Pappy's Flatshare - Series 5, Episode 3 (Music Festival)

Episode Date: January 22, 2015

Helen Zaltzman and Holly Burn join Pappy's at Green Man festival for a fun episode recorded in a massive comedy tent at 1am on a Sunday morning! Featuring... the letter P, the phrase 'pop it up my little bot bot', voodoo and at least one contestant who has no idea what is going on. The virtuoso artwork comes from the pens and brain of Tom Hyatt - check out more of his work, and - aptly given that this episode is music festival-based - his music at his website: http://tomhyatt.co.uk Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's fall, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no. You can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup, maple lattes, and maple bourbon. Yes, we deliver those. Turtles? No. But turtles the dessert?

Yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See after details. Yes, we're in! The plan worked! I can't believe we managed to get ourselves into a music festival free of charge.

Guys, we got in through the front gates using the rather expensive tickets I bought for us. You still owe me for them. I can't believe you're managed to get ourselves into a music festival free of charge. Right now to find the perfect pitch. Okay? No! No! Wait that's not what I meant we need to set up the tent! That's yeah this isn't a camping trip. It's a music festival, bro. I wanna go find out where the horny teens are playing. I've never heard of that band. Band. Do you mean band?

Yeah, Matthew. It's a music festival. Look, I've smothered in some acid. Ben, that's self-fueling acid. Bottoms up. Ah, look. If we're gonna enjoy this festival, someone needs to plan what we're going to do.

Well, it's not going to be me. I'm off to watch someone take a shit in a hedge. They're my favourite band. Well, it's not going to be me. My tongue's floating stomach, are dissolving. I think that was some bad acid. Look. There's only one way to settle now! We're in a flat! Flashes on now! Flashes on now!

Flashes on now! Flashes on now! Oh! Wow! And welcome to Flashes Landown, the panel show that says, Together, we will go our way together. We will leave someday together You're hand in my hands together

We will make our plans together We will fly so high together Tell all our friends goodbye together We will start life new Together this is what we're gonna do. Go fast to full life is peaceful there. Go festival in the open air. Go festival where the skies are blue.

Go festival this is what we're going to do. I'm the host of that Madeline Matthew Crossby. We are live at the Green Man Festival. And while they are under my hastily assembled two birthed They'll be following my rules. Let's meet my co-campus Tom Perry and Ben Clark Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, it's early in the morning. We should let people know that yeah It's early in the morning slash late at night. It's about half past one in the morning Oh No one laughed Get ready for a great night guys morning. You're not watching our TV. Yes. Oh gosh. You said the same thing.

You're both of the same thing, no one laughed. Get ready for a great night, guys. So Tom, why are you being such a mean man at Green Man? Well, I don't want to organise this festival, Matthew, because I have a terrible time with festivals. Let me tell you, I went to a festival, it was over too quickly, it was a festival. I went to a festival once, there was no food, it was a festival. I went to a festival, there was too much food, it was a festival I went to a festival once there was no food it was a festival I once went to a festival there was too much food it was a festival I went to a festival once people had never been before it was a first of all and once

what they everyone was dropping their trousers and laughing it was a festival I went to a festival once someone took their hand at my arse it was a festival I went to a festival once it was full of cunts. It was best of all. Yes! Ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh to organise my mate Stagdoo and you know I was trying to do something exciting he was like look we just want to have a quiet one we just want to go to the park box like we've got to do better than that so I was like let's go to the factory where they make the beer yes that will be a better Stagdoo so I tried to organise that and wouldn't let me do it apparently I can't organise a piece I've been a brewery Wow, was there anyone who didn't get that joke about 10 seconds in?

And was hoping you might survive in some way Did you just describe as a joke? Has been generous this early on and obviously no festival is well done cocky by the way Thanks, mate. Thanks. I'm sorry. It's great to have you here And my honest team. You are the one who's being here. It's too late to swap sides now. Obviously no festival is complete without someone who knows how to put up your tent. So who have you brought to help with your erections tonight?

Top. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I organise a jamboree every year to go against the festivals. And my jamboree is in real trouble because it lacks jam I found the best jam maker I know who also is a barista What well Clarky come back Please welcome the wonderful jam maker is Helen Zotsman. Oh So Helen thank you for being on the show thanks Matthew

Listen are you a your camping fan? Oh, I know you're not because you're one of the few people at Green Man who's fucking off to stay in a pub Yeah, that's right. I love camping so much. I'm paying 50 pounds a night not to do it I'm roughing it a bit Matthew because there's no Wi-Fi at the pub and there's no TV but there is a stack of 20-year-old Bruce Willis films on VHS. If you want to change them out the video machine you have to leave them out with two teaspoons. How did you discover this? Is that written in the, like you can't take them out unless you've got two teaspoons with you? It's written on the back of the box in the official bloke, yeah. It's the 90s. It's lucky you had to, because you're obviously, you know, you had two spoons with you, because you're a heroin addict, so you had them with you. Oh, and it's taken us back.

Oh, and it's taken us back. It must be organised. Well, if I give a me it on the show. Thank you for introducing that element of darkness. Yes, that's right, so we are. A clarky, who have you brought with you this week? I have brought my milk, lady. That sounds so creepy.

Yeah, I've forgotten. A milk and lady are festival. To discuss, yeah, festivals. Of all the stalls. There's plenty of different stalls at festivals. Oh, there's no one just our spencing milk. Get yourself over to the milk. It's awesome.

So you know, don't take any of the red milk. There's a bad batch. Whoa. What would you write your own punchlines over there, lady? So you know, don't take any of the red milk, there's a bad batch. You'll write your own punchlines over there, I think. Which is what? Because we haven't written any. Someone's got to do it. Yeah. So who have you brought along? I brought the amazing Holly Man!

Holly Man, everybody! Now, Holly, you were, because I was chatting to Holly before the show, and I said, what do you want to chat about if we're talking about camping? And she said, oh, we can chat about my little conch. Sorry, I forgot. Oh, god, he's that kind of show. But you're so lazy, don't put your tent up. You're going to sleep backstage at the comedy tent tonight. It's not laziness.

Sometimes you just think, camping, really? I think I'm better than that. I think you might want to sleep in Helen's pub. I really think you might want to. Does anyone have a spare space in their tent for Holly to sleep in tonight? No, no, no, no, no What about any space at the Milkstall? LAUGHTER

You've taken the spare, you're sleeping in my tent. Oh, that's true. I could be one to put my tent up. So, anyway, let's move things along. So, right, that is the introduction, so, but let's move on to the main stage. As it is time for round one, let's hear the jingle. is it my imagination or have I just had to pay? A past for a fire form? And I look you for a functional I must be at a music-color festival

I had to wait for a lifetime to have a pistol to some slime I don't know the day of the day But when the sun comes up Some want those playing bongos Some want those playing bongos Some can't stop playing bongos Stop playing f**king pongos There are other birds walking out

Is it worth the aggravation To try and watch a band where some twat puts his flag in the way I've seen someone dressed like Gandalf, and I haven't had a proper shit since first day Shit's his first day I don't even know what's in spine My pillows ain't back off wide But all we need is the sunshine And we take out top top And then we take out top stuff And then we make it happen We're gonna make it happen

Stop playing fucking fun goes We're gonna make it happen Shit's on This is a fucking fun festival. It's a me What we can all agree that was long. That was really long. Someone take. That's not a jingle. Yes, you're right, it was a song. It was a song. A jie-posh in a bin. Did it, did it, did it? Here's the next round.

That was basically a rock opera. We just listened to you there. But we enjoyed it nevertheless. So for round one. Which is so, so patronot. That is the Nicholas Parsons way of moving things along. But we enjoyed it nevertheless. So round one. Round one is a themed round, themed round the festival. And this round is Porta Lou. I'll tribute to the music of Abba in it the teams have to sing. Yeah, not a love abba gets played here at the festival.

In it the teams have to sing the songs of Abba but replacing the first letter of each word with a P. So there 1974 Eurovision Song Contest, winning entry, Waterloo becomes Portelu. I literally spent hours thinking this up. So yes, I'll have more points for the performing team for Tunefulers, Panache and the correct P placement, which is tricky at a festival, don't you think,

at the St. Louis toilets. So Ben's team, you can go first, Ben and Holly. You're going... You're going to sing together, you're going to be Agnifor and the the other one do we have to guess the song I'll give it up to one if you can guess the song let's see if you can do it you have it there every single word every single word with a P with a letter P okay I understand the wrong line okay it's gonna be fun, it's really hard. You would do a really good job. You would just yell like a fucking seal.

It's harder than it sounds to pull up. You know, you said you had the rules down and you lied to us, Holly. Why are you with your arms like this? You're just going, Papa, Papa, Papa, Papa! Papa, Papa! I forgot about the rest of the words. I forgot about the rest of the words. I was so intent on the pee. And then the rest of the...

I mean, that is a much of a round. Just say the word pee a lot. Yeah, not to any particular tune. I'll throw it out because I'm guessing you can guess the song. Portally. It was Portally the name of the round, yeah, yeah. So far, you've scored a point. Clark, Ian, Holly, I've got the point. I'm portally the name of the round yeah yeah so so fine you've scored a point Clark Ian Holly I'll find a point I'm gonna give you

a second chance you can carry on okay do you know what you know are you left off you left off I believe it I'm going to stop that, stop that! But firstly, A, doesn't think you're with me for starters, honey. I was trying to get the word out. But you did the right thing. It was the history book and you just went, ah! I know, I got it too early with it so... Right, I'm getting a parking half a point, but I cannot get hold of any points.

We're gonna throw it into the next team, Hotchen Perth, Pastons. Okay. Sing along, guys. Pink, blue, pink, blonde, Pies. Pick belong, boys. Pretty pants. All this is. Two pants, two pants, Having the time of all pies

Boom, deep afl, patch, patch, peep, bibbing the panting pee Picking the panting pee Pidey, pite, and the pies are pulled Poking palpone, but pays to pull They pay pay a booze in betting in the team Big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big Oh, we did so well. Yes. Well, that wasn't bad. Was it? That wasn't bad, folks. Boom, boom, boom. But we can't accept the pink, pink, pink, pink, because that is... But you're looking for a kick. We cannot accept that.

Matthew, where the word begins with TH? Should we pronounce it further? You should pronounce it further, yes. Is that what you were doing? I don't know. No, I couldn't do anything. It was transported. I think I'm going to give you 2 each show because that was that was pretty good

The audience agree with that right four points for these guys And what I give you can't get half a point you gave me half a point half a point so the scores at that stage are half points to Ben and Holly I should deduct you half a point for that What about that bit where Holly just went, ah! No, I should deduct you half a point for that. Right, I should say to the guys there, Pankpool, Paul Papuzik. That was a brilliant effort from Tom and Helen.

But, Mama Mia, I guess that's just the name of the game. Here is another game now. It's time for Round 1 flat games. Round 2 even, flat games. And we've got yet another jingle, but this one is slightly shorter, so the girl packing up, stick around. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Game! Let's play together! Game! Let's play forever! Call the dice, spin that thing! Put that down! Choose your toll! Game!

If you lose you get nothing! Game! If you win you get gold! games if you win you get gold, gold, gold, gold, gold. It's a catchphrase, guys, gold, gold, it's catching on, listen to that. Listen to that ringing-growing the festival's sides. Many people are chanting the word gold, although something may be chanting slightly different words. So this is flat games where we take a popular sport or game where we change all the rules and we ruin it.

This week we're doing our version of surfing, which we're calling, as it's a festival, we're calling it crowd surfing, and we're calling it crowd surf board. The aim of the game is to make our audiences surf board. So everyone will take it in turns to talk about something and the aim is to not get any laughs from the audience whilst they did so. I've already heard this all right.

But he may have, but he may have an unfair advantage in this game. So basically I'm going to give you a variety of different topics. You're going to talk about each topic. We're going to go along the line. We're going to start with Tom. You have to be boring as possible. As boring as possible. Yes. You've got two lives each. Can do. And when they're gone, they're gone. So every time I think the bell, the person next starts to speak, your first topic, Tom. Yes.

If my fingers turned into penises. Ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, Holly, you can't. If you laugh, Tom doesn't get knocked out, okay? So if my fingers turn into penises, this is actually a very serious matter because if one day tragically My fingers turned into penile and I had something in my eye Then I would have to get it out by putting one of my

Dicks into my eye This is a very serious. You're losing a life there when we're looking at this. It's a very serious matter. You're losing a life there, Tom. Maybe onto Helen. When you have a handful of penises, the difficulty comes when someone gives you a very firm handshake. Especially the business situation.

If they're pumping it up and down and they won't let you. Alright, yeah, I'll get it again. Again, you're losing the point where movie God's do, I'll just move out the holly. Uh-huh. Okay, you've lost a point immediately, well done. It's quite easy to say, pick, pick, pick, pick. Clarke, if your fingers turned into penises, where would you be?

The thing is, it's a true story. My friend was having a stag, too. What do you mean? The thing is, it's a true story. My friend was having a stagdoo and I was the best man and I had to arrange where we were going to go. And my fingers turned into penises. All right. And then there was a brewery. Okay.

Yes, we're going to. We're going to move on to top, we're going to... Chocolate. We're going to move on to... We're going to do a new... We're going to do a new chocolate there. Okay. The chocolate is... Yes.

What if the world's most famous superhero was Poopermann? Well, this is a very serious topic, because if in Superman there's a building on fire and we all remember the moment where Superman blew on a lake and then picked up the lake and dropped the ice onto a building. Well, in Pupermann's case, he would have to do a really runny affair. That's more gross than funny, so we can do more to Helen. We've got to Helen get us any points there. We'd have to blow on this. Yes, we understand.

LAUGHTER At last, we know why superheroes wear their pants over their spandex all in one. Because it's just an extra level of absorbency. But, as Poopermans former Londerer, I can tell you that the whole suit inside gets compromised right down to the booths. LAUGHTER I'm afraid you lose a point there there Helen, you are out of the game. We're moving on to Holly now.

I have never found the men who are super, particularly watchable. So, this has meant to be boring, yeah? Yeah, you did a great job. Absolutely, Crackling. You're not only boring the audience, you're confusing yourself, which is a baffling turn of events. We're gonna move on. You're safe for this round.

Clarke. Well, I'm working forward to Poopermann's new film, Poopermann vs. Crapman. That's not bad, but it's not a big enough laugh I think to not get out of the competition. Okay, we're going to move on. You're still in the game. The next topic, now everyone has got one point, Helen is out of the game, the next topic moves over to Tom. Yes. And your topic, Tom. Yes. It is the only acceptable time to use the phrase pop it up my little bot bot. So I'm the only acceptable time to use the phrase pop it up my little bot bot off you go. Actually I'm a specialist in cyborgs and artificial intelligence and I'm actually working on a very small robot who can ingest eggs. So what I would say when I see an egg is in a very

socially acceptable way, pop it up my little pop pop please. I think you're saying, I think you're saying, Holly, off you carry on. Well, when I'm in my little conch, and I'm surrounded by the mini-conches. Okay, you may have knocked yourself out, if you're out here. You're lit with the only person who's fighting yourself, funnier than anyone else. I'll be honest, this one's gone over my head.

What am I doing here? It's called a podcast. You listen to it on your, on your iPod or your phone. Clarke, you carry on. I think the only acceptable time to say pop it up my little bop thought is when you're having anal sex. That's fair enough, yeah, fair enough. I will give you that. I will give you that point. I won't give you that.

I will give you that point. Hey, all. The final round. Now, the final round. I would do anything for them. The final round. Everybody's got one point. Helen's still tragically out of the game. Someone, fair. The final round.

Flaps. Harry. Talk us through your flaps. Um, flaps are multiracial. Whoa, okay, you're out. You're out. You're out, you've confused. You've got the truth.

Yeah, unlike this festival, multiracial. Unless you got whales as a race. Okay, so everything to play for are two most boring people, Holly and Ben. Oh, I'm gonna go. What? You're still talking about flaps, yeah? So, I like it in those flaps where, you know, there's abattoirs where you walk through it, and there's flapappable curtains made of see-through perspex but they're flappy and you can walk through them and they give a sense

of like arrival to an abattoir. Um... When you really want to make an entrance. It sort of stars in your eyes for cows. I was going to let I was going to move on to Clarky, but you let yourself down. The Clarky wins that game. Congratulations! That is a win! I'm still confused. Sorry, yes. Let's give some points to people who are telling you

who are out first, so no points to you. Tom, you are out next. I'm going to give you three points for that. Love that. Holly, I'm going to give you four points, but Clarky, I'm going to give you a sweet five points. Yes! Congratulations, hot god. So, producer Ben, where did that put us at the end of that round I'm going to give you four points, but Clarky, I'm going to give you a sweet five points. Yes! Congratulations! Hot God!

So, producer Ben, where did that put us at the end of that round before we go into beef brothers? At the end of round two. Tom and Helen have seven points. Ben and Holly have nine and a half. Nine and a half? Wow! Wow!

So I think that round's taught us a valuable, I didn't do survival, I didn't do it at all. So time for the Meteorists Act on the main stage. It is of course me brothers. Well if you have a problem, I'll call you in a problem, if you have a problem, call you in a beat, if you have a beat, beat, maybe we can help you for an assaulting like a beat. Yes it's me brothers, the round when we get unqualified comedians to sort out a flat share-based grumble from someone in our audience and this one comes from Matt in the Green Man audience. Matt, are you there? Like, you're rocking an absolutely fantastic wafero there.

That's really good. Is that just for the festival or is it for the whole? No, it just happened. It just happened, you didn't wash your hair for one day and that's suddenly happened. It's a wafero, a Welsh afro. It is a Welsh afro, yes. Okay, so Matt, I'm going to read out what you've written here and this is actually not a flat based beef, you've actually got a sort of tent based beef, so listen carefully to you because you'll be crossing down on him very, very soon.

My girlfriend, says Matt, turned a nightmare-ish old teddy into a burned-out hippie and it sits in the tent and scares the piss out of me when I get back to the tent at 3am. That is our problem. So your girlfriend has made a weird little teddy effigy. So is she using it to sort of, she's popping it on top of herself so you don't come any closer, is that what it is? No, no, she's a textile artist and she goes, buys horrible toys that look like they have. She's a textile artist. This is a classic green man responsive. No, she's a textile artist. Holly and Ben, you're on Matt's side. Helen and Tom, you are on the side of his girlfriend and indeed the Teddy.

So it's time for a cross-examination. Does anyone have any further questions for Matt about the Teddy or about his girlfriend? Why has she done to customise the teddy to make it hide the issue? Good question. She's given it like a bandana, she's put feathers on it, she's given it a waistcoat. It looks a bit like Willie Nelson. How does she do it? Seven foot tall. Seven foot tall, that's the reason. She's not Willie Nelson. It could be. I appreciate she's a text on Alters, but why has she done this? Objection, Your Honor. I mean, come on. No, that is conjecture.

That's the oldest legal trick in the book. I mean, come on. I quit the mother fucker. It's not the weirdest thing she's done with the teddy bear. Oh, I'm the talking. Oh, oh, oh, oh. That's bad. Oh. she's done with the teddy bear. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Shit's just got real. Matt, tell us what's the weirdest thing she's done with that teddy bear. Keep it clean.

She got a witty poo and she turned it inside out and it looks like something from Salem's lot. So she sort of disemboweled a witty poo. Yeah. And you're willing to sleep next to her. You're not concerned. You're going gonna wake up one morning disembowel She's got a cat bed. I've got an air bed. That's the system. We've got what? Let's call the whole thing You know you calling her your girlfriend. Yeah, she actually she's actually a teddy bear I do get worried when she calls you my little teddy bear, you're like fucking hell, my stuff is coming out tonight!

I will be here! I am going to lie down, I am sorry. And has this, uh, hippie teddy got a name? Yeah. Why is it? Winnie Nelson. Oh, of course. And when he says, burn now.

It looks like it's done all the afternoon at the fucking world. Amazing. Right. Okay, I think we've even moved on. So, Holly, you're going to start off. You've got a minute to make the case. In favor of Matt, your minute, Holly Burn begins now. Poor poor Matt. Just a... Matt, what do you do, Matt? Oh, I... Oh, you're going to start...

Wait, I'm going to start your hat. You're going to have to ask your ass better the questions. And you just said, come on, man, or whatever it was. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm's got a tendency and he's bed I don't know why I was asking that you again You're more confused than anyone here in most people here are fucking high Holly you've got a further 53 seconds. Okay. Your time continues now Matt What do you do? Oh Matt, what do you do? No, you think I am a star. No, it's not a star, it's not a star.

It's not a star, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star.

No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star.

No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's not a star. No, it's got a... Wait, let's put you again. If you ever see like a courtroom drama before. I'm basically doing the job of a lawyer. I'm telling a story. Alright, you've got 25-4 seconds. He's lying. You know you look the teddy bear that got all the acid in the world.

Does it look a bit like a funny? Okay, 25-1 seconds off you go. All the Barbies, all the Cindy's, there's a Cindy bathroom and a Barbie farm and they're all lined up lovely on the ground sheet and they're just a waste for the day. Excuse me. Are you? Yes! To laugh! You're on it!

That is your time, Holly. That's your time. Well done. Thank you so much for playing the game. But yes, the big round of applause for Holly, everybody. I actually just described a dream I had. You're a very elegant argument. Now, basically, the organist is the case against maps. It's going to be very difficult to do that. It's going to be very difficult to do that. It's going to be very difficult to do that.

It's going to be very difficult to do that. It's going to be very difficult to do that. It's going to be very difficult to do that. It's going to be very difficult to do that. It's going to be very difficult to do that. It's going to be very difficult to do that. It's going to be very difficult to do that. It's going to be very difficult to do that.

It's going to be very difficult to do that. It's going to be very difficult to do that. It's going to be very difficult to do that. Okay, so Helen, you have a minute to put the case forward for the teddy bear and Matt's girlfriend at your time starts and now. I put it to you Matt, that if you forbid your girlfriend to bring her terrifying art project into your tent, she will start experimenting not with stuffed toys but with human bodies. And I think when you wake up next to a collage of limbs, you will start to miss Winnie Nelson and his sinister little bandana. And also, most coffee toys are horrible anyway, so really she's doing them a favour by making them look like creepy old people.

And cabbage patty kids were an unexpected hit, so maybe she could mark it this for Christmas and you will have a share of the spoils, I think you'll be very ungrateful. Furthermore, how much time have I got left? and you will have a share of the spoils. I think you'll be very ungrateful. Furthermore, how much time have I got? You've got about 20 more seconds here. Christ on our bike. Stop, stop, stop, it's grabbing Barbie free shoes. LAUGHTER

Yeah, if the Chapman brothers have done very well out of similar avenues, so don't discount this. In fact, encourage it. Just live somewhere else and maybe get a different girlfriend. And I think it was a bit absolutely fine. That is your time. That is your time, then. So, Big Rumble of the Helen. Yeah.

Helen there. By the way, as a reveal that she only hates camping, she hates cuddly toys. You joyless bastards. Cuddly and cuddly toys are lovely. So Matt, we're back over to you. Are you still there, man? How do you think it's going so far bearing in mind?

You've got Holly on your side. There was a rustling in the tent last night about 5 a.m. Yes. Also was the wind start to suspect it might have been Holly. Excuse me, I thought even to his Barbie, it had fog. All right, you've had your time, Holly. Barbie, what? Clarke, no. Normally I tell you to continue the case,

but you're pretty much to begin the case for the prosecution after Holly had a spectacular public meltdown. Yolo! So Clarke, you have exactly one minute to begin the case for the prosecution, now remember you're on the mat side and your time begins. All right, let's get real here. Pooooooop!

Mwah! Mwah! She's going to kill you! I mean, we're all dancing around it and we're having a laugh. But I think at least 80% of the people here are genuinely worried for your safety, for your hair style Because to stuff a teddy bear with a bathroom, it's truly the desire of any good Textile artist thank you, I was gonna say taxidermit Textile artist.

Good God, I mean bloody hell mate. I mean if not for the fact that she's going to kill you, she's a textile artist. Get out of here! It's your time, class. I mean, it's your time. It's your time. I'm going to bed, guys, everybody.

Jesus Christ, Matt, minutes. Did you add your time, alright? Let the Jesus Christ man be struck from the record. Tom, now are you going to be... No, you've had your time. I'm? Let the Jesus Christ man be struck from the record. Tom, now are you going to be, no, you've had your time. I'm going to be a millionaire, are you? Dexter. Jesus.

You're not going to be a millionaire, spoke to the buyer guy during the podcast to one of the more. So Tom, are you going to be state in the case for the defense? I'm going to do it in the style of a Southern defense lawyer from a John Grisham film

as the Fanshawe Standard Mr. Fanshawe Standard, I'm a dry Grisham film Preciting and indeed providing your minutes if you need it Begins now Ladies and gentlemen of Dijuri We've been set here to day hell this moment We've been listening to a lot of damn damn fancy words of a day. We've been loved and earth here.

We're not dead, we've damn dead, did we? We sold the earth, we're shoes and socks, we dress under our feet. Hell, we're here, did we? How do you feel the cross if you't choosing to talk to? How I'm getting to that young woman sounds to me like someone's a bit impatient over there. And you know what I'm talking about? I'll see you around the town. Why are we talking about here? You and me know this, it's a pagan festival. We know about them dear forces in the world. Hell, you've been a new Orleans.

I don't want to tell you now, because I consider you my friends. Seven years gone by, I had myself an awkward wart. Hell, doctor, ain't gonna do nothing for it. You know what the science creatures are like? I went and visited Old Nature Bits and down in New Orleans. There's a dark arts at work here, ladies and gentlemen. I don't mind telling you that won't eat there no more. Mekulelephagias, foodoo, darkards, shoes under your feet.

You know what I'm talking about. No further questions you honor. That is your standing. Making a minute last, last two minutes fifteen there. Now obviously I can't make an decision myself because I am out of my mind on those legal highs, guys. So instead of throwing it out to the totally sober two o'clock in the morning, Green Man Festival audience, if you think Holly and Ben and therefore Matt is in the right, applaud now! Yay!

Thank you both of you. Didn't even applaud for yourself there. I can't even say that by what I just said. Whereas if you think Fansure and Helen are in the right and therefore his girlfriend and Winnie Nelson applaud now. No further questions, your honor. Congratulations on the first one. He's just killed a man.

We will talk. Definitely taps out. We're going to go taps out for this one. Well listen, it's not quite the end of the road. Now by the way, by the way. It's been so long for two ladies. you can't, I'll do it though, I'm happy to do it. Oh my god. Touch the leather leather.

Touch the leather leather. Don't you want to ask for it? What's the name of hair alive? Right, oh it's always been there's a nip in the air. There's a nip in the air, guys, but it's liberating. There's six nips in the air, it's a chilly up. There's an imp in the air, guys, but it's liberating. I really, really love it. There's six nips in the air. We can see them. They are out, they're out and about.

So it's not quite the end of the road yet. As we celebrate in the quick far round, but first we have to get past the monster of rock that is the quick far round jingle. So I've often have a meltdown as you listen to this. No, no, no. listen to this. It's the round that goes really quickly And this is the song That introduces that round But it takes a long time

Ooh, it takes fucking ages You see the things We're at a musical festival And I think this might be the last song of the night It's the headlining song What about her? So in that case, we'd better make it epic. So how about we drop in some drums? That's some good drumming clock, and it's funny.

And now may I suggest a little bit of brass? That would be different. No, no, I want some brass maids. Not sure why I have the facilities. Now we've got the brass, and we've got the drums. It's time to regain that, there it comes, that male voice choir. Quick fire! Quick fire! Quick fire! Quick fire! Quick fire!

Quick fire! Quick fire! Quick fire! Quick fire! Quick fire! Quick fire You're just work on the last boat there Tommy you really nailed it That was actually with a farm. So of course the quickfire round in this, all the questions are going to be music festival

based. So we brought in some strings now, and the string sections well and the drum beat So great, but you're a bit long on the floor Now let's drop some fat bass And then let's have a singer of e-mail origin Let's go on the phone Ryan Wilson Let's have some police irons

And an anvil All the crowd will Yes, I'm King Bingo And some thing that click in this And click fire Roar Thank the clicking of this new inspired! RAAA! What a late party late party late party late party! What a late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late party late So Tom and Helen, let's hear your buzzers. Whistling and holly and Ben, let's hear yours. Okay, off we go.

According to his last Will and Testiman, what does Michael Evis want to happen to his body after his death? Holly. Cramanteed? You're having that, that may be true, we're looking for funny answers, but... LAUGHTER

She's really showing this up for what it is. It really is. It explodes as a hole in the format if you play it properly. I've got it, I've got it, I've got it. You've got it. Glaston Berry. He wants a Glaston Berry. There you go.

Which style? Sorry. Now you understand. Here we are. Now we're in. We're in. Well that's great. With five minutes for the end of the show, you finally have some of the fucks going on.

That's always good stuff, Holly. Which 70's Grand Rock Band appears at most British festivals? Top mud. It is indeed mud. Yes, well done, the point of the audience was well. Which festival would you go to if you were a jealous male? Go on. Oh, yeah.

I couldn't. Holly. I knew it, but I couldn't say it. It's the green man. You could say it. Well done, the points. I've got a stop. I've got a stop treating you like you're's the green man. You could say it well, darling. Points. I've got to stop treating you like you're on the special table. Which festival would you go to if you were a milky coffee that had been masticated?

Helen. Latitude. Latitude. Yes. Oh, yes. Which one would you go to if you really liked milk, snow and wedding dresses? Ah, Clarke. Oh, I think we've just got it. White, white, white. No. I told you to stop chanting that.

Sophie Ferry, you can get away with it here, but those faces. Ben. I love white. I love white. I love white. What festival do you go to if you're a brittle transparent, but very heavy heavy small fruit? Tom, glass, turn, berry.

Glass, turn, berry, indeed. And what bestie would you go to if you're a massive, massive twat? Bestie, more! Beh- Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Oh! Okay, go fuck yourselves! Go fuck yourselves! Last quick five question, which breakout star are you going to go out and find out all the music festivals? No, not Tom Gurus, no, not Tom Gurus. Tom Gurus is just chilling out. You holly, by the way. He's the male, the male, the female, and Holly.

I would have said that. What's that? Keeper Gooding Junior. Can you do a pun on a festival to make sit around Keeper Gooding Junior? Not really, no. I would have said that. What's that? Keep a good in junior. Can you do a pun on a festival to make it around? Keep a good in junior. Not really. No, it's not your job, buddy.

Come on, do you guys. Cute. Cute. Cute. Cute with... Cute festival! No, it's not cute festivals. Very few stores.

No, it's not. It's cute for the bar. Good in junior. That's a very final question. That's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not.

It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not.

It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. Oh my god, she's got all game. So before we hear the final scores,

there's just time to squeeze in any plugs. Helen, would you like to plug your podcast? Yeah, right, it's on to me this. It's me. Yeah, thanks. That's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just,

that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that's all I just, that Holly, you're barely even in this podcast, so... I'm just focusing on what is a podcast! You should have asked that before you said yes to doing the podcast! I'm a vision-inclimate! You can find Holly's podcast at www.barbyfarm.com.uk forward slash, back shit!

You can't fall a slash back shit Produce a bed we can't wait to find out who has finally won flat-sheets land out at the Greenman festival Oh, it's exciting. What be you, holly? Stop getting excited about it. Look go. Let's find out who has won flat-sheets land out and I remember everyone tops off Top off, okay, it is pretty close. Yes. What? One team has 12, one team has 13. The winning team is Ben and Owen. Oh no! I can't believe it! Top top in everybody! The family's flashes that have taken it to back. You've brought your best off in Top Paris with special guest Holly Bern and Helen Tusswood.

It was devised by Paddy's book and you believe it was devised at all. Big thanks to producer Ben Walker who will soon be with us and everyone here at Greenman Festival to Henry, Winnergum and Doran Chbob, the British comedy guide and Paddy's flashers that now is a first production for the British comedy guide and the internet. Cheers everyone! Bye!