Pappy's Flatshare - Pappy's Flatshare ep 1606: Is no one sh*tting at the BRIT Awards?

Episode Date: March 11, 2026

Who has Parry had in the back of his cab? Would a 1940s party be awful? And why was Brum ahead of his time? Pappy's - instagram.com/pappyscomedy www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshare Support us on Patreon - patreon.com/pappysflatshare Find tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/live Produced by Olivia Swash with tech help from Max Brill Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to a very exciting episode of Pappy's Flatshare. It is exciting. It is exciting. It was the night before podcast. Yeah, that's what you want. Guys, in this episode, we're going to take you to the very brink of podcasting.

We're not actually going to podcast, but it's going to feel so much like a podcast. It's almost like virtual reality. Okay. Well, let's get into this. Let's get into it, guys. We have a lot of fun. We talk about all sorts. discuss the idea of going to parties and other things.

But before we get into that, we've got some live records coming up for our flagship, Flat Shared Slamdown, Knights. Yes, indeed. We have, and they are always a party in themselves. We would love you to come along. We've got two coming up very, very soon. On Monday, the 30th of March, we have two sensational guests, Mike Wozniak and Rosie Jones.

That's going to be very, very exciting. And then on the 6th of April, just a week later, Monday, the sixth of April, we've got two St. Douglas and Chris Cantrell. Very, very exciting to host those guys. It's going to be a lot of fun. Looking forward to it, we would love to see you there. Tickets from pappiescom.com

forward slash live. And they are, both of those shows will be at the Phoenix in Cavendish Square in London's glittering West End. That's right, and those tickets are discounted if you are a member of our Patreon. Please join the patron. Not only did you get those discounted tickets.

You also get a bonus podcast every Thursday. And also that warm, fuzzy feeling of knowing you're supporting your boys on their journey of podcasting to the grave. We should say one thing though. If you arrive on the Sunday, you'll be there the night before podcast. And that's no good to anybody. You can cat.

Do you think we've got any fans who like to camp outside? Like, you know, like when the new Star Wars movie used to come out and people would get there at midnight and just camp all night to watch the first showing. That's what we want, guys. For a very special discounted rate, you can camp in the street. Pete. I haven't thought this plan through actually. No, ditch that play. We'll work on that.

Join the patron. Support us on our socials, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the like. Recommend us in the real world as well. Tell people that if you think they'd enjoy this and show them where to find us. Yes. And if you ever see Clarkie in the street,

please invite them to a dinner party. You'll find out why in just a moment. So the other day I was invited and attended a party. Congrats. Yes, thanks, man. Thanks, man. It's finally happened. It's finally happened.

I finally got a social calendar. It was one date and now I'm retiring. Yeah, yeah. Did my debutante's ball and now I'm gone. I'm out of it. Now, I got invited to a... I'd love to be announced. What's going on with you?

What are you eating? A bit of skin. Oh, you're eating your own face. Oh, you're eating your own skin. It is my own skin. Yeah, Hannibal Lecter in it. Why not? If only Hannibal Lecter is stuck to his own skin,

yeah. It wouldn't be in this problem. Exactly. first place, would we? Is that skin that was already in your mouth from around your mouth

or is that you've got that from another part of your body? Skin from somewhere. Okay. I have already forgot where though.

And it's definitely yours, yeah? Yeah. We've got to go through it. What are your top five bits of skin to chew on? Where do you like to go? It's guilty of pleasure

chewing your own skin. Do you not think? Uh, you're going to go just with pleasure? Yeah. Where's the guilds? Just enjoy yourself. Yeah.

It's the It's one of life's truest pleasures. Listen, if God hadn't wanted us to chew it, he wouldn't have given it, right? In the first place, we've got, we're covered in skin, more than we could chew on. You know, and the older you get,

the chewier it gets. And the less good you are at chewing. And the less good you are at chewing. Oh, the irony of life. Slowly we're turning into toothless built on. Have you met toothless bills? Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.

So much soul. So husky. The backstory about him, and a hobo we're not sure about. He might have made that up. Just believe the lie. It's fun. It's fun if you do.

It's fun if you do. Sorry to interrupt your meal. Yeah. Sorry. Do you want to have a bit of my own skin? Add a little bit as if a water may be issues. I hate to waste it, but you may want to wash it out of your mouth because I can see it swirling around.

I was about to say, I'd love to be introduced at a party like in the old. days. But I think if I come down the stairs chewing my own skin, I don't think I'm going to get a dance. Going home and married again, mom. Who's the guy? You didn't chew your own skin again, did you son?

Oh, no comment. He's desperately trying to gnaw his own elbow. My mom's Popeye. Oh, go, goug, gong. Oh, boy. Anyway. Sorry. No, no, please.

I don't apologize. What I like about this podcast is we can be as relaxed. It's still in there. I can see you doing it. I want us to be as relaxed as possible on this podcast. And if that involves you, you know, peeling off a little bit of your, of nature's, nature's candy. Nature's wrapping.

Nature's wrapping. Nature's wrapping. Exactly. How big is this bit of skin? What are you? Tom, please don't tell me you've finally been circumcised. He's doing it bit by bit. He's convinced.

Nibble by nibble. I thought you're in the toilet for a long time. It's my favourite away is the son. Oh dear. Oh, boy. Right, I think it's gone. It hasn't done. The podcast.

Yeah, yeah, it's gone, mate. Let's turn it all off and start again. Your respect for me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone.

Anyway. You went to a party? I went to a party. Yeah, so. House party? No. A party party party with a venue. and, you know, proper...

Paperless post? Paperless post invitations. Exactly right. Yes. Yes. It was a birthday party for an old friend, right? So I've known for a long time. And 45th, which I guess you're...

He is an old friend. Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Which I guess you're allowed to do if you're our age because your 40th was right in the middle of COVID. So you can't do a belated... You may as well just do my... Do a big 45th. That's what it was, right?

Anyway, get to the party. And as I'm going in, I see a couple of people I know. And we're chatting. and we're walking in and they take their coats off and they look amazing. Oh no, you've misjudged it.

Oh yeah. Oh, baby. He's got a gorgeous suit. She's got a phenomenal red dress. I arrive. The husband of the person who's party is, so the partner of the person's party

is white tuxedo. Where are you at? What's the venue? We are at... A good palace. I thought it was perfectly acceptable. perfectly acceptable to receive my OBE. Yeah.

No, it was, yeah, we're talking about a, a bar where they've hired the entire place, okay? So, a really nice, sort of,

a really nice function room. There's a bar. You know, it's catered. It's very, I had a dinner beforehand. Have you gone back, have you gone back

and looked at the paperless post? Well, this is the thing. I, to be honest, when I saw everyone's looked dressed up, oh, I was really, really made an effort.

What are you wearing? You know what I'm wearing. You know what I'm wearing. Oh, cross me. Well, I can tell you what I'm wearing. I'm wearing black jeans and a jumper, aren't I? Because that's what I wear. And that's also a hangover from COVID.

Where I went, oh, what's the point having shirts? Yeah. Get rid of them. You know. Shirts have got far too much going on. Yeah. It's like I could take the jumper off and hope that everybody's a big fan of the lemonheads. Do you know what, all right?

If shirts. Yes. The deal with shirts is you have to put a lot of effort into putting them on. Yeah. Before you even put them on, you've got to iron them. So there's a lot going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If at the end of that turmoil, the shirt goes, people are never going to see you sweat.

You'd be like, this is worth it. Yeah. But at the end of that journey, the shirt turns around and goes, it's all going to be out there with me. Yeah. I'm hiding nothing. Yeah. And also, like, you're not even going to look like you've made a particular. particular effort.

You're going to look weird in me all night. Yeah. And I'm going to chuck your sweat out there for everyone to see. There's no secrets with me. And if you spill something on me, I'm going to fucking scream about it. And it's like, what, what's the point in you, man? You're a shit wing man. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? A nice dark jumper. That's what you want. It's got your back. It's got a bit of, and it's also. It's cozy. You splash a bit of beer. I'm not telling anyone.

He's fucking stink, mate. It's between me and you, bro. It was a dark. Tom. He's sweating like a fucking trooper in here, lad. And I'm keeping it all in. It's like fucking grey, man. You've got my back.

Yeah. I'm my front. I'm a pit. Yeah. Jeans and a jumper. It's just it hides a multitude of sins. Yeah. AKA my built-on bodice.

Or as, as Perry says, it hides a multitude of snacks. But yeah. But actually, to be honest, I was cracking about the party. You're thinking, oh, everyone's made a real effort. Do you? No. There's two ways this could go. Yeah.

Are you the cool guy? No. It's never that way. Not a 45th. I don't think there's any left, are they? No. So what you are then is like the equivalent of when my nan remarried? I was going to say, yeah, that's it.

Do you remember? Like a goth at a wedding type vibe. My nan remarried. Yeah. And all the grandsons and daughters were like, so we were ushers. Mm-hmm. And. Uncle Jim's

nephew turned up in trainers Yeah And we were all like Do you not love my nan It was a great speech by the way Hey everybody Do you not love my nan Who doesn't love my nan

Do you not approve of the union Yeah Have you not moved on Do you think it should be you Do you think it should be you Marion my nan Look Your nan's dead

Get over it My nan's the new nan in town Now all right mate Get your fucking shoes on Yeah What did you wear to her funeral? Shoes. Exactly.

You don't have to call a nan. I'm calling your bloke Uncle Jim. All right. Listen, let's not go too specific. Cheapers, creepers. But it bothered a lot of people. It certainly bothered you. Get your fucking shoot.

Get your kickers on. It's 1994. Where are your kickers, lad? Got my kickers on. That's the acceptable face of the trainer with the suits. But nobody was like, do you remember like the mokker?

in style kickers. I remember those. Yeah, yeah. It's okay if you don't. No, I just never had any. It's quite a sad memory. Oh, there you go. Yeah.

It's gutted never to have kickers. Did you not love my nan? If you love my nan. I did. That was the real tragedy of it. Can you kickers on for my nan, dude? Sadly, my dad had kick at the bucket. And when your granddad moved on,

you get me. trailers off. Anyway. Anyway. So you're cutting around the place. You're not the cool guy. I'm not the cool guy. Even though.

Or the bad nephew at the wedding. Even though, by the way, I feel like, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm neither. I, I look like, I, I mean, I've been, I've been divided. Exactly. I look like I was, I've walked, like, right, look like I'm an alcoholic who's walked past and gone, that's something going on in there. It could be a free bar. Yeah.

So I'm that, I'm that. You're Vince Vaugh. I'm Vince Vaughn. I'm a wedding crash here. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Anyway, but I don't really think about it that much until I get home and I'm talking to talking to Charlie and I say, tell you what, everyone was really dressed up.

And she said, was there a theme? And I went, I don't think so. She went, what was everyone wearing? And I described it. And it was like, oh, yeah, there were more, there was more than one person dressed as a flapper, you know, from the 1920s. And then I went back and I was so fixated on the postcode that I didn't really read any of the rest of it. I was like, right, I've got to get to a different. It wasn't in London, to travel,

I had to get in a car, to work at what time I'm leaving. I have to work out where I'm having dinner beforehand. You know, how long's the drive going to take? I didn't realise that the theme was glamour and opulence. And I'm wearing a green jumper with a painted eagle on the front. You know that jump, you know that jump. We know that one of my four jumpers.

You've got three. I'd go so far to say it's your least glamorous jump. Yeah, absolutely. It's as far away from glamorous. hammer and opulence as you can get, Matthew. It says Grand Canaria on it. What could be more? Your holiday jumper.

Oh dear. A jumper I bought in a nature reserve for 30 euros on holiday in Grand Canaria because I've been so moved by the display, the sort of birds of prey display that I'd burst it to tears. Oh, wow. Were you tired? I was on holiday with my kids. Yeah.

It's hard, isn't it? It's not a holiday. No, they, they, they, they, they, the, perched into tears in the car park as well. Can you just give me something to crying to for 30 euros? Thank you. The Eagles were sweeping around and they were playing the, the song from Twilight.

There was a lot going on, you know. You know that I have died every day waiting for. You know that song really, really got me. So I was, I had a tear in mind. I thought, listen, if they have any branded merch of that eagle, I'm buying it. Leonardo the eagle they were selling

I'm taking it to an opulence party glamour and opulence party there was like a sort of fizzing glass of champagne on the paperless post you know you can make a little a little moving animation

but that's on a lot of in your defence the fizzing champagne thing you could stick on any party yeah this is what I thought we're gonna have a fucking party yeah so that isn't a clue

but you do have to read the small print of the invoice the small print's the postcode that's the big print I'm a details guy, not a big, squishy, twirley, serif guy. And in your defence, the excitement of, this is what I need. I need it. The excitement of clicking accept and seeing the little invite leap into an envelope and fly off your screen.

You're so excited to do that. Sometimes I don't even check the date. Like, fucking here we go, bing-bole-been. It's like, what have you just said to do? There's no way of finding it out. Come back. Come back. It's lost to the ether.

Yeah. The paperless post system? Yeah, I felt, I felt bad. I had to send a message the next day to say, I'm so sorry, I showed up in a jump with an eagle on the front. Yeah, but it is Leonardo the eagle. But it is Leonardo the eagle. And then you sang them the song from Twilight.

Yeah. But everybody looked amazing and you do feel like, but what's the alternative? Because say I'd read it on the day, what else have I got going on? Yeah. Suddenly you're trying to, you know, It's better just to sort of go, well, this is what I wear.

I wear jeans and a jumper, and I wear my DM boots, or if it's a hot day, I wear my converse. You know, what else am I going to do? I can't magic, you know, it would be worse if I went, Charlie, what have you got? Have you got anything that resembles in 19? Have you got a fluffer? Yeah, exactly.

He's the fairer in red. Days of Buchanan, yeah. I'd love it. But I think that's, that's still focus. in my head I thought maybe it was going to be a course their 45 because I went to a 21st birth of the party that was a 1920s themed yeah when I went as the table tennis table yeah I remember that and everyone was dressed as flappers and things so I felt a certain affinity to what you what you'd experienced yeah so when you were describing it was their 45th birthday I was like

is it going to be a 1940s you can't do that yeah we've hired a bunker it's a decade you can't can't do what eagle design have you got on it you have an eagle on his job on that armband on now I think about it that's on me so you can't really go with a fourth you can't you have to steer clear of that kind of decade yeah you're right 20's fine

30s no 40 even late 40s the end of rash That was mid-50s for the end of rationing, wasn't it? So what have you got? It's a late 40s party and where everyone gets a powdered egg.

Everyone's keen to go into the cubicles and they're doing their powdered eggs in there. I just need a lou. Come on, guys. Smell worse than normal in here, actually. I'll tell you about when I went to the Brits last year and I was at the Brits after party. The Brits Awards, yeah.

I forgot you. to the Brits. And I really needed a poo. When this really swanky after party. It's not happening. I really needed a poo. I had to keep for ages to go to the toilets. And everyone's going into the cubicles in threes or fours to do drugs.

Well, did you have to sideline with a pair of people? Dropping kicks. And the looks I got because I went into up to a cubicle on my own. And then I did a poo and flushed that came out. And everyone was just staring absolute daggers at me. And I was like, Is no one shitting at the Brits?

Come on, guys. Hey, listen, you do enough drugs. You'll be in there just like me. I was like, come on, guys. You do enough powdered egg, my boy. I was like the black sheep at the party for doing a poo in the toilet. For so many reasons.

And, you know, we've got to say, you know, congratulations of being nominated for the best breakthrough. Shouldn't have wore my eagle jump brief. There was a dress code to the Brits. Those cordial. raised a multitude of sins. I got my back.

You got my back, brown cords. You know, we are three men who've been told that we don't have smart enough clothes to podcasting. We have people commenting on the, on the, please can someone put a shoe on? Because I hate seeing your socks with your little toe sticking through. Good feedback though. We put our shoes on that. We put our shoes on that. That's a real progress.

On New Year's Resolution. Podcasting shoes, please. We can smell you from here. Why have you got your shoes off? It's disgusting. So, like, I've said yes to go to a party in two weeks

time today and I said, I'll be available to go. And the host came back with, oh, yeah, great. You're going to that one. That's the posher one. So it'll be smart dress. And it's like,

I don't think he's reminding everyone. No. No. I got that text. I was like, I don't think he's doing that to the rest of the people who are going to that party. Yeah.

Yeah. And it was kind of like, Can you not be going to that one? But there we go. And now I don't want to go. Well, that's it as well you think. I don't want to go to parties full stop. Really?

I had a great time at the party, but I will tell you a big part of it was I get to do a drive. You know? I'm not saying it was the entirety of it. I love celebrating my friend's birthday, but I also, a big selling point was, so you're telling me, this party is two hours away in the car. four hours in the car on my own with my podcasts yes please and there's a dress no no no no no two hours

away you say yes and will you please put on a no no no no I'll be driving thank you oh also I just want to remind you it's three miles away I'll be going to the long route thank you very much by the way the two hours drive away for something you've got to wear smart things to what are you doing then the amount the fucking, I've been to, the amount of funerals I've had to go to, this is how you know you're getting old or where you're going to a funeral more than parties. You're looking at the cadaver going, is everybody eating this? That's literally, don't, listen, if you're going to cremate it, just lightly, just

medium rare. It's as far as I, you know. Don't let that skin goes away. Absolutely. I love a bit of craptling off a granddad. Oh, dear. The one thing that's like bleak, than a funeral.

I don't know funerals aren't bleak. They can be real celebrations of life, but getting changed in a service station car park into a suit so that you can go to a funeral is the, that's the bleak moment. Getting into your SS uniform. S.S.O. as it's known. That's the bleak bit.

Because you don't want to get changed in a toilet cubicle, I don't think. That's even bleaker. Yeah. So I tend to do it outdoors in the car park. By the, by the, you're shielded by the door. You've opened the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Obviously, everybody else in the car. You've got one of those doors that's just one panel. I'm in an Uber pool. Uber pool's a bad choice. It's give me five minutes, guys. Because you can't travel in, you don't want to travel in your suit. No, you want to crease it all up. And if you're driving back immediately afterwards, if you're not staying in a,

and also, it's a bit like, you know, can we check into the hotel early in order to change and all that kind of stuff? That's too frantic. It's too mad. Yeah. The thing I'm always most jealous of as well is, you know, when you get to the wedding and you've gone, you've gone your suit and shirt and tie. Yeah. But there's always going to be one dude who has underdressed in just the right way. Yeah.

I'm trying to think it might have been, at least in Izzy's wedding. I think I've got a feeling it was a, he cast. He was like, I was like, I don't know if I want to wear a shirt today because it's going to be really hot in there. And I put a shirt on. I went away from wearing like a t-shirt and suit and then I arrived and it was exactly that and I was like that's what that person is doing that's what I wanted to do

and then old fucking shirt nemesis is like I'm suddenly sweating because of that yeah but the person who underdresses in just right or like the suit and trainers sometimes not on Nan's wedding though but like in like in the right way in like an evening dewy type thing

so you're saying I just hate it all The sort of... Outed all, actually. The attractive, thin, successful man. Yeah. That's okay. That's okay.

But when it's the three of us... Eating our own skin. Yeah. Sweating. Who those three guys in boo-moos? Who's the guy in the car park who's licking the inside of his own shirt? Any kind of dressing up actually gets me very stressed. Yeah.

Now that I think about it. Stress it up. Any kind of fancy... Not fancy dress. Like any kind of smart dress. Fancy dress. fine. Oh my God.

Fantastic. This is, I went to a cowboy. This is the last party I went to, I went out, it was like a cowboy theme. I don't think that's a strong enough theme. No,

I'm going to tell you why. I'm going to tell you why it's not a strong enough theme. It's because it allows people to buy a hat and nothing else. And I think that's, which by the way, which is how I turned up. Hello, cowboy. Nothing to hide the multiple,

multitude of things. I'm Woody from Toy Story. I've written Andy I've written Andy on the bottom of my foot and nothing else Yeah it's not a great thing And I will go limp when you leave the room What did you do for your cowboy?

What did you do for your cowboy outfit? Oh, I bought like a hat And I bought a gun And I bought a horseback Jesus Christ I bought a gun You went on the dark web. You know, hat, gun, gun belt, and the rest I managed to do from stuff from a wardrobe.

And then it's a wood. You chaps. Luckily I had my leather chaps from my wardrobe and my lasso. That stuff was just lying around. Yeah. And yeah, and then you get home, you take that off and you go, well, what am I doing with that? I had the ultimate version of that,

which is I did a fancy dress wedding in Texas that was cowboy themed. Yes, of course. So everyone... Does it count as fancy dress if it's in Texas? Well, this is kind of the problem. Yeah. Is everyone there, the two people getting married were English

who lived in Texas. So everyone there was English who had come over to Texas and dressed as cowboys. So all the Texan people were like, this is cultural appropriation. What are you doing? Yeah. Yeah, because someone's saying,

Yeeha, right? Sure. Yes, I am. Yes. At the end of every joke, I tried in the best man's speech. Absolutely right. Even the cakes in tears?

Yeah! Oh, great. And now the bride's mother is. You're too tense Howdy boy Howdy boy! Howdy boy But it's just

That must have been an odd sight So many like English people dressed as Yeah you can do cowboy party If you're not in cowboy country Presumingly this was somewhere in South London Right? Your party's to do that

Yeah That's sort of fine Yeah And also for you though Was there a reason behind the theme No It was just like They just picked it

Is anybody doing Because if you're going to do the slightly thing outside the box, is anyone doing cowboy builder? Is anyone doing something like that, you know? No, but nobody came as an alternative kind of version of anything. No one came as Jumeiroquire, the Space Cowboy. Oh my God. Do you know what?

Now, I've actually, I think it's a good thing. But you've got to say, and can I ask? I think beyond the Stetson. And I'm not trying to be controversial here, but obviously. Please don't mean it's about trans women in sports. The real cowboys No like if you go back 20 years

You'd have gone it's a Cowboys and Indians party is what you would have said Cowboys and Indians that's what we're playing Cowboys and Indians And you have a choice And indigenous people And so now obviously Cowboys and Indigenous Americans Yeah Is it did they give that as an option

Is it just cowboys It doesn't matter if you give it No one's picking it Tom What I'm saying is like But back in the day At least you had more of a choice for variety It was a better time is what he's trying to say, guys.

And we end the episode there. That's great to know. You had options, didn't you? You could go for your stets and or you could go for your headdress. You go for your gun. You go for your bow and arrow. Yeah. But I just feel like, I'm not trying to be controversial.

I'm not trying to be controversial. Tom, I've spotted a skin tag. I'm a two weeks. I'm just saying like you can't, you can't even have that variety. Yeah, it's very one-dimensional. Yeah. There we go. Let's go with that.

Yeah. So it was just a cowboys. Just cowboys. I believe, yeah. Which is a bit of a shame. This year we're doing a party and it's just Vickers, I'm afraid. It's just Vickers. Exactly.

I'm afraid it's a different time. That's what I'm trying to get to, I guess. But I'm making myself very nervous. Yeah, you're talking about it. Yourself. Because it's just, it was just cowboys. and cowgirls? Yeah.

Boring. Yeah? Cow people, really. Which actually sounds worse. Why are you hooked up to a milking machine? I misunderstood the brief. I was focusing on the post codes. Why are you wearing an eagle jumper?

It's tired. Anyway, how'd you get it? I want to talk you through the drive. So hang on. thopting out of parties now? I don't know. I don't know. I just, I suppose it's a certain kind of party. Like,

it's dinner parties now, isn't it? Stuff like that. It's going to like some nice food somewhere or go to some house. Do you go to many dinner parties? No. I was going to say, what Richard Curtis movie are you living in? How many dinner parties have you been doing your

fucking life? It's dinner parties now and you get some nice food. I imagine. Dinner parties now, isn't it? I'm putting it out in the, to the universe. I'm hoping a listener's going to invite me along. Are you cosmic ordering? You're cost me ordering a dinner party. Oh, he's not just food ordering.

A takeaway is not a dinner party. Oh, right. A dinner party for one, please. Now, when I come to collect it, I will be dressed as something a little bit offensive. This is a little heads up. It doesn't matter. This is an Indian restaurant. It's still not okay. I'm going to go 50 One day

Just to warn you guys 50 will be my party And you're going to throw a big party For 50th Yeah I'm not doing a 45 Okay I didn't do a 45

Yeah I was going to say the ship of sales slightly But I'm going to I'm going to do big 50 Okay that's nice Yeah I suppose there's a

Yeah He's not making 50 What a cheatscape What a fucking cheapskate He ate himself There's barely anything left of him Didn't parrot used to have legs He cooked in at himself

One of those famous dinner parties It's all dinner parties It's all dinner parties It's all dinner parties Just me Shall we retire to the conversation Pits Telling everyone a little bon mot

past the grape upon I've got a really long anecdote about a boat oh boy was there any moment when you got to the party where you thought do I leave and attempt to josh this up like

no what kind of judgment could be done what have I got in the boot of my car that's always the my favorite desperate moment is maybe there's something in the boots of my car. Now he did, he came back and he'd fashioned a hat out of some jump leads, which actually, if anything, was worse.

Hi, boys. Bapha, ba, ba, ya da da da da da da da. I don't think you've quite nailed the theme here either, Matthew. She's in a golf club as a cane. Just doing the Charleston on a spare tire. Yeah, but, ba-ba-ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ha. I always like that. That's the kind of, oh shit, what's in the boot?

What is in the boot? There's a lot of things going on in my boot, actually. Is there? Talk us through your boot? No, like, I couldn't know. That is the thing. It's like I don't, like, there's normally at least four or five different pairs of shoes for different members of the family.

Okay. There's things like a rope. I'm thinking like for your mom. There's blankets. There'll be. There's a rope. Do we know we're just going to sail past rope? There's cable ties, there's gala-so.

There's a rag that, does it smell weird? Does it anyway? There's stuff, there's stuff in the boot. There's right, there's stuff in the boot. Yeah, yeah. There's normally a cricket set. The only thing we've got in the boot at the moment is two large sort of faces that look like bears that you stick in the window on a sunny day to stop the sun from coming in.

I always thought you were going to say, so it doesn't look like you're driving alone at night. Well, I've got two bears in the boot. Listen, Goldilocks, don't try and break into this car. They're not out for a walk they're here, and they will rip you to shreds. That was like a thing, was that we ever told that? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Put something in your seat. Well, doesn't Noel Edmonds have, he drives a, he drives a black cab, but he also has a, he's got a dummy in the back.

A mannequin in the back. So he's got a manikin in the back so he can. drive in the in the the cab lane so you know the taxi lane that you or i yeah private citizens are not able to go in he can even though he's one of the most recognizable people you know and he's got clearly a corpse in the back or a manic you know who else so fry fry's got a black cab as well fry's got a black cab as well fry drives a black cab edmunds edmunds drives a black cab anyone else who's the next guy going to be i've driven a black cab Have you?

For filming purposes, I did a sketch for comic relief. And part of it was I had to pretend to be a cab driver. Brilliant. And I had Felicity Kendall in the cab. What a joy. She's got an ambulance. Pop the lights on. I had Felicity Kendall in the back and some GoPro's.

And then I just had to drive around the centre of London doing the sketch with Felicity Kendall in the back. And, oh, the buzz of actually driving a black. Yeah, that is the good life. Good lift. Give it five more minutes on that. But so I've, yeah, I could see, I'd get a taste for it. I could see, I could see the appeal of buying a black cab.

They're incredibly safe. That's what they say, isn't it? They're incredibly safe. Not when you're driving, presumably. But they're meant to being incredibly safe. Right. Is that why they've done it? I guess so, because they look robust.

don't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't feel like if you're, if you're going into the back of something, you're not going to be the one crumpling. Yeah, right, that means they're safe for you,

but not for anyone else. Oh, I didn't. Listen. Have I imagined that there was someone like, was there somebody Wolverhampton around driving like a Ghostbusters car? I imagine that.

I was always like the dream was like, when I grow up, I'll drive a Ghostbusters car. Yeah. Yeah, like getting a Batmobile or something. Yeah. There was someone near, Went near where I grew up, I had the Blues Brothers car.

You know, the converted police car, the Blues Brothers car. And there's someone who lives, again, really close to me now, who's got the American cab, the yellow cab. You know, you see him out on his driveway tinkering with him. I think that's the dream, isn't it? Very cool. Yes. That's a yes that suggests no.

You're on the fence about that one. Why are you on the fence about it? I think it's cool, man. Is that not convincing you, like my argument? Sorry, do you think it's cool? I hear your argument. I think it's cool, man. And I counter you, well, you're wrong, man.

And also, this is actually smart and awful. What's your beef with driving a big yellow taxi? I guess it's the... Like, I like the idea of driving a yellow cab in New York, if you're not a yellow cab driver. Okay. Like Edm, it's like, if I was Edmunds driving around New York in a black cab, I think that's a bit much.

I don't know. There's a lot going on. There's like a bit too much going on. It's like being an English person going to a Texas wedding. Yeah. It's the exact inverse of that. It's cultural appropriation is what it is. It's cultural appropriation.

And we're back to a, just part. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, you can't be. But I think if you're driving a New York cab, around New York and it's not a New York cab. Yeah. Aren't you constantly disappointing the people of New York who are trying to get a cab?

Well, isn't that why Edmonds and Fryer are up to? Yeah. Whereas this guy isn't doing that. He's just tinkering with it on his driveway and having a nice time. But he must be driving it around as well. I don't think anyone's trying to hail him. If you saw a New York cab, you wouldn't think, God, imagine the fair. Someone's, someone's earning their Christmas money.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess. I guess. I don't know. I don't know why it doesn't sit with me. I think the, uh, the, uh, idea of having a vehicle that's kind of from a film is a bit more fun than just having like a fire engine.

I think a fire engine is illegal, isn't it? It's got to be, surely a fire engine. It's got to be illegal. Maybe. I've just bought Brum. Have you? Is there any chance I could buy it off you because it's the perfect size for me? I was going to say, for you, for you, it's a roller skates.

For me, it's me and the entire family. You, you, um, you, you, um, you, you, you do. Turn up to a glamorous and opulent party with Brum. Throw your key to the guy. Park it up. He's like, I can't. Brum drives himself, right? Brum is a self-driving car.

What years before. Ahead of his time. Ahead of his time. Brum was a self-driving car. Say that, Elon. I adore Brum, by the way. I think the idea... Do you know what?

I used to watch it with my kids, and they basically stopped watch it with me because I would get so excited about seeing. That's really sad. I would be like, seeing Birmingham in the 90s to me is just a thrill beyond measure. Because there's this foreign country for you. Yeah, the past is another country. Exactly.

Yeah. I was like, who wants to time travel kids back to Birmingham in 1989 or something? Yeah. Is Brum still on then? It's on eye player. It's available now. It's not. Get that, a bit of Rosie and Jim.

Oh. Oh, I love it. See the Midlands in style. Absolutely. Either by the canal boats, the best way to see it, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

He's having none of it. He's not. He's not. He's not. All right, Clarkie. Clarkie, I've got to, I've got to, you know, I've got to, we've got to. It's fancy dress.

Oh, lovely. It's a dinner party. It's a children's TV show set in the 90s in Birmingham. And it's, it's quite a narrow theme. Narrow boat thing. Go on, Like, round off the podcast by telling us, right, you've got the entirety of all vehicles from pop culture.

You've got to get one of them. The rest of the year, you're travelling around what you're going for. Oh, that's a tough here. Because I think, just to give you a bit of thinking time, Batmobile, right? You can't be going, Batmobile, can you? You can't be going to be like, Ghostbusters is sort of fun because there's sort of like a rag tag and bobtel gang, aren't they? There's something a bit ramshackle about it. You can't be going Knight Rider or Batman.

I think, I think, I think the, the, the Reliant Robin from, Can I go Penelope's car from? Lady Penelope? Yeah, from the Thunderbirds. You as Parker? Yeah. Have to be, wouldn't it? Yeah, I think so.

That's kind of sad that you've been offered, what's your dream vehicle option? And you've given yourself the job of chauffeur from someone wealthy around. It's the only employment he's going to get this year. Don't talk, don't talk Clarkie out of a job. He's always, hey, listen, the hustle's not a hobby. The hustle for Clarkie is like, could you also get a woman to pay me to drive her round? Felicity Kendall plays a... Phyllisty Kendall, yeah.

There you go. This is it. Lovely. Well, congratulations, Clarkie. Here are the keys. Oh, well, there we go. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with it, my friend.

Nothing wrong with it at all. There was almost something wrong with it, and then there wasn't. No, exactly. It stands up to scrutiny. Just about. Got a bit nervy in the middle. And then we towel through. Not afraid to go there, but actually really afraid to go there.

Really, really afraid to go there, guys. But you know what? We are just, we're just three podcasters trying to work out our way through this murky world. We call 2026. All right. Well, you take care of yourselves. Yes, indeed. Support us on Patreon.

Look for us on the socials. But most of all be well. Today's episode of the watch. You started saying this now. You hope that people are well. I mean, we do wish. single one of our listener as well. But I think most importantly, join the Patreon

and go to pappiescomcom for slash live and buy tickets. That's the most important bit. Rather than being well. Yeah. Laughter is the best medicine. Okay. Well, get well, if you're ill. Yeah, get well, all right. What's wrong with you?

Stay well, be well, get well. Well, well, well, time to finish. Today's episode was Fused by Olivia Swash. Hello. Cheers, everyone. Bye. Thank you.