Pappy's Flatshare - Series 6, Episode 2 (Leaky Roof)

Episode Date: February 1, 2016

Danny Wallace and Felicity Ward are in attendance as Pappy's tackle a leaky roof. Plus... Special guest Rufus Hound showing off his vocal skills. Expect to encounter... two disturbing bathroom-based anecdotes (courtesy of Danny and Felicity), Tom provoking genuine hostility with his puns, Matthew shamelessly taking the suitcase dollar, Ben charging to the defence of furry animals and a story that will leave you unable to listen to 'Ok Computer' the same way ever again. Do use all the communication tools at your disposal - Facebook, Twitter, Shouting - to help spread the word about the new series - coming out on the first day of every month throughout 2016. Thanks! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's for and you can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup and maple lattes? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region, see you at for details.

Tom, Ben, come here quick, the roof is leaking. That's the shower Matthew. No, that's the shower over there Ben. What? Next thing you'll be telling me that this isn't the urinal. No Ben, that's the sink. Oh, and I suppose that isn't the toilet. No Ben, that's my bed.

Then why are you always shitting it? Tom, did you know the roof was leaking? Nope, I've been far too preoccupied with my new hobby. Firing my two pistolas into the air! Hey, hey, hey! Well, I guess we'll never find the cause, but one of you two needs to fix this leaky roof. Well, it's not gonna be me, hold on, you should the bed. Don't worry about that now, Ben. It's not gonna be me, I hate shingles, they're really hurt.

Well, in that case, we're gonna have to have a... Flashes, love now! Flashes, love now! Flashes, love now! Flashes, love now! Oh, listen to that! Hello and welcome to Flat Share Slam Down, the panel show that says, you and me, we used to be together, every day together, always. I really feel that I'm losing my best friend. I can't believe this could be the end

It looks as though you're letting go And if it's real, well, I don't want to know Don't leak, I know you'll just watch your sin So please stop explaining, don't tell me cause it hurts, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, don't leak, I know what you're thinking, and I don't need your reasons, don't tell me cause it hurts, I'm the host of Landlord Matty Crossbeam, and what? They're under my roof. They'll be following my rules, let's beat the tenants Tom Perry and Benedict's car. So Tom, why are you refusing to repair the roof? Well, listen to me. I'm going to fix the leak in the roof because let me tell you, I used to grow up in a cave and I had tricky

neighbours. Every day they'd come round and they'd trying to eat me but one day water was dripping through the ceiling the neighbors arrived I went out there there was mr. Owl and he said all little boy I'm going to eat you and there was the snake and the snake was like oh I'm gonna eat you up and there was the fox and the fox was like oh I'm gonna eat you up and there was the fox and the fox was like oh, I'm gonna eat you And then they looked behind me and saw something scary and ran away because they were scared it was the girl Rufa whole I said the gruffalo. Yeah. Look at the gruffalo. The gruffalo. Look at the actual...

What's this? What's this? That's not a good sign. I was going to go with Mark Malik. Are you... Oh, he's back. What do you want from me, guys? Tom, it's our absolute worst nightmare, a discerning audience.

LAUGHTER Clarke, why do you have the cheek to refuse to repair the leak? Well, I'm not going to fix the leak roof because... By the way, you could just say I don't want to and it would still be better than what Tom said. It's a lovely get out clause but I got a push forward till I get a book. I'm not going to fix the leak roof because I once knew a girl called Ruth. And I'm...

Stop now, mate. Yeah, I'm not gonna finish that stuff. I'll just give you the skylights. Skylights get to cheer! I win! I win! Let me tell you that is Ty over substance that is. Hey fuck you guys! No one on the podcast knows I'm here, but I'm fucking moving teams. So obviously you can't do such a dangerous job on your own Thomas and Ben.

Who have you brought along to be your ladder holders and hard carriers this week? Tom, well the Jamborees in trouble. Yeah. People have stopped coming. They've started booing the Jamboree. They're not enjoying it. Say to people, were you run the coconut shy? They say no.

They say we do publicity. They say no. They say we do the bake. They say no. So I needed a yes man. I needed someone who was going to do all those things. said, will you do the bake? They say no. So I need it a yes man. I needed someone who was going to do all those things. Hey you can't move this guy, it's the legend, it's the Danny Wallace everyone! I got you here Danny, I'm not sure they were doing neither.

You got to save this sinking ship mate. So Danny, I'm sorry, you can't change tea. No, I realised that slowly. So you were decent flatmates, you were good flatmates? I don't think that's any of your business. No, you're welcome to that team, they're fucking. You know, I think I'm probably quite a tender flatmate. I would often wake new flatmates from their slumber. I think I'm probably quite a tender flatmate. I would often wake new flatmates from their slumber

just by breathing gently in their ears, just like a call of a... Just like that, just to kind of just say welcome, welcome, right there. And I would sneak into the bathroom as they were doing their business and I would be disguised as one of those hand dryers. Oh my god. And as they moved away from the toilet to the sink, I would slowly break away from the wall and then I would just dry their hands as they were packing. I had quite a high turner of a baguette. Back it up to the E.

I had a high turner of a flatmates. So Ben, who have you brought along with you this week? My favourite city for Lissidy Wall! Yay! That took me a second there. I went, that's not a city, I was in my name. I was in my name. So Flisty.

Yes. Are you a tender flatmate or are you a completely different flatmates together? I'm not quite as tender or psychopathic as we're seeing. I think that I always wanted to have brothers and have any brothers and so I love JAPES and Pranks, but I've always lived with people that don't love JAPES and Pranks. So that is not work-out great. But they're never, ever like bad things. They're just funny to me.

There's a fight mate that I had who has been on this show who I will not mention her name. She's also Australian. She has a stand-up comedian. Her name rhymes with Ilya Nakola. And what used to happen is she would brush her teeth and she'd go to spit the toothpaste into the sink. And I would just hold the back of her head.

So she couldn't get up. I wouldn't push it in. I was just stuck in the bowl and she hated it and I thought it was the funniest thing in the whole world. Can I ask is that one of the japes or the pranks? Right so we've met our guests and let's find out which of them we'll have to fix the roof, the whole roof and nothing but the roof. As we, right guys, you've got very burry you guys. We cannot set a precedent for booing every time there's a pun, this show will never end. Let's play round one! There's a crack in the room to let the smogsong crack.

I had a night at the tiles and now we root tiles along the tracks. It's pissing it down and I've got the tiles and now they root tiles, they're all trash It's pissing it down and I've got the roof It's all over me for roof mate, I've got a fucking leaky roof It's raining, it's pouring in the old man It's a fucking junkie, look at that hole in your roof mate It's like a yorky, really junkie Having a party, everybody's single Drops on our heads as we're trying to mingle

Fuck me, anybody got some special angles I'm catching water in an empty tube of fringles Drip drip drip, I've got a linky roof Drop drop drop, it's the bleed truth I've put a pot on the ground, so let's pop some pop Cameron stops me benefits, so we rootstats it to rot It's dripping, it's like a shit shower, stand under there mate You'll be cleaning a fucking hour, it's not raining, captain, dogs, it's raining, buses and bitches

It's tapping on the air and til me left, I twitch it Yeah, it's like Chinese water torture, sitting under a roof that blairs prison torture. Watching MasterChef is a fucking monster, But this I'm going somewhere dry, let's go to where the spoons. Drift, drift, drift, got a leaky roof. It's got, drop, drop. It's the bleep proof. Now I'll tell you what, for any fans of the Sleeping Mods,

Sleeping Mod guys fans. That was good. Yeah. Oh god, damn it. That was a pitch-perfect parody for a band that no one has heard of. I didn't realise you had to be high to be on the show. The terrible mistake. So round one is called Rufus Sound. LAUGHTER

In this round, each team is going to hear some sounds, and they all have to do is tell me what the sound is supposed to be. Simple, right? Well, it would be, if I wasn't about to welcome to the stage, the sound maker, a man who is no stranger to making miscellaneous grunts, groans and weasers. It's the man after whom this game was named Mr. Rufus Hau! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Back in the back.

Wow! I'm doing, I'm Ray. Do you think the first of you heard of the Sleaf at Mods? I really liked the Sleaf at Mods. I got that joke first off, I'm a very good parody, and then looked around the room and went, no one else is laughing. LAUGHTER

I will disown this. LAUGHTER You haven't disown Duster, you're back after your last appearance when you were drunk as shit. Drunk as shit, right? Drunk as shit, but you know the worst thing about it was, as a fan of this podcast, I then listened to that podcast, I was like, oh man, I was drunk as shit. And the next week Tom made a joke about me being the same as Ding Gaffney and Richard Blackwood. He did make that joke actually, yeah. being the same as Ding Gaffney and Richard Blackwoods. LAUGHTER He did make that joke actually, yeah.

I've been on it. You can imagine this, right? He's already a fan of what? Let's be honest, the pretty fringe podcast. LAUGHTER And I'm like, I support them. I was tweeting shit about it. They've got BBC 3 series. That's been recommissioned. That's good for them. I was like, you know, you should really watch this. I heard that, I was like, fuck those cunts.

I was listed by three heroes. LAUGHTER So, Rufus, it's lovely to have you back on the show. It's lovely to be here. It's great. Why would I mean terrible? LAUGHTER You are going to be making some noises. We haven't shown you these yet. You know.

So, we're going to be making some noises for the teams. Each noise is kind of in, that's not one of the noises. The guy... What's going to say is good. That's really good. That's the definitely actually. The noises are kind of in three component parts. So for the listeners at home and for the audience here, this is the first noise that Tom and Danny are going to be guessing. Two chimpanzees playing tennis with hand grenades.

Right, teams, are you ready to hear the sounds? I certainly am. Okay, good. As I said, each arm effect will have three-kneed elements to it. It's a point on offer for each element you can give Rufus. Could you please hear the first Rufus sound? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! It was a very strong showing from Rufus Hound, man. Right. A very strong showing. A lot of it just sounded like Rufus Hound. I'm confusing. Okay, I've done my pre-gig masturbate. Now for the sound. LAUGHTER

OK, Tom and Danny just had any ideas. That was just the first sound. That was all three parts. That was all three parts. Well, it was basically, it's three component parts to the same scenario, let's say that. So there's some kind of... Primate. Primate, yes.

I mean, the firearm of some description. I thought it might be slapping slapping something against a bucket Not so so some kind of monkey or chimpanzee yes With some kind of like weapon Right is this through the keyhole Like weapon Right is this is this through the keyhole We'd create a real nice to be the keyhole atmosphere Obviously enjoys sport

That's very close that is very good So it's a monkey playing squash or tennis Monkey tennis you've literally got for Monk tennis. Oh my god. It's a chimpanzee. It's a chimpanzee. Monk tennis. Monk tennis. Monk tennis.

Monk tennis. It was a chimpanzee playing tennis with a great age. It was incredible. Daddy, that was incredible. That was easy. And now to show how I should have sounded, here are two chimpanzees. Rufus, can we hear the next sound? This is for Felicity and for Ben, but of course, for the listener at home and for the audience

here. Here is what Rufus is going to be noisy. A robot, pinging an elastic band at Tom Jones's ear. So Rufus, will you make your sound for Felicity and for Ben? Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, It should be a podcast that it's over, right? People would pay for this.

Roof of sounds. If we can't get Dave to at least chuck a 50-quid away to do this, then I don't know. I don't know what we're doing with our careers. If Coventy Central are going to fork out for us to do this. Right, you want to break down the component parts. That was very, very, very good work from Rufus there, wasn't it? Oh, it wasn't, because they didn't sound like it.

And... And yet, because of us that... Whoa! Was it? That sounded to me like the voice. Whoa! When he hits the button, it turns round and he might have said, oh! Tom John, yes!

Oh my gosh! Very strong! Very strong! What the fuck is going on? OK, before you get it correct, let me tell you exactly what I thought it was. Very strong Very strong Fuck he's going on Okay, before you get it correct, let me tell you exactly what I thought it was I thought it was Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah on silent and vibrating and then a dog trying to answer it! I wouldn't love it if I'd written down for Rufus. Make the noise of someone trying to dial a terrible phone.

It was Tom Jones but yeah yeah, what else have we got there? Okay, so it's still this... Oh, is it someone underwater? A diver? No. Is it? Is it dial up internet? I'm just saying words now. You've got to get away from the diver. I know!

I'm the work. Blub, blub, blub, blub, what was that? Oh, yeah. Stairlift. Remote control car. Remote control. Remote control. Remote control. Remote control.

I'm John. I'm going to have to. I'm going to have to hurry over. I'm going to have to hurry over. I'm going to have to hurry over. I'm going to have to hurry over. No. Do you guys have any idea?

No. OK. Do you want me to recap the noise? Will you guys have any idea? Join us a recap the noise. Will you be kept the noise please? Yeah, I will Diling a tail robot robot is correct That's one point Another robot still say robot A robot over there

A robot robot I'm a robot robot Yeah, and on Tom Jones having a masturbate No I'm a freight Now I'm going to give you an extra point for robot But is a robot peeing in an elastic band at Tom Jones's ear So, wow, it's so good. Rufus, Rufus.

APPLAUSE Rufus Hound, can you believe it? They're actually still more for you to do. Oh, right! Tom and Danny are going to make a noise for you now. Oh, OK. And see if you can guess what that noise is. Yes. OK, so first of all, for the audience at home,

and for audience here, here is what the play is called. The display. A class of schoolgirls climbing a mountain in windy conditions and meeting a mariachi band. LAUGHTER Er, I know. Ooh! H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h Oh, he's trying to get one of his fighting up again. Oh, snapchat.

Oh, he's straight next to. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I'm in there! I'm in there! I'm in there! I'm in there! I'm in there! I'm in there! I'm in there! I'm in there! I'm in there! Wow! Again, surprisingly strong work there. Surprisingly strong.

Rufus, do you have any clufus? No, that is unmistakably only one thing. That is two Japanese teenage girls having the wind blow majestically over their vaginas from which a Romanian circus spills tall. Wow, wow, it's so close I have tempted to give you the point. I mean the point. It's a raw shark test. That is a wonderful exercise. Into the mind. He wasn't even talking about this. So is a Japanese element?

What? Oh snapchat! It wasn't necessarily Japanese. Oh history next week! Well they were teenage girls. Yeah, a team of schoolgirls, yeah, yeah. Being among the schoolgirls. Tickled in the breeze, in the wind.

Oh, so steep! Oh! What tickled in the in the breeze in a wind Walking uphill So the music of Johnny Cash I'm gonna give Tom and Danny two points there instead of the three. It was actually a Marriachi band, they were charged. They were on a Marriachi band, but don't worry because Ben and Felicity are going to go, yes, give her a blow. Because Ben and Felicity are going to, so Ben Felicity, here's what you're going to be doing and for the viewers at home.

Ateria on a trampoline, dialing up old school broadband. Right. LAUGHTER Unbelievable. Unbelievable. You couldn't have planned it. Make those noises if you would please. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- LAUGHTER Not bad. Not bad. Rufus, have you any idea what that was?

Idea! LAUGHTER That was a young fox on a trampoline becought by two Japanese teenagers. LAUGHTER Well, you could tell from the cheer from the audience that was the trampoline is correct, but it's not a young fox and it wasn't Japanese girls. It's never Japanese girls.

What is it that this poor guy has against Japanese girls? Would you like us to relieve the magic? I would refresh her probably I probably wouldn't hurt. Is it dog? It is a dog, yes. A dog on a trampoline? Yes. And the last bit is

Oh, using a facts machine. Using a 56k diala modem. Well, I think three points there, two and a half. To Ben and to Felicity. Big thanks to our special guest, Rufus Houd. It's the Rufus Houd! Producer Ben, at the end of that round, what are the scores on the doors?

Ben and Felicity have four, Tom and Danny have six. Oh! Oh! So Tom and Danny are our winners, but neither team has guaranteed a light on the doors. Ben and Felicity have four, Tom and Danny have six! Oh! So Tom and Danny are all winners but neither team is guaranteed a night on the Charles, we stop the play round two, it toll? Games! If you lose you get nothing. Games! If you win you get gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold!

Oh, listen! They're not booing anymore, all right? Gold! Gold! Gold! Those booze have turned to gold. LAUGHTER That is the catchphrase. Now, each week in flat games we take a popular game and ruin it. This week we're playing Ludo. Or as we're calling it, Liewd, ABCD, EFG, H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.

Oh, when Tom plays it, Budo! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a snap! Oh, when a toddler plays it, play-play-doh! Budo! Budo! Yeah, that's good. That's snap. Oh, when a toddler plays it, play, play, though. Boo. Boo. Boo. You're now doing your own booze and in the jokes.

Geroffalo? LAUGHTER OK. I told Clark he'd Geroffalo before we did it, and he said, yeah, go with that. But he knew what he was doing. Of course he did. Stabbed in the back by Ben and Dick.

Had Skylabs and his back pocket the whole time. I'm not saying I've got nothing, I've got nothing, a bag! So here is how we play the game, I'm not going to say the title again. We're going to go through the alphabet, play it by player with each contest and saying a word that starts with their letter, the twist is that the words have to be sexy, rude or naughty, or have to seem like they are. So I'll give you one point for a rude word and two points for a non-rude word that you've

managed to sort of sex up. So you get one point for boner and you get two points for giving us a boner by saying the word pure row. So Ben, hello? Hello, you are going to Ben, you're going to start with the letter A, if it gets B, then you see Tom D and so on. So would you start with either a rude word or a non-rude word, Ben, will you play? Assssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Not to live up to there. Can I use an expression? Yeah, alright. Do you know how I actually find your accent quite sexy?

So I realise you've got to point it anyway. You find this sexy accent disgusting. Boy, you're a bad person. Oh, mate, come over here and touch me in the prom of it. It's not a sexy accent. Oh, you got me right in the bathing suit area. Oh, that is actually... I'll give you the bathing suit area.

Crank shaft. It's like on a car, you know. It's an old car. Dick, dick. Dick Dick Dick Dick No, that's that's perfectly legitimate gameplay EEEEELOPE A flanging fancy

I don't know how I got away with it. Gastric band. Oh, hospital gal. Igloo. I'm not going to allow it. Felicity. Eglow. I'm not going to allow it. Felicity. J. Jizz. Jizz. It's a classic.

It's not sexy though, even. Well, like, Jizz. Jizz. Eglow. Kartoffel Salat. It's all right. some German fans in. What does it mean in German? Well, in English.

In English, yeah. It means the same to church in Egypt, do I see it? Well, it means potato salad. Little Dictic. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Mmm. LAUGHTER Thank God this desk is it.

Nips? As in nipples. Oh. I just know there's been the mention of Japanese cool girls. Thank you. Very clear that I am Australian and abbreviations is where I go first. Oh, Janissum. Peabake boat. I can't allow it.

Queef. Not allowing that. I don't know what it means. Google it. I'm bringing a ding-ding. I'm sorry, I'm not allowing that. Sex movement. Well, you know, I've been using sex movements. All sorts.

There's two different ones. I wouldn't have given you one point for sex, but I'm taking away the point for the word movement to the end of it. I was only offering sex as the answer. I was just talking about different movements. No, I'm afraid I'm not going to allow it. All right, Tom. Tom's a lider.

LAUGHTER Oh! LAUGHTER OK, yeah. Clark at you. You're a quiet... LAUGHTER Movements. LAUGHTER

Vulverific. LAUGHTER Hey! Willy movement. LAUGHTER There you go. X-ray of my dick dick. So you can see his pubic bone.

Yeah. My head's just going, zebra. Say zebra. I'm like, that's nothing. I'll tell you what, go and say Zebra and see if you can make it sexy. Zebra, Jizz? Yeah, that is sexy. Yeah. Keep it looking at my Google search history.

Is it black and white? No, it's more of a grey area. Can we cut out the thinking time? In the podcast, I make it seem like I'm really fast. Put the cake this bit in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, finally, it all hinges on you as Ebra. That's pretty much.

That's two points to me, yes? Ebra! Yay! That's two points to me, yes. Abraham! Yeah! We're getting, yes. Well, congratulations one person like those go jerk off to that round. No, no, no. If you have, it's not something behind this desk right now.

We're like a home, you're a home. If you're only staying at home and you're jerking off to flash a slam down, please. Just not. Do tweets us with the other half. If I was, if I was, oh no. Come on, come on. Finish the thought. If you're about to do that, it's bad.

I was going to say if I was 14, I'd probably jerk to that. Wow. But I'm not encouraging any 14 year old two jerks of that and then getting touched with us because that would be awful. But I'm just saying that when you're 14, you jerk to anything, wouldn't you? No. To Tom Salitis being said by you. Hospital girl.

Little dicked. A jerked to OK computer. It's sexy and the OK computer. Just witteries. Oh, I've jugged them all. Did you spree-fing memories? Happy old fiddle. Oh!

You lost! Like a pig in a cage? Oh! That's why I think he is! Oh, you actually drooled when you said yes that time. It's absolutely foul. But you said Ben, let's save us from this round. What were the scores?

Benefici-I'm 21. Tom and Danny have 26! Oh my god, what's this saying? It's far. And you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup, maple lattes, and maple bourbon.

Yes, we deliver those. Turtles? No, but turtles the dessert? Yes, because those are groceries and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly.

Product availability varies by region. See you at for details. Hey, Cas Powers, the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm David Borris, Canadian historian and host of Curious Canadian History, a bi-weekly deep dive into the wild, worrisome, and wonderful world of Canadian history. This season we've covered not season Alberta, the Palestinian partition, and even the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.

We also have eight seasons worth of back episodes all right there for your listening pleasure. Check out new episodes of curious Canadian history every other Tuesday wherever you get your podcast. Hey cast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. acas.com and monetize their podcast everywhere. eqs.com Well, if that round brought sexy back to this round is bringing baby back ramps! It's beef brothers!

Well, if you have a problem, don't call it a problem, if you have a problem, call it a beef! If you've got a beef, think we can help you to be from the sorting like a beef! Yes, it's beef brothers, where each week we can help you with a beer from the sorting like a beef. Yes, it's beef rolls where each week we ask our panels to sort out a flat-share beef. And this one comes from our audience member,

Scott, Scott, are you there? Hello, okay, Scott says, my wife lets the cat sleep on our bed. Oh. Every morning, the cat wakes me up by sneezing in my face. LAUGHTER My face, the next I one is my fair of bit. Well, refreshing in a way.

LAUGHTER I tend to sleep with my mouth open. Oh! And so the danger of cat flu is real, clear and present. Should I somehow muzzle the moggy? Now, Tom and Danny, you are on Scott's side and benefit, you are on the side of the cat and indeed Scott's wife.

But of course, before we start making our cases as the people at Samson, I often say, there's time for a cross. Yeah, it was a c'mon! As you like them, Apple. There's time for a cross examination. Any questions for Scott, that he's here? How long have you been married?

Five years. And how long has this cap been on the scene? Two years. Which sounds very jazzy, wouldn't you say? Bill. Bill. How long has this cap been unseen? How long has it been wearing a beret?

Whose decision was it to get this so-called cat? Yeah. Probably my wife's. Why does your wife make all these decisions about who will or will not sneeze in your mouth? Was that no part of the marital orce? It's got a good point. Did you write your own vows? It's not what it was. In sickness and in health and straight in the gob. Felicity and I like those.

I do. Felicity and Ben, do you have any questions for Scott now? Bear in mind you're on his wife and the cat's side. Do you have any problems with intimacy? Strong and not a strong relationship. With the same species as fine. With the same species as fine. So your clothes might not fit.

Do you hate any other animals? Don't answer that, Scott, to leave the question. Thank you, Councillor. Scott, is this cat of a claw that you are big? Yes, all the time. Interesting. Have you ever antagonised the cat while your wife hasn't been there? I.E. throwing something at its head and thinking it's hilarious

But it is yeah Scott just described this count in three words, please one of them can't be kept She's cute no three words that help us. Oh, it's easy. Don't use the seven dwarves. I'm not saying say this, but words like evil. Words like that. Don't say that, but say words like that. Vicious. Vindictive. Vindictive. We can build a case now, good. Can I ask one more question? No, have you ever bought cat medicine to help this cat sneeze? I did it.

Well, that is definitely enough information for our teams to make their cases. And speaking of making cases, no one makes cases like the good people at Samsonite. Anyway, I call upon Danny Wallace, you have one minute to begin the case, for the prosecution don't forget you're on Scott's side and your time starts now. Who here can say we have never sneezed into the open mouth of a sleeping man? All of us, because it's disgusting and it is wrong. When you add to that the fact that this is a cat that not only fraternises with other cats and dogs but also licks elements of its own being and maybe other similar beings, you know, stray cats, those cats that come

in from other countries who come here and take your neighbours mean that they live outside all that kind of stuff and then have your dad sitting in the sneeze into your open sleeping mouth. That is the nightmare that Scott has been going through day by day for the last two years. Two English years. Yeah ladies and gentlemen. Two years. Well all you wanted to do was wake up as a cup of English breakfast team and watch the bloody ride stuff. Yeah, hair!

Scastic, vote you, kids. Okay, well, the case very well made, a lot of exciting arguments that I'd love to chat to you about afterwards. Well, the case very well made, a lot of exciting arguments that I'd love to chat to you about after it so... Finally, someone who's speaking my language, English! Ah, Felicity, now of course remember you're on the cat and indeed the wife's side and you have a minute to start your case for the defence beginning now. As a hard-working foreign cat myself, I've come over here, I've taken the shitty jobs and I've done what needs to be done because I want to blend into society. And what we have here is a cat that's just trying to blend in, who loves its owner equally

so much as to sleep in between the two owners. Now what cat's crave is discipline and have they put him outside? No. And so he keeps coming back in and trying to love them. Now what Kat's crave is discipline and how they put him outside, no. And so he keeps coming back in and trying to love them. And he's sick and is that husband doing anything about it? No, he just takes it day in, day out, taking the sneezes, bitching and moaning, not doing anything about it, no action, just laying there, literally laying there and taking it.

So I'm very much, you're a part of the whole problem yourself. Because you know what you have? Opposable thumbs, yeah? You know what you have? Money. You know what the cat doesn't have? It doesn't even have part-time work. Five seconds.

I'm just saying he's trying to do all that he can within his powers and you can do more and you're not. And you're complaining about it. And I just think it's really tough. Excellent work there. Excellent work there from Felicity Ward. Scott, how do you think it's all going so far? Well, those have been two Scottish years, rather than English years. Oh, but apart from that I think I'll be very well-affected. Still part of the union, Scott, around here.

Come on, mate. Hashtag better together. Um... Fuck you. Oh! I love a bit of RG Bargit. That's what we're talking about. Can we have that guy kicked out, please? They'll vote themselves out, people are calling you.

So it sounds like Scott was fairly happy with the case. There's no stupid Scott. I know, credible. They could then pee any more Scottish man than a Scott called Scott. By the way speaking of the case, if you are looking for a good case, I could always recommend Samsonite. Now, the second prosecution comes from Tom. Now, Tom, are you going to be doing it as yourself this week? I'm going to be doing it as my deep-south defence lawyer character

from a John Grisham novel, Mr. Fanchelstand. Mr. Fanchelstand in presiding, anything providing? You will a minute. Should you need it? Begin right about now. Ladies and gentlemen, off to jury. Foreign friends from further a field. Well, we all sit in there right now.

I can tell what you be thinking. You think about your first pair of nature? Hell, I know that. I know you say there, go John, you'd be thinking about Derek, your little sprinter speniel. We all remember Derek, hell with the fluffies. You used to see him outside the bakery, and we all know those fluffies. Hell, I remember wrong.

Golden retriever. Wind in his hair, tail of flapping. Hell, damn dogs, they be loyal. They look at you with them big eyes. Take me to church. I take you to church. They want to go to church, damn dogs? He let him mortality good versus evil dog

know what side he on? He on the good side. He buy a side for the shadow of darkness. Loyalty. Strength. Poos. Dogs. Day, strength, booze, dots,

hell I ain't never seen no cat in no church. You ever look at a cat, catting gold walk with you through the valley of darkness? Where's cat going be? Satan's creature, devil's tale, diagonalize. Satan's creature devils day diagonalize Nor food the questions you're on

Just to be clear Scott we charge by the hour When there was only one set of paw prints in the sand. So Ben, you are going to conclude the case for the defence. Hacking right. And your minutes begins now. Well, here's the thing Scott, first of all, may I say, sincerely. I think you're a prick, mate. LAUGHTER A cat, it's a sweet little creature,

and it's clearly dying. LAUGHTER And boy, you're doing this complaining about it. Fuck you, mate! LAUGHTER He's out of drink. You know? LAUGHTER Which is...

It's not, it's not, sir, name curiosity, because you're killing the cats! APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, it's towards a catastrophe. LAUGHTER You've changed. I'm out. LAUGHTER

Um, the... whatever I was doing rests. LAUGHTER Yeah, that's what I'm saying to all of you. That is an early rest, Marky. What a talk. Well, as the good people at Samsonite often say, let's see who made the best case, it was probably us. So I should mention that this round has been sponsored this episode.

And thanks to our sponsors today, Slasinger Sport. Slasinger Sport, affordable sports were expertly made. Slasinger Sport, since 1885. Anyway, if you think Danny and Fanshawe, and therefore Scott is in the right, I would like you to applaud now. That's for Danny and Fanshawe. But if you think Felicity and Ben made a case worthy of carrying a slasping just bought tennis rackets, I'll board now. There we go. Look at and indeed the wife wins the day there. Congratulations, I'm sorry about that Scott, Scott, how'd you feel? So I heard a bit the sack in the bricks of Wiener.

Oh! I think Justice has been done, you're an evil fucker aren't you Scott? Well folks, we're almost at the end of the show, as I said it's I would love to say right now. And unfortunately there's still the quickfire round and a company and quickfire round jingle, good luck everyone. Here we go! Quick fire out, quick fire out of my eye, if I wanted this jingle to go faster I'd put it on a fucking bike, it always takes so long, in the time I'd take to smoke a bonk, I haven't got the time, this isn't fine Or on the washing line

I'm being closed up, they're filthy Cause I live in fucking northern London town Where everybody's having the good time Yeah, let's get a jog on, we haven't got time I'm gonna log on, use my password It's a crossword puzzle Yeah, like Mr. Buzzle, the man who lives next door, I found him, asleep on the floor Wake up Mr. Buzzle, it's time for the creepfire round I said

He said, get rid of it mate, I'm going to bed, I'm unemployed Got nothing to do with it, let's get a jog on, creepfire round Follocks, do a piss shit,'s get a jog on Quickfire round. Follocks! Do a piss shit! I'll act during the Quickfire round! Fuck it! Fuck off! Let's jog on, mate. Get the Quickfire started.

Too late, I farted. Answer the questions quickly. Like Mr. Sicily, he lives next door to me. Super-thal. I found him on the floor too. He's dog ways I must all. Get off with the crick-pile round. Here we go, sounds a pound, close to the ground, fuck shit, mollocks! Oh, the crick-pile round!

The longest intro to a quik-pile round. It's the obvious intro. And also as well, like by the way, do listen to the Sleaf and Mods. That's a very accurate parody. What I like about this is today I was having a coffee with Tom and he was like, oh, mate. The jingles this week are so good

that we recorded them yesterday. I asked Ben to send us me today, so I could listen to us hanging out. You're your own biggest fan. Oh no! Oh, it's a surprise! That's right, I live in a high rise. Don't act so surprised.

We do it every time. Open your eyes. Yeah, let's go up with the round. I have some questions. I'm so proud. I can only rhyme so many things with round. How would you hear the ground? It's talking about the sound.

That's right, I have some questions. Pouring a question mark. Let's get this started. It's going gonna be dark. Soon you'll learn where if you be buttoned, fucking moon, it's the button. I know you're a fucking con man. Yeah, buy a fucking tin of beans.

You know what I mean? It's like a fucker. Yeah, quick fire rounds, time to do it. Answer me this, where's me f***ing job seekers, mate? I want a job done, I quick fire rounds! LAUGHTER This is the sleep of monster, really good. The best beat is watching you sing along to your own song.

You're like, yeah, quick fire round, I love this beat. That was very strong work, that was good stuff. Oh, I mean, we're slasper. Is there another one we could listen to? We're slowly sort of wittling our audience down to just the three of us, I'm sorry. That's what we're doing. It's the dream, it's the dream, T. Right, okay, of course, in this quick for a round all questions will roof-based. So Tom and Danny, let's hear your buzzers. Ben and Felicity, let's hear yours.

Off we go. Why was the roofing tile in a hurry? It was slate. It was slate, sir! What did the roof say when it was upset about its drainage system? Ben, oh, I've done very upset about the drain. I can't give you half a point for that. What did the roof say when it was very upset about his draining system? I'm gutted. I'm gutted, yeah!

Which star of arm again can fix your roof? Tom. Roof with this. I like roof with this. I like roof with this. I'll give you half a point. Danny Wallace. The actress, Liv Tyler. Liv Tyler! Which star of Heather's can fix your roof? Christian Slater.

Christian Slater is correct. Which form of prime minister of Great Britain can fix your roof? Tom, pit the Slater is correct. Which former Prime Minister of Great Britain can fix your roof? Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, t's actually it's Gordon Browne, surprisingly skilled. No, it was, it was Bob Itthatchee, we'll give you the word for that. What do you call it when your back molars appear on top of your house? Tom, wisdom teeth on my roof. Wisdom tooth roof, I'll give you that. What do you call it when you're always that soft? No! No! BOOM! Fuck you all! I'm blinking all arm! If you boo those, look, there's another page of the fuckers.

Alright? What do you call it when horses? What do you call it when horses are on top of your house? Tom, who proof? Who proof is correct? Yes. What do you call it when actual phrases? I've never heard of who proof? With nothing. No, they're two things that rhyme with each other.

Two things that rhyme. Oh, I was just going to rhyme. So when do you call it when a tense thriller directed by Joel Schumacher with Colin Farrell? Keep this up. When a Boris Whitaker Tom Perry. Proof proof. No. Ah, a Boris Whitaker is on top of your house. I've thrown up to the audience member who's just got it. Phone booth. Phone booth is correct.

What do you call it when a baseball player is on top of your house? Oh, Harry. Babe, rude, rude. Babe, rude, rude. What do you call it when Sherlock Holmes is on top of your house? Top Harry. So, Harry. Truth, rude, rude.

What do you call it when a legal oath is on top of your house? Truth, rude. I'll get the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, I'll give you half a point. What do you call it when thirst and more's banned is on top of your house. Truth, truth? I'll get the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I'll give you half a point. What do you call it when first and more is banned is on top of your house. First thing was, Sonic and Groof is correct. I like that one. What do you call it when a lover will Disney dog

is on top of your house? Tom. Pluto is on my roof. It's the other one I'm looking for, I'm afraid. Oh, good for you, Roof. It's goofy, Roofy. It's goofy, Roofy. What do you call it when digna tass is on top of your house?

What are you talking about? Oh, you've got a good pronunciation here, it's correct. And what do you call it when the star of the fighting temptations is on the top of your house? Cuba-goodyne-Rufner. Oh, that'll do. That's his... That is our time. Those were our questions.

So... APPLAUSE Before we hear the final scores, there is just time for plugs. Danny, is there anything you would like to plug? No, cool! And for this, do you like to plug? I am doing my solo show at the Soho Theatre tomorrow night, so this will only be relevant for the people that are here.

Offer a test tape. But. Best for the next three nights. Awesome, yeah, you do go along and see if this is pretty exciting. You're doing... I'm joking. It's fucking incredible. And if you want to come and see you do live gigs, do you have a website? I use godeflucityworld.com. Awesome.

Alright, well as always, all right. Can I plug this episode? Yes, the best you've ever done. And this crowd, best crowd we've ever had. Yeah! Am I right? So, details have been all right through you, Perth. Details of all our upcoming gigs have been found on the website

www.papnewscobandy.com. Producer Ben, can we hear the final scores? It's a bit of a monster in this week. A monster in another monster. One team has 3,5 and a a half the other team has 37. Yeah, and it's a big fuck you to the boo boys because I've got a good feeling who it is Let's just wait The winners are Tom and Danny Fuck you all fuck you don't applaud me

Well, I it's mainly time I'm on this book You all, fuck you! Don't applaud me! And I want you to applaud, but I want you to applaud. Do we, Danny? Well, I, it's my only time I'm on this book. I see you. Danny, listen! I hate you. Well, yeah. I hate you, Danny. I've been booing me all night.

Fuck you all! Stick your applause on your ass! I've started my own team, team Danny. Yeah! Split their scores! Split their scores! I've got a really weak joke to end the show on. So I'm expecting the audience to be massively offside for this. So here we go.

So, Tom and Danny get to go to a rooftop bar, while the only rooftop bar that Ben and Felicity will be seeing is scaffolding. Oh, no! Oh, I'm the fucking leaveable! What a lovely thing, mate! I love it! What an the last word you've got? I love it! What I've taught you, anyone, is a policy word!

Weave in Pappies! See you next time on! Flash air slam now! Pappies, Flash air slam now, beach and puffy, Prossbeam, Ben Clark and Tom Perry, special guest, Filesity Ward and Danny Wallace. It was devised by Pappi's the producer, Ben Walker. Big thanks to everyone who came down and see the recording to the good folks at the New York City to their Tasha Cafe

and Sarah Grunf helping out to Orange Park for the British Company Guide and to the big puffer having us. And also massive thanks, as always, to Ruth Moushoud, our spirit dog. Happy Splash! Yes, famed out! He's a first production for the British Company Guide and the Internet. Cheers, everyone!

Bye! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Tastes and maple bourbon? Yes, we deliver those. Turtles? No. But turtles the dessert? Yes. Because those are groceries. And we deliver those too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See you at for details. you