Pappy's Flatshare - Series 5, Episode 4 (Cellar)

Episode Date: January 29, 2015

Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett join Pappy's in the last episode of this short but hopefully perfectly formed series. Featuring... grumpiness, cheeriness, two Billies and windmilling. The brilliant but bonkers artwork comes from the mind of Jacob Sheep - follow them on Twitter @jacobsheep or visit them at http://technologygnomoly.blogspot.co.uk/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free them at in that book. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters for December 15th.

Tom Ben, one of you needs to sort out that cellar. Salt her out. What like killer? I can't do that. I love blind date too much to sort out that cellar. Salt her out. What like killer? I can't do that. I love blind date too much. No, not cellar. The cellar, it's full of shit we'll never need. Look, Mathia, we can't clean out the cellar.

Where else would we keep all the shit we'll never need? All right, I'm gonna open the cellar door and one of you can check the door. No! Ow. Oh, I get it. You're scared, aren't you? No.

We're not scared. I just think going into the cellar is degrading. Why it's Debasement look one of your buffoons is gonna clear out that cellar. I'm not gonna do it. It's too dark I guess that's why they call it cellar black and I'm not gonna do it last time I went into the cellar I got beaten up it was a salt cellar. Well, there's only one minute to settle this. We're going to have to have a... Flashes! Let me go!

Flashes! Let me go! Flashes! Let me go! Flashes! Let me go! Flashes! Let me go!

Hello and welcome to Flash. Who? The panel show that says, Hey boys, sitting in your tree, Hello and welcome to Flat Show! The panel shows it says, Hey boy, sit in the e-tree, Mommy always wants you to come for tea, Don't be shy, straight and ugly, Tagged down from the tree, House sitting in the sky,

I want to know, just what to do, Is it very big, is there room for two? I've got a house with the windows and doors, I'll show you, manual, show me yours, Gotta let me in! Hey, hey, hey Let the fun begin Hey, I'm the wolf today

Hey, hey, hey I'll puff, I'll puff, puff, puff, puff, Flue you, I'll say you will, say you won't Say you'll do what I don't Say you're true, say to me Celebrity, say you will, say you won't Say you'll do what I don't Say you're true, say to me, Celevie say you will say you won't say you'll do what I don't say you're true say to me get a life Celevie I'm the host and I'm on Matthew Crossbeam Under my roof

They'll be following my rules please welcome my tenant Tom Perry and Mr Ben Clark Please welcome my tenant Tom Perry and Mr Ben Clark. Oh! That's how Tom, why are you refusing to go down to the cell, fella? Well, it's a terrible story, but years ago I used to live in Italy. I believe it or not, I ran a curry house in Italy. And I used to keep all the poultry that I'd make my curries out of, downstairs in the basement. It was a very valuable basement. It was made of gold. So I picked up the scene, there I am, in Italy, running a curry house, and I keep all the poultry for my chickens.

Downstairs in a basement made of gold, and then one day I woke up to cut those chickens and I found out that they had run off and they had stolen the basement as well. That's right. The chicken, the take a masala! The chicken, the tikka masala! Chicken, Tika, Masala. I'm chicken, Tika, Masala. I genuinely wish... I wish this was a video podcast because Ramesh is face right now. It is an absolutely fucking picture.

That's what we do. This might be the first time we have a guest walk out before they've said it worse. What I like about that is Tom came up to me before the show went, Oh, don't worry. I've got a brilliant one this week. Surely Tom, base-mency rice was better as a...

Oh! That's why we're a team-error. Rob, you're gonna fit in very well on this podcast. I don't do, now I can't do that one in the Quickfire round. So, Ben, with everything to play for, why are you too yellow to become a seller to all I've had? Well you want to leave this, I want, I want to run a curry shop in Italy. I think sellers are bullshit.

That's it. And also there's that thing isn't there that Selador is apparently supposed to be like the nicest phrase in the English language, Selador. What the- You know, as no one ever heard this before. This is from Donnie Darko. No, it's from FACT. They just mentioned it, Donnie Darko.

It's from FACT. Well, the people against piracy in videos. LAUGHTER Go on, I want to hear this. I was just going to give you some alternatives to Selador that I think are personally nicer to word phrases. OK, we need a nice ass out of it. See what you think.

Hilarity and shoes. Hey, listen, you are on thin ice top. We haven't forgotten how the show started, all right? Bush gown. Can't believe it, you just got a standing ovation. It's just unbelievable. How about this one? Lissaniously.

Have you got more on your list? Because I think you should just drop them in as the podcast Good call actually, happened to do it. In between rounds Was that yours? Not bad, not bad So he's already had a chat, so Tom do you want to introduce your guest for this week? The Jamboree is in danger, ladies and gentlemen. Attendance has been a record low because of the inclement weather. So I've put a poster campaign together to try and get people back to the Jamboree. So I thought, who is the person with the most winning smile that I know?

Please welcome my guest for the evening. He made it very downbeat, haven't you? It's mr. Rob Beck everyone Hello Rob, thanks for coming on the show Rob are you a you're good flatmate? Are you a bad flatmate if you hand me flatmate disasters? I wouldn't like to live with me. Well, that's like it's your you Yeah, exactly. I'm very annoying. I get bored, so I wake all the others up in the morning. Just like when I used to play in like FIFA, and just if they're like, I've got to go,

Oh, great goal. Oh, oh, oh, nearly in. LAUGHTER I mean, I'm running commentary. Not only you about housemates, you're a really shit commentator. Yeah. Oh, nearly in. Nearly in.

And then stuff like that to wake them up so I wasn't lonely. So I was quite irritating, but I enjoyed it. And Clarkie, who have you brought along with? Well, it's my pal from way back when we used to run a Pymate radio station together. It's Ramesh, Rangalathan! Now, Ramesh, are you a good house mate? What kind of a house mate are you? I'm a great house mate, but I've been victimised in the past.

Have you lived with Rob? I have actually. I have you. Yeah, every morning I was greeted first thing in the morning by Rob, a wind milling my face. The entire duration of it. The entire duration of it. Win milling your face.

Oh, we did lift a garbagey. I forgot about this. Oh, that was you. I knew I'd win mill some money. In Edge in bro, wouldn't it? It was fun. I used to get embedded in me, didn't I? A company, didn't it? That's one of them. LAUGHTER

Let's crack on with round one. So the teams have reeled the skeleton to their closets, but not the secret families in their basements. Let's play round one. CHEERING APPLAUSE Come on, if you need. My man, I'm now well into boots. I haven't seen him there recently.

MUSIC But I already know there's only one player There recently But I already know there's only one place that gone with me Under the floor Next to the broken city Behind a pile of fhm Comes search with me Under the floorboards, a lighter with no bones Under the floorboards, the thick edges of young guns

Under the floorboards, a polypocket house Under the floorboards, holy shit it's a mouse Under the floorboards, holy shit, it's a mouth. Under the floorboards, floorboards. Well, there we have it. So, so rounds one we're going to play this week is called drum and basement jacks. In this round, players have to MC over a drum and bass beat. Right? They're going to have to MC different clues as to the identity of some famous jacks,

so it could be anything from Jack Spratt to a union jack. Their teammate has to guess as many as possible in one minute of fat drum and bass beats. I'll also award points for Swagger and for Braap, but also... LAUGHTER I'll also, of course, forget the answer answers right, which is very important. Ben, you can go first. There are yours. Now, Robert, you're going to guess first of all.

So, Clarky, your one minute begins. Who's dropping the beat? Producer Ben is dropping the beat. Why, did you want to do her drama based beat? No, it's okay. Oh, I feel... If you want to do it, you can do it for a little bit. I mean, we'll cut it out. We'll cut it out the podcast, but you can do it Go and give it a go and give it a shot. Oh I was the star bit. I I'm sorry

I'm supposed to start the live stage tonight the live feed tonight? What's that about? I'm supposed to come out. It builds up and then it drops, doesn't it? I hadn't thought it through. Anyway, go carry on. We all remember in Ronnie's eyes and represented you say, I'm sorry guys, we didn't think it through. We just thought we'd boil an old-fashioned kettle on stage

and that would work out for us. And are we allowed to pass? You could certainly pass if you're going to get it. Uh, let's do it in a drum and bass style. You have to do it in a drum and bass style. Oh! I'm starting to doubt what I think... I know!

Guys, you got into the drum and bass night and night! L.T.J. Bookham is going to be there. It's going to be off the hill, sir! Come on, come on. Rommage, don't give me the stair. No, no. I don't know how this is going to be like this. Oh, no.

We need to take a picture of Rommage's face so that the listeners at home can enjoy it. This is more dammit than any one style review on iTunes. Alright, come on, let's just get this done. Well, you have never had a morgue up to guest, and I want you to be a regular. You have to come back every week. Okay, Clark Eat Your Minute Starts When The Beat Drops. Wee! Yeah, he is the one to do. Oh, Jack, Jack.

Oh, he's an actor. You will be priming. He was in the film called the Shining. Shining person. Yeah. Oh, but he got a minute, my friend. Oh, he's also an actor. He was in the film. He might have seen him. He was about my god. Oh. He's also a doctor. He was in the film.

He might have seen him. He was about pirates in the Caribbean. That's Maro. Yes. Oh. Oh. Is this... Okay.

I'm sorry, my flow is a good enough. Oh. Oh, yeah. He is our singer. He's got a great set of pipes. He was in a band called The Wayne Strames. Yes. Thank you. Oh, right. What are you saying? Are you serious? That's right. Yeah, right. What I loved about it was that Rommesh was both hating the game and being frustrated how bad

Ben was acting as well. I'm not enjoying this game, but I'm also not enjoying that I'm not weak in this game. Rommesh, you can redress the balance because you've got seven on your list here. So if you can get seven in a minute, I can't wait for this. I honestly can't wait.'s better be fucking stunning mate rubbish You're... I can't stop smiling because you can't smile

Okay rubbish your minute starts when the beat drops Yeah drop the boot Yeah this one for the beat of bad boys Check it, watch the ride. As we come inside, this game makes me feel like a cop. This guy was from school of rock. A job like correct my selector. Easy now. Please do not, the court will take this.

This guy was a convicted rapist or they never caught him and he lost some murder proper hookers and that and he was proper like he's in London town he used to get down and jack you in the fanries, you must just... That's correct, theinnah Plays, okay? Next one. This guy was in his teens, he got some fucking magic beans, oh crazy! Put him into the inside. Yeah, correct, what time?

This one, it's just one word, it's about telling a story like as a nerd and it's on CB these and it was proper. Yes, I'm Fuck the beat I'll go at Coppola God, I'm all this shit. I enjoy I mean the thing is the thing is I'm definitely gonna be five points for crap So that was that was a fucking. The beat makes you come alive. Listen, it just took over me. Oh, I enjoyed that trip, I think.

So I'm going to give it five points for that. How many did you get right? Four. So that's nine points, not bad. Not bad at all. Now Tom, are you ready to go? You're taking the mic out of the stands You're sweating profusely Your your minute starts with the beat drops Oh You know what I'm talking about

Education bad education. Yeah, well next ones are free thrill, I got a girlfriend, she called Jill, I think I'm bitch right up to him. Right up, right up, down to him. Oh, me kaga stolen, me kaga stolen in America, so it's gold. Oh, yeah, now me being in moon, now me being quick, me gonna jump on a candlestick Oh yeah, so who am I? Oh no, no, no I'm not rolling stone socks, I'm rolling stone socks, not very long Tell me exactly. Yeah, yeah, me and Obleyde, me and Obleyde, don't sleep me bad

I write a book, do I write a book? Yeah, I write a book, I write a book? Yeah, I write a book. I write a book. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That was like an old man with bronchitis. I don't know anything about books or polo. Is it Jackie Collins? Jackie Collins, yeah. Is she about that polo? Don't think so. Is it a Ginny Cooper there?

Ginny Cooper. Yeah, I was really panicked. Yeah, we could tell. I read a book. I read a book. I read a book. I read a book I read a book do I read a book Well the hay literary festivals gone downhill, isn't it? We did well we did we have to tell yourself you did well

Wrong here are yours now. I have me was that that was that you got for there Harry. How much for brop? I'll give you a half for brop But I am gonna take half a half for Brapp. I'll give you a half for Brapp. Oh, God! But I am going to take half a weight for the racist accent. So, you know, swings around about to mate. It was Italian. Okay, Rob, your minute starts with the beat drops. Oh, God.

I'm a poor knight. I could go to the start of 24. Jack power! Oh god. The mum's called Jack but I'm just speaking. I can't even do it in speaking. Oh god, I can't do this. I can't do it. Little gold.

That's so name Russell. Jack Russell. Jack Russell! Yeah, so I am. Mark of Jackson's brothers but when they're all together. Jackson five. Yeah, yeah. And that whiskey with a local Jack likes or eight. Jack Daniels. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Play for me. Yeah, no. That was a difficult beat. I improvised. Can I say to you? I can't clap in time. I've got sound wrong in my head, but I can't do music.

And I had a little break there. Did you think that what Thomas Dumas music? Yeah. I like the phrase, I'm up all night, like a dirty horse, describe Jack Bauer. Yeah. It's like a sweet music. You know that show about the bloke all night like a dirty horse describe Jack Bauer. Yeah, that's sweet. There's no that show about the bloke who's like a dirty horse. No, I'm going with 20. They're the way his job is, but he always never goes to sleep like a horse,

you know? I still love the way that I think the chat russles are called chat russles because their surname's russles. Well, can we... I'm guessing that round has to have gotten to Ben and Romish, right? Yeah. What, what, what the scores? Tom and Rob have got six, Ben and Romish got 12.

Oh! I don't know. Well, yeah, Ben and Romish did win that round, but it's too early to sell her. Brate. Nothing for that, Romish. You made a stole, Romish, come on. No, no, no. So there's still three more rounds to go.

So let's play the next round. It's called Flat Game. Before we do. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, It was really worth stopping the show for producer Ben, thanks a bit that piece. Let's make the game a game. Let's make the river roll the dice spin that thing, put that there. Do as you told, game. If you lose you get nothing, games. If you win you get gold. Gold, gold, gold, gold. It's a catchphrase. If you win, you can go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go on, it's a catchphrase! Listen to that rommet, not a catchphrase. It's not a phrase. Listen to that! That's the sound of a phenomenon! You know what, they just don't want any more of us to talk. You know, that's all it is. They want anyone here on the panel to... Okay, so this week we're playing our version of Radio 4 of Favourite, just a minute, which we're calling just a half a minute.

I don't know why they didn't think of it sooner. The show could be over in half the time. It's brilliant. So each play over given a subject to speak on must do so for exactly half a minute. However, I won't tell them when the 30 seconds is up. Whoever can stop themselves closest to 30 seconds without going under time will win. Without going under.

Without going under. So, under in your disqualified, I'm afraid so top. Whoa! Shit just got really. Yeah! Do you have all about deviation, remuneration and occupation or whatever? Like are you doing any of that? I can't read in for this question. No, the only rule is close to 30. Okay, so this really is sort of a crap version. Okay, that's fine. I just wanted to get it sorted.

Listen, if you don't want to be a mate, just please stick around for another 40 minutes. So Rob, you're up first. Sure. Try not to let Ramesh is lacerating a critique of the game. Oh, exactly. I think it's going to be a fun game. Don't forget to subject the million. I'm going to fucking that out.

Don't. Don't bow to it, okay? Okay, so I've got to talk about the second part. Your topic, Rob, is the Good Old Days. Make of that what you will. And your time starts now. I so like the good old days where you could shit in your pants roll about for a bit and someone could come and clean it.

It didn't always have to be Ramesh. But sometimes it was fun to watch him look at me and win-meal my tiny poo-covered penis in his face so that's why I love the good old days I'm finished. Very impressive. He went a bit, he went a bit pido, you know, but I was under pressure. And you put those... Those were the good old days, I was thinking of you on the hook. Get away with that shit, mate.

Don't worry about that. It's all good. Now, Rommage, I've planned this category before, but I think it's pretty apropos. Your topic is... Yeah. I wish I'd never seen that. LAUGHTER is. I wish I'd never seen that. And your time starts now.

When I had my first shot, oh Jesus Christ, basically when I was living in Edinburgh I was forced to live with a cheeky little prick called Rob Beckett. And one of the things that he liked to do all the time was he liked to go, ah, from Lewis Sherman, it's like his little catchphrase. And he liked to try and cheer me up. And the way that he would do that is everyone on I'd wake up. And he would be naked in my room, just standing astride my forehead. And he would just swing his dick repeatedly

in my face just for ages and ages. And often when he'd do it on the TV behind him was Jeremy Carl, and I wish I'd never seen that. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Can I just say, after saying it was a shit version, you didn't understand the rules of the game, didn't you? What's your name? Nothing.

All right, here we go. Tom, your topic and your 30 seconds. I'm going to try and employ my one word, one second plan. Don't give the game away, Clark, he's still to play, don't give the game away. He can't take to 30. Okay, Tom, if I had a million pounds, is your topic and your time starts now. If I had one million pounds. Why? What? A. Man? I would be strolling through. Soho. A. Gold. Hat. Gold hat atop my brow covered in hair because of plugs I could afford. Da da!

Thank you Tom. And, Plucky, your 30 seconds starts now and your topic is... Oh, is it started already? No, no, no. I shouldn't have said it starts now. I shouldn't have confused you now. Your 30 seconds starts any second now. Okay. And your topic is... Wait a second. Well, I'll tell you, the specific one. Your topic is things to do in your board and your time starts now. Masterbait. Masterbait. When I am bored I often, well which is pretty much all of the time, because I don't have much on.

So, this isn't therapy. It is now. Scrapping guys. I watch a lot of box sets. Watching the shield currently. It's pretty good. I think I'm pretty much seeing everything. I haven't started watching manga, started watching anime, and things got pretty desperate. It's everyone else have this problem. LAUGHTER

So I can't really remember what I was doing. What? Old time. Pretty close, classy. Pretty close. I mean, like Miles away from 30 seconds and the worst one. But pretty close, mate. To a breakdown, is that what I'm going to do? Right, so here we go. Here we go. This is the... Okay. This is the... Okay. This is why we need a bit of atmos music.

Can we get Rommesh to Drum and Basset? That's not really the atmos we're looking for, is it? Let's do it. Okay, I'll do my best drum and bass. Hello everyone, I'm here to say I'm drumming, basing in a special way. Everybody knows that we've had some fun. 30 seconds, how's it going? Well, I'll tell you, as I read the Times,

hope you've got a pile of mimes. Okay. Here we go guys, now don't keep it going, because I was enjoying that. In reverse order, there was Clark Key with 52.73. Wow, not bad. It was actually 0.75, didn't it? Right. In next place, in next place was Rollmesh.

He had 49, 38. Then came Thomas Parry. He got 45, 16. And they finally rocked up 32-10. So pretty close, Royal Gwadda. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, yeah. For content, I think we've got to take a couple of points away

from Clarky for the content of the speech. What it was too sad. What to do when you're bored. Stop challenging the quiz. You don't point to me that at you. You know what, I'm going to duck points for you challenging another challenge. Oh, that's fast-fired. You want to clean that egg off your face, mate?

Oh, take some points off that, come for what he just said. He just said, come, all right. This is the first time I've ever done this. You're all back to zero. Are you serious? Yes. I didn't say anything then. You're all back to zero. I think that's played into our hands. Yeah, all back to zero. I look that's played into our hands. But we've all been with it. We're all back to zero. Yeah. I look at the two masterminds, aren't I?

I've got them now. Yeah. I've got them now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, zero, because he is. Yeah. This is the genuinely the most infertile one we've ever done. Oh, is it?

LAUGHTER Well, I think that round is taught as a valuable lesson. I'm talking about flies when you're having fun. If only that round had been fun. So producer Ben, we know the scores at that round are zero to both team. So let's fire up the griddle and have ourselves a healthy slab of beef brothers. Do you want to see what the world is really like? and have ourselves a healthy slap of beef brothers! Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining.

A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot for... It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters for December 15th. Well, yes! You had a problem! I'm caught in a problem if you've got a problem, call it a bee. Maybe we can help you a bee from the sorting out your bees.

Yes, it's bee brothers, where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat share base grope. So this one comes from Bill in the audience. Hey, Bill. Hello, you're right. Yeah, I'm not bad. So Bill says this. I live with my mum. That's no problem, she's a lovely woman.

I live with her boyfriend as well. He runs his own company and begrudges that I don't. So every time I come in the house, he presents dragons' den-style ideas to me, persuading me to start one. Latest ideas, bypassing UCAS. Vegetarian shoes, and a replacement to cars. So, that is Bill's problem. Hang on a sec. Just before you ask any questions, Clarkie, I'll tell you now that Ben and Ramesh, you are on Bill's side, okay?

All right, Bill. Hi, Bill. I'm really happy to help, I'm trying to help. And Rob, Rob and Tom, you are on the side of the mum's boyfriend. Fuck you Bill, you piece of shit. No, no, no, no. Bill seems like a nice joke, right? There's time for the cross examination, okay, so Clark, you have an immediate question. Do you want to start the cross examination? Yeah, hey Bill.

Hey, don't get many bills now. That is the yeah, no Is that a question that can't be the question? I know your board and you're probably bought my depressed please It's also my mom's boyfriend's name as well. Oh no So that is gonna be confusing can we call you Billy because little one. No, because that's what he's called. Oh, it's Old Billy. And you're a little Bill. Yeah. He's Little Bill and his dad's Old Billy.

That's not what I'm talking about. Sorry, it's not my dad. Oh, oh, oh. Is that how you end every presentation? You're not my dad. Slam. It's an excellent idea. But turn it into it.

Sorry, the mum's boyfriend, I apologise. I apologise. The mum's boyfriend. Okay, any further questions for Little Bill? Bypass Newcastle, vegetarian shoes and a replacement for cars. Dropping out sandals and a bike. Thanks for the questions. So you're getting these ideas, you're getting these ideas pitched to you, yeah?

Yeah, he kind of like, I come home, I work for a university, he presents them to me as like viable options, not to do that. What's his company, just out of interest? He runs a water softening company in the Southwest. A water softening company? Yeah, a water softening company. Just defrost it. Yeah, it's a soft one? It's a good, it's a good, I don't think. Oh, it's water, just defrost it. Yeah, it's a size.

You know what I think. Rob, have you got any questions for Bill? Yeah, what the fuck's our water? That's a big on problem. Let's start all over in discussing now, please. Limes go up, that's the limes go up. We all understand, okay? Rob, you're going to start off.

So your minute for the prosecution begins now. Okay, I'll believe what's your fucking problem, mate. Like, he's just coming home, like, he doesn't need you, come with like, I mean, vegetarian shoes is actually a good idea. I don't know, but he doesn't want to hear about it. And at first of all, it's bad enough that he's shagging his mom.

Do you know what I mean? And then on top of that, you've got a friend's and bullshit about a bypass in U-Cast. U-Cast is a highly respected system. It organizes, it organizes a lot of applications in an electronic way and it saves a lot of paperwork. So if you'd suggest that that should be bypassed,

it's lunacy, borderline fascism. And that is that type of thinking that led to the rise of the far right. So I tell you what, I'll be silly. Take your ideas and stick them up. So I tell you what, I'll Billy, take your ideas and stick them up, you're fucking jacksy because little Billy don't want them anymore. He's fed up with you, you're a prick.

Fair enough. I think that's the first time the phrase, he's shagging your bum, and you get his a very well respected system, having you so close together, since the last pair it's evening I attended. So thank you, Romish. Rob, you're gonna open the case for the defence. Yeah, yeah.

Your minute starts now. Well, I think you should take these ideas on board, because I know vegetarian should, to be fair, I don't know who's eating shoes. But if you were, what I'm agree, vegetarian shoe to be fair, I've done a movie and you choose. LAUGHTER But if you were, we're not angry. They're a great idea, innit? And university is good, and I'm sorry, I'll start a bit of...

LAUGHTER Oh, no, Rob. Oh, no. Just have some water. It's really hard. Oh, no. Rob. If there was only someone... Rob. ..who would suffer this war.

I've got something that could do that for you. I'll rest my case. Very strong. I think it's just time to ask Bill, how do you think it's going so far? It's going, isn't it? It's a little on mate. It certainly is. Well Ben, it's your turn to start the case for the prosecution. Strapping.

Your time clock is on, starts now. So I got to say, I've started watching a lot of anime. LAUGHTER Like, first of all, I'll be like, it's bullshit. You can't go off had a brilliant new idea. How about a replacement for cars that is not an idea that is just that's like saying oh it is an idea for a company for you save the world from pollution there's your business model off your pop

it doesn't work that's just it's an abstract idea. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Someone else... That's not good enough! You've really thrown yourself into this. Have you got that time in your hand at the moment? And also vegetarian shoes, like canvas shoes, and vegetarian shoes? This guy's an awesome!

He's made me lose my voice! I'm not in a good place, I'm not in a good place. Can we do objections? I don't object to anything he says, I just think he doesn't need help. You're right. What's going on? Well, it's just the other day I came up with a replacement for cars. I don't know. It's a bit devastated, I came up with a replacement for cars. I don't know.

It's a bit devastated. Someone's beat me to it. LAUGHTER Right, well, I think... ...it's been probably the weirdest beef runs we ever had. Tom, it's time for you to conclude the case for the defence. Yes. Will you be doing it as yourself?

No, I'll be doing it in the character of a John Grisham defence lawyer from the Deep South. Mr. Fan Shaw's... Missed out! CHEERING Fan Shaw's stand-in, presiding the deep south. Mr. Fan Shaw's stand-down. Fan Shaw's stand-down, presiding and deep providing, you have a minute or have a long it takes to make your case starting. And now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, now let me tell you I listen to a lot of damn-dear words. Didn't listen to all of them, man. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

You've been feeling the same way. Have a lunch. You know what I'm saying. But I had never heard the kind of words I've been listening to today without feeling no kind of disgust. They sit there over there and they say things like, you can't dream. They say that no man can have no good ideas, no abstract concepts. Well, hell, last time I chipped, did hear America. No one go down at Henry T. Fawzhouse,

tell him he can't come up with an unreplacement for cars? Because that's what that fucker did. Because he was a goddamn American. Vegetarian shoes. God damn it, you're an American. Get out there, eat your shoes. Drive your car. Buy your gun.

This is a free country, an ideas country, the red that wasn't around, somebody had to invent it, an American, the blue, ain't no blue, ain't no blue, abstract content blue, but some man invented the blue, that blue, an American. There were no white. There were no white in Australia. This American, till the white arrived, they made the white in America. The red, the white, the blue. This is a free country, old Billy there.

He's an American. No further questions you'll want. Oh, that's right. Wowie, so obviously we've heard, I was just a lot of arguments, we've heard a lot of words, a lot of talking, but I can't make the decision, I'm just not smart enough. So I'm gonna throw it open to our psychothera-oriented audience.

If you think Ramesh and Ben and therefore Bill is in the right, applaud now. Applause But if you think Rob and Vanisher have won the day, then applaud now. Applause You know what? if you think Rob and Fancher have won the day, then applaud now! Oh! Do you know what? I think for the first time in ages, I think that's Ben and Rob Ash.

Ben and Rob Ash! Now it is almost the end of the show, but it's just time for the quickfire round, or at least there would be if we didn't have to make the quickfire round jingle. Here we go! that it's the round that goes really quickly. Once again, me and Ben are here recording the jingle. Hello. And it's got me thinking about things going quickly. We've been recording this jingle for about four years now.

Time goes by but nothing seems to change. We're still stuck in this jingle Sounds depressing when you put it like that I'm 33, and I'll soon be 34 This is my life, I'm stuck singing this With Ben on the guitar Hello Am I gonna, I mean, am I gonna have children?

Am I gonna win the Tour de France? Am I going to climb Everest? Oh, that would be a one-way trip. Oh, well this is the quick fire round, and this is my life and it goes really quickly. A melancholy, a melancholy quick fire round. So we've got the buzzers here. These are yours Rob and Tom and these are yours, Ramesh and I've never got a play for England I won't be in Eurovision You might be at this rate

The RSC are never gonna go All my dreams, all my desires I just stuck and trapped In this jingle It's the quick far road Okay, this this quick far out all the questions will be cell-based Tom and Rob let's hear your buzzers Ben and Romm Roblet's hear your buzzers. BELL RONMASH Let's hear yours. Off we go! Which vegetable is a bit like a basement?

Clarke. Celery. Yes, correct. What substance did you use to stick two basements together? BELL RONMASH Celery glue. LAUGHTER Or cellar tape, which is an actual thing of your... How? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Or cellar tape, which is an actual thing. How? LAUGHTER

I love you, Tom. How is lumpy coffee from a coffee mill just like a cellar? ROM. Ground? Oh, you're so close. Underground. They're both underground, correct? Both underground.

Why did the house put the female basement on eBay? Tom, to cellar. To cellar! Ah, but... Why did the house put the female basement on eBay? Tom, to sell her. To sell her! If a basement that never stops moaning is a wine cellar, then what do you call a basement that never stops moaning because there's Jamaican dancing going on in it? A dirty wine cellar! I'd point to rubbish there.

Which tennis player lives in a basement? Puck Cash. No, he does. He does. He's following a hard time. Technically that is true. My friend, I can only give you half a point though, I'm afraid. Anyone know Tim Hen basement? Tim Hen basement.

I'll give you a quarter of a point. That was actually Monica Sellers. Which member of the Goons lived in a basement? I don't know what their names are. Peter Sellers. Peter Sellers, correct, Clarke? Which nuclear reprocessing sight in Cumbria lives in a basement? Sell a field.

Sell a field, well done Tom. What film by Microsoft say these are about gangsters living in a basement? Good Sellers. It is indeed good Sellers. Which radioactive prehistoric Japanese sea monster lived in a basement? Some seller was God Sella, yes! Which pink tourbass travelling across the Australian Outback also lives in a basement? Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

Correct! That is the end of that round, so those are the questions. Produce Ben, let us hear those final points. Tom and Rob got four and a half, Ben and Ramesh got six and a quarter. Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done to Ben and Ramesh, who've achieved the top placement for Sally for Rob and for Tom and now for Clean the Basement.

Thank you to our guest to Rob Beckett and Ramesh Ranganathan with him, Patmys, see you next time on Flash Air Slum Down! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh! Papi's trash air spam now, being cracked across a million clock at top, as much as you get. What much randly has been in robb making with the virus by Papi's reputation? You spent a walk a big bang for the game down to the corner, the case is still filming out. Doris Park, the British company guy,

and to the side-hunting of them having us. Papi's trash air spam is a plus-broad trip with the British company guide and the internet. And I was like, can you story a story about games I slide in your garden with it? Katie Story helped out a reeeeee! Cheers! Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes.

Poor things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at in Lutford. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15th.