Pappy's Flatshare - Pappy's Flatshare Slamdown ep 1609: Matt Forde & Amy Mason

Episode Date: March 31, 2026

This month we're joined by the amazing Matt Forde & Amy Mason. Pappy's Flatshare Slamdown is a silly panel show, recorded in front of a live audience and hosted by Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry-Wicks. Matt Forde - https://www.instagram.com/mattfordecomedy/ Amy Mason - https://www.instagram.com/amymasoncomedy/ Pappy's - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy https://www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshare Support us on Patreon - patreon.com/pappysflatshare Find tickets to all our live shows here - https://pappyscomedy.com/live NEXT LIVE SHOWS: MONDAY APRIL 6TH: TOUSSAINT DOUGLASS & CHRIS CANTRILL At The Phoenix, Cavendish Square, London, UK Filmed and recorded by Olivia Swash, Gwyn Rhys Davies and Max Brill Edited by Olivia Swash Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When West Jet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to Westjetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. Greetings, listener dear. I'm Tom. And I am Matthew and welcome to a very exciting episode of Pappies.

Flat shares. Say it with me guys. Flam down. That's right. It's a flagship episode where we get a bunch of fucking people into a room and do a great big show for them. Why you put it on episode on getting the people. Come on, man. We get them down here.

Ever heard of an audience? We've fucking got one. We fucking get them, boys. We're not going through the streets of like Oxford Circus like with a butterfly net. Well, you're not. Oh, is that how we get a crowd? Yeah, that's right. Why do you think they're so miserable?

They seemed very willing when they arrived. But I think if they were miserable when they came in, they were cheered up when they saw Amy Mason and Matt Ford to absolutely superb comics. This was such a fun show. We had a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun. It's here, of course, in London's Glittering West End at the Phoenix.

We have a great time. Come along to a Phoenix show. Come on, witness it yourself. Come along. They're always fun. Get in the butterfly net for God's sake. You've got two opportunities to do that. When?

Yes, I'll tell you now. 27th of April, 28th of April. That's a Monday and a Tuesday. You don't need us to tell you that's back to back to back. Those days be consecutive, you know. They surely do. And on the Monday, we have Stuart Laws and another guest who is soon to be confirmed. And we also have on the Tuesday, Christopher Hall and Sharon Juan Johe.

So come along and see those folks. All fantastic, all brilliant. Yes. But crucially, you'll be seeing your boys. Your boys. And by the way, if you do want to support your boys on their journey as they podcast to the grave, then get along to patron.com at forward slash papy's flat share wear for just four pounds a month the price of a stiff coffee you can support us and all we do you can pay for these lights these mics and the stiff boys three stiff boys three sick yes absolutely it's not that kind of patron actually you're not getting you know we're not doing feet picks any of that kind of cape but unless the price is right we can be talked around to it yeah absolutely definitely can we have got very stiff feet

We're incredibly stiff joints, but we're old men, guys. Our feet are already in the grave like Victor Meldry. We should also say pappiescom. forward slash live if you want any live tickets. That's where you can go. You can get tickets for the nights individually or get one discounted ticket that gets you in to both shows. And if you remember the Patreon, you get discounted tickets.

The other thing you get from the Patreon is you get the episodes early in ad-free, and there is currently a seven-day free trial. so you can try before you buy. In fact, if you go and get the seven-day free trial at the right time, you can get the promo codes and get the cheap tickets and then just leave. There's a loophole. There's a loophole. I've just thought about it, guys.

It's a problem. It's a problem. That's an issue. We are going to have to start selling feet picks. But most of all, most of all, you get the warm glow of knowing your support and your boys on their journey. And that is honestly irreplaceable. It's an irreplaceable feeling.

Right. Get into this app. Let's stop messing around. Let's stop messing around. Matt Ford, Amy Mason, two fantastic comics. They were here for a flat share slam down. Enjoy it. Tom Ben! What is it, Matthew?

What is it, mini-me? So, listen, someone, someone has got to shoo away that annoying, furry thing. And I don't mean me. I'm talking about the ginger creature who loaves around the garden, eating out of the bins. And I don't mean Ben. I mean, the thing that rubs its glands over everything

Wales during sex and I don't mean Tom one of you two has got to sort out that fox. Oh no it's not going to be me back you. No why is it not going to be you? I just can't believe it with foxes and pissed off man everyone loves foxes oh fantastic Mr Fox or the main one from Zootopia oh the Robin Hood Fox

no man I mean you know when I have loud sex in the street everyone calls the police I have a great time watching it the job. What about you, Tom? It's not going to be any, Matthew. A few years ago, I had a terrible experience. I was trying to buy a house with a London-based estate agent. That I shan't name.

But to cut a long story short, they sold the house to a family of foxes. Curse you, Winkworth! Well, there's only one way to settle this. We're going to have to have a... Flashers Landau! Flashes Landown! We're going to flat.

Flatcherslanddown. I'm not sharing without me! So we're going to slow it down. Flat share slam down. Hello and welcome to Flat Share Slam Down, the panel that shows that says, Bom, bum, bum, wow, bum, wow. Fog's here.

I'm the host of Landlord Matthew Crosby. Let's meet the Lord of the Hunter. That is rhyming slang. It's Tom Perry and Benedict Clark. Whoa, baby. But listen, you can't sort out a fox on your own. Who have you brought to help mark our territory tonight? Tom.

Well, Matthew, the jamboree's in danger. Yes, the Burgast. broken down. The burger stand is broken down. So I brought my whoppingest friend along. It's Amy Mason, everybody. It's Amy Mason. Thank you.

Thanks very much. Thank you. The burger stand has broken. What, I saw my ex-husband. Have you, what kind of a person are you to live with? I am, I would say, inconsistent. I am. I'm quite messy, but I complain a lot about other people's mess.

And I get very stressy about things while living in filth. What kind of, what kind of messy are you sort of like, if you've got clothes strewn all over the place? Well, I actually have guinea pigs, and they are in the house in a giant hutch that I got offered for free by somebody on TikTok. You've got to take them a bargain like that, haven't you? To promote their hutch without me realizing it wouldn't fit when it did it. So now it's just in the dining room.

Oh no. With guinea pigs in it. And there's hay everywhere. Who was it? There's a hay. There's just hay everywhere. Guinea pigs shit everywhere. They squeak a lot.

That's guinea pigs for you. They will do that. Yeah. Because we've got the guinea pigs on, we've got the guinea pigs on next episode. And what would they say you're like to live with them? Would they agree? Would they agree that you're a bit inconsistent? They would.

I think they would. Some days it's a lettuce leaf. Other times it's nothing at all. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are they affectionate?

Um, I don't. Affectionate. That's an, I don't know what concept. I, um, do you know what? Well, I think they, they squeak a lot when I come into the room.

Okay. That could be a sort of, quite encouraging. Right. You can do it. You've been through a doorway before you can do it again, that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I quite, I can't like them.

Did they cut to the hutch, presumably, you said, on TikTok, you said, I'm somebody who has guinea pigs. And they said, oh, here, have this hutch. Yeah. Or did they say you look like somebody wants the hutch and guinea pigs? No, they said, I got the guinea pigs. My daughter was having a bad time at school, and I found this guinea pig rescue woman. I live in Bristol, it's important to know. I think it makes a lot more sense when I tell you.

It's clicking into place. Guinea pig rescue one. When you called her, you had to say guinea pig before you said anything else. She's so paranoid about prank phone calls that you had to say guinea pig. But I've got terrible reception in my house. I can't get cut off. Guinea pig, guinea pig. And then I swear to God, the third time, she called me back.

And because I didn't say guinea pig, she hung up. I've beard violently off topic. But you know what? After what he said to me about being a whopper, I can do whatever I fucking know. So, do you have to start every sentence with guinea pig?

It's not like one of our games. Because actually that is a good game. Is it too late to rewrite round one? I think that's a good game. You've got to say guinea pick to start every sentence. Amy Mason is here, everybody. Amy Mason.

Hello. And Clarkie, what about you? Who have you? you brought along with you this week guinea pig i have bought along he knows the rules that is how we play one point of clarky he's scoring points early doors

he's off he bought alone i bought along my very own chief whip it's matt four Matt 44 40 let's get down to it what kind of a person are you to live with pragmatic yes fair yes consistent

crucially you're not running for office this is very Fundamentally reasonable. I make, I would say, achievable commitments that I then hope to exceed. And what are your guinea pigs feel about that? I don't have any pets. Are you, because I know you're allergic to a lot of things.

Are you allergic to like cats and dogs and all that kind of caper? I am, but I do take an antihistamine every day. Just in case you see a cat? Just in case, genuinely. Because cats are nice. Well. No. All right, okay.

I'm so sorry. We're having a nice chat there. It's more that I'm not in control of the animals I may. What are you likely to do? You need more than an anti-histamine, mate. You can't blame me for what's about to happen right now. 40, 40, why are those antihistamines blue? You take an antisdomine, they take a restraining order, don't they?

You know what I mean. Yes, I know what you mean. You're not in control. A lot of the rumours that 40 is the Beast's Master are untrue. if he puts his arms out like this, a load of rabbits aren't going to suddenly appear. No, I know what you mean. You don't know when you're going to encounter an animal

that might set off your allergies. This is serious medical stuff. Of course it is. And so I take that just in case because other people don't control their animals. I do not blame the animals. What about foxes? Are you a fan of foxes?

Are you allergic to foxes? Probably am. I don't have them in the house. It's quite hard to tell. But I like to give off a friendly vibe to a fox. I feel for the foxes. They had a bloody hard time of it. During COVID?

Well, they were getting hunted and stuff, they were, no, that's fair, that's fair, yeah. We get quite a lot of them near us, and they're living like flats, and some of the neighbours will throw chicken down to them, and then the foxes come at particular times. They're kind of, they're good-looking. Oh, no, this is it.

I knew if I gave him enough rope, he would hang himself. Take another round to this to me. Quick. I beg you, please. This is serious times for our country, please. No, they are. I do what you mean. When you see a fox walking down the road,

do you kind of give like a nod? Yeah. Like a nod of respect. Respect to the foxes. Keep a safe distance. Give a nod of respect. You tip your hat. You know what?

I think about them. I think about foxes like the lad in the year above. I kind of want them to like me. Yes. Yeah. And I think if a fox... And you don't want them to attack you. No, exactly.

They're not a needy animal, are they? They're not a needy animal. I think that is very appealing in itself, you know, because we are inherently needy animals. Thanks for this is the podcast. And obviously, we've got to talk about, you know, my political hero, Lawrence Fox. You must have met him in your...

The Reclaim Party. Do you know what? I saw him in a pub near me. Did you? A few weeks ago. I bet he looked great. He always looks so roeful. He always looks so rope, but he doesn't he?

You have to take an idea to me. He's going near him. He's got mage. He's got maids. He is terrifying to look at. Yeah. He's really big. Is he?

Yeah, he's got that. He's obviously, you know, he's a wopper. He's a scalding chap. But he was sat in a pub near me. I'd rather tell you, when I said to the person, I said, don't look now,

but I'll talk about. And he was sat there having a pint, and he was on his mobile, and he had a baseball cap with ice written on it. God, no. Sad. Bastard.

He's such a... You're a loser. He's such a sad. It's such a sad. I know. With an ice cat. Unbelievable. You show doesn't, mate.

I've got a texting back, really. I really have a little texting back. Anyway, we've met our guests. Let's find out who'll be thinking outside the fox as we play. Round one! Oh! Corpse of a pigeon that has drowned in a flood. A sock discarded that's all covered in blood.

Yum. Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum That soupy puddle at the end of your bin Some human vomit with cababed meat still in Yum yum yum I've eaten the lot And I will not

Your grottiest grots Moulchish shit and snort Cause I'm hungry like a fox Getting killed Yes I'm pretty crappy Are you done with that nappy because I'm hung The first round here tonight

is called thinking outside the fox I'm going to give each each player a mythical animal and I would like them to give their opposing team three different definitions as to who or what this mythical beast is okay they then have to decide which one is the real answer

if they get it right two points if they get it wrong you get two points for yourself Tom we're starting with you so that's the correct definition there the correct definition of the Celtic and Norse mythology from Celtic and North mythology, the Selke. The Selke.

By the way, can I have a Selky, Tom. I'm a huge fan. No, it's the Selkee from Celtic and North Norse mythology. And Ben and Fordy, you're working out. Which one is the real Selke? Okay? So three definitions from Tom Parry. Off we go.

A Selke is a large man who lives in the woods. Yes. who can transform into a bee. So he goes from big to small. Oh, yeah. Or is he a big bee? You'll enjoy the theme big to small. He's a big woodsman who turns into a bee.

Okay. But if he stings you, he can hear to turn back. Oh. Okay, not that one. Give us another. How many have you got? A Selke is a dog that turns into a girl that turns into a man. And if he kisses you, he can near through that.

Okay, this is a good. I wish you could turn bad, so. A Selke is an otter that turns into a girl that turns into an otter. And if she kisses you, she can near... I realise I was just looking at you. Yeah. Powerful stuff.

He is mesmerizing. Shucks at how bad all of them are. I thought one of them would be obvious. I think the otter. The otter. The otter, because you just said it turns back into an otter. Yeah. It is an otter, yeah.

Tom, Tom, it's not an otter. I'm so sorry I was listening to you do three of them and I was like you didn't have the right one yet I genuinely it's much of a much You have to do in the paper instead of a Selkie

I was like I know what a selfie is and then I was like turns out don't Well I'm afraid The two points Have to go there Because they've got to go to Fordy and Ben

You can't look too You can't look a lot You know No you can look a tiny bit more I'll say next time You can look some though A tiny bit more. 40. 40.

Now, you are up next. You have the Akaname from Japan. Oh, yeah. Tom and Amy, which one is the Akanamee? And which two are the Akanameite? 40. You've got three choices, right? Three options, okay?

Should we hear the first one now? Happy to do that? There's quite a lot to take it. It is a lot, yeah. It's a lot to take it. I just stopped reading. You read it as a creature. You read it is a creature.

Yeah, I'll do the rest of me. I've got the measure of this. They transform into a? Not a problem. Whatever they transform into, Ford is going to try and fuck it. I'm really not. You don't want me to turn back into a woman?

No. Dear me. Okay. Okay. It's like a minor tour basically, but it comes from Japanese mythology. which obviously we're relatively ignorant about it in this country. Well.

So it's like, oh, go on there. She's in the karate kid. Actually does have a sort of martial art. You're sort of on the right tracks there. So it's like a minor tour that defends children from bad goblins or whatever in the woods. Okay. So we've got the minor tour that defends children for bad gobbling. So it's a man with a ball's head?

no it's like horse oh well hang on what am I thinking it sentor I forgot to listen the one that's like humanoid on the top and horse but what's the name of the thing to start with can we just do everything

The economy The economy from Japan So we're saying it's half horse half man protects children All right okay Okay The Ekaname is a sort of magical frog That goes into

bathroom dozens bathrooms and what the frog does it licks them clean with its magic tongue and calm down for them they're sexy little things

cheeky and they they bloody love please make me picture of and it's in English it would mean philp liquor Oh. Okay. So we've got

We've got your centre who protects kids or we've got your filth liquor who does the jobs out of the, you know, Mr. Musley type jobs around your bathroom, okay? Okay, okay. Okay. The economy is actually a demon. It's like a sort of ghost figure from the afterlife underworld and it's sent by whatever the Japanese equivalent of the devil is, the devil.

The Japanese devil. And it haunts bad people. Horns bad people. It haunts their dreams. And quite sexy little thing. A cat. Often people wake up, you know. Okay.

Don't want to talk about it. Amy, Tom, any ideas out of those three? Sexy little things. I think I'd go for the first one. I think the third one, you seem quite scared. You sort of put on a good display of fear. I think you over did it a bit. Right.

The reviews are in. Yeah. So you thought... I thought it was just, yeah. The Japanese, the sent by the Japanese devil, the demon, that it's haunts people's dreams. It was, I was, you seemed fully immersed,

but I feel like the first one felt just, I just feel, I felt like it's the first one. Yeah, sent to the protects kids. Okay. Have you taken, you're not considering the bathroom cleaning frog. The, the two, the two, toilet duck. No.

No. No. Which one? You're going to go for the first one, which was the centaur type that protects kids. Yeah, I am. Forty, which one is it? It's the frog.

Oh! Once again, two points to 40 and Ben. Beautiful. Next up, Amy. He sold that so well. Yeah. That's great. Now you have the aqua bwamuelu, the aqua bwamuelu from ancient Mesopotamia, specifically from Babylon.

But what is it? Well, that is, of course, for Ben and for 40 to decide. Amy, if you'd like to give us your three definitions. Did you say Aquaman? No, it does sound like it. It's the Agra-Bwamuelu, I think. That's something like that, from ancient Mesopotamia, specifically Babylon. but what is it definition one okay so it is a leopard that lives in the dust yeah it's kind and

hyperalogenic this is how we play this is how we play you're getting 40 very hot up here I feel like this is the start of a rom-com about me and you. I'm the like crazy girl with the guinea pigs and hay in my pubs. He can't go anywhere near me. But I fuck animals. But he fucks animals.

I live in Bristol. We're fine. It's all works out. It's a rom-com between your guinea pigs and 40. You're the kooky bear. best friend. I'm in a love triangle with two guinea pig. This night's getting worse and worse for me.

Okay, so we've got the friendly, hyperalogenic dust leopard. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So, this is a kind of goblin, and it basically lives in the wardrobe of like, or cupboard closet of small, children. It's like historically people thought it was scary but actually it's sort of been

re I don't know reimagined to be like a folk figure. It's woke. And to actually give gifts every other year. Oh. To small children. For small children. It's an ancient Mesopotamian. It's an ancient Mesopotamian.

calendar. Okay. It's a biannual goblin. So you're your bi-anual goblin, your hyperalogenic dust leopard. And what's the third one going to be?

And then it is a scorpion man. Scorpion king. A scorpion man. I can't remember what the rest of it was.

Just read the whole thing out, why not? Could we just say that one? Yeah. Okay, so three very convincing, very convincing arguments from Amy Mason there. Very good. Good work. I tell you what, that's the best your team's done so far. Carlyne-Fourty and 40. So we've got the hyperalogenic dust leopard,

we've got the cupboard dwelling goblin, and we've got, of course, the scorpion man. Which one of those? Which, if any, do you believe that to be? I just don't want to rule out the idea that you've played us a bit. Yeah. That actually there was a bit of,

there was a little bit of... Theatrix. Yeah, she was a bit of a flourish. Yeah, she distracted you with the guinea pigs, and then she's... Because the goblin sounds legit. that sounds rooted in, you know, ancient cultures. And I don't want to disrespect them.

No, absolutely. I'm going to be put on YouTube. You know, I'm sort of aware of that. I don't want to disrespect any of the Mesopotamians who listen to this. A huge Babylonian fan base. Yeah. He'll be sat with Lawrence Fox. I think probably the scorpion man there.

I mean, I was thinking the scorpion. Yeah, I was thinking. I think everyone was thinking the scorpion. Let's go for the scorpion man, please. Which one was it? It was the scorpion. It was the scorpion man. Absolutely ridiculous.

Did make you think though, didn't it? Did make your thing. Yeah, I was thinking something, I'll say that much. And finally, Clarkie, you have the Bonacom from ancient Greece. Okay? So Tom and Amy, what is the Bonacomacon? It's what Ford he gets when he looks at animals. I mean, we joke.

The sad irony of this is... I'm actually being treated for erectile dysfunction. So, yeah, you're actually can't... You were chemically gastrated, wasn't you? By a vet. Inette Cooper when she was her own secretary. So I'm actually loving the banter,

but it's hurting on two levels. Upper and lower deck Okay Amy I'm actually a guinea pig for the NHS trying out new injections and that is the truth

Amy and Tom which of these three definitions that Clark is about to give is the Bonacon from ancient Greece the Bonacon is this thing that's like a bull stroke bison

and centaur more minosaur actually but with the hair of horse and it throws its dung at people and its dung is acidic and it can damage people with its dung and it can throw it like

really far so watch your fucking mouth okay so we've got a minor tour yeah with horse hair throwing its dung okay has he got arms Yeah, how else is it throwing its dunk?

Yeah, it's a bull, isn't it? I don't know. Okay. Okay. All right. BonaCon is a man made out of wood who is on stilts in the forest

and if you hear him, you mustn't look up. Otherwise, he drops down onto you and pulls off your hair. Has he got arms? This time no. Okay. So we've got the flying dung.

We've got the man made of wood. Woodman. Who rips off your hair. Okay. The third definition, please. Third one, the bonicon. Bonicon is a big mouth. And if children don't finish their food,

he comes and eats them. He's just a mouth. He's just a mouth. You know the question. It's a genuine one. It's a genuine one. He does not. Okay.

At Ford, you cannot. So, any idea which of those, any are leaping out to you, any of those armus wonders leaping out to you? So, Amy, here's where I'm thinking is. What are the origins of these stories? The big mouth one is to make kids finish their meals. The wooden man one is to stop kids looking at trees.

Didn't say kids Just said anyone who's walking the woods And the ball just throws dung The first one, it was too many details It's very short descriptions Too many details in the first one You added in too many flourishes It was overwritten

I'm livid now I think it's the third one What do you think? The big mouth? Yeah Happy to be led by you No, don't be of all things

what do you think it is if you don't agree it's the big the big mouth what do you think what would you go with Tom I don't care

the big mouth it is okay we're going with the big mouth you're going to go with the big mouth okay Clarkie do you want to tell us

what is the bonneton it is it looks like a bull or a bison oh just enough details it turns out

just enough details all the flourishes All the flourishes were there. But at the end of that... It's so cross. Libid. I've come here. I've been insulted.

The list goes on. Yes. At the end of that round, and indeed the end of the show, at the end of that, at the end of that round, producer Olivia, you mythical creature,

please spell out the scores in flying dung, or just say them, do this choice. Well, at the end of that round, Tom and Amy, have zero. Oh no.

And Ben and Forty have eight. Oh, so Ben and Fourney are in the lead. But Tom and Amy are not yet out, Fox. Everything good change. We return in part two. See you in a bit. Back to flash a slam down. Now, before the break,

Clarkie and 40 were in the lead and what a lead it was. It's substantial. It's a substantial lead with Amy and, of course, Tom, yet to score. Now, the scores have not moved and neither has that wily fox. You know, it just sits there, sits there licking its genitals,

staring at me. Well, two can play at that game, mate. What, it turns out, one can play at that game, but... Luckily, here's a game everyone can play. It's round two, it's flat games. Let's play together. Games! Let's play forever. Roll the dice, spin that thing. Put that there.

Do you're told. Games. You get nothing. Games, if you win, you get gold. You're listening to that, Golden Lobes? That's a movement, that is. That's a podcasting movement. It is a movement, Tom. It is a movement.

One day we'll win a golden lobe, I can tell you. It's in our sights. I think it's a podcast. Oh, yeah, yes. We'll win one, boy. We'll win one. This week we're doing our version of the Highland Games, which we're calling Burns Night.

A bit confusing. But I'd like you to... Best not overthink these things. You can... Don't overthink these things. I'd like you to burn a fictional character to the tune of a famous Scottish song. That's right.

Properly insult them. I want you to make this character that doesn't actually exist which they've never been born. Your teammate must identify the famous person you are roasting. One point for the famous person and a huge ten points for

Bo-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-W. So we're going to start with Clarkie. I don't know what that means. You know, have you not seen roast battle, guys? Have you not seen it? If you do a really good roast, they all go, bo-b-da-bib-bib-b-boo. You're not seen it.

You've got to... I've been on it, and I don't remember it. I don't remember it. That's what happens. If you say something really, maybe you didn't set off the alarms. Maybe it weren't very good. That's true.

Did you get a... I don't think... I mean they do. I've watched enough clips on the YouTube. Anyway, listen, I'm not on trial. It feels like you should be. You definitely... They definitely go... Brimes against hosting.

They definitely go, bo-b-da-bib-bib-bib-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-h. Now... That was a mean thing to say. It's mine against me. I've done this for 15 years. You've always enjoyed it up to this point. Anyway, so... We're going to start with Ben.

Now, Ben, your Scottish song is Franz Ferdinand's Take Me Out. An absolute indie face-melter. So, 40, you are going to guess which fictional character Ben is giving Burns to. DJ Olivia, Hootsmon, put the record on. So if you can fight around. Let's give it one more. Go on, let you have another two. Go on, let's give it one more time.

Go on, because you can do better than that. Unfortunately, Clarkie slipped into a temporary medical meddling-induced coma. We can do that again. But 40, yes, it's a fictional character. A famous fictional character. A famous fictional character. A famous fictional character. I would hope so, yeah.

Yeah. It's not just a character that Crosby's made up in his head. You've got to talking about sex frogs. Who knows? This is one that I assume a lot of people will have heard of, okay? All right, so Hutzman, put that record on. Here we go. He is a knobhead.

He puts his pants on the outside. He is a flying. He's got lasers in his eyes. He wears his hair now. In a side party like a twat. He's in a phone box. It's changing just like that. No.

Bapapu-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo. Why don't you just stop flying a fly in a little? So, Bown! Amazing. Yes. Clarkie, I will be leaving with you. That was a fantastic rendition. Do you know what?

Can I just say? You say whatever you like, man. After that, you can say whatever you like. But Fordy just said phenomenal. And last night, we did the same thing I started and Steve Martin said that was so good. And then after the show, she came up to me and she said, you know what? Actually, having listened to everyone else's, I didn't think yours was that. I think just because he went first.

Yeah. So bear that in mind. Be prepared to take that back at any minute. And it was nice that she found me to tell me. Yeah, it's nice. Thank you, Stevie. Now, well, Clark, I genuinely did think that was phenomenal. I'm not going to take that back.

I'm going to give you nine out of ten points there. Nine out of ten points. Very, very good. But 40, have you got any idea who he was singing about? Yeah. Of course you do. Yeah, yeah. Superman.

It's Superman. There we go. It's as simple as that. It's as simple as that. It really is. So one point to 40. Of course, that's a full 10 points to that team. Okay, we're going to throw it over now to Amy.

Amy, here you go. Now, your song is The Proclaimers 500 miles. An absolute folk rock face-melter. So what fictional character is Amy hiking towards at pace to give a right good roast into? Okay, and remember, this is you, Tom, you're guessing. Okay, DJ Olivia. I know you're going to be, you're going to be the girl who presses play. You are so fat.

And you only have trousers, actually. That's not even true. You only have a t-shirt and no trousers. I can't. You like honey? That's... A lot of honey actually isn't even honey. Do you know that?

A lot of it's fake, honey. Get a house. Debbie Mason. Clarkie, I'm sorry. Haven't heard everyone else. You're so shit Okay My favourite Arab strap cover that is

I'm actually quite proud of myself You did it absolutely fantastic I'll give you a score in just a second But first Tom, who do you think Amy was singing about O'Khaidanoo It was Willie the Pooh O'Kai Danu

Willie the Pooh That's at one definite point You've scored this round There you go There you go. Well done. And Amy, what am I going to give you? Now I'm... Literally, you don't need to stand on a chair.

I have five foot five. It's fine. Amy, I'm going to give you... Well, it was, you know, it was a mood piece. I'll say that much. The mood being panic for me right now. I'm going to give you seven out of ten. Eight points to that team. Eight points of that team. Okay, 40, there you go.

You are up next. Now, you have Travis's, why does it always rain on me? A sad, Scottish face melter. Ben, what figment of someone's imagination is 40, tearing a new asshole to? DJ Olivia, why do you always play CDs? Talk to now.

Fuck doesn't want to go with you. Down a yellow brick road. your dog is called T' on Toll Happy Days So when the witch is gone I get the strangest feeling We're not in Kansas anymore Why are they always flying monkeys And why are they always so nasty to me

Why are they flying around Can find a brain A heart of that fucking lion guy Run Oh beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful stuff

Absolutely fantastic Clarkie Who was 40 singing about Dorothy It was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz Of course it was And you know what I'm gonna give it you

10 out of 10 I loved it I loved it Yes Yes I loved it Now, finally, you didn't put your own stamp on it, though, I'll say that. That's true, that's true. I'll give you that. Now, finally, Tom, we're going to end the round and the year with Old Lang Zine.

An absolute New Year's Eve face melters. So, Amy, as Tom sees in the New Year, what fictional character is he seeing out? DJ Olivia, let's skip the countdown, cross your arms and press play. Do I know? What's that? Oh, yeah, I should tell you what? I'll tell you what? I tell you what, yes, that is crucial.

It's an otter, it's an otter. Oh, God. Stressful, that wasn't it? Yeah, right, okay. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Well, hang on. He likes it.

Yeah. Hit that tune. For the short one, I'm robotic though, and I do some things quite well. I'll walk and my friend put so much stock. Well, straight away, a bonus point for the French accent. Echoes of Lemire! I thought you were gonna break it to be our guest. It was good.

So straight away, I'll give you one point for that. But do you have, Amy, any idea who Tom was singing? about and grusually he didn't. So do you know who he was singing about? This sounds like a lie but this is the actual truth that I know that there are two number people in Star Wars. Yes, that's right.

Two number people. So I was going to say C3PA. Say the other one. The R2D2. It's R2D2. He was thinking about C3PO but it was that wasn't Amy's thoughts. It's all right.

Okay, so that is a point to Amy. A bonus point to Tom, and I'm going to get... Oh, you know what, I really enjoyed that. Eight for the song, so that's nine points in total. Ten points all round. Okay. Really sounded like that was going to be a ten then. I absolutely love the song, so I'm going to give it the third best points.

I absolutely love the song, but not as much as I loved all the other songs I heard tonight. You look like you've almost killed yourself doing it, but third place. It was quite macho. Thank you. That's what I was going for. Very much. Now, producer Olivia, let's hear the scores, of course, in your best French accent to the tune of Old Lanzain.

My first time ever doing this, you really could have eased me in. Instead, I'm telling you the score. And who does win? Tom and A. My God, well, this round is really not going to count for anything. It's only worth one point. It's Beef Brothers.

You've got a problem. Don't call it a problem. It's Beef Brothers. I'm going to make it worth one and a half points today because I'm just going to be feeling in a generous mood. I'm fitting in a generous mood, guys. Something about this night. Yes, it's Beef Brothers,

where each week we ask our panellists to sort out a flat share-based beef. And today's one comes from James. who is in the audience. Hello James. Are you there? Hello. Hello James. Now James writes. This is his beef.

My housemate wants to throw away my best mouse trap. I leave it out in the kitchen as a deterrent and to catch any exploratory mice. We have no mice at the moment. It's very well seasoned from around 15 years in use. So it means it doesn't smell off to the mice, meaning they are attracted to it. In the event of use, it is very lethal.

Okay. Brutal, this isn't it? Brutal from our friend James. You know, you get the listeners you deserve. So, Ben and Fordy, you are on James' side. Tom and Amy, you are on the side of the flatmate. James, are you prepared to tell us the name of your flatmate? Yeah, Shiv.

Shiv? Yeah. Okay, as in like... Are you imprisoned? Yeah, yeah. I'm just going to say, yeah, six session rather than prisoner cell block age. Right. Yeah.

Okay. So has anyone got any questions? And I'm a presuming... Can I look at him? Can you look at James? Yeah, look at James. James, did you mind standing up a bit? Yeah.

There he is. Yeah, you disgust me. Okay. Not technically a question, but... You brought your own spin on it. Is that conjecture? What is that one? Anyone got any questions for James?

Is Shiv, I'm assuming. Is Shiv here? No, she's not here. She's not here, okay. So any questions for James? No questions for Shiv, obviously. You've had the same mousetrap for 15 years? Yeah, I've been in the same flat for 16 years,

so the mousetraps relatively new. How many minds do you think you've killed over the years with your trusty trap? Four. Oh. Very lethal. But we've never had a big mouse problem because it gets the explorers,

my before they set up home. Right, I see. Okay, okay. And you think it works as a terror and they just look at it and they're scared and they run away? Yes.

Do you have a science background? I've got an E at A level of physics. Check out. Any questions from this side? Clark E, or for 40? I just, I mean, I think James, I think you're doing the right thing.

Well, hang on a second. Save that, save that. Questions at the moment. What do you do, James? I work in film and TV. Nice to meet you. Currently developing Unnamed Guinea Pig Project. Looking for a leading man.

I've made a terrible mistake. Two very different approaches. You discussed, really nice to meet you. Whichever one you feel comfortable with, feel free to take a meeting. James, what does Shiv say to you? What's her primary concern? Well, it does look quite unappealing because it has been sat in the corner of the kitchen for some time

and so it gets kind of wafted by the mop and general detritus has gone. The rest of the kitchen is very clean. But that mousetrap doesn't look great. So it's filthy, it's a filthy... Yeah, but then that's why it smells fine to the mice. So when they come in, they will stand on it. What mice?

You haven't... You haven't got mice. Conjecture. Sorry. Can you describe the trap for us? It's an old school one with a metal flip. No. Has it got the man doing the dive?

Into the bucket. It's plastic. The drawing room of murder suspects. It's plastic. It's red and white. And when I bought it, I thought it was going to be terrible. Is it a humane trap then? A plastic?

No, no, no, no. Very little. Oh, no, no. Do you not remember his message? It's lethal. It's very lethal. It's very little. So how does it trap the mouse?

It works like the old wooden one with the metal bit, but it's just all plastic. I guess it's got a metal spring, but the rest of it is plastic. So you still have to load it with cheese or some sort of bake. Then it come out of a kinder egg? That's a real surprise.

You get your tongue in there. An all plastic mouse trap? That's just crap. Yeah. It's a sustainability issue. When was the last time you caught a mouse, James? Well, it feels quite more recent than it was, but I guess it was the pandemic,

which seems like two years ago, but it's now probably six years ago. Right, right, yeah. Okay, so it's not had any use for about six years, but you still see it as a deterrent for any mice that might be exploring around. I think I just don't see it when you walk into the kitchen, but obviously anyone else walks

to a, you know, like guests walk into a lovely... Has anyone ever trod on it? Has anyone ever trod on it in a comedy fashion? No. I have removed it if I knew a dog was going to be there, though. So actually, in your expert opinion, it's not dangerous to humans or any other animal. Mice, particularly... It is lethal to mice. He cannot stress that enough. James.

I'm on your side. Trying to ascertain that everyone else is safe. because you use this in a responsible way. Yeah, there's been no... She hasn't found the one that is behind the cooker. So she doesn't know about that one. She's just complaining about the one that you can see when you're into the room that's near the fridge.

You've got secret traps that you're hiding from Shiv. Yeah. Well, now I'm hiding them from the mice, but... That's not how deterrents work. Can't have a hidden deterrence. But I think what James is saying, if I may be sub old James, is that The one that's visible as the deterrent,

the others are a security policy in case they go around the back of the... Yeah, thank you, yeah. I think you've thought this strategy out very clearly. I'm very impressed. I think I know the answer to this question, but are the other ones also lethal? Yes, equally lethal, but harder...

Yeah. And are you loading the traps with bait on a regular basis? Are they always cheezed? No, there's just a... There's like a very old bit of peanut butter in there from a very, very early, early loading. But again, You've only loaded it...

So you've gone through four mice on one loading. Yeah, I've no idea when it got that's loaded. But... It's low tariff when it comes to the peanut butter. I just want to reassure the court on your behalf that the dosage you're using is entirely safe. It's not toxic to humans after this sort of passage of time. I don't think you'd be able to get to it as a human.

It's kind of... It's lethal. It reduced that much. That's what's killing them. It's just off food. I think, I think hopefully that is enough information. They've all got the shit.

Hopefully that's enough information for our teams to make their cases. So without further ado, I'm going to call upon Matt Ford. Now you have one minute to begin the case for the prosecution. Your minute begins now. I think the case is clear that the deterrent works. And you have to put this in a wider context. The world is becoming increasingly uncertain. You have an America that can no longer be relied on.

You've got China and Russia behaving in the way that we know that they've behaved, not just in Ukraine but elsewhere. Now is the time for deterrents. It is not the time for medium-sized countries like ours and responsible citizens like James to turn their back on the values that made this country great, on democracy, on the human rights globally are at risk. You take that trap away, then what?

Our continuous actsine nuclear deterrent, and who does that emboldened? Two words. Vladimir Puted. James's Kitchen is the front line of the war to protect democracy. And I support. Fantastic.

Stand shoulder to shoulder. Fantastic. Matt forward, everybody. That's exactly what Peter Mandelson would say. It's not exactly what Peter was. We've read the emails. Amy, you're going to open the case for the defense. Your minute begins now.

Shiv told me that it's not just about the mousetraps, is it? Let's just leave that, huh? Look, if you want to get rid of mice, firstly, you haven't got any mice. I've got a bipolar disorder and I recognize a fellow soldier.

Are you having a turn? Look. I don't think you've got a mice. and if you do have mice, get a bloody humane trap, if you must, or a gun. What is the point of this old piece of kind of kender crap? No, I'm asking, what?

It's a catch mice. He's absolutely done, you there. That is your time, I'm afraid. Amy Mason, everybody. Now, James, how do you think, how do you think it's going, so far, you've heard two fairly compelling arguments. We know what you've been up to, by a gun.

You're, you know, we don't want to enable the valmy of Putin. What, how do you feel it's going so far? Do you're confident? I'm reasonably confident so far yet. Well, stick around. So, the second prosecution comes from Ben

Clark. Ben, you've got a minute to conclude the case. Remember, you're on James's side. Right, yes. That's, yeah, that is always, that's always a crucial detail. Yeah, I'm just going to... And you're, yep. Cross that out.

Don't say that. And yeah, write the word. James down. Okay, there we go. Your minute begins now. Well, James. You know, I've been thinking about this actually, James. And I think it's such a funny situation.

It's a really interesting situation. And I actually think it's going to make like a brilliant film or TV. You know, maybe like a sequel to Ratatoui, but like you kill the rat, and then, you know, you just have a good cook. And, you know, not a charlatan. Somebody actually can do the job at the helm. And I just think, you know,

you just need to look around for a charismatic lead. To cast in it and you're away. Deter the mice. Don't deter. Work for me. Ben Clark, everybody. To finish. Please.

Can we just get your profiles? And finally, Tom, now are you going to conclude the case for the defence as yourself? No, I'll do it in the style of a Deep South defence lawyer from a John Grisham novel. Mr. Fanshaugh Standing. Van Shor Standing, presiding and providing, your minute begins now.

Ladies and Jones, The gentleman of the jury. I recognize some of you from the town there. Hell, just the other day I saw you outside the library. We burned them books real good. Not in this town, thank you very much. Keep your pride end. Anyway, them there lawyers from the big city there

with their big fandangled words in this film and television. Hell, devil's box. Here we sit in church on a Sunday and read the good book. Now, you all probably hear this here heathens here telling this story about deterring demise. Let me tell you a little story. Well, from my own book, not many years ago, Nell, hell, 50, 75, or so. Gentleman never tells.

I just passed the bar, law school, the big firm, John's Law. T'was the night of the legal ball, Fanshaw, trying to get ready, hadn't cleaned the floors. Evil stepmom, y'all can't be going to no ball. No suit that fit me. 38 wide. We're three years past 38 wide. sobering realization in TK. Max. Sitting at home crying into a bucket of tears when

who should approach but three small mice. Jumped on to Fancho's shoulders and said, Hey there, son. Y'all shall go to the ball. Now what transpired was I'd been drinking the turnip hooch. and I woke up in her hospital and did. But the point still stands and I think the defence rests your honour. Thank you, Fanshawn.

Keep coming back. Now, wonderful stuff from Fanshael. Now, I cannot make the decision myself as I'm too busy trying to get one up on a fox by going one down on myself. So instead, I'll get there one day. It's not that far down either. It's not a far journey.

Anyway, so I'm going to ask the live Phoenix audience to cast their vote. So if you think James and therefore Ben and Fordier in the right, I'd like you to applaud now. But if you think Amy and Fanshault made the best case, applaud now. Oh, I think they've got it. The one and a half points goes to you guys. Big thanks to James. How do you think it went?

How do you feel about the result? It's gone against you, I'm afraid. Yeah, it's probably time to get rid of it. It's probably time to get rid of it. There we go. James, everybody. Now, while I do a few next stretches for no reason, you can relax by listening to the Quick Fire Round jingle.

This is the Quick Fire Round. It's the round that goes really quickly, which is why it's always so important. musing that it has a long introduction It has a long introduction Though the round is really quick Although I'll say this I'm doing this on a Friday afternoon

And this is the last bit of work I've got to do Before I go away on the land For my brother's birthday Haven't been on the lash for years Anyway, here it is The Quick Fire Wow Has you been? It's my Friday night too

I've got to go out as well I don't Because I wasn't invited to the party The lonely quick fire Genuinely moving, yes This is the quick fire round Let's not forget this show is all about foxes So in the spirit of Jimmy Hendrix's classic song

Foxy Lady I would like you to give us the answer After the famous riff This is what I'm talking about here Then you give the answer Okay, that's how it works All of our answers sound a bit like the word Foxy That's right guys, say it with me

They have a vague assonance That's absolutely right Instead of buzzers, I'd like you to shout out your first names in the foxiest way possible. Ben and Fordy. Oh, absolutely. You went into warp speed there, fantastic. I like it. And what about you, Tom and Amy?

Tom. All good, all good. Okay. Off we go. I think I misunderstood the foxy thing. Hey, I liked it. I was great. I saw an impression of a fox.

It was good, man. Thanks, man. My was an impression of a fox mating. Yours is good. This is a bit like the sort of, you know, the Christmas Day game of football, isn't it? You know, just a little armistice in the middle before we go back into battle. It's nice to see the two teams getting along. Okay, here we go.

What is the surname of Sandy, the current host of QI? Tom. Tom. Toxvi. It's correct. A video in which a product is unwry. wrapped is often known as a what video? Ben. Ben.

Boxing. It's correct. Name the Britney Spears song that features the lyric 40. 40. Yes, yes, 40. It's correct. You'd lose the hissing. People think their air pods are on the fritz. What is the last name? What is the last name of 19th century novelist

Charlotte, Emily and Anne? 40. Stop hissing 40. Amy. Bronte. It's correct. If you reveal a person's name and address or other person I get you by detail. 40.

40. You're so competitive. Doxing. It's correct. Complete the title of this Cohen Brothers movie. The Hudsucker. Tom. Tom.

Proxy. Is correct. Us. As well as Schmoking and Pearton. P-A-R-T-Y, because I gotta. What was the masked other catchphrase? Oh, um... Hey, Amy.

Somebody stop me. It's correct. Who plays Alan Partridge's sidekick Simon? 40. 40. 40. Let's hear it again. 40.

Tim Key. It's correct. Say it like the song or not? You don't you do it? Well, just say it, it's fine. You've got straight on that

more than the hissing, I guess. It would work. The folk hero Robin Hood was known as Robin of Sherwood or Robin of Sherwooding. Fording. I'm so deep in

Loxley. It's correct. The political comedian Matt Ford is known affectionately by this one word moniker, Tom. Ford is correct. What word is missing? What word is missing from the name of this Electropop band featuring Jimmy Somerville

who had a hit with Small Town Boy, Blank Beat? Fourteen me. Amy, I think Amy got it there. Bronsky. It's correct. My piece of paper is covered in spittle. None of it is mine. Next time we'll hand out Packamaks for the front row. We really should. Which system of a down song begins?

Wake up, wake up. 40. 40. 40. It's correct. What is the common name for a fast-moving personal watercraft designed for one to three riders to stand or sit on? Oh, 40. 40.

Jet ski. It's correct. What sort of town did Lips Inc. want to take us to in their 1980s hit? I won't you take me to... 40. Funky town. Is correct, yes. What is the last name...

Funky town. What is the last name of the revolution... and former people's commissar for military affairs of Russia. Bed. Who was, yes, Ben. Trotsky. It's correct, and that is the final. Trotsky lady.

That is the end of the round. And that is the end of the game. No more, any hitting from now on. Be struck from the record. Before we find out the final scores, Matt and Amy. I'm nervous for a wrecked. Have you got anything to plug? You're both currently on tour.

at the moment, is that right? Do you want to tell us about your tours? Amy? I'm on tour. Thank you very much. I'm on tour. Want to take the third time? Just to really have a point.

You've got to tell people things three times before they start even paying attention. I'm on tour. Amy is on tour. Thank you, Amy. I'm doing lots of dates. I'm doing Stoho Theater in April. You should all come, please.

Agreed. Not him. Not that, James. It's mousetrap. Not the commissioner who works in. Not him. I burn that bridge. Let's move on.

Fordy, what about you? Tell us about your tour. I'm also on tour. Well, I don't hiss. There's no hissing. You did it before. I've really, I've reassessed and I've cut it out my act now. So it's a hiss free tour.

I'm doing the Bloomsby Theatre in April and May. And I'm on tour. I don't know why I'm nervous promoting it. You're a fantastic comedian. You're great. It's a good laugh. It's a good laugh. You enjoy it.

Thanks to all of you for watching, of course. As always, check out our Patreon. Patreon.com for slash Pappy's Flat Share, like, subscribe, rate and review our podcast or recommend the podcast to all of your friends. So, producer Olivia, let's hear. Firstly, let's hear a quick hiss. Give us your best hiss.

Perfect. So producer Olivia, let's hear. I used to do that. Let's hear the final, the final scores. Final scores. Tom and Amy have 25 and a half and Ben 40 have 38. So Tom and Amy are sorting out the fox

whilst Ben and Fordy are sorting out this fox because I've tried and I simply can't do it myself. Thanks to our guest Matt Ford and Amy Mason. We have been Papi's. See you next time on Flatchez Slatter. Papi's Flashless Slavdown featured Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Perry with special guest Amy Mason and Matt Ford.

It was advised by Papi's in Ben Warkie. It was recorded and produced by Olivia Swash and Winry's Davis with video help from Max Brill. Big thanks to everyone at the Phoenix to all the wonderful folks who came to today's show and to you all at home for listening. Happy Splachia Standdown is a secret news production for Megaphone, I think. Cheers, everyone. Bye!

Clackcher Slabdown! There you go, there it was. What a treat. What a delicious treat it was. Yes, okay. All of the best, I reckon. Yeah, it was a corker. It really was a corker.

Don't forget, 27th of April, 28th of April, come on down to the Phoenix in London. Glittering West End. Pappies Comedy.com forward slash live. Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flatshare. They are dismantling the venue as we speak. Yes. We've got to get out of here. We couldn't have done the yet without the technical support of Max Brill. And it was produced by Olivia Swash and producer Gwyn.

Absolutely right. Hello, hello and hello. Cheers everyone. Bye!