Pappy's Flatshare - Pappy's Flatshare Slamdown ep 1627: Chloe Radcliffe & Stuart Laws

Episode Date: August 4, 2026

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Greetings, listening here. I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew. And welcome to another very exciting episode. I'm getting choked up, just thinking about it. We've just finished recording another fantastic flat share slam down. If these walls could talk, they would say, good epp, lads. Well done.

That was all right. They would, yeah. I'd say another one for the books. That was good, that was, fair play. Don't put I thinking there. All right, actually, not bad that. I can't believe the walls are on the fence. This is unbelievable.

You can give these walls absolutely anything. You know what? I'm going to give you begrudging respect for these walls. Ops and downs. I had a lazy view. This one, I shouldn't have asked this one. You shouldn't have asked the back wall, the back of our heads. A lot of backs of the heads, they said.

Anyway, it's chiefly an audio podcast, so chill out walls. Yeah, don't worry about it, guys. But thank you very much if you are watching on YouTube. Oh, yes. Checking out our clips on Instagram or TikTok. The clips are the content they've started saying. That's right. That's right. Apparently now the clips are a separate entity. So if you're, if you're only watching the clips, you know, Godspeed.

Also, you won't see this. Anyway. Anyway, technology is leaving us behind, guys. Any advice? Pappiesflatshirt at gmail.com. That's right. We're still using gmail, guys. Technology's leaving us behind. And so is tasting comedy. We're just in the slipstream.

We had great guests. tasting guests, however, is unsurpassed. We've got two fantastic guests. We did. Stuart Laws, Chloe Radcliffe, real-life couple. And you know what? I think this was, I'm going to say early doors. This is our tensest episode we've ever done.

It's a spicy boy. It was a spicy boy. It was a really was. If you would like to get these episodes early and ad-free, then go to the Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash Pappy Splat Share. You also get discounted tickets to come. come and see live,

Flatshare slam downs, wherever we might be performing them. Let's be honest, it's London. We're not doing a tour, guys. We're performing them in London. So check out pappiescommody.com forward slash live for when we are next

coming to a London near you. I don't live in London, so I am doing a tour. You're doing a tour, yeah. If one of us is touring, that's enough to call it a tour. I'm doing a 12 date tour. And all those dates are in London.

Yeah, but you're doing more travelling than anybody. Even the people come in, you know, just come and see them. the shows you're doing the most traveling out of all of us and god bless you tom well anyway i can tell he's very happy about it anyway if these walls could talk if the walls of the train could talk they say there's one grumpy fucker there's one grumpy fucker who didn't get a seat today he's asleep again he's asleep again um all right well enjoy this ep i'm off to paddington Tom Ben!

What is it, Matthew? Yeah, what is it, baby girl? Well, listen to me, baby boy. One of you two has got to make the Sunday roast. Oh, yes, no, I know it's only Monday, but I like my lamb really well done. Oh, it's not going to be me, Matthew. Oh, no.

Yeah, it's not going to be me. You know, I used to have my gravy down absolutely perfect. Oh, yeah. But I have to say, it's never been quite the same since I got the parsnip. The parsnip. Okay. The parsnip. No, okay.

Okay. You don't hear of a custard boat, do you? Tom, it's the rule of three. That is a fantastic save for a thing that's not going to be in the rest of the podcast. If anything, that's made Clarkie's gag even worse. You can just say anything.

Can we... We'll take the laugh from custard. boat and we'll pop it at the end of Clarkies Parsnip joke and suddenly we've got a podcast Tom what about you? It's not going to be me Matthew I used to run a carvery but we weren't selling enough roast so I decided I was going to build

a sign really colourful letters individual letters that I ordered from the shop that was going to say very good roasts all different colours all different letters but when the box arrived I opened it and would you believe it the letters

weren't all different colours no they were all different colours No. They were all leaden, slate coloured, really dull and plain. And they'd got the lettering wrong. They'd just sent me the first letter of the sign over and over again. That's unbelievable. So there's only one minute on this. No, I'm so sorry, go on. Tell me.

They take you the... No, no. He's not doing it. He's not going to. Going back to the lit firework, there's only one way to settle this. We're going to have to have a Flatchers Slendown. We're in a flat. Flatchair slam down.

We're sharing with our mate. Flash share it slow it down. Flash is slam down. Hello and welcome to Flasher Slamdown on the panel show that says roast lamb. Actually you do. That means the oven's on. I'm the host and landlord Matthew Crosby. Let's meet and two veg.

My flat mates. It's Tom Perry and Benedict Clark. But listen, you cannot prepare Sunday roast on your own. Who have you brought to make gravy with tonight? Tom? It's all gravy. It's all gravy. It's all gravy.

It's all gravy. They're all gravies, yeah. It's lovely. It's all gravy. So don't worry, it's all gravy. You don't get a custard boat, do you? Don't get a custard boat. Please welcome my God.

This is Chloe Radcliffe, everybody! Now, Chloe, today we're trying to avoid the household chore of making a Sunday roast. And you have some pretty strong feelings about the British tradition of the Sunday roast. You're an American person? Yeah. What do you think about our Sunday roast? I mean, it fucking sucks. Whoa.

Oh, no, I've really started off on a bad foot. It's so bad. Have you ever had a roast that is... Not a roast... Not a roast that you liked emotionally. That's fine. I understand that you like it because it reminds you. of home or something.

But this... The tension in the room that has been created. But it's so bad. It's not, it's just... Wow, they hate me. It's,

it's dry meat with... Yeah, but that's why you pour a load of gravy over it. Yeah, and then the gravy is just this weird syrup. It's all gravy. And then the vegetables, it's all brownie. The vegetables, did that save me at all?

I've never... I don't mind it's all braving. as a catchphrase. It's all brown bee. That's not, yeah. The one time, the only time I've ever cried after a stand-up show, my ex, sorry, Stuart, went on before me, this is in Boston, he went on before me, absolutely fucking destroyed and talked about how his girlfriend made more money than him.

And then I went on after him, and I was like, I'm the bitch that makes more money than him. And the crowd hated me. So bad. And it felt so awful. And I cried in the car after the show. And I'm going to say that your reaction. Come on.

Come on. I'm not in tears, but I just, I'm saying that the energy is, is on par and in line to beat that audience. This is, this is bad, because my follow-up question is how much money do you make? We ask all our guests. What are you turning over in a fiscal year? You know, you know what's funny? I was like, I shouldn't say it fucking sucks.

I shouldn't, that's coming, I'm coming on too strong. It sounds mean, but I really, I've never had a row. that impressed me. I've never had one that was good. You're so upset with you right now. Yeah. It's... It's...

It's... Do they do roast in America? We do all of the components of a roast. Like, I'll put it like this. I'm gonna put it like this. Yeah. I went to Stewart's mom's house. Oh, wow.

Okay. Wow. Here we go. This will win them over. No worry. And let me tell you, she's so fat that... Does she...

Does she listen to the podcast that you're on? I haven't been introduced yet. Safe. We'll pretend he's a different Stuart. It's insane how deep of a hole I'm digging myself here. It's not about his mom's cooking, which is bad, but that's a separate thing.

It's about... At this way, I might as well just. Yeah, absolutely. Let's go. Let's go. I might as well play the heel. No, his, his mom's husband watched me eat. So at the bottom of the roast pan, they had put like carrots and parsnips and whatever,

potatoes and whatever in the bottom. And it had roasted in the juice and the oils and the fats. And it was, are you shocked to hear me say? Delicious. And I was eating, I was taking those vegetables and I was the only person eating those vegetables. and everybody else was eating the vegetables out of the like tri-level steamer from 1983 with no that has, they turned the steamer on

well before we got in the car to drive to Prince's Risbra and eat this. That's doxing, that's doxing. And then we got there and we were eating the roast. They still had not taken the vegetables out of the steamer. At the end of the rose, they said, would you like some vegetables? They pulled it out.

It didn't, they all fell apart. Anyway, her husband saw me eating the vegetables from the bottom of the pan. And he said, now, he said, now you Americans, you really like your fats. We like to eat a little leaner around here. And I didn't, he was not trying to be mean. I think he was genuinely mystified at why would anybody eat those vegetables at the bottom of the pan. And I couldn't figure out how to nicely say, oh, I'm sorry, I like food with flavor in it.

And so I think I just said, oh, I'm quirky like that. And I moved the steamed broccoli around on my plate. I mean, I had to ask for a bigger knife to cut the roast. It was, my own roast. On my plate, I'm just, I, here's the thing, here's what I know. Here's what I know.

I'm sure this will help. This is so good. This is so good. What I know, first of all, you can't say first of all this late into the proceedings. We're two minutes away from a break. Look, the base food in this country is so much better than where I am from.

The ingredients, the vegetables, the meat, the dairy. It's crawling it back. It's so much better. It's shocking what we do to the base foods in my country. Bad, very bad. What you managed to do with the ingredients is questionable. But I will... You were doing so well!

But I... I think you've got a really good point there. The three-level steamer is the world's most depressing cooking instrument. Oh, it's... It's awful. Oh, I mean, it... It makes, it reminds me that my country has never been bombed. And that you guys know what it's like to be bombed

and what it's like to have to survive, you know? We don't know that. We have an arrogance to us that is evident right now. But what I will say, what I will say. Stevie got vegetables off freshly dropped bombs. Can I just say you have been bombs multiple times but by your own people? who has manifestoes that sound a lot like the things you're saying.

I went to Britain once, I saw a steam, and now I'm the una bomber. That's what happens. I'm not worried about being bombed, for I will be the bomb. It's that I know that there is someone in this audience who agrees with me on every single point I have made, but who feels cowed by your countrymen, who feels that you cannot express your real opinions on Sunday roasts, and I implore you.

Rise up. Yes, you raising your hand. That is right. I speak for the few, but I speak for the voiceless. Well, it's great. I mean, phenomenal. I didn't even get to ask what you like to live with, but I can take a guess.

We've got a good idea. I can take a guess. Clarkie, who have you brought along with you? It's going to be a big surprise. Who have you brought along with you? I brought along the son of a terrible cook. It's Stuart Lord. Stuart Lawrence is here.

I love roastingers and I love my mum. That's a better catchphrase. That is a better catchphrase than it's all brave. Now, Steve, for anybody who doesn't know already... Oh, by the way, I've got to talk about this before we get to this. My producer said she saw you a couple of weeks ago. Correct. And you said to her,

Oh, I forgot Pappy's existed for a really long time until they asked me to come on this podcast. What? What? It does sound like something I'd say. I listen to this podcast every time there's a new one out. Oh. Well, you know, they're only out once a month.

That's what it is. Yeah, I just forget. Because I'm too busy eating roast dinners and loving my mind. Oh! So, for people who don't know, you and Chloe are going steady. We're going steady. You're an item. you're an item

what would you say Chloe would say that you're like to live with if she was being asked the question what's you like to live with what do you think Chloe would say I would say that I am the tidy one I am like the put upon wife

of the relationship okay if it was like a very old fashioned yeah if we're 1950s kind of madman type thing yeah I'm the wife you're the wife in madman okay I'm cleaning up like for example I almost when I moved over to New York because she had a sofa that she refused to get rid of.

And that sofa was making me so allergic that I could barely breathe. Now, I've never had allergies in the UK. And I moved to New York, and New York was like, hey, we're going to fuck you up. And I kept bringing out of being like, I think like there's too much dust in here. He's added like twice. In amongst mouthfuls of beautiful steamed vegetables. Stu, have you ever heard of the rule of three? And then eventually, Chloe was convinced to get rid of the sofa

and my allergies cleared up immediately and I could breathe and then I vacuumed the entire place and it filled up the entire vacuum cleaner with dust. And then I emptied it, washed the, cleaned the whole vacuum cleaner and then said to Chloe, when was the last time you cleaned the vacuum cleaner? And she said, I didn't know you could do that. Yeah, you just steam it.

When was the last time you cleaned your vacuum cleaner? quite recently fuck me what the fuck is wrong with you people I am the idiot husband very much so very very very much so

is she okay to live with she was wonderful to live with he does the laundry he vacuums he's great what do you like to live with Chloe if I was to ask you the same question

he kind of has told me I think he would say naked and gritty that's fair yeah that is fair and you allege it to grit as well Yeah, the floor gets so gritty in New York.

That's like my flat is mostly carpeted in London, glittering west, west, west end, rice lip. I vacuum a lot. I like to keep it pretty tidy. Chloe likes the feel of a beach under her feet. Whilst in New York. I would say, Stuart is a, he does a lot of work up front to prevent having to do work later

and I may do as little work as possible until everything is about to explode. Crisis point. Do you wait to crisis point? Quickly patch it together, yes. And what's, like, what would you what is this, what is this grit that's coming in and how is it, how is it

coming in and why are you not getting rid of it? That's a very good question. Thank you. Thank you very much. I loved asking it. I can't wait for the answer. I think the grit is the spirit of the city. Oh, don't give us that Bullshit. We've met our guests.

Fuck, out. Amazingly, we've yet to play a round, but we met our guests. A third Pappies has hit the tower. Never forget. But like my over-roasted lamb, we're far from done. It's time to play. Round one.

Homemade roast potatoes, marinerators. I don't need to boast. Gonna do a roast. Sunday times on the kitchen tops, Spuds par bowl and the oil is hot, A bit of lemon juice, sunny Stir fried sprats till that chop, but still green

And a gravy thick as double green There's a Yorkshire put That's risen real good And a serving of roast broccoli Yes, I put a roast on finished with tarragon Rubbed it with some bejeon. Have you got your roast on beef on turkey chicken?

Nothing for a vegan beef. Oh, Tom. Ben. You know, listening to that, I thought, I could get used to this. This first round is called Someday Roast Battle. I'm going to give each player a particular day and they have to engage in a roast battle.

attacking the other person's day and defending their own day. We're talking about Father's Day. We're talking about St. Swithin's Day. We're talking Battle of the Boyne. You'll alternate. Oh no, are we? Yeah.

We're doing Battle of the Boyn today. No, we're not. It's already been way too spicy. When you have a 9-11 gag before round one, you ain't touching Battle of the Boin. Not until the Quickfire round. Not until the Quickfire round.

And then it's all boring. We'll be lancing that boine. Imagine if that's how all episode. Someone's going to talk about the Battle of the Boin. Well, it's not going to be me. End of episodes. The shortest episode we've ever done. So you're going to alternate between teams.

You'll get three shots at your opponent's day. Your teammate can act as hype man. And if we think you've made an especially vicious roast, you will hear this noise. Or perhaps even this noise. Whoa! Oh shit. Tom and Stu, you are first.

Tom, you, my friend, a pancake day. Oh, yes. And you'll be up against Stu, who, true to his romantic self, is Valentine's Day. Okay? So Chloe and Ben, feel free to chip in and attack your opposing days. Tom, let's hear your first slam against Valentine's Day. If you're going to write a love poem, at least put your name at the end, you fucking can. What?

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Right. I liked every bit of that. Apart from... Apart from one small bit, I didn't like so much at the end. The point still stands. Okay. And what about you, Stu? How are you going to roast Shrove Tuesday, aka pancake day? I had Valentine's. Okay, I'll do it. I do it. It's fine.

Yeah, yeah. I'll just replace. Yeah, yeah. Oh, what? So I'm supposed to only have pancakes once in a year? Yeah, you come. Wait, no, no, wait. I got you back, man. I got your back. Okay. Roses are red, violets are blue. Put your name on the end, you fucking cump.

Producer Gwyn, do not enable these guys, all right? The only sound effect should be the bleep button, okay? Okay. All right, so there's only one day in the entire year where I can fuck a pancake. Tom, third and final time. 40 quid for a red rose. What do I look like? A fucking cunt. Stu, final salvo.

Sorry, I'm supposed to clean out my fridge to make pancakes and at the end of the day no one has ever said, well, it's Shrover now. Yeah! Oh my gosh, do you know what? We've not really worked out how the points work on it. But I tell you what, it's Shrova now, is getting top marks. I'm going to give five points of shoe laws there.

Five points of shoe laws. Okay. It's Clarkie versus Radcliffe. It's Chloe versus Ben. Chloe, you've got Halloween. Halloween. And you, Clarkie, have April Fool's Day. Now, just, they do have Halloween in the States, don't they?

I think we invented it. You've got it, okay, great. I have no idea what Battle of the Boyne is. Don't Google it. Educate yourself. I'm not here to do all the lifting for you as you're put upon wife. Yes, you are. Oh, sorry.

So, Halloween versus April Fool's Day. Now Tom and Tom and Stu, don't be afraid to throw some shade as well. Clarkie, we'll start with you. What have you got against Halloween? Halloween? Goodbye wean more like. Oh! Or everyone, ween.

I wouldn't like to be wean right about now. I'll tell you that. Okay. What do you make of that? What are you going to fire back towards April Fool's Day? I just don't believe that this guy only gets one day a year. Whoa! Oh, it's the doubler.

He got the doubler. What about you, Clarkie? Yeah, well, that one really hurt my feelings, actually. Emotionally intelligent. I now understand the game. Right. I don't anymore. Really did.

I thought last night I had it, but I don't. Chloe, another April Fool's Day bar, please. Of course you would love a day where you get to lot. to your loved ones. Oh. Oh. All right. You fuck.

You. I do it all the time. And another bar towards towards Halloween Clarkie. Oh, fucking it's,

it's really scary isn't it? I don't like it. It's a bit much. You spook us out. Yeah. You're spook us. You scare us,

actually. Stop doing that. And spook is a word that we use in the UK that's okay. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a little,

ooh, to me. Oh, really? Yeah. What does it mean? It's a very mean thing to say about black people. Oh, aye, aye. And I guess that wins me. Spice over there, isn't it this?

Tom, why did you ask what it means? It wasn't going to be good. Okay. Well, after that, I believe. I believe, you know what? I'm going to give points to both sides there. I'm going to give five points to Chloe, but I'm getting another two points.

it's to Clarkie. Okay. But Clarkie, we're going to stay with you. It's Tom, it's Tom versus Ben going head to head now. So Clarkie versus Parry. Tom, you've got Bonfire Knight. You've got Bonfire Night. And Clarkie, you've got St Patrick's Day.

Tom will start with you. No one who enjoys St Patrick's Day in this country is actually Irish. Oh. That's just a fact. he's got me there Guy Fawkes you bastard yeah

yeah fair enough I think if everyone stopped them was actually honest with themselves they would realise that Guinness isn't actually that nice people just think it looks cool but it tastes pretty rank

if everyone was actually honest Now, if you just replace Guinness with Sunday roads. Don't make this about gravy, Chloe! Quick, play the explosion again. Do you get a Guinness boat? That actually. Not bad.

I'm having that. It's not bad, yeah. That's going in the set, isn't it? You can, but it's very stout. Is that a thing? Tom, I think so. I think so. That's pretty good.

Clarkie. Is it me? Yeah. Against bonfire night. Well, fucking, what's it all about then? Because it never actually happened. Like, why are we like setting off fireworks for a thing that didn't actually happen?

Why don't we have like fireworks celebrations for a time where there was actual... Actually. Now we're thinking about it, not such a strong plan. And why you hate hedgehogs? Yeah. Good hyping from Stu there. Split the G.

Fart the P more like. The worst bit about that is you read it out. You know that scene in 8 mile when he gets out of puck a note pass Hang on a sec, I've got one I wrote it earlier What was it? Part the pee, what is it? What's part of the pee? Don't ask about to you.

Never ask. Never ask that. Okay, final one from Clarkie. Yeah, you upset, dogs, you bastards. Okay, nothing Nothing from producer win for any of that, apparently. Yes, yes, Stu?

No, no, no, no, okay. Okay. I think I think you're the same thing and no, no, no. And I'm going to give, you know, Steve did some very good hyping there, so I'm going to give him a bonus point, but I don't think any points for either team there.

I think that's fair. That's fair, that's fair. So you're not splitting the P, is that? No, I'm not. What happened to papies? I don't know. Wishing you can to forget about us now, aren't you, Stu? So this is Chloe versus Stu.

Chloe, you've got New Year's Eve. Stu, you've got Easter Sunday. Okay, Chloe, we'll start with you. What is your beef against Easter Sunday? I mean, it's always the man saying that he'll come again, and I'm sort of wondering when I get to come again. Whoa! Well, it's New Year's Eve, not New Year's Steve.

we should have done jokes I did I did I wrote it down fuck you know fart the pee come on Chloe don't forget you're you're against Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday that's right Eat a Sunday Easter Sunday roll back the stone and find an empty grave. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We all were, Chloe. Why do you think we got into this crazy business? Stu, everything to play for.

I'd love that ball to drop in Times Square onto their head of an empty grave. Yes, absolutely. Or bin Laden. Yeah, bin Laden. I love that ball to drop on Bin Laden's head. Why didn't they do that? The other question.

Are you saying you wish Bingardt, Lardin's grave? Is it his grave? Was it empty? Yeah. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. He was buried at sea. Yeah, and then when they went back to that same spot, he was gone. He was risen again.

And we now will follow him. And that's why we do Easter egg hunts. I thought that's what you were saying. I didn't think that's what you were saying. Okay, I'm going to end the round there. I kind of wish we'd done Battle of the Boy, now. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him.

You know what? There were some very, very strong points from both sides there. I think I'm going to give three to Chloe and four to Stu Laws. Okay. So, at the end of that round, I do not know the scores

and I would be surprised if producer Gwyn does either. But producer Gwynn, what do you, if you could give it a guess, what do you think the score kind of basically are. You know, why not say Tom and Chloe have seven

and Ben and Stuart have 12. Oh, absolutely. So Ben and Stuart are in the lead, but will they be first passed in the post? Find out we're returning part two. See you in a bit. Well, welcome back to Flash Slamdown. Now, before the break,

can you believe it, Clarkie and Stuart Laws were in the lead. Yeah. Now, the scores have not moved and neither has my hunger for a lovely roast. Oh, by the way, we should also thank you. Mine as well.

Yeah, you're really desperate for a roast, don't you? For a lovely one. Oh, listen, all right. Have you learned no lessons from the first half of the show? The first time, after me and Chloe met, about a month later, I said, oh, you should have a roast dinner with my friends, you meet my friends, this would be nice.

We went to a pub, got a nice pub, pub, roast dinner and what sticks in my mind is Chloe looking at the Yorkshire pudding and saying it's a popover saying what's this a pop over? What's a popover? They call them popovers. Okay you want to know another issue I have with this country? It's how you deploy the word pudding with absolutely

I'm going to say it zero discretion. Okay. Because if what you wanted to say, the bread thing that you have with the roast. The Yorkshire pudding. If you want to call that a pudding, fine. Batter. Batter. I can change my definition of pudding to be this, to be a baked good, to be a breaded, baked good.

That's fine. It's not breaded. But then, a bready baked good. It's fine. It's batter. It's a battered pudding. But, fine. Yes.

Baked. But then you can't hold that next to a good. goo pudding and say that these are the same thing. That's why you put the word goo in front of it. So you know the difference. Goo pudding, batter pudding. They're two different things. But how are they both puddings? Because that's the wonderful word of puddings.

It's a broad church, Chloe, and all are welcome. You can't pop over here and tell us what to do with our puddings. Don't give them that. You can be against me, you can hate me, that's fine, but do not give him that. It is, again, Chloe, So he does make a very salient point because puddings are traditionally eaten as dessert.

What does pudding mean? Pudding is a scoopie? Is it is a... A scoopie? Just go with dessert. It's a scoopie. Unless that's another slightly spicy word. In my country, it's not.

It's a soft, moist, spooned, you know, thick liquid dessert. As opposed to... By the way, round two wasn't going to be this, but now it's going to be different. Define really simple things. Tell us what a pudding is. Tell us what a pudding is. What is a boine? Why must be fight.

I what I meant to say is welcome back. And now let's play round two. It's flat games. Whoa. Let's play together. Games. Let's play forever.

Roll the dice. I spin that thing, put that there, use your toes. Games. If you lose, you get nothing. Games. If you win, you get gold. Oh, baby. Listen to that.

Listen to that, Tom. They're farting the pee, baby. That's how you fart the pudding. That's how you fart the pee, baby. Now this week, we are playing our version of Family Fortunes, which we're calling Family Four Tunes. Yes, it's a family affair. Great reaction.

Thank you. Pure reaction from the audience there. If we can get everybody reacting in the same way as that one dude, then we'd be really, really happy. Absolute sweet spot. Spread it around, my friends. Spread it around. Right where it's pure.

Take it and make it gloopy and sloopy and sloopy and just... And smoooochie and smoochie and spooed it out. So, you have to sing about a famous family to the tune of one of four famous songs by famous families. Now your teammate, thank you Tom. That's good stuff, it's classic Pappy's Fair, I'd say.

Good stuff, that is. Yes, it's classic Pappy's Fair. So, your teammate must guess which family you're singing about. Now, there is one point for a correct guess and a whopping 10 points for performance. So make your songs as comforting

as mum as cooking and as sound as Papa's beatings. Let's start with Clarkie. Ben. Now you have got the Jackson family with blame it. Speaking of Papa's beatings. You've got the Jackson family with blame it on the boogie here. But Stu, what other family is Clarkie blaming it on? The Manson's. Okay, no, when...

It's a good guess, actually. It's a very, very strong guess. It's not bad, actually. I'm checking my notes, it isn't the Manson family. No, it's not the Manson family, but I tell you what, when you hear the song and then make the guess based on the... The song, that's soggy, listen to every episode. DJ Quinn, give it a spin.

Ugh. Yeah. Whoa, they are very yellow. Oh, and then the only saxophone. Oh, baby, look at me, there's parts. Everybody a hundred guys. Don't believe it on. Mudge deserves better.

Baby on Lisa. I forgot the name of the little one. Maggie. better. I just can't, I just can't, I just can't control myself. Clarkie, Clarkie, we know that already, but

just let's kill the music there. That was a beautiful rendition from Clarkie. And a gorgeous admission at the end that he literally can't control himself, guys. So don't you blame him. I'll tell you that much. Yeah, it was fast and it was high. I really enjoyed it. We'll give you points for performance in a second, but

Stu, Stu. Oh, there's nothing worse than doing a song looking over at Tom's face when he's like, that was shit. Hey, it's no fart the pee, guys, but it can't all be purlers. Stu, do you have any idea? Now, I'm going to junk your first guest,

but do you have any idea as a second guess what famous family Clarkie was singing about? It is, of course, the Sutcliffs. It is, of course. The circus Duh da da da da da da Do Do you know

Anyone else think of an open grave right now? I'd like to find one and fall the fuck into it I'm afraid I can't give you the point but I'm going to throw it over to the other team Any idea? It was the West. Of course it was the West. It was the West of Springfield dwelling Simpsons

of course it was the Simpsons. So a point to me there. But what am I going to give Clarkie? He really went for it. Very high notes. He did go, very high notes. All right, Tom, we know what you thought of it. And a shocking omission that you can't control yourself at the end,

which actually brought you a lot of sympathy. I'm going to give you eight out of ten. Chloe, now Chloe, you are up next. Now, you've got Doe Ray Me from the Sound of Music's Bond Trap family. Oh, yes. But Tom, which family is Chloe Tee? teaching us all about. Now, it's quite a speedy, it's quite a speedy intro this one.

So you might want to watch producer Gwyn. Producer Gwyn, you lonely goat heard. Play that tune. Brits, they are, but famous in my... Oh my God, it's so slow. Ozzie is the dad of them. Kelly is his daughter then. He has a wife whose name.

I do not remember so I will keep singing this song and I'm hoping that you'll know no, no, no, no. The name of family. They had a TV show when I was kid, I was a child, I never listened to the band.

I don't know much about them ever. But I think you already know I am really hoping that you can help me stop this song Beautiful I started so low I know I really

You really captured the gorgeous bass baritone of Julian Andrews The hills are alive People forget they had to redub her voice. She sounds like Jim. Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kitchens. Tom waits. So in a second, I'll give you,

I'm going to give you lots of points for performance. But Tom, before that, do you have any idea who Chloe was singing about? It was the Osbourn. It was the Osbournes. Of course it was, the Osborne. And for performance, You know what I loved about it.

It was like the movie itself. You know, started like Maria does, a little bit timid. You slowly gained confidence, and by the end I was praying for Nazis. So I'm going to give you nine out of ten. Nine out of ten for that. Stuart, you have got your family there. You've also got, don't look back in anger by those Gallagher brothers, Oasis. Okay?

Now, Ben, please tell us what famous family, Stu is... Googling the lyrics for us. Oh no. Oh, dear. Have you done homework? What's going on there? You're typing into your notes. Okay, here we go. All right. Okay, so you've got Stoetka in anger. Ben, please tell us what famous family,

Stu is refusing to be angry about DJ Gwyn. Make it sh-da. Okay, here we go. Okay, here we go. you'll say that this family and all the things that they've seen would slowly become clear so I started to give you clues about the fam

because she said the clues I gave went over your head step outside spring is now in bloom Now the family's right there Take the look from off their face Because you ain't ever gonna solve who this family Should give you some clues I know that is truths As I'm singing I'm by

I roll Just give me some clues I heard you say A horse's head in your bed Guys, if you missed out on tickets to see them last summer, you just had your moments. I love that you did it as Julie Andrews as well. I really hate singing.

I never get hot on stage. Normally, when I'm on stage, I mean, a completely dull funk, not feeling any emotion. Singing, I'm like, that's the scariest thing I've ever done. Well, it was great. I mean, you hugged the lines of the original very closely. And I appreciate that. I appreciate that.

I'll give you points for performance in just a second. But first, Ben Clark, have you got any idea which famous family our dear friend Stuart Laws was singing about? I believe it's the Collione's. It was the Corleonis, absolutely right. From the Godfather. And you know what? I enjoyed that so much.

I'm going to give it 10 out of 10. It was a fantastic rendition. Harry, it is now over to you. You have the kinks. You have the kinks with Lola. Okay, but Chloe, what family is Tom singing and probably spelling about? Now, DJ Gwyn, will you play it all day and all of the night, or maybe just for the next sort of 45 seconds or so?

Okay. There used to be one who was really in charge, but she's not around, so instead there is another. R. IP, the mother. RIP the mother. The new son's in charge and he's not very good But he's not as bad as his brother is He's a P-A-E-O-P

The great thing for you people who actually hear tonight You can tell you can speak to people who've listened to the episode And go, no it wasn't 15 minutes long on the night They actually weirdly did two hours but um We couldn't put most of it out now. 20 minutes about a roast and then the end.

She's a woman who hated roast, it is. That's the part you do put out. I'm afraid so, unbelievably. So, again, of course, I will award you many, many points. I award your points for both performance and treason.

But first, Chloe, have you any idea who Tom Perry was singing about? It is the family that we threw off many hundreds of years ago, your royal family. It's the British royal family, everybody. Come on, guys. You should have stood up, really. Allegedly, allegedly. And what are we going to give?

Allegedly. Allegedly, yeah. You should say allegedly. What, is she not dead? What am I going to give you, Tom? What am I going to give you? A talking to after the show? Yeah, I think so. It won't be an OBE, I'll say that much.

I'm going to give you 8 out of 10. 8 out of 10 points. You gave him 8 out of 10. I know, I know. You just listed the Simpsons? I know. I would have preferred it if you'd listed the Simpsons, to be honest. So,

so producer Gwyn at the end of that round, give us the scores to the tune of Doe Ramey. Tom and Chloe have 26. Ben and Stu. at 31. So sadly now we must be torn weeping from the warm bosom of our family and thrust into the squalid court of the Beef Brothers.

You've got a problem, don't call it a problem, if you've got a beef, if you've got a beef, maybe we can help you, beef brothers sorting out your beef. Yes indeed it's Beef Brothers where each week we ask our panellists to sort out a flat share-based beef and today's one comes from Haley. Hayley, are you there? Hello, Hayley.

Okay, Hayley writes, after a recent trip, after a recent trip to Brighton, my husband bought some juggling balls. Oh, no. Oh, no. Do we need to go any further? Case closed.

Do we need to go any further? No, you don't. Strikes again. After a recent trip to Brighton, my husband bought some juggling balls. I now have to watch him and be encouraging every day when he practices. He's so enthusiastic about his new hobby

We have to watch hours of YouTube jugglers Now I will tell you now Tom and Chloe You are on Haley's side Yes! Okay You are on Haley's side And... Fuck Ben and Stuart

You are on the husband's side Haley, could we have your husband's name? Rob. Your husband is called Robb. Okay, so you're on Rob's side, Ben and Stuart and Tom, Chloe and the rest of the room are on Haley's side. Okay.

Have you got any questions? We don't have Rob here tonight, do we? Absolutely not. Do you not? Is he practicing? Almost certainly. Although he won't have an audience, so maybe not. Can he not do two things at once?

No, that is... Oh. So we... Just put more effort in. Any questions for Haley? We've got time for a cross-examination. Any questions for Haley before we make our cases? Is this his first...

foray into this kind of project. Does he go from project to project this man? Kind of, yes. Is there anything to avoid what he should be doing? I think is fair to say. And what should he be doing? Well, anything around the house, you know, general tasks. We could empty the dishwasher, but I am empty the dishwasher whilst he is juggling. And do you make him watch you empty the dishwasher? No, because he's watching his juggling balls. Crucial question. Is he any good?

He's mediocre to okay? Oh, that's not good enough. How recent was the recent trip? How long has he been practicing for? About four weeks. Okay. He can juggle four if he really tries. He can do a thing called flashing five,

which is a, who knew about this? He juggles five balls with his cock out. Yeah, that's an Ed Blyton novel. No, so flashing is where you just fill them up and catch them once. He can do that with five. What is his goal? Oh, I don't know. He's a procrastinator.

We're both procrastinators, and he's just the king of procrastinating. What's his job? Yeah. Oh, God, he's a magician. I've had to professionally. I've had to watch him do magic tricks for 20 years, as well. So you really buried the lead in an open brain.

A real pullback and reveal. Fair play, actually. Fair play. And he's here tonight! So you married a magician. Yes. Oh, Hayley. Did you have a magic... Hey, remember you're on Haley's side, remember?

I know, but come on. Was there any magic at your wedding? I don't mean that in the kind of like, you know, looking to each other's eyes, kind of, you know. But did he do any kind of trickery at? the wedding? He didn't, but half the guests did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was a bit of a magic convention. Did the ring arrive on a piece of string? Were you charmed by the magic at first? Yeah, because it's before you get to see how it's done. Yes. And then you see how it's done.

And then the magic's gone. Did you? I used to be married to someone who made sausages. that's the best joke of the night everyone you've got to give it more than that thank you very much that's as good as it gets

any questions from you guys that's like farting the pee level it's like on a part it's right up there any other questions from Stuart or from Clarkie for Haley here what's kind of magic

does he do Clarkie's interest is peaked. Yeah. He sounds fucking cool. It is cool, really. Oh. Yeah. Objection, you're on.

This loser is late. Do you have YouTube premium? We do not know. So there's a lot of adverts as well. That's not going to help her. Thank you, Stuart. It's the best purchase I've ever made YouTube premium. It was actually a gift.

And who purchased that? It was a gift from Chloe Radcliffe. And for any idiot husband's in the room, YouTube premium, a great gift, because then every year, you can just be like, well, your gift this year is that I continue paying for YouTube premium. They can't cancel your YouTube premium. Fair enough. What happened? You did the sausage bit a second ago. No, you're on YouTube premium.

Okay. Haley, what are your hobbies? Just regular ones, running. Sorry? Running, reading. I thought you said money. regular ones, money, you know, disrupting the crypto blockchain. Running. Do you make him watch you run?

No. Do you make him go running with you? If he wants to come, but I don't make him. He flies. No. Did you fall in love with him as a magician? Did you see him perform and was like, oh my God. Yeah. So you were in the audience?

I was in the audience. He sawed you in half. and you thought you can make me whole again. How successful is he as a magician? It's full-time job for 20 years, so pretty successful. He tours. But he's only now learning how to juggle. That's kind of...

Well, I think we had juggling balls and clubs in our house for years, but he never touched them, but then we went to Brighton and there was a shop. Yeah, that does happen. It's a theatrical device, so if you see juggling balls and clubs in your relationship in the first three years, they will be used in the next.

And what do you do for a living, Haley? Before we wrap things up, what do you do for a living? I'm a radiographer. You're a radiographer. So you're making the money? Yeah, currently. Currently. And in that job, do you feel threatened by podcasts?

Not right now, she doesn't. Okay, I think that's enough information for our teams to make their cases. God. That was just interesting. It was. Sometimes it's interesting. It was. Sometimes it's interesting. It was a lovely chat with a lovely person. But don't, if, you know, obviously, good luck of you guys as well. Has he ever done BGT?

No. Purist. I don't know. Absolutely. Neither of we. Okay. Right. So without further ado, I'm going to call upon Chloe Radcliffe. If you have a minute to begin the case for the prosecution, your minute begins now.

I am not fundamentally opposed to Rob learning to juggle and incorporating into his act. I am fundamentally opposed to Rob making you watch him learn to juggle. It sounds like he has made you watch many other magic tricks behind the scenes, made you watch him learn other magic tricks. It does feel a little bit like you wouldn't make him watch you pick out running shoes online. And I just think that he needs to keep the magic alive and do a trick that. actually shocks you. I want you to be surprised in the relationship.

I want him to be, I want him to fool you, but in like a nice way, not in like a he's lying to you way, you know. I've got a second family. That's not where we're up. And I didn't make you watch me make it. Not like that. Yes, I think that he

should return to the world of romance and illusion in your relationship. Beautiful. Chloe Radcliffe, everybody. Chloe Radcliffe. Now to open the case for the defence, we have Stuart Laws.

Stuart, you have a minute, and it begins now. Slip inside. Hayley, you were charmed by a magician. And yet when a magician dared to dream to better himself, you said abracadab no. He wants to make your family secure, and I don't begrudge him that.

You're out there doing a pointless job that no one gives a shit about. Since when has anyone ever needed a radiographer in the land of poddiographers? Now it's open to anyone who wants to get into radiography. There is no difficulty to access. Literally anyone could have a podcast and it could run for 15, 16 years. and one of the guests could not even know that it's still running. And so all I say is, aren't we all, Rob,

desperate to make a life for their family, but also to just show off a little bit. Just to say, hey, life doesn't have to be bleak. It doesn't have to be all radio waves and graphs. Case res. Yes. Stuart Laws, everybody. Two very compelling arguments. Haley, how do you think it's going so far?

I don't think Stuart knows what a radiographer is. No, listen, let's not put it that thread. There's plenty of things he doesn't understand, but he gave it a good cottage try. I know there's no pictures. Tom, are you... Tom, are you going to do this? It's theatre of the mind, it's theatre of the mind.

Tom, are you going to do this as yourself today? No, I'm going to do it as a defence lawyer from a John Grisham novel in the deep south, Mr. Fanshaar Standen. Fansure standing, presiding and providing. Your minute should you need it begins now. Ladies and gentlemen, after jury, warm today.

Barmy. I recognize some of you from the town there. Hellcune behind you in the bakery just yesterday evening. Open evenings and about bloody time. A lot of them dear lawyers there arriving here from the big city with their new fendangled ways.

sorcery, magic. Now, around here, we simple folk. We god-faring folk. Someone's trying to use three things with two things. That ain't in the Bible. Now, I do believe I have some scripture here that proves my point. Just give me a second here to find it now.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. They're not enjoying this in the gallery. Anyway, the point still stands. The defence rests.

Defense you're standing. Presiding and providing. Clarkie, you're up next. You have a minute to conclude the case for the defence. Your minute begins right now. In the break, I said to Tom, you know, I was considering. doing like the Russell Brand thing.

And then I was like, I don't think it would play. It was great. Listen, we've all been there. I've been to Brighton. In my youth, I bought some poise in a particularly dark chapter. But I think if you really break it down, we're all jugglers in a way. Right now, am I not juggling words?

And you, you're juggling things like loading the dishwasher and earning all the money. And he's juggling three balls. You're kind of the same. Give the man a break. You're off. you're off jogging

is that not leg juggling it isn't it isn't Ben Clark everybody it isn't actually I will have to say it isn't

but to conclude aren't we all rob aren't we all rob? Aren't we all rob? Nope okay so Clarkie everybody in the break

I said to Ben I was going to do leg juggling. You were right to leave it, mate. Now, obviously, I cannot make the decision myself as I'm currently the subject of an investigation concerning the aggravated result of one of the panel. Yes, I fought Stu Laws and Stu Laws won.

Surprisingly strong. So instead, I'm going to ask our live Phoenix audience to decide if you think that Haley and therefore Chloe and Fanshaw are in the right now, I would like you to applaud right now. Okay. All right. But if you think Rob is in the right.

If you side with the leg jugglers and you think that Rob and therefore Ben and Stuart made the case, please applaud now. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Helly I want. Helly a good dab, yes. I cannot believe that, Haley.

That's an absolute outrage. I thought it was over and shell. I haven't been that shock since Brexit went the way I was hoping it would. So, Haley, I'm so sorry, I'm afraid you're going to have to let Rob carry on the juggling. Big round of applause for Haley, everybody. Wow. By YouTube premium.

Now, one more round to go before you find out who will be cooking the roast, but first, let's hear the audio equivalent of slow cooking. It's the quickfire round. Jingle! This is the quick fire round. It's a round that goes. really quickly which is why it's always so amusing that it has a long introduction it's a comical tree it has a long introduction though the round is

really short in many ways it's the original odd couple really long jingle and a really short round and it's a bit like Arnold Schwarzenegger oh yes he's an odd couple and Danny DeVito when they made that movie Twins oh do you remember Twins the 1988 comedy it had a really great poster yes the film was dark shit but what a great poster to Vito next to Arnie and they're twins well how's that even possible one one so short and the other's really big I better go and watch it at the cinema.

Take me back. It made a kick. In fact, let's get under the hood. It had a budget of $18 million. And it grossed $216.6 million at the box office. Check out those numbers. We've got a here. hit on our hands.

Everyone loved films in the 80s. And well, look, I feel like I've banged on long enough. About the 1988, buddy comedy film twins, no one wants to hear the applause, as described on Wikipedia, where it says something like this. 35 years earlier a secret. earlier a secret genetic experiment attempted

to produce the perfect char by combining DNA of several distinguished individuals. A great start to a film. The embryo unexpectedly split resulting in the twins Julius and Vincent Benedict. Their mother Mary is told that Julius died at birth. and is never informed of Vincent's existence that boys are raised separately. It's a tragedy.

Each unaware of the other. Cheap as this doesn't sound very funny. It sounds pretty traumatising. It sounds like a bleak old tragedy. It's basically blood, brothers but with Arnie and Danny DeVito. Holy shit, I bet that was the pitch. We're going to make 260 million

is what someone then said. Anyway, that's enough of the 1988 American buddy comedy film Twins. It's time to get on with the quick fire round. Don't get me started. Don Junior The 1994 American science fiction comedy film

Starring Arnie and Danny Tevito No that is for another time Let's just get on The Quick Fire Rack

I can also recommend kindergarten car Martin. Here's the Quick Fire Round. Oh, funny. Beautiful. Yes, indeed. This is the Quick Fire Round.

And as our show is all about roast dinners, I'm going to ask our panellists to take their answer to the carvery and carve them up. I'd like you to put every syllable in the wrong order. Yeah, I know. I know, Clarkie. Not at this stage of the night.

It'd be tough enough to open this. We're closing with it. Instead of buzzer. I'd like you to shout out your first names. Ben and Stu, let's hear yours. Ben. Sutcliffe. Stuart.

In the wrong order, please. And Chloe and Tom? Chloe. Tom. Fantastic. Off we go. According to the famous Christmas song, what was found roasting on an open fire?

Stuart. Go on Stuart. Nutchest. It's correct. Which staple of the roast. You're like to say that anymore. Yes. Which staple of the roast dinner

is typically made, sorry about this of batter Chloe Chloe Dingpud Sher York Oh yes please Sounds even more delicious When you say it

The Yeoman Ward is at the Tower of London A famously known by which meat-related nickname Tom Stuart Eat Beef uh Thank you very much What was the name of the coffee shop

That featured in the TV show Friends Chloe Chloe Uh Park Troll Sent. Is correct. Now in the Netflix series

that stars Stephen Yang and Ali Wong in season one and stars Oscar I can carry money. Ben. Beef. Is correct. Which? My kind of an answer. I always put one in for Clarke.

One syllable, I know he's watching it. Thanks, mate. Which pop star requested to be roasted on Comedy Central for his 21st birthday? Stuart. Be just... Uh, uh, uh, bur in. Is correct.

Yes. Uh, named after, uh, named after, uh, the effort we're putting in for what we're getting back is just, just a bit of fun in it. Just a bit of fun.

Just a bit of fun, guys. Uh, we, named after the fruit accompaniment to Turkey, which band had hits in the 1990s was Stuart? Yes. Yes. Yes. Rees. Yeah. Is correct.

Yes. Um, um, yeah. What is the name for the Christmas Delicest? of sausages wrapped in bacon. Tom. Tom. In Pigskett, Blan.

Is correct, and that is our round, folks. It's the end of the round and the end of the game. So before we find out the final scores, Stu and Chloe, anything to plug. Chloe, you're selling a sofa, aren't you? I put that on the street.

Did you really? Yes. Oh, street sofa. So, um, what's... Street sofa. Street sofa. Starring, Matthew Crosby. Street sofa. Street offer. He's inside it, you wouldn't know. Street offer. It's not a bad idea, actually.

Wait, but somebody's... You know what? That's not a bad idea. I'm hiding inside a sofa on the street. Co-starring Danny DeVito. Danny DeVito. Yeah. Me and Danny are inside a sofa. We could both fit. Very comfortably.

You don't even know each of each. We don't know each other. Someone sits on the sofa. We both hop out and interview them. So that's what Matthew has to plug. So I'm plugging that. Chloe, where can people find you? Where can people see you?

Where can people see your comedy? At Chloe Badcliffe on all socials. On all socials, yeah. Do check out, Chloe. Absolutely fantastic comedian. I mean, some spicy views, but apart from that, the comedy's very strong.

If a Brit had said it, you would have been fine with it. It's the accent, I know. That's her catchphrase. Street sofa. And what about you is to you, where can people find you? So I'm producing some branded content,

Street Sofa? Yes indeed. It's on YouTube premium. Just, I'm doing a fringe show again, I guess. Leg joggle your way there. I tell you what, it's going to take off eventually. Keep plugging away. It's a real custard boat, wait.

It's a real custard boat. Thanks to all of you. It's not quite farting the pee, but it is a custard boat. Thanks to all of you guys for watching and for you watching at home. As always, check out our Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash Pappies Flatshare. Like, subscribe, rate and review our podcast

or recommend the podcast to all of your friends. Should we tell them about our history project that we do? Pappies versus Battle of the Boyne. It's a new podcast that we're working on, so I download that wherever you get your podcasts. It's quite short, mercifully short. Yeah. We actually need a radiographer for it.

That's right. We do. Okay, so producer Gwyn, let us now hear. The final score. The score, sponsored by YouTube Premium are Tom and Kelly have 29 and Ben and Stewart have 37. Wow.

So, Chloe and Tom are cooking the roast whilst, unbelievably, Clarkie and stew are coming with me to the surgery where I'm getting the pass, isn't it? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Can't believe it. guys, I'm getting it. I'm finally getting it. Thanks to our guest, Chloe Raggly and Stuart Laws. We have been Pappies. See you next time on Flat Shair Slendown. Pappy's Flat Shared Slendown featured Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Hary with special guest, Stuart Laws and Chloe Radcliffe.

It was advised by Pappies and Ben Walker. It was recorded, introduced by Olivia Squash and Grimmie Davis with video help from Max Brill. We thank you everyone at the Phoenix. Thank you. headby on the door and to all the wonderful folks who came today's show and to you at home for watching and listening. Pap me slash yes, standout is a secret news production for Megaphone. Cheers, everyone.

Bye! There we go. Another fine one for the books. Is that you or the wall talking there? Another absolutely okay one. Yeah. I think it's hard to know where you end and the wall begins. If that's the sort of thing that you think is worth travelling for,

then that's the sort of thing you think's worth travelling for, basically. Okay, well, anyway, have a good time. Sports on Patreon. We can't do it without the support of our patrons.

We've got to pay for Paris' trade. It'd be nice if you did. I can't retract that immediately. We've got it on tape. Olivia bleep that bit out. That bit's gone. That bit's going.

Yeah, support is on Patreon. Not only do you get a bonus episode. Every week. Papi's Pop-Ract. You also get the warm feeling. You're on them, mate. You're not on the name of it. You also get the warm feeling of supporting your boys on their journey

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We would like more listeners. like your good selves. The walls left a review. They're not helpful. They're not helpful. The walls written, we don't need no education. We will be tearing it down very soon. Okay, folks.

Okay. All right. All right. Well, have a lovely time. We will see you next time round on Flat Share Slamdown. But for now, this episode was produced by Olivia Swash, producer Gwyn.

Katie was on the door. Hello. So all three of them. Cheers, everyone. Bye!