Pappy's Flatshare - Series 6, Episode 3 (Caravan Holiday)

Episode Date: March 1, 2016

James Acaster and Alex Horne join Pappy's on a caravan holiday adventure! Recorded at the Machynlleth Comedy Festival, within you can expect to find a case of mistaken identity, a 'round that never was' that may well have been better (and certainly quicker) than the 'round that was' which took its place, and the words 'parking lounge'. Plus all the usual puns, confusion and shouting you've come to expect. It's Caravantastic! Do use all methods to help spread the word about Flatshare Slamdown - coming out on the first day of every month throughout 2016. Thanks! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at in Lutford. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters for December 15th.

Tom Man. Great news. I've booked it for a holiday. Yes. Please beat the Vali. Not a holiday, in for a holiday. Yes, please beat Diwali. Not a holy day, Ben, a holiday. Diwali is a holiday in India, so... Well, we're going on a holiday.

Alright, Matthew, tell us where we're staying. A hotel? A hotel. A holiday in? Say what? We're staying in a caravan. Oh, fuck off. Yeah, fuck off.

Well, has anyone been to settle this? No, did you not hear what we said? Fuck off. You're outvoted. settle this? No, did you not hear what we said? Fuck off! You're outvoted. We're not going to a caravan. Fucking caravan, man! Dickhead. But if we don't do this, then we're not going to be able to do the podcast.

Oh, all right then. Does anyone want to settle this? We're going to have to have a... Flashes have no! Flashes have no! Flashes have no! We love me! Flashes have no! Flashes have no! Flashes have no! Oh, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, flashes, Anything you want to be, baby And I know that you're sad

But I know you'll make you happy With the one thing that you never had Baby, caravan Don't you know that, baby Caravan That's it, if you're carabaning, do it, right? Right, do it with whales. I'm the host in landlord Matthew Crosby,

and while they're under my roof, they'll be falling my rules. Let's meet my tenants, Tom Barry and Ben Clark. Oh! Hello! So Tom, you're welcome. How is that Welsh? Yeah.

What does it mean? Don't know. I don't think it's hello. Any Welsh people in the audience know what Tom just said. You're welcome, pal. You're welcome's hello. Any Welsh people in the audience know what Tom just said. The organ vowel. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you.

Thank you very much Tom. Great to have you here. So Tom, why have you not got a caravan do spirit? Well, I once tried to go on a caravan holiday and let me tell you it was a nightmare. I went to one caravan. As I touched it, I got an electric shock and all my hair flew up.

It was a static caravan. Oh, and uh, yeah. I went to go into another caravan and someone was having sex tubelots in there. It was a six-perth. Oh, oh. I went to go into another caravan and it wasn't on wheels. It was a house. That's why I'm not going to do it. Okay. Fair enough. that was pretty good.

I enjoyed it. So Ben, why are you refusing to say yes we caravan? Well, I don't like caravan's full stop. First of all, not a van. If you have to pull it with another vehicle, can't pull it as a van, it's a trailer room. And also, growing up, as a tentmanman personally, which I think makes me lower middle I think caravanners and middlecloths static caravans upper middle cottage upper

Those are just words by the end of that side didn't Costage upper if you go cottageing yeah, yes yes That's I didn't. Cast your jumper. You got a cotter jig, yeah. Yes, that's the answer. That's a question. After your first sentence, you said full stop. And then you didn't say full stop after any of the other sentences. You said very dangerous precedent there, Clarky, to be... Has this one finished?

Open brackets. Oh, really? Well, obviously, you can't do this on your own. So who are the mobile homies you've brought with you... LAUGHTER Oh, this week. Ah! Tom, who have you brought along? Well, let me tell you something. The Jamboree is in danger. How about homies you've brought with you? This week. Tom, who have you brought along?

Well, let me tell you something. The Jamboree is in danger. Oh, no. Yeah. The Jamboree has reached the time of absolute crisis. It's just not fun anymore. So, I have to hire somebody to come in and pump it full of fun. I forgot to think about this bit. I think, yeah, I can tell. I went to the funniest person I could think of. The core gesture of the Jamboree himself.

It's Mr. James A. Castor, everybody. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE James A. Castor, thanks for coming on the show. Thank you for having me, Matthew. It's a real pleasure to have you. Are you a good flatmate? Yeah, pretty good. Keep myself to myself.

Chat when it's necessary. But I give people their room. There's a little white board in the corridor of our flat and I'll stand another chat there. But when he's motioned towards his bedroom, I'll let him go to sleep. Are you sure he's not motioning you towards his bedroom? We'll take it on to the next level. I've misread the whole relationship. What's your little whiteboard for? Do you leave each other? Yeah, it's no, he's only just got it. It's...

LAUGHTER I'm a single father, don't I mention? Not technically a flatmate. When emotions towards his bedroom are going, yeah, you got it, bed, see, like, it's always still there in the morning. That's the weird thing I walk out. I thought you wanted to go in a bed.

Well, you're still doing it in the corridor by the whiteboard? LAUGHTER Bringing the fun to the Jamboree. LAUGHTER So Ben, who have you brought along with you this week? I have brought my doctor... Doctor... Alex Horn. Oh my god.

Yeah. That's what I thought. Alex Horn. Doctor Alex. So, Doctor Alex, what's... Yeah. Do you often hang out with your patients? You didn't plan that either, did you? Do you tell Alex you're going to describe me as a doctor? No, no, no. Not really a doctor, are you not a doctor?

No, I am a single father, like Jane. I mean, I've married to their mum, but I'm the only one of us who is a father. You've got to delineate the role, 70 years. So, a fan, mate-wise, I've got three children. I've got two children. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn I'm mainly just clearer. Shit, shit. They are like us. No. What's the question? Am I a doctor?

Yeah, so you're not a doctor. No, you're not a doctor. Okay, fair enough. My doctor, doctor. Is he? Yeah, GP. He's called Dr Hugh Horn, and his patient's called Dr Hugh Horn. What's your name?

My mum's called Dawn. Dawn Horn! Generally is. This is gorgeous. Really? What's your, what's your, what's your mod name? My mum's called Dawn. Dawn, Dawn! Dawn, Dawn! Generally it. This is gorgeous. Brilliant. I've probably got a whole family. Yeah.

Sister Kulai-Ona. LAUGHTER No, no, no, no. What have you called your kids? Tony Barriam-Tarron. There's nothing wrong with that. Nice name, nice name. Right, let's get this show on the road.

They're off the road and into a field with a gorgeous view of the Welsh countryside as we play Round 1! Caravan! Caravan! Caravan! Caravan! Caravan! Here we go! Where be the action act when the sun goes down and the beach is wet?

Where do we hear after dark where the players act? But the caravan part, part's kicking its gongful thug I got the stove connected to the gas bottle Music cranked to the party jumping just to shame There's no room to stand up in This is my caravan This is my caravan You're my caravan woman

I am your caravan Caravan Caravan Caravan Caravan, Caravan, Caravan, Caravan, Caravan, Here we go! So grab your beer and drink you wine Limbo that retractable washing line Cause hate is gonna hate and play is gonna play

And fool the way tables get folded away It's the early hours, but no one's young We got a dance floor going when I pop the on it Come on down, show me what it's worth How 50 people in a seven bus This is my caravan, this is my caravan You're my caravan man, I am your caravan Wow, yes

Less a jingle, more a concept album Do we need the second verse we said? Yes we do What the at-home list I can't see is that everyone here at Mac has taken their shirts off and cracked open the glow sticks. We really are having quite a rave. So round one, it is called Caravanteaks Roadshow. In it, I'm going to ask our team to play out an exchange between Antiques Expert and

a punter. But in a total 180 degree flip on the much cherished BBC series, in our game, it's the punter who has to guess what item they've brought in based on the much cherished BBC series. In our game, it's the punter who has to guess what item they've brought in based on the clues the expert gives them. Now, producer Ben has added a sentence there, which I think makes it less easy to understand what game we're playing.

But if you put it in front of me, I will read it. So Tom, you're gonna be the first expert. We very much come up with a title and then have to work on that. For us, okay, me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So basically, I've given you something there, an item that James has brought in. You have to describe it and James has to guess what it is.

I bought it in. He's right. He is right. We have a point this through. I like the way James wants to play him. It's going to be a very short and uninteresting game. What we're going to do now is we're going to take a 15 minute break while we work out the formats of the first game. You don't mind that, do you?

No, I'll tell you what. I was going to be your so caravane, you probably think this song is about you. Yeah, we had to abandon that because it's starting work at all. No, it was sing a song about yourself, wasn't it? It was sing a song about a famous person with your name. Would you be more of that James? Yeah. Oh, give it a quick go. See if you can sing a song about a famous James, we'll see if we

can work out who it is. It lived on the creek and you hung out with Joey and... Oh, yes, James. That's the James van der B. Oh, it would have been a great game. So, such a shame, a good game. Such a shame, we never get to see that game in action. Like you're a mask in the bad men films,

No one understood what you were saying. Tom Harding. Tom Harding! Tom Harding. It's a good game. Alex, do you want to go for one? I'm horny. I don't understand the rules.

No, that's not right. It is a complicated game. Unlike this game, with its 180 degree twist. So, wow. So, basically, you've brought in an item, James. You don't know what it is. Tom is an expert, he does know what it is. He's going to describe it to you

and you have to guess what the item is through the description. For the people at home and for the audience here, this is what the item is. Lily Allen's left bowling shoe. So, Tom, off you go. So So what have you brought in for us today? I don't know. Yeah, I wouldn't leave at that point. We've already established there are floors in this, but well this obviously is part of a set. Have you got the other one? Boops. No, no. It's very

nice to have a terrific show. But obviously it's part of a pair. The other one is missing, so that will devalue it slightly. It's obviously dated from, I would say, the noughties, the late noughties when the owner would have been in her prime. Maybe she inherited it from her father, if he wasn't such a annoying dickhead. The eccentric British celebrity that he is. She probably wore this when she was coming up with some of her brilliant songs. Oh, you can see the role of Dex and Thomas's brain spinning round to remember one of her songs.

She must have rode her bike to this bowling alley because the filth took away her license. I seem to remember. What? Well, I told Tom we've got the flat-share slam down. Thanks for coming along. We like to thank all of you for the max. He's really making me sweat. What bowling alley?

Is it boobs? I've done a really good job here, I think. I think I'm very well. Yeah, that's a good job. A bowling shoe. Yes! Sorry, I thought the audience were going to be as excited as I was. But no.

A bowling shoe, yes, that's right. I mean, it's not right because it's a specific bowling shoe. Sure. Is everyone else like this as painful as I am? No, this is right up, this is right up, I'm having a lovely time, Matthew. Yes, that's right, yes. I'm going to have to hurry you face. So, you're a famous bowler? No, there aren't many.

Would this be confusing to say that? I think that should be the famous Monet painting of this woman. Lily, yes, yes, yes. So it's Lily. Alan's Polish. No, you've got to be Alan. That's Polish.

Yeah, well, you're not right. It's part of a pair. Lily Alan's left Polish. Yeah. And the proud are on their feet. They're leaving. They're leaving. They're leaving.

They're off. Right. Well, if you can believe it, we're going to do pretty more of these. So Ben, we might have to just see how quickly Ben and Alex do this. I've got a gig at 10. Now Ben, you're going to the expert and again, for the audience at Mac and at home, here is the item that Alex has brought in.

Richard and Judy's Disney alarm clock. Excellent work there for producer Ben, too. I asked you to wear a bikini for this role, but you refuse. Then and Alex. I mean, no, I'm wants to hear this. Off you go. Well, hello, what an item you've bought in for me today.

I would say that this is alarming. Why don't you make eye contact? Well, look at me. I'm looking at the item. Look at me. Oh my God, you're gorgeous. Thank you. Well, it is a timely piece.

OK. It's a small. It was actually owned, I believe, by two famous people. How would I describe them? I think it's a bit of an art horse. Oh, right. Two arse. Allegedly. Allegedly, now they're famous for recommending I think that's a... Art horse. Oh, right. Two art horse.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Now, they're famous for recommending books. Oh, yeah. I know this one. I know this one. Yeah. Is it an antique?

I mean, is it... Oh! I don't want to talk about the... No, it is a more contemporary item, I would say. Yeah. Why if I brought it into Antique's room? I have no idea. I'm going to say you're not going to get a good price for it.

It's a themed piece by a famous cartoonist and anti-Semitic cartoonist. As I understand this, right? This is a very loyblist ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm not giving you the impression that I thought it was most famous for isn't it I think pretty much isn't it? oh well okay yeah got him ah there you go okay Alan do you think you know what the item is?

yeah so it's the Madeleines Mickey Mouse alarm clock I'm gonna give it to you yes it's written in Judy's Disney themed alarm clock cool I'm tempted just to... I can do it now, God. I know this now. You want to do it? Yeah, yeah. Alright, James, we'll do one with James and we'll do one with Alex. But, um... Make it quick.

LAUGHTER You got it? Ah. Let's move on. LAUGHTER I think we need to waste any more time. No, for the listener at home, here is what James is going to be describing. Joseph Stalin's Silver Dog Leade.

Okay, James, in your own time, off you go. This item, I knew you've bought it, this man must have owned a man's best friend, he was owned that and wanted to take him for a walk and not with any plated item. Not plated item. It's plated. It's a bowl. It's a bowl. It's a bowl.

You came second in a race. It's not. It's not. Isn't it how people do antiques vote show? It's actually a lot harder. Okay, okay. It's not quite hard. They don't try and give clues.

They just try and describe it. It's silver. That's what you're saying. Yes. And I imagine that after a hard day's dictating, and I've heard of all the people who have been called and asked whole so far today. LAUGHTER In this round, this gentleman...

It really takes the biscuit. The dog biscuit, dog biscuit. Is it Jeremy Clocks? No, no, not us, but... Scale it down. Is it a Hitler? He? He? Now, I have very limited knowledge of this man. But he had a little mustache

Not Hitler Bigger mustache than Hitler. I think I've seen the cover of a book And he looked like he had a mustache on it. So it's Mussolini No, that's a city No, no, no, I think this guy, not my salini, I'm trying to remember what country he did bad things in. Let's scale it down.

Not England. But he walks his dog. Yes. Is it in a hot country? That's neither here nor there Well at the moment it's either Stalin or Mughalbi, and I'm trying to know it down. What of them and So is it in a hot country or a cold country? Not not where Mughalbi lives So is it Joseph Stalin's silver dog bowl? Tasting for a walk.

Tasting for a walk. Lead. Yes. Oh! Joseph Stalin's silver dog, Lee. Alex. And for the people at home and the audience here, here is what Alex is going to be describing to Benedict.

Tom Jones is Elephant Posing Pouch. I can tell by your laughs it's going to be very easy for me to get. Do you know what I think part of the pace of this round is affected by the characters that we're all choosing? Yeah, you've all picked the same character. Wheeeee! Wheeeee! You should be like a peppy modern.

Okay, yes. Really? Yeah. Wheeeee. This item, I mean, when I read the name of your item, I didn't understand it. Right, that's the time. Still I've done. There's a word that seems to have been put in there for no reason. But we'll give it a go. Okay. So this item, the smell is, I guess it's a clue if you imagine a mask, but make it more masculine. I mean I bear my eye on a what I'm describing because I'm just...

An exaphricke? Probably, probably. So it's a man's item of clothing I think. Yeah, he's not an asshole this one. Okay. He's got an asshole. And this item... That narrows it down.

This item lives near this man's asshole. When When I say, lives, that's the wrong way. But it does. It's... Okay, so this man is a... You do know that Ben's on your team, don't you? Yeah, yeah. But I can't remember the rules. Am I not to just say what it...

No, not so good. No, you can't just read it down. So it's an item of clothing belonging to a... A sex god. Who I model myself on and And we all should he is okay from this fair land. I've got it. I don't know you do It ramps around him is middle it has a trunk Does that help? Yeah, I know I know that's a bit of it through me as well

I don't understand like one of those things thought but it's an animal. Yeah, I know, I know, that's a bit of a through me as well, I don't understand. Like one of those things thought. But it's an animal. Yeah, like an elephant thought. Yeah, a bit like that. Yeah, like an elephant thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's happy we're going to give it, yeah. Tom Jones's elephant posing pouch was the actual...

...posing pouch. I didn't know that was a thing, is that a thing to have an animal pant? Well, I think it's mainly the elephant because of the trunk, you can just pop your boy into the trunk. I have a little pair of like boxershaws. You're not living life, you're not living life. So at the end of that round, produce a bent, what are the scores? Well, I'm just giving them 1.8, so it's 2.18.

2.18. So look out for 2.18. I know, for fuck's sake. But don't worry. It's first to 50, everyone, first to 50, so. Do not worry. There's plenty of chance to take the lead. Your attempts have not been in Caravane. You can win it all. In round two, it's flat games.

Gaze! Let's play together! Gaze! Let's play forever! Roll the dice, spin that thing! Put that down! Do as you told! Gaze!

If you lose lose you get nothing Games if you win you get gold Gold, gold That is the sound of a catchphrase Three years That's what we've built up to I- people Saying gold

Each week in flat games we take a popular game and make it flat this week It's a Wales based literary version of angry birds angry birds. I'm gonna give each team a subject to complain about in rhyme Player one says the first line then player two rhymes with it then play it to the next line and player one rhymes with it and so on As I know very little about poetry points will be awarded based on terms I found on the BBC Bite Size website. So I'm looking for a literary, an assonance, dialogue, dissonance, enjampplement, hyperbole, oxymoron, personification, repetition, rhyme, rhythm, symbolism, tone, and of course Roger McGoth. So Ben and Alex, you're going to begin and I'd like you to get angry in rhyme

Ben and Alex, you're gonna begin and I'd like you to get angry in rhyme about parking tickets. Off you go. Ben, you have to say something. Parking tickets make me very irate because parking tickets... Just get right on my gate. No, I have expressions. Just get right on my gate, you know that expression. I got my gate, yeah, yeah, yeah. Parking tickets get on my gate, yeah. The last time I parked in the disabled lounge.

It's another phrase. And once again, remember I'll expand it on your team. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lounge. I mean, disappointingly, it's normally called like a parking space or a bay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe it would have been very lovely, yeah. But we've gone with lounge off you go, Frankie. I was ticketed because I was not allowed.

There's one person trying to start a round of applause shame on you. So you're wronged lounge with lounge. Allowed. Allowed. Allowed. Allowed. Okay and another line for Alex now to write for you, right? The colour of the tickets is bright roaring. Yeah, orange drives with lounge more than a lounge. You could have done that a minute ago. You could have done that a minute ago. And the parking warden looked like Beyoncé's sister Solange.

Yeah, strong. Very good. Another one. We're in position. No, no, no. The thing about parking tickets that please me right off. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I'm learning art for the... There's real chemistry between the two of them. It's just... You know, I'm a table. A natural double act. It's because of Roger McGolf. Okay, awful.

Yeah, awful, awful. I'm afraid... What? We've ever done. As a former English teacher, I'm afraid you've both failed. Let's hear it from the top though. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Tom and James, it's your turn, and I would like you to get

poetically annoyed about bad manners. Tom off you go. I tell you who's rude. Those fucking town planners. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha They spit when they talk and they've got awful manners. Good to set up. They fart at the table. Come on, it's funny. I never say please.

I can't stand it when I'm eating and someone cuts the cheese. Very nice. So I seat to them town planners, stop being so rude. And they say, just hold your nose while you're eating your food. Can I go on there, team? Just look for a bit. Do you want to chip in with a little ribatine? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it alone. What'd you do, that? Yeah, let's do it. Oh, God let down, I love it. We'll do it mate. When we're in the lounge, they're not polite either.

That's what I'm talking about. It makes me so mad that I run a fever. I say to them town planner, get out of my home. And they say, this poem is longer than the last one, but we will leave you alone. Yeah, I'll take you. I'll take you. That was a fantastic job. It was a great, a great, a great ambition. And I think we have to give them a full five points for that because that was absolutely superb. Wonderful work there. Congratulations to James and Tom. It did so well they now have an honorary two-two from Aberystwyth. Congratulations. Producer Ben, what are the scores of the

end of that round? Well I've gone with Tom and James and I've got seven and Alex and Ben have got three and a half. You've gone with that. I've given them a point and a half. You've given the point and a half. You guys have a point and a half. Yeah. Well, for Salon. But we're all angry about that. Oh, for Salon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll give them one off for the... You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea and ice cream. Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost almost anything. cream? Yes, we can deliver that.

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A woman planting her course to free to add in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.iance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters for December 15th. So we've let in their angry rhymes, now it solves some flat-based crimes. It's beef brothers! Well, yes! You've got a problem! I'll call it a problem! If you've got a problem, call it a beef!

If you've got a beef, beef! Maybe we can help you to beef from the zoning I can beef! Yes, it's beef brothers where each week we ask our palis to sort out a flat-share-based beef. And this one comes from someone in the audience, it is Douglas Horn. Douglas, are you there? Is it really a Douglas Horn? Do you know Douglas? Is it? No, yeah. Hey.

Hello, Douglas. Hello. Are you related? Is that your son? I might be, I've been seeing him for years. This beef's gonna be amazing. Well, this beef is amazing. There's beefs that'll be amazing. Well, beef is amazing. There's a reason we picked you, Douglas, because obviously you don't have a flatmate, but you've got your best friend. Yeah.

And you say, my best friend is a bit of a prick. Good on you. What should I do? And that seems fair enough, my best friend is a bit of a prick. So Ben and Alex, you are on the... You are on Douglas's side, and Tom and James, you are on the side of the best friend, but there's just enough time for a quick cross examination. Let's talk about it.

We have the Frossacute Alex's son in front of it. Yeah, love this. Yeah. So Douglass, why is he a bit of a prick? What does he do? Well, and he's a bit of a retard in front of him. Whoa! I don't know who brought you up, but you cannot use language like that.

Douglas, I'm not afraid to tell you all about your father. Great parenting job mate. Give me specifics without using any words that are probably going to offend everyone in the room. What kind of stuff does he do? He follows me everywhere. Is he a dog? No. Oh, dear. How long have you been friends with this guy?

Seven years. Seven years. And how old are you? 14. So half your life you spoke of this guy. Cut him loose. Wait, who's that? You're on his side.

OK. What's the nicest thing this guy's ever done for you? Has he bought you a birthday present? Yeah. What did he buy you? Well, he gave me five of that. He gave you a five of that? Freak.

Five pounds. Well, it's like, it's found through a 14-year-olds. A lot of money. Yeah, and you're a lot of money to me. A lot of money to me. Well, what did you buy for five pounds? Dug of sweets. Sweet?

Well, can't sweet sweets do you get? Harry Boos Nice The great thing about those is kids and grown-ups love them so Did you share your Harry by with your best friend? No Is he here today? No

He is So do you follow the food I'm going to eat? Douglas, what's the pretty name? Ben Ben, yeah Oh come on mate Sounds like a pretty name Ben. Douglas, what's the prick's name? Ben. Ben, yeah. Oh, come on mate. Sounds like a prick. Any other questions for your son?

What a time to tell you that he's not my son. I think there's genuine confusion out there and up here. Yes, I genuinely thought he was your son. Look at your son. Did you think of this Welsh? Yes. You're an out-of-a-well son, don't you racist? But also, I'm under 25, so it doesn't quite add up.

So, to begin the opening prosecution... You've got exactly, you've got a minute to defend your not-son. Yeah. Can I just clarify the rules, because I haven't... I was not even clarified. What are the rules? What are we doing? We're in court. You're in court, yes. I'm his lawyer. You're his lawyer, yes. Defending him, yes. You're on his side.

And what's he done wrong? It's his friends done something wrong by being... So you're basically attacking Ben. Allegedly. Allegedly. Okay. Well, how is it clear now? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, Alexorn, your minute begins now. Douglas has done nothing wrong. Douglas is the innocent victim in this. He's been stalked for literally half his life by this prick.

This rich prick then who hands five us out. We've all been given money by this guy. You can't buy him. He's there. I love you seeing him. His neck is like a really long thin neck, which gives you everyone the creeps and the Douglas. He's got like a withered consciousness. He's just so, he's so, he's so, he teaches all his friends words like retard and there are others. There are other words he rubs off on you, which is disgusting habit. And how long is

a minute again? Yeah. Oh, you've got 15 seconds. So in short, Douglas has come here tonight, defamed by Ben, and I'm still not entirely sure what I'm doing in this minute, what the rules are. But he's innocent. I like Ben. That is your time. That was perfectly done.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I loved about it. It was telling the entire audience, you had no idea what was going on. It's a very shrewd legal move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before we went on stage, you said, oh, Ben, did you fit at any point you don't know what's going on, just say you don't know what's going on.

I told you that when I found out you were on the other team as well, so. Oh, is it teams? It's teamers. It's a game, is it gameers? It's a gameers show. It's a gameers show. It's sort of like a sort of panel show game show, yeah, yeah. Like blockbusters.

It's like blockbusters, yeah, yeah, except there's no mascots and no bobbinness, so. Now these are buzzers for later on. Don't think they are. They see. I don't know. Okay, so I'm now gonna call upon James A. Castor, who is of course on Ben's side and against Douglas

to begin the case for the defence. Now, bear in mind, we genuinely thought this was Alex's son, we thought it'd was so much fun. Did you really? Yeah, and now it isn't, it's just mean. So here we go. Your minute starts now. I think, for honest, every single one of us at some point in our life

has been a bend. You find yourself in that situation and you try to be nice, you're giving five pounds maybe for their birthday, and they can spend that on whatever they like. They buy haribo, that was their choice and they still think you were prick. For something that they chose to buy for themselves. And by the way, no packet of haribo costs five pounds. You'd have changed, you'd have to do other stuff after that. You're going home.

You're the bend. And in your head, everything's fine. You have no idea your friend is on a podcast, calling you a prick, and the R. Five seconds. On National Internet. Thank you very much, James A. Castor. Five seconds on national internet Thank you very much James A. Castor

I understand now I understand how this works. I did. Do you want to go again? No, okay Very difficult. Thank you for mentioning that we are going out live on national internet So dogmas. How do you think it's going so far? Good. Well, let's see how you feel once Ben continues the case for the prosecution. Now, remember, you're on Douglass's side. I am. You're against the man Ben, but you're also Ben. Don't let that confuse you, Clarky. Well, because I know it may.

Your minute starts now. I like you, Douglass. And I don't like Ben. So we're going to get on fine. This guy sounds like a prick. I know they're kind who put money in your card. Just don't think about you as a person. What would you like?

If I'm meeting you for the first time today, I'd know to buy you a Harry bow. Yep, 14. That's what of the kids eat all the time. The fizzy ones, I've seen the adverse, I know which way's up. But I sympathize with this situation because my best friends are pricks as well. So.

I'd say if I could give you any advice, it would be to form a sketch group The defense rests. Fantastic work, they've been very clerk. Yes, that is your time So Tom, Tom, you're going to conclude the case for the defense. Are you going to be doing it as yourself? No, I'm going to be doing it in the style of a deep south defense lawyer from a John Grisham movie of a deep south defence lawyer from a John Grisham movie as Mr. Fanshaw Standard. Well Fanshaw Standard, and, indeed, providing, you have, as long as you like, to make the case for the defence. Ladies and gentlemen, after jury, we've been sent through a lot here today. A lot of them, their lawyers, their from the big city day.

They be using them big fancy words. Well, confused a lot of you right there. Had a bit of trouble following in myself. They try and confuse things. Don't they, with their fancy talk. We here, we simple folk here. Yeah, I see you there. So you've been trying to catch up I see you at the weekend queuing for the bakery Is here a small town

Baker it down baked goods Hell We're town where we talk loyalty. Yeah, that a big word of them dead lions ain't going through it yet. You're looking at legal dictionary, you ain't going to find no loyalty there son. Douglas, you come up here, I tell you a thing or two. My friend, Jackson, eight years old climbing the hills,

deep into the woods, bad come along. Yeah, bad come along, Jackson, he run for the trees. Fans show here, hell, he not born yesterday, lie on the ground. Jackson, dear, up to tree. Bear, walk up to me. What's the bear going to do? Kneels down, press if, kneeling bad. Whisper in my ear, Johan.

Wow, I would like to thank all both our teams for truly capturing the spirit of the courtroom. It's every bit as confusing and knowing and dull as the real thing. But of course, there's still the verdict to be given. So let's throw it open to our account of audience. If you think Alex and Ben and therefore Douglas is in the right, applaud now. Oh dear. Not even you Douglas. You may have lost them early on. Still time. It's my favourite, it was the one person who started, and probably can realise, no, what else was with them? Oh, of course. I thought it was not worth doing the next bubble,

we're going to do it anyway. If you think Acaster and Fanshore won the day, then applaud now. Whoah! No further questions, Your Honor. I'd like a recount. No, I just... Well, sorry about that, Douglas, turns out you're the printmates.

So there we go. So unfortunately, we haven't got time for the Quickfire round jingle this week. We've never got time for it, we play anyway. This week's no exception. Here it is. Please, please, please The Fire Ah Wow, excellent work. So of course as this is the quickfire round, it's a caravan based round, all the questions will be caravan based by So Tom and James has here. Here it is, the quick fire, I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more

I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more Oh, no. Well, that was the... Can I just... Did this cost money to get in? So all the questions in this quickfire round will be Caravan based, Tom and James, let's hear your buzzers. And Bennett Alex, let's hear yours. Here we go, here are the questions, and off we go.

Why was the previous de-stationary Caravan so happy at its new life on the road? It was moved. I'm going to give you a half a point, but that's not the actual answer I was looking for. It was because it was ecstatic. Ecstatic, sorry. Okay. That's kind of what it is. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't worry, the audience aren't on board either. Yeah, what type of caravan has never run anyone over? Clarke static caravan. No, it's a dodge. Which You can have a lot of knowledge of caravan. Yes, you do. Don't have to be on the Wikipedia page Caravan. But quite a time. Don't worry. These these are all pretty much the same for me now Which mobile home can you use to create electrostatic or play prog rock music? But quite a time. Don't worry, these are all pretty much the same formula now. Which mobile home can you use to create electrostatic or play prog rock music? A dodge? No, it's not a dodge.

I can't see the answer. You can see the answer, okay, fair enough. I can't see the answer. A caravan de graph generator. A caravan de graph generator is correct. Yes. What chicken dish is best served inside a mobile home? Cocker caravan.

Yes, cocker caravan, yes. What show is magazine is published inside a mobile home. Cock a caravan? Yes, Cock a caravan, yes. What show this magazine is published inside a mobile home? Cosmopolitan van? No, it's Cock a cosmopolitan van. Hello van? No, it's not a van. It is caravanity fair. What do you use if you want to get stains out of your mobile home?

Caravan? Caravanish is correct, Thomas. Yes, what do you use to make your mobile home look all glossy? Caravan. Caravanish, correct Thomas. Yes. What do you use to make your mobile home look all glossy? Caravanish correct a castor what action star shoots all his movies from within a mobile home I think it was actually hall new at that first caravan diesel. Oh, yes, but by point each Which famous artist only ever painted inside a mobile home? That was Tom caravan golf caravan golf any others? Caravan golf Yes that was Tom, Karavan Gough. Karavan Gough, any others? Karavan Gough. Yes, I get both correct answers.

I would also have accepted Karavan Gio, which famous Irish singer always performs inside of Mobile Home. Thomas. Karavan Morrison. Karavan Morrison, I would have also expected Karavan Udonal, which Mobile Home hunts and kills vampires. Hey, Gaster. Karavan Helsing.

Karavan Helsing. What American rock band only performing side of Mobile Home? Karavan Hayland. Karavan Hayland, hey, the name Gaster. Caravan Helsing. Caravan Helsing. What American rock band only performed inside a mobile home? Caravan Hainley. Caravan Hainley and A.Gaster correct. Which two mobile homes starred in the 1964 film Mary Poppins? Caravan Dike. A.G. It's a dick.

Caravan Dike. Yes. And I only heard Mary Poppins and then I went like that. I didn't know there was two of them. Julie. Julie Caravan Dries was the answer I was looking for. Now, my wife goes off to work every morning and every morning she asks me,

What are you going to do with your day, Matthew? I always say, I'm just going to do some work. Caravan King? Never. You've got me. You've got me. What mobile home is a retired Dutch footballer with a huge face? Caravan Percy Caravan, Hullet?

No. Rude van Caravan, Mr Roy. Rude van Caravan, Mr Roy, yes. And which mobile home co-starred alongside Horatio Sans in the movie Boat Trip? It was Caravan in junior, that's the end of the round. That is our time, those are our questions. But before we hear the final scores,

there was just time for plugs. Alex and James, anything to plug? Alex? Yeah, did I show you the final scores, there was just time for plugs Alex and James anything to plug Alex Yeah, did a show yesterday awesome had a go Well fine, yeah, yeah Hey cast to have at you nothing okay fair enough details of all our upcoming gigs to be found on the website Papi's company.com so producer Ben let's hear the final point to the end of that round. Ben and Alex have got seven. Tom and James have got 12. Oh!

So Ben and Alex are so caravane, they probably think this song is about them, but our winner-bakedos are of course James A. Castor and Tom Perry. Thanks to Alex, Lauren and James A. Castor. We've been Pappies, see you next time on Flash! Yes, Flanders! Pappies Flash, yes, Flanders. Vigiamafi, Crockett, Corkett, Toppile. Special guest Alex Horn and James A.C.A.

are supervised by Pappies who have produced a Ben Walker Big Facts Academy story. Everyone who came down to see the recording to Orange Park and the British Company going to the legendary Henry Winnickum. And all of them are coming to the Festival for having us. Pappies Flash, yes, Flanders. And it's a first production of the British company guide and the national internet. Cheers, everyone! Bye! Cheers!

Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!

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