Pappy's Flatshare - Pappy's Flatshare ep 1631: Rhys James is “a very tall boy”

Episode Date: September 1, 2026

Why is absinthe a bad idea? How late is too late for a baby tooth to fall out? Have we invented a new robot wars reboot? The statuesque yet petite Rhys James pops into the flat and it yes, we talk about robots again. Rhys James https://www.instagram.com/rhysjamesy/?hl=en https://www.tiktok.com/@rhysjamesy Pappy's - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/ https://www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshare Support us on Patreon - www.patreon.com/pappysflatshare Find tickets to all our live shows here - https://pappyscomedy.com/live Produced by Connor Hayles Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. Do you say greetings? And I am Matthew. Greetings, everybody. Greetings. To another classic episode of Pappy's Flatsharing. It's a guest episode, a wonderful guest.

We've got Rees James here today. Reese, James was here. Not to be confused with James, Rees. Not to be confused with all the other, Reese, James. No. Not that. He can't. Not that.

He can't be confused about that. So, yeah, we had a little. lovely time chatting to Reese. He's absolutely brilliant. And weirdly, we got onto the topic of of robots having sex, which is really weird for us. Yeah. It's a late moor. We never, we never, never mention it. But yeah, we had a wonderful time. We talked about, we talked about Reese's health. He's ever-declining health and the lack of work he's putting into that. Yeah, and we also ended up talking about sex education as well. Yeah, we did. We learned a lot. So, yeah, finally. And you might too late to learn.

Anyway, if you enjoy what we do, support us on the Patreon, support us on the socials, you know the drill. Let's get into this episode and we'll see you on the other side. Clark, you've got bad knees, aren't you, Clarkie?

My joints... Hang on a sec. Is this... We've got Rees James here, by the way. It's to start. I don't know we're just talking about joints, weren't we? Yeah.

Very clicky joints, Reese James. Which never comes across on Apollo. I don't know. I think... They have to go on. When you're watching Jack D walk on. He's not said anything. about Reese James' clicky joints.

Call himself an observational comedian. Bloody hell, he's popular. It's time with a random applause. No, it's just his leaves, mate. Have you taken anything to combat it, though? Have you, are you cod liver oiling it? I like it. It's nice.

It doesn't hurt. That's true. It's just like some people, when they can click their knuckles. Yeah. And some people, it doesn't make a sound. When you were a kid, it felt like you really wanted to click,

you want to be able to click your knuckles. I used to do my nails. all the time because I was like that's the coolest thing in the world where it's like to be hard yeah yeah yeah yeah if you're gonna be if you're gonna beat someone up you need to be to do that yeah you gotta have yeah oh no this guy's really gonna get the shit out of me yeah it should imply well okay just quickly roll to his left and he fart go behind him he's got to turn his whole body famously weak neck the most sneak upable on man in the world yeah yeah it used to be like oh well that's the the toughest guy in prison

basically. If you're a cock of So are you telling me none of your joints click particularly? My left knee every four months or so will become very musical

to remind you to do your tax return I must be VAT time it will suddenly become very musical and make a lot of noise and I'm like, I've got to get that look at and then it'll just shift and then it'll stop

and I'm like oh okay great sorted itself four months rolls around And it's probably like a bit of gristle that's orbiting my kneecap, I imagine. And at some point it'll cause real problems. Yeah. I don't think so it gets into a clicking area. I'm going to say right now, I don't think it's a bit of grisle.

I think there's a bit of cartilage going on around there. It's got like on some kind of formant cycle or other. Is it hurting when it clicks? Yeah. See, that's the, I've got just like, just noise, no feel. Just all noise, no feel. All audio. Your tour, isn't it?

Just noise, no feel. I mean, to be honest, it's a good showtime. I couldn't argue with it. I'm not, it's not heft in there. You're trying to have a laugh. I'm just trying to have a laugh, mate. I sort of don't really mean any of these things I'm saying up here, said, you know, none of them are true.

Don't mean any of it. It's all made up, bollocks. It's all right, though, in it? It's not about how you feel, is it? A show, is it? No, not really. There's enough feel elsewhere, isn't there? It is if you want to write a crap show.

It's kind of roll. Yeah. I want to watch a funny comedy show. Yeah. Oh, fucking, how you said, are you?

Jesus Christ, right enough, my knees are clicking. That's my only hardship. That's the problem. The only thing going wrong in my life, and I like it, is that my joints click sometimes.

Your review of Hamlet's in, isn't it? Oh, God, you want to me to throw it in something. Hamlet is not billed as a comedy show. If it was in the comedy section of the Edinburgh Fringe brochure, then I would say that.

But it's not. It's in the tragedy section of the Stryke's been a theater. The play section's grocery, yeah. Of George Four Acres' his CV. Yeah. I can't believe I've come on Dadpod and I've got the clickiest limbs.

I know. Yeah. Every single episode now starts just talking about what fungal foot infection if you got, are you going bald? Three varucas, next question. Three brucas? You've got three. Always got three on the goal. One on each foot.

No. Three on one foot. Really? Yeah, crazy, right? That's my own. I'm only allowed to swim with my left foot out of the pool. surrounding a circle yeah yeah yeah

your legs are clicking it got it up the whole time like a shark fin have you got a sock Vruke sock no oh I know I'm gonna you're just raw dog in it

and I tell you what I have got is I've got the equipment to solve it and I just haven't been using it and what is that equipment is there a syringe involved I don't know because I've not opened the box

I bought the box man I bought the box and I just know I just go off probably do something about that and I just go Nah shall we pause this and do an unboxing

First of all, we'll do the unsocking, so you can see what I'm talking about. Worst content, ever. But at least you feel anything while you're watching it. Once again, they don't hurt, they don't feel like anything. No, you know? They're just there. They're just there. I got the home kit.

Didn't work. What's it called? Bazooka. Bazooka. Bazooka that barruca. But bazooka is the... Oh, when you're, and again, when you're a bit younger, it made you want varucas. Did it?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think? I was so, I was so keen to jump in with you there Tomler. What? I just couldn't.

On your Christmas list every year. Is there a more exciting word when you're under 20 years old than bazooka? You also wanted a cold sore you could so you could swim in a crash helmet, didn't you? Bazzucca's a fucking great word, right? Bazooka is good, yes. It's fantastic word.

Do you think there's any chance? They did brand name first and then later realized it rhymed. Like, we're just like, oh my God. This is the best day of... Right, we'll go with Bazooka is a brilliant word. What are we going to do? Best do, Varuka.

Yeah. This is incredible. That episode of Mad Men, when he walked in and goes, have you noticed this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Toasted. You've toasted your Varouca. That's what I had to do.

So, first time I used the home kit, right? Yeah. Didn't work. Then I went to place in Crystal Palace where I was living at the time and had it frozen. Didn't work. Wow.

Because that's like last resort. No, no, last resort. Harley Street Clinic Lasered off. Lazy Street Clinic for 10 grand. Just live with the Varuka. You got Botox as well. Oh yeah, I know, I know.

Look, of course. But yeah, I had to go to a Harley Street... And the BBL. No one's looking at your feet when your ass looks like that. Exactly. That's it. So let's get practical solutions here. You don't need to get both done.

As long as you get a new ass. That's my dream. You're working on everything else. That's my... Yeah, everyone's just look at it. As soon as they go, have you got a varooca, you just quickly turn around. Turn your ars around.

I'd bazooka that arsoff. You need a sock for that. I'd bazooka that arsole. I'd bazzieca that arsole. It's toasted. It's toasted. What does Bongella do? Bonjella is for like cold sores or for like teething.

No, it's for an ulcers. Olses, that's what I was thinking of ulcers. That's right, not cold so sauce. That pisses me off. It tastes great. It tastes so nice. It just annoys me that it should like bazooka that baruka, Boncella should be for.

Balser that ulcer. Bulsar that ulcer. Also that ulcer. Boncella. The salmonella. Have you ever tried it? Boncella salmonella. And it's just cooked chicken.

Bonilla that salmela boys. This barbecue season, don't forget. It tastes amazing. Have you ever not, have you tried Boncella? I must have done, yeah, but I'm no memory of it. It tastes very nice. It's really tasty. It's like there's a sugary, syrupy quality to it.

Yeah. What I'm learning here is that you are people who get problems and solve them immediately. Yeah. Whereas I just sort of live with them forever and go, I'll be right, well? Yeah. If it's only, if it's only up to a sort of seven out of ten problem,

I don't deal with it at all. But see you cut up Veruca, man. And also, it tastes amazing. I've got to get my Veruca. I might try that one. The cat keeps looking at me. Yeah, yeah. Are you not worried it's going to give, you know,

your partner, Varucai, but from standing in the shower? It hasn't for the many years that I've dealt with these three varucas. Okay. Fair enough. At this point, at this point,

no, dealt with, lived with, coath with. How long have you had your three vericas? Probably too long.

It does feel a little. Yeah. They feel like a part of you now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hard not to live with your veroicas if you've got. That's very true. I can't,

I can't give them separate accommodation. Do you know where I got my, my one varuka? Swimming, the swimming pool. Edinburgh, 2009, sharing a flat with these two.

Ah. That's where I got my one. My first thing was going to say, Tom. Well, I don't know. I don't know. Broca guy. I've never had a buruka.

I don't think Tom's got a buruka. I don't think I've got a burruka. You've got a fungal nail infection famously. No, it's all cleared. Did it? You got the all clear? Yeah. In the fungal nail.

And I said I don't think it's a trauma nail from all the athletic things I used to do. We laughed and we got off the results came in. It's not a fungal infection. It's a trauma nail from being so athletic. Did you start to actually say those words? Oh, this would be from being athletic, I think. That's how doctors speak, isn't it? Have you got Trump's doctor?

Because it feels like, are you in the best shape of any human being he's ever seen? I've got his physique. So I might as well have it. I went to the doctor once when I was sort of 19 and it was because I was waking up with cramp in my leg every day. Oh. And I went to the doctor about it.

And then he sort of said, stand up and then we're sort of analyzing me. And he said, well, the thing is, you're really tall. And I was like, oh, he thinks I'm 11. Yeah. He thinks it's growing back. I'm not tall for a 19 year old at all. It's like, it's 5'11. It's like bang on middle of the road stuff.

Well, you're really tall. So it'll be about like a, yeah, he said it was like a growing thing. I should say, oh no. This is so awkward. He thinks I'm a tall teen. We didn't mention this. I'm Reese's doctor. Yeah, yeah.

Think about you. You're a giant of a man. You're a huge guy. What are you? Five ten, five eleven. Enormous. I've never seen you being your size. Did it turn out you're a sleep runner?

It must be that. Long distance sleep runner. Long distance sleep runner. It was just, it was in my, do you ever get this? When you, in my calves? Where it just like, it feels like they're going to burst. Were you drinking a lot of whiskey? Because that's when I, that's when I was me at 19, full madman.

Borgiallo, that salmonella boys. Get me an ice cube. I guess I am tall from my age, darn. How many cigars you smoke in a week? That's what we want to know. That's where you, when you, if you've been drinking whiskey, that's where I get my hangover. In the legs.

In the calves. What? Yeah, you're talking about. I'm so true. Honestly, I'm so true. No, honestly, it goes straight to my guards.

Many boo's your tea which part of the body of your face. Okay. Where's vodka? Vodka's in the head. Yeah. Vodka's never... Flaming Sambuca.

Straight to the dick. Oh, mostly anus based if it's on fire, yeah. Well, no, like, but Guinness goes to my... Like, Guinness, if you're hung over, you're going to be shitting yourself all day and then, so it goes straight to your ass.

Your guts, yeah. But whiskey is definitely in your calves. That isn't science, but that's certainly my really good experience. It's a science. I agree with that, though, the tired legs of the whiskey drinker. Totally. I think it's a wonderful movie from the 1960s.

Tom Courtney, wasn't it? You're not saying what the doctors would say. You're just saying what Hemingway would say. A wonderful novella. The tired legs of the whiskey drinker. But it's true. I definitely, I definitely, do you pour water down yourself, Tom? Okay, shh.

Now remember, water famously goes straight to his tits. Absolutely devowed. I put off teeth problems. Oh, okay. So what, you don't want filling, like when you need to go into... Yeah. Was it wine that went straight to your teeth? I just don't like, yeah.

I don't like to rush to a dentist. I'll be like, oh, weather this storm. Well, but that does happen a bit like your four-month cartilage issue. Yeah. I find that sometimes it's like, all right, I just won't chew on that side of the mouth for a week. And then it is gone. It does go away. And it migrates.

Yeah, I went about... I think I'm in about 10 years without seeing a dentist. Oh, God, yeah. Last time I went to the dentist, she said, when do you think the last time you were here was? Have a guess. And I said, five years? And she was like 12.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been once since I was 18, I think. This is not good, guys. Are you getting regular checkups? You have to. You don't have to. Harley Street.

I don't say you've got much nicer teeth than me. You do. You do. That's why I don't want to go. It takes ages. I'm going to file these puppies down again. Fucking hell. They just keep closing.

I'm very tall for my age, so my teeth look, especially, they don't look that longer, they're actually... He's long in the tooth. Very long. I've got the problem

that I'm going to have at some stage very soon is I've still got one of my baby teeth. You know, that one there. Oh, right. Sorry, that's a baby tooth. That's a baby tooth.

Yeah, we've discussed this. Nothing on that side, baby tooth there, right? So it's got no roots. There's nothing keeping it in, apart from the other two teeth. So it's hanging on. So it's just, it's squashed like a small man and a lift next to two big bounces.

Yeah, Crossby's life story. Absolutely. Those three teeth should be the logo for this podcast. Baby teeth is about to drop out. Yeah. Yeah. That's there. And it's hanging on basically because of these two teeth.

and the other day I got accidentally headbutted by my daughter and it pushed it out and I had to like push it back into place and I was like I thought it was going to just pop out but it's going to something's going to happen I'm going to bite into a Brazil nut

or something weak like that porridge and I'm going to lose a tooth and crucially the space is too small for the false tooth yeah too small for a false tooth but will the adult tooth come through No, there's nothing underneath it.

There's no root. There's nothing there. So you're going to have to just have a gap. I'm going to either have a gap or I'm going to have all the other teeth. But even too small for gold. You can't get a small gold tooth in there. No. It's got to be like, it's got to be like 0.7 millimeters.

Because you've got to drill in for there to be like a something to hold on. No, no, no, no. You haven't because you had one balanced there. Yeah. So just, I was just say, take that and then just balance something else in. Make it out of gold. Jerry Bakke. Yeah.

Just get a piece of rice or something. something and just get a piece of rice in there. You replace all of them with one piece of rice. He smiles. Could you just, yeah, once it falls out, Cotton, you just, couldn't you just glue it back in? Push it back in and put something on behind the teeth or something that. Yeah. I'm sure.

I'm sure. But currently, it's not falling out. And that's the thing I'm, because my, my dentist is very, like, that could come out. That could definitely come out. She's very eager to pull my teeth out. Yeah, I was going to say. I've had a few, I've had to be worrying it. Yeah.

That's why I don't go. They're sick dentists. Yeah. I was that guy in the playground. I was the guy who in junior school, or primary school, sorry, infant school, when if your tooth was wobbly and you didn't want to wait for it to come out, you'd come and see me and I would pull it out for them.

What are you? Fucking hell. You were a back street dentist. I was a playground. I had a reputation. In a sort of like muscle way. Like a sort of mafia. could make you with pliers

I was like he'll sort you out it was always with consent yeah but you owe me 4P for that refresher bar drink this whiskey yeah yeah I had two skills

good like running away once you drove out I had two skills at infant school it's too more than me getting people's teeth out and helping them when they got nosebleeds I was like a nose bleed guy as well

what are your methods nose bleed wise because I think this is like sort of hiccups and I'm coaching an egg everyone's got a fucking way to do it and it's always wrong

but this is you're Going back to the 80s, obviously, where, like, to pinch the bridge of the nose and lean forwards, that was fucking revolutionary. Yeah. Because people think lean backwards, but you're not supposed to lean backwards, but you're not supposed to lean back. You're not going to drown in your own blood. Do you know who invented that? Beauty. That was me.

The pinching and forwards. Pinching and forwards. Oh, I thought you meant drowning in your own blood. Oh, no. No, I invented. You know, he came up with that. That's after we've pulled all your teeth there. Choking on your own format.

I invented that. That's my gin hangover. I can believe that, yeah. Whiskey's in my legs, but gin. how did he make his billions he invented choking on your own vomit he's air to the choking on your vomit empire so weird

okay so your thing was lean forwards pinch the bridge of the nose lean forward don't be stuffing it with tissue paper can I ask you something surely word gets round that that's the method they don't need to come to you anymore I get coming to you to get the teeth out they'd sign an NDA

I'd be like I'll take care of your nose bleed but you tell no one about how this happens so that you could still have people come up to you and say, I've got a business to do this. What about wet flannel on the back of the neck? I obviously had a lot of nosebleeds as a child. You strike me as a nosebeat guy, yeah. The nosebleed kid, real nosebleed kid.

The nosebleed kid. I was the nosebleed kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone's mom had a different fucking way. Hang on, so cold flannel on the back of the neck. Everyone's mum. Everyone's mom comes in like, it pissed me off because I'd be at different sleepovers or houses after school.

The inevitable nosebleed arrives. You'd be angry at you. yourself really reached that. Some daft old woman coming out with a mad fucking... You're projecting it. Conkers on the stairs or so. You cross at yourself because you're weak and your nose bleeding again at a sleepover. Yeah, yeah.

You're lashing out at these lovely moms. Shammie leather. Huh? Shammie leather. Shammie leather. Wet it, wang it around. It would really cool you down. That's a different thing.

That's a cool you down. We know how to cool down, Tom. It's a cool down. Yeah. Air conditioning. Yeah, yeah. Just that I'll solve your nosebleed A bit of air conditioner gives you nosebleeds

That's true Thank you That's true Thank you So wise So profound Does it? Well it tries out

I'm in rumble I'm gonna sick Yeah I'm afraid You're dealing with Paxman Does it One follow-up question Immediately crumbles

Oh god The thing about you as you're very tall Am I Yeah Oh god I'm not a real dog Doctor. Ironically, instant nosebleed.

We could finish this episode by pulling out your tooth. No, thank you. I'd be doing my job. I was thinking this. You know, like, the finale is going to be. No, you worry. She goes out. Nose bleak.

Yeah. I think, if you were, you know, if you were pulling out teeth nowadays, it feels like you could be like the sort of Dr. Pimple Popper. You know, the sort of TikTok guy of somebody who extracts teeth. Because there must be people out there. Like, I can't stand those, those kind of videos. They're watching people who's getting there. ingrown hairs and all that kind of stuff pulled out.

But people must be, do you love them? Love them. Love Dr. Pimple Popper. One of TLC's finest program, second finest. Of course. Dr. Veruca. Vicar fix up, man. I've watched that. The ear one.

You know where they're just like cleaning out someone's ears and big globs of black wax are coming out? Really? You're into it? Fantastic. Yeah, it's great. Oh, gross. You know that one where they wiggle the penis

and they get the jizz out? Love that one. They wiggle the penis. Yeah, you got to upload your ideas. for that one, haven't you? What? What is happening? That's not on TLC, you need a VPN. Get a VPN, you can see that wiggle the penis to drain the jizz out. That was another, that was, that was another mum method to stop the nose bleed.

Hated it. I don't know I have to wiggle my friend's penis to stop this nose bleed. Again, come on. All right. Is that what you say, by the way? When you're being romantic, do us a favour, wiggle my penis. I know you're a bit tired, but wiggle my penis in the brain. Give us a wiggle with you.

Any chance of a penis wiggle. Well, just to go back for a second. It's all right, we don't have to. My mother-in-law... Oh, no. Has a tin on a on a mantelpiece of my wife's teeth. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

From when she was a child. They're still there. Yeah, it's real. Yeah, what relief, actually. Is that the equivalent of the sort of like this sewing kit biscuit tin situation the other way around it's like every nama has the biscuit tin that's actually a sewing kit

yours is you think there's going to be biscuits in its teeth it's real wounder it's the real wounder is to be halfway through the tin when you find out that's on mints they don't dip very well these ones my god so she's still got it on the mantelpiece

yes children's teeth in a jar on the mantelpiece are you going to keep your children's teeth I, you should let them keep yours. In fact, yeah, will you get money from the tooth fairy? Yeah, does it go up with the age? Surely, yeah.

We're sitting on a fortune. This is like Bitcoin. Yeah. I'm sitting on a fortune. I'm sitting on a gold mine here. I'm going, you know what? No, you know what? Because I'm actually, I love my kids.

On my deathbed, I'm going to say, pull out the tooth and pop it on your pillow. That's your inheritance. That's your inheritance there. Yeah. Yeah. Brutal when they realize. it was you the whole time.

Nothing too. Oh yeah. Two fairies dead. And sorry, he was a comedy writer. For television. Do you remember that? The nest is. There's no money.

That biscuit's in on the mantelpiece. I don't have any money in it. I've got a new solution for you, which is can you double gold your tooth? So that you kind of, the tough next to it, you make gold. And then you come across. So I'm taking, what, take,

oh you're taking the canine and that tooth out and then just like a big gold coin Either one big gold tooth or you just like Or you just coat them Yeah gold leaf them both Into your gold leaf I don't think that's how they're doing gold teeth What was that a drink that had

Gold slager Gold slager yeah That would kill you All right in my shoulder blade Surely the throat It's the thing that everyone said It cucks your throat up It cuts your throat

And so that's why you get drunk Yeah yeah yeah Yeah, you get drunk as quickly because it gets in the bloodstream. What a mad, what a mad rumour to be going round about. What a mad marketing technique for Gold Schlurber? Rub it on your eyes, so they'd say. What was the actual alcohol? Oh, I don't know.

Snaps or something, wasn't it? It was like... With just bits of gold leaf in it, basically. I thought it was vodka, yeah. Was it vodka? I don't know. Gold Slager. It was, it was rank anyway, but because it seemed classy.

Why didn't they do that with more metals? They should, every metal should have had its own vodka. Steel Schlager. So should give us some pewter shlager, please. Tinge. Tin. Come on. There we go.

Oh, that was the, the mule. Do you remember the Moscow mule that used to be? It was like a Smirnoff Ice, but it was in like a copper. It was like a copper covered bottle. And they said, this has been aged in a copper barrel. You're like, oh. It must be good. It's 80p and it's been aged in a copper barrel.

It must be amazing. But it's visceral what that is because everyone knows what 2P tastes like. Yes. So you immediately know exactly. It tastes like blood. It tastes like blood. You never know if it's a copper. You never know if it's cut your throat open because it already tastes like blood.

There was a two-week period in IAC's form where everyone was snorting vodka to get it straight to the bloodstream. There was definitely the eye from Kevin and Perry, eyeball pool. He would just down shots in his eye. In his eye. Recy fans would his character would do that. And then everyone did that at parties for ages. Just going to get it gets in there quicker. Straight in the eye.

It doesn't need to get in there quicker. No. The mouth is pretty quick. It is pretty quick, isn't it? Speed isn't the problem with shots. No. It's the amount. Yeah, that's it.

You need to slow down, actually. That's what you get in there slowly. Up the arse. Dick hole. And also, like, I'm 17 as well. Like, I'm getting pissed after the first drink anyway. Yeah, yeah. It's not like I need, it's not like I'm a hardened alcoholic where I'm like nothing's working anymore.

Exactly. I've still got some of my baby teeth for God's sake. just rub that bond crotch to my baby two. Absinth was that was kind of seen as like... It was banned, wasn't it? The last resort, the date... I don't know, obviously it still is.

The last resort was. But it was like... There was a real mythology going around around Absinth and like that you would hallucinate. We had a friend that would... We were in Wolverhampton at the time. We'd come down to London and he'd come back with a bottle of Absinth.

The parties. It's from France. Judy Free at St. Bankras. I drank, I drank Absinth once doing Marcel Leconz chat show in Edinburgh. Right. And he had a bar on stage. And I said, I've never had Absinth before. I can drink some Absinth.

I drank like three, you know, you're in front of an audience, three shots in front of the audience just to be like classic three shots structure. Classic three shot structure. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. So I drank that. I woke up the next morning. No real memory of anything.

So go straight to the brain. So I called Charlie. I called my wife Charlie. said, oh, I think I got a bit drunk last night, but I'm all right now. She's like, oh, yeah, I know. And I said, what do you mean? She said, well, you called me. I said, oh, yeah, well, what did I say? She said, well, you told me you were taking me to Barbados. So are we not going to Barbados then? Because you said, you said, I'm not drunk, but I am going to take you to Barbados after Edinburgh. Whoa.

So, yeah. I said, I don't know if you know how much Marsella Concho, chat show pays, but it's not Barbados money. Let's just say it was a bringer. Yeah. My word. There was a period at my school where ethanol would be brought out in science lesson. Oh yeah. And one mad bastard

and science lesson would be like, I'm gonna fucking drink it. And would be like doing a whip round for the bet of them drinking it. It'd be like, if everyone gives me a quid, I'll drink it. And that did happen. Just like when they came in to do a chlamydia test

at our school. Can we whip round? And effectively, climidia test, it's just a urine sample. Right. And a boy called Ryan at my school, everyone gave him a quid and he drank

no no no no he wanked into it instead ledge and handed that in but it wasn't verified no one knows he doesn't have a tin of it like you yeah he wiggled his willie until love he was really can I just say this guy is a genius

if you all pay me I'll go and have a wank what kind of business model is that the original lonely bear he was an original cam boy and then was it like the joker's like, oh, I've done my sample. And they'd be like, no, you're supposed to we. And it was like, oh.

It was just sort of like, you know, because you put it in an envelope and then hand it in. This didn't happen. This didn't happen at my school. No. We went to a different school. Did you go, I imagine you went to quite a nice school, but why are they testing you off a chlamydia?

That's how nice the school was. Oh, it was that level. We don't want to send you out there with potential chlamydia. Exactly. It was obviously quite embarrassing to have to do a chlamydia test knowing no one has come near touching me. Listen, I've not even had a wiggle here. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

God, wow. We put a condom on a banana. That was it. Not even in a lesson, just for the weekend. Yeah, yeah. Give you a quid and I'll do this. I'll put a condom on a banana. And for the green grosses forever.

See, yeah, that didn't happen in much, because that was obviously always what people said sex education was like, but sex education in my school was mostly just videos. Yeah. Not those kind of videos, just like a video. And there was always one kid who went, effectively had a nosebleed.

And it wasn't even me. The cartoon erection. I can still remember. The cartoon erection. Yeah. In PSC, they put on the video and it showed this cartoon erection.

Animated erections. And it was just like everyone lost their minds. It was the funniest thing we'd ever seen in that life. Did you? It's so funny that animated. I imagine the same way.

Yeah, literally just like from flaccid to turgid. Did you ever watch? Everyone was like, ooh! Yeah, pints in the air like England's called. Big a box box box box.

It was weird. It was weird to do it in Box Park, actually. Those aren't pine, those are our samples. Wait a second. There's one dodgy one. One guy stuck to the ceiling. One of his stuff. It was like, yeah, it was like, it was an extraordinary moment.

Yeah, I loved it. I don't think it was a cartoon, my video. Really? The teacher got a lot of frustration. Okay, class, give me ten minutes. It was like a man. It was like a man. Yeah, I had the man.

The man and the woman, but no erection. Like, no guys having an erection. Oh, right, fine, sorry. And actually, by the way, that is how I've done it for the rest of my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A man and a woman and no erection. Two naked people. You've still got your baby one, don't you?

I think we'll fall off one day. And it's just being held in by the balls. What was your sex? You could have to get a gold one. Sorry, sorry, we can move on. I think there's about eight more in this. I can't remember that much about it. I can't remember seeing a video or anything.

I think we just had a Frank talk. You know what I mean? What would it be so aggressive talk? Why would it be frank? It's just like, let's get to the point. Yeah, right. Who's shagging here? Right?

Who'd be fucking. Yeah, I think it was quite, it was quite early on. I can't remember the secondary school one. What? You had a primary school one? Yeah, we had a primary school one about like washing yourself. Yeah, actually, that's the one I'm thinking of the video of the man. I was in primary school.

I was sat on the cross-legged on the carpet. There you go. That was in primary school. Fuck, that's mental. Yeah. We were sort of a school. Yeah. There was no light coming in and it was underground.

That's not a school is. That's a school is. The school is. It was just me and a man. It wasn't, you know, it's quite a small class. Me of Dr Frank Talk Yeah, when I say man and woman I mean like those TikTok comedians

Who put a wig on Tea towel on his head Yeah, nagging him about Get an erection, hurry up Yeah, we had a video in primary school called some of your bits aren't nice That was what our video was called And it was about washing your pits

And your and your groin You know, to stop him from stinking, basically. I didn't pay much attention to do it It was just for you, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we show Matthew the first? Yeah, please. We cuss old stinky groin over there.

Some of your bit. It was tailor-made. Oh, stinky crotch baby tooth over there. Some of your bits ate nice as your editor for review as well. The staff at your school had made it especially. But wasn't there a guy at your school you could go and see who washed your pits for you? The pit master. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You fix their nose. In the corner of someone scrubbed their armpits and groin. Yeah. Yeah, I do think it's a textbook was obviously always. You know, the labelled diagram in the textbook. That's all you really need, isn't it? I'm still thinking about that when I'm doing it. The Osbourne book as well, which was two robots fucking.

And I know we always talk about robots fucking Tom was really enjoys it. But do you remember those Osbourne books that were like, it was like a robot with like a big springy cock and it would go, do you remember this? The only reason is Craig Charles was the host. You remember. A wuga. The only reason I know. Loads of men gathered round watching.

The reason is because it was on, like, it was for sale on eBay, and Charlie bought a copy recently to show to the kids. And I was like, I don't know if we could be showing up. Like a Terminator with a big dick. Well. It was like it was like a box on wheels with a cock hanging off of it. Honestly, there's going to be people listening to this. You'll be like, yeah, I remember that exactly.

A box on wheels. It was a box on wheels with a cock and a box on wheels that had just a big vagina. Keep talking. This is, I mean, yeah. Have you seen this boy? Yeah, that's what it was. Wow. No, thank you.

I was going to say that I think showing children a video called some of your bits are nice seems toxic. Yes, it does, doesn't it? Yeah. But the fucking X-rated robot wars seems even worse. Yeah. It's still a kill a lot entering Matilda. That's a muse club in.

flashing lights. Make nice of that, Tim Minchin. Just a dad and his son have made this sort of like metal man with a dildo on it. Social sympathy is taking the sun away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, it was, that's what it was.

It was a, it was a drawing. It wasn't like an actual robot. It was a drawing of a robot. Mercifully. But it was still pretty intense. But anyway, I've got a copy. I can lend you if you want. Yeah, okay.

Pass it right. Did you have a, anyone come in? obviously someone presumably came in and did a drug a drug thing oh yeah like the drug speech and when it was happening it was the height of rave culture because it was like the sort of early 90s for us so they would show

people in club you know that like scared like they're all dancing to like you know I don't know whatever it was like a happy end the ascienda type thing or a warehouse or whatever and they all be dancing and then the music would slow up and it would say now they're all dead

they took heart off a pill and now they're all dead. That was it. I mean, drugs as a conversation, like even my mum, it was implied if you even think about drugs, you will die on the spot. If you take one puff on a marijuana cigarette, that's it. You're gone. You'll drop out of school.

You'll think you can fly. It was always you'll think you can fly and you'll jump out off a building. It was like, I've never been up a building. What are you doing? How do I get up a building and drugs at the same day? To be the best day ever. That would be the best day ever if I just did one of those things. this is amazing.

Of course I can fly. That's what I'd feel like. But did you have, did you have the cyber bullying person come in and talk about that or the cyber bullying? No.

We're too old. Yeah. We're too old. No, it was like textbook bullying for us. Yeah, yeah. Old school physical bully. Yeah, hairs on the chest

sort of thing. Exactly. Two robots. Run and they'd bully each other. Yeah. What was the cyber bullying talk like? It was a video first and it was sort of like,

it was shown to, every year individually and it was sort of viral in the playground because of how lame it was. So there was a there was a thing that gets typed on MSN messenger in it where he's this guy sort of getting bullied and he just eventually replies is that you Kim? And I'd say that phrase was said more than any other. There was like a Spotify wrapped for things said in the playground. Yeah. Is that you Kim won every year because it was just like it was it was just obviously just not the way anyone

would actually speak but it was a 50 year old's idea of how a child speaks online. is that you Kim. So that just became a thing. What was he asking? Was it like he didn't know who he was talking? He was anonymously being bullied by someone and it. I think it was Kim Jong-un. So his inkling was good.

This guy was a clever guy. And was it Kim Jong-un. It was Kim Jong-un. He was getting cyber bullied, despite the lack of internet. In North Korea. That's why they're banned it. If anybody is going it, Kim Jong-un's got it. Only one.

That's why he was swaying you. Is that you, Kim? Is that you, Kim? Is that you, Kim? Is that you, Kim? That was huge. I bet people in my generation will recognise that. Is that you, Kim?

No, we're sort of more, is that you Kip? That was very much our generation. Yeah, no, no, we, that's why we're always, this is why we're, we're wide open to cyberbullying because we never had the talk. Honestly, we're... I can't believe the man with the creakest joints has made us feel old.

Yeah, exactly. Well, I'm actually really young. I'm just very creaky. for my age. Yeah, I'm just really tall and creaky for my age.

Tall, young and creaky. That's the good. Another great tour. Not a great tour. TLC, surely will commission that one. It's almost the acronym as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tall longer. Too long and creaky. What do you want to plug, race? That's what they said to the robot. I'd like to plug Matilda for

always yes. As soon as possible. Always yes. I'll be appearing in in sex education textbooks and videos going forward. You're the before puberty photo

aren't you? Really, I'm sort of before and after it's quite creepy to look at sometimes you can get stuck in the middle

that's what I represent but be careful if the wind changes while you're going through puberty you can look like this man I'm going on tour this show's called Chop Logic

on tour from September also at the Edinburgh for the last two weeks of Edinburgh Fantastic. Wonderful. Is that you Kim the show's called

actually I'm going to read it You've got to rewrite that. Thanks for coming on, buddy. Pleasure. Cheers, mate. There we go. Nothing wrong with that?

Yeah. Well, I wouldn't go that far. Okay. Something's wrong with that, I think we can say. It was enjoyable. Reese is clearly one of the best comedians working in the world today, so I go and see him on tour. Yeah, he's pretty amazing.

He'll be all over the UK and at the back end of the Edinburgh Festival. We would love your support on paper. Patreon.com 4 slash puppy's flat share for £4 pounds a month you get early and ad free episodes disc against the live shows and a bonus episode

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And God bless you all. God bless you, guys. It's another episode we're ending with a prayer. We were produced by producer Connor today. Oh, yeah. Cheers, everyone. Bye!

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