Pappy's Flatshare - Pappy's Flatshare ep 1603: Ed Jones “the maestro of pretending to be asleep”

Episode Date: February 18, 2026

How to get an upgrade on holiday? Who is Johnny Onions? And how much would you pay for someone to bang a bowl over you? We're joined by the brilliant ‪Ed Jones. Ed Jones - https://www.instagram.com/edjonesuk/?... Pappy's - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomed... Support us on Patreon -   / pappysflatshare   Find tickets to all our live shows here - https://pappyscomedy.com/live Produced by Olivia Swash with tech help from Max Brill Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to a very exciting guest episode with Pappy's Flat Shair. Wow! We were joined by a guest. Yeah. Can you remember? We were joined by a guest. Okay, well, that livens things up. Who was it? It was Ed Jones, the brilliant Ed Jones. You know him, you may know him from his fantastic online work. He does incredibly funny comedy videos. He's also a member of the brilliant sketch group, Crybabies, who have a fantastic.

Radio 4 series out at the moment and they'll be donated me this year so they'll be previewing around London and the world so please do check them out as well yes and if you're looking to check things out then why not check out the live flat share slam downs that we're doing this month we are going to be at the Phoenix

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What was that sentence? Crucially to enjoy. When my brother was about four or five, he was asleep in the car. Me and my sister wrote chump on his face. And then mom came back and was really upset. Can I ask a question?

Why wasn't your mom in the car while he was sleeping in the car? We'd stolen the car. It's happened a lot back in the day. They would go to the shops and just leave me in the car. I'm going to have Tesco, you guys sleep in the car. Was he asleep or as he passed out? Ted was asleep and so Mom was like, I'll go into the shop, you just keep an eye on Ted. Okay.

Because we were about nine. Sure. So we wrote Trump on his face. Was that the first word that came to mind? Was it in the moment panicking being like, what's the funniest thing we can put in their head? Yeah. Because now it feels like a strange place to go to. Yeah.

It's nicely mild. And then mom came back and saw what we'd done. And so I got the pen. And am I remembering this right? I know. And changed the you into an A, so that it says champ. It's a real badge of honour. No, you're a champ.

He's a champ. He's a champ. And then he woke up. If your old mum's written champ on your face. He woke up whilst mom had the pen on his face. So his thing is like, did my mom just write chump on my face? I'm only five. What's going on?

And he's never slept since, hasn't it? That's a deep complex you're going to get to that. That feels like a mad story, but I'm pretty sure it happens. Oh, bless his heart. It's why. Also, you go, well, I could alter it or I could wipe it off. No, no, no, no. This is a solution opportunity.

This is not a problem. I feel so much waking up and your mom's written jam on your face. Imagine waking up while it's happening. I know you're getting bullied at school. When you're going tomorrow, they're going to see champ written on your forehead. And then they'll think again. They'll think again. How weird.

Yeah. My parents wrote, not four eyes actually. There you go. On you go, son. It's genetic up and down my arms. Were you left in the car as a kid? I used to do this thing where if we would go to like,

somewhere, did like a lot of driving holidays in France, which meant a lot of like boring chateaus and castle visits, do you know what I mean? So you would sort of make a snap decision as soon as you got into the car park. Does like, does this look like a really boring excursion? And if it was, you just, you would down to like pretend. And I was, if anything, that was probably like the first acting I ever did was like, just pretend to be. And then they would be like, is he asleep? Is he asleep? Is he asleep? He's asleep. And then you I've got this. That was your mistake.

I've got this. He's talking to his sleep. Mad to think like as a six-year-old, I would rather be sat alone in a car. And they would happily leave me for, yeah, in a strange country. And they would happily leave me for like an hour. And they'd be like, oh, he's fine.

He's fine. He's fine. He'll be fine. Yeah. He's fine panting out. Give him a little bowl of water. He'll be okay. But yeah, that was like,

you had to make the judgment call instantly. But then I think it saved me a lot of, you know, that boring learning that your parents try and insist that you do. Yeah, your chatea knowledge is shit, it's a real gap in the arsenal of mine. And the pub quiz round. Oh, is it French castles again?

Oh, no. If it was French car parks, I'd be fine. And aces. The inside of hire cars, you say. Give me the pen. Give me that pen. Give me that pen. We're playing our joker on this round, boys. I used to do a lot on holiday.

I would stay. I would say, no, I'll stay in the car. I remember my family went to like climb Glastonbury tour or something. I was like, no, I'll sit in the car, listen to Radio One. It's just, yeah, just awful. Yeah. If I would like you, I know, they would. Because the alternative would be I would go with headphones on.

And I used to have a hat with little flaps over it. Just go with headphones on and not talk to anybody. So they're like, what if he's going to be a twat anyway? Be a twat in the car and not ruin the holiday for the rest of us. To be honest, me and Tom never knew that was an option. I'm going to sit in the car. And yeah, it is. You must have been good though, because the problem with

the trap that you fall into as a kid pretending to be asleep is you overact. Yeah, exactly. Like the classic is... Yeah. Feather coming up and dark in the mouth. Yeah, he's definitely... Half from nowhere over your eyes.

And a gun. Yeah, a bit like a porch. Yeah, the key's dangling. Yeah, the key's dangling. He's dangling. Bless him. He's asleep. He's asleep.

Bless him. Let him be. But it would be that. Yeah, you don't want to, yeah, you don't want to oversell it. As a six-year-old, just. I think you'd know, you find out where the mark is. And then you'd be like, this is enough. This is enough.

Have you still got it? Do you want to? Yeah, do you want to say, usually I charge for this, but do you want to see it in action? Okay. I think you've got to like. Oh, you're doing rapid eye movement. Oh, my goodness gracious me. That's, really.

We all say, oh, he can pretend to be asleep, but there it is. I thought that was a real hospital pass of a thing to do as well. He really proved it. You can do rapid eye movement. You can act rapid eye movement. Just a little bit, brother. What's going on there? How are you able to do that?

So are you ever still? No, no. I'm vibrating the whole time. Can't control it. Because the thing is, when I pretend to be asleep, I do night terrors. No, so I'm always screaming L Diablo, that kind of frashing around. kicking my legs because I feel like, you know, you can do too little. Yeah, of course.

Revealing deep personal truths. Oh, he must be asleep. I immediately pissed myself. This is here. This is rapid bowel movement. Yeah, yeah. Like I do when I'm actually asleep. It's the orphan just who we're looking for.

Absolutely right. Yeah. Clarkie writes champ on his face. It's just, it's fine. I'm a heartbeat doing that. Someone's got to. Yeah. Because the thing is, the temptation is to make a noise, isn't it?

If you're going to... Yeah, yeah. And I think it's from, you know, it's from cartoons and stuff like that, isn't it? You feel like, am I going to give a bit of a... Am I going to give it a little bit of the old... Yeah, that's nice. Which is, but I think... But it's...

It's Matthew, isn't it? That's right. Can I stop you for a minute? Is that okay? I love taking direction. Have you ever done it with like the sleep talking recording apps that you just record all night and then they give you like your kind of match of the day highlights of what you said during the evening. You've never done it.

It's very fun. My friend did it. It's like you obviously want to think that you're being really cool and charismatic whilst you're unconscious. But even when you're passed out, the kind of cool jock is coming out of you. But my friend did it. And he just throughout the whole evening just went, surely not. Surely not. Is he a Victorian butler?

Yeah, I assume so, or at least in a past life. That's really good. Surely not. Well, at least, you know, he's having sort of quite interesting dreams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Almost unbelievable. Yeah, or fighting for some kind of social cause. Yes.

Yeah. He's standing up for like, yeah, downtroddened renters. Surely not. Surely not, your honor. Yeah, no, no, I don't, I don't need to, like, I hear what comes out of my mouth while I'm awake. Yeah, exactly. I don't need to, you know, kick that hole in its nest. I'm fine, I'm fine.

Do you ever make the noise just as you go to sleep and wake yourself up? Oh, yeah. Oh, that. Yeah. Or a, like that's it. Yeah. Yeah, if you get, I've done it as well on, I've done as well as having a massage. Well, I did a, I did a, I did a, like that, which, you know, and also it's often a company with a little leg kick as well.

Yeah. You booted the masseuse. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Sorry, it just means I'm having a good time. Yeah, really enjoyed that. Kits you in the throat. I'm really sorry about that.

Are you a regular massage, man? No, I used to be. Okay. I used to be. And then I, yeah, I used to, I used to really like him. I used to, sort of, but then it feels, it feels like an incredibly indulgent way to spend. Yeah, I know what you mean. Yes, yeah, yeah, if it's the middle of the day.

My wife blew her student loans on massages. What? It was her thing. She went twice a week for a massage. Twice a week. She must be so loose. She'd never had that much money in her life. Easy,

mate. No, no, I don't mean that. Sorry. Sorry to say that about Jane. Do we have to fight now? I've just had a massage.

I'm really, really limber. I feel uncomfortable in the massage space. Yeah. Yeah. I've only ever had two in my life. And they generally commented being like, you seem quite,

you seem quite stiff. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just not quite. It's not that time In the shoulders, John. Like,

going into it just, I'm quite like a, quite a prudish. I'm like a man from the 1700, I'm like to, surely not. You're not going to. Surely not.

I've got a few knots actually. Yeah. Yeah. It's uncomfortable. That's it. For a thing that's supposed to relax you. Yeah. That's been the first half an hour.

Yeah. Yeah. You'd be like, can I leave my t-shirt on? Yes. And have you ever done it where you have, have to put on the kind of paper paper pants. Yes. And then what they use on

you is like normally some sort of oil type thing. Yeah, yeah. Turn them completely see through. And you're like, could I not have just kept my normal pants on? Why does it have to be paper? You're going to see it anyway, guys. Let's let's stop let's not add more layers to this tail. Yeah, I found because there's no like, there's no

kind of elastic to them. So they kind of just sit there. There's nothing like wearing a really, really old pair of pants. There's nothing really keeping it in place. There's no give in a pair of paper. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but and it's just the, and that just adds a whole other level of like,

well, that's an extra reason to be tense. Yeah. Because if these come down, then I'll say, people are going to see my balls and bum. And I, and I've paid 40 euros for this.

Is there an audience to your massage? Got these studio, those sues in there's teaching massages. I have a question. What's that? Is that the? normal. Does anyone know of the careers advisor?

I'm thinking of changing careers. Face down. Is every, yep, I assume everything's going to plan. This is all fine. The face down, the little hole in the table.

And everything goes to the sinuses. And they go, how's the pressure? You're going, no, that's fine much. The other thing as well is, I don't know if you ever done this,

got so relaxed that you just dribbles. Oh, no. So then they have to then presumably. Out of your mouth. Well, you know. Every hole's a goal. No, you dribbling out of my gob and you think now they're going to have to see it. They won't see it now, but they'll still clock that as they.

As they tread it. Is that a badgeron of that? Yeah. You'd aim for the drawl. Yeah. Like those kind of buttons that you have when you're leaving a supermarket, like how satisfied you're. And then the final one. I had a stroke.

Thank you. So did the masseuse. You're not allowed to do that. No one of your bad. What were the two instances? Because if you're not a massage person, yes. What's the,

well, my, my other half loves a massage. Right. So we went, Oh, well, we're,

oh, very good. The, surely not. Surely not. Guys, welcome to Shirley Notts. We're going to,

the massage podcast, where we talk about your best massages. She loves a massage. So she, we went, uh, on a kind of, we went on like a fake honeymoon. We booked a holiday to Italy and we were like,

why don't we just say that we got married? You did that? Everywhere we went. And everywhere fell for it. We went to like Claire's accessories before. Yeah, everyone's nice. Everyone fell for it. I'm not lying.

I taught people, I was dying. And everyone fell for it and gave me money the fucking chumps. There's only one champ here and it's the one lying to all the good people. Can I also just backtrack ever so slightly? Yeah. Like we told everybody and you started at Claire's accessories. You have to build up. You can't start at Harrod.

We were like 20, 22 or something. Yeah, and we were like, well, why don't we, we're obviously not going to spend that much money on the bit. So let's go like, let's go to Clays Accessories. Let's get an eight pack of generic rings. Right. Yeah. So, and then we were sort of. One for everything.

One for, one for. We can't stop getting married. This is. Yeah, yeah. It's really legal. look at that trying to explain to an Italian concierge we're exceptionally

it's eight rings you don't understand where I come from this is very good the yes we so we like pulled up to this hotel and then oh let's put

quick kind of an afterthought just whack them on and then but the funny thing is going up to the desk like going hello to you

here's my hand to really show it in their face just because otherwise you worried that at some point someone's going to say Excuse me, sir. You're not wearing your ring today?

Is that what's going on? I'm cheating. I'm just having enough on my honeymoon. Leave me alone. Trying to have a massage here. But that was, yes, that was when we had the first, I think the first massage of my life was like a couple's massage. What was the biggest perk of your honeymoon fraud?

We got a room upgrade. We got the honeymoon suite. We got a free bottle of Prosecco when we arrived. and yeah and but then I think with a free bottle of prosaco Clark you can't do it on your own you can't just go around on your own I just got married

arriving at my travel lunch Oh well Good afternoon You know And is the buffet all you can eat You don't want to know where the ninth ring is Let me tell you But if you pop a bear of paper pants

You'll seen find out But the Yeah they really like you say people are looking for reasons to be nice to each other and if you can just capitalize on that you can monetize that that's how you get ahead um so we got a very nice little upgrade and uh but then a sort of the downside of that is you spend the whole week worrying that you're going to get rumbled exactly and obviously no one is no one is thinking about it none of those staff members are being like oh i wonder if they're actually i don't know did you have like

how can you how can you get rumbled well it's like you know the great escape where they're all speaking, they've learned German. And then they give their passports and then their vets get on the train and it's like, and have a good trip. And he goes, oh, thank you very much. Surely not. We're like, well, well, done with the marriage. There's a single night in town tonight.

Well, slow me up. Don't mind if I, oh, no. The ring flies off your finger. Oh, zoink. Come a sedice. Zoink. What is there? What is that?

So was it a stressful holiday all in all then? I think, in the grand scheme, yeah, in the grand scheme of everything, maybe the balance was, was on the side of just being stressed. Can I ask a personal question? Yeah. Will you marry me? Did you take the ruse to the bedroom for a group? Ah.

Well, I'd just not have sex. Darling, we're married now. Just to look at you and think, who's this stranger? Put it away, will you? Like a bit of a spicy No there was no sort I think we were maybe too young to To know how to like

Get into that we didn't we didn't really have any married friends We didn't know what married people were like So we didn't we didn't have the the lingo The jargon to work with Fair enough Did you take it into the realm of tax breaks Oh yeah that we do Yeah that's genuine fraud

And now it's great We've got a fake mortgage Three fake kids It's a beautiful fake life we have together have you ever done a what's the best have you ever blagged black black yeah have you ever blacked black like a proper blag like that no i've done it for realsies i you got married i got married that's the biggest flag yeah yeah yeah in the just for the upgrade yeah in the in the in the end it was the upgrade they did it brilliantly it was really really

well done now that this is this wasn't our intention to sort of show that we were married but one of the boarding passes was like on like peach card when we handed it in. Oh yeah. And they said, why is it on peach card? I said, oh, sorry, I printed out and we said our wedding, our wedding car, you know, like our wedding stationery was filling the print. That's lovely. And they went, okay, and then we didn't think anything more about it until we got to

the, got to check into the, onto the actual plane. And they said, oh, there's something wrong with this boarding pass. And they tore it up in front of me. We were like suddenly like, oh shit. Like Chris Terran. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they did the old bluff and they went, uh, you've been a, you've been upgraded, but they said it to just me and how to you know, it's very much, you know,

I'm like, I feel very much on the X fact, you know, on the X fact and they get them in the group, they go, we don't like any of you, but you've got something. Okay, fuck it. They say you to Louis Walsh's house. Yeah, that's right. We're flying into Ireland to meet Ronan. But yeah, but no, it turned out to be, it turned out to be both of us. It was very, very, very exciting.

I get so nervous. I get so nervous with those kind of play-out scenes that you rip it up and the person just goes ballistic. You fucking can't back. This is my honeymoon, you bastard. The ring snaps in half. There's accessories. Zoinks.

But then we got on the plane. I've never been on one of those planes before, you know, you can, like, properly, you can lie down. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, technically, I had been on a plane before, and I had been on one of those places before, just not in that bit.

Right. And I was able to say in that bit. And then there was someone else who was on it, and he said, oh, is it your first time flying, whatever it was, business class or whatever. He said, you know, and I said, yeah, he is. He went, oh, let me take your photo. And I went, okay.

And I went to reach for my phone, and he took it with his phone. Was he like a member of star? And then immediately uploaded it to Facebook and said, I've just met Matthew and Charlotte. They're on their honeymoon. And he went, hope it'll go viral. I was like, what happened there?

And it did blow up. That was a mad thing. Because she was wearing a dress and no could tell whether it was blue and white or the gold and black. Yeah. But it was a really, and that was like quite disquieting

to start the trip of like some strange. He was just another passenger. He didn't work for the L.N. He didn't tag. I certainly didn't have never seen that photo. He didn't tell us what his name was. His first thing was, I'm going to put a picture of you on Facebook.

Good Lord. That's so weird. And he's also in business class. Yeah. He was taking pictures of honeymooners. He was the Tinder swindler. Did it? Did you feel like...

20 grand. Did you feel like a certain... You almost wanted to act as if this is perfectly normal. I'm in my comfort zone here. Yeah, but then every single bit of it, you know, the fact that you're being served a drinking in a glass or the fact you get real cutlery and stuff. You know that.

What is that? Because it's the... Cutlery. It's metal things. Okay, right. It's all the use of food. It's sort of metal things. The last 6,000 years.

It'll really help with things like Bob. And so on Ays and stuff like that. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I might try that out. Yeah. Um, I always thought they gave you like the weird kind of nubing cutlery. So it's not dangerous.

Oh, so you can't. Of course. Yeah, okay. But then in business class, they're like, well, you could be dangerous. Yeah. Weirdly, they said, you don't mind cut up your food with a box cutter. And I said, yeah, you know, why not? No, it's still, it's not, you know, they're not giving me a steak knife.

Yeah. They're giving you still. But they're still, you know, they're not much. Cheese wire to go to. Thank you very much. I still don't think they go full this could kill the pilot. No, there wasn't a guy coming around

with a big sort of stone wheel that doesn't look sharp enough I'll do that one for you. I was genuinely like, how is a stone wheel going to kill a pilot? You just smash him on the head in it. But no, it's impossible not to, you know, the second you're able

to lie down on a plane, you're like, I'm lying down, on a plane. Isn't that a nice thing that if you think, you know, if you ever reached a point in life where the fun of that completely wears off, then, then surely all joy is gone. If you're lying down watching Zootopia with a glass of champagne and you're not thinking, I'm not having a good time. This is nothing to me now. I can have to resort to taking photos a couple of couples. Can I ask a personal question? Yeah. Did you take it to the bedroom? Yeah. Yeah. I got them. Can I taking pictures the whole time? Yeah.

Get up in close. You want to get this? Yeah, get your nubbing out. He's stonewheeling his boy. No, Willie, I liked it so much. I said to Charlie, I'm staying on the plane for the whole holiday. Just be on the runway. Yeah, no, I've known.

We used to do a thing, and I'm sure Charlie won't mind this, because it didn't, it wasn't a bedroom thing. Right. It was just a fun thing to do on holiday. I was immediately regret asking the question. He's asking. Yeah. He's answering it.

I'm going to, yeah. No, I used to do this thing. We used to do a thing where we would pretend to be two different people on holiday. If you ever done that where you kind of would, you know, you do the thing. And I know the idea is you do it, you meet at the bar and you go up to a hotel. Of course. Yeah. Wasn't necessarily happening.

Just stay at the bar and get drunk. We just love improv. Yeah. Go to a conference room. Talk about share packages. Yeah. Yeah. I can see this.

Thanks for bringing this to my intention. But yeah, I used to be a guy called Johnny onions. Johnny onions was my. Is that self assigned or was that was that given under you? I think Charlie gave me. Johnny onions. And as John Union's got like an accent? He's got a clicking problem.

He's got bad joints. He's got rheumatoid arthritis, yeah. You can hear Johnny onions before you see him. Oh, here he comes. Yeah, that's just the sound of my knees. God live royal, please. Make it a double. By the way, I can't go for a massage.

I'm basically made of riveta. But yeah, Johnny O'Neum, just talked a bit like that. He was a bit like that. Wow. Oh. That was Johnny Anions. Hi. A line of work for Johnny onions?

Or was it freelance in between things? It would always be like, it would always be a little bit different. I'm just, I'm here on business. I wouldn't try and make it. I'm putting it down. This is, this is my me time now. Yeah, exactly. Can you just give us John unions asleep?

And actually. He was in the group. He was a horse. That's right. Charlie would put. a little bit of peanut butter into my mouth to make me talk. Hold on, draw your own. At the end of the hell of that.

He turned you into glue. I'm not on the flight home. Yeah. Matthew's not come back. I've got this gorgeous bar of soap. What pick? What was her character? I think she was Charlie.

I think she was a son. You'd already been assigned. What she's established is she didn't like my personality. I won't spend any time with Matthew. I'm going to be a son. Can you just be someone else and pretend to be like interesting and I don't know, do something other than have different opinions maybe? Like your brother?

Oh, so what? You know, I'll just be me. Just you, but taller and more successful. I'm sorry, you didn't actually get the party in the end. Gone with someone else. I've gone with Meskel for Johnny. Fair play Oh well

Anyway I'm really pleased I told you about Johnny's Yeah Oh dear me So no But he never made it's the bedroom He never made it's the bedroom My

my alternate personality wasn't good enough either I've got to I tried I tried Wowie. I'm supposed, I've been told I'm good at giving massages. Yes, this is the thing, isn't it?

You've got big hands. Big hands. Yeah. Walmart. Yeah. You always take a knee as well, don't you? But right to the small of their back. My sister trained as a sports massies.

So for a while, whenever you'd go home to a family gathering, she'd put the massage table up in the front room and then just go at it. whoever would let themselves be gone out. Christmas morn. Just massage Christmas dinner day in my throat. I've done it again. I felt like on the massage day we shriek Merry Christmas on my face.

So, so like it was like a, like the, and sports massuses is like that, that's intense. That's not enjoyable in any way. Yeah. Have you ever had one like a kind of proper physio? Yeah. And it's just like being, by my sister.

It's just like being beaten up. You sure it was a massage? Yeah. It feels like an. excuse to just go at someone yeah she put up the table you didn't

go anywhere yeah she'd beat you up in the yeah just happened to a beer at Monopoly

and get in that scalp who's talking I mean obviously people who you've given massages to but have you

are you a kind of have you massaged anyone who you weren't in a relationship with and if so why that's conversation

started that's the first one in the box there's 500 of these? No, I don't, maybe I have. I think it's always been like family members or friends.

No, like members of Parliament or anything. Not that I can say whilst we're recording, no. There was a, we went to, we did a set at Wilderness. Oh yeah, the festival. Yeah. Have you ever gone to Wilderness? No, I don't think so. It's very funny where it's like, it's a lot of parents who's quite well off parents

whose kids have just gone off to university and they're like, do you know what we never did? The festivals. We should go. And they go into ASOS and they say, they type in festival outfits. Yeah. And they spend like 300 quid on a,

like a sequined onesie. Yeah. They're like, this is going to be great. And it's like, I think the Camerons go there. Yeah. It's that kind of a high. Incidentally, we did the worst set of our lives at this thing. Yeah.

But one of the like little stalls they had was like a pop-up massage. thing. So they just had loads of chairs just ready to go. And they're like, hey, would you like a, do you like a massage just to just to loosen up this weekend? Yeah, yeah. It's actually like, just to recover from that dog. I've had terrible set, terrible sleep. Yeah, okay, I'll have a massage. And they're like, okay. And then you're on there for like 20 minutes. Like, oh, this is lovely. This is really, really nice. And at the end, they say, so we're just, we're just taking donations today. Right. Okay. And they don't tell you what for, you've been done. But just the deep set patsy within me is just like, what is the biggest, like the, the, like the, the,

smallest biggest amount of money that I can give to this person just to make this slight discomfort go away as fast as possible. It has to be a note. You can't be rifling around for coins. Because then because then the machine comes out. Oh, no. Then you're going to type it in. It's kind of free. It's just whatever. And you're, they ask you. It's like, how much would you like to give? Rather than the secret kind of turning it. I am on my honeymoon.

I'll have to ask my new wife. Sam Camp. Do you want to take the rings off? I can do. But yeah, but it was, I think I did like 40. No, that's way too much. I know. That's way too much.

I didn't even ask like, oh, is there like a just so much, so much discomfort in one moment that you're just like, please get me out of here. Can I get a back receipt? Yeah, exactly. In a way, I was like, I would put at least a 20 pound awkwardness fine on top of that. So it's like, if I give 20 quid, I also need to pay the awkwardness tax. It's like just to just to get me out of it. Maybe like eight minutes. Oh, no.

It's to split that. Wow. That's a horrible weekend. Yeah. I think you could have gone to 20. I think 20 I'd have accepted. I was thinking 10. I think 10's all right.

For 8 million massage, 10 quid, yeah. I've paid over the odds by four. Oh, that's grim. Did you not then go, by the way, here are my three friends. Massage you for everyone. Yeah. Oh my God. So we bought, because we had the first time we went to Glastonbury, we didn't know what it was.

Yeah. far it was to get in. Right, right, right. I mean, we knew it was an amazing festival. We knew, we had a vague idea of all that stuff. We knew it was a town in Somerset. But we were like, let's load up. Crosby chose to stay in the car.

It's right. It'd just been miserable the whole trip. This is Greg James. It's a good show, man. Covering Glasdenbury. The radio one coverage is great, actually. And we walked like, it turns out to be like fucking six miles or whatever, and we had everything and you really hurt your back.

Yeah. So he was in a really bad way for that. the first day and it was like this is going to be really grim if you're going to be like this so I took you up to the healing fields you're going to be like this you're going to be like this he was a broken man we took you up to the healing fields and you got repaired by um by a massage didn't you well yeah but I don't think that was a 40 quid massage no that feels very not in the spirit of glastonbury yeah and Tom paid for me as well yeah and she bought she banged a bowl over you did yeah after I gave it the 10 quid

She gave me some heather, a little bit of a curse. There you go. I got a bowl out. It was like, come on. A bit more. Have a great weekend. Hexon and you and all your family. The killers are playing at four.

You can probably make them. What's that stoke wheel for? So it was like that was the bit where, because the massage was doing its thing. But then she got a, a bowl out. Something healing. Wow, very nice. A sound gong.

Yeah. Like a sound gong. Yeah. sort of sound bowl thing as opposed to the old silent gongs nothing worse than those silent gongs god I hate it when you bought a silent gong yeah hello about that gong you sold me

listen to this exactly exactly exactly that's where you go and see it at 7 a.m. on Sunday morning of glaston me he's like mate we could go see silent gongs they're still playing man I'm still coming up let's go the worst massage i think would be either the massage in the middle of the shopping center oh yeah yeah they're not a shop you know they're just in the middle and you're just there you know

if you got lean back and you've got to shut your eyes or i had this actually i had this yesterday the massage chair while you're having your hair washed at the hairdressers who you ever had that but you sit in the hairdressers and they wash your hair and they say do you want the massage chair on and you feel like a prude for saying no. Yeah. But it's, what is it? You feel like a pervert. Yeah.

Yeah. So like the kind of massage chairs you get in the service station. Yes, exactly right. And are they cutting your hair at the same time? No, they're vibrating. They're washing your hair. So you lay back and, you know, you've got your head in a sink. Yeah.

So you know what you want is really electricity and water as close to. Yeah. As close together as possible. Yeah. Would you like to make this machine go giddy up? You press the button. And then it's just like. Is it the kind of plates on the inside?

Yeah. But it just feels like sort of, it feels like a fist kind of coming into your back, sliding down your back, coming out, going back up against. That's just the work experience. Sweeping hair and smashing backs. Get inside the chair. It's good job you weren't John your onions. It's had it like a firecracker.

Actually, there's a lot of potential in this business. I'd like to buy 10,000 of these chairs. But yeah, it's just the whole process of having your hair washed by another individual, extremely awkward. Now that I've now weirdly for massages, hate massages, but like haircuts are now my, that's my sort of,

blow my student loan on a, oh here we go. This is that, they're now my ultimate joy. If I ever need a little pick me up, it's going, go and go and have a nice little haircut. Yeah.

I'm too awkward for hair. Too awkward for hair. So, yeah. Tell me about it. I can't abide it. And also my local barber doesn't do that hair wash.

And I'm like, Really? Yeah. Bone dry institution. Yeah. What does he do? The spritz all around. Give it a good old sprits.

It's just silent gong. Just to get you in the mood. A lovely silent gong in the middle of my way. We're just taking donations afterwards. You've not actually cut my hair. 40 quid. My hair is about 20 minutes longer than it was when I first came in here. My awkward massage was I was doing a show in time?

And I had some terrible shoulder pain. I'm a bit stressed. So you left the stage. You said to the audience, I'm so sorry, the shoulders blown up. This is a word. Back in 90 minutes.

I think it was literally between tech and show. I went down to Chinatown. And there was a massage parlor. And I had... Did it have, by any chance, a big lit up sign? Yeah. It's like in an alleyway.

Yeah. On the way to Lester Square Choose. So you went to Soho. And I was given a massage, you know, and I had to choose a massage from a menu. And I suddenly started to... to think,

pork and prawn, I suppose, is it a number 53? But I suddenly was like, oh, this might be a, it might be a sex massage place somewhere in the vicinity.

That's okay. You can't spell sex massage without massage. And so, he wasn't thinking about his shoulder anymore. But then they put me in the shop window. Oh, no. Because I kind of,

I kind of said, like a peaking duck on some hooks. It's an example of you. Someone came in and bought me. I don't. Put me in a ramp. So I was kind of like quite nervous then about I didn't want to be lead somewhere like...

Well, you're wearing paper pants, weren't you? Sweating through my paper pants. Models owned. Oh, this isn't a hairnet. I'm so sorry. Let me pop on one again. So they put me in the shop window. I said, I'll sit here and there was like a chair in the shop window.

And they're like, I'm going to be tourists. And people are doing fast. And I'm like, I'm not a person. Why were you pressing your face against the window? Did they say, look, for your money, we can't afford for a person to do your massage, but rubbing yourself up against that window? Like a chair that came out, so you're facing into the street. And everyone's coming past like, what time of day is this?

It was like three in the afternoon. Wow, we. It was bad times, man. And I was so stressed. I came out of faith. Just made things so much worse. Worse had a job of my life. It was brutal.

It was like. awful. I don't want to be in a shop window. My God. I've had the sex shop. Yeah, can I have that blow up dummy, please? The one in the window.

The one with the realistic sweat beads. Some sweatbeats is mainly the beads, actually. I came here for beads. I had a massage once where the masseuse wouldn't stop talking

and was doing like what felt like material. Oh, right. She was going, I went to the pound shop the other day. Nothing there's a pound, is it? I thought, I'm having that. Yeah, yeah.

I do it, but she's the next guest next. Oh, I'd love that. A pod where we pod as we're being massaged. Well, you do a good massage. How would you feel about having a third massage of your life? This is it. Tom will. This is why I'm here. We'll see if Tom can make you dribble.

And all the cameras are coming up. Right, yeah, front floor level. Yeah. Yeah, that's quite nice. You can get a channel, channel five celebs going. It's a chat show. Yeah. It's called Under the Table.

Yeah. Yeah. This is kind of the energy with all the TV industry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I guess it could be that. Yeah. Why not? Have you just come up with your new subway takes? Is that what you've done? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

This is your subway takes where it's you and the guest and it's two shots. You can do it over zoom. You can do it. Oh, I think music videos should bring come back into place. Still doing it on the tube. I agree, actually. I miss them. We have too much juice these days.

100% agree. You've got too much juice. You're dribbling all over the camera. I agree. Then at the end of everyone has a sleep. Yeah, perfect. It's the kind of podcast you can have on as you're falling asleep. Yeah.

It sends you off. It's just nice to have the noise. still do it on the subway for some reason in the shop window and join in it I would watch oh Lord do you feel like your sort of

do you think your festival days are behind you now or do you still enjoy going to if you're not getting ripped off by masseuses do you enjoy a festival I think we've still there's still a bit

left in us I reckon but I think one a year Yeah, okay, so you really They used to be kind of Oh yeah, we could get two or three And yeah, we had three The festival season, yeah Whereas now it's surely one

And then six months To recover Yeah One ever so slightly bad night's sleep That's been up for half a calendar year Yeah And Crossbow now does hotels outside of the festival It comes in

Spets me a time with us Not a festival, yeah But it's absolutely transformed The Festival World Freed He's really enjoyed it again It's great I can't wait to do another festival. I'm doing Glasgow.

I'm not going to be on site at any point. I'm just staying in a hotel 40 miles away. But it's so spiritual. It's such a spiritual. This is a radio one. How about you? Yeah, I think I've now become quite a grumpy old turd with festivals. Yeah.

Just don't, don't enjoy them. That's okay. I think I just, it's like, it's feeling ground on your back as you fall asleep. It's like, it's 2026. me feeling ground anymore. I should never have to feel ground again in my life. It's watching a band and thinking I have cleaned myself with a wet wipe for four days and it's the same wet wipe. Yeah. It's like it doesn't feel like there's ever a point when you think I feel really relaxed. I feel really clean. I feel really relaxed. Yeah. That's never the case. You segue around

the site now, don't you? I do. Yeah. Big wrap around shades on. Like a tech bro. That guy. He's a very important man, thank you. He knows Johnny onions. He knows Johnny onions. He knows Johnny onions. He made Johnny onions.

Yeah. I mean, the only one I think I could see myself going back to would be, have you ever done a festival, which is in like a Butlins or a Pontins? Oh, no, that sounds quite fun. Yeah, that's great fun. That's how he describes his family holidays now. Yeah. I'll just be in the carlinson radio. I want if that's all right.

But like you get a chalet, so you get your own bed. You know, everyone's playing indoors. It doesn't really, it shouldn't, that should be a roof and a bed. Yeah. It should be the bare minimum, shouldn't it? Human rights wise. That feels more like they're sort of like, like SAS, like you get in, you do the set, you get out. Yeah, absolutely.

No witnesses. Nobody, nobody saw the set. Yeah. You complete the mission. Meet us at the Evac and we'll choppy. you out of there. Absolutely. And in the, in the interim, you get to watch Shed 7. Yeah. So, yeah. Everybody's a winner. And it stands up. It's still good. It's still good. Sounds up. No, I like the ground. No washing. I mean, I still need that. Yeah.

I do have like a, like a Pavlovian effect of having a warm beer, a warm can of beer. Now tastes nice to me because I'm like, festival. Yeah. That's, that's lovely. that is that's a lovely thing isn't that nice isn't it nice to have nice memories of I'm sorry listen

should we pop the kettle I'll have a beer come on let's have a piping hot beer half boiling hot water we'll all have a really lovely time every time you hear someone bang a bowl

yeah you're just transported back because we went to download well that was the that was Ed Jones in the can and on the mic. Absolutely right. And if you enjoy, listen, if you're only listening to this,

you're only getting, I would say, about 40% of the fun. Oh, yeah, you're right. I think so. I think so. So get yourself over to YouTube where all of the episodes, full episodes are there to watch

plus loads of fun clips. But I mean, you know, the full episodes are what you should be watching. Get yourself to YouTube. Pappy's Fatshare over on YouTube. Go there today. And what if we were fans of social content,

Clarking. Oh, absolutely. You got to check us out on Instagram and on TikTok, please. Yes, indeed. Pappy's comedy

on Instagram and Pappy's flatshare on TikTok. Check out the Patreon. Keep well. Today's episode was produced by Olivia Swash.

Hello. Cheers, everyone. Bye!