Pappy's Flatshare - Series 8, Episode 3 (Hang the Picture)

Episode Date: May 31, 2018

Ellie Taylor and Pierre Novellie join Pappy's for a fun-packed flatslam which sees the panel playing Catchphrase with words, debating whether a new baby is necessarily a new tenant and getting out their rage via the medium of rap/rock crossover. Thanks hugely for your continued support of the show. Special thanks to everyone who has donated money to the cause - if you'd like to join them you can do so here: comedy.co.uk/pfs/donate Additionally/Alternatively please do evangelise about Flatslam to your friends, acquaintances, strangers and enemies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom. A pop in that book. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things.

It's like theaters for December 15th. Hello, you lovely bunch. It's me, Clarkie. Thank you so much for listening to another episode of Pappies, Flat Share, Slam Down. Don't worry. It's me, Clarky. Thank you so much for listening to another episode of Pappy's Flat Share Slam Down. Don't worry, it's not just me. Imagine that, that'd be awful, no. The other guys would be along in a second. I'm just here to thank you so much if you've donated. I really mean that, despite the slightly patronising way I said it. And if you haven't donated, maybe you'd said it. And if you haven't donated,

maybe you'd like to. And if you would like to, you can do it here at comedy.co.uk, forward slash, pfs, forward slash, donate. Just think of all the wonderful years of joy we've bought you and put a price on that £2. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. Speak to you soon. Love you. Bye! Tom Ben! What is it Matthew? What is it you prick? Listen mate.

Oh, come on Ben, that's hardly fair. You've got to stop being so mean to Matthew. Sorry. Thank you very much now. Sorry, my favourite. Thomas framed this lovely picture of himself saying, you've got to stop being so mean to Matthew, and you've framed a lovely bit of crochet of you saying Matthew, you prick.

And I want them to be hung on the walls. Great. And guess, come round, they can see what's up on our walls. Always a problem. Absolutely. Like, I can take household chores. People say we're running out of ideas, but I think we put out the bed. Absolutely, hanging out with a picture.

It's a classic rota thing. The people have a rota for who's just going to hang out with the picture. Well, let's find out if it's good to be. It's good to be. I hung out the picture last week, all right? This week is your turn. This might be the worst start ever. Yeah.

Fuck it. There's only one in the settle. This we have to have a flash. Flash. Flash. Flash. Flash. Flash. Flash.

Flash. Flash. Flash. Flash. Flash. Flash. Hello, and welcome to Flash. I slammed down the panel show that says,

she got a body like a Nauwaglass, but I can give it to you all the time. She got a booty like a Cadillac, but I can give it to you all the time She got a booty like a cat a lot But I can send you into overdrive You've been waiting for that step on up swing Yo, bat, see anybody could be good to you You need a good girl to blow your mind Hang, hang it in the front room

I know you want it, hang, hang, I'm asking you I'll let you have it Wait a minute please don't hang it there. Wait a minute to your, oh, hey, hang, hang, nice work of art. Hang a body from grinding market. Wait a minute please don't hang it there. Wait a minute I'm hosting Landlord Matthew Crosby and well they're following. Oh, wait. Well they're sitting on the my roof I should say. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry this week, as you heard from the sketch, which I'm assuming we're going to chop out. Erm... LAUGHTER Absolutely no way we can leave that in. No way. Most people would re-record it. LAUGHTER So, the theme is hanging up the picture. So Tom, what is your hang-up about hanging out the picture this week? Well, I've got a terrible experience of hanging out pictures.

Let me tell you a very quick story. A friend of mine who I went to university with did an art history degree, and she worked in a very expensive auction house. She got me a job just for three days, it's true story actually. That's the type of thing. Just like for three days where they had a big exhibition of the famous French impressionist who had painted all the water lilies. And it was my job to clean the paintings before they were hung up. I'm not sure that's a job.

And you know, like restoration. Lil, do you realize this is something you learn when you work at somewhere like Sotheby's, right? In order to clean those pictures, they actually use horse semen. So best. Horse semen. They use horse semen.

You have to wipe it over the famous paintings. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's the strange thing, right? That's not the strange thing. As I was cleaning, as I was cleaning the paintings, all the paint wiped away. Oh my God. And underneath were portraits of Paul Pogba,

the man you're knighting, midfielder, wearing his number six shirt. Now, I mean, I get summoned to the head office. They're furious. Of course they are. I said to them, I don't know what they want from me. It's like the more Monet I come across, the more Pogba I see. You know what I mean, guys?

Wow. You're not a meaner, they? For a second, I really thought, what the fuck have I come on? But at the end, that's made it all worthwhile. Okay, good, because I literally still think that I've been doing this since 2011, so Ben, tell us, you're well hung, why won't you return the favour? Well, actually Matthew, the worst job I have had... So, well I asked you a bit, sure, fair enough.

Well, it brings back terrible memories, right? Oh, it does, doesn't it? Of course it does. The most job I ever had was being an exorcist, and I specialized in poltergeists. I had this particular tricky one that would always make the pictures wonky in the house, and I'd go out and have to hours and hours and hours, I finally managed to make it all right,

and that's when I got the nickname, the spirit level. Technically a joke, so I'm going to allow it. There we go. Thank you very much to Tom and Ben, but you cannot hang the picture alone. You need someone to tell us how wonky it is. So please introduce the one because you brought with you this week. Tom, who have you got on your team? Well, let me tell you terrible news news guys, the Jamba reason trouble.

Oh, no! Yes! Yes! It says that we've been reported for preaching fake news. Oh, really? Yeah. Very timely. There's been a political scandal around the coconut shy. No, I know. Really? I know. That's not that shy. So, you have to quit outgoing. Turn that, the brash So so the record straight I got in the

Strait is true shooter. I know she happens to be one of the funniest people I know is what miss Ellie Taylor is here Thank you so much for coming on the show. What kind of a flatmate are you? I'm a good flatmate. I'm very good at cleaning. I'm just cleaning. I mean, I'll get the cleaning lady to come round. Oh, right. Yeah. Very good at earning money, is what you do. Well, I pay them below minimum wage, of course.

Oh, okay. So, I'm not making money. Oh, okay. Do you have a rapport with your cleaning person? I bought a new mop head on Monday. Not sure you know what the word rapport means there. No, what do you mean? She's very nice. We get them very well.

What's her name? Her name's Chris. Chris? Well, 2013, you're a large vehicle, Chris now, aren't you? Irregardless agenda. So, I for one, embrace it. It's a gender. So, I for one embrace it. It's absolutely wonderful. So, do you stick around in the house when you've got your cleaning lady in or do you

scarper? I try to scarper because I don't want to get in her way. No, it's a lot of lifting your legs up as in this, you know. I do do a pre-tired thing. I'm fucking my cleaner, alright guys? That's what I want to say. What was that called, Chris? I'm going to keep you guessing.

The big question is, does your cleaner hang your pictures for you? She hasn't, I'm going to bloody ask her to next time. Crack the whip next time. Thank you, Ellie. Make sure it's a picture of her and really freak around. Imagine going, do you mind hanging this picture for me when you take off the drape? Yeah, a picture you're paid of her. With a mop head?

Yeah. With a load of candles around it, looks like a shrine. She doesn't know what's going on. Keep her on her toes. Absolutely right. Clarkie, what about you? Yes. Matthew, I bought.

Hello. Hi. Hello. Hello, how are you? I'm very well. I know if you brought with you this week, Ben. I've bought my cleaner. Pierre, the better you get. Pierre, the are you? I know if you brought with you this week, Ben. I've bought my cleaner!

Pierre Navelle is here! Pierre Navelle, are you a good flatmate? Are you a flatmate? I am a flatmate. I'm a flatmate of extremes. I think I talk us through it. I think I won't clean for ages, but when I do, I'll clean to a level of just like post-murder.

Right? Because I know if I do start cleaning, it's the whole day. I'll clean to a level of just like post murder Because I know if I do start cleaning it's the whole day. That's why I put it off so that when I snap It's big. What's the most what's the most extreme because my wife right in our last flat With like set aside a whole weekend to clean Yeah, and we got to the point at the end of the day when we'd like properly properly clean the entire flat first time ever And we went to bed and we were like, ah, yeah, we cleaned so well, we threw away all our bedding. We're like, this is filthy! Look at these pillows! Ah, I'm pretty drooled into these disgusting in the bin. We have to sleep on top of them doofay with no covers. Or raw. Yeah, absolutely raw. We're just wearing marigolds. That's not clear. The most extreme I got, I bought a cheap toothbrush

in between the bathroom tiles. What, just use an old one? I only had one and it was an electric one. It was still pretty good. That's not pretty good. Yeah, that's not gonna, imagine if I bought an 80-quit like a electric toothbrush. For the show I just did the grouting.

It has to be pure. My tiles are as clean as human teeth. His tiles are human teeth. Have you killed someone? In a way, we've all killed someone. Wow. It's our tiles. Tile suma choices.

Breach. Right, so we have met our contestants. But who will hang the picture and who will simply be hung by the neck until they be dead by Pierre? Let's find out as we play Round One. And it's a picture of me, and I'm standing outside, and I'm really hungry. And it's raining, and I'm pissing my tea. Oh, I want to hide this picture, that I have just broken the frame. I know the nail, the nail, yes, the nail spailed.

And it's raining, the flames down the drain Oh, why bother hanging this picture? Because there's no one else here to see But yes, I'm aware, I'm aware that I've scared I'm on the chair But yes, I'm just going to hang me Oh, hang me, hang me, hang me Oh, hang me, behind me, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm behind me, oh, I'm Lovely stuff! Wow! Just nice to hear a Morrissey song that isn't subtly about you, Kip. Oh, it was.

Right between the lines. So round one is called Words, can paint a thousand pictures. This is our audio version of, thanks to the two people who got it. This is our audio version of catchphrase. So it's not so much say what you see more. See what? I'm going to give each player a list of 10 phrases.

They have to take it in terms to act these out for their teammate who has to guess which idiom they are performing. Now obviously they can't use any of the words in the phrase. So remember I want you to act out these phrases not just describe them So for example if I was to do like I tell you what I've managed to get this stallion down to the lake But he still refuses to lug down this can of stellar horses for courses No, I'm of course referring to the famous idiom horses make terrible drinking buddies So no that would have been you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink right see okay See? Okay, there we go. So let's start with Ellie and Tom. That's for you, Tom.

That's for you. Ellie, those are your idioms. You'll take it in turns. Tom's going to go first. Your two minutes on the clock starts now. Oh, here's my fedora. Oh no, it's on the floor. Where do you lay your hat is your home? Oh no, it happened really quickly. That fedora was just flound to the floor. Oh, my hat fell on the floor. Where you lay your hat is your home. Oh no it happened really quickly. That fedora was just flan to the floor. Oh my hat fell on the floor. I've let go of it and it fell. I had it in my hand. Falling hats. I had it in my hand and then I let go of the fedora and it just was down on the floor. Really quickly. You're welcome to pass at any time. Oh, pass. Oh, no one. The drop of a hat. Oh, no, I get it. That's a good practice. Right, let's start. Oh, it's pancake day and there's a crucial element in the recipe for pancakes, but I better not put them all in one receptacle. Don't put your eggs in one basket.

Bingo. Oh, this feline creature was looking in somewhere and it got killed. Oh, shit, I can't think of that. We're afraid it can't give me that one, but... Ah, curiosity killed the cat. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, goodness me, there's a big hedge. I better not whack

In this the conference of the hedge. Oh Don't beat around the bush There's a barrier between my two gardens. I'll just pop up here and sit on my bum between my two gardens I'll just pop up here and sit on my bum. Oh, sorry Tom. Oh! Remember, none of the words in the phrase was, of course, stick on the fence, keep going, Ellie, you're doing very well. You're doing very well.

Gosh, this leg of lamb is very big. I better not try and put more of it in my mouth than I can swallow. Don't bite it off more than you can chew. You are. Why was it lamb? I don't know. That was a bum steer, wasn't it? Five seconds left.

Talking about B.L. Zibub. Oh, that was very good. Talking about B.L. Zibub. Your time's up and I'll let you guess. Something about the devil. Yes. Better the devil you know. Talkie talkie devil, man.

I'm sorry. I love that friend. I'm going to try over to the other team. Speak of the devil. Speak of the devil. Oh, talkie talkie devil. Talkie talkie devil, man. Talk about things you like to do in hell.

Talk it, talk it, devil man, he's James Nesby. He's like a really delightful phrase. James Nesby. What an after-lamb. Okay, so Pierre and Ben, those are yours. I'll give you a little bit of extra time because they've got two minutes, 13 seconds. Shall I start? Go on. Yeah, you start off.

Your two minutes begins now. Not only did you hurt me, but you were rude to me as well. Adding insult to injury. Yeah. Ah, I'm holding onto this rod. Bob doing it all wrong. What? He's talking.

He's talking. We talked about dodging the shadow of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the word of the hope I'm not tempting fate by assuming the amount of poultry I have Even though they have yet to be born I hope I wasn't wrong to assume the exact number of poultry I have. I carried tickets before the house. That's true. Well done. Oh, there's three of us. I wish there was less, and then we could dance.

Three is a crowd. No. If there was less of us, we could dance. It takes two tangos. Yes. That hound is not awake. So let's do a bit of dance live. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh. Here I am. is not awake so let's be dogs like yeah oh here I am out I'm stuck in the middle and oh one side of me oh it's solid but then I'm doing it right in the hapline yeah that was turn on monologue? Get that feel, get that feel-in out of that sack. What? You're driving cats in the back? No, no! The opposite of that. Let the cat in the back? Yes!

Okay, I'm plate tennis with you and it's on your side. Balls in your court. Yeah! I was in a vineyard. I was made aware of the rumor in the vineyard. Oh! It's really good. I was in the vineyard. I'd be happy to push you. Your time is up and I'm going to give you the plant in the vineyard made me aware of the rumor. I heard it on the train. I heard it on the train. I heard it on the train.

It's a duuute. It's a fan, bell. I've got absolutely no idea. I wasn't for you, Tom. But it was good first. We were saying, once you're in the mind, we weren't in the zone. So they had a warm-up, really. Would you want us to go again?

OK. So we've got no idea who could have won that round but let's hear it straight from the horse's mouth. Produce a venue horse face bastard. What are the scores? Tom and Annie got a great three and a half. Congratulations. Here I'm Ben. Got nine and a quarter. That was round one to coin a popular expression, to coin an even more popular expression. Let's play round two. It's flat games. Yay!

Let's play forever. Roll the dice, spin that thing, put that down. Do as you're told. Gaze. If you lose, you get nothing. Gaze. If you win, you can go! GO!

GO! GO! GO! Hello! Hello! Hello! Here it is! Torkey, Torkey, Demoman!

There's the catchphrase we stole from Spandar Ballet. They cannot have it back! So round two is flat games games and this week we're playing our version of charades and it's called charades against the machine. Oh, there we go. Needs to, like, it's on for correct to me, even though you wrote the pun. And charades against the machine. It's charades against the machine. We've got a Welsh lady called charan who's going to come up and help us out with this game. So in this round I'm going to give each player a piece of everyday mechanical equipment

or a machine, Thomson enjoying not a bad pun is it Thom? That's from the golden pen if it's a Tom Perry. In this round I'm going to give each player a piece of everyday mechanical equipment or a machine if you will and they must give me as many reasons why it annoys them as they can. But they must do so in the medium of rap slash rock crossover. That's right, it's another bomb track. So, let's start with Ben. Now, as we move into Gaiji 2, still in room with that of you. They still sing that lyric. So, your machine, Ben, is a kettle, and I want to hear you

wrap about the many ways in which it makes you blow your top, mumma. So, DJ Bucketlast, let's do it. It's started a bit of kidding in the name of? It started a bit of kidding in the name of? Absolutely, you're listening to Hospital Radio. LAUGHTER OK, off we go, cattle. MUSIC Oh!

MUSIC Yeah! MUSIC Bring it this back in! MUSIC Huh! MUSIC Yes, the kettle is my foil.

The motherfucker takes so long to boil. Oh, it really auto. The steak doesn't take enough water. Yeah, it's shit. It's made by Kenwood. That's not even one of my favorite friends. Oh! I hate my fucking cat, so...

It's full of fucking life scale. Now you do what it's worth. Surely it's made of metal. I love that. I love that. So it that. I love that. That was fantastic. I managed to make that four gripes you. They're so fantastic.

Gripes against the machine. Gripes are rough. Gripes are rough. Out of five first, I'm going to give you, I think, three for performance. So that gives you a grand total of seven. That was fantastic. Okay, he's apparently didn't think so, but that's okay. That's all right. So Ellie, it's your turn now. Your machine, your machine is the, she's grabbing a pen. The first tour of improv.

And... LAUGHTER Yes and, let me get my notebook. I like to be prepared for that here. Absolutely. So yours is the electric toothbrush and I'd like you to use the weapon of rock and wrap to tell us why you hate your electric toothbrush so much. What are we going to go for now, DJ Bucket Lous?

Pull it in the head. Pull it in the head. Were you a fan of Reggie at the machine? What do you think? Absolutely not. I was genuinely listening to the Spice Girls on the way here. One thing I think about the Spice Girls, they never have had a monk on fire or any of their front covers. I don't know why that's funny, but I'm sure it's great if you do. Monk on fire was the B side to two become one though, fun fact? Erm... So...

OK, Ellie, er, your pads fall. Let's, er... I've written a lecture toothbrush, teeth toothed and distressed. Lovely stuff! There we go, look at those... Look out for those keywords, guys. LAUGHTER Let's play Bingo.

And... Let's hear it. Oh, it's a corka. Yeah. Oh man. I'm so aggressive. Like a man. Bloody toothbrushes, the drive me mad. Spinning crazy. They're just like my dad.

I hate it when they spit all over the mirror. I'm just like mad. Why don't you just chill and make me dinner? Fuck, you toothbrushes, spinny, spinny, spinny. Sometimes I just want to put you in the bin. Thing that really drives me crazy is when Pierre tries to use me to clean the gravy of the task. Yeah, the gravy of the task.

Gravy of the task! Gravy of the task! And then the worst thing is when the battery goes dead and you have to charge it in the funny little charger And there's no ram to this flight, it's genuinely annoying Jenny Winnie and Tha'Yan! Well I think I found a new skill I knew it! You came up with four gripes there and I'm gonna give you another four for the poor place Well, I think I found a new skill You came up with four gripes there and I'm gonna give you another one. Four.

Four. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free them at a lot more. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things.

It's like theaters, December 15th. ACAS powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm David Boros, Canadian historian and host of Curious Canadian History, a bi-weekly deep dive into the wild, worrisome, and wonderful world of Canadian history. This season, we've covered not season Alberta, the Palestinian partition, and even the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.

We also have eight seasons worth of back episodes all right there for your listening pleasure. Check out new episodes of curious Canadian history every other Tuesday wherever you get your podcast. Hey cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Doing such a lovely job So congratulations to 8 points to Annie! Yeah, Jordan and the machine I want you to rage against is a Fitbit. So if you're already DJ Bucket Louse, what have we got this time? Wake up, wake up! Don't remember that one.

I don't know. Wake up, it's the suit. It wasn't always that good. It was always that good. This is Wake Up, didn't they? He was always like, okay, this is wake up, he had a belly, fit bit, off you go. I don't want to wear it on my wrist. I don't care if I'm not working at the top level I can. I'm trying to track my heart rate. There's nothing I hate more than knowing how many steps I've walked in a day. It's none of your business, Steve Jobs. Stay out of my life. If I want to be morbidly obese I will. I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no ability to do this at all.

I have got a heart rate, age, as I've been doing this. I don't know enough of Fitbits to complain about Fitbits. I'm not on this correct socioreconomic record for this rage. That was one of the most dollars for Pierre and everyone else. But you used to spend records, you get four gripes in there. It was one of them a gripe about the game itself. We're not counting that. It was a meta- gripe.

It's got to be three, isn't it? Yeah. And for performance, I'm going to give you one for trying. OK, yeah. Our patients. So, last up, we have Tom. We finally brainwashed them there. Yeah, absolutely.

Tom, I want you to bomb track anger at your old friend, the photocopier. Can you do it? Let's find out. DJ Bucket Louse on the 1st and 2's. What are we wrapping to this time? Bomb track. Let's do it.

Yeah. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Let me tell you when I wanted to get farty. I said, aren't you at the Christmas party? You know, good. Let me tell you your shite, because you only do things in black and white. I'm gonna kill you. I want you to stop me. You're so rubbish with your photo copy. I don't even know what you do. You're poor. You only print out in A4. Let me tell you that you are at

disgrace. I'm gonna stick my hand and get a picture of my face. Oh yeah, well I think you're really craft. I'm gonna do 27 copies of my ass. That's right, 27 copies, because that's the amount you always do. You're broken. You only do 27. Sometimes I want three. No, 27. I want 40 of these on 27. What's going on here? Howdy these numbers get stuck in your dial. 27. Wow! Lovely stuff. Fantastic wrapping and excellent backup from the vein on the side of your head. January I thought was going to burst and spray all over us. So four gripes. Are you actually paying attention to your baguilar? Do you think that was four gripes. Are you actually paying attention, did you?

Do you think that was four gripes? Yeah. Apparently we've got only what they are. Only back and white. Only A4. Only A4, yeah. Only 27, yeah. It did mention 27 copies. It did mention that, yeah.

What was the other one? Just it's shit I think. So that was four gripes. Can we give you a four five points performance? That was absolutely fantastic. So at the A.S. So... So...

D.J. Bucket Louse. What the scores at the end of that round in the style of Zactil-A-Rocker himself. Let's hear it. Here he goes. I cannot wait to... The scores are very tight. Ha ha ha.

The Aaron Ben have 20 and a quarter.g and Ben have 20 and a quarter. Tom Manelli have 20 and a half. Oh! It's a half in it. Now, hopefully they've got all that F-ing and Jephing. DJ Fuck It Lice. That's absolutely obscene, Tom. Hope you've got all the F-ing, Jephing out of your system.

What's the Jephing? I was going to say, because we all know what the effing is. Is it not Jehovah? Oh, it's closed. It's closed. Oh, it's cool. Back when people used to say fuck and Jehovah. Too much. I hope you've got me. Not in the same sentence. We love all our listeners. Regardless of faith. Hello North Korea. Oh, hello North Korea, how are you doing guys? So we're going to play the next round. It's Beat Brothers!

CHEERING You've got a problem, I'm calling a problem, because you've got a problem, call it a beat. If you've got a beat, maybe we can help you Beat Brothers, zoning out your beats. Yes, it's Beat Brothers, where each week we zoning out your beef. Yes, it's beef brothers. Where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat share-based beef. And this one comes from Bill, who is in the audience.

Bill, how are you doing? Very well, thank you. And lovely to have you here. Now, Bill, right, my housemates are due to give birth. I am the landlord. Yes, they have the beauty of a life coming into the world. But did I sign up to this? How do I approach this?

Like, I get you having a baby, but they use water too. Wow. Wow. Wow. Do I let it slide or can I get them on a technicality of subletting? Oh. When a cold wind blows, it chills you.

It chills you. It chills you. It chills you. It chills you to the bone. I'll just tell you now before we begin the cross examination. Now, Tom and Ellie, you are on Bill's side. Okay, Ben and he's trying to remain in partial with you at this stage. Ben and Pierre, you are on the side of the baby. So, now the dad and two. The flatmates and indeed the baby. So, no, the dad and two. The flatmates and indeed the baby. Now, before we begin, let's have a cross examination.

Are there any questions anyone from the panel would like to ask Bill? Yes, Bill. What's the baby's name? Well, I don't know it yet until it comes out, right? But you can't do it by appearance because people don't look like that forever. That's famous.

Tom does. Stayed on brand. If it ain't broke. Always look like that forever, that's famous. Tom does. Stayed on brand. If it ain't broke. Always look like a Tom. Let's find out. Have they flung around any names of this baby? They have, yeah. Talk us through a few of them. Ava?

Yeah, after his girlfriend? Yeah. Absolutely. That's Eva. Adulpative, it's a boy. Adulpative, it's a boy. Wait, wife, please. Have some respect. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I apologize. I apologize. They've got a lot of people. They boy? Why, wife, please, have some respect. I'm saying it's a marriage. Sorry, I apologize.

I apologize. They've got to marry right before they kill themselves. Absolutely. I forgot that's the, that's the, I forget to focus on in the bunker. That's right. Yeah. The right way of following up, Ellie, as well.

Ellie's one of them. I love this baby. It's going to be very hard. You don't have to kill it. You just want to be homeless. You just want it to be homeless. I just say, yeah. Pierre, no one's mentioning killing the baby until you do. No, you do. Oh god. Get your attitude to be homeless. I just say, yeah, Pierre, no one's mentioning

the baby until you do. No, you do. Oh, God. Get your attitude towards your child child. Yeah. Any other questions apart from the baby's name? Yes. How long have they been living with you

before announcing that they were prego? Good question. Thank you. Two and a half years. And how prego are they? Two and a half years. It's going to be a really big problem.. It's gonna be a really big problem. It's gonna be a really big baby.

It's gonna be a top. Almost. Very, very close. Did they ask you a permission before getting pregnant? Well, they didn't, but I did hear the tribe. Oh my God. They put you through that. They did, yeah.

Is it a house or a flat or? It's a flat, yeah. And did you know them before they moved in? Yes, I did yeah, so they're friends. Yeah, I've known rotten nine years And then you decided you could make money out of this. Oh, of course Yes There's like a living room kitchen, right? Correct communal. Yes. They've got a room. You've got a room. Yep bathroom That's it garden as well if you they can't keep the baby in the garden, I can't. LAUGHTER

Pop it in the camera, if I can. Point of order, they shouldn't keep the baby in the garden. Bill said he's done the show. Absolutely. How have you done the shedder? You get a guy and they install it, it's just really nice, it's got a nice bench out there, you've got like a fire pit. You say they use water as well, but I can think of nothing more harrowing than the idea of a newborn child independently showering.

You creep me. Exactly, you'd be terrifying, but that doesn't happen. That feels like conjecture, Pierre, but... Well, you've got resources and stuff, you know, the bin. You own right sources. I'm doing pretty well for yourself. I mean, he's got a pretty penny, isn't he? He's got a pretty penny, isn stuff. I mean, yeah, he's going to be pretty busy, but he doesn't need it.

Basically, no. Oh, that's OK. They came this morning, yeah, they did. OK, well, hopefully that is enough information for our teams to make their cases. So without further ado, Ellie Taylor, you have one minute to begin the case for the prosecution. Do you need a pen?

A pen. Ladies and gentlemen, of the jury, I think it's all clear, very clear here, that they're clearly there's going to be a breach of contract Lyd yn y greadyn nhw'n yw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw'r greadyn nhw' nhw'r gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei gael ei I think it's very rude of them to suddenly procreate without getting your consent. And I think you should let them out into the wild. If Mary and Joseph can find a place at the end at the last minute, I'll show these people can too. I rest my case. Thank you so much, Ellie Taylor.

Very strong, very strong opening case for the prosecution. I'm going to throw over now to Pierre Navelli. Now you'll get over the case for the defense. Your minute begins now. Look, it's generally a good rule of thumb in life not to do anything that is exactly what the worst person in a Disney film would do. So, for that reason alone probably don't kick out the couple with the newborn child into the snows of the beast from the east. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, just diplomacy first. Also, you might say the baby's going to keep you up crying. They were keeping you up fucking to make the baby anyway. So it's just a different type of screaming and weeping.

That's going to keep you up. LAUGHTER It's 6.5% of the other. You could turn the shed into a kind of baby prison. 5 seconds. And congratulations on the fire pit. LAUGHTER I've got to say I love your closing arguments.

I really love your closing argument. Very strong. Bill, how do you think it's going so far? It's very funny. LAUGHTER I was talking more about the case in the show, but thank you so much. You've got the idea, Bill. Leave it alone. You don't believe me, I believe you're on iTunes. I don't believe you're on iTunes.

I don't believe you're on iTunes at any point. Don't demean this caught. We're going to throw it out to Tom to make the case for the second prosecution. Now Tom, can I ask you a question, are you going to do this as yourself? No, I'm going to do it in the style of a deep-south defence lawyer. Oh yes. A John Grisham novel, Mr. Fanshore Standard. Fanshore Standard. Fan Shaw Standard everybody. Prezyding and indeed providing your minute should you need it to begin now.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I see a lot of you out there, Mama's and poppers. Hey, your favorite band. Yeah, I know it. Yeah. Yeah. Them there over there, big lawyers come down here from the city hell, so I'm get off the train this morning, shiny shoes, tarp hat. Broly's. Yeah. Hell, don't rain in this cow, am I right?

California dreaming. Hell, hell, hell, hell. I'm gonna tell you, Lil' Star now. Yeah, back in the days, eh? Tell her love, tell her marriage, tell her husbandry. Animal husbandry. I don't know what. That phrase means, well, let me tell you something now.

Stable out back there, best of me, Stallion. Every with child, how'd I go? Where the Stallion was having with childs? Hill, where's the man in the valley with his county for 25 years? You don't listen to them, they're... Stallion. Every would child. Bestie of me.

Maybe I was misled that Stallion. He can't check on eB. I get out there elbow deep. Walters breaking. Miracle child. Yeah, I get out there elbow deep waters breaking Miracle child little baby calf Room in the room of the end You know what I'm telling you oh, there's always room at the end No further questions, Your Honor.

APPLAUSE I don't think I've ever heard the phrase no further questions and had so many questions. LAUGHTER But that is for another time. I'm afraid Fanciels passed out in a dead faint as he does at the end of every speech, Mr Smith's style. So we're going to conclude the case for the defence with Ben and your minute begins. Now, first of all, I'm just reeling from the fact that

Fan Shores from California is now after all the deep sounds of California, who knows Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill,

Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Lovely stuff. What? It's a bill. It's a baby. It's a miracle of life. It's like that old saying, don't throw the baby out because of the bath water. I'm going to rest there. I'm going to rest there.

Now, unfortunately, I cannot make the decision myself. As I am the subject of a high profile court case, I'm accused of making a stallion with a cow. The result is really good glistening, but I can't speak on any court case at this stage. So I'm going to allow our live Phoenix audience to make the call. So if you think Ellie and Fanshore, and therefore Bill is in the right, I'd like you to applaud now. Oh! It's not looking good, Billy Boy. If you think the baby is in the right,

I would like you to applaud for Pierre and Ben now. Woo! Woo! There we go, the mob has spoken. Bill, how do you feel, Nate? If anybody's looking for a double room in the service room... LAUGHTER He doesn't respect the court at all, and I like that about you, boy.

I like that about you. Good landlord, good landlord and true. So, next up is the quick fire round, but before that, there's just time to read a quick fan letter. Oh, this is fun. This comes from Fiona. She writes, Hello, Matthew Ben, Tom, and producer Ben. I've been a fan of the podcast for many years,

but have you ever considered just as a joke doing a quick fire jingle that lasts a really long time? LAUGHTER Lots of love. Fiona Raskin Glasgow England. PS. LAUGHTER PS, that meet you sold me. Are you short? It was lamb. Fiona Raskin Glasgow England, PS. LAUGHTER PS, that meet you sold me, are you short, it was lamb.

Well, well Fiona, thanks for your letter, but I just can't see how that would work. So let's hear the jingle. MUSIC This is the quick fire round. It's the round that goes really quickly, which is why it's really quite strange. It has a long introduction It's just like wind And in this day and age

People just don't have the attention span An introduction As long as this The kids don't understand it It's just lighting fine It's not one for the millennials They've probably stopped listening In this day and age

An introduction this long Oh, it's like a novel A novel is a book It's these days they probably don't understand what books are They're too busy Snap tweeting at their chumps His chumps still are words they use Hashtag chums, let's get chums trending

Anyway, let's get back to the quickfire round. It's nice and quick, so the kids will probably enjoy it. Let's start it soon, whilst hashtag chums is going viral It's got its own series on Comedy Central Swipe right for our happiness Anyway kids, let's get on with the hashtag quick fire Jump There we go!

So in this quick far round the answers are all mishearing of the word hang So instead of buzzers if you think you have the right answer W-W-W-D-W-Dart, we're still current mate. Forward slash chums. A chums dot code, dot you gay. I can't stop saying the word chums now. Maybe we could turn Chums into an app And sell it to Elon Musk That man put the car into space

I've read the news lately Anyway, let's stop messing around chums Let's get back on with the quick chums chums. APPLAUSE Lovely stuff. APPLAUSE Well done, ladies. So, in this quick fire round,

the answers are all mishearing of the word hang. Now, instead of buzzers, if you think you have the right answer, shout out your first name. Tom and Ellie, let's hear that now. Tom. Ellie. Lucky stuff. Ben and Pierre. Pierre. Oh yeah.

Sure, why not go for the two silver ones? Erm... Now remember, these are all mishearings of the word hang, and these are all true stories. Off we go. I came home to find Tom and Ben having sex with a painting. I said, guys, I asked you to hang the picture not Fuck it. Oh Pierre is correct. Yeah, bang the picture is correct. You see I worked Clarkies. I see how there we go

One point to Pierre I came home to find Tom and Ben talking and caught you rhyme through a painting I said guys I should hang the picture not Ben Ellie slang slang is correct I came home to find Tom and Ben, whipping egg whites, sugar and lemon with a painting. Ah! Meringue is absolutely correct. I came home to find Tom and Ben digging their canine teeth into a painting. Tom!

Correct. You'd please say your name's first rather than just shout to get out. Pierre, foul. Pierre, thank you very much. Pierre, fangs a good name for you, Clarke. Oh, oh, oh, oh, take it. My nemesis. Who's that?

Pierre, Navellian, Pierre, fangs. Um... If I married Pierre, I he? Pierre Navelli and Pierre Fang. If I married Pierre, I'd be Ellie Navelli. Oh. I'm going to divorce my husband right now. It's Ellie Navelli off the telly. Yay! I came home to find Tom and Ben reading a long-running heavy metal magazine to a painting.

Correct. Tom. Carang, huh? I'm going to give half point to Pierre as well there because I think you got that as well. I came home to find Tom and Ben rubbing their penises on a painting. It was disgusting. Next question. I came home to find Tom and Ben taking the painting to the capital of North Korea. It was Pierre. Pia, and we hang the picture up so that he writes.

I came home to find Tom and Ben throwing the painting in such a... Oh, hello, hello, hello. Big fans out there hail glorious leader he's a he's a good man we have so much corn I came home to find Tom and Ben throwing a painting in such a way that it came back to them I said

bemerang bemerang the picture final one I came home to find Tom Ben Morrissey and Johnny Ma he's a painting to perform capital punishment on grimmy Host of radio one show Tom DJ hang the DJ hang the DJ hang the DJ hang the DJ hang the DJ hang the DJ hang the DJ hang the DJ hang the DJ hang the DJ Just telling us.

I'm a DJ. I'm a DJ. I'm a DJ. So that is the end of the Quickfire rounds, which means we have a winner. APPLAUSE Go on, producer Ben, tell us, what are the final scores? Wrong team has 24 and 3 quarters. Ooh.

Yeah, that has 25 and a half. The winner's a Tom and Ellie. Oh! So thin and Pierre have to hang the pictures. And Tom and Ellie have to hang with me. Thanks to our guest Pierre Navelli and Ellie Navelli. We've been Cappies. To you next time on, Clashers, Slander!

Clashers, Slander. Cappies, Flashers, Landau, Pigeon, Matthew Closney, Paine Carve and Tom Bayer, Special guest, Ellie Taylor and Pierre Navelli.. It was advised by Patrick's and producer Ben Walker. Big thanks to everybody who came down to see the recording, to the good people at the beach in London, to do the right thing on Gossip, or as part of the British comedy guy,

and to win Reese Bavis and Josh Grant for helping out. Happy is flash airs land out as a plus for Gossip with the BBC, for the British comedy guy, just to the BBC, and there will be the Cp years. And the internet, cheers everyone, bye! Yes! Oh, please, Ryan. I've just found out the trial is worth one point.

Is that right? What's that? The whole trial. Yeah. Right. Ryan, do it. Takes a long time for one point. An entire legal case undermined by hang the DJs. Yeah.

Pretty much, mate. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes! Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free them at in not for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things.

It's like theaters December 15th. poor things. In select theaters, December 15th.