Pappy's Flatshare - Pappy’s Flatshare ep 1608: Which sports should be in the Spring Olympics?

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

What's the biggest jeopardy for an Olympic skier? How many episodes of Last of the Summer wine featured Compo in a bathtub? And have those big penguins you get at ice rinks had their day? Pappy's - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/?hl=en https://www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshare Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshare Find tickets to all our live shows here - https://pappyscomedy.com/live Produced by Olivia Swash with tech help from Max Brill Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew. And welcome to a very exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Shair. It is an exciting episode because it's one of them where three of your boys sit down and have a chat. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's one of them. It's one of them, guys.

It's one of them guys. And this week, your three boys are Matthew, Ben and Tom. It's exactly right. And we're covering, of course we're covering the Olympics. Of course we are, guys. This is where a lot of people come for their sports correspondents, isn't it? Absolutely. All the sporting news that's fit to broadcast is here at Pappy's FlatShare.

And if you enjoy what we do, we would love you to come along to a Flat Share slam down live in London. We would love that. Yes, we've got a couple coming up, actually, in London's glittering West End, the Phoenix Pub, just off Oxford Circus. And boy, oh boy, do we have some lineups for you? We do. Yes, thank you, Clarkie. Oh, you're all looking at me. Okay, yes.

Okay. Right, well, that makes sense. On March the 31st, we are going to be joined by Mike Wozniak and Rosie Jones. Both returning to the pod, they've done it before. Two of our dearest friends in comedy, we're going to have to caveat in comedy. That seems my best. To be honest, I don't like them in real life. In comedy, that seems something.

Anyway, two of our dearest pals, they will be there at the Phoenix and Cambridge Square on the 31st of March and then a mere week later on the 6th of April, we are going to be joined by Tucson Douglas and Chris Cantrell. All of the tickets are available. So, so Pappiescom.com forward slash live. And if you want those discounted tickets or if you also want a bonus episode every Thursday, then get along to patreon.com forward slash pappies flat share,

where for just £4 a month you get all of those things, a lot of other things as well, including the warm feeling that you are supporting your boys on their journey as they podcast. to the grave. So please do get along to Patreon, support us, support us on the socials, but in the meantime, enjoy this. Have you seen any of the Winter Olympics? Yeah. I've watched a little bit. I'm actually, I don't know, did you watch the Autumn Olympics or Conquers?

That was going to be a genuine question of mine. Could you do other seasons? So there's the summer of the Winter Olympics. Yeah. Yeah. Two years. Yeah. And everyone loves the Olympics. Yeah. So why not put in a smaller spring in Autumn Olympics? Spring feels like it's there for the taking.

Go on. Pogo sticks? You've gone very literal on spring then. Well, you know, winter is very... Water drinking. Something to do with an onion? I don't think it's... Yes, it's snow based up of the winter.

I think you've got to sit more with the season. Yeah. Rather than the actual words spring. Always cry. He's cross about that. No, no, no. No, no. You've been training for Pogo.

I've been waiting for the chance. Don't give me wrong. I would enjoy a Pogo. I mean, like, you know, like the Olympics do those motorbike? It'd be the same kind of course. Yeah. But you're Pogoing. Pogoing.

Sort of the kind of dirt bike kind of thing. Yeah. A dirt bike kind of track. Yeah. But everyone's on Pogo. People are going to love that. The phrase dirt Pogo, though. It sounds bad.

did a bit of the old dirt Pogo he was in a lot of movies in the 70s wasn't he dirt Pogo if you know you know you know very tragic life though very very tragic life

he weren't too bright Dirk Pogo not bad Dirk Pogo A good event Spring Spring You put in autumn

You're poking through the dirt Because it's spring It doesn't exactly conjure up the season It's not lambs gambling, is it, you know? The lamb gamble for Spring Olympics. For Lamb gamble, yeah. You're a lamb gambler?

I've got, and I've just, I've got just the comedian to host it as well. George Lamb's George Lamb. Of course it's George Lamb. Yes, the Spring Olympics, it lends itself to like a sport. You imagine a sack race. Am I alone there? But then sack race is sports day, which is summer festival, isn't it? It's too amateurish.

Yeah. Summer sports. otherwise you're into egg on a spoon types territory aren't you? And that'd be a bad thing, right? Practity crosses out. So what else have you got? We don't want that.

I suppose we'd just end the episode there. But I think more Olympics, but like a couple of smaller ones. And then the winter and the summer can still be big ones. But then you do have, you have your autumn events and your spring events. Okay.

And that means you get an Olympics a year. Yes. I like it. Because everyone bloody loves the Olympics and life's a bit better when it's on. Yeah.

Even, you know, I am not a sports fan as you know, but I've been watching the Winter Olympics, of course. Yeah. Because there's something about it.

I don't know. It's sort of, you don't really, like, it's great to watch sport where you're not invested in any of it, but you kind of invested

in all of it. It's not like I really, really hope England win. I really hope, you know, it doesn't really, it's not the same kind of tournament in that respect.

You just like, enjoy seeing people. It can be that because we aren't going to win. Yes. It doesn't stop us at the World Cup, right?

It doesn't stop us at the World Cup. It does teach you a nice bit of humility the Winter Olympics. Yeah. Because you like go, it's fine for us to take part.

Yeah, that's it. And you are like, I'm just enjoying it. It doesn't matter who wins. And every year that the Winter Olympics comes on, it rekindles my hope

that I think I still have a shot at being an Olympian. Yeah. Because it's events that, because it's events you don't see every four years, you've got to go, oh, that exists.

and not many people do it. Yeah. But Tom, they do say every Winter Olympics, sorry, Clark. No, please. They do say every Winter Olympics like, oh, this guy's 37, so this will be his last Olympics. Don't they? They say that. They do say that.

But I was watching the Luz the other day. Oh, yeah. They're all big boys. They are big boys. They're big boys. But they're strong boys. But they're strong boy. They're not, they're big.

And they are just going down. That's gravity. You've got that on your side. They're big and they're tight. Well, tight. I wouldn't give you that. They're strapped in tight, I mean. There's a lot of wobble going on.

There's a lot of wobble. I can be strapped in tight. And I can go down some in. Yeah. And there's a lot of wobble. Do you think a lot of people doing the luge? They barely know it's happening to them until it's happening to them. I'm saying there is a certain element of, we, I don't I go.

Do you think they have the, visors just so you can't see them shutting their eyes on the way. I mean, there's not a lot you can do at that speed. I do feel like with a few of them, it is like, he's a big lad. It's, it's fear. Like, that's your biggest obstacle. Oh, you've got a lot of that. That's a shame. I am, I'm loaded with fear. Okay. He's big, the luge. He's going to be strapped in tight, but crucially, he fears everything on earth. The luge, you're going like, crazy speed, right? Yeah.

On a train. I don't think there's much, yeah. I mean, I'm not talking, the skeletons where they go down. Skeleton Bob. Head first. Head first, yeah. There's one where they lie on top of each other.

A sandwich. The sandwich on a tray. The naughty sandwich. You read Dirk Pogo. Dirk Pogo in the naughty sandwich. His best film. But I think, you know, if you pick a sport that not that many people are doing,

really throw yourself into it, which is great for the luge. The luge. I think you've got it. So when's the next winter, the next winter Olympics is presumably in four years. Every four years. We're talking 2030. That's too late,

man. It's too. I'm so sorry. And I honestly, I'm one of your staunchest apologists and I increasingly have to do it more and more because you refuse to do it for yourself. But I, he's turning 50 this year. And he's in his first,

It's first Olympics. No, this has got, I'm sorry, this has got Eddie the Eagle written all over it and not in a positive, no, no, it's got, it's got the girl who did the break dancing or whatever it was. I thought you, I was going to finish it. It's the girl with the dragon tattoo. It's the girl with the dragon tattoo. It's the girl with the pearl earring. It's three men and a little lady. And for that reason, I'm out.

I have no end of that sentence. All of you at least me to say you're fired. But yeah, I think it's the, it's the girl who took part in the breakdancing and then they said, right, well, if you're going to do that, we're not doing breakdancing. Well, then here's an idea. Here's an idea. What if you're going to do that? We're not doing this.

If you're doing that, you've ruined it. Have they taken the breakdops again? I think they might have done. I said they might have done. Oh, no. They were like, well, if everyone's going to play silly buggers, then we're not doing it at all. Thank you, Australia. You ruined it for everyone. Once again.

Until we shuffle it into the autumn Olympics. Well, I was thinking, what about the autumn Olympics is the autumn of our year's Olympics? That's the only way you're going to become an Olympian, Tom. Hold on, is this whole thing just Tom wants to be an Olympian? What are you doing? The 500 metre bed bath?

What's your plan? I laugh at the summer wine. Instead of the bobsleigh, it's the bath down the hill. I would love that Do you know what? Yeah Because combine an element of like You know the Gloucester cheese roll or something like that

Yeah Where you get a load I put seniors down the gloster cheese Roll. Jesus is right It'll have to just be They roll the trees across a field Yeah

It's on the facts Yeah That's the fact, yeah I eat some cheese Which you know at your age Tom It's more dangerous than the luge. I'm rolling a dice. You're going to spend a long time in the luscious, right?

You're going to spend a long time in the luscious, right? Actually, I think we might have found something here where you pick the right events and the spring Olympics might be a slightly junior Olympics. Okay. And it's like the younger competitors. The juvenile Olympics, basically. Maybe. And then the autumn Olympics is like the autumn of their years Olympics a little bit.

And you farm all the kind of, you know, you send crown green bowls their way or Darts could come into it, you know, stuff like that. Dominoes. Oh, here we go. Dominoes in a bath going down a hill. Can I ask? Can I have a dominole? Dominos.

The point the lift of road drivers are going, slow down. Who ordered the dominoes? Last of the summer wine? Yes. How many, was it, is it just one episode where they go down the hill in a bath? Yeah. Or was it every, like, every episode? But what is it?

It was a night rider. That was the car. No, it's not in the credits. It was just such a. famous episode. It's Del Boy falling through the bar. It's the chandelier. It was just such a famous episode. It's Frank Spencer on roller skates. It's Frank Spencer on roller skates. But it only happened once. Yeah. Because to my, in my mind, it's every episode. Every episode finished with them going down the hill in a bath. Oh, well, that's another adventure of three old men talking, whatever the

fuck the show was. Three old men just talking to each other. That's enough of that. Popping the bath away. Do you think, is this talking about like kind of not too late to get back on the horse? Do you think we stand a chance of being in the next iteration of the summer wine because there is there's clearly a gap in the market for old people sitcom. Yes, they're the only people watching sitcoms and if we

bide our time do you think I think we I think we bowed it the time has been bowed our legs and our time have bowed it's over for us what an aspiration

at what are you 40, you 44, you 45, you're 45, you're 45, sure, you're calling up, you're calling up your age and going, listen, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but between now and the next Winter Olympics I want to be on last of the summer wine. But, yeah, anyway, and I don't want to sound like an idiot, but ski jumping also, there's a certain degree of big people going. yeah because what you don't yeah it fear factor if you can get over that yeah if you so because if you and i right yeah and i don't think i'm not telling tales outside of school to say you're a larger person than me if you and i were going down a hill right yeah on skis you're going to go a little faster right that's fair to say there's got to be a sweet spot though but then also oh didn't they do a think oh no am i making i hope i'm not making it is this about the penis injection.

Yeah. Yes, they did do it. They did do a thing recently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank goodness. So the idea, you dreamt it. Yeah. I dreamt it.

But also, I'd be preparing for it. Can I, can I, can I, we'll get back into penis injections in a second. I've got loads I want to say about it. Certainly. And I did want to ask, have you been taking the jab? Something different about you. The sofa's bowed, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's got a really thin penis. So, the other day. Oh, yeah. I was, uh, I was talking. to your friend of mine, Tom Crane. Right. So you know Tom, don't you? Of course you do. And he said, I had to go to the dentist this morning. And the first thing I had to have them do was check, because my crown has come out.

And I wanted to check the crown on the other side, because I didn't know if it had come out or if I dreamt it. I think I wouldn't have given them the dentist that detail. No. I wouldn't say to you, by the way, I think I dreamt my crown came out. Could you check it? I would just say, hey, I feel that crown might be a little bit loose. Could you check it? it's something weird about sort of bringing

dreams into the medical profession. It turned out he had dreamt it as well so it was his dream and so the dentist had to go no no that was your dream. And I think I don't know if I would have he seemed totally, he was totally Yeah. You know when someone's telling you a story

and you're more embarrassed as they tell it to you than they are in telling it to you. Yeah. Yeah. I know how that feels. I don't. I don't. So,

but dreams you use. used to, if you go back to Joseph and his main technical dream code, prophecies. You could be the Pharaoh and you'd be wanging on about your dream, people would be okay. That's right. Yeah. You used to have a very... But I think that comes with... The Pharaoh had great power.

The chances are anyone would listen to talk about anything, otherwise they'd be killed. Isn't that sort of, isn't that part of it? Yeah, that's fair enough. That's fair point. And also, if he was going, could someone check my teeth? Just to check... I had a prophecy.

I'm a prophecy that won my crowns Although losing my crown Oh Don't mind it You know what Don't mind it actually I'm back on board I think it is

Pretty good in that There is something quite good in this You're losing Although apparently tooth loss is Yeah God I was going to say It's supposed to mean Custration fear Honest

Is it? Yeah But I'm a ski jumper No Please Or A jumper must have gone really wrong The fear of

losing something like your teeth. I have it on a very mild scale. I often think I've shaved and I don't have a beard and I look in the mirror and I go, oh, my beard. But it's all, it's all to do with, that's to do with castration? Yeah, yeah. What? I, listen, wait, due to the way I'm put together, if I take my beard off, my dick falls off as well. Does that mean if you dream about castration, you're worried about shaving? Your teeth, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Quick trip to the dentist and it'll all be sorted out. Yeah, but Apparently it's all, apparently it's, the fear of losing something is ultimately you can, you know, losing the genitals. But I feel like I'm, I have a fear of losing my teeth.

But you don't have a fear of castration. But I love castration. You've learned, yeah, you, it's solved a lot of problems. I've had the chop. You're not been castrated. Unless. You can't, you can't cheat. And you can't cheap.

And you can't cheap that. Also, isn't it? He had it out of the butchers. He said, I had a weird dream. Would you mind if I got up on the chopping block for a second? Could you tenderize my nutsack like it's a bit of veal and then slice them off? Listen, Tom, Tom's already got two kids. He's not taking any fucking chances.

Might be allowed to snip. He has the full chop. It's one step further than the snip. You can't be too careful. You can't be too careful. What was the story about the penis? is with the ski jumpers. So the way they were having for their

for their weigh-ins and for their like measurings because there's a lot of strict rules about how tight a ski jumpers costume can be. It has to be as tight as kind of as Oh because if it's baggy or float. Exactly. So what they were doing is they were plumping up the genitals temporarily doing the measuring the genitals would then

because it's cold and because the jabs wore off and then they had a bit of bit more give that gave them a bit more air. That's what they were doing. That's That's what was alleged. I can't say that's what was happening, but that's what was alleged. So with that in mind. Yes. A bit like...

No, I don't want one. I'm fine with the size it is and I've got two kids next. But with that in mind, a bit like when they're doing weigh-ins. Yes. Yeah, exactly. You could... Naturally. But the weighing's so close to the fight though, isn't it?

The way in is like, you know, there's a little bit of wiggle room. So you're thinking you could weigh in and inject yourself all over the body and then, actually be a bit leaner on the day. What? I'm talking about being fully. Turgents. What? I don't understand.

I don't think. I'm like, you're implying something, but you're not filling in it in with any details. But Tom, having a bono doesn't make you heavier. It's still the same blood just going to be a part of your body. Hang on.

I'm talking about the ski jumpers now. Right. Great. When they're going for your measurements for your suit. Yeah. If you're fully turgid. Yeah, they say, please, could you calm yourself down? And then we'll measure it.

And then they're like, I can't. And then they're like, you disqualifies. Because if you can't get through the measuring process without poking someone in the eye with your lob on, then no, you're not welcome at the Winter Olympics. I know it's horny in the Olympic Village, but it shouldn't be horny at the fucking Taylor's beforehand. Cink shaming? It is not. You are trying to kink shame me out of the Winter Olympics.

That's what I'm going to get to. Because it's a loophole in some ways. You can't tell a guy not. to be turgid I think you can Tom I was going to say in this day and age I think at any age you have what

so next time you're in a work situation you can't tell me not to have a bonus can't kinkshame me too turgid for the winter Olympics it's frozen stiff it's not nothing to do with me as an icicle down there uncool runnings

that were terrible a terrible film imagine you've trained for so long and you turn up back you mom and Dykeshouse they're not letting me compete. My dirt poker won't go down. Also,

it's the bobsleigh. You can imagine you all jumping into the bobsleigh in three of the jumping straight back out. What, mate? There's a really emotional scene where the dad goes in front of the Winter Olympics committee. Just cause my son has got a stonk on.

You've got to let him compete. Now, that is a role you could play. Thanks, Dad. yeah yeah no I think you I think you can say to somebody if you're measuring them for a a ski suit please don't have a boner but like that aside it is a high risk situation there is there is a lot of um jeopardy with boners at the winter Olympics basically like please explain yourself I regret asking the question as soon as I asked it but I we can't let that lie why is there jeopardy because I like I say I've watched quite a lot of the

Winter Olympics. And at no point are they, you know, am I watching the, you know, the gymnastics or anything like that? And they're going, and of course, the real worry here is that somebody pops a stonk on. Like, why is that a real, why is that a real worry at the Winter Olympics? Because the outfits are extremely revealing. Yes. And so if you were to be in a situation where you suddenly find yourself, maybe one of your competitors does it for you. Is you... Go on. Isn't that the mental focus that you're working on? Isn't that one of the... Isn't that day one of like, okay, you've got to have total mental focus? And you're going, something about me, something about the way you're standing right now suggests you don't have total mental focus.

It'd be the most important moment of your life and you're like, whoa. Skiers, though, but like, you know, there's nowhere to hide, basically, if you're getting a, if you're getting a boner. If you're going to... So, maybe if you're impressed. By your own skiing prowess, sexually speaking. I don't think the Winter Olympics is for you, then. If you're aroused by your own skill, firstly, who has ever, well, apart from present company excluded?

Who has ever been aroused by their own ability to ski? Someone slalening so well, but they get a stonged on. I'm just saying it's like, or like maybe you fancy the person you're competing. with and off they go and you let go. You've been watching too much heated rivalry, mates. There's a lot of jeopardy basically with the outfits is all I'm saying, basically.

So you're saying there's like a sort of sexy champion style movie, you know, like Wimbledon movie, Champions. There's a sexy champion style movie set at the Winter Olympics. But instead of Zendaya having a threesome with two guys, one dude jerking himself off because he's done the slown and so well.

He's like, no, no, no. He's talking a second. He's stopped to fuck the ice. That's nothing in the rules as you can't do that. Eddie illegal. Ski burn. I, all I'm saying is it sometimes it's out of your own control.

It's just like it would be. Tom. Tom, I'm just saying it be terrible. Tom, Tom, Tom, we're knocking on the door and last the summer wine. It's not out of our control. We're not, we're not competing in the World of Olympics. I'll just too jump out of the bath. It's out of them.

Those bloody virile, Scandinavians, they're all over the sight. There's loads of them. Yeah, you're right. You're right. And they're forged in the snow as well. Why has no one got a lob on? Forged in the snow.

Like, just because they're around lots of snows like, I'm fucking, I love it. I'm not saying it turned on by smart. In the same way we get a bone of when we see smog, you know. Oh, this drizzle. Why? I'm saying, not saying. What are you?

saying, Tom, because we really need to hold your feet to the fire on this one. What the, what the bejesus are you saying? I'm not saying they're turned on by snow, but I'm saying it doesn't put them off like the cold because they thought they grew up with it. But do you don't think competing in the Olympics would put you off getting a boner? Not if it's your thing. Everybody's got a thing. Yeah, you're right.

Any, any fetish you can imagine is somebody's fetish. You're skiing and suddenly you see someone and you're like, Bloody hell. It's not ideal for your time. Also famously, they're going quickly, aren't they? It doesn't take long though, does it? Attraction can happen like that, can't it? Yeah, I don't know.

The reporter is waiting for me at the bottom. Yeah. Quite not. So what's going on it? You've done so well at skiing that the reporter can't wait to interview you. Tom, can I just say, I know, I know he stopped, we stopped a second to go for carcary to answer the door.

Do you want to go and have a wank and come back and we have this, have this conversation with a slightly clear ahead. He really found out that Tom's got an Olympic fetish as well, because it's like, she said we could like create two more, so there's always an Olympics on. I'm just saying, it's out of a lot of people's controls.

When you're on the bus, a lot of people, when you're on the bus and it's vibrating, you know, like if they're going down the fucking luge, there's vibrations happening. Imagine photo

it made finish What's up to your voice? The photo finish Come back the final

corner Tom Tom Tom you sound like Andrea Bacheli doing the opening ceremony here What's going

Oh Oh Bob Bob Blah Oh Well all I can say

is Jane's a lucky woman Jane go and sit in the free for 25 minutes I've got the urge again. Oh, the dry skis slow 20 minutes down the road from me.

You don't want to do it dry, mate. Happy anniversary challenge. You don't want to do it dry, you'll have a rash. Oh, yeah. You did the slalom against someone. And it's a photo finish. It would be a very funny sight

coming around the last final corner of the loo. What's the hands? It's using it as a good a joystick. How come we haven't turned a single corner? He's steering himself down at least. That's not how it will. We're all having, I would say, a nice time. Okay.

Man alive. So anyway, in answer to you to question, a spring Olympics tug of war. Tug of war. He's forgotten the rope. Don't worry about it, mate. Just going to have all to this. Tom, this is a safe.

space, no kink shaming. You're away from home at the moment. You can't kink shame a man whose kink is everything. Whose kink is shame? You can't kickshame me. You're playing right into my luge. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. If we are going to find you a sport, though, Tom, if we are going to, because obviously, you know, we've talked. We must. We talked about the cool guy who shot a gun that everyone, you know, everyone loved. Yes, exactly. That kind of stuff. Yeah.

If we're going to find you a sport for the Commonwealth Games or the Winter Olympics or something like that that you could compete in. Curling. Curling feels like the one. I know the Scots have got it kind of sewn up, but I feel like if I have enough time on a place, I think I could do it. On a place. Yeah, yeah. So the car park. I tell you what, the post-game interview is scintillating.

So once your sequel, I had enough time on a place, didn't I? That's a secret. What puts me ahead of everyone else is time and place. I've always said it. And I've had it. And give me a place. Exactly. And I'll produce results.

Yeah. Curling. The thing is, though, I think when you watch a lot of those sports, I mean, there are some that you think, you know, any of the gymnastics, any of the skating ones, you never doing that. No, thanks. Curling feels like luck every time. Yeah.

Like, yeah, exactly. what curling is it it feels like some a one-off event that got out of hand yes like there was one moment where they had the broom and someone was lobbing some stones down yeah and it happened once like how how did that come about

yeah the design isn't clear is it like like oh well we had a ball and so it was like oh yeah you do this and they'll do that and it's like it's the broom element let's be honest The broom element. It's the broom element. Everyone's fine until there isn't like a broomless curling. No.

And it's like, that's, I imagine that's what we need to get back to. We need to stop this broom. Yeah, yeah. I like the broom bit, though. Everyone likes the broom bit, but it just makes it mental. Do you think they should bring it in with lawnboat? But they've got like mowers. They've got those ride-on mowers.

Finally, that's my role. There we get all the vibrations. He's doing his. the bathtub. Vibrations, baby! I think he's set off the sprinkler systems. Yeah, I think, I think curling is one of those sports where, you know, like, something's you'll take, if you take kids bowling, right?

Yes. There'll often be one kid who, you know, will just stand there and kind of just roll it, sort of roll it down the middle with two hands and it'll go really, really slowly, but they'll get a strike every time, right? You know, you sort of think, that's curling. There's not even, there's not even, there's not even how, that's curling. That's curling. So you disqualified.

This is bowling. That's curling. Those ice skates are really damaging the Alice. Please put our shoes on. You know what I mean? Like bowling alley's got like a little curve to the alley. Like you never see it going off in the wrong direction. It's always kind of basically going in a straight line, isn't it, right?

That's curling. It's just it feels like anybody could curl, right? Clarkie, you don't think so. No, I think, well, yeah. I think it's very hard, probably. Barking, I think you're dead wrong. I think it's really easy. From the brilliant bowling analogy I just did.

Sorry. And he's not on? Did not everyone hear me explain this brilliantly and how good it? Yes. The way I feel about curling is, if you've got someone who's good enough on the broom, then maybe you'll be okay. You said it off and it's like they can just broom it back in that there. Are they allowed to, are they allowed to do it?

Oh, broom! Oh, God, broom! Broome! Are they allowed to tap it with their foot and stuff? Can the broomers? Surely there's no. Give it all. Because they hold it with their hand and move it along a little bit.

One person brooms, the other one person just leads it right up to the, whatever the thing is it you're supposed to be doing it to. No, but the other thing that I like about the idea of curling is you're on the ice, but you have shoes on. Oh, yeah. Because anything with skates on. Danger, danger. I'm out. Ice game was always supposed to be fun. I hated it.

It was always awful. But it took me so long to realize. I hated it. Well, it's one of the things you're told you're supposed to like. Yeah, you go for people's birthdays and stuff. Yeah. Great. Yeah.

And every time I'll be like, oh, maybe I'll probably enjoy it this time and I'll probably be better at it. And the truth is neither of those things are true. I went this, I went this Christmas and there's a new advancement in kids ice skating. Now, we all know about the penguins. The penguins, the penguins we know about. I thought that was the advancement. No.

No. There's a new, do you know about the new advancements? No. But the penguins, we know about those. And actually, all the penguins are. are is you're going, do, do, do, do, sort of shuffling along,

but you're holding a big penguin. That's what it is. It doesn't tell you to teach you how to skate. They now had, at the one in Beckenham, they had this kind of basically like a little sled. So the, the parent holds the handles of the sled.

The kid sits on the sled and you, so you don't, you don't fall over because you've got the balance of the sled, right? You know, you can't fall over. The kid, crucially, can't fall over. Right. It completely changed it.

So I just do, Not ice skating. I was. Right. And the kids can put their feet down so their feet are going on the ice and they can kind of turn a little bit if they want to. They're not that bothered about that bit. Their fingers are very close to the ice there. Oh, that's a very good point.

Yeah. Is that? Because I forgot to say my kids are arachatans. That's the detail I left out about this. I tip the two arachatans I've birthed. Yeah. No, their fingers are on that. They can get their hands on their laps.

It would take, they would have to lean down and touch the ice. And then... And then up, yeah, but then I would have to then leap over the sled and stamp on their fingers. The way I always came used to play out, I always think, you know, like, there are certain, like, incidents or environments where you would suddenly feel three or four years younger than you actually are. And you realise I'm still a kid, actually. Yeah. And then there are other kids who go up the other.

the other direction and it's like oh you're a bit like when you first go clubbing when you're like 16 or 17 and you get into a pub or a club and it's like some of your friends just go they're just ready for it they're just effortlessly there and it's like into the adult world and i'm comfortable in the adult world and then there's others who it's like i'm not ready for the adult world yeah and i skating always used to be one of those instances where it was like oh you're this is this is the big boy world. This is the adult world and I don't feel comfortable. I'm six years old. I've only just learnt to walk myself and now you're taking away that thing that I've learned how to do. And it's cold and it's loud. Yeah. And it's scary. It's a bit headache. And I want to go home.

And there's really big people going backwards. Going backwards. Yeah. And it's like it, I found it very like, I want to. It's, it's one of the most I want to go home moments I can remember. And you weren't yet pubic, there were no chance of a boner. Surely this is, it makes me feel quite emotional. Yeah, I can tell. I can tell. I want to go home moments and going like,

oh no. And crucially, your parents can't skate either. So everyone, the people who you want to help you the most, they're also hanging on to the side. It's like, you can tell you dance. Not coming either. Yeah, and you can tell you dad's thinking, I want to go home

as well. It's like, but then there's the there's the people who can do it and it's like well there you go there you go so it's like it's not an enjoyable you don't get that at bowling it's like you can just sit down yeah no matter how bad you and also bowling bowling does have loads you know that you can put the you know you can get the thing that the big thing that you can slide the bowling ball down or you can have that you can have the the barriers down or any of that kind of stuff of the big three ice skating feels genuine jeopardy you lose a finger cinema feels like there's jeopardy because you don't, you're not necessarily in control of the content

or how you're going to feel. Yeah. On the screen. So that's the jeopardy. And the bowling, the only bit of jeopardy is, are you going to lose your hand in the thing that brings the ball out? Ice skating is, are you going to lose your hand as well? Yeah.

The thing about don't put, if you fall, they always say, if you fall down, don't put your hand out. Yeah. Which is bad advice if you're falling down. Okay. Okay. So remember, if you think you're about to fall, arms. Above the head. Double defos

so that people know you're about to fall and then just fall straight onto your face onto the hard ice. Straight onto your stonk on. Yeah. I hope you just bounce back up. Yeah. So yeah, they say don't put your hands out

if you fall because someone will escape past and slice off all your fingers. Yeah. And that's what happened at stress a mice rink. And wear a glove because then they can find your finger. Yeah, yeah.

Yes, that's right. That's right. Wear a bright colour glove. Yeah. They'll find your finger and put it in and put it in ice and then get you to the hospital because he figures

famously very easy to cut off but the a glove you never get there's no way doing it there there's no way

well that's why I used to skate in a full suit of armour that's right got that on each hand there's absolutely no way there's no way yeah no one's having fun

bowling I'd say the Japanese is is winning and losing that's what you have to contend with so I remember I remember going bowling and having I was really

really embarrassed with myself, being upset with my sister beat me. And then I had to live with that on the way home. It would be like it. It's quite a grandiose term for a car journey home. I had to live with that. For a journey. For the entire eight minutes it took me to get back to my house. And that's something I lived with for the next two minutes.

And that'll always be with me to live with that. But no, I, yeah. It's still there. It's still at my head. Where does Lager Quest fit into this? You ruined bowling there. Oh, Laser Quest. Where does Laser Quest fit into this?

Because, you know, it's cheering. I know. I know. This is it. That's it. It's happy place. That's it. Hot shots.

Hot shots. There he is. My, my daughter came back from Laser Quest and absolutely dead last loved it. And I thought, that's my girl. He already knows. Literally like, oh, you know, she's competitive at games at home, you know, and all that I don't want to lose, you know, but when she's like, like, I'm not going to be the best person who shoot the gun here. How could I be? But I'm going to have a really, really good time.

Yeah. I think that was it. Yeah. Really. She was kind of proud. Like, look at this. There you go. I'm the last one. You know, two memorable positions, aren't there? First and last. And I'm one of them. We're always telling you why. Absolutely. We can see if the first child was one, the second child with the other, two lovely a rag and tags in our life. I said, the problem with you, the problem with you, Cleo is your knuckles are two, close to the ground. You've got to hold the gun up here. You can't, it's the wrong angle.

If they're wearing it on the, if they're wearing it here, not on their ankles, exactly, come on. Never going to shoot them. Never going to shoot. But yeah, I think the, the laser quest I would, I would actually put that into the big three

over cinema. Oh, really? Yeah. And I would. It was too late in arrival for me for it to make the big three. It was like a newcomer. Right.

It's slightly older. Like the three established themselves and then Lays Quest came in. Right. And then it's ugly older cousin, Bainball. Never done it. I don't think I ever will now. No, thank you. What?

Why would... You're 50th. Surely. We've already got it booked, mate. Well, I tell you what, I'm going to start that by getting into a tin bath. That's what I'm going to do. Just chase me to hear. Oh, I don't, I don't hate that idea.

For my 50th birthday You put me in the tin bath Push me down a hill with a big wheel of cheese And I just 10 points if you hit the cheese It's 50 points if you hit Crosby Birthday me The Autumn Olympics opening ceremony

Well there you go There it is and there it was Yes, what a show it was If you've got any suggestions for events For the Spring Olympics Or indeed the Autumn Olympics Yes Then do get in touch

Pappy's flat share at gmail.com is the address to send your correspondence to. But yeah. Also, what's your kink? What's your kink? Or have you ever spotted an awkward boner in the wild? Let us know where and when. Or send it to them. Send it to the police. The time code during this episode. We'll get that edited out for you straight away. This is a heavily pixelated episodes that you've had to endure here, guys. It's weird that you have to slate audio, but the sound of boy o'oy o'ring was just, we had to get rid of it. It's been a really,

it's been a really tricky job. It's been a really tricky job for a dear producer, Olivia. By the way, I've got to talk about the time when, we were camping, it was at the Latitude festival. Oh, yes. And Tom said to me and my, my lovely wife, I believe at the time, just girlfriend, but her, but lovely wife, Charlotte, he said, look at this. Can you believe this? And it was his boner. It was in a lovely pair of blue pants. But the pan's didn't make it any better or any worse. You went, look at this. Can you believe this?

I was like, yeah. I've known you logging up. Yeah, I can't believe. Someone's getting ready for the Olympics. Chill out, mate. It's the summertime. You gotta start you warm up early. Do you love camping.

Do you love camping. You really bitched a tent as well, didn't you? Support us on our socials. Just to at least, at least for Tom to buy a slightly more reinforced pair of pants. your four pounds could actually help this guy get a slightly stronger gusset Okay

Well Enough of that then Today's episode I know a lot of podcasts are red-pilled This one's blue-pilled Tom You've got to pop it down mate seriously

tuck it in your waistband For God's sake Today's episode Was produced by Olivia Swash Hello Cheers everyone Bye Bye.