Pappy's Flatshare - Series 6, Episode 9 (Put The Kettle On)

Episode Date: September 1, 2016

Matt Green and Sofie Hagen join the gang at the Leicester Comedy Festival for a kettle-themed show. Within you'll find totally terrific tea-bagging, kazoos a-plenty and a baby being bath bombed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Hi! It's time to start everyone! Yay! Just like that. What's going on here? Amazing. I'm going to get the gold! I'm going to get the gold! I'm going to get the gold! I'm going to get the gold! I'm going to get the gold! I'm going to get the gold! I'm going to get the gold!

I'm going to get the gold! I'm going to get the gold! I'm going to get the gold! I'm going to get the gold! I'm going to get the gold! I'm going to get the gold! I'm going to get the gold! You know what else called? It's cold, isn't it? That's the crowdwork over with her. Three. Hello, everybody. Welcome. We're Pappies.

And this is going to be a recording of our podcast, Flat Share, Slam Down. Someone's excited. Basically, the way this show normally starts is with what we're calling an unpopular sketch. We're going to try and do things slightly differently. Is we're going to kind of do the little intro to the show, but we're going to do it live in front of you guys,

and it should be hopefully a bit less painful. A bit like the introduction, I've just given it. Ready? OK. Tom, Ben, I'm calling a house meeting. What is it, Matthew? Yeah, Matthew. You little shit.

Yeah. It's the house meeting about the fact that the house is suddenly in Leicester. I mean, it's normally in London. No fact that the house is suddenly in Leicester When it's normally in London. No, I wish it were about that. I've made a huge error. I brought a house to Leicester No, it's actually I really want a car. It's a fine city. It's a gorgeous city, but it's not the city I choose to live in No I really do want a cup of tea. Can one of you do put the kettle on? I'm not gonna do it. Yeah I'm not gonna do it either. Well, there's only one way to settle this. We're going to have to have a Flash Esplanade! Flash Esplanade! Flash Esplanade! Flash Esplanade! Flash Esplanade! Flash Esplanade! Flash Esplanade!

Hello and welcome to Flash Esplanade. Absolutely correct Tom was way attitude there. I was harmonising. Well, you had to slam down. That wasn't bad actually. Yeah, well we'll dub that in afterwards. Hello and welcome to Flat-sheet slam down. The panel show that says, You're my love, you're my sweetest thing. Don't shy away. Don't shy away.

Every night and mix me hate the days, Can't get enough of your love Am I wrong? Am I so unkind? Show me the way, don't turn away I can hide all these thoughts in my mind Every moment I'm just thinking of you Ooh, ooh, ooh, I just a kettle bit Ooh, I kettle the pause

Ooh, I just a kettle bit You know what I'm looking for Ooh, I just a kettle bit, ooh, a kettle that pours, ooh, just a kettle bit, you know what I'm looking for, ooh, just a kettle bit, ooh, a kettle that pours, ooh, just a kettle bit, I'll give you a love. Let's meet the tenants, Tom Perry and Ben Clark. Hello! Hello, everyone. So just a kettle bit. Just a kettle bit, yeah. Kettle. You are very lucky, because up until this morning, it was kettle back, kettle, and give you everything.

Yeah, you have a dream, dove. So Ben, why don't you have the metal to put on the kettle? Well, I'm not going to put on the kettle, because last time I actually scolded myself really badly. I was like, what the fuck you do with your life? You're 34, I'm podcasting, he's a good job! LAUGHTER Well, that really cut to the quick actually.

Because I'm 36. Tom, why have you gone off the boil? I don't know how to work a kettle. When I approach a kettle, I realise I'm out of my element. Because kels have elements. They do indeed have elements. They do have elements. Right.

What do you think about that? Well, I think we know what we think about it, Tom. Obviously, you can't put the kettle on all by yourself. It's simply too dangerous. So, who have you brought along with you this week, Tom? Well, people of Leicester, incredible news, the Jamborees in trouble. Yeah, you're right. Apparently, we're not doing enough recycling. They said as a Jamboree, we're just not green enough. So, I invited along. I guarantee you. That little murmur is the best reaction the show is going to get.

That little murmur is the best reaction the show is going to get. I've really started to perspire because of that reaction. What we're faced with is an audience who don't really enjoy puns. Now, that's very much our kryptonite. Have we got a plan B for such a scenario? We have not got a plan B now. Oh no. Anyway, please welcome my greenest friend. It's Mr. Matt Green Welcome on board

Matt, it's wonderful to have you here. Thanks for What kind of a flatmate are you do you have good flatmates bad flatmates are you I'm quite strict flatmate I've lived with the same person for years and years and years now my wife So I don't call her good flatmates, bad flatmates? I'm quite strict flatmates. I've lived with the same person for years and years and years now, my wife. So I don't call her my flatmates. It will be weird. It's exactly where my mom really angry with her. But I've had loads of bad neighbors. I live in a flat where there's just loads of noise downstairs.

We had students who used to have very loud sex. That was a thing, which is. Ooh. Yeah. Deep. Problem. I mean, if your next sentence is, can I have a sleepover? No. very loud sex, that was a thing, which is... Ooh! Yeah. Problem! I mean... If your next sentence is cannabis leap over, no, no.

It's tricky though, isn't it? Loud sex, because for the first couple of times, is it a bit of a turn on? No. No. It might be right. I mean, it's one of... Oh my, it might be. When you say it might be, you mean, it is for me.

It's not what you mean. How's... Do you know our neighbors? I am your neighbor. Oh, oh, oh, recognize this. Imagine if that was the worst. Is that what you say during sex? Recognize this move. It's not a McCarmor suit, right? Ben, who have you brought along with you this week? I have brought along my very best friend. Oh, wow!

So, for you, so... So, for you, so... For you, so... Thank you. That's so nice. Did you know you were Ben's best friend? I thought he didn't like me. What? Because of what happened the first time we met. Okay let's talk about that. Go on what happened when you first

met I'd love to know. No no I thought you, Matthew and I were at the bar and Matthew were getting beer. Absolutely. Matthew's third. So this isn't real story I thought you were joking. No, no, no, no. I love this very nervous. None of us know how this story goes. See, we're at the bar. So Matthew said, oh, which one do you like? And I said, hmm, I don't know, I guess, Tom. He said, I meant the beer.

Ah! Oh, I am like a pimple for Tom and Ben. Which one of my boys do you like? Hinerkin or Karlsburg? I was like, oh, you get me at this count. Yeah, which one of my, oh dear. Well, you would have come like second. Thank you.

That's right there, Ash. That's what I say to all the girls. By the way, that's a real kick in the jaffers for me, Sophie. I'm right here, mate. So what kind of a flatmate are you, though, Sophie? What kind of a flatmate? I would live with me. Do you live with me?

I think I'm fun to live with, because I am fun if you follow all the rules that I have. And I'm really strict about them. So I make sure I'm the one finding the house and then asking people to move in so I can be like, but That were rules. What kind of rules do you do? Well, I don't want you to knock my door because I don't like that. So you're just on this to barge in? No

Down with that That's why you're the number one man No, you you send me a text and then I decide... What? This is an incredible system. Do you have flat walkie talkies? No, no, no, no, because that wouldn't be... No, no, no.

I'd be silent, so I can eventually, when I feel ready, to communicate with people I could... Oh, now I'm ready. No. That's a brilliant system. I almost threw someone out of my house because she broke the rules and she was knocking my door and I was like oh my god it says on the bed to see she was like no I just want to say hang out. No no no no no you're out. Get out. Do you want to do the whole show by text? Oh I would actually I would love that.

I would genuinely love that. Can I, oh just me. Can I everybody, yeah, show if he's going to take over it? That's a strong power move there. That's very good. That's good. You're not going to believe this Tom. I'm looking at my script here.

This is going to be a little blaster in the past. So we've met our contestants, but let's see which of them will be in their element. Because Kettles have elements. Oh, you see. As we play, round one. Yay! I don't want no green, I brew it up, the only gunpowder I've got is in my cup, hey no ass man, cuz I like assing, so say so long, it's so long ain't your bag, man I don't care if your car's not appealing

Just show some flair with the dots of a G-Lin And then you can join this Russian caravan of love If you say hey, do a great, come and join it, bruv It takes laps saying, Sue, Shen, to be in Hues gang Milk two sugars come sweet with me Your poly, let's get rally and we'll all have tea! Body put the guitar long, guitar long, guitar long, Body put the guitar long, guitar long,

Have tea, drink! I mean, we shot that at all! So round one is called tea bagging. It's exactly like the inevitable. It's exactly like the sexual practice of the same name only absolutely nothing like it. I'll be giving each contestant a series of words and phrases in which each word begins with a T, for example, Tom's triumph and testicles. They have one minute to describe these.

I've got a tattoo that says that. With an arrow. Yeah. A really long arrow. The tattoo's on my shoulder. Yeah, a really long arrow. The tattoo's on my shoulder. LAUGHTER Goes all the way down my body. So let's keep going halfway through. So you've got one minute to describe this to your partner without using any of the words from the phrase itself. Like I say, it's nothing like the sexual practice.

In fact, I'll be deducting points if anyone dangles their balls in the face of another contestant. I'm talking mainly to Clarky here. Tom, you can go first. Here are your keywords. What? Matt, you are guessing, and your minute starts now. Like a sweet Graham Taylor was described as this. It's like a... Turn it. Yes. Oh, this is like a frog, but it's bigger. Toad. But it's really hard. It's like Toad Toad.

Yes. This is, if you're're a school and the person in charge of your class teacher was telling you about the bird you eat on Christmas day using their mouth. Turkey teacher talking. Talking teacher turkey. Yeah, nearly. Another one. T-T talking turkey? Yes! And this is Ike's wife on a bike for two. Ike's wife. Yeah. Okay. It's T-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N- Oh, I like, okay, I was like, he David, anyway. Err... I didn't know that was a person. Err, Tina's tandem? Well, who's Tina Turner's tandem?

Yes! That is your time! Oh! Not bad, very good. Very good, very good. The audience knows you to think so. That was... That was your time and, I believe, you scored a whopping four points there, four points to

Matt and Tom! Oh! So much time wasted, thinking, what's the name of David? I'm not sure. Why would I know that? They all seem to know it. So Ben, your turn, Sophie, you're going to be guessing and your minute begins now.

He swings to the draw. Tazan. Yes. Kind of the d law. Yes. Can I have the think? Oh, sorry. Yes. Okay, when you go to a shop and get your suit fitted. Taylor, jump out without the arms. T-shirt. Yes. You? Yes. Second language. That's my excuse.

It's also a second language. It's like an armored vehicle, but a jump pack. Tank. Oh, tank. Taylor, tank. Taylor, tank, top. Yeah. A half-dick.

A half-dick. Taylor tank top. Yeah. How do you call them? How do you call them? Big Harry spiders. And they are scaring a... And Asian city. Taiwan. Another Asian citizen. Tokyo.

Yes, they're actually. And that is your time. Yeah, I believe you scored two points there. Two points to Ben and Sophie Still everything to play for you can redress the Davidite balance here mass Your time begins now sort of like a trumpet, but with a thing that goes from mode. Yeah People who are between 12 and 20 drunk? Oh, fair game. What?

What? Can we sprite that from the right there? Any chance we get in that out of the house? What? What was it? People between 12 and 20. People between 12 and 20, what are they? Teenagers.

Yeah, and they're a bit drunk. Tipsy Teenagers. Yeah, all right. So the game you play with, racquets and whimble them. I'm a fan of this. Yeah, and the things a bit drunk. Tipsy teenagers. Yeah, all right. So the game you play with, rackets at Wimbledon. Tennis. Yeah, and the things you wear in your thing that goes in a railway it's a kids A train yeah, but the kids the kids toy Thomas the tank engine and the thing in his mouth that can wiggle around

Tom's tank engines Tom Tom something that you did with it. I Yeah, very similar to that I'll give you a half a point for that. Thomas the tank edges time twisters But I mean that was right. We can all agree that was more uncomfortable than when the microphone broke right 30 seconds in that took a dodgy turn Thomas. I mean fair game doesn't even start with tea So if he here are yours and your minutes begins now. Okay, the disgusting part of your feet? The toes. The toenails. Yep, it's kind of a fish. It's tastes alright I think. Do you know? The other one. Come on! I have a drought. Yeah and when you can touch it and it laughs.

Tickling trouts. Yeah. Okay, it's like a boy band. It's a boy band. We just got back together with really hard lead singer. I'll take that. Yeah and then carry ball on the social media

and you do social media and you are we know he's not your taste look at me you're doing on social media once you're tweeting take that yes and oh two of these words

it's really, really good. Okay. I'm afraid that's your time. It's really, really good. It's really, really good. It's a perfect. Well, at the end of that round, how many points did each team score produce a bet? Bennett, Sophie, you've got five, and Tom and Matt have got seven and a half.

Yeah. So, Tom and Matt are our winners, but neither team is in hot water just yet. We're still gonna play round two and it's a flat game! Yeah! Yeah! Let's play together! Gaze! Let's play forever! Go the dice spin that thing, put that down!

Who's your toll? Gaze! Just get loose you can, nothing! Gaze! If you win you can, go! Go! Go! Go! Go! If you lose you get nothing, games! If you win you get goals, goals, goals! It's reached lester! And all that is a catchphrase that is travelling the nation!

It's in the Midlands. The Midlands. This week we are playing our version of Buckaroo that we're calling Buck Kazoo. Here's how we play. I'm going to give both teammates a song to play on the kazoo. Now they must play those songs at the same time as each other. Not only do they have to play their own tune, but they have to work out what their teammate is playing. With an extra point, if they can tell me what links the two songs. So, I am, is there a donkey involved at any point?

Apart from yourself, no. I'll be giving points for tunefulness, persistence, multitasking, raspberries, and... So there a go. This is hard. Keep playing so fast. And, stop! Wow! Big round of applause, Defer! I mean, why are you applauding exactly? Do you know what, mate?

I was applauding to spill an awkward silence as one of us suggesting that, because I had... I got written down in front of me. And still, I'm not a clue. Not a clue. So, we'll start with you, Benadix. What do you think? What do you think? Just go back...

Well, I saw you right now. do you think? Just go back and get it. I'm sorry right now. I know one of the souls. Yeah. Didn't say it, but you know. Suddenly you're having an aspirin, yeah. Um, whoa. I have no idea. Okay, Sophie, do you have any idea what men was playing?

I think we should just appreciate how brave I am for doing this when I'm not from here. Oh, don't play that card. None of us are from Leicester, mate. Yeah, that's going to say. Well, you're playing it in Danish. Was that the answer? Yeah, I knew one line of mine, and I just repeated that one line. Well, that might be the...

Can we snatch points? No. Otherwise, there Well that might be that way. Can we, do we snatch points? No. Otherwise there's going to be no points. So I think we have to allow you to. We think one of the songs was singing in the rain. OK. It's with lamb. With lamb.

So then. So then we're going to say that the link between the songs is water and Sophie's was something by wet wet wet. Oh I'm afraid I could only give you one point for that. It was in fact, let's hear singing in the rain again because that was Ben's version of singing the rain. A gorgeous rendition, but Sophie don't tell us what you were singing. Play it for us again. Because there's a good chance you still won't be able to steal that point.

Go on, give it a go. Oh, I know. I'm brilliant. Oh, I'm brilliant. It was I'm brilliant. Yeah, absolutely right. I was going to guess that. And I thought, oh, wait, no, I should have guessed it.

You should have guessed it. Fortune favors the boss. I'm also naturally that was exactly what I did before. Okay, so Tom and Matt, you're going to play a song together. Now, Matt, that's yours. Tom, that is yours. Do you know that song? Yeah.

Just about. Okay, that's a rote. Is it fair game? Or two little boys. What I like is the more cool backs we do, the less chance Ben producer has to edit that bit out. So, three, two, one, off you go! MUSIC MUSIC

MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC The eye contact that's going on with Tom here.

I've totally lost the tune. Stop, stop, stop for a second. That your team may regain his composure because by his own admission he totally lost the tune. I've phrased it so many times that I could have used it earlier on but it's refused to. Okay, you back in the game? Not really. That's the spirit. Three, two, one.

Off you go. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.

Huh. Huh. You can just call it there, because... Okay, I'll stop it there. Tom, do you have any idea what map was? No. I literally don't know. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was. I think it's good. I'll give you a chance to steal Clarkie. This is, I just really come out in a sweat now. You've got two very sweaty men

on Tom's team. Clarkie, what do you reckon? I think Tom's was, I do like to be beside the seaside. Yeah, absolutely great. What a point. Any idea what Matt was playing? No. Matt, let's hear a little bit of it. Okay. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I mean, that's all, like, I literally don't know that song very well. LAUGHTER I've got the same problem as Sophie, I like it. I'm going to throw it up into the audience, because again, I've got it written down.

Yeah. LAUGHTER Anyone in the audience... This isn't being recorded, is it? I think they know you haven't afraid it is. Anyone think they know what Matt was playing? Oh, fuck. It was, of course, club troper carner by, yeah. I think they know you haven't afraid it is. Anyone think they know what Matt was playing? Oh fuck. It was of course Club Tropicana by, yeah.

LAUGHTER By Wham! You see, and of course here's how it should have sound like Matt's taking away. Probably some, you'll all be fucking singing it like that. That's how it goes. Give us another blast of it. Oh, OK. MUSIC I don't know.

Okay, now to finish off, and this is, by the way, I had no idea we were playing this round. What a shit storm. This next bit's going to be, but to finish off, we're going to have a royal rumble. That's right, all four of you are going to play different songs. Let's see who can be the air. Oh wow, it's right, all four of you are going to play different songs. Let's see who can be the air. Oh, wow, it's right Thomas. Just give us the same song. We'll just all play it differently, doesn't it? So let's see who can be the first to work out what songs

the teams were playing and what links them. OK, does everyone have their songs? Everyone have their casus ready. I'd like you to begin in a one, a two, a one, two, three. Go. In a 1, a 2, a 1, 2, 3, go! Keep it going guys, keep it going. You're all leaving. And stop. Not bad, not bad at all.

Do you think there's a swarm of bees outside? What the fuck's going on in there? Was it the sound of a panic attack? Anyone on either team have any idea what anyone else was playing? I can't have guessed that might be the case. Anyone in the audience work out any of the songs? Fairy Cross the Mercy. Fairy Cross the Mercy?

Was anyone playing Fairy Cross the Mercy? Sorry mate, no, I can't have Fairy Cross the Mercy. Well, should we do them individually very quickly and then see if we can guess the link? Okay, yeah, Tom start with you. Go west, go west. It is go west, okay. I've got the link. Do you want it?

That is a bold only connect move. Can I write it down? I'll give you five points of it. Write it down as well, yeah, yeah. Write it down and give it to me and I'll give you five points of it. I'll give it to me and I'll give you five points of you, right? All right, Sophie's in. Are you in, Tom? Tom was drawn to penis on a bit of vacuum. Thank you, Tom.

Okay, Matt, let's hear yours. Okay. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Club drop a gun and drinks a free Fun and sunshine There's enough for a girl It is in fact uptown girl So you feel what were you playing? It's ballerro Ha ha ha ha ha It's very similar

Similar key B- B- B- B- B- B- B- Why fuck you guys? Ella, Ella I'll do the chorus. How could you not hear the chorus?

That was actually a very good version. Anyone in the audience know what that was? It was my way. Absolutely right. Correct. And finally, Clarky. BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! Downtown! Lovely stuff!

So, let's see, we had directions from Clarky. Yes, absolutely right. Five points, directions, directions. I was fairly easy. You said travel, no. So it's five points. Five points to each team there for getting that correct directions well done Produce a banner at the end of that round. What are the scores looking like? Ben and Sophie have 13 Tom and Matt have 14 and a half Well, that was absolutely cosoo-tiful Oh, well that was absolutely cosotiful!

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For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See you at for details. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her coast of free to add a lot for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance.

I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters for December 15th. Now, we're on to the next round and let's hope we don't have to kettle out of court. It's Beef Brothers! Well, if you've got a problem, don't call it a problem. Because you've got a problem, call it a bee. If you've got a bee, maybe we can help you,

a bee from the sorting out your bees. Yes, it's Beef Brothers, where each week we ask our panellers to sort out a flat share-based beef. And this one comes from Sam, who is in the audience. Sam, are you there? Sam.

Sam, I'm going to read out Sam's beef here. My boyfriend makes our baby's bath water, uber luxurious, using all of the bubble bath and tea lights. I don't get that sort of treatment. Says Sam, so Ben and Sophie, you're on the side of Sam and Tom and Matt, you're on the side of the boyfriend and indeed the baby. Before the KAA best dad in the world.

Well, yeah, that's conjecture. Before we begin, let's have a quick cross examination. Now, just Sam, can I ask, is the boyfriend here? The boyfriend's beside me, yes. And is the baby here? The baby's not, no. He's not in the bathroom. He's not in the bathroom. He's been in the red ox moment. Okay, baby. You're just having a red ox moment.

Okay, so what was the boyfriend's name, by the way? Paddy. I love you to have you here, Paddy. Any questions that start in the world? Yeah. Conjecture. Before we begin, let's have a quick cross examination. Any questions from either team, Sophie?

Yeah. How old is the baby? Because I'll say, if it's over 15... Fair game. fair game. Wow! I'm so sorry. Are you though? Remember that doesn't get you out of it, just saying...

The baby is six months. Six months, it's a proper little baby. And can I ask, did... Did... What? What are nine months but just not a little baby. And can I ask did, did, did, did, what? You have asked that. What in nine months, but just not a proper baby? Nah, six months of real baby. Oh, a proper little baby.

Did Paddy ever use to give you bath like that? Did he used to, when before the baby arrived? Yeah. Yeah. So he's just transferred it to the baby. Yeah. OK, makes sense. Using all of my fancy lof products and all sorts of things.

He uses like bath bombs and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a butter bomb that was on the side and it's bad. Wow, the box bomb debate. It's totally. That's a chunk to it. That does make it sound like a waterboarding, didn't it? Have you asked him to give you the sexy baths or has it been...

Can we not use sexy baths? No, we're not using the word sexy for the baths that Paddy's giving his baby. It's to look sureious. Look sureious baths. Have you mentioned this to him or is this... Are you bringing this up in public first? I've commented that Marigold seems to be having very luxurious time in the bathroom, but yeah, no, the hints haven't

really hit him. So this is the first time I'm coming to you, probably. Hang on, there's an argument. Paddy, what did you want to say about this? You thought it was praise. Oh, that's a very luxurious bath you're giving the baby. Yeah. Paddy, women are so hard to read, aren't they?

Absolutely right! Finally somebody is saying it, thank you, patty! What's the baby called by the way? Marigold. Oh, a proper little baby name. Any other questions? Does the baby seem to like care? Just generally. I'd say no.

Hopefully that's enough information for our teams to make their cases. So without further ado, I'm going to call up on Sophie Hagen to begin the case for the prosecution. You have exactly one minute. And I remember you are on Sam's side and your time starts now. Right. I think it's quite easy because, basically, Sam is a grown-up and it takes quite a long time to become a grown-up, depending on how old you are and that means... You can't fold that logic.

No, but that means she's been years and years and years in U, whereas what, six months really? You know, like you can do cherish what you have because that took a while to create, whereas you can make a new baby, right? It doesn't, it doesn't really, I think we're all agree on this one. I'm not saying, like, I'm not saying kill the baby, I'm just saying. I'm not saying kill the baby. Can I just say that he's on the baby, I'm just saying. I'm not saying kill the baby. Can I show that he's on the record? Yeah. It's just, you know, why doesn't remember this part of it's life, you know, most people don't remember anything

before they were 10, right? Is that normal, right? Five seconds. Right? Also, I think it's, yeah, you should be. I'm right. Perfect. Lovely.

Lovely. No one expected that to be the argument. I think we could all agree. Sophie Hagen there, really. Sophie Hagen. APPLAUSE Well, to begin the case for the defense, I'm now going to call upon Matt Green.

Your minute begins now. Well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, as far as I can tell, what's happening here is paddy is being accused of being a great dad. I think that's all that's. I don't really understand what the problem is here, because babies can't make a cool bath ac mae'n gweithio'r gweithio yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio yn gweithio.

Mae'n gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio yn gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio, mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r g that's the idea, isn't it, that he's enjoying it? Maybe he's enjoying the candles a bit too much as well,

but that's fine, that's his provocative to enjoy bar-times. It's a pretty boring thing, bathing a baby, I assume. So, you know, he's just, he's making it fun for the baby, make sure he's like himself and get another bathroom, that's what I'm saying. Don't give shit.

The old double bar-tree argument, Mac Green there. So Sam, how do you think it's going so far? Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio yn ymwch arad oeddwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r ysgwch aradwn i'r Can I buy them cars? And you're spending... Can I just say you're spending the charities? You are spending the charities money on bath bombs, is that what you're saying? Taxi-leaf poles, do everyone? Okay. Everything's a write-off, isn't it? So far, it's killed a baby against getting another bathroom, yeah. Just to...

Kate's somewhere in front of me. So one knows where to... how to vote at this stage, but that's fine because... because Clark is going to step into the fright. Clark, you're on the side of Sam, as you know. Of course. Was that news to you? No. And your minute to conclude the case for the prosecution begins now.

Poor Sam. Now, here's a lady who's essentially been abandoned by a husband. He used to run her baths, he used to mush up her food. LAUGHTER He used to warm her milk. LAUGHTER Can we strike that for the record? Can we strike that for the record, please?

Can we read that back? I'll read that back. That's been stronger than the record? Can we strike that for the record please? Can we read that back? No, that's been struck for the record, there's no. Poor, poor charatable Sam. Pop your baby in the shower. Mary Gold's not going to remember. She sounds very waterproof. Oh, God. He's got a boy. She sounds lovely.. Oh, gosh. Oh, god. He's got a point.

She sounds lovely. All I've said is... Oh, yeah. Oh, you like that pun? Five more seconds, Clarky. Throw in the baby out with the bath water. Oh, very strong. Very strong, close to the pool.

You're really good, baby. Wow. Okay. Well, to conclude the case for the defence, we have Tom defense we have Tom but Tommy you're gonna be doing it as Yourself this no I'm gonna be calling on my good friend who is a defense lawyer from the deep south of America from a I'll just say Tom clancy. It's not Tom clancy is John George. No from a Tom clancy spy novel. Oh really? From a George Grisham novel. John Grisham. John Grisham. John Grisham. We believe this by God's less successful brother. He writes less good novels. Yes. That is brother, but it does try. All the way from a George Grisham

novel. Here we go. It's Mr. Fanshore Standard. Fanshore Standard. and yes presiding and indeed providing your minutes if you need it begins now Ladies and gentlemen of the jury Mr. Fancy or stand and here providing and presiding over this here case Hell I've been looking around the room with you looking all confused at them damn big words Debin using over there, bath water. Baby, they be confusing us with jargon. There's ain't no case about no jargon. Hell, we don't understand no legal loopholes in Lester.

We are simple folk. Hell, one thing we do understand childhood. I look around the courtroom today. I remember some of you when you were knee high to a baby. That's not when you were as big as a baby. Hell, Jerry, I remember Jerry Dad crying in football practice. That's not when you were a baby. You were a baby. You were a baby. Yeah. Hell. Jerry, I remember Jerry Dad crying in football practice. Hell, we can all remember that feeling.

No one like that there football practice, not with Mr. Coach. The name of the coach. Mr. Coach. Hell, you remember. What I remember about Chardas coming home, papy on the porch, you remember. What I remember about charters coming home, papay on the porch, rocking chair, long day at the coin mill. Mill and damn coins.

The mince, the mince, what you're talking about, right? Chewing on his mint. Hell, papay never give me no damn damn bath. Look at him out, right? Chewing on his mint. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The simpler time, hell, crying out for them dear petty, put me into bath, sit me on his knee, slapping my thigh. No further questions. Oh wow! Wow, a fan sure stand in there. From the pain of George Grisham.

George Grisham is spinning in his grave right now. As always, I refuse to make any decisions of my own. That has to be the job of our Dave's Leicester Comedy Festival audience here at the Firebug, here in Leicester. For Dave's Leicester Comedy Festival, sponsored this year by Dave. The home of Whitty Banta,

and also the sponsors of the Leicester Comedy Festival, here in Leicester, brought to you by Dave. So, was that alright Adnan? Was that okay? Cheers. Just got to get the sponsors name out there, we said that. So what Dave's surname is? Grisha. For real. Incredible.

Dave Grisha. So if you think that Ben and Sophie and therefore Sam is in the right, I'd like you to applaud now. Strong, thank you, very vocal. But if you think Fansure and Max made the best case, applaud now. Oh, yeah. There we go.

I've heard a question, you're honest. Yeah. Yeah, that's a tie, isn't it? Straight down the middle this time, straight down the middle. Well, nearly time for a cuppa and let me tell you, I'm absolutely spitting feathers, which is a real shame, is there's still one short round and one very long jingle to go. It is the quick far round and let's hear that jingle.

This is the quick fire round. It's the round that goes really quickly. But here's the thing, the jingle takes so long. It's not a very quick jingle. It takes a long enough time to make a cup of tea. At least that's what we think. So tell me, Clarkie, how do you like your broom? And I should really know that by now.

Would you like one lump or two? I need to thank you. Oh, yes, that's right. You don't have any sugar because you're sweet enough, mate. Oh, that's fucking hot. And you sugar because you're sweet enough, mate Oh, that's fucking nice Yes, you're sweet enough, mate That's not it

What did I thought I'd look at? Okay, I'll live with you I'm not very good at tea I'm much more of an ideas man Like how about the idea of making a cup of tea as we sing the jingle It's a belt so you're all agree. Let's make tea and sing the jingle. What a cune. It's pronounced brew.

Anyway, milk is coming. You got to finish it. And so is the quick fire round. So have a good one and answer the questions quickly. Here it is, the quick fire stop playing. You're going to have to stop playing you're gonna have to stop me fire Not brood at all Well there we go the quick fire round jingle and I believe what Tom that was the first time that you actually got born of the jingle yourself by the words it's incredible now of course in this

quick fire round that's the worst cup of tea I've ever had we brooded for like eight seconds. It was rotten. But I tell you what, not rotten. And it's the cup of coffee we're now about to make. No, no, no. I'm only joking instead. Here it comes. The quick fire. Ah, still really hot.

I've burnt my tongue. And of course, in this quick fire round, all questions will be kettle based. But instead of buzzers, if you think you have the right answer, shout out your first name. Oh, even better. Yeah, let's do casoues, because I'll definitely be able to recognize who's casouing. Let's stick with the system we had.

So, just shout out your name. Ben and Sophie, let's hear that now. Ben. Softy. Lovely. Tom and Matt. Matt. Great.

Here are the questions off we go. Which Scottish singer loves kettles. Oh, Tom, the lead singer of tea, Ravis? I've got it. Rod Stewart. Rod Stewart, I'll give you a point for that. I was actually looking for Susan Boyle. Why were my fries wet?

Fries. Why were my fries wet? Oh, Ben. It's a very good answer from the audience there. Someone put them in the toilet. Oh, that's kettle chips. They were kettle chips. Absolutely right, Clarke.

You see, that's how it's played mate, you see. It's kettle related to the poster just any answer. You wouldn't think so, but that sort of seems to be the system we use. Anyway, what type of tea is very good at giving suggestions for family friendly films? Oh, PG tips. Tom is correct. Yes, PG tips. What type of tea is like a tropical cyclone which stops very quickly?

Typhoon. Typhoon. Typhoon. Typhoon. Typhoon. Typhoon. Typhoon. Typhoon. Typhoon. Typhoon. Yeah, tight, tight, yeah. It's points all round for that one, man. What? What boiling implement can be alleviated with a dock leaf? Oh, the very top.

It's a kettle stick. A kettle stick. It's not called that, is it? But yeah, I mean, go on. A stick in kettle is absolutely right. What weighty boiling implement is favoured by Iron Maiden, Aussie Osborne and Slayer. Tom Bedton. Heavy Kettle. Heavy Kettle is correct. What boiling implement can be sprinkled over a bed The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is,

The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is,

The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is,

The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, The title of the title is, Yes, John Kettles. It was John Kettles, yes. What boiling employment was also a coup brick film about the horrors of war? Oh, Tom. I'm gonna get this one, go on, yeah. For Kettle Jacket.

For Kettle Jacket is absolutely correct. What do you call a cowboy who illegally steals boiling implements? Sofaey. It's a... LAUGHTER You're really free, your team out of the bus there, mate. Go on, Ben, I'm gonna have to push you for an answer.

What do you call a cowboy who illegally steals boiling implement? Any idea? A kettle russet. A kettle russet was correct, Matt Green. Which boiling implement played Winston Wolfe in Pulp Fiction? Matt. Harvey Kettle. Harvey Kettle is correct.

And finally, which boiling implement is the favourite of Ringo Star? Charlie Watts and Phil Collins? Oh, the Tom Tom, Kettledruck. No, it's actually the EGL Copper Diamond Pyramid kettle with its diamond metallic finish. It's an elegant and efficient addition to any kitchen. Now, those are our questions. That is the end of the Quick Fire round, which means we have a winner. So producer Ben, while he's totting up the final scores, Is there anything that anyone wishes you think it's you guys? You've got a good feeling, yeah? You've got a good feeling the way you ace that last round. Have you got anything you would like to plug?

Bear in my head, talk. One point. So literally we're gonna give him an extra point for that because that's what we call a lovely bit of business, Clarkie. Sophie, do you have a website that people can find your gigs? I do have a website, I have several websites. Okay, talk us through them. Lads. I have mine which is so big and I can't but I also have if you guys like podcasts which I think you do, I have my own podcast.

Well they did before this podcast, I believe. I don't talk that much in it so you'll love it and it's called the Guilty Feminist but it's funny. And you have another podcast as well, don't talk that much in it, so you'll love it. And it's called the Guilty Feminist, but it's funny. You have another podcast as well, though. Oh, yeah, I also have my own podcast, but it's not as popular. And it's called the Comedians Telling Stuff, and you guys have been on it. We've been on it.

Yeah, it was good fun. Mac Green. Yes. Have you got a website where people say you? Yeah, I have the website, my website, is macgreen.org. Yeah. Is that a deliberate choice? No. Or Mac Green comedy on Twitter and all

the rest of it. Who's got Mac Green dot com? Some prick. Okay fair enough. So if you want to see Papeys we are not really gigging. So Papeys comedy for all our gigs, producer Ben, very exciting. Let's find out who with the winner Well, it's a bit of a monstering Ben and Sophie have 16 Tom and Matt are 25 and a half Record come on that is incredible so Sophie and Ben at the bottom of the catching wise Max and Tom gets a poor That boiling water into a tin bath in which I'll be sitting nude and ready for a scrubbing because I love bath nights Thanks to our guests Sophie. Hey, you're gonna Matt Green. We've been papi. See you next time on into a tin bath in which I'll be sitting nude and ready for a scrubbing because I love bath nights. Thanks to our guests Sophie, how are you gonna mat green? We've been Pappy, see you next time on Flashers!

Happy, Flashers! Flashers, land down, VG, Matthew, Groff, and Baked Bokins. On par with Special guest Sophie Aidan and Avery. It was to boxed by Pappy's with the G-to-Bed Walker, Big Blackstone, where we came down to the show to add down Armen. to be back. Yes! you