Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (The Jumping Snail) S14E11

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

Tom, Ben and Matthew slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. Crosby saw a snail jump, Ben and Tom think are incredulous that he'd even consider it a jump, let alone that a snail could do it...Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Greetings, listener dear. I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share House Meeting. House Meeting, that's right, the three of us sat down

this morning and really just got through it. And now you're gonna do the same? Yeah. In your very ear canals. Absolutely right, you don't have to sit down though. However you wanna listen to it is completely up to you You can sit down you can stand up, you know, perhaps you're on the treadmill They're the main case go for it. Are those about you know what? There's a there's a third

Go on lying down. Oh I don't feel comfortable with that. No, they've got to be people who are lounging on the sofa You know hands behind their head. There could be even people in bed listening to this right now. If you're in bed, why not? I would imagine there are people who fall asleep listening to our dulcet tones. I know Clarky certainly does. It's always the case.

Anyway, if you do enjoy the tones that I was just talking about there, then get along to the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flat Share, where you get an extra bonus episode every single week. You also get bonus beefs with our guests, but most of the episodes are the three of us chatting away, not unlike a house meeting and also reading out your emails and other correspondence. And they're a lot of fun. They're a real treat.

They're a real treat. They're a real treat. Pop rounds. Yeah. Enjoy the pop rounds there. But yeah, Pappy's Flat Share. If you search for Pappy's Flat Share on Patreon or patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flat Share, you can get there today. And four quid a month is all we're asking for the sort of the main bit of the feed and we would love to see you over there. It's an absolute bargain. It's an absolute steal. Well and crucially it's a way of supporting what we do and meaning that we can keep on doing our

thing and sticking these out every Tuesday. So if you fancy supporting us get along to Patreon and show us a bit of love. Do we still ask for reviews on iTunes? Good question. That doesn't feel like a thing anymore, does it? We haven't asked for reviews on iTunes. I think liking and subscribing and rating is still very good for the algorithm, yeah. So why not? If you're a newish listener

and you've not yet left us a review, then get along to wherever you get your pods. It't just have to be iTunes wherever you get your pods get along rate and review if you would. Lovely. Why not? Yeah why not? Otherwise let's get into our latest and greatest house meeting. I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want to chat. OK, let's sit down and chew the fat. House meeting. What temperature should we set the heater? House meeting. Why on earth am I always waking? House meeting. Who wet my bed while I was sleeping? Let's have a house meeting!

What's the point? Does life have a meeting? House meeting! So I saw something incredible the other day that... well, I think I saw it I think I saw when I was walking to the train station I think I saw a snail jump

No! Wait, no! walking to the train station, I think I saw a snail jump. No. Yeah. Wait, no. Yeah. Now, this has happened twice in my life as an animal jumped into my path. First time was a baby fox when I was having a run one morning and that was pretty wild.

Literally. Yeah, I mean it was, yeah. But baby foxes, you assume they can jump, right? You know, but snails, I always assumed couldn't jump. There's no. They've got a foot though, haven't they? That's kind of all you really need. What do you need to jump?

A foot? They are a foot. Yeah, what a foot though. Yeah, that's it. Did it fall? Didn't fall, no. And it was a perfect landing as well. I was walking to the train station and it was on a leaf. And it jumped off the leaf and a perfect landing on the pavement.

It was quite a sort of low leaf. It was a low bush. But then, obviously, that's why I saw it, because I'm a small person. Hang on. Was the pavement below the leaf? What do you think, Tom? Ask the question to yourself again. What do you think Tom? Ask the question to yourself again and see what you think. Well I'm just wondering if that's a jump that's all. What do you mean?

Did you see a snail fall? No. That's it? No no no. He jumped. He went up and down which you wouldn't do if you were falling you'd only go down. He went up off the leaf and down onto the ground I don't think you can jump off a leaf

You don't you can jump off a leaf why not because I don't think this it there's enough. There's enough sturdiness there What it was surely if you're trying to get lift off something the things gonna be more solid doesn't it there were other leaves around it It had a bit of ballast underneath it there were other leaves around it. It had a bit of ballast underneath it. There were other leaves around it, but that You talking bush yeah Yeah, it was a bit. All right. Yeah, okay. It jumped off a Leaf that was attached to a bush Right. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna crack unto your forensic questioning Was the pavement up or down was the leaf surrounded by other leaves? Did the snail crack?

No, the snail didn't. If you were telling me a snail was going on the pavement and then jumped up onto a leaf, I'm all ears. Right, yeah. But a snail that's going on a leaf and then falls down onto the pavement, you go, it's gravity, baby. Yeah, I appreciate that gravity does play a part,

but gravity plays a part in every in every jump There's a reason falling isn't an Olympic event No one's like I'm gonna fall from seven feet. No, but diving diving is an Olympic event and that's what it did It was it was it was a jump off a thing. It's literally it's the leaf is And then a triple pike. No didn't't need to. It had a perfect landing, like I said. Anyway, in gymnastics, that's all it's, you know, it's about the dismount, isn't it? And that's what it had, a perfect, a perfect dismount. It isn't all about the dismount.

You can't be like the landings, the whole thing, so you could just do a diving board and just jump off. What's your specialty? Oh, dismounting. That isn't a thing. Okay, but if you do a bad dismount, it discounts everything you've done previously. I'm saying you have to be able to dismount in gymnastics. But it isn't all dismounting. No, crucially. I'm using the phrase, it's all about in the kind of vernacular rather than saying it's the only thing that it's about.

Sorry, sorry. So anyway, yeah. But the reason you're nitpicking at the turns of phrase is because you were jealous that I saw something that you haven't seen. That's the reason you're upset about it. No. Yeah, yeah. I've often longed to see a snail fall off a leaf.

No, you didn't see a snail fall off a leaf. No, you didn't see a snail fall off a leaf. How much? How often I see a snail going off a leaf, I'd love to see you fall. No, no, because no, no, I didn't get a snail in Freude. I wasn't waiting for this thing to fall off and delighting in its misfortune. I was celebrating its achievement. Are you saying we're shareless?

I'm saying you're incredibly shareless of me. That's exactly what I'm saying, Tom. I'm saying you are, you're green like that leaf with envy because I saw something. I saw something that no one else has ever seen because it's impossible. No, not no one else has ever seen. No, you don't think, right listen snails can jump and I've seen it and this snail jumped. I mean if you're going off the documentary the snail and the whale, there's a lot of movement going on in the snail and the whale. There's a lot of movement and there's definitely you know and there's definitely bits where they propel themselves right. Yes they use gravity, yes they use all kinds of things but they also propel themselves, right? Yes, they use gravity. Yes, they use all kinds of things,

but they also propel themselves. And crucially, that's what I saw. I saw a snail jump off a leaf onto the pavement, and then I crushed it with my foot. I crushed it under my heel. No, I didn't. I thought, wow, that's amazing. And then I immediately googled

Can a snail jump? And yeah, they can. What? Now Clark is interested. Now, yeah, now he makes friends. Which is fair enough, I do talk about an awful lot of old shit. And but this is something I saw. Which is fair enough, I did took an awful lot of old shit.

But this is something I saw. End of pod. Podcast over. Good night. I'm just saying, if you want me to be impressed by this, then I need the snail to be going in the opposite direction, I'm afraid. We want to see a snail jump from the pavement up onto a high wall? I want to see a snail jump not a snail fall.

I didn't see a snail fall okay. There's a difference. When you watch Olympic diving... He was up there and he was down there. Why are we going back to the Olympics? Because I think the idea that anything going down is a fall. Crazy. Look, like we've established, were there any somersaults?

Were there any triple pikes? Were there any turns? Were there any half turns? That's what I'm watching the Olympics for. I don't watch the Olympics. I don't watch a man walk to the edge and then just fall down to the pool and everyone goes, hey, it's all about how we hit the water no it isn't it's about what he does between leaving the thing and hitting the water that's what you're there for

yeah this guy isn't fucking twiddling around you've got a twiddle that's the thing you've got a twiddle yeah you could have a twiddle. Parry's nailed it there. Yeah. You could have a twiddle on the way down. Otherwise it's a fall. Yeah. All right. How about this? If a snail does it though, right? You're not holding it to the same high standards of the-

But is it a snail Olympics? Well, I don't know. I didn't figure out to find out. If you'd have seen a person jump from a leaf in a bush, I'd have actually been more impressed than this fucking snail. A snail is supposed to jump from a leaf in a bush, I'd have actually been more impressed than this fucking snail. A snail's supposed to be on a leaf in a bush, but a little person, or a person,

balancing on a leaf in a bush and coming down onto the pavement, you'd be like, sprightly. And you don't think this snail was sprightly? You think it was just clumsy? Well, it certainly, it's had an incident, hasn't it? Did it seem like it wanted to end up on the pavement? Yeah. Was there intent there?

Of course, there was intent. And how did he signal this intent? Did he land and look up at you and be like, not bad? Not exactly not bad, but there was a there was a, you know, there was a sort of a mutual respect between the two of us. Now, this is this is where I'd be interested. If you'd have just said I was walking along and I shared a moment of mutual respect with the snail of us. Now, this is where I'd be interested. If you'd have just said I was walking along and I shared a moment of mutual respect with a snail,

then you'd go, hello. Well, listen, I didn't realise that was the bit you were interested in, the sort of the human story. I thought you were more about the athleticism. It is part of it. I'm saying a fall isn't that athletic? I want to know what you did. Can I just say one thing?

We've got, we've got, we've got to define our terms here, Tom, because you keep using this word fall. And I've, crucially, I've never said I saw a snail fall off a leaf. If I had said I've seen a snail. But then you described what you saw and it was a snail falling off a leaf. We've discussed the twiddle. Yeah. I said it went up and then down. That to me doesn't suggest a fall. No twiddle. So you're saying that, right. That to me is just a fall. No, no. So you're saying that, right. It was sprung off a leaf. Right. Okay. All right. Let's, let's say you are standing, standing on a wall and somebody says, can you jump down off that wall? Would

you say, no, I can fall off this wall or I can give you a pike and a couple of flips and I can jump off the wall. Is that what wall. Is that what you consider to be a jump? Yes. All right, which you know what? I'm glad I cleared it up because in which case then I stand corrected. I saw a snail falling off a leaf because it didn't do it by all jumping has to be a bike otherwise it's just a common or garden fall common garden snail goat impressions let's hear you bleating I want to know why there was mutual respect. What did you do to earn the snail's respect?

Did you flash him a 10? I think the way that I looked at him, he looked back at me and he sort of thought, I'm glad someone was there to see it. So that was the respect I got there as being the, he was like, I got that sense. Well witnessed. He was like, you know, like when you do something and you look around to check, oh, did anyone else see what I did there? It's me at the end of a live record. I stand by the door. I meet every single audience member as they leave. I look them in the eyes and say, in my head,

well witnessed, man, what you just saw there. Exactly. Well witnessed. Well done to both of us. Every man, Jack. Yeah, yeah. It may have looked like I was falling throughout, but actually I was jumping. You didn't see the twiddling I was doing under the desk. Crucially they never do. It's a good thing for everybody. Isn't it? Too right, Clarke.

My technique is sound. Too right. But yeah, that's that was it. It felt like it felt like I'm glad that when I decided to defy gravity and and do, if not a jump, then a very, very impressive fall, right?

A fall that started by going up in the air, right? Very rare that a fall starts going up in the air. But this this fall did. If we're going to if we if you insist Very rare that a fall starts going up in the air, but this fall did. If you insist on calling it a fall, I'm still going to describe it exactly what happened as it happened. Up into the air, down onto the pavement, sucked up, because it was a rainy day, sucked up all the moisture from the pavement. It was like, this is where

I want to be, getting that sweet, getting those sweet juices out of the rainwater. Oh, looks up. Oh, you saw that, did you, mate? No big deal. Just a jump. Well witnessed. Yeah, I tell my friends they went, well, listen, if you do tell all your friends, please, can you stress this was a jump and not a fall? All right. Listen, I wasn't looking around to check. No one saw it. I was looking around to check. Everyone saw it. What I think's happened is a snail is moseying along going,

that's a fucking good leaf. I'm going to have a bit of this. Oh, it's a bit more towards the end of the leaf. We always want that little bit more. Yeah. Off to the edge of the leaf he goes. Oh, fuck. He's sprung into the air.

He's like, shit, I'm dying, man. And then, oh, he lands on his fucking foot and he's like, oh, got away with that. Looks up, you're looking at him and he's like Fucking I got away with that didn't I mate and you're like you're like, oh my god an athlete and he's like, yeah He's like it's like I found the one person who doesn't watch a tremendous amount of sports If this had been John Motson, yeah You know what it would have been all over not even all over that guy. You just fell off that mate.

Well, I got what I feel the juice. Anyway, the that would be the case if he's fallen off the end of the leaf. He jumped off the middle of the leaf. He's probably hang on. He was in the middle of the leaf. Yeah. He was nowhere near the point. How big is this leaf? I would say this leaf would be... four centimetres long. Sorry, four centimetres? Somewhere between the two.

Between four centimetres and five metres. Closer to my estimation, but you know, I didn't have my tape measure with me. I just had my eyes and my memory. Just consult my... Okay, no, I think if it's shorter than a metre then it's a four-lomerset, right, yeah.

Although, do you have to take scaling to account? What do you mean? It's in like the size of the, I mean, good question. It's a good question. The size of the thing that's jumping. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Because obviously if I jump a foot, that's not. But if Crosby jumps a foot. That's jumping. Oh yeah yeah yeah. Because obviously if I if I jump a foot that's not... But if Crosby jumps a foot. That's impressive. Then we're rolling out the barrel. Exactly.

Because it's the whole flea thing isn't it like if a flea was the size of me then it would be able to jump over yeah the Empire State Building. 70 buses or some shit like that like and that's why we all love the red hot chili peppers no no no it's one of many reasons no no no no and the shenanigans they get up to under that bridge under that bridge can they jump over the bridge if the red hot chili pepper is going over the bridge then I'd be interested then I'd be interested if it was about Anthony Kiedis leaping over a viaduct. Then I'd sit up and pay attention. No, but you're right. You're right.

Although the flea thing, Tom, reminded me, didn't used to love it. If you ever go to like the Natural History Museum or like an exhibit about sort of insects in nature that used to be in a lot of sort of kids museums, they'd always have like how far animals can jump. Yeah. You know that thing that you from a standing start, how far can a how far she used to, you know, in the days of the meter wheel, that shit used to matter. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. For smartphones came along and robbed our youth of imagination. Yeah. It's Tom, Tom, this is so true, apart from the bit about the smartphones.

And our movies, and our movies of any suspense. Every word you say is absolutely true. If we'd stopped speaking after about the first four words. I stopped listening after your first four words. So I agree with everything you just said. I saw a snail jump. You stopped after, I saw a snail jump. You just, you stopped after a, I saw a snail. And you were like, no, you fucking didn't.

You not only don't believe I saw it jump, you don't believe I saw a snail. You think, man, come on, I know you live in the sprawling urban metropolis that is Beckham and there's no, what, can they jump off a fucking, a skyscraper? No, thank you. But anyway, the, when I anyway, when I was a kid and I did my Morse B test, the test you do, the kind of careers advisory test to work out what you

should do as a job. And is that called the Morse B test? I think that was the organisation who did it in our area, the Moresby Test. Right. Lots of fun with this charming man kind of shenanigans. But it was the mid-90s. But yeah, so they said I should be a police officer, right? Oh, okay. I don't know why, but I guess they just want to recruit police officers.

And so I guess crucially, one of the biggest skills you need to be a police officer is to be able to be a credible witness. As you've displayed today. Thank you. You are not the man for the job. What? Oh, I thought that was going to go the other way. And then they might go, ran through a wall.

And then Somerses ran up the side of a building, triple Somersault into his bedroom. And that's where I found him, your honor. Also, he was a foot. Yeah. So by triple somersaulting into his bedroom, it means he didn't fall into his bedroom. That's all we know. It wasn't gravity just taking it,

just doing its nefarious work. So anyway- If he landed on another bush, I'm interested. If there's a bush on the other side, and he's like, off he bush, I'm interested. If there's a bush on the other side and he's like, off he goes. I'm interested. Well, like across a gap. Yeah, that's good stuff. If it was a bit more parkour, then you would have been more.

Oh my God. If he's on the end of a leaf going, the penitent man, the penitent man, the penitent snail will pass, the penitent snail will pass. And then he kind of takes a step out. Indiana Jones style that I'm interested. He puts his foot down and goes, Oh, yep, there's there's something there. Yeah, exactly.

Jumps across and then realizes he's left his shell, has to grab it last minute. Just as it comes down. Yeah, love it. But anyway, listen, we're not we're not still we're not talking about the snail. We're talking about the Morse B test now. Oh, yes, of course. Things on because I was charming man. This charming man, that kind of stuff. Exactly. It was a it was a good time to be alive as it is today. So I am, I went home and obviously I'm quite a sort of susceptible person. And I was like, yeah, if I'm going to become a snail can fucking jump That snail saw you coming mate leaves now propaganda He said I see this guy come in and I'm gonna jump to make him think that I can jump

well to Shay snail because you jumped didn't you mate and anyway, the Either went home and started practicing to become a police officer Yeah, and I I remember talking to my English teacher. Mr I then went home and started practicing to become a police officer. Did you? Yeah. And I remember talking to my English teacher, Mr. Watson, and he was him saying, I wanted to become a police officer, but I couldn't do from a standing start, I couldn't jump six feet. You have to jump obviously six feet across rather than six feet straight up, because

no one could do that. All police officers look like NBA players. So I would go home and I would jump six feet, I would try and jump six feet every night in the back garden. Adorable. But what it meant was, I was always brilliant at that bit in the museum where you had to jump as far as like, this is how far a snail can jump. Yeah. And I'd be like, yeah, I can jump further than that. Of

course I can. This is how low a snail can fall. Yeah. How dare you. How dare you say that? I feel like you're saying that, I feel like that's a veiled insult to me. This podcast used to mean something and now you're just coming here with lies. Did you ever have that feeling at school where obviously when you're thinking about police officers or the idea of being a police officer, you think of these, they've got to be someone really impressive or this is very noble, incredible choice of profession and like from the movies and then about eight years after you left school you find out like hey you know Jonathan Kraska became a police officer Jonathan Kraska he used to put cotton wool in the end of his biro and set it

on fire and pretend to smoke it you'd be like he's a policeman now oh yeah. Oh yeah, the law is fucked. That's what it is. It's always odd choices who end up becoming police officers. And that's when you lose faith in the system. Yeah. Ditto teachers. Absolutely the same when you go, Oh, that person's teacher. Oh yeah. Okay. And this is not to denigrate, obviously, not all teachers and not all police officers, but those who can't podcast teach. Yeah. Those like there's the old saying. So yeah, it's one of those where you go, oh, fuck it out. And then you go on Facebook and try and find a picture of them in their uniform.

And it's like, oh my God, you kidding me? They used to give me a dead leg every lunchtime. Yeah. Or they're just stupid. You're still going on Facebook trying to find people in their uniforms are you cuz you promised you'd give that up you kind of go look at him like he has his fucking peanut tie you gotta go look at him there back in the day and now look at him in a he's a policeman

fuck that yeah well you know the thing about the teachers is the same. I was at parents drinks quite recently with, you know, the parents of the kids at Cleo school. That sounds like something the kids organise. We'll get them together. We'll let them mingle. It was a lot of Ribena and fruit shoots, to be honest. But one of the mums was saying to me, yeah you know I saw on Facebook the teacher at my

my daughter's school, I saw on Facebook that you know went back a few, not that far to find out she was at school quite recently and you're like, yeah, that's how life works. That's age that is. It would have been worse if we said, oh yeah, I went back and they never went to school. You're like, oh, that's a problem. I went back and raised by wolves in the wild. Feral turns out, a feral upbringing. But anyway. I mean, that's why she's really good at making stuff out of rubbish. You know, that's like she's very, very good at craft day.

Not that good at sort of, you know, arithmetic and numeracy. Is that teacher not you? Because all my family members who are teachers, yeah, have adopted an alias Facebook name. Yeah, that's that's yeah. Same with my family members who are teachers as well. That's what that teacher needs to do. Yeah, I guess so. But I guess there's always ways in if you are the kind of parent who wants to check up on the teacher. There's always like,

you know, especially if you went to school in the area now, you teach in the area, and you grew up in the area basically, there's going to be enough people connected that you can get into, you know. What did you say to that parent? I said, yeah, that's probably I don't find that unbelievable. But if you want to hear an unbelievable story, guess what I fucking saw walking to the train station the other day. Now, like someone else, you didn't go to school. How do you fare at parent drinks crossbow? Got some tonight.

I you know what I sailing into the Easter weekend sailing into the Easter weekend with with drinks before Good Friday. Absolutely right. It's more on a Thursday. Why not show some fucking respect? Well we are going there Maundy Thursday. Why not? Show some fucking respect. Yeah. Well, are they Maundy drinks? They're Maundy drinks. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be using my Maundy monies to pay for some Maundy. Sprinkling some ash on the top of them. I guess that's Ash Wednesday, isn't it? That's Ash Wednesday. Yeah. What?

That'll be that. That's it. With Ash Wednesday, it was ages ago, man. Absolutely ages ago. Do you think they missed a trick not having it as Maundy Monday? So good they named it twice. No. Although they also didn't.

Sorry, Tom, can I ask two questions? No. Firstly, what are you talking about? Secondly, what are you talking about? I only listened to the first of those questions and the answer is I don't know. When you say they missed a trick, Yeah.

Who and what was the trick they missed? And secondly, they're so good they named it twice. It's not Monday Monday. It's not the song by the Mamas and the Puppets. No, but it's close enough, isn't it? Like that's what I'm saying is you can have a bit of fun with it. If one of the Easter days has got to be a Morn Day,

then you're like, well then let's go with Monday because from a marketing point of view. There is Morn Day, there is Morn Day Monday because from a marketing point of view, there is there is more day. There is Monday, Monday. What? So could they named it twice? No. They didn't want a Monday. There's Ash Wednesday, Monday,

Thursday. Good Friday. You know Ash Wednesday, Easter Sunday. Ash Wednesday wasn't this Wednesday. Tom Ash Wednesday is the day after Shrove Tuesday. It's the start of Lent. Palm Sunday. Yeah, Palm Sunday.

That's right. That was last Sunday. So where's Monday, Monday? The Monday before Monday, Thursday. Easter Monday is Monday, Monday. Oh, after? Yeah. Is it? Yeah. No one's calling it Monday, Monday. I don't think anyone really...

Who told you this? The snail? No. You're having a chat with a snail after he disbanded. I can't believe you fell for it after he fell. I've said it once before, but it bears a repeat. So Monday, Thursday, you're going for drinks with the parents. Are you the life and soul of the parent drinks? Or do you end up just talking about children? Oh yeah there's no there is no life and soul at parents drinks especially at this stage. What I mean you know the thing is you're held together by only one thing which is that you've all got kids the same age. There's no real reason for you to like there's no real reason for you to

be be friends. That's why you need to be plus one in Clarky to these parents drinks. Like when you're taken to a petting zoo, like when he goes to soft play. Yeah. You need to be bringing in the loose cannon. Yeah, bit of edge. That guy doesn't even have kids, what's he doing there?

I'm not looking after the kids in the morning. Let's go crazy. How am I explaining Clarky's appearance? Not his appearance, obviously. We'll just accept that's how he looks. But how am I explaining that Clarky's here with me? What am I saying? I was like, oh, by the way, yeah, my wife couldn't make it. She's looking after the kids. But I have brought the dude from You, Me and Dupree. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What, how does that work? I mean, like, can he just be there?

I mean, he can be there. I mean, it's in a pub in the area close to where he lives. There's no reason why he couldn't just be there. Mate, I'm gonna be there now. It's the infiltrating the gang. that's the bit that I find I find tricky I looked everyone up on Facebook don't worry about it guys it's kind of like in like in this in like a wedding crashes style tradition yeah yeah yeah where like Clark you could like you could hire him out as like the non-parent to come and spice things up.

And maybe he's just kind of waiting where people are meeting and it's like... What kind of spicing up do you want to happen? What is it? A fun time. Yeah, OK. OK. All right. So let's drill down into this. What would you imagine would be the fun time? Just a bit of interesting talk before you get to, but you know, how do you make the meat or stuff like that, you know, with those conversations, just like keeping that wall

from the door. So as soon as they start to say, listen, do they, do your kids only eat the same jacket potato every single day for school dinners rather than choosing something from the menu? As soon as that conversation, which by the way, that's going to happen a few times tonight, we know that's, that's a, that's a given, right? That's going to happen. As soon as I hear someone starting that, I say, listen, you've got to beat my friend Ben. Clarkie plows in with Nolan or Scorsese. And you're like, what? Who's the best director? Who do you prefer? The Nolan sisters or Marty Scorsese?

And it's like, that's what he'll do. He's a hand grenade. He will do that. Yeah. Who can jump over that table? A snail. Who can fall off it? Yeah, exactly. How do you think my ice snores saw a snail jump?

Because, you know, I feel like, I feel like this has been a preview. Yeah. This has been a preview for whether or not it's going to work tonight. And you know what? I'm going to tell you now, it's not gone well. I think we've done you a big favour here. You've done me a huge favour here. Yeah. You've saved me from social suicide. You've saved me from jumping off a leaf. What I could see you doing is you'll start talking

about it and then suddenly you'll feel people finishing their conversations and turning to you and your mouth will start to dry and by the end you're just like pointing at them and going she looks up teachers on Facebook from school and they're like run towards the door. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I never realised something isn't going well during a conversation until way, way after the conversation. Oh yeah. The old wake up at like one in the morning and he's something like, Oh no, what was I saying? No, no, no, no, no, no. Not even that. I'll just be walking down the street five years later and go, but by that point, by that point the friendship has ended. So no, you've done me a huge favor here because I wouldn't, my mouth wouldn't have dried up. People wouldn't have been turning, they would have been turning to me,

but I would have just carried on chatting. I wouldn't have even realised. I would have been absolutely all over telling them about the snail. So it's back to the drawing board for me now. Yeah, I can see. Anything else happen on that walk to the tube? Or was you too busy buzzing off the fact that you'd seen a snail fall? It was a train station and don't try and pick me up.

Don't try and trick me. It was the train station. I know all the details of it. That's a classic lawyer trick is to go, oh yeah, so anything else happen on the walk to the tube? And I go, no, no, I just walked to Tooting Beck station. That was it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, you walked, did you? You didn't run? Yeah, no, I had plenty of time. It was raining. I was walking to the local train station. Cause you were running when you saw the baby fox jump out. Yeah, yeah, sorry. Yeah, that was the baby fox jumping.

Yeah, cool, cool. Okay, off a leaf, I suppose. Anyway, yeah, carry on. That's what you do. Is that what Lloyd does? I'd love to follow him. Sarcastic, just all. I think so, yeah.

All chinny wrecking. Yeah. All. Look, eyes to the jury, for the listener, dear. You've done the flashing. A lot of eye rolling, yeah. We're flashing eyes to the jury there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of eyebrows.

Eyebrows, you know. Flash eyes to the jury there. Yeah, lots of eyebrows. Eyebrows going. I flashed eyes to the jury thinking I'm going to look you up in your uniform later on. Don't you worry about that. I'm going to get on your Facebook page. I found you on Facebook. You're not going to believe this. This guy used to go to school. You wouldn't have thought it if you were listening to him.

You left that out the story, didn't you? Here's a photo of you at 11. You were at school. You never told us that, did you? Your story's crumbling. This judge used to be a school child. How much do you trust him now? That is a good point though, probably less. Do you think so? Yeah. Do you think everyone in positions of authority needs to show a photo of themselves as a child just to sort of level the playing field a little bit? Yeah.

You'd be like, oh mate, you used to be a little baby. What are you talking about? I think it's why your parents struggle ultimately with taking their kids seriously as adults. Yeah. I think that's an eternal struggle. And I think it's because it's because you've you know what you know, you saw them It's like oh you're getting married are you and you're gonna have children yourself Yeah, that one's more believable Oh, you want to buy a house, do you? Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,

okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,

okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, saying that's how they... Can I just ask Tom, are your parents lawyers? Because they certainly sound like it. I bloody wish. And then they go, you know, I'm not saying that's how they say it to you, but I think that's what's going on in their head. I think if a judge's parents are in court,

ay, he shouldn't be looking at, he shouldn't be doing that trial. Yeah, that's probably true. I don't think you need a B there. Plus with the whole dressing up element, it would very quickly feel silly. Like if your child becomes a barrister in Britain and they're putting on their wig and they're going and you're going to see them, it is, I think ultimately it's still going to feel a bit like one of those little plays that they're doing in the front room. Dressing up, showing off in front of your mates.

It's like, come on. Yeah. Sit down. Take the wigs off. Surely take the wigs off. Surely take the wigs off. I think you're telling us a lot about your parents' attitude to you. Like, it's Clarky showing off. Sit down. Stop it. That is actually exactly how your parents are to you. You could have become a High Court judge though and they would still have behaved exactly the same way.

So that's, isn't that quite freeing? Thank you, Matthew. I could have done you could have done if only you had the Latin for the other wigs There we go, I think it was the greatest Tom it was the greatest house meeting we've ever had I'd give that five stars That's gotta be worth five stars. It certainly has. I will say one thing. I, as I was talking, I realized I made a small, a small error with something I said, just ever, an ever so slightly small. Just an addendum here. Just a little addendum. Yeah.

I don't often do this, but I didn't see a snail. Was it a squirrel this whole time? Yeah, just a small, small. I didn't see a snail. No. Was it a squirrel this whole time? Yeah. Just a small snail. I didn't see a snail jump off a leaf. Right. I didn't see a snail jump off a leaf. I didn't guys.

So if you just take that from the record, but listen to everything else. Listen, I panicked and I made it up. Everything else was true though. No, everything I said in that I made it up. Everything else was true though. No, everything I said in that I made it up. I never went to school. I never went to school guys. I never went to school. No, I did see it now.

I realised I said arithmetic and numeracy, which are basically the same thing. But apart from that, every other thing I said in that podcast was a hundred percent factually accurate and- Apart from it was a frog. Yes, it was a frog and it was it was it was a frog and it was it was jumping into a lake and it was in you know it was in a cartoon um well go forth have a lovely time we'll do and today's episode was produced by him team! Caution team! Cheers everyone! Bye! Bye!

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