Pappy's Flatshare - Pappy's Flatshare Slamdown Ep 1636: Celya AB & John Robins

Episode Date: October 6, 2026

This month we're joined by old friends Celya AB and John Robins. Pappy's Flatshare Slamdown is a silly panel show, recorded in front of a live audience and hosted by Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry-Wicks. John Robins - https://www.instagram.com/nomadic_revery/?hl=en Celya AB - https://www.instagram.com/abcelya/?hl=en https://www.tiktok.com/@abcelyacomedy Pappy's - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/ https://www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshare Support us on Patreon - patreon.com/pappysflatshare PAPPY'S FLATSHARE SLAMDOWN IS LIVE AND LIVE STREAMED THIS MONTH Penultimate Show EVER! On Monday 12th October we have our Halloween Special at the Cheerful Earful Festival at the Bedford pub in Balham - come along to the show or watch it on live stream. Find tickets at https://pappyscomedy.com/live WITH SPECIAL GUESTS ANIA MAGLIANO & SPENCER JONES So get your tickets TODAY!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Greetings listener here. I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappies. Flat Share, slam down. Absolutely always an exciting episode when we do a flagship show here at the Phoenix. Yes, indeed.

We had two wonderful guests. We had the one and only Cellia A-B. And the several times and only John Robbins. That's right, yes. Celia's been on the show a couple of times before. It's a third appearance, but it's John Robbins. Forty-five appearances, I believe, now, yeah. What times are you?

actually. Yeah, yeah. It's been present more times. Yeah, certainly. That's true.

That's true of Celia as well. That's true. Yeah. It was a tremendous fun. We're here. You know, the audience have left.

We're here in the Phoenix. The, you can still feel the atmosphere that we created. It's really tangible, I'd say. Really tangible. The atmosphere you created

in this room. It was a very magical night and we are delighted to share it with you. If, if you enjoy these live recordings, then you know what? You've got two big chance

to come and see us before the end of the year. October, on October the 12th, we're going to be at the cheerful, earful comedy festival. Yes. The Bedford in Ballam. And it's always a treat to be at the Bedford. It's a fantastic pub.

It's a fantastic podcast festival. And it's a Halloween special, so there'll be fancy dress. Yes. There'll be spooky things happening. There will be spooky things. If you like spooky things, if you like fancy dress,

if you like us, then you don't want to miss it. It's the 12th of October. And we've also got Anya Magliano and Spencer Jones as well. Two superb guests. So get your fancy dress on. Get your fancy dress on. Get your tickets.

But I'll tell you what, buy the tickets first. You don't need to be in fancy. Listen, we don't know what you're wearing when you buy the tickets. Commit to buy the tickets. Do it in fancy dress, please. Absolutely. Get your fancy dress on. Buy the tickets.

Leave that fancy dress on until the 12th October. And then arrive stinking to the Bedford Inbalam for the cheerful, earful comedy festival. We're also going to be doing our Christmas show. Oh, our flagship Christmas show. It's flags on flags, isn't it? You better be saluting listening to this, the number of flags that are flying. It's our flagship show,

and it's our flagship flagship show. Absolutely. And not only that, it is our biggest ever Christmas gig. We're going to be at the Clapham Grand on December the 8th. Yes. Yeah, correct.

You were bang on, man. Yeah. Guests to be announced, but it'll also be a very special show because it will be our 15th ever Christmas show, which means we've been doing this for 15 years, and it will also be our last. live flat slam recording.

So we are going to be carrying on podcasting together, but we're going to be changing up the format and we're not going to be doing live flat slams anymore. So this is our chance to go out on a massive high at the Clapham Grand. Yes. Let's all get high, man. Absolutely.

If you've never... Hang on. I'm not sure. That's what I said. Yeah, pretty sure. Pretty sure. Although it's pretty hard to see on the balcony. So please, if you want to go up top, please do.

Yeah, if you've never been to a flat share slam done before, those are the last two chances you're ever going to get. October the 12th and of course, December the 8th. Bedford and Ballam, Clapham, we would love to see you there. And if you've never been to the Clapham Grand before, it's your chance to go to the Clapham Grand.

I was a flagship venue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're absolutely right. Clapham's flagship venue returns. It's been away for a while. It has been away. There was a period when they toured the Clapham Grand like they did be in the Commons tomb. They took the Clapham Grand all over,

They took it overseas for a bit, no, it's back. It's back where it belongs in Clapham. And boy, boy, if I can describe it in one word, it's grand. It's flagship. It's absolutely flag. But enough of that, let's get on with this. What if this, Tom? That's quite good.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big news. The next Flat Shire slam down will be live streamed. Yes, you can come along to the Bedford in Ballam on October the 12th, but you could also watch it live from the comfort of. your own home. That's October the 12th. It's the show with Anya Magliano and Spencer Jones. It's going to be a

big one. You don't want to miss it. And now you have no excuse. Go to pappiescomedy.com for slash live, click on the same link and it will take you to the option to buy the live stream. We would love to see you there. We would love to not see you, but for you to see us there. That's how a live stream works. Anyway, on with the show. Tom, Ben! What is it, Matthew? Yeah, what is it, my boy? Well, listen, my boys.

It absolutely stinks in here. Luckily, I've got this scented candle. In fact, it's one of those Gwyneth Paltrow candles. But I only had a quid, so Savit's the one that smells like her left kneecap. One of you two, one of you two needs to like this scented candle.

Oh, it's not going to be me, Matthew. No? No, I actually bought a... a scented candle, like a knock-off one for the market, and half of it wasn't scented. It's terrible, but you know what? Actually, didn't smell half bad. What we're witnessing here is a crowd making up its mind on the fly.

But remember, guys, if that's not your humour, none of this will. Do the one you rejected. Go on, do the one you rejected, Clarkie. Well, if you like that one. I've had a company that does request, you can request the scent for your scented candle and I'll do anything. So I requested Dwayne Johnson in his kitchen

because then I can finally smell what the rock is cooking. Do you know what? Once again, the audience proves Clarkie was wrong. Tom, what about you? Well, it's not going to be me, Matthew, because as my favourite poem says, I burn my candle at both ends It may not last the night

But are my friends and oh my foes Holy shit my bed's on fire! Well there's only one way we're going to settle this We're going to have to have a Flat Shire Slampdown And welcome to Flat Share Slamdown The panel show that says And it seemed to me

You lived your life like a candle near the bin I'm hosting landlord Matthew Crosby Let's meet the lads who get right on my wick It's Tom Perry and of course Benedict Clark But you can't light it on your own. Who can hold a candle to you tonight, Tom? Well, Matthew, the jamborees in danger.

No. Yes. We've had to call for an Entente Cordial, which is my favourite type of squash. And here to drink it with me is Celia, Abee. Celia, what a joy to have you back on the show. It's a real delight. Now, what do you like to live with currently?

Because we've asked you this question before. What do you like to live with in 2026, Year of Our Lord? Do you want a very recent answer? I want the most recent answer you can give me. I want it right now. Okay. When I was 10 years old, I discovered my favorite author

that would take me through my twin age years and teenagers. Her name is Amelina Auton. She's from Belgium. She wrote a book. in which she describes herself as a tunnel. She describes all bodies as just tunnels. It's a very beautiful book. It touched me, it moved me.

On a reread, not great. And I'm just today recovering from food poisoning. So what it's like to live with me over the last two days has been me in my bedroom, texting my flightmate, asking her kindly to leave the part. that she's at to bring me a glass of iced water. But generally, I'm a lovely girl to live with.

I keep to myself, I'm very clean. Not that clean currently, but so, yes. Oh, I'm completely recovered. Oh, good, because I shook your hand at the start of this, and I'm really, really regretted it. Listen, I'm quick to pull out of stuff. You and me both. I would say, I would describe myself as,

That's a disgusting joke about cum. We've got some nice ones coming up later, don't worry. It's a disgusting joke. There's a lady on the panel. Respect yourself. Pop your little tunnel away, Tom. I've never even seen it. What gave you food poisoning, do you know?

So this is what I'm trying to work out because me and my flatmate had the same kebab, but she was fine. But I'm the only one that had burger sauce on it. And when I asked for the Burgessels, he really, really moved it. Like, he came from the bottom of 1985. And I reckon that's why he gave it to me. But just generally to live with, I am tidy.

I am clean. I like to, what do I do? Oh, I do have little rules. Do you remember that rule about the toilet? Yeah, seat always down. See it always down. That's your rule, which seems impractical. Seat always down because of you don't want the energy of the toilet to permeate into the house.

Hang on, how do you go to the toilet? In the system. Oh, nice. I go outside. No, I pull it up and then I put it down. And I would say my number one thing at the minute is I am very scared of mice. I hate those little guys. Yeah.

I hate them so much. What do you hate about them? I don't like the fact that they're... So this is what I'm... If I was a mouse... Yeah. And I'll admit that's a big if. But if I was...

Gorgeous Beyonce song, that. It's good. This is good. Thank you, so yeah. This is good. It's relatable. It's relatable. It's relatable, isn't it?

If I was a mouse, I understand that, like, in terms of height, they must think of us as not beings. They must think of us as, like, the weather. Yeah. If you're, yeah, you're right, Because you change everything in their, you know,

if you're stomping around, it's changing everything in their atmosphere. Yes, because they're scared of a cat. Or it could be like we're a big animal. But there's no big animal that's, to us, there's no animal that's big like a mouse is small. What about Godzilla? Does that make sense? Godzilla is that big?

Godzilla's that big. And look what we did to that guy. I know. But I feel like a mouse is scared of a cat because a cat is a horse to a mouse. Yeah. It's just getting the old saying, isn't it? I just go get my notepad out.

Yes, keep talking. But what I'm thinking is, why are they in my house when I'm clearly the weather? Yeah. Okay. And in the last two days, a mudslide. Yeah.

No. Tom, that is a disgusting joke about poo. So please. No. It was all a ton of all. It was all vomiting. And see, now you fancy me. And now I'm fine. Well, you look great.

Thank you. And it's lovely to have you here. I'm so, this is, remember last time me and Jen were saying this is the best podcast of all time? Yeah, it was a good one last time, wasn't it? No, but we still talk about it. There's still every chance you'll have an uptake. No, it's, it is a good podcast.

We still talk about it. We still talk about it. was the best podcast of all time. Is Gin alright with the fact you're doing it without? Gin, so I haven't told him I'm doing this, but is it crazy to say I've re-listened back to the episodes? Is it crazy to say? Did you listen back to it?

I listened back to it and I was like, I was like, the chemistry is incredible. I feel like I've joined a Netflix series like two, three sort of seasons in. The law is too deep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the way you think is, you've done this Netflix series more than anybody else

has done this Netflix series. You almost have it as many times. as we have. Anyway, whose voice was that, Ben? That's John Robbins. John Robbins is here. John, it's great to have you back on the show.

So that stuff at the start isn't on the show? No. All the great stuff about the table. Yeah. The great stuff about the table, yeah. That's a little incentive. We'll leave this bit in to encourage people to come along with here

the live show. You get a bit of extra stuff where John talks about a table. And everyone has to come. Try. Hello, Matthew. Hello, John. How are you?

What kind of a person are you, John, to live with? Well, a little bit stressed at the minute because not dissimilar to Celia, I have an infestation. I have pretty special infestation. I have glisk-glis.

What's that? How is that? Who is that? So, glisk-glis, also known as the edible door mouse. What? What? You can eat them.

Yes. Well, the Romans ate them on skewers. So if you look at a map... What is happening. The story gets weirder. If you look at a map of the distribution of glis-glis, it's continental Europe and then a 10-mile radius of Tring in Buckingish. What?

It's on Wikipedia. It's like this big red sway across Europe and then a dot. in the UK because the Roths childs. Oh no. Here we go. We're not that type of podcast, mate, okay? That's just the podcast we listen to. Papinometry.

Papinometry, of course, yes. We're all Francis Foster. Yeah. We all just sit there saying nothing. Can I just say I'm not Francis Foster? Oh, no, no, no, yeah. Thank you. Yes, okay.

I'm also not Francis Foster. No, shit. I'm not Francis Foster and so. my wife. It's an audio medium, isn't it? So we need to get everyone in the room to do that. Everyone needs to, yeah, yeah. So the Rothschilds had a private sort of zoo in the 1920s or whatever, and the Gliss escaped. What kind of a zoo is showing tiny mice that the Romans ate? That was the catering. So now they're sort of endemic, is that the word, endemic in Buckinghamshire, and they're very difficult to get rid of,

especially when they move into a sealed void in your dormer window, which I got the pest control people out. They're really nice. So they're like they're inside the window, like it, like an ant farm. You can see them, but you can't get around. No, they're above a little roof.

Oh, okay, yeah. But the pest guy came around and he, you know, we're all tunnels. Yes. So so is a roof. But not tunnels that are sort of six foot two pest control that can get in. So he said the only way is to soar a hole in your roof and like go up and grab them. Have you not got like a ladder that goes up to the attic or something like that?

Yeah, but they're not in the attic. They're in the roof roof. They're in the little void. The glist glitz are in the roof roof. So I basically have to. And the problem is if we stuffed up all the holes they would just starve to death. I like to stuff.

So that's where I'm at. So you've got to find out a humane way of removing all of the glist glist. There is no humane way, unfortunately. Well, they starve them. But then they would make it. Hoover. Hoover. Hoover with a big accentron it.

Hoover. Hoover. Hoover. Hoover. Hoover. Hoover. Hoover. The gliss gliss in the roof.

It's going on. Like in Ghostbusters. It's how you're picturing? You must have seen a knockoff version, I think. If they're hoovered mice out of a roof at the end instead of the tape up marshmallow man, then yeah. That sounds like a DVD my dad would bring back from Algeria. It's the brute language.

It's basically the same thing. It's basically the same thing. So you're, well, I'm glad you're able to get here to get away from the gliss gliss. So one final element is, which ties up what we were talking about earlier that won't be on this podcast, is because of the noise they make wakes me up, I have to wear earplugs,

but when I'm listening to Charlie and the chocolate factory, I have to play it really loud to hear it through the earplugs. So I'm kind of like blasting out, roll-dull, full-cast audio books until about one in the morning. John, you've got a terrible life. Can I just say? You can say whatever you like, of course. We have mice at the minute.

And the guy that came in to, I was going to say, check it out, but that's not right. A cool American guy came to check it out He said he just put down poison And he was like do you want them to go in a In a human way because we can do that And look I am a nice person but I was like Honestly do whatever's needed

Because the last time I had my My old landlord in Birmingham told me to grab a knife And then he said you don't have to use the knife Them seeing you with the knife was scared Why is the weather holding a knife? Well, we have met our guests, and I'm already deeply dim-cheek about them. It smells like it's time to play round one. Here we go.

Wax! Look a guy! What is a good bomb? Manufacturing candles. Say it again now. Wax. Look a guy. What is good for smelly, smelly candles.

Whiff it now. Oh, yes. Beautiful. Oh, yes, please. So this is round one, and the first round is called Scented from my iPhone. I am going to ask... It's lovely stuff.

It's not a lot. Thank you so much. Just wait until you hear the rules. I'm excited about them. Just rewrote them. I'm going to ask each player to imagine they are a celebrity sending a voicemail. Okay?

So I'd like you to do that voicemail as the celebrity in the best approximation of their voice. It's up to your teammate to guess who the celebrity is. Okay, now you can't use their name, obviously. We're assuming they've already got their number. But obviously the content of the voice note can indicate who they are. Okay.

If your teammate guesses them correctly, they win two points. Tom, you are up first. Here are your five celebs. And I should probably tell you there's a crucial rule here. You can't just voice note any old message. It has to be about a candle-related topic. In this case, you're inviting someone to a birthday party.

This is you. Five celebs, five voice notes, all party invites. Celia, you are guessing the celebs. Off we go, Tom Parry. Please come to my party. leave your cloak at the door. I'm happy with that. I'm happy with it as well.

I'm happy with that as well, man. That's it. Can you do like five minutes more? If you come, I will consider you faithful. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't be left on the fringe and arrive at my house. Soon. let's dance at the party

with me twinkle twinkle is is correct absolutely right okay is it fair to say oh Louis de Roos yes

amazing oh I'm having a party why don't you come and fist me is that um i hope i'm saying jaba don't know it's not it's not jeb of um could i

gee oh oh whoa whoa oh that's yes why don't you come along um and um i know this is good right yes oh thank you in which case then you don't know

no no no no no no i know this is good we won't be serving bacon sandwiches because my girlfriend doesn't like that But you can You can fist me So, okay, so just to check, it's not Luytharu again

Oh, you'll be green with envy if you don't come to my party, so hop, hop, up, hop along to my party and fist me Can I just, it's not, it's not, it's not, I don't, it's so much.

Hop along to my party. You'll be green with envy. Is it? Okay, I know it's not this. Okay, I'm going to stop it there. My guest, me and me. Yes, okay, I know it's not. I think it's a really good impression,

but I can't think of the name or who it is. Okay. I'm going to throw it. I think it's, is it David Attenborough? No. He loves being fisted. We know that. I'll throw it to the other team.

It's Curbett at the frog. It's Curbitt at the frog. Of course it is. Two points to the other team. Oh, but I've never even met that guy. Come to my party. Drink lots of wine. Smoke, fags, have a good time.

It's in the summer. Is that Graham Norton? Is that a good idea? I like that. Come to the party. We'll drink, coke, wine, fag, shak, fuck, have a good time. David Burns. It's in the summer.

And I'm a very spoiled child. about it actually. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie X, EX. Yes. It's correct. Very good. That was like she was in the room.

Now, come to me party. I will say this. Is that Chris Cantrell? The birthday cake, it is dry and it needs to have better texture. Yes. Fantastic. I thought it's ugly burden.

Eight points. Eight points to sell you and of course two for stealing care of at the frog. Congratulations. We're going to move over to John now. John, those are your five celebs. Now, Clarkie, you are guessing. So you don't have to mention candles?

In that instance, it was birthday party, but you have to convey not only who they are, but the fact, candle-related, that they're all trapped in a branch of wicks. We're moving further and further away, but still, the theme still works. Clarkie, your guess, the point still stands. The point still stands, everybody. The point still stands. But will they score any points? Let's find out.

First, voice note, please. Oh, he's standing away from the mic. So, we're all trapped in this wicks, and it's full of people who work in the television industry. I'm not going to say too much about... When he hosts the Serious podcast. I'm not going to say too much about what I really think about them, even though I know all their secrets,

but Marina, what do you think? She's got his name. How can you forget his fucking name? Can we say it? It's in every Tesco. Is Marina trapped in the wicks with him? Yes.

The note of that. Extra. Extra points. Do we wait for him to try and figure out and then we can say. I can't remember. Can I say Richard Osman? It's Richard Osmond.

I could have done more clues. I know. Oh, my, my eyes. I knew it was. You're in real trouble here, John. I'm not good with names. Oh, yeah, it's me. I'm not good with names.

It's not great to hear in this round. Ah. Wait till the next round. I'm not going to sing it either. And I'm not too good with popular culture. Is that the impression? No. Is it Richard Osmond?

Are you then? Okay. You can do this. Hmm. You can come back to it. Uh, oh God. Well, how, wow. Well, how, howdy?

But, where, where in the hell am I? My buddy's too boodilicious to be in here. Beyonce. Yeah. He's Beyonce. Can I say, you navigated that expertly, actually. I was so close to say Woody from Toy Story. Funny you should say that

because I was born in a place quite similar to this when I fell out of my bucks and flew down the aisles. Oh, it's supposed to hear. Yeah, I'm sort of not really leaving voice messages. Wix hasn't been mentioned once. He did fly down the aisles. He did, famously. Was Marina in the aisles?

Make it know. Okay, Ben, I want you. you to listen really carefully because this is something a lot of people don't understand. If you take your loyalty cards to the wicks, I'm trapped in. You are, as a customer, guaranteed 50% savings. And a lot of people forget this. And I wish the government would remind people that they have a right. And if people contact you saying they're going to charge you $4.99 for your loyalty card,

it's not true. It's fake. This is free. It's a government service. That's really good. That's good. It's a real shame I don't remember his name. I'm fucking kidding me. It's excellent. Go on, you can do it, you can do it. What's his name?

Yes, that's the game. That's the game. I do 40,000 steps a day and I can't believe I've ended up here. It's in six words if that helps you. What? Am I thinking of the right guys? You did all of his middle names? I saw my...

Martin Lewis. Yes. It was Martin Lewis. It was in the depth. Oh, corkin. Blimey. Oh, it's great to be here. I've been here for...

Daddy Dyer. Yeah. Oh, fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was great. Yep, yep, yeah.

That was really, really good. Well done. Well done to John. And almost well done to Ben. Next up, Celia. You've got five celebs, all of whom are leaving a voice note for an old flame.

Okay, Celia. You're doing the voice notes. Tom, you're guessing. off we go. An old flame. Okay, I have an accent by default. Someone just put...

With boiler cam. We also... So, all of these characters will have spent a lot of time in France. Okay. This is... You're going to break the phone.

Can you tell this is a piano? Come down. I'm at Glastonbury and I miss you Are you Alton John? Yes! Synchronicity This next one will be my own voice

You're really getting to the spirit of the game I love it Can people with accents not do accents? Is it hard? It's really hard. The only impression I can do is Janice Joplin in Mercedes-Benz. Okay, Tom.

Pretend you didn't hear that? Let's hear it. Let's hear Janice Joplin do Well, really? Yeah, go on. You can't say the only impression I can do but I'm not going to do it for giving out. Okay, so lower your expectations.

Don't worry, you've already done that for us. Couldn't she be telling an old flame about her new car? Oh, yeah. Oh, Lord. Bloody hell, it's how you're like a job? Can you buy me? A Mercedes-Benz. My friends are all my four jees.

I must make amends. That's not bad. That's not bad. That's not bad. What's hard all my life and no help from my friends. It's not bad. Not bad at all. Thank you.

Yeah, I'm going to give you a bonus point for that. Thank you. Do you want the next one? I'd love the next one. Yeah, let's do it. Oh, God. What do it? Ooh.

You like I like honey. And not wearing trousers. Are you winning the clothes? Yeah. Great. a new thing. Yeah. My name is

hmm, hmm. Don't forget you're sending it to an old flame. They know your name already. Can I buy you a drink?

James Bond. Turned out the impression was good enough on its own. You didn't you say shaken not stirred. And also how does the point

my name is hmm. Doesn't even fit James James Bond. My name is James Bond. My name is James Bond. James Bond.

James. I've got glisklyss in my roof room. That's my favourite type of jokes. James Bond. Okay, you've got... For the next one, all respect to this person. Yeah, big time. And all the people.

Oh, no, I don't want to do this one. No? Okay, I'll do them. Edge cheer. Oh, no. When you find out the name, this is the polar opposite. It's not Netanyahu. It would be very un-pappies to have that in the mix.

Real curable. It's a bit edgier, yeah. Had Netanyahu written in Ariel 12. Oh no. They're not in camps. Just below James Bond. What voice that we do? If he was going to get a bit sexy, come on, tell us.

Okay, okay, this is the voice. Okay. I'm a hero, and I love you so much. And I am from the same country as, I think, Bjork. Is this how you would chat up an old flame? Are you Greta Turnbull? Yes, Greta Thunberg. Yes, it is indeed Greta Thunberg. Last one, last one.

Okay. Okay, let me get into the... I thought I'd completely derailed it by not doing the voicemails, but then I realized you're not in Wix as well. She's just like, why isn't she mentioning Wix? Well, because you didn't, you big idiot. Okay. This one is a hard one because a lot of people have a good impression of this person.

Okay. It's there in your, again. What does he say? Oh, oh. Oh, I think I know that. Yeah, Greta Toonberg's back. Oh, I miss you so, I miss you so much. Oh, I love.

I love you, like I like hosting a new show that I'm hosting. Josh, Josh Whitaker. Can I just say, Robbins had it on the... Yeah. And then you did the next line and he crossed it out. And then you did the next one. He was like, oh no, yeah, we'll see. Finally, Clarkie, you are going to close us off

with your five celebrity voice notes. Okay, now, John, you are guessing. Now, Clarkie, continuing the candle. Adjacent theme. Oh, yes. These five celebs are all letting us know they're about to get waxed. Oh.

So. In wicks. Waxed in wicks. Waxed in wicks. Wix. Because the candle wick. Yeah. Right.

Do you know what? Marky, you two deserve each other. You really do. It's always because you can buy candles in wicks. Which you might not be able to. I didn't get that either. Oh. This is on the writing.

Yeah. Blame me. Okay, Clarkie. So there's five celebs all about to get waxed. John, you have to guess who these soon, soon-to-be-smooth celebs are. Ah, let's find out. Here I am.

David Attenborough. Sorry, I did this last time. I'm trying to win too much. Do more humor before I get it. Oh, you've not been on a team with me before. Yeah. Yeah, eight times. And I never let you breathe.

Well, I'm going, I'm going for a wax. Can it? Is that Mickey Mouse? I'm going for a wax, which is ridiculous because I'm already completely smooth down there. Keep talking. A very limited edition action man. And I'm going to see my boyfriend.

Oh, is it Barbie? Yes. It's Barbie. A very limited. I can't imagine females. It's men and camp men. Okay, big boy. Here we go.

Oh, it's good. I'm going down to the waxing place. Is it a salon? I don't know. Going down to the waxing place. McIntyre. What is this? What is this?

How long has this wax been here? This is disgusting! Oh my God! Oh, I can't even eat this wax. It's absolutely disgusting. Huh? Big boy! Come on. You must know this.

Oh, is he the guy in the beer garden? He's a bit toxic. What, you in 2017? This place is an absolute nightmare. It's hell. Oh, Gordon Ramsey. It's Ramsey. It is Randy.

Two more to go. Yes. I'm going down to the waxing. Attenborough's back. I won't do it myself, but my fingers... It's a bit hard. It's the right honourable, his venerable King Charles. It is his venerable King Prince Charles.

Of course it is, yes. A bit of Hugh Grant in there, as well. Yeah, very, very good. I had Saddam. I was saying. We've heard that room out but let's get back to the found him in a tunnel, didn't you?

Why is Tom so horny tonight? I can't think why, Selia. Okay, last one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how he sounds, but here we go. Right. We're all going down to

the waxing salon. It's going to be a massive challenge. Are we going to ask the waxing salon to wax 500... No. I think I'm American, actually. I'm going to ask the waxing salon to wax 5,000... Is that Trump? Kids.

Is it Mr. Beast? It is Mr. Beast. Yes. I would never have got that. Congratulations. So I think did... you get one of theirs and they got one of yours it's gonna be even points isn't it

that's good so at the end of that round producer Connor please please do an impression of yourself reading out of text telling us the scores LMA just a quick update Tom and Celia have 23 and Ben and John have 18

Whoa How did that happen Yes Tom and Celia are in the lead But will they be flaming ahead Find out we'll return in part two See you in a bit Visit BetMGM casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick.

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Someone has bought, someone bought two Shofa Hoffers without realizing that they're grapefruit. So now I am with Shofa Hoffa. Oh, I thought of a joke about Shofa. Okay, here we go. Hang, let me think how you'd phrase it. Yeah, don't be there this, mate. It's going to be great. Ask me if I like it.

Hey, John, do you like Shofa? Yeah, big fan of the Goonies, yeah. I love it. Don't mind it. Love it. Anyone else got a Schofa Hoffa joke? Right. Well, should we crack on with the show.

Wait. Today's show's brought you by Schafer. We should say that as well. Can I put myself a challenge? Yes. I'll come up with one before the end of the record. Okay, absolutely, yeah.

I like the way you call it record, as in like it's an LP. Sorry, is this not Taskmaster? My friend was German, and he used to drive Dave Hasselhoff places. Yes? Yeah, he'd Schofa Hoffa here and there.

Oh, very good. Shofa here and there. What's really annoying is that that's the joke I was coming up where? No, it's going to be a French thing in it. Well, we look forward to that later in the show. Welcome back to Flashet Slamdown. Whoa, baby. Long first half, wasn't it?

Wasn't it a long first half? Yes, indeed. That's the spirit, Tom. Before the break, the long and strong Tom Parry and of course Selly A, B, we're in the lead. The scores haven't moved, and neither has my need for someone to light my scented candle. By the way, inspired by Gwyneth,

I'm bringing out my own scented candle. It's called, this candle is shaped like my penis. I say candle, it's more of a tea light. But never mind that now. It's time for round two, flat game. Games! Let's play together. Games!

Let's play forever. Roll the dice, spin that thing. Do as you told. Games! If you lose you get nothing. Games, if you win you get gold, gold, gold, gold! Oh, listen to that! Oh my god.

Listen to that. It's amazing. Who's gonna blink first? I saw the audience. I think we were snubbed at the golden lobes. I know, I know. Who else has got that going on at the lobes, eh? I know, I know. Maybe we wanted it too much.

I was expecting a lifetime achievement award. I know, I know. We didn't even win Best RIF. Yes, it's flat games. Best RIF? I know. That's a category, is it? The Lobes.

Do you know who won that? Eddie Van Halen. Anyway... Bam, bam. Not him. Anyway, we're playing flat games now, guys, so please can we take this seriously? This week,

this week we're playing our version of Mia Culper, which we're calling Mama Mia Culper. See if anyone can work out what the game is, just from that. I'd like you to sing about a famous crime to the tune of a song by Abba. Of course I would. It's perfect.

It's absolutely perfect. Well, you know what? It's so perfect. See you next year at the lobes. There's one point for a correct guess and I'm hopping 10 points for performance, so I really want you to make it feel like I'm standing in a shed in East London

watching a hologram. Let's start with Ben. Oh, don't start with me. There's your famous crime. You're going to be singing along to the tune of Waterloo by Abba, okay. I don't have to guess. the crime, this is just a general vibe.

You have to guess the crime. You literally have to guess the crime. You slightly. Something you jump to get in my next line, but John, what famous crime has been singing about? I have to come up with the crime. You've got to guess the crime. Turns out I have to guess the crime as well.

Oh no. Oh no, I know. It's not a bad crime, is it? No, no, no. You've gone for light crimes. They're light crimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool stuff, man.

Yeah, they're. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. There's nothing to... Yeah. I don't... Yeah, anyway, listen. You've got to go.

So we can take out two. What? Two violent crimes. We can take out two crimes that won't be in the deal. Let's not list them. Just for now, we can all just imagine them in our heads.

Anyway, let's play... And keep imagining those crimes. As we enjoy. Now you've got that mental picture. So, Clarkie, you're singing Waterloo. John, what famous crime is Ben singing about? DJ Colourke. Thank you for the music.

I don't. I don't know what this crime is really about. Oh no. Oh no. Is it about someone stealing Brinksma? Somebody's garden. Westmoreland Affair. Was he a boxer?

Was he a boxer when someone stole his garden? I don't think so. I need to think long and hard. about this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. They were a bunch of people. Yeah, you got it. You got it, yeah, yeah. It was a group of people and they pulled them. They pulled on a thing. Can we steal?

Together they panted. Well, let them finish the song for goodness sake. They planned the thing. They planned a thing and executed it together. 9-11. Okay, I'm going to execute you in a second. Clarkie, everybody, Clarkie. Clarkie. Before you steal, I know you're obsessed

with crime, Tom. You want to steal. Before you steal, John, have you got any idea what... Your Brinks Matt trigger by the way is ready, isn't it? I'm ready to go Brinks Matt. Brinks Matt came so hard and so early. It wasn't the Brinks' job. It was a different crime. Have you got any idea what crime

it was? They were a group of people and they pulled off a thing. Which sounds incredibly painful. When he said that, I think. thought 9-11, but that's... Was that one of the two? I would put it at three. It's some kind of...

I think it's some kind of... Is it some kind of diamond heist that's got a specific name? Yes, it was a heist. Do you know what it was? Hatten Garden? It was Hatten Garden, of course it was. Oh, shit.

When a bunch of old boys knocked off the jewelers in Hat and Garden, it was... They made two different movies about it, Clarkie. It was pretty famous. I've not seen these of those films. Okay, well, it was also in real life as well. I have also not aware of that either.

Sorry, I'm not much of a movie buff, I'm afraid. It was a thing that happened. These are all from real life. Unlike 9-11. Okay. So obviously, I'm going to give you the point there. Tom, you get the one point there for... In fact, I might even give you points for performance as well.

Because I can't give him to Clarkie. It's one point, of course, to Tom Perry. I'm going to give you seven out of ten for a wonderful performance despite not knowing what was going on. Selia, you have indeed the titular Mamma Mia. Now, you're going to be singing about a famous crime. Tom, what is the crime? Celia, do you recognise the crime?

Because if you recognise the crime, you've got to do the time. Do you have an idea of what that is? No, but we'll figure it out. Okay, that's good. May I also say that I listen back to Mamma Mia today I don't remember really how the verses go So this is going to be No idea of the song, no idea of the crime

Okay This is how we play This is how we play Mamma Mia come We're going to get a visit from Mrs Improv Okay Fucking alive Is Mrs Improve in the room as well

Is that possible I hope the lopes aren't listening Yeah I know God darned Tom That perfect was premature wasn't it it's a perfect title okay here we go

so DJ Connor if I've not thanked you already please thank you thank you for the music it's not yet I listened back to it today he was eating a meal and it was very good

but he said it in other words wasn't an English meal no was it a French meal ah he said he was very good and then they said no you can't have that and then they put the things around his wrists which means he's got arrested for eating a very nice meal oh no it was very good mama me yeah well that was very very impressive you always convinced me you knew both the

the tune and the crime. Any idea what the crime is, Tom Perry? Is it the Australian bloke who got arrested for eating a succulent Chinese meal? It is. That's right. It was democracy manifest. That's what it was. I see, you know, your judo. It was Jack Carlson

arrested for eating a succulent Chinese meal. I haven't even seen the film either, you know. No, I know. I know. It's just there, wasn't it? It was just there, Tom. Celia, what am I going to give you? Well, consider that you, I mean, you hit some of the notes. I'm going to give you 8 out of 10. Yeah.

Beautiful performance. John Robbins, you have, of course, Dancing Queen. So that is your crime there. Even though Mamma Mia followed Bohemia at number one and contains a lyric from Bohemian and Rhapsody in the title of this show.

I was thinking... Which is the only time that's ever happened. Hang on. Go again. This is good. This is good. So Mamma Mia contains a lyric from the song that preceded it at number one in the UK charts. Oh, Galileo.

Here I go again. Mama Mia. I've just shot a man. When I was listening to Mama Mia today, I did think that Freddie Mercury would have done a beautiful rendition because the musically is quite, no, I'm going to say it's similar. But it... I think it would...

I think it would live in the same room. Yeah. And what room were you in while you were singing? Calling around in the roof with the glisk-gliss? I think if you were to compare the chords and do like a... I think the Venn diagram would be not quite a circle, but close to it. I think they're both theatrical pop. Yeah, you've said it better than me.

Well, can a song explode. So, so you can't use the name of the crime. Or words for that are written in describing the crime. You know, at this point in the game, do what you like. Okay. Are you shoplifting from Wicks? Okay. Connor, stop me for repeating myself, but thank you for the music.

You can pay at the till, or just put it in your bag. You're on screen with your wife. You're in a magazine. Friday night and you want a snack but you've left your wallet out the back with a bit of slide a hand you can eat for free

you're in a shoplifting mood you're not Anthony Worrell Tompkins Thompson Oh shit But but What What?

What? the song are you in. I'm just like I've just woken up. But when Judy gets her hands on you, you are. Oh my gosh. If the deep ego in the song, the more challenging is to arrange.

He's on telly, his wife's called Judy. He's shoplifting. Absolutely beautiful performance. That really was a game of too hard, wasn't it? It was going so well until you tried to get Anthony Wifeting. Oral Thompson.

And then the fucking wheels came off. It's because I called him Anthony Worrell Tompkinson. Yeah. I don't want people to think I don't know who anti-Warrell Thompson is. Never let it be said. However, Clarkie, do you know who this crime, what the crime was, who committed it?

Well, I know who committed it. Yeah, of course, it is... Um... Um... Not Osmond. Yeah. Richard Mayle He was Richard Mayle

And what was he doing? He was shoplifting, of course Nick is up from Tesco, absolutely right Is that true? Yes, yeah, yeah, well... I thought you said you weren't going to put any serious crap What did he steal? I think he absentmindedly

pushed the trolley out of the shop Without paying... No, no, no, no. He covered bottles of wine with his bags. Oh! So they were in the bottom of his trolley. But that's clever. Allegedly.

I think, but he didn't he say He did it in a... Like he said, he put the bottles down there, he put his coat down there, he just forgot they were there and absentmindedly, that's what he said. And that's the story.

He absentmindedly put his coat on top of wine bottles. Yes. And went out the shop. Who is Richard Maidley? Oh my goodness. He's like a short Richard Osmond. Yeah, you've got...

Short Richard Osmond. You're just a short Richard Osmond. Sure Richard Osman. You're just a short Richard Osmond. You're just a short Richard Osmer. Poor old Michael Sheenay. He's done a good shift already. Anyway, can I try something?

Yes, you can try whatever you like. Does that make him a shorter Hofferman? Yes. We're going to allow it. I know you're being very kind in this. We're not working in a different club. I'm going to give you. What am I going to give you a performance?

Because you know what? If I've given, say, yeah, I've got to give you 10. I've got to give you 10. That's the nicest way you could have put it. That's the nicest way I could have put it. I'm giving it for the sunny start of the holiday, not that we're not when it rained at the airport.

So, we've got one final song. Tom, it is all yours. The winner takes it all, which may be the case in this round. It's got to be a real big crime because I don't know nothing. It's got to be like. We're going to be channeling Pierce Brosnan in the film version.

Yes, yes, please, please do. So. We have to pray it's the Epstein files. As we do every night. Oh, no. Do you think I'm not a chance in hell? They're genuinely, how on earth would send you a B know about this crime? Now I think about it. She's not going to know it.

Hey, let's... No, let's try. You know what? I'm going to... You know what, I'm going to allow you to change the crime? No, no, here's what I'd like. Celia can nominate one member from the audience. Perfect, that's how we'll do it. That's how we'll do it.

To advise. Thank you. I think that's great. I think it's democratic. I think it's inviting of immigrants in the UK. Yes. Absolutely. Have a look at our audience here, Celia.

Is there anybody who immediately takes you fancy? So do I have to pick before? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Who do you think has been nodding along? And the rest of the audience have to leave.

Then we have two kids. So, regardless of this, okay, there's someone that, okay, give me two eyebrow raises if you know a lot about crimes. Do you work for the police?

Is this one of those elaborate sting operations like at the start of Serpico? I'm mostly speaking to, if you know a lot about crime and are happy being able, I will come to you, I will come to you.

I will come to you. I'd say this quite quickly. Two eyebrow razors, one, two, three. It's like the one of Botox. Yeah, you think you got it? Yeah, okay, you got it. What's your name? Jason, Jason, you're my rock.

Okay, Jason, you're playing, okay? So listen to Tom Parry. Thank you, Jason. This is the winner takes it all. You have to work out. How does it start? He goes, da-da-da-da-da-da.

That's exactly it. Yeah. That's all I mean. Okay. DJ Connor, it's utterly remiss of me, not have already said this, but thank you for the music. Children's TV Growing herbs and spices

There's a tortoise over there A dog, a rabbit, a hare Someone's up the wall In the dead of darkness And they had a time and then nothing is fine they jump back off the war and went into the

the presenters came in there's a time capsule buried there but now it's a big mess no one's having a badge because I've got That's the end. That's the end, everybody. Okay, Jason is writing his answer here.

Tom, that was a fantastic performance. Absolutely beautiful. Really, really wonderful. Okay, Celia, what do you think it is assisted by your cohort here, Jason? So what me and Jason, thank you. Teamwork makes the dream work, yeah. We've discussed it.

When me and Peter, no, when me and Jason think on it. That's it. We think our first guess was something about Jimmy Saville. Of course. But we've thought about it and now I think we're pretty confident

to say it's the Blue Peter break in. I'm going to allow it. Yes, the Blue Peter Garden was vandalized. Thank you, Jason. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Teamwork.

Thank you. Thank you, my boys. And also thank you, your boy on the team as well. Tom Perry, I'm going to give you 11 out of 10. Oh, my word. Of course, the real crime is that I don't know if Colin Firth, Pierce, Broston or Stellan Scarsguard is my real dad.

Maybe I'll invite them to my wedding on a Greek island, or perhaps. Oh, actually, I've skipped ahead. So, we don't know what the scores are. So at the end of that round, DJ Connor, thank you for the scores and thank you even more for delivering them to the tune of Dancing Queen. Tom and tell you have 35, Ben and John 36. I'd say hitting the numbers would have been there. I definitely know which teams are playing.

So that's good. I believe, was it 45 and 36? That's it. 45 to Tom and Selia, 36 to John and to Ben. Of course, the real crime. Oh yeah. Is that I don't know if Colin Firth, Pierce, Brothen or Stellan Skars card is my real dad. Maybe I'll invite them to my wedding on a Greek island

or perhaps I'll drag them through the poisonous paternity court of the Beef Brothers! Yes, indeed, it's the Beef Brothers, where each week we ask our panellists to sort out a flat share-based beef, and today's one comes from Will, who is in our audience. Will, are you there? Hello, Will.

Good evening. Good evening to you. Will writes, My girlfriend uses my bedside table like its shared property. Whoa. Whoa. Wow, that's...

Yeah. That was... That was powerful, wasn't it? It has no order. It's unsustainable. But she's... And he's crossed out a word here, which I can't read.

Oh. And then written lovely. It's unsustainable, but she's lovely. So, girlfriend is lovely, but uses the bedside table. I'll tell you now that Tom and Celia, you are on... Will's side. Ben and John,

you are on the side of the girlfriend. Will, are you comfortable giving us your girlfriend's name? Yeah, yeah, she's with me. It's Shaz. Oh, Shaz is here as well? Hi, Shaz. Hey. Hi, Shaz. Okay, we've got Will V. Shaz here.

Okay, Ben and John, you're on Shaz's side. Damn straight, we are. Tom and Celia, you are on Will's side. Anyone got any questions? Before we begin our cases, anyone got any questions for Will? We'll start with Will first, then we'll move on to to cross-examine Shaz. Any questions? I mean, the obvious question. How many bedside tables are in the bedroom?

Yeah. So we do have two. We've got one each. Case closed. We're on his side. Yeah. Down right we are. Oh yeah. Are we on? Thanks, Alia. Yeah. Okay. Can I ask. Are we allowed to go no comment?

It's never been done before. Offering a plea bargain. I tell you what, ask Will some questions. See if we can tease out a counter argument. Should we do an out-of-course settlement for three Schofenhoffers? Can I speak to Shaz?

You can speak to Shaz, of course you can. Shaz. What the fuck you're doing? Hey, hey. You're out of your fucking mind. I've got to go into that courtroom and defend you. I'm going to look like an idiot.

You're never going to see the light of day again. My career is. over. I never had one to begin with. Victor is prime. Do you know what's amazing is John would have been incredible at defending Will. Can I ask him a question?

Yes. Hello guys. How's it going? Someone's forging a new catchphrase. Two questions. How long have you been together for? About two and a half years. Two and a half years. Recently moved in together?

A year ago. year ago. Okay. Okay. Is this your longest relationship so far? Yes and a no? Yes and a no.

So who's the yes? Shaz. Shaz. It's Shaz's longest relationship. This isn't therapy. Can I, can we cross-examine Shaz again? Absolutely. Yeah.

Go easy on this time. Can I just quickly, permission to call a Shazza-hazer. Listen. You're not getting a branding deal, all right? It's simply not happening. Shaz, sorry, I've had a long day at the firm. Shaz, do you have an excess of, for example, medicine or medical equipment,

which needs increased storage space in order to win the sympathy of the jury because currently that's the only defense I can see working? question, Your Honor. What are you keeping in the other bedside table? Mine's a lot smaller than his, I think. Here we go. Here we go. Okay.

And just like that. And if the table don't fit, you must have it. Further question. Further question. Yes, indeed. Is the storage also smaller? Yeah. Yes.

Yes. So that tells me that I have an argument about men not loving their girlfriends enough. In my defense. Can we have that stricken from the record? Shaz, I just want to check, do you feel safe now? Oh, don't do that argument. Well, no, I'm just, I was just making a lighthearted joke that her boyfriend's an abuser. And I stopped it.

Well, have you ever heard of the TV show? baby reindeer. So what other stuff are you keeping? Because you didn't, you said it was smaller but you didn't say what you were keeping on the on Wills' bedside table, Shaz. Talk us through it. Talk us through your bedside table. Talk us through Will's bedside table. What kind of stuff is on yours?

What's on Wills? He's, to be fair, everything's on his one. You just have a glass of war. Everything on his is yours. What a wonderful relationship. Of mine is on his. Pain has a picture for a second. You sleep on this you've got your sides, right, on your bed. you always sleep on the same sides.

Yeah, we're not psychopaths. Or you're just letting things get stagnant. So who's how you spice up the relationship. I'm going to do a bit of roleplay this tonight and sleep on the other side of the bed. Does someone's side have more room in the room? Like, who's closest to the door? Mine is closest to the door.

Good boy, Will. Right. So yours is closest to door so you can get out first in the event of a fire. But if there's an intruder, he can beat him up with his big muscles. And so what's on Shaz's side of the room?

Yes. So on her bedside table, there's about three to four glasses of half-drunk water at all times. Yes. How else did she play it out of the fire? This is a fucking... This is like a...

This is Grisham, isn't it? Oh, baby! So, I realise I can't comment on that because I'm literally looking at that myself. Um, well and Chess, did you move into a new flat or did one of you move into the other flat? Into a new flat.

Into a new flat together. Please don't get into relationship history. But it's good to know. Um, do the bedside tables have drawers? Mine does. Chaz's doesn't. Oh,

oh, hello. So mine has three. Two of them are hers. Love it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Two of them are officially hers. Only filled with her stuff. No.

Please answer the question. Has... Is this how do you cope? Has there been an official arrangement sanctioned by you will that two of the drawers in your bedside table are for shares? They were just filled when I got there Poor boy Possession is nine tenths of the law Okay any final questions

Any final questions for Will or Shaz Yes I forgot who I'm defending Okay you're on Will side You're on Will side Have you got any questions for Will or Shaz On the top of Shazes So there's half empty glasses of water Or half full

They're empty Any Schoferhofer's on there? And what kind of thing, what kind of debris are you dealing with on the top of your bedside table? What Shaz putting on there? There's like jewelry, I think I've got a few like keys,

credit cards, that sort of thing. Stuff that fell out of a pocket. Okay, question now. Will, do you, are you, Would you consider yourself neurodivergent? They're here in this room watching this. Of course they fucking are. Way a waste of question.

That is what my therapist thought. So, sorry, could you say that again, William? Potentially. Potentially. Are you on the autism boat or the ADHD ride? We just call them patrons. ADHD, so I'll be able to make those jokes in about three more sessions

Would you say you're more on the ADHD? ADHD? Interesting. Oh, he might be one of the uncool ones. Or D-D. He might be a paedophile. Yeah, sorry, Shaz, how old are you?

Crucial question. How old are you, Shaz? You don't hear people banging on about that on Twitter, do you? Just got my diagnosis, I sure. Did you know? Do you did? I've been telling you for so long. Yes, I win a hundred pounds.

Okay, I feel like we've asked, I just don't want to, I just don't want, I don't want. One more question? No, no, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear any more questions. I just, I, I just can't trust any of you. One more question. Go on one more, but I'm going to regret this. Is it for John?

It's for... Is it for me? No, I'm not a paedophile. Hey man. Yeah. Yes, yes. What's this really about? Selya.

From your lips to every commissioner's ears in about 2015. Were you on the Golden Lopes panel? Yeah. I wish. Well, hopefully that is enough information for our teams to make their cases. So without further ado, I'm going to call upon Celia AB.

Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly, 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns

about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGEM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. To begin the case for the prosecution, Celia. Now remember you're on Will's side.

Your minute begins now. It seems pretty clear to me that Will is in an abusive relationship. Will and Chas have been together for two and a half years. Not a long time, but the longest that Shaz has been an abuse. a relationship. It tells me that she is inefficient at being in a relationship. She's not done it before. She's probably never moved in with a partner. She is acting messy. Male mental health. Finally, finally. Male mental health is very important. What helps with mental health is clarity, its boundaries, its rules, it's things that make it will feel safe in the relationship.

Will has expressed his needs for the side table. There's two, after all. Now, I know that hers is smaller. Shaz is a working woman. We have done so much. for feminism. And I stand here as a woman to say we can now afford big side tables. Side tables that fills our needs. Side tables that don't require a man. Side table that doesn't require hurting your boyfriend every single day. Every single day. Will works hard. Will just wants to lay down, use a side table to put a picture of the refugees. He's probably keeping an empty frame to put his diagnosis in there. The thing that tells me about it is that what baby reindeer has taught us is that sometimes

boundaries can be crossed by women. Yes. And it's very important that we don't get charmed by shards. It's very important that we stick to our boundaries. The thing with boundaries is you set them and you have to keep resetting them. But after the third time that you've set them, somebody has crossed it. And that's when you have to ask yourself, am I in a good relationship?

And it turns out it is a good relationship if it can be fixed with buying a new equal side table that is that is surrounded by Barb Wires. Sele Your A.B. Everybody. Loved everything about that. I really did.

It was sort of like part changing rooms, part of the Manosphere. And I think... Oh, so you, so you've seen my show. Okay. you are on Shaz's side, you have a minute to open the case for the defence, and your minute begins now. People of the jury,

can we just be honest for a second? I left the offices of Crosby, Crosby and Clark this morning, and I thought I don't have a job anymore. Handed in my badge to the DA's office. I stepped out onto the street, I breathed the air. A little bit longer to hang out in Pratt,

maybe. Now I don't have to do all those hard. cases. This was an open and shut case. Indefensible. And I thought, no. Dig a little deeper. Try a little harder. Stop swearing at your client. So I called Shaz. She was happy to come back in. I'm doing this pro bono. Don't. As I talked to Shaz, a different piece. emerged, a picture of confusion. If I am dying of thirst and I drink. Great book, by the way. Great book, yeah.

He's got to get the plug in somehow. Pludge at the end normally, but fair enough. If I am dying of thirst and I drink, do I steal? Oh. If I... Are you at Wicks? Have you put your coat over it first? If I am given two-thirds of a piece of land

and I place a glass of water on the grass Are you on the spectrum? Here is a relationship in which someone has been given the world And then their partner has turned to them and said What are you doing on my world? I rest my case. John Robbins, everybody. two very very compelling arguments there shaz will how do you think it's going so far

yeah fantastic yeah yeah shaz did have a thought that she wished she'd brought up oh oh shaz don't bring it up it's quite late in the day for new evidence but we're going to accept it shaz no the his bedside table i actually bought it and it's mine can i just say that changes everything about what i'm about to do you need a moment. Okay, but can I have an argument about the British Museum? After the show, as we always do. Okay, Tom, now I've got to ask you,

you're obviously on Will's side. Are you going to be defending as yourself? No, I'm going to do it in the style of Deep South defence lawyer from a John Grisham novel, Mr. Fanshaugh-Standand. Mr. Fanshaugh-Standandan, presiding and providing. Your minute should you need it begins now.

Ladies and gentlemen, after jury, hell, do you mind me saying this in the courtroom, but you look hella fine today? Let me tell you, some of them dead juries, they swan in here, and they stink and look ugly. And y'all look mighty fresh as a daisy. Hell, secondered my ass.

Suggested. That's the word. requested. One of them day big words from the city there that their lawyers will throw around. Y'all look like my kind of people. Hell, I bet you run through the meta. Them there stood at the corner of the meta going,

oh no, how are we getting across this thing. You run through the meta, my friends. Now both of our lawyers here today have been using quite clever, compelling, and eloquent arguments. It is a hell of a thing to hear that happen whilst you're writing down three words. Sponsored Barn Squat.

Let that sit with you for a second. Sponsored, sure. Barn. You all got them. And squat. Why am I telling you these things? Because you all remember now back in the day, eight, nine, five years,

seven, three. Local bakery there needed to raise some funds Extra oven More buns My request Sponsored Barn Squat Who can spend the most time in their barn A challenge we all took up

Simple rules One person, one barn How long you got I locked myself in that barn And boy, oh boy did I fancy my chances If my ma'ar told me one thing It was... It was a man's barn.

It's his own bomb. I locked that door, heard of rustling, looked over into the corner of the barn. I was not alone. Now it was a dog or a pig. I wrote them both down. I was trying to decide which one would work best, and then they started talking really well.

What I'm saying is you spend two and a half years with an animal and you get to bond has lost its way. Three simple questions with three simple answers. Did the bakery get its new oven for sure? Did I win the barn squat? No sirree. Have I ever eaten an animal that I have also kissed? The defence rests, you're all right.

Thank you, Fanshaugh. I heard you had your assacondids, and you look fantastic. Whatever it is, it's working for you. Okay, Clarkie, you're going to wrap things up. Now, remember you are on Shaz's side. You'll conclude your case for the defence. Your minute, should you need it, begins right now. Well, well, well, we've heard a lot of sentences here.

And I'm going to do things a little bit differently. I'm going to say fewer sentences than everyone else. Because I think that this is pretty simple. You know, if I know one thing about men, then I don't need a bedside table. What are you pulling on your bedside table, Will? A book you're never going to read? Some bloody...

And if I know one thing, about women. Go on. They bloody love them. Bits of bobs, that they? A Nick, and a knack, and a braker. Oh yeah.

Give her the space, mate. You're not going to need it. It's all about, at the end of the day, and I've always said this, and I really mean it. We're all just tunnels. That had a real Anthony Worrell Thompson moment, didn't it? That was moving.

Even though I disagreed with it. That's the power of Clarkie. Now, obviously, I cannot make the decision myself as I'm currently getting ready for my wedding on a Greek island. To which I've invited my three potential dads. Yeah, I watched Mama Mia with my kids for the first time this summer.

What a film. What's a film? I can still recall our lives. Of course I can. I was watching my mumo with the kids. What a film. So instead, I'm going to ask our live, Phoenix audience, to decide instead.

If you think Will, and therefore Celia and Fancho are in the right, I would like you to applaud now. What a turnaround. Wow. But if you think Ben and John and Shaz have the best case, please applaud now. I'm sorry, Will. An absolute drubbing.

Shaz, how do you feel about the result? Oh, so good. You must feel good. Will, how about you, mate? Yes, a tough one to take, yeah. It's a tough one to take it, mate. Clear out those drawers. Okay.

One more... So there's one more round to go before we find out who'll be lighting the scented candle. But first, let's hear... Brick or Bracket. It's good, wasn't it? I can't believe the brick or the bracken.

Yeah. I can't believe that's what swung it. I know. I think it was the fact that he didn't buy the table. One more round to go before we find out who'll be lighting the scented candle but first. Let's hear the quickfire or should that be Wickfire. Hey John? Quickfire round jingle!

This is the quick fire round round. It's a round that goes really quickly. which is why it's always so amusing that it has a long introduction oh I get it now it has a long introduction though the round itself is short and recently we've had quite a lot of emails correspondence that are questioning whether this is made by AI.

People saying is it AI. People saying is it AI, how you make the quick far round jingle. Well, here are Pappies, we give you an all-human guarantee. There's no way that a computer could do this. Do this is born of a human brain. The best human brain's about a really top-not-human brain.

We're talking 1% of a brain. For example, could a computer suddenly decide to just say this word? Hardukin! You see, that's actually from a computer game. So maybe that's what the computer would say. A computer would search human history and discover that street fighter too was very popular.

Ooh, it's a good game base. And that Hardukin was one of its most popular sounds. It would probably decide to put that word in. So maybe we are a... I should have gone with Spending Burkidtik. I should have gone with that. or any other street fighter sounds. For example, there was

hook, hoop, hoop, hook, hook, hook, hook, hook, hook. I think that was when the sumo wrestler was doing some slaps. A.I. would know that. Maybe we should have gone to AI. You'd get more. bang for your book. Finish him!

That's from Mortal Kombat. Anyway, my point is we are not a, I just very tired human brain that has to record a very quick jingle because I forgot about it. Well, anyway... That's the end of this little effort Hurtig, lark, tick, back tick

I can't I don't think that was one or two But here's the quickfire round The human quickfire round It's the quick fire round Game over I am M-Bison And I am my mate. Can I just say, that was beautiful.

It was amazing, wasn't it? And I'm so glad it wasn't a shorter offer. Indeed, this is the quickfire round. And as our show is all about candles, I'm going to ask our panellists to wax lyrical and rhyme into each answer. So if the answer was Tom Parry, you might say, Cash and Carrie, it's Tom Parry. That would get you one point.

But if the answer was Celia A-B and you said, smell your baby, it's sell your A-B. That's two points. That's right. There's a point for every word you rhyme with. Instead of buzzers, I'd like you to shout out your first names. Ben and John, let's hear yours. I can't get over the smell you baby, but... Yeah, I know, bad. That's tough, man.

Does the... If it's rhyming two words, does it have to be a phrase? Doesn't have to be? Just two words that rhyme. There's two words that rhyme. Here we go. I'm so sorry, please go again. Welcome to Flat Shire's Landown, in Hanno, basically you've got a... No.

The genuine panic on your face there. No. What a wrap, it's up in eight minutes. So, the idea is you will, you'll give the answer by saying a rhyming phrase

and then the answer, okay? So Cash and Carrie, it's Tom Parry. Smell your baby, it's sell your A-B, okay? So instead of buzzers, I'd like you to shout your first names, Ben and John, let's hear yours. Ben. John. Tom and Celia?

Tell ya. Beautiful. We go. Which movie features John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John as Danny and Sandy? Tom. Tom. Oh, come on. Caprice. It's Greece. Caprice, it's Greece. Absolutely. What do we call the letters A-E-I-O-N-U?

John. John. Hand-towels its vowels. It is hand-tells its vowels. Name the football who captains the England national team. Oh, oh. John. Hold me.

hand me the skein it's hurricane okay you absolutely right yeah sorry I have a question for Celia I'm taking no question sorry no questions hand me the stain it's Harry Kane I have a very very simple writing process and it can't be explained

it just been Carrie Payne about you hand me the stain it's Harry Kane of course Name the band featuring Albert Hammond Jr. and Julian Casablanca. Tom. Tom. The croaks. The strokes. The strokes. Yeah.

I've been accepted. Which famous rodent has friends such as Gouffy and Donald Duck? Ben. Ben. Look at this house. It's Mickey Mouse. Absolutely right. No one goes for both words. No one. It's too complicated. What's Derricky House.

It's Mickey Mouse. It's a great loan. What stir fry noodle dish from Thailand is typically made with rice, noodles, shrimp? Yes. Sad guy, it's Pad Thai. Absolutely. That's how John starts all of his sentences. Sad guy, can I come in?

What movie did I watch this summer with my kids and absolutely, I loved it? Celia. Celia. Celia. Oh, la la. La. Yes, Celia. Yes, Celia.

sell yeah? Ooh. Oh la la. I've just had some pasta. Oh my God. Mama Mia. Wait a second. Say yeah.

Wait a second. Sorry, she won't be taking any questions at this time. Her writing process is her own. Can we steal? I think I'm going to have to let the other team steal. Yes, go on. Gammon and beer.

It's Mama Mia. Gabbin and beer. It's Mama Mia. That's right. What's wrong with Woola? It's Mama Mia. Almost everything is wrong. What's wrong with it?

It doesn't drive. I just had some lovely pasta, Mamma Mia. Yeah, there's a... What I like about it. Oh, yes. I'll tell you what. We'll do a director's commentary afterwards. What is the name?

What is the name of the large... The large metal landmark in Paris, France. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Go on, Celia. What do you think it rhymes with? What's wrong with those tariffs? It's Paris.

No. John, John. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. John is stolen, Celia. You had your time and you said, what's wrong with the terrorists? Give it back. Give it back.

My wife's on fire. It's the Eiffel Tower. No, you can't have either. I was an Eiffle and Wifle didn't work. Oh, can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Just want to say

trifle power or something. Oh, I would like, yes, yeah? Ooh, la la. Just had some. Past us. The Eiffel town. Where is Robbie, where is Robbie Williams from?

Oh, but who knows. Tom. Tom. Tom. Fort Dale. He's for us don't called Trent. Which Beatles... Which Beatles song begins with the line

when I find myself in times of trouble. John. John. Wet and the sea. Yes. Let it be. Can I steal that? Can I still...

Would you like to do another one? Yes. Go on then. Yes. Yes. Yeah, go. What's your let it be? Oh, who's that?

Okay. Literally, that's all I need to hear. Oh, who's that? Let it be. Who's that? Oh, that's just sell you a B. Let it be. It's personal.

That's what's good about it. Dredding that one. How did you think of rhyming B with B? But isn't that all rhyming? Listen, that's the rules of the game! I'm meant to write B-Wi with a la-la. I'm dreading this one. What if the name of Oasis's second studio album,

which featured songs such as Wonderwall and Champagne Supernova? Celia. Celia. Ooh, la, ooh. That's right, that's it. Oh, cash and carry. It's... Is it the right album?

It's Cash and Kerry, it's morning glory. Yeah, okay. Okay. Did I get it wrong? I'm sorry I offended four white men with my lack of oasis knowledge and rhyming. I'm sorry, I'm glad they're friends again. The colours of the rainbow are typically red, yellow, green, blue,

indigo, violet and what other color? Oh. Can you do that again? It doesn't matter. Because I've picked a word It's famously hard to rhyme with Oh, Tom. Yes, go on Tom.

Cash and Carrie, it's orange. Absolutely correct. That is the end of the round and the end of the game. So before we find out the final score, Celia and John, have you got anything to plug? John's got a book, Celia. Hello, everybody.

I'm on tour. I'm doing, you all live in London, yeah? No, who lives in London? Give me a woo. It seems like it goes out to the rest of the world as well. Okay, so I'm going on tour. I'm going all over the place. However, if you live in London,

I'm doing a big show at the Bloomsbury Theatre on the 24th of October. And what we did numbers-wise, and we were like, okay, I sell well at Soho Theater. So actually, this is less tickets that I would normally sell at Soho Theater, we're just doing in one night. And it turns out that strategy is flawed.

So I would really like all of you to be there. The show is getting really good. It wasn't good at the fringe, but now I think it's good. I think it's good. I learned my lesson. And the show doesn't rely on me being charming anymore, so you can see me be not charming, but with good jokes.

Cellier, AB, yes. Fantastic. John? You can sign up to the Ellison John Neurodivergent Safe Space. At patreon.com forward slash Ellison John. Absolutely right. And speaking of patrons, of course, patreon. Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flatshare.

Like, subscribe, rate, and review our podcast or recommend the podcast to all of your friends. Two more shows coming up before the end of the year. October 12th, we're at the Bedford in Ballam with Anya Magliano and Spencer Jones as part of the cheerful earful comedy festival. The work we've done, they could chuck us a lobe, couldn't they? They could have chucked us a lobe.

Do you want to ring? Our Christmas show will be at the Clapham Grand on December the 8th. Mark your calendars. Tickets go on sale in November. It's going to be our biggest show ever. So, producer Connor, let's hear the final scores. out. Tom and Celia 49, Ben and John 44. Oh!

So Ben and John are lighting the candle, Tom and Sally will be kneeling down to pray with me. Thanks to our... Such an unpopular results. I know. I know. Nobody wanted this. We're Donald Trump. Thanks to both of our guests, no matter how much

you enjoy them. Thanks to both of our guests, John Robinson and Celia A.B. Happy Padmey's See you next Flash Air Slamdown Pappy's flasher stand down Pappyton Matthew Crosby Ben Koch and Tom Perry

his special guest Samuel A.B and Ben Carlton and John Roberts to be advised by Pavia and Ben Walker is recorded and produced by Connor Hale and Gennarice Davis with video help from Max Grill

big thanks to everyone at the feet to hate the end of the door to all the wonderful phone to today show and to you at home for listening Pappy Fletcher Slanddown is a single new production for Megapone

Cheers everyone Bye it! Oh, there you go. There we were, and here we are. Not bad. Yes, indeed. So, you know what this has been? This has been the last

Flatshire slamdown we'll ever do at the Phoenix. Wow. That's right. And so after we finish this, we're going to pour out the petrol and torch it to the ground. We said we wouldn't talk about it

on the actual podcast because it can very much attach us to the crime. But anyway, anyway. Well, let's go out afterwards. That's a good point, actually. Yeah, we're fine. Smart. Smart move.

No, no. Of course, as you know, the Phoenix is going on tour like the Clapham Grand is. It's going off. It's going off. It's been floated overseas. So, guys, thank you so much for listening. If you do get a chance to John or Celia live, they're absolutely fantastic. They really are.

Also, don't, if you ever get a chance to get high, guys, do take it. Take it easy. Bring me a log. Legally, though. Legally, please. And if you do get the chance to go to the Clapham Grand, you've got to take it while. It's in Clapham, guys. Well, it's still there.

So, yeah, come along to. The Halloween special on October the 12th, come along to the Clapham Grand, just to see the venue. I mean, you know what? The main thing is a ticket gets you entry to the venue. Drink it in. And then off.

Get out of there. That's what I do. That's what we're going to do. Just walk around the theatre going, here it is. We finally made it to the Clapham Grand. It's a guided tour. That's what we'll be doing.

We'll be touring people around the Clapham Grand on December the 8th. One audience member at a time. Look at all these flags. It'll be the first time we've ever done this. So you'll have to help us. You're starting to realise why we need to take a small break from this, whatever this is.

Just to rejig. Just to rejig things. Anyway, we love you lots. And as always, cheers everyone. Bye! Not going to mention Connor. I set fire to him earlier on.

No. He's going to take him on tour. He's touring the big clouds up in the sky. Listen, if you set fire to producer, that is a red flagship right there. Bye, everybody.