend it for an Australian holiday.

I think you're a sheep. You'll fit right in. Could you... God, give me a sheer amount of sweat. Can you help us out a little bit on furry white jumper? I know the jumper he was talking about and I do actually think it's a pretty smart jumper. What do you mean by furry? What material is it? It's made out polar bear. I wonder how it's sweating. It's a pelty you got from David Axenberg. Have you seen the Revenant? I killed a polar bear and crawled into a restaurant wearing it.

He ordered from inside the polar bear. Oh, wow. So I went for like a smart jump with jeans and trainers. Obviously not interesting, anecdote, but like all I wanted to get to was that I don't know. It's all the time. Please, please. Please back yourself. I'm genuinely interested. All I wanted to get to was that I don't know, Tom, but do I please go and start? Please back yourself.

I'm genuinely, I can't, I'll tell you, I'll tell you the thing that really does it for me. The absolute curveball, chrysnings. Chrysnings for me are like, again, to keep on with the cricket analogy. Weddings, Europe against kind of like a fast baller, you know what you're dealing with, you know, you know it's gonna come straight and you're gonna go, you're gonna go a fast baller, you know what you're dealing with, you know it's going to come straight

and you're going to go shirt and tie, you know, and evening do, you'll probably drop the tie but you know where you're going. I'm terrible ahead. Yes, because he raised the tie. Christnings. You, he's all over the shop how you turn up for a christening. I've been saying it for years though, and this is why I believe you should become a steam punk because the decision is made for you.

It's always the top hat with the goggles on it. It doesn't matter what the occasion is. It's true actually. If you get yourself a very, very specific guys, then people don't expect anything different from you and then you can feel like. Yeah, especially one that's the, especially one that urs on the smart anyway, right? You know, I couldn't say become like a grunger or something or an emo kid because it's

not necessarily always smart, but if you go steampunk, there's, there's going to be a waste coat, there might be a fog watch. No, it's just going to be a waste coat. No, it's just going to be a waste coat. It might be a waste coat. Sure, let's go with the way it's going. There might be a gun made out of cons. But anything could happen.

It's the fashion wild wild. We're a swikky wild. Basically no one is going to, no one is going to approach you at a christening to say, you could have smartened up if you've got a gun made of cons. I thought you were going to say no one's going to have a procho at a christening. to say you could have smartened up if you've got a gun made of comedy. I thought you were going to say no one's going to be afraid to, Chris, Chris and I could ask you to be a godfair. I'm funny you should say, actually Tom, a friend of mine was saying the other day that he was

invited to a christening and was expecting to go, you know, pretty much just in every day attire, and just so happened to have a conversation with the people who's christening it was, and they were saying, oh, yeah, we went to a christening year then, so I turned up in like jeans and trainers. Could you imagine? He was like, oh, that's what I was going to wear. So he had to go full suit and was like, is that what he do? I fucked it.

And like I've done it for like my nephews, Christening, and I turned up with just trainers and stuff and had to borrow my dad's clothes on the morning because I was going to look family down. He was a wee where? Trailers. He looked great. He was wearing jeans and trailers.

All at times he was getting yellow t-shirt. Yeah. I use red jeans and trailers. All the time I'm just getting yellow t-shirt. I just, like, there needs to be some kind of grading on the christening. Yeah. Then we're into the other sort of slightly tricky issue is that I don't care about church in the same way

that my mum and dad care about, well, my mum specifically cares about church. So that's why, you know, basically it's like trying to make sure that your mum doesn't get upset. That's what it is. You think, what can I wear that won't make, you know, when my mum sees me she won't go, oh, but also, but also, you don't want to be that guy

on the photo, on the family photos. Definitely. You don't want to be the teenager at a wedding because he's come wearing his trainers. We're all ready, the alternative lifestyle guys. We're podcasters, you know? We're the podcasters of our families. You know, we're the prodigal sons.

You know, our families aren't loaded with podcasters. You can all imagine them leaning over spot the guy does the podcast, but I... Exactly, exactly, it's that but then also you don't have to turn up so you can boot it someone go oh podcasting pretty well that's why that's why what you want people to say is what I guess is podcast about being a steampunk steampodcast would a podcast fit into the SteamPun code? Oh good question. What could it point? What could you have to listen to a SteamPunk podcast?

Oh, that'd be on like a fucking grammar phone or something. Yeah, it's like a grammar phone attached to a kettle basically. That's what it needs to be. Oh, like one of those, you know, one of those pipes that shoot tubes of messages through. Yeah, like fire, you know, fire off your mis-sips in that and it'd come out of a fucking combine-arvestor or something. LAUGHTER Either way, if there are any scene punks listening, please don't be offended. We've got no idea what you want.

What you want. I can't say, I mean, I can't, I can't, I can't say the table. We can't stress it up. We've got no idea. Comp what the table, we haven't got a fucking clay. LAUGHTER And where did it begin? Like, the who was the proto steam punk because

I Is that might be the case? I really might be the case It feels like it's a miracle that it took off Like those airships, they love so much. Crucially. Crucially cross-bite, I don't want to go to a christening dress to the steam books. That's it, that's it, that's it.

Okay, sure, well, you know, all I can do is plant seeds here, you know? I think if I eat in my life, when I'm on my deathbed, if I can look back and go, well, at least I made that one guy a steampunk on though it was life well-lived. Yeah, I knew not well, as long as you're not talking about yourself. How did he die? He was crushed by the weight of his own goggles. His automated steam, a deck bed. Ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, I was just thinking the same thing Tom about Wallace and Grommit. He feels very steam punky. Yeah, it is Wallace, a steam punk. Guys, are we a steam punk podcast now? I think we've talked, I mean, we've certainly talked about steam punk in the past on this.

We've still not gone back and found out what it is yet, but yeah. In a parking mind defense, it is you who always brings up steam punk. I'm obsessed with it. I do think you should give it a whirl. It won't be something that's an itch you're waiting to scratch with a spanner. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha You've got the kind of facial hair that will you to apply the right amount of wax in the right places.

Thank you. It'll launch you. Well, I ate a baby bell earlier and I haven't thrown the rest of it away, so what do I need to do? We went with big red nose. Dangerous in this weather, having baby bell wax lying around, mate. Well, can I tell you the reason we have so much baby bell in the house?

This is genuinely true and I don't know where this started, but if Efe Cleo walks into anything, you know, like if she ever like bumps her head, she's always like, get a baby bell. I want a baby bell to be put on the bump, because it's cold in the fridge. And I guess it's just, you know, it sort of makes perfect sense.

Oh, I like that. I'd like a baby bell. I like that. I like that. Baby bear. I'm like a packet of peas. Yeah, it's her version of a pack of frozen peas. Of course we need an adult bell. Yeah, I get a full wheel of e-down. Plunk it on top of my head. He's just in down his baby bell, adult bell joke that he tried on to it six months ago.

Does it end down for the old parts? Guck, you don't get here. Are you doing material? I'm doing both material and gear, yeah. Don't do it for a big time. I always need to do gear after hearing Glocky's material. Don't check my Twitter because it's wall to wall. Does it want to become a steam gun guy?

I've got... You know, people do a burcery. You know, like people would do. Like, you know, like, there are sort of writers who will do a burcery. So every year someone can get paid, you know, right on the news quiz or whatever, that kind of job. That is what that's the burcery I'm setting up.

Every year, I will pay for somebody a promising newcomer to become a steampunk for a year. So the opposite of a bursary that you're just taking down people's careers. You're like a feeder but for steampunks you're like to what your voyeur, I'm a voyeur for the steampunk world. Through some kind of mechanical telescope. Yeah it's like half telescope, half piston. The number of black eyes is giving me. I can tell you that.

But there are some in the eyes. The amount of baby bells have to put on my face after isn't that telescope? That piston telescope. Yeah, you're not just putting on your eye though, are you sitting faster? We know where that piston telescope goes after dark. LAUGHTER Presumably there must be a roaring trade Piston telescope goes after dark. LAUGHTER

Presumably there must be a roaring trade in the kind of steampunk sex world. But would you want a steam powered, you know, sex device? Steam punk sex world sounds like the title of one of our podcasts, to be fair. Well, I think the steampunk sex world... I think the steam powered... We've got a piston. to be fun. Well, I think the Steam Power Dildo in William Burrow's naked lunch, the novel the naked lunch, the steam powered Dildo in it called Steely Dan and that's where

the band get their name from, just something just through a bit of connection there. So at least in the similar in Barbara, isn't there? Yeah, a bit more futuristic, isn't it, Barbara? Yeah. But I think it's nothing to do with the piston action of it. It's more to do with the amount of steam. I don't want that much steam in my... You know, steaming your genitals. Steampunk sex worlds, it sounds like it could be an area

of like an after hours Disney World. Yes! Yes! Yes! So it's an adult theme park. Is there an adult theme park? That's a good question. As in like a adult themes, do you mean? Yeah.

Like sex, a sexy theme park where it's like instead of the log flume, it's like the... the log flume, it's like the, the, the, the penis flume. Something I don't know, fucking, it's fucking flume. It's like an after hours. Like, I'm gonna go on the fucking flume and ride on the old,

volricant teacups and then, it's got me on. I'm gonna go on the old chaffin big dip, but when I, yeah, like, I'm at a theme park. You have like a log flume that's based around anal sex and it'd be like, we're going wrong.

And then, you know, it'd be like, log jamming. The log's going back up. I think that's a whole other sexual practice, it's dumb. You know what I mean, though? And there's like a water sports on, you know? It's like a water slide, but it's all coloured you know, it's all, and there's like a water sports on wet, you know, it's like a water slide, but it's all coloured like a piece and it's like off you go and... Oh, get to the coast.

It's got a scat logical theme part, very real. Right. Yeah, it's like a sexy theme parking. You know what I mean? Sexy things, like a turd going up somewhere to the heart cell and being covered in piss. You know, all the sex stuff is covered already. You know, all the stuff that gets you right where it's pure.

It's got two right. No, I'm a piston. A piston. A little piston. You're not been a piston. A piston, yeah. Piston, piston, piston. Piston, piston, piston.

Yeah. Piston, piston, piston. Piston, piston, piston. Yeah. Piston, piston, piston. Yeah. Piston, piston, piston. I think if you put that in the right place, I've got 50 pins done in. Yeah, 50 pins done in. 50 pins done in. I think if you put that in the right place, it will go in.

That's the slogan of the park, isn't it? It's a place you're thinking of. Like you don't want to put it in like fucking Norfolk. I'm thinking like in Marbae or somewhere like that. Oh, okay. Oh yeah, that's good. That's good. That's good. That's good.

You're like off you go and there's like, you know, there's rude self-isolation. So like, you know, when you come off and you bite like, yeah. Selfies. Every one of your ideas is so funny. I don't know why. Every one of your ideas is sort of, is like equal parts like, like, delightful and just pathetic.

What's the rude selfie? I really want to hear it. You know what I mean? You got a theride and you buy those photos of yourself. It's like there's loads of like there's loads of like dicks around everyone's face and like, I'm just a just not the big blackish. I'm like, oh, I'm not a big fan of it. I remember that.

I remember that. It just looks like you ever goes. Oh, I'm not going to put that in there. I've never seen that in my life. It just looks like you're rigged. I'm just running a big, big desk, a big party. It's just like receiving a load of piss. I bet there's money to be made. Yeah, we never saw Tom again. That was the last time we ever saw him. We opened the world's first adult theme park in Exeter.

Crossbeade is last itch attempt to try and save him and send him in the corner, of course, a steampunk, but he's pleased because he's team bunk. Forced in the opposite direction. Has BD. For what belief would you take a BD? Has BD. Do you want to see what the world is really like?

Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free to pass in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th. ACAS powers the world's best podcast.

Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm David Boros, Canadian historian and host of Curious Canadian History, a bi-weekly deep dive into the wild, worrisome, and wonderful world of Canadian history. This season, we've covered not season Alberta, the Palestinian partition, and even the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. We also have eight seasons worth of back episodes all right there for your listening pleasure.

Check out new episodes of curious Canadian history every other Tuesday wherever you get your podcast. Hey, cast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Yeah, it does need to be in the right place. I can't see it working in the British Isles, but it is for Brits, very much Brits abroad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's, it's true. A Britain is, it's not a sexy place, is it? I know, things like, you've got to be this hard

to ride this ride. What? And like, a little gauge. I would love that. Like, pictures and stuff. How does it work? What is it like by the angle, or does it, you have to put it into some sort of device

and it's been a fun more than anything. You put your crotch next to something and it'll kind of go like, whoop! Regardless of what's going on. It'd be like, test your strength, your cock strength, and it's like to test your funny power. Yeah, you'd have like those punch machines, but it's like you have to do it like, with a pelvic thrust. A pelvic thrust. Yeah. I mean, it hurts, it hurts

bad enough hitting it with your fist. Oh, I've never hit it with my fist. Well, my hit with your fist is another one of my right. What are you calling it, Barry? What are you calling it, Parry? What are you going to call your park? Alton Shaggers? LAUGHTER I don't know. Something like that. Oh my God. Specifically nowhere near the UK as well. Nantes Park?

I don't know. I don't think it's like... Drayton Manapark and fuck. The big three. And they're the big three in this country. I think it's the Chessington World of Adventure. I'd say Chessington's probably not in the Chagging World of Adventure or something. Wow.

It's called Notchington World of Adventures. I feel like you serve foods. Rather than assume you get a gov job on entry. Well, obviously the food would also be, you know. Oh yeah, yeah, and I said like cream filled. Cream donuts that you have to stick your face in and hot dogs that you can go off and. Oh my god, don't ask me to stick your face in.

Like the normal hot dogs that you can't go off by the way. Are you imagining a donut you've got to stick your face in, like the normal hot dance that you can't go off by the way. Are you imagining a donut you've got to stick your face in, like those things that make an imprint of your face, those things made out of pins? How was that? Yeah, well, yeah, like that, but you know those executive toys that you put your hand on it, or put your face on it, or whatever. So yeah, so you've got to stick your face in this donut. What sex you've got? What sex you've got now? It'd be like, no, it'd be like,

it'd be like going down on a donut as well. What? So it's not the actual food's not dirty. They get that out of the way you eat it. It'll be shaped appropriately as well. Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. So you get your face in there to get the cream and

a grog stuff like that. Look, this isn't my... It's not my face. It's not my idea though. I am tailoring for a certain crowd. We all know they're out there. The 18 to 30 Shagging Crowd, John Amin. I don't think there's any 18-year-olds you'd want to. No, but that's, that's, that's, that is where it says, isn't it? And you're absolutely right. I think it's actually we're dealing with more of the 27 to 45 grubbers. I'd say we start, I think we start the 45. I don't wait, I don't wait at least 27-year-olds doing,

going along to this. We're starting in our mid 40s, and you're taking it up to death basically. No, I don't want it to be that. I want it to be like, it's basically like, I don't want it to be us, probably people 15 years younger than us. Yeah, no, it's for like, it's for like,

you know, like, it's the love, it's like love Islander, Wayne Linnaker, it's that crowd. Yeah, I see that. If it's in Ibiza, that's, yeah, that's definitely, because it is like the poolside game, exactly, and like, when I was at Open Beach, I felt old.

I don't want to feel old at this place. I want it to be like, lots of like, he's going home. Lots of people and bad and bad ex. And there could be like some kind of he's going home lots of food and pad and lads and that could be like some kind of hotels where it's like you can flirt and have a bunk up. I don't want it to get broccoli. It's a thing quite cheaply. But you know loads of signs up all around just going we cannot stress this enough this is not a brothel. Guys please please please please, please. When you bite this room for half an hour at a time,

I want you to be sleeping, okay? When you bite it to shag a steam punk, it's no, that you're both getting something out of this. If you, if you set up a steam book stall in my theme park. I, yeah, I'm run, I'm gonna, I like to co-run the hotel and the hotel is a steam bunk brothel. But it sounds like those goggles coming really hand. That's it.

I've got, I've got a bones pick with steam punk. Okay, I get the steam. I'm not sure that the earning punk in any way shape or form. As in they don't look like, they don't look like, what's punk about it? Well, I guess it's because it started, like, you know, it's not, they're not people who look like they come from the world of the sort of, you know, the industrial revolution or that kind of era, the era of steam. They look like sort of a modern kind of rocky version of that, right?

There's a sort of like, there's a sort of, kind of a rock counter culture aspect to the clothing. I think if you dressed exactly like, you know, if you just had a stovepipe hat and big, you know, sideburns and a waistcoat and like sort of baggy, tweed trousers, you wouldn't be considered a steampunk. You'd just be considered Kenneth Branner at the... Exactly, you'd be Kenneth Branner at the opening ceremony.

Yeah, that's what you'd be. And I don't think at any point do people go, oh, it's nice of Kenneth Branner to show up and do a steampunk display. We knew what he was doing. That was... You would be all... Well, you would be all... You would be all... We thought of knew what he was doing. That was, that he would be, well, you would be called to do what he was doing.

We thought I knew what he was doing, yeah. He was moving his arms around a bit. I suppose sex pistons. The sex pistons. Not a bad name for a steampunk band. There you go. They can play the opening night of my hotel. I'm a hotel now.

He's up there. I know that from a stall. The hotel within Tom's Theme Park is a steampunk hotel. So look, I'm leasing out the steampunk hotel to Crosby. Yeah. Happy to do that. Clarkie, have you got a little sorted peck of the

low you want to kind of set up a high-five? Yeah, I want to be selling light weights, airy trousers. Oh, old man, take a look at my life. You're not, it's not for you. We're talking about lighter trousers. It might be good for your boners or all of that. You're selling linen trousers. Who's boner trousers?

Bona trousers and also, you know, if you get drenched in the, what were the log jamming flu? Yeah, if you get drenched in the, what, the, the log jamming for loop. Yeah, if you get drenched in the piss, they go see through. You know, it's always straight for everyone. Clarkie, just to, to, to try and solve your problem, just to go back to your, your, your problem. So, would you, would you, like, how far into kind of holiday mode? Because you're off, you know, as people listen to this, you'll already be on your holes. You're off, you're off to Australia, you're going away from, how into holiday mode, because as people listen to this, you'll already be on your holes. You're off to Australia, you're going away from a month, how into holiday mode are you prepared to go?

Would you be prepared to go and get, for example, a pair of like, fisherman's trousers? No, you wouldn't go into that and just go like, well, I'm just gonna wear these on my holidays because I'm on my holidays and I don't know anybody, I don't really care. I wanna be careful. No, I'd like a midway point of comfort is an imperative. I think it has to be. The older I get the more important that becomes when it comes to clothes. I totally understand that. But I haven't completely

given up. Well, I don't really a lot of living trousers for my holiday. Yeah, there we go. I mean, I hate to be... Send me a link. Dude, just go to Marx and Spencer. That's my advice for you. I was thinking about giving that advice off my... But let's not hide what we are.

Go to Marx and Spencer's. Get your bag of liquid and you'll have all the closure needed for that holiday. They've got elasticated waist. They've got lovely linen. They've got stretch material. It's the absolute boy hat that make you feel distinguished and not silly, even though you do look a bit silly. It is.

The crucial thing is to feel silly. Doesn't matter what you look, it's how you feel. Loud shirts, but not too loud. Oh my God, God, and just embrace the fact that we're marks and Spencer's now. That's the only answer. I think that's it. It's basically me trying to, it's me resisting that

and I should just, I should give over to it, and I really, you're a top shop, a gone. I mean, I mean, the quicksand, the more I struggle, the faster it, the faster I think. Surely you're just gonna be in shorts, right? You're gonna shorts here in Australia. I will, but I'll tell you another thing, the fashionable shorts at this moment.

Is quite, quite a tight, like they're quite warm. They're a bit too close to your legs and all that. Get yourself a nice pair of Bermuda shorts, you know? You'll be, listen, I think the key word there is fashionable. Stop trying to get the fashionable item of clothing. You're on your holidays, it doesn't matter. You've got to relax. I also, there is nothing more attractive to people than someone who's comfortable. You know what I mean? If you've ever seen Parian in Armchair,

you'll know that's true. If you're operating on a level of comfort, then you'll be hitting them target of everything else. You know what I mean? You're not worrying about this. You've got other, you've got bigger fish to fry. You're doling out all your material. People are laughing. You know? I don't know. You're not thinking about anything else. You come for your justice. maybe this is what's been holding me back. Kauaki, I've got another word which I've adopted this on many a holiday and I enjoy it very much. Please.

So wrong. Do you do so wrong? Looks so wrong. Feel so right. That's what I always say. It looks fantastic. Do you do so wrong, Krosmite? Yeah, yeah, I feel great.

I absolutely, I... Oh, well, well. Sure, that's an interesting story. So wrong, down the beach. Absolutely, you've got to... Are you wearing underneath it? Listen, I never tell. I'm doing after you, Wes.

Just wait for the sea breeze to us. Yes, I'm just... A gentleman never tells. Just wait for the Lord Mayor to come and pull a tiny string. And declare this. What are you doing with those giant scissors weights? This beach is now closed to anyone under the age of 15. I declare this man arrested. Let's slap a plaque on that. I declare this man arrested.

Let's l upper plaque on that. I love the sarong, you know. Small little pair of short underneath, like a little pair of swimming shorts underneath perhaps. But, you know, depends on how thick the material is. Was Beckham your first interaction with us or on? Yeah, I sold him us or on. We were probably on holiday in some parts the same time. He said, what's that piece of cloth you got around?

I said, well, I'll tell you what, David, there you go. You can have it. And for the rest of the day, it was a private beach. But yeah, I think Beckham certainly popularized the Sarong, didn't he? He brought the Sarong to the masses. He made it acceptable. You know, big step, big step.

You know, people talk about Harry Styles appearing on the front cover of Vogue and Address. Don't forget Beckham and his Sarong. I think it was an important moment. I loved the Sarong. I've not wore a Sarong in ages but then you know it hasn't been, I don't know why I didn't go Sarong over the heat wave. That's when I couldn't. So you bring them back off holiday? What do you mean? I don't just, what would you do? You should have them buried it, see, on the way home. What do you mean you I don't just, what do you think we should do? Should we have them buried at sea on the way home? What do you mean we bring them back off holiday? I take them to holiday, where am I holiday?

Bring them back, yeah. I launder them. I feel like hats and sun glasses and there are certain things that just belong to a holiday. What? No, I get that. I definitely get that.

I definitely get that. I think as well, hats especially because I'll often, you especially because I'll often, I'll often on an early part of the holiday, get myself done some of a few holidays, get the sort of the straw hats, you know. Oh yeah, nice. Might even buy it before I go.

Might even get a straw hat before I go and have the straw hats, you know, the sort of, what would you call it? Like a sort of little straw, Trilby type hats. And I would wear that, but you know, maybe you go in the sea, it gets a bit splash, just sweating every single day.

It's basically, it stinks of old hay by the end of the flight over there. But it stinks of old hay. And for some reason I used to bring them back and think, oh, why don't I wear this and you put it on for 10 seconds and go, oh, that's the reason why. Well, I'm going to be in new one every time. The key moment is you wear it in this kind of holiday bubble. Yes.

You think, God, this hat becomes me. This is great. I feel confident. People are enjoying it. You know what, when I get home, I'm just, I should keep wearing this hat. And then you get off the plane and you get on to the tube and you think, oh no, I'm the cunt on the tube. You can immediately feel the hat isn't the hat that it was on holiday.

No, no. Parry, this is so true. And the trip back to Gatwick Airport and going back to sort of East Croydon Station from Jamaica when Charlie and I went to Jamaica. You've never seen so many people like immediately go, oh yeah, I'm in Croydon now, aren't I? Yeah. We're all wearing vests. Some of us have got corn rows, you know, like, it's, it's, it's, this is the mistake you make, you go,

yep, this is it like that. It felt right at the time. This is the mistake you make you go, yep. This is it like that. It felt right at the time. Yeah, Stetson and cowboy boots, and I had it for like the whole week as it taxed us last night. Of course, yeah. This is great.

This is a good look for me, and yeah, 20 minutes. No, you kept up cowboy boots for a bit. Stetson didn't make it, but like you kept up Calibutes for a bit. Stetson didn't make it, but you kept up Calibutes. I gave it a go, I gave it a go, but it just, yeah, it gets you. It's the equivalent of Sandra D to Danny in Greece. It's like, exact moment. It's like your holiday hat sees you in front

of all your friends and it's like, Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Like this. Oh God! I can't, I can't be, I can't be wearing you around them. Oh that's cool baby. And then he actually took a rack in. What's he doing guys? Racking and rolling and what now? Sending, dirty. Do you still have the steps in there? Do you still have the steps in that you occasionally take under the boardwalk and make out? At the end, though, Tom, the steps into when you back dressed up as a... The leather steps with some... A top hat with some goggles on.

Did a sexy dance and some for you. It turned steam punk for me. Oh my God, steam punk grace. It's the exact same movie. It's the exact same movie except at the end. She comes out to do, as sexy Sandra Day, she comes out to steam punk. That is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is,

that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, steam punk. That is a daily good leaves. I got a daily flies off on the car and he's no, the team birds, the team bird steam pugs. So it's because is it, is it the exact same film? But when the pink ladies take her off to give her a makeover, they turn her steam punk as a crawl prank. It's the, yeah, yeah, it's not as a, not as a crawl prank. As a, as a, as a great act of kindness. The kind of act of kindness I'm trying to do for you, Perry. Grease Lightning's a train. Are the two birds steampunks in this film?

No one else is a steampunk about to say so I'm going to do it at the end. Right at the end. Yeah, yeah. And Danny's, he's Danny's reaction. I've got chills. They're multiplying. Yeah. Yeah. And she says, don't worry, I won't be able to sum up this steam

He says cuz the power you're supplying. It's not electrified You better heat up Okay, okay, okay, okay, I'm happy with that. I can see it. Yeah, that works. Well done, everyone. I'm prepared to put your musical on in my theme park as long as you change the name to greased up my arsehole. So folks, there it was, house meeting.

Yeah, good, good fun and lovely to hear the voices of Tom and Ben rather than just me wittering away begging you for emails, which I did for I think about seven and a half minutes at the start. Right, what else can I tell you? There's still tickets available for our show on October the 9th. We're going to be at the cheerful, earful festival a whole weekend dedicated to podcast. It's a podcast festival and we're performing. It's a really fun day the day we're on. Angela Barnes' history podcast is happening at I think about half past three and then at five o'clock we are doing a flat

share slam down with special guests, the birthday girls and then at seven o'clock we are leaping over to their room to guest on their podcast, birthday girls house party. So we're going to have a brilliant time. It's going to be a tremendous amount of fun. There are guests, we're their guests. Why not get tickets for all three shows. It's going to be a wonderful day. I know the cheerful, helpful festivals themselves want us to have a sort of a beef, please email in for beef, for the way. They want us to have some sort of competition as to who's going to sell the most tickets, but it doesn't really matter either way. We'd love big crowds for both shows. Obviously, it's all about having as many bumps on seats as possible, because that's the reason we do these. The reason we do these shows is to get as many people

who love the podcast to come and see us live as possible, because they were always fun. They're always fun recordings. We always have a nice time. Yeah, if you enjoy what we do, then get the Patreon. The Patreon goes from strength to strength, actually. It's tremendous fun. And we have a great time over on the Patreon.

It's Papis Flatshare on Patreon, if you search patreon.com for slash Papis Flatshare, you'll find us all there. We do a Flatshare pop round, which is a freewheeling chat for about 35, 40 minutes every week, where we read your emails, we chat to you. Get plenty of emails to the Patreon. Loads of emails to the Patreon, just not many of them beefs. We have fun with each other, we have these amazing features that kind of spring up out of nowhere and yeah, so you should really get on board with that. And again, if you're a fan of the podcast and you want to keep it going, it's a great way to

support it because we obviously we we do these, these free, the main freed, we want to keep it free, we want to maintain it as a free, as a free podcast. So the Patreon is our way of making that happen. So get over to the Patreon and join that. We're also going to do a couple of flat-sheast stand-downs in September. They're not yet on sale, but they will be very, very soon. So keep watching our Twitter for that. Get yourself over to our Facebook, find us on Facebook, like and subscribe to this podcast and just generally have a wonderful,

have a wonderful time. We'll be back next week with a beef brother's cold cut, fingers crossed, but bear in mind, what days it take? It's Tuesday when this is going out. We're recording it on Sunday. There's a very, very good chance. We're going to be sitting down with our guest and talking about ways in which to firm up your investments and diversify your retirement by investing in precious metal. It's not going to be the most centredlating hour of podcasting, but it's all we've got so far. So send us some beefs, please. It doesn't have to be long, it doesn't have to be that involved,

just make it entertaining and we will do the rest. Thank you so much for listening, have a wonderful time. This episode was produced by Emma Corsum. Corsum team, we're doing it on my own. I should take, like it's nearly 11 o'clock at night, I'm in my house, everyone else in the house has gone to bed and I'm just sat here in front of my computer talking to myself. I hope against hope that this has not come across as insane. But you know, if

it has, get in touch and write it by way of a beef, be friends, podcast it to gmail.com. Right, of course, in team, we've done that bit. Cheers, everyone. Bye! I agree. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to freedom at a lot more. It's nonstop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's on my theaters It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15th.