Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Shopnav) S11E06

Episode Date: February 9, 2021

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. The boys are going for a run, and shaking hands with their own shadowsTickets for the next live (over the internet) Flatshare Slamdown on Feb 16th featuring Cariad Lloyd and Angela Barnes are available here - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/137786104949/Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Greetings, Mr. Deer, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I'm Matthew and welcome to another Papi's Flat Share House meeting. House meeting, that's right, the flat share version of our podcast where we sit around and talk. And sometimes we start sentences,

we don't know how they're going to end. So this is the flat share version of our podcast, is it? Yeah. Is that what it is? It's good to know, isn't it? So this is the full type of this is the flat share version of our podcast is it? Is that what it is? No, it's good to know, isn't it? So the full touch of this is Pappy's flat share, brackets, flat share version, AKA house meter, and then whatever we decide to call this episode.

So it's good to know this is the flat share version of the show. By the way, shall we just very quickly promote the flat share panel show version of the podcast? Because we've got another one a live one over zoom if you haven't watched them already. They're really really fun You can watch it live on February 16th at 8 p.m. And we have two Absolutely stellar guests, so we'd love to see you there. Yes, we've got Angela Barnes and Kerry Adloy to massive talents and friends of the show. So yeah, it's good to have them back. It's always a laugh-riar having those live evenings on Zoom.

It's like an evening out of the house in the comfort of your own home. Exactly right. Yeah, it's, so if you go to eventbrite.co.uk and search for a Pappy's flat share Or there'll be a link in the show notes or go to our Twitter app Pappy's tweet Or there's usually one on Instagram at Pappy's comedy. There's plenty of places to find these tickets And we're doing this as part of the Lester comedy festival We're back at the Lester comedy festival for the first time in I think about eight years. Can you believe it? It's so good. And you're up to the list of comedy festival

without having to actually go to Leicester. That's exactly it, yeah. That was always, I love the Leicester comedy festival. There was always one big sticking point, it's location. It's a lovely festival otherwise. So now I can do it from my flat. Very, very happy with that.

In fact, as long as we order a flat share version for the list of comedy festivals, as long as we order a big curry for afterwards, because that's what I miss about being in Leicester. There's always a great curry post gig going on in Leicester. So as long as we get some... I don't think it's a bad place. I think we just didn't enjoy gigging.

It's so much nicer to get in a car, drive to Lester, go for a big curry, have a couple of clients, get back in the car, obviously not, you know, the person you know at the point that doesn't isn't driving and go back home. That's a nice, that's a nice evening. And that's basically what this is. Yeah, 100%.

I'm just gonna get a long distance delivery from Leicester. Yeah. I was gonna say, you made that same note, like we'll just be eating a curry online. That is my plan. Right. The theme for this next flat sheet is like, Tom, Ben, one of you two is gonna eat this curry online. That isn't a bad theme, it might be curry themes now, I think that might be a good idea. Well anyway, while we have a think about that enjoy this house meeting

I've had a thought I've got an issue I've got a question I want to ask you I want to talk I want a chat Okay, let's sit down and chew the fat What temperature should we set the heat? to the flat. What temperature should we set the heat to? Why on earth am I always weak? How stupid? Who went my bed while I was sleeping? What's the point? Does life have a mean? It occurs with the other day that the technology I've dreamt, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I've always been like fine with being large, but like within the space of like say two weeks, it really got away from me. I think that's right. Oh yeah. Yeah, that's it. It was like that's something going. Oh, and I got a bit nervous about it because I was like, oh, I'm actually,

that got, that happened really quickly. Yeah. But I think also it's a trick your body plays on you. I was gonna say if this can happen quickly, then just think of two weeks time, and then two weeks, like basically you're doubling in size. It gets exponential, doesn't it? Like your body plays a real trick on you, I think.

Well, it's the snowball effect and you are turning into a big snowman. Because you think, well, we'll let it go. It's the winter. I love a bit of that. I love an extra slice of bread at the end of my meals. You know, I was back to student washing up. You know, like washing up with a slice of bread and then eating a slice of bread, yeah.

Exactly, so like bread and butter. Bread and butter at the end of every meal I've just got back into that habit for no reason. You know, snacking away. I know, it's bad. I'm in that as well where you get to the end of a dinner. Like last night I had a big dinner, but I got to the end of it and I was like,

what else can I eat? Oh man. Just like mooching around the kitchen, you know, what else? It's gotta be something else here. Like I can snack on. And the exact same thing last night. And there isn't anything, because I've eaten it all.

That's the problem, I'm walking around. There's nothing else in the house I can eat. And then in the end, just to eat something, I think I went and had a couple of plain Jacob's crackers. You're like, why are you eating to plain Jacob's crackers? 15 minutes before you're going to get into bed. Why are you trying to eat three dry Jacob's cream crackers in a minute for 20 quid?

Why have you given yourself that challenge before bed? I did then have a donut without looking my lips. I don't know why, I don't know why, by the way, check out my YouTube channel. Little midnight treat, the cinnamon challenge. Yeah, of course. Oh, I got such a thirst. Ah, that.

I remember doing the, looking at eating donuts. We did it for a long time as kids. Every time we had a donut, it's like, right, try and eat it without legging your lips. And it took me about three years to twig on. I was like, we're completely ruining the treat of having a donut here every single time.

Yeah, you're punishing yourself. Just not enjoying it. but I could do it. Yeah. And now, now tragically, I never lit my lips on a meat and anything. It's the worst trick to have taught myself. Do you just forgot how to lick your lips? Do you think Kenneth Branagh's really good at that? He must be, because he's barely got any lips. His lips are so thin. They're all on the inside of his mouth.

Oh, maybe that's it. Maybe he's constantly hydrating the inside of his mouth. Do you think he was so good at licking his lips that he licked away quite a lot of his lips at an early age? Ha of that happened to a kid I went to primary school with, whereas he chewed his lips so much that they got massive. Oh wow, don't, didn't girls do that? To kind of give themselves plumped up roots. To bite your lips, to plump them up, I guess.

So I guess it's not a million miles away from sort of pinching the cheeks to make them look rosy. But yeah, he used to chew his lips kind of, as a sort of, I guess a sort of habitual tick he had. And they just got massive. They were really, they were really big. And I mean, they were luscious. You know, like when you would get, like wax lips or like, you know, the kind of lips you'd buy. So yeah, that's like a cartoon. They look like that. You know, they look like that. You know, they look like that, you know, they look like the Salvador Dali chair, the sofa. They were that. Yeah, very kissable.

He'd be comfortable on them. Didn't he get work? Didn't he get work with the Rolling Stones advertising their tours? He would stand at the back of the stage with a camera pointing at his gobb and just dangle his tongue out. He dand tongue out. But then you know what, here's the thing, Charlie Watts, ever the prankster, would feed him a doughnut. And he wouldn't be able to let you, he's had to have his, if he, because of course, if the tongue starts wagging all around it no longer becomes the iconic logo. So he'd feed him a doughnut and he'd be there, he'd be a doughnut and he'd just go, errrr, keep his tongue out of his mouth. That'd be a lot there, that was there on call for many years, wasn't it? No one was happy. I mean, you're shouting brown sugar, but how about a small amount of sugar all over some donuts? He's not licking that brown sugar racket. Come on. So there was a, just maybe think

of a story my mom told me when we were at junior school. Oh, yes. There was this boy in Beth's year and she said he'd borrowed his dad's razor to see what it felt like and shaved off his lips. That's what we're talking about. Shaved off his lips and like so we never went near dad's razor like the story worked. But surely now thinking about it, what must have happened is, he cut himself a little bit or something. But like the way he was told.

He nicked himself and it bled loads and it seemed really scary. But can I not tell to his horse? Can I not tell to his horse? Can I not tell to his horse? Can I not tell to his horse? Can I not tell to his horse? Can I not tell to his horse?

Can I not tell to his horse? Can I not tell to his horse? Can I not tell to his horse? Can I not tell to his horse? Can I not tell to his horse? Can I not tell to his horse? Can I not tell to his horse? Can I not tell to yourself. Also, what saved off his own lips? What are you spiting with that? You're spiting something massive. You're shaving off your lips despite your dad.

Yeah. To spite your lip. So, where were we? Yes, so there you go. There you go. Rapid escalation of weight gain. Oh yeah. And the problem with weight gain, is it gets to a position where you're like, you get to a position where it feels so, it feels, it starts to feel really right.

Yeah, it does. And you're like, great, here we go, this is me. Enjoy it. I'll just be this guy for a while. And that's dangerous. Because it's so it's really quite enjoyable, I think. But anyway, I've so I had to get back out running again. And so what what what kind of what where are you running? Because I don't know the area you live in. What are you get to run through, you know, the forests, do you get to run through, you know, the forests, do you get to run through fields, or are you doing sort of classic pavement running?

Down to the park and round the park three times. I'm a loop man. I need to do loops psychologically. I think you need to know how the distance you're running and not think about what you're running. So you get into a loop, you can switch off, start thinking the good thoughts when they get home. Here's my problem with the loop, is that you always get to the points where in a loop, in a couple loops time, or in a loops time, you get close to home again,

basically is what I'm saying. All right, so you do a loop and you're like, I'm at the point of life. I see, I've a tantalizing. I see, I've got a theory on this, that's lucky. My theory is the opposite, that it's better because if you're just running away from home, if you're just running indiscriminately and you're not doing a loop, I'm not indiscriminately, you're not like heading into traffic.

You're not, you're not blindfolded. He's running away from home, He's weaving all over the place. This guy's in trouble. There's a boy. I'm in my car. I'm drunk. No, so what you do is you're like, if you're running away, you're running constantly,

you're like the question that keeps on going to your head is, should I turn back now? Or when should I start heading back? Or should I turn around? Am I heading back now? It's like a constant conversation. whereas when you're in a loop, you have, you cheat yourself in 10 seconds, like you're approaching the bit where it's the end of your loop and you're like, I could go home now, I want to go home now, and then you're past that point really quickly and you're

like, well I can't now because I'm back on the other loop. So actually, the conversation of should I head home is much shorter and it's so much easier to just go, you're not going back mate and you're like, oh no, no, no, no, little thing of just running over the bit which could take you home. And then you go again, so that's why I'm a loop man. But he's what, so I'm on Strava, which is like Facebook for running. And the reason I'm on that is because like lots of my family are healthier than me and they're all on it. And so therefore like once you put yourself on it,

you've got to keep running as, you know, you get a text from your brother saying, you've dropped off. So, what I thought about the other day is my dream technology. It's obviously Strava knows when you're running the same loops and it gives you these things where it says, you've just run that loop fastest and you've run it before. Well done. So Dremppen, me and Clark used to play the Micro Machines computer game. I play

the Micro Machines computer game. We always play the Micro Machines computer game. It's going to be our Twitch million. But we still haven't quite worked out what Twitch is. That's not going answer. Our own is down from becoming Twitch millionaires. Is none of us know what Twitch is. Yes, and also we didn't get, we weren't inundated with people saying, oh yeah, definitely do that. No, one do, so I'd watch it.

And that was me, because I didn't understand what it was. Am I watching or am I playing or what? What is this? I'll watch it just so I can get the gist. And then I'll join in. I'll just hire only feedback, that's from Clark. That's still his approach to this podcast, isn't it?

He's still like, he will think we talk over it. He's not going to be committed. No, no, no, he's just, he's dipping his toe in the water. Has Beating. Can I have a lift, I live in the need. Has Beating. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes!

Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at in Lutford. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's a like theaters, December 15th. The best bit of micro machines is when you did your best lap and then you got to race against your shadow car.

And you you could see, you know, either your mates lap or your own lap. And you're racing, but your shadow car like this a lot. This is we are we are we are bet we're not two years away we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, You're AI, the head of the Transformers. This could be like your... This could be your peloton. Right, so then you basically, you get to race against the hologram of your previous runs. It's great, it's so good. You know, so you stick on to some glasses and there you are, and you can see yourself. Oh look, I started quicker this time, so I'm going to get ahead of myself.

And the technology is certainly there for that. And it's just like effectively, you get a mark, you know, you create like a little AI version of yourself. It's no different to like your Pokemon goes or that kind of stuff, but it's you yourself. And you know, and then you can start doing it. I don't know, in the supermarket and be like I just want to do I want the same shop he's I want the same shop when it running again You can't go say for example in the same breeze you do that feeling when you get in the supermarket and you're like You finish the shop and you go that wasn't a good as good a shop as last week shop that was sloppy And it's like yeah, it was like I was I had to go back.

I forgot that thing. I forgot that. I forgot that. Yeah, I forgot that. Whereas you're sticking last week's shop in your hologram eyes, and then you get to follow yourself around, getting it right again. Yeah.

You got a way. He's got holographic eyes. But even what about this? Because then you could have, you know the same way you can have a satnav that's got like different, like John Cleese doing Bazzle Faulty, doing your satnav. You could be like, okay, you wanna do the same shop.

Say, say, right, say for example, you arrive at a Tesco and they go, did you know this is also Richard Branson's branch at Tesco. Wanna do the same shoppers Richard Branson? Oh no I've all done island. Seven bottles of champagne please. Oh God. Maybe that is a bad idea because it works to the running. It works to the running. It doesn't work if you want to follow a syllabus around and buy the same stuff with them because yeah they're going to be buy more expensive stuff than you No, but what does that imagine he does a shopping Tesco, but you know, I like it. Not it's not him

No, but like Tesco does like a shop nav, right? That's what you do and so say you get to cantabry Tesco It goes do you know who lives in Tesco? It no not It says we'll all go to Tesco's where Parry gets his best clothes. I was saying, but it's... I was saying, but it's... So... The gigs up, by the way, because I said, I don't really know where you live, Parry.

Where'd you live? Trying to eat teas out of him, Parry. We didn't have it for sayings, but we know he'd been living in Tesco's mate. Look, the room is a true. Let's not go to Tesco's where Parry goes by the best guys. Let's all go to say nose Where Parry buys his chinos? Look the next line of that did you have this by the way? Did you have let's go to Tesco's where blah blah gets his best clothes? Did you have did you have that school? Have a second verse?

Sorry, go on, Clarky, yeah. Well, I didn't get it until Tom, so I didn't know about it in school, but he used to say it about, uh, uh, uh, I'm really, all the time. Well, when you're in, when you're in, like, your 20s. Yeah. That was when I got a board.

I had it for a long time. I thought it was something that Tom had just made up about. At my age. I think I was the one who started it. I was on the originator. Someone asked you. Someone asked you have written it. Of course, not really. But the second verse, which I never thought was good as the first.

They rarely are. If anything it was a little bit loud and a little bit worse. It was, let's all go to mother care, where Clarkie gets his groovy hair. I mean, if the hair is... I enjoy that. But I think the getting your clothes from Tesco's sort of makes sense, you know. I mean, I've brought some clothes from Tesco is sort of makes sense, you know, I mean I've bought some clothes from Tesco's and then you know, they're not bad, but they're not but they're not prider are they? They're not your best clothes. Well, no, but you're also one of the big round.

No, but you're two. What? I think I've got a holiday to Neckar Island. I better go and buy some, I better go and buy some slacks. What you forget about let's all go to Tesco's where blah, blah, blah is their best clothes. Is that was before supermarkets did clothing ranges. So you were doing it, it wasn't? It was.

It was a lot more of a diss kind of like back in the day when Tesco was chiefly a supermarket. Whereas now you get really good clothes in, you know, Asda, say no. George, asda is good. Yeah, great. Yeah, I think you're right. So, you're imagining somebody opening a packet of like bachelor's super noodles and like wearing that as a hat.

That's sort of what you're imagining, you know. I'm always imagining that. Of course you're imagining that. You've got your hologram eyes on. Burning light fire. What I thought you were going to say is you're imagining that. You've got your hologram eyes on. But then like fire. What I thought you were gonna say is you get to canterby test go and it's like, do you know

that Nigel Havers lives in Canterbury? And then you, right. And then you take a picture of him. You think of a good celeb. What's our problem? What's our problem? Right. I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you before I say Richard Branson, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you before I say, before I say Richard Branson, I'll tell you what my brain was doing. What was my brain going? For our classic go-to trendy modern celebs. Who was I thinking of? Eugene Toom's from my style. He hasn't got a problem reaching the top shelf.

I can tell you that. Get all. Everything's an aisle for Tumze. Stretch Armstrong over there. They didn't need to worry about opening late to say you could have a stroll around. He just came in through the letterbox. No, I was thinking of stormsy, of course. I was thinking of stormsy.

Of course, of course. Of course, if you get three white middle aged men to say a trendy person, of course. Of course, if you get three white middle-aged men to say a trendy person, Stormsy. Each branch of Tesco's will be allotted a local celebrity. Sure. And as you go into the store, you put a QR code, whatever they are, of your shopping list. If it's a QR code, it's like, it's going to stand in your Tox,

for your shops there. It's going to stand in your store. OK. Oh, now that's a shop. That's a key icon, it's like, it's going to stand in your Toxfing shops there. It's going to stand in your store. Okay. Oh, now that's a shop, that's a shop I'd do. I didn't know what I could. I think I could fit into Toxfing's clothes. So actually, that would be, if I could find it,

because I'm currently trying to buy myself a pair of trousers that aren't, that I mean, I can get the waist right, but I can't get the legs right. I've got to go to Toxfings. Have you tried shorts? I should just buy, buy adult shorts and wear them like normal trousers. God that'd be a really funny fit for you. I bet we can find a pair of shorts online that's big enough for you to wear as traitors. Yeah because people like it, you know,

the ankle swing is very popular nowadays. Yeah, it's sort of, you know, just a little bit off the ankle. I reckon I could just get a pair of skinny shorts that a tall guy could wear. Yeah, great idea. Speaking of snowballing, I'm in New Jeans today because my best, my best, that's what they call me. My best jeans, the old hole in the crotch opened up. That happens so quickly, doesn't it? Yeah. It was like a tiny little thing and then suddenly within like four days. Well also you've always got your finger.

You've always got your finger. You've got your mouth on for four days. Did you go to a disco in the middle of the town? And then they split. Is that? But the other thing with, the other thing with parry is that once you've got the hole, and I know about this, you worry it with the finger, don't you? It's like a wobbly tooth.

I've spent a lot of time at a desk and so like there was a lot of worrying going on. Yeah, there's something quite there isn't quite satisfying about working your finger through the hole in your jeans and just pressing one of your testicles and just thinking. just trying to be a little bit more focused. I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused. I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused. I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused. I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused. I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused. I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused. I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused. I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused.

I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused. I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused. I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused. I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused. I'm just trying to be a little bit more focused. You know those ass flat pajamas that were all the rage at Christmas One of those but that's like a little hatch like the Muppet babies used to wear Yeah, did you know like that was like there was like they were all the rage at Christmas like those kind of grandpa Joe pants From like like like someone in true grit would wear or something like that. Yeah, like an old prospect to would wear them. Like they were literally gonna...

Yeah, and weird, weird adverts where they were kind of advertised by like sexy ladies with the awesome jam. I don't know why they're advertised at U-Clock. You could surely have shirts with a little... A shirt with a little stringy pull and it just turns out... Just turned out the colours and I forgot... Little Oscar. I share it with a little string you pull, and it just turns out the colours. I've turned it over. Just a little bit. A little arse curtain.

I like that. I have to cut just the cover. You've got to pop your colour to avoid your arse popping up to say hello. So, yeah, so you were, so you were, they were, they were, that you could sort of,

I mean, what's the idea that you could go to the Lou and the Knight without taking your pants off? I think so. Or probably, probably some misguided sexiness as well, I guess. Oh, there's sort of pegging pants. Probably a play. You could be pegged. You could be pegged while... You could think pegged.

Well, it's... Because the problem is, you know, as three guys who love to peg and be pegged, it's two Chilean moments. It's three peggas, exactly. The three peggas was initially our first name. Papi's peggas. Lost Ross Peggos, yeah. It was...

We lost... We lost Ross Peggos. Yeah, we lost Ross Peggos. We were the three peegas and we would, if we'd come on stage wearing strap-ons and believe you me, it really turned heads. And the head would be the first three pegs. Strap-ons and pajama flap PJs, that's all we've heard. The ass flapper PJs. A head of the curve. So yeah, because it's not behind the curves. No, behind the curves.

Anyway, papi-pegging PJs would be a loss. Lost tross pegass, pegging PJs. It's not a bad idea, actually. It's not a bad idea. It's not a bad idea. Three Mexican men with those pegging P.J.s on. That's great. What we, the film behind that story would be a bit like

Kinky Rees. The film behind Wers. I could ask you, what's the film behind your pants, by the way? I see you wearing... I see you wearing my front pants, what's the story behind that? There's like a traditional pajamas shop in like booking them sure, and it's like we've sold respectable pajamas for hundreds of years And then on our stoz peg us arrive and we're like we've bought you out

We're gonna exclusively sell pegging pajamas. Yeah, and we win over the staff and make millions I think I don't think we need to turn us into a film. I think we make this our business plan Yeah, well part of the business plan is the film. It starts as a business plan and then Aaron Sorkin will do it. It's like, you know, you did it for Facebook, he'll do it for Peggy and Paggy. Yeah, yeah. I think Mark Zuckerberg started with the film first, I think I ever started it. He's like, tell you what, we really should turn this into a film before I've made it.

But yes, you were saying about the pecking bands. Well, I was literally just saying genes that have like a little flap, but in that kind of the area where the groin goes. The fly. So you can... You've got it, mate. No, it's below the fly. It's between the fly and the, you know, the ass.

You want a flying... You want a fly that goes beyond the perineum. That's what you're off. Yes. Oh hold on. Are you combined in the pegging idea here? Is it going to be a fly that zips right the way around? I want a flap. I want a flap. Or I want buttons positioned on a gene. So that when your favorite genes start to go in that vital groin area, you can button on a patch that makes you acceptable in the outside world.

But when you're at home, you can pop the flap and have a worry. Here's the thing. When you're at home, you don't even need to be wearing jeans, Tom. You can worry to your heart's content. No, but it's less pleasurable. It's the illicit, isn't it?

It's the illicit, it's the working of the finger in. I, it's for some reason, this is making me feel way more uncomfortable than the Peggy BJ's ever-dose. Those I'm fine with, but the worry hole. Oh dear. But anyway, we've digressed away from what is actually a really strong idea, which is every test goes because it's our own celebrity. You take

a QR code of your shop, it list, and then that local celebrity walks you round the shop in the most official way to get everything you need. So it's like your green beans are on the left, you start the green beans over there as you're oranges and like then you know because most test goes there's a little difference between each supermarket you go to. So a celebrity is going to have to go through literally every combination of everything in the shop. No it's a a deep fake, isn't it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, It's a bit like that where there were holograms driving trains and stuff like that. It's got that kind of vibe to it. In fact, you could go one step further, you could have, obviously, you could say, oh,

today Jamie Oliver's going to walk you around saying those or whatever, that would be one thing. It's just clarky. Exactly. Jamie Oliver's going to walk around Tesco, he's never going to turn right. Just looking at his shoulder. Well, don't look at his shoulder. Look above his shoulder, please. Come on, he's.

But his collar's popped. But then you go to different parts of the shop, and there are other celebs there. For example, there's Paul Newman with his salad dressings. There's Lloyd Grossman with his pasta sources. You know, Levi Roots has got reggae sauce. You know, yeah, yeah has got reggae sauce. You know, yeah, yeah, all of these people are there, right?

To talk you through, you know, wouldn't it be great if, you know, you're walking down the aisle, you get a tap on the shoulder, it sort of feels like a tap, you turn around, it's like, who would buy a pasta sauce like Wools? That would be good, it would be nice. Unless it's your wedding day. You're walking down the aisle tap on the shoulder. What do you do nearly, Vy?

That was a lot. Lovely stuff. Lovely, strong stuff. But anyway, and to finally get to the bottom of it, you race against yourself in the run, a hologram version of yourself, and then at the end of the run, you get to shake yourself by the last. The technology is nearly there. The technology is nearly there. That's what I was talking about. Normally you come with invention ideas and let's face it, they're dog shit. But this one. Wow, Clarky. That Queen's Broll is Clark. But this one. Whoa, Clarky. Like, what? Queensbury rules Clarky.

Come on, mate. Dog shit adventure was a really good idea. Dogs need to get rid of their waste. Why can't they? Why let them shit just like humans? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the mowari hole. It was the fact that Perry had to work it out with his finger. That's the key floor in your dog's ship plan. Yeah exactly. I've only got so many fingers. There are only so many dogs. Anyway, I think it's pure gold. Yeah, I think if you don't do it, somebody else. If you don't do it, it's a bad deal, it'll swim. But I haven't got the capabilities to do it and surely someone else is doing it already.

Well, the thing is, we've got an army of listeners, millions upon millions of people listening to this and probably one of them is an investor. Yeah. He's Branson listening. If Branson's listening, we've got other, we've got other millionaire listeners, or we've got other, you know, hungry scientists, you know, maybe they've just been kicked out of the lab because they're a bit unconventional. Get in touch with us.

Yeah, you said like Dominic Cummings now. Are you, are you looking at the odd board for a free finger? We are, we are, yeah, absolutely. If Dominic Cummings is listening, I know you need to job. Get back on board with us. By the way, have you heard back from GB News yet? How did that pitch go? Are they going to have us on?

How's B.D. B.D. What's the worst thing you've considered eating? How's B.D. Are there any of the instances outside of shopping or exercising where you would like a past version of yourself to help you out Cooking. Cooking.

Cooking. Absolutely. And anytime I've got a meal, because what you want to be able to, I mean this is where it gets into a creepy territory because what you want it to sort of be doing is constantly filming you and constantly monitoring you and then you can say save or bank or something like that at the end of a you know cooking a really good meal. You know when you get a bolognaise exactly right i did it the other night i got you know it was just the right amount of time on it. Everything sort of it felt like a meal rather than a selection of ingredients together. And I thought, if I could, at the end of that, I could have gone I got to say. Do you not been mixing your ingredients previously? No, that's, that's

pretty crucial to making a ball of nae. But you know what I mean? You're deconstructed, ball of nae. That's the first. There's a ball of onions. Yeah, my teeth first instruction. Get 15 pans. No, but here's the thing. Do you ever, do you ever make something and you go, this doesn't feel like a unit. It feels like a load of things in a bowl kind of semi happily co-existing. Do you ever get that after a cook in a meal? It's been entirely honest. No?

Really? I don't think so. But I think I just never considered that as a... I think when I get it right, everything feels like it's working, you know, as a team, whereas sometimes you go, you know, like, I can't put it any other way. It feels like you've got all of the things,

you've cooked all the things together, but they've never really clicked. There's no chemistry, you know, between the individual ingredients. I mean, I feel like, and I feel like that was not the case the other day with this, this bolinés I made. I was so happy with it. And if I had, if I'd known that I was being, you know, being recorded by sort of an Alexa or whatever or whatever the system is, and I could have gone, you know, Alexa, save that. And the next time I could have just got all of the timings

right, you know, I could just been, because I was sort of, you know, I was sort of, I was sort of basking it. I wasn't really paying, paying a tremendous amount of attention, you know, just to get it. This is where, this is where Strava's satisfying is, like it objectively will tell you, that was your best yet.

Well, you know, what you just did there, that was your best yet. So, that was your fastest five-kale, that was your fastest mile or whatever, yeah. That was your tastiest bolognese. Tell me like whatever, it'd be like, this objectively tells you, well done, you smash that,

that was your best sort of thing. Yeah, I guess, I guess Tasey's bottom is, is that's just down to you, isn't it? It's not like, it's not like strong. Largest poo I'd be up for, like if someone said, if when you went to the toilet, you're smart, if you're a smart toilet, it was like, that is your largest poo of the month,

you'd be like, it felt like it was and it is. It'd be like, quite satisfying to know that, do you know what I mean? I'm like, you've pooed loads today. I'm not that much of a time. I know when I've pooed loads, it's not like, it's not like, it's not like, it's not like, is that the other thing you're finding when you worry

into your jeans, popping a finger and going, oh, I've pooed loads today. It should change these jeans? How about then, for the kitchen? You have like a little like mouth, and then you can pop the food into the mouth. I have popped just a little sample of the food into the mouth. Is it the guy who crossed me used to go to school with?

Yeah, he started next to a hole and you kicked your wall. That's it, there's a bit, big set of lips there, and you pop the food in, and you can have different, like, different critics or different chefs, and they could, and it, I electronically, kind of monitors the food, and then it could be like, needs more salt. So you've got, but then, but no, no, no, no,

because that's, you've got your own mouth. Yeah, but if you've got your own mouth, I've got the problem crossbow. Yep, only you can take that away from you with a razor, barrage from your farm. No, but you've got, you've got your own gobb, you can taste and go, oh, that needs more salt. That's the thing you can do yourself.

However, the overall, like, you know, while I was making this, I wasn't writing down exact timings, I wasn't writing out exact amounts, I was just kind of, I was feeling my way, I had a couple of glasses of wine on the go, you know? Like, it was, yeah, yeah. I mean, maybe actually,

maybe actually you're proving the point in that that's what made it a good, that's what made it a good meal. I was having a nice time doing it, I was relaxed, I set myself low to time, wasn't rushing it, actually trying to follow exactly step by step the same way would not be, the pleasure of cooking is the experimentation. So maybe that's what it's maybe that's what it's removing. I think the good thing about your fastest run is it's just one

number, right? It's just one number you have to beat rather than a load of other factors. Whereas your best shop, shopping's a feeling, isn't it? Shopping's an emotion. Shopping's a feeling, that's something. Shopping's a feeling, I love it. Yeah, I think that's the same with cooking. Cookings are feeling. Shopping's a feeling, where does it end?

Does it go into like, you know, your best love making session? You can't do that. You best poo? I mean, I suppose the biggest poo, I think Perry had it exactly right there because that is a number. It's a number two. But it's a number. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a measurable. It's so big, it was a number three.

LAUGHTER How much for a big it was a double three. Yeah. Hahaha. Is shopping or cooking a feeling though? Or is it something you do? Hahaha. Hahaha. It could be both. It could be both. I think sometimes it's definitely something you do, but other times it's a feeling.

Hahaha. Hahaha. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I like it. I mean, I like it. It sounds great. I think it is. Sometimes you, you know, braze, but it's like you come, but you said yourself, sometimes you come out of the shop and go, I did well there. You know, that was right. I did it right. Yeah, there are a few different metrics you might be judging it on. Yeah, I don't

think it's, I don't think it's just all time you got out quickly. It's not just time. Oh, that's, but you know, then I suppose that's one of them. That's also true of running, isn't it? It's not just time. It's not just running faster and faster and faster. It's running better and more efficient. Sometimes when you win, you really lose. And sometimes when you lose, you really win. What's that from? What men can't jump? Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Does that light christmas? Ah. Ah. Ah.

We're springing in your air on your wedding, guys. It's not what you're all about. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Yeah, okay, okay. I'm also going to say, I think what we're describing is you can have feelings about the shopping you've just done. I do like the phrase shopping is a feeling. I think basically what we've managed to do today is start off with a really good invention and then come up with progressively better and better inventors.

How's meeting? Cold rain or hot snow? What is sleeping? How's meeting? There we go. I enjoyed that house meeting. I enjoyed that house meeting so much. Can I tell you something, by the way?

I've got an email here because Lewis has got in touch via Pappy's Flatshare at gmail.com. We'd love you to get in touch as well, guys. Please do. Yeah, any points. I'm going to read something out to you now. We always plug the Patreon and say, you know, get on board with the Patreon.

There's loads of extra stuff. Lewis has crunched the numbers. He said, greetings, Tom Ben Matthew and producer Emma, in order of the order in which you most often reveal yourself to the listeners dear. Hmm, reveal ourselves, what? I don't know, but anyway, I don't know, I mean, listen,

I may be actually, maybe he's trying to blackmail us. I have not read this properly. I'll do, yeah. Anyway, he says, from the distance, southern shores of Dunedin, New Zealand. Wow. How I'll Lewis from New Zealand. As a modern, digitally organized and childless Patreon subscriber, or Dork, if you will, I undertook recently to sort out my library of Pappy's material into folders

which separate the various strands you so dexterously weave into our ear canals. This fits into the very topic we were talking about on the house meeting. He's going to give you some stats, Perry. Oh, yes. He's going to give you some cold, hard stats. Great. The strident bombast of a flat-shear slam down is a wonderful thing, but for my palette needs to be in a separate serving than the Compton Womps of either a love-sex shag down or a big plate of bangers and mash. Now without me needing to disrespect your unique style of clustered-fuck branding, I consider there to be, that's a very good description of

the way which we promoted ourselves over the last 14 years. I consider there to be three main flavours of sweet, sweet puppies. Flat-sheast slam down, beef brothers cold cuts and all the other ones. I think that's fair isn't it? Flat-sheast slam down the panel show, beef brothers cold cuts as a guest, everything else is just the three of us napping on. The upshot of these, let's not go so far as to say wasted hours is that I can reveal to you that if I were to lose my job and girlfriend

and the ability to go to sleep, it will be possible for me to listen to six days, 13 hours and four minutes straight of unfettered Pappy's chat by way of Bangers in Mash, House meetings, Puff meetings, bonus beefs, bonus house meetings and flat share lockdowns. Wow. In a couple of months, that will be over a week.

So that's like, if you join the Patreon, you're obviously not the Bangers and Mash stuff, but you're topping us up to almost a week's worth of entertainment immediately for £4.50. Should I pop on the Patreon? Oh, sorry. No, he's he's he's he's he's he's carry it. I it's it's you need to go. No carry on. It's all right. It's like literally just another four or five paragraphs and we're done. And where was I? Yes. Should I fancy a very faintly? You could just start the start again, actually.

Yeah, you're right. It's good to hear it all. Greetings, Tom Ben, Matthew and producer Emmer, in order of the order in which you most often reveal yourself naturally. That's not really that big of a sit again. He says, Should I fancy a very faintly more formal athletic experience? I could immerse myself in one day in just under eight hours of pure beef brothers cold cuts. Now that's what I call beef immersion. Lastly, I could always turn to flat-sheast land down and it's associated bonus content or gateway puppies to give it

its street name, and drink in a not insignificant three days, 14 hours and 22 minutes of, and let's not be around the bush here, content. There's no punchline here, guys, no beef to solve, but for those with dino unconsciouses, you may as well be told about the 11 and a half days of material you've disseminated, and I sincerely hope nobody else out there has been mad enough to tot it up. Yours with eternal love, suspicion and regret, Lewis. PS, considering becoming an annual Patreon subscriber, but I'm concerned to see rumours that you intend to start paying Kharky. This is unacceptable and must not be permitted to come to pass.

Kharky's have had it too good for too long when people are going to wake up. Thank you Lewis. It's good call. I enjoyed that tremendously. It's amazing. Did you? Absolutely. I'm an outrageous parry.

You spend an entire episode going, I wish I had my stats. I love to know about my biggest poo. This is your biggest poo mate. This is a pile of shit of your own creation. Lewis has started out. That's seen in Jurassic Park, Parry. This is exactly that. And Lewis has, as Gillian McKeath through your feces,

and you can't even give him the time of day. Well, there you go, Lewis. There you go, but your work is highly appreciated at least by one of us, yeah. So if you want to get involved in all that content, join the Patreon, and help out with the Patreon community, it's lovely to have the Flatshare Lockdown podcast that runs alongside these ones. So hop on board and give it a listen. Comfort slash Pappy's Flatshare. Yes, today's episode was produced by Emma podcast that runs alongside these ones, so hop on board and give it a listen. Comforth slash Pappy's flat share.

Yes, today's episode was produced by Emmer Corsion. Yesterday's episode. Today's. Yesterday's. Yesterday's episode was produced by Emmer Corsion. Corsion TV. Cheers everyone. Bye.

Bye. Cheers everyone! Bye! Gather round folks and please be upstanding. I have a tale that will make you standing. Please be a past standing. Oh my gosh! Stand over there and stand a lot. It's the Patreon neighborhood watch roll call and I'll tell you now that I am standing Let me tell you, let me tell you now of a man who was long, his name was John, his name was John. Let me tell you of someone, his name was Ed Thompson. While there was once a riot and everyone in the town left the house and started looting, I got a camcorder to film some of the criminals and I found out one of them was

Hanna Bouton. After the riot I went to the pub and I ordered myself a pint of cider. Who should I see supping one in the corner? No none other then is the rider. Then in the pub. I filmed around my camcorder. Sorry. Ha ha ha. Then in the pub I played on the gamblers. A good luck. I hope you will wish me. And then I saw my friend, Scol.

Kabishli. Kabishli. I, he didn't realise that under my jacket I had my camcorder filming through my shirt. I caught him on the gamblers' trough and watched it back for my own entertainment. Then later on I drank through a straw and I filmed through a curtain, Edwin Shaw! Oh, when you filmed Edwin Shaw, I want to know just what you saw. The things you saw made you say fucking hell, and then I showed the video to Richard Picnell. Then I took the camera away and I gave it a long sniff

Then I gave it to my friend and his name was Ben Smith I couldn't film you sniffing my camera because you were holding it at the time under your nose I would like to get that camera back and learn of what it smells like. And then I want to film several people called Carl. That's right, a collection of Carl's. I'll film them good and then sell the bootleg DVD to Sam. He did two Sam skulls. Sam skulls is a lucky person for their going to get a video of some calls. How many calls will there be? I hope there's more than four or three. Will there be nine or will there be ten? Only one person knows and that's Harry when him. Then I will and take, I will, I will deal. Oh he will, don't you worry about that.

I assure you he will, use too bit to add. Well to you, I must yield and my friend Matthew pass field. I'm crouched in Matthew's room and I'm waiting with my camcorder I wanted to come in so I can fill him the only problem is it's very dark I wish that it could be bright I will have to ask my friend with a lamp come over here Stuart right Stuart Wright, please come here, dear Stuart our friend and light ourselves all through the night. You will help us to feel so good, and you will help us to feel so right, and then we will know the way, will know the way so true so right, and who will guide us with their lantern? Well, it must be Eleanor McNight. Ah, but the light is very dim.

Oh dear, what shall we do? How will we guide the way? When the light is so terribly scanned, Well, I must bring my friend Who always has a lamp lamp it's Kaylee Grant Hey everyone, I've got some fantastic news Netflix have just called and they've commissioned this video. They want to put it out as a new series They said the real deal breaker was the word scant that concludes today's Patreon neighborhood

It's scant! That concludes today's Patreon neighborhood Watch Roll Call and the CEO on Netflix I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot for her. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.