Pappy's Flatshare - House Meeting (Wet Mouth) S14E22

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

Tom, Ben and Matthew slide into your ear canal for another house meeting. New haircuts inspire wet faces.Come and see Flatshare Slamdown liveLatitude Festival - https://www.latitudefestival.com/Cheerful Earful - 20th October - https://cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com/festival/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-live-show-20th-oct-ticketsPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share House Meeting. Oh, house meeting. It is an exciting episode today and when a house meeting arrives, well, you've got to sit up and listen. That's what they say. Absolutely right, Tom.

The old place. The old phrase. The old catchphrase. There's something very delightful about, I can hear the lack of a route map through the centre. Do you know, I can visualise it for you. The initial route ended up at, we'll take some beating, and just at the last minute I rejected it and turned off onto a path. I did not know where that path ended. So you thought I'll take the road less traveled here. Anybody can rhyme, you know, house meeting with takes and beating. But I'll come up with something

that's just a little bit because they do say that don't they? You know, they say it's not you don't go with your first thought because everyone's thought your first thought. Go with your second thought or your third thought. Everyone thought he was going to say, take some beating. Yeah. Well, and literally, it was like the main road took us to the large town of take some beating, but just at the last minute, it looked like the bridge was down

to get me to take some beating. And so I was like, oh, I don't know. I don't know how I'm going to get to that, but that's where I want to go. And then I was like, no. And then up into this tiny country lane that was kind of just thick, thick undergrowth. And then we were, we were foraging for, for, for something.

You need a machete to get through that, that sort of thing. Don't you? Yeah. So anyway, so what does the mic's off? Tom's going to take some beating. I'll tell you that. Bit of self-flagellation. Yeah.

Um, so, so, so what have you got now? When a house meeting comes around, you've got to sit up and listen. You've got to sit up and listen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good stuff, actually. Yeah. Good stuff. Amazing, you pulled off a rhyme like that last minute as well.

In the deep dark of the woods, we stumbled across gold. Unbelievable. The lawsuit. Yes. So a few little bits of bits of business, as always. The Patreon goes from strength to strength. Oh, my God. I think most recent episode is one of the most fun ones we've done. Yes. It was really, really good. So get yourself over to the Patreon if you want to hear that.

patreon.com forward slash Pappi's Flat Share for a mere four quid a month. You can get all of our bonus episodes plus a new bonus episode every single week. And if you don't want to fork out the four quid a month, if you think I'd like to hear that episode, but I don't want to fork out the cash just yet. There's a seven day free trial going on at the moment. A seven day free trial. It's a seven day free trial going on at the moment. A seven day free trial. It's a whole week. Yeah.

So from the, from the second you, you sign up, you get a seven, seven free days. You can download all of the old episodes, you know, listen to as many as you like in those seven days before you get charged and you can even cancel before. Then there's no, we won't charge you at all. So there's a chat to be had about what sounds like more value seven days or one week but I don't think that chats for now it's the it's the Craig David versus bare naked ladies conversation well a beef is all this time exactly once again Craig David and the bare naked ladies go at it. What sounds like the

longer song? Get in touch listening. What sounds like more value? Seven days or more week? Anyway, we can't do this now. We've got other things to plug. Get to the Patreon. I mean, the thing is, if you want these kinds of conversations with us, you know, what sounds like better value, this is the kind of stuff we discuss with our listeners over at the Patreon. Tom, Tom, yeah Tom I don't know if that's selling it. No no that's not a great point is it. That's not a great point. Okay okay well anyway over at the Patreon there's a real community of listeners and we reply to emails and it's all fun and games. We reply to emails? Again you've got no idea how to sell the Patreon. We reply to emails. It's basically like an admin job for us.

Hang on. We send our emails to our desks, reply to emails every now and then. Legally, to cover ourselves, we reply to some emails. And also, we don't reply to emails. No, we read the emails and have a chat about them. We don't... Sorry, let me rephrase that. We do not reply to emails. Okay, we're coming. Okay, thank you.

One week free anyway. Bloody hell. We're going to have a slew of you listening. I don't hear that much. Okay, so yeah. So get yourself over to patreon.com forward slash papi flat share and sign up today Good gracious me

We're also going to be at the latitude festival. Yeah, obviously you may have seen that we were almost not at the latitude festival, but they have Changed their sponsorship deal with with Barclays and we're back there now So yeah, so latitude we're gonna be there doing aed Slam Down. We're also this has just been announced this week. We're back at the the Cheerful Earful podcast festival, our favourite podcast festival in the world. It's a we're doing a flat shed slam down. They dropped their sponsors so we're back with them. Absolutely. We've got to check those sponsors actually. I

believe they're sponsored by Podbible. So yeah, we're doing a flatley's Flat Shed Slam Down live on October 20th at 8.15pm at the Bedford Pub in Ballum. So if you are in London, if you're in the South East, come along. We would love to see you there. Yeah, get along to the pub. And if you want to get the tickets, it's cheerfulearful.co.uk. That's right, cheerfulearful.co.uk.

And we say every year, it's a great pub. It's a great pub. It's a great pub. And all of your favourite podcasts are there. And if you don't live in London or the South East, it's worth coming down for the weekend because they stick on everybody's favourite podcasts over an entire weekend and you can really just absolutely binge out on the good stuff. So many, so many great podcasts and you want to be binging out on that good stuff guys.

You really do want to binge out on the good stuff. Please, please binge out on the good stuff. Trusty Hogs are back there again, Family Jewels, Lex Education, there's loads of fantastic podcasts are going to be there. Loads of friends of our pod as well. The new 2000s football podcast, Let's Be Having You, that's going to be there. So yeah, loads of big pods will be there. Get yourself along there to cheerfulearful.co.uk.

Grab some tickets today. And binge out on the good stuff. Binge out on the good stuff, baby. Everybody knows that when a house meeting is good everybody sits up and listens. So let's get into it now. I've had a thought. I've got an issue. I've got a question I want to ask you. I want to talk. I want to chat. OK Let's sit down and chew the flat

What temperature should we set the heat? Why on earth am I always waiting? Who wet my bed while I was sleeping? What's the point does life have a meeting I've got my haircut the other day right? Oh, yeah, and it looks lovely Thank you. thank you. And I also... Sorry we didn't notice. I also got my beard trimmed at the same time.

Oh yeah. Have you had that done before? I have and I'll tell you what happens is that I have my beard is hanging on for dear life. That's my beard. It's, it can't be, it can't be the same length all over. Otherwise it looks incredibly patchy. Right. So what I do is, and it's a system that seems insane. It's a system that seems like something out of the prison, the world of the prisoner. But I, I hackered it with a Bic razor, just in just little bits here and there, to sort of, so it all gives the appearance of being the same length.

But it really isn't. Some bits are very long. I've effectively got like bits of my beard that are a comb over. A big, like a big safety razor. Just like a little tiny little blue, you know, this blue plastic. Like a biro.

Yeah, like I just colour the bits. I just get a black biro and I colour the bits in. That's how I do it. And then use it as a shiv, like in a prison. Yeah, absolutely right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so it happened to me once and basically they kind of shaved the entire beard off

and went, oh, I thought there'd be more beard here. It was like, oh yeah. No, no, no, there isn't. You've left me with a mustache and nothing else No, no, no, there isn't. You've left me with a moustache and nothing else. But yeah, no, I haven't been shaved by another man of my gender, no. I found it. It's, it's, it feels very much more personal than having your head done. Yeah, I can imagine.

It's like touching your mouth and stuff. It's one step up from dentist isn't it? Yeah yeah I would say because dentist is so medical and so methodical I would say it's more intimate. Your dentist is maybe. Listen it's getting increasingly harder to get an NHS appointment with a dentist okay so my dentist is no longer medical. What's your dentist using their tongue? It's just like a vibe dentist. Do you know what I mean? They just kind of, just like, you'll probably be fine, but just to be on the safe side,

let's take it all out. All these teeth are kind of a bit of a comb over, weren't they? There's less of them than it looks. You've only got three teeth. But you've grown the plaque in such a way that it's formed little teeth in between your teeth. Like they do in prison. Exactly. But yeah, I think because the touching of the face,

I think weirdly, I think it's more intimate for someone to touch your put their fingers on your cheeks that is to put their fingers in your mouth yeah I think it's because there's something of the pampering about having your hair done yeah whereas there is something of the oh if I don't have this wisdom tooth taken out I'm gonna be in agony for months. Yes, the beard, it feels romantic almost. It does feel romantic. Yeah.

Yeah. He was whispering sweet nothings into my ear. One thing I noticed during it. Oh yeah. Is that. You got an erection. Is that what you're saying? You both have an erection.

Because I would say it's more intimate to put your erection in someone's mouth than it is to put your fingers in someone's mouth. This is just, I know I'm old fashioned. No, that's romantic. He, like I've got quite like a wet mouth. You've got a wet mouth. Oh. I've got a very wet mouth. You were very hydrated. So what you're saying is like,

he's constantly grabbed that, oh great, absolutely wet mouth, wet dream, yeah. Great bandit. He was having to grab the towel that would normally be like kept over your shoulders to sort of dry his hands from your slobbering gob. Is that what you're saying? Were you drooling?

Well, I was close to. A couple of times he kind of squelched my mouth. Because he's kind of getting in around, you know, he's like kind of like poking, not poking, but you know, he's getting the razors and the shave. Was that, that was the other thing. Was he reenacting the papi's photo that we had years ago where we each squeezed his nose? Was he stood next to you squeezing your gob? Yeah,

he really was. By the way, can I just say very quickly, that picture, I think we talked about this before, but my friend saw it for sale in a charity shop frame. Yeah, for a fiver. For a fiver. So I asked her to buy it and she finally had the chance to come to Exeter the other day and so she's brought it to our house and it's quite large and so I said... Are we talking A3? I'll tell you what, I'll go and fetch it for you in a bit. It's a decent size frame and so I've got it in our kitchen but I've told Jane obviously it's not there. It's only there temporarily. But I thought Gloria might enjoy it because she talks a lot about you two. You're kind of quite... We're mythical figures.

You're pertinent figures in her imagination. So she'll quite often tie a piece of string. Like recently she tied a piece of string around her waist and then came into the front room and said, would you like my new belt? Matthew and Ben bought it for me. And I came in and I flanged out of the room. And I kind of said, she knows about our income. They are quite cheap.

They are quite cheap when it comes to presents, actually. She has picked up on that. So I said, oh, this'll be exciting for you. We clubbed together and bought you a piece of shirt. So this'll be exciting for you. I've got a picture of me with Matthew and Ben from when we used to do a show. And I showed it to her and she just frowned and went,

why are you doing that? I said, oh, because we thought it would look funny. We thought it would look funny. And she went, it does not look funny, daddy. And walked off. Wow. Okay, okay. Taste of change, Gloria, that's the problem.

Where were you 15 years ago, you could have done with us, RPR. Yeah. But anyway, sorry. What a memory. You can't squeeze each other's faces anymore, because of the bloody woke mob. Exactly.

Unless you're working in a hairdresser's in southeast London by the south of this. And then you squelched my mouth. So he puts his hands on either side of your mouth to kind of get a bit more purchase on your bottom lip. No, it was actually kind of the shaver going in. The razor? Yes.

He shaved a gob? Yeah, that's it. Mate, he used about five different implements. Have you? Were you being tortured? Was it one of those places? Yeah kind of romantic. It was a great service. They come around your house, they put a bag over your head and then they transport you to the barbers in the back of a car and you

give them all your bank details at the end. It's a really good service actually. It did feel a little bit like that actually. Let me tell you now, I would give them my bank details prior to the bag going over my head. I think I would be terrible as a torture victim. I just don't think I've got it in me, you know? I mean, you've seen how much I complain if we have to carry a heavy bag of props. You know, like, I don't think,

the second they even suggested waterboarding. Why'd you think we were squeezing your mouth in that photo? Stop from complaining. But the guitar's quite heavy. Yeah, I was kind of thinking about this the other day because I'd recently read an article about how, this is how you can tell you no longer live in London. Because it takes you four hours to get to work

and you never see your friends. No, how you can tell you don't live in London. I read an article in probably The Guardian about how regularly people were getting their phones nicked in London. And then I was back in London for two nights and as I was walking around, my head was just going, oh, are you gonna get your phone nicked in London. And then I was back in London for two nights and as I was walking around, my head was just going,

oh, you're gonna get your phone nicked. Yeah, you're an out of towner now, Tom. You are someone who fears the big smoke. You fear the capital. So I was walking down the road like I did 15, 20 years of my life and in my head I was going, oh, but what if they nick your phone? And I was just playing out the scenario of if someone here I am it's a deep

Wonder down one of those streets. That's a no-go area Whereas where is me in me and Matthew cruising around on our ebikes snack your phones Yeah, we were waiting for you to come around the corner Barry I was gonna I was gonna whip away your Nokia 3310 mate. I assume you've got a Nokia 3310 because you haven't caught up with the London ways of slightly more modernised their phone. My phone got nicked as I was googling his Denmark Hiller no-go zone. According to Transport for London it is. Bloody hell it's dedicated to it. Anyway, anyway guys.

But a memory. But a memory. And I was wondering what, because like in your head you kind of think, yeah I'd give a bit of pushback or I'd do this or I'd do that if someone stops and asks for my phone, but in reality I'd give them my phone immediately and then really. Because what's the ultimate point of if something, you know, if you were to, I think a lot of these people are generally good blokes who nick phones. They're generally, you know, all they want to do is just nick phones. They just love it.

It's just their thing. Well, they're gentlemen thieves, aren't they? They're gentlemen thieves. Exactly. You've watched the Guy Ritchie thing on Netflix. You know all about it. That's all about that bunch of guys on Hogwarts Nicking phones. No, but once in a while you get a bad Apple who will not just nick your phone, but also steal your entire life away from you. Well, this is what the article said in the guide. And that's want. Don't be a don't be a have a go here. Oh

Cuz you know You'd think how much do I need that phone really? Yeah, like the answer to that is a lot. That's the problem Yeah, I might stretch to anything. Please Anything else I'd be like have it. But my phone I'd be like, oh that's really debilitating actually for me. Sure you don't want big shoes. Do you think that would work? Do you think the argument of that's really debilitating would actually work? I know because I know you've been practicing your what do I do if I get mugged. You're running through your toughest phrases in your head. That's my have a go hero situation. Oh I'm so sorry, but that that is

Hate it when I'm upset you would hate me if I was debilitated You do not want to see me when I'm debilitated. Because I will need help from you to get home. I think, I think, er, Clarky could probably just put them off with his disgusting slobbery gob. Yeah, my wet, wet mouth. If you just start drooling away at me. Oh god. Pop your phone in your mouth and say,

forget it. Come and get it if you want mate. It's all yours, come and get it. I'm bobbing for apples. It's like a washing machine in there. What would you do? You'd hand your phone over to Tweet. Yeah, my one experience of getting mugged, they took it out of my hand anyway. I was

standing in the street and they just whipped out my hand and started walking down the street. And I did, you know, I did say, I did chase them down the street and say, hey, come on guys, come on, right? Come on, give it back We've had a we've had a nice little chuckle here. You've got the better of me give it back and Yeah, and they they they threatened violence. I realized I it's not it's not worth it It was a really I mean, this was years and years ago as a Samsung It was absolutely years ago. Oh, and I think I did I do genuinely remember saying You're gonna really struggle to find a charger for that.

So, good luck. You've already got another three hours of that phone before you're going around to people, and then we've got a charger for a Samsung. They're like, what? A Samsung? And this was 2005 or six. Samsungs were riding pretty high on the hog,

but I couldn't find a backup charger for that. They were doing you a favor if anything. If anything they were doing me a favor, they were forcing me into the world. They were a charity. Of the Apple phone, yeah. They'd roam the streets, taking people's Samsung's so they can have a better life. I hadn't thought of that, but they did pop it in a little plastic envelope and post it.

Now I realize they, and then a week later, I got four quid in the post. Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah. Now actually I think about it, yeah, they actually did me a huge service. They did you a little solid, absolutely. They really did, those lads in Soho late at night. Yeah, it was very good.

So do you think now that's, do you think that's affected you generally? Do you feel afraid of the sort of thrumming big city? Maybe, maybe. It's the first kind of, you know, chinking the armour. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Once that starts, then, you know, suddenly you the armour. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Once that starts then, you know, suddenly you don't wanna go on the tube.

It's just so busy and... Do you come back and say, oh, I've been in London today and I blew my nose and oh, it's disgusting. All this cocaine came out. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Have you been there two days? Oh man. You know on every £5 out if you study it under a microscope you find lots of my snot. I think I've done that right. Exactly. This is very much a kind of see no evil hear no evil speak no evil. Clarky's got a watery garb you've got a watery nose and I'm constantly weeping. Memories of Sangsung. I'm always thinking about the times I've been wronged by ruffians. They made me carry the guitar to the gig I've got a question for you Clarkie at any point during this beard trimming did

The barber attempt conversation. That's what I really that's why I do if I was him garba attempt conversation. That's what I really, that's what I'd do if I was him. Just at the moment that I'm really working the garba over I'd be like, going anywhere on holiday? Oh yeah, I should move down to Hastings to lay some shelves for the room. Did you say Hastings to put up some shelves? Crack his holiday. I really turn the torturing tables though if I start to speak

because then I'm waterboarding him. Yeah that's right, yeah yeah it's absolutely splash mountain there isn't it? Yes! If you say look, I will tell you where I'm going the holiday but first put on this plastic sower. You're in the splash zone. Yeah, you're absolutely

I warned you mate. I turned those clippers off and unplugged them because they were about to get down. What you need is one of those razors you can use in a shower. That's the only way you can shave your face. One of the ones that's shower safe. That's what you need. He told me to shut my eyes quite a bit and... Did he shave your eyelashes as well? He did all my eyebrows. Well, yeah, I mean, I was going to... I think we're both getting to that stage, Clarke,

where we're getting a bit Norman Lamont in the eyebrow department. It's actually... That's a gorgeous reference. It's not even... Thanks, man. No, it's actually- That's a gorgeous reference. It's not even, thanks man. No, it's not gonna fly with Jen's head. No, all right, who's the current guy with big eyebrows? Manu Chihuahua? Just a beef.

I don't think that reference works as well. Cause did what's chops, who was the fucking looking at the sky guy for us? Patrick Moore. Patrick Moore, did he have big eyebrows? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess he had pretty big eyebrows. Games master. Games master.

So why are you saying Norman Lamont won't fly? The one you should have gone for is Patrick Moore. No, I'm saying we had these references for our big eyebrow. Oh, we had plenty of big eyebrow people, didn't we? Yeah, that was... I mean, Norman Lamont's still alive, so he could still be a reference. I don't think he's cut through the way he used to. I don't think he's out there.

Is he on TikTok? This is it. Who are the new big eyebrow celebrities who need to find this information? This is crucial to us. Because of the advent of manscaping, maybe it's a bit of a, maybe is a dilemma in you know that's why where are all our heroes with large eyebrows where have they gone they've all been

manscaped to half an inch of their life like Clarkie how about this how about Cara Delevingne no we're talking will you accept Cara Delevingne she's sort of got famously large eyebrows hasn't she okay that? Is that where the on fleek thing came from? Eyebrows on fleek? Yeah, was that her? I think, by the way, you're listening to a thousand year old man. The thousand year old man was.

You're listening to the memories of Norman Lamont. Yeah. On fleek just means looking good, but eyebrows on fleek was it was a big thing a few years ago. It seemed like a few years ago everybody suddenly started really focusing on their eyebrows. And it did feel like you know on fleek was it arrived with the eyebrows for me certainly. Definitely yeah. It didn't arrive with like someone's bum bag bag It was like you know I feel like it started with people's eyebrows being flick and then graduated to bum bags or you know the like

This is actually a great opportunity for me to have a sip of my coffee now. Because it's... You know, I've got a brand new idea, right? For me to spit into my dribble bucket. Clark has been sipping on coffee all the way through the record. Oh no, hang on, sorry. It's just a constant stream of brown liquid pouring out of his mouth. Come on, crossbow. Do you remember there were two TV shows that are basically the same TV show. One was hosted by Michael Aspel, one was hosted by Ronnie Corbett and it was kids describing

things and adults had to work out what they were describing. Right. Remember that those TV shows? Really, really good. You had like a panel of kids like in a sort of celebrity squares, but they were all sort of pre-filmed and they would describe a word and you had to work out what the word was they were describing. It was a really great format. And I think it's one that's been tried.

They tried to relaunch it on a number of occasions. But the mistake they've made is you flip it round, you get sad old boomers like us trying to Try to explain who Olivia Rodrigo is You know, you call it boomer boomer shake the room out or something like that. Boomer boomer shake the room. Exactly. Yes absolutely Yeah, well as we know was a great hum by Fleetwood Mac. Puma, Puma, listen to rumour.

Listen to rumours. And then describe where there's on fleek or not. Oh, rumours, listen to rumours is another podcast we've got to start. We're living it in real life anyway. Just relaxing back, listening to Oh Daddy, having a great time with it. Just relaxing back, listening to Oh Daddy, having a great time with it. It can also be called Three Saddies Listening to Oh Daddy. That's the title of a podcast right there.

Would anyone, would anyone get involved in that? Would anyone tune in? House meeting! What's the worst thing you've considered eating? House meeting! So you think Enfleek arrived with the eyebrows? You think the first thing to ever be Enfleek was eyebrows? Yeah, I think so. And then everything else became Enfleek, aren't you? I think so, yeah. Yeah, I'm willing to accept it. I'm willing to accept it. I don't know the etymology of

on fleek. I remember when it sort of first... I do. Fortunately I do, so don't worry. Mercifully. How are your eyebrows, by the way, Tom? How are they? Great question, actually. Do you need to do anything to them? Because you've got a strong beard. No, I don't got a strong beard. No, I don't have a strong beard.

I have a weak beard. I think you've got a strong beard and a weak mustache. No, I've got this awful... You've got a little patch right down the middle, haven't you? You've got the parting of the Red Sea. And a kind of Wolverine-esque to the... where someone once thought I was deliberately going for that and I was mortified It's yeah, it's not it's not strong and there's patches everywhere So yeah weak weak beard game

As you've as you've said lousy mustache effort yeah and you know nothing going on up top so you know follic you challenged but no there's a guy that they're going on up top well the the the new die not the new dilemma but a fresh dilemma, a dilemma that's on fleek, is my hairy ears. Oh! And I don't quite know how to tackle it yet. It's cruel, isn't it? It's cruel that you've been, you know, hair in all the wrong places and very little hair in the right places. Yeah.

You know, even as a young buck, you've had a sort of hairless torso, haven't you? Famously, yeah. Very much Pillsbury Doe Boy. Thank you, yes. Thank you. You're very welcome. Yeah, those years when you were my PR, maybe I shouldn't have maybe I'm person there those press releases didn't help this famously hairless torso that builds me down by a comedy

look on in horror I the guy at the did those, I didn't know he was gonna do it, those kind of hot wax things in the ear. Oh, the hot waxy sticks. Yeah. Put them in the ear. The blue, the white blue. And then, boing, yank them out. And thankfully, I'd opened my eyes and saw it coming last minute,

because otherwise, I think I would have jumped a mile. I wasn't expecting it coming. And you would have, someone would have drowned. you would have screamed and started a tidal wave. Someone would have drowned. Absolute tsunami. Did you hear about the very localised tsunami that happened in just one Sydney barbershop? It was carnage.

They had to surf out on their combs. Like the Carlin Black Mable advert, is that it? Was that ever an advert where they surfed over a laundrette? Anyway. No, no. Tom, no. What you're thinking of is the Carling Black Label advert that Steve Frost did in 1986. Great eyebrows.

And it was a parody of the Levi's advert. it was a parody of the Levi's advert. It was a parody of the Levi's advert where the guy went and washed his, took off all his clothes in the laundrette. They saw him taking off all of his, they saw a guy taking off all his clothes in the laundrette sitting there in his underwear and the other guy says, I bet he drinks Carlin Black Label. And then Steve Frost goes, no, he doesn't wash wash his underwear and it pans out and they're reading their newspapers but they're covering up their junk they're sitting there completely nude. They surf out on surfboards. I don't think they surfed out on surfboards. I was waiting for the surfing

so much. It's like all of this sounds familiar there's one bit. Yeah. Maybe I've fused it with Tick Follows talk or something like that I Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The old Chris Cunningham. Anyway, great eyebrows. Great eyebrows. So Clarke, he did the full number on you then? He did the full, the full works. Did you order it?

Did he do the full works? Did he go up the nose as well? No, he didn't go up the nose actually. They can also stick those hot waxy things up the nostrils and whee, yeah, come out. Yeah, I was worried that was coming next and that never materialised. Maybe I don't have a hairy enough nose for it. I'm hoping that's the case. Possibly. Possibly.

Maybe you couldn't get a put enough purchase because of your slippery lip. Yeah. He was like, I'm not going anywhere. He was trying to get his elbows onto the bottom of your face and he was like, I can't get any purchase here. Because the other thing they do is they get like little fiery sticks and they like hit them on the top of your ear because if you've got the top, hairy top of ear, they like whack you with little flaming sticks and it just burns all the hairs off the top of your ear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anyone have something to say? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what happened. Is that going to catch fire to my head? Well, I don't think if you had long hair he'd do it, but I think- Not with the amount of slobber going on around your head. The good thing about you, Clarky, short ears and your short hair and your ears are standing out far enough from your head.

Yeah, that's true. He's at it again. The PR of our dreams. You've got a book, Clarky. He's got short hair and his ears stick out at an incredible angle anyway. The good thing about you is your freakish features. Yeah. You've got to lay off these compliments, Crossbow, about you is your freakish features. Yeah

These compliments crossbow today, you're really flattering as one is wrong golem. Someone doesn't want to carry the guitar You naked us this whole time I am that's the whole this has been a this has been a 20 year long neg this whole process 20 year long neg But yeah, yeah, that's that's good though and then like hot towels on the face or dry towels on the face No, but he did he did kind of rubbed some nice nice stuff into my face talcum powder He got some kid he just dabbed at me with some kitchen towel. Demonstrate just how good the kitchen towel was. He just changed the drip tray, didn't he? He just changed the drip tray.

That's all he had to do. He patted it into my mouth. It looks fantastic. You look amazing. Thank you. I'm waiting for what follows. Do you want to name this establishment to give it a bit of business? Oh happily it's called Smart Chaps. Smart Chaps. Smart Chaps, didn't it? They're cracking. Is it the first time you've been there? Is

it the first time you've been there? He's great. Levy? Yeah. He calls me young man. That's what you want, isn't it? Yeah. And when the Levy breaks... What are we doing today Levy? Young man water flows. When the Levy breaks he has to surf out of his comb. He did ugly title Levy. He did have to sit for four hours with his thumb in my mouth just to try. To stem the flow. Stem the flow. Saved everyone in Sydenham. So many areas currently experiencing drought, not Sydenham. Not Sydenham at all. Don't say Bob. Well anyway, you look fantastic. You look fantastic.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Yeah, you've got these short hair and your ears at an angle It's really working. It's really where really really good. It's like a Picasso. I had a haircut recently and Yeah, well listen I've been sitting on this gold Clarkie talking about is disgusting GoPro So I was I I had my haircut recently and I normally go to Jackson. Jackson is my man who cuts my hair. But unfortunately, the day I wanted to book my haircut and it was pretty urgent

because I had some sort of, it got to an untenable point. I was like, I want to get my haircut tomorrow. So I called up, I said, if you got anything tomorrow with Jackson, I said nothing with Jackson tomorrow but we've got Lulu so I had Lulu cut my hair but Jackson was there oh no I thought it was Jackson's day off that's why they had nothing but no Jackson was just chock-a-block all day so I I did just reject you there oh no yeah not that guy who knows he could have been there. On wetnet? No thank you.

Old deceptive beard. No thank you. I've fallen for his tricks before. Yeah, it was so unbelievably awkward. In that he was there and he didn't really acknowledge I was there. And then I said, oh, hi Jacks. He was like, yeah alright. And I was like, oh no.

This is bad because I am, you know, I, I'm on a waving terms with Jackson when I just walk past the hairdressers. Oh, no, not even go in. So I've, I've, I've messed up here. I, I, I, I hold my hands up. I've messed up. I felt so bad about it. And it wasn't even, you know, no, no offense to Lulu, but it like Jackson knows what I like he knows what I go for. But did Lulu bring something fresh? If by the Lord Farquaah from Shrek look yeah that's what yeah then yeah she did bring something fresh. It's not her fault you're that short.

Lovely Bob. You can't blame Lulu on your height problems pal. If you will go around wearing a small red skirt then you're asking for the comparison yourself. But yeah, yeah I, no, no, it was, she gave me something very, very uniform in length. Hey, we could handle another production of Shrek, couldn't we? You as Farqua, Clarky as Donkey, me as Shrek. That's not bad at all. That's not bad, is it? I think that's good actually, yeah.

That just rolls out. Shrek the musical. Yeah. I think we should, we should, we should do it. We should mount a production of Shrek the musical. Finally my famously hairless torso comes into its own. This is it. Yeah, Clarky don't trim that beard again, we're going to need every bit of it for Donkey. Ask them to hold on to the hair. I've never even thought of that but it's such a good look-alike for the three of us. That's really really why have we never done that as fancy dress at the very least because people stopped inviting us to fancy dress after after I came as Norman Lamont that year me as Patrick Moore you as Norman Lamont Clark is Ronnie Corbett We didn't go down well. Mad that I'm not Corbett.

Yeah. Absolute madness there. Absolute madness. But there we go. Mad that I'm not Clara De Veen. But there we go. It's Clara De Leveen. Clara De Leveen, yes I know.

Oh my God, I can't believe I don't sound like the oldest person on this podcast right to the death. Unbelievable. Oh, go back and re-edit that will you? Okay, Emma, we'll just get a few, a few clean Cara Delevingne's that you could pepper all the way through the podcast. Okay, uh, Parry, would you like to do yours? Just clean for the edit guys. This is just

clean for the edit. Okay. set please Cara Delevingne is on fleek this one just have fun with it you just got fun with it Cara Delevingne great okay Clarkie give us some of your best Clara De Veen's. Okay. Hang on, mop up your gob first. Yeah, just let me swallow. Oh no, he's watered with himself. He swallowed and drowned. His last words, just let me swallow. We shouldn't have let him. Clarky Piedras is in him. We should have just turned him upside down.

Absolutely soaking wet. Cara Delevingne. No. Cara Delevingne. That sounded like you were being attacked by Cara Delevingne. Cara Delevingne. Cara Delevingne. Cara Delevingne.

Cara Delevingne. Cara Delevingne. Cara Delevingne. Okay, go on, give it a go. Cara Delevingne. Cara Delevingne. It's good. Yeah. It's good. It's really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah give it a go. Cara Delevingne. Cara Delevingne? It's good. Yeah?

It's good. It's really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect. Okay. We're going to sound so cool and young. So Emma, just drop all those in throughout the podcast. All right.

Thanks very much. Sprinkle those around. House meeting. I've said it once before, but it bears a repeat. House meeting. Cara Delevingne. That was a good listen wasn't it? Wow. Everyone relax, you can recline again.

Oh my god, yeah yeah yeah, you can sit back and caulk your ear canals because no more listening is required for another week. Unless of course you join the Patreon. Yeah, at the same time, Clarkie caulks his gob. Yes. Whenever we finish a record, you don't see this because we switch off the cameras and he corks his gob for the rest of the day. Yeah, we also, if you think of joining the Patreon, the kind of stuff we chat about is which body part of yours leaks the most. That's the kind of thing we chat about. People email

in and we do not reply to those emails. My mouth is leaving the top three! It's so distressing, distressing to discover that. Banks are broken. And if you don't want to break our banks, by the way, do please. Yeah, patreon.com forward slash pappiesflash it. Clarky started sleeping in a jar of rice, haven't you? Like a cryogenic chamber. We just lower him in, bring him out in the morning. All right, well.

All right. Time to get on with our day I think isn't it? Yeah I'd say so, I'd say so. Have a wonderful day, afternoon, evening, morning, whatever you're having guys. Oh yeah whatever. We'll see you, whoever gives a fuck. We'll see you. I will have a kiss of fun I will see you very soon. Take care Please play the caution Cara done a mean