Pappy's Flatshare - Series 6, Episode 11 (Feed The Pet(s))

Episode Date: November 1, 2016

Kevin Eldon and Ed Gamble ably assist Tom and Ben as they fight to avoid having to feed the flat pet (or pets t.b.c.). FYI 8 months on, Clarky is still trying to come up with two more song titles. Please help spread the word about the show to all your pets and pet-obsessed friends through all the usual channels. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot for her. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters for December 15th.

So, as you know, folks, if you're a regular listener, the show begins with an unpopular sketch. And what we're trying to do is do the sketch sort of live. But also that it's not really a sketch is more like a sentence. Yes, that's what we're trying to, we're trying to reduce sketch comedy down to its barest form, where we're not in it anymore. So basically it would just be me asking Tom and Ben to, this week it's feed the pets, feed the pet.

Feed the pet, is it just pets? I think it's pet. Single pet, okay. Feed the the pet, is it just pet? I think it's pet. Single pet, OK, feed the single pet. We've chatted about this before the show. How many pets do we have? What, sorry. Oh, silence and a what is. It's like, I was sitting in favor of a salty or anything.

That's Clarke's ringtone. I don't know what we're expecting from how many pets do we have, but it's a catchphrase that hasn't quite taken off at all. But we'll do that and it's going to end with we're going to have to have a flat share slam down. When we hear the word flat share slam down down We've been cheering go crazy in the show will begin. Are you excited folks? So are we Tom Ben. What is it Matthew? What is it but it?

One of you two has really got a feed are Might be one pet might be pet two nose. I've got a question for you. Yeah, what's the question? How many pets do we have? What? What? It's a brand new catchphrase. Well, I cannot answer that. Nor can I answer which one of you is going to do it. So I guess there's only one way to settle this.

We're going to have to have a Flash-ish! Flash-ish! Flash-ish! Flash-ish! Flash-ish! Flash-ish! Flash-ish! Flash-ish! Flash-ish! Flash-ish! Flash-ish! Flash-ish! Oh, I'm just like a little girl with a face

I'm just like a little girl with a face Hello and welcome to Flat Share Slam Down, the panel show that says The snow glows white on the mountain tonight Not a footprint to be seen A kingdom of isolation And it looks like I'm the queen The wind is howling like this whirling storm inside Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl, you always have to be Concealed, don't feel, don't let them know Well now they know Pettico, Pettico Can't hold it back anymore Pettico, Pettico Turn away, you slap the door Ah, don't care, who I beg

I like to say Pet the storm, Rijon The gold never bothered me anyway I know it's an landlord, Matthew Brosby I was gonna pick, head up, head on up Like a six machine But it does make me sound like I mimex sex with my pecs now Anyway, well they're under my roof that be following my rules. Let's meet the tenants. It's Tom Perry and Benedict Claw

Tom great. Yes, yes, I'm pretty like to be here. That's what happened me first time listener long time long time Please stop calling. Erm... So Tom, why is he so dark on stubborn about feeding this pet? Well, Matthew, I'm not going to feed the pet because... Well, let me tell you, the last time I had pets, I had to bloody feed, I had these dogs, right? And every time these dogs wanted feeding,

then ring a bell, right? And I'd rush to the kitchen, and I'd whisk up these egg whites, right? And I'd put the the kitchen, and I'd whisk up these egg whites, right? And I'd put the egg whites, and put some sugary, and I'd put them in the oven. I'd bake the egg whites. Where all that lay on the egg whites,

and I'd put fruit in it, and cream in it, and take it down to those dogs. It was a real merangian response. Oh! Oh, yeah! That's lovely stuff. That is. Clarke, what about you? Why do you cat-tagorically refuse to pop that flute? Well, I'm not a devol. Thank you.

I'm not going to feed the pet or, as the French say, Peter Monge. I am furious that that's not in the script already. I'm absolutely furious. I'm not going to do it because... He's not in the script already. I'm absolutely furious. I'm not going to do it because he's carrying on. I know. I know. I know.

I know when the going was good. I definitely shouldn't have done this. This is going to get a special kind of nothing. Why? I'm not going to feed the pet because I like going swimming, don't I? And they always say, you know, you can't feed your pets. You can't feed your pets. You can't go swimming if you've got a fat head.

Can you, can't? They're sighting everywhere. No heavy petting, they're dead. Oh, my goodness, me. Also, when I'm there, I get off with my dog. Too right. But like a delicious bottle of Jacob's Greek, feeding a pet is best enjoyed with friends. Remember that from ages ago.

So, we've been spotted by Jacob's Greek this week. Yes, finally. Yeah, absolutely. It's really as delicious. They do all three types of wine. Now, I... So, Tom, who have you brought along with you this week? Well, Matteo, it's great to use the Jamboree is more popular than ever.

So popular we've had to bring in a gay keeper to stop people from jumping the fence. So, who holds the keys to the Jamboree? It's your friend and my Mr Kevin Eldon! Kevin Eldon! Kevin Eldon! Yes, to be here. I've come to the show tonight with a fairly chilled out energy level. So, you know, tonight I'm going to be relaxed, laid back. I'll tell you one thing I'm not going to be funny. Welcome to the club, buddy! I tell you one thing I'm not going to be funny

Welcome to the club buddy Like I'm a flatmate are you well you know I might flat sharing days are kind of over but when I was a flat share I'd like to think that as a tenant. I was a reassuring presence I had lots of sort of flatmates and any of them I had lots of flatmates and any of them could at any time of the day or night be assured that they would wake up and find my face. That's the kind of flatmate I want. I might just move away from you from a little bit. That's all right.

Obviously, we've got Clarky here as well. You've also brought a guest along with you this week. Yes! It's my brother from the same mother, my step brother. It's Ed Gamble! Ed Gamble! That's great. Great.

It's great having you here, Ed. We're feeding the pets this week. Do you have pets? I don't. I've had two pets in the past. How did that go? They're both dead. OK.

Oh, man. What went wrong? Was it old age or did you do something to them? I don't, I've had two pets in the past. How did that go? They're both dead. OK. What went wrong? Was it old age or did you do something to them? The cat killed the fish and the cat got cancer. Oh! Which is a great way to see a round one, I believe. Isn't it? Actually, talking to Jacob's Creek, everyone.

Talk about cat eye hatches. I'm glad his cat's not cancer, yes. Yeah. This cat that we had never used to integrate socially with the family at all, apart from any time that we had some old relatives, in which case, he would sit in the middle of the sitting room and slowly start to lick its own penis. Wow. That's also why I'm a bad flatmate. So we have met our contestants, so by the end of the show, one of them we top cat and the other will be in the dog house.

Let's find out which is. Oh. Guys, that is what is better than the business as delightful copy. I wish that this room could see Cropby Wiggley's glasses when he says something like that. Whenever you hear that tone in his voice, listen up. Just imagine in Wiggly this glasses in a really smug way. I didn't get to be a program associate on so many wonderful entertainment shows without writing stuff like that every day you want to want to kill myself now.

Let's play it out, which is which, as we play Round One! There's a brand new craziest release in the do I want to come on over and do it with you It's got the lovelies bridges that I've never met So let me come on over and feed your pet Oh baby, I wanna feed your pen I ain't the love doctor, I know I'm a love vet So come a little baby, let me feed your pen So give your doctor, not a truck with lock And give my carrot to your parrot See my hum dog, we go ahead, jogging my new potatoes To your relicators

When you're going to hold these the runaway What you mean you're gonna call the RSPC Oh baby Don't let me feed your pet It wasn't you for me, it was not all sex You should've really given those animals that food LAUGHTER CHEERING

Mummy food. So round one is called have three the same pet. It's named after the classic company, Alfita's same pet. It's not bad. It's not bad. Have three the same pet. Have three the same pet. Yeah, if you sell it, you've got to sell it. That's the thing. That's what I say about my delightful copy. You've got to sell it, that's the thing. That's what I say about my delightful copy. You've got to sell it, mate. We'll work on it's own. Obviously, the classic comedy was about a group of Jordy's working in West Germany, but the similarity to the round doesn't just end with the vaguely sound-like title.

Hang on, no, it does. So these... The rules are very simple. I'm going to give each contestant a category, and that'll tell me three things that fit into that category in just three seconds I'm gonna work my way around the contestants, but enough about my post-show plans. Let's play the game! Tom, you're gonna go first, okay? So you have three seconds, and I'm gonna say go, yes, and then at the end of three seconds I'm gonna say time, okay? Yes, you, okay? Oh, this is freaking me out!

Yes! Tom, you have three seconds. Yes! To tell me three types of cheese. Bri! Cheddar! Come and bear! I am well done, mate! I'm going to treat our company cheese.

Kevin, you have three seconds to give me three words that begin with F. Fuck! Flipping! Fugi! Well done! Could I just... It's also his Twitter handle. Yeah.

Can I just... His foggy was the last one. Yes. As in Lauren Hill's band. Cool. Erm... Who is this podcast? I was standing... Well, they're all here. Why are you recording? I was standing and willing down to the audience's one.

Just being at home going, oh yeah! I forgot, and actually put them out so long after we'd recorded. Now, Ed, you're up next. I would like in three seconds, three countries. Germany, France, England. Oh, very strong, very strong, Clarky. Three? Although I went Germany first You're a sleeper

Clarky yeah three songs I'm afraid you're not allowed to ask for help I had the help of Ty. Yes! I'm afraid you're not allowed to ask for help. So... Tom Perry. I'm shit, because you have to go for short titles. It's an extra amount of thinking. It's an extra amount of thinking. It shouldn't be on your tombstone.

It really should. I'll give you three and a half seconds next time, Rocky. Tom, three seconds. Yeah'll give you three and a half seconds next time for lucky. Tom, three seconds. I give us three French words. Go! Booth, pan, chocolate. Oh! Very nice!

Kevin, you've got three seconds to give us three things in the sky. Go! Clowns are a plane sun. Oh! What's that like, you? Oh! Was that a hikin? Come on guys, we've got 400 of these to get pretty soon. If you stop every time, it's gonna take a very long time. Hey Gamble, you've got three seconds for sandwich fillings.

Go! Butter cheese, the bread? Oh no! Well I'm from bread as a sandwich for like... We cannot keep you up at first. That's like a big Mac but without the burgers. There we go. Clarke, you have three seconds.

Because they've got a bit of bread. Clarke, you might as use... Clarke, focus down mate. Stop showing boating help. Three seconds, I've been thinking this whole time and I still don't have two more sometimes. I stopped showing boating help. LAUGHTER You've cut three seconds. I've been thinking this whole time, but I still don't have two more seconds. LAUGHTER Go, Clarky, let it go!

Oh, there's one, there's one! LAUGHTER Clarky, you have three seconds to give us three things that are hard to go. Er, heat! Oh, wow! No! No, no, no! No! Saying heat is hot is like turning into a bread sandwich, isn't it?

I mean, come on! At least you know that when you're under pressure you say one word that begins with H.E. and that's it. That was like a throwaway one to get me in the zone. What one's me going to say other than that? Well, I said fire, but you're all bloody laughing. Yeah and what are the other two? What are the other two?

In the way I like. Well I defend he being hot. I think you know if he isn't hot what is with God's sake. That's a cut out of slack guys. That's a cut out of slack guys. We would also have accepted warmth. We always do. We always do.

Tom Perry, three seconds. For things you would find in a garage. Go. A car, a tyre. A tyre iron. Yes, very, very good. Kevin, three uses for a spoon. Go.

E-tings. Sleeping, but for taking a bird. I think you've done yourself there, mates. Eating, sleeping and taking a bird's eye out. Not bad. You do spoon when you're sleeping. I think he's... Oh!

You know what? I'm going to allow it. Yes! Ed Gamble. Three animals you wouldn't want as pets. Go. Tiger, lion. Squalker? What? Three animals you wouldn't want as pets go. Tiger, lion, squawker?

What? Squawker. Squawker, yeah. What's a squawker? Oh, you know. No! It's amazing that I've not paddocks and come up with a real animal. A heron. A heron. I'm afraid I can't allow it to lay down, but I enjoy squawker, though.

Clarke, you've got three seconds to come up with three annoying people. Go. Tom Matthew Bed. LAUGHTER You've got it right in one mate. OK. And in the right order, as well. Absolutely in the correct order. Harry, this is our final round. What's more, Harry? Yes. Three seconds for celebrities. You fancy. Go. Anika Rice, Michaela Stracken, what's more round? Harry, three seconds for celebrities, you fancy, go. Anakin Royce, Michaela Stracken, and a cold rickshaw sense!

Oh! It's a blast from the past then! He's got a type, he has a type. How did I blonde from the 80s? He like blond in jumpsuits. Anakin Royce, top of the list! Top of the list! Anakin Royce!

I don't want to insult you too much, but that really would be a challenge for you. Do you still have a one-acorice one, Tinoa? Do you still... We're better than that. We're better than that. Kevin Elden. In Accent. Well, let's go for Hungarian.

And we'd like to have three in three seconds. Pet names for a lover. Go. Good, just beautiful. Don't think. Oh! Very strong work. Ed Gamble. Would you like mine to be on racially rocky ground?

No. That's a lovely tattoo. No. You've got, you have three seconds to list three. Cool dudes, go. Ed, Kevin, Ben. Oh, you know what? It doesn't just send in the audience. Look at us.

We're super cool. No one cool is called Kevin. And finally, Clarke, we're going to close it off strong. We would like three names in three seconds that you might call your penis, your toadure, or your Wang. Go. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh That in my head was penis-toddler-one. As usual. Errrr. Errrr. Well, at the end of that round, and producer Ben, what are the scores? Three seconds, go!

Errrr, Tom and Kevin have eight, and then a three. Ooooooh! You got a point for every... Err... Yeah, got Tom. Not so good for you, not against the clock, are you? So, sorry, give me those scores scores again because I genuinely wasn't listening Fair enough Tom and Kevin have eight, Ben and Ed have three. Oh

Point for everyone of yours Not so good, me not against the clock, so give us the scores again, I wasn't listening Tom and Kevin, eight, Ben and Ed three Tom and Karen ate? Ben and Ed three! Yay! This is Pipera! Two of them! Oh, it's like Inception only unpopular.

So, Tom and Kevin are in the lead, which one will have to grab the dog lead? Let's find out as we play round two, it's flat game! Let's play together, games! Let's play forever, roll the dice. Spin that thing. Put that down. sound of a movement. Right there! So this week we are playing our version of Spots the Difference. I'm going to give each team a spot the dog. Because of the... Because of the pet thing.

No, the... Oh, because of what? Yeah. Oh, I can elastic flip reverse there from Perry. I'm going to start again so we can edit that out. This week we're playing our version of Spot the Difference, which is named this week off the spot. I'm going to give each team a scene to perform twice.

The second time the scene will have five small changes. Four of which we've added to the scene ourselves, and one we would like the players to come up with on the spot, you know, like spot the dog. So the other team has to listen to both performances and see if they can spot all five differences. Obviously, I'll also be awarding extra points to the players if they can bring some real acting chops or any kind of chops. Just love chops. Ben and Ed, you're going to start us off. This spot, the difference, is going to be a Spock, the difference, as your scene comes from Star Trek 2, the Wrath of Khan, and it is Spock's death

and funeral spoiler. I Spock the Dump. No, it doesn't. So there you go, that's your scene, okay. You can decide between yourselves who you're gonna be. I don't know this, and I've got no kind of Star Treking. Well, the rhythm of your speech would suggest you should play Kirk. Yeah, that was incredible, Shaq.

So you're going to be Kirk, you're going to be Spock Ed and we'll hear Spock's death. Here we go. Spock! Ship out of danger. Yes. Don't grieve admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one. This is shit.

Oh bear my knees dying. Oh shit, right, okay. Or the one. Has he had a fag as well? I never took the Kobayoshi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution? Spock! I have been an always shall be, your friend. I've ever took the Kobayoshi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution? Spock!

I have been an hour Shelby, your friend, live long and prosper. No! He's not saying no that he's not gonna live long and prosper. He's saying no because Spock's just died. No, I will not, sir! Anyway, the final scene of the movie is, of course, the funeral and Kirk delivers the eulogy, so you've really lucked out here, Clarke. Here we go.

We are assembled here today to pay final respects to our honoured dead. And yet it should be noted that in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadow of new life, the sunrise of the new world, a world that our beloved comrade gave his life to protect and nourish. He did not feel that sacrifice, a vain or empty one. Yeah, this is very moving. Yes, carry on. And we will not debate his profound wisdom at these proceedings. Of my friend, I can only say this. Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels. I'm not sure he does touch the body of the...

LAUGHTER It wasn't an open casket. Here's what's the most human. Very, very powerful. Very powerful. APPLAUSE OK, now on the back, if we put in four changes, I would like you to add one of your own

You have a little quick Confirc to what change you're gonna put in just so you don't catch each other out Okay Spock's death scene two now Kevin and Tom you're looking out five changes for five changes Yes, do we shout them as they come along? I tell you make make a note and tell us at the end We don't interrupt the flow of that incredibly long scene. Yes, but it's the end. Spock!

Ship out of danger. Are you reading the same scene? There we go. You might! Get the first one here. Spock! Ship! Out of portment! Get the first one. Spock? Ship? Out of portment?

Yes? Don't grieve captain. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh? The needs of the few? Or the one? I never took the Kobayoshi Maru test until now. What do you think of my result? Spock?

LAUGHTER I have been an always shall be, your friend, live long and prosper. LAUGHTER Are they all straight? Have you put... LAUGHTER Have you put question marks at the end of all the sentences?

Is that one of the... Yeah, that's one of the sentences. You can't do that now, because this last speech was going to be beautiful. Yeah. OK, let's... We are now assembled here to pay final respects to our honoured Dan. LAUGHTER And yet, it should be noted that in the midst of this sorrow,

this death takes place in the shadow of a new life, the sunrise of the new world, a world that is beloved, but that our beloved, but that the Arab beloved Comrade gave his life to protect a nourish. He did not feel that sacrifice, a vain or empty one, and he will not debate his profound wisdom on these proceedings. Of my friend, I can only say this, of all the souls I've encountered in my travels, his was the most sexy. Okay, so, five changes in Spock's death.

How many of them can you spot? You've got one point already because you spotted the question marks, that was the one they put in themselves. What else do you think there might have been in there? Ports with? Ports with those one of them, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sexy. Sexy with another, yes.

Yeah, that's my point. Yeah. Did they change the type of test that he did? We did not. They did not. Yeah. In that case, you'd sneak some in here, little fuckers. The needs of the many out way?

Did you change the way you're spelling the word way? We suppose it like curting way, yeah, that was it, yeah. I'm gonna have to push you, and if you can't get it, I'm gonna throw it into the team. LAUGHTER Can't he just got that? Go to the... Can't he just got that good? Did Spock not die in the second one? No he did die, in fact it was very subtle.

Spock said don't grieve admiral in the first scene, he said don't grieve captain in the second scene. And then Spock said what do you think of my solution in the first scene and what do you think of my result in the second scene? So three points though three points to Tom and Kevin who look furious But I'm gonna give a four five points performance to Ben and to Ed there fantastic performance And I finally I aces casting Next Tom and Kevin are up there. They're gonna see, and yours is a, you want the difference, as your scene comes from EastEnders. Now, it's Kat and Zoe Slade down in a blazing row about whether or not she's gonna go and work in a bar abroad, and it ends with a classic EastEnders revelation. So, let's hear the straight version, off you go now Listen to me. Why don't you just leave me alive? But you look on the spot!

Yes I am, get away from me! Yes! You don't rule my life! You're not going to not snow! No! Because I said that will work! I have to do anything you say to her, do I? No.

You can't tell me what to do! You ain't more in my heart! Yes! I am! Do do a single fucking word of that. Well good luck! If they did the same thing again you wouldn't be able to spot it. Well I did. Okay so flip it over and you've got another version of the scene with a few different changes on there and if you want to make up one difference of your own, okay well we're all very excited

about hearing it again. Okay Kevin and Tom let's hear that scene with your changes, please. Off you go. Zoe, come here! No, I'm fed up of you picking on me all the time! No, I'm not picking on you! Showing me how I put front of everyone! This is too mean, but I'm going and there ain't nothing you can do about it! Do you want a bet what going on state together, sir? We'll see you in a few minutes. What are you just leaving alone? Because you're not going to the Democrat Republic of Congo.

LAUGHTER Yes, I am going away from me. No, you don't want my life. You're not going to nest that. Why not? Because why, say, guys, why? I have to do to Natsutana. Why not? Cosmoise, I got it all right. I have to do everything you say now, do I? Oh no.

You can't tell me what to do. You hate my mother. Yes, we can. Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours. With the little understanding You can all have a big role The snow glows wide on the map tonight So, we'll throw that over now to Ed and to Ben

Have you got any idea about any of the potential changes? Well, it suddenly wasn't the amount I enjoyed it, bravo. So they lived. Democratic Republic of Congo, I believe, was mentioned in both of those. Yeah, I think that was in both of them. Yes, we can. Democratic Republic of Congo, that's one point. Yes, we can, that is one point.

Neighbors? Neighbors was one point, yes. I believe they were from a slightly different area of East London. That's right. Did you speak in syllables in the second one? Essentially no, we don't have any more. Thank you. In fact, two very, very subtle ones. It was always saying, embarrassing me in front of everyone was actually changed to showing me up in front of everyone.

Oh my God, I should have got it. You should have got it. And Kat's saying, because I said, so all right. And Kat actually said the second one, because what I say goes, all right. So that's three points again to you. But I mean, I gave you five points, but that was actually really good what you guys did.

I'll be honest, I wasn't gonna say at the time, but I was surprised with our five. Yeah. And I never liked to retract points. So I'm going to give you 8 out of 5 for that. That was actually amazing. So 3 there. 8 out of 5. Absolutely superlative score there.

So producer Ben, what would the scores be at the end of that round? Well, the scores would be that Ben and Ed have got 11 and Tom and Kevin have got 19. Whoa! You guys got a point for every... It's fall and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup, maple lattes, and maple bourbon. Yes, we deliver those. Turtles? No.

But turtles the dessert? Yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too, along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region.

See you at for details. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to add in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Now for those of you who'd like to see your drama a bit more courtroom based, here is Beef Brothers! Well, yes, you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem, can you have a problem, call a beef, if you've got a beef, maybe we can help you to a beef from the sorting of your beef. Yes, it's Beef Brothers where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat share based beef and this one comes from Ben, who is in the audience. Where are you, Ben? Hello, Ben. Hello, Ben. Hello, Ben. Do you remember my face in the night?

Ben, what is your voice like, actually? It's like this. Oh, sorry. So Ben, Ben with his disappointing voice says, I have recently gone vegan and my girlfriend is not happy with it. She regularly tries to tempt me with cheese and last night I came home drunk to find she'd left a homemade cheese sandwich on the side to try and break me at my weakest. Oh yeah already people in the audience very excited about this I know Campbell sandwich bread cheese

Bread We've got a layer of the bread We've got a layer of the bread But also hold the cheese It really makes you earn the cheese if you've got three lays of bread to go to So Ben and Ed you're on Ben's side Hello Hello

Tom and Kevin you are on the side of Ben's girlfriend, but before we begin, let's have a quick cross examination. Is your girlfriend here, by the way, Ben? No, she's not. No. So, can I just ask, last night you went out and got pissed and came home, tonight you're out on a pod card. Do you ever see her?

No. No. Everyone's got a better impression in them. It's not already useful impression. I can do an impression of someone that no one's heard of. And also it doesn't sound like it. Oh, that's a shame. So let's have a cross examination of Ben.

Anyone got any questions for Ben about his veganism? Or indeed his girlfriend or indeed the cheese? Hello Ben. How long have you been a vegan then? Only two weeks, so far. Only two weeks. We're very much in the fad stage. Have you done it though? Have you managed this? Well this girlfriend, that's just so fun. Have you done it? How long should it be before you do it with a girl? What's it like? So you won't eat eggs anymore though, will you? No.

Would you fuck one? And if so, what came first? Oh, the vegan or the egg? So can I ask a question? So you didn't eat that cheese sandwich last night? No, no, no. You go out carrying a lettuce just to munch it on the way home so you're full. Are you a lot of objeein?

Does that count? I guess. Sort of, a lot of lettuce, yeah, yeah, yeah. How much? I'm interested. How much is a lot of objeein? I'm trying to get a measure on it. I'm running out of recipe, so probably about two a day. One word! You keep in the objeein market afloat. Sure on it, I'm running out of recipe, so probably about two a day. One word! She's the...

You keep in the over-sheet market, I'm flogged. Jesus. I think you are one away from an intervention. She's worried about you. She's worried about you eating all these open-sheet. She's too over-sheen to day. A purple wee. LAUGHTER

My favourite Jimmy Hendrix song. LAUGHTER Would it work with Prince as well? Carry on. She got the info on you that you used to be partial to a cheese sandwich. Yeah, so I used to be vegetarian and I was really bad at that. And so I came vegan to sort of try and be good at vegetarian, I guess. What?

As a training ground. Do you think that why does she want to pull you back to the cheesy side? So she works at a shop where she gets a lot of meat and cheese. Well, she works. This is like West Side Story. Yeah. Your girlfriend works in a meat and cheese shop. And you've become a vegan.

No, she works in a Swedish shop, but they sell a lot of me and she is. Is she Swedish? She is Swedish, yeah. She an angel. What's her name, please, your girlfriend? Mimi. Maybe. Mimi.

Oh, Mimi. She sounds selfish. Clarke is so aroused. Yeah, you can tell. That's why he's gone quiet. I'm just trying to think of two more songs. LAUGHTER Well, I think hopefully that's enough information

for our teams to make their cases. So without further ado, Ed Gamble, remember you're on Ben's side. I'm going to give you one minute to begin the case for the prosecution. Your one minute begins now. Look, I think it's very clear, Ben, that you should not be with this woman.

You're a lovely lad, you seem like a nice lad. And she is at home, she's clearly refused to come out tonight because she's at home cooking a cheese sandwich. You obviously don't cook a cheese sandwich, but you've left her at home, she's clearly a bit annoyed that you've left her at home, but that's fine, you need some time apart. You can't be together all of the time. She's just at home with the squawker, I don't know what that you've left her at home and she's clearly a bit annoyed that you've left her at home, but that's fine, you need some time apart, you can't be together all of the time. She's just at home with the squawker, I don't know what that you've got.

But she's just making the cheese sound, and it's unfortunate that she clearly has ties with the meat and cheese lobby. She's working for a meat and cheese shop, and she's infiltrated your life, the life of a potential vegan, and she's trying to destroy it from the inside. And quite frankly, I think we should say no. No, thank you to this disgusting Tory behaviour. LAUGHTER All right, well, there we go. CHEERING

The politics into it in the last minute. CHEERING Kevin, you now have one minute to begin the case for the defence. Remember, you're on the girlfriend side, and your minute begins now. Tired of cheese, tired of life. This is what she's thinking.

She remembers a man who used to have a cheese-based pocket. But all of this finest powder, I need it. It walk about proudly bulging with all of this milk-based resin substance. And now, where is she going? a man into the tiny piece of crest, and that lesson is that any kind of replace when she wants that cheese-loving man back. She wants to smell the bee upon your breath.

That's right, because that's what used to get her coming in real. It did. But now, what she's got is a life full of eternal opa-gene. What is a life with just opa jean? It's nothing, it's nothing at all. She needs that cheese. Please give that back her cheese. Give her dignity and cheese,

and perhaps she will marry in a house made of cheese. And forevermore, and sorry I'm drunk. That is your time, but... Yes! No one expected the old cheese pocket argument to come out this early in the game. But that's why we brought Kevin along. How do you think it's going so far, Ben? It's certainly going... That's what they say about this podcast.

Certainly going. Certainly going. Let me go. Let me start. So, I mean, that's generous. It makes certainly go-ish. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.

Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.

Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. minutes if you need it begins now. Well here's the thing, clearly you're... Can I just say, whenever Ben Fudge with here's the thing, there's no thing.

Oh there's the thing. And this is three seconds. That's three seconds. Your girlfriend is masquerading as the perfect one and it's got to be a trap. If she's sitting down cheese for you, here's what I imagine happens when he comes through the front door. Okay? Okay. 20 seconds. He walks into the front door. A marble starts rolling down a stair. Ah!

At the top of the staircase is a man ready to jump into a bath. She's gonna kill you, Ben. It's a mouth trap. Absolutely. You pull out the bag in the way none of us expected. What a turnaround. What a turnaround. So Tom, you're going to conclude the case now for the defence.

I assume you're going to do it as yourself. I'm going to do it as a deep-south defence lawyer from a John Grisham novel. Oh really? Yes, Mr. Fanshore Standard. Fanshore Standard, presiding, and. Fanshawe Standard. Fanshawe Standard, presiding and indeed providing cheese this week, your minute should you need it begins now. Ladies and gentlemen, off to Jewel. Hell yeah it's me. Fanshawe Standard,

presiding and presiding. Hell we've been listening to a lot of damn damn big words today. Hell, a lot of damn confusing words man jumping to bath. Hell, we lived in this county a long time ain't seen no marble roll down those stairs. We simple foreground here. Hell, we church going people. We know as you walk through the valley of life, good Lord, sit on one shoulder, devil on to the, gon' get tempted now. Hell times I got tempted, I wouldn't like to see.

I'm telling a story, dear. Man, go by the name of Tom O'Malley. He'll Tom O'Malley, he can't play no clarinet. Go down Crossroads for a night. Man, man, shadowy. Carryin' a bag. Whatcha got in that day bad man, that grass roads? Hill, I got a book on how to play the clarinet.

Paul's that book, practice the clarinet. Learn how to play the clarinet. Marlinda's story, temptation sometime, not to bear. Defense rest your heart. Thank you, Fanshawe. And thank you, thank you, Fanshawe. Now, sadly, I'm actually unable to make the decision myself as I'm too shy. Instead, can you believe I'm too sh to make the decision myself as I'm too shy. Instead, can you really not too sh- that adorable?

Sadly, instead of an ex-audience, he's going to have to fulfill that role. So if you think Ed and Ben, and therefore Ben, if that's not confusing, is in the right, I'd like you to applaud now. Ed and Ben, applaud now. APPLAUSE Very strong show for Ed and Ben, applaud now! Very strong show for Ed and Ben! But if you think Kevin and Fanny and Mimi are in the right, I think they made the best case applaud now! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I think you're right, I think Fanichua was swung in there, so I'm afraid, sorry about that Ben!

Eat a cheese sandwich ready to get home. Well if our pet who we're going to be feeding later on is hungry now but the end of this next round it is going to be dead and that is all thanks to the quick fire round. It's the round that goes really quickly. But the jingle doesn't go quickly at all And some of you have been writing into inquire why that is, we've got your letter Thanks for getting it done. Judith from Rexham Rites, I don't understand the joke here. Why is the jingle so long when the round should go really quickly? It's good good boy too.

Henry from Devon says long time listener first time writer. Hey, the quick fad jingle, what's it all about? Shouldn't it go really quickly? He then goes on to say something unpleasant about immigration. He's don't send in those kinds of things. That's keeping about the quick, far-round. Carla from Spain says, Hello, Ben, I like you. You're the best singer. How come you don't do the majority of the singing. She says you can hold a note better.

Well thanks for your letters. They've really slowed things down. It's time we got back to the beast, missing hand, the quick fire, raw. Oh! And of course it's gone. Sorry, I always assume you edited that into the podcast after the recording. If I'd known you played out alive, I honestly wouldn't have come. Don't spoil the magic, we still want people to whiteness for the next record.

Of course, it just goes so silent when it's on the podcast, I assume it's not live. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, But is it the John Terry or just another John Terry or two guys one called John? Have the other one's called Terry? Get back in touch and tell us about yourself, John Terry. Fingers crossed your knot. The John Terry cause he's a massive cunt. LAUGHTER CHEERING CHEERING

Quite right, Tim. And, of course, in this quick far round, all the questions will be pet-based. Instead of buzzers, if you think you have the right answer, shout out your first name. So Tom and Kevin, let's hear that now. Tom. Kevin. Ben and Ed? Ed. And you said bad.

I think you said bad. You said bad. He said bad. He said bad. He said bad. He said bad. He said bad. He said bad.

He said bad. He said bad. He said bad. He said bad. Did you say it is it's confusing? No, it's not confusing! It's your fucking name! It cannot be confusing! It's one syllable and you've had it for your entire life! We have the two easiest names in the world. Only alone is tired, it should be in Ben. Ben, your shadow at help. Okay, here we go. I've been just shouting out help, okay? Here we go, oh no, here we go, the first question.

How do felines pick out their clothes? Tom, Tom, in a catalog. In a catalog, what's a felines favouritly known in a caprio movie? Ed, Titanic. What? I'm gonna give you half a point, but only because you're so far behind. It's actually, it's cat me if you can. From that film, how do felines travel on water? Catwoman, Ben, Ben, yes I'll give you. Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, what TV presented a felines by their drugs from? Ed. Cap Deely. Cap Deely is correct.

What does it do? You can't put facts into this, you know. Like that. What does a doctor do to check there are no felines inside of you? Head. Cap's gone. Cap's gone. Well done, Ed.

What dog is a well respected actor? Top. Top. Leonor de Catrio. What dog? Oh, you've been on dogs. We've been on dogs, I'm sorry, mate. Oh, Leonor de Catrio. Leonor DiCaprio. What dog? Oh, you've been on dogs. We've been on DiCaprio. I'm sorry, mate.

Oh, Leonardo DiCaprio. Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm going to take a win one point away. Any ideas from this team? At Bark Ruffalo. Oh! Bark Ruffalo is better than what I've got. Bark Wuffalo. No, Ruff, dogs go Ruffalo.

Ruffalo as well. And and make quite low to the ground. Another point of the trouble, pun. Another point away from Thomas. No, I was looking for Spaniel Day Lewis. What dog was a TV prankster now sadly departed? Ed. Jeremy Beagle. It was Jeremy Beagle, well done.

What dog is like Peter Schmeichel? Oh, Ted. I think Thomas just ahead of you there. Great day. Great day and yes, well done. What dog is like Peter Schmeichel? Okay. I think Tom was just ahead of you there. Great day. Great day and yes, well done. What dog is like two Italians saying goodbye? Ed. Ed.

Ciao, ciao. Ciao, ciao, well done. What sort of dog might you take this? What sort of dog might give you a clip round the ear? Ed. Ed. Boxer? No, I'm afraid I was looking for a bulldog.

What shell pet, you know looking for a bulldog. What's Sheld pet in like a bulldog clip? What's... Mine makes more sense. That's confusing. No, the ear. Thank you very much, folks. That's how all my gigs start.

A mixture of booing and one person clapping. Which is me. What Sheld Pet sounds like what a teacher did. Kevin. Kevin. Tortor. Tortor. Exactly right. What was the TV game show presented by Henry Kelly in which you could win a fresh water pet? Tom. Tom. Going for Goldfish. Going for Goldfish is correct. What song by Kanye West was about burying his pet?

Ed. Yes. Goldfish Digger. What's Goldfish Digger? What Bond film was about a fresh ball pet? Tom, yes. Goldfish Finger. Oh, very good. I would also have accepted the man with the Goldfish Gun.

Which group of Welsh rappers only wrote songs about fresh balls? Gosh, what is this? Goldfish, look at that. Ed, Goldfish looking chained. Goatfish looking chained. He didn't buzz in. I'll give you both a point. What Japanese fish is the shyest pet? Oh, quick, oh, quick, oh, I'm going to give you the point.

Yes. What pet, when followed by a very mild swear word, sounds like the capital of the Netherlands. Oh, oh, Tom, Tom. Hamster, damn, yes. Which actor from Keeping Up Appearances has the most domesticated animals in her house? A bed? A bed? Yes. Please. Highest in the UK. It was Petrish Aroultage, of course. Now we had a character. No, which actor?

Oh, right, sorry, yeah. I missed the question. Ask me again. Okay, I'll tell you what we're doing. Edit point. Which character from people of appearances had the most domesticated animals in her house? 10 A. Tom. Yes.

Pository roundling. No, I said character this time, sorry. Hiya's. Hiya's. It was actually, highest in dog fish.. Now that's the end of the quickfire round. It's never gone this badly before, but we enjoyed ourselves very much. That's the end of the quickfire round, which means we have a winner and the winner is of course comedy, so, Puduta Ben, what the final scores? Ben and and then I'm 20 and a half Tom and Kevin have 30

Adolfs dinner so they have to make one was Tom and Kevin in the Casper drama so they get to go to bed with me thanks to our guests Ed Gamble and Kevin Elden We've been happy see you next time on See you next time on reveal your goth! I'm a spy, judge now that it's a positive option! The bridge is building on the evening! James everyone, bye! Bye, James! Bye! So you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats, but iced tea and ice cream? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats!

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