Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Spewber Ratings) S11E30

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

Matthew, Ben and Tom slide into your ear canal for a catch-up. The boys are back out on the town, but what a mess! Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to freedom at a lot for... It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters for December 15th.

Greetings, listener dear, and welcome to another episode of Pappy's Flatshare House Meeting. House Meeting. So as you can hear from the intro, no Tom on the intro, don't worry he's in. Thank the Lord for that. He's in the body of the episode. And the episode for that. Yeah, of course, of course. I think that is the perfect combo actually.

Which is good. Well let us get to the business, you know, unimpeded. Well, in which case, do you want to give the address people can send their beef to or tell us the pay the patriot? Oh, come on man. Look, unimpeded. I'm not going to get in the way of you saying those things. That's what I'm saying.

You're not going to stop the uninterrupted sentence that I'm going to speak without full stops just continually until we get to so enjoy the app. Exactly that. I'll just occasionally make a noise or laugh. Yeah, exactly. I know. I appreciate that. I don't necessarily have to say that Tom's not here because I got a message on Twitter where somebody said, you're doing those radio ads aren't you for COP26, you're doing the line about Sheffield on podcasts.

You know, like, Acast do like, drop that line right in and someone said a message saying, oh it's you doing that line about Sheffield, and I had no idea what they were talking about, and I was just listening to a podcast just before this. I was listening to Hollywood crime scene, and that advert popped up. I had listened to Pappies. No, I've already listened to Pappies

and the adverts. I hope I'll pop on it. Of course. It's all is forgiven. So, yeah, of course, I start the day, every day, by listening to our entire outputs. That's why we had to record this so late at night. It's because I've been up since one year.

And a week later. Yeah. Listening to everything we've ever done. But they sent me this message to say, it's you doing that line about Sheffield. The advert popped up on my podcast feed and it's you doing that line about Sheffield. The advert popped up on my podcast feed and it's Perry doing the line. What? Yeah, it's Tom doing the line about Sheffield. So it mixes up. Well, here's the thing. I said I said this guy a message back saying, actually, it's not me. It's Tom. And he went,

ah, thought I recognized it. I've got a good ear for these things, and I want to send him a message going, no you don't. Oh you fucking don't. You sound a bit like Tom. You've got a bad ear for these things. Because if somebody said, who's doing those, who's doing those, I channel four, I dense, is it Paul Hollywood?

And they go, no, no, no, actually it's Prue Leath. It just works with Paul Hollywood. You can't then go, no, actually it's Prue Leith. It just works with Paul Hollywood. And you can't then go, ah yes, yes. I've got a very good ear for these things. We are too different people. We are too different people. We are too different people.

We are too different people. We are too different people. We are too different people. We are too different people. We are too different people. We are too different people. We are too different people. We are too different people.

We are too different people. We are too different people. We are too different people. We are too different people. We are too different people. We are too different he was going, oh, I hate it when people use people with regional accents for adverts. That was what that was kind of the bigger complaint. It's like, well, I mean, technically everyone has a regional accent because everyone comes from a region. But I think, you know, I wouldn't be able to go, I wouldn't be able to put strong regional accents on my voice over CV. Would I?

Absolutely. Not naturally. No. No, no, no, of course you could do one. Or can do a war over home to an ex-synth, and you know, and you know what if anybody don't forget that C.O.P.26 is just the corner and you should go to Sheffield for some reason or rather. Wait a second, you told me Tom wasn't doing this in front. Okay, you're not going to believe it. That was me. Oh, come on.

Come on now. Choose kidding. It was actually Tom Perri. Here he is now. Don't trust these South African in places, that isn't it? It is a little bit. Yeah, I don't know why. I don't know why.

Those fucking prawns. Those fucking prawns. District 9 has moved to Dudley. So anyway, look at them fucking prawns. That's good. You can do it. I mean, of course you can. Yeah, yeah, man.

I'm probably... I tell you what, Clarky, you've got a skill, man. The skill is talking in your own voice. You've got it. So yeah, it's a fun house meeting. We recorded this a couple of weeks ago. So when we say a fun house meeting, what we mean is no idea what we talked about. Yeah. Who bloody knows? Who knows? I mean, you know what, when you get to the end of it, you probably still won't know. That's just the way it goes with these

things. But as always, if you enjoy the work we're putting out, and we, let's just say this now, we love putting it out, but we do all of these episodes for free. You get them absolutely for free. Sure, you've got to wade through Tom Perry doing an advert for COP26. But that's neither here nor there.

The actual content of the advert we give to you for free. So if you'd like to give a little back, if you enjoy our podcast, then join the Patreon because for the little you give, you get a hell of a lot in return. Oh my God, you get so much. So much stuff. You know, that's, yeah, some people have said it.

The reason I've not joined the Patreon, people have said it's like, I don't want all that, I don't want that much stuff. If you're offering like two or three extra episodes, that would be fine. But 200, no thank you. Yeah, you can, you can, you can wade through those, they are, they're all good fun.

And yeah, we're keeping putting those out. So as soon as you join, if you join four quid and above, as soon as you join, you get those bonus episodes straight away and you get new episodes every week. I've got to say as well, particular highlight of mine is always the love, sex, shag, down, which I think you've never heard. Just subscribe for a month, just to hear some of the absolute rot that goes on, the absolute filth that some of our listeners get up to? Well, this is it. It's become quite a sort of, it's a saucy podcaster, or that was the idea, is to sort of get out the sort of saucy aspects of our incredibly

sexually-enthained personalities. You know, there's gotta be, like, you know, like the bit on a, on a trombone, there's gotta be a little tap to let the gunk out. And that is, that's a lot of sex shag down. It's a down. It's a little spit valve. It's a little pure dribble. A spit valve for grott and grumble. But the correspondence we get to that, it's like, you know, it's like the penthouse letters. It really is. It's people telling us what they get up to. It's pure, it's gold and giz.

And let it go. Golden giz fills your eyes. I know you're gonna. Friends awake when you rise. Right, and you've got to carry that weight clocky a long time. I really am. And honestly, I must say again, what an absolute pleasure to be unimpeded by

Tawin, this is true. It's been so pithy, we've really glided straight through. Okay folks, let's just get on with the episode. We'll see you on the other side where we've got some fun emails, not that sourcing but emails, nevertheless So, enjoyed this house meeting with starring, star of voice over himself, Mr. Tom Perry. I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want a chat. Okay, let's sit down and chew the flat.

How's meeting? What temperature should we set the heat? Hasbeatin'. Why on earth am I always weak? Hasbeatin'. Who went my bed while I was sleepin'? Hasbeatin'. What's the point?

Does life have a me? Hasbeatin'. So, I went to a party the other day. Oh, yes. Yeah. It was pretty good. Oh, yes. Yeah. It was pretty good. It was pretty good fun.

But obviously we're in a situation now where, because we have a baby, not so much a baby anymore, because we have a kid. We can't always rely on parents for babysitting. And so sometimes we have to sort of, you know, one of us can go to a thing and the other one doesn't. And it was my turn to go to the thing. But Pachali said to me,

can you like come back with, like sort of the goss of the night, right? Yeah. And now this is a thing that, like, happens, I mean, it normally happens after the event, doesn't it? Where you get back from a thing, and the next day, you know, someone says to you,

oh, what happened at that thing? What did you talk about? And then you go, ah, I don't know. Just got, I've got know. I've got no, I've got no clue. I don't know what we talked about. Or they ask you a question that a polite person would have asked the people that they'd spoken to at the party. You know, they go, oh, so how's blah, blah, blah's new job? And you go, well, I just didn't, I didn't ask them about that. I didn't talk about that. What did you talk about?

I don't know. I've got, I've got, like, you know. I think, are they still with their partner? I don't know. I never came up. How did you, how did you were there? You were out for four hours. Yeah, I do know, just, I don't know.

So, what I did, and I think I might start doing this after every party, I was in the Uber home. I ran the party back. I played it back to myself and wrote down everything I'd said everyone's broken to in order what we talked about. And is that what this podcast is going to you're going to go through it now? I'm not going to go through it. It's private business.

I'm just saying it's my new system and it's saying, it's my new system. And it's, and I've got a new system for a party log, exactly. You're effectively, it's kind of like what the old, what an old fashioned diarist would have done. Like, you know, it's like a society diarist. Like, pale in, it's like peeps, it's like people who you go out, you, and then on the way home,

you jot it down and you write it up. Well, I'm not writing it up, but EPs... No. What do you say? Do you need the loop lucky? Because if you want, you can stop the recording any minute. Lucky we told you, if you do need to go and go for a PPP, just put your hand up and say PPP, and that's fine. So your PPs flat share slam down, is that what you're going for?. and that's fine. So your P.P. flat share slum down is not going to go cool? Yeah, that's why I was trying to kind of go for, yeah.

Well it's house meeting anyway. So yeah, plucky. So try and stay focused. Come on, come on, come on, sorry. It just has just been P.P. But yeah, so that's my new party system. What do you make of that? It's pretty good actually, because I quite often get, you know, like, I quite often get

asked from Megan about, you know, what's the gossip, what's going on. Yeah. I'm so bad. It's so embarrassing when she spends time with my friends and get some like, oh well, what about the, you know, their new job, what about this and that? And I'm like, oh, I didn't know any of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you could say that like, we're, are you laughing at the fact that that's exactly what I just said. I was gonna say, yeah, I was gonna say, yeah, maybe because you're not a good what I just said. I was going to say that. Yeah, I was going to say that. Maybe because you're not a good list at all. Because I literally looked exactly like you. I could see, I was thinking, do I mention that?

I've literally just said that thing, but no. It felt slightly different in my head, but it didn't come out of my mouth. No, no. To the point where you use the exact same example that I use. Which was. And I have a similar thing, because sometimes I'll get back from a part of Jane will say, how so and so, how's their new job? And I'll be like, I haven't even asked them about that.

It's not, I haven't asked them. It's like, I've no knowledge that they've haven't you got or anything. No, no, yeah, I don't think I've done it. It's been anyway, anyway, you're like Clarky. But what effect would be happened there was you heard, you heard my, but you know what, that's fine because I do the same thing. I do the same thing.

I hear people's points, I repeat them back to them and say different words. What you did was you circumnavigated the state of different words a bit. I'll be this is the exact thing. It's more direct. Yeah, exactly. It's the state of different words bit. I think this is more direct. Yeah exactly. The same thing I'm doing after I have a conversation with someone I write down all of it on the way home.

I wonder why you're writing immediately after I just think I started talking. Well this is what I was going to say cross-bite. Do you not think now as a society we're doing that like, it's almost like we do that live anyway. Like everyone's so like responsive to like if something happens or with like photos and tweets and Instagram and if it's like, I'm glad you brought in tweets and Instagram there because because with photos, since the advent of the photo, you know, bloody hell, everything's being recorded these days Tom wait. You see what I call videos. They're moving photos It's going to blow your mind listen when I was walking home within a brass rubbing of everything people said today

Just so I know who's got a new job But like you know just like You know like like obviously you know, like, like, obviously that thing of like things being logged. It happens anyway, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. If someone doesn't come to a party, you can say, just look on everyone's Instagram mate.

No, but that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a cooked book though, isn't it? That's not what you want. You don't want the Instagram version of the party. You want the bit where you can literally say I was you know It also makes it makes it feel Better for the person you go. It's peaks and troughs a party Quite a lot of the time I was talking to Clarky about his new job Well, he's the thing I told him I had a new job and then he told me he had a new job And when I said what's your new job. Well, he's the thing. I told him I had a new job, and then he'd told me he had a new job.

And when I said, what's your new job? He looked utterly confused. He just said, what's your new job back to me? It's Clarkie Amira. I'll be your Clarkie. I fall down on that whenever I go to a wedding and I see my mom and she goes, what was the dress like? And have you got a picture of the dress?

And I have no recollection of that and she always tells me off for that. That's where Instagram is your friend, though. That's, you know, something like that. That's easy to find that information because there's always people taking photographs unless there's a social media embargo at the party. People are always taking photographs and uploading them straight away. That's an easy one to deal with.

It's when it's the content of people's souls. That's the tricky one that you're supposed to be drawing. You know, the party that's coming down people's soul. I'm trying to get worse. The soul blogger. I'm clearly not, that's the problem, clearly not. You know, I'm just talking about, you know. So this stuff that you wrote down,

is the thing I wanted to ask you. Yeah. Did anyone have a new job? Yeah. That's me, D. D. D. Go to impressions.

Let's hear bleeding. I see it. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. D. I see it! Meh-eh-eh. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot for... It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that.

Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15th. How objective were you being? Were you logging down? This person told me that, this person told me that. Were you writing down? So and so seen off. Oh, oh.

Thingy is a bit tired. I'm not sure thingy and thingy, they might have lost the spark. Blahblah's definitely into blabla. Is it more like a carry from sex in the song? No, I didn't do any of that. I recorded, no, I can say to be the facts, and then I would fill in the color

when I was telling it back to Charlie. That's what I was hoping. So I've got the list here actually, I can talk you through you can change the names well Yeah, okay This is what I'm talking about when I'm not talking about people's feelings Blanken blank Sean Kevenie's salary Right, so it's two I was me and two other people we spent 25 minutes discussing what we thought Sean Kevenie's salary was

Was blank Sean Keveni there? It's Keveni was one of them, yeah. It's just been a nice... It's just been a nice... Well, this is it, but we weren't going to check our phones immediately. We were going to play a little bit of higher or lower. But yeah, so the person whose party it was, his new house and watching videos of scammers on YouTube. You did that, are you talked about that?

He was talking, he said, what do you like to watch on YouTube? Actually, when you put it like this, it sounds like a bad party. Oh, you're so great. It does, it's like, but I think that's a good thing. That's a good thing as well, because it means that the person you're relaying it back to goes, oh, actually, I don't miss it as much as I did.

The thing is, recanting, whenever I go, say if I go on a stag yeah, I come back And like my partner's always just like desperate for the details like absolutely thrives on To talk me through it and I just go it was great And that but because like it isn't fun Recounting what's fun on a stag and the things that it's never gonna sound fun, it's gonna sound, it is gonna sound lame,

it's gonna sound or like, but like, it's, you know, I don't think there aren't many parties that on paper are gonna sound good. No. I mean, this is, you're right, when I look back over this now, another person, Uber Ratings and Kylie Minogue. Don't mind that actually, that is starting to sound a bit more...

That was later, that's the fourth from bottom thing. Once you've loosened up. Once you've loosened up a little bit. Did you reckon here's got the highest Uber rating? Was it Kylie Minogue's Uber rating? You know what? I bet it is. Is that what you were discussing?

No, there were two separate topics. We never merged the two. I wish we had. Kylie Minogue's not getting Uber's. There's no way. She's got an unadisonally account, definitely. But, Go on, Clark, let's answer Clark's question. Who's got the best Uber rating here? Who's got an unadisoned leo account, definitely. But um, go on, Clark, let's answer Clarkie's

question. Who's got the best Uber rating here? Who's got the best Uber rating? Oh, um, I'm gonna say I reckon Crosby always tips. No, I reckon I do always tip, but I haven't got a great Uber rating. I reckon Clarkie, Clarkie takes more ubers. Alright. I reckon you take more ubers than me. But then the law of average is that probably means the ratings coming down, isn't it? Yeah, but you're probably taking more ubers more recently. What are we reckon about Paz? Pary.

I reckon he's got a good uber rating, I bet he's chattie. Yeah. I don't mind telling you, I'm happy to pass the blame here. I have a very erratic wife, when drunk, and I feel like she's dented my averages. Ha ha ha ha ha. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely,

it's always great. Because power is very consistent when you drunk. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha but I don't spewing ubers or have to get out. I don't. I haven't been drunk and I can someone's car for like 20 years or something. It's like, you know, so actually I don't black out. So I know how I got home and I'm normally very chatty to the uber guys. Like, honestly, like, I actually felt like I was doing really well and then along came Wixie and I feel like it's got a little bit more sporadic a bit more erratic sorry, but like in a fun way

That's what I'm gonna that's what I'm gonna say my Uber rating is did I did I tell you about... I'm passing the book. The last time I took a taxi and I spewed. No! Here we go. Oh, well, this is good information if we're going to try and work it. It's got the highest Uber rating. It was really bad. What happened?

I was so drunk. I don't know how... I don't know how it happened. Went, went, went, talked to, I got a full size of it. Yeah. To a, a, a, a, PN of Eliscio. Fantastic. Yeah, it was last night.

Right, of course. Let's, let's have some drinks. Yeah, it's dangerous, the so-and-the-us, because you, you can stay very late, it doesn't kick out 11. That wasn't it, now also there's that, that under, underground bar dangerous the so-and-the-it's just because you can stay very late, it doesn't kick out at 11. That was it, now also there's that underground bar around the corner. And he was like, I've got a table there, let's go there. I want to point it. I want to see what's he working on at the moment as he got a new job coming up, really.

I'm tragically Tom, I never asked. That's the point I was trying to make. It's a really good one. Oh yeah, gone. But I got, so I got into the cab on my own and I got, I was like, oh no, I feel like I'm going to be sick. And then my little kind of inner monologue was like, oh no, I feel like I'm gonna be sick. And then my little inner monologue was like, you won't be sick, because I'm very rarely sick. Normally happens to me. So I was like, you sometimes feel like this, you're not gonna be sick.

And then by the point, the time I knew I was going to, it was too late. Like I couldn't say, like, can you stop? It was just gonna happen. Oh no. And I felt very bad about doing that. So I didn't want to be sick on the cab. So what I did was I slid down in my seat. So I was definitely going to and like put my chin to my chest.

So I was definitely just like going to spew on to myself. Oh, okay. Okay, you did that. I mean that's... Okay, so you'd go for the window. No. No, because then it's down the side of his cab, isn't it? Yeah, and also that much movement, I'm spewing on root.

Yeah, it's dangerous. I think that's... So it was either like I spew on root. Yeah. It's dangerous. I think that's... So it was either like, I spew forward away from myself. And you didn't have a bag with you or something like that? No. No. But, but, usually, when I got out

and he'd had a little go at me and I'd clean the reminence up and he'd charged me, he then gave me a plastic bag Thanks as the thought I could do about Did you not pop your clothes in a walk-home topless? Oh? No, he we can we can he completed the journey. Oh good for him, but did it not like It's not did not yeah, did not really smell bad. Yeah, I've no idea.

It did seem strange. I did he charge you like an extra, did he say like, oh that's 50 quid for, three. Yeah, it cost me. It cost me, it wasn't as much as 50 quid, but it did cost me. But I got very little of it on the cab. Were you saying this to him as you were there

covered in your own mind off? Cause he was kind of having a go at me and I was like well I'll look what he wasn't on the table with me but he was like look and I was like no I'm sorry it's like well what are you going to do that's like I don't know what I can do you can charge me and he was like but look because there was someone the floor and it wasn't a carpeted floor it's like, but look, because there was someone on the floor, and it wasn't a carpeted floor, it was like a cab floor. And I was like, well, have you got anything to clean it with? So you gave me some tissues. So I cleaned the cab. And then he charged me and then gave me a blanket back. And then a lift home. It was a sorry night.

That is really, yeah, that's bad news, Clark. And this was like, so this was like two weeks ago. Yeah, more than that. That's really, yeah, that's bad news, Clarky. And this was like, so this was like two weeks ago. Yeah, more than that. You were a ratings toast, right? But you know, yeah, this is it. But the problem is as well, Clarky, you're out of the game. Now lockdowns easing, you know, you're not match fit. I really not.

You know, and I thought I would be, because I'm not solidly through, I'm not. Yeah. I kind of had it in my head. I was like, yeah, man, I can take it all. Yeah, but how often when you were drinking at home, did you then go and ride around in a car? You know, this is, you've got to think about it. You're not, you're not match fit.

That journey home when you're a bit squiff when you go, all right, I've got to shut my eyes now because the motion's going to make me, you know, all of the little tricks that they're gone. You could have shut your eyes and stopped it. Instead, you put your chin to your chest and from down your jumper. And you thought, at the time, I'm doing something brilliant here. That's what you also thought, you know,

if I curve the jump up at the bottom, make a little sort of ski jump a bit, then I'm actually doing this guy a huge favor. Room the top as well. Unsurping. Oh, I don't doubt it. I don't doubt it. What would you have done, do you think? Just gone from the cab.

I mean, it's been a while. I would say, I think I'd have to say, I mean, there was not enough time to say, please pull over. Is that what you're saying? No, you couldn't. That was impossible. The words would have followed with spew, anything. It was that way.

It's head out the window. It's good. Yeah, I think I'd go ahead out the window. Head out the window. I was once with... I mean, it makes sense. I was once with somebody in a taxi where they opened, like, they waited till we stopped to traffic lights, opened the door, pavement side, puked, shut the door, off we drove,

dingas, but on the cab. Amazing. That's right. It was really, really, it was so impressive. I got off with them. And that was really, really, really, really skillful. Yeah, I've got to jot this down. Charlie's going to be amazed by this piece of information.

Shall we, shall we, shall we do it? We should, we should dive into, dive into the app. So, Clarky, you're gonna have a, you're gonna have a bad rating, aren't you? It's gonna be bad, right? Oh, well, I'll tell you this. I don't think it was an Uber. Oh, right, oh.

I think it was a normal type, so. You spotted an Uber. I think if it was an Uber. And then spewed into it. I think it was an Uber. Your, your, your, your brain would have stopped you. Your brain would have gone, you can't spew in this. You can't spew in this, you can't spew in your rating. The right.

The right. The right. My rating. I think I've deleted Uber. Whoa. Oh my God. What a twist. I deleted you because you're teased our rating mate. What was it? Me. Yeah, I think I have, yeah.

I mean, what's the thinking behind deleting Uber? I just don't use it very much. I mean, what's the thinking behind deleting Uber? I just don't use it very much. I mean, yeah. It's pretty thin. Not a bad reason. That's been a while. If you got yours, shall I do mine?

I'll do mine and you can redambo the app. Okay, here we go. Not great, really, when you think about it and the grand scheme of things, 4.78. Oh, that's pretty high, is it? Is it? I've never thought, yeah. Because...

When you said not great, I thought you were gonna go, you know, because... Because... No, no, no, no, no, never, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, think... Well, if you drop below a certain number, and it's quite a high number, you're not allowed to drive anymore. What? Yeah.

And so you've got to keep your rating high, and also your rating, I think, is only based on, it's not all time, it's only based on the last three months. So... Oh, interesting. So you can't sort of go, you can't start brilliantly and get yourself like a solid five and then chip away at it. You've got to consistently be delivering that five star service

because they're sort of resetting every five months. Right, Perry, what about you? 4.7. 4.7, you see that's good. For someone who's not really using it, that's good. Naclarkey, what are you gonna be? 4.82. What?

The puke. And I didn't, I'm a charming puke. You know, on your birthday, when I did it on myself. You know that on your birthday, when that guy gave us three stars, we'll give me three stars. Do you remember that?

No. No, no, because you got out by that stage, of course, you got out of your house. It was after your birthday. We just done a flat-sheast fan down with Laura and Tom Allen. It was that one at the other belly for your birthday. Oh, yes.

We eaten the column of the caterpillar cake and had a few drinks. Lently. And then I, for your birthday birthday got you an Uber home. That was my, my presents to you that year. I'm got your birthday present. Do you want an Uber home? My treat.

And as I was getting out, I saw the guy giving me a three star rating. And I said to him, what, what, three star, I mean, this is, you know, why is that, I thought, what did I do? That was a three stars. I mean this is, you know, why is that I thought, what did I do that was a three stars? And he went, we just checked, you made the entire time, he didn't make it fun for me. It's very much not the service, is it? If you were paying me, as well as me paying you, if we were exchanging money, you know, rather than just me giving money to you, then it's just, sure, I can, you know, rather than just me giving money to you, then it's sure. I can happily... I'll defeat you with my gold.

Well, that's what Keith Leighen... LAUGHTER ...although that said, when I was doing my gold up at the end of the festival, I was consistently getting three star reviews, so maybe he was right. Maybe he was right. LAUGHTER ...those elusive four and fives. Hard to come by. But, uh... But yeah, you've got it, man.

So I'm on bottom of the Uber League. Yeah, but for me, I think I'm bottom of the Uber League. Because you're out of the game, you've deleted Uber. You've rejected them, right? It doesn't matter what your rating is. It wasn't even on your phone yet to re-upload it to get it I am still in the game. I've been having I was only with this weekend and I'm still Language it well you were you're on time spent all your time writing stuff down

I'm making fun for them. I was reading out some of the things I was talking about you know Yeah, that's not gonna help you're writing me come on everyone wants to talk about the unbalance of the things I was talking about, you know? Yeah, that's not going to help you right in me. Come on, everyone wants to talk about the unbalance of the grammar school system. Here's a, I've got a suggestion for you, Crosby, that might be more interesting than your current method. Oh yeah, I'm always about new things. What about you wear a wire? Oh, yes. Because that would be off the scale fun for you yeah, and then

You know like Charlie gets it kind of the unfiltered kind of experience Oh, man, I don't know about that morally It's only between him and his wife Yeah, but no you the driver the driver. On the way out. Yeah, but if I met a party with Cosby and he was wearing a wife, if he's... If he's a car, he's telling me, and good faith about his new job. Well, this is not a fact he wants to advertise to everybody in the world. He's got this brand new job.

He's all excited about it. He's a proper driver. Yeah, wearing a wire, it's not a bad idea and it's a right idea but I mean I think I'd be annoyed if I found out. Clarke, every conversation I have with you has been recorded and put out to the public. So I don't know why you're... I don't know why you're... You fucking what?

Clarke, take a look in front of you, see that wire that's going into that can that you're talking into. That's the one. You're wearing a wire. Yeah, I like it. That's the, you know, obviously, that's the whole thing about wearing a wire is people don't find out. You don't, that's the point, you know.

You get that real genuine buzz, you get to ask leading questions, you get to, and actually then what happens then is the person staying at home gets to set like little assignments, like you need to get somebody to, and then you'll win points or whatever it is. With the cuddle stick. Yeah, wait. So what you really want my life to be is like an episode of In Practical Jokers.

He's up here saying, the Charlie's sat at home with, you know, talking to a microphone, and I've got an earpiece. And it's like suddenly I'm walking around the party, you know, clocking like a chicken. For a... Whoa.

Crossbeast fun all of a sudden. Basically, we try to get you to improve your game at parties, Crossbeast. That's what that's where this conversation is going. I think this makes a lot of sense, actually. Because when I pick back through the... And I'm not going to lie, a lot of these topics were instigated by me. YouTube videos about scammers. I mean, come on, make it on the coffee table and give us your

chicken impression. This is what I should be doing. Yeah. I mean the wire is a, the only thing with the wire is everyone in a TV show that's wearing a wire becomes incredibly nervy, don't they? Like that's the thing, that's the giveaway, isn't it? That they're wearing a wire. Is it they start sort of sweating profusely? Well, I mean, yeah. You know, twitching. I mean, after so many drinks.

Yeah. Sweating, twitching, puking all over your side. I'm like, are you wearing a wire at PN of Ellie's show? Did you bootleg PN of Ellie's, did you get it? Did you get it? That's how this episode's going to end, we're going to put it. Yeah, we're going to put the whole of PN of Ellie's Edinburgh show out. Halt, be dead!

I live in a house made of iron sheets. Halt, be dead! I always find, whenever you're watching any of those films or like they're the worst like the informant being an informant I can't even begin to imagine how Horrible what would yeah like a struggle to watch them. Yeah, the worst bit is when You know the guys in the van go okay, we got him in you. And the guys all come in and take away the cream

and the guy sitting there with the wire is just having to look away. You know, the guy's like, why'd you do this to me, Donnie? Why, I thought we were brothers, Donnie, why'd you do this to me, Donnie? You know, why'd you, oh, you're writing me out, Donnie? You know, like, and it's always like,

it's never like, I'm gonna kill you. It's always like, you've broken my heart. And I think that's the... That's the word. That's what it's like when your parents are disappointed in you. Yeah. Now now, I'm not gonna kill you. You're just disappointed in you.

But I will say this. Come on, kill me. I was gonna say, it does normally come with them killing them as well. You know, we should say it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you've broken my heart. I'm saying I'm gonna kill you. And I'm also putting down I'm going to kill you.

And I'm also putting down the plastic sheathing. Yeah. But that's, you know, like, that's like Clarkie getting to an Uber, put down the plastic sheathing. Oh, I found this. You're going to be so disappointed in me. And you're going to want to kill me.

But not give me a bad rating it turns out. Still charming when I do it, man. Is that what they're rating? Oh yeah definitely. Personality. Personality well. Why do you mean it can't be cross? There are no but like the quality of your... Maybe because I think there is... It's not a fucking chance in hell. I think there is an element to... maybe I'm being insane when I think this. I think there's an element to some Uber drivers do want a fun chat. Or if they get a fun chat, you're like, you're going to get a better rating.

I mean, Harry, you said it yourself. You said you're, you know, you said your chat and you think that's the secret to having a nice rating. But ask them at least a few questions. I mean, I've had some great chats with Uber drivers. Exactly. You've got to ask them a few questions. I mean I've had some great chats with Uber drivers. Exactly. You've got to ask them a few questions. You see I'm actually quite quiet. Here we go you see no maybe this is what they actually this is this is we see where we find out what they really want. They want you to be sat in the back just breathing through your nose. It's quite really hard holding you trating on not spewing holding a jump over your head

Yeah, do you think that's what it is like Do they sit like because sometimes when I've got a very chatty driver and I'm knackered I go oh god I'm gonna have to get through this now because I often end up taking ubers You know to work either very early in the morning or from work very, very late at night. And... I'm stuck. I don't know what I'm mentioning,

but I have got a funny, did Clark not tell you? I've been telling about it for weeks. I'm decorating his flat. So yeah, if I am knackered and I'm stone cold sober, then all I wanna do is just sit in peace and quiet, maybe even have a little bit of a kip. Yeah.

But if someone gets into the back of the Uber and falls asleep, what's an Uber driver rating you? What are they giving you? I've got a good idea. What are they giving you for that? If you're, that's the case. Why don't you get in and say, listen mate, stick on a flat share, stick on a flat share house meeting for me with you, right?

Right. You know, your own podcast. Play your own podcast for it, and then he's getting all the conversation. He's listening to you chat away, but you can have a little rest in the back. I can't play this episode, because he's going to go, oh, you are are your mates with the bloke you put in Terry's car. Oh Yeah, oh yeah, like no you you firstly one star rating secondly you can get out of walk the rest of the way These are the people you're driving with it He was charming with it nothing. He is the charming puke

Always said that about Clarky, the gentleman's spua. It's my party trip. Make a lot of it. Spuing into different parts of his own clothing. Like a magic trick, really. Spuing down his sleeve. Ta-da! Top pocket, spwing it to that, you know, many times, the only way you can tell he's actually puke is because of the gentle squelching as

he gets out of the cab and the sort of... It's all the greatest guy, he's actually... Exactly, he takes it out of... Thank you, Dennis, for his leg away all the way into his sock. I've said it once before but it bears a repeat. I've said it. Oh baby. Well well well. What an app.

All those things that we talked about, those topics that we covered. Interesting, funny, at sometimes scary I imagine. Absolutely informative, heartbreaking. You know. interesting, funny, sometimes scary, I imagine. Absolutely informative, heart breaking. You know, we run the gamut here at Papi's Flaxha House meeting. I've got this message, I've forgotten we'd opened up this topic of conversation, but times you've nearly died whilst listening to this podcast.

What? Do you remember this? No, I remember him. Do you remember anything? Well, I can't remember where it started. But I remember the last bit of it was, we got a message from somebody who didn't any drowned in milk. Oh, yes, I do remember that.

Well, here we go. Another message here from my dear friend Sarah, who got in touch via, when I was, was it beef brothers pod? It was, it was, it was, papys flat share at gmail.com. So again, it's a fine way to get in touch. Papys flat share at gmail.com.

Sarah writes, hi everyone. Having just listened to July 13th episode, Puppets, it reminded me of the time I almost died listening to Pappies. In 2016, I borrowed my housemates bike bike to cycle to my local Sainsbury's. I was laughing so hard at an episode that tears were running down my face and I couldn't catch my breath. It was great. Until I laughed so hard, I fell off the bike at full speed. No, Sarah! The bike was fine, some shopping was dented, and I was black and blue. When I recommend Papi's to people now, I say, it's so funny, it made me fall off a bike,

a ringing endorsement. The ringing was the bike balance, nothing to do with us. I was like, the ringing in your ears after that. You're a cute concussion. I, well, she's very, I'm sure. I also had, I don't know if you could call of that anymore, but sure. I also had someone move away from me on a Ryan Air flight, as I was laughing so hard, I couldn't know if you could call it that anymore, but sure. I also had someone move away from me

on a Ryan Air flight as I was laughing so hard. I couldn't bleed, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. I was laughing so hard. I was bleeding out my ass. Tell her the blub, quick, tell her the joke. It's laughing so hard, I couldn't breathe. And again, how tears running down my face

because of the David O'Donnelly Christmas episode, at least I hope that's why they moved. Thanks for all the podcast and amazing work, Sarah. Well, thank you, Sarah. That means a lot to us. And if you want to get in touch, like Sarah, and tell us about times that you nearly died listening to the podcast, then Papi's flat share at gmail.com. And of course, if you've got a beef, we're going to record an episode. I think our next guest is going to be Izzy Suti, who just trying to work out when... A legend! Yeah, when the, when the, when we can arrange to sit down with her. But she's got a new book coming out very soon.

So, she's obviously on the promo trails. I thought, send a message to Izzy, get her on board. Because she was supposed to do one of the live ones before the pandemic hit. I think she was supposed to do Mac. But, so we don't add her on the podcast for absolutely ages so it'll be good to have her back and send your beef to us and her at beefbrotherspodcast.com But most importantly, stick around for the Patreon neighborhood watcher O'Call and join the Patreon and have a really wonderful time. Yes, this episode was produced by Emma Corsum.

Corsum team! Cheers everyone! Bye! Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for the Patreon or Oh, please please be upstanding for the neighborhood watch picture roll call and Let me tell you now. Oh, yeah,, baby. I was at the five and I. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I was at the five and I haven't I'm altered at the five and I make a sketch. Did you get your first real? I got my first real six string boarded at the five and I played it to my fingers, Blood. Was the summer of 1997. Let me tell you now, guys. Ah, the guy who works in that five-and-dime.

He's a real cookie cat. He's a real caca-me-me fella. Let me tell you, he's a real loony, and he goes by the name of Lewis Aruney. Yeah. Well, let me tell you about being down at the five and a time. Oh yeah. Six strength.

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don And I give it a throw man. Give it a what? What did you get? Give it a thwack. A thwack, a classic thwack for the joke box baby. Give it a thwack.

E. E. What begins to start pleying. Oh, some classic elbow. elbow. elbow. Of rock and roll. That sweet, don't sitet tones of Guy Garvey. So I got up with my good man and we had a boogie. Who with Dave Harvey? Dave Harvey. Oh, let that 78 spin on that old

jukebox. Mimmy. Oh, you know what? I racked up my quarters to play a few hits on that jukebox, mimeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee until I found Cliff. That's right, I was playing Richard Cumber Cliff for my main friend, Matt Smith. Congratulations. Senseless. Senseless. I want the world to know that you're a Patreon. Nah. Who?

I was down at the time of time. I was dancing with Miguel. Oh. I was dancing with Miguel. Oh I was dancing with Miguel. I was a a flopping in a chicken Shaking and a flopping flopping and a shake and chicken and a flopping of a night Sorry about all the flopping. It doesn't always happen to me Honestly, this is the first time She she was so annoyed. She hit me. Oh come on, give me a break. Sarah with Lee. Oh my goodness, you got floppy on the dance floor. He's getting those flops. You're getting the flops sweats. That's when you sweat because you're getting floppy on the dance floor tonight at the five and dime my baby

Oh I was on the dance floor with my baby and I wanted to flap out my flap of her But unfortunately I was wearing Suspender belts and they're awfully fiddly So I had to get someone else to undo my suspender belts drop my trousers to the floor and help me out of my trousers And that person was Ian Ridley What a journey what a journey we went on but we are trying to have a line was down at the five and damn Dancing

Dancing with my fella. Oh, you're full. Oh, dancing with my fella Did I have the flops? I couldn't tell you I Couldn't see it over my belly. Oh no. So I asked my fellow, if he'd have a look, Stephen Kelly. Oh, Stephen Kelly. He said, look at your belly and he seen the flops. Oh, I was dancing one night at the five and I, the five for die. I bought my first real six string there

and I was strumming it like Billy O I was serenading my girl but I think I said the wrong thing because I took one look in her eyes and I knew I'd lost her and her name was Alice Foster That's beautiful man, that's beautiful That's beautiful, beautiful man

That's beautiful, kiddo You're a beautiful man, You're a beautiful man. You're giving me the good flops. I'm flopping up instead of flopping down. Oh, I'll listen to you. Flop me up, I believe it. Holy hell. I was at the five in time doing my dancing,

doing one of my Jesplets. Show them off my flops. Holy hell, Come over here and answer me. Clear. Hollow, Hollow, Hollow. Hollow well. Hollow well. Hollow well. Hollow. Hollow. Hollow. Hollow. Hollow. Hollow. Hollow. Hollow. Hollow. What I was thinking those two was down at the five and I was dancing with my baby. I was down at the five and dime. I was playing my six string, maybe. I was down to the five and dime. I was holding me, I'm melted.

I was down at the five and dime. And someone got assaulted. That's right. Someone got hit over the head yesterday. I was there at the five and dime. I saw my own eyes. Let me see. All I was down at the five and dime. I was down at the five and I

I was down at the five and I was down I was down he was still I was flopping on down at the five and I Oh, holy holy holy high and holy no Holy high and holy no holy baby Mountain mama take me home to the five and I'm Oh come come come come come come come come come come Mealier you come and go with Please tell me go He's doing the whole new fox

Do easy to cause a lie mad What we hear for the next two weeks. They're good, angry. It's good to touch the green, green grass of home with Jeremy H. I thought I was quite happy with the way that I ended, actually. Yeah, that was good, strong stuff. Well, that concludes the Patreon. A neighborhood watch roll call, let me tell you baby.

Baby, baby, baby. I am mama, mama. Baby, baby. See you next week. See you next week. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot for...

It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's a like theaters, December 15th.