Pappy's Flatshare - Pappy's Flatshare Ep 1634 Rachel Galvo "Helen Mirren and the squirrel"

Episode Date: September 22, 2026

Why does Rachel love playing padel against pensioners? Is Kris Akabusi alive? What hot drink gives Rachel the ick? The brilliant Rachel Galvo pops into the flat to tell us what Clarky is really like as a director. Rachel Galvo https://www.instagram.com/rachelgalvo/?hl=en https://www.tiktok.com/@rachel_galvo?lang=en-GB Pappy's - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/ https://www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshare Support us on Patreon - www.patreon.com/pappysflatshare Find tickets to all our live shows here - https://pappyscomedy.com/live NEXT SHOW October 12th - Bedford Pub, Balham with guests Ania Magliano and Spencer Jones. It's our Halloween special and fancy dress is activelt encouraged! Our Christmas show will be at the Clapham Grand on December 8th, tickets go on sale in November. Mark the date, it’s gonna be our biggest show ever! Produced by Connor Hayles Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I was like, thank you if you now, tell me another time. Absolutely can't. You bothered to finish that one. We've got shit to do. Hello, everyone, I'm Tom. Sorry, guys. You join us, you join us just as Tom. He did a hard left on an anecdote

about Randy Newman's uncle. he was about to tell us. He was like, oh, a funny thing about about Randy Newman. His uncle, no,

I can't be able to tell you. And you know what? We feel the sense of having dodged a real bullet there. So there's a... We couldn't be bothered to hear it.

There's a real bother me in the air. Can't be bothered. You're not going to be hearing about Randy Newman's uncle today. Instead, you're going to be hearing from Ben and Matthew and our fantastic guest

here on Pappy's flat share, the amazing Rachel Galvo. What a joy. A real treat to have Galvan. though in the house. Absolutely. Really fantastic. She's brilliant.

She's out and about. She's out and about. She's out and about on the streets of walking. So try and catch her live because she is phenomenally funny. If you like what we do, as always, you can help your boys on their journey as they podcast to the grave by going to patreon.com forward slash pappies flat share. We've just installed a new tier where for 15 pounds a month, I will give you. Randy Newman's uncle's anecdote. So that's going to be behind the paywall for just £4 a month.

Is there any chance we could also not be behind the paywall? Any chance? Ben and I could be on the very far side of the other wall. Or the interview, Randy Newman's uncle, who is in front of my son to say. I'm going to tear that wall down. Anyway, yeah, Patreon for £4 a month, you get a bonus episode every week, you get early an ad-free, you get discounted tickets, and some other lovely surprises that we're going to be working on. Yeah.

So support us, love us, listen to us, please. And we'll see you on the other side of this with Rachel Galvo. Right, this is very exciting because it's very rare that we start an episode, basically mid-story. But you came in with a story about a squirrel. Well, yes, because we used to live in the same area. Wopping? Yeah, sure. I feel like it's very small.

And so if anyone were to go to the area, they would find me on the street. But that's fine. That's fine. You've said it. Um, we don't have time to go back. No. Well, we can, we can bleep it out if you'd like us to bleep it out.

No, of course not. Okay. In which case is, I'm not a massive celebrity, yes. Okay. We'll put, in which case we'll put, we'll put whopping in big letters.

Yeah. Yeah. I post-co date. E-1. Well, you were saying you lived there and you loved it because it's quiet. And also, it felt like the 80s because like it's,

that was when whopping was good. Yeah. And so like, it hasn't moved on since the 80s, guys. The name of the streets are after spices because it used to be, where all the spices, were stored in warehouses.

Scary spice. Scary spice. Ginger. Yeah. All the best ones. Very 90s actually. And then the newspapers moved in. So then it was where all the newspapers were.

So that's why it got very kind of yuppie, a very 80s. Harry Potter age or something. Like it's so cute. So our flat had a video phone and carpet going up the side of a corner bath. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly. I remember that.

Video phone and a carpeted bath. What? Inside. So you could rub yourself along the bottom and get yourself clean. It's hours to dry out, but worth it. What I mean is it didn't have a bath. We just hose ourselves down on the floor.

But yeah, so it felt very like faded glamour. And it's, it's sweet that there's where you were saying it feels like there's nobody there. Well, there's two famous people there, isn't there? Well, there's Graham. Are we like to say it? Yeah. There's Graham Norton and Helen Mirren. Yes.

Oh. I see her all the time. Really? All the time. They're about. They're just about. You've got to be cool with it. They're sort of the king and queen of wapping.

Yeah. Yeah. And everyone knows exactly. They love opposite each other in the most beautiful houses. But there's a big gate so it stops us from running. I'm always standing outside like, hello, Helen. It's me. Want anything for a waitress?

Of course she does. She always does. Of course. She always does. But basically, I, we too thought we were like, we want to move out of here because there's nobody around whopping. But then one day, I was telling you this because I was wondering if I could working into a show answer is no so I can tell it now interesting not that interesting I was walking to waitress um I was treating myself and uh this woman this old woman was like stop and there

was this dead squirrel no no no resting squirrel outside Helen Mirren's head's oh my god oh my god you have to help the squirrel I'm going to the dentist but you stay with him and I'll be back in a few hours that's not what yes and I was like oh she was she going to the dentist for herself or for the squirrel. For herself? Was she like, I think the squirrel needs interdental brushes. No, she wanted, she was like,

I think, because he's on the path, he's in danger. I think if you could possibly scoop him up with your hands and then he was in the fire. No, no, no. But she was dead serious. And I was like, okay, and she was like, you need to get help from someone. I'm going to add you to the whopping wildlife reserve group chat. 957 members.

No, there's not 957 people. I was so upset that I wasn't in it before. They're all just in there gossiping about you. And I, of course, sent in a message like, Hey, like a fucking crazy person. Like, hey, there's a squirrel here and we're worried about it. No reply, obviously, from 957 people. You wrote As the Squirrel?

What? Did you write As the Squirrel? Yeah, hey, it's me. Help, I'm outside Dame Helen Mirren's house. I'd like a snack. Was this lady Dame Helen Mirren? No, it wasn't. Unless she had no hair and makeup on.

But no, it wasn't. We don't know. We don't know. We don't know. We don't have always slammed up. Even when she's like trimming her hedges, she's always in a full gown and everything. Of course. Very glam.

glam. That's Hollywood. And I called like four or five wildlife reserve centers because I felt awful enough because I was like this, this is all this woman is living for. Do you know what I mean? Like this is going to make her month. Like this, she's waiting to tell people that. And even if, even if I left, if she saw me out and about because you know how small it is, like, I feel like she'd murder me with their own hands. Yeah. So I called all the wildlife reserves and I was like walking up and down the street because I just couldn't look at this dead squirrel. And she was like, I eventually got through to a woman. And she was like, maybe this girl's just stunned. Because all these humans are like standing in front.

If you just seen Helen Mirren. I loved you with the queen. And she was right. I went back and he had scrappered off. Oh. I know. It was just shocked because this woman's like, we need to have the squirrel.

So if we had found a punchline, maybe. Do you think you'd ring up the wildlife place and they'd be like, oh, the woman from number seven, she does that to show. Well, no. They were like, we're looking for. We're looking after too many squirrels. They were like you were inundated with squirrel problems.

Oh, really? Squirrel's in a bad way. We're a wildlife reserve centre. Like a squirrel is a park thing, isn't it? Oh, here we go. Do you not? Controversial. All right.

Let's get into it. Do you not think? Let's rank animals in order of importance. The age old debate. Well, are you a park, squirrel or a wildlife squirrel? If I took my kids to a, to a wildlife reserve center and they were like, oh, look, here's a squirrel and a pigeon, you'd be like, yeah, I can see that anywhere. Here's a duck. I think squirrels and pigeons are extremely different.

I would like to... I've always said that. It's a hot take. I feel like... I feel like you slightly straw man my argument, but okay, that wasn't what I was saying. I was saying these are... These are animals of the park.

You know, a squirrel is an animal of the park rather than of the wildlife reserve. You wouldn't go... But you still get excited when you see a squirrel, don't you? I love squirrel. A little bit. A little bit. Really?

Yeah, my favorite animal squirrels. I love them. And you look a little bit like a squirrel. Thank you so much. That makes it. In the best way, don't you? You're working on it. Thank you.

Thank you. Like a little... Never not glammed up. I think you're always ready. Always ready. I... The amount of prompts on hinge that boys have said I want to domesticate a squirrel. Really?

Domesticate a squirrel. How imagine... What do you think it was? I want to masturbate a squirrel? Come on. It's beastiality at 10 a.m. in the morning. I don't know what the tone of hinges? You're all...

Married, married. Yeah, we're all taken. We've never... We never done the app. Wait, why am I here then? This is your show reel. You know, I'm sure we have some single listeners.

We don't. We don't. I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm all right. This is a very nice coffee shop, by the way,

the one by the station. But I ordered a cappuccino and paid for it. And then I said, do you have chocolate powder? And she said, no. And I thought, what's the fucking point then?

I flipped the table. Someone else was ordering a cappuccino the other day. Doesn't that feel like a very old, is it come back? Capacinos. I'm a cappuccino guy. Have you always been a cappuccino? It's very whopping, isn't it?

It's very whopping. It's very 80s. It's like the first... Very good in Gecko. It's the first coffee that was not a cop... When people started going like, and we order a cappuccino. And everyone was like, fuck, what?

Yeah. It was like the... And then latte swaned. And then latte came in late and it was like, what's latte? Oh, it's like cappuccino, but we had the chocolate on? No, without less bubbles.

Less... Less... More milk. The only thing you had to go on was cappuccino. Yeah. So it was like, what is a latte? Oh, I didn't know that. We're classic. So it does feel retro, I think, to go back to cappuccina.

But don't serve cappuccinas if you don't have fucking chocolate powder. Yeah. That's just a latte with extra air. Why don't you just want you to have a hot chocolate though? Because I don't want a hot chocolate. I want to cappuccino with chocolate powder. A mocha? Hot chocolate, massive.

Is it? Hot chocolate? Me too, actually. I did a boy once that didn't like coffee, a full-grown man. And we used to go out and he used to get hot chocolate. And then they would say with marshmallows. Oh no. But also.

And then he wanted to get into this. You know what I mean? Yeah. You can't. You can't after that. He used to look all on his top list. He did. And he used to keep some mini marshmallows for later in his pocket.

Oh, gross. Pocket mellows. No, thank you. Just post coitally supping on a hot chocolate. Gross. Because also like you might, you know, it wouldn't be. Cigarette in the hot chocolate. In the nip, cockheads.

I went in that coffee shop, right? Oh, I? And I'd gone in, I'd ordered two cappuccinos. And then a lady came in afterwards. He cannot believe that people are still ordering cappuccines. I know. And I stood their way in. The lady came in afterwards, and she ordered an oat milk cappuccino.

What? They put my two on the counter, and she just immediately picked one up and sipped it. And went, that's not. milk. I was like, that's clearly not for me. It's clearly not for you. She went around all the other tables. That's not oat milk.

She talked about the dairy industry for now, didn't she? Do you know they keep cows artificially pregnant? Went to a breastfeeding mother. Well, that's not a hell. Relax. Did you say anything? Well, no, she. I just punched her.

She was then, because they were like, oh no, that's his. And then she looked to me and went, why didn't you say anything? She's got a real energy It's true, silence is violence, Clash. She's got an energy this later. No, I think that's appalling. Yeah. It really was.

What did you say? It's my style. I don't say much. I don't say much. I'm a man of you. I'm more of a listener. My facial expressions were off the chain, actually, but we just weren't looking.

I was double-taking, I was doing the eyes. I took a swig or something. I looked at it. I was doing a lot of sweating. I think I was stunned in silence. Bless, you were you upset? I can just imagine you're such a sweetie. I can imagine you be like,

oh, sorry, even though it wasn't your fault. Yeah, probably did a bit apologising. Can I ask, though, did you drink the coffee that she's already had a sip out of? No, because they redid, they then had to redo two coffees. I was waiting for a train. And did she ever apologise?

No. She's got an energy of this lady, hasn't she already does. That woman, Dame Helen Mirren. Dressed to the nines. She had a squirrel and a harness on her chest. Get a squirrel in a taser gun. When you walk past Mirren or Graham, as I call him,

do you, do you like nod? Do you say alone? No. Because I'm like, we're colleagues. Do you know what I mean? I'm not going to be on your couch in a few years. Like, you don't need to meet me in this way. Going to the gym, sweating.

Do you know what I mean? Because it makes me think of the, there was a time when Clark he ran past Jonathan Ross and greeted him like he knew him. Yeah. But at such pace. And it was just because he recognized him and was like, hey,

Jonathan. I know. We're like, we've not met. Yeah. We were all passing in a stairwell. And it was like the three of us. And he was coming down the other way.

And I was like, oh, hello. And he went, hello. I carried up walking. And you two were like, do you know Jonathan Ross? And I was like,

no. No, I just saw him. So that's the one time I chose to speak. Yeah. But he must get that all the time because if you're someone as famous as Jonathan Ross.

Yeah. Everybody knows who you are. Yeah. There's every chance he's met you before. Right. Yeah. He's not going, He meets so many people.

That's his job is meeting people. Yeah. So he's not going to remember everybody he's met. No, that's it. That's what I'm worried about when I get mega famous. Sure.

Is that, um, it's coming. It's coming. Is that I will always act as if I'm supposed to know the person. It's happened like once or twice in Dublin where they were like, eh? And I'm like,

hey! And I'm like, where do I know this person from? Yeah. But then they're like, I've watched a TikTok or something. Yes. And I'm like,

well, fuck off then. Jesus. Yeah. We've all watched a TikTok. We've all watched a TikTok, bitch. Not special. Buy a ticket or leave.

High-famous, do you want to be? Good question. I don't want to be like, I want to be able to go to the shop. But just below that. Do you know, I want to... I want to have all the money to make the boosiest best restaurant bookings, but never have to pay for the restaurant bookings. Do you know, those people...

Do you know when they're like, please, it's on us? And I was like, are you fucking joking me? These are millionaires. It's so weird that, isn't it? It's so weird, that isn't it? Why do rich people get more free? stuff. Because they're better than us.

That's why. Worth more. Worth more. No, I don't actually want to be famous. I would just, honestly, oh God, let's be honest. I would love to just be able to live my life being creative and not ever go back to a nine to five,

honestly. So that's wealth, that's wealth rather than fame. Yes. Well, yeah, comfortability. Middle class word. I never even heard it before.

Yes. Who do you think? Like, if you looked at another person, who would you think that's the career? That's the career I want. It's always a famous person. It's always a mirror, isn't it? It's either Mirren or Norton or the squirrel.

Well, this one's very famous, but I'd love to be like Ashingby. Oh yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. The writing, the acting, the comedy. And she is the nicest. I did a gig with her a few weeks ago. And I was like kind of, I'll stay away from her. And I was like bowing and curtseeing and stuff.

And she was like, come and have a drink with me. And she was like giving me hints and tips and tricks about the industry. No, she was the woman in the cafe with her. Yeah. We didn't say it, but that was Ashley. She's a bad heck, man. She's all performing up. When we were saying about that lady's got an energy,

that it was Ashley. It was what we said. I didn't even think she'd be an oat milk drinker. I know. She isn't, she just causes trouble. She went around and sipped everyone. She's just a hand grenade. That's the other thing they've started asking now.

Is it an allergy thing? If you order an oatmeal, they go, is it an allergy thing? And you have to go, no, I'm just a pen of the ass. It's like, that's, but, It makes it, it puts a job. I always say yes. Amphalactic.

Like, just make the fucking oat milk. Do you know what I mean? I hate when they say that. Is it an allergy thing? I guess. Why do you want to know? Yeah. Because they're like, listen,

we can't be 100% certain that we haven't to bash the little bit of real milk in it. I think that's kind of what they're saying. So we know what, you know, you know, like the machine is making lots of different coffees. What that means is it's not really oak milk. Yeah.

You can't tell the difference. A bit of both. Oh, they're just covering their asses in case it's a really bad allergy and you die. Yeah. And the little independent coffee shop goes under. Does that just mean they're not cleaning things, though? They can't. They can't clean something every time someone comes to order a coffee.

You must. No, they clean it. You've got to clean the old... With the steam. They get a little rag and they go, whoop, and that's it. And the rag has cleaned everything else. It's filthy. They use the rag to wipe their arces.

You don't know what I mean? Like, it's filthy. You can't use a new rag every time. Of course you can't. Global warming. One cafe, one rag. Global warming, that's fine. What's that character in that.

always turns everything depressing. Debbie Downer. Debbie Downer. But by the way, you know what? You really do live in the 80s because no one's used the phrase global warming in about 30 years. Climate change.

Sorry. Global warming is quite quite fond of global warming. That's the problem. People liked it. They were like, well, I want a hot holiday. I want a hot holiday. I wanted to be nice and warm. Yeah, but it's, you know.

Nothing has convinced me to recycle more than this summer in London. Jesus fucking Christ. Have you got yourself? fan. A lot of fans. There was someone this morning. Well, she's watched a TikTok, but if she's a fan enough to buy a ticket, I don't know. There was someone on, we were off the train

this morning and it was early. It was like seven o'clock. Some wasn't really up. And someone was really giving it. The sun wasn't up at seven o'clock. Well, like the sun wasn't in the sky. It wasn't in the middle of the sky, sure, sure. It wasn't hot. I just get up earlier than everyone. Like, it was actually pitch black. I was pretty much good. It was like four and three years. It was light. Correct. I was coming

For the pub last night. It was light, but the sun wasn't like fucking up there. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, I get it. And he was really giving it the fan. And it was like, I think you've just got into the vibe of the fan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think people are really into the vibe to the fans.

People are very performative on the TV. Right, here we go. So it was coming off. It was going on. Oh, I wanted to be like, dude. Yeah. The fuck, man. Yeah, give it a rest.

On the fan. Like at midday, fine, give it the full fucking bells and whistles. And then, And then a woman got off next to him. Does that call you it down, by the way? There's such an ick. The neck fan thing is. Like, we're all hoss.

Woman got off with a neck fan with two fucking fans blowing up at her chin. And I was like, it's seven o'clock in the morning. It's okay, everyone. Just chill out. Climbing the changes are real. They're trying to. Watch my YouTube videos.

Okay. But anyway, I just think people are abitted too much into the fans. I totally agree. But I have a fan, but it does piss off. Do you know what I mean? It's just blowing hot air. Does it do more than a very good handheld fan? No.

It's the same difference. If you have a magazine or something. Yeah. Totally. Like the wing of an eagle. Do you know what I mean? You've got a cap? That is good.

A menu. That does a lot, man. Spraying your sweat over all the other punters. Like one of those large A3 laminate menus. Yeah. Oh. With pictures of the food on the menu. A greasy spoon menu.

Yeah. A white clean greasyy spoon menu. Yeah. A English cafe in Spain. Oh, yeah, boy. They should just sell the menus. You just go around on the tube. I pay good money for that.

Yeah, absolutely. Some power behind them. They're better than those electric fans and they don't use electricity. Can I, this is, I know if this is like one of those slightly old wives taily type things, but I heard that actually the action of the arm is warming you up more than the fan is cooling you down.

I've also heard that. The expenditure of the energy of the arm. Hang on now. Can I just show you how I do it? Don't put your arm into it. I get there, I get there, ah, I'm just like really,

so I'm thrashing around all over those. I'll tell you why he's really cool me down there. Look at that. I think that's why you have to work out of the wrist. Look at the boom, boom, boom, boom. Look at that. Bomb boom, boom, boom. Also, surely it's got to be dependent

on the size of the... Oh, I want a domesticator squirrel with you. Parky, let's just take a moment for the pun, pump, pump, please. Stick that on hinge. The four of us. This could be us, Bum, boom,

bum, I don't even think it's a bum, bum, I think it's more of a, whoa. Quite the technique. But you're just getting a very small area there. Not with the, not if the menu's eight.

That's what I mean. He's like, if he's set up to an A2 menu. Let's go. But I actually think the earlier design of a fan. Very glamorous. Yeah.

Fans, fans are very nice. Yeah. I always buy one on holiday and they always go missing. I have many fans in my house and it's like where's Wally and you could play a game, where's the fan?

You know, it's, I think fans, pens, umbrellas. Hair ties. They're borrowed. Sunglasses. Keys. Wallets. Children. Everything is missing. Hope's dreams, etc.

They're all, you have them for a second. Pride. Money. Stun squirrels. Table income. Enjoy it when you've got to. Flat in whopping. Flat yet.

Carpeted bath. Fully carpeted bath. Foothed bath. These are fleeted bath. things. But yeah, I think, no, I've never, I've never had the hand fan. Because up at the Edinburgh Fringe, they have done it in many years, many years they've done whoever's sponsoring the award will also hand out hand fans, you know, so that every, so that performers on stage having a stinker, right, because the room is too hot and everyone's knackered. And so everybody

gets out literally a reminder of the award you're not going to win and waves it in front of your face. Oh, you know this, you know this award that you care more about than anything else in the world not getting this are you mate whoop, what, what, what. That's worse than a yawd. That's worse than a yawn. Like if someone's like this, they're just fucking, they're not bothered, they're stressed, they don't want to be there. What if someone's in that way? What if you've got Chris Akabusi in the audience?

And he's judging the awards. Pumping the fist above their head. Do you know Chris Akibuci is? Nope. Back to the 80s. Does he drink cappuccinos? I imagine he would have done actually, yeah. I imagine he would have. I think he's still with us.

He's still with a con of course. I believe Akabusi's still with a con of conify that please. We need to Because if he isn't Then obviously we'll put up a picture Of a black and white picture of him at the end And dedicate the whole episode Of course In fact,

You know what? I think we should be We should start doing that Even if you've not died Yeah, we can dedicate the episode Have you ever seen those posts And it's like employee of the month But they've done the artwork so bad

That it looks like they've passed away It's like a shrine Yeah Why have you lit lit tea lights around it? Yeah What's going on there? I'm like this 20 year old girl And all the comments are like so sad

So sorry Yeah Yeah yeah Yeah, also everyone really shocked when they see her behind the county. Like, she's back. Jesus Christ. She's haunted me. We found her.

Yeah, let's dedicate this episode to Chris Akibusi. Is he a football person? He was an athlete. He was a British sprinter. Yeah. Heardler? And then TV presenter and personal. Of course.

He's the kind of guy. Did he present record breakers? Record breakers, yeah. And like he went on to be a TV host. Were you all in the pub watching the football? last night me and Tom were yeah I will say for one

this episode will probably go out in like September so because obviously we've done this before we'll talk about we've

by the way our Halloween episode goes out in May we just we record them because we record them all so close together we'll often be like

hey the winter Olympics are happening and it's like bright sunshine outside of people are listening why are they all sweating oh grand

okay perfect that suits me because I haven't a fucking clue what happened. I don't know if I approve... But, you know, obviously the World Cup, which was a while ago now. That was months ago. We arrived to the pub and every single table.

Every single table in the pub was reserved. And we got there like... That gives me the heck. Yes, thank you. Just fucking wrap up. We got there an hour and a half before kickoff and it's like you can't sit anywhere. Because fucking Tony sent an emailing.

And life? Yeah, and life and just going to the pub with friends. Yeah. I was at a paddle lesson with a friend. We're you? Guys, guys, guys, midday sports lessons. It's just me and some other self-employed young friend and all these retired old men.

It's absolutely hilarious looking for either a sugar baby or something to invest in. They are so funny. And I obviously, you know me? Like, I don't know how to like speak to people with respect. So I was like, I was partnered with a... Who was maybe 75 on a good day. And I was like, good man yourself!

Because we were playing together and was like, Ida boy! And he didn't know. walk to do with this Irish girl. And I don't know if he thought I was flirting with him or what because he said he's going to come to a show. Yes. I was like, would you like to invest in my next show?

Would you like to buy all the tickets? I shouldn't use his name, but he lives on Chelsea Bridge. So we know. I shouldn't use his name, but I will give his address. Because I was like, do you live local? And he was like Chelsea Bridge. And I go, it's the cheapest lesson. So I go across the city.

I live east. But guys, it's so fun. I'm going to go back every single week. Are you enjoying paddle? Am I? Oh my. I've heard it's fantastic. It is.

creme of the crop sport because I like tennis because I'm aggressive, but on a paddle course, it's smaller so there's more chance of whacking the other person with the ball. Like it's really, and you can, it's more sociable. Like in tennis, you like this is more violent. Smashing the crap out of a 75 year old man. It's the best feeling if you get it in the crotch. It's the best feeling if you get them in the crutch rather than this.

Famously, I don't have much, I have a helmet there, do you know what I mean? So I don't really feel anything. but it is great like if you have some old geyser who's like this man yesterday honestly I was rallying with the coach and he was like

he's saying soft to love softer and I was like no fucking shit I can hear him I'm trying and it was my whole aim was to get him in the cross but I didn't but I'm going back next week so I think it's trying

yeah yeah does you have walls yeah it's safe it's you know the way you know the way people sleep with weighted blankets that's how I feel about paddle

because I feel like I can just let loose and be myself. Right. You can hit it basically anywhere when it's going to go. And I don't care for rules. So I'm just kind of... Bat, bat, bat, but everywhere. Poor. He fucking loved it.

I bet it's been a long time since a woman's told him what to do. I was like, you go up there now, you good boy, good man yourself. You didn't like it. Why have you become a 75 year old man when you shout that? I just become a different person when I get aggressive. I need to probably go back to therapy for it. Yeah, I think so.

Maybe I don't know. How does your therapy? I get very aggressive. Like, I did, like, in Gagan Brighton the other day. And there was this woman who was dying at my rock climber bit at Ben edits, my shows with me. So that's why I keep looking to him when I'm like, have I told them that? Poor Ben.

I like, you call it edits rather than direct. It's like, direct. Take that bit out. Take that out. I grew up in musical theater, so I see directing us like this, that. But directs is correct. Yes. And he's like, you need to sit up for that.

You need to go there. Poor Ben. Like, we're sitting in a coffee shop. I'm like, should I say penetrate before after flaps? And he's like Um Anyway Cabuccino please

Cabuccino please You could have a Capitino I was doing the rock climber a bit And this woman was fucking dying But silently And just like And I was like

Are you finding this funny Are you resonating? She was like yeah And I was like then fucking laugh I live bitch Because like I need There wasn't anyone else laughing So I need one person

You know what I mean So your habit is taking A person Who likes your stuff And calling them the B word. I have a lot to learn. Yeah.

But she came up to me. I described like going through a breakup and waking up from a coma because you're like, what the fuck was like? Like I didn't do anything that I was my girlfriend's not my real self.

And she came up to me after the show and she was like, I've just come out of a 20 year coma. She meant to break up. But honestly, I thought she's going to sleep. That's why she can't laugh out live. She's still alive.

You look incredible. I assumed your limbs to be all atrophied. Guys, she had a glow, a tans. She had muscle. And I was like, you're walking and speaking in full sentences.

I was honestly, and it took her friend to be like, she means a breakup, like a divorce. Repetting the thing you said like 10 minutes ago. Oh God, it was so good. It was so good. That's this. Full stop. Well, if you were in a coma, I think about this,

what would be the piece of, you know, they would say they played a piece of music and they woke up. What would be your piece of music? If you were like, if you would like, if they're thinking, we've got to do something to get this person out of the coma. Personally, Chumbabwamba. Absolutely. You get knocked down.

I want it because you'd been hit by a car. It's like, don't rub it in. I get that down. I did get up again. He was drunk and got hit by a car. So it's quite tasteless, actually. It needs to be playing that to it. Yeah, I get up to turn it off.

That's why. I think for me, it has to be something that goes back to, it's like a very early, yeah. Like the thing that leaps into my head is there was a cartoon called the Muskerhounds. And it was. Dogtagnian. It was musket hush. tears but dogs. So yeah, instead of D'Artagnan, it was Dog Tanyan.

And then for the others, did they give them dog names or? No, I think it was an idea that literally started with someone going, Dog Tanyan. And someone going, no, it's D'Artagnan and someone going, oh, that's good idea for a cartoon. Like, I think that's where it began and ended. No, they weren't, other ones weren't called dogs. But the theme tune for that was like,

One for all and one for one, muscar hounds are always ready. One for all and one for all. Come on everybody. One for one Do you're going to Do you're I'm still here

Hold on They don't cross your arms What year is this? Two things about Tom waking up for a coma Yeah They're not going to cross your arms Do you have pennies on your eyes as well? What's going on?

And then Tom Wakes up with a snore as well from a coma Yeah Like it's just a really deep sleep Just a good kid I've got to go and see Rachel Galway do stand up. It's 7 a.m.

The sun's not yet up. Is Rachel Galvo performing? That's what people say when they get our comas. I've just woken up from a coma. It's bad directing. Slash editing. It's been editing.

Slash choreagraph. I've got some edits for this. I'll take that much. So what would yours be? And mine would be Hishi-Bashi Antichrist. Oh, I don't know what that is. Who are you? Who am I to you?

I am the Antichrist. to you, because I'm an Antichrist. And that was a song. What have you got to get to start on Lord Jesus Christ? Full orchestra. It was the song I played on repeat when I first moved to London and I had no friends. And so not much has changed. The worst thing got a squirrel now, though.

The worst thing was Rachel drove one of those rickshores. Yeah. So that music, she was playing it all the way around. So I had me anti-crime. I'm getting any customers here. Pop on pit, honey-gub like everyone. else. I have the antichrist.

It's a beautiful zon. It sounds nice, especially when you perform a beautiful voice. Is it a risky choice when they might be doing a battle for your soul? Do you know what I mean? Maybe Lemon by Drake and Rihanna. Yeah.

I just realized. I get it how I'll get it. Yeah, that's safe. I get it. I get it. Motherfucking. Oh! Like something that's like, let's fucking go.

Whoa. You're getting it. Maybe just. Yeah. My paddle partner. Just put a paddle. I'm just, sort of hobbers his crotch around. Yeah.

You just wake of a whack him in the crotch. There's a free court in an hour. Will you pay? Will you pay? It's not wearing a cup. You just know it's unmarked territory, ready to go. Oh, Jesus. Did you get a breeze off the paddle?

You know when you're whacking the paddle around? Are you getting a... There's holes in it. There's holes in it. But is that not good as well? Like to kind of... No. Extra air rushing through.

It's like foamy and there's holes in it. Okay. That's not good. Because that would really kill two birds with one sturd or one squirrel. I actually, when you went to that, I meant straight to like, imagining, blundering a bird with a paddleback. I need help. Yeah. You've got a lot of, yeah, you've got a lot of demons going on.

Haven't I? Yeah. Because, well, we know, famously you're the anti-Christ. We know you're the Antichrist. Well, I did another podcast on Tuesday. I have so many opinions that people want to hear. Yeah. No, we have exclusive.

Yeah. We won't accept that. I'm afraid. I'm afraid we're going to have to put this. out in November. Just to give him a bit of stress. One of the hosts was like, you're really scary.

Because I was like, why do no man approach me? And he was like, you're fucking terrified. Yeah, you were a scary person. Yeah, I'm sorry. But Ben will know I'm deeply self-conscious.

Yeah, of course. Oh, we, hey, we all are. Yeah. You know, I thought I was a looking warflower. Also quite scary. Also quite scary. You're like making a big movie, be like, was that okay?

But do you think they hate me? Is the hands all the way up a bit too much? I know what should be doing? Wait, was that embarrassing? What's her? Just tell me. Okay, nobody, right? If it's such a cool mustache, what does no one else happen?

Yeah. Why is nobody else rocking this tash? It's French. Um, yeah. But yeah, you are a scary person. You're a very nice person. But yeah, there's a scariness there. I don't think you're that nice.

Just make up your mind. Don't be a pussy. Do you know what I mean? Just say it how it is. I wouldn't say nice. Scary. Scary. I'm trying to.

think of scary women who I look up to my mother of course. My grandmother, Catherine Ryan is quite scary. Yes, yeah, yeah. So maybe it's good to be scary. Maybe it's just my persona. Yeah. She's saying. I think it's good to be a scary woman.

Thank you. It just means I'll die alone, but that's fine. Who goes? I'm actually going on a hinge date tonight. Are you? Yeah. Squirrel boy? Not a squirrel boy.

He is really good looking, but he's really sad about the England match. Oh, sorry, sorry. It doesn't matter. That's okay. It's okay. They'll still have lost in, you know, a few months' time. But we will have lost again. Anyway, so I don't know if I'm willing to.

Also, I was like, I have a show in Soho at this time. And he was like, well, I'm out here. So can we meet? And then he suggests a place near him. No. No, thank you. It's very distant at the very least. And also, you're in Soho, Party Central.

You're in, you're where you want to go to on a date, right? I know. No, thank you. And where's, where's him? Kill him. Like, where's... He works in Canary Wharf. Oh, no.

No. Don't go to a fucking slug and lettuce with the other guys in blue shirts. Although, something on Canary Wharf after. But he lives in Finsbury Park and he was like, can you come out towards like Finsbury Park? I was like, but I'm in,

you finish work at six. Just fucking take your little corporate ass and bring it into Soho. Yeah, totally. Canary Wharf, have you seen the new swimming pool there? No. No. Is it nice? Is it nice?

I saw it on Gogglebox. It's like... Not. I saw it. It's like a, wait, it was really funny. There's this American guy doing a TV show and he's exploring all the like major cities of the world and he came to London. He went to Canary Wharf. Isn't that awful? Canary fucking war. You've got a piece of history, haven't you? Because it's wild swimming. And I was like, is this the River Thames? Is there the River Thames? Yeah. But, but there's like seaweed and stuff at the bottom. And it's pretty clean. Yeah. Anyway, I think I'll have a go. Don't go in the Thames. A frozen margarita from slug and lettis and I'm like swim and there are in Tens. Best day ever. Haven't they cleaned it up so that it could, so the wild swimming can happen there?

The Thames is a lot better than it used to be. Certainly. I don't know if I'd want to swim in it. I don't think. You're supposed to just drink a can of Coke afterwards and your grand? Is it? Yeah. Fuck off.

Honest. Yeah. What's a fat Coke? Bad stuff. Oh God. Well, that's where you lose me. It's got to be Diet Coke. It doesn't matter.

I don't think. You just drink a can of candy. It just clears you out. It kills anything. That's not true. I think it is. I think you mean bleach or something. No, but they have that as well with like,

you can clean a toilet with a kind of coke. If you're a wild swimmer, you get out. You can cook a ham and a can of coat. There's loads of things. You can do anything with a can of coat. Coke is nice to it. Let's pitch a TV show where we do everything with a can of Coke. I heard a great expression for Diet Coke,

which I'd never heard before. Someone called it a fridge cigarette the other day. I'd never heard it. I thought it was so good. I'm just going to go on a fridge cigarette. It's like, yeah. It's like after a long day if you don't smoke. I like, yeah.

crack it up and crushed ice, bit of lime, a straw. I love a diet Coke. I love a diet Coke. And I'm always imagining there is a sexy man washing my windows as I'm drinking it. Yeah, that's before your time, isn't it? The 1130 Diet Coke break. Is it like an office break? It was a big advert.

It was a big advert in the 90s where all of these women who worked in an office would be like, it's 1130, Diet Coke break, Diet Coke break. Oh, I love that. And then they would all go and watch a guy, a sexy guy, washing the windows of the office. take his top off, drink a Diet Coke and they all be like, yeah. I love those ads. Oh, did he?

I thought they were drinking Diet Coke. I think they were drinking Diet Coke. Oh, why not? Why not? Well, he's just been wild swimming. I think you're right, actually. I think the women are drinking Diet Coke. And the sexy guy is just rubbing himself down. Women in advertisements.

Have you ever seen the Malteseer advertisement? And it's just women talking about it and men like, oh. And then they pop a ball and they're going to make me a fucking break. It's so naughty. We're being so naughty. We're eating this much. And we're at our office job, but we're not going to do any work. It's like they're capable young women.

Do you know what I mean? Why didn't they eat Maltis while doing some sort of graph or charred? It should be like an episode of industry but they happen to be eating Maltisers at the same time. Exactly. Doing a line of old Malteseers and having a heart attack in the toilet.

That's what it should be like. Just coming out from eating with a whole Maltese stuck in their nostrils. Oh dear. That's up there with having a hot chocolate. If you're snorting Maltes, it's an ick for me. I'm sorry. You can have crushed Maltes on some plate.

some places on hot chocolates. It's just so bad. Like a flake, sprinkles, everything, give it a rest. You know what I mean? It's a bit like having like a, it's like,

and I like I like an ice cream, but it's a bit like saying, oh, every time you have a coffee, I'll have an ice cream. Yeah. It seems mad. Look after your heart. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, exactly. I object to the phrase full fat Coke. Oh, do you? Yeah, you're like it's Coke. It's Coke. It's Coke. And I haven't moved. That's the default.

Like, it was Coke. I like Coke. I still drink Coke. I haven't moved. you've got Diet Coke that's fine, that's yours Don't fucking shame in me now You know, a full fat coat you want

And it's like The high attack's bracket But that's fucking Coke That's more rare now than a Diet Coke We're a Coke zero Yeah, I know Like they're always the ones left in the fridge And then people look at you

Like you're fucking smoking a cigar In front of them or something How do you feel about the phrase there Because this is also In the coffee shop Normal milk Because that's the other thing you hear right Do you want normal milk?

When I was at Brist I used to say cow cow milk yeah Yeah. Cow. Yeah. And be judgmental. You've watched a TikTok cow. Yeah.

Is that what you say? Of course I'm being fucking judgmental. I'm making them a coffee. You know what I mean? Like I'm allowed to be judgmental. I'm scraping by here. How would you say oat? Out.

Oat? Out? No, I wouldn't question Oat because I'm like, yeah, fair. Right. Okay. But I probably cut this out, but I drink cow's milk. Not only we're not cutting that out. We're clipping it up.

That's going to be the only real. It's so embarrassing. Please collab. But honestly, good for bone density, hey? Yeah. Good for protein. Absolutely. 12 grams of protein.

You're not going to have any osteoporosis in later life. No. That's why when you walked in, I thought. Did you think nice big bone girl. Lovely bones. She's got, I love the bones of you. Yeah. Yeah.

Clearly never. I said like, you're going to murder me. I love those bones will look great under my lawn. Yeah. So self-conscious, though. I'm full fat milk as well. Yeah, I am now. And I get it before seven.

I get it before seven. I chin four points of full fat milk. Fucking staring out. That's another ex. Someone that's, yeah. He's making a big deal of it. What I wonder about full fat milk is

is it curdling in your stomach in the heat? Lovely. Okay. Mix it up with the full fat coat. A nice goat cheese kind of consistency. It's fabulous. Tom is mainly feta. I love feta.

I love feta. Oh, I love feta. Cupid crumbullet. Cupid into some scrambled egg. Love that. Oh, feta. You're not a fan of feta.

Are you full fat co? I'm not a fan of feta, no. No? No, no. You haven't got developed taste buds. I mean, Hulumi is a fucking chicken nugget. Like, that tastes like nothing. Hulumi's great.

The consistency of it, though. The squeaky, the squeaky nature of it. Yeah, I don't. You're lacking stimulation in other parts of your life if you need your cheese to be squishy. Which is mad because he's drinking, he's drinking Coke. I didn't say full fat Coke. Thank you. Thank you for that.

I respect your choices. Thank you. He's having Coke. And did you ever do Coke and milk? No. Because that's disgusting. What? And did you, were you the child who drank milk by the glass?

By the glass. Yeah. Yeah. So you also had like those glasses where the sticker was a, over one eye to help their correct to lazy eye. Yeah. I saw a kid like that the other day. It felt so whopping.

It felt so 80s. It's like seeing a kid with a lazy eye. I love it. I want to high five of you just didn't know who my hand was. That's what I, that's the correlation's quite strong there, isn't it?

Kids who drink full glasses of milk and who have a lazy eye. I'm not going to attack children actually. No, I don't think you should come for the, do you just old. Just old men with a paddleboard. He's fine. He's made his millions.

You know what I mean? He's living on Chelsea Bridge. He's fine. He's the troll of Chelsea Bridge. It's Mirren. It's Norton. It's Parry. Yes.

The whopping triangle. The three full fat milk drinkers, yeah. The other thing that I didn't drink milk and Coke together, but my friend Mark used to drink what he called Thames Water, which was orange juice. Water from the Thames. Water from the Thames. He's dead now. He's dead now. Orange juice and Coke.

And it was like, it goes brown, brownie grey, very, very sweet, obviously. But orange juice and coke, half and half. He drink it in the pub. And he loved it. He loved it. And you think like that, you can say, I think they drink it in Spain and people will agree with it. Milk and Coke, orange juice and Coke, red wine and Coke. Red wine and milk.

Anything like that. Are they drink it in Spain? Yeah. Have a pig wine. Argentina. Espresso in orange juice is a trend right now. Is it? 100%.

You replace the milk with orange juice and it's like espresso tonicky thing. A coffee, an Americano. It's like to buy chocolate was four years ago. It's like that kind of thing. Dubai chocolate was only recent. No, it was used. No, it was Asian. Anything with Dubai, I've lost interest.

I'm sorry. Yeah. Fair play. Fair play. This man messages me every day. Day 300 of asking for a show on Dubai. And I'm like, if you pay for it, I will, to be honest. Oh, sure.

You take the money. Habibi, I will come out there. I'll take the money. Would you be one of those influencers like our dear friend Tiki-toki going over there and going, it's actually got a nice place? No. No, no, no. I wouldn't.

What if the money was right? Well, I got offered two massive things in the last two weeks that I turned down for moral reasons. There we go. Whoa. You don't mean to say what they are? We'll put it in the show notes. One was a sort of a gambling thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And one was a sexy thing. Oh. And, well, no, I'm into sexy things, but it was like not something I totally agree with. Anyway, and these things could have paid my rent, but I said no. Hey. Isn't that? I'm not a better person than everyone else. What a principal person you are.

I know. So don't ever fucking call me scary again. You'd be an even better in the other podcast anyway. I think you'd be an even better person if you stopped going around telling everyone about it. Oh.

Tom couldn't even back it up. He couldn't even back it up. He couldn't even back it up. He got scared. And fair play. He got scared. He couldn't commit. He couldn't commit.

Oh. You're right, you're right. I haven't said it out lied and then it's just been pent up inside of me and I'm like, oh, I need to have a podcast. Save it for a podcast. You've released it. Pop it at a click wheel.

That's hilarious. That is absolutely hilarious. We're not going to edit that bit out. No, please do. Actually, please edit all that bit out. No. I'm so sorry. No, no, I think that that bit stays in.

Rachel, it's been a pleasure having you on the podcast. Thank you for having you. Thank you. What a delight. Do you want to plug anything? Um, okay. Do it. Did you have to check me?

I've got permission. I've got to check with my. my director first. Wait, is this... Is he your director? Are you in a cult? What's going on? I'm just got to check.

I'm being branded next week. May I speak? I'm going to the fringe with a work in progress for one week at Monkey Barrow for the first week. And then, thank you so much. And then when I come back, I have a work in progress

that always be comedy at the end of all this. And then you're playing the Read Comedy Festival. Yeah. I'm kind of doing All the Middle East, I'm doing a tour of the Middle East around there. The money's right, the money's right.

The money's right. The money's right. Hey? What can I say? Well, have a good time in Edinburgh. Thank you so much. Will you guys be there? No. No. Okay. Harry will be. Yeah, well, I don't care about that.

You just offended me. No, that's not happening. I will actively avoid you. Unless you want to play paddle. I would actually. Yeah. Oh, boy, oh boy, has he got a nut sack on him. That's what I mean.

Yeah. He has got a nut sack. That's what I mean. He's 50% sacked. Honestly, it's like the good giblimp. It really is. You could hit that. No, I definitely will put time aside for battle if you want.

Extra Guard racket. Sorry, Tom. Thanks for having me, guys. What a pleasure. What a joy. Good old Galvo. Wasn't she fantastic? And by the way, Tom was just about to tell us a story about Warren Zivon's aunt.

So thanks very much for coming back because we dodged yet another bullet. Tom really has. Can you direct an edit? it my anecdotes, please. Somewhere that you do. What's the main note you give Galvo? I often said there's one particular note, but maybe shout less. Wow, no, shout war.

Always shout war. She's fantastic. Dial up the aggression, if anything. Be scarier. Yes. So check her out online, check her out in real life. And thank you for listening. Can I just ask, can we go back to check her out in real life?

What do you mean by that? See her. I'll see her a comedy. Oh, yes. Absolutely. And also, check out Wapink. It's a lovely part of London. Oh, absolutely.

And don't forget to check out, of course, Graham Norton and Dame Helen Mirren. Oh, we can't finish it. Today's episode was produced by producer. I'll tell you what, you can't buy chemistry like that, can you? That is the chemistry of people who've been working together for 25 years. It's just so slick.

We just bounce off each other into the distance. into other rooms. Today's episode was produced by producer Connor. Oh, yay! Cheers everybody. Bye! Bye! So the thing is, he was a composer.

His uncle was a composer. You're kidding me, is that true? And he became a composer. It's such a good story. Yeah. And he'd won an Oscar. Yeah. So that's where Randy even thought

about becoming a film composer for his uncle. Ah, all right. Sort of following on the lineage. Yeah. So when he was nominated for an Oscar, it wasn't that big a deal because his uncle had already won nine. Right.

but then he got nominated, then when he finally won, he said what really got him emotionally was everyone was giving him a round of applause, but the orchestra pit gave him a standing ovation. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. He said, that's when he got emotional. And I like that.

That's nice, yeah. It's hard to get a standing ovation from an orchestra pit because they're in a pit. I mean, the fact they're standing up is almost impossible to ascertain. And also, nobody else can see the orchestra pit. Randy, I think he probably's made it up, yeah.

Yeah, a lot of performers say, well, actually, what I didn't get, I didn't actually get anything from the crowd, but the orchestra were loving it. Were they? The backstage crew, oh, they were all up on their feet.

What do you actually means is the bassoonist was quite tall. Yeah, okay. Anyway, bye everyone. Bye.