Pappy's Flatshare - Pappy's Flatshare ep: 1613 Sean McLoughlin "I ran a fancy dress shop"

Episode Date: April 28, 2026

Have we found a cure for body odour? What's it like to run a failing fancy dress shop? And can you tell a person's sandwich order based on their appearance? We’re joined by the amazing Sean McLoughlin to talk bananas in pyjamas, chiropody and silver service nightmares. Sean McLoughlin - https://www.instagram.com/seanmcloughlincomedy/ Watch the Sean McTalk Show here:  @SeanMcLoughlinComedy  Pappy's - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy https://www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshare Support us on Patreon - patreon.com/pappysflatshare Find tickets to all our live shows here - https://pappyscomedy.com/live Produced by Olivia Swash with tech help from Max Brill Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I am Matthew, and welcome to a very exciting episode of Pappy's Flatshare. It is very exciting. We had a wonderful guest. The brilliant Sean McLaughlin was with us. Yeah, so funny. We love talking to Sean. And we really found out about his past. High profile politician in his past.

Very exciting. Yeah, very exciting. An interesting job in what seems like sort of a magical part of commerce. It's very, very exciting. We also found out about Clarkie's past as well. Oh, checkered. The checkered. The checkered past.

The secret past. and also the grim presence of me. So we'll get into all of those things. Before we do, all the usual things, hop on the socials, we're on TikTok, we're on Instagram, we're on YouTube, show your support there. Also, you can support us by getting along to Patreon. Yes, patreon.com forward slash pappy's flat share and just for a mere four pounds a month. You get a bonus episode every week. You get early and ad-free episodes of this very podcast.

and you get discounted tickets to our live shows, our flat share slam downs. Yes, and also you get the warm feeling that you're supporting your boys on their podcasting journey to the grave in a good way. Yeah, absolutely. We've all got to go to the grave.

Exactly. Why not go to the grave doing something you love? And we love podcasting. And we loved podcasting today with Sean. So enjoy. But you did say you've, you've frieged yourself down. right? Yeah, I've fabreezed myself down. I've got into that as a habit when I leave the house now. Just a standard. Just a standard, genuinely. In the same way some people might have a fragrance,

like they would spritz themselves before they leave the house, you know, a little dupe by dupe. And you're going for a febrize top to toe? Not top to toe, just the key areas. Yeah. Talk us to your key areas. What do you think of your key areas? Because you, the first thing you touched was the middle of your chest. That's what I worry about. I spill a lot of food on me. Right, yeah. And I, a lot of, I think, because this is like, I buy a lot of like secondhand corduroy shirt. And that retains smell.

Retains a lot of musk. There's a lot of history of these. Hang on, you're already buying the musk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course, of course. The musk is, the musk is what I'm trying to hide. But it's like a... But also the clothes, you're buying them from, you know,

from a vintage shop or a charity shop, and they've been fabrized already, haven't they? So there's musk and Fabriz already on the clothes. when you buy them. It's like getting pre-distress jeans. You're getting pre-fabreased clothes. Pre-must shirts. I don't think I realise till recently how good Fabriz is.

Like it really does the business. At the level of, at the level of B.O. that I admit, Fabriz is a dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got an idea, which is not going full Wallace and Gromit, but like some kind of setup where you open your front door and you've got a bottle of Fabriz at the touch to the wall. and there's like a piece of string.

And so as you open your front door, it gives you a for breezing on the way. This is wonderful. This is so unbelievably bleak. This is wonderful. This is wonderful. But you're wrong here. Have you ever walked past an air freshener that just occasionally goes

and it gives you a little spritz? Yeah. You think, yeah, I needed that. So you're forbreezed on the way out your door and you'd rig it up with a bit of string. I would absolutely invest in this. I don't think that's a bad effort. Because people who watch the video of this will know

that we have about four outfits between the three of us. Yeah. And they're old things, right? They're old items. They need a little, a little freshener. Do you think, here's my flaw, do you think when you were,

because you'd also be Fabrized on the way in. That's true, which isn't bad. It's not terrible. You're coming home to your partner. Clean slate. But if you're clean slate, whatever's happened out, it's got this flat.

It's over. But, What goes on in the real word? I think it would be a tough sell if you were having, like, guests. If you're having, like, a party, if you're passive. It may feel like a sort of, just to let you know, we've installed a pre-Fabrease. Yeah, like a rude Goldberg machine. Do you want to be sheep dip you on the way in and out?

You'd want to deactivate the Fabriz machine. Yeah. Well, not for everything. Darling, we're having a dinner party. Deactivate the Fabriz machine. I'm standing by the door and I'm going, you can go in. You'll get the sprits. You're fine.

You're absolutely fine. Your partner. Yeah. Two sprits for you. You have to come in and out again. There must be a sort of radar system, like what they have in airports now. Yeah. You could like, sense.

They'll need a Fabriz. If you're doing everyone a favor, really. I don't think we know what we've got with Fabrys on drones. Just go around the airports. Just sprits in people. And it's, what, and the idea is the drone can sense how bad you see. smell. So it's like a little kind of reminder that, oh, you, it was quite a long

haul flight. Yeah. Imagine just walking around. Oh, it's following me. Like pig pen in the peanuts. You've got a constant drone over. You're just going, we're absolutely empty. We're carpet bombing this guy

and nothing is taking. Just cropped us, thing. That sky, when Skynet takes over, it's not going to be bombed. It's going to just be like, ah, the smell is too pleasant. Humans have given up. So you were saying you didn't realize how good it was? I don't think, I think Fabrese is maybe one of the most underappreciated products on the market.

It does feel like a scientific miracle. Yeah. I've got a couple of things here. Well, Well, Forbrizam, please. Clark has got a complicated relationship with Fabresee. I do.

I do. I worked for two years being one of the bananas in pajamas in the live stage show. On the live stage show? He mentions this every episode. Does he? It's his big, it's his big, brown. Did they have names, the bananas? Yeah, B1 and B2.

And which one were you? Well, I started this B2. Genuinely, you got the promotion of B1. I ended up B1. But they're the same. They do the same things. Well, is there a personality difference in B1 or B2? Surely if you're writing bananas in pajamas, you're going to bring in something.

Yeah. You're going to do the two different, you know, you're going to have whatever it is. Like the fucking teletubbies. Yeah, the teletubbies have got personal. Do they talk? They talk the belongs? Well, you don't talk, do you? No, yeah.

Yeah. And you're just doing this. That dates it for you. Yeah. CD's, Sean. Are they different in the way that thing one and thing two from Cat and the Hat are different? I don't know those two.

How were they different? Well, they weren't really. It was, yeah. Basically, they had the same function. They were the same. They were like board drones, basically. Yeah, that's kind of,

they sound exactly the same. They kind of act exactly. What's their style? What's their vibe? It's kind of one's like one's like, like, oh, I'm like being silly. The other one's like, oh, not like that. Well, yes.

That's a big difference there. But then you just described two distinct things. That's a massive misunderstanding of what your own job was. He was why on Fabriz. Listen, I'm surprised you made it past B3. I wouldn't have made you B1 or two. But the, but then they were. What else is the same?

Basil Faultian Manwell? But that relationship with James. So one of them would be being. silly and the other one. Right. Oh, I see. Right. So it wasn't like there was a straight man and a and a silly one. Well, straight bananas. I'm going to eat you. Yeah.

They're not their way. Too right. Too right. Finally, we've got our whatever bananas we wanted. Either straight or bendy. Which ones do we want? Do you want bany bananas, I think? We wanted bendy bananas. Yeah. What bloody are you wanting them straight. Have you been to frant?

Oh, the bananas. They're like baguettes. They're made of bread. I'm like, I might This is our B1 and B2 Act But get one and banana tea When you were B2 Did you aspire to be B1

No Not really no Oh no What was This is You became B1 You're like this is getting too real now Yeah

Heavy is the head That wears the crime The responsibility is getting to you man Was there another character Was Teddy Bear? in it? There was two teddy bears or three teddy bears. And what were they called?

T1, T2, it's the Terminator. T2 was always a good of a joke on that. These were very, very different. Have you seen this banana? Something like that. Something like that. We can sort that with AI, I assume. And how similar were the personalities between the bears?

Yeah. You're asking the wrong person. Well, I know. I'm curious to, I want to get his answer. And then I want to find out what they did at each. Well, he was going to, he did. dated one of the teddy bears? I did actually.

Did you? Yeah. And in fact, only when the costumes are on. Didn't both bananas? Weren't both bananas, both dating teddy bears? Yeah.

Furries. You were fairies? Oh no. I didn't know your furry past. Oh no. Oh, dear. You were a banana and you were dating one of the bears. Yeah. This is just brilliant.

And you're all on tour? We're all on tour. Did you ever do it? Did B1 and B2 ever swap partners? This kind of interchange of thing? Why would you say that? Well, because there's no discernible difference between the two. There is when you take the costumes off.

This is like a wild kind of rock and roll history. This is like fucking early noughties. This is like, you know, when you find out that all the munchkin actors in the Wizard of Oz had a war jeet. It feels like that. I'm finding out this now. Yeah. Wow. We.

It was like the Olympic village. Munchkin land was like the Olympic village. Everybody shagging. Everybody shagging. old condoms off the that yellow brick road is actually matted with old collins there's no fabriza's going to get this dead chow

some of eating a chicken and mushroom pot noodle though I'm trying to frieze it away that road wasn't yellow when we started filming yeah so you're on this kind of hedonistic kind of tour around Britain all you know shagging it up well yeah I mean yeah I had a girlfriend yeah jude you up a bit mate

you're on a podcast show business man yeah man we chase them down the stairs and then do them at the bomb right oh chill out yeah fucking hell my sheepish creeps sorry it's pretty eye watering it

yeah really it's eye watering all right yeah so in terms of the febreeze I think I know where you're going Go on. It was part of your illicit sexual. You'd all puffed Fabriz. Come on. That's why you can't remember anything.

The costumes had absolutely absolutely hub. And so it was just, just Frize them now. You know that I've worked in two fancy dress shops in my life. Oh, here we go. And Fabrease is all they ever do to any of the costumes. Particularly the wig. Is that where you first got into it? Yeah, that's why I first became aware of its raw power.

This guy's just got a full. stag we can dress as Napoleon and how is fresh as a daisy this out. Well, it's a bit like the little sprits they used to give bowling shoes. You're like, what's that really doing? If someone's got like a fungal nail infection, that's not doing any of it. We've got fungal nail in my family at the moment. I know you do. Yeah, yeah.

And the podiatrist has given us one of those big industrial sprays. Really? So every night I get to pretend that I work in a bowling alley and I'm really enjoying it. I go to the back door and I go in the big LaMouseki. It's great. And I am probably huffing a lot of food. that's why you think it's right to see what condition

in the shoe I'm not up the nostrils yeah um yeah does the spray I don't understand the spray is like enough to penetrate the sock

is that the logic because if you've got a problem with your toenails that's a good point surely the sock the fungal stuff's coming in from the shoes oh okay

atmosphere created in the shoe. This is something else the potato I just told me. Because I went to my first, but I just went on the other day. They think that there's a rumor in my house

that I might be patients here, right? Because you have a had a fungal and nail infection since before your kids were born. For 20 years. But like I've pushed back on that and said I think it's just a thick nail. Yeah.

Yeah. This is really interesting. Yeah. I'd say that theory is now more widespread than your house. Yeah. It's a thick nail with a mushroom growing on it. Apart from that.

I've gone with it. It's a thick nail that winks at me. So I've got long, long second toes. Yeah. You know those feet where your second toes are longer than your big toes? Yeah, that's, that's not uncommon, is it?

No, no, no. And so, I've said because I was quite athletic in my past. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. Oh, yeah. You said to the doctor. You said that to a podiatrist.

I don't know. Please to meet you on pat to my whipbread. Not so if you've noticed how jacked I am, but do you reckon this is anything to do with that? It's probably... It's nothing to do with hygiene. I said it's probably a lot to do with the amount of impact that my toes taken from my athletic lifestyle.

That's not what fungal is. No, no, that's why I don't think it's fungal. I think it's trauma. Right. And what... She said it could be trauma or it could be fungal. There's anyone made to find out of... So the jury's out.

Well, no, the jury isn't out. She hasn't given you a trauma spray. No, no, no. The jury's not out. She said, oh, it could be trauma. But by the way, here's this industrialized vat of good. Hang on all your family. You've got to get rid of all the trauma.

Yeah, because your trauma is spreading to all the family. Which is true. That is true. That is true. It's like, it was bad enough of the thick nails. Now he's got this whole bowling alley routine he does every night. He's setting up an arc. paid in the living room.

He's still so athletic. Puffing his son's trainers. Going off into a psychedelic wonderland. Look, the spray came in. The spray came in through my daughter's fungal nail. And then that's why the spray's in the hags. Right. Then my wife's theory is that I'm patient zero and she wants me to get tested.

So I had to go and get tested. I think I had to go and get tested. this a few years ago because it was a big thing in my family. My parents never sorted it out. But I had to just take some pills and it was fine. And they got rid of it? Well, just basically when the nail grows through, it is a more normal nail. But those pills couldn't cause liver damage is what I've been told.

Can they? I was like, I'll live with fungal nails. I'm an athlete. I can't do that. I'm an athlete. I'm the owner operator of an independent bowling game. You don't have the liver of an athlete. I'm going to be honest.

It's straw, man. straw but yeah don't take those pills by the way it can cause liver damage anyway so she said what you want is someone else to cook your nails for you for six for six months to a year we're not doing it we're not doing it sign up to the patreon the worst tear that's why we've got to get anyone on the lowest tier as a as a penance has to watch I did feel at the end of the appointment she said so do you want me to cut your nails for you yeah and i was like i mean is it going to yeah is it luxurious to say yes of course well it's part of my job so i was like okay were you worried it was like sampson and his you know all of your athletic powers

they've trimmed my nails right down and now i can't do that tough muddha i was about to do what did she say when she said was she like god if i didn't know better i'd say these are mohammed ali's me someone's been floating like a butterfly yeah What? The greatest power. And my eyes are stinking like a bee. It was grim. It was grim.

So basically the nail in question, because the idea was that I might have to send off cuttings to get the result. I hadn't cut it until I was going to see the doctor. Because I didn't really want to go and see the doctor. I put it off for about three months. So I cut all my other toenails. But this toenail hasn't been cut. So, you know, like, when you meet a creep and they've got like a long little finger, you know, my feet were like that.

I had one, I had one long nail. It does sound like you're like Howard Hughes. You know when Howard Hughes, like, lost his mind? Yeah, keep your jaws of urine. Yeah, you're not cutting your nails. You think you're running a bowling alley. Why is this? There is this road yellow.

And I said to why I've not cut that for about four months and she said, why? It was awful. You sound so proud saying it as well. I cut that for four months for you. Why? Why? Why? Why is some kind of punishment or something?

Oh, God, yeah, it was intense. So now we wait with bated breath, because if it's trauma nail, then I'm getting a hill, I'm an athlete again. But if it's fungal nail, then I am patient zero. Sad times.

May I ask what were the athletic pursuits that you think would have... I'm curious. Please don't ask, no, I mean, not that I doubt it. As a friend. He was one of the time. teddy back

He can't see me chasing I'm running away from those horny bananas I chased him down all right well I wish you

I wish you all luck oh yeah we'll find out do you miss the banana it was it was really fun like being with your pals

like touring around the UK right yeah absolutely we've done it as well were you tempted

to set up a podcast with them, with the bananas and with the way before those days. Oh yeah, yeah. It's a CD times. Yeah. They were CD times. Yeah. So tell me about the, tell me about the fancy dress shop, because I'm interested in this. Are you? You must have got. All right. You must have got some stories. Yeah, you must have got some absolutely, what were the absolute horror shows? Well, I mean, the entire second stint was a horror show because the shop was going out of business. The woman who ran it was having a breakdown. And I was the only employee. Right.

And I was 17. It was my Saturday job from sort of, from late GCSC to sort of early day level. I did Wednesday evenings and Saturdays at the fancy dress shop. And by the end, she was, the shop was only open when I opened it. Right. So like. So you had the run of your own. I was, I was running a fancy dresser.

You were a proprietor of a fancy dresser. Yeah. So all my friends were like worrying about their GCSE results. And I was like, I got bigger fish to friends. I've got a Smithy's order coming in. Like, it was really stressful. And you'd get people coming in, like, on a Saturday morning saying, like, I've been calling you all week. I've been trying to return this outfit.

I need my deposit back. And they come in, so furious. You were like, I had double science. Yeah, I was like, guys, I've got double science. And also, I was like, there's no money in the till. I can't give you your deposit back. I said, come in later, if we've got more customers in the day that I could give you your deposit. God.

Oh my God. And I ran the whole, yeah. This is much less fun than I thought it was going to do. Yeah. It was a, it was, at the time, I remember at the time thinking, oh, I guess this is just what having a job is. Yeah. Because I'd worked, it was my second sort of, it was my second part-time job as like a teenager.

Yeah. Well, here's, here's the question. What, what era? Like, what was the? These are CD times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Are we looking at Ali G? Are we looking at, like, but like, what's, Harry Potter must have been a big one. What's all the. Oh, we're talking about. What are you doing? What's the roaring trade? Are you for breezing a mankini, is what we're asking? Is it pre-Borat?

Or is it right in there? It is thankfully pre-Borat. I mean, we wouldn't have been able to cater to Borat anyway. Basically, it didn't matter what they asked for. We had about seven good outfits, and I would always kind of pivot them. We had great Sergeant Pepper. Okay. We had a great Napoleon.

Oh, lovely. And these are returning costumes. By the way, Napoleon, very close together, really. Yeah, they're both Ringo. Captain Crutch, we had. Anyone broadly military. But we had really good, we had like good, like, bugs out of sort of princess outfits. Yeah.

Sort of generic gangster ones. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was, yeah, I mean, so, but you'd get people coming in. I mean, it is a sign of the time. Some of the phrases that people used to say how they wanted to dress would be phrases that you would, like, you'd have to bleep it now. And it was very casual. Like, yeah.

Yeah. I know exactly. Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you maybe afterwards. But I was like, okay. And I was like a kid. If you join the Patreon,

you can ignore the page. The horrible slurs. Some of the slurs. I'm like, right, that's what you're going to dress as. I go, I don't think you were meant to say that anymore.

Sergeant Cunting Peppers. Okay. One of those horny bananas. Can I mean one of those horny bananas? But it was, yeah, it was a fuck, it was a real,

yeah, it was a very interesting. I guess it's quite a, formative time for me. Like I was on my own in the shop for a lot of it. And I was sort of, uh, dealing with the, the woman was not doing great who ran it.

Yeah. Um, so you're sort of dealing with somebody was sort of like quite sort of mentally troubled and sort of hands to mouthing it on the, on the business front. And then you became an open spot comedian. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Just watch out of the jobs like. Oh, I slid it. It was like hands of glove. Yeah. Yeah. And now podcasting. I mean, it's great. Yeah.

Basically, if you've never had any dignity. your working life. Nothing can get you down. Exactly. You've got nowhere to fall. Were you to go to, I mean, obviously, like, amongst your friends, if there was a fancy dress party, were you expected to kind of dole out freebies for people?

100%. 100%. And I did. I did. I was on the take. By the get, you have to make this work for you, you know? If I ever watched, like a... Just turning up to work dressed as a...

There's a polio and pepper. I went to my friends... Taking your GCSEs just as a princess. We had someone who had someone who had. out a pirates, wenches and creatures of the deep 16th birthday party. Okay, that's...

Is it Pirates of the Caribbean time, though? It would have been around there, but it was like, her dad came in and went like, I want to be a Chinese man. That was his outfit request. And I was like, I don't even know what that, what you mean. How does that fit into pirates?

I don't know. I guess like, I don't know. From a... I'll be a Chinese man in a submarine. Good home. I'm in Chinese. What is... That's what he said.

And I, you know, made it work. You got to make it work. The shop was going under. You have got to make it work. The shop was soon to become a creep to the deep. You had to make it work. I'll tell you this, though, at the end,

as I was, as I was texted, the shop is closed by the owner. The shop is closing, which was like the summer before I went to uni, or was it? No, maybe the summer before. I found out how she became the owner of this fancy dress shop because it made no sense.

Turns out there had been another fancy dress shop in Arundel this shop was in Shore and by sea which is all on the near Brighton sort of yeah and she'd gone in the fancy dress shop and an old couple

had been running it for 40 years and they were about to retire and close and it was the last hour of their working life and she went oh is anything happening to these costumes

and they went no and she went oh I'll just buy them all I'll just set one up but there's no on a whim on a whim she went into the game

yeah that's why you know there's good fellas when they say like all my life I wanted to be a gagged. None of my life. For 20 minutes I've wanted to own a fancy dress shop. So when you got that text saying the shop's closing,

were you in the shop waiting for the next person to come in and go? Oh, my all this. Yeah. It was like when the Lehman Brothers collapsed. I was just like, I had all my stuff in a book that we don't talk to the press. No, I was in the park. I was just having social time. And she said,

still owed me like 200 quid which when you're 17 that's like a crazy I mean it's a crazy amount money now let alone yeah yeah but crucially you were dressed as sergeant pepper so you kept a little bit yeah yeah yeah when I said I was in the park I was like in yeah I was I was turning heads so was that that was your only other job you had before before comedy or you well I've always had loads of like work in loads of call centers worked in loads of did, when I first moved to London in my early 20s or tried to and then ended up moving back

I worked at a temp a lot, I had a lot of temp work worked at the QE2 centre as like a serving people. Like silver service at the QE2? Yeah, I was just one of the catering people for the on the boat. No, the Qaeda is the second centre which is the one that's opposite

Westminster Abbey. Oh okay. I would turn up there at 6am and I'd have to set up the food for all the big conferences and then I'd serve the drinks. Oh, I thought you meant the boat. Sorry, guys. No, but fair enough, you did say QE2 Center. That's on us.

I mean, there's no way I could have been less specific. When you were on the boat, were you dressed as a Chinese man? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They went, you want to get out a Chinese man on a boat. Did you have a silver serve anyone important? I served Michael Portello a glass of orange juice. Here we go. And, but this is better.

I saw Barack Obama. Oh. Because he was visiting West. Westminster Abbey and you so he was about 20 feet away from the window and I saw and he was visiting Westminster Abbey this was during the peak Obama mania and was there was did the charisma travel through glass genuinely everyone started applauding when they saw him really yeah it was pretty amazing but there were snipers on the roof they told us in the morning just to let you know there are there are like security personnel on the roof okay none of them him you know none of them

no one's a fan of Obama sure I was like how badly have I done it my first shot yeah that's a lot of pressure for a part-time job. Yeah, I was like, guys, you're paying me minimal way. This is your orange juice. Just trying to get him an orange juice. I'm just trying to get an orange juice. So, yeah, I've had a pretty checkered working. Very low-level stuff, yeah.

Between, like, the ages of 16 and 24, silver service felt important. Yeah. Oh, yeah. How is your silver service good? No, no, not. Wasn't it mad? Like, isn't it a mad thing to...

I don't know what you're doing? Why are you doing this with your whole and like a claw? Yeah, because. Because the key to silver services, like you have two or three things in your hand and you can spoon things with them. I see. Rather than just doing a normal ladle or a spoon or something. Almost like you're playing the spoons. Yeah, you'd have to have a fork and a knife.

No, no, spoon. Yeah, it's a spoon. Crucially a silver spoon. Two spoons. Two spoons. Two spoons. Yeah. Two spoons.

And then you'd like ladle like that. Have you ever silver service? Yeah, I did it once, but I mean, I did it once and I poured gravy down to the back of someone's neck and I left. Yeah. So, yeah. That was, that was my silver. That's because you're trying to pick up the gravy boat with two spoons. I did a very deep bow for him.

I was dressed as a Chinese man. Respect. Respect. Respect to Obama. Respect you. Yeah. Silver service felt like if you could master silver service then you were on your way. It's how it felt.

Yeah. And it felt like I never really could. No, I mean, I never suited. I worked in bars a bit. and that was like the most I could do in like a service position silver serving drinks just in a spoon

they go no it was a pipe please I also think I don't know if this is true I mean I've seen you in a suit and listen you wear a suit very well God bless you and it beautifully fabrized Oh yeah

You could smell like a dream You'd have to be because some idiot poured gravy down my back once I never cleaned it I think you in a sort of like a buttoned up or a, were your bow tie, any of that? I think, I don't think it would suit your head.

No, no, no, no. Like some people, you know, some people in a tux or like, you know, done up like in black tie looked like James Bond. Other people look like someone's shoved them into those clothes. Well, I look like it's my first communion, basically. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was, I was always put in public positions when I was at their conference center

because I was the only person working who was, who was, who where English was their first language. Right, okay. So they were like, well, we, it doesn't matter how many drinks he spills. We've, if Portillo's in the room, we've got to send him because at least, you know, he knows what the hell's going on. He knows the English for orange juice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, that was it. That was my life. Portillo tip? What a tip for dealing with Portillo? No, no.

Yeah, what are your top of my tips? I don't think I understand the question. If you find a portillo in your house, what's the best way. Should you befriend it? You play there. Do you do you do. Yeah. Yeah, go floppy.

Sorry, Portillo Tip is what I said. No, there was no, but there was no option for money to change hands. These people are already, some company has paid for them. So it's like, yeah, it's a joke, really. It was a joke. It's terrible. It's terrible work.

It really is terrible work. But at the end, you get sandwiches. Did you ever, did you ever nick any of the proper food? Because that was the other thing I, that's the other thing I did at my silver service job, was I realized that you've got to go through. because there's two doors on the kitchen and in and an out. You did two things. Eat the food.

I left as well. You're leaving out of the crudel. I left. But I realized that... It was a hell of a first hour. I realized that if you were holding a plate and going through the door, you push the door with your back to go back into the kitchen. If you had whipped away a dessert before someone had a chance to eat it,

you could put the plate to your face. And then by the time you came through the door, nobody'd see... You could inhale... I could inhale. A little pudding, yeah, straight through. Wow, yeah, yeah. That is, I don't think you've ever said something that I'm quite as impressed.

Yeah, I like that. But I could do it in such a way that I think there was never a point where the people who I'd nicked the pudding from, or the people I was sitting given the plate to to wash up, would notice what happened. Apart from the fact that I had pudding all around my face. My entire face was covered in the plate. That was a gravy boat. My biggest problem when I was a waiter was, wanting to eat leftovers.

Well, of course, you were so exhausted from all your athletic pursuits. You need it to carbled. Like it being really frowned upon to want to eat leftovers from other people's plates. Why is that frowned upon? It's just, you know. I'm with you. I'm totally with you. You find the right restaurant and I reckon it's not frownable.

You bring back like a half-eaten steak and it'd be like, that is a good steak. Yeah. And I've got to put it in the bin. And if I eat it, then I'm an animal. They've not been eating it with the hands and, you know, like, and they've been using cutlery. There's nothing. It's fine.

Yeah. But it was a real faux par to be seen to be eating leftovers. Guys, should we open a restaurant? You'd ask that. I think you'd be brilliant. I'd go to your restaurant. I don't know what you'd serve. And it's called leftovers.

Oh. And we take food from the people's restaurants and serve from the level. We go around the back of it. There is no menu. Yeah. We take it with. Dive and fork. Whatever we can dumpster dive

yesterday, you're eating today. We've cleaned up the left open from over there and we're going to give you some kind of thing. Two thirds of the founders have already established that their main goal is to eat food. How are you finished with that? For the customers. But then again, very good finish.

You know how the person who runs the restaurant is always sat at the back table? Tom and I are sat there at the back table. We've got those little food waste bins. We're coming away out of those. You're at the door. I'm at the door. See people out and inhaling.

Hailing a pudding over time. As we serve the food, we go, you finish with that. That's as we put it down to them. You're done with that, are you? It seems like you are. It's going down. How did you fare in restaurants? Do you enjoy going to a restaurant?

Yeah, I do enjoy going to a restaurant. I actually, that's one of my great thrills in life, because I never had enough money or time to eat at restaurants. Yeah. In my 20s. So actually, it's one of the real thrills of my adult life now is that I can spend like 15, 20 quid and just eat a nice lunch or something. So is that what you did?

when you're on tour you kind of take Yeah, I try to Yeah But I mean I never eat at fancy places I struggle at fancy places Yeah I never

I only ever eat A sort of nice Go like I usually search Like Lebanese foods And then go to like A pretty basic Lebanese past foods

Yeah nice I think that's the level I like It's yeah I don't like The fancy stuff really I went to a Michelin starred restaurant

In the Lake District And I was wearing shorts And had my Rucksack on And I arrived and realised I'd misread the vibe or I'd gone in two cash and then I had the panic sweats

for the first two courses and the waiter kept asking me if I was okay and that was making it worse and I had to go to the toilet and run my wrists under the cold and try and pull down. I'm so sorry I'm an athlete

I've not cut my toe down in months and it was like this tasting menu and they're explaining the food to and that was making me and that was like and they were talking through Vuno and the sweat was poor

and I must have looked like I was, well I was having like a panic attack and it was just like everyone was really concerned and it was awful and you're locked into like

seven courses yeah and then you pay fucking 170 quid or something just to check is there a Fabriz course because I need that

more than any other it was awful one of the worst experiences of my life it was like this lovely tree being in shorts in a place where no one else

is in shorts It's a tricky one, isn't it? I once called a posh restaurant that I was going to that night and asked if I could arrive in shorts and they said no. I thought, why did I call? Should have just shown up? Yeah, you're really sure.

I think if you're calling, you know the answer. Yeah. You know, you know. I think if it's a restaurant, you can even call, you probably can't. Because you can't, I don't think you could call like a big switchboard. I don't think you could call like a Nando's branch, could you? They're not taking a phone call, are they?

No, no. There's like central office. or something. You're getting through to the main office Carlucci. But also like rich people rich people

could turn up wearing shorts and not give a shit like rich people don't care what they look like in posh restaurants so they can be completely fine and like they often look like shit like you can see someone

and they're dressed like shit and it's like oh but they're rich they're a billionaire they're fine whereas I'm there losing my shit because I don't

there's a fundamental difference like rich people don't really have to worry about what they look like so Tom are you trying to tell us that you are really rich. Wait, I'm going to take.

We're a millionaire. We're all billionaires. Because we all look terrible. I'm a world famous athlete, guys. My new show, the secret athlete. It's all prosthetics. The only bit of him that's real is his toe. My trauma toe.

Unbelievable. That was Jesse. at Ennis the entire time. Unbelievable. Oh dear. Yeah. Do you think you could do a game show where... Here we go.

I can't wait for this page. You have a team of podiatrists. I can already tell you. You link them up with a celebrity. They have to guess a person's job by looking at their feet. There's something in it. Yeah. I don't know if you need a team of podiatrist.

What I find is interesting is it's a good. game show, but the only people who could ever be contestants are professional podiatrists. So I don't know how much future there is. How many episodes are there? If you'd like to apply to be on this show and you must be a podiatrist. It could be like eggheads, though, you know, like you get to know the podiatrists. It's a bit like we started watching Is It Cake and it's basically the same seven people because there's only seven people in the world you can make a cake that looks like a Wellington Boob, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've done the same thing. I'd love to spread. It's a It's a grief, actually. Hold on, where's it gone? Crosby's walking out the door with it? Put his foot in his man. I've got a fungal tongue infection.

But yeah, I think, yeah. You get to know the podiatrists, wouldn't you? Yeah, but who wants that? Who wants that? Tom, who wants to get to know a podiatrist? That's the best selling point of this show. You get to know the podiatrist. It's so often I'm watching TV.

I don't know any of these podiatrists. And you guess what they do based on their feet. That's an interesting, I mean, it's an interesting YouTube short. Maybe it's not like a game show. Okay, so then you move to different parts of the body to round out half an hour. Beautiful. So it's like the podiatist round. So it's a bit like naked attraction.

No, no, you work your way up to the mouth, I guess, and then you can ask them questions. But it's like you go, you work your way up the body. You're working to them. So there is an ass episode. Possibly. There is an episode where they're looking just at your ass. It's not... It's like a quantity surveyor.

Something about his butthole suggests that he can... Wink once for yes and twice for those. What are you saying? It's a bit like the field of sportsman bit of question of sport. Yeah. Except you're looking... It's a bit like that. You're looking at the elbow of an estate agent.

It's a bit like that. It's a bit like naked attraction. It's a bit like watch your line or what's your watch. Yeah, it's like it's all those things combined. And there's the podiatrist round. And then there's, you know, I don't know. Well, that was episode 10. And once again, we didn't guess it.

Oh, no, no. It's not every episode a different part of the body. I don't care. No one's guessing it from their feet. Even a fucking podiatrist isn't going to know that somebody works in a fancy dress shop. Unless the feet have got like, you know, chicken claws or whatever. That little toe's got a spock ear on. I think I know where this is, actually.

Oh, dear. There could be something in it. Yeah, so I mean, answer your question. Yeah, it's a good show. Well, I used to work in a sandwich shop, and you'd get a real sense of someone's personality by their sandwich order I'd like to think by the time I was in.

Fascinated by this. And I'm sure, like, you're working. I think anyone works anywhere. You get a read on someone, and it's like, what kind of fancy dress are you going to get, okay, you know, someone comes in, and you'd probably get a read on what kind of fancy dress that's going to go for.

This is another racist, man. You want to be a Chinese man again. I hope you were here last week. Yes. Someone with seriously unprocessed oceans. People would, you know, like a tuna and sweet corn person. I'd be able to kind of get a read and think, I'd be tuna and sweet calls. Oh, so you'd see the person first and then you go.

That's the game I'd play. Rather than they've ordered tuna and sweet corn, they're a psychopath. No, no, no. But, you know. Can I say? That's the game show. Yeah. Look at someone against their.

I don't think you want to be looking at people's like knees and stuff. I think it's better to be like, I think that's a great game. Yeah, that's the game you'd play. So come in, you'd be like, okay, I think this is what that person's going to be. Let's play it now. Because I know what my sandwich order is. You might know what my sandwich order is already. I know what it is.

Like a proper sandwich place. Yeah, we go to a proper sandwich place. Right. So imagine you're the sandwich guy, right? And we're all standing here. We've got closhes in front of us, right? Okay. Okay.

Okay. Are you naked? No. Okay, okay. If you want to look at my butthole, you can do that. The closh is over my bottle. Actually, look at the butthole probably would be a good indication.

What they tend to eat. Chicken and bacon, that's a little bit of all. Seriously, splayed rig. I think we're in a Christmas dinner situation. Coronation chicken, I'm afraid. Have you got your sandwich? I've got it. I know what I might is.

Can I, shall I tell you a hint, which is I don't eat meat? So that does come into my mind. I think it's only fair to tell you. That is fair. I also don't eat meat. I know. I'd have factored that in, though, with both of you, don't worry. Okay.

Without you telling me. Clarkie, he's fucking everything. Yes. I only eat meat. Banana, please. Banana sandwich. With teddy bear meat. I need to be reminded of...

Okay. We'll start with me and we'll work up to our guests. Okay. You don't eat meat. Don't eat meat. But I don't think you're flashy about it. Like cheese plowments type set up. I'm going for there.

I'm going cheese plowments. I know that's like a, yeah, like a mealy thing. But like, you know, like mine is kind of like a mealy thing, actually. But it isn't cheese plowments. I'll give you another guess. Oh. You're really sending the message to do with your eyes. I'm picturing it.

I'm picturing this particular sandwich in my mind, kind of floating about here, about midway between you and I and hoping it will be communicated to you. It doesn't seem to be. working, but I'm trying my best. Prawn? I'm afraid not. Okay.

Okay. Can we look at your butthole now, please? Take your socks off. You've already missed the chance for the holiday in Spain, but you could with the washing machine. So get the on butterhole out. I don't want a washing machine. You can keep the washing machine. I need a washing machine.

I've got some for breeze. What's your order? Tuna melt. Every time. Love a tuna melt. Love a tuna melt. Okay. Okay.

Clarkie. I'm saying some kind of chicken and baking effort. No. I consider to take it. Just to make the game. I should say I haven't worked in a sandwich shop for 20 years. And it shows. It's not like a superpower I've taken with me in life.

No. But at the time, I was good. I don't know. I believe it. I believe it. I don't know. Some fucking cheese shit. Yeah.

Yeah. There we go. There we go. Didn't even need to look at the old assholes. That's good to know. But like in the same, basically, what I'm saying is, if you get a few drinks into a podiatrist, I bet they'd start opening up on people's feet.

Yeah. Yeah. The thing they've seen and what they intuit from a person's. Yeah, they've probably got some really good, oh, like, everyone should be doing this one simple thing and no one does it. Well, having someone else cut your nails for you. Yeah.

I had a guy the other day. He said he was an athlete. I've had to cut one nail for four months. He was eating a sandwich at the time. I knew he wasn't. I guess it's similar to dentistry, right? A dentist will know what you've been eating. Well, they know what you are currently eating.

They don't know what, like, how much sugar you've had. They know if you smoke, if you drink coffee and red, like they can sometimes they can tell. I don't know how accurate, but I guess there's probably... So are we sticking a dentist round in? Well, I mean, if... Round free. So wait, this show is the most schizophrenic show of all time.

We've got a podiatrist. A bloke who works in a sandwich shop and a dentist. Round three. And they're round four. A police officer asked you questions. What do you do for your job? Why are you showing your butt hole to this poor podiatrist? No, it's like a psychological evaluation.

So it's like a psychologist. Why have you agreed to come on this show? They do like a raw shock test on you. Round four. They get a sandwich. Wow, a raw show. They open up a sandwich and they say, what do you say here? tune them out

I think you're burying the lead somewhat on this show because I think I'd rather see a Rorschach test done on someone Before or after you've seen their feet I think I'd be I think that's the problem I'd watch the show

And I'd be like I don't really care about This random person's feet Or favourite sandwich But I would love to know What's seen going on in the mind So maybe you start with the Rorschach And if that doesn't work

Then you go into the feet Okay Okay And then maybe there's like an assault course. Get out my office. This is the word picture I've ever heard. It's becoming more and more like the Krypton Factor in my head.

Which is total wipeout, isn't it? But crucially, no one's wearing shoes or socks. I cannot stress that enough. Listen, if you are on those big boutsy balls on total wipeout and you haven't cut your toenails for four weeks. I know what it is. It's the masked singer meets Krypton Factor meets naked attraction. So someone's in like a banana outfit

but with no shoes or socks on. They can order a sandwich, you look at their feet. They do raw, shark. At the end, you guess who's in the banana? So, Sean, you're going on tour at the moment, right? Where can people see you on tour? Hey, the math thing it works. When is this going out?

It's going to go out in April. No, tour's over. Unless you live in Toronto or Montreal and you can see me there. Oh, wow. Do you get many listeners? We've got Canadian listeners. Well, there we go.

Come and see me, Montreal and Toronto. Toronto. Is Fabriz international? It's going to have to be. It's going to have to be. Or they're going to have to start doing, do you reckon you're in airports? A hundred mill. That would sell. That's a read. Now that is a good idea. Travel Fabriz. Travel for breeze. That's a good idea. That is also a good idea. Sorry, that's also. That's what I meant to say.

Thank you. Thank you. But yeah. And then I do a, I do a chat show in my living room called the Sean McTorke talk show. ruining my life so if people want to watch or listen to that. Great. I'm going to get you three on that. You should all come on. Oh, yes. We'd absolutely love to.

Please do, yeah. Sure. Sure. That, come on, be, sound committed to it. No, I really like it. It's just a, it's a fucking nightmare. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, that's podcasting. That's, well done. Thanks a lot, TV. It really fumbled, fumbled the ball and now we all have to do this. Well, there we go. What a joy. Yeah.

Sean is so, he's such a funny guy. We love talking to Sean. If he's ever playing near you, crucially, if you're in Canada, go and see him in Canada. But if he's ever gigging near you, he's one of the best. Absolutely. Absolutely brilliant. But also, do you have a job that you think, you know, your feet tell that tale? Let us know.

Yeah, also that. Keep the but hole stuff to yourself. Yeah, we don't know very much. We don't want that. But do your feet belong? your occupation and how? Photos please.

Yes. Do you pull a cart and does your foot have a hoof? Also, did you ever see bananas in pyjamas? Could you have seen Clark? And this is a bit more niche,

but were you ever at the Bromley Court Hotel and got some gravy down the back of your neck? Get in touch, Papi's Flatshire at Gmail. I'm sending the dry cleaning bill for a full refund. I'll send you a little tiny bottle. La Fabrese. That's all you're going to get. Okay.

Well, support us on the socials, support us on Patreon, but most of all, have a nice time. Today's episode was produced by Olivia Swash. Hello. Cheers, everyone.

Bye! I've got my... I've picked up Crosby's phone. Dick Clement AI images. Dick Clement running through the field. Does Dick Clement have name recognition? We can't put this out to

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