Pappy's Flatshare - Series 7, Episode 4 (Stained Carpet)

Episode Date: August 1, 2017

Josh Widdicombe and Joe Wilkinson are Pappy's guests in a show recorded in June 2015 which Producer Ben has been psyching himself up to edit ever since. It features the first ever live Quickfire Round jingle, a couple of good games and a vat full of white wine. Also watch out for evolutionary biologist Simon Watt making an impromptu appearance as a cricket-style 'runner', assisting one of the teams when the official house guest becomes somewhat debilitated! Simon was at the recording having earlier made a fully planned guest appearance on the Series 6, Episode 2 of Do The Right Thing (https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/dotherightthing/series6_2/), Producer Ben's other podcast. If you'd like to throw a bit of money at Flatshare Slamdown we'll be very grateful indeed and you can do so here: https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/flatshare_slamdown/donate/ Of course, any word-of-mouth help publicising the show in general is also brilliant - thanks! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at in that book. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters for December 15.

Greetings, listener dear. It is I, Tom. The only housemate in the flat at the moment. I'm just here to introduce this month's episode, which is a personal favor of mine, purely because it got so completely messy. It's a very drunken episode, so drunken, but you've been as weighted until now to try and wrangle it into shape. And before we get into the episode, I would just like to talk to you briefly about gold, gold, gold, not the catchphrase that is sweeping the country.

But actually, we just need to say that the jamboree is in a small bit of other. It just needs a little bit more financing. So what we're saying is if you enjoy flat-shear slam down, if you've enjoyed it for years, we put out we think 45 episodes and we're going to continue putting up so day, at least until the end of this year, if you enjoy the podcast, then feel free to donate and send us a bit of gold, gold, gold. We have an address, it is comedy.co.uk, forward slash pfs, forward slash donate. Thank you so much for your donation so far.

Right, I'm off to wrangle with this drunken episode and sort out the stain in the carpet. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Tom, Ben, which one of you is staying the carpet? Well, Matthew, you kept going on about having a stained window for this was more achievable. Why don't you just paint over it? You can't paint the carpet, Ben, you kept going on about having a stained window for this was more achievable. Why don't you just paint over it? You can't paint the carpet, Ben, you stupid fucker.

But, ah. You've got a point, Ben. You really are a stupid fuck. How about we pour white wine on it? Without only works, if it's a red wine stain, why is it? Red paint. So we should put white paint on it. Ben, I swear to God, right,

one of you has got to clean this carpet. Well, I'm not going to do it. It doesn't deserve the red carpet treatment. I'm not going to do it because you've hurt my feelings. Well, does anyone want got to clean this carpet. Well, I'm not going to do it. It doesn't deserve the red carpet treatment. I'm not going to do it because you've hurt my feelings. Well, as anyone will settle this, we're going to have to have a... Flash air slander!

CHEERING CHEERING CHEERING We love it! CHEERING CHEERING Oh, yeah! Hello, and welcome to Flash air sl Down, the panel show that says,

To the one on the flam, buoyant temper, just ask that ham in the frying pan, Like spam, get done when I come in slam, damn I feel like the son of Sam, Don't make me wreck shit, head ticket to the chair, get me go in like general electric, Ah, the lights are thinking, thinking, it's so lovable when I go wild drinking, Oh, make it my manslow, that's why I don't fuck with a big four, oh bro, The lights are thinking and thinking it's so lovable when I go while drinking oh making my man's love That's why I don't fuck with a big four oh bro. I gotta maintain because a carpet like me is going insane In staying in the membrane In staying in the brain

In staying in the membrane In staying in the brain In staying in the membrane Carpet stain got no brain In staying in the membrane carpet stain got no brain Instain in the membrane I'm the host of landlord Matthew prospeed while they're under my They'll be following my rules Let's beat my tenants Tom Perry and Ben Clark

So Tom oh Why why why are you being such a pain when it comes to removing the stain Matthew? Let me me tell you, I'm not going to get that stain out of the car, because it reminds me of being back at school these terrible drama lessons that we used to have. Now my old drama teacher, Mr Diesel, I believe he went on to become a famous actor. Mr Diesel, he was a terrible drama teacher. He had an obsession with the Simpsons and he would waste entire lessons just making us re-enact famous catchphrases from his favourite show. I can still remember the day that for a whole hour we had to do one of Homer's most popular

catchphrases and oh let me tell you it was a sustained class of vina... Doh! Is that supposed to be stained glass window? Yeah, let me go, let me just go from there again. Sustained class window? The theme is getting a stain out of the carpet mate. What has that got to do with anything? It's got the woodstain in it, oh my gosh. Oh, man. LAUGHTER

Ben, why are you abstaining from cleaning the carpet? OK, is that your pun? No. I used to have a company where people who didn't have six packs and were a little overweight could get a stencil and spray paint a six pack onto themselves. That's right, it was called abstained. Oh yeah, that was good. Are you not entertained?

So, oh, to you. By the way, true fact, if you have an down there going, no, dab it, dab it, no, you're making it worse. So who have you brought along to do that this week, Thomas? Oh, well. Huge times of the Jamboree, everyone! Yes! Yes.

We are having a... Theaster. The Jamboree. She's causing all kinds of confusions. And... And to lead the Marriotti band, it's the one and only, Josh, winner-come everyone! Hello. So Josh, you're here to lead the Marriotti band apparently?

Yeah, there wasn't what I was briefed on before. You're messy, flatmate, you often have to remove stains from carpets. I couldn't... Can I go back to the marry, actually? You said, have you got an anecdote about a stain, and I still haven't? I've been thinking for 20 minutes now. I'll be honest, I should have nipped it in the bud before you asked. You actually, because we were at a wedding, a couple of weeks ago. Oh, yeah, I do, honest, I should have nipped it in the bud before you asked. You actually, because we were a wedding a couple of weeks ago.

And you knocked over a glass, entire glass of red wine onto your girl's dress. And you stepped back to apologise and knocked entire glass of red wine over to me. No, I know. The two people I love the most. I know. And you were there as well. Yeah, your girlfriend and Red Wine. Yeah. And then, well, we might as well complete the story. Matthew fed a sleep in the toilet for an hour.

And then you woke up and asked the best man where you were because you thought you were at an after party and coven god? Yeah, well, I see. Oh, you were on a nice night. Anyway, er... I actually, I got home and then I got a phone call from the groom saying... Cheers for ruining my big day. He said, er, hello, Matthew. I am 95% sure that I've got your glasses.

He did. He did. I had to go over and see you in a couple the next day. Ah! I'm getting ready for their honeymoon. They were in Las Vegas, weren't they? LAUGHTER So, Clarky, who have you brought along? and see the couple the next day. Okay, ready for their honeymoon. They were in Las Vegas, weren't they? So, Clarky, who have you brought along? I have brought over my good pal and loan shark. Joe Wilkinson!

Joe Wilkinson! Now, Joe, a couple of key things. Firstly, you don't know what's going on. Secondly, Ben Drake in all day. Okay, all right. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Joe, are you a good flat mate?

Am I a decent human to enjoy a home with. Yeah, if you want to rephrase the question. Yeah, to make it sound worthy or robotic. Yeah, I am a decent human to share a home with. You're a great conversationist, I'll say that once. There's no dull evenings, let's fill that one. Why dull you mean sober? Yeah, no, I'm smashing

Do mean do mean smashed You say patata Well nobody says that well, yes. I do, I'm hammered. We may have to play round one, so let's just... I'm not ready for round one. Okay, well... Joe has proved it, just like Estadies, incredibly stubborn. How fucking day.

Yeah, just like Estadies, we won't remove him just yet. Good work, I'll be. You will, I bet you will. Because we do need to play round one! I feel sick. There's piss stains on my paint Where I shed upon the door This just stain's on the ceiling Cause I've been thinking about you My soul has stained my life's mess I can't live without you I don't want you been doing this has really got to stop I've only been gone an hour I just popped to the shore There we go

Lovely vocal work from Clarky then, our boy can really sing So round one is Car Pet Deam In each team member has to get their teammate to guess a type of vehicle, that's the car, being driven by a famous Jordi, that's the pet, on a certain day, Deam. And they must do it all in a flawless Jordi accent. So, for example, can you... Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

The second is that, it's better than swaying back and forth. Can't do that. What example, can you... Oh my god! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I think it is better than swaying back then. Oh, I can't do that. Can you... Can you... What? No, that's Welsh, that's Welsh. Oh, yay, man. What example, can you be a tea-bake guest?

There's Jimmy Neal in the Batmobile on Easter Sunday's. Points, as always, for the best accent, and by best, I think we have to mean least offensive to our friends in the North East, so it's YA the Lads, Howeer and Yeno... Fuck on the time. So Tom, we've given you your vehicle, your Jordi and your day for Josh to guess. So Josh, see me, he's guess, who Tom is trying to be in which vehicle at a wattage? It's gonna be okay. It's...

Whoa! Morty man! Don't worry, I'm coming to Serbia! I got a fish in the rod and a chicken! I'm driving! I'm coming to Serbia, Morty, in the region! I've got the person. And I've been a fan for the kidneys, they're really scared!

Oh, yeah! It's all we're gonna go for in the ice I'm fine. But they're terrifying in this minibus. Oh, and I've lit loads of candles for some cows. I think all Nordon, it's everything's light. Oh, Morty, I'm going to get you with loads of candles. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop Do you think that's what he's most famous for? LAUGHTER No, but I've got it. Yeah, okay, all right. Who do you think he's going to be?

No, I haven't got the day. Well, let's see how much you've got and we'll see if we can get the day in a second. Okay, it's Paul Gascon. Yes. The child catchers van, is it? He's not the child catchers van! Two more to go.

I think we've got a different van full of children. Oh, the children are in a bus. Yeah, but kind of like, that's more fun. Oh, it's like on the telly, the playbass. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. Why are they all scared? What the hell is that?

Because we're going to see Morty. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Anyway, how are we? The way for all the candles and the people on the subconductors who are celebrating light today. Hey, man. What? I think I'm fasting.

You're fasting. Fast on the time. Oh my God. Is it the end of Ramadan? Nearly me. That's... What? Nearly me.

I've got the same... I've got the same... What the end of Ramadan? Is it the Vali? Yes. So that is two points to Josh. One point to Ben. I'd say nearly is.

Tip towing towards racism. Yes. Is the Vali yes, so that is two points to Josh, one point to Ben. I'd say nearly is. Tip towing towards racism. Yes. So now Ben is going to be a Jordi in a vehicle on a certain day. You have to guess which Jordi he is. Which vehicle it is and which day. Oh, don't, oh, Tom. What?

You remember when Josh and Tom were playing, eh? I don't know if he does. I'll be honest with you. I had no idea. Oh, and that's not even a joke. I was like, are they still happy? Is it too late to get Rufus hound back? What do I have to do? You have to guess. You have to guess them shit. That's how we do the three things.

It's a Jordy, a vehicle, and a day. You have to guess. You just have to guess some shit. Bloody hell. That's how we do the 3 things. It's a Jordi, a vehicle and a day. Oh, so I have to guess those 3 things. Oh yeah! Oh wow! Okay. That's one point of Joe's team just forgetting the round, I think. Go on in.

Or nore. I'm a Jordi. No shit. But I don't normally sound like one. That was all right with it. Got surprised by myself there. Well done mate. That means both of your team are surprised by what's going on.

Oh, I mean a cat that can only move if I run in it. It's made out of rocks. I'm on my way to a field of gold in my car made a rocks. You need to tell Ben the fucking... I'm gonna... I'm gonna slay a dragon. I'm gonna slay a dragon in a field of gold in the car made a rocks. We got it.

Well, I'm gonna have to pressure you. Do you have any of the three answers? If not, I'm gonna pass it to the other team. I'm gonna fill the dragons. No. I'm gonna have to pressure you Joe. Do you have any of the three answers if not I'm gonna pass it to the other team? I'm gonna fill the dragons. No I'm gonna feel the gold you said dragons. No, I'm gonna feel the gold and I'm gonna go on slayer dragon So I'm team mate I'm going over to the other team. Oh my god. Tom and Josh do you know? We think it's sting in the Flintstones car on Sir George's day three. Oh Do you think you know we think it's sting in the Flintstones car on Sir George's day three

Show works Joseph We're going back to Tom and to Josh now it's Josh's turn to get the clues and you'll be pleased to hear that his pet is not gonna be a Jordi But an animal instead, okay, so it's an animal in a vehicle on a certain day. But you do this, you still have to do it all in a Jordi accent. I can't do accents. I can't do accents, but I genuinely get quite freaked out try. Give us a little, give us a little try. Give us a little try. Come on mate, deserve your money.

We're getting 20 quid's joe. I'm telling them, again, deserve you money. I can't do accents. Oh god, okay. Why I? I can't do anything else. How have I made this racist? Okay, I am in the sea and I expand, like...

Yep, it's a podcast. I'll explain it, he's puffing himself up. I'll wrap it much like a bitch. Yeah, I'm happy to help. OK, and I'm in a car, famously driven by a guy who likes his drinks. Shaken but not stirred. Why, I've got to get back in the accent area. I've felt like I lost the accent there, it's a bit awkward.

LAUGHTER I've found like a lost the accent there, it's a bit awkward. I think it's the time when the sun's the biggest. The pagans like it. So does my Galievis. Are you a blowfish in an astid martin? Oh, someone's astid martin. In James Bond's astid martin. Yes. On the summer equinox. It James Bond's at the summer equinox. On the summer equinox. Ah, summer, solstice. Correct.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Uh, Joe's turn now. I can't say this. This is fucking progress. He is your vehicle animal and day for Ben to have a stab at. I genuinely don't know what to do. What'd you mean? Don't show it to him. Don't show it to him.

Don't show it to him. The thing is though, you can show it to him. And they could do it back to Joan. He still wouldn't know the answer. Give it a go mate. The character I'm basing is a Jordy that spent the majority of his life in Bromley. The first bit I can't focus on. And it's a car. And the third bit is...

Tom, don't lose confidence. This is the first time I've seen Tom get upset because someone else is derating the show. The car is shiny. Oh my god, this is like a primary school exercise. I'm sorry, you failed key stage one. Oh, not again. I'm not bloody smash. I'm going to do it, all right. Oh, we're in, man.

I'm like a llama, but I'm not quite like a llama, and I'm going to go all the way with my little geofox and Dr Brown to a deer that only happens every four years and if you're if you're if you're gone to a packer in the DeLorean on a leap year Three points to me Jamie, you should have told me that's what you have to do I gots Is there an argument for Joe to host the show?

Yes, there is! Oh, no! Fucking way. Just a suggestion. Can I get a why? I'll tell you what, do you want to take a 40 minute piss break? Because the show would go way faster. Ben, what were the scores at the end of that round?

The scores are the Ben and Joe are five, Tom and Josh are eight and a half. Oh! That's so good. So, Tom and Josh the end of that round? The scores are the Ben and Jo are five, Tom and Josh are eight and a half. Oh! That's lovely. So, Tom and Josh were winners in that round, but either team could still spend the night on their knees. But of course that's unrelated to the show. Let's play round two, it's flat games. Yay!

Let's play together, games! Let's play forever. Roll the dice, spin that thing put that dead Who is your toll game? If you lose you can't not win games if you win you can go Go go go go go go Listen to that Josh Oh, that's the sign of Siri 6

That is Siri 6 babe Watch that big Hey Can I get a click boy? What the sign of Siri 6? That is Siri 6, babe! Watch happening! Yeah! Can I get a click? Why? This week we are playing... Can I niche to the bar? You could nip to the bar if you like, but don't come back. What's Joe doing?

Is he left? Fuck me. Is there anyone in the audience who fans is taking this place? We will be breathalyzing you before you... ...silly, silly, silly. Please welcome Simon to the stage. So, you've been replaced by Simon. I think you know like he cricket when someone gets injured they have a runner. Simon could kind of be Joe's runner.

Yeah, that's a good call. Hello, Simon. Just saying no to us. Why is Simon here? Simon's been there since the start. It's happening again. You arrived with him. I'm married to Simon.

This week we are playing our version of Pinn the Tale on the Donkey. Now usually what we do is a very labored pun on the original game. Not this week. Now we've moved labored pun on the original game not this week no we've moved so far away from the original name it's called a pun will be an insult to what's already regarded as the lowest form of comedy so this week instead of pin the tail on the donkey our game is pen the tail with the onesy yes I won't tell you who came up with the round name it would be unfair on Tom oh on, on her.

Here's how we play each team has to tell a story, one word at a time, for a minute. What is the story? They have to tell, well that is up to the opposing team. So we'll start, I think, with Josh and Tom. Can I ask you to be up to one of the members of the opposing team? So Josh and Tom, you're going to start, Ben, Joe and Simon, what title would you like to give? I was going to go for the dangers of alcohol.

LAUGHTER How dare you. LAUGHTER OK, that's fine. The dangers of alcoholism. Your minute to tell the story starts... Do you want to go first or second? I'll go first.

OK. That's teamwork. LAUGHTER The dangers of alcoholism and your story, your minute begins now. Joe, use to be a very big star on Delhi and a stage and screen and the night sky until he went to the wine cellar and emptied the content is to his hairy gullet. He was very sorry about everything. But donated all is. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes.

Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to freedom at a lot for her. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's a like theaters, December 15th. ACAS powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend.

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Batch! Fade to... Josh! That's your time! Well done! I think I'm gonna give... 8 points there to... ...to Josh and Tom.

Fantastic story. Now, obviously, you're in a disadvantage because... Well, you've got two disadvantages. You've got Joe. It's the first one, and he also got three of you. Okay, so Simon, Joe and Ben, you're gonna tell a story one word at a time. And the story is gonna be called... It's gonna be called the downfall of Britain's top entertainer. I'm going up. All right, folks, your minute begins now.

Today I witnessed some horrible things. Before I... Wait. Two. I... Podcast. And... Can I say, shout myself? If it's high for ladies, yes you can. And can I say, shout myself?

If it's hyphenated, you should get out. It says hyphenated. In front of... You are. I shall... I shall myself the Colour of a Shamp. That's the time, man. That wasn't a bad story, actually. I time! That was a bad story actually. That was a bad story by the way.

Real twist, then. That one saw Cardiff Street being one word. It's Cardiff Street. So that was seven points there. Two or three amigos, Ben, Joe and Simon. And Simon, the piece of shit. Well they got eight. There's one, Trigger, our chat.

I know one. You didn't have to go method on the story. LAUGHTER You're like my man. Thank you. LAUGHTER Oh, my God. What the scores are they in the round? OK, this goes. 13, 16 and a half.

Ho-to. Ho-to. Ho-to. Am I winning? No. You're a fucker. Well, I'll carpet maybe stay in, but our curtains are pristine, and that is because they're made of beef. It's beef brothers. CHEERING That is beef.

You've got a problem, not calling a problem. You've got a problem, you've got a problem. Call a new. You've got a beef. Maybe we can help you a beef from the sunny, mega beef. Yes, it's beef brothers, where each week we ask our palis to sort out a flat share based beef and this week one comes from Beth in the audience, Beth, are you there? I am. Hi Beth.

Hi Beth. Here is the nature of her problem slash beef. Now summer is approaching. My offensively fit, Malaukan housemate is wearing less and less clothes, his tiny shorts clearly display his pants and he cooks shirtless, which seems deeply unhygienic. It mildly disgusts me, but I don't know how to politely tell him to put his nipples away. Ben, Jo, you are on the side of Beth, whereas Tom and Josh, you're on the side

of the offensively fit housemate. But as the Roman check off the crucifix before our Lord Jesus Christ was nailed for our sins, what's memory-said, let's first have a cross examination. LAUGHTER So, lovely business. Lovely business there. So, what do you want to ask Beth about her

offensively fit housemates? So you're attracted to your housemate who cooks shirtless. I'm not attracted to him. As I say, it makes me feel slightly honest. But you said you're not. I was just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just,

I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just I think this is a question to walk. I guess. Oh! Just deal with me. I guess. Seth, are you single? Yes. Yes. Are you single? Yes. Are you protesting too much?

I believe that's conjecture. You would believe that to your argument. What does he cook when he's shirtless? He's a health nut, so it's all like... Healthy nuts. Healthy nuts. As you've got healthy nuts. Can you see he's healthy nut through shorts?

I wish I couldn't put my almost can and it's horrible. Oh, the shorts, I'm picturing cut off denim. No, they're more like the 70s ones. They go all the way up his hips. Oh, and they aren't harsh at all. You can see us. Can I just say that my shorts go all the way up your hips? LAUGHTER

I just can't ask how you ended up living with them. Through friends. Like, we all go to music units. TV series. We all go to music units, so we're all going to our side. We all go to music, you need so we're all going to. Music, you need. Wow. It's like, favorite.

We've all seen it. We've all seen it. Fame can do it for people, haven't we? You can't get a little weed. Simon, do you have any questions for Beth? God, big guy. Go on. Probably.

No. Is it a bad thing? I suppose. Is it it a bad thing? I suppose. Is it actually a bad thing? It's quite upsetting because I'm quite particular about... Are you scared like? Is it a temptation thing? No, it's... He's shirtless in the kitchen and that's... Just bite him.

That's not so... Simon! That is conjecture. That's a great idea. If you can't beat him, bite him. Am I trying it? Can I ask you a question? How in any way is it unhygienic? Unless he's stirring it with his nipple.

Well, I don't have a nipple. If I'm wearing a t-shirt, that's not more hygienic when I'm cooking baked beans or whatever than... If I'm not... I'll show you a cook I should have. Have you ever cooked to the table? Yeah when I'm cooking baked beans or whatever than if I'm not sure I should cook I should have you ever cooked Yeah, I'm sure you never A Yeah I'm happy I was talking. You think I'm happy, I'm happy. I'm happy, I'm happy. He did a walk. Yeah, I couldn't.

I shouldn't have let him stay. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.

I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.

I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. Oh, man, Matt has moved and it all. The reason you're so confident is because of all the empty wine glass in front of you, Joe. There's only sex, you prick. I think who doesn't drink and it wins them. Right, come on. Drinking too, forget.

Drinking too, forget. Joe, Joe, you need to remember because you're up first. So, what do we not first? Oh, Christ. I mean, we don't have read that first? Oh, right. Oh, oh, oh. I mean, we'd have to put out every episode, do we, Ben? LAUGHTER Just tell Joey needs to talk for a minute, and then we'll be fine.

Oh, dammit, Ben, Ben, why don't you mean you get off from... Minute, and then... That's not good. LAUGHTER I'll tell you what, Simon, do you think you could begin the case for the prosecution for a minute? I thought you were that. So the prosecution is to make and put on clues?

Okay, so move it. It's Beth, you're on her side, her effectively fit housemate who you're against, and you have a minute. Do you think you can do it? Barely, yeah. Okay, we're going to start your minute at Joe and Simon, do your best case of... For your... Your own best side. Yeah, for what? It's like a court case, right?

For what? One word at a time for a minute. Okay, here we go. One word at a time. Did you mean one word at a time? Okay, and your time begins now. The. Er, er, er, miss...

Missupeo. That was a bit left wing. Left winged. fuck you guys. You're about to say it. You're about to say it for a voice, yeah? You have them. Oh, I've got a fucking lighted by face. This is stressful.

30 seconds left. How? No, you're all that. You keep saying 30 seconds. That won't change the time, mate. If anything, it's just to be special, mate. Simon here is a perfect, nice man who doesn't need your shit. LAUGHTER

I'm a second-factor. Anyone you want to add some? No, we will. No, you're right on mate. Yeah, you've had enough as Eric. That's your time. There we go. That was a minute. So, too, you're so in to... Yes, so it loved it, so to... So to say that it can't say love in this world.

Begin the case for the defence, we have Josh, who is... It's going to be difficult to argue against. Yeah. Can you be slightly less left wing than that? Off you go. I don't think there's any problem with cooking topless in fact if anything I think he should be cooking in the nude. He's clearly got a hot body and everyone should appreciate that. We're all part of God's great tapestry.

And to be honest at last I've got this platform to talk about. Now, I think if anything clothing is unhygienic, it traps in bio things. And you don't know what every's cooking is hot nuts or whatever. What is it? Healthy nuts, healthy nuts. But if he had hot nuts, he'd just take his shorts off. Three seconds. Nuts. Absolutely lovely stuff there.

And I've got it in the script, so I'm going to ask it. How do you think it's going so far? How's it going so far? Do you want me to answer honestly? Yes, yes, please? Well, I'm slightly disappointed to be honest. I was hoping for some backup But you know what that's a solid point. I can't Rich tapestry. Yes The rich tapestry is a great way to Very, very solid. Okay, so now we throw over to the second prosecution

Which is the greatest mind out of those three. I thought it was. It's not you, mate. I'll thank you for that. You're a bit sober. Okay. You did really well. Thank you.

It's Clarky. Hello. You're going to continue the case. Well, yeah, there's a lot to pick up from. Yeah, it is. And you have exactly one minute to continue the case for the prosecution. Your time starts. Thank you have exactly one minute to continue the case for the prosecution. Your time starts. Thank you Joe. You don't need to applaud. It's time. I think Ben could

fill the time without you making noises. Your time starts. Now! Well, as Joe said. Thank you. You know, cooking topless. Oh, no. I'm on the other side. It's disgusting. Why are you drunk? It's like, it's like those, oh, I just imagine your house, like those bloody, disgusting clubs where that Japanese businessmen go to eat sushi off naked ladies. That's what I imagine is going on there. He's cooking, I mean you wouldn't cook sushi. He's falling down straight away. But I imagine he's covering his...

He's doing his stuff and up the rice. Bro, there we go! As Tony said, he's softening up rice. Back up brother. He's softening up rice for his hard body. That's your time. There is your time. God.

Now Tom, never has there been a more open playing theme. That's your time. There is your time. Oh god. Now Tom, never has there been a more open playing field for you to make your new taste about, mate, softly got rice for his hard body. What's up with Liv Pong? Can I ask, are you going to be doing it as yourself this week? No, I'm going to be doing it in the style of my deep south defence lawyer from a John Grisham film Mr. Fanchoor standards. Fanchoor standing, presiding and deep providing you have as much time as you would like because the rest of this is going to be editing out so we need to be fucked around. It's a good job mate. I thought you did a good job mate.

You were very good. I thought I'd earn my 20 quid. In fact there you go. Ten of it's gone silent. I I'm 90 pounds worth of booze. Don't it, show it. And that's just in wait. Fans you're standing, presiding and in deep-providing, your time begins now. Ladies and gentlemen, after jury. Hill, I guess if you're a lot like me,

we heard a lot of strange words from that dead offense over dead. They'd be talking about complicated notions, huh? Kind of baffling, eh? We hear we be simple folks, huh? We be local people, hell, ain't ever cross the countin' line. I don't know about you, sir.

Your holiday last year saw the photos. We don't know about them, their folks, from over dead. My y'all, Kerr, what is that? Where is that place? Strange places, strange folks. We got them over here. They tend to our gardens. We see them. Oh, God, how is Joe going to win this? Different cultures, different way of life. Now, I don't mind telling you, but my garden gun and he be a damn fine specimen. Cuts to grass there, boy betopolis, still tipping my Christmas.

Hell, pay him twice a month. Different way of life, then, though I don't, I don't pretend to have ever taken my shirt off, not even on my wedding night. Old times, different beaks, foreigners. But they play a part. My good friend said it last rich tapestry. The defense friend, Johanna. The defense friend, Johanna.

Well, Josh and the fans sure they're the lone, sane voices. In an otherwise shit stormer will be brought this tonight. Well, just like Pontius Pilots, when presented with our Lord Jesus Christ for Crucifixion, I throw this decision to the people, the responsibility weighs heavy on the heads of our live Phoenix audience. Is that what Pontius Pilate does? Yes, let's just hope they don't accidentally hear. We're laughing and learning together, except we're not laughing.

Let's hope that it'll accidentally free the rebel and murder of Barabbas. So the assembled audience, if you think Joe and Ben Ben and therefore Beth is in the right, applaud now. But if you think Josh and Fanosha won the day, applaud now. That is clearly a landslide victory to Josh and Fanosha there. I'm sorry Beth, how do you think it went? You know what, he already fancies himself, so I'm not surprised you all do as well. Oh, very good.

To right mate, to right. Well, it's nearly time for us to say... Why'd you meet nearly? He's absolutely here. Well, no, it's not mate because you've not heard the show before but this... LAUGHTER This bit really is the very meat of the equation. A quick fire round jingle.

Now, very exciting. This week, we're going to do a live quick fire round jingle. Oh, I'm back to you. Wow. So off we go. This is the quick fire round. It's the round that goes really quickly. What we do is we normally pre-record this bit But this week we're doing it live because we run out of time It's gonna be a shit store

I wish I could say we'd planned it, but we really did know. Anyway, this is what it's normally like. Just me and Ben sat in his front room doing this for about five minutes. This is a job. We don't know how to finish and produce a bed looks, leave it. So maybe we better get on with it. Let's start it soon.

You see, it's hard to come to an end. For example, I'm doing this bit again. Oh, that's a shame. And this bit goes on for this bit It's stuck now Yeah, so this time we will definitely finish So get ready, Ben Here it comes at the end, just as soon as I do this bit.

I'm so sorry I did this bit. It's the bit. Time to get on with the quick fire. Wow. fire Okay, of course in the quick fire rounds Oh, I enjoyed that actually we interrupt him every time I quite liked being interrupted there Oh! It's pretty strange

Having Matthew be a part of it Joe has been banned from drinking for two So let's get right on with the end of the show, the quick fire. TAROIS! APPLAUSE Of course, in the Quick Fire round, all the questions will be carpet or stain-based. Here are your buzzers Tom and Josh let's hear yours. And Ben Simon and Joe let's hear yours. What's welcoming in you?

I'll give you that. Oh cool. Put it on the... All right, it's fine. Okay, so here in the Quick Fire round, questions, which football is most likely to dirty up your Give me that. Got a little ding-ding thing. Oh, cool. Put it on the... There you go. All right, it's fine. Okay, so here in the Quick Fire round, questions. Which football is most likely to dirty up your house? Stay in Rooney.

Stay in Rooney is correct, Josh. What? What are Mexicans put under their carpets? Underlay. Underlay, underlay, correct. Which TV funny man and star of East Enders always makes your carpets dirty? Stay rich. Stay richy. Stay richy one word to Tom.

Which carpet freshener is perfect for people with the shivers? For praise freeze. Shake it back. I'm gonna give you two points, they're both good answers. What you call a carpet that's just been laid? Ben. This carpet's been fun. No, not this carpet's been fun.

I was gonna say this carpet. It's a shagpipe. It's a shag carpet, yes! In World War II, why were RAF fighter pilots always careful not to shoot down flying carpets? Because they were tall. No, not because they were tall. Josh Whitcomb. I understand the same answer as Jive.

Shit! Ten pays in a pot. It's because they might, this is an old reference. It's because they might have been allied carpets. What? No, they're not. They're not. What? Can I just say, in terms of an old reference, allied carpets isn't as old as World War II. LAUGHTER

What happens if newly-efficient ruins your carpets? You get... Er... ...lustrums. No, no. Interst stain reaction. What? Which rap group makes a real mess of your carpets drapes an upholster-y?

Carpet fuck you. Nooos. It's not that. End of new stains. Oh that is amazing. Give it the fuck, give it a pound. Get the given off a point, I would have been a good kid. Go look your stain on a house of stains.

Now, speaking of music, some songs now. A bonus point if you sing your answer. What did Prince sing when he took the whole stain? Purple stain. Thank you, Rocky. What did the Bee Gees sing when a soup spillage miraculously became sentient? What did the Bee Gees sing when a soup spillage miraculously became sentient?

What did the Bee Gees sing when a soup spillage miraculously became sentient? What did the Bee Gees sing when a soup spillage miraculously became sentient? What did the Bee Gees sing when a soup spillage miraculously became sentient? What did the Bee Gees sing when a soup spillage miraculously became sentient? What did the Bee Gees sing when a soup spillage miraculously became sentient? What did the Bee Gees sing when a soup spillage miraculously became sentient? What did the Bee Gees sing when a soup spillage miraculously became sentient? What did the Bee Gees sing when a soup spillage miraculously became sentient? What did the Bee Gees finilia full working week and wearing foil spatter get trapped in the game and the game is on for four days now It was the view!

It was the view! It was the view! What a big show! It was the view! It was the view! What a big show! It was the view! It was the view!

What a big show! It was the view! It was the view! What a big show! It was the view! It was the view! It was the view! It was the view! It was the view! Stain with me. The point is on parry there. What did the Beatles sing when the copper from some bogus coins that George Harrison had purchased rubbed off onto Rico's face? What the fuck?

It was a fowler. It was of course, the audience knows it. It was Penny Stain, he was in my ears, and in my eyes. Always ends on a high. That's the end of the quick fire, which means we have a winner. So, uh, producer Ben, let's hear those final scores. Always end on a high Quick far, which means we have a winner, so Produced to Ben let's hear those final scores. Well, the final scores are for the audience 16 for Ben and Joe

Tom and Joe have stayed on their carpet also on their reputation. While Tom and Josh will be staying around for a drink with me. Thanks to our guest, Josh really good. Joe Wilkinson, we did Pappies. See you next time on Flash! Yes, lab now! Pappies, Flash, yes, lab now. These are perhaps the wrong way.

The last on-carry was special. Well, special, yes. Joe Wilkinson and Josh really good. It was advised by Pat Mees with producer Ben Walker. Big packs of him really came down to see the recording, to the folks that did the right thing, to this catcher, Capri, and to Katie's story for helping us out. To Irish Park and the British comedy guide, and to stop shaking the job, trying to do this, and to the Phoenix.

What's her estimate? Okay, Pat Mees flat-shared slam down down is her first production for the British comedy guide. Papi, attack! Change your robot! Thank you very much! Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to act in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance.

I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters December 15th.