Pappy's Flatshare - Series 5, Episode 2 (Council Tax)

Episode Date: January 15, 2015

Adam Buxton and Ivo Graham are the guests in a very fun episode which contains perhaps the best pun ever. Also... Hesitation, Hair, Hula Hoops, Hagrid and Haystacks! The brilliant show art comes courtesy of Julia Scheele - check out more of her work at http://www.juliascheele.co.uk/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free them. That is not fun. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things.

It's like theaters for December 15th. Tom Ben! One of you needs to pay the council tax. Listen, Matthew. So we've mentioned this before, but shouldn't you do something man the house? Yeah, every day seems to start with you telling us to clean up or mend something or pay for something.

Once you sit around on your short ass doing sweet F.A. Yeah, then you force us to have a flat share slam down to decide who does it. So fair, well not this time matey. This time we're going to rise up against the tyranny and Matthew. What are you doing with that old-style pocket watch on a chain? Yeah, why are you swinging it back and forth? Hang on. Are you trying to hypnotise? And sleep. When you awake, you'll both give slightly flimsy reasons for not wanting to pay the council tax. Then I'll say, there's only one way to settle this. We'll have to have a, and we'll all shout,

flat share slam down. Understood? Understood. Good. And we'll never question Matthew ever again. Never question Matthew. Well, I'm not going to pay the council tax. I find it all too taxing. And I'm not going to pay the council tax. I've already given all my tax money to a man who stuffs dead animals. That's right. He's a pervert. Well there's only one way to settle this. We're going to have to have a... She's on the go! She's on the go! She's on the go! She's on the go! She's on the go!

Hooray! Hello! And welcome to Flat Shest Landown, the panel show that says, I never gonna leave you alone, the tide is high and the groove is on. She said her name was Cindy. Would you like a drink of me? But can he on the left? Decary on the right? Come and give me loving all through the night. Do the wild thing. Tingling a ling. Girl I wanna hear you sing.

I'm gonna go them, go them, go them, go them. Oh, I all like to have fun now. I'm gonna go them, go them, go them, go them. Here. Girl I wanna hear you sing. I want to pay tax on the beach I want to move your body tax on the beach I want to pay tax on the beach Come on, there's a party tax on the beach Come on, there's a party tonight on the Hoesonland Lord Matthew Frost bellow their under Following my rules. Let's meet the tenets Tom Perry and Ben Clark.

Oh, ho! So, Tom Perry. Tom Perry, let's hear the facts about why you won't pay the tax. Well, Matthew, I am not going to play the council tax because you all remember a few years ago, I ran a stationery shop and we all remember. I had a very large shipment of drawing pins about to be delivered, but my tax will arrive and I said this is too much money. I'm going to have to get rid of that massive consignment of drawing pins that are about to be delivered. I had to cancel tax.

to be delivered I had to cancel tax. LAUGHTER Yeah it was quite a sad story, wasn't it? Tax. Yeah, it was a good one. Torin Pins, the tax. Oh, so it works on no level. Scraight! LAUGHTER

Lucky, let's get down to brass tax. Why are you such a terrible asshole? Well, I'm not going to pay the tax because I'm exempt. I looked it up online and it said that you don't have to pay tax if you're a member of an international organisation and I am a member of a few for a starter, I'm the state international and if I'm the Stea International. And if I'm not exempt there, then what the fuck are they doing with my £2.50 per annum? Also, you put £2.50 at your ass. Yeah, every year. I'm also a member of the World One Life Federation

because I thought it was the World Wrestling Federation and also a member of the world wrestling Federation And also a member of the world wide web You're also a member of the jokes. They're just kind of Peter out Organization that was that was good though clocky actually no it was good because I've been to all of these recordings, and that was genuinely, that was, like, showed a bit of work. Now, um, you can't.

It was definitely work. I was supposed to say, and to listen to it. But, again, but the only thing is, you're paying couch attacks as cheek-taxing without councils. I who can't brought the tax? I get it. Tom, who have you brought with you this week? Well, a Jamboree's in trouble.

I organise a year in Jamboree. It week? Well, the Jamborees in trouble. I organise it. The Jamborees really... It's a running joke. The Jambore. It's not my business, well, Tom. I just thought we undignified if I went, ooh, as well. Oh, no, get on board. We've got low funds. We're going to need a Maverick sponsor

to come in and save the day financially. So I thought, who is the poshest person I know? LAUGHTER I asked along Mr. Ivo Graham everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How Ivo, thank you for coming on the show. Have you been a flatmate? What kind of a flatmate was? I flatmate all over the shopmate.

Which, for real? Several houses, I'd imagine. Erts. LAUGHTER The jokes on Neumath, because I currently live with my grand mother. Erts, food. I think the jokes might go on you in that case, actually. I've also lived with some people in my own age.

I've got that. Yes. Are you a good flatmate? Are you a bad flatmate? How so? Er, all the classics. Stealing food, not paying bills, loud porn. I've got them all down.

Er, what I do, I did have a problem with my flatmates at Unique. My flatmate Matthew got a girlfriend, the lucky sod. And they said that while they were trying to do their new relationship business, Admin, Prina. Downstairs Admin. I'd been, I'd been, I'd been with the servants. I thought it would be tackful to my phone as one of them would have sex to listen to just to put bad friends in and watch some telling my laptop which is possible now. And I would watch The Thick of It, which if you haven't watched it, it's great satire.

But my flatmate Matt Lasseb, quite weird, because he'd be trying to do the sexist girlfriend, but because I had my head threatened, what they couldn't hear that the TV show, because they could hear us from me in the living room, just laughing. LAUGHTER In series three, episode five, quite a lot.

LAUGHTER So Ben, who have you brought along with you this week? In series three episode five, quite a lot. So Ben, who have you brought along with you this week? Well, as I've mentioned before, I am a member of the World White Web. And on it, I found this wonderful website called Tinder. And I was matched with the lovely Adam Baxter! So Adam, what kind of a flatmate are you? I'm like a fully grown man, right? You're very similar to yes, yeah. So that's one of the categories that Clarky looks for on Tinder.

And I've got a wife? Oh yeah, I've got one as well, yeah. Yeah, and I don't need to mention this. I've got a wife and I've got three human children. Congrats, and the other children, apart from the human ones, just the... Yeah, there's another one. LAUGHTER But that's...

That's what I thought that was still being categorized at the moment. It's pretty, I think it's a dog. Oh, yes. It's a dog. I'm almost so good at it. It's a dog. But no, I'm like a fascist. I'm like a kind of evil dictator in my house.

I've got very high standards, and I want them to be upheld at all times. Right, what makes you Nazi dad? Uh, things that make me very unhappy. It's generally my wife who is causing a lot of the problems. Tell me about it, mate. I don't have a wife. Tell me about it, mate.

Let me tell you what you're missing. It's a total nightmare. Ah. Apart from very occasional physical union which is terrific. It's actually called downstairs admin. My wife's got a pathological fear of closing doors and cupboards. She loves to leave everything open. You know what I'm saying?

You can get the great thing if it's a low cup, but you can close it with your hip. And that is, if you're carrying a cup of tea and toast on a plate and you close it, you know, draw a cup with your hip, that's the greatest feeling in the world. It's surely. It's not so good for me because I'm small.

So generally I'm closing those things with my face. After I've smacked into it. Well Well I think we've been in move on we've met our teams it's time to say tax entertainment love tax, we love tax pay, I'm heading down to the ground, so it's a pay I can't tell you what's up, baby I can't tell you what's up, baby I can't tell you what's up, baby I can't tell you what's up, baby I can't tell you what's up, baby I can't tell you what's up, baby I can't tell you what's up, baby

I can't tell you what's up, baby I can't tell you what's up, baby I can't tell you what's up, baby I can't tell you what's up, baby I can't tell you what's up, baby I can't tax baby Love tax baby, love tax Love tax baby, love tax You're what? And let you book

Reduction Love tax The counts are where it's at Love tax The counts are where it's at Love tax The counts are where it's at Love tax You're a boob. Oh my reduction. Love tags, the councils wearing tags, Love tags, the councils wearing tags.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What about that? You're not doing, you're not doing like a text supposed to have the whole of the rest of the album. No, no. So round one is a council, facts. In this round our players have to imagine they are in therapy. One member of theme will play the counsellor, the council, the other

will be the patient. I will give the patient a symptom and their team has to guess what it is. So if the council, the fact out of them. So for example, if I were to say to my teammates, can you help me, I spend my entire day alternating between aimlessly staring at strangers lives on Facebook and crying while I masturbate. They'd probably say, I can't help you Matthew and could you please start playing the game. So, we're going to start off with a Ben and Adam, I believe. So Ben, that's yours. Adam, that is yours. Now Ben, you are going to start. You'll believe the first patient, and Adam, you're the therapist. Before we begin, for the listeners at home,

and I think we're doing this for the audience as well, here is Ben's symptom. Ben can only speak in five words sentences. How are the listeners at home going to ring down? Well, what we're going to do? What we we going to do at the end of the show? At the end of the show, I'm going to do the mystery voice, which will be Ben has four cocks or something, you know, whatever the thing is. So we'll do it that way. Okay, so you said you never tell him.

I know, I shouldn't have given you actual problems then. I think one of them is mine, but I'm not. You were... It's really sinister. Yeah. The other three are me, Tom, and producer. So... Okay, so... Adam and Ben, off you go.

Tell me. Is this a problem that you developed recently? No, I've had it. Adios. I mean, I wouldn had it. I just... I mean, I wouldn't be a good Councillor. I've got no fucking idea where to start. Do you pretend that you are serving me a bowl of cornflakes? Here is your bowl. Cornflakes. Here is your bowl, cornflakes. This is like a bloody Samuel Beckett play. Thank you for the cornflakes. I've even see the ferribis before?

I mean, not when the cornflakes please. Hang on one second, I'm just consulting my therapist book. Um... No, that's not appropriate. Um... No, that won't work. Um... Can you say the alphabet? A, B, C, D, E.

D, do you have a pref? I charge J. Oh! It's your problem that he can always tell me. It's your problem that you interrupt people after leaving long pause. No, it isn't. I'm a few idiots. It's a common problem. I've got many people coming to me, excuse me, I interrupt people after leaving very long pause. Is there anything you can do for me?

And I was thinking, oh, here's another one. I can't help you, fuck off. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Thank you. And Tom and Ivo, can you have any idea what you don't know? I got confused by the questions at the start. He speaks with five words.

Yeah, we'll give it yeah! Oh my god! Ivo, your next tom is your therapist. Ivo here is your symptom and for the listeners at home, here is the mystery voice. Once again, Ivo doesn't know the right place to pause in a sentence. Very popular with the audience here tonight. On our magic score cards. Okay, I've run Tom off you go.

Greetings. Sit down. How is your day going? Well Tom, my taste being lovely actually. I'm having a really good time, but there's one problem you see I Got a problem that I need to speak to you about okay It's how that you've both got this problem actually It is contagious

So anything I haven't really adjusted to the problem I Tom's got it worse than I've ever had. Hey, well! I haven't really adjusted to the problem yet, for months. I want to hear about your normal day. Please, stop me through it. Well, I got up in the morning, I know this looks shit, but try to at home later, it really is quite hot. So, Tom, you would like to hear about my day. Well I got up in the morning and I mean, to be fair, I mean... Are you a very hesitant blues singer?

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Oh, God, this morning... Then I... LAUGHTER OK. If you were to meet someone who has your problem, I think I just have.

What would you say to them? Tom, you're really good at this. You're so much better than Ibo and you don't even realise. I would say Ibo, tip, just repeat back what Tom says. Tell me, how do you feel when you go into a room full of people? I feel incredibly nervous when I go into a room full of people. I feel incredibly nervous when I go into a room full of people. Is it because you only speak in high coups? To be fair, I don't know what they are. In a second, I'm going to have to throw it over to the other team.

Oh, please. Is it? You can only speak in Iambic pentameter? That's one thing I do know a lot about, and that's not my problem. You pause in places where you like to. Oh, that's yeah. Really? I'm gonna, yeah. Oh, I'm gonna give you like this.

I'm gonna give you like this. Yeah! I'm gonna get you. You don't know the right place to put a pause in a sentence. I'm gonna give you, I think, a half a point for that. Because I'm a bit nervous. You know, you said you had to put a mystery voice over the tip to like the or the pop-off. Could you do a mystery just guessed in Fnashskits? Just doing it.

Can you believe it? We're going to pay this round twice more. We're going to... Plankas, podcast, there we are. Over to, we are going to go, we'll do it. We'll do it. Because there's definitely one of one. We have to cut him. We have to cut him. So, um... No, no, I'm not so... I'm not a merc, I'm a merc, because I'm next.

I know, exactly, yeah. So, Ben, and Adam, Ben, you're now the therapist. Adam, you have a problem, which I believe. I've handed to you already. Yes, I did. Okay, and the problem for the list as a home is... Adam says the opposite of what he means. Once again, very popular with the audience here tonight. Adam says the opposite of what he means.

Once again, very popular with the audience here tonight. Okay, so Adam and Ben, off you go. So, Adam. Hello. But how'd you like to tell me about yourself? I certainly would like to tell you about myself. I love talking to therapists. I love opening up in all kinds of ways. That came out right.

Okay, so. How was your relationship with your friends, for example? Well loads of friends. Something tells me this is not true. Call it intuition. I don't know what you mean. I've got absolutely loads of friends. They're much less successful than I am, but... It doesn't matter to me because...

...we stay in regular contact, so... It's not a problem. Anyway, their lives are boring. This is totally true. You do know we're playing a problem, anyway, their lives are boring. This is totally true. You do know we're playing a game, right? Before shit gets too real, do you want to make a guess, sir, Ben? Does it always lie? It's always said the opposite of what he's...

Oh, that's it! I have to say that was an easier challenge than that. I didn't want to be bitter to set myself up. Unless you're still playing the character in which case? There's a reason why there's a riddle about the man line, the man ten, the truth. It's not you arrive at a door, there are two men. One uses pauses correctly. Who do you ask?

Well, I've had this, you're just to make it back, because you're going to play the therapist in this round, and Tom is going to have one of many problems. So for those at home, this is what's wrong with Tom. Tom's mood changes dramatically every 15 seconds. Okay, so off we go. Hello, mate. How the hell? No acting required. So how have things been at home? Or for. Terrible. Oh dear.

Close to suicide sometimes. Why not? I love it. I mean, it'd be great, wouldn't it? It's ended all the before I've ever seen it's fine. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Unless you don't think it is fantastic. Would that be okay, do you think? I think Tom's, can I have a guess?

I don't want to put anyone out. Confused feelings about suicide. No, it's not that you're dickhead. Come on! Get it together for fuck's sake You're fucking this up fucked up the last round Did really well mate, I thought you're really good It's not easy. You said the first half with much more convinced Not at all

I think it's not at all. I think it does. Right, skits a freer and bird song. It's a great Albert, by the way. It really good. I think Tom changes his mind quite a lot. Oh, no, it's mine. Yeah. It appears a pinion.

Not a pinion. No, no, no. I think the other team might have it. Moots. He changes moods, yes, yes. Oh, Cosmoons have a function. So I think we can give a half a point to Ivo for the assist there and then for poppin' it in the back of the... What lovely stuff.

Back of the onion bag there for... Back to the onion bag. So, for all we go to the round two, well, as time say, produce a bit, what are the scores? Well, after all that time and effort... It's too old! Well, let's just crack on, let's play flat games! Let's play together games! Let's think of a game!

Let me forever roll the dice spin that thing Put that down! Do as you told! Games! If you lose you get nothing! Games! If you win you get gold! Gold!

Listen to that! Listen to that! It's a movement! I feel like Russell Brandt! God, gold! Gold! Gold! Easy, Russell! So... This week we're playing our version in flat games of Trivial Pursuit,

which we are calling and wait for it folks, because this, I think, might be our most torturous bunny-s. This is not Trivial Pursuit, but try for Veal her cute. Yes. We just completed comedy. Say that, say that phrase as if it was trivial pursuit. Try for your suit. So in this round, I'm going to get each player to impersonate famous bearded people ordering food from a menu. Now, good strong plus love. It was fun when Tom Benner got to type our initials into the kill screen of puns.

So the teammate has to guess both the name of the beardo and the food they're ordering. So I'll give you three each and two minutes to guess as many of them as you can. So top and Ivo, you're up first. So let's alternate. So Ivo does one, then Tom does one, then Ivo, and your two minutes starts now. Sure. Okay, one syllable. Pretty good. Pretty impressive. What do you want to eat, Mr. Chalkon? I... I... Show is really a peat very early. It was show. I get the clock.

Oh, yeah, liquid. Liquid. Liquid, but it'll only be served until midnight. Oh, soup. Yeah, until midnight. Yes. This is a day for Mr. Connery. Oh, yeah. Mr. Sean Connery.

Woohoo! Broos! Broo! My latest wife won't let me eat meat. So I'll just have some garden things on a plate. I hate this. Which, but I won't kill this one. Brian blessed with the mix salad

and quite a lot of bonus info. No, no, no! No! Sorry, I can see what you think is probably a blessing. My fucking wife, I killed the last one, but this one stays. Oh, sorry, right. Henry. LAUGHTER Uh, mix salad for Henry VIII. Yes. Okay, sorry. 30 seconds left. Um, ho ho ho, I'm done up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I mixed that up, I want some meat on a bone that comes in like a little disc, but I'm not sure. I'm going to use this phone, I'm going to ask someone who works in a financial establishment.

It's a good offer. I'm going to have the pork. That's your time, I'll let you guess. Hang on. Feel or no feel. on Novee. So, uh, Salami for Edmunds? Salami for Edmunds? That's a show we're pitching to Channel 4. It was in fact Chopps for Edmunds. Chopps of disc-suffee on the bone. Oh yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nos there, chops, discs of the bone.

Oh yeah, no, it's not great. That'll be fantastic because for that round you've got seven points. Oh! Yeah, didn't get to hear me doing Gandalf or Ring the Pork belly, which is... You will never hear my Rasbeauty Nordring eggs on toes. What a loss to the world. It's a real shame, so with two minutes on the clock, Ben and Adam, you can begin now. Jesus.

You can't tell him who you are. Right, stop. It's not fair. Jesus asking for cheese. Can you tell me it's not now? I would like chicken, medium. God is that God? You.

I was a little pusher. Chicken medium. Or hot. Extra hot. Why not fry all the flavours? God's ordering a curry. Lime and lemon? Who ordered that?

What dickhead goes there and what is that? Clean it and I enter into the spirit of things. And because I am a turtle, I want my drink to be a turtle. Adam, you've already got go, so you're very, very close to getting the answer correct. Carelessly close. Is that it, very, very chicken? Specifically the brand? Oh, oh, Nando's. What's in the hand, Adam?

You're turning Adam, you have 50 seconds. I like... Oh my god, did he kill his wife? I like you to slice me off a part of a loaf. And to spread over it, something from a tub. Just one section of the loaf, please, and with some stuff spread over it from the top! Ahahahahaha!

Is it Brian Blessed? Yes. All the re-pattery? No, just a bit of portion of the loaf of the fuck you call that? A crust? No, not a crust! When you have a portion that you put into a toaster! The joy of life! Yes!

Oh, that's your time, I'm afraid! That was two minutes only! Oh, that was two minutes! For the audience, what was the prime place in ordering there? Bread and butter, of course bread and butter, yes! The joy of life! I'm not a fucking me old! You poor person! Can I just say, they were ordering food.

That is technically food. I never said the word meal. Food from a menu. I had an incredible Hagrid impression that was in the wheelers. I was fucked on the hairy bike. So I'm very pleased. You're a fucked on the hairy bike.

I was a white hairy bike, I was pissed. At the moment, you got three, because you got Brian Bleschid as well. I was at three points. I got mad. If you looked at God and said Jesus sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot for it. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's a like theaters for December 15th. So next up folks let's clean your teeth and have some beef. It's beef brothers!

Oh yeah! You've got a problem, don't call it a problem. If you've got a problem call it a beef. If you've got a beef, then we can help, a beep, for the sorting I can be. Yes, it's Beeth Brothers, where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat-share-based gripe. So this one comes from Sue, who's in the audience tonight. Sue says, one of my best friends is so tight,

she always tries to force us to go to weather spoons on night out. Wow, the first few words. LAUGHTER That was my brain was skittin' around. Once she made me sit in a pret for two hours because the pub across the road looked too expensive and asked if we could share a drink. I've got halter, halter. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Where we go to pub? She both tap water anyway. So, you might as well go, I'm good. No, pret, not good. The no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no you are not. Do you see how did you meet this house mate? I went to you and you need her. Okay. Does she have a job currently? Yes. What is her job? That's I know that titter. That's the titter of the friend with a prostitute. She's not tight any more than. We now still can allow. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Hashtag everyday sexism. Hashtag. Yes, I'm not sure.

What are you saying? Yes, all women are prostitutes. That's not fair. That was a hashtag means. No, that's not the means that I know. I've got to give it to Lisa and Tweets. So what is her job then? Can I ask? She's a hula hooper. Wow what amazing amazing wow wow wow. Susan what do you do? I'm a receptionist. Oh that sounds like fun. So

wait she's a hula hoop. Explain I mean I know what it takes to hula hoop. She's a drama uni. We did drama uni. You did drama uni now, she just goes around Hulu who pinged. And you do receptionists. So she's living the dream and you're stuck behind a desk. Pretty much, yeah. Where does she Hulu hoop? Everywhere.

Rando waste. Any further questions? Where are you from, Seuss? I'm from North London. Oh, yeah. Where is she from, Seuss? South'm from North London. Oh yeah. Where's she from, Seuss? South Hampton. Oh, I see.

Oh. This isn't the... Did Mommy and Daddy put you through uni? Jesus. Whoa! Oh, my God. Oh, you're great. I need to tell you something.

I need to tell you as well. LAUGHTER I think we're ready for the opening prosecution. So Adam Buckston to begin the case, for the prosecution, you're one minute. I'm prosecuting her friend. You are on her side, you're against her friend. Right, right.

Okay, so I'm trying to get, like, sorry, I know. Okay, that's all right, yes. I can tell you you're on the right side, and you're on the left side. That's about it. Yeah, so basically, you're gonna explain why Suzes in the right and a housemate is in the wrong, as if you were a court.

Oh, right. Oh. Do you want to ask any questions that before we push on? Can I ask you a question? Is there any way that Ben could do this? He's pretty not heard Ben of it. As an honest takeover. I'll tell you what, I'm happy to flip it over.

If Clarky, you're willing to do that. I mean, I men on it. I'll take over. I'll tell you what, I'm happy to flip it over if Clarky will it to do that, you? I mean, I've got nothing but... I never do. I never do. As a tip. I'm happy to do it. Okay, all right, which case? And big round of applause for Clarky as he begins the case for the prosecution.

Just keep that round of applause going. How much have I got left? Fifty seconds. Well, okay. Let's break this down people, because I don't know what's going on. Objection you're on. Overruled. Definitely doesn't know what's going on. Um, look, man, we've all got friends like this.

There are souls. They turn up a party, they don't bring any drinks. They, uh, do other stuff. That might be funny. Watch and learn how to put this thing in. I think it is a fucking good point. It has to work. Do it as a hairy biker.

Come on. Come on master Harry. Use your law wand. He's not Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge, come on. Or roof a scrum chair. Oh, we go. Well, I don't know which way is up, but I do know that this lady is really a bitch. I'm so sorry for saying that.

But I mean, exactly. It's good to see the old pauses problem spread all the way across the desk. And I should point out, I have only said five words. And you've been going for two minutes. I didn't stop the timer. I was enjoying it so much. So, Clark, you have the case made for the prospect of the show. Where's your name?

And do you know what? That's a thinker that one. It's a way homeer. Now, Ivo. Ivo, you have exactly one minute to begin the case for the defence. And there's everything to play for. Your time starts now. Guys, the country, people are going through very difficult economic times at the moment. I've read.

And not all of us have grandmothers to to free-load off. Listen, if you can't get on board with a free-loading hulu, apart from the South Coast, then who can you get on board with? Both of their drama degrees have obviously failed as well, although people in glass houses. I have people.

But at least she's trying to make it work. She's not stuck on a desk, she loves prep. And I certainly don't blame her on that front. The range. Five seconds. Five seconds. I'd love a Friday night you know I suddenly don't blame her on that front the range five seconds I'd love to pray didn't I but it's been an appraise although not from one lead open later than eight so if your friends that is your time I'm afraid I'm sorry I'm basically just like to meet Susie friends. Sus would you like to tell us where

that late opening prayer is? Hol on. Hold on, fair enough. Okay, and it's another world, isn't it? The rest of the game is irrelevant now. I've got information I can't. So Adam, I'm afraid the time has come and you have to complete the case for the prosecution now. If you can try as much you can to remember everything that bent in, that's sum up in a succinct way. That'll be really useful for us. So remember, you're on suit as side, you're against a stingy housemate, and your time starts. Now, as my learned friend pointed out, your pal is doing stuff and some of that is funny. Sure, she's great at hula hooping and that's a compelling and attractive personality trait. Of course you want to keep in with her.

Why wouldn't you? With that skill. However, she is sucking the life out of you. It's like Tom's character in the movie. She's got nothing but contempt for your friendship. I don't know if you know, is a two-way street. But for this woman, it isn't. I maneuvered you into a logic alley.

And then I hopped on your back. When you least expected it, then. Five seconds. I'll give you a chance to recover. You're probably reeling. LAUGHTER She's, she sounds... Just having a phrase. The other chance to recover.

The exit word there from Madden Buston. APPLAUSE So, the prosecution rests. Now Tom, you're going to conclude the case for the defence. Yes, I agree. Can I ask the question, are you going to be doing it as yourself? I'm going to be doing it in the style of a John Grisham defence lawyer. No!

Who goes by the name of Mr Fan Shaw Standard. Well, Fan Shaw Standard presiding and indeed providing. And it's the time of the time, if you go, ladies and gentlemen after jury, Fanshal Standard here providing, presiding, we heard a lot of fancy words here today. You've probably been listening to them, loyal from the big city there. With their fancy phrases, alley streets. This is a small town, we simple folks here. Hell, I recognize you from the bitch shop.

Yeah. I tell you something. Little fella go by the name of John Jones. You remember John Jones? Well, to do. Smot suit. Red shoes. Hell yeah.

I remember John Jones the day bought a Mercedes-Benz. I sat there in my front porch, I said, Mrs. Standin'. Look at that damn Mercedes-Benz. Smell of the leather, green paint, tires. I eat never-none there, driven no Mercedes, bids, but I got my bicycle, red paint, wheelchair, shoes. Did I tell you something for nothing? I never got on where I've been going to. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we eat number, see his bims. The Finns rest your arm. That was 45 years or so.

Although, weirdly, that was the first time fan sure speech has been shorter than Clarkies. So, incredible work, man. Now, I know who's side, I'm on my own, I'm a cop for myself, but there's still the small matter of the public vote. So beloved members of the Felix audience, if you think Adam and Ben and therefore suit is in the right, applaud now. Brick to you good. Really good indeed. But if you think I fo and fan sure indeed, therefore the stingy flatmates and the right applaud now Well, there's only one round left but sadly the woods between us and the quickfire round are as Robert Frost

You might say lovely dark and deep there's miles to go before you sleep So let's pop on our crampons and scale the quick fire round jingle Probably got time to go to the toilet now. Oh my sir. Oh my sir. Can I seriously? You see the quick fire It's the round that goes really tight. And as you most probably know, the jingle is one that lasts a long time. That's the joke that we're doing And every time I have to think of things to say In order for this to be a long jingle

And all Ben has to do is play his jangle-le guitar Well I don't think that's very fair Oh well it is an actual skill I think it's time we switch places I'll have the guitar please And you can make up all those fancy, fancy words. This isn't going to work, is it? He makes it look pretty easy. I'll give him that, but it's just as hard what I'm doing over here.

We're all very proud of you. Coming up with sentences. Anyway, let's stop examining our rules. The word sentences is an actually a sentence. Well, I guess let's get on with the quickfire round. Yes! Well, I think that was absolutely the perfect length, very refreshing. So, of course, in this quickfire round, all the questions will be counseled to have got you. Oh, yeah.

Don't forget I'm pretty talented. This isn't written down. I'm just being spontaneous. I'm like being spontaneous. I'm like a musical eddy isard. Oh, I'm running for Parliament soon And I put on nail varnish. I'm gonna talk about jam.

Let's not... This... This seems like a veil attack on eddy is odd. This has not worked out as well as hide planned That's the nature of my brilliant spontaneous jingle Well, here he is, the quick fire Roooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Okay, off we go complete this quote from Winston Churchill about tax a nation trying to tax itself into prosperity It's like a man standing in a bucket and trying to what? Blood, blood, blood

No Adam, when himself into submission. Yes, that is correct. The famous Winston Churchill expression It's like a man standing in a bucket and trying to when himself in a submission. If anything, the bucket is irrelevant. Yes, yes. What do fingers have to pay? No. No. Oh, fun tax.

Some taxes correct. Yes. What? Does a bloke called Ian have to pay every time he jizzes? Ian come tax. Ian come tax. Oh, yeah. What does Drony Mitchell have to pay when an old man gets taken away?

Big yellow taxi. Big yellow taxi, yes. What does a man who's in a temporary camera structure covered in animal pelts have to pay? In the... in the... in the... in the hair... In the hair... in the sluck. In hairy tents, tax, yes. Ah! Who with the inland revenues Revenue's favourite wrestler? Hope, who good at tax?

And off from the audience. Oh! Not giant haystacks, no! Oh no, no, no! That was not the... How could it be any of the... The undertaxer? How show ma!

It was taxor gym dug in everybody, it was taxor gym dug in. What? Oh no, man! It was taxor gym dug in, everybody. It was taxor gym dug in. What? Oh, no, no! Try and hate stacks. I've crossed them out. I'm doing the fucking lot now. All right, sole cogan. Oh! Yes! And now.

Yeah, matcho man, Randy Dickhead. LAUGHTER Seems about an angry wrestler. Yeah, Macho Man Randy Dickhead. Seems about an angry wrestler. What is the Inland Revenue's favourite song by Smoky Robbins and The Miracles? The Tax of My Tears. Yes, well done, John. Son Billy, keen to get home. What?

Exonant team. What do the Inland Revenue take when they're constipated? Taxiative. Taxiative. Proom juice, the natural alternative. And the final question, which breakout star of the film, Jeremy Guyer is a poster boy for charges levied by a local authority? Adam Baxter. Cuba Gooding Junior.

Yes. What? We're looking for the... What? We're looking for a... Oh? We're looking for a... Oh! We're looking for a part-on Cuba-good in junior. Cuba-good in taxia. It's taxia.

It's almost as bad as that. Cuba taxing junior. Closer, I think of the title of the show. Fudge-share slam down junior. Fudge-share slam down junior. No... Her Manchester is revenue in Cuba-good in junior. I'd love to work for that department. That's revenue and a human living junior. Yeah. I'd love to work for that department. That's a great department to work for.

Well, if this doesn't get us all bit off stage, it is of course folks, Council Taxing Junior. Now... Oh! Oh! Show him the money! Show him the money! Finish!

Finish! That is the last ever episode of Flash-Hits Laverage. We peaked at try the wheel her suit, I think, Kels. The show has been down the toilet, and in many cases, in the toilet, for some of the show, from there. So, before we hear the final scores, there's just time for us to squeeze in some plugs. Adam, have you got anything you would like to plug? Err, no. Er, aye, vote? I just seem undignified now.

Fair enough, I'll try my best. I'll work on the pauses thing, I'll press it on. Er, thanks for having me. Oh, it's a bit, it's a bit, absolutely. So, it's an absolute pleasure having you. It's been really, really. I agree. Thanks for having me. It's been, yeah, it's been, it's been, actually having you. It's been really good. I agree. Thanks for having me. It's been jolly good. It's been jolly good. So, producer Ben, let's hear the final points.

They are painfully close. It's not the only thing about the show that's been paid for. One team has ten. The other team has eleven. Wow. Always a good side. The winners are Tom and I go! Wow! Some good redemption. Redemption. That's the sign of redemption. So, of course, Adam and Ben get a punch up the tax bracket

with this week's winners who get their next tax return filed by my accountants, Car, Barlow and Moils, are the winners. They are indeed Ivo Graham and Tom Perry. Oh! Thanks to our guest time, Ivo Graham and Tom Perry. Oh! Thanks to our guest time at Graham and Adam Bucks, and we've been Patty, CNN, Simon, and Brad Sherslam now! Oh!

Happy, he's on the Sherslam now. Richard Patrick Roddy, Mick Mark, and Tom Perry, and special guest Adam Bucks and Ivo Graham, who's demise by half an accused man, Walker Mick Mark, and then came down. I see the recording. Good work for the dinner, I think. Two James Banks, Louise, Sarah Edwards,

and Natasha Capri, Meldingham Two James Banks, Louis, Sarah Edwards, and Natasha Capri-Malding out. Darius Mark, the Bruce Lee guide, absolutely Phoenix Park for having us. Patrick's Clash, yeah, stand there. It's a plus-blogger with the Bruce Lee guide on the internet. Cheers everyone, bye! Folks, thank you so much.

Before we go, before we go, is it Claire who sent me an email today? Are you here, Claire? This is incredible, right? Now Claire says, hello Matthew, the other week I was listening to Mark Radcliffe on BBC 6 Music. And he had Robin Hitchcock on talking about his new album, The Man Upstairs. I was surprised when they played the track

Come To Jaws from the album, as Robin Hitchcock appears to have ripped off some things. Well, let's have a little listen and see what you think. I've got it here. Do you want to plug that in? We can have a little listen. Oh my god, it's exactly like Bloodlines. Go to shoes and the quake I know louse I beg you

It surrounds that goes really quickly It's incredible isn't it? He's got his going to be here with a fan of Shaw Stanton Very fucking soon Thank you for that, thank you all very, very much I'll be very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes.

Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's nonstop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's nonstop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters December 15th.