Pappy's Flatshare - Pappy's Flatshare ep 1616: "What's up with King Charles' fingers?"

Episode Date: May 18, 2026

What's the cure for tired eyes? What's the latest in spot-related youth fashion? And the shocking story of a gull attack! Pappy's - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/ https://www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshare Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/c/pappysflatshare Find tickets to all our live shows here - https://pappyscomedy.com/live Produced by Olivia Swash with tech help from Max Brill Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by FedEx. These days, the Power Move isn't having a big metallic credit card to drop on the check at a corporate lunch. The real Power Move is leveling up your business with FedEx intelligence, and accessing one of the biggest data networks powered by one of the biggest delivery networks. Level up your business with FedEx, the new Power Move. Greetings, listener dear. Tom. I'm Ben.

And I am Matthew and welcome to a very exciting episode of Pappy's FlatShare. It is an exciting episode. It's one of your classic Eps where Tom, Ben and Matthew here. Okay, Ben. Yeah, a little internal burp. There we go. It's okay, don't worry. We get on the old couch and we chew the fat.

We stir the custard and we throw the mud. Absolutely right. And mud is getting thrown at a variety of hot topics today. For example, Who exactly is Tom Brady? Oh no, we can't believe with that one. We don't know, but you might find out by listening to this. No, it's a rollicking ride.

If you're watching this on video, you will see that Tom is wearing shades. Do not worry, folks, all will be explained over the course of this episode as to exactly why he's wearing shades. Is this going to be a regular thing now? Do you think you're shades on for the foreseeable? No. Okay. And with that, and with that bombshell, let's listen and enjoy this episode of Pappy's Flatshare. Tom, before we get started, we've got to address the sunglasses. Yes. One of them.

Are you going to wear sunglasses for the whole episode? You're going to wear your glasses for the whole episode? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough. Tushay, my friend. Too shade. Too shade, my friend. Now listen. Tom, talk us through why you've decided to wear sunglasses for today's episode of Pappy's Flat Shair.

Because I've got very, very tired eyes. Yeah. It's never stopped you in the past. Oh, I know. It was getting to the point where I was like, when you put those clips up. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was like, that guy just looks really tired.

He doesn't look like he's having a good time. He looks really tired. It does feel like there should be a filter for that, shouldn't it? Yeah. And so this is my primitive filter for that. I think I'd rather look like a dickhead. than someone who people are going to... I think there's two different types of pity.

You pity a guy who's wearing sunglasses indoors, but I don't... Not as much as somebody who just go, I wish that guy would just go. Stop recording a podcast and go to sleep. He doesn't need to be making a podcast. They definitely think half of that sentence. He needs to be having a rest.

It's like, what's he doing? What's he still trying to hoof out a podcast episode for? Is this a 24-hour podcast recording for charity? Is this kind of challenge or something? It's like comic relief. Expects fucking Lauren. and Laverne to be waiting on the finish line. Crying. Yeah, and I have a breakdowns.

My sister's there or something. It's like that's so it felt. Your eyes do look like they've been crying. Exactly, yeah. You do look a bit like you have just done 25 marathons in 25 days. Exactly. Yeah. So,

high marathes. Maybe that's the kind of shades I should be wearing and there's like running shades. Yeah, high performance. And like weeping from my nipples. You should have a water bag on you at all times. The only thing you can't wear, of course, is the gold, is the sort of foil sort of wrap around thing because that will affect with the mics.

Yes, of course. If people are listening at audio only, we'll hear just, we'll think, what's he doing? Eat in a bag of crisps all the way through this. No, this is a man who, this is an athlete.

Yeah. Who has pushed his eyes too far. Exactly. Exactly. You've got, your eyes have run ultra-mastence. They've seen too much. The things you've seen.

They've seen too much. Your eyes, what's that name, David Goggins? Your eyes are basically the same eyes that David Goggins. I've got Gogging goggles. You've got Gogging goggles. exactly

who's David Goggins David Goggins is the guy who runs the ultra marathons right okay yeah I think he's got David Gargan that's what that song's about

yeah he's not the guy he's in the White Lotus no and he's having a revival like in his career the sort of odd guy who were all meant to be told is sexy

by the way Clarkie are you are you banking on one of those I think you're the perfect candidate for one of those late in the day. A white load. Acting career surges where everyone's like, he chipped away for years. No one ever heard of him.

Then suddenly, in he comes. And suddenly he's like, this kind of like shooting star for about five years. What happens at the end of that five years? I mean, he doesn't end up well. No one knows. He doesn't mean, Waltz and Goggins. He means the character in White Lotus. It means you're going to go and do a bit of, you know,

you're going to be in a very weird relationship with a much younger woman, and you're going to, spoiler alert, get shot. It's like a career renaissance, but without actually having much of a career beforehand. Right, yes. It's kind of the phenomenon. How much, yeah, how much of a career do you need to have

for it to be called a career renaissance? John Travolta had a career renaissance, because he was huge in the 70s, then huge again in the 19th, 20 years later. Yeah. Whereas Walton Goggins, hey, no doubt he's been in some good, good stuff.

He's chipped away. Oh yeah. He's been there for a man here. As has Clarkie. He's putting his hours. He's putting his... He's been chipping away. I don't think I've had 10,000 hours.

He's got his chisel out. I tell you what's had 10,000 hours, Tom's eyes. Oh my God. Each? Yeah. I've got 10,000, 10,000, vision. Tom's eyes are like the Beatles coming out of Hamburg. But without the drugs to keep him awake.

Have you considered blinking? I think it might help you. No, because then I'm worried on. never open again. That's the stage we're at now. Don't give them, exactly. Don't feed them with the oxygen. You know when you're on a journey and I know we always come back to tired car journeys

when it's like, you do? If I pull over the service station, if I keep, do I risk waking up and it's suddenly 4 o'clock in the morning where I was like, you just plow on. That's what my eyes are like now. Like if you stop and blink. I don't think that's the government morning. Yeah, can I say that's incredibly dangerous advice. Clow on, particularly the word plow on.

Plow through. Plough on into oncoming track. The answer is always, do I risk, at the end of that sentence is wrong, do I risk dying or do I risk having a big nap? Yeah, yeah, yeah, the big nap. By the way, what are you doing with your sunglasses now?

They're not even resting on your ears anymore. Why have they gone up? They're starting to give me a headache. Are you sure it's the glasses? You sure it's not just your eyes? Well, that's it. Which one's the worst foe at the moment? You know, when you have a, you know,

and they press just behind the ears. I've got quite a normal size head. Oh yeah. This will be the issue. This will be the issue. No, I have, I have had that. There's nothing worse than, I got them overtitened

at spec savers. Yeah, and they were great, you know, they weren't slipping down my nose. They felt fantastic and then it was getting crippling hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, oh God. They're just right there in the sweet spot. I was getting nose bleeds, yeah.

That's, I don't know, man. I don't know, no either. Have you got your child? One of your kids' glasses there. Are they, you sure haven't picked up? Why have they got pepper pig written down the side of them? You're a bit small man. I'm in a bad way, actually, with them.

I don't normally wear something like that for this amount of time. Normally it's just from place, well, anyway, it's outdoors, crucially. Outdoors on a sunny day? It's a gift. How did you know? How did I do it? That's some Derron Brown, Paul McKenna, shit going on there.

Oh, they are going to have to come off. Oh, la la, there they are. And there are the eyes. I think your eyes look fine, man. That's all right, then. I think your eyes look all right. I don't know. Be nice.

You get those like little shell things, don't you, that you stick on underneath. Oh, yeah, the little gloopy. Like brides always wear on the morning of them getting dressed. Yeah. So I've heard. How do you know? Hanging out, hanging out around Stately Holmes peeping in through the window. I'm so tired.

It's wedding season. I've been hoofing it around the National Trust properties with my step ladder. Pretending I'm a photographer's assistant. Just the bridesmaids now. Just the bridesmaids. Who's that guy? Gotta go. Yeah, they look a bit like a kind of, they look a bit like a tide pod, don't they?

They're sort of like, you know, they've got gel inside them. I thought you were talking about his eyes still. Yeah, they do, yes. But they got a little bit of gel. Yeah, very, very nice. I don't really know what they do. those and there's also the star stickers that you stick on your spots which i love now which are all the rage it's very regency isn't it it's like very regency dandy you know big bubo on your face and you

sort of stick a stick a little club on it whatever rather than yeah rather than uh you know just letting a whole bubo dangle off your cheek what's a buber you know like he runs the ultramarathans he always gets silver behind goggins real it's goggins first it's bubo he's second Is it not called a bubo? Like the, like if you get the bubonic plague? Yeah, yeah. You get bubos, bubos under your arms.

Spots. Good God. Pimpoles. Thank you. Thank you, man. I've never heard them called bubos either. You were a very smart man. Well, I just,

I just talk a lot with a lot of confidence until people look at me confused, go, that's not what that word means. Yeah, yeah, yeah, nothing. I thought, because our park cafe is kind of staffed by volunteers and, like, students, or teenagers basically. And for a while it looked like,

we thought they'd been just like children's parties because there's children's parties that go in the function room and all the staff had these bloody stars on their faces. And we thought, is this something to do with like kids' parties or something?

Just good staff. They get the gold star. Yeah, just like mucking about. On the face. I just thought it's all like someone's got a niece or something. Do you know what I mean? Someone's got a niece.

Someone's got a niece. That's why I said when I saw those glasses. Those tiny glasses you wear. Someone's got a niece. Someone's niece is staring into the sunlight going, where's my glasses gone? Someone's nieces have their retinas burnt off. But yeah, someone's got a niece and you thought, oh, that's what the, that's what's going on. But actually, no.

And now it feels like they're almost fashionable in themselves. Yeah. It's almost worth getting spots, you know, just to have, or just sticks. No one's going to know. No one's checking underneath. That's a good fight. How were you with acne back in the day? How do you mean?

How was it? Do I love it? Did I hate it? Did it come for you? Did it come for you hard? It comes for us all, doesn't it? Yeah,

but it comes through some, some people, some people all have a really tough time of it. Yeah, more stars than sky. You know, when you're in the,

you get an Airbnb in the countryside. Some people are like that. It's like that. It's like it in the outback, looking at your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dark nature reserve. For you, we've just got

a big star mask you can wear. Two little eye holes. It was around here for me. I think you remember. Around the chinnel area. I was mainly chinnel, and that was it. and actually I thought

you can deal with that. Yeah. It always had very kind of porcelain shiny looking skin. Up here has always been grand for me. I don't think you struggle too much with that. I wasn't too bad. You know,

I get, you know, you breeze through it. People were so busy looking at the ears. Yeah. Which were a big deal for Clarkie until like we, as you said,

he rode through it. Yeah. And there acne ears. That's not bad actually. That's a good thing. Distraction. Wear your sunglasses all the time until your acne goes. People would be like, are those fucking tiny glasses is wearing?

So you're the fucking matrix. I realize how spotty is. So you're saying basically control the way that people laugh at you. Yes. Which I think to a certain extent, even though I didn't have loads of spots, I definitely was like, I didn't make myself look like an attractive person. Yeah. I think that was a deliberate choice to be like, this is on my terms.

Yeah. Social rejection is on my term. Yeah. actually. Yeah. It was a defense mechanism. It was an odd one because what, why did I just go and try and make some friends? Rather than make myself look as weird and odd as possible.

Like, ah, you don't want to be my friend, right? Yeah, but, you know, I've done a lot of work of myself since then. So did you say that was acne pretty bad for you? I definitely, I definitely, I don't think it was, yeah, I definitely had it. I don't think it was, I remember it being it. Yeah. It's a bad thing. And it was.

I remember thinking there were lots of, lots of cures that people would say, like, you know, the rubbing toothpaste on your face. Do you ever hear about that? Oh, I didn't do that. You ever try it? It's quite good. My daughter's really got into toothpaste. That's a bad thing to be into, yeah. Just having a bit of...

Yeah, they give away the little free toothpaste at the dentist, and she had one, like, I saw it the other morning. She just had like white all around her mouth like a meth head. And I said, are you all right? What's going on? And she said, I've just been upstairs having a little on the toothpaste. You can't be doing that. That's actually not very. That's bad juju.

I mean, she might have fantastic teeth. I mean, she's got great teeth now, but she might have like amazing teeth when she grows up. But she also might lose all her teeth. I don't know what. Yeah. I think the idea is you're not supposed to eat toothpaste like it's Primula. It is.

I don't think you're supposed to eat Primilar either. I'm entirely. What? No. Come on. Surely Primula still. Bit on your spot. I saw you're right out,

but yeah, that's what they said. Rub a bit of toothpaste, yeah, and it certainly had the, you know, like when something hurts, therefore you think it's working? Yes. It had that effect, but I don't think it had the other effect

of actually working. I still don't really know. I don't think I've ever really known how to properly handle spots. It's not what you're doing right now. Why you grip? Well, I've got one there. Well, don't touch it,

because, wash your hands. You know, when you get an ingrowing hair, how fucking satisfying that can be. You know, the joy of it. Do you have the joy of an ingrowing hair? You think you get in a spot and you get into it and you look at it and it's like, oh, hang on, there's a hair in there going to wrong way. The way you're pushing your face and going, you get into it.

No wonder you'd struggle with spots. I know. Then you get into it. It's a breeding ground there. You're putting more grease into the... Yes, agreed. Agree. Yeah.

Take that as read. So I'm told. Ignore that. I want to tell you how satisfying it is pulling little coiled up hairs out of my own face. Because when you get one and you go in and like your tweezer it, out and then you see that it's like big and it was going the other way oh and you feel it come out

and it feels like you've fucking landed a fish how I mean? How is that show you're trying to get off the ground with Robson Green? You and him sit by a rhythm bank and tease hairs out of your nostrils and mouth holding massive hairs

should have seen the one that got away it's good though isn't it and you're feeling to come out and you're trying to keep it all together and then you're, wait, no, no, no, the mind you're doing currently is like you're, it's like you're doing like a magician's like, tanty trick. Yeah, that's where you're pulling. Can I just ask, when you pull that head, does it make you go cross-eyed as well?

You're like on your arms going up and down like a marionette. What's going on if you're pulling this? Do you say a phrase? What are you doing? There's a air in my face. Much better Clarkie's version. Well, we'll never know. Yours,

yours, unfortunately was much louder and I've got no idea what Clarky says. We'll rewrite, we'll rewind the tape and let history be written by the winners.

Oh, so glad I'm wearing some glasses for this clip. Really do some numbers. So, because you're saying it's, you wind it out of your face. Like if I've had an ingrained hair,

it is less than a centimeter long. It's like a half centimeter. Yeah, but it feels bigger because it's been going to your face, isn't it? It's like, Like, it's all in kind of perspective.

You're saying if you hold things up to your face, they look bigger. Can't be the case. It's not working with those sunglasses. Oh dear. I still don't know how to buy sunglasses either. Like I don't know what my sunglasses are like that I've bought until people comment on them. Yes.

Yeah. I have no clue. like I have no idea about aviators because you think they're a good idea and then you put them on and you see you trying to do it's like you know exactly like any kind of that kind of look that kind of outfit

leather jacket or a fucking pilot like bomber jacket type thing anything top gun related anything top gun related or cool or like that kind of aviators like if you give that even a tiny go

then it's horrifically bad news for me. Do you think so? Yeah. Because I think, no, I don't, I think you could definitely, I think you'd definitely. I think you could do it because you,

hey listen, when? Could you imagine if I turned up wearing a leather jacket? On your stag do, right? You'd be like, you know, you wore a leather jacket, right? Hey, I'm not saying I wouldn't take the piss out of you,

but that's sort of, you know, it's fair game, but I'm not, I would also have, I would say, it would really detrap for me. You're in growing hairs, that's amazing. But when you, what your stag do, you, you wore biker leather. I was dressed.

You were dressed in the crucial difference. Yeah, yeah, no, sorry, you didn't show up dressed in it. Oh, my great. Finally, let's stag. Lads. It really is my last night of Sartorial Freedom. Yeah, I was dressed as a biker. Because, uh, because Jane worked in a biker bar.

Yes. Right. So you were dressed as a biker. Yes. I've still, I've still got the pictures. Oh yeah. And I think you look. I think you, it's a good look for you.

And I think the. The older you get, the more bearder you get, the more I think you could lean into that. Yeah, but which raise my beard going. Got a huge pussy beard. I've internalised it all. You've got a furry tongue. I'll say that much. It's got like a desperate damn chin because it's all on the inside.

He looks like Grogmire from the family guy. My chin's just on the verge. It's that chin moving. Why is he putting the razor inside his god? That's the only way to get rid of this beers. I have to go to the dentist for a haircut. He's buying a lot of star stickers. But like this, I think, I think, if I'm...

Sorry, I'm still laughing at he has to go to the dentist for a haircut. Which, by the way, is a thing I'm going to start saying about people, it doesn't matter what. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know that? All I'm saying is, he's the kind of guy, he has to get the dentist for a haircut. Yeah, I've got a measure. I've got a measure of that guy. What?

Who was that man? Ding, ding. Hopped off the bus. Hello, I'm the wedding photographer Oh, then he was No, no, no My day's been ruined Yeah, I think there's a different

I think There is a slight difference between Becoming, like if I became a motorcyclist in my Yeah, you have to have a motorcycle You know, if you embrace the middle age kind of Right, I'm a cyclist now You start fucking hooking your You're thumb in your mouth

Yeah, that by the way, yeah It's like, I'm a cycle cyclist then you're not looking at people's bikes terrible technique for cycling there is definitely a type like a fuller figure yeah like in his 50s who started motorcycling yeah hooks his thumb in his belt yeah so there's that and I think I could you know shaved head of course with a bit of a goatee going on the beard the wraparound shades I'm possibly the bandana all shades are up around shades on my head they really are not they fuse to your eyes All I'm saying is

You've got it growing shades. To take your shades if he's got to get the dentists. I'm saying about him. So. And what do you do? You do a couple? Yeah, there's a difference from that

and stepping out with an LJ on. Well, I saw a guy today, you know, it was, daughter at Forest School. At the hospital. The hospital.

It's been on the tooth. Baste again. Three tubes. Sorry. Framing at the mouth. Give her a squeeze with your doc. From the feet. Roller up.

Gets my brush out. Waste not whatnot. Give it a scrub. Yeah. I dropped my daughter off at Forest School. Oh yeah. And I saw a guy on his driveway revving up that mode.

You know, like fix in the end. You know, he had the old oily rag over his shoulder. And I thought, and he was a gentleman of a certain age, right? He's not going into work today. No. He is having a, you know, with, I'm thinking early retirement. Yeah. Just time to work on his engines.

Lovely. And I thought there's something in that. I couldn't tell you the first thing about engines. But then maybe he, you know, maybe he was like, I've always, I've always wanted. I've always wanted. You're never too old to learn. Yes. I think, I think that could be in your future.

Yes. That's, that's a different thing. To just suddenly rocking up in a. leather jacket like you're a member of soft sell yeah or like those kind of you know because when the people who can do and well yeah yeah yeah i mean yeah i think like it's such a big new look to launch yes yeah very hard at our age to suddenly come in with like a new thing if it's not coupled with sudden and recent success then you're in trouble i'm really hoping my renaissance yeah that's what i mean I think that's how we know.

Like your Walter Goggins kind of, if he comes in with a leather jacket on, then you go, yeah, and fair play to you. He's made his money. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brett Goldstein knocks on the door here and he's got one of those, like, like sleek leather jacket things on. You're going to be like, well, keep it on me. Great.

It's a much better guess than the three of us. Also, have you got one, Goggins done, but we've got him on the couch. But we can squeeze you in. But it's like, it'll be warm during the record,

but keep that on, mate. You absolutely wear it well. So, you know, I would be, I'd be up for that. I'd be up for you suddenly getting successful and then starting wearing a leather jacket. Oh, thank you. I'd embrace that for you. Okay.

But if you aren't getting successful and you start doing it, then there's blood in the water. What about, what about dress for the job you want? If it's coupled, if it's coupled with the opposite of success. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is true. This is true. that's yeah so that's danger danger like you've not bought a bike but you have bought a leather jacket yeah you have recently a stag you've recently had a breakup you're not having a stag you're not

having a stag the stag's cancelled but for some reason the WhatsApp group he's still trying to get a we all know we can still get together guys we all know the wedding's not happening nobody else wants to go on this day I've booked a booked an Airbnb guys it's happening Sidewalks up group springs up. Have you seen his leather jacket? Booked an Airbnb. He lives in one. Yeah, that's true.

It's either success or breakdown. Yeah. Those are the two. Yeah. And then obviously you've got the next step, the extreme step, which again, owning an engine makes okay of leather trousers. Hold the phone. Yeah. Like there is a thrill to sticking on a pair of leather trousers.

that you can only really legitimize if you're going to ride a motorbike. Probably, there's a lot of people where that's the reason they've bought a motorbike. It's like, yeah, oh, yeah, I've bought the bike, but I mean, come on. Oh, my good God. That feels all right, don't it? You know what I mean? It does feel all right, Tom. It does feel all right.

Well, the other thing you could, you know, if the feel of leather against the skin feels all right, you could get into sort of being a fetish guy. That could be your thing. thing for the future. That's less easy to kind of pull off, isn't it really? Famously. Lether trousers.

There's too much chains and stuff. That's a very dormant WhatsApp group. Anyone want to swing with me. I've just bought some leather trousers. Because would I be right in saying it's easier for women to wear leather trousers? I'd say so. I'd say it's more common. Like I think if,

If my wife decided to buy a pair of leather trousers, I don't think it would be seen as a cry for help. You couldn't wait for it and leave the house and leave the trousers there. Oh, no, no, no, just wear you. Just wear your Juggins today actually, yeah, leave those. No, it's actually a bit warm. I know the weather's, Jekins, where is this set?

Jekins and leather trousers. It's one or the other. You've got to pick a side. Sharks versus Jets. Me trying to get into my wife's pair of leather trousers. Oh, tiny than a pair of sunglasses. Having to call the jaws of death to get the trousers and the glasses off you. The jaws of life, I always call them the jaws of death.

They literally wouldn't be called the jaws of death. Fetch the jaws of death. What did you say? Say again? The jaws of what? Life, sorry, I got confused. Get the JODs. He ain't making it.

It's for the best. We're just going to seal him in today. Have you ever ridden? Would you ever go for a motorbike? I like the look of them, but I think they're a bit scary. Moped? How do you go to moped? I think they're worse.

Are they? I think they're quite unsafe. Small wheels. It's not good for traction and skidding around and stuff. I had a holiday where we hired a moped, and it was in a place where they weren't, a bit loosey-goosey with whether I had a driving license and I loved it. Did I get in multiple crashes?

Yes. I've heard a lot of this. Yeah. Was I one of the tourists who was constantly knocking into the locals and having them scream at me in a language I didn't understand and have to apologize? Yes. Did I at one stage come off the motorbike with Charlie on the back and knock a load of metal bars into the road that we just then had to move oncoming traffic was like, it was a really

long road. We could see the cars coming and we were like just, pushing metal bars to the cast. Yes, I didn't know what that. But apart from that, apart from those few small details of nearly killing myself and thousands of others. I was like,

oh, I think they're a bit dangerous. You're like, what? Live a little, man. Yeah, I loved it. You know, not dangerous enough for me. That was my problem. I was like, ah, I heard these are dangerous, guys.

But also, you don't want it to become your whole personality. Like, we've got motorbike man. I've spoken to, I've spoken about performing the podcast, but like he was our neighbour three doors down who rode a motorbike, so he just became known as motorbike man, he still knows his motorbike man. Even though we know him really well known, know his name. It's like he's still motorbike man.

Yeah. There is a way, there's a world where it kind of becomes your personality. Yeah. In a way that no one would ever call you like Carman, Vauxhall guy. Unless you were really leading into it. Unless I moved to Voxal. That would be the first, the first step, unless I had a breakdown.

I moved to Vauxel and start wearing a Tico's in my head and walking through the streets. You've seen Vauxall guy. Yeah, yeah. Did he ask you for money as well? Yeah, yeah. Don't give it to him. Hello, everybody. I'm Vauxhall, man.

He's always outside the tube station. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't mind Vauxhall Man as a car. I'm quite enjoying that. I'll tell you, that waving above my arm got me to my 10,000 steps. Have you got it set on your arm instead? I've got it. 10,000 waves.

Yeah. He's really become friendly after we bought that watch. I bought this off the Queen. She said, I'm making my 10,000 steps by about 9 a.m. When I wear this. Those are our last words anyway. RIP, mom. It's, it was, it's, it was, it wasn't it designed, did she design it?

Was that the Royal Wave? This wave. Yeah. Putting your hand up and just, just showing the back of the hand of the front. Yeah. Yeah. But was she the original Royal Waiver? Oh, that's a good question.

No, a Royal Waiver is something else, isn't it? Isn't that where you don't have to do a thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I don't know. The, the, did she design that way? Did she design that way? I would say. Yeah.

How far back does that go, basically? Any level of repetition, right? If you're moving your hand like that all day, you're going to get RSI, aren't you? Oh, yeah. What's, what's going on? What is going on? What do you think's happening here with this? hands.

What are you doing to it? What's your technique that you're seeing me do with this in my hand and going, oh, I? There's a reason you're not invited to any swing this party. I know no technique. I did used to think it was that to begin with. I know we've covered that before. We've covered that before.

We used to think it was up and down. Well, up and down works. It just takes a bit longer. And it hurts a bit more. It's not a bad Royal Wave either. It's not a bad. I think each monarch should have their own. Yeah, that's a good point.

So it's like that would be QE 2 and then Charles does something a bit more. But he's got enormous fingers, right? So for him, that's going to be much, much harder. Surely he should be holding up. The resistance that he's up against with that. The wind resistance on Charles's hands. Yeah, exactly. So what's he going to be doing?

Maybe he needs to be more elbow led. Keep those fingers down. So you see the carriage go past and you're like, are we sure that's that's King Charles? And an elbow. He's given us the royal elbow. An elbow comes out and rotate. Like he's about to make a turn or something. What's going on?

He's putting his elbow out. You ought to protect that man's hand at all costs. Yeah. I don't think he could be, you know, he can't be popping his hand out of a carriage. A bird will have that away. His hand will be pecked down to the bone by seagulls. When he gets to X day, well.

Seagull swooped, landed on my wife's head this morning. Whoa. Because my son was. was eating a biscuit. And he thought, well, I can't go to the kid. He tried to get to the kid. Via the... And landed on Jane's head.

Wow. Then swung up and then came back and she had to go at it with a swimming noodle. That's true. They've become... And I warned you and I'm on record. Yeah. Sunglasses off. Yeah.

I said, you watch those seagulls. And people thought I was overreacting and they have become... And then loads of people got in touch say they're not called seagulls. They're called girls. Yeah. A lot of people said that. Come on. They have become radicalized further.

They landed on. My wife said, and we're talking about a biscuit. Not even a sausage roll this time. So just a biscuit in your little son's hand. His tiny little son. His tiny little son with his normal size shades. He's big for his age.

He's big for his age. Yeah. Maybe a few less biscuits then. Maybe they were there. Maybe the seat cup was going. He's down enough. He's massive. Have you seen the size of his sunglasses?

They're huge. They're absolutely enormous, Tom. So, yeah. So Seagull stops, lands on the head of your wife and tries to peck out her. Yeah. So what would they do to Charles Fingers, basically? Yeah. Yeah.

I do feel, do you feel a bit bad going on the kid? Everyone likes to go on looking for his side. No, he's made fun of it themselves. It's like, I think that's the, yeah. He's like, he thinks it's funny that he's got sausage fingers. Does he? Yeah. He does.

What? What did he say about him? He said, he said, isn't it funny that I've got sausage fingers? Isn't it funny that one has sausage fingers? He doesn't strike me as someone who'd be kind of... He took a laugh. On the roast of King Charles.

He's up on the dais. I've got to get to the fingers first. Otherwise, I know Kevin Hart's going to absolutely tear me a new one about them. Jeff Ross, I'm looking at you. You've got pretty fat motherfucking fingers too, mate. I've seen those hams on you, boys. My fingers are bigger than you, Kevin Hart. You saw these and thought they were your family.

I'd love to see the roast of King Charles. But it's all the tragic roasters from America. Tom Brady's there for some reason. Tom Brady's always there. Jamie Fox. Chimping when people talk about Giselle going up with a confu instructor. It hurts. All of those, right?

They're such a terrible business, isn't it? No, I love them. Do you? Yeah, I do love them. I do love them. They're like a guilty pleasure. No, they're just a pleasure. I love them.

I'm in the middle. I watched the entire, right, I'll tell you, right? I watched the entire Tom Brady race. I don't know who you're right. I don't know who he is. I was going to say. No idea. What did that mean to you?

They're bringing out people like, oh, in a second, the Mac's going to come out. I don't know any of their names, but I can't remember. But all these people coming out, making jokes. Gronk came out. Gronk came out. The gronk came out. They bring out the gronk. They brought him out of me like in Pulp Fiction.

The gronks asleep. That new outfit he's gone. That's my middle age crisis. I'm going to begin. Tom's become a gronk. You don't normally have a roast where you have to zip your mouth to do your jokes. I'll tell you now, that's not one of King Charles's fingers. And actually, he loves a bit of seagull on it.

Yeah, no, yeah, I watched the whole thing. I didn't know who anyone was. I loved it. I was laughing all the way. I got you grunk. No idea. You've been grunk. And it was probably three hours long.

It was long, man. There's one of Kevin Hart coming out that I'm chomping at the bit. I'm going to, I can't wait to finish this up and go home and watch it. It's grimbo, man. I love it. I just think there's something very, like, it's just, it really is,

it's tapping into our worst instinct. Yeah. It is, it is. In a way that feels quite freeing to me. It's like Las Vegas, basically. Well, like, that's where it's the Friars roast. It all started around the Friars Club, didn't it? So it would be like Sammy Davis Jr.

and Dean Martin and Don Rickles and those kind of people. But, you know, classy, right? Yeah. I mean, I'm sure if you watch the roast of Sammy Davis Jr., it's not going to be classy. It's going to be the opposite of classy. It's going to be the absolute opposite of classy. but I don't know I really like it

I don't know maybe it's maybe it's because I think yeah I'd be one of those guys I reckon if I met Gronk he and I would trade snaps I was thinking I'd love to see like the equivalent of it and then I realised that it's just this is your life isn't it the British comedy roast is this is your life that's the equivalent just be like ah that's a PE teacher

and he was always a lovely student Hey-oh, thank you. Very good. That is the exact opposite, which I actually would, I would love to see come back. Yeah. Why don't they do this is your life anymore?

This is your life was such a great show. And the thing I always, now obviously, they obviously knew it was happening and all that kind of caper, but the thing I always, the thing I always wanted. Don't do that to me.

What is what about? Was it a setup? Yeah, of course. No. And also, it's also never the, like, it's never, and I'm sure we talked about this before,

It can't be the thing. I mean, of course. So they would meet them, like, he's currently appearing in a West End show, right? Okay? So, my class was going to wander on during the curtain call and hand in the, and then what,

they're going to all get in a, they're going to all get in a car and drive to a studio and filming for, what, at midnight. Oh, yeah, I guess. They're not doing that, are they? But anyway. Anyway, sorry to, sorry.

Climps beyond the curtain. Oh, gosh, the life. Sorry to burst you, this is your life. Bubble. But, Is this a roast? It's the roast. This was all a setup.

But I always wanted to be, I always wanted to be in a theatre when that happened. Don't you think it'll be exciting? You know, like... The play was good. You're on the way home. The play was good, but Michael Asport.

Yeah, the play was good. But Michael Asport didn't come up the end with a red book. Where was Asple? It's the only reason you're going to all these theatrical events. One of these days. It was all right.

He gave a good king near us. suppose. I've been in inverted commas a theatre lover for close to 30 years. I've got I've seen so much theatre. I've seen so many plays.

Has Asple shown up? No, never once. Has he shown up? You stay in the bar for the play, don't you? Come out for the curtain call. Is he here? No. Good God.

I just, I, what I do is I show up, I see running time. I just calculate exactly what time the curtain call will be happening. Nip over the road to Bella Italia or something. Have a lovely A lovely bit of a bit of gosch you know

the text gronk back over that you can who are a twat he loves that he loves that grung also who are you is a way to see

that's a classic roast yeah and then back over for the for the curtain call fingers crossed what a way to waste

a life ironically yeah this is your life he has propped up West End bars and bar into this. So what's your all feeling on the roast? You said you were on the fence.

Yeah, I mean, I do like some bits and other bits. I'm like, oh, I don't like that. What's your line? The famous. What crosses over there? Yeah, it's like the famous bit. And it is really good. Are you enjoying it until they get mean?

It's like, oh, these guys are friends. Oh, no. I don't like that. That's a shame. He loves the very. And it's great to see Nick Glazer here. But all the jokes about

how much work she's had done oh come on! That's a bit cruel. Whatever happened to women empowering women? Sorry, go on, go on. You know there's like the famous Jamie Fox one where the guy is trying to roast him and Jamie Fox starts

like he starts pretending to be the guys in a monologue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he basically he kills into the microphone yeah, yeah. And he basically like kills the guy's career.

Oh no. I like, on stage the guy just bombs and he's going come on man like to change

he's trying to go like oh come on man come on because it's like he's like the big famous guy is getting roasted

and it's like he's trying his luck oh no it's awful oh that's tough that's tough yeah and I don't know

why me watching that makes me feel uncomfortable well maybe that renaissance isn't going to happen They do do it over here, don't they?

It's like the YouTubers do it. The YouTubers have started doing it, like the side men all roast each other and that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. For the views, we should. Should we do a roast? Yeah. We should have a word. I've done it recently.

I watched the have a word. I love it. Surprise, surprise. It was great. You don't know where any of them or either, did you? I've got no idea. You're waiting for gronk to come out. This is your gronk.

Where's gronk? That was my only, my only, My only problem with the Haver word roast was that Michael Aspel didn't come out of the end. I call Adam Roa Cunt. So is the... I love the Haver word roast. I really, really... So is the pitch, this is your roast.

And it's like, this is your life for a comedy roast. Done with it, with a Sunday roast. Asper comes out. Asper comes out with a red folder. Yeah. But then it's full of like barbed comments. And then your old Pete, it comes out. then called your aunt

like your oldest friend. Yeah. Yeah. Instead of finding like the happiest memories throughout your life, you find all the people that really disliked you.

I actually think there might be an angle in that. Yeah. It's like the... All the people who have wronged you or you've wronged. Yeah. This is your life. It wasn't a good one. And it finishes off with the jaws of death.

And it's not with celebrities. It's just with people on the streets that we deep dive in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The worst thing you want to hear as you're about to step on the stage for your This is your roast is this was an easy one to book.

If anything, we had to turn quite a lot of people away. It's a three-part. And it's mostly your family. Clarkie, that was too close. That was too close to him there. Somebody get this guy of Renaissance. Somebody get this guy of Renaissance. Oh, no.

It's on the way. Don't worry, Clarkie. Thank you for listening to that till the very end. If you like what we do, if you like the output that we put out, that's quite a smart sentence, isn't it? I wouldn't say so. Oh, okay. I think it's quite good.

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Hello. Cheers, everyone. Bye. Lovely. Lovely. Lovely.